This is an interesting one. I agree that in an ideal case scenario we don’t get angry, or if we do, we don’t show it. However, if there is clearly a ‘wronged’ party, I thinks it’s ok to show that anger. To communicate to an irresponsible or uncaring person – look what you’ve done and how painful it is. Of course, there needs to be a time limit on the whole anger issue, but being all nice about conflict and shouting and kicking and screaming behind the scenes is a very interesting concept. Not very ‘European’ (which is where I come from). I had a painful breakup after a short but intense relastionship – whilst being married to someone else. I was angry, and I let him know. I sent those letters / emails. It probably means he’ll never speak to me again, but I feel much, much better and if he doesn’t, that’s ok. The ex-lover is not very emotionally aware, extremely irresponsible. There is probably a bit of a list of girls he needs to apologize to and I come way down on that list. Still, it was about time someone told him. Sometimes anger is good and justified – and showing it can be very cathartic. Of course, there are certain countries where people start to threaten to bring in a lawyer if all the anger they’ve caused makes them feel uncomfortable. Which is what he did. At first I was scared, now I just laugh about it. Cutural differences is an entirely separate topic for you!

Very measured response Eddie! You are quite right. It did eat me up and it took a year to stabilise. Another interesting point though – maybe you’ve written about that. I didn’t know the man all that well – I mean, how would I after a couple of days. He seemed very sweet – he probably is most of the time. Cornering someone though and pushing a person to their limits really tells you something about their true character. It satisfied my psychological curiosity to see how he reacted. And it actually helped to get over it, because he ‘underperformed’. But it’s not for everyone. I have a reasonably aggressive style when I sense cowardice and selfishness that’s ‘way out’. But your website is very interesting!!!

I’m going through the pain of breakup now. I had the urge to write all those dreadful mails to my ex, and in fact i did write about 20 e-mails – but i saved them all in “drafts”, because that’s how i verbalized my feelings. To him, I only sent a mail saying how I felt, but without any blames. I just said that it was extremely tough for me, but that I respected his choice, and understood that he definitely had serious reasons to take that decisions. I think it’s important not to humilate yourself and the other person, no matter how much it hurts. It will backfire on you later. Respect – and it will be easier to move on, I hope it will work for me at least.

2 years ago I finalized my divorce, ending my 20 year marriage. It was a difficult marriage, full of verbal and emotional abuse from an financially irresponsible spouse. There was plenty for me to leave angry about. Going through the divorce presented plenty of opportunities to get angry and I had my share of angry feelings. But, I realized I had a choice. I did not have to be angry and if I was it was because I chose to. I decided I did not want to live my life feeling that way and consciously chose not to allow the anger to get the best of me. This is not to say that there were not times I did not get mad, because I did. But then, I let that anger go within a very short time. For me, this was one of the best decisions I ever made. Even though there were some injustices in the divorce, I am completely at peace knowing that it was the right thing to do.

Anger typically hides pain,
and in turn, pain hides fear.

I am really confused by the anger described in the article.
So I’ll share a short version of my story.
I had a male friend for 10 years. I recently went through a divorce and he asked me out and I accepted. By the 2nd date I knew something was wrong or missing (clashing, no real attraction, no sparks) so I communicated my hesitation toward dating him. He wanted to work through it anyway. The same thing happened on the following 4 or 5 dates. I would get home from the date, I would call him and tell him what went wrong on the date and that I didn’t think it was working out, being as gentle as possible. He would want to work it out and change for me.
Finally I had to just break up with him because I knew this would go no where.
He sent me a somewhat nasty email and I replied very politely, explaining that I never wanted to hurt my friend of 10 years but that we could not continue. We were not meant to be together. He didn’t respond after that.
Being a caring friend, I sent him a quick email 1 week later. I only asked him if we were still friends and that if he didn’t respond I would take the hint… He replied with some very hurtful remarks, telling me to “F off, you self centered B****, you knew what would happen all along”. Like I had planned on hurting him.
What I do not understand is WHY is he so mad at me? We only dated for a month and a half, yet he is so hurt and angry. He says I hurt him more than any girl ever has. How is that possible? I just want to be his friend, like we were in the past.
He’s had only one LTR before that ended up being short lived. He is dumped every time. I feel bad for him but what can I do. It was a mistake to date him because I really hurt him in the process, and I feel really bad for that. Now I’m not sure if there is anything I can do to help him.

Eddie, it seems to me that you are saying that our anger is unjustified and the reasons for them not true. Why wouldn’t we be angry for someone who told us they loved us, cheating on us or leaving us and saying, “Oh yeah all that stuff before I said, I was wrong. I don’t love you, and we shouldn’t be together?” I mean come on. Sometimes there is a legitimate reason to be mad. I was in my relationship for 7yrs, and I can’t count the times she said, you are the one for me. And now its like we never even went together. Why should I not be angry, how could I not be? Even if my self-esteem did not take a hit, its not like missing a movie time.

And I do believe that we are not meant to be alone. It’s not even the way we are made. So yes, there is a degree of happiness we cannot reach by ourselves. That is just how humans are. And when you find someone that matches you, it should piss you off that they abandon you, only to go look for someone else with the same damn attributes that you had, or worse, dating someone worse for them, than you. AND YOU KNOW THAT HAPPENS A LOT