The following email from our regular reader “Sachao” from Germany is a very inspiring success story about getting closure and your strength back after she had to face her Ex.

What would YOU do, if you ran into your Ex continuously after returning to a small town after 6 months no-contact?

Please read on.

My ex-boyfriend and I were together for 7 months when I had to go abroad for a semester (6months) to study. I was very excited to go to France and my ex, who had traveled a lot himself, was always very supportive.

Of course, it was a challenge: only together for 7 months and then me going away for 6 months, but I was pretty confident we would make it.

Before I went to France, my ex and I had a big talk: he was having doubts about me going away, and I wanted to clear it once and for all. I wanted to be sure that he really wanted to put in effort in our long distance relation.

During the talk, he stated he really wanted to go for it, make it work and wanted to continue with me. He proposed to book a holiday to Italy after I would come back from my Erasmus, and we booked a couple of weekends where I would return to him or when he would visit me in France.

For me, this was a confirmation that things were going well.

Full of confidence, I went to France.

The first 2 weeks were hard, but afterwards I started to enjoy myself. I noticed my ex and I weren’t having that much contact (he did not call me very often), but I thought he needed to build up his life without me and I needed to build up a life in France.

6 weeks later, out of the blue, my ex called me and said he was having doubts and that he couldnt do it anymore, that his feelings were different.

It was so out of nothing for me, I was totally shocked. He broke up with me over the phone, 5 days before I would return to him for a weekend, not giving me any explanation.

The last part was the hardest, the “I cannot do this anymore” was not enough for me. Why couldn’t he explain more?

Stunned and broken, he was my first love and I had had so much faith in us… how often he would say that what we had was special. And now, he just left me out of the blue. Pretty much without reason, he even said himself “i don’t know why i am doing is but I just can’t anymore”.

Being so far away from my friends and family made it even harder, although I had a lot of support from my friends in France.

The months afterwards I was broken, dazed and confused, but still enjoying my time in France, having no contact whatsoever with my ex. Still, it was influencing my time in France, which looking back, I blame my ex the most.

When the end of my Erasmus came near, I was getting anxious and scared to go back to my hometown, where my ex also lives and studies. And indeed, when I came back, the hardest part had yet to start. Being abroad was a good thing, but also gave me space to run away from my feelings.

When I came back the only people standing at the airport were my parents, my heart broke again. It was a confirmation that it was really over.

In my first week back, I immediately ran into him. I knew this would happen lots of times, since we have some common friends and live in the same small town in Germany.

After a few miserable weeks back in Germany, I HAD to break the no-contact rule. I had to talk to him. Not to get answers, I did not expect any answers, but to tell my ex what I thought of the way he handled it. A relationship break up over the telephone, out of the blue without giving me any time to ask something or to express my thoughts. I needed this for closure.

I already told myself that I was not going to break; I was going to be strong, tell him my thoughts, and walk away.

Luckily my ex responded positive, so we met up.

Strangely enough, when he was sitting in front of me, I was seeing a totally different person than with whom I was together. I told him all my thoughts, but in a strong and confident matter, like it did not bother anymore (which wasn’t true, but i did not want to show him my pain). I was so strong, and saw him looking like a lost young spoiled rich boy more and more.

He admitted everything: he was afraid because of the long distance, had panicked and acted in an impulsive way. For me it was clear that he was too immature and could not handle difficult things, that he was to weak to fight for something. He already had a new girlfriend, somebody who would never go abroad without him, a very ‘easy girl’ who would do anything he says. The opposite of me, but apparently he wants a less complicated relationship now.

I ignored the spark that was still there between us, stayed strong and walked out again. I never have felt so strong. He admitted everything, and I was again the strongest person.

He fell off his pedestal. For me, this was closure.

Now we can walk by and say ‘hi’, without any problems. Sometimes it still hurts a bit, but the way he acts and stands in life is just not for me. I want somebody who want to fight for me, somebody strong enough. Because he was my first love, I did not have any comparison. Now I know, that there are nicer and stronger guys then my ex.

What I want to say is that closure is really important. For me, this was the conversation. Everybody has to find their own closure. Breaking the no-contact rule is only a good thing if your only goal is closure, not getting back together or getting answers. It has to be closure for YOU.

Apart from closure, distraction is a good thing. Go do sports, or go traveling. Just do not run away from your pain, like I did in France. It will catch up and affect you even harder later.

I have become a more confident and strong person from this experience and now see it just as something everybody has to get through sometimes in life. I do not have a new boyfriend yet, but I am starting to enjoy being single again.

Everybody will get their portion of bad luck in life, and you will get through. But you have to WANT to get better, do not stay in the place of the dumpee.

Sachao

What Sachao did was risky and heroic at the same time.

To break no-contact in order to find closure is a noble intention, but unfortunately the reality is very often a different one. Truth is it can go terrible wrong. You walk into it too early or unprepared, you WILL be devastated. Usually I absolutely do not recommend it. It’s simply too risky and there are many ways to get closure without having to involve the Ex.

Luckily it worked out for Sachao and gave her her life back.

What she did was remarkable: she took control of her life.

She refused to be a victim and decided to be strong. She chose to take action instead of being passive.

She was rewarded for that by learning that her Ex isn’t the person she thought he was, that he wasn’t able to live up to her expectations. That gave her the strength to carry on.

Thank you Sachao for your inspiring story and all the best for your future.

What do you think? Is closure a must or simply too risky? Please comment below in the comment section.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

P.S.: By the way, if you have a similar inspiring story to share, please do so by contacting me. Thanks.

Months, or even years after a relationship break up, we will fully realize the fatal mistakes we made right after it happened. Especially the panic controlled actions that made us appear as a different person – often we don’t recognize ourselves any more.

It can bring out the worst in us.

It usually happens that we hate ourselves later for the things we’ve done. This is understandable, but the wrong thing to do. Not only does it damage our self-esteem, which is urgently needed for the recovery, (what’s left of it), but it also destroys the new concept of self-love we are trying to build up.

Avoid these feelings by telling yourself that the past is the past, and concentrate on the NOW.

There is a famous quote where it says that one should learn from the mistakes OTHERS make and thereby avoid them.

On the other hand:

“The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.”
—John Powell

I believe that there are two kinds of mistakes: the kind that you can learn and evolve from, and the kind that should be avoided.

When it comes to post relationship break up mistakes, there are some which better be avoided.  The following fall into that category.

Here are the main mistakes most people make right AFTER a relationship break up:

Mistake #1: Panic Controlled Actions

Confronted by what we think is the worst that can happen to us, we do anything to fight it off: we plead, we beg, cry in front of our Exes, harass, stalk, write e-mails, IMs, etc.

All these things will make you cringe when you later think about it.

I think that almost every “Dumpee” makes these mistakes – I don’t think that they are completely avoidable. These are desperate actions by our “animal” part of the brain, fighting for survival.

The sad thing is that they are completely useless. I’ve never heard that a “Dumper” came back after the “Dumpee” wrote them a gazillion e-mails begging to have mercy.

If you’ve made these mistakes, don’t beat yourself up over them.   If you’re about to commit them, try to resist.

Mistake #2: Reassuring Love

We are committed to thinking that if they only KNEW how much we loved them, they would come back immediately, so we keep telling them – over and over again.

The only problem is, they KNOW. They’re breaking up anyway.

Breakups happen rarely because the “Dumper” thinks that they are not being loved. Constant reassurance only leads to humiliation.

Mistake #3: Hoping To Stay Friends

This is a very common mistake that is often made by those having little experience with relationship break ups.

I know that your Ex was your best friend, your intimate partner, the closest person to you. But it is impossible to maintain this kind of relationship AFTER the breakup. Everything has changed – nothing is as it was before.

You can’t count on your Ex any longer, because they will harm you more than they would help.

The good news is, you CAN find another support system: Look for old friends who used to be close. Your family should also be of great help.

Use every connection you have for support – you need it.

Mistake #3 leads us directly to the next one.

Mistake #4: Maintaining Contact

The no-contact rule is the number one precondition IF you want to get over your relationship break up fast.

Look at it like a drug addict: you can’t get clean with YOUR drug right in front of you.

I talk about this is more detail here.

Mistake #5: Use Your Exes Friends And Family

Out of the ambition to make sense out of all of it, we use their friends or their family. We interview, manipulate and try to use them for our purposes.

Besides the fact that they rarely know anything about the deeper reasons, it really is inappropriate to involve a third person in your breakup. This is something that’s between you and your Ex.

If you do this, you will regret it later.

Mistake #6: Rebound Relationships

Many people leapfrog into a new affair right after their relationship breaks up.

I absolutely do not recommend that.

It may appear that this is the best thing to do in order to get over your Ex but, believe me, the opposite is the case.

You will be constantly comparing to your Ex, everything will remind you of them and you will be frustrated, because NOBODY is as good as your Ex.  (This is an illusion of course).

It will throw you back and it will mask your pain, hiding you from the issues your breakup needs to resolve. Don’t deny yourself the opportunity to work these things out. If you do, you have to face that problem again and again, from relationship to relationship.

For many people, healing will not start until they are alone with themselves, confronting their inner demons.

These are the main mistakes most people make right AFTER their relationship breaks up.

Please don’t beat yourself up if you’ve already made some of them.  Even if they should be avoided, some of these mistakes are part of the healing and learning process.

So even IF you will look back month/years later and regret a few things you’ve done, they might have been necessary to get you to the point you are today.

Now it’s your turn, tell me, which one if these mistakes have you made?

(Photograph is a courtesy of LunaDiRimmel)

If it’s true that Love bears many similarities to a game, then it must also be true that being prepared and having a feeling of control of one’s position on the playing field are very important aspects of performing well. Perhaps there is no time other than when your team is behind, disoriented and otherwise being trampled that this feeling of confidence in your resources is more important.

The end of a relationship whether through separation or divorce is almost always difficult, and a large part of the feeling of difficulty is a result of the fact that the relationship however dysfunctional or broken it might have been, was in some way a safe, consistent place.  And now it is over, and the fear of the unknown is almost always intimidating. The men who come to our site, DadsDivorce.com, magnify the intensity of the romantic breakup as a result of the fact that the relationship in question is a marriage and supposed to last forever, there are co-mingled finances as well as emotions, and often, there are children involved.

A large part of the impact that our men feel when going through divorce is due to this loss of control that often accompanies it. Undisputed numbers suggest that over 85% of all divorces are initiated by the woman, and so we guys are often blindsided and forced to deal with this major life change with little or no preparation.

This means that we must then make decisions regarding attorneys and other members of our divorce team (you knew that it’s best, if possible to assemble a team, didn’t you?) on the fly. The fact that there is little time for preparation before we must hit the ground running (she’s already cruising along toward marital dissolution at 100mph), that we must respond thoughtfully and intelligently to her and her lawyer’s demands and requests for information, payment, and whatever else, that we hope our attorney is responsive and truly working to protect our best interests and the best interests of our children, that we are probably dealing with the emotional reality of somehow working this out for ourselves and with our children so that they continue to feel loved and secure while the real world caves in around them.

In an effort to manage this overwhelming sense of loss of control, DadsDivorce.com sponsoring partner, Cordell & Cordell, P.C., a law firm focusing on men going through divorce, is featuring a new addition to their already comprehensive services that is accessible via the DadsDivorce website.

A good divorce attorney, like a good doctor, empowers his client. He does not hide behind the veil of convenience simply because interacting with a client takes time.  It is important to have a legal as well as psychological, emotional and parental game plan if it is at all possible. But, given that most men have very little time for thoughtful planning, it is incredibly important that the lines of dialogue be open and free-flowing during these difficult times.

As a client, you will likely have many questions, comments or suggestions as to how your divorce case is managed.  In addition, the client deserves to know exactly what he is being billed for and what the balance is that remains in his account.  As well, the client needs organizational tools to help him build his case and to keep him informed of important upcoming dates, meetings, and court appearances.

The technology that allows a divorce client to interact with his or her attorney is emerging. Now, confidential files and lines of communication are able to be opened and accessed securely. With this in mind, Cordell & Cordell, P.C., is introducing their Client Collaboration Center on the DadsDivorce.com website. There, clients of Cordell & Cordell, P.C. will find immediate 24/7 access to their client records, an attorney/client forum that allows them to pose questions to their attorney at any time, a custody calendar that allows them to organize their lives around their children while keeping track of child support payments, doctors visits, school information and additional items, as well as all client billing information. The Cordell & Cordell Client Collaboration Center returns the control and confidence to a client who otherwise might feel out of his comfort zone and continually playing catch-up.

Most features of the Client Collaboration Center require representation by Cordell & Cordell, P.C.; however, the very valuable Online Custody Calendar is free and accessible to anyone who registers. It allows divorcing parents to keep records regarding their children, receipts, important dates, notes, and professional information regarding their children’s school, activities and medical care.

It is important for the sanity of an individual that he or she feel a sense of balance and control over their lives in order to get through the difficulties of a break-up or divorce. Counselors, networks of friends, and family can certainly help, but in the case of divorce or when child custody or assets are at stake as well as emotions, it is important to find an attorney with whom you can feel connected, in synch, and empowered.

People know that the rule is essential, but are constantly fighting it – looking for loopholes to break it – which is understandable. Others, however, are reporting that the only thing that helped them to get over their Exes was following that particular rule.

It’s the most important precondition to healing from a break up or divorce.

I actually talk about this in detail in my free newsletter , but I just wanted to add some small things.

The problem with this rule is that we do not recognize its urgency in the beginning.  We only begin to understand after we have had some bad experiences with this “friend thing”.

Why do we aspire to stay friends with our Exes, even though we sense that it’s bad for us?

Let’s examine the “Dumpers” and “Dumpees” separately:

1. The “Dumpees”:

The dumpee wants to stay friends for the obvious reason: they don’t want to lose their Ex. If they can’t be with them as romantic partners, then why not as friends? This way they will be still around, and maybe it can be as close to as it was before. The secret hope is that they can turn them around somehow and get back together again.

I’m sorry to say that I have BAD news for you: It doesn’t work this way.

You really don’t want this for various reasons:

• The dumpers WILL treat you as a friend! Are you really prepared for that?
• They may take advantage of you for occasional sex without commitment, (this is especially true for male dumpers).
• You will have certain expectations they certainly can’t fulfill – you love them, but your Ex doesn’t return the feelings.
• You will constantly be looking for “signs” that there is still a chance, (this will destroy you in the long run).
• It will prolong, if not prevent your healing.

2. The “Dumpers”:

The dumper wants to stay friends for nearly the same reasons, only their motivation is different:

• They often want you around because they also don’t want to lose you.
• They want you as a safe fallback if something goes wrong in their lives, (if their new girl/boyfriend dumps them unexpectedly).
• Some want you still for occasional sex.
• They want to make it “easier for you”, (which of course backfires).
• They want to be around to “help” you.

Are these all legitimate reasons?

The Solution

The best thing a “Dumper” can do for the “Dumpee” is to refuse to maintain contact any longer. It’s easier for them to do so in the beginning, and it’s a sacrifice for their own good.

If you are the “Dumpee”, then make it clear to yourself that you don’t need another talk, you don’t need closure – all you need to know is that it’s over. You will realize the reasons for the break up, if not immediately, then after some time has passed.

This of course hurts like hell, but ultimately it’s better and easier for both parties.

Think about this.

Maybe you will have to make YOUR own experiences, maybe you will have to realize the hard way which choice is the better one – we often learn better by making mistakes.

Either way, I don’t want you to beat yourself up. See this decision as a milestone on your way to independence and happiness. A way that will be hard and rocky at times, but ultimately you will be proud of yourself, because you’ve made it!

Your friend,
Eddie

…and still be on my feet.

After talking about the best breakup songs, I received some e-mails asking what songs I was hearing during my own personal break up.

Unfortunately, I made THE fatal mistake – which I don’t want you to do: I listened to all of the heart-wrenching break up songs that not only make you cry, but they kill from inside. I listened to them and wallowed in self-pity.

I wanted to feel bad.

Do yourself a favor and don’t listen to these songs.  (I won’t list them – you know which ones I mean).

But there was one particular song that I listened to over and over again. I somehow related to this song, because I really liked the lyrics. It seemed to express what I felt at that moment back then.

It’s not a typical break up song and it is definitely not mainstream. It felt very uplifting, so I’m sharing this with you.

The song is called “A Case of You”, by Joni Mitchell. I listened more to the Diana Krall version, which is completely different to Joni Mitchell’s. Joni’s version is definitely more uplifting and positive, and it fits better with the lyrics.

Read the great lyrics and listen to the music.

A case of you

Just before our love got lost you said
I am as constant as a northern star
And I said, constant in the darkness
Wheres that at?
If you want me Ill be in the bar

On the back of a cartoon coaster
In the blue TV screen light
I drew a map of Canada
Oh Canada
And your face sketched on it twice

Oh you are in my blood like holy wine
Oh and you taste so bitter but you taste so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you
I could drink a case of you darling
And I would still be on my feet
Oh Id still be on my feet

Oh I am a lonely painter
I live in a box of paints
I’m frightened by the devil
And I’m drawn to those ones that ain’t afraid
I remember that time that you told me, you said
Love is touching souls
Surely you touched mine
Cause part of you pours out of me
In these lines from time to time

Oh you are in my blood like holy wine
And you taste so bitter but you taste so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you
I could drink a case of you darling
Still Id be on my feet
And still be on my feet

I met a woman
She had a mouth like yours
She knew your life
She knew your devils and your deeds
And she said
Color go to him, stay with him if you can
Oh but be prepared to bleed
Oh but you are in my blood you’re my holy wine
Oh and you taste so bitter, bitter and so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you darling
Still Id be on my feet
Id still be on my feet

Mmmmmmm

Here is the Diana Krall version, (be aware that it sounds very sad):

This is the Jon Mitchell version, much more positive:

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

As if the news that your partner doesn’t want to be with you any longer isn’t enough, they often think they have to try to comfort you – to make you feel better.

What most of the “Dumpers” simply do not understand is: they CANNOT give any comfort. They are only able to give as much comfort as a drug would to a drug addict.

But I don’t blame them.

I’ve been both, “Dumpee” and “Dumper”. The truth is when you care, none of these roles is a walk in the park.

There are certain rules you can follow to break up gracefully, yes, but most of the “Dumpers” have never heard of this.

The result is – they say stupid things that make you hate them, and prolong your healing time.

I’ve listed below 10 of the worst phrases dumpers have thrown at my readers, as reported in the emails I receive. Hopefully YOU will not make the same mistakes in the future.

1. “We can still be friends”

This is an all-time classic.

There are actually three things behind this:

1. The dumper thinks that being friends with you will make it easier
2. The dumper doesn’t want you to disappear completely from their life, (but also doesn’t want you IN their life)
3. The dumper wants to take advantage of you in some way, (friends, sex, influence, etc.)

The no-contact rule demands that there is no friendship after a break up, and this is proven to be the best way to go.

Period.

2. “It’s not you, it’s me…”

This is something completely stupid to say.

When you are looking for an answer, an explanation, then this answer will confuse you completely.

3. “I love you still, but…”

This sentence is also a big no-no.

Although I admit that there can be situations where the Dumper honestly thinks that they still love the person with whom they are breaking up with, but it is NOT ok to say it.

I understand that the dumper might think that it’s easier for the one left behind, but trust me, it isn’t. On the contrary, it is MUCH harder to hear that your Ex still loves you.

“Then why is he breaking up with me?” This is a legitimate question, which the Dumper never could answer in a way that the Dumpee understands it.

There are some more stupid phrases in the same category:

• “I will always love you”
• “I’m always there for you”
• “I have loved you so much”
• “You are and always will be someone special to me”
• “I don’t want to lose you”

These are all terrible statements you really don’t want to hear from your Ex who’s breaking up with you.

4. “I am simply not the relationship-type”

This is sort of a classic one.

People have written me that they’ve heard this one after several years of being together. With this background, such a sentence is only a slap in the face, and an insult.

5. “I am not good enough for you”

This is usually followed by, “You deserve better than me”.

This one, while also meant to give comfort, accomplishes the opposite.

6. “I need time to think”

The next thing you are going to hear after this is usually, “We should take a time-out”.

This happens a lot and is almost always a sign of cowardice: The dumper had the plan to break up, but pulled the plug. Instead they are postponing the problem, on the cost of the one left behind. The following “time-out” will be hell for them: they don’t know whether they have been dumped or not. The uncertainty is just unbearable.

In this case, I recommend for you to reply: “I don’t want a time-out.  You have to decide right away whether you want to continue the relationship or not!”

7. “That’s life!”

Yes, life means making experiences, the good and the ugly – but I don’t need YOU to tell me this during the break up, dear Dumper!

8. “I really don’t want to hurt you”

I’m sure you don’t want to hurt the one you’re breaking up with, but I’ve got news for you: You ALWAYS do.

It’s impossible to break up with someone without hurting. That’s a fact. All you can do is follow some rules and try to make it as graceful as possible.

This is of course difficult, but doable.

9. “I’m sure that I will regret this”

Now what’s that supposed to mean? Is this a hidden clue that it might later come to reconciliation?

While this is very often just an expression the Dumper throws in without thinking about it, the Dumpee will not forget it. In fact, this sole expression will most likely lead to harmful “overthinking”.

10. “I don’t know what I want”

This is very often an attempt to draw attention to themselves, hoping to distract from the horrible situation that is happening. If it’s followed by something like, “my life is a mess”, then the Dumper is trying to be pitiful.

They don’t know what they want, but they still want to break up.

Don’t play this game.

Conclusion

If you are the Dumper, then please avoid sentences like this. I’m sure they are said with the best intentions, but they can only do harm to the person left behind.

Plan ahead what you are going to say, be clear in your intention and leave no doubt. This is the best you can do.

If you are the Dumpee and your Ex throws sentences like this at you, try to not take them to heart. Ignore them the best you can.

All the information you need is that your partner wants to break up with you, as painful as that might be.

The best you can do is to forget everything they say while breaking up, how they say it is not relevant. The consequences of it are hard enough to deal with – don’t burden yourself with the details.

Now it’s your turn: What have you heard from your Ex that you really hated? Please list those phrases in the comment section.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

“Are you real?”

This is a surprising question that I received via e-mail.

That got me thinking.

I thought that I revealed plenty of myself in the blog: my suffering, my recovery, my mission to help people who were in the same position as I have been.

Throughout all of my articles, I have revealed more and more about my past. Hence, why would someone ask the question of whether or not I was a real person?

I refuse to think that my whole story looks like a marketing invention. And yet, maybe I haven’t revealed as much about the PERSON Eddie Corbano as I have thought?

This is when I decided to write some more about my personal story and my life.

First, I started to write a “5 things you don’t know about me” kind of article, but then again, what would you gain from it? Isn’t it more useful to write more details about my experience and how I used it to become a better person?

I know that this will help you in two ways: first it will make you realize that you are not alone with this problem, others have suffered and overcame it before.

Secondly, it can give you a new angle and an incitement on what direction you can take.

I am sure many of you will recognize yourself in my story.

Even if my breakup was very long ago (1998), I still remember everything in detail, especially what kind of person I was before that.

To mention something from the start: this break up was the best thing that ever happened to me.  Eventually it changed my life to the better by forcing me to confront my inner fears and problems.

I had to change or die.

The Beginnings

I was raised by a very dominant father, who didn’t tolerate much initiative. “You have to do what you are told”, not to think for yourself. Being a very sensitive person, I did what I was told and never rebelled.

As much as I wished I had rebelled against the authority, (for a long time I was sure that this would’ve saved me), I accept today the fact that I haven’t, and that I couldn’t.

If you are not encouraged to be independent and to “march to a different drummer” as a child, and if you are additionally a very sensible person by nature, this could lead to two problems:

1. A lack of self-esteem
2. Dependency

The combination of these two will most certainly cause an exaggerated, if not pathologic, suffering when a loss occurs in your life.

This was definitely the case with my very first heavy relationship break up when I was 18 years old.

In the following years, I’ve made mistakes which are very common among break up survivors with the above mentioned flaws: I jumped from one relationship into another – break up -> rebound relationship -> break up -> rebound relationship… etc.

The dilemma here is not far to seek: by not facing your problems, but avoiding and stalling them, they will come back to you eventually with even more force.

I was afraid of being alone, and by avoiding and not working on this issue, I further developed something else very dangerous:

The fear of loss.

Fear of loss makes you vulnerable to many bad things, like infidelity and clinging. Furthermore, you don’t see things as they really are – you live in a bitter cloud of hope and assumptions. You especially tend to overlook things you don’t like about your partner, or tolerate circumstances even if your needs are not being met – all this out of fear of losing them.

This fear basically does not permit you to be who you really are, but degrades you to acting like a fearful and over controlling person. The truth is – fear of loss often drives the partner away.

The fatal thinking behind this is the firm inner belief that you don’t deserve this partner – that you are not worthy of their attention. This gives all your power away, and you are completely dependent on your partner.

The partner senses that, and it is most often too much for them.

The premise of a stable relationship is that both parties are stable people for themselves.

It’s happened. Game over.

The relationship is ending (supposedly) in divorce. But, it is necessary to tie up the loose ends during the divorce process and, if there are children involved, certain parts of the relationship are never really over.

The following guidelines assume that you and your partner are moving forward with the divorce process, or that you must remain in contact with your ex afterwards for reasons pertaining to the children.

According to attorney Erik Carter of Cordell & Cordell, PC, a firm dealing exclusively with divorce, there are a set of points you should consider when you must negotiate with your ex or soon-to-be-ex.

Of course there is much to be said for basing a relationship upon trust, but let’s face it, if the relationship is in the throws of a divorce or post divorce, trust is probably a factor that is on some level questionable. During the divorce process the stakes are high regarding what each party will walk away with and care must be taken not to cross into territory that could put either party in a position to lose what is most important to them. If this advice suggests materialism, consider the “non-material” elements that are potentially up for grabs such as access to your children, your finances, and your freedom to make unhindered decisions for the rest of your life.

The rules that follow are a method for navigating the perilous waters of the divorce process, a process governed by the letter of the law and attention to detail.

1. Get it in writing

Carter stresses that any verbal agreements regarding anything from child-care arrangements to whether or not a piece of real-estate can be sold should be put down on paper.

2. Assume that each agreement is a possible violation waiting to happen

Carter advises that one way to keep yourself clear of violating a court order is to imagine how your proposed action could be viewed in a negative light. “One way to look at this is to question whether you are being set up, but another way is that you are simply analyzing your actions to see if there is any way that it could go against the spirit of your court orders. If you see a glimmer of how it might, don’t do it.”

3. Pay attention to details

Does the “daycare” that you are expected to pay for refer to a licensed daycare provider or her boyfriend?

4. Get something for everything you give

This holds true especially during the divorce process. “Rarely,” says Carter. “Will you get something for free.” Look for the strings now rather than later.

5. Consider the consequences for each of you if the agreement is violated

When agreements are crafted consequences should be listed if the agreement is not followed. If your ex won’t agree to a consequence her sincerity about keeping her part of the agreement should be questioned.

6. Anticipate change

If your agreement states that you will pick up the children after school on Friday, what happens in the summer? It may seem ridiculous to nitpick these agreements when you are making them, but from the perspective of a family-law attorney, these can become hotly-contested issues down the road.

7. Pay attention to outside interpretations of your requests

It is a stereotype, but one that is widely held that while one parent is concerned for the children, the other is concerned for the finances. Be sure that you spell out why you are requesting marital property, or more parenting time, not just what you want. Leave no doubt as to your motives.

For more information about divorce strategy or single parenting, check out the resources at DadsDivorce.com.

I must have heard this often used consolation phrase a thousand times back then. In fact, I heard it so often that it made me sick every time.

Why?

Because it did not offer me any comfort. It just gave me a small peak into an uncertain future.

Which phrase am I talking about?

The advice that is given most often at the beginning of a relationship break up:

“Time will heal all wounds… eventually.”

When you suffer from a break up or divorce all you want is INSTANT release, not a remotely possible outlook. You’re not open to things that may happen in 2 years. Your pain is NOW, and it’s very real.

Unfortunately this advice does not offer any release.

The only advice that really helped me in the very beginning of my breakup, (2 days after), came from a close friend wanting to give me comfort.

He just said that all of this must be a mistake, and that she will come to her senses eventually. “After all”, he said, “you were about to getting married.”

Man, that made me feel better. I felt REALLY good… for about two hours. Then reality caught up with me.

Pain was there again in all its cruelty.

It was then that I understood that I really had to go through this, as cruel as this thought might have been. I had to endure this excruciating pain, and there was nothing that could save me from that.

We must be aware of 3 things during the FIRST days after a break up or divorce (the pre-phase of a break up):

1. There is nothing that can make the pain go away in an instant

There is no magic pill or spell.

There is nothing that anyone could say or do to make your pain disappear completely in an instant.

Even if your girl/boyfriend came back, (which happens very rarely), there will be a scar and the relationship is seldom as it were before. That’s a fact.

People you meet will feel helpless.  They will give advice, consolation or some stories they’ve heard or experienced before. None of this will help you very much in the first days of your break up.

The pre-phase is mostly shock and panic. It’s very important to know that.

2. Panic is a powerful emotion

Panic is overwhelming.

Panic doesn’t let us see anything else – we are completely caught up in it.

Panic is a strong emotion that is hardwired into us. It would save Early Man from getting eaten by a sabertooth, but today it has lost its purpose.

It has become a negative emotion, which takes away control from us. This is what leads to the possibility of chasing, pleading, begging, phoning, e-mailing or harassing your Ex.

Know that what you are experiencing in the beginning of the break up is mostly panic:

Panic that you won’t be able to survive alone. It is the feeling of a small child finding themselves alone and abandoned in a big city.

It’s an “emotional chain reaction” as I call it: it triggers the cycle of negative thoughts which leads to more suffering.

If you are experienced in mind control and meditation, you can break this process right from the beginning.

For now, just remember:

In the beginning, it’s not love or missing the person – it’s not even real emotional pain – it’s only panic.

It’s easier to deal with it, if you know where it’s coming from.

3. You are not thinking straight

Don’t trust yourself and your judgment in the early stages of your break up or divorce. It is very likely that you don’t see the situation as it is.

In most cases you WILL know if the break up is definite or not. If it is, then this is all you need to know.

Don’t worry about reasons, possibilities, new relationships, etc.

Just survive.

Be aware that the goal in the first days/weeks after a break up is to control the panic and the fear. Meditation and Mind Control is a good way to start, (you will find help on this site).

When you have survived the pre-phase, you have to face the first phase: Acceptance.

On your way through the different phases, the arduous path of break up recovery, you will be aware of a certain fact eventually. Something that you never thought would be possible in the beginning:

Time DOES heal all wounds.

And with it comes a new, better, stronger and more independent YOU.

Your friend,

Eddie Corbano

(Photograph is a courtesy of nyki_m)

How do you separate from a spouse while continuing to instill in your children a sense of well-being and a hopefulness about love?

As the editor of a divorce resource targeted to fathers I see the after-effects of relationships gone bad and the fallout that strains the parent/child relationship on a daily basis.

We all know that romantic love, by its very nature is mostly guided by something other than our rationale, and the reasons that cause us to leave a relationship are as varied and impossible to define as those that brought us together in the first place. But even in our most self-righteous moments, when we are sure that the other party is completely to blame for things falling apart, we must remember the most important thing of beauty that came out of the relationship: Children.

From the child’s perspective, their world is now imploding and nothing they can do can control or stop that. Remember that our children are monitoring everything we do, say and in any other way communicate to them, and they don’t miss a thing. By thinking of the children first during this difficult time we ensure that they will have the skills and courage to engage fully in loving relationships, will have a strong self-identity, will have positive feelings about ourselves, and will understand the importance of having respect for others even when we don’t agree.

Below are some things to remember in order to when divorce is certain…

1. The children are the priority

They are innocent of everything and anything that might have gone wrong in the relationship, and great care should be exercised to help them deal with the separation.

2. The children are the priority

Just like in Fight Club the first rule is worth repeating. By focusing our care on the children during a divorce we teach them how to behave with grace under pressure when differences between people arise.

3. A derogatory comment about the other parent is an insult to a child

They know that they are made of a combination of two parents and they can do the math. If mommy or daddy is a no-good so-and-so that means that to them part of the child must be a no-good so-and-so.

4. Children cannot bear the burden of being our messengers

You wouldn’t let your child carry a load of toxic waste, would you? Then don’t let them carry a complaint or other emotionally explosive device to the other parent.

5. Listen to them

Sometimes we worry so much about what to tell them that we forget to listen to their concerns and questions. The things that are really matter to them will come out if you listen carefully.

6. Consider getting outside help

You’re not expected to have all the answers. Professionals in the shape of counselors, web sites, community resources, doctors and religious leaders are just some of the resources available to you. Don’t be afraid to use them.

7. Be prepared to fight for your child

Sometimes the other partner will not play by the rules. If you see that their behavior toward the child is abusive, negligent or sub-standard you owe it to the child to fight fairly for the right to offer them a stable, loving home. Keeping in mind that children do best with equal access to both parents, by pursuing child custody you are asserting your ultimate act of protection for the child’s well-being. This tool is too valuable and powerful not to be used wisely.

Rick Ortiz