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7 Reasons Why You Should NOT Want Your Ex Back

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The urge to get your ex back is strong.

Very strong. Almost throughout the whole recovery.

I remember back after my own breakup when I felt that getting her back would put everything in order again. Restore my perfect world, heal my terrible pain instantly.

In the first few weeks, I tried really hard to convince her to come back and give us another chance.

Unfortunately this was an illusion.

She wouldn’t give us another try, and today I know that even IF she had back then, it wouldn’t have worked out. Impossible.

Instead, I was forced to go through all the pain and suffering of being without her. But at the end of the road, I found something so profound – something so valuable – that it would affect my entire future life:

Me.

We HAVE to go through the pain, through the whole excruciating healing process, in order to heal, in order to deal with all our buried demons. We have to look into the deep abyss of our personality and find out who we really are.

Only this will make us stronger and open the path to unconditional self-love.

My advice to you is to make yourself go along this painful path, and to NOT try to get your Ex back.

I know how this thought hurts, but it is something you have to face.

To help you with that decision, I wrote a small report some time ago that I want to now share with  you for free.

It’s called:

“7 Reasons Why You Should NOT Want Your Ex Back”

In this report I list the most important reasons why I think that getting your Ex back is bad for you, and also the first 3 steps you should take to start your healing.

You can download it for FREE by filling in your first name and e-mail address below:

Your Firstname

Your E-Mail

Note: if you’ve already subscribed to my newsletter, then you don’t need to do it again. You already have the download link in your e-mail.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

Make your Ex suffer! Click here to watch my FREE presentation:
"How To Make Your Ex Regret They Broke Up With You"

5 Must-See Related Posts:

About The Author:

is a breakup-coach, relationship-advisor and founder of LovesAGame. He suffered from a devastating break up in 1998. Since then, he dedicated his life to helping others getting the best of this existential experience. The overcoming of a break up is an important step to autonomy and independency. Eddie Corbano developed some new coaching programs, which focus on evolving inner strength and the power to set and reach any personal goal. (Article written on February 16th, 2011)
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  • http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

    I hope that you like it and find it helpful.

    Your friend,
    Eddie

  • http://social-masters.com/blog Preston Blain

    I always think that you brake up for a reason. If that reason was strong enough for the 2 of you to part company then there is a good chance if you got back together that it would never work properly.

  • Emerald_Turquoise

    Wow, I just read this report and it really helps a lot. Thanks for putting so much effort into it, Eddie.

  • BedShaped

    What a great read… “The mind Ex-Detox” is what Im working on very hard at the moment. Those steps you wrote will help Im sure. Thank you :)

  • Astra

    Very helpful. Thank you for making this article available to us.

  • Jessy

    Thank you.

  • Jason

    Perfect. Thank you. Reading through (several times) was enough for me to finally take the plunge and go for the NC after nearly three months of “trying to be friends” as she was hoping…after dumping me!!

    I realised that continuing contact was not making me happy, quite the reverse, was prolonging the pain every time, and it never gave me what I wanted (her to say she wanted me back and loved me forever), and her telling me several times about the new guy she was seeing was only making my thoughts more disturbing. Now I wish I had broken all contact right from the off two months ago.

    Anyway this is day 1 NC. I , long may it last Thank you Eddie

  • Cinnadon

    For some reason I find myself dwelling on all the negative aspects of our relationship, and there were tons, which has helped me to not contact him again. But I seem to be torturing myself…remembering all the ways he treated me horribly. Why do I still miss him? I am seeing a therapist to talk this through. I think one of the reasons is my own self-esteem issues. I need to work on finding happiness with myself, and not relying on someone else to be my happiness. I kept our dysfunctional relationship together even though my friends were all telling me to kik him to the curb over the way he was treating me. Looks like i have a lot of soul searching to do….

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_P4JMH5WCLL2KPDR5TEYCV42VVE Darren

    Thanks for this wonderful article EC. I had the privilege of reading this early on and I found it enlightening and sure footed in its content and reasoning.
    Thank you my Friend!

    Fletch

  • Har30

    Dear JJ
    Tears rolled down my eyes as my story is exactly same as urs. My boyfriend too was emotionally gaurded and i just thought that with time it will get better. He WILL open up with me because i loved him soooo much.And he knew that. He has moved on within three months of break up. Yes i sneaked thru a mutual frn in his profile….only to finD that he has moved on completely….leaving me behind….shatterred…. He is seeking approval for his new girlfriend from his close frns. Isn’t that too shallow…?? some times i wonder how did i fell for a guy who never loved me as much as i loved him. This hurts……YES i am crying…..crying again….no matter how much i say that i don’t care if he has a new one….it hurts…yes it does….my love never mattered to him……ALL LIES…ALL LIES…..WILL I EVER BELIEVE IN LOVE AGAIN….?? WILL I EVER…?? two months of NC FROM MY SIDE( he called on my birthday to wish me< i kept the conversation blunt…flat 50 secs thats it…) It has been three and a half months to my breakup…A part of me still cries for him….yes i still miss him…i still cry at times…AND HID MOVING ON HURTS ME LIKE CRAZY…..MY TEARS DON'T STOP.

    I cant find an answers within….may be u guys can help me have an answer for this…..EDDIE…ARE YOU THR…?? did u ever loved anyone THAT passionately ever again……??
    is anyone again in love…true love… its happens or its just a fantasy….just another fairy tale OR dream…??

    • gettingbacktome

      Its tough. I was engaged and broke up with him do to lies and drug abuse. He said he loved me and all this stuff. Come to find out 3 1/2 months later he is seeing someone. The best advice I can give is as much as you love them, let them go. It is truly there loss. Time will heal. It really does take time. My heart still hurts because you think about happy times and plans and future with that person. I realized that other people will treat you better and love you more. Find yourself and get you back at this time. Wish you the best and know the horrible feeling.

  • Jason

    Amy, thank you for your kind words. My NC request was broken almost immediately by my ex who had dumped me almost three months previously. Funnily enough she suddenly found herself missing me and crying (I guess this happened when she realised I had finally decided to move on and would no longer be there for her…..I was all alone for those three months of pain whilst she had her children and a new lover…). Now she says she wants to give it another go…..my head and heart both say “go for it….this is why you have been through three months of torment…this is waht you want….you have been given a second chance”.

    I also feel slightly more in control because I have a choice, whereas before I had none…she just dunped me.

    This is not going to be easy.

  • Anonymous

    Great stuff as always Eddie.. It’s all true. I have tried to get her back. She tried to get back. We tried to be friends. And now it’s the end. It’s been since sept. Of 2010. We are finally on the final NC. The pain is not any less than the beginning. It’s been nothing but a continuos process of pain. I’m a living proof of not what to do. Sept. 2010 to now. End of feb. 2011. So for all of you out there. Please, do not do what I did. But listen to what Eddie and everyone here that has made it thru….. Start the healing process and let go. Just let go.
    Two very powerful words. Let go.

    Rtrc

    • bf4

      I feel like I’ve just hit an enlightenment reading your comments, they are extremely helpful to me, as are a lot of other comments from others on this site. But damn, let go. Sounds so simple. Of course it isn’t. It’s a concerted effort to make that decision and actually follow through on it. I’ve been mulling it over and over and over and I have to agree that is the best option. I’m trying hard to believe what I am always saying in my head.That the relationship will never be the same after going through this sort of trauma anyways, and it might as well be just a tough lesson learned, but a very important one in life. Thank you for your comments. I feel like I am ready to let go. I don’t want to continue to have this anticipation that she may contact me, that she texted me or messaged me online. I don’t want her to be on my mind all the time, I want to live my life again. I don’t want her to have such a hold on me. And I think it’s starting to sink in that the only way to loosen that grip is to let go. Thank you very much

      • Anonymous

        Bf4

        I’m glad that I can help man. It’s a rough road for everyone here. I find it helpful to create your own words, your own way. I never realized I gave all of myself until she left. Then I realized I was in her pocket. So I am climbing out and jumping ship. You will find your way. You just have to want to. And you will. There is no time limit. Do what you think is right. Just try not to lose all your powers to her. You will need it to build yourself again.

  • Anonymous

    I aslo agree with what JJ has just said below. If you had a good relationship and it still ended. Let go and let love back in. Letting go with love could be a very positive healing process. My x taught me so much, and I have grown with her and will continue to grow during this painful process. I will take everything I’ve learned whether it’s positive or negative and continue to be a better person. My x is a wonderful woman and I wish her health, happiness. I wish she will find what she is seeking and missing in her life. It will not be me. I am letting go.

    • Jason

      I know what you mean exactly. I find it very difficult to be angry with my ex as we are supposed to do in the healing process. She is a wonderful girl and I let her down in so many ways. She deserves the best.

  • Jason

    I am in the middle of facing the terrible dilemma of having a second go. She dumped me three months ago, but when I tried to implement NC last Wednesday she came back to me on Friday morning and said that she would like to try again.

    We agreed to sit on it for some days and see what we felt.

    Anyway, I am still feeling around it.

    Not sure if Eddie allows links on this, but if it does not work, then check out James taylor’s song So Far Away and Long Ago on youtube, you want Jame’s original solo version if you can find it.

    Lyrics are:

    Long ago a young man sits and plays his waiting game
    But things are not the same it seems as in such tender dreams
    Slowly passing sailing ships and sunday afternoon
    Like people on the moon I see are things not meant to be

    Where do those golden rainbows end?
    Why is this song so sad?
    Dreaming the dreams I’ve dreamed my friend
    Loving the love I love

    To love is just a word I’ve heard when things are being said
    Stories my poor head has told me cannot stand the cold
    And in between what might have been and what has come to pass
    A misbegotten guess alas and bits of broken glass

    Where do your golden rainbows end?
    Why is this song I sing so sad?
    Dreaming the dreams I dream my friend
    Loving the love I love to love to love to love

    • Jason

      It is now four days since she contacted me and said she wanted to give it another go (she broke up with me three months ago and came to this conclusion within two days of me instituting a NC rule last week). She wrote me a letter saying that it would be hard, there had to be some ground rules, there had to be some changes (which I am implementing anyway for myself) and that she wanted a time limit agreed between us and that I had to realise that I might be heartbroken all over again. She suggested that I think it over for a few days before getting back to her.

      So here I am, thinking hard. She is offering everything that I want, but with conditions. Conditional love. Of course whilst I am thinking it over, she will be also, and if I decide to say yes, then there is every chance that she will say that she has changed her mind and does not want to get back together after all (there is every chance that my setting NC triggered her to suddenly think that she had lost me for ever, regretted that loss and thought she might want me back).

      Very difficult as we all know. Eddie is clear on this, and as I am on his site I have to very carefully consider his opinion. Maybe I will be in that 1% that make it back. Or maybe I will be back here in a month of so, saying, “believe me, I tried it and it did not work. Let it go and move on.”

      • Piteus

        I don’t know if what I’m saying is right … but when someone wants you back, they should do it with no conditions. They have to come back to you convinced that it was a mistake to lose you. And you have to be able to stand on your own 2 feet before you can take your ex back … or you can make the same mistake. Because if it’s not working, you need to be strong enough to break it off with no regrets.

        • Anna K.

          Doesn’t seem right to get back together. And conditions are a deal breaker. How can you trust she won’t break your heart again, if she even announces that that might be happening?! It’s not fair and she should leave you alone really. Turn around and walk away and find someone who won’t be needing any contracts or time limits but trust and commitment.
          And also: she offering you everything that you want, but do you really want to have it with conditions? Like you don’t actually deserve it?? No way!

  • Jojo

    I am not angry with my x either….
    i understand his reasoning and how he came to the conclusion to stop the relationship.
    I know that in the state he is in at the moment he had ( for his idea) no other choice
    But….. I am angry at the fact that he walked out on me without even trying to come to a conclusion together, that he did all the descision making on his own
    And I’m angry at the fact that he gave me now the feeling I was the option in his live and not the priority.
    And these facts give me strength and courage to go on and keep on walking, because for now runnig back is not an option….
    Keep the faith!

  • http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

    Dear friends,

    Can we please keep this thread to the “7 Reasons Why You Should NOT Want Your Ex Back” book only?

    Thanks,
    Eddie

  • bf4

    I feel like I’ve been in your shoes. But the other way around.. I was the guy and I was emotionally guarded. I have no idea why. I really did love her. She ended things because I guess it became too much for her. It seems there are a lot of things I have to work on on my own. It’s tough because she did love me so much, and I was distant. I don’t have any reason for the distance, I really don’t know why. But if I am ever lucky enough to have a girl love me like she once did, I will be sure to not let me shortcomings come between that love again. At least I hope not.

  • Piteus

    When you finally let go (and you will), it is the such the liberating experience. Eddie said it best … you need to KNOW (not think) that you will never be coming back together with your ex, and then the healing process can begin. I know … it’s hard to stomach. But you are strong and you wouldn’t be on this website if you didn’t want to heal, learn, and move on.

    We’ve all been there. The feelings of helplessness is overwhelming at times. But you can do it. Surround yourself with family, friends, activities in times of desperation. Kick your ex off the pedestal. No one is perfect. So many times we believe they are the only ‘ones’ that can make us happy. You know that’s NOT true … no matter how much you’re hurting right now. Take back your life! You can do it.

    Remember we’ve all been there or going through it right now … but we’ll get through it. Just keep positive about yourself!

  • Christine

    Eddie,

    Thanks for the tips. I’ve been 120 days no contact now, after 27 years together. Except for a text message my ‘husband’ sent my daughter a couple of weeks ago, which she surprised me by telling me about (it had upset her), it’s been absolutely zero contact.

    Life’s good. I still have dark days, but they’re fewer and further between, and I find your tip about changing my thoughts to something else really works well.

    Today was one of those dark days, and I stopped off in here to get a little motivation, and first thing I saw was your 7 reasons book.

    Great stuff.

    The question that has bothered me much is whether I would reconcile with my ex (he has absolutely no intention of asking, by the way, as he has moved on and moved thousands of miles away… LOL), and the answer is a resounding NO. That was difficult for me, not least for my own beliefs/religion as a practicing Catholic. Upon reflection I realise that my religion, family and societal background and upbringing were a large part of the reason I spent two years seeking reconciliation.

    Given what happened there’s no way I see the relationship ever working again, not that I have that choice. It’s true what you said; once someone walks out on you something very fundamental changes. I know from the past couple of years that I basically humiliated myself walking on eggshells, essentially no longer being myself, having given all my power away. All because he dangled a “maybe” carrot in front of me.

    The funny thing is, as per the text he sent my daughter, he wants us to be friends, and I simply now want to move on with my life, and don’t see any way we can be friends given the circumstances (basically he lived a double life, the trail is littered with lies and deceit).

    In your opinion does he actually think we could be friends, or is he just trying to ease a guilty conscience/not look like a bad guy? My own opinion is it’s the second option, but would like to hear someone else’s take on it.

    Not that it would make a difference really, because I actually don’t like him anymore (I still have some love left for him), and don’t think I could ever again be comfortable in his company, or even talking on the phone to him.

  • http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

    Check your email.

  • Pam

    Lost, I don’t know if they can say anything to us will take the hurt away, even if it is in a respectful and mature way because the result would still be the same. But know this – the hurt will go away. You will fill the void of not having him in your life with YOU. There is no better friend for you than you yourself so, get to know YOU, get to love and appreciate YOU, make yourself whole for the next person you choose to enter into a relationship with. YOU are worth it.

  • Pam

    I think it’s very normal in the beginning stages of the breakup to not feel attracted to anyone so don’t look too much into that. You must remember that you are in control of your thoughts. You have to try and recondition them. When you start to think of him or remember the good times you had, force yourself to think of something else, or think of incidents you had in your relationship that you didn’t like and how you are better off without that anymore. It takes a bit of work but when you start seeing that you are a lot happier when you do that, it will become a healthy habit. Some days you just are sad though, go with the flow of that day. Cry buckets if need be but know that these days don’t last forever and it’s likely that the next day will be better. Also, visit this site and chat to other people who are going through what you are. It’s very comforting :)

  • Pam

    Sorry about what your previous ex did to you. I think if you haven’t yet, you should go and speak to a counsellor about that experience so that you are don’t take that experience with you into future relationships. It sounds like you are better off without your recent ex. You are worth more than that, you know that. You were bravve enough to to tell him what happened to you, even if it was only recently, even if it didn’t change anything. You can move from the relationship knowing that you did what you could. Unfortunately sometimes we don’t have a choice but to walk away. If you did receive the 7 reasons from Eddie, print them out and when you are feeling down or wishing for him back, take them out and read them. As you can see from this site, and the related one about no contact, there are a lot of people who are going through and feeling how you feel about their breakup. It helps to come here and chat about it with people who are experiencing it too. You will get over this guy and you will move on and be happy again, it take a bit of time so be easy on yourself.

    • lost

      ur absoultely right pam. ive never told anyone abt it but when i told him i felt a bit of relief coz i had bottled up so much of pain deep inside n was refusing to talk abt it. i just wanted to forget the nightmare but truth is zat i need to heal from zat pain first then only i can b in any fulfilling relation. it was badluck our timing was wrong n z relationship with my new ex couldnot grow further n i dnt expect him to understd me coz its too much for him n we knw each other for barely 1 month. he is an amazing guy n i just wish he find z right girl soon. as for me i dnt knw how long it gonna take to heal but i have started it n i read books on how to behave in a relationship n how to maintain it. hope its the right path i took. n yea i just wrote him a final letter where ive thank him for everythng n zat i just need to heal myself first before i will start another relation. i dnt expect him to reply back but i feel at peace with myself atleast i could speak my heart out

  • Pacocita

    Eddy, I don’t know if you read these posts, but does this apply to every relationship?
    I read the “10 secrets about men” and I had been going through a rough time with my school, and so was my Ex. So he was withdrawing a little from me, and as a reaction, I did everything they say NOT TO DO in the book. I am now aware of my mistakes, and I think my Ex will realize as well that our problems were not the end of the world. We had communication problems and… well, that was it. So problems that any couple has. Would it still be wrong to get back together? And that is, if he actually decides to come back.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_27QS65F3PUX6GFRRDWBIN3NQRM Ryan

    hey eddy….Ryan here….well jus like u said it in d article itself that u cud heal all d wounds that r caused by breakups and on how to get over your ex’s…..so with deep gratitude i wud realy be appreaciatd if u cud help me thru dis….ive been in a relationship for atleast 5 months…as in the 1st month we were together with each other…but as soon she had returned back to Canada my relation was not stable as i was carrying on a long distance relationship.Due to a couple of reasons she thought of her ex which caused this relation to be a 1 sided love….its been 3 months since the breakup and i have read a lot of your success stories …it had helped me through a certain extent but as time passed by i was loosing my strength to get over her.My friends had helped me in getting over her and explaining me to move on in life.Due to my breakup my life seemed to be very pale and i am trying it very hard to move on thinking the fact that she did not love me at all.I felt as if i had been used life some cheap thrash.i realy need your help as i don’t knw what to do.
    I hope i could get a reply soon.
    Thanks,
    Ryan.

  • Anonymous

    funny but not only do I have no desire for my ex again (and all the BS), but I have NO desire (zilch!) to get involved again either…..don’t think long term relationships are for me….best to stay single – and sane.

  • Anna K.

    It’s really funny what I’m feeling right now. It’s a sort of gloom of a feeling. It feels like missing someone, but instead of giving into it and weeping away over my ex, I took a deep breath and really tried to feel it.
    And somehow I think that I know now, that it really isn’t my ex I miss. It’s something a lot more fundamental, and I think I’m realizing something today.
    The thing I’m supposed to do with my life. My talent, that I have been holding back so many years.
    And the whole thing with my ex and the fact I got together with him shortly after my father died….. I kept meditating over all those factors….
    And I think that the thing I have to work on the most right now is to finally stop holding back and start fully developing my content as an artist and stop rebelling against my father who always pushed me towards my musical talent…
    I always said that I didn’t want a solo career for all kinds of reasons but truth is I was a) scared and b) lazy.
    And c) I wanted to always say that I wanted something else but that thing that is my very precious treasure and my great talent.
    And when my father died, I didn’t have the one person anymore who pushed me and always was kind of a discipline compass to me.
    I have tried other ways but in the end I know that the only reason I keep sabotaging myself and pretending I didn’t actually really want it is that I always felt the need to not do what my father would have expected me to do.
    I know now that it’s not just my father who expects me to do it.
    It’s me who really wants to but is also scared because my mother wasn’t really so behind me.
    She always thought my father was to strict but I felt that she was week and being unsupportive so there is that ambivalent side to all this…
    And now missing my ex…. is just missing a good way of distraction.
    Maybe a lot more…. but I know that I keep dreaming about just having a boyfriend, not so much my ex anymore…
    But I know that I have to work on my own insecurity before I can find that person. And for that I need to finally pursue what I’m meant to do and get off my lazy comfortable ass!
    And thinking about all this I feel really calm and I just know that I’m dead on! It’s not my ex I miss. It’s a sort of dream I miss. Not him. So now that I keep writing about it, the feeling of missing something turns into knowing what I have to do.
    I hope that I still feel the same tomorrow… and hopefully dream something reassuring tonight….

  • Katie

    Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!! People change. They don’t change back to the person they were. I still love the man he was. Not the man he is now. And that can be a harsh reality. Dreams are extremely difficult to give up. I did the very best I could and that was not enough. “Web of disaster” is a perfect phrase to describe the last years of my life. The sweet man I loved is gone. Now I can have some peace and learn to be myself. It is good to be single. :-)

  • Madison

    the format is different. Is something wrong with my computer ??? Madison

    • http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

      Sorry for the late reply, what do you mean?

  • SA

    Eddie, what I have noticed is that some people have the tendency to bring out the best in you and others bring out the worst.

    My ex brought out the worst in me and from being a happy-go-lucky person I turned into an angry, frustrated, irritated and a needy person.

    When I broke up with him 1st time, I realised how much hold he had on my life and my emotions. He tried hard to get me back and promised to change himself. But after 1 mo. he was turning back into the same old person and I started regretting the decision of going back to him. I realized, I was calmer when we broke the 1st time and was able to think clearly and anlayze the relationship with a clear head.

    Here I am, dumped by him, and me following NC again (21 days). Honestly I felt a sense of releif and surge of happiness when he broke up with me for cheapest reason. He spared 2 hrs for being with me and he expected an expensive gift, as in like a reward for spending time with his gf. Lol!! It was a shock, since he recd a gift from me just a mo. back. And I have been waiting for a small gift for last 10 mo. :)

    • http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

      Yes SA, unfortunately this can happen, it’s called a “Toxic Relationship” where one can become a “different” person.

      But it’s important to remember: only you decide which kind of person you are. If you are angry and frustrated then because it’s you’re choice. If you are happy and fulfilled then because it’s your choice.

      If a partner is hindering you from being who you really are then it’s time to re-evaluate your relationship.

  • Ms. D.

    Oh wow! I found this book today, because my lover broke up with me on that very same day! I was due to fly out of the town on Jul 1st that I hate to live my new life with my love. Now, I have a plane ticket good for a year, because I had to cancel my trip. IN TEARS!  I had to re-change my address. I’m still in the acceptance/shock/ gotta go on with life phase.

    I don’t know you, but the break up monster were at work that day!

  • Affy

    HI AnonDC,
    I would advise no contact and focus on yourself now.  I know it is not easy as I was in the same boat with trying to distract myself by doing new activities, going out with friends when I didn’t feel completely up to it, getting out of my house to just go do anything….  I am in therapy and it really has helped me find myself again rather than analyzing the relationship all of the time.  Hope that helps!
    Affy

  • Anonymous

    I’m confused and heart…. I’ve been dating this guy for a while now and everything seemed to be going okay. and he is older than I am and it seems like what ever i say doens’t reall help matters any. and he makes me feel bad for it and i just don’t really know what to do… a part of me says to break up with him, the other part tells me to stay with him and work it out. i would ask my parents but they wouldn’t know what im going throught and i just wanna do the right thing with out hurting him  or myself in the end….
     
    Could someone give me some advice please? I’m just so confused…