@Kris –

Would you really want to be in a relationship with a person who claims that you are not together yet sleeps with you? And then he says that you “might” get back together at some undefined point in the future? Don’t you think that you deserve some higher level of respect and mutuality?

It might seem hard after you have already broken up and got back together (I’ve been through the experience and it got worse every time), but I think you need to think a bit more about yourself here and do what is best for you. Why would you be with someone who doesn’t treat you right and doesn’t seem to care?

@Kris
I was just as confused as you are…I broke the NO CONTACT rule (several times) in the beginning. We continued to talk and have sex supposedly with no strings attached (I never ONCE in my mind thought I could/would be able to do that). I think I did it because it made me feel like things were back to normal, which I very much craved. EVEN after knowing that he was going back to his EX wife.

Our contact only made me feel so bad about myself…either he wouldn’t say what I what I wanted him to say or do what I thought he should do. I thought maybe sex would change that, it doesn’t. Not for him and not for myself. So, for all that joy that I got just being in his presence it only made me feel like garbage on the drive home. Why would someone who says they love you do that? I’m not sure, but my best guess is that he felt guilty. We did have a very strong physical attraction but HE made the choice to not be together and once that choice was made there really was no going back from that…not even sex can salvage that.

He called and sent text a couple times after I made MY CHOICE to just finally end the contact…it was hard to not respond, but, once you finally make up your mind that that moment of familiarity and comfort isn’t worth the feeling of emptiness and being degraded you’ll know what I’m talking about. Its hard moving on I’m not gonna lie…I think of him often, but, those are my memories and not a testament that we should rekindle a flame that burned out long before either of us actually said it.

Its been a little over a month without ME having any contact with him and as everyone says it does get easier with time…but, don’t let the DAYS be the issue, let your refound happiness in each day be the measure. I was so desperate trying to get the relationship back that I didn’t notice that there are so many other things in life that are also worthwhile. I just switched my focus.

A good friend told me…”Once you become a lover of WHAT IS, the war is over…” May sound corny but I repeated that to myself and every day it made more sense.

Good Luck to you.

I broke up with my girlfriend of two years and I am struggling in every way. I tried the no-contact thing and failed a few times and we ended up fooling around. She started seeing someone else very soon after we broke up (and was part of the time while we were fooling around) and it is devastating. She tells me she is still in love with me and doesn’t know if she made a mistake. She says she might want to get back together in the future, just not now. “Time will tell if it’s meant to be,” she says, which I know is bullshit and that I shouldn’t put any hope into it (but I can help doing so). I know she is stringing me along when she says this. I feel used. I feel like her backup in case things go wrong with the new guy. This is so shitty. She’s been so heartless and inconsiderate. Can anyone give any advice on how I can get my life back together? We’re both at college and I can’t focus on schoolwork, which is really making me anxious as I have a big workload this quarter. I’ve joined a few clubs but haven’t made any new friends yet. We both have a ton of mutual friends which sucks. I feel extremely alone and cry when no one’s around. I hate seeing how well she is getting along while I’m on a continuous downward spiral. How do I lift myself back up and feel better? Any advice is greatly appreciated

@Ray –
I too was in a similar situation. My girlfriend of two years broke up with me over the summer. I never saw it coming and one night she told me she no longer loved me. Needless to say I took this very hard, especially since we had been making plans together for our future. In the last four months I have made tremendous progress and I hope that what I have to share will also help you.

First and foremost, as everyone else says, you must follow the no contact rule. I like most people did not and I only got myself in more trouble. We would text a few times a week and then after 4 weeks of not seeing each other we met for dinner (we did this only because she was leaving the country for 4 months and I wanted to say goodbye). Over dinner she told me she realized she still loved me and that if she wasn’t leaving the next day we would be back together. During the next few weeks she was in constant contact with me, despite being overseas. I was ok with this since after what happened over dinner. Then I heard from a mutual friend (a best friend of hers) that she had met someone and was seeing them. It was at this point I decided to break all contact. I could not be a part of her life as a friend. Breaking contact was the best thing I could do for myself. Yes I do still miss her and wish that I could hear how she is doing, but I know that what is best for me is no contact. It is hard to do but is a must.

Once I made the decision to push her out of my life, I was able to really start my healing. I looked back to who I was two years ago before we met. Before we met I spent all of my time with friends, climbing, playing soccer, and mountain biking. I realized that I no longer did these things that I used to love so much. So I set goals and decided to become the best climber I can be. I started to focus all of my energy and thoughts into climbing. I became motivated and rediscovered a passion of mine. I discovered that I did not need her to be happy and focused on what I wanted and what made me happy.

Another key aspect of my healing was to try anything new. Like the movie Yes Man I started saying yes to everything. After the break up I had a hard time getting out. I made the decision to get myself out there. Whenever an opportunity came up I would jump on it even if I didn’t feel like it. For example, a few weeks ago I friend invited me to party I really didn’t want to go to. At first I said no, but called him back a few minutes later. I went to the party, had a great time, and even got date out of it. You never know how something will turn out, so get yourself out there.

So in a nutshell,
1. Break all Contact. You don’t need her and it is only making your life harder
2. Discover what you like to do and what makes you happy. Focus on it.
3. Get out there. Try something new, you never know how it will turn out.

I know it’s hard. It was for me for a while. You need to stay positive and know that life goes on. The pain will go away and you will meet someone new, someone better who will love you.

@stronger/hopeful

Thank u so much for ur response! I’ve been ignoring her calls/txts. Its not easy @ all! She wrote me a nasty email saying that I don’t care about her anymore and all she does is cry over me. Its kind of crazy because she’s the one at fault. I think she’s trying to make me feel bad. Well its not working, not this time!

What I have been doing is keeping busy with work and being at the gym! I also wrote out the pros and cons about her and our relationship. The cons won out by a landslide! I will have to admit, the nights when I go to bed are still difficult. I force myself to sleep. One day I hope when I’m ready, that there are still honest and loving women out there! I let this girl into my heart and got hurt at the end! I never want to go through this experience again!

@stronger –

thank you very much. it makes alot of sense.

i’ve realized that i feel empty alot of the time. like not always.. at sm points i remember him and it feels like a lifetime ago.. and it’s very strange. how do u realize that the person that was closest to u is now nobody in ur life?

i feel like he was my shoulder.. my protector. he’d always be there.. and now there’s no one. i really miss it. i know these arent excuses.. but i jst felt so safe with him.. and i trusted him.. and i loved and then there came a point where i became uncertain.. then felt unappreciated. a few yrs bak he cheated on me. i did the no contact thing for a few months.. and then forgave him. he cut contact with the other girl until this year. i guess i started to fall out of love with him and became interested in sm1 else. i never dated this other person.. but i felt my feelings changing. tht’s when i realized that maybe there were more ppl out there and that he wasnt the one. when this started happening.. he found out.. and started contacting the girl he cheated on me with. so i called it quits.. because when i confronted him and said everything.. he jst lied. after i left him.. he started giving me excuses for his behavior.. like that he was having a hard time with work.. and bla bla and that he “needed her”. wth? i guess im still feeling a mixture of things. im doing alot better now.. thankfully.. im focusing and living and even taking up new hobbies! but my mind wanders smtimes.. and i feel sad. im really glad i found this site.

I recently moved to college, 2000 miles away from home and my now ex-bf. We tried to stick it out in a long distance but ultimately things didn’t work out. I became jealous of the lack of time he made for me saying that he was tooo busy and that college life (going to parties and hanging out with friends) was important (obviously it is). He wasn’t willing to take a few minutes out of his life to even send me text messages that contributed to a conversation. He wouldn’t tell me about the things he’d been up to during the day or week because I wasn’t there and it didn’t matter. Before we broke up, he said he’d become really good friends with this girl who he talked about a lot of things with (that hurt, because he wouldn’t even talk to me about a lot of things anymore) I asked if he’d ever loved me, his reply was no. But while we were dating he’d always say ‘you are’ when I’d ask if I was loved. And I’m still lost as to when he lied to me.
Over all I’m just confused and have the largest urge to contact him and ask him what’s real and what’s a lie. But I’ve managed to not contact him for over a week now and don’t want to relapse since everyone says its better to have no contact at all…

@EP –

You’re story really hit home. i was dating a guy for 5 years (as i was sayin in my previous posts). it was a long distance thing. i knew him of course from high school at first and then he had to go away for college. i stuck it out. long story short: he cheated on me, i forgave him, i stuck it out. i didnt realize the things that were missing in my relationship with him until i met sm1 else. i didnt date this other person of course but we became close. my bf found out tht i was developing feelings and i had to choose.. and i chose my 5 year bf of course and stopped talkin to this other person. then my bf came to visit and things were GREAT. we were happy and i thot all was good. when he went bak to college, as our relationship continued he began getting distant. i would try to reach out and as u said in ur post, messages became very infrequent (once a week), he wouldnt reply to some of my emails, stpped calling as much.. etc. i soon found out he was tryin to reach out to the girl he cheated on me with saying that he “needed her”. i dont knw what to do with that.

i ended things with him ( i dont understand why he kept the relationship going if he was getting distant.. and why he kept running after me after i left him till now).. i was miserable and hurt at first and i did feel like he never loved me. so far it’s been almost 6 months of no contact for me. if u dont follow the no contact rule, u will end up falling bak into the same relationship cycle/drama. stop thinkin about him because clearly this guy is a waste of time. if u put your emotions aside, you will realize that no matter what was real or fake, it will not help you now. i can’t imagine the disappointment you are in now with this guy.. but you need to try and get yourself out of these thoughts. get a sport, call up your friends, and worry about your happiness. you need to take care of you.. and once u focus all your energy on that you will b fine. keep up the good work.. tc

@Mark –

Thanks for the reply, Mark. I’m slowly in the process of moving on and your words are definitely encouraging.

One thing I’m having trouble with is finding a way to get all of my feelings out about everything that happened. In order to move on I know I have to make peace with everything, including her decision to see someone else right after we broke up, it’s just hard finding a way to do away with my anger and hurt.

Again, thanks so much for the reply

@Ray –

One way to get your emotions out is by keeping some kind of a journal – I have found it quite helpful in achieving better clarity about your own feelings. It is one thing to think, but to see your thoughts in writing can be a very insightful experience. And it has definitely helped me to release the emotional stress that builds up inside.

Best of luck,

Its been half a year since i last talked to my ex. I think ive just about moved on. Just when my life is beginning to settle down, he finds a way to contact me! I dont know what to do! Do i continue ignoring or do i tell him to back off?? Ive worked so hard to get to where i am and i dont knw why hes doing this.

@stronger –

Yeah, I’ve recently begun writing my feelings down and you’re right, stronger, it’s been a big help. This is all a very slow process but slowly each day it gets a little more manageable. I’m making changes for the better and I feel good about it. This website is godsend

@Sara -If you don’t want contact with him, ignore his attempts whenever possible. If he continues, there are legal actions you can take and you might mention this to him. If you truly want him gone, why he does what he does is irrelevant.

What is wrong with me? I was in a relationship with my ex for about 4 years. The last year was very hard on her and me. I feel guilty for not being able to be there for her 100% and truly let my love for her overcome things that bothered and concerned me. She has health problems, was unemployed for over 1.5 years, had problems finding a job in her field, difficult family health issues too and relationship issues with her mom/sibling. I didn’t have any of that in my life prior to her and it took over 9 months before she even had me visit her at her apartment (guess she was afraid of a new guy in her life). I felt guilty because I couldn’t see beyond the negative or be there for her with all her troubles. I know there were great times we shared together but I just feared the future with all the issues. Especially if we had kids and she continuing to have health issues.

Well we kept talking daily for a long time afterwards. I guess we didn’t want to let go and I was trying to still be there as her friend. We still had feeling for each other and it reared its head when we would just go out to hang out for dinner. It put us in an awkward situation when we talked about it but we didn’t really didn’t let it go on further than that but as you know it’s awkward the next morning.

I guess talking was not good because I hurt her when she found out I had moved on partially. I haven’t really had a girlfriend since her. But now I met somebody and do like her but I didn’t know how to let the other know or even stop talking to her. Guess I was so used to having an ear to listen to me and the fact she was somebody I did really care/love. Over the past months I have tried to ween myself from talking to her. I feel GUILTY for not being there for her now, she still has her issues and I guess feels that I am one of the few people (non-family or female) that truly knows her physical issues. It tears at me and at the same time I want to give and put my energies to the new woman in my life. I talked to my new girl once about my ex and she was hurt a little when I would bring her up on her struggles and me wanting to help.

It has been so long since we were a couple and I guess talking was the not good. Now I am just looking for advice. What is wrong with me? I want to be a nice guy and help all, that is how I was raised. BUT it hurts that I can’t go forward and give 100% to my new life. Why can’t I let go? I hate feeling guilty? I know I was not perfect and I know LOVE should be everything about a relationship but I just was not strong enough to overlook or not let the negativity get to me.

I guess the NO CONTACT RULE WAS BROKEN. I wish I had done that from the beginning, now it hurts like it did when we broke up.

@Don -

Thanks alot don. It doesnt make sense but i guess smtimes people do things that dont make sense. I will continue ignoring him:)

@Sara – I feel sorta bad because in rereading my reply I can imagine I may have come off a bit harsh. That was not my intention. I just believe certain situations sometimes require seemingly drastic measures.

…and your right, people don’t always make sense…even to themselves.

Good luck

@Ray -I’ve found that a good way to release is to write the entire story of your relationship from beginning to end. Be honest and leave nothing out, whether good or bad. It may seem an extensive undertaking, but if you put everything in chronological order it helps to arrange your thoughts.

Once you’ve finished you have a much clearer picture of what has happened. You also have a reference to the things you want in your next partner and the things you need to change about yourself in order to be successful in your next relationship.

I believe lost love brings us to a point in our lives where our growth potential is at it’s greatest. The pain of lost love causes us to look at things about ourselves and others that we would normally avoid, and in doing so, we awaken to an entire new world of possibilities.

Everything truly does happen for a reason. Your reason is exclusive to you, and it’s up to you to decide what it may be. Just remember…the next time around, and it’s sure to happen, you gotta be able to love like you’ve never been hurt.

@Don –

Just a few words in regards to what Don said in the last 2 paragraphs – I could not agree more – as painful as it is, a breakup is a great opportunity for personal growth, although this last part does require some effort on one’s part.

It’s been a couple of months for me now and everything felt very fragile in the beginning – and, still does, at times – but it has been a time for learning, of adding pieces to the picture of who i am and what do i seek in my life, what are the things that i value and how should i take care of them.

I am saying all this as a positive note to everyone here – yes, our circumstances may be very different, but in the end of the day, if you recognize the self-knowledge potential following your breakup, you can really go far. Don’t postpone the healing process, it can be one of the most important lessons in your life and you will find it applicable later on, in many respects, not only relationships-wise.

I am trying the no contact rule but it is so hard, at first i would give in and tell him to not be a stranger. But than i would change my mind and tell him its better off we don’t contact. I know its confusing him, but our lives are so intwine! He’s ever where I go because of our mutual friends I don’t want to drop friends just because of him.

Our break up is a very complicated one too. No one cheated, lied, or anything to make me angry or upset. It was because of the situation… he is unemployed, and currently has no place to stay (he is staying with his friends). and he wants to get his life together, because he feels he can’t be there 100%.

he says he wants to go places with me, go on vacation and do all the fun stuff with me (because thats what we did before he was unemployed) but he can’t and it kills him that i have to pay for everything.

But than he doesn’t want to be in a relationship.

it confuses the hell out of me because if you can’t be with someone at your worse what does that tell you?? hes 23 so hes still a little immature.

My girlfriend and I split in April after four years. We lived together and the first month after she told me she wanted to split was spent with me staying with a friend. She sent very mixed messages (Asking if the door was open if she realised she’d made a mistake, telling all our friends she wasn’t sure she’d done the right thing) but she moved out in May, telling me that she loved me with all her heart. We entered a weird phase for two months; we were split, but “in negotiation” to see if we could work things out. Unsurprisingly, all the communication was one way. After two months of this I told her that I wasn’t happy that she was engaging with the process and that I wanted something positive, either way.

She told me that she couldn’t see a way back, so I withdrew. A week later she takes me out to lunch and apologises for being so stubborn. She explained that she had been stressed, let things get on top of her and instead of talking, she bottled things up. She said that, once she had moved out, she felt that she’d made her bed and that was that. She said she could only see a future with me and that she wanted us to be together.

So I agreed. We agreed we would make a real concerted effort to resolve the problems we had. She then promptly buried herself in work.

We booked some time off together, only for me to find that she had booked a 3 day holiday with her work buddies at the end of our time off. She didn’t tell me, I found out from another person, in fact when I asked her, she denied it. I went ballistic.

That was two months ago. Immediately afterward I was in a state of shock, I wanted to be friends straight away. We met up to go shopping and had lunch and it was all very close.

I went on holiday alone and cleared my head. I came back and cut off contact, telling her that I needed time to heal.

I moved into a new place and some mutual friends came around for drinks. She texted me all hurt that she hadn’t been told or invited. We were all supposed to be going skiing, mostly my family, but also mutual friends, for christmas. I told her that she couldn’t come and she was put out.

She’s contacted my sisters, wishing them happy birthday and expressing the hope that they can catch up for drinks. My sisters don’t hold grudges, but they aren’t impressed with her for lying to me and quite clearly messing with my head.

She owes me some money and I feel that she should pay it back. I reminded her by text last week and she still hasn’t paid it, even though she promised she would.

I can’t figure her out. It’s over, but it’s like she wants to pick and choose elements of us that she wants to maintain.

What’s my best course of action?

wow i really glad to see these comments because they are helping me alot. i too was in a long distance relationship for about 6 months, where it broke off a week ago at first everything was perfect he was the gentleman of all time open doors took me to meet his mom even called up my mom to meet her. it turn out 3 months after our last visit he started acting differently calls were less, emails etc. then he call me up saying that the relationship is not going to work and he thinks we should just be friends. this is my first love so i must say it cuts like hell i try the no contact rule but he does seem to call at the right time to say hi. i dnt know wat to do because i believe there is something he must be not telling me as to y the relationship wont wrk. at times i wish we would get back together and at times i just want to grow stronger. i knw ill be visiting his country in a couple months cuz thats where i am from originally and he might want to get back and im scared i may not be strong enough to resist. I AM SO HURT AND CONFUSED.

@sexyt –

i too was in a long distance relationship that started out wrong.. and went wrong along the way. the things i learned were that long distance relationships may work out for some, but if it isnt right from the beginning, it sure wont get any better later.

not only is the distance bad enough, but if you too aren’t strong enough to make it work.. it just wont.

i too went through what you went through, only it was alot longer and painful. about 4 yrs of long distance (where we saw eachother 2wice a year if we were lucky when he visited), a really rough beginning, a sorta bittersweet middle, and an ending that was almost right, but that went horribly wrong. the last thing that happened was that he was here, a year ago, things were perfect. i felt slightly unsure bout him bcs the long distance thing was taking too long n i didnt knw where we both were headed and who we’d meet and things were unstable smhow. his calls became less, emails less, everything became less… even tho i tried reaching out n talking n asking what was wrong.. a lack of communication and long distance is a recipe for disaster.

in my opinion, this person may have been great, but didn’t give u a reason as to why he broke up with you. i think u deserve a reason.. but u may not get it. he was ur first love, and it hurts like hell.. bcs my long distance partner was my first love.. and i knw what tht’s like. fact is, you need to try to move on. he may love you, he may ask to get back with you, he may try contacting you numerous times, but by the looks of it you still have “hope”. get rid of the hope, get rid of the waiting for him, and tell him you can’t take his calls or anything. that’s the only way you’ll heal.. bcs sometimes we go through weak moments where the slightest thing (a call or email) may trigger past feelings and make us go back.. and i dont think you want an on/off long distance relationship when u could b having a real one. i knw this isnt easy, but we’re all here for you. i hope i helped. good luck!

4 nights ago i was pretty close to suicide over a my recent breakup and couldn’t see a future that didn’t include my now ex ,but thankfully i found this site .Every mistake that could be made after a breakup i did,panic governed all my decisions.But after reading the posts i realized that I’m not alone.And its helped so much, i decided no contact was the only way this will work and after only a few days I’m starting to feel better.And of course just when I do I receive a message this morning from my ex which includes some quite obviously carefully concocted lies to get me to help her.NO I SEZ not this time not again not ever.I’ve come to realize (with the help of this sites community ).That in a breakup it becomes a game of strength and who can find the most of it.Well I’ve managed to find a huge amount here and within.

thank you everyone

Hi there,

I wrote my original post on 21/08/09 and wanted to update you guys on some do’s and don’ts when the ex is still in such close proximity.

Firstly I found it impossible to follow the no contact rule as I work with my ex in a foreign country where our mutual group of friends consist of around 10 ex-pats. Eddie wrote a great e-mail on how to deal with things at work with an ex and for the first few weeks it provided some comfort.

Problem is I needed answers and I wasn’t convinced my ex really wanted to break up – I felt that work pressures had taken its toil and that she hadn’t given our relationship a chance because of them. I felt that when she went home for Xmas last year she’d switched off when she came back to cope and that if we could somehow reignite that spark we could get back together.

To cut a very long story short the relationship had just run its course and it was no-one’s fault but in the interim I’ve made every mistake in the book and had my hopes dashed a number of times. We’ve shared a bed once (no sex), we’ve got drunk together, smoked together and its clear to me she just wants her close friend around but doesn’t want to go further. Its a huge imbalance and its delayed the healing process.

I feel I’m getting somewhere now and the main reason I think this is because I started a journal and from time to time I re-read the entries to see how stupid my behaviour was and how caught up I was in her providing me with my happiness. I now know that’s down to me and me alone and regaining independence is key but I still have days when I regress and wish for her back.

I’ve exercised more, I started to cook more, I’ve gone to more language lessons, read the Secret and the Alchemist and even tried therapy for the first time in my life. I’ve gained something from all of that and feel I have my strength back, I feel the weight of this last year has gone and I now realise that I wanted her so badly because I’m isolated and lonely and she was the closest thing I could find here to a perfect partner.

She’s been supportive, although with her own needs in mind, and after I send her an e-mail is keeping more of a distance from me. I don’t intend giving up my life and career over her so had to adapt the break-up rules to survive. I think I will and by regulary staring into the abyss I find that I actually like who I am, am proud of what I’ve achieved and know in my heart the right girl will come my way.

Today I’m having a medium low day so came back to the site for support and saw so many people in different stages and circumstances so I thought I’d pass on an update.

For those who’ve avoided the mistakes I’ve made, I applaud you and respect your strength. For those that have made mistakes – don’t worry about it, just try to make less each week and I promise it will start to get better. I didn’t believe that back in August but I believe it now. I’m still constantly battling to take my own advice but I like who I am becoming and actually excited about the future.

Take care and be strong

J

@blark –

hello blark,
i have a story very much like yours,it’s abit uncanny :p i made a long comment about it in the subject “mistakes to make after breakup”. perhaps you’re not looking up this site anymore, but if you are I’m very interested to hear how things have progressed for you, and maybe even get some tips if you’re willing. i’m going through a break up for the first time and it’s horrible, especially since i think circumstances ended the relationship, not because we don’t fit together. i would really want to make the relationship work, but there are some dysfunctions for sure. i also think that is one subject this site is missing.
i hope all is well with you. hope to hear from you

I am at day 8 in my dissapointment and feeling lost and somewhat in disbelieve but learing to accept it’s over!
The comments and encouragement from everyone are so helpful.
Thank you for sharing. I felt alone with my feelings and having a difficult time trying to understand “how your relationship can go from being great to your significant other walking away from you or giving up on you/relationship for being selfish of your time.” I sacrificed myself to return to school during this bad time/economy and my ex was supportive at first and became very selfish and blaimed me for not having any time for the relationship.
Is it possible? The praying and learning to move for my best interest is my focus but very hard to do with constant reminders of the good memories we have built within the last year. The holidays is the hardest part.

Originally Posted By StephanieI feel kinda bad that most of the post on here seem like they are from the younger people and I’m 33yrs old. I feel like alot of these things I should’ve learned a long time ago…BUT, here I am, starting over again…When I read the quote…”I don’t miss HIM, I miss who I thought he was…” I knew that this site was going to be a lifesaver because THATS what hurt, the thought that all these dreams I had built in my head were now going to not come true and I didn’t know why…so I think I mourn the loss of that ALOT more than the actual person…

Totally agree – I’m 33 too and learnt after a month of trying to convince with my girlfriend she was number 1 (she was under the impression I didnt care for her) shes been seeing another chap. I found out from a text FROM HIM, and believe me his text was probably the most nastiest thing I hav ever read. It didnt help with her texting me an insult too at the same time. It took me by complete surprise and shock. Was this girl the same person who I’d been initmate and was SURE she was my life partner. This girl even had text me a few days before asking for us to meet up as she missed me chronically and wanted to see me.

It just proves that I the saying as above:

“I don’t miss her, I miss who I thought she was…” IS SO POIGNANT and true.

Still doesnt take the hurt away. I still love her dearly, but what she text me with her new boyf was unforgivable.

One thing to remember people is that things do get better (having been here before)

…just be strong, have pride in yourself and just look forward to when you fall in love again. I know it doesnt seem like it could possibly happen ever again with someone new – but IT DOES. And whats great about life is you wont know HOW or WHEN it will happen. It could happen at anytime, any place.

Just keep being sociable and down cut yourself off from life outside.

I’m in day 4 of knowing shes seeing another guy. It kills me. First gal Ive ever had who was so similar to me. We got on so well it was unreal.

I’ve at last started to sleep (kinda) and today I’ve eaten my first bit of food. Her presents for her birthday and xmas have now been relogated to my garage as I’m sick of seeing them (especially after all the effort I put into them)

One thing you’ve all got to learn ….you are in control of your life – dont waste it. Let no-one convince/ you otherwise. I will try to remind my self of this every day.

Iam in the 30th day of my NO CONTACT RULE..he broke his by calling me on XMAS..this is a partnership that has ended after 35 yrs together, 25 of those, married..This was is first time he cheated..and i was devastated..I feel “empty’ not alone..it is so painful. specially at my age..Iam 55 and he is 50…the Other Woman, is 46, single mother of 3 teenagers..where they met?..of all places..a AA meeting..he has been sober for 8 yrs, and she just has been ‘rescued’ from a suicide attempt, from a crack Overdose..Yes! is a TRUE STORY..in as much i want this to be a nightmare..is NOT…he is now living with her. after i threw him out..for cheating and not using a Comdom! at his age, he put everyone’s life in jeopardy..Its an awful feeling waiting for those test, by yourself…But i was spared..Iam ok so far..i still have 6 months to go..until i could feel safe…I thank for all these websites and places i can come to heal, and cry 24/7 without no people around..

Thank You all for being here…as you can see, just when i though i had survived with him, the worst years, here comes this, and my Golden years we had planned together, crumbled in matter of minutes..Please Pray for me, i dont have too many years ahead, or a whole life ahead of me, I spend half of my life, loving this man..and I still do….any suggestions???..all is welcome…a cyber hug or a feedback from any of you young people out there is welcomes…

I pray for all of us..we heal soon…so we can get up, and start living again…

I’m agreeing with all the no contact stuff – but I’m stuck.

On-off relationship of six years finally off as he has gone back to his ex-wife (after seven years – split nothing to do with me) for the sake of their family, apparently. I’m feeling all the pain, wanting ‘closure’, furious, disbelieving. Also angry as it’s being positioned as he loves me but has to do this as ultimately family means more to him.

However, he owes me money. £1500. Not so much I can’t lose it – but enough that I don’t want to contribute to his new life (OK – so I’m human!) I’ve explained I need not to be in contact with him and so asked either for the debt to be cleared, or for a clear repayment plan so that I have no excuse to contact him and vice versa.

But he just keeps being vague… He says I will get the cash and he will do his best to get it to me soon. I’m tempted now just to hand it over to the courts and let them do the asking so I can cut free – but it’s also tempting to keep things as is so we can be in touch.

Any thoughts?
(Other than that he’s a piece of work… but I think i’ve worked that out myself now.)

What do I do if he won’t quite let me break contact?

He split with me two days ago – after an on-off relationship of six years. He’s going to try to make a go of it with his ex-wife for the sake of family (they’ve been apart for seven years – I thought she was happily married to someone else with a three-year-old daughter as well as his son).

Apparently he loves me but loves family more (he’s always been there for his son). Not the most helpful reason – particularly when he’s also suggesting it probably won’t work. I’m sleepless, without appetite, in pain, angry… obviously I want ‘closure’. But I can see the sense in no contact.

But… he owes me money. I’ve asked either for the settlement of the debt or a repayment plan – explaining that for my dignity and recovery I need to have no reason to contact him now and vice versa. But he’s just being vague and saying that he’ll try to get it to me and that I will get it at some point. In truth, i could afford to lose the money (£1500) but (a) I’m not big enough to make a contribution to his new life, and (b) think that this still leaves the door open to communication (and/or further rejection).

Is handing it over to the courts (after maybe a month to see what happens) appropriate?

Any thoughts?

Apologies if two versions of this post appear – even the forum seems to be rejecting me today!

My ex and I of 2 years broke up 4 times in last 6 months. We tried the lets-be friends thing and it didn’t work out. So on 15 December I told him that this was it, It’s over I can’t keep going back and forth. He wanted to keep contact but I insisted on a clean break. It’s been 17 days since and each day I feel a little stronger. I’m discovering myself again and I’m excited at the prospect of everything that is out there for me to explore. I have put all my energy into my family and myself – I love me again. I’m even planning a trip with some gilrfreinds next month. Because we know alot of the same people I heard that for Christmas he took another girl home (hardly 10 days since we broke up). Then I heard they are item, have been intimate. What breaks my heart the most is that I never expected this behaviour from him. I thought I knew him. Therapist says it’s to be expected, boys move on much quicker than girls and for them its more a physical thing than anything else and in all probability he is using her to forget about me. I have kept to the know contact rule for the last 5 days, since I found out about the girl (replied to his texts before then). Then on New Years Eve he send me this text saying he will never stop loving me, that should we meet people we shouldn’t compare them to what we had. He says he really loves me & no one comes close to me. That he misses me. I had to use every ounce of energy in my body to NOT reply to him. Why does he say these things to me, especially when he already has someone else in his bed. Why won’t he let me just go? I don’t think he knows that I know about him and new girl. I don’t plan on replying to his text but it’s really hard. I do miss him, not enough to want him back but enough for it to hurt.

@Makkie –

My situation is very similiar to yours and my heart is broken. My boyfriend of 5 years dumped me 3 months ago. It was devastating but I have great friends and family and they helped me a lot to get through it. I still thought of him a lot, especially over the holidays. He’s always texting me to see how I am (i think he just wants to know what’s going on in my life) Anyway I barely replied to his texts and I just wanted no-contact, it definitely helped but everytime he texts me, I take a couple of steps back.
I thought I was doing ok until I found out he has a new girlfriend, he said he started seeing her 3 weeks after we broke up but I think it was going on while we were together. I was utterly devastated to hear this. I cried all day and I still haven’t been able to eat. I thought that even though he ended things, the fact that we were together for 5 years, I would still be important to him and that he would respect my feelings. I thought he was struggling to get over the break up as well. I knew he would move on but I was not prepared for him to do it so fast. He also brought this girl home to meet his folks and siblings just a few weeks after we broke up. When I found this out it was like a knife through my heart.
How do I get over this? I am right back to square one!

What you do if you are the god father of her sister’s child and share pets together?

@Ck –

@ CK.
The first thing you need to remember is ” A RUBBER DUCK ALWAYS LOOKS FORWARDS” – It sounds really corny, I know. But just indulge me please. We need to be stronger than ever now, and I know you feel like you are at your lowest but you are much much more stronger tthan you realise and I promise you will be ok!! No matter what happens a rubber duck always looks forward and essentially that is what we need to do, we need to look forward, no matter what happens to us. Yes, it hurts like crazy, it feels like he has taken all the time you spent together and flushed it down the loo. Look at this situation and control what you can. You can control how you feel, how you react to the situation, you can control your actions. On the other hand you have no control over him, his actions, his decisions, how he feels or how he reacts and especially for this reason you NEED TO LET GO OF THE VARIABLES you cannot control and those are all the things that he does. He is making the choice to do it so let him deal with it.
I’m going to say it again, boys move on much quicker than we do and it probably helps to distract them. There is NOTHING wrong with you, you are perfect the way you are.
Babe you are not back to square one, yes, it’s a setback but you will get over it. If anything this is exactly what you need to be happy again. There comes a point in all the heartache when you just feel ENOUGH, I had that moment when I found out about the other girl. I just thought ENOUGH, I’m moving on now. I’m making a decision to live my life and to be Happy. I know I did all I could when we were in the relationship, I gave 100% and for this reason I can walk away knowing I did my best and move on. I don’t hate him, I’m dissapointed with the way he handled the situation, been with someone so soon after but again that is his choice. I am Thankfull for the time we had together, we had lots of special moments, fun times and amazing memories. I try not to think about him often and when I do think about the good times, smile and then think of something else. You have to start putting all your energy and focus on you. Spend more time with the important people in your life and love yourself. I’m planning a holiday with girlfriends in mid Feb and everytime I catch myself thing about him and her I literally tell myself to STOP THESE THOUGHTS & SWITCH over to thoughts of my upcoming holiday and how grwat it’s going to be. there is so much out there for us to explore and to do. Don’t beat yourself up, maintain the no-contact even though it can be really hard. You will have good days and bad days and it’sok to cry but the important part is to get up after the bad day and the crying and to smile and move on. I miss him enough for it to hurt but not enough for me to want him back. I promise you will be ok. We are all here.

@Makkie

Thanks for your response, everything you said is so right! I was doing well until I found out about his new girlfriend but if I can get through the last 3 months and feel good then I know I will get over this too. It just felt like a huge step backwards but I’ll climb back up to the top of the mountain again! I’m lucky I have a positive attitude. I definitely did my crying for this guy. I suppose you cannot switch off 5 years of feelings over night and I need to accept that while I might still feel a connection to him, he doesn’t feel that way about me anymore, as much as that really hurts but maybe it’s the realization I needed to move forward with my life.
The one thing I am struggling with at the moment is the no-contact. We were texting each other yesterday. I think he had a fight with his new girl, I don’t know if it had anything to do with me but I get the feeling that it did. I suppose she will not be impressed that he is still in contact with me. I felt sorry for him. I don’t blame this girl at all, I feel a bit sorry for her too but she is aware that he just came out of a 5 year relationship, is anyone really fully ready to move on straight away into something new?
I don’t think I am, I am going to take time to enjoy myself, just like you recommended. I went on a holiday in November with my girlfriends and it was fantastic, really good to help me get over the break up. What happened a few days ago was a massive shock that I wasn’t prepared for but I think I’ll bounce back ok. I know I should have no contact with my ex but I find it very difficult, I have a curiousity to know what is going on in his life now and I know this is wrong. It’s like I know everything I should do but trying to get myself to do that is the hard part!!

Please Help! My Ex called me last night, I answered. I knew I shoudn’t have. I feel like I’m back square one. He said he wanted to hear my voice and before he put down he said it was nice talking to me and to take care. On new years eve he sent me a text telling me he will never stop loving me & that no one will come close to me and that we shouldn’t compare others to what we had. He told me how much he really loved me and that he misses me. I didn’t reply, then he called last night. It was almost as if all the things he was saying was to spite me because I didn’t reply to his text. He doesn’t know that I know about him and new girl and indirectly he said someone asked him if he would take another girlfriend and he said he would, that life goes on and that he is ok and that he is a Happy person. Just when I feel I have it all together he makes it all come crashing down. He said he would put all my stuff together that’s at his house and will bring it to work. Then when I told him to let me know when he does so that I can bring all his stuff on the same day he got mad at me and said it’s not an “exchange” and I shouldn’t make things ugly between us. But that is exactly what it is, an excahnge. I really don’t want to see him, talk to him. A freind told me I’m been unreasonable saying I want to cut him out of my life. But why can’t I, he is already with someone else. I can’t be his friend. I don’t knw how to look at him knowing he is and has been with someone else and still lying to me about it. Why does he tell me he wants to email me and call me. Why won’t he just leave me alone and be with this girl. Why is he making it so damn hard!!!!

@Makkie –

You are definitely not back to square one! You are a strong person Makkie, I can tell from your posts. He is the one who is confused and he is playing mind games with you. He wants to keep the lines of communication open. Just because you don’t doesn’t make you wrong. It is completely your decision whether you want to keep in touch with him. If you think that it is best for you not to keep in touch then stick to your guns. Don’t let ANYONE tell you what to do, do what is best for you!

With regards the ‘exchange’, you are right it is an ‘exchange’ so don’t feel bad about describing it like that. If you feel you are not up to seeing him face to face then maybe get a sibling or a friend to go in your place to give him his stuff.

Also I think you showed your strength by not telling him that you knew about the other girl. I didn’t have that strength when I was dealing with my ex, I wanted to know all the gory details! In a way you did the right thing because you are probably better off not knowing about it. She is just a distraction to him, if he was really into her he wouldn’t be telling you the things he is. At the same time he’s trying to string both of you along and that’s not fair either.

Keep being strong, you have made it this far. I know how difficult it is because I am dealing with the exact same thing at the moment. There will be good days and bad days but you will get through it and you will come out stronger at the other end. Also there’s a lovely guy out there that will be glad you didn’t stay friends with your ex!

@Ray –
Ray, I recently and still am going through a horrible breakup. Brief story…..my girfriend of 8 years moved to florida with me 4 years ago for a job i had. We had our ups and downs like everyone. We live in key largo, which is a very small town. She moved out October 1st and said that it would be best for us and that we would appreciate each other more, etc… So, with proposal in mind I decided that i was going to save up for a ring. Two weeks later, i walked to her house (Which is three streets down) and caught her making out with some other guy, whom she had met at the bank she work at. I was devastated. Never cried so hard in my whole life and occasionally still do. So there is one road through the island and i have to pass her place everyday. She never gave me any closure whatsoever, and I have to see this new guys car in her driveway every day. As of last night, it’s been there overnight and in the morning. Being that, I have reached a point where i don’t call her anymore, text or email. I hate her at this point. I can’t udnerstand how someone you thought cared about you so much can just hop right into another relationship so quickly, and it wasn’t even in her nature to act like that. She was very sweet, honest, caring, etc… However, my point is, we never really know anyone, ever. Only ourselves. And even that can be fickle at times. I know how hard it is to concentrate while you are going through this but you will eat, breathe, sleep and smile again. It’s been three months for me, and only two weeks since i last ran into her and spoke briefly. In no way am I over her but I’m at a point to where I don’t want to swallow a gallon of bleach. It comes and goes, ebbs and flows and you just have to go along for the ride. That’s all you can do. My ex strung me along for the first three weeks after catching her with ths guy yet still saw his car there all the time. Don’t let this happen to you. It’s bullshit and she is using you for backup and comfort. DOn’t give her that comfort. You are empowering her to be with someone else by even acknowledging her. I broke the no contact rule at least a thousand times, as recent as last night via email (a real shitty one), but it’s getting easier and the emails are becoming less frequent. She no longer responds to my emails, texts, or calls which is good i guess. Fact is, you are now second place to someone you have put first. You are a backup plan. You are comfort for her when she needs it. Basically, you are a stepping stone. My girlfriend was probably the hottest girl I’ll ever have in my life and as shallow as this sounds, kills me! She was just a trophy. And trophies go on shelves. I’ve seem to improve from girfriend to girlfriend over the years but i don’t know if she can be topped. At some point, her looks won’t matter to me anymore, nor her once thought of kindness. She only reminds me of pain, hurt, and ugliness now. We were best friends for 11 years and dated 8. So, just remember you aren’t the only one that is going through this and it slowly slowly slowly gets better. Outta sight, outta mind. Adhere to that. Hang out with friends, get out of your place as much as possible without risking your gpa. Stay away from her and act like nothing bothers you if you do see her. If you bring another girl around and she sees you, she will flip out and go into panic mode, just as you are in right now. I’m on an island where you couldn’t put a full set of teeth together if you rounded up all the women here. There is no pool of women here. None. So at least , hopefully you are in an area where there are plenty of women you will be able to meet, date, hang out with. Haning out with the opposite sex really helps. Even though the thought of loving another girl or dating another girl makes me sick to my stomach at this point, it’s still beneficial to get close to a few. You need to not talk to her at all anymore. Let her realize what she lost. I made the mistake of making myself too available and too friendly and screwed myself. She now has a better looking boyfriend, who works for his parents hotel and stands to inherit quite a bit of money. BUT, if she were to move back home like she wishes to do, he won’t be able to find a job up north because he has absolutely no skill set. So right now, she is just doing what makes her feel good for the time being. She isn’t even thinking of me at all. So keep that in mind. She is doing what ever makes her feel good, not you. She doesn’t care about you right now because she is in her own little world, doing whatever the fuck she wants to do. Piss on her. Those types of girls are a dime a dozen. No diamond in the rough. You have plenty of time to do better whereas, I am now 32, have wasted 9 years on someone that doesn’t even care now, and i’m thrown into a nonexistent dating pool. Things could be worse. What i’ve learned from this website is that there is always someone out there who has it worse than you. But pain is pain. Heartache is heartache, no matter how long you’ve been with someone, we all feel the same way, and cry just as hard as the other. The duration, however, is up to you. Me, i’ll prolly cry another 2 or 3 years and then start dating again. But that is just my outlook now. It will change as I’m sure yours will. Keep posting on her like a journal. It helps to write it all out even if noone responds.

take care and godspeed recovery!

Joseph

@Kelvin – My heart goes out to you, about your relationship.I too was cheated on after 25 yrs of marriage, even in long term relationships, you never really get to know a person..you were ’spared’ at a young age, you will recover, specially because you seem to be a very young mature youngman..one day you will look back and see this is the best thing that happened to you because now, you will be in love with the right woman, who will bear your children and will cherish you as the mature,fine young man you will become..but today, you have all of our prayers and support.from the young to the old, heartbreak doesnt discriminate, but once yunno how to deal with such heartache, you wont let it happen so easily…
there is something good coming out of all of this for you, but only time will bring it to you…have faith..and get closer to your family..

@Ck –

Hi Ck.

Thank you, you have no idea how much I needed to hear all the things you said. You are so right. I’m much more stronger than I think. This website is a the ultimate support system. All the previous times we broke up I was the one that initiated most of the contact and now I havn’t made any contact he has been the one doing it. I think that this is rattling him., he doesn’t know what to expect and he expects me to still be after him. I agree with you, it’s not fair twhat he is doing, especially to this girl but then again she knew about our relationship and she knows he is on the rebound. I really hope he finds what he is looking for.
Thank you for kind words – I have my birthday coming up on Sunday, turning 25 so I’m planning a rather big birthday party with family and friends – the important people in my life. So at least I have something to distract me and keep my mind busy.

How are you doing?

@Makkie –

Ok only, I am having a bad week like you. I suppose ups and downs are to be expected. We aren’t going to heal our hearts overnight. It’s a process and we have to go through all the emotions, good and bad.

Happy Birthday! I hope you have a fantastic day and a party is just the thing you need. Surround yourself with the people who love you and keep a smile on your face!

Yes this website is great, it is important to talk to people who know how you feel. This is the first time I have ever suffered a broken heart and it’s so true that you don’t know how it feels until it happens to you. I have often comforted friends in the past but now I feel like I know what they were going through much better. It’s good to know that you are not alone and you must gain support and strength from everywhere you can. I think January can be a very depressing month as well, it’s so dark & cold and you have the anti-climax after Christmas. Hopefully as the days get brighter, our hearts will get brighter too! Peace and love xxxxx

Hey, can some of you guys send me your “tips” or “strategies” that you use when the ex sends texts or calls, to NOT RESPOND…

I go a month and start getting use to not communicating with him and start the process of getting on with things…THEN he will send a text or call…and I’m just tired of it. I definitely don’t feel like I felt a couple months ago but honestly who wants the constant reminder of a relationship gone bad or what COULD’VE BEEN? NOT ME, not anymore…

I just broke up with my ex-gf the 2 days after XMAS. It was one of the most heartbreaking events I have experienced in my life. The reason I say this is that we have been together for 5 years and she has been the second most serious relationship I have had. We’ve lived together for 3 years. During this time we have acquired to wonderful loving dogs and basically lived the married life with the papers. We’ve planned our future together and knew that we had wanted to get married. This some how change towards the end of 2009 without my knowledge.

How did we break up? Well, after Thanksgiving. Not sure what went through her head. But the excuse I got 2 days after Christmas was I haven’t been very responsible with finances, I haven’t applied to finish school (I have 5 classes left b4 I graduate). That night, I asked her why she has been so secretive. I knew that something was up. So I asked her frankly if she was talking to someone. Heartbreakingly, she answered she has been seeing someone for a month. This is EXACTLY 1 month after Thanksgiving (do the math). I thought to myself, how could this be? We were romantic up until Thanksgiving DAY.

Now I am in the process of moving out of our place. She wants us to share the dogs and not split them up. We have a God Son together (her sister’s son).

How can I institue the no communication rule given we have all of these obstacles?

Her family is upset with the ENTIRE situation and has been questioning her decision. I have not influenced them in any way. They have been in contact with me ever since and make plans to see me to keep our ties close for the sake of our God son.

It hurts very much until this day. Also, it doesn’t help that she found the guy she is with now on Facebook who she used to go to school with in grade school and high school. I have seen their picture together from New Years Eve. Arrgg…so frustrating and Hurtful. HELP!!!

My ex has been making more contact each week ( see post on 6/7 Jan). He text twice the last week of Dec, called me three times last week, the last been yestaerday on my birthday. Yesterday’s call he sang to me, wished me a Happy Birthday even made his mom & brother wish me. I was telling him about an old aunt who made a joke with me saying I should get married now because I’ve turned 25 and am on my way to the shelf:) It was meant to be funny and he got all serious and said to me “No, don’t get married now. ALl guys are not what they pretend to be”. I didn’t reply. I usually never reply to his direct or indirect comments about anything that has to do with us.
Then this morning he call me again, and asks me where I am he needs to come over quick (we work for the same company, but not same dept). He comes over, with a gift. He bought me a CD, that I always wanted. The stupid thing is he never remembered stuff like that when we were together, like what I liked, or when I said something he never really listened. He told me how nice I looked, he seemed nervous, he was talking alot. He put the CD in cutest gift box and tells me that he learned that from me. ( I have a thing for boxes, collect them). He said that I taught him these things. I told him it wasn’t necesarry to get me something but said Thank You and I hugged him and kissed him on his cheek, then he left and I heard him say “Love you”. I don’t know if it was just out of habit or if he meant it.
This is the first time I have seen him since the 21st December. He has already been seen another girl has been a week after we broke up. I know I’m strong but everytime he makes contact it hurts and it isn’t nice. I have told him before I can’t be his friend.
I’m going on with my life, I really have. I have put all my energy into my family, friends and people who are important, spending time with them and buliding on those relationships. I go out more, planning a roadtrip with friends in Feb but this is making it harder. I take a step back each time he makes contact. I don’t know how to tell him to just leave me alone.

this site helps. reading everyones heart wrenching stories.
i was with a man for 3 years, i met him with no job, knew his past consisting in and out of jail, a babys mom, no car and thugged out friends. i fell for his shyness and the way he wasnt all over me. i didnt care he had no job or car or a kid he didnt take care of i was more excited about having someone be available to me. time went on n the first lie came and then the second, the second lie was bad, tried to cover it up involving his family, might i add he was 26.i paid, i drove and i heard everyone tell me hes a loser i can do better but i fell in love with him, hard. i lost myself, gained weight, became paranoid. he lied to be with his friends and wouldnt answer my calls. i finally left once for a month and i went back because he cried to me and begged hed be a changed man.
it never changed, the only thing that cxhanged was how long it took for him to break me down with the games. i couldnt sleep or eat. it took so much of me to finally let go. he calls me every two weeks at work bec i changed my number and even blockd him from my email.

i feel lonely, i cried once but i tried to date and i couldnt feel attraction or chemistry. i keep googling how to mend a broken heart but everyone has been thru it, been over and moved on and gone back but i gree the no contact rule is the best way to go.

ive lost weight, and im not as stressed. i must admit i miss him in the back of my mind but then i realize i miss who i thought he was.

i think back and wonder why i didnt love myself enough to date someone with a goals and self respect and morals.

I MUST SAY..AFTER READING ALL THESE POSTS.I FEEL A WHOLE LOT BETTER.ME AND MY BOYFRIEND WERE TOGETHER FOR AYEAR AND 9 MONTHS.IN THE BEGINNING WE WERE GOOD.BUT THA PAST 6 MONTHS HAVE JUST BEEN NOTHING BUT DRAMA.SO FINALLY I SAID WE NEED TO KALL IT OFF BECAUSE I NEEDED TO WORK ON ME.HE WAS OKAY AT FIRST.UPSET BUT IT WASNT THIS BAD.A COUPLE OF DAYS AFTER THT ME AND HIS MOM GOT INTO REALLY BAD AND NOW ITS LIKE IM STUCK.HE DOESNT WANT TO TALK TO ME AT ALL.YET HE STILL SAYS HE LOVES ME.WE BOTH HAD OUR FAULTS AS FAR AS INFIDELITY.BUT I THOUGHT WE WERE BOTH OVER THT HUMP.I WAS HAVIN DIFFICULTY BECAUSE I LOVE HIM AND IM STILL IN LOVE WIT HIM.AND HE SAYS HE STILL LOVES ME.BUT US NOT BEING TOGETHER IS SOMEWHT OF A UP/DWN SITUATION.I MISS HIS SMILE AND BODY AND JUST HIS SOUL IN GENERAL.BUT HE’S BEEN SAYING SOME MEAN THINGS TO TURN IT ALL AROUND ON ME.NOT TALKING TO HIM IS HARD BUT I DEAL WIT IT BECAUSE I HAVE NO CHOICE!BUT ITS HARD COMING HOME AND NOT HAVING HIM THERE TO HOLD ME.I JUST DNT KNW HOW TO FEEL SOMETIMES??

‘i think back and wonder why i didnt love myself enough to date someone with a goals and self respect and morals’

@Vanessa it’s not too late to meet someone like you have described above! Now you know what you are looking for in a partner, love yourself and you will find someone to love you too for everything that you are worth. It sounds like this guy was taking advantage of your good nature and your love for him. You deserve better, be strong!

@Makkie
It’s a tough one, I don’t know what to say. You are doing everything right, stick to it. I am using you for inspiration because I have been in contact with my ex nearly every day this last week. Today was the first full day of no contact in a while, it’s a start but I need to keep it up. I suppose it all depends on how you feel about ur ex. I definitely think I still have feelings for mine, so for me it’s agony wondering what he’s doing at every moment, wondering what is going on with him and the new girl, wondering if he’s thinking about me at all….notice my thoughts are all concentrated on him! It’s like I have lost myself and my own purpose. I have a hollow pain in my chest, I can’t shake it.. I know everyone says it will get better but I wish I could flash forward in the future and see myself happy and know that I will get there……the journey there is not easy at all…….

@Ck –

Hi ck.

It’s normal for most of your thoughts to be about him now. Have you spoken to him today?
Try if you can to keep up to the “NO CONTACT”. And you will see each day it gets a little better and you think about him a little less than the day before. I’m honoured that you would think of me as inspiration and that thought alone gives me strength, Thank you!! If you haven’t yet, try reading THE SECRET, it helps alot with thought control and positive thinking. It won’t be the same, but you will figure it out.

I’m definitely not out of the woods but I’m really starting to get on with things…this website, time and everyones stories have helped (and continue to help) when I think I’m going to go crazy…I hear myself in so many of your stories….here are some things I’ve learned…

1. I had to finally admit to myself that it was OVER. Sounds simple but I was so consumed with the WHY, WHO, WHERE, WHAT and HOW that I was keeping him and the relationship alive in my mind. Once I finally got REAL about the relationship ending, man, it was a GIGANTIC weight off of me. I didn’t need to know answers anymore, I just needed to realize it was OVER. It was freeing not waiting for answers anymore.

2. I had to turn the mirror on myself and see what part I played in our relationship ending. I thought because I didn’t cheat I didn’t do anything wrong. But, I’ve now realized that there are things within myself that ALLOWED some of his behaviors and even looked past some things that now seem obvious. Whether you get therapy with professional help or some deep soul searching-it helps. I learned that when our relationship ended it made me feel not good enough…SO, whenever he would call/text/email I would be ALL too happy to respond because in some twisted way it validated that I was GOOD ENOUGH (I know it sounds crazy). But, we all know that after the call/text/email ends, you’re still left with that emptiness/longing/confusion. I repeated this cycle over and over again, but, not anymore. Now, when I think of calling or emailing I ask myself…”what would the GOOD ENOUGH Stephanie do?…” Then I just adjust my focus and keep going on with things.

3. I finally realized how me dwelling on things was hindering me from moving on really. I literally sat at home and work daily bogged down with bad thoughts about this guy and wishing for his unhappiness! But, I had to realize he is human and has a right to be in a or any relationship that he wants and if its NOT with me, I have to accept that and wish him well. And we have the right to be treated in a way that we need, so, he will have to accept that I won’t be accepting anymore contact. But, at the end of the day, me wishing for his unhappiness was only securing my own.

Its funny-yesterday I was planning a trip around mothers day which is only like 4 months away and I thought to myself…”its almost been a year since I’ve been ‘with’ him…” And IM STILL ALIVE!

It does get better.

@Makkie
I have read all your posts and even i do feel like taking inspiration from you. I want to be that strong to start the No Contact thing now. My story in short is I met my boyfriend on a social networking site and then we got along very well. We had this very intimate relationship though we could never meet each other physically. We stayed in different countries. We proclaimed ourselves to be soulmates and all that usual lovers would do. I had a secret about me which i dint tell him, which wouldnt really change much of the feeling. Though it changed my physical ‘face’ for him. He backtracked in a day and we headed for a breakup. It was quite shocking to me as i didnt really expect things to turn this way. I reasoned him about the secret and he agreed it was inevitable for me to hide certain things, but still he dont want to carry on the relationship. I was left to myself and tried thinking ways to accept his decision. However there was a planned visit to him that came up after breakup. This visit was planned during our happy days when we desperately wanted to meet each other. I decided to meet him for the last time coz of the beautiful relationship that we shared. I was in his town for 5 days and i met him thrice though we planned to meet only once. I would say it was again a very nice time spent together. We acted like friends and he took good care of me. His behaviour was quite confusing at times. He would do special things and then when we talk later he would act distant. Like he asks me for a hug and then later when i talk of leaving the town he would say ‘Everything happens for good and we should not repent’. I have come back to my country, with a very confused mind. But reading this article I feel I know what the problem is. Am a dumpee and so I do lookout for signs. We still talk/IM now, but one wrong word from him ruins the whole day of me. It has even started affected my career which had been so important to me. I wanna forget everything and start this No contact thing for myself. I love myself and i need to do good to myself. I have started taking up outdoor games, talking to my family and friends. Have deleted my social networking id, removed contacts from my list and would change my contact no soon. I hope i would be able to make it.