We have all been in this situation – you meet someone very special, you fall in love, everything is perfect. Suddenly, it turns out that this very special someone has to go far, far away for college, a better job, an expedition – you name it.
You then have two choices: breaking up, or to go for a long distance relationship.
I have been receiving many e-mails since posting my article about how to make a long distance relationship work. People have been asking me if they should go for a it or not.
They want to know if it will it turn out well, for how long is it ok, and so on.
I try to answer every e-mail as detailed as possible. But in the majority of cases, my response is usually, “Yes, I would always go for it – if you feel it is special, if you have a clear time frame, if you are willing to follow the rules I've stated, and last but not least, if you believe in it.
Many of you have had a failed LDR in your past, so your hopes and expectations regarding those kind of bonds are not high. For this reason, I have decided to list some benefits of a these kind of relationships to make your decision easier, and to give you some hope as well.
You are not alone.
There are hundreds of thousands of working relationships over a long distance around the globe.
I said that I usually always recommend to go for it, however there are a few exceptions.
If the duration of the separation is unusually long, and the chance for monthly meetings is extremely low, it is going to become very hard.
In that case, I recommend to really think it over, especially if you are very young.
I am well aware that it is very difficult to say no to the relationship because of rational reasons, but eventually that would end up being the best decision. Otherwise, it may lead to frustration, anger and pain.
But for now, let's assume that you have no more than one year or so to go, and you know that you can follow the 10 rules.
Here are the top 5 reasons why you should go for a long distance relationship:
1. Better sorry than safe
There is nothing sadder than a missed opportunity.
A very wise man once said to me, “I never regret things I've done, but I regret many things I have not done”.
You never know how things are going to be before you try them. Every single experience, good or bad, enriches your life in some way. They build the foundation for decisions in the future. They make you wiser and build up your self-esteem.
Not to mention that in every missed opportunity, you may have missed the love of your life.
All the good things in life involve a certain risk, but the biggest risk in life is missing out.
Think about that.
2. You gain time for other things
“Finally I can take the Spanish course”.
A LDR isn't as time consuming as a regular relationship. You can use the free time to reach your personal or job related goals.
You have more time for your career, friends, hobbies and family.
3. It's the ultimate test of seriousness
“I really mean it baby”. Now you can prove your commitment.
There is no point enduring such a difficult challange if you don't mean it, and if you are not fully committed.
It just doesn't work. After a few weeks or months, the first man/woman that comes around that you feel an attraction to will make you forget about your relationship..
So, this is a test on whether or not you are committed and suitable for each other for a long term relationship.
Of course, this only applies to couples who were together before they were separated by distance.
If you've met in a chat room, then it's the other way around.
4. You learn to treasure those rare moments together
Fact is, you'll probably see each other only 1-2 times a month, if that much. These rare meetings will be an explosion of passion and love. All of the longing will focus into this short meeting.
It's a good lesson to understand what really matters in a relationship.
5. You really get to know each other
It is much easier, and actually much more natural to get to know somebody through e-mail. All of the outside stuff is left out. It is easier to open up, and you can learn about the inner world of your partner.
No pretending, no beautifying.
This also makes the meetings more intense.
There you have it, some thoughts as to why you should take a chance and go for it.
Please do me two favors.
Tell me your thoughts about this. Have you survived a love over distance? Why would you recommend it? I'm looking forward to your comments.
The other thing is, please participate in the following survey. I'm really interested to see how many of you would go for it again.
(survey closed)
I hope that I gave you some insights which will help you make the decision. Don't take it too easy, a relationship with miles between you is very hard, but it could give you so much in the end.
Ask me about it!
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
Hi everybody,
I have been dating a man for 13 months now, the love of my life, who happens to lives 2000 miles away from me. We are very much in love and have talked about marriage, and moving…one of us anyways. Let me explain my dilema. I am a single mother of 3 teenagers – one, the oldest, my daughter, lives with me, and my 2 boys decided to move back with their dad within the last year. I am barely making it and had to move in with my sister, her husband, and my niece and nephew. I am looking for work and going to school. My daughter will graduate high school in a couple weeks and both my sons will graduate in the next 2 years. My boyfriend has 4 kids and the last 2 just graduated high school and are off to college. He, my boyfriend, has a great job, amazing house and very settled where he lives. He is financially secure, but now, in the fall, faces an somewhat empty house. He is a very honest and sincere person, and truely lives a principled and moral life. He loves me with all his heart, and I have never felt more right about anyone in my life. I live in a very high cost of living state, and he lives in a very affordable state. He believes I should move out to where he is so that he can take care of me and help me financially, so that also I will be able to help my kids out financially. But that would mean leaving my kids. Even though my boys live with their dad, and my daughter will be able to live with my sister as long as she needs to, I dont think that I can leave them just yet. I love my kids more than I can say in words. I would be able to fly out once a month to see them, but I dont feel that would be enough. He feels that if I move to where he is, my kids will eventually follow. Is there a right or wrong answer in this situation as to who should move? I am desperate for advice.
thanks a million for sharing this with us. After I finished through this, I kind of getting a refreshing start on dealing with long distance relationship. I still believe that LOVE can survive the distance. In my country, there is a saying like distance defeats True love. However, to me..everything can defeat playing around relationship no matter how far they are. Now, I’m in this LD relationship..he has his life there and I have my own life here..we are now happy with this. We are now trying to learn from each other day by day and one day when we are ready to be together and share those and surely more happiness, we will. I’m looking forward for the day that we will be cloest for good.
All the best to you all
hello eddie!. i am very happy while reading your articles, i learned a lot about dealing this long distance relationship…im just starting this kind of relationship, i know this is not easy, or shall i say it will be very difficult, knowing the fact that it will took us years to see each other again and be together again…but i think im that very inlove that i have a strong faith that we will be able to make this…thanks for the advice and please dont stop giving it…a lot a girl like me needs it!hehehe…thanks again! and more p[ower…
Hi Eddie,
I have also problem with LDR´s.I am in the Erasmus programme.I met my boyfriend here..we were together one months and everything was so perfect-we were all the time together(it was a little bit like we “lived” together..he was at work..I was at his appartment waiting to he come back and all the evenings and weekends we passed together.I know personally already his all familly and many friends.He said me that if my parents will come to here,they can stay a few days with his parents.He knew that I will have to come back to my country for study(to finish my university is 1 year) and that for summer I have to go to Ibiza(Spain)for 2 months because of work.He said me that he will call me and write emails,but he cannot go to visit me to Ibiza because he is first year in great job and he doesnt have so much holidays now.But it wasnt problem for him before..But now..after one months of happying “life” together he was first weekend without me(because of his work travel) and after he called me that he was thinking again and serious about us to the future..that I dont stay in Erasmus-I go back to my country and very early-for 3 weeks) and for summer that I am on Ibiza so this time we couldnt see each other 3-4 months and after I have 8 months of school to finish my master and it means about 1 year to be in LDR´s-to see..1 times/month..maybe less..and he is afraid about saddness,that he believes me but he cannot be with me often..this he cannot imagine..It was for me really quick..from so happy couple..he made me so sad and upset that from NOW he cannot continuer.We both know that are feeling to each other are really faster and faster growing so its better to finish now then after because it wil be more difficult to separate.He said that if I come back to this country again we can Stay or Live together..but know..I have commitment to my school..its all only a bad situation Now..this time.
About this and us we talked 3 evenings by phone and really long time.I wanted to see him and speak “face to face” but he is really bussy with work so in this time it wasnt possible.Maybe for one week.
It so hurts me..he is the BEST man who I have ever met,I think..its possible..he is the Right..its for me so special..I dont want to lose him.He is for me really important,..I know that if we try the LDR´s it will be really hard,especially in our case..but I red so many articles here
about LRD´s.
I want to say him face to face everything what I wrote here..how is for me important how much I like him so much.How you wrote::”There is nothing sadder than a missed opportunity.In every missed opportunity you may have missed the love of your life.”..Maybe he is love of my life..I know that he is with me also really happy and his feelings to me are bigger and bigger…
What I have to do..or try to do?Its better to write him letter with all my feelings or say him “face to face”..?He doesnt know it..but for me isnt problem after my last year at school I can stay in France..but if we wont be together..I wont have reason to go here again and stay here,..that its possibility never beeing together…And this I cannot imagine..I cannot imagine that he can have another girl..he is so perfcet for me..I know I say it after ”žonly“one month with him..but I feel it..I never never never met better man than him…
Pleas,if you can-reply me as soon as possible
Btw. Thank you for writing your articles, many people helped it..
Hey…I facing similar kind of LDR situation… I really need someone help…I can’t focus on my real life… I read your article about your LDR its sad like mine…I want share my feelings with you…maybe your experience will help me…wating for your reply..thanks Buru
This website is interesting…the thoughts , views and personal experiences are encouraging to read. I have been in LDR for about 4 months now but I’ve known my boyfriend for 3 years. I’m living in Singapore and he’s from Perth. We got acquainted through a mutual friend and kept in touch ever since then.
I’ve met his family and friends on my recent trip to Perth however, I’ve yet to break the news to my family as we are of different religions. And also, I still feel we need more time to get to know each other well.
There are times where we don’t get to speak with each other everyday, we talk and see each other via Skype. On occassions where I don’t talk with him, I get frustrated and lonely. And we have never really discussed about the frequency of contact. We only meet every 3 or 4 months.
People have told me the same thing too that LDR will not work so don’t waste your time on it. But I feel its we who decide what will or will not work, and its not for others to decide.
We both know we want this to work out as we are no longer young, and we want to settle down soon. So I’m praying and hoping that things will work and one day we will be together.
Hi Eddie – your blog has helped me go through a painful breakup around the same time last year. In fact, my ex and I are back together again; however, he is moving to L.A. in May for work and it’s a two-year assignment. I’m still waiting to see whether or not I should go forward with a LDR. He believes that our relationship can work if we BOTH believe in it. I suppose I’m looking for a different answer. Before we decided to be in a relationship again, we dated for about six months to get to know each other again. (A lot of personal growth happened before that!)
We both expressed that we can’t see our lives without each other in it. Why is it that I feel like he is not completely ready for a committed relationship? Could it be that I’m looking for something more absolute, like marriage? And he is not? That’s exactly how I feel – as if it is convenient for him to finally meet new friends (he didn’t have a lot here so he hung out with me a lot) in CA. New home, new life, new friends. I feel insecure about it, to be honest.
Now I’m just in the process of waiting. Waiting to see what I want out of this relationship with him. I don’t know if it is a good idea to even try a LDR with him. And if I do, how long am I willing to wait, but if I don’t I’ll never know what could’ve been.
Hi to all…I like the quote” I never regret things I’ve done, but I regret many things I have not done” …
I am new to this relationship, just away for a couple of weeks with my bf. We started out as friends and exchange emals before and when we met, we decided that we liked each other.
Life has been easy when I was with him, I was just speechless when we were together because I was happy…I thought I can handle it…LDR, oh yeah we are going to send email when he has to go and sail in a ship….
But now I am having this deep anxiety…I realized that we really did not talk too much about ourselves, I realized that the meeting was not enough…and I have put my mind forward to writing emails than talking to him….
Its hard…its not about I don’t trust him…its about the anxiety that I did not do enough to solidify it ( regret the things I did not do)….so I learned my mistake and I hope things will work out well the next time around.
Surely, I would like this to work out…i just hope I am not over reacting and that my anxieties would not ruin our relationship.
Hi Eddie I have a ? I am 17 years old n I been on a LDR 4 1 year n 6 months I see my boyfriend once every 2 or 3 months everything is gud except dat i can get extremely jealous n i can be a huge flirt am worried cuz wat if wat I feel isnt love n wat i push my bf away cuz of my jealousy can u please tell me u think i should 2 do 2 keep dis from breakin. Thanks 4 takin ur time 2 read dis.
I met a very special man on line whom lives in another state. We both put faith first in our lives and stayed emailing for a long tme and few a few directions our life took us. We are now going the next step ready to commit and ready to settle down again. Open communication on all levels is important to both of us – they key.To me life is too short and you never know who is out there that god brings in your path. We both share a passion for life just waiting for that special person. Let our journey begin.
Hi all,
I’m only 19 and i met my girlfriend 4 months before i moved 8 hours away from where she lives. ( i live in north east england she lives in north wales)
we have been together 9 nearly 10 months!
So we have been together for almost 6 months long distance, thats 2 months longer than we were together before, this gives me all the hope I need, its lasted up until this point and I will be reunited in roughly 4-5 months.
We get to see each other every 6 weeks for anywhere from 3 days to 10, depending on if I have a weeks holiday or if its just a long weekend.
This time we spend together only makes me fall in love with her more eveytime, yeh things can get tough usually when we havn’t seen each other for a month but then we know it’s not long until we see each other.
The one thing I will say is that you have to be absolutely crazy about each other before u move away… you both need to really want it to work, if you do i believe there is every chance for it to work out.
We talk on the phone about our future, living together, even marriage haha i know we’re young but you need to plan the future it gives you a lot to look forward to and yeh I realise at the end of it all, we might get home then things could go sour, you never know! its a risk you take in all relationships not only long distance.
The main thing I’d say is you have to trust each other, iv had a few trust issues in the past, but iv got over them and apologised if ever iv been a bit suspicious. You will get doubts, everyone does, its how u deal with them.
I hope in 4 months I can come back up here and post that it has all worked out, i will be a very happy man!
hmmm 🙂 I had doubts with mine… … that’s why I started looking up “long distance relationship” on google … Its good to see that doubts are normal 🙂 but on an average day, I talk to her for couple of hours over phone and sms. Giving a day off to each other never really works 🙂 … but yes sometimes you miss proximity … a lot of spontaneity is taken away, but its replaced with other bits. Go for this if you really think you can marry her or him. For anything less its too painful and won’t help 🙂
@Melissa Roberts –
hye melissa…i’m so encouraged after reading ur comment..i’ve been inti LDR for almost a year now..i’m in Malaysia and my bf in US,,we never physically meet but we really love and trust eachother..we get along very well as we complements each other..but u feel bit doubt bc we dont know how to plan for the future..i mean we hasnt plan when are we going to meet ..i really afraid it would never happened..i wish u could giv me some advise..
I was very sceptic about LDR’s until I was playing on a dating site and I met my now boyfriend. We hit it off immediately. He lives in London and I live in the US. We have been together for almost a year and half and we are still in love with eachother. We actually have not physically met yet but we talk on the phone everyday and always find ways to communicate with one another. We even made our relationship last when when he was drafted to iraq for 8 months. we barely got to talk and after he came back it sparked all over again. He is coming to see me next month and I am very excited. A lot of my family and friends told me that it would never work because of how far apart we are. We have already began to prove them wrong. A few weeks ago he proposed to me over the phone. It was very romantic. I accepted of course. I have never been this happy in my life. He is working on moving down here with me and my kids. We are always talking about what we want to do with our lives and have similar interests. Now dont get me wrong it has been very difficult not being physically together but we have faith in eachother that we can conquer anything obsticales in our path.
Thank you for sharing Melissa, I wish all the best for you both.
@Vix
Thank you Vix, I’m sure your words will be of help to all the readers who are in a LDR right now and trying to make a decision.
Eddie
I have been in a LDR (and my first proper relationship) now for nearly five months, and it started when I was only 16. It isn’t an exteremly long distance – only about 150 miles, but when you’re 17 and 20…you just want to spend all the time you can together! Trust is vital – it may be hard at first, but if you have no hard evidence, don’t think they’re keeping secrets! The benefit of the doubt is highly needed.
A few nights ago, me and boyfriend hit a dilemma. We really wondered if the relationship was worth keeping or not. After tears from both parties and lots of hugs, we realised how lucky we are. We love each other – and that alone can make a LDR work. We don’t get to see each other much. It’s sad, but you’re right – you learn to make the most out of the times you do get together.
Eddie, all your advice has really helped me, and helped me make the relationship even stronger than what it was before. You’re a genius!!
Everyone, LDR’s can work. All you need is love, trust and MSN 😉
I met the girl of my dreams in April and we have been dating since…I live on the east coast and she moved to the west coast to live her dream in August. I told her I loved her on our last night together before she left, she makes me feel like no other girl could ever and I told myself that I would stay devoted to her after she left. She recently came home for a wedding in October in which we saw each other and had a great weekend and I told her I planned on visiting in a couple months. I support her completely in everything she does including her move, her career, etc…..
However we have never had an actual talk on what we “are”. I think she might avoid it or she might think I am avoiding it I dont know, somehow I feel that in the end this will blow up in my face. I love her and care for her very much and would do anything to make it work. Any advice?
@Chris
Sorry for my late answer.
I strongly recommend that you two sit down together and talk about your future.
Everything can be great, happy, so in love, but you will reach a point where you have to take a step forward. Especially in a LDR.
Just be honest about your feelings, don’t pretend, don’t hide anything. You will see that you will feel better after this conversation.
All the best,
Eddie
Dear Eddie
My girlfriend moved across the world for study, she’ll be there for 5 years! We’ve been together for 4 and we’re really in love. I want to study again too but unfortunately money reasons will make it difficult for me to study where she is. I want to be with her but I don’t know if I can move to a different country yet. We can see each other every six months for maybe a month at a time, but at this stage there is no end in sight, only a vague possibility that once I have finished my course (prob 1.5 years) I could move over there.
I don’t know if we will get married, but we’re both definitely in love.
Am I crazy for letting my heart rule my head on this one?
@Elana –
I understand you so much, Elana. I’m in a similar situation. We’ve been in LDR for 4.5 years, and this was the most wonderful and intense experience in my life. You really learn to understand each other, and trust. Our short meetings (we met every 2 months) were really an explosion of love, I think that at these moments we lived our lives to 500%. But we broke up 5 months ago, he did. He said he couldn’t bear it anymore, that the distance was so crippling, sometimes we started to hate each other… It hurts so much, and I know he still loves me, and I still love him. I don’t know if it’s been wise, or it’s been a huge mistake. I’m trying to get over it, but it’s so hard, even now.
Good luck to you, Elana.
@Elana –
Thank you for sharing.
I like this view, people often forget to enjoy the good sides of their relationship because they are afraid what might happen in the future.
Plan ahead, but live in the moment.
All the best and take care Elana.
Thought I’d check back to the site since I got an email saying there was another post.
I just wanted to say that my LDR ended in December, it’s now August and we’ve both moved on to other relationships. As much pain as I went through getting over the fact that we could never really be together, I have nothing but fond memories of the time we had. My relationship with him allowed me to learn things about myself I doubt I would have learned any other way. I know it was the right thing to do (break up), and it know that the experience we had with our relationship allowed us to be open to being with someone else in a much healthier way.
Enjoy the ride – don’t get too caught up in the “what ifs” – let things happen as they are meant to. Time spent with someone with whom you can truly be yourself – even if it’s for a short time in the overall scheme of your life – is worth every minute.
I’m on to the next phase – take care everyone!