This article makes complete sense but as usual its easier said than done. I know that no contact would be better for me and my situation, but sometimes its just to much. I talked to my ex like 10 times a day everyday for four years so its difficult to just stop. But Iam taking it day by day, some are good some are bad. But whats making me realize that I need to stop is that Im the one that calls him. I cant even remember the last time he called me that I didnt intiate it. He texts me but thats it. When he does text me it like a one line thing like “Its hard on me to” and thats it. I realize Im hurting myself but I just tell myself its been three months Ive got to stop being so weak! Eventually Ill get better. thanks eddie

I’m glad I found your site today. I am currently employing the no-contact rule with my husband who announced his dissatisfaction with life and our marriage (this came out of the blue to me, as I thought we had a close and happy marriage). I really do think this will help me sort out what to do and agree that the two times I have seen him have only made things more emotionally difficult for me. HOWEVER…. if I (we) are both in a space of not knowing for sure if we will end our 15-yr marriage (I would like the chance to work on it, but he doesn’t share those feelings), then how can I truly follow through with “moving on”? I have to stay in this limbo? I suppose it all depends on him in the long run, even if I also believe I have to decide for myself as well. Sorry, I don’t know if this makes sense — I’m still going up and down quite a bit these first weeks.

I truly understand the NO CONTACT rule, the 1st couple of days after the break up i called him constantly…i think i was looking for some reasoning behind things, searching for some kind of answer to make sense of things. I never got it…all i got was more and more upset, upset that this person that i had spent years with couldnt come up with a logical reason that he needed “space”. But, he still wanted to hang out and see each other, just WITHOUT the commitment, responsibility, or expectations. That hurt even more. Everytime i did talk to him it just got harder…so i understand, NOW, why we cant be “friends”.

But, how do you stop the thoughts that one day he will call and say all the things you want to hear, basically, im asking how do you kill the HOPE????

I just stumbled upon this site and ive printed so much of it you may want to sue me for copyright violations But, this site has really brought me back to life…

I feel kinda bad that most of the post on here seem like they are from the younger people and I’m 33yrs old. I feel like alot of these things I should’ve learned a long time ago…BUT, here I am, starting over again…When I read the quote…”I don’t miss HIM, I miss who I thought he was…” I knew that this site was going to be a lifesaver because THATS what hurt, the thought that all these dreams I had built in my head were now going to not come true and I didn’t know why…so I think I mourn the loss of that ALOT more than the actual person…

@Stephanie – I agree Stephanie. It is what hurts – the idea that you didn’t really know the person you were with. I am early 30s so know how you feel!

@Sarah – I know how tempting it is to blame ourselves. We think that because we’re 30-something, we should somehow be more relationship savvy than 20-somethings.

But I don’t think age has anything to do with it. I’m 34, and I still don’t “get” it. I don’t get why he didn’t love me the way I loved him. I don’t get how seven months ago he wasn’t ready for marriage, but now is ready to move in with and marry his new girlfriend of three months. I don’t get how he could be so careless with my heart, or worse, how I could have allowed that from anyone and accepted so much less than I deserve. I don’t get how I didn’t see the red flags or how I could have allowed myself to be so blinded by love. I SHOULD have known better….I’m 34, I’ve been around this block before, so it MUST be my fault, right?

For seven months I obsessed over it and tried to figure it out. I tried to figure HIM out, to get inside his head and analyze him. Seven months later, all I am is mentally and emotionally exhausted and no closer to answers. Very recently I came to the conclusion that it’s beyond my comprehension and control. The point is this: WE WILL NEVER TRULY GET IT! We’ll never truly understand what’s going on in their heads (or hearts)….why they made the decisions they did….why they were pretending to be something they weren’t. All we can do is accept that we’ll NEVER know and move on. Accept that obsessing and trying to understand doesn’t change the past; it only prevents us from moving forward with our own lives.

The toughest of all ‘rules’. But you realize as time goes by, and as you get your life back on track, you have to think of what’s best for you and simply move forward.

I know i shouldnt call him or text him cuz it will make you feel worse when they dont answer and dont respond. I dont know when it will actually click in my head that its over. I think if I dont call him he will forget about me and I dont want that, but obvioulsy its what he wants cuz he doesnt answer!! Its hopeless!!

@Angelica –
One of the best responses I’ve heard. As simple as it sounds, it’s a powerful thing, finally admitting to yourself that it’s over and I may never know why…but, as I was just thinking WOULD IT REALLY MATTER if I found out this “magical” response? Would it make me feel any better, doubt it. But, your right, it doesn’t change anything, its just hindering…

I got out of a 7 yr relationship with my first love a little over a year ago….I also had a lot of other things going on in my life and didn’t really process the breakup until about 4 months after we split. This was very confusing (sometimes it still is). I’ve enforced the no-contact rule and asked my ex to please stop calling me numerous times. He didn’t stop and I just kept answering. I’m in a new relationship and have been for about 8 months. I love the man I’m with but since I broke my own no-contact rule, any time my ex calls, it’s an emotional roller coaster all over again. I want nothing more than to be over the past relationship and move forward with my new one. My boyfriend is amazing and very supportive. He’s my best friend- we even talk about my emotions regarding my past relationship (I don’t recommend this if you have other outlets unless your partner is comfortable and very secure). When my ex stopped calling me on a weekly basis I found myself thinking about our relationship more. I owe it to myself to stop answering calls. It’s not fair to me that I put a rule into place and not only does my ex not honor it, but I don’t honor it!!! I’m beginning to see how I can control my own part and not speak with him. Anyway, just needed to blog this out and get it off my chest .

@Luisa – Yes! Thanks for summing everything up in a simple, yet powerful, sentence. (I’m a lawyer–wordiness is a natural character trait!)

After a roller coaster relationship where I was lied to, tricked and deceived I finally accepted that it was over and I was ok with it. I used the NO contact rule without a problem for 4 months. One day last week in a moment of boredom and lonliness I called him. What a HUGE mistake. He said hurtful things, reminded me of how ‘over’ me he was and made me cry on several occasions. Set my healing back weeks……I am angry at myself for doing that and allowing him to see my pain. How do I get back on track and get that peace back?

Hey Eddie, great article, this site has really been helping me get through my breakup.

But what if you were best friends from the start? What if you want your best friend back? What do you do then?

Hey Eddie,

I just joined your newsletter and I’m on my way to recovery with your help and really glad I found your site.
My fiance ended things with me this past march after 8yrs and I moved out of our place and back to my home city where I grew up closer to family. Since then I just didnt want to talk to her. My view was, once its over, its over and when trust is broken, then really, the foundation of friendship is broken not to mention any chance of reconciliation to begin with. (Would you be friends with someone you didn’t trust) So I didnt have any issues not contacting her. She emailed me to “chat” online and invited me to join her msn messenger. I declined and replied that I really didnt see any use and there really isnt much point but if she really “feels” the need to contact me she knows how. So I changed my cell number. I wasn’t sure if I was doing the right thing because as much as I was angry, deep inside I was thinking there may be hope. I know I sound contradictory but I always knew, when it comes to love there is no logic at times. After reading your first news letter I was glad to see that I made the right decisions so far. So its been close to 3months without me contacting her. She has tried to email me but I never respond, yes I’m still bitter and thats how I know I still “love her” and “In love with her”
My issue is this. She’s very close to my family and my family loves her even though they know that its over. She now contacts them to know how I’m doing. I dont want her to know because I feel that she doesn’t deserve to know how I am. I know I sound vindictive but right now I have so much animosity towards her. What do I do in a situation like this, how can I stop her? Is it so wrong for me to cause her grief.
I’m in my mid 30’s but now I feel like im a teenager acting like this but I feel so much pain even after 3months of no contact. Is it
By the way, one of the worst things someone can say to you when breaking up is “I love you but I’m not in love with you”…wtf.?

Also, my family seems to think that I should forgive and forget and try to salvage what is there…..well no chance in hell. I was in love with who I thought she was and not with who she really is. I read that somewhere in here.

Thanks Eddie for creating this site, its brought some peace in my confused mind.!

@Determined –
I was sort of on the opposite side of your situation. One of the hardest parts about my breakup was losing his family. The breakup was his fault, I loved his family, and I didn’t want to let go of them. But I finally accepted I had to let go of them in order to let go of him completely.

Your family loved her. It’s great that you have a family so accepting of the significant other you chose, and I’m sure that was important to you while you were together. But I don’t think you should apologize AT ALL for how you’re feeling or the decisions you are making right now. You are entitled to feel anger and resentment. She hurt you and those emotions are part of the healing process–go through it and be kind to yourself during the process. Hell, it’s only been 3 months for you; it took me 7 months! I’m sure your family does miss and love her. But in the end, remember it’s your life and your decision. No one else’s.

I think you have every right to ask your family to not give her any information about you if they choose to talk to her. Obviously, you can’t control whether they see her, talk to her, or maintain a relationship with her, but you do have a legitimate right to ask them to respect your privacy. It is wrong of her to pimp them for information, anyway. Maintaining a relationship is one thing; using them to get the scoop on you is quite another.

Hang in there. It WILL get better. In the meantime, make a covenant to yourself: “I MUST do what is best for ME.” You can’t go wrong with that one!

What do I do? I’m the dumpee. I was dumped a couple weeks ago. He has since sent me an email – “I was wrong. I miss you so much. I made a big mistake, sorry.”

Granted it was about 12:30 am and he was probably a bit intoxicated. But, what do I do?

We didn’t fight he just didn’t think that I would be happy in his little town in Germany. But, for whatever reason he broke it off with me – he still did. So, I wondering if I should reconcile if “he” decides he wants to. I don’t think I am.

I am still very much in love with him but I don’t want to go through the pain again. Not with him.

What do you guys think?

@Mariel

I will pass along the advise my therapist gave me during the first days of my breakup. No contact with him for 90 days. None. If he contacts you and says he wants to get back together, you tell him you will discuss it in 90 days. That gives you both time to let the initial pain soften and decide if you REALLY want to reconcile.

Good luck!

@Angelica – Angelica – 90 days – wow, that seemes like a long time – but I must do it ! I have been with my boyfriend on and off for 17 years – yes, really. We had a bad break up and I have been sending him really mean and nasty text messages…I know grow up already! Thanks for the 90 day advice. Maybe you can check in occasionally to make sure I am on the right path!!

@Determined – Glad I could help! I understand your wanting to fast-forward through the recovery (we all do). But in the end, I think you will look back on this time and appreciate the lessons learned and the personal changes you are making. I certainly am not the same person I was when we broke up 7 months ago. The break-up forced me to take inventory of myself and figure out who I am and what I’m looking for in a husband. Most importantly, it forced me to find my own strength and to recognize that I really am “enough” on my own.

I think getting over someone comes in a series of steps. At least that was the case in my situation. I first had to accept he wasn’t coming back. Then let go of the future I dreamed for us. After I let go of him, I had to let go of his family, then deal with the emotions that accompanied seeing him with someone new. It simply wasn’t possible to deal with all of that in one swift blow.

As much as you are hurting right now and you want to forget her and erase all the feelings and memories, I don’t think you will REALLY want that in the end. Those feelings and memories are YOURS. They are the most sure reminder you have of what she truly meant to you, of your capacity to give and love. That’s not something you will ever want to forget.

Be kind to yourself!

@Holly – I hope it helps! I know it will be hard.

During those 90 days, I went through “Girl Dating Education.” With a venti Starbucks in hand, I hit Barnes & Noble one Friday night, read every self-help break-up book, and sobbed. I bought, read numerous times, and even tabbed portions of the book “It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken” (I strongly recommend this book). I watched every Sex and the City episode. It really helped to know I wasn’t the only girl going through it. I went to church and sobbed. During that time, I hoped he would eventually “see the light” and come back to me. But at the end of the 90 days, I discovered I was well on my way to being over him and I didn’t want to get back together.

Good luck! You possess strength you cannot now comprehend. It’s your job to find it during the next 90 days and to emerge a stronger, healthier, relationship-savvy woman. You can do it!

@Kaleen – Kathleen you will be going up and down for a long time to come. Hopefully you have good self esteem and realise the value of yourself. My partner left after 10 years and it was devastating as my self esteem was so low. 8 months on I am rebuilding my life. It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. Before I was hoping he would come back. Now I am hoping there is light at the end of the tunnel and I will find the love and happiness I deserve. But it is up to me to work on my issues.

@Stephanie – Stephanie I am 33 and just out of a LTR. I have soooo much to learn. I guess we all get to things at our own pace. The main thing I’ve learnt is that avoiding things makes it worse. Avoiding issues, avoiding talking, avoiding dealing with my own issues. It’s not easy. I am anxious as I write this even, knowing I have a long way to go and a lot of issues to deal with like self esteem and self confidence. Scary, but necessary.

@Stephanie – I don’t think you kill the hope. I think eventually it fades. Took me 9 months.

@Angelica – I really understand your post. I think thats what I tried to do-deal with it all in one swift blow (or week); EVERYTHING…it just wasn’t possible. I was getting totally consumed with the thoughts and then angry with myself because I kept thinking of him and wanted to call him. So, your so right when you said its steps…

And when I read your last paragraph it made me think…this wasnt my 1st relationship and each time there WAS something special about that person that I wouldnt WANT to forget and I can look back at them fondly and not be affected or have wanting feelings towards them, so your paragraph let me know that I will move on and look at this person in the same light…I thought I would have to hate him to move on.

Even though it hurts, its NOT going to kill me.

@Stephanie – Good!! I am glad you are able to find positive thoughts from your past relationships. I think that’s the real key to letting go and moving on. But don’t forget to look for the positive things YOU brought to those relationships. For me, it was that I allowed myself to love my ex with my whole heart and to communicate in ways I never had before. Those were huge personal accomplishments that I will take with me to future relationships. Recognizing your accomplishments will help you grow individually and toward a better, healthier relationship. The positive things YOU contributed and learned are far more significant than whatever good qualities the other person possessed.

Keep at it! You can do it!

@Determined –
Hmmm….well, the general rule is that whatever was left may be replaced. No contact–leave it and replace it. However, because I am a lawyer, and lawyers always have “general” rules and plenty of exceptions…. =)

Is it truly something you CANNOT replace? If so, then perhaps you can write her a letter. Make it as formal and polite as possible and get right to the point. Nothing personal, no name-calling, no emotions revealed. Think of it in terms of a tenant writing to a landlord. Offer to pay shipping charges. Or, better yet, do you have a friend in that area who would be willing to act as an intermediary? Since you said your family members continue to talk to her, perhaps even one of them?

Good luck!

The importance of “no contact rule”. My girlfriend left me for another woman after 5 years relationship. She was (and still is) the love of my life. We promised each other that we´ll stay together untill the death do part us. 9 months ago when I went to visit my friend she started seeing new woman – first she was saying that they are only friends and nothing is going on. She started seeing her more often and even sleeping in her flat. I was begging her not to do that but she was still instisting on the “friendship thing”. I was feeling so powerless ´cause I was feeling that my girlfriend is getting more and more attached to this woman and that something is going on and that I am loosing her. For about 2 months she was trying to persuade me that this new friend of hers is only a normal friend and that she just enjoy spending time with her (that they have similar hobbies and so on). Well, those 2 monts were very hard for me – I lost my apettite, couldn´t sleep, lost 10 kilograms of weight and couldn´t concentrate on my work nor college. Then she admitted that she feels attracted towards her but that she is going to finish it. I believed her. But she always found the reasons why she couldn´t do that and so on. She was looking for reasons why she had to see her, e.g. she forgotten something in her flat or she owe her something or they have bought together the tickets to the theater so it would be rude to call it off now and so on. I forgoten to mention very important thing which is that me and my girlfriend work in the same place, visit the same college and have dog together. I am seeing her everyday at work which is the hardest thing that you can imagine. But let me continue with my story. She was coming to me twice a week telling me how much she loves me and another two days of the week she kept seeing her new friend. She couldn´t make up her mind who she wants to be with. She played this on and off game with me for about 2 months. Every time she came to me and told me that she loves me and that she wants to be with me I was feeling over the moon, every time she came telling me that she can´t stop thinking about that woman I felt completely wrecked. It was getting worse and worse with me – I lost another 5 kilograms, was flesh and bones, I was crying a lot, couldn´t sleep and when I fell asleep I had nightmares about her and that other woman. After about 3 monts of this on and off effect she told me that she breaks up with me. There were days when I came in the morning into work and half an hour later I had to go home because when I saw my girlfriend and sometimes I even heard her happily talking to that woman on the phone I couldn´t stop crying. I was going to work with a nausea every morning because I knew that I am going to see there “the love of my life” that doesn´t love me anymore. My work effectivity got to the point zero, sometimes I was just sitting behind the table, looking at the computer not able to do a thing. I love my work I honestly do but I am not that good worker I used to be before. I wasn´t able to concentrate on my studies – I didn´t take exams that I was suppose to take etc. I was really suffering – I hardly ate and drink – I didn´t care for what is gonna happen to myself – I felt that my life has no meaning without her. My body was trying to resist to this harm that I was doing to it but one day it had enough and I had a kidney colic so the ambulane had to take me to the hospital. I have a very good friend who was trying to help me – he spent as much time as possible with me and was trying to do anything to help out of my sorrow. It was still very hard for me seeing her at work but after about 5 months I accepted that she left me and that she is not gonna come back. 2 weeks ago, just 3 days before my birthday she came into my office and asked me if I am gonna go with her for a weekend trip to a place where we went a year ago. First I said no because I didn´t want to go through all of it again – she broke my heart and I didn´t want her to let this heart break again. She told me that she can´t stop thinking about me, that she knows that she loves me and that she made a big mistake whe she started dating her “new” girlfriend. She awaked the hope in me and I gave in and agreed on going on that trip with her. I felt like the happiest person on the earth – I felt that the God has answered to my prayers. When we got the place and went to our bedroom she told me that she loves me. An hour later she told me she can´t stop thinking about that other woman and that she loves us both. I just started to cry and couldn´t stop for about two next hours. She said that she is gonna forget her and be with me. First that she wants to be just a friend with me and we will se how it goes. I agreed – so desperatly I wanted to be with her. The next day in the morning she told me that she is not sure if she wants to be with me. I was crying the whole day. She drove me back home and told me that she didn´t want that weekend to turned out that way but that she can´t imagine being without HER. I closed myself in my flat and cried the whole night – I was so miserable that I couldn´t go to work next day (it was my birthday – 27). I stayed in bed and in the afternoon she run into my flat with 5 red roses telling me that she loves me. I felt that my dreams come true – so happy I was. The next day at work I came into her office very happy but she looked sad and told me that she can´t make up her mind who she wants to be with. I couldn´t believe it – I have given her more than 15 chances to come back to me (I was willing to forgive her infidelity) but she wasted it all. Since the last week I lost anouther 4 kilograms, got ill and I can hardly walk – I am completely emotionaly and phisically drained. I told myself that now I am fighting for my life, this behaviour has nearly got me six feet under. I told myself that I am not gonna give in anymore – no matter what – I have had enough. Yesterday she came into my office and told me that she wanna spent this weekend and next week with me – I said no – She told me that now when I am nearly 1 metre before the finish line why am I going to give up? I was thinking about her sentence whole night and when she asked me againg today I gave in – I said that I am gonna spend it with her – 30 minutes later she came into my office and told me that she is not sure if she wants it and that she is probably in love with that other woman – in the afternoon she left for the holiday with HER. Leaving me here – with bleeding heart and emptyness. Well, what points I was trying to make by this long story. 1.) If you don´t obey the no contact rule than the same things that happend to me can happened to you (you can easily give in) and you will never recover from your break-up. When someone awakes the hope in you and then kills it (several times) it is gonna harm you – same as it happened to me. I am close to the nervous breakdown, look like anorectic, have problems with my health. Eventhough I love my job – in order to get better I will have to leave it because if I see her it will never get better. I have to change my life from the basis. I don´t know how to do it but I wanna stop loving her and thinking about her otherwise I can´t get on with my life.

I thought i found the man of my dreams, everything was perfect the first year, it was magical and so romantic..i have never been so happy and fullfilled in my life during that period…i fell in love again with him everytime i woke up and saw his face…

Then things started to change, i was not getting the same attention as before, thr romance started to decline, sex was not that often, i actually had to start asking for a while…
We finally broke up, i asked him that we try once again more than once, but he said ‘no’, he needs his space now…
My world collapsed, i could not stop thinking of him all the time, everything i was doing reminded me of him and of our life together…
I was not also happy for the last 6 months of the relationship, i was miserable because i was no longer getting what i wanted, i became sour, nasty and controlling…which all have probably pushed him away from him and made him decide to break-up.
It’s been three weeks now that i have moved out from out house, i’m feeling better but i know i still love him…

Somewhere in my heart i hope that one day we’ll get back together…but for now, i need to be on my own and fully get back on my feet. I have cried a lot, asking myself questions and thinking of how i could have done things differently, blaming myself for having lost what i use to call ‘The love of my life’….

It’s time for me to move one and i know i’m on that path right now…

How can you implement the No Contact rule when you have a 6 year old child together? It’s only been a week, and we’re still sorting out bills/house etc, but after everytime she talks to me I struggle not to break down, I can’t forsee a possibility of not seeing her for 90 days.

After going through a horrific 3 yr relationship I became single again. After several months I started dating my boyfriend. He was everything I wanted, the complete opposite of the other one. He loved me, he put me first in his life, he called me all the time. The only thing was his love to “party.” At first we would party all the time together with friends. Never go without each other. Then I guess I became so ecstatic about having someone be so in love with me that I made it the center of my life. Our fighting was not frequent however there were several big ones. He would talk about the future more than I did as well & there were NO signs of lost interest on his part. However 5 days ago he said he wasn’t happy & wanted to be single. He wanted to be able to go out with his friends & no have to worry about me getting upset if he does so. We had been together for over a year.
And now I am completley broken. I know I’ve been through a break-up before but I don’t want it to be over. I am so sad & so hurt & I feel I have lost total control of myself, I haven’t called him & he hasn’t called me. I don’t how to get back on my feet. He’s in the back of my mind all the time. I feel so pathetic.

@Dale – Dale – It’s going to be very difficult for you…You will have to get someone you trust (family or close friend) to make the switch and or to set-up times for visiting. You didnt say why you split-up, but it really will help you to not have contact – its been 2 weeks today since we have had any contact w/ my ex – I havent even sent any nasty text messages (even though I want to). Just be strong and dont argue in front of your child…

@Holly – We split up because she turned around one day and said she didn’t love me; I’m shattered, all over the place and the very prospect of not seeing her is unthinkable; I need to see my son other than the weekend and the only way is to go home as it isn’t long after I finish work that he goes to bed.

@Holly – Glad to see you’re hanging tough, Holly! Keep it up! It’s hard but worth it.

my boyfriend broke up with me a month back. he says his family doesn’t approve of our relatonship and also he doesn’t love me as much as he used to. Initiialy i called him up several times asking him not to break up and that i will try to make things better. But every time he said its over. It hurt like hell…. i lost 2 kgs in 1 week. He knew my condition but was still firm on his decision. i felt hurt… angry… i didnt know this person he was now. I trsuted every word he said and in the end he left..saying his family was more important to him then me. i felt betrayed. I tried the no contact rule and would recieve his calls whever he called. He said he was making sure i was alright. i realized i was geting more hurt every time i answered his call. So i decided enough was enough. i wasnt gonna hurt any more. I started the no contact rule again… its been a whole week.. i havnt talked to him or texted him. He has been calling and texting but i dont answer him. it hard.. but i need to accept that its over… and no matter what i do he is not coming back. it still hurts, i still cry at night… but i know i need to move on.

Eddie,

I’m a new reader here and felt that i just struck gold! I jumped from one site to another searching for possible answers, tips, and advices on how to recover from very devastating events in your life. My girlfriend just broke up with me a few days ago and i didn’t know what to do, i had a lot of time in my hands so i tried surfing the net for help. But your site is just one heck of a mind blower! it’s unique in a way that you not only helps us how to feel good and recover from a breakup but you certainly give the whole package here… you offer so much help in giving readers what they truly need.. how to feel human again. You transform people from the lowest parts of their lives into untouchable persons and impervious to harm.. Haha! Hats off to you Eddie.

I didn’t know that recovering can be just so simple by just visiting this site, reading your words and hearing from actual people that can relate to you. i just simply can’t get enough of your articles that i just seem to keep opening one link to another. Feels good to be back on my feet and having that life goal you have been talking about. There are even times i feel like bursting into tears whenever you make your encouraging and uplifting one liner comments. Your’e a heaven sent, Please, keep it up. More power and hoping for more inspirations. Godbless!

So my ex boyfriend/best friend broke up with me a month or so ago, he promised we would still talk, id still be his best girl friend…etc..He now makes no effort to talk to me it’s as if I don’t exist. Although he did give a forget-me-not flower telling me not to forget him. I’ve been trying to work with the no contact rule but it’s hard when we live in the same sorta small town of Wasilla Alaska, we go to the same high school we are both involved with Student Council, I let him take my position of President and I stepped down to be Vice President..thinking it would be fun, but now that we are over I can’t stand it that he’s president and took my place. In general i’m just really hurt over everything, we dated for about 6 months, went to Hawaii together with my family. He has been involved with me since my parents split up happened or my mom found out that my dad was having an affair…How do I let go? He texted me yesterday telling me he had some my clothes and was going to drop them off, but rudely added..”im not staying” I realized that my happiness doesn’t come from him, it comes from within myself…but how am I going to get over him, if he is constantly around..and the worst part is he’s been hanging with my friends and I know she’s better suited for him, but it still annoys me and hurts me…any advice..I may only be 17 and have a whole life ahead of me, but right now im hurt..

Okay.. here goes..

I was in a relationship with a guy that cheated on me with his “best friend”. i took him back because he kept begging me to.. and the guilt ate me up.. and i got scared he’d be more hurt than me or smthing (i tend to put people first before myself). i took him back and things got good. (this is a long distance relationship we’re talking about.. he visits like once a year). after i took him back, i met someone else (an old friend of his), and started falling for that person and i was honest enough to tell the guy i was with.. he was mad but we worked through that. unfortunately, i kept talkin to the other guy cuz we were friends at first .. but i felt that he had some qualities that the guy i was with didn’t possess.. and i needed those qualities.. and i also felt flattered by the attention. i realized i liked both people. i had to make a choice cuz what i was doing was wrong so i got bak with my guy but he felt i was uncertain because our lives were kinda in different places.
he came bak to visit and we had the most amazing time and he bought me expensive gifts and all that.. but i felt he was coming on stronger than usual.. and i got scared n uncertain.

after he left the country, he stopped giving me much attention, and i gave him his space.. things started to fade.. and he became distant n gave me excuses like he’s lazy, broke, busy.. blah blah.

i decided to end things, and it’s been 2 months since the no contact rule. he didnt call me, but he kept trying to maintain contact with me saying that he wanted me bak n all that. i found out while he was here, he tried contacting the girl he cheated on me with. i have deep feelings with this guy.. i changed my phone number cuz he started texting me after i told him not to contact me, and now im scared i hurt him! everyone tells me he doesnt care about me.. and all i can do is feel guilt and blame myself for everything even if he initially cheated. how do i know i did the right thing???

@Angelica –

Angelica, I am SO there. I am thirty years old and just broke up with my boyfriend of three years. When we first got together, he talked about getting married but I wasn’t ready. The further we went into the relationship, the more “scared” he got, and while he keeps saying he loves me, says he doesn’t think he will ever remarry! About a week ago he told me his ex was coming into town to visit, and today he told me to make sure I had everything out of his apartment that I would need for a few days because he didn’t want the drama of introducing us! I told him I thought it was inappropriate and when he did not agree, I told him we were through.

That was only a few hours ago and I am already regretting saying that. I love him so much! He brought me out of a dark place in my life and I can’t imagine going through life without him. We work together, too, which makes things extra hard. How do people get through this pain?

@Kelly – Kelly, I think this is a pivotal moment in your relationship. I completely understand how you feel. You have been with this man for three years, you’ve invested a great deal of yourself in the relationship, and you’re scared to be alone again and do the whole dating again. I feel your pain.

It’s only been a few hours. You are feeling the initial shock and intense pain, but try not to regret what you said. I think you were absolutely right and I applaud you for asserting your self-respect. From what I see, if you have been with this man for three years and he’s not ready to introduce you to the world–and be proud to call you “his,” even to his ex-girlfriend–he has not invested himself in the relationship. At this point, it sounds like he may never be, especially since he says he will never remarry. Not wanting to cause his ex-girlfriend pain is one thing; hiding you is quite another.

I would cut off all contact with him. He needs time to feel what it’s like without you. Maybe he will realize what an awesome girl he has and decide he can’t imagine NOT marrying you. But I wouldn’t count on that. Truth is, HE has to be ready for the commitment of marriage. There’s nothing you can do to make him ready. Accepting that limitation is one of the hardest things you will ever do. Besides, you deserve better!! You deserve someone who is completely committed to you, wants the world to know you are “his,” and can’t wait to marry you. Isn’t that what you want?

Stand your ground. Be strong, and don’t give in! If you can do that, I GUARANTEE you will look back on this one day soon and be thankful you put yourself first. It’s the first step in YOUR journey to self-respect and empowerment. Good luck!

@ Kelly
It’s hard Kelly, but you have to decide if staying with him is worth it. Was he everything you wanted in a relationship/man? Nobody is perfect of course, but think about it.

I know, I’ve been there, and nothing hurts more. But I wasted 10 years. Be glad it was only 3.

Um…could he not meet her somewhere to catch up for coffee? Sounds weird to me.

Okay so, me and my ex broke up about a month ago and we both said we would like to be friends again when I am ready. But the thing is he is rushing into this friendship thinking that we can be friends just like that. I told him that I am not ready but I do want to be friends with him someday. We both hang out with the same people so it is tough to not see him at parties and social events.

Last night we went to the movies with a few of our close friends and we went to get popcorn but everyone left me and my ex alone to get it. I had no idea what to say to him or anything because that was the first time we had truely been alone since before the break up.

I need to know what I should do when I am in these situations because I have another year of having to see him every day at school and such and really would like to know how i should deal with it.

Also, its hard for me to get over him because he broke up with me the day i needed him most. My friend past away and stuff was going on with my really close causin.

thank you.

Hey, its been 6 weeks now since i last spoke with my bf of 4 years. we split cos his (female) friend was being very nasty and vindictive towards me and making up stuff about us and saying that he wasnt serious about me, i was really shocked anyone could ever be so immature. Anyway, i had expected him to be protective and stand up to her and tell her not to talk about his girlfriend or his relationship in such a disrespectful manner, When he didnt we had a massive fight as he said i was expecting him to choose between me and his friend. he thinks that if he told her not to do this it would upset her and he couldnt risk that, so he left me, It has been 6 weeks and he hasnt even been in touch to ask how i am. I have not contacted him either. I am very glad now that he hasnt been in touch as it just goes to show how little i meant to him and how much more i deserve. I am now at a stage where i dont think i really want him to get in touch with me.

I am hurt as i put so much into the relationship and got so little out of it. And i would probably have loved him forever. I was crushed,

But, he has just proved how ‘not worth it’ he is. I wish him well now, I hope he finds happiness elsewhere and i think ill b grateful in the long run that it is not with me if thats the sort of guy he is. This site has been monumental in my recovery. I still have bad days, I still cry, i still sometimes blame myself for him leaving, i keep wishing i had said this, and said that. Does anyone else feel the same?

I miss what we had, and would love have that again, but i certainly dont miss being treated like i mean nothing to someone.

@Claire..

Hey Claire, i completely understand what you’re going through. My relationship ended with my ex after his “best friend” got in the way and he would always defend her over me.

If only I had known that’s the first sign that something’s wrong.

Only difference is, you got rid of him quicker than I did! I got cheated on as a result of the “best friend” and I took him back! It didn’t work out and I left him which is why I’m here now!

I understand how you feel about putting alot into the relationship.. but that just shows how much love you have to give to someone. You have nothing to feel guilty about.. because you tried your BEST! Everything you’re going through is normal.. all the mixed emotions. Once they clear up, you’ll realize that there were some good days, but that that was all it was! a few good days. you need someone lifelong.. and worth you’re time… so let this one go.. take care of yourself, and by time things’ll be okay:)

I had to go back home to pick up some things to move to my new house; she was there and now I’ve died inside again, I thought I was doing ok after a month, but it’s still extremely raw.

It hurts like nothing else, and I’m fighting myself not to text her and tell her what she’s done to me; but I know I can’t.

@Sal
Hi, thanks for your post. that’s awful you got cheated on. You really deserve a lot better! But your comments have really helped : ) Its a horrible situation isn’t it? I Have my suspicions he cheated on me with her, but I will never know for sure now.
I think the worst thing about it is the being dumped; I kind of wish I had got there first and it would have been a lot easier.
He said that by asking him to stand up to her and get involved I was asking him to choose and eventually the pressure got too much and he left me, So basically if he didn’t let his friend be nasty to me she wouldn’t be his friend anymore. (She doesn’t sound like much of a good friend) I would never have asked him to choose, I just wanted him to make it clear he was committed to me. He said I should have just stuck up for myself and not involved him. That’s what he has made me feel most guilty about. He said he couldn’t handle my insecurity around her anymore, even though she was really inappropriate around him. (And they had history) but I just felt like I think any normal girlfriend would have felt after 4 years together. Like he would have been more committed to me. I stood by him and supported him while he had no job and paid for an awful lot, not that he ever said thank you of course.
He knows I would have done anything for him, unfortunately this sentiment wasn’t returned.
So therefore I do deserve a lot better, and i look forward to the time i can look back on all this and put it down to experience. I’ve booked myself some time off work to go travelling and I’m doing all the things I didn’t get round to when i was with him. Like go back in the forces, i left last time partly because I missed him so much. (i never told him that) I really wish I hadn’t left now. He has completely taken me for granted. I hope one day he looks back and realises that. Although he probably wont knowing him. Good luck to his next girlfriend.

Hope ur ok,

Claire
x
-

Its been almost 2 months and I haven’t initiated any contact with my now EX!!!! And it truly does get easier with time…the hardest part is that I’m a ‘WHY?’ person…I feel like if I know why something happened or why someone did something, it would be easier. But, I had to give up the hope that I would get that answer from him.

BUT, he sent me a text saying that he wanted to meet so we could TALK…I really don’t want to set myself back with the progress that I have made…but, something in me wants to “TALK” and maybe I will get my WHY…

But, could any answer given really be good enough, would any answer justify treating someone you said you loved so carelessly?

He had been talking to the mother of his 2 kids again and I found a text from him to her saying “IM GOING TO LOVE HAVING MY FAMILY BACK”, I confronted him, and of course, he blamed me for everything…I felt so stupid because I always had issues with their closeness (or his lack of acknowledgement of me to her), but, I just kinda thought is was because they had kids…and she never seemed to be much of a issue in our 3yr relationship, UNTIL, the latter part…she was just “around” more often…which I could’ve totally accepted the fact if he had TOLD me that he wanted to be with her and his kids, but he lied and made me think that I was “crazy” for being uncomfortable…

So, now that I just wrote everything out, I think my answer is simple…even if he did want to get back together now, it wouldn’t work, I would never trust him and that situation ever again…and he HAS to have contact with her due to them having kids…

I’m just so PISSED that I didn’t trust my instincts from the beginning…and now that he has sent the text now, its just taking me back to a place that I was stepping out of and moving on from…

I’m sorry guys, I just needed to VENT…

@Steph –
Hey it sucks doesnt it? vent all you like!
I totally understand about being made to feel like the ‘crazy insecure one’ my ex who didnt even have the balls to look me in the face when he left said the same to me. But im pretty sure any girl would feel the same, after the way he was acting.
And i have totally been there with the lack of acknowledgement for being a serious couple after 3 and a half years. Its horrible! and he had the cheek the blame me for the breakdown of everything!
even though he could see i was really tryng my best to be ok with things for his sake. Its been 6, nearly 7 weeks and no contact, its been the best thing really, But im am also a WHY person and part of me wishes he would still get back in touch just to make sure im alright or something. Saying that, ive kind of made good progress since he left i also feel the same in that i dont wish to be back at square one again.

take care,
x

@Steph -

Steph, don’t be too hard on yourself. Hind-sight is ALWAYS 20/20.

I also spent many months post-breakup wanting to know why. I finally just had to accept I’ll never know. There was nothing he could ever say that would satisfy me or ease the pain, so there was no point re-hashing the painful breakup.

I think getting over someone is a process that, unfortunately, has plenty of ups and downs and steps forwards and backwards. My ex and I broke up 8 months ago, and I thought I was completely over him, no residual issues to deal with. But I just returned from a walk, passing by the gazebo that was the sight of a very romantic moment for us. I was not expecting an emotional reaction to that memory at this point. I guess all we can do is be gentle with ourselves, accept that these things will happen, and do our best to keep moving forward.

I was in a relationship for anly 13 months. We both talked on a daily basis that we wanted to end things but didn’t know how. I told him “I guess I would rather live miserable with you than to live without you”. He agreed with me. I won’t go into detail about the relationship but there was a few nights in jail.etc. etc..My question is this; I told him to leave today, made him walk back to his parents house(his car is being repaired at the moment) at 7:30 in the morning. He tried to grab all of his clothing but I would not let him (trying to hold on hoping he will come back after a few hours). I have all of his belongings. I told him I was going to donate the clothing to good will, I bought some of them anyways why should he have them right?? I am 29 years old and he is going to be 25 in a month. I am bitter, hurt, feeling sorry for my self and depressed. I want to get rid of his things, I just don’t want him to have them. I know the reason I have them still is because of that hope we will get back together, but I know deep down I don’t want to salvage the relationship. Am I wrong for throwing his things away or donating them?? I still have them hanging in the closet!! I am going to try the no contact rule. What do I do?? I know top I don’t throw the things away cause I am scared of what he will say. He was abusive one time in the relationship, but also very controlling of what I do. Please someone give me advice and help me.

Tomorrow, I will be filing my divorce papers. Been crying as it gets closer. This is effectively end my 10yr relationship (9yrs dating and 15mths married) with my wife and best friend. I thought losing my dad 7 months ago was hard but losing my love of the past 10yrs is unbearable. Even though I am 30, I feel that I can’t get anyone better. The reason she gave did not make me feel better. Just more confused and sad. She mentioned all of the top 10 reasons. Instead of trying to work things out, she just quit and left. Sigh…I am so pathetic. I feel I let everyone down especially my dad.
I really don’t know how to begin my uninvited new life. Personally, I don’t like being alone. Being married was the happiest times in my life. Just trying to be your best for your spouse is not a bad thing and yet, my marriage failed because she has decided I am no longer “right” for her.
I haven’t seen her for the past 2 months but she texted and chatted to me. An hour ago, I’ve told her to leave me alone and block me from all media. The hardest part of this no contact is that I want to grieve with my best friend but she was my best friend. I really hate going through this alone. One of my greatest fear is dying alone and right now, it feels that way.
There was a question I read, why is SHE my happiness? Well, she really isn’t my happiness but I love that she is happy and that makes me happy. If the happiness came from me, it brings me joy. She was my best friend, g/f, wife, and lover of +10yrs. Most of my early adulthood was with her, and a sudden disappearance is hard to comprehend.
Damn it, I just wished she talked to me if she had problems or something. These IFs drives me crazy. How can anyone cheats immediately after marriage and walk away from a 10yr relationship without remorse. She even tells me that I did not do anything wrong. I was a great husband, best friend, and lover! WTF!!!
Sigh, I miss her but I know it is her loss.
Wish me luck…

@Claire..

hey claire! i’m so sorry to hear all of that. i’m sure it hasn’t, and still isnt easy on you. i completely understand where you’re coming from. thing is, you never feel okay with these things. i was a dumper, but i felt just as bad, if not worse, than a dumpee! it’s the guilt! you keep wondering whether or not you did the right thing!

about you’re guy, i’m sorry but all his excuses are ridiculous. he broke up with you and is still friends with her?? because the pressure was too much? so what he was supposed to allow her to talk trash to you and you are supposed to defend yourself and he’s supposed to remain friends with her? God, how fair is that? would you let any of your friends trash talk your man?? think of it that way.. you were right to do what you did! he did what my ex did to me: made me feel ridiculous. like it was all “in my head” and that she was just a “really close friend”. well guess what? as soon as i dumped my guy he went back to being friends with the girl he cheated on me with. how’s that?

i can promise you that these guys are just going to stay like this. they’re going to keep “making friends” and cheating and lying. he may or may not have cheated on you.. but he sure as hell didn’t deserve your time or energy. he made life easier for you by leaving. all ican tell you is please keep the no contact rule going.. change your life to the better.. and make sure he stays out. it doesnt matter if he feels bad, guilty, sorry, or anything. don’t ever EVER take this guy back (take it from someone who knows), because he will change back into the jerk he was (no matter how many promises he makes).

you were never insecure about yourself. you were insecure about the kind of guy he was. don’t let a girl who obviously knows the effect she has on him aka homewrecker, make you think you were ever anything less than great. and dont ever let a jerk like him play with your feelings.

you’re a kind person.. and it’s time to take charge of your own life and find someone who will give you the love you deserve!

i hope you find peace in all this..i think i’ve found mine. i just realized that my guy has probably wanted to be with the girl he cheated on me with for so long so he acted up. and now, i personally hope they end u together.. just so i can prove to him and everyone else that he was the idiot and that i wasn’t crazy. good riddance.. and i hope he realizes what he lost.

take care of yourself
Sal