Relationships end. They end all the time and for all sorts of reasons.  Despite our best intentions, sometimes people just aren’t compatible, or they have different life paths. In fact, most people don’t find “the one” until after a series of “failed” relationships.  Ending a relationship doesn’t make you a bad person, even if you fear that your partner will see you that way.

Too often, we stay long after we know we should leave, because we can’t stand to abandon someone we still care about.  The thoughts cycle through our head:

• “I don’t want to hurt her”
• “I feel responsible for him”
• “I can’t stand to make her cry”
• “He’s not going to be able to cope without me”
• “She’s such a good person and doesn’t deserve to have her heart broken”
• “He doesn’t have a good social support system to get him through this”
• “She’s going to hate me forever”

These feelings are natural, and show that you’re a caring, compassionate person.  However, this desire to protect your partner can keep you living a lie.  You owe your partner honesty and respect; you don’t owe him or her continued devotion when the relationship has expired in your heart and mind.

It can be especially difficult when you make a promise to your partner, and it conflicts with what your heart is telling you.  For example, what if you’re engaged, and you develop strong feelings that the engagement is a mistake?

I can’t tell you what to do in circumstances like that — major life decisions need to be taken on a case-by-case basis.  However, I can say that the feelings of regret and second-thoughts need to be brought out in the open with your partner.  Otherwise, the feelings will build, and you may come to unfairly resent your partner.  Don’t let guilty feelings silence you.

If you’re delaying a breakup, remember:

1. Heartbreak is a fact of life

As sad as it seems, we all sign-up for the possibility of heartbreak when we go into a relationship.  In fact, most relationships end in some form of painful feelings.  It’s futile to try to protect people from this, and any attempt to do so will only result in more pain.  In a way, heartbreak is a beautiful thing:  It shows us how vulnerable we are, and it makes the good times that much better.

2. If the roles were switched, you’d want to know ASAP

Would you want to be in a relationship with someone who secretly desires a breakup?  You deserve someone who wants to be with you, and so does your partner.

3. You’re wasting both your time and your partner’s time

You’re only becoming more invested as you stay.  You’re also taking up your partner’s time when he or she should be on the road to healing.

4. Nobody should have to fake their feelings

Withholding your feelings or pretending that everything is OK is stressful for you. What’s more, your partner can probably sense that something’s wrong.  Once you finally drop the news, it will be obvious that you weren’t acting authentic for a long time.  It will be painful when your partner realizes that you were “faking it” for him or her.

I hope you’re convinced that – once you know you that you want to leave – the breakup should happen sooner rather than later. I’ll be back with more tips for people dealing with the difficult issue of ending a relationship.

-Michael

As if the news that your partner doesn’t want to be with you any longer isn’t enough, they often think they have to try to comfort you – to make you feel better.

What most of the “Dumpers” simply do not understand is: they CANNOT give any comfort. They are only able to give as much comfort as a drug would to a drug addict.

But I don’t blame them.

I’ve been both, “Dumpee” and “Dumper”. The truth is when you care, none of these roles is a walk in the park.

There are certain rules you can follow to break up gracefully, yes, but most of the “Dumpers” have never heard of this.

The result is – they say stupid things that make you hate them, and prolong your healing time.

I’ve listed below 10 of the worst phrases dumpers have thrown at my readers, as reported in the emails I receive. Hopefully YOU will not make the same mistakes in the future.

1. “We can still be friends”

This is an all-time classic.

There are actually three things behind this:

1. The dumper thinks that being friends with you will make it easier
2. The dumper doesn’t want you to disappear completely from their life, (but also doesn’t want you IN their life)
3. The dumper wants to take advantage of you in some way, (friends, sex, influence, etc.)

The no-contact rule demands that there is no friendship after a break up, and this is proven to be the best way to go.

Period.

2. “It’s not you, it’s me…”

This is something completely stupid to say.

When you are looking for an answer, an explanation, then this answer will confuse you completely.

3. “I love you still, but…”

This sentence is also a big no-no.

Although I admit that there can be situations where the Dumper honestly thinks that they still love the person with whom they are breaking up with, but it is NOT ok to say it.

I understand that the dumper might think that it’s easier for the one left behind, but trust me, it isn’t. On the contrary, it is MUCH harder to hear that your Ex still loves you.

“Then why is he breaking up with me?” This is a legitimate question, which the Dumper never could answer in a way that the Dumpee understands it.

There are some more stupid phrases in the same category:

• “I will always love you”
• “I’m always there for you”
• “I have loved you so much”
• “You are and always will be someone special to me”
• “I don’t want to lose you”

These are all terrible statements you really don’t want to hear from your Ex who’s breaking up with you.

4. “I am simply not the relationship-type”

This is sort of a classic one.

People have written me that they’ve heard this one after several years of being together. With this background, such a sentence is only a slap in the face, and an insult.

5. “I am not good enough for you”

This is usually followed by, “You deserve better than me”.

This one, while also meant to give comfort, accomplishes the opposite.

6. “I need time to think”

The next thing you are going to hear after this is usually, “We should take a time-out”.

This happens a lot and is almost always a sign of cowardice: The dumper had the plan to break up, but pulled the plug. Instead they are postponing the problem, on the cost of the one left behind. The following “time-out” will be hell for them: they don’t know whether they have been dumped or not. The uncertainty is just unbearable.

In this case, I recommend for you to reply: “I don’t want a time-out.  You have to decide right away whether you want to continue the relationship or not!”

7. “That’s life!”

Yes, life means making experiences, the good and the ugly – but I don’t need YOU to tell me this during the break up, dear Dumper!

8. “I really don’t want to hurt you”

I’m sure you don’t want to hurt the one you’re breaking up with, but I’ve got news for you: You ALWAYS do.

It’s impossible to break up with someone without hurting. That’s a fact. All you can do is follow some rules and try to make it as graceful as possible.

This is of course difficult, but doable.

9. “I’m sure that I will regret this”

Now what’s that supposed to mean? Is this a hidden clue that it might later come to reconciliation?

While this is very often just an expression the Dumper throws in without thinking about it, the Dumpee will not forget it. In fact, this sole expression will most likely lead to harmful “overthinking”.

10. “I don’t know what I want”

This is very often an attempt to draw attention to themselves, hoping to distract from the horrible situation that is happening. If it’s followed by something like, “my life is a mess”, then the Dumper is trying to be pitiful.

They don’t know what they want, but they still want to break up.

Don’t play this game.

Conclusion

If you are the Dumper, then please avoid sentences like this. I’m sure they are said with the best intentions, but they can only do harm to the person left behind.

Plan ahead what you are going to say, be clear in your intention and leave no doubt. This is the best you can do.

If you are the Dumpee and your Ex throws sentences like this at you, try to not take them to heart. Ignore them the best you can.

All the information you need is that your partner wants to break up with you, as painful as that might be.

The best you can do is to forget everything they say while breaking up, how they say it is not relevant. The consequences of it are hard enough to deal with – don’t burden yourself with the details.

Now it’s your turn: What have you heard from your Ex that you really hated? Please list those phrases in the comment section.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

The main problem when breaking up with someone is how to make it painless for the other person. There are some basic things to consider on how to break up gracefully, but there is one fundamental truth you have to accept: there is no painless way to do it.

Knowing this of course does not mean that it doesn’t matter how you break up – for instance breaking up with someone the “cruel way”.

That’s definitely not recommended.

You always have to keep in mind: once you’ve decided to discontinue the relationship, (I’ve shown you how to decide this), this relationship is over for you. Keeping up the relationship after making this decision is not fair, against all rules and simply a waste of time.

So, once you are certain, you have to find a way to let the person know:

• that it’s absolutely over
• that you are absolutely serious
• that there is no doubt about it
• that there’s no way back

BUT, and this is the difficulty, you have to be graceful and sensitive.

The only way to accomplish that successfully is to distance yourself from the person you have been for your partner in your relationship. Or, to put it another way, be different than you were during your relationship BUT in a graceful and sensitive way.

Also, please avoid some common platitudes like, “we can still be friends” or “if it’s meant to be then we’ll get back together again… some day”. This is not helpful.

Remember, the best favor you can do your partner when breaking up is to not leave the slightest doubt that it’s over (again: be nice).

If you want an example how NOT to do it, check out the following video (please keep in mind that this is very exaggerated and meant to make you laugh!):

Very funny… or maybe not for all of us?

I’m pretty sure that there are some guys in the world that have actually dumped their girlfriends in a similar way to this, but I also know that a “normal”, sensitive guy who cares for the ex-partner would NEVER, ever do it in such a cruel way.

So watch that video and have a good laugh, and let it remind you that you have a responsibility to make a graceful clean break if you have decided to break up.

Do this for the good of your ex-partner, and for you on your journey towards being a better person.

Your friend,

Eddie Corbano

To lose someone, no matter on which side you are, is always painful. You cannot run away from that. What you can do is make sure that you follow some rules to make it easier for you and the one who’s left behind.

Here are three interesting questions and answers for you that can help you get a deeper understanding on how to break up gracefully.

The questions and answers

1. What is the best way to break-up with a person? Face to face?

It is definitely the best way to do the break up face to face for two main reasons:

First, it is a question of respect.

If your relationship was largely happy and based on mutual respect, then face to face is a must. You simply owe to your partner that you tell him personally and look him in the eye.

Second, this will make it easier for the person.

A devastating truth is always absorbed better when told by someone that is near to you. This way you can also answer questions the Ex-partner might ask.

It’s in some way a last eye-to-eye goodbye.

I also think that it wouldn’t be very good for the self-esteem of the “dumper” not to do this personally. This is a very important experience to make.

Of course, the above applies only for “normal” relationships, not abusive or dangerous ones.

2. Is the best part of breaking up getting back together again?

I think that there rarely are reasons for getting back together again. Once you broke up, there is almost never a way back. That is why I teach how to use the break up as an opportunity for self improvement.

There are reasons for break ups. An these are often very deep and do not manifest themselves over night. A good conversation is rarely enough to overcome these problems. Good make up sex is rarely a good reason for trying again as well. This is just a continuation of something that’s already doomed, with a fatal end in sight.

Of course the exceptions are so called impulsive break ups, when you walk away from a fight pretending that it’s over. Then the making up could in fact be helpful for the relationship. But these almost never occur in longer relationships.

3. What should you never say during a break-up?

You should definitely never say anything that can lead to hope. This is one of the most important rules. If you really want to break up (you should be very sure about this in advance), then be very clear about it.

The classic is: “maybe we’ll get back together again if it’s meant to be”. This gives the “dumpee” wrong hope, which can immensely delay his healing process. It also would subconsciously hold you back from moving on.

“Deep inside I will love you forever” is the worst you can say for the same reason, even if true.

Also, confronting the person with mistakes he has made during the relationship is not the best thing to do. The best thing is to point out that you don’t fit together and that you wanted to move on.

The responsibility is to make it as easy for the dumpee as it can be and this includes sometimes leaving out certain facts and things we’d like to say.

Finally, one should never lose his temper and yell or swear. This will only make things worse and more complicated. One should be prepared for various reactions, some break down and cry, others get aggressive or appear to be cool from the outside. The key is to be friendly and understanding but also clear in your intend.

I hope that I gave you some more insights about coping with this difficult task. As I said before, there is no easy and painless way, but you can avoid some common mistakes.

All the best,

Eddie Corbano

(Graphic made be Eddie Corbano, © all rights reserved)

Everybody knows that it‘s a devastating experience to be left by someone you really love, be it a break up or divorce. We all have gone through this at least one time in our life. But the fact that it is also very difficult to be the one who actually leaves is something you only know if you have experienced it.

So, the question arises: how to break up with someone?

Relationships come to an end possibly, the reasons are numerous.

They all have in common that one member of the relationship is dissatisfied and pulls back. Maybe he has tried for some time to adjust the relationship according to his wishes. If this fails, he usually quits emotionally long before the actual break up. That is often the reason why the “dumpee” has the impression that the “dumper” is cold hearted—he left mentally months ago.

How to decide if the relationship should be ended or not?

They say that breaking up is hard to do
Now I know, I know that it’s true
—NEIL SEDACA

Here are some guidelines you can consider when taking into account to end a relationship:

• Does the relationship allow you to evolve according to your wishes?
• Does the relationship fulfill your needs?
• Is it possible to have goals together and achieve them?
• Does your partner accept you as you are?
• Can you resolve conflicts together?
• Are you feeling good in your relationship?
• Is the communication with your partner good?

If your answer to these question is in the majority “no” then it is probably time to move on.

So, you want to break up with your girlfriend/boyfriend and you don’t know how to do this? You’ve never done it before or wrong in the past and you could use a helping hand?

The first thing you have to realize is that there is no painless way.

It simply doesn’t exist. No magical words which take the pain away. It will hurt them and it may also hurt you. There is nothing you can do about this. You can only avoid some common mistakes and make it a little easier for them.

As you continue reading, you are about to learn the steps on how to break up with someone the best way. If you have made your decision, just use the following steps as a guideline.

How to break up with someone in 7 steps:

1. Keep a few days distance

It is very advisable to maintain some distance to your partner before you actually break up. This has many advantages. On one side you will gain some emotional distance, which is important to be able to go through the steps listed below.

On the other side, your partner will sense that something is about to happen and will hopefully emotionally prepare himself.

Just cut off contact for a week before. Do not give too much information, just say you’re busy.

2. Try to be sure about your decision

I know, that’s a tough one, especially when you love the person in question, or are very close to him/her.

Chances are that you were thinking about breaking up for a long time. You have come to the conclusion that you don’t fit together, have different expectations about life or were unable to resolve or get to the bottom of your conflicts. Maybe you have simply realized that you do not love your partner.

Either way, try to be sure that there is no chance of getting things right again. I wrote “try”, because I know that these things are not always easy to realize. You can be relatively positive on your decision, if you have tried for several times to work on your relationship by talking about your problems with your partner.

To help you with making the decision I suggest that you make a list with all the reasons why you want to break up and write a possible solution beside it. Then go through your list and reflect if you have done everything to solve the problems you’ve had.

By knowing the reasons for the upcoming break up you will on one hand be prepared for questions your partner might ask, on the other hand they will help you to cope with the break up yourself.

So, are you absolutely sure?

Next step.