Break Up and Divorce 10 Things You Don’t Want To Hear From Your Ex

10 Things You Don’t Want To Hear From Your Ex

As if one thing wasn't enough, they had to add another thing on top of it:

Your partner doesn't want to be with you any longer, and they have to try to comfort you – to make you feel better.

What most of the “Dumpers” simply fail to understand is: they CANNOT give any comfort.

They can provide as much comfort, as a drug would to a drug addict.

But I don't blame them.

I've been both, “Dumpee” and “Dumper.” The truth is when you care, none of these roles is a walk in the park.

There are certain rules you can follow to break up gracefully, yes, but most of the “Dumpers” have never heard of this.

The result is – they say stupid things that make you hate them, and prolong your healing time.

I've listed below 10 of the worst phrases dumpers have thrown at my readers, as reported in the emails I receive.

Hopefully, YOU will not make the same mistakes in the future.

Still thinking about your Ex? Click here to take the test to learn how long it takes to heal... and how you can speed up the process.

1. “We can still be friends.”

This is an all-time classic.

There are actually three things behind this:

  1. The dumper thinks that being friends with you will make it easier
  2. The dumper doesn't want you to disappear completely from their life, (but also doesn't want you IN their life)
  3. The dumper wants to take advantage of you in some way, (friends, sex, influence, etc.)

The no-contact rule demands that there is no friendship after a breakup, and this is proven to be the best way to go.

Period.

2. “It's not you, it's me…”

This is something utterly stupid to say.

When you are looking for an answer, an explanation, then this answer will confuse you completely.

3. “I love you still, but…”

This sentence is also a big no-no.

I admit that there can be situations where the Dumper honestly thinks that they still love the person they are breaking up with. But that doesn't make it ok to say it.

I understand that the dumper might think that it's easier for the one left behind, but trust me, it isn't.

On the contrary, it is MUCH harder to hear that your Ex still loves you.

“Then why is he breaking up with me?”

This is a legitimate question, which the Dumper never could answer in a way that the Dumpee understands it.

There are some more stupid phrases in the same category:

  • “I will always love you.”
  • “I'm always there for you.”
  • “I have loved you so much.”
  • “You are and always will be someone special to me.”
  • “I don't want to lose you.”

These are all terrible statements you really don't want to hear from your Ex who's breaking up with you.

4. “I am simply not the relationship type.”

This is a classic one.

People have written me that they've heard this one after several years of being together. With this background, such a sentence is only a slap in the face, and an insult.

5. “I am not good enough for you.”

This is usually followed by, “You deserve better than me.”

This one, while also meant to give comfort, accomplishes the opposite.

6. “I need time to think.”

The next thing you are going to hear after this is usually, “We should take a time-out.”

This happens a lot and is almost always a sign of cowardice:

The dumper had the plan to break up but pulled the plug. Instead, they are postponing the problem, at the cost of the one left behind.

The following “time-out” will be Hell for them: they don't know whether they have been dumped or not.

The uncertainty is just unbearable.

In this case, I recommend for you to reply:

“I don't want a time-out. You have to decide right away whether you want to continue the relationship or not!”

7. “That's life!”

Yes, life means making experiences, the good and the ugly – but I don't need YOU to tell me this during the breakup, dear Dumper!

8. “I really don't want to hurt you.”

I'm sure you don't want to hurt the one you're breaking up with, but I've got news for you: You ALWAYS do.

It's impossible to break up with someone without hurting.

That's a fact.

All you can do is follow some rules and try to make it as graceful as possible.

That's hard, of course, but doable.

9. “I'm sure that I will regret this.”

Now, what's that supposed to mean? Is this a hidden clue that it might later come to reconciliation?

While this is very often just an expression the Dumper throws in without thinking about it, the Dumpee will not forget it.

In fact, this single expression will most likely lead to harmful “overthinking.”

10. “I don't know what I want.”

This is very often an attempt to draw attention to them, hoping to distract from the horrible situation that is happening.

If it's followed by something like, “my life is a mess,” then the Dumper is trying to be pitiful.

They don't know what they want, but they still want to break up.

Don't play this game.

Conclusion

If you are the Dumper, then please avoid sentences like this.

I'm sure you have best intentions, but they can only do harm to the person left behind.

Plan ahead what you are going to say, be clear in your intention and leave no doubt. That's the best you can do.

If you are the Dumpee and your Ex throws sentences like this at you, try not to take them to heart. Ignore them the best you can.

All the information you need is that your partner wants to break up with you, as painful as that might be.

The best you can do is to forget everything they say while breaking up, how they say it is not relevant.

The consequences of it are hard enough to deal with – don't burden yourself with the details.

Now it's your turn: What have you heard from your Ex that you really hated? Please list those phrases in the comment section.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

  • I had found the one that i thought i was going to marry. i knew that she had fears about commitment because she had been married and left with a 7-month old baby, so I avoided the subject of marriage. after one year of dating, much of which consisted of time at home with her daughter, she began saying things like excited she gets about the thought of marrying me one day. she even had a conversation with her daughter, in front of me, about having a baby sister very soon. so, a few days later i bring up the idea of marriage, just to see where she stands and if she is more comfortable with the idea. she says that she is not, but a couple of days later tells me that she is falling in love with me all over again (to reassure me that she still wants to be with me) and a few nights later, she breaks up with me with vague comments about just being confused about what she wants. the next day she sends me a text about how she knows she is giving up a whole hell of a lot in me and kicking herself in the ass for breaking up with me, but that she knows it has to be this way right now. she also tells me that she is hopeful we can come back together some day but that she knows it can’t happen now. she tells me that she is not yet ready for commitment and i can’t help asking “why would you tell me how excited you were about the thought of marrying me and ask your daughter about having a sister or brother soon. about a week later she texts me again to tell me how depressed she is since breaking up with me and how she has realized so many things that she missed about me, but that she still doesn’t think we should be together right now. another week passes and she emails me to tell me that she has gotten on medication for bipolar disorder and that everything is so much clearer to her now….and that her daughter asks about me all of the time since we broke up.
    what is this person’s deal? everything she has done or said has served to keep me hanging on. is this her purpose? and for what?

    • Run! You keep hanging on…move on. What happens when she gets off of her meds?

  • @Cat – Thanks! I hope he and his ex wife are happy together – they divorced four years ago – and as my good friend said – “you’d think that a grown adult going through the process of a divorce – especially if there are kids involved – would be in the “damn sure nothing else to think about category”. Anyway, my earring is still in his bed (yep, I was in his bed the night before his ex was) so maybe it stabbed both of them in the eye…

  • @Kelly – To everyone who has had a broken heart! why do you think its called FALLING in love?
    Because it HURTS!!! Just remember to get up, brush yourself off and try again when you are ready. xoxo

  • I was dumped just a few days ago. Here’s exactly how it happened: This is the email (yep, email) he sent…

    I’m sorry I missed your call. I was taking a nap and it rang out before I could answer.
    I’ve been a bit in a cave this week for a reason. Well, my ex came over on my birthday and said she wants to get back together. Yes, this is complicated and kind of brings my life to a halt. I’m trying to work this idea out in my head and my heart, and what is the right thing to do. It isnt easy, and I/we see the therapist on Wednesday for support. Life is way too complicated sometimes, and the burden of being heartbroken sometimes is overwhelming in itself.
    I need some time to breathe and figure out what to do at this point. I think it helps I have [my son – parentheses are mine I took out his kid’s name] all this week with me because of the holidays so I have some diversion and can put it all in perspective. I hope the seminars down South went well for you. Time to go back to sleep a bit. I’m terribly sorry not to say this over the phone but I dont think I could express very much right now; and honestly my emotions are pretty fried/they have been the last few years so anything emotional kind of sends me scurrying back to my cave. Please excuse me.

    I called and said I have one question: “Did you sleep with her?” He said “yes”. I said “Then that’s all I need to know. Please mail back my stuff.” That was it. I hung up. He did then send an email saying how much he respected me – I HATE that line, because it just makes me think, “Wow, if this is how treat me when you DO respect me, how would you have treated me if you DIDN’T respect me”. Then he said he was sorry for “being a dick and being clumsy”. I think that’s about the only apology I”m going to get. Both emails were all about him and what he was feeling – wow. He didn’t have the guts to completely break it off (I had to do that – he just did the “I need some time” shtick) and he wasn’t even willing to talk to me on the phone, let alone in person. Sheesh.

  • “i don’t want to hurt you” … yeah i got that one. only it was followed by “i have to tell you the full and honest truth…. all this time i’ve only been using you for sex.”

    i’m just laughed in his face after that one.

  • “I have been there, I thought I was never going to love again, and then I found you… you will get over it, give it time”
    I know this was said in a sincere attempt to help, but all I heard was “once I loved someone as much as you love me… sorry I couldn’t love you that much… you’ll get over it”

  • i got the ( its not you its me ) my reply was that old cestnut then found out she was cheatting on me for 4 weeks

    @Amy – i gad this said also it such a load of balls why cant people just tell the truth

  • I’ve heard so many of these.. And I always hate it. One that I truly hate is “I need time to think.” Should that show me he just wants other girls or just actually wanted to break up? This still confuses me most..

  • What’s funny about no 5 the “you deserve better” statement is that it’s true lol, mine said it, and I believe it! 😀 . And actually I dumped him first coz he ignored me a lot… , then I sorta tried a makeup then he wanted to just be friends – excuse was he wasn’t over his ex (he’d ignored me alot and I didn’t like it..)… , so I kicked him out lol. He’s pulled all those lines up there, even went the don’t talk 30 days etc. Now we are at a stalemate getting nowhere, he’s supposedly had a girlfriend a month after our “breakup” and I know it’s all just a lie, now says he’s “waiting for her” he hasn’t heard from her in 3 weeks. he “confessed to me” he missed her, confessed? lol. Anyway it’s just one big game after the other, I recently was just in another relationship that thank god only got as far a few kisses, I liked him okay but it was a wishy washy thing, he being in the middle of a divorce etc. just complicates things, havent seen him in 4 days now and not expecting too lol. Ehh life’s just a bitch then you die, don’t expect anything and you won’t be disappointed. lol

  • I actually have had a few variations on these quotes.

    “I will always care about you and respect you in the highest regard.”
    “Whenever you are ready to be friends, we can pick this back up. I really do want to be friends.”
    “I’m afraid I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life (breaking up with you).”
    “I’m afraid I’ll never be able to love anyone!”

    These are probably some of my favorites. When I first heard them in the heat of the break up I did just like you said and clung to those words with a false sense of hope that it might mean reconciliation. But now that I’ve had time to stand back and look at it with calm thoughts, I realize that it takes a very emotionally immature person to say those sort of things to another person. If you truly cared about not hurting the person anymore than you had to, you would avoid stringing them along with such fluffy lines.

    I’m so happy I found this article. You’re fantastic Eddie 🙂

  • Without warning, he breaks up with me after three years, and endless promises of a life together. And how does he do it? With phrases 1,2,3,4,5,6,8,9,10. And of course I thought it all made sense..

  • Oh and the things he said when breaking up were… (In a text)I think we should take a break.. What was my relationship not even worth a call? (Nvm in person) anywho when I asked him about it later he said I don’t know what I want, sometimes I want to be with you sometimes I don’t.. I’m trying to stay friends with him because last summer I made a cult id stick by his side no matter what.. I just hope hell do the same.

  • its been about three months since my breakup.. and im STILL not over it, it basically sucks cause im litterally stuck in a life i hate.. im a junior in highschool and he went off to college, i just keep thinking about everyhing he promised me that i was the only girl he wanted to be with and all the stuff like that and how him going to college he wanted to make it work. he was my first real relationship, but he was really clingy so i lost most of my friends because of it.. i thought itd be okay and i want to get better im just struggling.. i really just want to go to college somewhere far away so i can just forget about everything..cause now he doesnt even give me the time of day. life sucks. i still love him but i know i shouldnt. what should i do im just miserable from every aspect possible.

  • My ex dumped me recently and used his family and financial issues as the “problem”. He also said “I will always love you, maybe someday we can smile about this”. I just think this is a cowardly move, I think the Dumper needs to be honest…it will hurt the Dumpee but atleast it’s not giving hope to them.

  • Heartbroken says:

    @D

    I don’t think I”m a relatsionship addict. I mean, I knew the man had faults but I was willing to overlook them and still make a life with him. I think what got him was frist off, he was just divorced in March, I started going out with him in June and he had a relationship before me (after his divorce). I think he was jumping into relationships too soon. But the downfall of the relationship started one night when I told him all my good qualities and named things I had going for me and ask him what he had to add to my life. (We had this conversation because anytime he’d get mad he would say “he was never getting married again”. Anyway, I don’t even know why I”m upset over the breakup but I am.

  • Originally Posted By HeartBrokenDino, I am like that also. Guys I meet can’t believe how lucky they are to be with me. Their families are so happy their son has found this hidden “gem”. They marvel at how beautiful, confident, ect. I am but I then jump in and give all my love. I love with all my heart, too much. I give up everything and concentrate only on them. At first I think they’re flattered and i take that to mean they like it but then later it becomes too much. How do I stop those feelings? I don’t know, I”ve not figured that out yet. How do I love just a little and not too much?

    MAybe you are a little relationhsip addicted? I think I was for certain. I felt the same way about my ex BF…very addicted. He ws like a drug to me.

  • Originally Posted By Kelvin@Michele
    You might never know why you were dumped. These statements from the dumper never really helps the dumpee. It will hurt, BUT, don’t blame yourself. It is the worst thing you can do. I’ve been through it. My ex said most if not all of the statements above. No matter what he/she say, it will NEVER be good enough to bring comfort. Just make sure to take care of yourself.
    Trust me…

    NEVER been said better…so true. You will NEVER know but really…who cares? he’s done..he’s moved on…you can do the same. And remember..the BEST revenge i a GOOD LIFE!!!! Find yourself someone who will treat you like a princess and our ex will (TRUST ME) be soooo jealous! lol NOT tha we do this so they want us ack…we do it because we want them to feel as bad as they made us feel.

  • it is unfortunate but you will never know the real reasons. My ex waited until we had been broken up for 2 months and then had sex again to tel me he had fallen out of love with me months before we broke up…..and ten when I left he called me and said “I want you to know i’d try again with you if our family and friends did not know all that happened” (ie: he cheated on me and was a drug user/alchoholic/ and physically abusive). WHY would someone say that?? You’re telling me you’d want to work it out BUT you just said you wre NOT in love with me? PHYSCO. Thats why.

  • The same thing happened to me actually almost on the same day (aug 30th). He was controlling but WOW I loved him so whatever he said to do, wear, talk to I did. He became emotionally AND physically abusive and we arent kids..we are 40 and 42. He broke up with me then had sex w me one more time and 3 days later was dating someone else who thought we had been broken up for months.

    Hindsight.: the man is and always WILL BE a liar, Since then I have found out basically EVERYTHING he ever told me about himself, his life etc were lies. He, I believe, has a personality disorder and DEF. has a drinking and cocaine abuse habit. I am SO better off without him in my life. However..part of me wants to still be with him. guess that’s my codependent side.

    Anyway it gts better. It never gts easier. I don’t cry daily anymore but Iget choked up sometimes. When I see how DUMB his new GF is (she knows what he is..I told her..Oh and also, he cheated on her two different times w me and I did tell her that) it makes me feel better…he is HER problem now..she still goes back even though she says she believes me. She had been dating him for 5 weeks and he was telling her he loved her…then coming home and sleeping with me…and the other half of Nashville. He’s disgusting. He is also broke and is trying to latch onto her money. She has no clue..thinks he is loaded. If she only believed the truth…a rolex and a mercedes and a porsche do NOT make a man a rich man when they can’t even pay the bills. and has like 0 credit. and a credit rating of 200.

    Anyway I had no closure either. He broke u with me via text..lol I had to go thru a lot of pain. I went back to church and that helped me to know he was God’s problem..not mine. I see him out drunk and I do try to tell myself he is doing to her what he did to me now….and it makes it better. I am friends with BOTH his ex wives and they are SO supportive..they had it allll happen to them to. It has been about 2.5 months now and I still think about him daily..but it did get better. I have met a WONDERFUL, kind and very generous man who treats me lik a queen. I don;t want the crap I put up with for 18 months anymore.

    Moral of the story is a leopard never changes his spots. PERIOD. There are WAY too many good men out there to be conned by a piece of crap. Do NOT become bitter…just ackowledge the red flags..don’t think they arepretty flowers swaying in the breeze…

  • @Sergio –

    I don’t think I will ever turn into a cold, paranoid person over this. I have a good sense of self and I know that I am capable of giving all of my love to someone. I think that I am still in shock and without closure, so I am searching for reasons to fill my head. I know its not the right move, but that doesn’t make it easy to stop. I am trying my best, but its the phase I am in trying to deal with this.
    Thank you for your advice. I can’t go back and change anything. Maybe we weren’t meant to be together, but I don’t believe that in the slightest at this point; one day I will realize it.

    I was myself and I gave my all and I have to feel good about that and move forward.

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