How does the “Dumper” feel during No Contact?
What psychological effect does this have on them?
Why do we even want to know?
The answer is, of course, because we secretly hope that they realize that they’ve made a terrible mistake, contact us, and get back together with us again.
But is this the real reason we went No Contact in the first place?
No.
At least, it shouldn’t be.
But these questions are legit, as the answers can enable us to counteract possible contact attempts by our Ex.
Going No Contact with an Ex may very well push their buttons.
The Psychology Behind No Contact
The real purpose of the No Contact Rule is to get YOURSELF back … not your Ex.
While most people already know how important the rule is for their recovery, they nonetheless look for loopholes to break it.
The truth is — and I’ve been preaching this for over 12 years — that following the rule is an essential precondition to healing from a breakup or divorce.
The problem with this rule is that we do not recognize its necessity right at the beginning of the breakup. We only begin to understand after we’ve had bad experiences with “being friends” with them.
Why do we aspire to stay friends with our Exes, even though we sense that it’s bad for us?
(MORE: No Contact Rule After a Breakup: The Definitive Guide)
Let’s examine this further by looking at the psychological effect No Contact has on “Dumpers” and “Dumpees” :
1. Psychology of the “Dumpee”
The Dumpee wants to stay friends for the obvious reason:
They don’t want to lose their Ex.
If they can’t be with them as romantic partners, then why not as friends? This way, they'll be still around.
The secret (often subconscious) hope is that they can turn everything around and get back together again.
If this is your motivation, then I’m sorry, I have BAD news for you:
It doesn’t work this way.
You really don’t want this, for various reasons:
- The Dumpers WILL treat you as a friend! Are you really prepared for that?
- They may take advantage of you for occasional sex without commitment (this is especially the case for male Dumpers).
- You will have expectations they certainly can’t fulfill: You love them, but your Ex doesn’t return the feeling.
- You will continuously be looking for “signs” that there is still a chance (this will destroy you in the long run).
- It will prolong, if not prevent, your healing.
Let’s take a look at the Dumper. Why would they want to stay friends or still in contact?
2. Psychology of the “Dumper”
The Dumper will test your determination.
The Dumper wants to stay friends for nearly the same reasons as the Dumpee, only their motivation is different:
- They often want you around because they also don’t want to lose you.
- They want you as a safe fallback if something goes wrong in their lives (if their new girl/boyfriend dumps them unexpectedly).
- Some want you for occasional sex.
- They want to make it “easier for you” (which, of course, backfires).
- They want to be around to “help” you.
Cutting off contact with the Dumper often triggers a “reaction,” because it means that the Dumpee takes back their power. They are signaling that they don’t want to be dependent anymore.
Some Dumpers don’t like that and will make an attempt to get their power over them back.
This is the reason Dumpers eventually contact the Dumpee.
They are merely testing you.
But let me be clear: This is NOT what you want.
Their newly found interest for you is NOT genuine.
One of the most important prerequisites for the No Contact Rule to work is to not fall for their games of power.
What You Should Do
The best thing a Dumper can do for the Dumpee is to help them follow the No Contact Rule by proposing (and enforcing) it themselves.
It’s easier for them, anyway (because they already separated themselves emotionally during the relationship), and it will help the Dumpee a great deal.
It may be perceived as cruel and cold, but you are following an ulterior motive that will help them in the long run.
If you are the Dumpee, then make it clear to yourself that you don’t need another talk, you don’t need closure — all you need to do is accept that it’s over.
MORE: How to Get Over a Breakup: 3 Proven Secrets That Worked for Me
You will go through the different breakup stages much quicker and eventually learn all the reasons that lead to the breakup.
This, of course, hurts like hell, but ultimately, it’s better and easier for both parties.
Think about this.
Maybe for you, it’s necessary to make YOUR own experiences; perhaps you will have to learn the hard way which choice is the better one — we often learn better by making mistakes.
Either way, I don’t want you to beat yourself up.
See the decision of going No Contact with your Ex as a milestone on your way to independence and happiness. It's a path that will be bumpy at times, but ultimately, you will be proud of yourself because you’ve made it!
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
@Chris –
Hi Chris,
Actually, I had a friend who had a somewhat similar experience. In his case, his gf continued to see her to-be-ex-husband, and he found it (naturally) not a good idea, although she swore she would get a divorce soon. At that time, I told him the idea (of them being together) did not seem realistic (or healthy!) at all. But he felt very emotionally attached to her and was very willing to give her a number of second chances… to no avail, because she broke up with him on the grounds of wanting to have sex with other people. It just sounded so absurd I couldn’t believe it.
Anyway, what I am saying is, would you trust a person who cheated on you and is now dating that same person?? I know you wish to be hopeful, but don’t see how you could possibly be – not in the situation you’re having. She might continue trying to trick yo back into a relationship but it won’t be real because it won’t be guided by her sincere desire to be with you because of you – as opposed to because of some other, much more selfish reason. Bottom line is, you do deserve something way better. Give yourself the chance and let go of this. Be strong!
@Chris –
I know how you feel chris but believe me enforcing the no contact rule is the single best thing you can do.
Its not easy but anything worth it isn’t.
I started it on Saturday just past and feel so much better. My ex sent me an e-mail yesterday, i read it once then took great pleasure in deleting it without replying. You have no idea the sense of power i felt! Just keep telling youself that you have the power and deserve better. Its true what eddie says “you have to do whats best for you”.
Good luck 🙂
Im very confused……I didnt follow the rules of the break up recovery (no contact) My ex and I broke up two months ago, three days later after the break up my ex called for sex. An I gave in following that night it seemed like magically things went back to the way they were. It seemed we were back together all things went back to the way they were. we spent time together, spent the night with each other, called and texted mutually etc.
Then here recently my ex has been responding to everything with but, were not together! I asked him then why do we continue to “act ” like were together then? Recently he has been very “busy” and distant…I think he is seeing someone else… he claims we might get back together but only time will tell. should I BELIEVE him??I feel horrible and used. Its hard to get thru the day everyday. He seems like he has no feelings and is very cold hearted.
I’ve only recently mutually ended a short but passionate relationship. We had initially decided to remain friends, but what followed under that arrangement left me in confused despair. She obviously had other methods to relieve her pain, and I was caught somewhat off guard…to say the least.
I submit this letter I wrote in response. I haven’t delivered it and don’t know that I will. I post it here in hope that it may help a few in these most difficult of times.
————————————-
This is a note of healing.
I’ve done a lot of soul searching over the past few days and have come to understand that the “friends after break up” idea, while noble in concept, is undermining my ability to let go and move on.
I have loved you and I had believed that you were with me in at least a few of those moments. The time since our break has only weakened my conviction in that belief. I find it difficult to understand how someone whose heart was in the same place as mine could have possibly moved on so fast. It only seems to confirm the doubts that led to our demise. Of course only you will ever know for certain what lives in your heart, but it doesn’t seem you will be bothered to consider it. I only wish I could get to a place where it no longer matters as quickly as you have and still learn what I should from this.
For me, the shining moments we took aside to look to the future were real, as were the moments I believed we shared as true lovers. As our split will stand in testament to our failures, I wanted those few precious memories to serve as a reminder of our triumphs. I wanted to believe that although we could not be together in body, the genuine love we had briefly shared would always be united in spirit. Now I fear even my simple source of consolation in the form of a shooting star may be lost.
Please know that I would still always like to think of you as a friend. Right now though, I don’t want to know what you are doing or not doing. I don’t need to know how your day went and I certainly don’t need to be reminded that your nights are no longer spent with me. As I share no interest in your immediate future, I don’t need to know what your plans may be. This leaves a conversation with an otherwise very close friend full of awkward gaps and tells, and it doesn’t make for a particularly pleasant lunch break, does it?
The reasons for our split are sound. Both yours and mine. I have no problem accepting our break-up. I just want to concentrate on getting myself together. Someday soon I hope to be in a place where we can talk and laugh as we once did…as best friends.
Truly,
D
It has been 2mnths now since my ex fiance and I broke it off. Its been difficult because the person she cheated on me with is whom she is dating now. I play it off like it doesn’t bother me. I promised her we would always be besties and I would be there for her no matter what! About 2 days ago, she calls me and tells me she misses me so much and she wants to get married! Being naïve, I believed her. I was so excited that she finally realized she wanted to get back 2gether.
I asked her to break it off with that other person and she promised she would. The following day I called her in the morning and no response. Then she turned off her phone. I knew inside she didn’t follow through. I was right, she called me back saying that she might be pregnant! I was so heart broken afte all the promises she made me the day before. I told her to have a good life and hung up the phone. She repeatedly called me back till I answered, apologizing and telling me she really meant everything that was said. She told me that this was just an obstacle we are going through and we will be together at the end.
I’m trying so hard to apply the “no contact” rule. Why am I still subjecting myself to this? Why am I hoping that I will be with her again? I feel like she’s keeping me around just in case her world crumbles. I don’t understand how she went from a well educated man with a career to an immature little boy that has nothing going for him. Eddie, anyone! Help me get over this. Thanks so much for this site!
My ex and i mutally decided to end our 9 year relationship back in August but he didn’t actually move out of our house till 3 weeks ago. We were making each others lives miserable, arguing over the least little things etc and it felt like the right decision at the time.
Even though i know i was still in love with him I felt i was ok with us breaking up as i thought we would both be happier apart. I even helped him look for somewhere else to live (he was moving back down south).
During the last few weeks we still living together i made a real effort to make this easier for all of us, like making his meals, doing his washing, even goings so far as to arranging a day out at the zoo on the last weekend. Looking back now i have no idea what i was thinking! I imagined our last moments together a lot thinking we would be mature, wish each other well, hug, maybe a few tears, sounds so stupid now!
Didn’t quite work out that way though as the second last night he went out with people from work and didn’t stagger in till 4am!
Brought back old feelings of mistrust as he had cheated before(yes i know by then he was single and could do what he wanted) .
I was so angry at him i ignored him for the rest of the time he was here. When it came time to leave he just left without saying anything.
I put a brave face on it and held in all the tears for my daughters sake but i was falling to bits inside.
He sent me a text later to let me know he got to his new place ok and i stupidly replied (not knowing about the no contact rule yet). We started texting a few times a day saying we would like to stay friends and i was ok with that. He told me he would alwyas love me and that he would be there for me no matter what.
I had a 3 week course at work starting 2 days after he left as i thought that would be a good thing to take my mind off everything and it was working as i felt good. Didn’t realise i only felt good as i was unknowingly hoping we would get back together one day.
The texting went on till last weekend when he started ignoring my texts or only replying hours later. I know then instictively that he was seeing someone else. Suddenly i felt so much pain inside at the idea that i could be replaced so easily. I felt that i had wasted 9 years of my life on someone who cared for me so little he could just cast me aside like that. Its devestating.
I am now so angry at him for what he has done to me and at myself for ever believing anything he told me.
I know i will get over him in time and that i deserve a much better person but right now it is all i can do to get out of bed.
Sharing all this has helped a bit though so thanks for this site eddie 🙂 Good to know that i am not the only one to be feeling like this, well not good but you know what i mean.
@Chris / @Sara
You left for a reason. Leaving is saying there is no chance. Leaving is saying you don’t want to work on what was wrong. Leaving is saying they are not the one for you.
They wouldn’t want to be kept around just to keep you company, or for you to return to because you haven’t found anyone else.
If they are not the one, stop contact. If you love them, as you say you do, stop contact. But really, if you loved them, you wouldn’t have left.
@Sara –
Sara,
Wanting the person around just in case you don’t find anyone isn’t a good enough reason. And I say that after having been through similar emotions. You have to realize that the fear of being alone is totally not the right attitude – just think about it, how would the other person feel if they learn you just want to be with them out of your fear of being alone? It wouldn’t be fair to them, would it? You have to WANT to be with THAT particular person for this relationship to make sense.
I think everyone takes a different time to get beyond those feelings. So I cannot give you an answer as to whether this is okay or not after 5 months. I think it is all up to the individual situation. If you were in love with the person, it is likely that it takes longer. But you have to work for it. You have to make sure you take care of yourself, that you are doing the things you love to do, and new ones, that will distract you from those feelings. Start up a new hobby, visit a new place if you can, allow yourself to make new friends. You will see how it will get better with time. Just give yourself that time.
I can’t tell you if this was the right decision – I have myself bounced back and forth before coming to the realization that my breakup was the best thing that could have happened within the circumstances. Yes, it is painful, there is no doubt about it. But we tend to prove stronger than we think, and experiences like that show this. You will grow through this experience, and you will learn a lot. But you have to overcome your fears and look for the peace within your own self – nobody else can give you that. You have to learn to love yourself first.
@stronger 😉 –
i understand what you are saying completely! 5 months ago, i would not have believed that anyone was going through what i was going through. the hell of breaking up with someone is unbelieveable. especially since he is my first love.
everything reminds me of him in one way or another. we even have mutual friends. i jst don’t knw how to get rid of that aching feeling inside.
i know that the no contact rule is important.. and that you can’t just bounce bak to being friends after u break up with someone u love… but i guess i do want him around just in case i dont find anyone.. or because i’m lonely…
but how do you know if you’ve done the right thing by breaking up with someone? what if he is the one and i let him go.. and love just passed me by?? i worry about this every passing day. is it normal? even after 5 months? 🙁
i understand what you are saying completely! 5 months ago, i would not have believed that anyone was going through what i was going through. the hell of breaking up with someone is unbelieveable. especially since he is my first love.
everything reminds me of him in one way or another. we even have mutual friends. i jst don’t knw how to get rid of that aching feeling inside.
i know that the no contact rule is important.. and that you can’t just bounce bak to being friends after u break up with someone u love… but i guess i do want him around just in case i dont find anyone.. or because i’m lonely…
but how do you know if you’ve done the right thing by breaking up with someone? what if he is the one and i let him go.. and love just passed me by?? i worry about this every passing day. is it normal? even after 5 months? 🙁
@stronger 😉 –
i understand what you are saying completely! 5 months ago, i would not have believed that anyone was going through what i was going through. the hell of breaking up with someone is unbelieveable. especially since he is my first love.
everything reminds me of him in one way or another. we even have mutual friends. i jst don’t knw how to get rid of that aching feeling inside.
i know that the no contact rule is important.. and that you can’t just bounce bak to being friends after u break up with someone u love… but i guess i do want him around just in case i dont find anyone.. or because i’m lonely…
but how do you know if you’ve done the right thing by breaking up with someone? what if he is the one and i let him go.. and love just passed me by?? i worry about this every passing day. is it normal? even after 5 months? 🙁
@Sara –
you’re very welcome! i went through a similar experience, where both believed friendship was possible. but the truth is, it isn’t. not until both of you are so beyond the relationship you had. and it seems like this rarely happens, or happens after a loong time.
you shouldn’t allow yourself to worry about your ex once you have made it clear to him that this is the end of the relationship. in the long run, you will see that no contact is actually going to help him move on with his life, too. so, ultimately, this seems to be the best possible solution for both parties.
trust me, i am saying this with the realization that it IS really hard to do it – in my own experience, the failure to observe no contact led to getting back together with my ex several times, something which i very much regretted afterwards, because it was a step back, a step away from recovery, and a giant step away from moving on.
it is hard not to think about what the person is going through, and it is hard to get used to being on your own. but once you have decided that this is the end of the relationship, you just have to move on. this is the best thing you can do for yourself, and for the other person. and believe me, it will get better. just give yourself time. but do not hesitate, this can be so very painful, and truly, not at all helpful.
@stronger 😉 – thank you so much for sharing your experience. when i first broke up with my ex, i didnt think no contact was necessary. i thought that we could just easily find our way bak to friendship.. just the way the whole thing started. but then i realized i still had feelings for him.. and he had ALOT of hope. everytime i’d talk to him.. he’d get hope that i still loved him.. and that made it harder for me to move on with my life. finally i decided on the no contact rule.. and it was the most difficult thing ever. i did change my number, i blocked emails.. i did all the necessary things needed for him to just give up.. but i keep worrying about what’s going on with him. like i put myself in his shoes.. how would i feel if he just disappeared on me?! i dont know if that makes any sense.. but it’s jst so hard not having him there.
hopefully this is the right thing to do.
@Kelvin – Thank you very much. I know there was a reason.. but i guess sometimes i mask it and only look at all the good things he’s done. i guess i gotta jst remember all the bad as well!
Broken up after 2 months. And I still feel as though I don’t have a purpose in life. Is this normal??
@Sara –
Sara,
I feel for you – the first time I tried breaking up with my (now ex-), it was really hard because I felt bad about it and we remained somewhat in touch (over email and phone, although we were an ocean apart). It didn’t quite work out that way, because neither of us could properly move on. In the end, when we finally met, there was a lot (!) of confusion that needed to be cleared-up so we could finally move on with our lives – separately. And, believe me, the painful experience of remaining in touch or breaking the no-contact rule has costed both of us a lot of unnecessary emotional pressure and unmet expectations. I urge you to keep to no-contact and not indulge in breaking it and talking to him – it will only delay the process of you and him starting on your new lives. Once it has been broken up, it can hardly be put back together and the trust is certainly not there anymore…It is not easy in the beginning, I feel shaky sometimes, too, but it has been a month of no contact for me now and it feels like the rightest thing to do. There will be moments of the sadness you mention, a breakup is an emotional experience and you cannot go through without any amount of pain/regret/or any other negative emotions, anger including. But, believe me, the more time passes, the easier it would get, and the less you will feel tempted to re-connect. Be firm and let him know you do not hesitate in your decision – hesitation will only confuse both of you and prolong the suffering. If he persists, you might find it helpful to consider changing your phone number or blocking any emails from him. To an extent, however, it might be better (although not easier) if you simply do not take any calls and not even read any texts or emails.
Hang in there,
@Sara –
There is a reason for you to dump him. So you shouldn’t feel too sad about it. Keep doing the no contact thing. In time, the pain will ease.
Take care of yourself.
It’s been about 5 months since the no contact rule. I dumped my bf of 5 years.. and decided to do the no contact thing. i stopped replyin to txts or emails.. but he still tries to reach out from time to time and i dont understand why. i’m really hurt about it.. and i feel like smtimes i get these waves of sadness.. or regret and i jst want to call him and tell him i love him. i dont knw what to do. im not sleepin properly at times. at times im jst fine. i dont knw when i’ll b okay completely.
I broke up with my gf of 1 year. We started out ok but after 2 months she was pouncing on me if I made even a slight error in judgement. I am only human and I am not stupid or mean but the slightest indication of something other than complete love for her would be taken as a complete shadow over our relationship. I knew this was probably due to an abandonment issue. I suffer from this myself to some degree so I know how easy it is to fixate on something my partner did that was innocuous to them. Her way of dealing with this was to just keep picking at me about it and never really listening to my “side” of things or trying to understand. If anything, what I would say would be used against me, which is frankly typical of this kind of fear. But my reaction to this was also to feel threatened and I would get so frustrated and angry because I felt I was simply not being heard, like she ultimately didn’t care about me, I would flee. And, I would say we are broken up. Dumb. But in the heat of this kind of conflict I would lose my sensibilities. Then of course I’d want to work things out. And I know this erodes the relationship in a serious way. But we eventually figured out the dynamic and were doing ok. Well, except that we really weren’t. We didn’t understand the underlying cause of what was going on with us, which was ironically, I think, very similar (although we reacted differently the net result was the same – we both felt unloved by the other person). I certainly love her and that never went away although it was clouded by all this. And I believe she loves me too. But this flared up again and I had it. I broke up with her. We were just too unhappy with each other despite all the great stuff in our relationship. I broke up with her on vacation when she, i felt, started grilling me again in the same manor. It felt to me like she was just not trying and why do this on a vacation. I didn’t want to talk to her at the hotel because either i would get interrupted and couldn’t get any thing in edge-wise, or she’d take what i say and mutate it to suit her own assumptions/needs to prove i was all the negative things she needed to believe (which were untrue bu the way – i am a very easy going, loving compassionate open person, but i also have insecurities and “buttions” – as an aside, when this first started happening I even explained what was going on with me, what I needed, what my “buttons” were and told her that we’d need to fix this because it would be a deal breaker for me). But no real change. And, on a vacation. So that was it. The next day I took went home. A few days later, after the dust settled, I realized that the break up had to happen. There was no way we could be in a relationship like that and be happy. She was more willing to put up with it I think. But I also realized that if we could address our problems, ideally get some counseling help, we might be able to be happy together. So I think this is a different “case” than typical maybe. Granted we are still “talking” (mostly in email) about this. We are not talking about getting back together but rather taking steps to see what we might want and/or are able to do. After some space we are planning to talk about our feelings and see how we feel about it. I suggested we even have an anger meeting were we can vent our anger at the other person agreeing that we just “take it”. Then later we can discuss if we can or want to work it out. And then we’ld need to figure out what the best way to do that would be> Granted it’s a lot of work and effort and who knows if it will work. But relationships are a lot of work.
The thing about this site, so far from what I have seen, it doesn’t make a distinction between those kinds of break ups that more like a pause and a starting over. Here on this site a break up is one thing – the end of a relationship. Although that may be the case it would be nice if there were some resources for people that break up but do want to start over with a willing and able partner.
But as I said in another post here, if your partner is not interested in working it out, it is then truly over and then you have to move on and this site is a great resource to help with that.
@Carlia – I completely understand how you feel. My ex was horrible to me and I always said I wanted to break up but when we actually end it for good, it hit me as really big shock and i ended up begging and crying for him to give me another chance. He could care less about all the time we had together (3 years) and was ready to leave me in a second to be with another girl. In the beginning, I keep thinking I was the one that messed up the relationship and that it was all my fault for distrusting him. But it’s been a few weeks after the break up and I finally started thinking with a clear head and realize what a jerk i was with and that he’s not worth all the tears and heartache. You should stop thinking that you’re in the wrong because you’re not, it’s his fault for mistreating you and never giving you back the same love you give him. Living with him is probably bad for your healing process so you should look for another place or maybe stay with a friend or relative for a while. Talking your thoughts and everything out with a friend or someone that will listen will help since it really helped me. I was devastated when we ended but I’m slowing healing and realizing that it probably will be for the best because if I had stay with him, it would only cause me more heartbreaks in the future. You should look at it that way too. Another thing you can do is hang out a lot with friends and deepen other relationship you have with other people cause when I was with my ex, my whole world revolved around him and that caused me to ignored my other relationships with people. I wish you luck and I hope you will realize that you deserve better and move on! =)