In a marathon you take your time. You each have your own separate interests, friends, etc. Oh yes, you share many as well – but not all. That way.. when you come back together your relationship will be more hot and firey! You will have things to talk about and share! To me this is balance and helps with the TELL TOO MUCH TOO SOON problem. And honestly, something may not be wise to share, too quickly or ever! No one person care bear the burdens of another so also consider spreading that around a bit so you don’t wear your love interest or your friends out! Again.. balance is key and that is easy not to have when you are stressing about something major, or as you were, going through some tough stuff that would not last forever.

Lastly, guys especially too often are looking for Miss Perfect. Not always of course, but it seems more women than men tend to understand people better. I think that is true of you here Mariposa. Often women better seem to understand their men are not perfect nor will ever be. Men can’t seem to understand that about their women! If you read any of those Yahoo relationship articles they post from time to time you will read that a man would rather dump a woman (and fast!) then to be with ‘the wrong woman’! And in this day and age of hyperscared men and sometimes over sharing and overbearing women, men freak. Really they do. They WANT a nice girl that won’t give them grief and they, as you say, are overlooking reality that problems (for women) will pass. I could go on but will stop there.

And to go along with this modern men don’t deal with stuff. Or at least many (most?) do not. We tend to try to gloss over or avoid problems but that never really works so we do the freak out again a few weeks or months down the road in our relationships. If we had a past bad breakup (such as you read about here on Eddie’s pages) we bury that in our heads. Then, since we did not deal with it, when you act even a little like our ‘psycho-ex’ we want to bug out on you and run away! It is not right at all. Woment can have bad breaks up and things in their pasts too; but they deal with them – talk to friends or family, admit faults, seek counseling, etc. and usually take their time (vs. rebounding) so they are fairly healthy and healed and ready for the next guy.

Mariposa is right; being fearful in love is not good. But unless both parties are dealing properly with life, past and present – this will continue and cause more heartache. We all want a trusted, loving relationship; a safe place to land at the end of a hard week. But this is more intentional than we want to admit. Sure.. I want innocence and naivetity as well; but I think that only comes when I can look you in the eye and say: Hey, I am only human and I have my hurts too, let’s talk about them when the time is right for you and let’s also not talk about them all the time. I love you and want to know you and you me. And I want to share the fun and silly stuff and the magic as well. I want the whole package my dear and am not in a rush to demand it all today.

Life is about living and loving and hurting and healing together. I have an ex too and I am a man who is currently alone partly b/c of the fears addressed here today. But I am reading and dealing and talking to others so that maybe one day; I will be ready to have someone special again.

I hope you are doing better. I just discovered this site. I, myself, have just started started phase one of the healing process. It has helped me immensely so far just by reading all the articles and experiences shared by other members. Thank you.

I know better days will lay ahead, but break ups never seem to get any easier, do they? For some reason, I get the sense that many of us here are male. Heart break is heart break, regardless of gender, however, I find that the longer the relationship lasted, the more difficult it is for the men when it finally comes to an abrupt end. For me, like trading stocks, or any investment, it takes a while to build confidence in the risk, but after a time, I inevitably become blind to the risks because of the emotional investments tied to it. My two cents.

i called her… just to talk at first, but i started crying right off the bat. i said i thought i was ready to talk and didn’t expect to cry, but obviously was still upset. she said she could let me go. obviously still didn’t want to hear it a month later. after a bit of a struggle and insisting she give me space to speak and she hear me out, i basically just let out all of the hurt i was feeling about the break up. she had never given me the opportunity to talk about my feelings, and our other two conversations i acted falsely calm and surprised when she shut down my response.

well, this time i didn’t. she said some things such as “well i’m over the break up, sometimes it takes some people longer. i know it hurts. ive been there”. oh well, not like i needed to hear that from her!. she said she’d like to stay friends and catch up, but not if we had to talk about the break up. i said that i don’t feel closure and don’t feel ready for that.

i was crying the WHOLE time. she said she’d call me after some time/space and i told her that i was tired of her making all of the decisions. please don’t call me, ill call you in a few months when i am ready, i said. then i told her i would be deleting her on facebook for now. she said, okay, if that’s what i want. so i did it. pure panic took me over because it’s the ONLY way i have to see if she’d okay, but i think this one thing is keeping me holding on more than i should. and i don’t need to see her flirtation.

anyhow, i am in the pits today. haven’t gotten out of bed. i wonder if i did the right thing. i know everything on this site says not to say how you feel about your ex TO your ex, but without an in person break up, and two months passing, i was having trouble still. it definitely slowed down my healing process for now, but i’m wondering if it was the final move i needed to make to get her out of my life and move on.

it’s reassuring to hear that others have been through this and that it took you a long time to get over yours. i often feel like a fool because i know she’s over it and perhaps dating (?), and i’ve gotten over other relationships so much quicker (i got out of an 8 year relationship 2 years ago and was over that in a jiffy!), but something about the manipulation and lack of fair closure in this one keeps me ruminating and feeling like it’s my fault. i know, when it comes down to it, i need to heal on my own terms because it’s all about me now… but that’s hard to take and not be hard on myself. i’ve even started anti-depressants, which i know isn’t always recommended… but i can’t go on like this!

anyways, yes you are right, she was diagnosed as bi polar, but this happened when she was in drug rehab. still, she wasn’t seeking counseling when we were dating and had weened herself off of her medication a year before we met, without the help of a doctor. funny, another person i dated was bipolar (my 8 year relationship), so i am beginning to think that my filters for irregular behavior really aren’t as sharp as they should be. it’s really hard to re-train you mind, though. i wonder if this hot/cold behavior is part of being bipolar?

again, thanks for taking the time to read and write… still healing, but it’s definitely helpful.