Is checking your boyfriend or girlfriend’s email okay?

In a word, NO.

I would never give my boyfriend the password to my email address and he would never give me his. Is it because we don’t trust each other? No. We value our privacy and respect each other’s privacy. We trust each other completely.

Why is sharing your passwords with your boyfriend or girlfriend not the smartest thing to do?

A boyfriend innocently gives his girlfriend his password to his email so she can check something for him when he can’t get on a computer to get online. He doesn’t bother to change the password after, and the girlfriend remembers her boyfriend’s quirky password.

Somewhere down the road, she gets a little suspicion that he may be flirting with another girl. So what is the first thing she does? Checks his email of course. She may even try out the password on some of his other online accounts. She may find nothing, but ever since she first snooped, she begins to habitually check his email and becomes obsessive; addicted even. She knows it’s wrong but can’t help to use this to her “advantage” to keep an eye on her boyfriend. If her boyfriend found out she’d feel ashamed and embarrassed, but she can’t help but feel tempted to check her boyfriend’s email – and in a way she feels that as long as he doesn’t know she is checking his email, it’s “okay.”

Should she really be in this relationship if she can’t trust her boyfriend?

The above scenario happens all the time.

Frank and I give long distance relationship advice both on and off our site. We have come across quite a few snoopers along the way. Most snoopers are good people that acquired their boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s password innocently. If your boyfriend ever gave you his password, might you not feel tempted to go back and read his emails? Even if you had no reason to feel suspicious? For most habitual snoopers, once they start, they can’t stop.

That is why I advise people to not share their passwords with anyone, not even a boyfriend or girlfriend.

But what if you are a snooper, and you stumbled across something that indicates your boyfriend wasn’t truthful, or is talking to someone he shouldn’t be, or even cheating?

We say, confront him or her.

If you found evidence of his/her wrongdoings, let him/her know you know rather than keeping silent to avoid admitting that you’re a snoop.

Your relationship has problems: you have no trust and he/she is dishonest. Get everything out in the clear if you expect to salvage the relationship. A relationship cannot survive if there is secrecy, distrust, and dishonesty. You both did something wrong and now is the chance to make things right and get things out in the open.

Want to quit the snooping addiction?

Even if you haven’t dug up any dirt when you’ve snooped, you have to quit snooping. However, it can be hard to stop when you still know your boyfriend/girlfriend’s password – especially if something comes up that gives you the urge. If you’re snooping, you have trust issues and now is a better time than never to work on learning how to trust again.

As with any sort of addicting behavior, the only way to begin to overcome the addiction is to remove the source of temptation. Nip this in the bud as early as possible – you have to let them know about your snooping so they can change their password(s) to get rid of that temptation. As long as you know their password, you will always have that temptation there.

If they had nothing to hide, they will either take it well or they will be really upset that you didn’t trust them. However, like you, they’ll want you to be able to trust them and will be more keen to working with you on your trust issues.

Haven’t snooped yet?

If you haven’t snooped and are reading this because you are wondering if snooping is okay, or justifiable, the answer is an obvious no. If you ever want to find something out – if you have those sneaking suspicions your boyfriend or girlfriend is up to no good – then the only right way to handle the situation is to simply ASK.

Snooping is a symptom of a relationship with poor communication and trust issues.

When people come to us for long distance relationship advice, their problem is always related to poor communication. Couples tend to avoid talking about their individual concerns because they are afraid of rocking the boat: they are scared to ask questions that haunt their thoughts (eg. “Are you cheating on me?”). They resort to snooping to find out the truth, but how good is this evidence if you cannot use it against your partner because you do not want to let them know you are a snoop?

The best thing you can do is bring up your issues, talk them out, ask the questions you want to ask. Your relationship will benefit from it more than you will benefit from being quiet and letting the problems eat away at your relationship without a word.

“There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche

Let me tell you a little story about my visit to the mountains of Turkey many years ago.

I met this beautiful, intelligent girl from Turkey, with crazy dark curly hair. We had this great relationship going and one day she asked me if I would like to learn her origins and travel to Turkey with her. I said “of course”, and the next thing I know I was on sitting on an airplane on my way to Anatolia, (the mountain region of Turkey).

Over the next few days she showed me her beautiful country, full of nice people and breathtaking scenery.

We were on a mountain trip looking for her hometown when she suddenly asked me:

“How do you like my village?”

“What village?” I asked. “You mean the three cabins over there?”

“Yes” she replied, “this is where my parents grew up. My origins are right over there”.

We went to visit her grandparents. They were living in a very small house, which looked kind of decayed from the outside, but was surprisingly comfortable and well furnished on the inside. Not to our western standards, of course, but adequate and pleasant.

Her grandparents were very nice, but somewhat scary people. Do you know the type of elderly people, who seem to be able to look you in the eye and know all about you? What you are thinking, what you’ve done, what you will do? All of the world’s wisdom seemed to lie in them.

Especially her grandpa, with his white beard and stabbing blue eyes, as if he had jumped out of a fantasy movie.

Scary.

And I was sitting in front of them as the boyfriend of their loving grandchild.

After some meaningless chitchat, where no more than “yes” or “no” left my lips, her grandpa said something that I will never forget my whole life.

They seemed to have noticed that we were very in love- it was written all over us. He said with a meaningful attitude and very earnest, if not threatening:

“Pay attention that you do not love too much.  It’s never good to love someone too much”.

Then he stood up, walked to his grandchild, kissed her gently and left the room, without looking at me once.

Needless to say, I was quite shocked.

“What did he mean by that?” I asked my girlfriend later.

“You have to find out by yourself”, she replied. “My grandpa says mysterious things all the time. People are coming to him and asking for his advice all over the country. When he says something like this, it always has some meaning.”

Never love too much.

It absolutely didn’t make sense to me. To love someone was, for me, the ultimate altruistic gift you could possibly give. I desperately wanted to do that, to love someone until madness. It was my personal goal.

The Turkish girl and I broke up months after that for various reasons, to my regret, but I never stopped thinking about this strange event that happened in the mountains of Turkey.

A few years later I would find out the meaning of this sentence, and what it meant to me, in the most painful way.

After that devastating breakup I experienced, I suddenly realized why it is bad to have loved TOO MUCH, and it made perfect sense to me.

It’s bad because I lost myself completely. I lived through the other person, defined my happiness by the other person, and connected all my future and past to her.

That is loving TOO MUCH.

Every time you find yourself disconnected from the person you really are because of the relationship, then you are loving too much and it WILL lead into disaster.

Of course I do NOT mean that you shouldn’t give all the love you have, you definitely shouldn’t hold anything back, but don’t lose the person you are over it.

This is MY personal truth and interpretation of that mysterious phrase I heard so many years ago.

Do you think that it’s possible to love too much, until madness? I’d love to read your opinion in the comment section.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

(Photograph is a courtesy of KorayGokhan)

It’s too late when it has happened.

A break up or divorce is most often a definite state. All we can do afterwards is adapt and survive.

While we try to figure out what went wrong in the beginning - (we spend a lot of time on that) – slowly but surely another sticky question arises:

What could I have done to prevent the divorce?

While the reasons for a break up or divorce are numerous, they all have one thing in common: a gradual break down in communication .

This is, in many ways, fatal for the relationship.

What is the one skill that will make a marriage or relationship happy?

It is, without a doubt, having distinctive interpersonal communication skills.

These skills can be specified into some secondary skills, which are: conflict resolution , self-disclosure, listening, non-verbal communication, perception and many others.

These skills are not inborn skills, we have to learn them…one way or another.

If we are lucky, we get a chance to see and learn how good interpersonal skills look like as we grow up, in our parental home. If this is not the case, we have to learn them .

It gets difficult if our parents demonstrated a false way of communicating and resolving conflict. We didn’t get a chance to see how it’s done right – and it then can take years before we even realize that we lack these certain skills.

All we need is knowledge and a little practice, and we’ll be on our way to success at work and at home.

I’ve put together a small list of those communication skills which I personally think are fundamental for having a great relationship.

Here they are – the 5 most important communication tips:

1. Listen, Listen, Listen

Really listen to what your partner has to say. Keep an open mind to the other’s arguments.

Let them vent their frustrations and fears, and give them the opportunity to come to their real point, (unfortunately some people tend to beat around the bush about where the real problem lies).

Also, be an active listener.  Don’t tune out if you disagree.

2. Never Interrupt

Some people mentally rehearse their answer in their heads instead of listening to their partner. The result is often rude interruptions.

This not only creates aggression, but also slows down the flow of the conversation.

It is a bad habit, so stop doing it.

3. Control Your Temper

While listening to your partner, patiently letting them vent their emotions, it happens that they say things that hurt your emotions or your pride. It’s now very important that you stay calm. Control your temper and don’t let it tempt you into responding aggressively. Never use bad language.

Most of the time this is a turning point in a conversation, from being constructive to being destructive.

4. Start From The “I”-Perspective

When trying to make a point, don’t blame or accuse your partner – come from an “I”-perspective:

Always talk about how YOU experience things and your feelings about it. And also don’t forget to ask for your partners feelings too.

Instead of saying: “Why do you always leave the toothpaste open?” – talk about how you experience it: “I feel sick to my stomach every time I see that open toothpaste in the morning. My whole day is ruined afterwards”.

(I know this is a ridiculous example, but you get the point).

5. Be A Team-Player

Don’t be a smart-ass and think that you always know the right answer. Instead, allow that you both work out the proper solution TOGETHER.

See a conversation like a brainstorming session rather than an exchange of arguments.

Acquiring good conversation skills is the best relationship advice I can give you, because no matter how big the differences and incompatibilities are, good conversation skills can often prevent the worst from happening.

This is what I recommend:

Set a fixed appointment every week for one hour when you and your partner do nothing but talk. Minimize distractions, turn off the TV and phones and talk about your day.

Each one of you should speak freely without interruptions or comments for a certain time, (let’s say 15 minutes). Talk about what you feel, what you hoped for that day, what you fear, your successes and failures. Really open up.

After 30 minutes, engage into an open conversation.

Do this every week at the same time!

I cannot guarantee you that your relationship will last forever if you regularly practice this skill, but what I CAN guarantee you is that your relationship will be much deeper and more fulfilled.

Isn’t that a good thing to experience?

Your friend,

Eddie Corbano

(Photograph is a courtesy of assbach )

It seems to be a complete mystery. Something we cannot understand. And yet it happens every day all around us: People who used to love each other madly suddenly fall out of love, just like that.

What are the reasons?

Sarah’s Story:

Sarah and her boyfriend had been the perfect couple. It was as if they had waited for each other their whole lives. They had the same hobbies, the liked the same things, they considered each other to be soulmates.

This went on happily for two years – the perfect relationship, until her boyfriend suddenly started to pull back, to act strange and get distant. Eventually he broke up with her, and when she asked for the reason he simply replied that he didn’t love her any more.

Sound familiar? Has this also happened to you or someone around you?

A disappointment.

Isn’t true love meant to be forever?

Well, I cannot give you an answer to this one, but I can give you the advice that you need to examine your perception of “true love”. I can tell you: All that glistens is not gold.

A high expectation of true love, and an exaggerated romantic view of the ideal concept of love can disturb the view to having a fulfilling and healthy relationship.

A realistic view is vital.

What is the Main Reason that People Fall out of Love?

Of course, there are numerous reasons why people break up, but they are not always the same ones as why people fall “out of love”.

The term “to fall out of love” implies that they’ve been in love before and all of a sudden the love is gone.

This is of course an illusion. Nobody loses their love overnight.

In my experience there are 3 main reasons why people don’t love anymore, and therefore break up with their partners.

1. Their expectations weren’t met

If you meet a person and you are really attracted, you tend to idealize things. You fall in love with that person, because everything is so new, so fresh. The sex is great, you’re having a great time discovering all the positive attributes of your partner. All your needs and expectations are being addressed, and when they’re not, you simply put your rose-colored glasses on.

The problem here is that your view of your partner is not always a realistic one. Everyone gives their best, tries to show a better self and to hide possible flaws.

We accommodate and compromise much easier at the beginning.

The problem here is that they met each other’s expectations at the beginning, but later on in the relationship, when the fire has cooled off a little, they tend to pull off their masks and show their real selves.

Now they are acting how they really are. No more compromising, no more accommodation, no more meeting the partners needs.

And here is where it can lead to conflicts because someone will not have their needs fulfilled, and will feel betrayed in a way.

This is usually the moment when the person “falls out of love”.

2. Was it really Love?

Another problem is that people very often cannot say if they’re in love or not. They confuse sexual fulfillment with love.

This happens very often to young people, or people who have been in a long term relationship or marriage for a long time. They confuse the initial fulfillment of a need which has not been met for a long time with love.

Once this urge has been satisfied, (this doesn’t always have to be a sexual need), they suddenly lose interest and “fall out of love”.

Of course, it wasn’t love in the first place, that’s why the whole thing appears out of the blue.

3. Mistreatment

Unfortunately it happens frequently, especially with men, that they start sweet and kind and later on they become loud and abusive.

Violence is of course the most extreme case, very often the partners suddenly change their behavior in ways that cannot be tolerated any more by the other one. Good examples are drug and alcohol abuse.

The partner finds that they are very disappointed and loses their love for the person, because their basic needs aren’t provided any more. The relationship isn’t fulfilling and healthy.

Conclusion

The knowledge of the 3 reasons why people can fall out of love can be helpful to us. They can teach us how to behave correctly at the beginning of a relationship.

We have to have realistic expectations about love and relationships, and most of all we have to be who we really are right from the beginning.

Make clear what your needs are despite the risk that your new partner might not love it.

Pretending and cutting back your basic needs will only draw a false picture of you, a picture which will fade with time and possibly make your partner eventually fall out of love with you.

Would you take that risk? I won’t.

Your friend,

Eddie Corbano

Women are constantly testing us.

It’s a fact.

They do it not because they consciously want to – they do it because nature forces them to do so. It’s hardwired in their brains since Early Man. Nature has made sure that the only children to survive are the healthy and strong, to ensure the overall survival of the tribe.

So women have to be extremely picky. Even today. Especially today.

By the way, we men are "brain wired" too when it comes to selection for mating. Why do you think that we prefer large breasts?

Most women have cultivated a deceitful detection system that can spot freaks and wackos. Some have taken this to a level of perfection. They smell if the wrong man is around them.

What is their secret weapon, their scanner for unworthy sperm donors, you might ask?

They use questions (among other things).

The best of them are asking questions, all of which you NEVER would have guessed as to what’s really behind them. They are masters of love-profiling. If you make it through their test, you really are the "King of the Cave".

But sometimes you will encounter women who are, let’s say it carefully, not so skillful when it comes to choosing the right questions to ask. Their questions, although having an honorable intent, unfortunately have the effect to scare the men away, or even to make them run as fast as they can.

Not quite the outcome nature has hoped for.

I’ve compiled a list of all the best of the worst questions to ask your boyfriend for your amusement and determent. Ask them, and you will see him run (if not, then you’d better run!).

So, here they are:

The Top 10 List of the Questions to ask your Boyfriend (if you want him to run)

10. Do you like my bottom?

This is a classic. Who has not heard this question in his relationship at least once?

A very attractive woman once said to me: "If we ask you how big our bottom is, you’d better tell the truth. If we ask how big another women’s bottom is, you’d better lie".

You could get in trouble with a wrong answer.

9. Would you like to go shopping with me?

Uhh, this hurts. Going shopping with a woman is always pain.

The trick is to find the perfect middle between, "this dress looks perfect on you", and "buy this if you want to go hooking".

8. Do you mind if your best friend joins us in bed?

No comment here.

7. If we were a Hollywood movie-couple, who would we be?

This is a question only a woman can think out.

The answer on this one? You better find a good one. I’d say "Beauty and the Beast". Leave open who the beast is.

6. Have you ever cheated on a girlfriend before?

Trick question.

This answer to this one is of course "Me? I would rather die!"

5. What would you do if you were alone in the Playboy-Mansion with 250 Playmates and all are famished?

Yeah, of course: "one must feed the hungry".

4. How many people have you had sex with before me?

Don’t mention that you’ve been in the Playboy-Mansion before.

We all know what happened to Don Juan DeMarco when he confessed to Donna Anna.

Don’t do it!

3. Can you explain to me how to handle a [complicated technical device]?

Have the patience to explain or send her to an electronic store. Choose wisely.

2. Will we be together forever and marry one day?

I was asked this once after 2 months in a relationship. Man, I didn’t know that I could run so fast.

And the Number 1 of the questions to ask your boyfriend is:

1. Would you tattoo my name on your upper arm?

That’s it. The worst questions to ask your boyfriend.

If you as a girl have asked one of these questions before, I would suggest that you train your skill a bit more. These are absolute no-nos. There are plenty of questions you can ask without scaring your boyfriend away.

As for you guys, in another article I will teach you how to handle and react best to these annoying testing-questions.

Until then, weigh up every answer. A wrong one could get you into deep… trouble.

Your friend,

Eddie

P.S.: If you want to learn some “real” questions to ask your boyfriend then click here.

Do you know the feeling of being trapped, just like the walls surrounding you are getting closer and closer? Not too long and they will crush you. Just like being caught in quicksand – every effort to free yourself results in you sinking deeper into it. Somehow you don’t know where this is coming from, you only feel that you are helpless to break free.

Does this sound familiar?

You might be a victim of the relationship trap.

The Relationship Trap

Are you discontent with your relationship? Do you want to break out of it, but don’t know how – and maybe you are even afraid of it?

The survey that I conducted brought to light that many of you have exactly this problem: How do I break out of a relationship that I don’t want, that doesn’t make me happy?

As you know, this site is about surviving break ups and having healthy relationships. But my main concern is your wellbeing!

My most important goal is to lead you down a path towards happiness, towards your real self – if this means that you have to break free from your current relationship, so be it.

So, this article is about how to free yourself from a relationship that is not good for you. I will help you to decide and accomplish a change.

Who Wants to Get Out?

There are 2 common situations for relationship traps.

Case # 1:

Kevin wants to live a life of a playboy. He is young, wants to live and enjoy lots of new experiences. He is life-hungry.

Unfortunately, it somehow doesn’t work out as he planned. Every time he meets a nice new girl, he ends up being sucked into a long-term relationship, apparently against his will.

After some time the girl breaks up with him, and the whole process starts again from the beginning.

Welcome to the vicious cycle.

Case # 2:

Susan feels as though she has no air to breathe. Her relationship of three years leaves her with no room to develop. There is nothing happening anymore, everything is always the same.

She wanted to do so many things, she has so many unfulfilled needs – but her partner doesn’t understand her, there is no more communication and no emotional bond.

She thinks that she wants to escape, yet she doesn’t want to miss the comfort and safety of this relationship. And she would never find another partner again, or so she thinks.

The Way Out Of An Unhealthy Relationship

These are the two common situations: you didn’t really want a relationship and now you’re caught in it, or you are discontent with the one you have.

Maybe you recognize yourself in one of them, or maybe you’re a combination or variation of them.

Either way, the solution to this is the same: know what you want, realize your current situation, evaluate how you can change it and just do it – despite all the unpleasant consequences.

Sounds pretty easy, huh?

I think that we all know that it actually isn’t, right?

It will get easier, if we cut the problem into smaller pieces. Ask yourself the following questions:

1. What are my needs?
2. Are my needs fulfilled in my current relationship?
3. Do I want to work on the relationship or break up?
4. How do I break up?

Number 3 seems to be the toughest.

Are You Really Trapped?

In order to find out whether you’re really trapped and discontent with your relationship, let’s go through all the questions together.

1. What are my Needs?

Take a moment of quiet, sit down and relax. Then write down all the needs and wants you have in general, and especially in the relationship you’re in.

So, Kevin would write down:

I have the need…

• to have new sexual experiences
• to meet lots of new girls
• to be independent
• to be successful

The most important task for Kevin would be to figure out what he really wants, (despite the fact that everyone can be a “Ladies Man”, not everybody honestly wants to be one).

Susan would most probably write down:

• to be free
• to evolve
• to communicate with my partner
• to have an emotional bond with my partner

Now it’s your turn, write them down! Remember to be honest with yourself.

This is an important step, so take your time.

After the list is ready, let it age for a week.

2. Are my Needs fulfilled in my current Relationship?

This should not be so difficult if you honestly wrote down your needs. Just go down the list and make it clear to yourself as to how many needs you are sacrificing for your relationship or not.

This is very often an eye-opener.

What happens now is that many realize how unhappy they really are. Their relationship is preventing them from evolving or fulfilling their elementary emotional needs.

Or, they realize that the reason for their unhappiness is not actually caused by their relationship, but some other personal issues they’re suffering from.

Here again: take your time and be honest with yourself.

3. Do I want to work on the Relationship or Break Up?

Now you have to decide: should I stay or should I go?

Base your decision on the insights you gained from going through the above list of needs.

I would always advise you to decide to first try and work on your relationships.

Read my article about how to avoid and resolve conflicts. This is something every couple should know. It’s a good start.

Second, you have to talk about your problems, dismissing them will only result in getting them insolvable. Make your mutual needs a priority and work out a compromise. If this works out, then you have made an important step towards a fulfilling relationship.

If not, proceed to step four.

4. How do I break up?

Please read my article on how to break up gracefully for making this decision – this will help you a lot. I describe the whole process step-by-step.

Conclusion

A wrong and unhealthy relationship can heavily diminish your life-quality. You then have only two options: to make it better or to free yourself from it.

This article has given you the tools to evaluate the quality of your relationship, so you can decide what further course of action you need to take.

If you don’t want to be in a relationship, then don’t let anybody force you into staying in one. Be honest here – to your partner and to yourself.

Always keep in mind: your needs and wishes are very important. It’s your life and it’s short.

Make the best out of it.

Your friend,

Eddie Corbano

Do you make these mistakes in your relationship?

There is one particular fear that is usually waiting for you when you are finally over your break up or divorce: The fear of the next relationship. The fear that all you went through, will eventually happen again.

The path to the healing was arduous. The pain unimaginable. You really never want to go through something like that again. Ever!

That is very understandable. Unfortunately nobody can guarantee you that, but there is one thing I can guarantee you:

If you have gone through the phases of a break up correctly, you will cope much better with a potential future break up than you did before.

Also, it helps, if you know the 7 deadly sins in a relationship.

Surviving the Break Up

The last phase in getting over a break up is “the reopening”, where you learn to open yourself up for new relationships again. You have learned so much in the past months/years.

You really did a tremendous job:

• You’ve become a stronger person
• You know yourself better
• You have realized that self-love is the vital premise for a happy life
• You’ve gained knowledge of the reasons which led to your break up or divorce back then, and managed to distance yourself emotionally from it
• You are able to forgive your Ex and move on

You are now ready for a new relationship.

Fighting the Fear

But what if you make the same mistakes you’ve made earlier? What if you fall into the same habits as before and drive your new partner away?

First of all: fear is never a good counselor. You should always look positive and confident into the future. But I understand where this is coming from.

You can overcome this fear the same way you can overcome every other fear: knowledge and action. First you have to know the main causes for a disturbance in a relationship, then you have to stop making them.

What are the main causes that relationships fail?

The causes are numerous. But you will observe that certain mistakes (I should better say “character flaws”) that are very common, can destroy even the happiest relationship. It is very important to know them and to react immediately, as soon as you notice them in you.

I have put together the 7 most common relationship destroying sins and here they are for you:

The Seven Deadly Sins in a Relationship

1. Jealousy

In my opinion jealousy is one of the most negative and destructive emotions there is. Never will positive come out of jealousy.

It results from fear of loss and tenure and is strictly ego-based. It’s one of the greatest threats to a relationship.

A jealous partner can truly diminish your quality of life, and I’ve seen couples splitting up because of this, despite the fact that they love each other.

Overcoming jealousy is not so easy, but it must start at its roots. The only way is to work on your self-love, and to increase trust in your relationship. That is something you have to accomplish together.

2. Clinging

Clinging is clearly another manifestation of the fear of loss. It is the weaker “brother” of jealousy and manifests itself through different ways, seemingly through repeated reassurances of love.

You are convinced that you don’t deserve your partner, and cling to them verbally or literally. This is very often overwhelming, and will make the partner feel trapped.

Persons coming from a fresh, difficult break up or divorce very often tend to cling in their new relationships.

3. Lack of Respect and Inattentiveness

Every fulfilling relationship is based on mutual respect. Without respect there will be conflicts or even abuse.

Inattentiveness is a slow process, which can manifest after years in a relationship. This is taking the partner for granted, not making any efforts to maintain the relationship.

4. Wrong Ideas of a Relationship

What do you expect from a relationship, from your partner? Do you want to fulfill your childhood dream of the prince riding on the white horse, who will make all your problems go away at once?

Do you believe that a relationship is always the endless love of which songs and poems are singing about? Everything will work out on its own, if only you love enough?

If you believe all of this, then your relationship will fail. To know that you have to work in your relationship every day for your happiness is the key to success.

5. Having too high Expectations

Having too high expectations of a relationship right from the start will cause many problems. Not every man/girl is the love of your life and not every relationship is meant to be.

Know exactly what you are looking for in a partner, but don’t set the bar too high.

Unrealistic expectations will eventually lead to self-induced discontent.

6. Losing Communication

Losing communication in a relationship is a silent killer. You only detect it when it’s almost too late. This is especially a problem in long term relationships of many years.

There are many ways to fight this. If you have nothing to talk about, then the solution is, of course, to create new mutual interests you could have a discussion about.

If you do not have the time for long conversations, then set a fixed day in the week with one hour, where you really talk with each other (don’t forget to turn off the TV).

Communication is the key.

7. Lost in Routine

Ever been in a relationship where everything starts to get boring, because it’s always the same? The same talk, the same places you go, even the sex is always the same.

Well, the solution for this is obvious: break free! Create new opportunities, go to different places, meet new people, try something crazy together. The possibilities are endless, you just have to do it together.

“Anything different is good”, as Bill Murray said in Groundhog Day.

Conclusion

The knowledge of the most common relationship killing mistakes allows you to constantly question your behavior and do your best to avoid them, whether you come from a divorce or live in a happy relationship.

Furthermore, you are now able to spot the potential causes of occurring conflicts and resolve them.

This will bring you a step closer to that happy fulfilling relationship you dream about.

For that I wish you all the best.

Your friend,

Eddie Corbano

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(Photograph is from istockphoto / vasiliki)

When she dumped Kevin, it was like a kick in the head for him. He needed days to come around and realize what happened. Even then it was an absolute mystery to him what caused the break up. It will take months for him to finally get a clue to the reasons.

Had he seen it coming? Well, he said no. But when I dug a little deeper, it became apparent that he actually had noticed unusual things in his relationship. He just dismissed them as meaningless. He never would have guessed that they could lead to a break up.

Apparently they were anything but meaningless.

If he would have given them some attention, he may have been able to do something to prevent the forthcoming events. He could have talked to his girlfriend, uncovered the problem and tried to do something to fix it before it was too late. If there is no communication, nothing will ever change.

The reasons why two people in a relationship drift apart are numerous. But I believe that if you spot the early signs, there is a very good possibility to get back on track again.

Why didn’t Kevin see it coming? Why didn’t he react upon the “unusual” things he noticed?

I believe that he knew what was about to happen, but it is very typical in such situations to simply refuse to believe that something is wrong. We would never believe that our partner, who was on our side for so long, would actually leave us. This appears so unreal.

Denial seems to be a good way of handling the problem. Of course, this is only self-deception.

Unfortunately, many simply do not know the early signs, the red flags, that something is going very wrong in their relationship.

Why should you pay attention to the red flags?

After a relationship break up, all we think about is “if I’d only knew earlier, I could have done something”. But what would you have done?

When recovering from a break up or divorce you have to go through the four phases. What we often do not realize, is that the one who actually breaks up has to go through these phases as well, only they are doing it while you are still together. S/He has to do so, otherwise leaving would not be possible.

So, if you spot the signs in the early phases, you might still be able to prevent the fatal outcome.

How can you avert a potential break up or divorce?

Certainly by talking to the partner, uncovering the origin of the discontent and trying to eliminate the problems. Reminding your partner of the love you had for each other by revitalizing special moments you had together is also very important.

If everything fails, you have at least had the opportunity then to prepare yourself, and you are not being hit out of the blue.

Let’s take a look at the signs.

Here they are, the 10 big red flags that your relationship is going downhill:

Which moments will you remember when you are really old and looking back at your life? Will you remember your greatest moments? Your victories? Your achievements? Yes you will. Will you realize that what made life worth living, were the great moments you had with the love of your life? You most definitely will.

When I work with couples I very often advise them how important it is to create memorable moments together.

What do I mean by memorable moments?

Memorable moments are situations you create consciously or that happen accidentally that tie your relationship bond closer together. They make you realize, how happy you are together. Those are rare moments, which flash into your life and we use to call true love moments.

Ever had one of those? Aren’t they great, worth remembering, worth living for?

If you had not so many of those, then why not actively create them?

No ideas?

I have collected 5 very special memorable experiences for you that I have made myself and which I consider the perfect choice for making them shining beacons in the history of your relationship.

Here are 5 very special experiences you have to make with your partner before you die:

1. Kiss in the rain

You may think that it is nothing special, but this is so underestimated. If you do it right, it could be a wonderful romantic experience.

Pick a day, preferable a summer day, when it really pours. Get on the street an kiss your heart out. The trick is to not care whether you are about to get completely wet.

For inspiration, check out the movie The Notebook and the wonderful romantic rain-kiss-scene at the end.

2. Message in a bottle together

It’s really simple, and yet so effective.

Write a letter together. It can be anything, as long it’s related to you both. It could be a poem you like, or the story how you’ve met, it doesn’t matter as long as it has a true mutual meaning.

Then go to a romantic place, preferable a big river or the ocean. If there are none of these nearby , why not taking a day off for a mini-vacation. Put the letter in a bottle, put a cork in it and throw it ceremoniously into the water. Don’t forget a little speech.

Give meaning to it and I guarantee you, you will never ever forget that.

3. Go to a retirement home and have a talk about relationships with a 90 year old

You’ve read my article about the retirement home and my experiences there. Do something similar. Pick a nice retirement home, pretend you were visiting your grandparents and ask questions, ask for their relationship tips.

You will be surprised by the outcome, I promise. You don’t need to be shy, elder people are very chatty, friendly and communicative.

4. Make love on the beach

This is a classic one. But who has actually made it? Have you? Be aware that it is not easy to accomplish (try it on the crowded beaches of Spain), you need the right place and the right moment, but it’s definitely something you must do. Just you two and the sky full of stars.

Trust me on this one.

5. Plant a tree together

Another classic. Something we usually set as a life-goal and do it alone. I recommend that you plant a tree together. Call it a tree of love. But do not be surprised of the amount of work you have to put in.

It’ll definitely be worth while, especially when you come back years later and see how it has grown beautifully.

5 great experiences to make, just pick the ones you like most and then go for it. No excuses, no delay, just do it.

Those are special experiences that usually do not happen accidentally (besides the rain-kissing maybe). You can plan them ahead emphasizing their importance and I’m sure you will treasure them in the future. They will strengthen your relationship getting you closer to each other.

In the end all that is going to be left are your experiences, memories and lessons you have learned through life that made you the person you are. One of the greatest gifts you will then posses is the knowledge that you’ve had wonderful moments of true love. Your life wasn’t wasted.

Cheesy, I know, but so true.

All the best,

Eddie Corbano

(Photograph is from istockphoto / vgstudio)

A very good friend of mine asked me to accompany her to her grandparents. She didn’t want to go alone, because their place was “a little weird”. I didn’t quite understand what she meant, but I said yes.

It turned out that “their place” was a retirement home. I immediately had a picture in my mind: a mixture of “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” and the “Simpsons-Grandpa-Retirement-Surrounding”, where old people sleepwalk through rotten corridors, aimless and under medication like zombies.

It turned out I was wrong. Terribly wrong.

What I found was some kind of paradise on earth. It was a vast compound with cottages, golf courses, outdoor restaurants, swimming pools, you name it. All in all: a tropical island paradise. Not bad for retirement, isn’t it?

The pensioners behaved more like teenagers than senior citizens. They laughed, giggled, played around, having fun. Weird indeed.

While my friend talked to her grandparents, I was sitting on a rocking chair enjoying the view, when a stunning looking 73-year old lady approached me:

“What is such a cute guy doing alone at this place?”

The classic of all pick up lines.

After 5 seconds shock-state I replied:

“… looking out for new grazing land.”

Just when I thought I was too bold we’ve started the most wonderful and interesting conversation I’ve had for years.

Her name was Louise and after a while of talking, I told her that I was a relationship coach and was helping people having healthy relationships. She then proclaimed proudly that she had been married happily for nearly 53 years and that she had the ultimate relationship tips for me.

By that time more and more of her friends surrounded us and before I realized what happened, they offered me all together on a silver plate their ultimate personal 7 relationship tips.

Of course, I want to share them with you and here they are,

The 7 Golden Relationship Tips From Our Grandparents:

1. Always talk with your partner about your problems
2. Take care of each other and respect each other
3. Spend time with each other, but don’t forget to take time for yourself
4. Learn to cook delicious meals
5. Know and respect the differences between you
6. Be patient and always try to compromise
7. Always do his laundries

I bet you assume I’ve put the last one in myself. Nooo… I haven’t. That was a real relationship tip from a likeable 68-year old grandma. Believe it or not.

That’s it. You have to decide for yourself what you find useful and what was maybe useful 50 years ago. I don’t judge. But some little advice from me: What was a useful relationship advice 2000 years ago, still is today.

Except for stoning to death your wife for unfaithfulness… I guess.

All the best,

Eddie Corbano