Comments on: About The Necessity Of No-Contact http://lovesagame.com/about-the-necessity-of-no-contact/ Learn how to survive after breaking up and read some great relationship advice for having new and healthy relationships. Fri, 20 Nov 2009 16:45:08 +0100 http://wordpress.org/?v=abc hourly 1 By: Paul http://lovesagame.com/about-the-necessity-of-no-contact/comment-page-3/#comment-5528 Paul Thu, 05 Nov 2009 02:43:55 +0000 http://lovesagame.com/?p=606#comment-5528 My girlfriend and I split in April after four years. We lived together and the first month after she told me she wanted to split was spent with me staying with a friend. She sent very mixed messages (Asking if the door was open if she realised she'd made a mistake, telling all our friends she wasn't sure she'd done the right thing) but she moved out in May, telling me that she loved me with all her heart. We entered a weird phase for two months; we were split, but "in negotiation" to see if we could work things out. Unsurprisingly, all the communication was one way. After two months of this I told her that I wasn't happy that she was engaging with the process and that I wanted something positive, either way. She told me that she couldn't see a way back, so I withdrew. A week later she takes me out to lunch and apologises for being so stubborn. She explained that she had been stressed, let things get on top of her and instead of talking, she bottled things up. She said that, once she had moved out, she felt that she'd made her bed and that was that. She said she could only see a future with me and that she wanted us to be together. So I agreed. We agreed we would make a real concerted effort to resolve the problems we had. She then promptly buried herself in work. We booked some time off together, only for me to find that she had booked a 3 day holiday with her work buddies at the end of our time off. She didn't tell me, I found out from another person, in fact when I asked her, she denied it. I went ballistic. That was two months ago. Immediately afterward I was in a state of shock, I wanted to be friends straight away. We met up to go shopping and had lunch and it was all very close. I went on holiday alone and cleared my head. I came back and cut off contact, telling her that I needed time to heal. I moved into a new place and some mutual friends came around for drinks. She texted me all hurt that she hadn't been told or invited. We were all supposed to be going skiing, mostly my family, but also mutual friends, for christmas. I told her that she couldn't come and she was put out. She's contacted my sisters, wishing them happy birthday and expressing the hope that they can catch up for drinks. My sisters don't hold grudges, but they aren't impressed with her for lying to me and quite clearly messing with my head. She owes me some money and I feel that she should pay it back. I reminded her by text last week and she still hasn't paid it, even though she promised she would. I can't figure her out. It's over, but it's like she wants to pick and choose elements of us that she wants to maintain. What's my best course of action?<div class="comment-remix-meta"><a href="#" class="replyto" onclick="replyto('5528','Paul'); return false;">reply</a> | <a href="#" class="quote" onclick="quote('5528','Paul','My girlfriend and I split in April after four years. We lived together and the first month after she told me she wanted to split was spent with me staying with a friend. She sent very mixed messages (Asking if the door was open if she realised she\'d made a mistake, telling all our friends she wasn\'t sure she\'d done the right thing) but she moved out in May, telling me that she loved me with all her heart. We entered a weird phase for two months; we were split, but \"in negotiation\" to see if we could work things out. Unsurprisingly, all the communication was one way. After two months of this I told her that I wasn\'t happy that she was engaging with the process and that I wanted something positive, either way. \r\n\r\nShe told me that she couldn\'t see a way back, so I withdrew. A week later she takes me out to lunch and apologises for being so stubborn. She explained that she had been stressed, let things get on top of her and instead of talking, she bottled things up. She said that, once she had moved out, she felt that she\'d made her bed and that was that. She said she could only see a future with me and that she wanted us to be together.\r\n\r\nSo I agreed. We agreed we would make a real concerted effort to resolve the problems we had. She then promptly buried herself in work. \r\n\r\nWe booked some time off together, only for me to find that she had booked a 3 day holiday with her work buddies at the end of our time off. She didn\'t tell me, I found out from another person, in fact when I asked her, she denied it. I went ballistic.\r\n\r\nThat was two months ago. Immediately afterward I was in a state of shock, I wanted to be friends straight away. We met up to go shopping and had lunch and it was all very close.\r\n\r\nI went on holiday alone and cleared my head. I came back and cut off contact, telling her that I needed time to heal. \r\n\r\nI moved into a new place and some mutual friends came around for drinks. She texted me all hurt that she hadn\'t been told or invited. We were all supposed to be going skiing, mostly my family, but also mutual friends, for christmas. I told her that she couldn\'t come and she was put out.\r\n\r\nShe\'s contacted my sisters, wishing them happy birthday and expressing the hope that they can catch up for drinks. My sisters don\'t hold grudges, but they aren\'t impressed with her for lying to me and quite clearly messing with my head. \r\n\r\nShe owes me some money and I feel that she should pay it back. I reminded her by text last week and she still hasn\'t paid it, even though she promised she would. \r\n\r\nI can\'t figure her out. It\'s over, but it\'s like she wants to pick and choose elements of us that she wants to maintain.\r\n\r\nWhat\'s my best course of action?'); return false;">quote</a></div> My girlfriend and I split in April after four years. We lived together and the first month after she told me she wanted to split was spent with me staying with a friend. She sent very mixed messages (Asking if the door was open if she realised she’d made a mistake, telling all our friends she wasn’t sure she’d done the right thing) but she moved out in May, telling me that she loved me with all her heart. We entered a weird phase for two months; we were split, but “in negotiation” to see if we could work things out. Unsurprisingly, all the communication was one way. After two months of this I told her that I wasn’t happy that she was engaging with the process and that I wanted something positive, either way.

She told me that she couldn’t see a way back, so I withdrew. A week later she takes me out to lunch and apologises for being so stubborn. She explained that she had been stressed, let things get on top of her and instead of talking, she bottled things up. She said that, once she had moved out, she felt that she’d made her bed and that was that. She said she could only see a future with me and that she wanted us to be together.

So I agreed. We agreed we would make a real concerted effort to resolve the problems we had. She then promptly buried herself in work.

We booked some time off together, only for me to find that she had booked a 3 day holiday with her work buddies at the end of our time off. She didn’t tell me, I found out from another person, in fact when I asked her, she denied it. I went ballistic.

That was two months ago. Immediately afterward I was in a state of shock, I wanted to be friends straight away. We met up to go shopping and had lunch and it was all very close.

I went on holiday alone and cleared my head. I came back and cut off contact, telling her that I needed time to heal.

I moved into a new place and some mutual friends came around for drinks. She texted me all hurt that she hadn’t been told or invited. We were all supposed to be going skiing, mostly my family, but also mutual friends, for christmas. I told her that she couldn’t come and she was put out.

She’s contacted my sisters, wishing them happy birthday and expressing the hope that they can catch up for drinks. My sisters don’t hold grudges, but they aren’t impressed with her for lying to me and quite clearly messing with my head.

She owes me some money and I feel that she should pay it back. I reminded her by text last week and she still hasn’t paid it, even though she promised she would.

I can’t figure her out. It’s over, but it’s like she wants to pick and choose elements of us that she wants to maintain.

What’s my best course of action?

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]]> By: Gloria http://lovesagame.com/about-the-necessity-of-no-contact/comment-page-3/#comment-5526 Gloria Wed, 04 Nov 2009 23:21:30 +0000 http://lovesagame.com/?p=606#comment-5526 I am trying the no contact rule but it is so hard, at first i would give in and tell him to not be a stranger. But than i would change my mind and tell him its better off we don't contact. I know its confusing him, but our lives are so intwine! He's ever where I go because of our mutual friends I don't want to drop friends just because of him. Our break up is a very complicated one too. No one cheated, lied, or anything to make me angry or upset. It was because of the situation... he is unemployed, and currently has no place to stay (he is staying with his friends). and he wants to get his life together, because he feels he can't be there 100%. he says he wants to go places with me, go on vacation and do all the fun stuff with me (because thats what we did before he was unemployed) but he can't and it kills him that i have to pay for everything. But than he doesn't want to be in a relationship. it confuses the hell out of me because if you can't be with someone at your worse what does that tell you?? hes 23 so hes still a little immature.<div class="comment-remix-meta"><a href="#" class="replyto" onclick="replyto('5526','Gloria'); return false;">reply</a> | <a href="#" class="quote" onclick="quote('5526','Gloria','I am trying the no contact rule but it is so hard, at first i would give in and tell him to not be a stranger. But than i would change my mind and tell him its better off we don\'t contact. I know its confusing him, but our lives are so intwine! He\'s ever where I go because of our mutual friends I don\'t want to drop friends just because of him. \r\n\r\nOur break up is a very complicated one too. No one cheated, lied, or anything to make me angry or upset. It was because of the situation... he is unemployed, and currently has no place to stay (he is staying with his friends). and he wants to get his life together, because he feels he can\'t be there 100%.\r\n\r\nhe says he wants to go places with me, go on vacation and do all the fun stuff with me (because thats what we did before he was unemployed) but he can\'t and it kills him that i have to pay for everything.\r\n\r\nBut than he doesn\'t want to be in a relationship.\r\n\r\nit confuses the hell out of me because if you can\'t be with someone at your worse what does that tell you?? hes 23 so hes still a little immature.'); return false;">quote</a></div> I am trying the no contact rule but it is so hard, at first i would give in and tell him to not be a stranger. But than i would change my mind and tell him its better off we don’t contact. I know its confusing him, but our lives are so intwine! He’s ever where I go because of our mutual friends I don’t want to drop friends just because of him.

Our break up is a very complicated one too. No one cheated, lied, or anything to make me angry or upset. It was because of the situation… he is unemployed, and currently has no place to stay (he is staying with his friends). and he wants to get his life together, because he feels he can’t be there 100%.

he says he wants to go places with me, go on vacation and do all the fun stuff with me (because thats what we did before he was unemployed) but he can’t and it kills him that i have to pay for everything.

But than he doesn’t want to be in a relationship.

it confuses the hell out of me because if you can’t be with someone at your worse what does that tell you?? hes 23 so hes still a little immature.

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]]> By: stronger ;) http://lovesagame.com/about-the-necessity-of-no-contact/comment-page-3/#comment-5500 stronger ;) Thu, 29 Oct 2009 22:30:52 +0000 http://lovesagame.com/?p=606#comment-5500 <a href='#comment-5499' rel="nofollow">@Don</a> - Just a few words in regards to what Don said in the last 2 paragraphs - I could not agree more - as painful as it is, a breakup is a great opportunity for personal growth, although this last part does require some effort on one's part. It's been a couple of months for me now and everything felt very fragile in the beginning - and, still does, at times - but it has been a time for learning, of adding pieces to the picture of who i am and what do i seek in my life, what are the things that i value and how should i take care of them. I am saying all this as a positive note to everyone here - yes, our circumstances may be very different, but in the end of the day, if you recognize the self-knowledge potential following your breakup, you can really go far. Don't postpone the healing process, it can be one of the most important lessons in your life and you will find it applicable later on, in many respects, not only relationships-wise.<div class="comment-remix-meta"><a href="#" class="replyto" onclick="replyto('5500','stronger ;)'); return false;">reply</a> | <a href="#" class="quote" onclick="quote('5500','stronger ;)','<a href=\'#comment-5499\' rel=\"nofollow\">@Don<\/a> - \r\n\r\nJust a few words in regards to what Don said in the last 2 paragraphs - I could not agree more - as painful as it is, a breakup is a great opportunity for personal growth, although this last part does require some effort on one\'s part. \r\n\r\nIt\'s been a couple of months for me now and everything felt very fragile in the beginning - and, still does, at times - but it has been a time for learning, of adding pieces to the picture of who i am and what do i seek in my life, what are the things that i value and how should i take care of them. \r\n\r\nI am saying all this as a positive note to everyone here - yes, our circumstances may be very different, but in the end of the day, if you recognize the self-knowledge potential following your breakup, you can really go far. Don\'t postpone the healing process, it can be one of the most important lessons in your life and you will find it applicable later on, in many respects, not only relationships-wise.'); return false;">quote</a></div> @Don –

Just a few words in regards to what Don said in the last 2 paragraphs – I could not agree more – as painful as it is, a breakup is a great opportunity for personal growth, although this last part does require some effort on one’s part.

It’s been a couple of months for me now and everything felt very fragile in the beginning – and, still does, at times – but it has been a time for learning, of adding pieces to the picture of who i am and what do i seek in my life, what are the things that i value and how should i take care of them.

I am saying all this as a positive note to everyone here – yes, our circumstances may be very different, but in the end of the day, if you recognize the self-knowledge potential following your breakup, you can really go far. Don’t postpone the healing process, it can be one of the most important lessons in your life and you will find it applicable later on, in many respects, not only relationships-wise.

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]]> By: Don http://lovesagame.com/about-the-necessity-of-no-contact/comment-page-3/#comment-5499 Don Thu, 29 Oct 2009 18:34:38 +0000 http://lovesagame.com/?p=606#comment-5499 <a href='#comment-5497' rel="nofollow">@Sara</a> - I feel sorta bad because in rereading my reply I can imagine I may have come off a bit harsh. That was not my intention. I just believe certain situations sometimes require seemingly drastic measures. ...and your right, people don't always make sense...even to themselves. Good luck <a href='#comment-5489' rel="nofollow">@Ray</a> -I've found that a good way to release is to write the entire story of your relationship from beginning to end. Be honest and leave nothing out, whether good or bad. It may seem an extensive undertaking, but if you put everything in chronological order it helps to arrange your thoughts. Once you've finished you have a much clearer picture of what has happened. You also have a reference to the things you want in your next partner and the things you need to change about yourself in order to be successful in your next relationship. I believe lost love brings us to a point in our lives where our growth potential is at it's greatest. The pain of lost love causes us to look at things about ourselves and others that we would normally avoid, and in doing so, we awaken to an entire new world of possibilities. Everything truly does happen for a reason. Your reason is exclusive to you, and it's up to you to decide what it may be. Just remember...the next time around, and it's sure to happen, you gotta be able to love like you've never been hurt.<div class="comment-remix-meta"><a href="#" class="replyto" onclick="replyto('5499','Don'); return false;">reply</a> | <a href="#" class="quote" onclick="quote('5499','Don','<a href=\'#comment-5497\' rel=\"nofollow\">@Sara<\/a> - I feel sorta bad because in rereading my reply I can imagine I may have come off a bit harsh. That was not my intention. I just believe certain situations sometimes require seemingly drastic measures. \r\n\r\n...and your right, people don\'t always make sense...even to themselves.\r\n\r\nGood luck\r\n\r\n<a href=\'#comment-5489\' rel=\"nofollow\">@Ray<\/a> -I\'ve found that a good way to release is to write the entire story of your relationship from beginning to end. Be honest and leave nothing out, whether good or bad. It may seem an extensive undertaking, but if you put everything in chronological order it helps to arrange your thoughts.\r\n\r\nOnce you\'ve finished you have a much clearer picture of what has happened. You also have a reference to the things you want in your next partner and the things you need to change about yourself in order to be successful in your next relationship. \r\n\r\nI believe lost love brings us to a point in our lives where our growth potential is at it\'s greatest. The pain of lost love causes us to look at things about ourselves and others that we would normally avoid, and in doing so, we awaken to an entire new world of possibilities.\r\n\r\nEverything truly does happen for a reason. Your reason is exclusive to you, and it\'s up to you to decide what it may be. Just remember...the next time around, and it\'s sure to happen, you gotta be able to love like you\'ve never been hurt.'); return false;">quote</a></div> @Sara – I feel sorta bad because in rereading my reply I can imagine I may have come off a bit harsh. That was not my intention. I just believe certain situations sometimes require seemingly drastic measures.

…and your right, people don’t always make sense…even to themselves.

Good luck

@Ray -I’ve found that a good way to release is to write the entire story of your relationship from beginning to end. Be honest and leave nothing out, whether good or bad. It may seem an extensive undertaking, but if you put everything in chronological order it helps to arrange your thoughts.

Once you’ve finished you have a much clearer picture of what has happened. You also have a reference to the things you want in your next partner and the things you need to change about yourself in order to be successful in your next relationship.

I believe lost love brings us to a point in our lives where our growth potential is at it’s greatest. The pain of lost love causes us to look at things about ourselves and others that we would normally avoid, and in doing so, we awaken to an entire new world of possibilities.

Everything truly does happen for a reason. Your reason is exclusive to you, and it’s up to you to decide what it may be. Just remember…the next time around, and it’s sure to happen, you gotta be able to love like you’ve never been hurt.

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]]> By: Sara http://lovesagame.com/about-the-necessity-of-no-contact/comment-page-3/#comment-5497 Sara Thu, 29 Oct 2009 08:48:27 +0000 http://lovesagame.com/?p=606#comment-5497 <a href='#comment-5490' rel="nofollow">@Don</a> - Thanks alot don. It doesnt make sense but i guess smtimes people do things that dont make sense. I will continue ignoring him:)<div class="comment-remix-meta"><a href="#" class="replyto" onclick="replyto('5497','Sara'); return false;">reply</a> | <a href="#" class="quote" onclick="quote('5497','Sara','<a href=\'#comment-5490\' rel=\"nofollow\">@Don<\/a> -\r\n\r\nThanks alot don. It doesnt make sense but i guess smtimes people do things that dont make sense. I will continue ignoring him:)'); return false;">quote</a></div> @Don -

Thanks alot don. It doesnt make sense but i guess smtimes people do things that dont make sense. I will continue ignoring him:)

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]]> By: Sol http://lovesagame.com/about-the-necessity-of-no-contact/comment-page-3/#comment-5495 Sol Wed, 28 Oct 2009 17:45:03 +0000 http://lovesagame.com/?p=606#comment-5495 What is wrong with me? I was in a relationship with my ex for about 4 years. The last year was very hard on her and me. I feel guilty for not being able to be there for her 100% and truly let my love for her overcome things that bothered and concerned me. She has health problems, was unemployed for over 1.5 years, had problems finding a job in her field, difficult family health issues too and relationship issues with her mom/sibling. I didn’t have any of that in my life prior to her and it took over 9 months before she even had me visit her at her apartment (guess she was afraid of a new guy in her life). I felt guilty because I couldn’t see beyond the negative or be there for her with all her troubles. I know there were great times we shared together but I just feared the future with all the issues. Especially if we had kids and she continuing to have health issues.

Well we kept talking daily for a long time afterwards. I guess we didn’t want to let go and I was trying to still be there as her friend. We still had feeling for each other and it reared its head when we would just go out to hang out for dinner. It put us in an awkward situation when we talked about it but we didn’t really didn’t let it go on further than that but as you know it’s awkward the next morning.

I guess talking was not good because I hurt her when she found out I had moved on partially. I haven’t really had a girlfriend since her. But now I met somebody and do like her but I didn’t know how to let the other know or even stop talking to her. Guess I was so used to having an ear to listen to me and the fact she was somebody I did really care/love. Over the past months I have tried to ween myself from talking to her. I feel GUILTY for not being there for her now, she still has her issues and I guess feels that I am one of the few people (non-family or female) that truly knows her physical issues. It tears at me and at the same time I want to give and put my energies to the new woman in my life. I talked to my new girl once about my ex and she was hurt a little when I would bring her up on her struggles and me wanting to help.

It has been so long since we were a couple and I guess talking was the not good. Now I am just looking for advice. What is wrong with me? I want to be a nice guy and help all, that is how I was raised. BUT it hurts that I can’t go forward and give 100% to my new life. Why can’t I let go? I hate feeling guilty? I know I was not perfect and I know LOVE should be everything about a relationship but I just was not strong enough to overlook or not let the negativity get to me.

I guess the NO CONTACT RULE WAS BROKEN. I wish I had done that from the beginning, now it hurts like it did when we broke up.

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]]> By: Don http://lovesagame.com/about-the-necessity-of-no-contact/comment-page-3/#comment-5490 Don Tue, 27 Oct 2009 19:53:20 +0000 http://lovesagame.com/?p=606#comment-5490 <a href='#comment-5478' rel="nofollow">@Sara</a> -If you don't want contact with him, ignore his attempts whenever possible. If he continues, there are legal actions you can take and you might mention this to him. If you truly want him gone, why he does what he does is irrelevant.<div class="comment-remix-meta"><a href="#" class="replyto" onclick="replyto('5490','Don'); return false;">reply</a> | <a href="#" class="quote" onclick="quote('5490','Don','<a href=\'#comment-5478\' rel=\"nofollow\">@Sara<\/a> -If you don\'t want contact with him, ignore his attempts whenever possible. If he continues, there are legal actions you can take and you might mention this to him. If you truly want him gone, why he does what he does is irrelevant.'); return false;">quote</a></div> @Sara -If you don’t want contact with him, ignore his attempts whenever possible. If he continues, there are legal actions you can take and you might mention this to him. If you truly want him gone, why he does what he does is irrelevant.
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]]> By: Ray http://lovesagame.com/about-the-necessity-of-no-contact/comment-page-3/#comment-5489 Ray Tue, 27 Oct 2009 18:16:00 +0000 http://lovesagame.com/?p=606#comment-5489 <a href='#comment-5474' rel="nofollow">@stronger ;)</a> - Yeah, I've recently begun writing my feelings down and you're right, stronger, it's been a big help. This is all a very slow process but slowly each day it gets a little more manageable. I'm making changes for the better and I feel good about it. This website is godsend<div class="comment-remix-meta"><a href="#" class="replyto" onclick="replyto('5489','Ray'); return false;">reply</a> | <a href="#" class="quote" onclick="quote('5489','Ray','<a href=\'#comment-5474\' rel=\"nofollow\">@stronger ;)<\/a> - \r\n\r\nYeah, I\'ve recently begun writing my feelings down and you\'re right, stronger, it\'s been a big help. This is all a very slow process but slowly each day it gets a little more manageable. I\'m making changes for the better and I feel good about it. This website is godsend'); return false;">quote</a></div> @stronger ;) –

Yeah, I’ve recently begun writing my feelings down and you’re right, stronger, it’s been a big help. This is all a very slow process but slowly each day it gets a little more manageable. I’m making changes for the better and I feel good about it. This website is godsend

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]]> By: Sara http://lovesagame.com/about-the-necessity-of-no-contact/comment-page-3/#comment-5478 Sara Mon, 26 Oct 2009 05:14:20 +0000 http://lovesagame.com/?p=606#comment-5478 Its been half a year since i last talked to my ex. I think ive just about moved on. Just when my life is beginning to settle down, he finds a way to contact me! I dont know what to do! Do i continue ignoring or do i tell him to back off?? Ive worked so hard to get to where i am and i dont knw why hes doing this.<div class="comment-remix-meta"><a href="#" class="replyto" onclick="replyto('5478','Sara'); return false;">reply</a> | <a href="#" class="quote" onclick="quote('5478','Sara','Its been half a year since i last talked to my ex. I think ive just about moved on. Just when my life is beginning to settle down, he finds a way to contact me! I dont know what to do! Do i continue ignoring or do i tell him to back off?? Ive worked so hard to get to where i am and i dont knw why hes doing this.'); return false;">quote</a></div> Its been half a year since i last talked to my ex. I think ive just about moved on. Just when my life is beginning to settle down, he finds a way to contact me! I dont know what to do! Do i continue ignoring or do i tell him to back off?? Ive worked so hard to get to where i am and i dont knw why hes doing this.
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]]> By: stronger ;) http://lovesagame.com/about-the-necessity-of-no-contact/comment-page-3/#comment-5474 stronger ;) Sat, 24 Oct 2009 16:36:07 +0000 http://lovesagame.com/?p=606#comment-5474 <a href='#comment-5470' rel="nofollow">@Ray</a> - One way to get your emotions out is by keeping some kind of a journal - I have found it quite helpful in achieving better clarity about your own feelings. It is one thing to think, but to see your thoughts in writing can be a very insightful experience. And it has definitely helped me to release the emotional stress that builds up inside. Best of luck,<div class="comment-remix-meta"><a href="#" class="replyto" onclick="replyto('5474','stronger ;)'); return false;">reply</a> | <a href="#" class="quote" onclick="quote('5474','stronger ;)','<a href=\'#comment-5470\' rel=\"nofollow\">@Ray<\/a> - \r\n\r\nOne way to get your emotions out is by keeping some kind of a journal - I have found it quite helpful in achieving better clarity about your own feelings. It is one thing to think, but to see your thoughts in writing can be a very insightful experience. And it has definitely helped me to release the emotional stress that builds up inside.\r\n\r\nBest of luck,'); return false;">quote</a></div> @Ray –

One way to get your emotions out is by keeping some kind of a journal – I have found it quite helpful in achieving better clarity about your own feelings. It is one thing to think, but to see your thoughts in writing can be a very insightful experience. And it has definitely helped me to release the emotional stress that builds up inside.

Best of luck,

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