10 Things You Don’t Want To Hear From Your Ex
by Eddie Corbano
As if the news that your partner doesn’t want to be with you any longer isn’t enough, they often think they have to try to comfort you – to make you feel better.
What most of the “Dumpers” simply do not understand is: they CANNOT give any comfort. They are only able to give as much comfort as a drug would to a drug addict.
But I don’t blame them.
I’ve been both, “Dumpee” and “Dumper”. The truth is when you care, none of these roles is a walk in the park.
There are certain rules you can follow to break up gracefully, yes, but most of the “Dumpers” have never heard of this.
The result is – they say stupid things that make you hate them, and prolong your healing time.
I’ve listed below 10 of the worst phrases dumpers have thrown at my readers, as reported in the emails I receive. Hopefully YOU will not make the same mistakes in the future.
1. “We can still be friends”
This is an all-time classic.
There are actually three things behind this:
- The dumper thinks that being friends with you will make it easier
- The dumper doesn’t want you to disappear completely from their life, (but also doesn’t want you IN their life)
- The dumper wants to take advantage of you in some way, (friends, sex, influence, etc.)
The no-contact rule demands that there is no friendship after a break up, and this is proven to be the best way to go.
Period.
2. “It’s not you, it’s me…”
This is something completely stupid to say.
When you are looking for an answer, an explanation, then this answer will confuse you completely.
3. “I love you still, but…”
This sentence is also a big no-no.
Although I admit that there can be situations where the Dumper honestly thinks that they still love the person with whom they are breaking up with, but it is NOT ok to say it.
I understand that the dumper might think that it’s easier for the one left behind, but trust me, it isn’t. On the contrary, it is MUCH harder to hear that your Ex still loves you.
“Then why is he breaking up with me?” This is a legitimate question, which the Dumper never could answer in a way that the Dumpee understands it.
There are some more stupid phrases in the same category:
- “I will always love you”
- “I’m always there for you”
- “I have loved you so much”
- “You are and always will be someone special to me”
- “I don’t want to lose you”
These are all terrible statements you really don’t want to hear from your Ex who’s breaking up with you.
4. “I am simply not the relationship-type”
This is sort of a classic one.
People have written me that they’ve heard this one after several years of being together. With this background, such a sentence is only a slap in the face, and an insult.
5. “I am not good enough for you”
This is usually followed by, “You deserve better than me”.
This one, while also meant to give comfort, accomplishes the opposite.
6. “I need time to think”
The next thing you are going to hear after this is usually, “We should take a time-out”.
This happens a lot and is almost always a sign of cowardice: The dumper had the plan to break up, but pulled the plug. Instead they are postponing the problem, on the cost of the one left behind. The following “time-out” will be hell for them: they don’t know whether they have been dumped or not. The uncertainty is just unbearable.
In this case, I recommend for you to reply: “I don’t want a time-out. You have to decide right away whether you want to continue the relationship or not!”
7. “That’s life!”
Yes, life means making experiences, the good and the ugly – but I don’t need YOU to tell me this during the break up, dear Dumper!
8. “I really don’t want to hurt you”
I’m sure you don’t want to hurt the one you’re breaking up with, but I’ve got news for you: You ALWAYS do.
It’s impossible to break up with someone without hurting. That’s a fact. All you can do is follow some rules and try to make it as graceful as possible.
This is of course difficult, but doable.
9. “I’m sure that I will regret this”
Now what’s that supposed to mean? Is this a hidden clue that it might later come to reconciliation?
While this is very often just an expression the Dumper throws in without thinking about it, the Dumpee will not forget it. In fact, this sole expression will most likely lead to harmful “overthinking”.
10. “I don’t know what I want”
This is very often an attempt to draw attention to themselves, hoping to distract from the horrible situation that is happening. If it’s followed by something like, “my life is a mess”, then the Dumper is trying to be pitiful.
They don’t know what they want, but they still want to break up.
Don’t play this game.
Conclusion
If you are the Dumper, then please avoid sentences like this. I’m sure they are said with the best intentions, but they can only do harm to the person left behind.
Plan ahead what you are going to say, be clear in your intention and leave no doubt. This is the best you can do.
If you are the Dumpee and your Ex throws sentences like this at you, try to not take them to heart. Ignore them the best you can.
All the information you need is that your partner wants to break up with you, as painful as that might be.
The best you can do is to forget everything they say while breaking up, how they say it is not relevant. The consequences of it are hard enough to deal with – don’t burden yourself with the details.
Now it’s your turn: What have you heard from your Ex that you really hated? Please list those phrases in the comment section.
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
My Recommendation For Further Reading:
- 10 Secrets About Men - Very Recommendable Inside-Tips from Christian Carter
- Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends - THE Classic Book About Breakup Recovery
- For Men: Getting Your Groove Back After A Breakup - Approaching Women and Getting Physical
5 Must-See Related Posts:
About The Author:
Eddie Corbano is a breakup-coach, relationship-advisor and founder of LovesAGame. He suffered from a devastating break up in 1998. Since then, he dedicated his life to helping others getting the best of this existential experience. The overcoming of a break up is an important step to autonomy and independency. Eddie Corbano developed some new coaching programs, which focus on evolving inner strength and the power to set and reach any personal goal. (Article written on April 24th, 2009)
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Tags: break up lines, comfort, healing, how to break up
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i love all that………… thanks ,for such a wonderful work ,done y U….!!!
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thanks for Tejendra Pun, that poem wrote to someone but the meaning is for everyone that felt love
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"I really don't want to do this, but…"
Eddie – just after reading this post and my ex said six of the phrases you really don't want to him well variants on them anyway: the worst where "I want us to be good friends eventually when the wounds heal" and "I know I will never meet someone like you again and I hate it but I've got to with my heart on this"….Oh and d worse thing he said to me was I should dust myself down and that I can walk with my head held high…oh even thinking about them now makes me angry
@Alli –
Yep, this is also kind of a classic, related to no.8.
@Liz –
I’m sorry to hear that.
Try not to think about too much.
As I said, they say all kinds of things that are supposed to make you feel better but only make it worse. Don’t overanalyze it.
Your friend,
Eddie
#1 thing you don’t want to hear from your ex? The test results were positive!
” We can be friends, i Promise”…
Never head from him in 10 months..
“I probably will regret this”…
Damn right you will when you see how great i look NOW!…
Hey Chelsea,
This is the right attitude!
How are you doing, haven’t heard from you in a while.
Eddie
You need to work on ourselves alone! Thats was a nice one. Then “dont lose hope for us but later” um another “I dont see my life with anyone else but you…later!” Can you believe these!! Awful!
after two years, and three days of silence, he told me over the phone…” I just don’t love you anymore. I wish I could cry because I don’t want to do this to you but I stopped making tears a long time ago”.
After telling me he decided he no longer loved me:
“We can continue dating if you want, as long as you know it’ll never go any further than this.”
“I hope this doesn’t make you relapse to your eating disorder…is there anything I can do to help prevent that?”
And the kicker, on his way out my door:
“Maybe someday.”
I will be there this summer…we will be back together by then…what the???
This list is right on. So true that when my ex was “thinking” it was worse the than actual breakup because one day I figured he was gone and the next I thought he was coming back.
Mine also said, “Who knows what will happen in the future…” Ugh.
“you still mean a lot to me but it isn’t time yet…” time for what?! then we get back together again and he breaks up w me again..this time thru EMAIL , no respect at all…and says ” you’re the greatest and most amazing person i know, i hope we can be friends”… no thanks! he deliberately disappeared…thank God!
Eddy,
If you are to be with this person who left you, do you think it happens by remaining friends, or if he really wants you, he will come back whether you are friends or whether you instigate no contact?
To be honest i will have to accept the “dumped” role…the story is simple, after a 5 years relation due to my job i had to stay away from her for a couple of months…did everything in my power to keep the relation alive and followed the tips from your article, returned with a ring more decided than i ever was in my life…only to find out that she fell in love with work colleague.
Ok, and now the thing i hate the most from what she told me during break-up was : “I will never love someone more than you. I cannot imagine growing old with someone else but now i cannot give up on him. I will come to you after i clear my head and i will make you love me again”…….damn it feels better after i wrote it down.
Eddy,
he confused me to death when he told me “i know i love you since the day of (insert our anniversary here) but it cant be like that anymore” and the next message was “now i realized that i have a crush on you the first time i saw you and became friends. and we already just had a short time to make it a LOVE.” .. so what does he really mean?.. every word he said hurts until now.. i dont know which to believe, either he loved me or didnt at all… we’ve been together for almost a year and lived our relationship to the fullest that’s why i cant imagine him saying that we had lacked time to make it LOVE. After all things we had, and we did, and we’ve gone thru, this is what he gonna say. You’re correct that i shoudnt overanalyze everything, but i just cant avoid to search for an answer about this once in a while. ‘coz its between me and the one i’ll always love..
The worst thing my wife said during the breakup?
” I really like the (lesbian) sex because..”
Mmm, yes, Thanks for that darling.
Wow, at least I know I’m not the only one. My ex used several of these. We’ve been together 18 years (married 15) and he’s moved out for a trial separation with no contact. Some of these things he said (still loves me, but doesn’t know for sure, etc) have indeed given me some hope that we could salvage this…. but maybe it’s just drawing it out and making it worse. UGH! How will I know for sure? A little voice tells me that if he really loved me, he wouldn’t want to leave me.
Its just not the right time…
Its what I want right now…
Unfortunately, it was not meant to be…
“I’m not sure of anything”
“I love you, but I can’t love you the way you deserve to be loved….”
After 10 months of still needing to read this site, as I’m pathetically not over it….I’ve learned he has sexuality issues…he might be gay. That is a whole other therapy issue.
He said ” I don’t love you, I don’t want you and I don’t want you in my house.”
“I need time.”
I miss him dearly, but I’ll be allrgt. AAAAHH!
@Ness –
My ex said the same thing to me 2 weeks ago… the night we broke up.. Except he told me ‘I hate you’ rather than ‘I dont love u’…. how coincidental.. it hurt alot
@Kaleen – you are exactly right. listen to your gutt. if he has moved out and wants no contact, who is he connecting with? and why is he wanting no contact with you?
@bubbles -
AMEN. No one deserves to be treated like this. That is awful!
“I still love you, but….” is the biggest BS line in the world. You either do or you don’t. Love in marriage or committed dating relationship have to build from a foundation. The both of you need to build that foundation together in order to have anything to stand on or build on for your future. If your foundation is cracked, uneasy in anyway, or unstable the both of you need to have your communication open and honest enough to do something about it from the start, or whatever you try to build together is going to either not be built well, will have high repair bills, or eventually crumble down to the ground. And both of you will end up hurt in some form or fashion. good luck…..
if he’s not sure, then he doesn’t love you.
Ahh try: “I promise to make our love story a good one” … “A few months apart is nothing compared to a lifetime of happiness” … “I’ll never find anyone I love as much as I love you” …”I really think we’ll get bacvk together” …”When we get back together b;ah blah blah” …”I’m still in love with you” …”You’re my best friend” ….”I can see you with me for the rest of my life”
What the heck?! Mixed signals or what?!! All of this after “needing time”. Yet now he’s talking to someone else… and it’s barely been a month since he said all of this.
@Sarah – sounds like a load of crap to me…holding on to you incase the person he’s interested in doesn’t work out.
@Sarah – I think our ex’s consulted eachother about their breakup speeches because he sounds just like my ex. But I think the reason they said all this to us was to keep us on a string! Well Iam not letting anyone string me along and neither should you. Its hard as hell to stop having hope and the love hasnt gone away,dont know when it will but Iam not letting myself stay down. Its hard and gets harder sometimes but I wont give up!
@Eddie Corbano – Hey Eddie, Im ok thanks for asking, yourself? This break up thing isnt a quick fix atall, its bloomin hard. Im still not over my ex, Tomorrow marks the anniversary of when i went down to norwich to see him to watch the foos on the 6th, nowere near over him yet.. Im just trying to concerntrate on college. Lately iv been thinking of getting him back again.. although this will pass for a week or so and it will start again for a few days, i guess it gets harder before it gets better. I just wish i wouldnt have let myself fall into the relationship because after putting everything into it, iv ended up with nothing. Thanks for asking and i hope your ok too. Il keep in touch x
“But we had a good time.” “I’m sad that we can’t stay in contact.”
Wow, after I read this the “I didn’t want to hurt you one” was told to me so many times…
but we were friends from the beginning, and I really want to be friends again because we were really close.
Eddie, do you have advice for what I should do?
This guy is a Gemini and I was told that they are crazy. He went from calling me all the time to me calling him all the time. To wanting a family in about 1 1/2 months of dating. Didn’t want sex, wanted more that is what he said , then he tolds me that he doesn’t want to hurt me. It’s not because of another women it’s because he works 2 jobs.( I have confirmed) and that he doesn’t have the time. But he’s interested in me. WHAT IS THIS ABOUT?
I fell hard for him.
I need help:
We need to break up, he is a wonderful person but we don’t fit, he wants different things in life and also our communication is horrible, he is a bit boring for my taste. We have been together for more than 3 yrs now, high school sweethearts, but I’ve been thinking about it and prolonging it for about a year and I know what I have to do, but I am just really afraid to lose him in my life. I understand the whole “no contact ” thing, but how long should I wait? Can I salvage our friendship? My biggest fear is him not in my life… What the heck can I do? I know we are not going to work, i just want to be friends.
Crap I am a dumper and I have just said a couple of these!
Hurting the person you have loved is so horrible. Unfortunately sometimes life does just suck.
@Carina –
You want to break up with him but you want to be friends still. Is it gonna be all about what YOU want? How about you think about whatss best for him if you’re gonna dump him anyway.
deep in my heart i know you are what i want but i can’t do it. i know i’m going to come back in 2 years and your going to wiggle your finger at me
” I know I love you, have been missing you so much but now is not the right time. I have a feeling that we will get back someday. Whatever comes will come.When I’m ready I will find you. If it’s too late , then i’ll accept it”
i can easily relay to your advice .. i should admit im a damme, my x bf always said all that word and always make me believe what he said are true to his feeling… now i realize why he all said that is because we are business partner… can you give me some point how he can completely get out of my life get out of my life thanks and more power
Sadly, I’m a dumper who has said one or two of these lines, mostly because the guy I was dating kept telling me he’d kill himself if something happened to us. It ended pretty badly. After reading this, I realised I could’ve gone about it a different way. Now, I want to be friends with him after having no contact in 5 months. Should I wait longer before talking with him? I’m not sure how to go about it? I need advice.
Wow, I am sad and/or glad that I am not the only one experiencing this. My soon to be ex-wife said all freaking 10 things to me. No wonder I feel worst and worst each time she said things to me. Aaarrrggghhhh….
He told me after 17 years of marriage and raising seven kids together,, “I just dont think we’re meant for each other”, and then followed with, “I love you with the most powerful love ever, and thats why I have to set you free” How cruel can a person be?
Hi my ex said to me the day he left don’t think we will never see each other again;its not like I have died.He said we are not like everybody else we will see each other even if we are seeing other people.Now he wants nothing to do with me.I feel so much anger towards him for this.How can somebody say these things when they don’t mean it.I find it very hard to understand. Everything he said was just a lie like he wanted to move on as friends.He later said I cannot be in his life anymore
Somebody help me to understand?
He told me this after cheating and breaking up with me,” Maybe in the future if we’re meant to be we’ll end up together”, “you are a very important part of my life and I will never forget you” and ” I still love you. I promise that if we survive this I will marry you”
“You’re the only person I saw myself having kids with. I think we would have made a great team.”
‘You have a nice d***, but I’m not into those anymore. You have too many ‘bits’, or not enough..in the right places’
@Tracey – Tracey, doesn’t that just make you want to scream ‘Well why the f*** are we breaking up then!!
A month after our break up.
“Oh, by the way, I DID cheat on you a year ago. Do you want to know who? It’s not who you thought it was!”
(I had suspected my partner was cheating on me at one point during our 4 years together. At the time, I had confronted her -I even thought I knew who she was cheating with – and she denied it)
@Kev – This was after a year and a half of back and forth.. breaking up, getting back together, breaking up again. He actually said this to me after I broke up with HIM after I found yet ANOTHER internet dating profile of his. We got back together after that (stupid on my part, really) and then I found out he was hanging out with his ex a little too often so as of this moment in time… we’re broken up.
I think I need help and strength from somewhere to ensure I don’t put myself through all the pain of being taken for granted, lied to and breaking up with him yet again..
Why do I keep putting myself through this??
‘I think i might have to break up with yuu…’ it just hurts sooo much. i hate thinking about himm, i just cant stop. every heartbeat burns under the skin, every pulse brings back the pain of thee good times….. ily<3
I got all of these, plus the classic “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” That cuts deep. People fall in and out of love throughout relationships, but all that means is that she gave up trying.