One of the most fatal characteristics of break-up recovery is what I call the “two steps forward – one step back” phenomenon.
Maybe you've experienced it already.
You wake up one morning and feel great. During the next few hours, you notice that you haven't thought about your Ex for a while, you feel energized and motivated to get out there and live your life.
You feel happy, you feel good.
“That's it,” you think. Â “I am finally over him/her.”
Until you experience that one moment, which unfortunately shows that you're far from it!
Later that day, you see someone that looks exactly like your Ex, or a friend you had not seen for a long time asks you how you two are doing. Â Or maybe you find something that belonged to her/him under the couch.
And boom – you're back to square one.
At least it feels that way.
The truth is that you've made two steps forward, and now just one step back. But what it means is that you've still made ONE step forward.
So you've actually made progress.
We have to understand that break-up recovery is not a straight line.
We don't go from complete break-down to extreme happiness in just a certain amount of days.
It is more like climbing a huge mountain.
While doing the arduous climb to the next stages, we may trip, fall and slide down to the previous base-camp. And the thought that we have to make this horrible climb again seems unbearable.
All these exertions for nothing?
But it wasn't for nothing.
Now that we know the biggest obstacles, we can hike past them, and find better and faster trails.
We didn't lose what we have learned along the way that we've already traveled.
5 Signs You Are Still Not Over Your Ex
After such a “fall,” you may ask yourself how you can know for sure that you are over your Ex once and for all.
There is one way to know – you know that you are definitely over your Ex when you can stand in front of them, talk to them, know they are in a new relationship and feel NOTHING.
That's the ultimate test.
MORE: How I Finally Let Go Of My Ex – The Last Step
But I don't recommend doing that unless you are absolutely sure. Otherwise, it could throw you way back.
What's easier to determine, are signs that you are NOT over them. These are recurring patterns that happen when we are still in the “depression” or “rebuilding” phase.
You haven't let go of your Ex if you experience one of the following:
1. The Urge To Contact Them Is Nearly Uncontrollable
You feel an almost physical need to contact them, like hearing from them is crucial for your well-being.
You have the urge to share your thoughts and worries with them as you did while you were still together.
That means that you still think that your Ex is your “confidential person,” the one you share your life with.
2. The Cyber-Stalking Is Killing You
We discussed the fatal consequences of cyber-stalking many times before, (link to Facebook tag), but the main sign that you haven't moved on yet is not the fact that you are curious about their life. It's that it devastates you when you find out certain details.
Remember, the ultimate goal is indifference.
You are checking Facebook, and there are your Ex's newest pictures of his/her “new life,” and it kills you?
Nope, you are still not over him/her.
3. You Have No Clue Why The Relationship Really Ended
To understand and fully grasp the real reasons why the relationship ended in the first place so that you can learn from this experience, is an essential part of moving on.
So by implication, if you have no clue, and you maybe blame yourself alone for “blowing it,” then you still have recovery work to do.
4. You Have The Secret Hope That Everything Will Be As It Was Before
The false belief that your Ex will eventually become the person he or she was before – given enough time, I-love-you assurances from you, persistence and maybe even stalking – is the MAIN reason you may feel stuck.
Letting go means accepting. And accepting means letting go of the hope of getting back together.
Once you do, you take responsibility for your life and your recovery.
5. You Are Caught In The “what-If” And “if-Only” Trap
You are still going through scenarios about what would've happened if you haven't done this or that.
You are blaming yourself for the mistakes you think you've made, and you are convinced that it was solely YOUR fault that the relationship ended.
If you'd only had told them how much you loved them more often, or fought less, or cooked them more dinners, or brought them flowers or whatever.
If you find yourself caught in this fatal trap regularly, then you are still not over your Ex.
Conclusion
Whether you ARE or you are NOT over them, you can only determine with the “ultimate test” as I've stated above.
But because this test can often do more harm than good, you can use the above signs to get a vague idea of how far you've come.
In any case, I advise you NOT to rush yourself, and don't force your recovery.
Because it takes as long as it takes.
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
Eddie and someone please give me advice I’m so lost,
I met my ex in high school and we started dating when we were 14, we lost our virginities to each other and were dating until recently last week he called me and said he couldn’t do it anymore and that he loved me but he doesnt love me like he used to and the spark in our relationship is fading, we have been dating for 8 years we are both 22 now, we took a break a while ago in which we both went off and slept with other people but realized that it wasn’t what we wanted and that we wanted to be together, when he called me I was so thrown off and it came out of no where I didn’t see the breakup coming, he ended things with me last Thursday and told me that it was goodbye forever and he didn’t want to see me to talk it out or even see me to say goodbye in person immediately after hanging up the phone he blocked my number and told my best friend he wants nothing to do with me anymore, I took this as such a shock and I was extremely hurt because I just didn’t understsnd I have been with him for 8 years he was my best friend and the love of my life and I don’t know what happened I was just really confused so unbelievably hurt and at a loss for words, the next day i got a call and I found out he was cheating on me for the last 2 months he had been sleeping with someone since November, when I found that out I was even more hurt and just broken, I mean it all made sense now about the not loving me like he used to and the spark fading and stuff but I just couldn’t understand what happend, the next day I changed my number so that all contact is cut I am on day 11 of no contact I’m sure he has no idea I have changed my number because he had mine blocked after the breakup call, I am just so hurt and I can’t believe that he was doing that to me and I had no idea I can’t get over the fact that he didn’t tell me he broke everything and broke my life, I know changing my number was the best thing I could do just in case in the future he unblocks my old one and tries to contact me I don’t even want to know, I guess what’s killing me is the last thing I ever said to him was life is just to short and we’ve been together for most of our life and whenever he feels sad or disappointed in himself to remember that I love him more then anything and I think he’s perfect, and that if someone loves and cares for him more then I do they deserve to have him cause he only deserves the best, I told him I never want the last thing I say to him not to be goodbye but I love you so much so I said I love you and he said goodbye forever and hung up on me, if I only knew he was cheating on me the past two months things would have been different… Well today is day 9 of no contact and a new number and no matter what he has done to me and how bad he has hurt me I still always wish him the best and hope he is not hurting as bad as I am right now, I need help I feel so broken and lost I don’t know what to do, please give me advice on how to get through this I can’t go another day with this pain it’s awful
So, I’m stil dealing with 1 & 2 but am over the rest.
Yup, I gotta deal with that.
Eddie Corbano: Please Help Me!
I met this guy last year 2013 in a conference and since the first moment together, it was all magical! Though I have dated other men but when I met him I just knew that he was the one! It was like full of fireworks and everyday I was like so happy. I was mentally behaving like Tom Cruise jumping on couch in Oprah’s talk show. We made promises. He had to move away to diffferent city. Still then things were great. An evening he said he missed me a lot, somehow it really hit me and I took out all the savings I had to see him because that city was in another part of the world but I had to see him because I was deeply in love with him.
I stayed with him for a week. It was pure joy. I couldn’t have been so happy with a man in my entire life. But slowly things started to change. He was starting to change. Whenever we talked about our relationship there were too many reasons from his side. And he broke off from me an evening.
At first I was like, “I understand its not working out, I respect your decisions and yeah long distant relationships is difficult.” We decided to remain as friends. But who the hell ever said you can ever be friends with your ex???? Its impossible and if you can remain as friends then there wasn’t enough love at the first place.
And after a week I was almost like begging and going back to him. Trying to send him messages, cards, books he wanted to read and movies that reminded me of us when we were together.
He never really tried. Never really tried to talk to me and be friends. I don’t know, still, why did he changed?
It’s been eight months now. I have been fighting day and night trying to keep myself happy. Like a fake person conciously trying all the time to be happy and look happy. Tried looking for videos in youtube on ‘how to get back your ex’ and ‘make a guy come back to you’. But all in vain.
I cry every night to sleep for months. Last night also I could not sleep till 3:30 a.m. because I was thinking of him.
I googled and somehow reached this site. I really want to cure myself, really want to be indifferent to his silence, I really want to be happy again. I want to be a normal person again who goes to bed without any tears and sleep peacefully.
But I don’t know how?
I tried dating other guy also but I am not the same person anymore. Everything hurts and I have trust issues now.
Please advise me. Please. Please.
I was wit my ex for 7 rollercoaster years…it was the best years of our lives..I trusted her wit all my heart or so I thought she will never leave me because of the happiness that Ive given her..after the fifth year when the feeling of love became more like a commitment hmm I started to get jealous whenevr shes at work beginning to feel suspicious n started to accuse her of so many things..she couldnt take it so she left me..but after much persuasion n saying sorry for my mistakes she came back to me abt after 2 weeks..than we would hv carry on for another 2 years n things gt gack to square 1..she was doin well in her job so mayb becoz of that I gt jealous of her even more n we started to fight almost everyday mostly abt her work n stuff..im the 1 who always start the fight..finally she couldnt take any longer she decided to dump me becoz of the stress im giving her..this time I force myself beg her tocomeback but she says she lost her feelings n all fell out of love n etc its been almost 2 monts nw n I still want her back nt in ccontact wit her cant bear the thought that she b having sex wit another guy or1 nite stands
this is lovely, eddie, very helpful. thank you, I’m still 4 out of 5 though… taking one step at a time.
Out of 5…I have not yet ready for the no. 2. Any news regarding to my ex hurting me at this moment. I feel better as long as I never heard about him or his new girl that he cheated me with. I still experiencing anxiety and sadness but not as bad as before. He breakup with me today 1 month ago. I still miss him somehow but I know even he come back I don’t want him anymore. I feel so much better after follow the NC rules. Everytime I think about him I snap the rubber band and command myself to stop thinking. This website really do help me a lot. Everytime I feel down and wanted to cry I visit this page and read all the comment here and think mine is not so bad after all. If they can get through this so can I.
My issues is so old. we dated for 5 years back in the early 90’s. So much time has gone by and I have run into her over the years. The issue is this, it is sometimes friendly and at other times quite cold. I attended a re-union back in December 2009. Ran into this X and she completely blew me off. No issues…until the next day…the old memories and angry even pain started to re-surface out of nowhere…I shared this with some very close friends of mine. They often tell me that she is holding on to something. Lond story short, I reached out to her on FB. well she was short with her words, cold…And reminded me that we “had a good thing” and she only remembers the fun times and not the “bad” in quotation. We decided to meet up for a drink and it looks to me that she wants nothing more than to keep a memory fresh in my mind. She is married, I have run into her since and she holds a grudge. The problem is, I am feeling it again after so many years…I never thought of her….Now over 3 plus years later I think alot of pain has subsided a bit…what is the hangup? and is it all a game on her end..her comments are cutting..almost done with a purpose…Is it possible to have hurt feeling crop up after so many years??any feed back is much appreciated…thx.
I feel back on only one of these mistakes. My ex and i were still facebook friends and i admit i went to her page and after 7 weeks basically professed her love for her new love on my home page. She later discovered that I had read it and sent me an apology but stated she stood by how she felt and didnt mind sharing with her friends. Actually, her profestion of her “love” for her new man was really all i needed to drive home that its over. It was right then when I said to myself, “she never really loved me and i should give up this notion of getting back with her…ever. i deserve better.” After some words, I wished her will and was generally happy for her. Hope this works out for her. As for me, my path to recovery may have to start all over, but I think it’ll be far easier than before.
Iv been in an abusive relationship for nearly 2 and a half years. Sometimes he is lovely. Very loving. But know its the same old story. We’re fine for a few weeks then he says or does something horrible. My problem is yes I want him outta my life BUT he lives opposite. I can’t afford to sell my house and move away and neither can he. How can I move on. I see him every day in passing. And keep getting drawn back in. Any tips or ideas would be gratefully appreciated. I’m getting desperate and really don’t want to keep having the tears and upset every few weeks.
Yes, two steps forward, one step back. But good to be reminded one step forward IS forward. It’s really hard. 7 weeks post break up, 2 weeks nc. Long way to go but I do feel like I am getting stronger. This website has been a godsend! Without it I am sure things would be going much worse bc before i found it i was doing every break up dont in the book and suffering for it! nc is sanity. It helps to read others stories and to be reminded its not about him anymore its about me. Good luck everyone, we will get there! And we will be stronger and healthier and wiser for it. Hugs!
Hi
I really need help because i feel i’m going insane
I’m 35 yold, and i was in a 6 months relationship -with my ex (38 years old) we were pretty serious, spending 6 days/7 together , almost living at his place , got a cat together etc – he broke up with me last week, telling me first he didnt think he was the man i wanted him to be , that he needed to step back to see if he was ready for the next level of our relationship : moving together), that he was afraid of abandonment so he was pushing away the person when he felt too close… that it wasn’t me, i was perfect etc etc etc …i begged him to not leave me..nothing changed his mind, he wanted to breakup , saying he doesn’t know the future, he might regret it..so we left each other with those last words : me : is it over ? hi : yes, for today .. me : But i will wait for you…him : yes i know, it’s selfish, i’m selfish …. voila ! so here i am, went through 4 really bad days , then decided to move on, but still had this damn hope that maybe … maybe … so after texting him the 5th day, i went to see him yesterday, i was happy , so was he when he saw me, we chatted and he even gave me a strong hug while i was talking, telling me how glad he was that i was there … everything was fine, until i talked to him about the situation .. i told him i understood, i was going to give him the space he needed, and i will wait, but for my sanity i needed a time limit, so after 1 month i will move on … i could tell he shut down when i said all this, he didnt want to have that talk… i understand, but i needed it ! anyway i changed the topic and decided to leave on a funny note, many hugs, i was giggling , he gave me a soft kiss on the lips, i left quickly with a big smile… i though that was great … but now i dont know, if i text him (random stuff) he answers but short and polite … i guess i should let him be,i just don’t know how … i keep over thinking and analyzing the breakup, his words and what i should do or not do…. i want him back, yes but i don’t even know if the reasons he gave me are the real ones ( i know he had a girl before me , it lasted 15 days, he dumped her and tried to get rid of her, she was harassing him but he was still answering to her , hoping she will give up herself … ) i dont even know if he left that door open because yes, he believes he doesnt know what he wants … i dont know if what i did was a mistake or not, how can i accept this situation and feel better when i have this hope in mind … i tried to make him say, it’s definitely over, and til the end he kept that door open … what should i do now ? 🙁
Hi Fleurette,
I also had a simliar situation last August and he kept trying to push me away, he was alone for five years because of incarceration so I I dont think he knew how to carry on a relationship even though he wanted to. I would run back to him and then our little fights would be over. The last time I refused and he hurt me the way he left, never explained exactly until after, called himself a runaway. Long story short let him go and try to work on you, believe me this is the right choice, otherwise you will be playing the cat and mouse game forever. You deserve someone that will not push you away and respects you for you. It will get easier, For me it has been almost 11 months and yes he kept contacting me up until the end of February telling me he missed me and wished that I would have chased after him and not let him go. Oh well too bad for him he moved on quick because of fear of being alone, now I would have been over hiom way sooner if I would have just had him blocked and ignored him, which I was guilty of not doing. But now his number is out of my phone and head and no FB contact or stalking. So please just follow that and you will make it so much easier on yourself I promise.
About 4 months of being “broken-up” (still seeing each other, talking, sex at the beginning, etc), and 6 weeks of NC. I was the dumper but after I regretted my decision and wanted her back, but she didn’t. Long story short: it goes SOOO much better w time. I almost feel I don’t feel any of those things listed by Eddie. Although I must confess that a couple of days ago I had a dream about her and she was looking hot, so I woke up pissed that I didn’t have a hot girl next to me. But that’s about it, right? No pain, no sadness, all those crazy emotions that you feel when the break-up just started. And i know I’m not completely over her because the idea of her being w another dude simply pisses me off and I prefer to not know/hear anything about her in my life to just avoid learning she’s seeing somebody else (and consequently all the actions that go w it like holding hands, going on dates, having sex, etc). The day I don’t care about those things, the day I’m 100% indiferent like Eddie says in an article on this website, then I’ll know I’m over her. I feel I’m very close to it only after 6 weeks of NC. The first days I didn’t know it would get so much better with time. So if you’re reading this and have just broken-up, know that it does get better and you will be fine. I promise!
It’s been about 2 months since me & my ex broke up and I am still really having a hard time with it. This website helps me a lot so I can know I’m not the only one going through this. I give myself 6 months to really be over it all or maybe a year.
Well done Eddie. Really great analysis.
The one that i think of as the most important is the one regarding hope. When you fantasize and visualize yourself with your ex again. This is a big sign and a big reason as well that many people cannot get over breakups fast.
That’s exactly what i’m doing Ali. I fantasize every single day that he’ll want me back when I see him again. I just cant let go 🙁
I came upon a picture of him on my computer and saw those dazzling baby blue eyes he has looking back at me.
Crap I thought I was making such progress and I had passed the 60 day(no contact) mark no problem.But seeing his face remembering Mexico well I burst into tears and now know I am not doing that great!
Back to the drawing board I guess–perhaps tomorrow might be a better day for me.
Thanks Eddie though but for this great website I would be more of a mess ya know,
cheers Brenda
ps I hate wearing my heart on my sleeve.
Eddie, thank you so much for this!
I am 1 year, 3 months into getting over my previous relationship (which is still a work in progress) and I honestly thought I was still no where near being over him.
After reading this it has given me a glimmer of a brighter future because of how far I have come. Surprisingly, I am only doing 2 of what you have listed.
I still think of him every day and with sadness but more for myself that I am not the same person I once was. Someday I hope to not miss him, and find happiness once again.
Toby, thank you for your post. It’s great to read a happy ending to a long journey! There’s hope for us all 🙂
Very nice post, I can tell the points 4-5 will stay with me for a while.
Thanks Toby for your awesome answer, it really puts things into perspective by stressing the importance of the process over the final result, and the time to get there. I will meditate on it.
I’d like to quote a sentence which recently became like a mantra for me (although I’m still struggling to really live by it).
“Forgiveness means giving up every hope for a better past” (Lily Tomlin)
Those 5 steps are so true and awesome Eddie.
I got over my ex in January 2013…
It took me 3 and a half years, since summer 2009.
Every time I would move two steps forwards then one step back.
I dated other girls, I travelled, I took up new hobbies.
I had to overcome all those 5 points your highlighted, one by one.
3 years seems like such a long time to get over someone, but the whole process has helped me self-grow immensely. Infact I’d really regret it if these things didn’t happen to me, so I’m very thankful.
Those who want to recover overnight should know actually the whole process can be amazing, except you may not see that at the time! You can learn and progress rather than being stuck in a stalemate, if you’d never met that person.
Your website helped in 2009 and reading it now makes me realise the progress I made. Thanks dude.
I find that repeating to myself the same thing over and over again helps a lot…for example, I would repeat…”he/she is not worth your time to be sad about, my life will move on no matter what and so will his/her life”. Appriciate the good in your relationship and let go of the bad..you will surprising feel somewhat free by doing this. Don’t be bitter for bitterness will only hold you back from things you want to do. There are sooooo many beautiful things and people that life can offer and is waiting for you so why waste your energy on things or people that doesn’t matter. Your love is very precious so why give to those that doesn’t want it in the first place or those that doesn’t deserve it. And remember, stress will only give you wrinkles ;). LET IT GO AND FREE YOURSELF!
Oh, Eddie, I feel like this article had been written expecially for me and the stage I’m in right now. 🙂
Thank you!
It’s a good reminder that it takes as long as it takes and that it’s not the end of the world if I have a set back just keep going and don’t rush things.