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Time heals all wounds. At least, that’s what they tell you when you mention that you’ve been dumped recently (along with giving you that look).
But, does time really heal the wound that’s been brought to you by a break up or divorce?
I think that this is a common misunderstanding. Time would not heal anything if it didn’t force you to go through a certain process.
Time is the medium, the healing is done by you.
Time does heal to a certain degree, but the wounds are not healed effectively, let alone completely, if you don’t contribute anything to the healing process yourself.
Time makes you forget, but your problems are still there. Hidden, but present.
Conscious Healing
Is a break up painful? I know it is. Are you amplifying your pain by improper behavior? Well, let’s see.
For effective and in depth healing you have to take a “conscious healing” approach. That’s what I am teaching in my coaching.
Someone said to me lately that she is doing nothing special to overcome her divorce. Just waiting for time to heal it. What could she do about it anyway?
There are a lot of things you could do to start the “conscious healing”.
A conscious healing approach means that you have to make efforts, like do exercises and shift your state of mind, as opposed to doing nothing, letting the time to work for you.
Before you start with exercises, because you really don’t feel like you need to at the beginning, why not change the few things that directly influence your wellbeing in a negative way?
Why is your Break-Up or Divorce killing you?
There is a common behavior pattern that you see over and over again. People are so overwhelmed by their pain (especially at the beginning of the break up), that they willingly or unwillingly, drift into certain manners.
What are these manners and how are they contributing to your pain?
Please read on.
7 Ways you are Amplifying your Pain
Listed below are the main reasons why people are suffering from a break up or divorce more than they should in the first months. This, of course, also implies that when you stop doing these certain things, you will feel much better.
You could call this “indirect healing”, because it doesn’t take a direct initiative, just a change of thinking.
This is much easier, as the first phases of a break up are characterized by a paralyzing lethargy.
Sound’s good?
So, let’s start:
1. Neglecting the Body’s Needs
I know you don’t feel like eating (or some of you eat way too much). I know you don’t want to go jogging. But believe me, you make it worse if you neglect the elementary needs of your body.
If you are not a friend of healthy cuisine, try at the least to maintain your eating habits that you’ve had before your break up or divorce. Never stop working out, jogging or taking part in the sports you used to do.
If you suffer from mental pain, there is no reason to carry it over to your body.
2. Continual Mental Reasoning
I know that you rethink the past events over and over again. It’s almost like a compulsion. You think that maybe you were missing something and if you relive the break up, then it would make sense eventually.
You have to realize one thing: It is not your obligation to suffer!
This vicious cycle of thought is one of the main reasons for your suffering. You must break out of it.
Distraction and mind-control through meditation are the keys for getting over this blocker.
3. Isolation
Never isolate yourself for better suffering.
Call all your friends, make appointments, so that you don’t have to spend a minute alone. Go sporting, go on vacation, meet people. Action is the key.
Isolation gives you time to think. Thinking is bad for you now.
4. Trying to get your Ex Back
Hope is a very dangerous thing. At least in a break up.
There are no rules whether it is possible to get your Ex back or not. But I strongly advise you to accept the fact that the relationship is over, rather than to try to get back your Ex despairingly.
If you really want to get your Ex back (chances are that you will not with time), then your odds will be much higher when you become a stable personality again.
5. High Ex-Attachment
It is very important that you clean up your place from all the things which remind you of your Ex. Put all the photos, CDs, letters, gifts in a big box and hide it in the cellar. Don’t throw it away, you might regret this one day.
I cannot emphasize the importance of this enough.
Another very vital factor to your healing is the no-contact rule. Once you know that it’s over and there is no more business you have to do regarding the divorce or break up, you should cut off the contact to your Ex completely. No phone calls, no e-mails, no text-messages. Don’t go to the places you could meet accidentally.
Believe me, it’s for your own good and this is the only way.
6. Taking No Charge
You have to realize, especially at the beginning, that it’s yourself who is responsible for your healing and happiness. Your Ex does not cause your pain, you do it to yourself with the mindset that you need your Ex to be happy.
Your Ex is not responsible for your happiness!
If you consciously take charge, and realize that it’s only you who can make a change, then you’ve made the first step towards a happier life.
7. Self-Punishment
There is something I constantly observe when working with clients: Most break up victims have an affinity for suffering, a self-induced compulsion to feel the pain. It is almost like “Oh, this is a break up, so I have an obligation to suffer!”.
Trying to break out of this mindset is not easy and causes feelings of guilt. This is the vicious cycle mentioned in no. 2.
Simply resist the compulsion to listen to “your song”, to look at mutual photos, to watch those heart-killing movies, to talk to or stalk your Ex.
Do not torture yourself. Resist!
I know that you may think that these things are your last connection to your Ex, but believe me when I say: all they cause is pain.
You have a right to be free and feel good. It’s your choice.
Conclusion
The first months of a break up or divorce are extremely difficult. There is no motivation for doing anything, not to mention working on self-improvement.
The knowledge of certain behavior patterns which cause pain comes in handy. Avoiding these mistakes cuts off a good part of your arduous journey which lies ahead.
Then you will gain the power to take the “conscious healing” approach and not only survive your break up, but gain so much more.
That is the prize which makes all the suffering worthwhile.
Your friend,
Eddie
(Photograph is from istockphoto / hidesy)
15 responses so far ↓
1 Khalil // Dec 4, 2007 at 11:37 pm
I love this article! Following these steps will help everyone handle a breakup with a lot less pain, and in fact, come out of it a better person than when they even went into the relationship! Great job as usual, Eddie!
Please visit our He Said She Said Love & Relationships Blog as well!
http://www.khalilanddiday.com
2 Matt // Dec 9, 2007 at 6:26 am
I broke one of your rules today, the no contact rule, and now I’m really struggling. I shouldn’t have done it. But she called me and cried because the guy she’s been going out with isn’t treating her well. So, I went over and comforted her. Now tonight I’m right back where I was a week or two or even 3 or 4 weeks ago. I had made so much progress this week, too. Guess I’ll have to get back on track again. Reading this article again helped me to refocus.
Matt
3 Eddie Corbano // Dec 9, 2007 at 11:31 am
Matt,
this is really a classic: the Ex calls for help because something is going wrong in their new life. They do not realize (or they don’t care) the harm they are causing.
I know that it is very difficult to deny help in these situations, but it’s really important to stay strong. Every no-contact break throws you back for weeks.
But I’m glad that you’re right back on the track again. Be strong, you will make it!
4 JR // Jan 13, 2008 at 8:40 am
Thank you so much for this post. I’m in a really tough situation right now and reading this surely made me more optimistic about it.
5 LD // Feb 4, 2008 at 10:23 pm
Thank you for writing this Mr. Corbano. It hurts so much and I’m too far from friends and family for them to help. I’ve invested several years in the relationship and sacrificed so much. She was my last best chance for a family, as I’m getting too old to build again what we had with someone else. I’ll try and do what you recommend get better, but it won’t stop time.
6 elvis // Feb 9, 2008 at 4:25 am
hello I broke up with my GF yesterday after one year of the relationship. It’s just killing me right now. I can’t help but thinking about her. And whenever I do, I hate myself, although it wasn’t my fault. My god, it’s just freaking hard. Looking all over for help. thanx for ur post. But the no contact part is too damn hard.
7 Eddie Corbano // Feb 10, 2008 at 12:41 pm
@ LD
One of the toughest things to realize when we break up is that we have to let go the beautiful future we pictured for us. We are under the false impression that this wonderful future is now impossible to reach. This thinking is normal and part of the healing process.
Eventually we will realize that we make our own future, including the “perfect” relationship that we want.
As for getting “too old”, I don’t think that there is something like “too old”. One’s never too old to have a fulfilling relationship.
What you’ve invested was not for nothing, it was just another step towards your happiness.
@ elvis
Yes, no-contact is very hard but so important. You just have to stick it out. Distraction can help a lot.
All the best for you both,
Eddie
8 Princess // Feb 27, 2008 at 7:35 pm
Hello, my bf and I broke up about a week ago and one of the best things I did was to change my phone number. It stops me from looking at the phone every few min. and wondering if he’ll ever call. I have good hours and bad hours. I would be much better if i didn’t have so much free time. I recently moved to a new city and started a new job and I don’t have anyone here to go out with or anything, so my bf was pretty much the only person I did things with. It seems I’m always alone with my thoughts, even @ work or while working out. So any suggestions of stuff to keep my mind occupied would be greatly appreciated.
9 Eddie Corbano // Mar 3, 2008 at 7:41 am
@ Princess
Changing the cell-number was a great idea! It really takes a heavy load from your shoulders.
For the feeling of loneliness, distraction is very important: go to a gym, start a new hobby… If you think about it, there are plenty activities you could do with people around. Just minimize the time when you are alone.
10 nopainnogain // Apr 5, 2008 at 1:22 am
Hi, I need serious, serious advice. I am fully aware of the no-contact rule, but feel that I am in a different place, and may need to break it?? I dont know whether to contact my ex or not. I believe the possibility of us ever getting back together, ever again, could be completely over, if I dont.We have been in an 11 year co-dependant relationship . On again ,off-again continuously, for weeks at a time. We have both said their was something we could never understand that would pull us back together, every time. Something special, something bigger than us. We were so attracted and chemically right for each other. We knew we couldnt survive in a real relationship, and we knew it was dysfunctional, but we both took it in turns of pursuuing and distancing. My ex said he wanted to end it for good on new years day. I had just initiated a 10 week break and was trying to get back. He said he had finally got over it and wanted to get on. Ive been trying to get on, but been in denial, as, in the background of my mind ever since, has been the secret hope that this is just another one of our patterns and he would come around. He sent me an e-mail 1 week after splitting saying how much I had hurt him during that 10 weeks and how he didnt know what Id been up to, he also said their was no possibility of us ever being friends or anything, anymore, after the pain he had been through. I didnt reply at all. Then after 9 weeks, (3 weeks ago )he sent another different and nice e-mail, asking me to lodge some old divorce papers that we had arguably filled out a couple of years ago, but never lodged. He would have known that those papers would have expired. He also asked me to send my bank account number and he would re-imburse me for the money. He ended the e-mail by saying he appreciated my help as he was clueless with these things. This is a man who knows how to do ANYTHING, if he wants too, and doesnt need help from anyone. I didnt reply to the e-mail again, instead, I retrieved a new lot of divorce papers, signed my section in front of a JP and posted them to him. My family thinks this was a usual ploy to get me to run begging to him. After I posted them, I spotted his car near my gym, twice that week. Anyway, yesterday I received the court date and hearing notice for divorce from the family court. My family thinks he only lodged the papers in response to my posting them to him in the first place and also, he is really pissed off because I have done the no-contact thing by not replying to his e-mails. What do you think? This is the longest time we have been apart. This is the worst point we have got too. But I still think he maybe playing the old game? I was hoping that in time, say 6 months to a year, that we would decide then on a divorce, or if we had changed enough to get back together. I dont know if he would tell me the truth about how he feels if I contacted him or not. Or would he be angry and hurt. I just want to know is it really over on his side or not???
11 Eddie Corbano // Apr 6, 2008 at 5:06 pm
@ nopainnogain
I just answered via e-mail.
12 Philippe // Apr 16, 2008 at 10:06 pm
Dear Eddie,
I ll try to make it shorter than nopainnogain…
well after a divorce I met a pretty attractive woman, we had a first relationship, chaotic and passionate , who ended up toughly after 6 months. we were really attached to each other but somehow it went out of control. we met 3 months later and tried again, this time I carefully cleaned all issues we encountered in our first period in order to start over on a good basis.But she kept being dissatisfied and had an instable and demanding behavior. As I am a father of a little girl of 5, I could not afford to accept any longer a relationship that create trouble and tension. I am not perfect but I feel I did overall the right things during our second trial. at the end I toughly pushed her out. I know it was a wise decision but I truly loved her on the other hand, I followed the no contact rule since then. Now I am dealing with the pain and the feeling to have lost a love. tricky ?
13 MzP // Apr 21, 2008 at 4:14 am
I am so happy that I have found this web-site. I recently have gone through a breakup, and the statement “torturing” myself is so true. Since I have started reading from this web-site I have found some inner peace that I haven’t felt for week’s.
Thank you Eddie!
14 Jeff // Jun 8, 2008 at 6:22 pm
Hey Eddy,
Nothing new under the sun I know, but how do you avoid contact when you work 20 feet apart? :oP Yea.. an office romance (affair actually) gone bad. We were together nearly 4 years. I believe the break up was needed. It was wrong in the first place, she was wanting to move to the next level (marriage) and I guess I still had too much guilt so we broke up (tho she did not want to).
Final question sir, I was sooo relieved at first to be broken up, I was happy, whistling, etc. Then something strange occurred; a week ago (this is about 4+ months after the break-up) I over hear that she is dating and even looking at rings with a new guy! All of a suddent I am in a major state of depression, crying, etc. WHY?!? Did I never grieve properly, even tho I was very much relieved that we split up? It was a very hard week and was getting better until I saw pictures of the new guy and his kids on her desk Friday on my way home for the weekend. :o/ I feel like I am going crazy. I don’t want her back and even feel worried that she is rebounding and I feel a bit sorry for the new guy. (RUN NEW GUY RUN!!) Holy Smokes Eddie! What is going on upstairs with me? :oP
15 sam // Jun 22, 2008 at 8:47 am
thank you so much, I’m in my first 5 days and it hurts so much. I have been in contact with her a few times but last night she made it clear that its over. So from me there won’t be any contact in the short term, we dont hate each other and her reasons for breaking up are valid so I’m still in expectation of one day having my friend back - but right now I feel lost, lonely and utterly dejected. Your website helps no end, thank you
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