Break Up and Divorce 7 Reasons Why You Should NOT Want Your Ex Back

7 Reasons Why You Should NOT Want Your Ex Back

The urge to get your ex back is strong.

Very strong. Almost throughout the whole recovery.

I remember back after my own breakup when I felt that getting her back would put everything in order again. Restore my perfect world, heal my terrible pain instantly.

In the first few weeks, I tried really hard to convince her to come back and give us another chance.

Unfortunately this was an illusion.

She wouldn’t give us another try, and today I know that even IF she had back then, it wouldn’t have worked out. Impossible.

Instead, I was forced to go through all the pain and suffering of being without her. But at the end of the road, I found something so profound – something so valuable – that it would affect my entire future life:

Me.

We HAVE to go through the pain, through the whole excruciating healing process, in order to heal, in order to deal with all our buried demons. We have to look into the deep abyss of our personality and find out who we really are.

Still thinking about your Ex? Click here to take the test to learn how long it takes to heal... and how you can speed up the process.

Only this will make us stronger and open the path to unconditional self-love.

My advice to you is to make yourself go along this painful path, and to NOT try to get your Ex back.

I know how this thought hurts, but it is something you have to face.

To help you with that decision, I wrote a small report some time ago that I want to now share with you for free.

It’s called:

“7 Reasons Why You Should NOT Want Your Ex Back”

In this report I list the most important reasons why I think that getting your Ex back is bad for you, and also the first 3 steps you should take to start your healing.

EDIT: The eBook is not available for free any more. You can get it by enrolling in my DETOX Course.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

  • Christine says:

    Eddie,

    Thanks for the tips. I’ve been 120 days no contact now, after 27 years together. Except for a text message my ‘husband’ sent my daughter a couple of weeks ago, which she surprised me by telling me about (it had upset her), it’s been absolutely zero contact.

    Life’s good. I still have dark days, but they’re fewer and further between, and I find your tip about changing my thoughts to something else really works well.

    Today was one of those dark days, and I stopped off in here to get a little motivation, and first thing I saw was your 7 reasons book.

    Great stuff.

    The question that has bothered me much is whether I would reconcile with my ex (he has absolutely no intention of asking, by the way, as he has moved on and moved thousands of miles away… LOL), and the answer is a resounding NO. That was difficult for me, not least for my own beliefs/religion as a practicing Catholic. Upon reflection I realise that my religion, family and societal background and upbringing were a large part of the reason I spent two years seeking reconciliation.

    Given what happened there’s no way I see the relationship ever working again, not that I have that choice. It’s true what you said; once someone walks out on you something very fundamental changes. I know from the past couple of years that I basically humiliated myself walking on eggshells, essentially no longer being myself, having given all my power away. All because he dangled a “maybe” carrot in front of me.

    The funny thing is, as per the text he sent my daughter, he wants us to be friends, and I simply now want to move on with my life, and don’t see any way we can be friends given the circumstances (basically he lived a double life, the trail is littered with lies and deceit).

    In your opinion does he actually think we could be friends, or is he just trying to ease a guilty conscience/not look like a bad guy? My own opinion is it’s the second option, but would like to hear someone else’s take on it.

    Not that it would make a difference really, because I actually don’t like him anymore (I still have some love left for him), and don’t think I could ever again be comfortable in his company, or even talking on the phone to him.

  • When you finally let go (and you will), it is the such the liberating experience. Eddie said it best … you need to KNOW (not think) that you will never be coming back together with your ex, and then the healing process can begin. I know … it’s hard to stomach. But you are strong and you wouldn’t be on this website if you didn’t want to heal, learn, and move on.

    We’ve all been there. The feelings of helplessness is overwhelming at times. But you can do it. Surround yourself with family, friends, activities in times of desperation. Kick your ex off the pedestal. No one is perfect. So many times we believe they are the only ‘ones’ that can make us happy. You know that’s NOT true … no matter how much you’re hurting right now. Take back your life! You can do it.

    Remember we’ve all been there or going through it right now … but we’ll get through it. Just keep positive about yourself!

  • I feel like I’ve been in your shoes. But the other way around.. I was the guy and I was emotionally guarded. I have no idea why. I really did love her. She ended things because I guess it became too much for her. It seems there are a lot of things I have to work on on my own. It’s tough because she did love me so much, and I was distant. I don’t have any reason for the distance, I really don’t know why. But if I am ever lucky enough to have a girl love me like she once did, I will be sure to not let me shortcomings come between that love again. At least I hope not.

  • Dear friends,

    Can we please keep this thread to the “7 Reasons Why You Should NOT Want Your Ex Back” book only?

    Thanks,
    Eddie

  • I am not angry with my x either….
    i understand his reasoning and how he came to the conclusion to stop the relationship.
    I know that in the state he is in at the moment he had ( for his idea) no other choice
    But….. I am angry at the fact that he walked out on me without even trying to come to a conclusion together, that he did all the descision making on his own
    And I’m angry at the fact that he gave me now the feeling I was the option in his live and not the priority.
    And these facts give me strength and courage to go on and keep on walking, because for now runnig back is not an option….
    Keep the faith!

  • I am in the middle of facing the terrible dilemma of having a second go. She dumped me three months ago, but when I tried to implement NC last Wednesday she came back to me on Friday morning and said that she would like to try again.

    We agreed to sit on it for some days and see what we felt.

    Anyway, I am still feeling around it.

    Not sure if Eddie allows links on this, but if it does not work, then check out James taylor’s song So Far Away and Long Ago on youtube, you want Jame’s original solo version if you can find it.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LuvO2Vw-M2Y

    Lyrics are:

    Long ago a young man sits and plays his waiting game
    But things are not the same it seems as in such tender dreams
    Slowly passing sailing ships and sunday afternoon
    Like people on the moon I see are things not meant to be

    Where do those golden rainbows end?
    Why is this song so sad?
    Dreaming the dreams I’ve dreamed my friend
    Loving the love I love

    To love is just a word I’ve heard when things are being said
    Stories my poor head has told me cannot stand the cold
    And in between what might have been and what has come to pass
    A misbegotten guess alas and bits of broken glass

    Where do your golden rainbows end?
    Why is this song I sing so sad?
    Dreaming the dreams I dream my friend
    Loving the love I love to love to love to love

    • It is now four days since she contacted me and said she wanted to give it another go (she broke up with me three months ago and came to this conclusion within two days of me instituting a NC rule last week). She wrote me a letter saying that it would be hard, there had to be some ground rules, there had to be some changes (which I am implementing anyway for myself) and that she wanted a time limit agreed between us and that I had to realise that I might be heartbroken all over again. She suggested that I think it over for a few days before getting back to her.

      So here I am, thinking hard. She is offering everything that I want, but with conditions. Conditional love. Of course whilst I am thinking it over, she will be also, and if I decide to say yes, then there is every chance that she will say that she has changed her mind and does not want to get back together after all (there is every chance that my setting NC triggered her to suddenly think that she had lost me for ever, regretted that loss and thought she might want me back).

      Very difficult as we all know. Eddie is clear on this, and as I am on his site I have to very carefully consider his opinion. Maybe I will be in that 1% that make it back. Or maybe I will be back here in a month of so, saying, “believe me, I tried it and it did not work. Let it go and move on.”

      • I don’t know if what I’m saying is right … but when someone wants you back, they should do it with no conditions. They have to come back to you convinced that it was a mistake to lose you. And you have to be able to stand on your own 2 feet before you can take your ex back … or you can make the same mistake. Because if it’s not working, you need to be strong enough to break it off with no regrets.

        • Doesn’t seem right to get back together. And conditions are a deal breaker. How can you trust she won’t break your heart again, if she even announces that that might be happening?! It’s not fair and she should leave you alone really. Turn around and walk away and find someone who won’t be needing any contracts or time limits but trust and commitment.
          And also: she offering you everything that you want, but do you really want to have it with conditions? Like you don’t actually deserve it?? No way!

  • Anonymous says:

    I aslo agree with what JJ has just said below. If you had a good relationship and it still ended. Let go and let love back in. Letting go with love could be a very positive healing process. My x taught me so much, and I have grown with her and will continue to grow during this painful process. I will take everything I’ve learned whether it’s positive or negative and continue to be a better person. My x is a wonderful woman and I wish her health, happiness. I wish she will find what she is seeking and missing in her life. It will not be me. I am letting go.

    • I know what you mean exactly. I find it very difficult to be angry with my ex as we are supposed to do in the healing process. She is a wonderful girl and I let her down in so many ways. She deserves the best.

  • Anonymous says:

    Great stuff as always Eddie.. It’s all true. I have tried to get her back. She tried to get back. We tried to be friends. And now it’s the end. It’s been since sept. Of 2010. We are finally on the final NC. The pain is not any less than the beginning. It’s been nothing but a continuos process of pain. I’m a living proof of not what to do. Sept. 2010 to now. End of feb. 2011. So for all of you out there. Please, do not do what I did. But listen to what Eddie and everyone here that has made it thru….. Start the healing process and let go. Just let go.
    Two very powerful words. Let go.

    Rtrc

    • I feel like I’ve just hit an enlightenment reading your comments, they are extremely helpful to me, as are a lot of other comments from others on this site. But damn, let go. Sounds so simple. Of course it isn’t. It’s a concerted effort to make that decision and actually follow through on it. I’ve been mulling it over and over and over and I have to agree that is the best option. I’m trying hard to believe what I am always saying in my head.That the relationship will never be the same after going through this sort of trauma anyways, and it might as well be just a tough lesson learned, but a very important one in life. Thank you for your comments. I feel like I am ready to let go. I don’t want to continue to have this anticipation that she may contact me, that she texted me or messaged me online. I don’t want her to be on my mind all the time, I want to live my life again. I don’t want her to have such a hold on me. And I think it’s starting to sink in that the only way to loosen that grip is to let go. Thank you very much

      • Anonymous says:

        Bf4

        I’m glad that I can help man. It’s a rough road for everyone here. I find it helpful to create your own words, your own way. I never realized I gave all of myself until she left. Then I realized I was in her pocket. So I am climbing out and jumping ship. You will find your way. You just have to want to. And you will. There is no time limit. Do what you think is right. Just try not to lose all your powers to her. You will need it to build yourself again.

  • Amy, thank you for your kind words. My NC request was broken almost immediately by my ex who had dumped me almost three months previously. Funnily enough she suddenly found herself missing me and crying (I guess this happened when she realised I had finally decided to move on and would no longer be there for her…..I was all alone for those three months of pain whilst she had her children and a new lover…). Now she says she wants to give it another go…..my head and heart both say “go for it….this is why you have been through three months of torment…this is waht you want….you have been given a second chance”.

    I also feel slightly more in control because I have a choice, whereas before I had none…she just dunped me.

    This is not going to be easy.

  • Dear JJ
    Tears rolled down my eyes as my story is exactly same as urs. My boyfriend too was emotionally gaurded and i just thought that with time it will get better. He WILL open up with me because i loved him soooo much.And he knew that. He has moved on within three months of break up. Yes i sneaked thru a mutual frn in his profile….only to finD that he has moved on completely….leaving me behind….shatterred…. He is seeking approval for his new girlfriend from his close frns. Isn’t that too shallow…?? some times i wonder how did i fell for a guy who never loved me as much as i loved him. This hurts……YES i am crying…..crying again….no matter how much i say that i don’t care if he has a new one….it hurts…yes it does….my love never mattered to him……ALL LIES…ALL LIES…..WILL I EVER BELIEVE IN LOVE AGAIN….?? WILL I EVER…?? two months of NC FROM MY SIDE( he called on my birthday to wish me< i kept the conversation blunt…flat 50 secs thats it…) It has been three and a half months to my breakup…A part of me still cries for him….yes i still miss him…i still cry at times…AND HID MOVING ON HURTS ME LIKE CRAZY…..MY TEARS DON'T STOP.

    I cant find an answers within….may be u guys can help me have an answer for this…..EDDIE…ARE YOU THR…?? did u ever loved anyone THAT passionately ever again……??
    is anyone again in love…true love… its happens or its just a fantasy….just another fairy tale OR dream…??

    • gettingbacktome says:

      Its tough. I was engaged and broke up with him do to lies and drug abuse. He said he loved me and all this stuff. Come to find out 3 1/2 months later he is seeing someone. The best advice I can give is as much as you love them, let them go. It is truly there loss. Time will heal. It really does take time. My heart still hurts because you think about happy times and plans and future with that person. I realized that other people will treat you better and love you more. Find yourself and get you back at this time. Wish you the best and know the horrible feeling.

    • It has been 3 months since my break up with the woman of my dreams. There is no way of explaining the upmost passion I feel for her. There is also the knowing that she is and has been with other men.

      Do I still love her? Most definitely.

      Do I want the same fights? O hell no.

      Do I still want her sexually? For damn sure.

      Do I think there is a chance after all my soul searching? If it comes from her side.

      Do I know what I want from her completely that makes me happy? I do.

      Does she want me? No, what reasons I do not know. That is what is killing you, if they have the balls to tell you, listen. Improve yourself and when happy with it. Show it to the world. Who knows what can happen. I don’t. I do know this what I felt with her I have never felt something so powerful in 40 years. I will always love her for sure, that does not mean my life stops I know it. To take the step to grow is the scariest feeling in work, love or life.

      I am a simple person. All I wanted out of life is love. Not money or success. These days that is not enough. Time to up the game like it or not. Life is what we as individuals make of it. Grow with it or get left behind. I got left behind 20 years ago now it is time to catch up and I am scared shitless.

      I hope this helps a bit. I will always love her and her mistakes I can forgive if she admits to them. Can they do the same for you? If not don’t punish yourself like I do.

      Make your life. I am trying to make one for myself slowly but surely.

  • Thanks for this wonderful article EC. I had the privilege of reading this early on and I found it enlightening and sure footed in its content and reasoning.
    Thank you my Friend!

    Fletch

  • For some reason I find myself dwelling on all the negative aspects of our relationship, and there were tons, which has helped me to not contact him again. But I seem to be torturing myself…remembering all the ways he treated me horribly. Why do I still miss him? I am seeing a therapist to talk this through. I think one of the reasons is my own self-esteem issues. I need to work on finding happiness with myself, and not relying on someone else to be my happiness. I kept our dysfunctional relationship together even though my friends were all telling me to kik him to the curb over the way he was treating me. Looks like i have a lot of soul searching to do….

  • Perfect. Thank you. Reading through (several times) was enough for me to finally take the plunge and go for the NC after nearly three months of “trying to be friends” as she was hoping…after dumping me!!

    I realised that continuing contact was not making me happy, quite the reverse, was prolonging the pain every time, and it never gave me what I wanted (her to say she wanted me back and loved me forever), and her telling me several times about the new guy she was seeing was only making my thoughts more disturbing. Now I wish I had broken all contact right from the off two months ago.

    Anyway this is day 1 NC. I , long may it last Thank you Eddie

  • Very helpful. Thank you for making this article available to us.

  • BedShaped says:

    What a great read… “The mind Ex-Detox” is what Im working on very hard at the moment. Those steps you wrote will help Im sure. Thank you 🙂

  • Emerald_Turquoise says:

    Wow, I just read this report and it really helps a lot. Thanks for putting so much effort into it, Eddie.

  • Preston Blain says:

    I always think that you brake up for a reason. If that reason was strong enough for the 2 of you to part company then there is a good chance if you got back together that it would never work properly.

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