Is checking your boyfriend or girlfriend’s email okay?

In a word, NO.

I would never give my boyfriend the password to my email address and he would never give me his. Is it because we don’t trust each other? No. We value our privacy and respect each other’s privacy. We trust each other completely.

Why is sharing your passwords with your boyfriend or girlfriend not the smartest thing to do?

A boyfriend innocently gives his girlfriend his password to his email so she can check something for him when he can’t get on a computer to get online. He doesn’t bother to change the password after, and the girlfriend remembers her boyfriend’s quirky password.

Somewhere down the road, she gets a little suspicion that he may be flirting with another girl. So what is the first thing she does? Checks his email of course. She may even try out the password on some of his other online accounts. She may find nothing, but ever since she first snooped, she begins to habitually check his email and becomes obsessive; addicted even. She knows it’s wrong but can’t help to use this to her “advantage” to keep an eye on her boyfriend. If her boyfriend found out she’d feel ashamed and embarrassed, but she can’t help but feel tempted to check her boyfriend’s email – and in a way she feels that as long as he doesn’t know she is checking his email, it’s “okay.”

Should she really be in this relationship if she can’t trust her boyfriend?

The above scenario happens all the time.

Frank and I give long distance relationship advice both on and off our site. We have come across quite a few snoopers along the way. Most snoopers are good people that acquired their boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s password innocently. If your boyfriend ever gave you his password, might you not feel tempted to go back and read his emails? Even if you had no reason to feel suspicious? For most habitual snoopers, once they start, they can’t stop.

That is why I advise people to not share their passwords with anyone, not even a boyfriend or girlfriend.

But what if you are a snooper, and you stumbled across something that indicates your boyfriend wasn’t truthful, or is talking to someone he shouldn’t be, or even cheating?

We say, confront him or her.

If you found evidence of his/her wrongdoings, let him/her know you know rather than keeping silent to avoid admitting that you’re a snoop.

Your relationship has problems: you have no trust and he/she is dishonest. Get everything out in the clear if you expect to salvage the relationship. A relationship cannot survive if there is secrecy, distrust, and dishonesty. You both did something wrong and now is the chance to make things right and get things out in the open.

Want to quit the snooping addiction?

Even if you haven’t dug up any dirt when you’ve snooped, you have to quit snooping. However, it can be hard to stop when you still know your boyfriend/girlfriend’s password – especially if something comes up that gives you the urge. If you’re snooping, you have trust issues and now is a better time than never to work on learning how to trust again.

As with any sort of addicting behavior, the only way to begin to overcome the addiction is to remove the source of temptation. Nip this in the bud as early as possible – you have to let them know about your snooping so they can change their password(s) to get rid of that temptation. As long as you know their password, you will always have that temptation there.

If they had nothing to hide, they will either take it well or they will be really upset that you didn’t trust them. However, like you, they’ll want you to be able to trust them and will be more keen to working with you on your trust issues.

Haven’t snooped yet?

If you haven’t snooped and are reading this because you are wondering if snooping is okay, or justifiable, the answer is an obvious no. If you ever want to find something out – if you have those sneaking suspicions your boyfriend or girlfriend is up to no good – then the only right way to handle the situation is to simply ASK.

Snooping is a symptom of a relationship with poor communication and trust issues.

When people come to us for long distance relationship advice, their problem is always related to poor communication. Couples tend to avoid talking about their individual concerns because they are afraid of rocking the boat: they are scared to ask questions that haunt their thoughts (eg. “Are you cheating on me?”). They resort to snooping to find out the truth, but how good is this evidence if you cannot use it against your partner because you do not want to let them know you are a snoop?

The best thing you can do is bring up your issues, talk them out, ask the questions you want to ask. Your relationship will benefit from it more than you will benefit from being quiet and letting the problems eat away at your relationship without a word.

You have a relationship with someone sweet and kind. They know you, and care for you deeply. That is great!  Unfortunately, you feel that distance is the only thing keeping your “Long Distance Relationship” from being a “Long Relationship.”

Not so great.

Phone calls help, and so does instant messaging. Maybe that webcam you use every once and a while makes it seem like your boyfriend/girlfriend is right there with you while you surf the internet. Even as you use these great marvels of technology, it is still clear that you are separated by distance.

So what are you going to do? Talk on the phone more?

No, the phone was invented because people were far away. The mere fact that it exists reminds you that you are separated. The same thing goes for the webcam, too. You do not normally use a webcam with your neighbor.

Some of you might say right now, “Well, there goes half of what we do to communicate.” And as you all know, communication is paramount to a successful relationship. The key to shrinking that feeling of separation in the relationship is to do activities that non-LDR couples do – just modified.

Quick, name the typical date for two people that live in the same town. I bet most of you said going to the movies. Guess what you next date is with your significant other: movie date.

The first step would be to make sure you have a date night. A night where you try to keep open every week, or every other week, where you can give each other full attention for a period of time (A long distance relationship needs some regularity to it; a date night is one of those regular things which provides you something that you may look forward to).

Now, pick a movie. Rent one, find one (legally) online, borrow a friend’s. Just make sure that you have the same type of copy. Do not have a downloaded copy if your girlfriend has the actual DVD.

Now, pop some popcorn or make some nachos, and start the movie at the exact same time. Call them up and say, “One, two, three, start!” You can keep the phone on during the movie if you like to talk to each other during the movie, or not. You just had a movie date. The only difference was that you could not see your boyfriend/girlfriend.  So, to take care of that, turn on your webcam. Now you can watch them and the movie at the same time.

If you said dinner and a movie when I asked what a typical date was, you can do that too.

Cook the same thing or order the same take-out. I have even heard of a boyfriend surprising his girlfriend by ordering delivery food without her knowing. He ordered the same food for himself from his local restaurant as well.

Have plenty of pictures of you and your partner together. That way, you can look at your wall and remember the last time you were together.

I know plane flights are expensive and some of you have never met. No problem: edit some pictures so it looks like you were together. Take a picture of yourself with your arms out, and have your boyfriend take a picture of them (facing the correct direction) with their arms out, then Photoshop, MSPaint, scissors and glue. Then, as an added bonus, recreate that picture when you do meet.

So what if you never have actually touched them, you can see what it will look like. You can almost imagine it. You can almost feel it.

The way to eliminate the distance is to pretend like there is no distance.

Use your imagination.

Come up with new and clever ways to turn your “Long Distance Relationship” into a “Long Relationship.”

(Photograph is a courtesy of Tonyç)

Usually I refer them to my groundbreaking article, which has been translated to 30 languages, printed and sold over 30 million copies , on how to make a long distance relationship work, along with a little tip.

Now I am about to reveal this very special long distance relationship tip I used myself and which helped me a great deal when I was in that situation myself. I haven’t found this on other sites, so I think I am sort of the inventor of this “technique”.

Lean back and read on, the following tip will help you tighten your long distance relationship bond.

The Main Problem In A Long Distance Relationship

“Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.”
—Kahlil Gibran

The most important premise in a long distance relationship is trust.

If there is no trust, then sooner or later there will be plenty of problems. Jealousy will occur, there will be efforts to control your partner, which often leads to mutual distrust. The road the relationship will then take is not pleasant. Trust me on this one.

A lack of trust can have different reasons: low self-esteem, bad experiences in your past (experiences in the relationship as well as early childhood experiences), insecurities, a deep belief that you don’t deserve love, etc.

I will cover how you can specifically fight upcoming jealousy another time. For now I want to give a tip how you can minimize the opportunities for jealousy and at the same time keep your connection alive.

The Daily Reports Technique

Use this additionally to your usual communication:

I recommend that you send each other something I call “daily-reports”. These are emails with photographs enclosed which you have made during the day. Include a short report what you have done this today and the most remarkable experience of the day.

This does not need to be very long, just a small roundup of your day. This should not take you longer than 15 minutes.

If you want to do this more professionally, you could set up a free blog (this is done in minutes), password protect it and write these “daily-reports” into that blog. You could even include some videos.

A blog has the advantage that you can see all entries at once and they are easier to manage than e-mails.

As I have said, I used this technique myself with great success. You will notice that these “daily-reports” are much more intense and have a greater impact on you than phone-calls or chatting.

Try it.

There are two very important requirements for this technique:

Now, this is great and can only help you maintaining your long distance relationship, but be aware that there are two hidden dangers.

1. Both parties have to agree to do this.

There is no point in this, if one of you doesn’t really fancy doing that. This is supposed to be fun.

Imagine the joy you would feel when you sum up your day for your love. Imagine the great feeling when you’d get the text-massage: “new report online”.

2. No distrust and fighting if someone missed a day.

This is dangerous. All advantages would be for nothing at all if this happens.

Talk about it in advance. Agree that it’s no big deal, if someone hasn’t had the time and missed a day. The “daily-reports” should not be a pain in your lower back, but something you’re looking forward to.

Try it for a week and see how it works.

If done correctly this will reestablish trust and bring you closer together. You will play a more active part in your partners life despite the fact that there are miles and miles between you.

Long distance relationships are hard enough, try to make them more bearable.

For that I wish you all the best,

Eddie

(Photograph is from istockphoto / Goldmund)

I am receiving many e-mails after my article how to make a long distance relationship work. People are asking me if they should go for a long distance relation ship or not, will it turn out well, for how long is it ok, and so on. I try to answer every e-mail detailed. But in the majority of cases my respond is usually: Yes, I would always go for it, if you feel it is special, if you have a clear time frame, if you are willing to follow my rules, and last but not least: if you believe in it.

Many of you have had a non-working long distance relationship in your past, so your hopes and self-esteem regarding long distance relationships are not high. For this reason I have decided to list some benefits of a long distance relationship to make your decision easier and to give you some hope as well. You are not alone, there are hundreds of thousands of working long distance relationships around the globe.

I said that I usually always recommend to go for the long distance relationship, however there are a few exceptions.

If the duration of the separation is unusually long and the chance for monthly meetings are extremely low, it is going to become very hard. In that case I recommend to think it over, especially you are very young. I am well aware that it is very difficult to say no to the relationship out of rational reasons, but eventually that would be a better solution. Otherwise it may lead to frustration, anger and pain.

But for now, let’s assume that you have not more than one year or so to go and you know that you can follow the 10 rules.

Here are the top 5 reasons to consider why to go for a long distance relationship:

1. Better sorry than safe

There is nothing sadder than a missed opportunity.

A very wise man once said to me: “I never regret things I’ve done, but I regret many things I have not done”.

You never know how things are before you try them. Every single experience, good or bad, enriches your life in some way. It builds the basement for decisions in the future. They make you wiser and build up your self-esteem. Let alone that in every missed opportunity you may have missed the love of your life.

All the good things in life involve a certain risk, but the biggest risk in life is missing out.

Think about that.

2. You gain time for other things

“Finally I can take the Spanish course”.

A long distance relationship isn’t as time consuming as a regular relationship. You can use the free time to reach your personal or job related goals. You have more time for your career, friends, hobbies and family.

3. It’s the ultimate test of seriousness

“I really mean it baby”. Now you can prove your commitment.

There is no point enduring a long distance relationship if you don’t mean it, if you are not fully committed. It just doesn’t work. After a few weeks/months first girl/boy that comes around you like you will break out.

So, this is a test whether you are committed and suitable for each other for a long term relationship.

Of course, this only applies to couples who were together before they were separated in a long distance relationship. If you’ve met in a chat room it’s the other way around.

4. You learn to treasure these rare moments together

Fact is, you’ll probably see each other only 1-2 times a month, if at all. These rare meetings will be an explosion of passion and love. All the longing will focus into this short meeting.

It’s a good lesson to realize what really matters in a relationship.

5. You really get to know each other

It is much easier and much more natural to get to know somebody through e-mail. All the outside-stuff is left out. It is easier to open up, you learn the inner world of you partner.

No pretending, no beautifying.

This also makes the meetings more intense.

There you have it, some thoughts why to take a chance and go for it.

Please do me two favors.

Tell me your thoughts about this. Have you survived a long distance relationship? So why would you recommend it? I’m looking forward to your comments.

The other thing is, please participate in the following survey, I’m really interested how many of you would go for it again.

(survey closed)

I hope that I gave you some insights which will help you make the decision. Don’t take it too easy, a long distance relationship is very hard, but it could give you so much in the end.

Ask me about it!

Your friend,

Eddie Corbano

(Photograph is from istockphoto / humonia)

“The fear of loss is a path to the dark side” – Master Yoda

Fears. Or more precisely: Fear Of Loss.

We know them, we are aware that they are bad, yet most of us seem incapable of shaking them off. I tell you, in fact, they are more dangerous for you than you can image. They paralyze you, make it impossible for you to stand up and take care of the problem. It’s important, however, to know them by name, so that you can choke them off early. This article will teach you how.

Napoleon Hill introduced us to the six ghosts of fear: the basic fears of which every human suffers to a certain degree. They are:

• The fear of POVERTY
• The fear of CRITICISM
• The fear of ILL HEALTH
• The fear of LOSS OF LOVE OF SOMEONE
• The fear of OLD AGE
• The fear of DEATH

Some people tend to suffer only from one specific fear, but most of us are affected by several of them.

It is vitally important that you are absolutely clear that fears are a state of mind. We consciously or unconsciously create fears to protect ourselves, allegedly. In fact, they create an opposite effect to protection. In the stone age fears had their right to exist. A “good healthy fear” of anything insured the stone age man’s survival. Yet he knew nothing about fear of criticism, poverty or old age. These are “civilization fears” we created artificially.

So, some fears have been good back then, but what nowadays really protects us is the absence of fear. Hill gives us the example of the physicians, who never became infected by contagious diseases because of their immunity which solely consisted on their absolute lack of fear.

Does that mean that merely fear is attracting just what we are afraid of? You can bet it does. That’s the law of attraction helping us to get what we desire. And we do exactly that: we have it constantly in our mind, connect it with a very powerful emotion, negative but powerful. That’s all the law of attraction needs to fulfill our thoughts.

Think about that.

The fear of loss is the basic fear of loosing a person you love. A person you think you need in your life in order to survive. Would you believe me when I say that I experienced myself how my fear of loosing literally drove the person I loved away from me? That is true.

When we fear to loose someone, we’d take measures that we think will ensure the person we love stayed with us. What would we do? What measures would we take?

• We would do anything to assure that our partner loved us
• We would very often tell them that we loved them ourselves
• We would very often get very very jealous
• We would accuse, argue, fight

Jealousy is in fact the most common symptom for that fear.

And all this because we are afraid to loose our partner, despite of loving him/her so much.

I will give you an example.

Here’s an email of a reader that demonstrates what I mean:

We have both been hurt in past relationships, her more so than I have. I was cheated on by a girlfriend at 17, and that’s following me to this day. Since we both live so far away, and we won’t get to see each other again since august, past fears have started to resurface in both of us, especially since we have recently learned in more detail our sexual past. For some reason, even though neither of us has even thought of being with someone else physically or otherwise since we’ve met or even become exclusive, this has distraught us to the point of severe anxiety and depression over the last few days. The mere thought of her with another guy drives me insane, and the thought of me with another girl drives her insane. These thoughts have started to plague both of us.

We talk about it incessantly, and it seems like the only way to cope with them is to reassure each other every day. It has gotten to the point, a few days ago, where neither of us could function normally during the day because of the severe anxiety caused by these thoughts. Furthermore, we are so afraid of them that neither of us wants the other to be around persons of the opposite sex for too long, and we are even afraid of the possibility of flirting with other people. I trust her, and I know she won’t do it, but somehow I can’t get these nagging thoughts out of my head.

This distance thing has been the hardest thing I’ve had to do in my life, and I have absolutely every intention to marry this girl in the next couple of years, so how do I cope with these thoughts? Neither of us ever spends ANY time with people of the opposite sex, and so it seems unreasonable to even have these thoughts, and yet we get jealous at the POSSIBILITY of unfaithfulness, even though this has never happened and neither of us ever do it. What can we do?

Being in a long distance relationship doesn’t help in this situation, it makes things worse.

I wrote to this young reader that the solution here is to understand and accept that they can not help each other in that matter. They’ve learned already that reassuring faithfulness only lasts about 24 hours, before it haunts them again.

So, it is indispensable that both work on their personal problems first. The solution for their relationship problems will follow.

There a multiple reasons for the fear of loss and it is not always clear where the fear is coming from. It is my opinion that when fear of loss and fear of unfaithfulness gets real bad it is usually a lack of self-confidence, the feeling you do not deserve each other. Very often you have some experiences in your life, like being dumbed or being cheated on, that amplify that believe.

That is why reassuring each others faithfulness usually doesn’t work.

You first have to learn that you are lovable persons. You have to love YOURSELVES first. You have to be FAITHFUL that whatever happens, you will deal with it. Affirmations are a very good way to achieve this. Only then you will notice that the fear of loss and unfaithfulness will be gone. And only then you will have trust in each other. Overcoming jealousy is first loving yourself and getting clear with yourself. All else will follow.

Of course, this seems like an arduous task, the inner voices keep telling the opposite, but you have to work constantly on it.

There is no other or easier way. At least I don’t know one.

Keep fighting this haunting ghost, for it knows only evil.

Your friend,

Eddie Corbano

(Photograph is a courtesy of Lorena)

I receive many emails regarding surviving a long distance relationship and what the rules are. And how to support a relationship when you’re thousands of miles apart?

So, before I post an article on the question whether to go for a long distance relationship or not (find the 10 Rules To Make Long Distance Relationships Work here), I thought I make a humorous approach first, so you have something to laugh about. Call it a funny aptitude check up on surviving a long distance relationship.

On the other hand, you can turnabout every item of the whole list, and you get pretty good advice on what’s important for a long distance relationship.

Here are 10 reasons why long distance relationships would be a bad thing for you:

10. Your credo is “out of sight, out of mind”, and you are a very unromantic person.

9. Your second credo is “wait and see” rather than “plan and act”, and you are a very lazy person.

8. You don’t even trust your own mother. Everybody is a potential threat.

7. You are only interested in short-termed amorous adventures. Your longest relationship lasted for 3 days only.

6. You keep your feelings and thoughts to yourself, your shrink doesn’t even know your name.

5. You are a couch-potato, leaving your apartment makes you freak out ’cause it’s a real world out there.

4. You hate to be on the phone, because you work 12 hours a day in a call-center, where you have to sell insurances to lonely housewives.

3. You call your boy/girlfriend in the middle of the night, just to check if he/she’s at home, then come by, checking if his / her lights are on.

2. You are a computer noob. You think that the yahoo messenger is a lottery cash notifier.

And the Number One Reason for not being suitable for long distance relationships is:

1. You are that pessimistic, that you look for the coffin when you see flowers.

If the above apply to you, then I recommend that you better stay away from a long distance relationship. Otherwise you have a good chance for surviving.

Check out my forthcoming articles on long distance relationships for some more useful tips.

Your friend,

Eddie Corbano

But one thing is for sure: they have a decent sense of life-style, a “Gioia Vivere”, a unique “Italian Way” things are handled. They have certain habits and customs that spice up your life you will never find anywhere in the world.

That said, what the hell is a “Squillo”?

Patience.

If you are in a long distance relationship then you know that communication is the meat and potatoes of its continued existence. However, electronic communication such as cell phone calls and instant messages can be a very expensive thing. But what else to do, when sitting in a coffee shop and passionately thinking of your love? Calling 10 times a day with your cell could kill you financially, if your love lives in, let’s say, Kuala Lumpur and you in the US.

The Italians are very smart people, in times of rising cell phone bills they developed a whole new communication system based around the cell phone. After Michelangelo’s “David”, “The Leaning Tower of Pisa” and, of course, da Vinci’s “Mona Lisa” another ingenious Italian achievement: “The Squillo”.

Again: what the hell is a “Squillo”?

A Squillo (squillare: Italian word for “to ring”) is a one-ring mobile phone call, where the receiver of the call is not expected to answer. The phone buzzes once or twice and all you see is the caller-id. So what’s the deal?

Let’s say that the adorable and beautiful Antonella is late for her date with Giovanni. So she writes a message: “Sorry, I just crashed my vespa, I’ll be 5 minutes late”. Giovanni could write back: “No problem, I’m waiting”, but instead he sends a “Squillo”. Meaning: “No problem, I’m waiting”. See?

The “Squillo” contains a message that only the receiver can interpret the right way. Therefore the “Squillo” can mean: “Yes, I got your message” or simply “Yes”, “Where are you”, “Call me back I’m out of credit” and another thousand variations. The “Squillo” is meant to be playful and flirtatious.

How can you profit from that you might ask.

Simple.

Just send a “Squillo” when you passionately think of your love. Or when you just miss him/her. These are the „Squilli degli inammorati“, the “Squillos” of the lovers.

The adequate answer to this is obviously to squillo back.

I suggest you try it. You will be surprised how marvelously good it feels to receive a “Squillo” when you least expect it.

So simple, so free of costs, and so beautiful! Viva Italia!

Ring, ring.

Your friend,

Eddie Corbano

To begin with, I was there myself. A good friend of mine gave my e-mail address to his wife’s best friend. Shortly after that she dropped me a line. So we got to know each other. By e-mail.

The great thing about e-mail communication is, there are no games. At least there shouldn’t be. You can present yourself as the person you are. You can truly open up.

So we fell in love just for the persons we were. No masks, no shields. But still 2000 miles apart.

Of course the critical moment was when we first met. Would the picture we had about each other synchronize with the outer picture? If you’ve been dishonest, then you will fail at this point. Luckily it worked out for us.

Long distance relationships can occur for a number of reasons. Here are some of the common scenarios:

• You’ve met in a chat room or at an online personal site and realized in the end that you were several states far away from each other.
• You recently graduated college and have moved back to your home town and your boyfriend or girlfriend has continued to stay in the college town.
• At work you’ve been promoted and sent to a new city for an important program and will be in that location for several months.

Long distance relationships have both, advantages and disadvantages. For some, the distance is a good help to slowly open up to the relationship without the incessant presence of the partner. The romance stays kindled because you aren’t around the person 24/7 seeing various habits and routines that can get repetitive.

In terms of disadvantages, it is very frustrating that there is no intimacy, no hugging, no kissing. At least between the meetings. You will experience difficulties in connecting because you don’t have eye contact and can’t take walks or enjoy dinners out together.

Then again that makes the meetings so much more intense then they would be in a “normal” relationship. It’s the quality, not the quantity.

Long distance relationships can work, but there are some rules and guides you have to follow.

Of course, there is also a very important condition without an long distant relationship can not work:

You must have a true interest in each other. I mean a deep emotional connection, whether you’ve been together before the spacial separation or you’ve met each other through chat/e-mail. I’m afraid a physical attraction is not enough. That’s why most summer vacation affairs fail in the end.

Here are the rules that made my personal long distance relationship work: