We have all been in this situation – you meet someone very special, you fall in love, everything is perfect. Suddenly, it turns out that this very special someone has to go far, far away for college, a better job, an expedition – you name it.
You then have two choices: breaking up, or to go for a long distance relationship.
I have been receiving many e-mails since posting my article about how to make a long distance relationship work. People have been asking me if they should go for a it or not.
They want to know if it will it turn out well, for how long is it ok, and so on.
I try to answer every e-mail as detailed as possible. But in the majority of cases, my response is usually, “Yes, I would always go for it – if you feel it is special, if you have a clear time frame, if you are willing to follow the rules I've stated, and last but not least, if you believe in it.
Many of you have had a failed LDR in your past, so your hopes and expectations regarding those kind of bonds are not high. For this reason, I have decided to list some benefits of a these kind of relationships to make your decision easier, and to give you some hope as well.
You are not alone.
There are hundreds of thousands of working relationships over a long distance around the globe.
I said that I usually always recommend to go for it, however there are a few exceptions.
If the duration of the separation is unusually long, and the chance for monthly meetings is extremely low, it is going to become very hard.
In that case, I recommend to really think it over, especially if you are very young.
I am well aware that it is very difficult to say no to the relationship because of rational reasons, but eventually that would end up being the best decision. Otherwise, it may lead to frustration, anger and pain.
But for now, let's assume that you have no more than one year or so to go, and you know that you can follow the 10 rules.
Here are the top 5 reasons why you should go for a long distance relationship:
1. Better sorry than safe
There is nothing sadder than a missed opportunity.
A very wise man once said to me, “I never regret things I've done, but I regret many things I have not done”.
You never know how things are going to be before you try them. Every single experience, good or bad, enriches your life in some way. They build the foundation for decisions in the future. They make you wiser and build up your self-esteem.
Not to mention that in every missed opportunity, you may have missed the love of your life.
All the good things in life involve a certain risk, but the biggest risk in life is missing out.
Think about that.
2. You gain time for other things
“Finally I can take the Spanish course”.
A LDR isn't as time consuming as a regular relationship. You can use the free time to reach your personal or job related goals.
You have more time for your career, friends, hobbies and family.
3. It's the ultimate test of seriousness
“I really mean it baby”. Now you can prove your commitment.
There is no point enduring such a difficult challange if you don't mean it, and if you are not fully committed.
It just doesn't work. After a few weeks or months, the first man/woman that comes around that you feel an attraction to will make you forget about your relationship..
So, this is a test on whether or not you are committed and suitable for each other for a long term relationship.
Of course, this only applies to couples who were together before they were separated by distance.
If you've met in a chat room, then it's the other way around.
4. You learn to treasure those rare moments together
Fact is, you'll probably see each other only 1-2 times a month, if that much. These rare meetings will be an explosion of passion and love. All of the longing will focus into this short meeting.
It's a good lesson to understand what really matters in a relationship.
5. You really get to know each other
It is much easier, and actually much more natural to get to know somebody through e-mail. All of the outside stuff is left out. It is easier to open up, and you can learn about the inner world of your partner.
No pretending, no beautifying.
This also makes the meetings more intense.
There you have it, some thoughts as to why you should take a chance and go for it.
Please do me two favors.
Tell me your thoughts about this. Have you survived a love over distance? Why would you recommend it? I'm looking forward to your comments.
The other thing is, please participate in the following survey. I'm really interested to see how many of you would go for it again.
(survey closed)
I hope that I gave you some insights which will help you make the decision. Don't take it too easy, a relationship with miles between you is very hard, but it could give you so much in the end.
Ask me about it!
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
This is very helpful…I have not been in a long-d. rel. but I will be soon for the fact that me and my bf r going 2 different schools. I am fairly young, but my mom says possibly we can just 'hang out'(she also said that the difference between dating and hanging out is that dating is more serious and hangin out is like what u do w/ a friend only in this case opposite gender). P.S. Sry I didn't put my real name. .. I m 2 young!
Yeah I was in one for 1 year and then I finally stayed with him and it lasted 2 years together, it was not a bad relationship at all we just realised we wanted different things out of life, and well It was a great learning expeirence for me to get to know myself and what I want…and I would totally do another long distance relationship because I do believe you get to know the person alot lot better 🙂 and they get to know you.
I really doubt this will make sense to you now. But I think you love her a lot more than she does 🙂 . Never trust a girl who suggests an open relationship as an alternative. LDR requires a lot of commitment and trust. She clearly doesn’t see you and her together in the future, it will be hard for her to give you that. You are young, focus on college, work hard and enjoy. I am not saying you should be selfish in a relationship but you need to have a great deal of self worth. Good luck!
Eddie,
I’m a senior in high school this year. I’ve been with my girlfriend for the past 16 months, and we are absolutely crazy about each other. She is a junior, so she’ll be going to the same high school next year while I’ll be going to a college one hour away.
We’ve been talking the future together, and we don’t know what to do. We want to stay together, but she is scared that it will be hard, and not worth it. She doesn’t want to take away from the college experience for me because I’d be coming home to visit her every once in awhile.
She is scared and doesn’t know what to do, and has even started talking about us being in an open relationship or something of the sort… I am starting to get really worried about this. I care about her so much, and I know that I love her and she could possibly be the one.
She is unsure if us staying together is worth it because she plans on going to a college far away from here, so is we stayed together next year, what would we do once she goes to college?
I really need some advice on this topic, I hope you can help me. I don’t want to lose her, or miss out on a chance to be with her in the future. I feel that its worth the risk of being hurt to stay together because who knows what might happen, but she isn’t so sure.
Please help Mr. Eddie…
I find most of the people posting advice here selfish / self centered … how can it be love when you find the part of moving with your partner or ‘transition’ hard. It is always about what you really want and what you put before what … we all have aspirations if its about picking up the next promotion or a slightly better job or going for studies and both of you are ok to live long distance … then whatever you had wasnt good enough to make it work out.
It’s hard for both parties living a long distance relationship. I’m currently very far from the man i love. We used to meet almost everyday. Then he had to move to another country for work. It was so hard at first. I spent my nights crying. Even days also. At anytime i could break up in tears. Then things were a bit better. I cried less. But was still sad. After that semi calm period, came the depression period. It was like the first phase but now i feel really lonely. I miss him so much. Miss being with him everyday. Miss talking to him. Miss his mischiefs. Miss being in his arms. Dunno how i will be able to live without him for 2 years.
Hi Eddie,
My boyfriend and I have been together and going strong now for the past 2 1/2 year. What we have is indefinitely love. I am from MN and moved to San Diego for school and work which is where I met Kyle. We typically spend every day together, he is 24 living at home with his parents while he finishes up school. His family is my family, and vice versa. We really have only had a couple major fights out of the entire 2 1/2 years that we’ve been dating…our most recent has been the worst. He gets overwhelmed with school, and where he’s at in his life as he regrets decisions he’s made in the past…which leads him to a state of confusion to where he sometimes resorts to saying he doesn’t know what he wants…I know he’s in love with me and I with him, and I know he wants to be in a relationship with me it’s just hard to here him say he doesn’t know. I’ve made the decision to move back to MN for a little while to spend time with family as its been hard for me living in CA for the past few years as all I depend on is Kyle which I feel sometimes takes away from him being an individual and spending time with his friends. I am not a controlling person whatsoever I just enjoy my time with him. My move to MN isn’t a permanent living situation I would be more than happy to move back out to CA once he finishes up with school and decides that settling down is what he wants with me…I’m just afraid of the whole distance thing…many make it seem to hard to handle…I know we’ll be able to visit each other every few months as well as holidays…money is not an issue just time off from work. My anxiety and worry is killing me right now…i’m I making the wrong decision to be back home with my family for a while to allow space and room for growth in both our lives…or am I making a huge mistake? Please help! Thank you Eddie!
– Ashley
Dear Ashley,
As always with major decisions, not one can tell if it’s a mistake or not. It is my opinion that there is no such thing as a wrong decision. There’s only experiences.
If you think that your relationship is the real deal, then no “reasonable” LDR could harm you (plan for the future, regular visits, etc.).
Eddie
Okay, I really REALLY need some advice on this. Im still in highschool and my boyfriend is in the marines. We started talking because of my friend Ryan thats in the marines and I couldn’t be any happier that i have the oppritunity to have such an amazing boyfriend like him, but we dont get to see eachother that much, AT ALL. The only time I see him is when i have breaks at school and I travel down there to see him or when he is able to come see me on leave like for Christmas and 4th of July. I know it’s going to get extremely hard and Im completely commited to this relationship and we both want to do anything to make it work! I have about another year before I can go see him more often and I want to know some tips that could make things a little easier till then, atleast to give us some hope. We have made plans that seems to all work good toogether. I really want to go to college in North Carolina where he’s stationed and he wants to sign up for marines again after his 3 years are up. Everything we talk about is about our future and we want our future together. Please give me some advice that can help u survive this and make our hopes and dreams a reality. Thank you.
Dear haley
You two are very brave with your realation ship my boy friend lives half way across the country and we skype and call each other but about a month ago I broke up with him I was getting so depressed that I let him fly like a bird andif he comes back I’ll know he’s the one thank you for your story 😉
I WOULD LIKE SAY THIS IS VERY HELPFUL BECAUSE ME AND MY GIRLFRIEND HAVE BEEN WITH EACH OTHER FOR EIGHT MONTHS DOING EXATLY WHAT YOU SAID BUT THE FUNNY THING ABOUT IT IS THAT I DOING THE MOVIE DATE, AND E-MAILING LONG BEFORE I READ THE ARTICLE, BUT READING IT NOW LETS ME KNOW WE ARE DOIN SOMETHING RIGHT 🙂
Hey,
I broke up with my long distance boyfriend of two years almost 3 weeks ago. He is a Sagittarian, and I am a Cancer. We were dating for a year before he moved. He moved because he offered a much better job opportunity.Although it broke my heart I agreed to let him go out there.
I broke up with him for two reasons. 1. He had so many issues going on in his life, that I didn’t want to be a burden anymore. 2. I felt ignored amongst all of his problems; he was not willing to be affectionate to me anymore.
With our relationship, when things were good, they were amazing. When things were bad, we seemed to fight about everything!
I asked him a week after the break up if we could be friends, as I am obviously still in love with him and I regretted my decision. He said that he would like to be but not now which was understandable.
For a period of time I would hope he would come back to me or at least be friends. On January 1st he contacted me saying that he missed me, and i went ahead thinking that I should pour out my feelings and tell him I still love him and that I regret my decision. He ended up telling me he did not want to get back together, but then he said he didn’t know..then asked what was in it for us. I decided to no longer speak to him.
Three days later, he sent me a text message saying, “I don’t think its right to cut you off the way I wanted to, so we are cool if you want and you can talk to me if you want to.”
My question is, should I attempt to win him back, or should I let him come to me again, or should I simply let it go?
Just see what he wants to do kinda like if your holding a bird and it flys away if he comes back you know he’s the 1if he doesn’t he’s not for you follow my concept 🙂
I am currently am in a long distance relationship… have been it for 11 months..I live Michigan and he lives in Texas we are both in college on are last year of school. We started on Myspace and after about 3 years of chatting . Eventually he asked me for my number. We started talking everyday on the phone for about 6 months.. not entending for thing to get serious.. we started to catch feeling and chose to meet.. Now I am Love with my boyfriend ..( the only problem is I get so nervouse when it comes to talking about one of use moving, because I know how hard the transition will be for either of use,(most likely me), but at the same time because we don’t talk about it I don’t have the security of knowing the next step in our relationship)
I don’t want to lose him I am truely in love with him and could not see myself without him) it just gets really hard sometimes..
need some advice of bringing up the subject of moving??
I was in a long distance relationship and my ex boyfriend couldn’t handle it. He couldn’t change himself to put long distance relationship into his expectations of a relationship. We were only 2 1/2 hrs away, seeing each other every other weekend. We would fight about our relationship or minor problems during the week and those fights or whatever are the ones that bugged him to much. Now he’s trying to figure this all out.
Any advice for him?
Thank you so much for this website, it is comforting to see the views of other people in LDRs. I have only been with my partner or about 6 months. We met whilst he was in Australia on a working holiday visa.
When we started dating, he was seeing someone else and yet did not tell me. It was only after I found out (through ways I am not proud of) that he was “in love” with this other woman and asking her to move to New Zealand with him if that was where work took him. He was saying all this to her, whilst sharing my bed at night. I confronted him. He admitted it. Then he moved in with me and told me he loved me. However, the lies continued and it wasn’t until a couple of months ago that he finally stopped all contact with this other woman. Now he is back in the UK and I am a habitual snooper. I constantly feel the need to check back on him. He has bought me a ticket to move to the UK with him and I am scared. I don’t feel as strongly for him as I did before and the illusion has completely shattered. I tried breaking up with him and told him I wasn’t coming. My mother (who constantly gets involved in my relationships and abuses me when I break up with someone (even if they abused me!), managed to convince me that I should go; that she would pay if it doesn’t work out. So I told him I would come and try. But to be honest, I don’t know if I want to. I don’t want to hurt him (again) but I don’t want to be with him. What do I do?
Me and my bf start as a friend with short distance as students. Became sweet couple with long distance because of the large difference between our careers.
Trust and consistency of communications are important aside from LOVE (obviously it must certainly follows in deep..strong affection you really feel it).
Its really hard especially if TIME is always an issue to be constantly given by solution (effort must be work out by both of you like a real team). Rare intimate moments to be treasure are the best part of having this kind of set-up.
Hi
Wow..First number four hit me. When you do get to see each other you do treasure those moments.
I survived a 9 months long distance relationship which started in 1999. We met through friends and started seeing each other once a month for 9 months before he moved from his hometown to mine. We were married three months later and just celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary.
However, surviving the long distance part was easy. It was the living together day by day with all the responsibilities that entails that made it difficult for him and then due to his drinking, made it impossible for me. We seperated 9 months ago(9 is really not a theme here lol ).
I am now in another long distance relationship and things are going well. We are mature adults and we work hard on treasuring the moments we get together. Modern technology has come a long way and we see each other daily and talk often. I like the daily report blog idea and am going to bring that up to him when I kiss him goodnight tonight. I am glad I stumbled on to your site.
Roze
Eddie-
Thank you infinitely for this article and your other article(s) about LDRs. Obviously, I am in one, otherwise there would be no need for reading them, but I had thought about ending it because the distance was too much for me, but…( after about a day, haha) I realized that if we mutually love one another, it could work. I still had some doubt about it, but after reading your articles and the stories about how people have made their relationships successful even if they are LD, I have renewed faith. I also would like to thank you for your #1 point. It helped reinforce, once again, that I should take this opportunity if we mutually like one another. And we do. We have our plans, and now you’ve given me more faith in LDRs, and I thank you infinitely for that.
Sincerely,
Kristen.
I Have Been In My Relationship For 5 Month Nearly And Im16. People Make It Our Harder Than It Is If You Always Set A Date When You Want To Meet Next It Keeps Your Hopes And Faith Up On A High,My Boyfriend Is Moving Up In May And Were Very Serious About It.Age And Distance Is Nothing Its Feelings And Motovation Thta Fails Relationships You Both Have To Want It More Than Anything In The World Then You Have Yourself The One If You Respect That You Have To Wait Longer To Be With Each Other. They Do Work!
I am still on the fence on whether this long distance relationship is something I want to go for.
I have never been so entwined emotionally with someone as him… He moved to a different school three hours away nearly two years ago but we have still kept in touch. It has almost been as if we were dating… the emotional intimacy. Recently there was a downturn in the unofficial relationship, some shared doubts and confusion on whether this was the right thing to do. But we are both on the same page now and understand the importance of such decision.
We are both very mature for our tender age of 15; our priorities are firmly set. We both believe strongly that physical intimacy should come after marriage, so that isn’t an issue. Further, we understand what is needed for this relationship to work. But we just don’t know if it is too early…
Afterall, the future goal, or “light at the end of the tunnel” is marriage.
T. I would say as he was cryin when he said it he may regret it and apologise and phone you back, thats if its really worth having him back when he clearly isnt as comitted as you.
That feeling inside of him well every1 gets that, there will always be doubt i think for the other person whereas he might think he is more than capable of doing it maybe he has a few trust issues i cant reli say.
if he doesnt want to even try then hes not worth ur time and effort, id say you’d be better off finding someone else!
me and my girlfriend were together 4 months ( so no it shudnt of been serious ) but it really was! Then we moved 8/9 hours away from each other so I used to come home every 6 weeks and get either a long weekend or on holidays a week or two.
there has been some really hard times and ill admit at first I didnt think it would work but I hoped for the best! now 10 months on we’ve been together for 14 months nearly and I’m home for good in 4/5 weeks.!
I would maybe point him in the direction of this page or some other ones, because people said to me beforehand long distance CANNOT work they NEVER do, and it gave me a negative view on it until I came on the internet and pages like this which really do help.
If you both really want it, and think that urselves are capable theres every reason to go for it, try and explain this to him! he may come round.
good luck.
I just got dumped because my boyfriend – well, my ex.. – didn’t believe a LDR could work out. I’m only 18 and we were dating for 9 months and a half, so maybe you don’t consider that to be that serious. But I’m really crushed. Because he basically said I’m not worth the trouble of traveling 3,5 hours by train every two weeks. He said he wants to be able to go out in weekends and see his friends. And when he broke up with me he was crying, he didn’t want to break up. But there’s this feeling inside him that is telling him it would never work out.
He doesn’t know that, why am I being punished for his feeling, his *I think, I suppose*?
It take 2 people to make things work and it does not sound like he is even willing to comprimise. I am in a long distant relationship too. I am in the US and he is in Jamaica. I met while on vacation through mutual friends. It is still fresh brand new so we will see what happens. I do plan to eventually move there, not because of him but that was one of my future goals. I have to be able to find a job down there so I can maintain myself. The good thing about is, just like any other move if you do not like it. You just move back that’s all. Really that simple! Try moving where he is and see what happens.
@ann –
Thanks Anne, I appreciate your advice, but it is not as easy as it sounds to move 2000 miles away when there are kids involved. I spent 2 months living at his place with him and his kids. We all got along great. He is an amazing person, and I fell in love with the area he lives in. He, my boyfriend, is more than willing to come out my way if he can find a job out here comparable to what he is making now. My issue is with my kids. I am more than willing to move to his side of the country but want to stay here with my kids at least until they graduate in 2 years. Is that too much to ask for.