Anyone who has been through a tough breakup, and finally come to the realization that the only way to heal is by following the no-contact rule, have eventually come to a point where they feel trapped.

The missing, the need to see, talk, and feel your Ex again can seem so unbearable. How easy would it be to get a glimpse of the “real thing” – a peek into their actual life – by searching through their pages in Facebook, Myspace and all those social gathering places?

A new photo of him/her, what s/he has done during the weekend, if s/he still misses you – all of that seems just one click away.

But would it make you feel better?

Not for a minute, I guarantee you that.

I’ve done it myself many years ago.

I couldn’t bear it anymore. All I wanted to see was an actual picture of her, how she looked like at that time, nothing more.

I was just curious.

But we all know that curiosity killed the cat.

I did some intense searching, (there wasn’t Facebook or Myspace back then), and I finally found a little more than I had bargained for.

I found a picture of her and her new guy.

Now this is something that can destroy you in the beginning. I found myself thrown right back to the bottom of my recovery journey, with all its symptoms: panic attacks, deep despair and depression.

I took me 2 weeks to get out of that. And for what? For a short glimpse into her life?

The price was much too high.

Never ever do something like that. It’s really NOT worth it. There is absolutely nothing you can gain. Nothing, believe me.

Now, IF you have decided to follow the no-contact rule, here are two things I really recommend you to do. It’s for your own sake.

1. Block Your Ex In Facebook

Facebook gives you very good help with the topic of blocking unwanted people.

Basically, everything you need to do is:

1. go to your Ex’s profile page
2. navigate to the bottom of the page
3. click on “Report/Block this person” link
4. check “Block this person” and then hit “Submit.”

That’s it. Your Ex will not be able to look into your pages and most importantly, YOU will not be able to follow your Ex’s updates.

Your Ex will not be notified that you blocked her/him, but if s/he found out and contacted you regarding this, don’t feel guilty. You are doing this because you’ve decided that you want to take your life and happiness into your own hands. You are doing this because YOU are the most important person in your life right now.

One important thing to know is that your Ex can still appear in mutual friends updates, so I recommend that you block them as well. You can still “unblock” them later when you feel better.

2. Restrict Access To Facebook

There is a computer-geek-way to block certain pages completely from access on your own computer. It’s not difficult to do and I really recommend it for no-contact.

By doing this, you will not be able to visit Facebook or the pages where you can find current information on your Ex.

It’s a little radical, but it’s better to not trust yourself.

Here’s how you do it:

1. Find the hosts-file on your computer


The hosts-file is located at (depending on your operating system):

Windows XP, Vista and Windows 7
C:\WINDOWS\system32\drivers\etc\hosts
Windows 2000
C:\WINNT\system32\drivers\etc\hosts
Windows 98/ME
C:\WINDOWS\hosts


2. Append the following code and the bottom of the hosts-file:


# Block Facebook
127.0.0.1 www.facebook.com
127.0.0.1 facebook.com
127.0.0.1 static.ak.fbcdn.net
127.0.0.1 www.static.ak.fbcdn.net
127.0.0.1 login.facebook.com
127.0.0.1 www.login.facebook.com
127.0.0.1 fbcdn.net
127.0.0.1 www.fbcdn.net
127.0.0.1 fbcdn.com
127.0.0.1 www.fbcdn.com
127.0.0.1 static.ak.connect.facebook.com
127.0.0.1 www.static.ak.connect.facebook.com


You can follow the excellent step-by-step instruction explained here.

For the Mac it’s the exact thing, except that the location of the hosts-file is a little more complicated.

Here’s a good instruction for Macs.

You can add all the URLs you want, like Facebook, their Twitter page, etc.

If you are not a computer-geek, ask a friend to do it for you. This is in any case the preferable way, because then it is harder for you to reverse the process.

I urge you to make these changes as soon as possible, because I know it’s a sore temptation to check on your Ex. You will gain nothing by doing so, it will NOT ease your pain or help you to stop missing them. This is an illusion. It will only bring you suffering.

I promise you that you will win so much if you stick to the no-contact rule. You will gain independence, strength and the certainty that YOU can make your own happiness.

Isn’t that worth enough to kiss Facebook goodbye for a few months?

Do you know a better method for keeping yourself from computer-stalking your Ex? Have I missed something? Please share in the comment-section below.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

Years ago, I received a life-changing email. I don’t know who forwarded it to me, but it was one of those that you take a short look at and then delete it immediately.

Luckily for me, I took a closer look.

It was about a man who suddenly died from a heart attack and left a caring wife behind. They had such beautiful plans for their lives, experiences they wanted to make, places they hoped to visit. Now none of this was possible ever again.

The passage from this email that I remember most was, “Take out your sterling cutlery and use it NOW.  Don’t save it for ‘special occasions’, because the best time is NOW”.

This sentence symbolizes one of the most profound truths of life: Life is happening NOW, not tomorrow.  Be happy NOW, not sometime in the future.

Why is understanding this truth so essential for our own happiness?

Because all of our unhappiness, and every negative thought and emotion that we associate with it, exists only in the nonexistent past or future.

Think about it.

What really causes your unhappiness?

Isn’t it always something that is in the past or future? For example, if you are suffering from a recent breakup or divorce, isn’t your pain mostly grounded on the thought that you cannot make it alone in the FUTURE? And isn’t it also caused by torturing memories from the PAST?

“Problems are mind-made and need time to survive. They cannot survive in the actuality of the Now.” – Eckhart Tolle

The NOW is really the place where happiness lies. Only there are we completely free of judgment.

Happiness is an inward state of being – it is independent of feelings, thoughts, judgements and circumstances.

Try it for a moment. Just be in the Now.

It’s not so weird and esoteric as you may think. All it means is to still your “monkey mind” that is constantly jabbering, and let the still and silent observer who resides deep inside of you observe this very moment.

Observe everything that is around you. Observe the sun, the clouds, the ground under your feet, the people around you and especially observe the feelings, judgements and thoughts you are having about those things.

Recognize that all these feelings, judgements and thoughts are NOT you. You are the silent and still observer listening and watching it all.

This is the REAL you, who is at peace and NOT troubled by the hopes for the future and errors of the past.

Acceptance of this moment, embracing Now as it is, is where true happiness lies.

This is a big lesson of life.

Eckhart Tolle is a spiritual teacher and author of the bestsellers, “The Power of Now” and “A New Earth”. He had an unhappy childhood, and suffered most of his life from anxiety and suicidal depression, until one day he had a profound experience:

“I couldn’t live with myself any longer. And in this a question arose without an answer: who is the ‘I’ that cannot live with the self? What is the self? I felt drawn into a void. I didn’t know at the time that what really happened was the mind-made self, with its heaviness, its problems, that lives between the unsatisfying past and the fearful future, collapsed. It dissolved. The next morning I woke up and everything was so peaceful. The peace was there because there was no self. Just a sense of presence or “beingness”, just observing and watching.”

In his book “The Power of Now”, Eckhart Tolle describes his process of transformation from despair to self-realization – a guide to spiritual enlightenment.

I think that the ability of blending out past and future is essential for living a happy life. As I already wrote some time ago, you can achieve that in many ways – mainly by shifting your awareness.

Of course, it is not possible to flip a switch and no longer be bothered by a troubled past, but you can go in small steps. Every day take a little one. Until one day you have a state of mind that allows you to be in the present and to enjoy things truly NOW.

So, get out the sterling cutlery and use it NOW! You always wanted to travel to Italy? Do it NOW! You want to show your partner that you love them? Do it NOW!

Because NOW is all there is. NO yesterday, NO tomorrow. Only NOW.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

The concept of no-contact after a relationship break up is very similar to the main concept of alcohol or drug rehab, which is to avoid the very thing that you are addicted to.

In our case this means – get your butt as far away from your Ex as you can.

I’m sure you are having a pretty rough time with this. I certainly did.

There are times when you miss your Ex so much that it literally hurts. Picking up the phone and calling them would be so easy, wouldn’t it?

But would it also ease your pain?

No, it won’t.

Trust me, it won’t. On the contrary.

I can tell you something. There is NOTHING that your Ex can say to you that would abate your pain. They can only make it worse.

You really don’t want to know how they are doing, (it is really more than you can handle), and nothing that you are doing is going to impress or endear them to you.

Period.

What does No-Contact mean?

No-Contact means absolutely NO CONTACT with your Ex, either personally, by phone, email or short message. It means NO Facebook/MySpace-Stalking, NO Phone-Harassing and NO parking/driving by in front of their house, (more on this in my free newsletter).

Big NO, NO, NO to any of that.

But what should you do when it’s getting really tough, when missing your Ex is so unbearable that you are about to call them?

There are 3 proven methods that work in such a situation:

1. Distraction

The human brain can only concentrate on one thing at a time. So, if you are about to contact your Ex, have a list of prepared distractions ready which you can put in action immediately. Best are things where your brain is involved, where it has to figure out something, like research on a certain topic, quizzes, puzzles, etc.

The more work your brain has to do, the better the distraction.

2. Call A Friend

When you are close to calling your Ex, call a close friend or relative instead. They will talk you out of doing so.

3. Post HERE!

Let ME be your No-Contact Buddy.

Post in the comment section below:

• Your No-Contact Count (in days)
• Everything you want to say to your Ex, just yell it out! (No profanities please)

DO NOT CONTACT that Ex – put it all here! Unload all your anger and longing.

By sharing your No-Contact struggle with the LovesAGame Community, two things will happen:

1. You will find that the need for contacting your Ex will be much less
2. The replies of other readers will give you hope and strength

Having said that, now it’s your turn. Post below and let’s help each other.

Your No-Contact Buddy,
Eddie Corbano

The no-contact rule.

An outstanding concept in theory, yet so difficult to put into action. No other rule shapes the outcome of our recovery more than this one, the rule is a precondition for our survival.

But why is it so hard to follow? Why do we come up with excuses NOT to follow it, even if we know how important it is?

The addiction to one person is not easy to overcome. It takes determination, strength and foremost -the insight on a deeper level that we cannot go on like this any more, without losing ourself completely.

The following success story from AJ is about following and NOT following the no-contact rule, and how important a support system can be:

Dear Eddie,

Several years ago I did the stupidest thing possible. I started dating my boss. My company had a strict no dating policy for its employees, but my boss convinced me that no one needed to find out. He pursued me like crazy, until I gave in.

We were together over six years and amazingly (as far as I know) no one ever knew about it. We were very careful–my boss bordering on paranoid sometimes. I only told one friend about it, although I never told my boss that I shared our secret. Once the newness of the relationship wore off, he was terrified of losing his job and extremely careful about everything. Even his mother didn’t know about me!

As anyone but me might have expected, he eventually decided he could no longer “live the lie.” Rather than looking for a new job or helping me to find one, he chose to break off the relationship. I was devastated. Of course I had very little support, since I hadn’t told most of my friends or any of my coworkers about him. His office was next to mine and I’d hear him laughing and joking with other women through the thin walls. It was beyond horrible. I can’t even describe the sick, sinking feeling I’d get in my stomach every day.

He took another job a year later, but I still saw him occasionally because we traveled in the same business circles. And I’d like to say that business meetings were the only times I had to deal with this guy, but I was my own worst enemy. I called him for the stupidest reasons. I’d linger after meetings hoping to speak with him. But he’d walk right past me and I’d inwardly fall apart. No matter how much time passed, the feelings of devastation were always the same. I can’t tell you how many times I sat in my car and cried in parking lots. And it went on for over a year.

I tried not to call him, but I’d always give in. You would think I’d have learned from the horrible way I felt after each of these calls, but I didn’t. The worst of it was that sometimes he’d give me a little grain of hope (“let’s meet for lunch”). My entire world would come crashing down when the hope got dashed. (“Sorry. Something came up. I’ll call you in the next month or so.”). Talk about letting someone else determine my happiness! I should have just given him a remote control.

Finally, my friend said, “Look. Calling this guy isn’t getting you anywhere except that it makes you feel terrible. So I’ll tell you what. Next time you want to call him, call me instead. I’ll pretend to be him–I think I can reject you as well as he can, you’ll get the same results but feel better about it.” I didn’t put much stock in her idea, but I was desperate enough to try anything. So, the next time I wanted to call the guy, I called my friend. She was so like him, so coldly rejecting and horrible that I had to laugh. It was so much more fun than calling him ever was. I’d hang up laughing instead of feeling like a spineless rejected glob.

It still wasn’t easy. The only thing that helped was that I kept telling myself he’d be expecting my calls. I reasoned that every time his phone rang, he’d expect it to be me. But it wouldn’t be! I didn’t want him to even see my number on his cell phone or caller ID. Nothing. I thought it might bother him that I’d dropped out of his life so quickly. I don’t know if it bothered him at all, but it sure made me feel like I had some power back. I think that feeling powerless was the worst part of our breakup.

I took a job in another city, which also made me feel better, probably because I stopped hearing his name. I started dating again. I worked hard to stay busy so I’d have no energy left over for worrying about him.

Within a few months I was pretty happy with my life, something I never would have believed possible. But then (and this is, to me, the important part) I ran into my ex-boyfriend at a business convention. By now a lot of time had passed–over two years. I accepted his invitation to dinner, thinking I was past my feelings for him. But, as usual when it came to this guy, I was completely wrong. By the time the conference ended, I was the same needy person I’d been two years before. My ex-boyfriend gave off mixed signals, but I figured out pretty quickly that he didn’t want a serious relationship with me. He wanted me to get him a better job (I professionally outranked him now).

Anyway, it was heartbreak all over again! I couldn’t believe the feelings came back so quickly and that all the work I’d done hadn’t moved me past him. I didn’t have to quite start over, but it was way too close! I learned then and there that breaking the no contact rule ever (!) is a really bad idea. I also learned that logic and reasoning have nothing to do with how you feel. They can help control your actions, but there was nothing I could do to talk myself out of my attraction to him once he was in front of me. And boy oh boy did it hurt when I figured out the real reason for the dinner.

My friend, who had been quoting to me from your website, finally told me to read it for myself. So I followed her advice. Reading about the reasons for no contact, as well as learning from the stories of others, helped me. So did the newsletters–I learned something from every one. I recovered a second time. Even so, I have finally learned why it’s important to never see or speak with my ex-boyfriend again. He’s called me a few times (must still be job hunting!), but I don’t pick up when I recognize the number. I delete his messages without listening to them–way fun! I figure maybe it’s some sort of addiction, like alcohol. Whatever it is, not seeing this guy at all, ever, is the best thing I can do for myself. I’m engaged to a great man now –and very happy, but still not taking any chances.

Apart from having lived the benefits of no contact, I want to say that if I can recover and be happy again, then so can anyone. I was about as far gone as a person can get. Needy, dependent, desperate, begging–those all described me–and over a prolonged period too!

Getting myself out of the cycle of contacting him, having hope and getting crushed was the best thing I ever did. It gave me my sense of power back. And, most importantly, it worked. Thanks for being there for all of us, Eddie. I’ve definitely learned that your advice is right on.

AJ

I hope AJ’s story gave you some inspiration and insight about the importance of the no-contact rule, and that you are one step closer to following it with the necessary devotion.

Your friend,
Eddie

The reason why you are reading this article full of quotes about moving on after a break up is probably because you’ve experienced a painful break up and you feel the need to move on, but – as often in life – this is easier said than done.

The hardest step in the arduous journey of break up recovery is this one painful decision to finally let go. It’s this single decision that means the difference between learning form this devastating experience or dwelling upon the negative for a long time, risking that this whole process might happen again in your future relationships.

The difficult part about moving on after a break up is that it takes a conscious decision.

It’s so much easier to hold on to the known, the hope that they will come back, rather than to find yourself cut off from your comfort zone.

Moving on, and letting go is exactly that – going out into the unknown, alone, without the one you used to love by your side.

Before you can take this important step, it helps if you are fed up back to the teeth with being powerless, dependent and so helpless about what is happening to you. This will give you the strength to take action, and this will to get a huge weight lifted off your shoulders.

Will it be easy after that?

No. But you will have made a major leap towards independence and healing.

The following quotes about moving on after a break up can help you with that step.

If you are a regular reader, you will notice that we’ve had some articles with uplifting quotes before, but none so far about moving on after a break up.

So, enjoy.

12 Uplifting Quotes About Moving On After A Break Up:

1.

"Moving on, is a simple thing, what it leaves behind is hard."
-Dave Mustaine

This is from the song "A Tout Le Monde" by Megadeth.

2.

"Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along."
-Anonymous

This quote addresses one of the biggest dangers of suffering from a break up: not believing in love anymore and shutting down your heart.

This is wrong, because there is always someone out there better than your Ex, someone who will meet your needs perfectly. Whether we believe it or not.

Turning away from love out of fear means saying "NO" to life.

3.

"Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving"
-Albert Einstein

Passivity means death, activity is living. If you are passive, you allow negative things to come into your life.

Keep riding the bike.

4.

"You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore"
-Christopher Columbus

This is one of my favorites.

In order to grow and to experience, one must leave his comfort-zone. Very often this means that you have to do what you are afraid of in order to find what you didn’t know you were looking for. This takes a lot of courage.

Ask yourself, who would Columbus be today if he hadn’t had the courage to lose sight of the shore back then?

5.

"Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart"
-Washington Irving

Love is like positive energy, and like energy is never lost in this universe.  It only changes it’s form, and so does love.

Love is a positive choice, and love always attracts more love. This is a fact. (Now I sound like Deepak Chopra).

6.

"When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us"
-Alexander Graham Bell

This is so true.

We often focus and dwell too long upon negative events in our lives, the "whys" and "what ifs", that we don’t allow new positive things to come into our lives.

We have to open our eyes and say "YES" to life more often.

7.

"I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken, and I’d rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken pieces as long as I lived"
-Margaret Mitchell

Margaret Mitchell wrote Gone With The Wind.

"What is broken is broken".  This is often so hard to accept and yet so true.

8.

"The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can’t go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches."
-Anonymous

All experiences, be they positive or negative, define who we are as a person. You can’t carry your unfinished past with you if you want to grow. Especially when entering a new relationship.  You need to have gotten over past negative experiences. If you haven’t, then chances are that they will bite you in the lower back eventually.

9.

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."
-E.M. Forster

One of the hardest things to do after a break up is to let go of the bright future that you’ve planned out together.

10.

"Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself."
-Deborah Reber

We don’t have any control over our Exes. If they want to leave, we have no power to hold them back. All we can do is to accept, let go, heal and aspire to be a better person.

11.

"Letting go has never been easy, but holding on can be as difficult. Yet strength is measured not by holding on, but by letting go."
-Len Santos

What is easier, holding on or letting go?

12.

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
-Eleanor Roosevelt

This is the only way to overcome fears: first by doing and facing what you fear and then by gaining the confidence that no matter what comes your way, you can handle it!

I hope you’ve enjoyed the 12 quotes about moving on after a break up and that you’ve found some inspiration and help to do the most vital step in your recovery process – to let go and move on.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

(Photograph is a courtesy of Anna Gay)

“What about love?”
“Overrated. Biochemically no different than eating large quantities of chocolate.”
—Al Pacino (The Devil’s Advocate)

Have you ever dreamed of the perfect partner, the ultimate romantic love in the perfect relationship? A partner who is your missing part, the one that fulfills you and makes you complete? Who’s been waiting their whole life just to meet you, and by your bond, a door in heaven opens for you?

Welcome to the club. You are not alone.

Please read the following email from a dear reader:

Throughout my break-up there’s a concept that’s really been holding me back, “the one”. I’ve always believed it but after this break-up I’ve come to question it. I was so sure my ex was the one, and I was so sure he would never hurt me like this.

If I ever find love again, how will I know if that person really is the one? I had no doubt in my mind that he was the one, in fact part of me still believes it, but how can I ever be sure of anything in a relationship if I was so certain last time and so wrong?

I too suffered from the same disease: believing in an unrealistic picture of “Love”.

The Concept Of “The One”

Since I was little, I believed in the concept of finding “the one”.

I knew exactly how this whole thing was going to play out: I would accidentally run into a beautiful and charming girl one fine day, (or maybe she would knock at my front door), look into her face and realize immediately that we were meant for each other. She would be “the one”. The following life together would be one of fulfillment and eternal love.

Heaven on earth in the arms of a woman.

Please take a look at the following little story from the ancient Greek about the origins of true love which I read long time ago:

The Origin of Love

There was Aristophanes’ Androgyny, Plato’s anecdote on the origins of love and mankind. The story recounts the primordial androgyny, mythical creatures with four arms, four legs and two heads. They epitomized completeness and were able to do almost anything. However, their pride in their abilities angered the gods and caused Zeus to cut them. Separated in two, they were destined to drift alone, empty and incomplete, longing for their former halves. For Plato, the androgyny is the symbol of wholeness, and the pursuit of it, is what love is.

Isn’t this beautiful? This story always fascinated me.

The problem here was that I took the whole thing too much to heart. I was looking for my missing half.

Did it worked out that way for me? Do I still believe in it, and does it have to be a bad thing doing so?

I will tell you in a minute.

First, I have a question for you: what do YOU think is the definition of true love, and is there such thing as “the one”?

Not so easy to answer, is it?

There is a scientific categorization from a renowned sociologist about the six types of love.

According to John Lee, there are six different types we can distinguish.

Six Types Of Love

1. The sexual love called “Eros”

The focus here is a sexual one where looks are more important than anything else. It is based on aesthetic enjoyment.
2. The love of the players called “Ludis”

These people tend to change partners frequently and are never attached to anyone. They like the game and the conquest.
3. The companionate love, the “Storge”

The warm and affectionate love you feel for a sibling or a best friend.
4. The obsessive love, the “Mania”

It’s an extreme form of love where the lover possesses the other completely and wants their partner’s attention constantly. This is usually driven by low self-esteem.
5. The love called “Pragma”

This type of love is realistic, the lovers are looking for a match referring to personality and values.
6. The altruistic love, the “Agape”

Unselfish as it is, it accepts people as who they are and does not try to change them without asking anything in return.

By looking at the list, you can easily assign what types of love you have felt in the past. Let me take a wild guess: Was it one of the first four?

“It’s Christmas time, there’s no need to be afraid”.

We all know this line from the song. It sounds good, and of course there is no reason to be afraid of “the most wonderful time of the year” is there? Unless you are alone, suffering from a recent break-up or divorce, facing your first holidays alone.

What used to be a feast of love spent together with your loved ones is now an experience of lingering sadness and depression. Like Hugh Grant’s character in About a Boy said: “I was going to spend this Christmas the way I usually did. Watching videos and getting drunk and stoned”.

Welcome to the holiday depression.

But wait!

I don’t want to paint that picture to you, because it’s simply not true. It doesn’t have to be this way. As a matter of fact you choose how it’s going to be.

The trick to surviving the holidays alone is to free yourself from the expectations and pictures of the past.

I used to spend quite a few holidays alone, and I survived them by shifting my own perception of what they should be: I took them as a few free days, where I could finally do something for myself that I always wanted to do, but never had the time for.

This is the key to survival.

It doesn’t mean that you have to betray the spirit of Christmas, (The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come will not hunt you down). I’m only suggesting that you replace the memories bound to the holidays regarding your Exes.

Make a list of all these things you’ve always wanted to do. Then make a schedule when you exactly plan to do them and stick to it.

The key is to not allow yourself to dwell on the past, or concentrate on what you don’t have. Think about the things and people around you that you do have in your life.

These are my tips for surviving the holidays alone.

You need more opinions?

Here are more useful thoughts on how to survive the holidays alone:

Sandra Kiume at “Psychcentral” mentions in her article 7 Ways to Deal with Holiday Grief ,(it’s about coping with the death of a loved one, but can also be used for break-up/divorce situations), that it’s important to realize that:

Things won’t be the same. It’s normal to feel at odds with yourself and family events when dealing with grief. Do not isolate, but limit involvement when you need to and plan new events.

Take care of yourself. Stress, depression and bodily neglect are not a great mix at any time of the year.

Think about building some new traditions. Remember that it’s okay not to do what you traditionally do. Planning something totally different is not an insult to the memory of a loved one and can be a positive way to ease some of the pressure.

Gretchen Rubin from “The Happiness Project” speaks of nine tips for lifting yourself out of the holiday blues. Some of these include:

3. Go outside to exercise.

6. Learn from the past.

7. Make time for real fun.

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen gives 5 tips for Surviving Christmas Depression, including:

2. Surviving Christmas Depression: Stay Active

3. Surviving Christmas Depression: Start New Traditions

The best article talking about this matter, in my opinion, is from Patty E. Fleener with How to Survive the Holidays. She gives 16 specific tips that she says she could have done when she was spending holidays alone. Some of these include:

1. Done something for someone else, such as volunteer at a soup kitchen, or visiting lonely shut-ins.

2. I could have looked for someone beforehand who might also be alone, to share the day with.

8. Read or watched TV – anything to get my mind off of the day.

10. Screamed into a pillow or ripped up newspaper if it made me feel better.

14. Paint your home or apartment. Do some project, especially if it is physical and can keep your mind busy. Pay your bills, write letters, etc.

There – you have some tips on how you can prepare yourself to not only survive these holidays, but come out of it with more hope and will to improve your life in the year to come.

It’s no shame to be alone at Christmas – take it as a further step on your journey to self-improvement and a better life.

If Hugh Grant did it in About a Boy, so can you.

Happy Holidays to you all and take care of yourself.

Your friend,

Eddie Corbano

The following email from our regular reader “Sachao” from Germany is a very inspiring success story about getting closure and your strength back after she had to face her Ex.

What would YOU do, if you ran into your Ex continuously after returning to a small town after 6 months no-contact?

Please read on.

My ex-boyfriend and I were together for 7 months when I had to go abroad for a semester (6months) to study. I was very excited to go to France and my ex, who had traveled a lot himself, was always very supportive.

Of course, it was a challenge: only together for 7 months and then me going away for 6 months, but I was pretty confident we would make it.

Before I went to France, my ex and I had a big talk: he was having doubts about me going away, and I wanted to clear it once and for all. I wanted to be sure that he really wanted to put in effort in our long distance relation.

During the talk, he stated he really wanted to go for it, make it work and wanted to continue with me. He proposed to book a holiday to Italy after I would come back from my Erasmus, and we booked a couple of weekends where I would return to him or when he would visit me in France.

For me, this was a confirmation that things were going well.

Full of confidence, I went to France.

The first 2 weeks were hard, but afterwards I started to enjoy myself. I noticed my ex and I weren’t having that much contact (he did not call me very often), but I thought he needed to build up his life without me and I needed to build up a life in France.

6 weeks later, out of the blue, my ex called me and said he was having doubts and that he couldnt do it anymore, that his feelings were different.

It was so out of nothing for me, I was totally shocked. He broke up with me over the phone, 5 days before I would return to him for a weekend, not giving me any explanation.

The last part was the hardest, the “I cannot do this anymore” was not enough for me. Why couldn’t he explain more?

Stunned and broken, he was my first love and I had had so much faith in us… how often he would say that what we had was special. And now, he just left me out of the blue. Pretty much without reason, he even said himself “i don’t know why i am doing is but I just can’t anymore”.

Being so far away from my friends and family made it even harder, although I had a lot of support from my friends in France.

The months afterwards I was broken, dazed and confused, but still enjoying my time in France, having no contact whatsoever with my ex. Still, it was influencing my time in France, which looking back, I blame my ex the most.

When the end of my Erasmus came near, I was getting anxious and scared to go back to my hometown, where my ex also lives and studies. And indeed, when I came back, the hardest part had yet to start. Being abroad was a good thing, but also gave me space to run away from my feelings.

When I came back the only people standing at the airport were my parents, my heart broke again. It was a confirmation that it was really over.

In my first week back, I immediately ran into him. I knew this would happen lots of times, since we have some common friends and live in the same small town in Germany.

After a few miserable weeks back in Germany, I HAD to break the no-contact rule. I had to talk to him. Not to get answers, I did not expect any answers, but to tell my ex what I thought of the way he handled it. A relationship break up over the telephone, out of the blue without giving me any time to ask something or to express my thoughts. I needed this for closure.

I already told myself that I was not going to break; I was going to be strong, tell him my thoughts, and walk away.

Luckily my ex responded positive, so we met up.

Strangely enough, when he was sitting in front of me, I was seeing a totally different person than with whom I was together. I told him all my thoughts, but in a strong and confident matter, like it did not bother anymore (which wasn’t true, but i did not want to show him my pain). I was so strong, and saw him looking like a lost young spoiled rich boy more and more.

He admitted everything: he was afraid because of the long distance, had panicked and acted in an impulsive way. For me it was clear that he was too immature and could not handle difficult things, that he was to weak to fight for something. He already had a new girlfriend, somebody who would never go abroad without him, a very ‘easy girl’ who would do anything he says. The opposite of me, but apparently he wants a less complicated relationship now.

I ignored the spark that was still there between us, stayed strong and walked out again. I never have felt so strong. He admitted everything, and I was again the strongest person.

He fell off his pedestal. For me, this was closure.

Now we can walk by and say ‘hi’, without any problems. Sometimes it still hurts a bit, but the way he acts and stands in life is just not for me. I want somebody who want to fight for me, somebody strong enough. Because he was my first love, I did not have any comparison. Now I know, that there are nicer and stronger guys then my ex.

What I want to say is that closure is really important. For me, this was the conversation. Everybody has to find their own closure. Breaking the no-contact rule is only a good thing if your only goal is closure, not getting back together or getting answers. It has to be closure for YOU.

Apart from closure, distraction is a good thing. Go do sports, or go traveling. Just do not run away from your pain, like I did in France. It will catch up and affect you even harder later.

I have become a more confident and strong person from this experience and now see it just as something everybody has to get through sometimes in life. I do not have a new boyfriend yet, but I am starting to enjoy being single again.

Everybody will get their portion of bad luck in life, and you will get through. But you have to WANT to get better, do not stay in the place of the dumpee.

Sachao

What Sachao did was risky and heroic at the same time.

To break no-contact in order to find closure is a noble intention, but unfortunately the reality is very often a different one. Truth is it can go terrible wrong. You walk into it too early or unprepared, you WILL be devastated. Usually I absolutely do not recommend it. It’s simply too risky and there are many ways to get closure without having to involve the Ex.

Luckily it worked out for Sachao and gave her her life back.

What she did was remarkable: she took control of her life.

She refused to be a victim and decided to be strong. She chose to take action instead of being passive.

She was rewarded for that by learning that her Ex isn’t the person she thought he was, that he wasn’t able to live up to her expectations. That gave her the strength to carry on.

Thank you Sachao for your inspiring story and all the best for your future.

What do you think? Is closure a must or simply too risky? Please comment below in the comment section.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

P.S.: By the way, if you have a similar inspiring story to share, please do so by contacting me. Thanks.

Months, or even years after a relationship break up, we will fully realize the fatal mistakes we made right after it happened. Especially the panic controlled actions that made us appear as a different person – often we don’t recognize ourselves any more.

It can bring out the worst in us.

It usually happens that we hate ourselves later for the things we’ve done. This is understandable, but the wrong thing to do. Not only does it damage our self-esteem, which is urgently needed for the recovery, (what’s left of it), but it also destroys the new concept of self-love we are trying to build up.

Avoid these feelings by telling yourself that the past is the past, and concentrate on the NOW.

There is a famous quote where it says that one should learn from the mistakes OTHERS make and thereby avoid them.

On the other hand:

“The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.”
—John Powell

I believe that there are two kinds of mistakes: the kind that you can learn and evolve from, and the kind that should be avoided.

When it comes to post relationship break up mistakes, there are some which better be avoided.  The following fall into that category.

Here are the main mistakes most people make right AFTER a relationship break up:

Mistake #1: Panic Controlled Actions

Confronted by what we think is the worst that can happen to us, we do anything to fight it off: we plead, we beg, cry in front of our Exes, harass, stalk, write e-mails, IMs, etc.

All these things will make you cringe when you later think about it.

I think that almost every “Dumpee” makes these mistakes – I don’t think that they are completely avoidable. These are desperate actions by our “animal” part of the brain, fighting for survival.

The sad thing is that they are completely useless. I’ve never heard that a “Dumper” came back after the “Dumpee” wrote them a gazillion e-mails begging to have mercy.

If you’ve made these mistakes, don’t beat yourself up over them.   If you’re about to commit them, try to resist.

Mistake #2: Reassuring Love

We are committed to thinking that if they only KNEW how much we loved them, they would come back immediately, so we keep telling them – over and over again.

The only problem is, they KNOW. They’re breaking up anyway.

Breakups happen rarely because the “Dumper” thinks that they are not being loved. Constant reassurance only leads to humiliation.

Mistake #3: Hoping To Stay Friends

This is a very common mistake that is often made by those having little experience with relationship break ups.

I know that your Ex was your best friend, your intimate partner, the closest person to you. But it is impossible to maintain this kind of relationship AFTER the breakup. Everything has changed – nothing is as it was before.

You can’t count on your Ex any longer, because they will harm you more than they would help.

The good news is, you CAN find another support system: Look for old friends who used to be close. Your family should also be of great help.

Use every connection you have for support – you need it.

Mistake #3 leads us directly to the next one.

Mistake #4: Maintaining Contact

The no-contact rule is the number one precondition IF you want to get over your relationship break up fast.

Look at it like a drug addict: you can’t get clean with YOUR drug right in front of you.

I talk about this is more detail here.

Mistake #5: Use Your Exes Friends And Family

Out of the ambition to make sense out of all of it, we use their friends or their family. We interview, manipulate and try to use them for our purposes.

Besides the fact that they rarely know anything about the deeper reasons, it really is inappropriate to involve a third person in your breakup. This is something that’s between you and your Ex.

If you do this, you will regret it later.

Mistake #6: Rebound Relationships

Many people leapfrog into a new affair right after their relationship breaks up.

I absolutely do not recommend that.

It may appear that this is the best thing to do in order to get over your Ex but, believe me, the opposite is the case.

You will be constantly comparing to your Ex, everything will remind you of them and you will be frustrated, because NOBODY is as good as your Ex.  (This is an illusion of course).

It will throw you back and it will mask your pain, hiding you from the issues your breakup needs to resolve. Don’t deny yourself the opportunity to work these things out. If you do, you have to face that problem again and again, from relationship to relationship.

For many people, healing will not start until they are alone with themselves, confronting their inner demons.

These are the main mistakes most people make right AFTER their relationship breaks up.

Please don’t beat yourself up if you’ve already made some of them.  Even if they should be avoided, some of these mistakes are part of the healing and learning process.

So even IF you will look back month/years later and regret a few things you’ve done, they might have been necessary to get you to the point you are today.

Now it’s your turn, tell me, which one if these mistakes have you made?

(Photograph is a courtesy of LunaDiRimmel)

If it’s true that Love bears many similarities to a game, then it must also be true that being prepared and having a feeling of control of one’s position on the playing field are very important aspects of performing well. Perhaps there is no time other than when your team is behind, disoriented and otherwise being trampled that this feeling of confidence in your resources is more important.

The end of a relationship whether through separation or divorce is almost always difficult, and a large part of the feeling of difficulty is a result of the fact that the relationship however dysfunctional or broken it might have been, was in some way a safe, consistent place.  And now it is over, and the fear of the unknown is almost always intimidating. The men who come to our site, DadsDivorce.com, magnify the intensity of the romantic breakup as a result of the fact that the relationship in question is a marriage and supposed to last forever, there are co-mingled finances as well as emotions, and often, there are children involved.

A large part of the impact that our men feel when going through divorce is due to this loss of control that often accompanies it. Undisputed numbers suggest that over 85% of all divorces are initiated by the woman, and so we guys are often blindsided and forced to deal with this major life change with little or no preparation.

This means that we must then make decisions regarding attorneys and other members of our divorce team (you knew that it’s best, if possible to assemble a team, didn’t you?) on the fly. The fact that there is little time for preparation before we must hit the ground running (she’s already cruising along toward marital dissolution at 100mph), that we must respond thoughtfully and intelligently to her and her lawyer’s demands and requests for information, payment, and whatever else, that we hope our attorney is responsive and truly working to protect our best interests and the best interests of our children, that we are probably dealing with the emotional reality of somehow working this out for ourselves and with our children so that they continue to feel loved and secure while the real world caves in around them.

In an effort to manage this overwhelming sense of loss of control, DadsDivorce.com sponsoring partner, Cordell & Cordell, P.C., a law firm focusing on men going through divorce, is featuring a new addition to their already comprehensive services that is accessible via the DadsDivorce website.

A good divorce attorney, like a good doctor, empowers his client. He does not hide behind the veil of convenience simply because interacting with a client takes time.  It is important to have a legal as well as psychological, emotional and parental game plan if it is at all possible. But, given that most men have very little time for thoughtful planning, it is incredibly important that the lines of dialogue be open and free-flowing during these difficult times.

As a client, you will likely have many questions, comments or suggestions as to how your divorce case is managed.  In addition, the client deserves to know exactly what he is being billed for and what the balance is that remains in his account.  As well, the client needs organizational tools to help him build his case and to keep him informed of important upcoming dates, meetings, and court appearances.

The technology that allows a divorce client to interact with his or her attorney is emerging. Now, confidential files and lines of communication are able to be opened and accessed securely. With this in mind, Cordell & Cordell, P.C., is introducing their Client Collaboration Center on the DadsDivorce.com website. There, clients of Cordell & Cordell, P.C. will find immediate 24/7 access to their client records, an attorney/client forum that allows them to pose questions to their attorney at any time, a custody calendar that allows them to organize their lives around their children while keeping track of child support payments, doctors visits, school information and additional items, as well as all client billing information. The Cordell & Cordell Client Collaboration Center returns the control and confidence to a client who otherwise might feel out of his comfort zone and continually playing catch-up.

Most features of the Client Collaboration Center require representation by Cordell & Cordell, P.C.; however, the very valuable Online Custody Calendar is free and accessible to anyone who registers. It allows divorcing parents to keep records regarding their children, receipts, important dates, notes, and professional information regarding their children’s school, activities and medical care.

It is important for the sanity of an individual that he or she feel a sense of balance and control over their lives in order to get through the difficulties of a break-up or divorce. Counselors, networks of friends, and family can certainly help, but in the case of divorce or when child custody or assets are at stake as well as emotions, it is important to find an attorney with whom you can feel connected, in synch, and empowered.