this is really good just try to broaden up

Hi Chuma,

thanks for commenting and that you like my article.

Due to the fact that this is one of the main topics of this blog, I will expand on it in upcoming articles.

Take care,

Eddie

It was really nice reading bout ur article…well it may sound silly but i am having major problems with my best friend…i jus can’t understand wht is wrong with her….we are like inseperable…she is my family and everything….i know both of us had weird childhood patterns but i am looking for more ways to learn…i sent her some of ur articles but….i jus got a new job and moved away to be with my guy but he fought with her and thn i dunno ervything has gone downhill…it’s very complicated but i do not wana give up but she has asked for space now only from me and i dunno y coz we resolved r issues long back… pls help…i dunno wht else to do..:(

I am still reeling from my breakup. I am trying to be strong, and remember the negative things about him. I havent trusted him for months, and yet I still want him to come back to me. I feel so foolish wanting someone that is so bad for me. ANy ideas?

I’m breaking up a business partnership and it feels a lot like a real break-up.

Thanks for the solid advice.

J. Crickets

I am in the throes of a breakup of a relationship in which we have been discussing marriage for the past year and discussing plans for our future. The relationship lasted 7 yrs. After being hurt from a previous relationship 12 yrs. prior, I was so happy to find someone that I could finally be real with, and allow myself to be vulnerable. For the past 3 yrs. I was living in another state, however, he and I continued the relationship with frequent trips back and forth, as well as special times away. But upon my return he decided that it was not going to work. I have been reeling from this deep pain for the past 3 months. The pain of this is more than I could have ever expected. He and I had become more like one, and now I feel that a important part me has just got up and walked away. It has been almost 90 days, and the grief that I feel is like the grief of someone dear you have lost to death. I know I am not alone in this struggle, for many people have gone through it. But when you do go through, the sense of loneliness becomes intensified. I am not the sort of person who loves easily, but when I do, I am totally devoted and committed to make things work. Like others, I too am looking for answer on how to move forward without being haunted by the wonderful times we shared. My abiding love for this individual is still very intense.

@Helen –

I can relate to your situation. The best thing for you to remember is that there is no timetable for the healing process. It has been 9 months since my break-up and I am just now getting to the point where I feel happy again.

There are so many wonderful articles on this site. Read them all and try to apply as many as you can to your situation. It is important to remember your own self-worth. Feel everything you need too feel and experience every emotion because that is the only way to get to the other side. I don’t think bottling our emotions up benefits anyone in the long run. If it helps you to remember the good times, I think it’s okay to do so, but try to get to a point where you don’t need to do so every day. Let them diminish. I don’t think the memories ever truly go away, but they get easier to deal with.

The best advice I gained from reading Eddie’s articles and e-mails is NO CONTACT. Absolutely no contact. Don’t call, don’t text, don’t check their Facebook or MySpace accounts, don’t go places where you may run into them. I think sometimes we convince ourselves that we don’t want to see them but then we go places secretly hoping that we will run into them. This can be detrimental to the whole process. I did this for seven months. I tried to maintain a friendship, however distant, but it doesn’t work. If I had followed the no contact rule from the outset, I really believe my recovery would not have taken as long as it did.

Find something that you enjoy. I have taken up running again and have noticed that exercise really helps to clear my mind and allow me to focus on myself.

I know how hard this seems… but just know that there are others out there who have been through the same thing you are going through… and there are many who are still going through it. It’s tough but when you get to the other side, you’ll be thankful for the strength you have gained along the way.

I wish you well on your journey!

Derek thank you for your words of encouragement. It has been difficult, and at times, difficult beyond words. I have decided that as part of the healing process to seek the help of a counselor. I think it might be helpful to look at things from another perspective. The last time the gentleman he called to say he was sorry for taking so long to make up his mind. After that call I felt even more depressed. I now have a select group of friends who are praying and encouraging me. I’m not necessarily at the point to reaching out too much, though I do occasionally take in a movie. It has now been 4 months of crying and struggling with those inner feelings. I admit that I do not cry as often, but sometimes the tears come for no reason. I realize I must hold onto what can be, and stop looking back to what was. Forgiveness is going to be necessary in the healing process, for without it, I will be held to the past and that I don’t want. Again thank you for your encouraging words.

your article while insightful doesn’t take in the whole shebang, IMO.

living in now while laudable vs expectations is not so easy (and I’m trying to go this route as per my next relationship) often there can be unresolved earlier childhood issues making our partner and relationship stronger than it is…plus (and this is missed often) there ARE actual biochemicals released in the brain by mother nature wanting us to procreate/extend the species (hence why the lust/infatuation stage in beginning is so strong)…so once a break occurs these chemicals are a bit messed up and not getting the connection/hit/replenishment any more…now I don’t know if later in the relationship these same bonding chemicals are as potent but they’re a reality and shouldn’t be ignored, nor should unresolved earlier childhood issues, too, ie, I lost both parents when young so ‘endings’ are an ongoing difficult area for me…this said, and I am engaging in meditation (vipasanna, insight), yoga, reading, journalling, seeing a therapist, quit drinking entirely and trying to make more friends as my social support network is very small (most buddies are back east in original hometown).
I do like what the late Bruce Fisher wrote in ‘Rebuilding’ (a classic on breakups and the many stages as he belives that there are many in ie not just a handful: more like 15 or so) : in future relationships, try asking NOT ”is this my soulmate and the person I wish to spend my life happily ever after with” but instead ” Does this person and I have enough in common to spend some quality time together NOW.”

one other book i am enjoying is by susan anderson ‘the journey from abandonment to healing’…

oh and I came out of a 2 yr relationship 6 mo ago…broke nc a few times/sent her daughter xmas card/gift…since oct she’s been seeing a new guy who just went with her on a 3 wk trip to costa rica…’j…wants me to marry him so my life is good.” ..also she told me in another email (before I broke NC fof good a few wks back, ‘ i never loved you was never attracted to you…i was with you cause you’re a nice guy a great companion but should have broken it off much sooner (despite her always wanting to jump my bones: i know she felt sexually rejected in the end as we weren’t resolving some issues that needed to be talked through but she’s not a good expressor of emotions)…anyway…

Hi,
I was pursued by a man for four months. I was not looking for a relationship. I was looking for my friend who had moved away. I joined Tagged, because my friend was searching for me thru tagged. I was tagged by a man. He was friendly and complemented me and I think he felt I was lonely and vunerable. After two months, he said he would like to meet me for lunch. I felt it was ok, so I met him. Then we became involved in a relationship. I enjoyed his compliments and all that went with it. Soon he began saying remarks that were nasty. By then I fallen for him. It was so obvious that he was using me for sexual pleasures. I attempted three times to leave him, but I gave in to him and did not leave him. But I was miserable and wanted to tell him what I thought of him, but I did nothing of course. He was on again off again and accussed me of being to emotional which was true. After he left me, I cried quite a bit and felt so lonely and empty with out him. I did my best to become the woman I once was(he was my first lover). Then he wrote to me once again after that and was sweet talking me not to leave him. I was so confused but I agreed to give him another chance. I actually began to see through him. The next morning,I was inspired by a strong feeling to end the relationship and I immediately acted on it. First of all, I his telephone messages and his cell phone number. his e-mail address and his messenger id. I wrote one last message to him. I said the relationship was over and for him to never contact me again. I was definitely hurt by him. But I am proud that I finally took control and ended it. I also found out he was married, and never planned to leave his wife. I noticed that he wasted no time and once again he is looking for another mistress. He says he loves his wife, which I find difficult to beleive. I think he has had many affairs all along. I feel sorry for his wife. I would love to see him get caught and suffer for all the hurt he has done to two women. But that is not up to me to do. At least I finally saw what he was all about. So dear ladies, do not beleive or be used by these predators. Good Luck and God Bless. What goes around comes around.