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7 Reasons Why You Should NOT Want Your Ex Back

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The urge to get your ex back is strong.

Very strong. Almost throughout the whole recovery.

I remember back after my own breakup when I felt that getting her back would put everything in order again. Restore my perfect world, heal my terrible pain instantly.

In the first few weeks, I tried really hard to convince her to come back and give us another chance.

Unfortunately this was an illusion.

She wouldn’t give us another try, and today I know that even IF she had back then, it wouldn’t have worked out. Impossible.

Instead, I was forced to go through all the pain and suffering of being without her. But at the end of the road, I found something so profound – something so valuable – that it would affect my entire future life:

Me.

We HAVE to go through the pain, through the whole excruciating healing process, in order to heal, in order to deal with all our buried demons. We have to look into the deep abyss of our personality and find out who we really are.

Only this will make us stronger and open the path to unconditional self-love.

My advice to you is to make yourself go along this painful path, and to NOT try to get your Ex back.

I know how this thought hurts, but it is something you have to face.

To help you with that decision, I wrote a small report some time ago that I want to now share with you for free.

It’s called:

“7 Reasons Why You Should NOT Want Your Ex Back”

In this report I list the most important reasons why I think that getting your Ex back is bad for you, and also the first 3 steps you should take to start your healing.

>>> You Can Download It For FREE By Clicking HERE

Note: if you’ve already subscribed to my newsletter, then you don’t need to do it again. You already have the download link in your e-mail.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

,

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51 Responses to 7 Reasons Why You Should NOT Want Your Ex Back

  1. Eddie Corbano February 16, 2011 at 11:14 am #

    I hope that you like it and find it helpful.

    Your friend,
    Eddie

  2. Preston Blain February 16, 2011 at 2:23 pm #

    I always think that you brake up for a reason. If that reason was strong enough for the 2 of you to part company then there is a good chance if you got back together that it would never work properly.

  3. Emerald_Turquoise February 16, 2011 at 2:27 pm #

    Wow, I just read this report and it really helps a lot. Thanks for putting so much effort into it, Eddie.

  4. BedShaped February 16, 2011 at 3:03 pm #

    What a great read… “The mind Ex-Detox” is what Im working on very hard at the moment. Those steps you wrote will help Im sure. Thank you :)

  5. Astra February 16, 2011 at 8:35 pm #

    Very helpful. Thank you for making this article available to us.

  6. Jessy February 17, 2011 at 5:42 am #

    Thank you.

  7. Jason February 17, 2011 at 3:58 pm #

    Perfect. Thank you. Reading through (several times) was enough for me to finally take the plunge and go for the NC after nearly three months of “trying to be friends” as she was hoping…after dumping me!!

    I realised that continuing contact was not making me happy, quite the reverse, was prolonging the pain every time, and it never gave me what I wanted (her to say she wanted me back and loved me forever), and her telling me several times about the new guy she was seeing was only making my thoughts more disturbing. Now I wish I had broken all contact right from the off two months ago.

    Anyway this is day 1 NC. I , long may it last Thank you Eddie

  8. Cinnadon February 18, 2011 at 4:23 pm #

    For some reason I find myself dwelling on all the negative aspects of our relationship, and there were tons, which has helped me to not contact him again. But I seem to be torturing myself…remembering all the ways he treated me horribly. Why do I still miss him? I am seeing a therapist to talk this through. I think one of the reasons is my own self-esteem issues. I need to work on finding happiness with myself, and not relying on someone else to be my happiness. I kept our dysfunctional relationship together even though my friends were all telling me to kik him to the curb over the way he was treating me. Looks like i have a lot of soul searching to do….

  9. Darren February 19, 2011 at 6:12 pm #

    Thanks for this wonderful article EC. I had the privilege of reading this early on and I found it enlightening and sure footed in its content and reasoning.
    Thank you my Friend!

    Fletch

  10. Har30 February 20, 2011 at 7:49 am #

    Dear JJ
    Tears rolled down my eyes as my story is exactly same as urs. My boyfriend too was emotionally gaurded and i just thought that with time it will get better. He WILL open up with me because i loved him soooo much.And he knew that. He has moved on within three months of break up. Yes i sneaked thru a mutual frn in his profile….only to finD that he has moved on completely….leaving me behind….shatterred…. He is seeking approval for his new girlfriend from his close frns. Isn’t that too shallow…?? some times i wonder how did i fell for a guy who never loved me as much as i loved him. This hurts……YES i am crying…..crying again….no matter how much i say that i don’t care if he has a new one….it hurts…yes it does….my love never mattered to him……ALL LIES…ALL LIES…..WILL I EVER BELIEVE IN LOVE AGAIN….?? WILL I EVER…?? two months of NC FROM MY SIDE( he called on my birthday to wish me< i kept the conversation blunt…flat 50 secs thats it…) It has been three and a half months to my breakup…A part of me still cries for him….yes i still miss him…i still cry at times…AND HID MOVING ON HURTS ME LIKE CRAZY…..MY TEARS DON'T STOP.

    I cant find an answers within….may be u guys can help me have an answer for this…..EDDIE…ARE YOU THR…?? did u ever loved anyone THAT passionately ever again……??
    is anyone again in love…true love… its happens or its just a fantasy….just another fairy tale OR dream…??

    • gettingbacktome April 14, 2011 at 2:59 am #

      Its tough. I was engaged and broke up with him do to lies and drug abuse. He said he loved me and all this stuff. Come to find out 3 1/2 months later he is seeing someone. The best advice I can give is as much as you love them, let them go. It is truly there loss. Time will heal. It really does take time. My heart still hurts because you think about happy times and plans and future with that person. I realized that other people will treat you better and love you more. Find yourself and get you back at this time. Wish you the best and know the horrible feeling.

    • Klasie May 1, 2013 at 8:18 pm #

      It has been 3 months since my break up with the woman of my dreams. There is no way of explaining the upmost passion I feel for her. There is also the knowing that she is and has been with other men.

      Do I still love her? Most definitely.

      Do I want the same fights? O hell no.

      Do I still want her sexually? For damn sure.

      Do I think there is a chance after all my soul searching? If it comes from her side.

      Do I know what I want from her completely that makes me happy? I do.

      Does she want me? No, what reasons I do not know. That is what is killing you, if they have the balls to tell you, listen. Improve yourself and when happy with it. Show it to the world. Who knows what can happen. I don’t. I do know this what I felt with her I have never felt something so powerful in 40 years. I will always love her for sure, that does not mean my life stops I know it. To take the step to grow is the scariest feeling in work, love or life.

      I am a simple person. All I wanted out of life is love. Not money or success. These days that is not enough. Time to up the game like it or not. Life is what we as individuals make of it. Grow with it or get left behind. I got left behind 20 years ago now it is time to catch up and I am scared shitless.

      I hope this helps a bit. I will always love her and her mistakes I can forgive if she admits to them. Can they do the same for you? If not don’t punish yourself like I do.

      Make your life. I am trying to make one for myself slowly but surely.

  11. Jason February 20, 2011 at 11:56 am #

    Amy, thank you for your kind words. My NC request was broken almost immediately by my ex who had dumped me almost three months previously. Funnily enough she suddenly found herself missing me and crying (I guess this happened when she realised I had finally decided to move on and would no longer be there for her…..I was all alone for those three months of pain whilst she had her children and a new lover…). Now she says she wants to give it another go…..my head and heart both say “go for it….this is why you have been through three months of torment…this is waht you want….you have been given a second chance”.

    I also feel slightly more in control because I have a choice, whereas before I had none…she just dunped me.

    This is not going to be easy.

  12. Anonymous February 21, 2011 at 12:09 pm #

    Great stuff as always Eddie.. It’s all true. I have tried to get her back. She tried to get back. We tried to be friends. And now it’s the end. It’s been since sept. Of 2010. We are finally on the final NC. The pain is not any less than the beginning. It’s been nothing but a continuos process of pain. I’m a living proof of not what to do. Sept. 2010 to now. End of feb. 2011. So for all of you out there. Please, do not do what I did. But listen to what Eddie and everyone here that has made it thru….. Start the healing process and let go. Just let go.
    Two very powerful words. Let go.

    Rtrc

    • bf4 February 23, 2011 at 4:41 am #

      I feel like I’ve just hit an enlightenment reading your comments, they are extremely helpful to me, as are a lot of other comments from others on this site. But damn, let go. Sounds so simple. Of course it isn’t. It’s a concerted effort to make that decision and actually follow through on it. I’ve been mulling it over and over and over and I have to agree that is the best option. I’m trying hard to believe what I am always saying in my head.That the relationship will never be the same after going through this sort of trauma anyways, and it might as well be just a tough lesson learned, but a very important one in life. Thank you for your comments. I feel like I am ready to let go. I don’t want to continue to have this anticipation that she may contact me, that she texted me or messaged me online. I don’t want her to be on my mind all the time, I want to live my life again. I don’t want her to have such a hold on me. And I think it’s starting to sink in that the only way to loosen that grip is to let go. Thank you very much

      • Anonymous February 23, 2011 at 5:47 am #

        Bf4

        I’m glad that I can help man. It’s a rough road for everyone here. I find it helpful to create your own words, your own way. I never realized I gave all of myself until she left. Then I realized I was in her pocket. So I am climbing out and jumping ship. You will find your way. You just have to want to. And you will. There is no time limit. Do what you think is right. Just try not to lose all your powers to her. You will need it to build yourself again.

  13. Anonymous February 21, 2011 at 12:23 pm #

    I aslo agree with what JJ has just said below. If you had a good relationship and it still ended. Let go and let love back in. Letting go with love could be a very positive healing process. My x taught me so much, and I have grown with her and will continue to grow during this painful process. I will take everything I’ve learned whether it’s positive or negative and continue to be a better person. My x is a wonderful woman and I wish her health, happiness. I wish she will find what she is seeking and missing in her life. It will not be me. I am letting go.

    • Jason February 21, 2011 at 2:27 pm #

      I know what you mean exactly. I find it very difficult to be angry with my ex as we are supposed to do in the healing process. She is a wonderful girl and I let her down in so many ways. She deserves the best.

  14. Jason February 21, 2011 at 12:53 pm #

    I am in the middle of facing the terrible dilemma of having a second go. She dumped me three months ago, but when I tried to implement NC last Wednesday she came back to me on Friday morning and said that she would like to try again.

    We agreed to sit on it for some days and see what we felt.

    Anyway, I am still feeling around it.

    Not sure if Eddie allows links on this, but if it does not work, then check out James taylor’s song So Far Away and Long Ago on youtube, you want Jame’s original solo version if you can find it.

    Lyrics are:

    Long ago a young man sits and plays his waiting game
    But things are not the same it seems as in such tender dreams
    Slowly passing sailing ships and sunday afternoon
    Like people on the moon I see are things not meant to be

    Where do those golden rainbows end?
    Why is this song so sad?
    Dreaming the dreams I’ve dreamed my friend
    Loving the love I love

    To love is just a word I’ve heard when things are being said
    Stories my poor head has told me cannot stand the cold
    And in between what might have been and what has come to pass
    A misbegotten guess alas and bits of broken glass

    Where do your golden rainbows end?
    Why is this song I sing so sad?
    Dreaming the dreams I dream my friend
    Loving the love I love to love to love to love

    • Jason February 22, 2011 at 11:32 pm #

      It is now four days since she contacted me and said she wanted to give it another go (she broke up with me three months ago and came to this conclusion within two days of me instituting a NC rule last week). She wrote me a letter saying that it would be hard, there had to be some ground rules, there had to be some changes (which I am implementing anyway for myself) and that she wanted a time limit agreed between us and that I had to realise that I might be heartbroken all over again. She suggested that I think it over for a few days before getting back to her.

      So here I am, thinking hard. She is offering everything that I want, but with conditions. Conditional love. Of course whilst I am thinking it over, she will be also, and if I decide to say yes, then there is every chance that she will say that she has changed her mind and does not want to get back together after all (there is every chance that my setting NC triggered her to suddenly think that she had lost me for ever, regretted that loss and thought she might want me back).

      Very difficult as we all know. Eddie is clear on this, and as I am on his site I have to very carefully consider his opinion. Maybe I will be in that 1% that make it back. Or maybe I will be back here in a month of so, saying, “believe me, I tried it and it did not work. Let it go and move on.”

      • Piteus February 23, 2011 at 6:27 pm #

        I don’t know if what I’m saying is right … but when someone wants you back, they should do it with no conditions. They have to come back to you convinced that it was a mistake to lose you. And you have to be able to stand on your own 2 feet before you can take your ex back … or you can make the same mistake. Because if it’s not working, you need to be strong enough to break it off with no regrets.

        • Anna K. February 26, 2011 at 10:12 pm #

          Doesn’t seem right to get back together. And conditions are a deal breaker. How can you trust she won’t break your heart again, if she even announces that that might be happening?! It’s not fair and she should leave you alone really. Turn around and walk away and find someone who won’t be needing any contracts or time limits but trust and commitment.
          And also: she offering you everything that you want, but do you really want to have it with conditions? Like you don’t actually deserve it?? No way!

  15. Jojo February 21, 2011 at 3:49 pm #

    I am not angry with my x either….
    i understand his reasoning and how he came to the conclusion to stop the relationship.
    I know that in the state he is in at the moment he had ( for his idea) no other choice
    But….. I am angry at the fact that he walked out on me without even trying to come to a conclusion together, that he did all the descision making on his own
    And I’m angry at the fact that he gave me now the feeling I was the option in his live and not the priority.
    And these facts give me strength and courage to go on and keep on walking, because for now runnig back is not an option….
    Keep the faith!

  16. Eddie Corbano February 22, 2011 at 8:46 am #

    Dear friends,

    Can we please keep this thread to the “7 Reasons Why You Should NOT Want Your Ex Back” book only?

    Thanks,
    Eddie

  17. bf4 February 23, 2011 at 4:46 am #

    I feel like I’ve been in your shoes. But the other way around.. I was the guy and I was emotionally guarded. I have no idea why. I really did love her. She ended things because I guess it became too much for her. It seems there are a lot of things I have to work on on my own. It’s tough because she did love me so much, and I was distant. I don’t have any reason for the distance, I really don’t know why. But if I am ever lucky enough to have a girl love me like she once did, I will be sure to not let me shortcomings come between that love again. At least I hope not.

  18. Piteus February 23, 2011 at 6:20 pm #

    When you finally let go (and you will), it is the such the liberating experience. Eddie said it best … you need to KNOW (not think) that you will never be coming back together with your ex, and then the healing process can begin. I know … it’s hard to stomach. But you are strong and you wouldn’t be on this website if you didn’t want to heal, learn, and move on.

    We’ve all been there. The feelings of helplessness is overwhelming at times. But you can do it. Surround yourself with family, friends, activities in times of desperation. Kick your ex off the pedestal. No one is perfect. So many times we believe they are the only ‘ones’ that can make us happy. You know that’s NOT true … no matter how much you’re hurting right now. Take back your life! You can do it.

    Remember we’ve all been there or going through it right now … but we’ll get through it. Just keep positive about yourself!

  19. Christine March 4, 2011 at 9:52 pm #

    Eddie,

    Thanks for the tips. I’ve been 120 days no contact now, after 27 years together. Except for a text message my ‘husband’ sent my daughter a couple of weeks ago, which she surprised me by telling me about (it had upset her), it’s been absolutely zero contact.

    Life’s good. I still have dark days, but they’re fewer and further between, and I find your tip about changing my thoughts to something else really works well.

    Today was one of those dark days, and I stopped off in here to get a little motivation, and first thing I saw was your 7 reasons book.

    Great stuff.

    The question that has bothered me much is whether I would reconcile with my ex (he has absolutely no intention of asking, by the way, as he has moved on and moved thousands of miles away… LOL), and the answer is a resounding NO. That was difficult for me, not least for my own beliefs/religion as a practicing Catholic. Upon reflection I realise that my religion, family and societal background and upbringing were a large part of the reason I spent two years seeking reconciliation.

    Given what happened there’s no way I see the relationship ever working again, not that I have that choice. It’s true what you said; once someone walks out on you something very fundamental changes. I know from the past couple of years that I basically humiliated myself walking on eggshells, essentially no longer being myself, having given all my power away. All because he dangled a “maybe” carrot in front of me.

    The funny thing is, as per the text he sent my daughter, he wants us to be friends, and I simply now want to move on with my life, and don’t see any way we can be friends given the circumstances (basically he lived a double life, the trail is littered with lies and deceit).

    In your opinion does he actually think we could be friends, or is he just trying to ease a guilty conscience/not look like a bad guy? My own opinion is it’s the second option, but would like to hear someone else’s take on it.

    Not that it would make a difference really, because I actually don’t like him anymore (I still have some love left for him), and don’t think I could ever again be comfortable in his company, or even talking on the phone to him.

  20. Eddie Corbano March 17, 2011 at 12:09 pm #

    Check your email.

  21. Pam March 17, 2011 at 6:02 pm #

    Lost, I don’t know if they can say anything to us will take the hurt away, even if it is in a respectful and mature way because the result would still be the same. But know this – the hurt will go away. You will fill the void of not having him in your life with YOU. There is no better friend for you than you yourself so, get to know YOU, get to love and appreciate YOU, make yourself whole for the next person you choose to enter into a relationship with. YOU are worth it.

  22. Pam March 18, 2011 at 3:31 pm #

    I think it’s very normal in the beginning stages of the breakup to not feel attracted to anyone so don’t look too much into that. You must remember that you are in control of your thoughts. You have to try and recondition them. When you start to think of him or remember the good times you had, force yourself to think of something else, or think of incidents you had in your relationship that you didn’t like and how you are better off without that anymore. It takes a bit of work but when you start seeing that you are a lot happier when you do that, it will become a healthy habit. Some days you just are sad though, go with the flow of that day. Cry buckets if need be but know that these days don’t last forever and it’s likely that the next day will be better. Also, visit this site and chat to other people who are going through what you are. It’s very comforting :)

  23. Pam March 19, 2011 at 9:08 am #

    Sorry about what your previous ex did to you. I think if you haven’t yet, you should go and speak to a counsellor about that experience so that you are don’t take that experience with you into future relationships. It sounds like you are better off without your recent ex. You are worth more than that, you know that. You were bravve enough to to tell him what happened to you, even if it was only recently, even if it didn’t change anything. You can move from the relationship knowing that you did what you could. Unfortunately sometimes we don’t have a choice but to walk away. If you did receive the 7 reasons from Eddie, print them out and when you are feeling down or wishing for him back, take them out and read them. As you can see from this site, and the related one about no contact, there are a lot of people who are going through and feeling how you feel about their breakup. It helps to come here and chat about it with people who are experiencing it too. You will get over this guy and you will move on and be happy again, it take a bit of time so be easy on yourself.

    • lost March 19, 2011 at 11:28 am #

      ur absoultely right pam. ive never told anyone abt it but when i told him i felt a bit of relief coz i had bottled up so much of pain deep inside n was refusing to talk abt it. i just wanted to forget the nightmare but truth is zat i need to heal from zat pain first then only i can b in any fulfilling relation. it was badluck our timing was wrong n z relationship with my new ex couldnot grow further n i dnt expect him to understd me coz its too much for him n we knw each other for barely 1 month. he is an amazing guy n i just wish he find z right girl soon. as for me i dnt knw how long it gonna take to heal but i have started it n i read books on how to behave in a relationship n how to maintain it. hope its the right path i took. n yea i just wrote him a final letter where ive thank him for everythng n zat i just need to heal myself first before i will start another relation. i dnt expect him to reply back but i feel at peace with myself atleast i could speak my heart out

  24. Pacocita March 19, 2011 at 3:21 pm #

    Eddy, I don’t know if you read these posts, but does this apply to every relationship?
    I read the “10 secrets about men” and I had been going through a rough time with my school, and so was my Ex. So he was withdrawing a little from me, and as a reaction, I did everything they say NOT TO DO in the book. I am now aware of my mistakes, and I think my Ex will realize as well that our problems were not the end of the world. We had communication problems and… well, that was it. So problems that any couple has. Would it still be wrong to get back together? And that is, if he actually decides to come back.

  25. Ryan March 23, 2011 at 2:39 pm #

    hey eddy….Ryan here….well jus like u said it in d article itself that u cud heal all d wounds that r caused by breakups and on how to get over your ex’s…..so with deep gratitude i wud realy be appreaciatd if u cud help me thru dis….ive been in a relationship for atleast 5 months…as in the 1st month we were together with each other…but as soon she had returned back to Canada my relation was not stable as i was carrying on a long distance relationship.Due to a couple of reasons she thought of her ex which caused this relation to be a 1 sided love….its been 3 months since the breakup and i have read a lot of your success stories …it had helped me through a certain extent but as time passed by i was loosing my strength to get over her.My friends had helped me in getting over her and explaining me to move on in life.Due to my breakup my life seemed to be very pale and i am trying it very hard to move on thinking the fact that she did not love me at all.I felt as if i had been used life some cheap thrash.i realy need your help as i don’t knw what to do.
    I hope i could get a reply soon.
    Thanks,
    Ryan.

  26. Anonymous March 30, 2011 at 11:17 pm #

    funny but not only do I have no desire for my ex again (and all the BS), but I have NO desire (zilch!) to get involved again either…..don’t think long term relationships are for me….best to stay single – and sane.

  27. Anna K. April 3, 2011 at 10:27 pm #

    It’s really funny what I’m feeling right now. It’s a sort of gloom of a feeling. It feels like missing someone, but instead of giving into it and weeping away over my ex, I took a deep breath and really tried to feel it.
    And somehow I think that I know now, that it really isn’t my ex I miss. It’s something a lot more fundamental, and I think I’m realizing something today.
    The thing I’m supposed to do with my life. My talent, that I have been holding back so many years.
    And the whole thing with my ex and the fact I got together with him shortly after my father died….. I kept meditating over all those factors….
    And I think that the thing I have to work on the most right now is to finally stop holding back and start fully developing my content as an artist and stop rebelling against my father who always pushed me towards my musical talent…
    I always said that I didn’t want a solo career for all kinds of reasons but truth is I was a) scared and b) lazy.
    And c) I wanted to always say that I wanted something else but that thing that is my very precious treasure and my great talent.
    And when my father died, I didn’t have the one person anymore who pushed me and always was kind of a discipline compass to me.
    I have tried other ways but in the end I know that the only reason I keep sabotaging myself and pretending I didn’t actually really want it is that I always felt the need to not do what my father would have expected me to do.
    I know now that it’s not just my father who expects me to do it.
    It’s me who really wants to but is also scared because my mother wasn’t really so behind me.
    She always thought my father was to strict but I felt that she was week and being unsupportive so there is that ambivalent side to all this…
    And now missing my ex…. is just missing a good way of distraction.
    Maybe a lot more…. but I know that I keep dreaming about just having a boyfriend, not so much my ex anymore…
    But I know that I have to work on my own insecurity before I can find that person. And for that I need to finally pursue what I’m meant to do and get off my lazy comfortable ass!
    And thinking about all this I feel really calm and I just know that I’m dead on! It’s not my ex I miss. It’s a sort of dream I miss. Not him. So now that I keep writing about it, the feeling of missing something turns into knowing what I have to do.
    I hope that I still feel the same tomorrow… and hopefully dream something reassuring tonight….

  28. Katie April 14, 2011 at 6:00 pm #

    Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!! People change. They don’t change back to the person they were. I still love the man he was. Not the man he is now. And that can be a harsh reality. Dreams are extremely difficult to give up. I did the very best I could and that was not enough. “Web of disaster” is a perfect phrase to describe the last years of my life. The sweet man I loved is gone. Now I can have some peace and learn to be myself. It is good to be single. :-)

  29. Madison April 20, 2011 at 3:46 pm #

    the format is different. Is something wrong with my computer ??? Madison

  30. SA May 3, 2011 at 2:38 am #

    Eddie, what I have noticed is that some people have the tendency to bring out the best in you and others bring out the worst.

    My ex brought out the worst in me and from being a happy-go-lucky person I turned into an angry, frustrated, irritated and a needy person.

    When I broke up with him 1st time, I realised how much hold he had on my life and my emotions. He tried hard to get me back and promised to change himself. But after 1 mo. he was turning back into the same old person and I started regretting the decision of going back to him. I realized, I was calmer when we broke the 1st time and was able to think clearly and anlayze the relationship with a clear head.

    Here I am, dumped by him, and me following NC again (21 days). Honestly I felt a sense of releif and surge of happiness when he broke up with me for cheapest reason. He spared 2 hrs for being with me and he expected an expensive gift, as in like a reward for spending time with his gf. Lol!! It was a shock, since he recd a gift from me just a mo. back. And I have been waiting for a small gift for last 10 mo. :)

    • Eddie Corbano May 4, 2011 at 8:03 am #

      Yes SA, unfortunately this can happen, it’s called a “Toxic Relationship” where one can become a “different” person.

      But it’s important to remember: only you decide which kind of person you are. If you are angry and frustrated then because it’s you’re choice. If you are happy and fulfilled then because it’s your choice.

      If a partner is hindering you from being who you really are then it’s time to re-evaluate your relationship.

  31. Ms. D. June 23, 2011 at 6:26 pm #

    Oh wow! I found this book today, because my lover broke up with me on that very same day! I was due to fly out of the town on Jul 1st that I hate to live my new life with my love. Now, I have a plane ticket good for a year, because I had to cancel my trip. IN TEARS!  I had to re-change my address. I’m still in the acceptance/shock/ gotta go on with life phase.

    I don’t know you, but the break up monster were at work that day!

  32. Affy August 19, 2011 at 6:10 pm #

    HI AnonDC,
    I would advise no contact and focus on yourself now.  I know it is not easy as I was in the same boat with trying to distract myself by doing new activities, going out with friends when I didn’t feel completely up to it, getting out of my house to just go do anything….  I am in therapy and it really has helped me find myself again rather than analyzing the relationship all of the time.  Hope that helps!
    Affy

  33. Anonymous December 29, 2011 at 10:46 pm #

    I’m confused and heart…. I’ve been dating this guy for a while now and everything seemed to be going okay. and he is older than I am and it seems like what ever i say doens’t reall help matters any. and he makes me feel bad for it and i just don’t really know what to do… a part of me says to break up with him, the other part tells me to stay with him and work it out. i would ask my parents but they wouldn’t know what im going throught and i just wanna do the right thing with out hurting him  or myself in the end….
     
    Could someone give me some advice please? I’m just so confused…

  34. whatamess1 November 15, 2012 at 4:06 am #

    The fella ia was with we were together for 3yrs, this past April we called it quits. Over a year ago he cheated on us with a woman from the office where he worked. She was in the office and he was a driver. He initally cut it off, and tried to stay friendly to her. SHe in return was still in love with him. Ia found out about while visiting him when he went somewhere and ia found the emails on his computer. Ia asked him when he returned and he didnt say anything then, he eventually admitted to it. He was mad cause ia saw the emails actually it was an honest mistake didnt know was still on his site when he let me use his computer. So it eventually came out he slept with her 3 times. He says she wasnt to blame, that he was. He told her about us but not that we were seeing each other, just that we had known each other for a long time and had gotten intimate.
    He told her he wasnt ready for a relationship, but anytime she saw him she questioned who the woman was (it was me). None the less she was 50ish and he only 38. He would tell her it was only me. Ia questioned him and asked him why he didnt tell her the truth about us. He said it was none of her business or anyone elses of who he was dating. Plus thought he would get fired if if ever came out. She would then start stuff about me and try to say bad things about me, accuse me of doing things to her vehicle and such. It would make me angry because she would call in the middle of the night, or text him and profess her love. He told me not to say anything. He was good to me and tried to keep things light when she would make contact.
    He said Ia would break us up by always questioning about her, and would look at his phone that is what would make him mad. He said he would handle it, it really took a toll on me. He said he didnt care if ia didnt trust him when he said nothing was going on even though she would profess her love for him.. He said it would be my not respecting his things phone, etc. Ia should say NEVER EVER did this to ex husband knew he was doing it and just got to the point where just didnt care anymore. When ia came out of a bad marriage and divorce, he and ia knew each other and once we were both divorced after awhile started dating. So once we broke up he moved back to his home state (initally we were to both move to there). Ia went out there with him also and fell in love with the area. and have since moved 3 hours away from him again. Before we were 4hours until he moved and was 15 hours away. Ia moved here because ia needed a new change and get away from my ex husband and landed a good state job. When ia was out for an interview we reconnected and hung out for part of a day. It eventually turned out real bad back to the same ol arguements. He was very stubborn when ia was trying to be light hearted about things. He said he didnt want to get back with me and wanted to be friends. That is very hard when you still love and care for someone. Ia mean we have known each other for almost 7 now and dated for 3yrs until the spring of this year.
    So ia went home broken hearted again, and eventually wrote him and told him ia cant be friends with him. Ia still care and is not fair to me, to try to hang out and just be a buddy. All was going good for about 3wks. he texted and said he missed hearing from me. Ia told him still cant be friends when ia still have feelings. He wrote back and said “always love each other” ia said that is fine but none the less cant do it. He in return said to “give him a chance”. Ia let him do the texting and finding out what ia am up to. Right now we have different schedules for work. he works 7p-7a and is very busy with things at his moms house or when he sees his dad or grandparents.
    He did say he missed me. Hasnt said it since, and am not pushing the issue is happy to hear from me when ia do text him back. Ia am busy myself not so much on my days off of work well atleast for now am still new to area. He says at the end of his texts big hugs 2 you. In the end ia also after we broke up wrote a text to the “other” woman and told her about us. He has also been through alot with his ex wife, and his kids want nothing to do with him. Just am broken hearted over this whole mess. We really did try, just a shame. Ia know he still cares and his mom says the same when she writes me. Its just a shame………. Just taking my time and getting into my job and my new life.

  35. TL January 11, 2013 at 7:07 am #

    I am just glad I found this sitebecause I am struggling getting over my ex who I really love so deeply and careso much in the world. We broke up 2 months ago. He broke up with me through atext message saying, “Clearly, we are not matched.” I was hurt. Of all the means to break up with someone, it was through a text message. It was
    really very insulting. He didn’t want to see me when I asked him to so we could
    talk. He just said it was better off not getting back together. He gave up just
    like that. I was devastated that I sent him a really hurtful email but God
    knows I didn’t mean any of the things that I wrote there: that I blamed him for
    everything that happened in my life–losing my job, broke the dreams thinking
    we were on the same page together. I realized that he was not sure about me. He
    told me he was torn between his love for me and the question whether we were
    right for each other. I just believed that our misunderstandings were caused by
    our lack of honesty and communication and perhaps the lack of understanding on
    the ways of showing our love for each other. God knows how much I love him. I
    didn’t care about his health problems and in fact I even wanted to be there for
    him when I knew he was suffering emotionally about his health problems. I wanted
    so much to take care of him and accepted his illness.

    I tried the no contact rule but I failed last Christmas when I sent him a season’s greetings via text. Sadly, he did not reply. I really must have hurt him because of the email messages I sent to him blaming him for everything that happened which was so wrong. I really regretted sending that email. But damage has been done. We broke up on the day hurricane Sandy struck NYC where almost everything in the city was shut down–no trains, no bus no way of getting around and I had wanted to much to see him. The most cruel thing was the break up happened on the day of our 1st year anniversary. I couldn’t really put into words exactly what were the reasons behind the break up. I guess there were just too many things that had beenbuilding up and it affected our rel’p. As I mentioned, he was having personal
    and health issues and I was having problems at my job and it really had caused
    me a lot of stress that lead me to depression. Instead of seeking support from
    my bf (not realizing that he was having issues too), I realized that he was not
    being totally honest with me and it really upset me and hurt me. I was talking
    to him on the phone thinking he was in the city but he was all the while in
    another state for a week to attend a personal problem that I thought was a source of his insecurity. I asked him about his purpose there but promised to tell me when
    got back to New York City. We met for dinner and I waited for him to tell me
    what was going on but he just let the evening passed as if he didn’t owe me an
    explanation. I felt unimportant. I became cold and hurt. I couldn’t understand
    why he had to keep things to himself while I was naked honest to him about
    everything in my life. I have also problems expressing my emotion when I am
    upset. I think this is also what I need to fix–to be able to confront people
    when they wrong me. I just usually keep quiet, wait for them to really
    apologize which is stupid because I realized that we couldn’t expect people to
    be mind readers– and I expected from my ex that. I just thought I failed to
    communicate my concerns about the rel’p. He, too, had problems communicating
    his feelings. He was a very quiet, shy and reserved guy and he didn’t like to
    talk about emotions and feelings.

    A few weeks later I lost my job. I couldn’t believe I had let my personal issues interfere my professional life. But honestly I was also suffering at my job– it was serious that I thought I could handle them. At the same time, I felt relieved that I had to stop doing (my job) things I was not happy anymore. On the positive note, my losing the job gave me the opportunity to know myself and give me time to grieve and nurture myself especially after the devastating break up. After 3 weeks from
    break up, I sent my ex telling him that I lost my job and he was very
    concerned. I am a non immigrant and I am holding a work permit restricted only
    to work for my sponsor. I was concerned at first after losing my job because I
    had to leave the country as a law. Because I panicked, I had done the most
    desperate and pathetic move ever that if only I could turn back time, I wouldn’t have done it. I suggested to my ex to marry me to change my status and so I could
    stay in the country and work somewhere else. My ex got so mad at me. He told me
    it was a ‘huge burden to put on someone’s shoulder’ and wished me good luck and I never anything from him anymore. I was heartbroken. I was hoping he’d accept my emergency ‘proposal’. Besides, I honestly wanted to settle down and have a family of my own (and I thought he was the one for me) and not just bec of the ‘status’ issue. That was my dream. I just wanted to be a mom, to have kids, to be his loving wife. But sadly my dreams were shattered.

    I am trying to move forward now. I did not resort to any other desperate move just to gain GC in the country. I will get married for the right reason—the reasons being love and having my own family. So I did my best to fix my immigration issues. My papers have been worked out and found a job that I love doing. I sent another email message (which almost broke the NO CONTACT rule!) to my ex but was hurt when my email bounced back. He deleted his email account, blocked me on FB (even though we were not friends there in the first place). I was so hurt that I felt so miserable the whole day. It is clear to me that he didn’t want to do anything with me
    anymore nor still wanted to keep in touch one day because he deleted his email
    account. It is very hard for me to move on because almost everything in New York
    city reminds me of him—the subway ride, the parks, everything..but I know in
    time I will be able to gain back my old and happy life again. I know I will. I
    have loved him all my life but he was just not meant to be. I deserve someone
    better. We all do.

  36. mandy August 31, 2013 at 10:22 am #

    Hi, I am on day 9 of my break up. In my circumstances I was the one who left the relationship as the chaos he created became hard for me to cope with: The chaos surrounded his inability to cope with unconnected stressors, but unfortunately I was the one at home whom he took his stress out of (not physically though).

    In the 9 days I’ve absorbed advice from all sources, purchased books, hours of ‘youtube’ videos, and all the stuff everyone else has tried. But this report has been the only piece of advice which I feel will help me get through, as it comes across as being realistic. I have felt so deeply in love with my partner and leaving him has been a nightmare for me to do, especially as although he has made it known he is deeply hurt, he has not contested it at all. But realistically I agree with the comments about what love is and I feel I was deeply in love with the idea of being in love. My partner was killing my spirit, I had become a different person which everyone else noticed but me.

    The no contact rule will have to be delayed at present as I have post to collect (I have already removed all my belongings) and we also have a some affairs which we need to finalised, but I am determined that any contact on my behalf will be business like and to a minimum, and I am determined the no contact rule will begin once these small issues have been finalised. Wish me luck x

  37. Torteegirl October 14, 2013 at 2:06 pm #

    I agree with your system. I had multiple break ups my first boyfriend and I wasn’t strong enough to stay away from him. The FINAL breakup finally took after a full no contact was achieved. It took me six months even to let anyone know what even happened. I hit a deep depression. On bad day I knew if I had contact…I might have been weak enough to go back. Full no contact prevented me from making a fool out of myself. We both had to get a handle on our personal ‘crazy’ any we were codependent and making each other sick everyday we were together. It took two years on my own before I tried to date again.

    Unfortunately, again I made a misstep choosing my new partner. The first year was great, however a black cloud was looming over us. At about a year, my partner stopped showing signs that he stopped caring for himself. He refused to work and was becoming self destructive. I realized immediately this time that my attempts to ‘care’ for him were actually enabling him.

    I quietly started to feel that he no longer saw a future with me. I became an xbox widow. He never shared in his side of responsibility or finances. He was forcing me to take on more than was normal or healthy. It became very evident after a few serious conversations that he didn’t see anything wrong in his actions. I left about six months later warning him that I would leave if he didn’t find work. He found a job, so I gave home the benefit of the droubt and returned to him. The job lasted for less than two weeks, and the cycle came back and he was more unstable and self destructive than ever.

    This brings us to last month…I had as much as I could deal with. I couldn’t keep the cycle up anymore. After a confrontation with him I left letting him know exactly what he was doing to my life. A few weeks before the fight a mysterious friend appeared in my exs life. Something about her was ripping into my heart, it just felt really bad. A few days later I called to check on our shared puppy. He very coldly and robotically tells me that we can’t see each other anymore. I asked him to pack my things and leave them in his parents basement until I was calm enough to get my stuff. I hung up the phone and knew instantly that he did something horrible.

    Meanwhile, I deactivated my Facebook because I was really uncomfortable with this new found friend of his. I found myself hating this girl that I barely even knew. A week later, I decided I needed to get my things and move on. I texted him ten minutes before I arrived at his families’ house telling him that I was stopping to get my things. When I arrived he was very grey looking and quiet.

    As I was putting my things in my car, I apologized about being so critical of his female friend and told him that I really hate feeling threatened by other women. He was very shocked l said that. Off handily, I asked him flat out…did I have a good reason to dislike her? He looked very ashamed of him of his self, and admitted that my intuition served me well. WOW! My follow up was quick…so you hooked up with her…. He said yeah…when did it happen…he said the day that he broke up with me. I was floored and ripped to the core. I asked if she was worth it…he with a sad no….she broke it off with him the next day and returned to her ex.

    I had to hold it together while I finished getting my things from the house. I hugged his mother and father goodbye. I truly loved his parents as my own. I also had to leave our puppy behind. It sucks because he hurt so many people on so many levels. I can’t tell his parents what he did to me…he is their son…and it’s too hurtful. I brought my ex partner a puppy while he was going through some medical setbacks and the dog gives him some emotional stability and affection. I know my exs parents will take good care of the puppy. That house and family are all the puppy ever knew, he was established in the household so I would be selfish to move the dog. However, if I hear about any neglect…he is coming to live with me.

    After I walked out of the house I very quietly walked to my car. He asked if he could be my friend or contact me. I let him know he better not even look my direction ever again. How dare he ask for my friendship. He completely violated my trust, and will again if I let him. I told him how cruel it was letting me become attached to his family. I moved my job to be close to him and was very close to becoming a manager…mainly so I could help support our own household together. I took on financial debt for him. But worst of all I was losing his family and our puppy. I let him know that he caused a great deal of pain in my life.

    Frankly, I am mostly over him. It’s the puppy and his family that hurts. If I held the two months contact six months ago…I would have seen his true colors. But I didn’t I jumped back in. I could have looked at him with respect after it was over. Visiting his family or seeing the puppy would have been reasonable. My hasty decision to jump back in allowed him to hurt me, now I can’t take the risk of visiting his family or seeing my puppy ever again. Six months ago the collateral damage would have been minimal, and I could have looked back in fondness even though we didn’t work. Now I lost his family and my puppy. My ex can never have a foothold in my life again.

    He is blocked from my FB. I let a few fried of his know how unstable he is, so they can try to prevent him from destroying anything else in his life. I have built a support network of friends and coworkers to keep me on task and moving on with life. The end fallout was about a week ago. I have cried hysterically, fantasized vengeance, even thought that I will show him. But, thankfully I am working through this breakup and feeling the emotion. I realize what happened and accepted the outcome. Yeah he hurt me but I am not going to self destruct or act crazy. My goal is in a month…I want to get through a day without mentioning him. In six months not think of him on a daily basis. I want to be a better, stronger person at the end of this. I also want to understand why I attract narcissistic men. This is two for two here. It’s not a coincidence, it’s something I need to understand before I date ever again. I don’t want to carry any of this baggage to another relationship, I deserve better. I was hurt but I still have a shred of dignity.

  38. Lee January 28, 2014 at 4:46 pm #

    This website saved my life after a breakup. It took awhile for me to fully apply everything, but I wouldn’t of made it without this information. Thank you!

  39. Kat March 11, 2014 at 7:17 pm #

    This is the hardest breakup ever. I am in my 50′s and it still is not any easier. I was the one who asked my fiance to leave, it was such an unhealthy relationship. It was presenting as so confusing, he would put me on a pedestal and then tear me down. Start insane arguments over the most trivial things. Deny saying things he had just said a few moments ago…it was impossible to discuss issues or make progress with what we needed to plan or do to make things happy, smooth and fun. I just gave up as I was emotionally exhausted.
    But regardless, we lived together and we had so many great things in common and also had travelled and it is hard for me to let go of the memories. I wish it could have worked out a lot better than it did.
    But when i asked him to leave, he did in a flash and never returned to work at repair or restitution. This was my confirmation. He never fought for it, and this was my real concern when we were together, that he was deep down a coward and could not come to the table and do the work required to be a great partnership. He would mask so many of his feelings to pretend to be a “good guy”. Without having to walk the talk. Actions speak louder than words and in the end, when the romantic glow of sex and fun wound down, I was left with a man who could not do the work of an honest relationship. And his pattern in the past was the same as what was happening with me….thus, I drank a few glasses of wine and bit the bullet and let him go. It was the hardest thing I could do, as I was committed and worked so hard to improve and assist in plans for our future together. We had tattoo rings and all the plans for a wedding. I realized after reading all these newletters that he had fallen out of love but did not have the strength to admit it. He is an addict to the begginings of romance, but not the long term work of a relationship. He was throwing huge temper tantrums and storms and fights, no matter how kind and forgiving and understanding I was , I did so many things wrong..from holding hands to not calling enough…I was so confused. But getting free is the best thing I did for myself, and even tho I am the one who put my foot down and asked him to leave, the no contact clause is hard, but I am on 20 days now…and even though he sends little “greeting card” style texts…hope your having a great day…and good luck with your new life….I am holding onto my fingers not to text back and engage in the urge to return and talk over all the crap that got us where we are. I am happy to know I am no alone….older does not make it easier. And I am really getting in touch with being alone, believeing in a peaceful life, as I had always told my ex I wanted. And planning for new changes that are good for me, and not constantly helping my ex., I have taken an course to teach english abroad, with a degree in teaching as well, this may turn into some great future adventures. It hurts so bad some days, I just have to hang on tight and not feel like exploding to the moon. I had so much invested in this relationship…but can see I need to break my addiction and my grasping to a situation that was less than ideal and likely emotionally abusive, as the fits and storms were escalating on his part. It is hard. But alone is better than daily weirdness. I am still working on not blaming myself, and running my mind through woulda coulda shoulda……

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