Recently I had what I consider to be the worst break up I’ve had. Not that the guy acted like a jerk or was wishy washy, but 90% of the talk was about how I failed him, what I didn’t do, his frustration and my muffled response to his grief. Later on I realized he didn’t reflect on how he contributed to the rupture – if he did, he wouldn’t acknowledge it, wouldn’t acknowledge what positives I brought to the relationship too. “Why didn’t you do that? It’s too late now” kind of remarks. I haven’t called him up to ‘unload’ of course, but feeling bottled up is making it hard for me to move on.

1,2,3,6,8
I’ve heard all of the bullets in number three.

When my ex broke up with me almost two weeks ago, a few days later, I got the news that my ex is in a new relationship.

Oh, that hurts until now. And all those numbers I mentioned were all said when my ex gave me the breakup call. My ex did admit that he has feelings for me still but broke up with me because he did not feel that it was right to be in that relationship. Now, ex has a new other half.

What sucks is that my ex is my best friend also.

@Co –

I just experienced the same type of break up and it is literally killing me, I was so devoted to my boyfriend that no one else in my life existed, only to realize that he was controlling every aspect of my life, how to talk, how to walk, who to be friends with etc…stupid me put up with it for 3 years….when I finally couldnt take it any more I tried talking to him which resulted in him degrading me with every name in the book and threatining me with violence, Why am I still feeling so much pain when I should be happy to be free…

maybe you are like me, when you meet someone they are stunned by how amazing you are. You are so confident, sexy funny etc…then you fall in love and damn, you loose yourself in that person. I have lost the two most special people in my life, one just days ago because of this. I seem strong and confident and when im single I am, but when someone tells me they love me and i love them, then i loose myself and become mush and in turn can be treated badly.My heart is so wide open and broken right now as i broke my own rules as i believed someone when they said they loved me and wanted me. the trouble is ME in a relationship isnt ME out of one. God, please help me get this right! Im lonely!!!

@Co – just get it out here believe me, its better than sending him the e mail!!! i recently read hes just not that into you and knew i should have dumped him and i did! but i was so in awe of him that i let him back in. things were amazing and i made every commitment possible to move and be in the same city as him, 3 days before i move, he dumps me! i feel so betrayed and used and sad and lonely and i obviously still love him as love sadly doesnt switch off when you get dumped. the thought of being with someone else makes me want to be sick, but i know one day i will be ready, unfortunately time will help. All i know is this, never give up your friends job security for a man, cos if it goes wrong you are lost hurt angry and helpless.

@seasea – so true! i have just been dumped by a married man who promised me and gave me a wonderful time, but now i am left with just painful memories of how good it was, while he lives his life for another 6 months until some other gullible girl comes along and listens to the BS and relieves his boredom for a while. please it will hurt for you to walk away, but if lhe oves you he will leave her and find you, i thought mine would…. now i am left with a bottle of wine a pack of cigarettes and very sad!!! Dont waste the pretty darling x

@rossana – i love everything you have written but please get this right! Dont loose yourself or your friends for someone you love! Your loved one should compliment these things. I am 35 and am still trying to learn this lesson sweetheart. But yes long distance relationships do work and can be very exciting with all this new technology, just remember you and your friends are real time. good luck x

@shelley – watch it with him, you are way more exciting believe me!

@Kayla I agree! just got burned that way myself….. next!!! btw you have done nothing wrong if he really wanted you and was emotionally available, hed be with you darling. meet a man you can have your own baby with xxx

@Mandy – can you move there ?

I can only wish that i was spared my feelings. My ex has broken up with me about 10 times and always comes back! even when he says he never wants me again.. and for some reason i always let him come back to me… i am convinced that it is over this time but He did say he would always love me probably b/c i forced it out of him and that we were each other’s first loves but that statement just makes absoloutly no sense to me. if you love someone then why the heck dont you wanna be with them…

I was dumped a few weeks ago and got about 3 or 4 of those sentences. Most hurtful was “I love you, but I’m not sure I am in love with you anymore”. Plus, good ol’ “I have always been afraid of commitment”… after being together for 4 years and living together for 2. I am taking it day by day, but I wish I knew the real reasons for the breakup. Those blanket statements are completely damaging. They mean nothing and leave you over-analyzing every possible reason the relationship ended. Right now, I am blaming it all on myself since I wasn’t given a honest “dismissal”. Painful.

@Michele –
You might never know why you were dumped. These statements from the dumper never really helps the dumpee. It will hurt, BUT, don’t blame yourself. It is the worst thing you can do. I’ve been through it. My ex said most if not all of the statements above. No matter what he/she say, it will NEVER be good enough to bring comfort. Just make sure to take care of yourself.
Trust me…

Thank you Kelvin. This guy was truly “The One” for me and it feels as though all of this came out of the blue. Its hard to not blame myself; why else could he have wanted to go? I know that it could be for a multitude of reasons, some of which might have nothing to do with me. Doesn’t make this any easier.

Trying to keep my head up and treat myself right.

@Michele –
Of course it was your fault…you crashed on the wrong “The One”, simple as that, nothing more nothing less, no multitude of reasons, actually there is no “individual reason” but a simple “state of things” that has evolved in this manner. You cannot fix anything and you definitely cannot learn anything struggling to analyze each moment of your relationship to find out what you should have done, remember no two relationships are the same. You suffer now because you kept fooling yourself with that “The One” “Mister Big” – whatever story and failed to see the signs and take action in a period in which you would had suffered less …get it straight into your head because it is really difficult to put it there (at least for me it was) …there is plenty of fish in the sea, and as long as you grow up and get in control of your infantile imagination and feelings without becoming a cold paranoiac frigid chick maaaany of those fishes will taste better trust me;)

@Michele –

You will be fine. Just stop overthinking. It will just make yourself miserable. Been there, done that. I am still working on it. Personally, stop blaming yourself.
Like Sergio says, there are many fishes in the ocean.
Don’t put “The One” on a pedestal…
Cuz it will crash and hurt like crap…

@Sergio -

I don’t think I will ever turn into a cold, paranoid person over this. I have a good sense of self and I know that I am capable of giving all of my love to someone. I think that I am still in shock and without closure, so I am searching for reasons to fill my head. I know its not the right move, but that doesn’t make it easy to stop. I am trying my best, but its the phase I am in trying to deal with this.
Thank you for your advice. I can’t go back and change anything. Maybe we weren’t meant to be together, but I don’t believe that in the slightest at this point; one day I will realize it.

I was myself and I gave my all and I have to feel good about that and move forward.

The same thing happened to me actually almost on the same day (aug 30th). He was controlling but WOW I loved him so whatever he said to do, wear, talk to I did. He became emotionally AND physically abusive and we arent kids..we are 40 and 42. He broke up with me then had sex w me one more time and 3 days later was dating someone else who thought we had been broken up for months.

Hindsight.: the man is and always WILL BE a liar, Since then I have found out basically EVERYTHING he ever told me about himself, his life etc were lies. He, I believe, has a personality disorder and DEF. has a drinking and cocaine abuse habit. I am SO better off without him in my life. However..part of me wants to still be with him. guess that’s my codependent side.

Anyway it gts better. It never gts easier. I don’t cry daily anymore but Iget choked up sometimes. When I see how DUMB his new GF is (she knows what he is..I told her..Oh and also, he cheated on her two different times w me and I did tell her that) it makes me feel better…he is HER problem now..she still goes back even though she says she believes me. She had been dating him for 5 weeks and he was telling her he loved her…then coming home and sleeping with me…and the other half of Nashville. He’s disgusting. He is also broke and is trying to latch onto her money. She has no clue..thinks he is loaded. If she only believed the truth…a rolex and a mercedes and a porsche do NOT make a man a rich man when they can’t even pay the bills. and has like 0 credit. and a credit rating of 200.

Anyway I had no closure either. He broke u with me via text..lol I had to go thru a lot of pain. I went back to church and that helped me to know he was God’s problem..not mine. I see him out drunk and I do try to tell myself he is doing to her what he did to me now….and it makes it better. I am friends with BOTH his ex wives and they are SO supportive..they had it allll happen to them to. It has been about 2.5 months now and I still think about him daily..but it did get better. I have met a WONDERFUL, kind and very generous man who treats me lik a queen. I don;t want the crap I put up with for 18 months anymore.

Moral of the story is a leopard never changes his spots. PERIOD. There are WAY too many good men out there to be conned by a piece of crap. Do NOT become bitter…just ackowledge the red flags..don’t think they arepretty flowers swaying in the breeze…

it is unfortunate but you will never know the real reasons. My ex waited until we had been broken up for 2 months and then had sex again to tel me he had fallen out of love with me months before we broke up…..and ten when I left he called me and said “I want you to know i’d try again with you if our family and friends did not know all that happened” (ie: he cheated on me and was a drug user/alchoholic/ and physically abusive). WHY would someone say that?? You’re telling me you’d want to work it out BUT you just said you wre NOT in love with me? PHYSCO. Thats why.

Originally Posted By Kelvin@Michele –
You might never know why you were dumped. These statements from the dumper never really helps the dumpee. It will hurt, BUT, don’t blame yourself. It is the worst thing you can do. I’ve been through it. My ex said most if not all of the statements above. No matter what he/she say, it will NEVER be good enough to bring comfort. Just make sure to take care of yourself.
Trust me…

NEVER been said better…so true. You will NEVER know but really…who cares? he’s done..he’s moved on…you can do the same. And remember..the BEST revenge i a GOOD LIFE!!!! Find yourself someone who will treat you like a princess and our ex will (TRUST ME) be soooo jealous! lol NOT tha we do this so they want us ack…we do it because we want them to feel as bad as they made us feel.

Originally Posted By HeartBrokenDino, I am like that also. Guys I meet can’t believe how lucky they are to be with me. Their families are so happy their son has found this hidden “gem”. They marvel at how beautiful, confident, ect. I am but I then jump in and give all my love. I love with all my heart, too much. I give up everything and concentrate only on them. At first I think they’re flattered and i take that to mean they like it but then later it becomes too much. How do I stop those feelings? I don’t know, I”ve not figured that out yet. How do I love just a little and not too much?

MAybe you are a little relationhsip addicted? I think I was for certain. I felt the same way about my ex BF…very addicted. He ws like a drug to me.

@D –

I don’t think I”m a relatsionship addict. I mean, I knew the man had faults but I was willing to overlook them and still make a life with him. I think what got him was frist off, he was just divorced in March, I started going out with him in June and he had a relationship before me (after his divorce). I think he was jumping into relationships too soon. But the downfall of the relationship started one night when I told him all my good qualities and named things I had going for me and ask him what he had to add to my life. (We had this conversation because anytime he’d get mad he would say “he was never getting married again”. Anyway, I don’t even know why I”m upset over the breakup but I am.

My ex dumped me recently and used his family and financial issues as the “problem”. He also said “I will always love you, maybe someday we can smile about this”. I just think this is a cowardly move, I think the Dumper needs to be honest…it will hurt the Dumpee but atleast it’s not giving hope to them.

its been about three months since my breakup.. and im STILL not over it, it basically sucks cause im litterally stuck in a life i hate.. im a junior in highschool and he went off to college, i just keep thinking about everyhing he promised me that i was the only girl he wanted to be with and all the stuff like that and how him going to college he wanted to make it work. he was my first real relationship, but he was really clingy so i lost most of my friends because of it.. i thought itd be okay and i want to get better im just struggling.. i really just want to go to college somewhere far away so i can just forget about everything..cause now he doesnt even give me the time of day. life sucks. i still love him but i know i shouldnt. what should i do im just miserable from every aspect possible.

Oh and the things he said when breaking up were… (In a text)I think we should take a break.. What was my relationship not even worth a call? (Nvm in person) anywho when I asked him about it later he said I don’t know what I want, sometimes I want to be with you sometimes I don’t.. I’m trying to stay friends with him because last summer I made a cult id stick by his side no matter what.. I just hope hell do the same.

Without warning, he breaks up with me after three years, and endless promises of a life together. And how does he do it? With phrases 1,2,3,4,5,6,8,9,10. And of course I thought it all made sense..

I actually have had a few variations on these quotes.

“I will always care about you and respect you in the highest regard.”
“Whenever you are ready to be friends, we can pick this back up. I really do want to be friends.”
“I’m afraid I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life (breaking up with you).”
“I’m afraid I’ll never be able to love anyone!”

These are probably some of my favorites. When I first heard them in the heat of the break up I did just like you said and clung to those words with a false sense of hope that it might mean reconciliation. But now that I’ve had time to stand back and look at it with calm thoughts, I realize that it takes a very emotionally immature person to say those sort of things to another person. If you truly cared about not hurting the person anymore than you had to, you would avoid stringing them along with such fluffy lines.

I’m so happy I found this article. You’re fantastic Eddie

What’s funny about no 5 the “you deserve better” statement is that it’s true lol, mine said it, and I believe it! . And actually I dumped him first coz he ignored me a lot… , then I sorta tried a makeup then he wanted to just be friends – excuse was he wasn’t over his ex (he’d ignored me alot and I didn’t like it..)… , so I kicked him out lol. He’s pulled all those lines up there, even went the don’t talk 30 days etc. Now we are at a stalemate getting nowhere, he’s supposedly had a girlfriend a month after our “breakup” and I know it’s all just a lie, now says he’s “waiting for her” he hasn’t heard from her in 3 weeks. he “confessed to me” he missed her, confessed? lol. Anyway it’s just one big game after the other, I recently was just in another relationship that thank god only got as far a few kisses, I liked him okay but it was a wishy washy thing, he being in the middle of a divorce etc. just complicates things, havent seen him in 4 days now and not expecting too lol. Ehh life’s just a bitch then you die, don’t expect anything and you won’t be disappointed. lol

I’ve heard so many of these.. And I always hate it. One that I truly hate is “I need time to think.” Should that show me he just wants other girls or just actually wanted to break up? This still confuses me most..

i got the ( its not you its me ) my reply was that old cestnut then found out she was cheatting on me for 4 weeks

@Amy – i gad this said also it such a load of balls why cant people just tell the truth

“I have been there, I thought I was never going to love again, and then I found you… you will get over it, give it time”
I know this was said in a sincere attempt to help, but all I heard was “once I loved someone as much as you love me… sorry I couldn’t love you that much… you’ll get over it”

“i don’t want to hurt you” … yeah i got that one. only it was followed by “i have to tell you the full and honest truth…. all this time i’ve only been using you for sex.”

i’m just laughed in his face after that one.

I was dumped just a few days ago. Here’s exactly how it happened: This is the email (yep, email) he sent…

I’m sorry I missed your call. I was taking a nap and it rang out before I could answer.
I’ve been a bit in a cave this week for a reason. Well, my ex came over on my birthday and said she wants to get back together. Yes, this is complicated and kind of brings my life to a halt. I’m trying to work this idea out in my head and my heart, and what is the right thing to do. It isnt easy, and I/we see the therapist on Wednesday for support. Life is way too complicated sometimes, and the burden of being heartbroken sometimes is overwhelming in itself.
I need some time to breathe and figure out what to do at this point. I think it helps I have [my son - parentheses are mine I took out his kid's name] all this week with me because of the holidays so I have some diversion and can put it all in perspective. I hope the seminars down South went well for you. Time to go back to sleep a bit. I’m terribly sorry not to say this over the phone but I dont think I could express very much right now; and honestly my emotions are pretty fried/they have been the last few years so anything emotional kind of sends me scurrying back to my cave. Please excuse me.

I called and said I have one question: “Did you sleep with her?” He said “yes”. I said “Then that’s all I need to know. Please mail back my stuff.” That was it. I hung up. He did then send an email saying how much he respected me – I HATE that line, because it just makes me think, “Wow, if this is how treat me when you DO respect me, how would you have treated me if you DIDN’T respect me”. Then he said he was sorry for “being a dick and being clumsy”. I think that’s about the only apology I”m going to get. Both emails were all about him and what he was feeling – wow. He didn’t have the guts to completely break it off (I had to do that – he just did the “I need some time” shtick) and he wasn’t even willing to talk to me on the phone, let alone in person. Sheesh.

@Kelly – To everyone who has had a broken heart! why do you think its called FALLING in love?
Because it HURTS!!! Just remember to get up, brush yourself off and try again when you are ready. xoxo

@Cat – Thanks! I hope he and his ex wife are happy together – they divorced four years ago – and as my good friend said – “you’d think that a grown adult going through the process of a divorce – especially if there are kids involved – would be in the “damn sure nothing else to think about category”. Anyway, my earring is still in his bed (yep, I was in his bed the night before his ex was) so maybe it stabbed both of them in the eye…

I had found the one that i thought i was going to marry. i knew that she had fears about commitment because she had been married and left with a 7-month old baby, so I avoided the subject of marriage. after one year of dating, much of which consisted of time at home with her daughter, she began saying things like excited she gets about the thought of marrying me one day. she even had a conversation with her daughter, in front of me, about having a baby sister very soon. so, a few days later i bring up the idea of marriage, just to see where she stands and if she is more comfortable with the idea. she says that she is not, but a couple of days later tells me that she is falling in love with me all over again (to reassure me that she still wants to be with me) and a few nights later, she breaks up with me with vague comments about just being confused about what she wants. the next day she sends me a text about how she knows she is giving up a whole hell of a lot in me and kicking herself in the ass for breaking up with me, but that she knows it has to be this way right now. she also tells me that she is hopeful we can come back together some day but that she knows it can’t happen now. she tells me that she is not yet ready for commitment and i can’t help asking “why would you tell me how excited you were about the thought of marrying me and ask your daughter about having a sister or brother soon. about a week later she texts me again to tell me how depressed she is since breaking up with me and how she has realized so many things that she missed about me, but that she still doesn’t think we should be together right now. another week passes and she emails me to tell me that she has gotten on medication for bipolar disorder and that everything is so much clearer to her now….and that her daughter asks about me all of the time since we broke up.
what is this person’s deal? everything she has done or said has served to keep me hanging on. is this her purpose? and for what?

Background:

Both of us divorced (young adolescent kids getting ready to go off on their own) Me in school full time and after having to get through a terrible abusive relationship lasting 17 years and taking 4 years to find the courage to date again.

This is my first real relationship since then and it was a LD relationship.

The short story goes:

I haven’t seen him for a couple months just prior to a week in Vegas. When he gets back (we had contact everyday that he was gone with lots of “love you babe’s”) I pick him up at the same time having paper deadlines to finish and I take time out to spend time with him and really welcome him home then, for a second time in our relationship, he cuts off communication for no apparent reason, then why I ask why he texts back that ‘why is it I can’s just give him space…then there was other words but he may as well of had these in blaring neon “The spark is gone”. I ended that night’s conversation pretty quickly after that but first I got in a few FU’s. That night was restless and I spent the next day just doing homework and sitting silently with the pain…. then early that evening I got more texts and this is the conversation I chose to have:

Him: Do you still feel the same today?
Me: I’m trying to make my way through a philosophy book…my life will go on with or without you…I’m not sure what it is you want nor do I think you know either…you may be afraid of loosing something if your with me…shall I say freedom…so there is nothing I’m going to do to stop you…I’m not your keeper nor will I try…if you need time take all you want…like I said my life will go on…I want it to mean something to me so I will never give up on it…maybe its best we just let it go…I can’t do this anymore…its hard to find trust in a relationship that your not sure the other wants…and besides its to hard on my emotions to be wanted one day and ignored the rest…take the time to decide what it is you want in life…I may still be around or I may not but hopefully you will have discovered what it is you want…Are you ok?
Him: I guess you’re right in that I don’t know what I want…. I’m actually a wreck
Me: Just let it go…there’s nothing to get wrecked about…you’ll be fine eventually…then when your head is clear you’ll be free to figure out where you want to go from here…I’m not going to beg you to stay…it was always a choice you needed to make for yourself…however since its my feelings that are being tossed around with your indecisiveness it becomes my choice to let you do it to me or not…I choose not to live like that…nor do I think you want to either…we have to say good bye…and yes it hurts but it hurts equally as much if not more to leave it like this…give it time you’ll be fine and you’ll be free from the emotional upheaval that this relationship is causing…
Him: What is it that you want? What are your goals and dreams? You have made comments that there’s nothing holding you where you are … Doesn’t that create a lot of uncertainty for me as well? How am I to interpret all this? I’ve been wondering if I’m disposable when you decide what it is you want.
Me: Well all you had to do was ask me…instead you shut me out…I don’t know where I’m headed…I have school to finish…I set out to do it…its paid for so I’m going to finish…after that I don’t know…I have no plans…I guess I was just planning on going wherever my life takes me…after school I have to work…where or at what is too far in the future for me to see…but it was something I wished we could have talked about but when I brought it up all you could do was go silent and run…and no I have never thought you were disposable…hoping on flexible but never disposable
Him: Well that is what I want to be – flexible. I have no idea of where I’ll be in the future neither and am willing to just go with the flow so to speak, to a certain point. There are practical things, which I must plan for, such as a place to live that is not dependent upon being in [this work]. The writing is on the wall as far as my long-term continuation of what I do. And in all honesty that scares the hell out of me … All I know to do is [this work].

Me: Don’t you have bowling tonight?

(Ok in all honesty I switched the conversation here by not responding to his uncertainties. He could have brought them up way before this. Now I really don’t care what or what he doesn’t want or need or is confused about. Aren’t we all at times in our lives, is that a reason to just shut your feelings off? I don’t think so.)

Him: I’m not going. [Friend] and I went to the [restaurant] for supper and I couldn’t even finish one beer … It just started my guts churning so I’m staying home and trying to find something brainless to watch on tv and hopefully fall asleep

(Wants sympathy that I don’t have to give him)

Me: I didn’t go to class either…this mornings class was cancelled…but I am trying to get through some homework…and I’m trying to just stay calm…there is nothing I can do to change things so I’m just going to surrender to it and let it be…getting angry or falling into an emotional wreck just means I’m trying to control what is not in my control…basically just being still with the hurt…
Him: I’m sorry
Me: Don’t be…I’m not sorry I met you…just let me go …and don’t feel guilty I’ll be fine
Him: I know you’ll be fine as you’re a very strong lady … Its me that I’m worried about … For I do love you very deeply and I don’t know if I can go on without you

(I love you so deeply but “there is no spark” – This one isn’t worth a response and “I need space” – How much more space do you need was the last 2 months not enough?)

Me: You were doing perfectly fine before me and you will again…seems to me your problems started because you were with me…
Him: Not at all
Me: I’ll leave you be with your homework :*
Him: … That’s for now … Not permanently

(It’s permanent for me…I have set up the NC (No Contact) strategy and plan on sticking to it…after my silent retreat, Me, myself and I have all agreed that we will not be treated in such a manner and plan on putting one foot in front of the other and continue on. Looking back, I saw it coming I read the signs and figured I’d be the one to not act in a cowardice way by taking control of my life and making decisions that are in my best interest. The love and trust are gone, I will not beg for someone to love me for I love myself enough already. So if I’m going to be in a relationship then I want one in which “Love is the responsibility of an I for a You”. One that brings me joy to do things for another, not wanting to change them, liking everything about them (even the things I don’t like), feeling loved whether together or apart, putting an effort into making two ways of living into a respected and honored one way and hopefully they will reciprocate by finding joy in doing these things as well…If loving someone becomes a burden it wasn’t really love in the first place because there was never a time that you let the other be a subject (instead of an object) long enough in order to feel their true essence as a person…Now I say up and on with LIFE!)

@Lisalisa –

I am struggling with this same issue. my ex said that she hoped we could be friends and that we needed to give things a year to see “where our spirits take us” and each time she would reach out i would cling to hope that this meant she was holding onto me for the time when she was ready. if we have things to work on in order to grow, why can’t we work on them together?

@Andy –
just heard every single one of thes over the course of about 3 weeks before i finally cut her off (sometimes i regret that because i miss her fiercely; she either wants me in her life on some level or wants me on a string). hope that you are doing well and have been able to move on.

@Marilyn – The part that got me was he’d lost that spark. I think that sums it up, mess on all that wishy washy other stuff. He’s just playing you now. With your emotions and who god knows what else he’s after really. A player? Say whatever you want then run back in whenever you want? Whatever…

@tony -As a woman, I have no clue what’s wrong with this woman. I’ve never done anything like what you said she did. Sorry, I wish I could help. But on a personal level, she sounds really mixed up to me, friends whatever that’s no biggy. Sometimes I wonder if these are all just games they play with us to see if we will profess our undying love, they really need to understand that that’s not the way it works, and it’s not fair. When someone says they lost that spark or they need time etc etc. it says they have doubts, how in the world do they expect you to start professing undying love after doing that? Makes no sense to me.