i called her… just to talk at first, but i started crying right off the bat. i said i thought i was ready to talk and didn’t expect to cry, but obviously was still upset. she said she could let me go. obviously still didn’t want to hear it a month later. after a bit of a struggle and insisting she give me space to speak and she hear me out, i basically just let out all of the hurt i was feeling about the break up. she had never given me the opportunity to talk about my feelings, and our other two conversations i acted falsely calm and surprised when she shut down my response.

well, this time i didn’t. she said some things such as “well i’m over the break up, sometimes it takes some people longer. i know it hurts. ive been there”. oh well, not like i needed to hear that from her!. she said she’d like to stay friends and catch up, but not if we had to talk about the break up. i said that i don’t feel closure and don’t feel ready for that.

i was crying the WHOLE time. she said she’d call me after some time/space and i told her that i was tired of her making all of the decisions. please don’t call me, ill call you in a few months when i am ready, i said. then i told her i would be deleting her on facebook for now. she said, okay, if that’s what i want. so i did it. pure panic took me over because it’s the ONLY way i have to see if she’d okay, but i think this one thing is keeping me holding on more than i should. and i don’t need to see her flirtation.

anyhow, i am in the pits today. haven’t gotten out of bed. i wonder if i did the right thing. i know everything on this site says not to say how you feel about your ex TO your ex, but without an in person break up, and two months passing, i was having trouble still. it definitely slowed down my healing process for now, but i’m wondering if it was the final move i needed to make to get her out of my life and move on.

it’s reassuring to hear that others have been through this and that it took you a long time to get over yours. i often feel like a fool because i know she’s over it and perhaps dating (?), and i’ve gotten over other relationships so much quicker (i got out of an 8 year relationship 2 years ago and was over that in a jiffy!), but something about the manipulation and lack of fair closure in this one keeps me ruminating and feeling like it’s my fault. i know, when it comes down to it, i need to heal on my own terms because it’s all about me now… but that’s hard to take and not be hard on myself. i’ve even started anti-depressants, which i know isn’t always recommended… but i can’t go on like this!

anyways, yes you are right, she was diagnosed as bi polar, but this happened when she was in drug rehab. still, she wasn’t seeking counseling when we were dating and had weened herself off of her medication a year before we met, without the help of a doctor. funny, another person i dated was bipolar (my 8 year relationship), so i am beginning to think that my filters for irregular behavior really aren’t as sharp as they should be. it’s really hard to re-train you mind, though. i wonder if this hot/cold behavior is part of being bipolar?

again, thanks for taking the time to read and write… still healing, but it’s definitely helpful.

I’ve been going through a rough time and can’t seem to get back on track. My girlfriend and i were together for a little over 6 months, starting last February. in the beginning of the relationship, she was super intense. she told me she loved me a month after dating and said she wanted to move in together, to wake up together every day. we had similar goals, which was a first for me. we both want to settle and want kids. i’m normally very cautious in relationships though. she pressured me to move away with her in august when her lease was going to be up. we were in love, but this all seemed to come fast. i told her let’s see how things go. i was graduating from grad school in may and ready to relocate, myself.

the summer went by and our relationship was loving as ever. but in june, she started feeling guilty because her mom was drinking a lot and depressed back home, 2000 miles away. she became depressed and worried, feeling like she should go live at home and help her mom. she’s 31, by the way… i never took this too seriously– it seemed like an extreme measure. a little background on my girlfiend–she is three years sober after a 14 year problem with drinking and cocaine. i was worried about her putting herself in this situation with her mom!

in july we drove out in my car to visit her family and go to her friends wedding. her family situation was indeed disfunctional. it didn’t seem like she could help. but, two days after we got back home from our long trip, she announced to me that she’d put in for a transfer with her job and would be moving home to take care of her mother. she would not say what she wanted with the relationship. she didn’t want to break up and would “always love me” but basically would not have the conversation about our next steps.

my lease ran out and i had to stay with family. my girlfriend invited me to live with her for her last month in town, but i was hesitant. what would that be like, living with her and then having her leave? it didn’t seem to phase her at all! instead of fully moving in, i ended up crashing with her 4 days a week, then with my mother the other three.

all month i struggled to have a conversation with her about our future. when things were fine, they were great, but when i brought up talking about our relationship, she would get volatile. she’d raise her voice, grow angry, shut down. it was a side of her i’d never seen. she called me on one of our off days and threatened to not see me anymore if i brought up the relationship the following weekend, but we still had not reached any sort of decision. two weeks later, i was house sitting for a friend, tried to have a talk with her, and she walked out on me and i didn’t hear from her for two days! she said she couldn’t handle the stress of talking about our relationship.

we explored ideas of breaking up, me moving with her (she said she didn’t want me to because she wanted time to focus on her mother and didn’t want to take out the stress on me). i finally decided to move cross country to california because i wasn’t getting anywhere with her. she wanted to move there too and said she might after a few months. we decided to keep in touch and see each other in october, when hopefully she’d know better what her plan was. but, she never got the time off from work or got her plane ticket. she made excuses because it was a new office and she didn’t want to step on toes…

i helped her move and saw her off on her last day. i took a plane to CA a few days later, to try to find work and a home. i got a few calls from my girlfriend in the first few days saying that she loved me and missed me. we planned to talk on web cam once she was set up at her mom’s and she was still planning to get her plane ticket.

unfortunately, i totally broke down after my third day in CA. i was in a new place, hardly knew anyone, and the economy was bad. i felt like i’d made the wrong decision. i felt more depressed and panicked than i had in ages. i called friends for support, and called my girlfriend. she was rude with me. she told me she’d bought a $500 mattress for her room at her mom’s and i asked her if the investment meant she’d decided to stay long term. she blew up at me, saying it was none of my business and said she’d call later. i didn’t hear from her for two days, until she called one night to “see how i was”. she was condescending about my sadness and said she needed space. don’t call her, it’s nothing personal, etc. the next day she deleted our relationship on the social networking site. i called her even though i wasnt “supposed to” to ask her about it and she blew up at me. she put all the blame on me, saying she thought she could keep in touch, but it was my fault that she couldn’t and that she’d said all along that she couldn’t do long distance.

she hung up on me. i didnt hear from her for a week and didn’t call after the volatile conversation, at which time i got an email in response to a postcard i’d sent before our last conversation. she said the postcard was “sweet” and that she missed me and hoped i was finding everything i wanted. she said she’d love me always and hoped we could be friends and forgive each other someday. so that was it–as if it was final and she was taking no responsibility.

i called her twice in the next month and didn’t leave a message. i figured if i got her on the phone it was meant to be, if not then it wasn’t. i was a little hesitant about calling her, honestly, but felt i needed to have some closure. noticing she missed a call from me, she called back. the first time we talked, she still raised her voice over mine and said that we “Werent blaming anyone” and that she’d take responsiblity for nothing but moving away. i told her that she was volatile and rageful with me and i didn’t deserve to be treated that way, so i agreed we should break up. she wouldn’t let me talk much more and put down most of my feedback, so i was forced to have a cordial conversation with her and go. she promised to keep in touch via email or phone.

it was still bothering me, so two weeks later i tried again. when she called back, i asked her why she broke up with me and she said “it’s only the distance”. i asked if it was because i was depressed and she said no. i said that i don’t feel like she’s giving me the real reason and she condescendingly said “that’s bc you are depressed, things don’t make sense when you are depressed”. she quickly said she had to go and would not talk more.

it’s been a month since we talked on the phone (not counting one im conversation). i feel like a fool because i’m not over it. here’s someone who i felt i’d spend my life with but instead it was a quick whirlwind of distress and blame. i know i deserve better, but for some reason cannot let go. every morning i have troubled dreams about her while i’m half asleep and every day i work toward feeling better. my family and friends think i should be over it by now (it’s been almost two months), but i’m not and i’m so hard on myself about that.

she im’d me last week and i was unhappy with the shallow conversation, so i’ve blocked her from all of my im programs. i received a text from her two weeks ago but didn’t answer and deleted her from my phone so i wouldn’t be tempted to call again. we are still “friends” on the social networking site. i’m reluctant to delete her from that. perhaps because it’s our last connection and perhaps because we are both over 30 and that seems so teenaged.

i am back in our home city with my friends, but still without an apartment or job. i feel this is a lot of the reason i’m still holding on to the failed relationship.. i’m working on getting work and a home set up. my dreams to move to CA are put off for now, which i’m sad about, but i feel l can’t handle being in a new place and feeling so depressed. at least where i am now i have friends and family for support.

Susan – I’m really sorry to hear about all the stress and difficulties you’ve been having. It’s important that you look after yourself though, even if that’s without him. Ask yourself honesty if your life is more balanced without him. Also have a Google for codependency. Good luck, Peter.

In a sense, what you did in the past doesn’t matter. What’s important is the here and now. You changed, you were ready to commit, and your girlfriend, for whatever reason, was still uncomfortable. You did all you could. She still chose otherwise.

I don’t think you should fight for her. I do think you should make it plain to her that you care for her still, but that you respect her decision. I repeat: Let her know that you accept the breakup.

Do not call her or repeatedly contact her. Let her know that you accept the end of your relationship and wish her the best. Tell her that you’re also looking forward to some wonderful changes in your life.

If she has any interest in your whatsoever, that statement alone will get her attention. If she’s gaming you, then she’ll realize that she really could lose you and come back. If she’s sincere about wanting to be free, then she’ll have to appreciate your respectful acceptance of her decision.

Either way you win.