Getting Over A Break Up - The Final Chapter

Getting Over A Break Up – The Final Chapter

by Eddie Corbano

Healing From A Break Up In my work with people who suffer from a break up or divorce there is one question which is mostly asked first: How long will it take to get over it? How long will the pain last?

Even I asked this question many years ago. I waited two and a half years for that answer to come. It was then I realized what the final chapter in getting over a break up was.

I know how it feels.

Sometimes it seems so unbearable that you cannot imagine your life ever to be happy again. I will tell you something that you already feel is true inside of you, but your analytic mind doesn’t allow you to acknowledge: You will be happy again. And if you take this challenge, you will be much stronger than you were before.

I’ve been there.

You must look at this terrible experience as an opportunity, only then you will have the right mindset to from upon it. I know that it is very difficult to get into that state and it may take you some time. But when you actually understand, the healing will begin.

Unfortunately, many do not look at this the way I do. They try to get their Exes back or jump into another relationship right away. They would do anything to stop the pain. Isn’t this understandable?

Don’t try to get your Ex back

Sure, this may help for some time, but eventually this will get back to them with much harder intensity. Because the problem is buried deep inside and it will not go away if you mask it or ignore it.

Why do many people betray themselves for the chance to learn and grow from this devastating experience? The answer is of course because it costs them too much. It’s too expensive, too damn hard and too alluring to take the easy way.

Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing, end them.
—Shakespeare’s Hamlet

So, what is the final chapter of getting over a break up?

When you heal from a relationship break up you have to go through the following four phases:

Acceptance: Your partner is gone and he/she won’t come back
Depression: You have to face the pain and all the negative emotions
Independence: You have to learn to live alone
Reopening: You have to learn to open up to other people and to a new relationship again

Everyone has to go through this steps. The two secrets on how to get over a break up are only an additional help, there is no healing without going through these steps.

The last chapter of the healing process therefore appears to be to prepare and actually step into a new relationship. But if you want to do this the right way, there is yet another step before that.

One of the greatest problems, before you can really open up to other relationships, is your attitude towards your Ex. It happens very often that you idealize your Ex, remembering only the positive aspects about your former relationship, but completely dismissing the negative ones.

You have put your Ex on a pedestal

This can cause pretty much damage in your upcoming new life. What you then have to do is to kick your Ex from that pedestal.

In order to do so, you have to face him/her again. I know this is a big one but very necessary. This is the only way to set the image right again and only when you pass this last test, then you’ll know that you are over him/her.

This is the last chapter in getting over a break up.

I am well aware that this is difficult and to a certain degree a risk. If you do this too early, for instance in phase 2, this may throw you even deeper into depression.

The final test

Take this as the final test to see if you are ready to move on.

How long will it take for you to reach this level? It really depends on your ability to accept and let go. I’ve seen it happen after 6 months, then again it may take up to 3 years. The deepness of your relationship is also a decisive factor.

But please, don’t look at this in terms of time. It takes as long as it takes for you to heal to a new person. It’s a path you consciously have to choose.

I’m here to help you along this path.

As always, if you have questions, I’m there for you.

All the best,

Eddie

(Photograph is from istockphoto / Imagine Golf)

My Recommendation For Further Reading:

10 Secrets About Men - Very Recommendable Inside-Tips from Christian Carter
Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends - THE Classic Book About Breakup Recovery
For Men: Getting Your Groove Back After A Breakup - Approaching Women and Getting Physical

5 Must-See Related Posts:

About The Author:

Eddie Corbano is a breakup-coach, relationship-advisor and founder of LovesAGame. He suffered from a devastating break up in 1998. Since then, he dedicated his life to helping others getting the best of this existential experience. The overcoming of a break up is an important step to autonomy and independency. Eddie Corbano developed some new coaching programs, which focus on evolving inner strength and the power to set and reach any personal goal. (Article written on September 25th, 2007)
Show all posts by Eddie Corbano

Category: Break Up and Divorce
Tags: break up, divorce, how to heal a broken heart, how to mend a broken heart

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Michael Scholz

This is so true. It’s been nearly 2 years now after my break up and I’m still not over her. You are absolutely right, I’ve put my Ex on a pedestal, I’ve been idealizing our relationship, so that there is no room for a new beginning.

Your article opened my eyes! Thank you very much. Keep up the great work, there are many out there needing your help.
http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

Thank you Michael for your kind words.

It is always surprising how easy everything goes once the Ex is removed from that pedestal. However, it’s very dangerous to try that too early.

So choosing the right time is essential.
Pingback: The 7 Deadly Sins In A Relationship
Pingback: 7 Reasons Why Your Break-Up is Killing You
James

Hey eddie, this article hit the nail on the head. I recently broke up from a serious relationship and i have been putting her on a pedestal, im now trying to kick her off but why is it dangerous? How should
i go about doing this?
http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

Hey James,

it’s dangerous, because if you encounter your Ex too early, it might throw you back in the healing-path.

You have to go through all the 4 phases I’ve described, if not, a confrontation would only damage you.
Pingback: Dealing With Anger After A Break Up – Part 1/3
lucy

hi there
your article was really helpful! my boyfriend of 7 months who is at uni has just broken up with me over the phone, he cheated on me the night before and feels he cant handle the long distance relaitonship, and his feelings have changed. this was on saturday, very out of the blue. I called him today to ask him more about why it ended and we had a long conversation (both crying) but essentially he has feelings for someone else and needs space. I am finding it so hard to accept this, i keep thinking that he is still part of my life, part of me in a way, and i just want to know how to reach the acceptance stage. I know i will meet someone else becasue i am young, and my family and friends are all there for me, i just cant accept why something that began so well has suddenly finished, and how your feelings can change just like that? any advice would be so much appreciated, thankyou, lucy.
http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

Lucy,

Acceptance takes time. You must consciously work on by dismissing past memories (check out no. 2).

Affirmations also help a lot: “I accept that my relationship is over”.

Once you are past the “acceptance-phase” it will be easier.
Ron

I’m deeply devastated over my recent break-up, its been three weeks, I’ve lost weight, can’t sleep and have cried every day since. The biggest challenge is that I contributed to the breakup and didn’t realize it. I love going to the gym, and would regularly encourage my love to work out, exercise, etc, she was not into that, but my words made her feel insecure, killed her intense passion for me over the months, and because of that made her realize that our union could not be a lasting one, I’m 17 years older than she. I’m 46 and this was the longest lasting relationship I ever had, at my age starting over again, well, I just don’t want to start over. I finally thought I found the love of my life. We shared so much, its like a third of my waking hours are now empty and i have nothing to fill them, the worse part is she doesn’t even want to be friends, not even to talk on the phone, that kills me the most, how could my best friend in the whole world not want to talk to me. When I met her I slowly phased the rest of my friends out, I only wanted to be with her, now that she is gone I have no one. This is so difficult.
Bobby

Thanks for the page. Very good advice. I just got out of a 2.5 year relationship only to find out she had cheated on me. I had to break it off and it is very hard to make the correct decsions when your in this state of mind. Acceptance is helping me out the most. I agree also with not putting your ex on a pedistal. I am sure this will help me prepare myself for future relationships. I can’t thank you enough for this article.
bryant

I broke up with my girlfriend amost a year ago. we dating for 3 years. I still think about her all the time and try to see her. She still trys to contact me and do dinner or lunch but it seems as if we are playing games with one another. I know why we broke up but fro some reason i can get her out of my mind.. Is there anything I can do
ASH

oh god i know how all of you feel, i recently ended my 4 and a half year relationship and i found out he was on all these dating sites and having his pictures on there and stuff, i mulled it over and over in my head, i called him to find out the truth but all i got was a response like i didnt do anything and right after that he said im not good enough. i realize that for every break up there is always something better. i realize today that if someone doesn’t love me the way i deserve to be loved they are certainly not worth my time. granted i am going thru hell, i have been sworn at, told im this and that but deep down we all have to find a way to make sure and look in the mirror and say we are all good people. and our x’s do not deserve to have us.
http://MensDivorceDating.info MensDivorceDating

This is a great post. You’re absolutely right about the pedistal thing.

You can’t up another person on a pedestal without putting yourself beneath them.
Daniel

2 weeks ago I was devastated by my girlfriend leaving me after 6 amazing years. She was the best thing that ever happened in my life. We had all these future plans and goals. I thought we’d be together to the end and that we could work through any problems if there were any . I tried calling her one night with no answer. The next day she sent me an email while I was at work saying she only wishes to remain friends and wished me good fortune in the future. To say I was completely shell shocked and devastated doesn’t even come close. When I called her later in the day she said “I should move on with my life”….in such a cold way….like she was giving a traffic report.
I’m still dealing with the unbearable pain, wretched grief, confusion and in a state of shock.

Note to Ron: We both have a fairly similar situation. I’m 45. If you don’t mind, I’d like to contact you about what we are going through.
My address is emailingdaniel@gmail.com

Hope you are making it through ok.

Daniel
Alli

Thank you! It helps me knowing I’m not the only person who has become depressed by a break up. Amazingly, none of my friends have ever truly had their heart broken, so all of them don’t understand why I’m down. Your article is helping move on from my 3+ year relationship with my boyfriend. We were truly each other’s best friend, we decided on getting married, picked kids’ names, go to the same college, live in the same apartment building, and have the same friends. I thought everything in our relationship was perfect until a couple weeks ago while I was on vacation I got an email saying he didn’t feel in love with me anymore. Clearly, I was in shock and became very angry and depressed. I blamed it on myself, put my ex on a pedestal, and told myself we were getting back together. Now that I look back, I realize how terribly he treated me emotionally the last months of our relationship and how I put up with it because I loved him. Why would I want to be with someone who doesn’t love me? Still, he is very mature about everything, didn’t want to hurt me and knew by staying with me he’d hurt me more, and he really wants me to be happy, so it’s hard to hate him. Now that I’ve accepted things, stopped all contact with him and stopped crying, I find myself thinking about him all the time. I think forgetting him is the hardest part. I want to get over him this summer, so by the time Fall semester starts again so I won’t be upset when I see him with girls at our apartment building when school starts. Even the thought of seeing him with someone else has caused me to vomit. How do I deal with seeing him moving on if I have not completely moved on?
Laura

About 8 months ago, my fiance left me (two weeks before the wedding) after being engaged for 2 years and together for 4. It was extremely painful and left me in complete shock. There was truly no warning (aside from the typical pre-wedding jitters) and I did not even know he left (we were about 2 hours apart). We bought our wedding rings and excitedly paid the deposit on our apartment on Sunday, he goes back home on Monday, and I find out on Wednesday that he actually left me and was about 1000 miles away. Complete and utter shock. He calls me that morning and says that he did not love me anymore and didn’t want to marry me. I told him that would be fine, but I would appreciate his help in clearing up the mess (wedding presents, alerting the 200 guests who were attending the destination wedding). He told me he did not care and would not help and did not even care about the pain I was going through. After picking up the pieces, and thankfully I had a wonderful and supportive, though also hurt and shocked, family, I decided to move on and go back to school for a second degree I had always wanted. About a month after the break-up, he decides that he wants back in my life and realizes his mistake and his loss. He has apologized and has tried very hard to fix the relationship. Trust, of course, is a huge problem for me, and I am going through all of these stages mentioned (I feel that I am currently in the independent stage because I am going back to school and thinking of things I always wanted to do before, like travel). I guess my problem is trying to figure out what I truly want. I am unsure if people can work through a break-up like this or if it is even healthy to do so. I understand that he loves me and people may think me naive, but I can assure you of his love. We were the “perfect couple” who were very much in love. He explained that he felt pressured by his family and could not deal with it. He actually went through the stages (how to know if your boyfriend is about to break up with you) and I see it now, especially his lack of communication and lies. He says that he wants what is best for me and supports any decision I make regarding us. I feel as though I am still grieving for what was lost. I wonder if I will ever be that excited and innocent again and it pains me to see my friends get what I did not. I understand that it was not what God had planned for me but how do I decide if I should move on when I still love my ex-fiance so much? I have so much confusion and would really appreciate any advice or people going through similar situations (I need to know I’m not alone).

-Laura

Angelica

I just came across this post. THANK YOU, Laura, for sharing your story. Six months ago, my fiance and I went from talking about wedding plans and baby names to him telling me TWO DAYS later that he "decided" he didn't love me and would never love me. Six months now. I went through the process and did the tough work–pulled myself together and moved on. I thought I was completely over him. Today I discovered he's seeing someone new, and I feel as though I'm back to square one, like we just broke up. (It doesn't help matters any that she's 10 years younger than me and very pretty.) I'm so confused and scared I'll never truly be over him. Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone.

http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

You are not alone.

Your story happens every day throughout the world. But I don’t know if this is comfort…

You alone have to make the decision IF you want to forgive or IF you want to move on. But from your writing, I would suggest that you first find you own path (do the things you described you’ve always wanted to do).

You will then gain a different perspective, which will help you to make the right decision.

He will wait, if he’s the right one…

Eddie
Bon

I’ve been seperated for almost three years. Both of us jumped into another relationship right after (not a good idea). Both tried to hide the pain. We were high school sweethearts and married for almost 7 yrs before we split. We split because of selfish reasons and never really tried to work on it….both just gave up. We have one son and he is still heartbroken. We recently just had a long conversation of how we both think of eachother all the time still, dream of eachother and wish for our family to be with eacother again and how we never stopped loving eachother. We are still in other relationships and obviously care about our new persons but agree its not the same as him and I were and still are. We know it will never be the same as him and I and how we both agree its not fair to our new spouses that we are not over eachother. So here we are. its been almost three years. We never had time to ourselves after the break up and tried to hide our feelings with other people. This is a hard situation because now two other people are dragged into this drama. Now we are both taking our time to think about if we should give ‘us’ another try. I am so lost and confused. I love him and want to be a family again but scared ‘we’ wont work out but honestly know he is still the ONE for me.
Any advise and/or clarification would be appreciated. Thank you, Bon
http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

Before you both make your decision you have to keep in mind one important thing:

It is one thing to dream about the perfect relationship and to long for the good times you both had together.

But it’s another thing to be again confronted with everyday life and the realization that it was better only to dream about it.

What I want to say is, you obviously love each other still, that’s great, but you may be confronted with the problems you once had again, so it’s better to talk about it upfront and to be prepared.

It definitely takes a lot of courage to take this road.

I wish you all the best in the world.

Eddie
Meghan

I have to say that I was starting to give up until I came upon this site. My boyfriend and I were together for 3+ years before we ended it less than a week ago. I know that I’m better off and that our lives were not on the same track but I can’t help putting him up on a pedestal and thinking about all of the good things that we had going in our relationship. I guess I’m dealing with the break-up sort of opposite of what’s normal. I keep thinking of how good things were and I’m not angry at him, I just miss him terribly. For the past couple days I haven’t eaten much and have had horrible stomach pains but after reading articles on this site, my stomach pains have lightened up. It’s made me realize that maybe this is for the best after all. Our relationship wasn’t exactly perfect; we fought all of the time, we weren’t happy together but we loved (and still love) each other and thought that things would fall into place. I think this is a step in the right direction for me.

I can’t thank you enough for the articles on this site. I intend to visit often to remind myself that this is the right choice and I will grow from this.

Thank you, Meghan
Andrew

Hello.
I have just been through the most painfull thing in my life., Me and what i thought to be soul mate ended it. She has been through so much with her sister dieing of cancer @ the age of 27. We meet and fell in love right away. But mabe it was during the worst time of her life & was there for her but in the end destroyed myself lost my employment and over this tryed to remove myself from this earth. I fell into a trap and she sucked all my emotion and love away. Im barely able to function and even leave my apartment. Things are so bad and Im going down more and more every day. I sit here and have nightmares of her and the times we have had. Why has this happened to me and why did I let her take me down and use me up. I loved her so very much but now my bank account is empty and pretty much in 5 days homeless she just laughs and says such a waste while she has everything inculding my soul & heart & lives on a free meal ticket from another man. All i wanted was to have a life with someone that loved me and i could trust but instead used my feelings and most trusted intimate words and ripped them up and twisted everything to hurt me. How can I ever find my way from this mess and get myself out of this pit and ever move on.

http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

@Andrew

My heart goes out to you.

Sometimes we have to go through the worst in order to be happy.

I know it’s hard, but your pain will go away eventually and IF you work on yourself, you will profit from this excruciating experience.

Hang in there!

natasha

Hi eddie, I have just broken up with my boyfriend of six years and I have never felt this kindo pain before!I broke it off because he wasn’t giving me the respect and the attention i felt I deserved.We are still in contact and he is still a good friend and although I acknowledge that I can find someone else to love my secret desire is for us to realize where we went wrong and maybe start over again and I know he wants the same thing too. Do you think it’s possible or am I setting myself up for another painful heartbreak?

http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

@natasha

If you get back together you will face the same problems you’ve had before.

If you think that something has changed and that you now can work on these problems together, than yes, it’s possible.

But to be honest, once you broke up, the relationship will rarely be the same again.

Sandy

I have read these stories & i’m amazed how much i can relate to these people…my ex & i decided to break up after almost 6 yrs together…i felt like he wasn’t making time for me…all he wanted to do was party & hang out w/him friends…i’ve been coping w/this better than i thought i would…i’m still in the healing process but there’s not a day that i don’t think about it…maybe we could of talked and worked things out…he just left me with empty promises…i’m here to talk to people to talk about our stories maybe someone can give me advice or i can listen to your story…we’re all here for similar reasons
sheela

getting better…
life is really unpredictable.you dont know what youll be facing each day.the things that you expect dont happen and those that you never expected are the ones that happens…but we have no choice but to face whatever it is that comes to our lives.it is a challenge to live each day,especially if you are in an emotional turmoil.

conquering an emotional challenge is not easy,especially if you have invested your everything to the relationship and if you have made your world evolve around the person.its a failure on your part if you’ll let those challenges beat you instead of fighting against it…trials are part of our lives,it comes and it goes and it depends on us how we face it.trials makes us strong and prepares us to future obstacles that we will be facing.

to live everyday is an oppurtunity for us to be a better person.to do better for ourselves and to other people…getting better is not easy but it can be achieved with a positive outlook.its not easy if youve been thru a situation which made you feel like a nobody..but with GODS guidance and blessings getting better is not far from our reach…all we have to do is to let GOD drive our lives for us,lets go to where he wants us to go and for sure the road that we will be taking to live each day of our lives is the right track,and the right one for us to take.
sheela

@Laura –
you’re definitely not alone LAURA…ive been to similar situation the worst that i can think of…i have a BF for 3 years and we also have plans of getting married both of famlies and friends were informed of our plans…all of a sudden i have known that he has made another girl pregnant,i was really devastated..i got depressed,i have never expected that such thing could happens to me,to us…but i have to face the truth that no matter how much i love him the trust is already ruined…you can survive whatever you are facing right now…just TRUST in the LORD for HE is there to help us in everything that we are facing…I only hold on to HIM that why i have survived after what i have experienced…just pray…
RAE

Hi eddie, I really really want to get over my boyfriend because I know how much better I will be with out him. I know he really is bad for me. I know he keeps back-ups and lies to me. I also know that he loves me to the point that he was constantly scared to lose me and in turn treated me like I was an enemy that could hurt him. I loved him so much that I knew I was getting done wrong and instead of walking out on him and hurting him I just drove us crazy with accusations and fights until he had no choice but to leave me. I was hurting the whole time I was with him. So now that it is over I don’t know how to deal with it. How can you be in love with some one you hate? I’m torn and hurt. I can’t decide which is worse. I’m having a war with my heart and brain. I’m filled with what-ifs….had I just shown him I was never gonna leave. I saw potential in him I never saw before in any one but we couldn’t get over each others insecurities. We were so much alike I know he’s angry. And I’m more worried about him being hurt then me? So how do I go about the steps. I’m not angry. I’m worried. I want to move on. But I can’t accept the fact that is how he really is.
JustMe

RAE- I cannot believe how similar our feelings toward our exes are. I was with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years and we lived together for 2 1/2 of them. He was physically, verbally and emotionally abusive. He was controlling and jealous to a point of absurdity, and I put up with it. I think somewhere deep inside of me, I wanted to believe that he was that way because he loved me so much. Now, we have been broken up for 1 week and he already has another girlfriend, whom he obviously left me for. She is living WITH him in the home that we lived together in and as much as I hate him, I still love him. I want him back, even though all my friends and family know this man is a monster. I think that I just put so much into the relationship and tolerated such horrible things, in the hopes that he would realize one day how much I loved him and change. And it’s a shock and devastating to me that he is the one that walked away. He is claiming that I nagged to much and never gave him any attention sexually. But yet, the reason I nagged was because he began going out 3-4 nights a week and coming home after 3 am. In my opinion, in a commited relationship, I had every right to voice my opinion as I felt I was being neglected. I wasn’t ”allowed” to go out with friends or have male friends AT ALL. But yet, he could come and go as he pleased because he was ‘the man of the house’. Now he has a 22 year old gf with no job (I’m a hard working 31 year old) so of course she has all the time in the world to wait around for him at all hours of the night (except that he takes HER everywhere with him). And when he used to get home at 4 or 5 am on WEEKNIGHTS he would want to be intimate and I’d be half asleep and have work the next day. That’s when he started saying I lost interest in him, but I hadn’t. I just wanted a NORMAL life. A man that would come home so that he had TIME to be intimate with me and work as well. He’s 36 years old and has reverted back to his early twenties…and I guess there’s nothing I can do about that. But I think about him all day everyday and it takes all the strength I have in me to even go on. I’m so lost. I’m so hurt and I’m SO SO angry.
M.M.B.

you did the right thing by distancing yourself from this man. your happiness is the most important thing, and as I have learned during my recent breakup if a bf doesn’t seem to be into you, there is no possible way to change his mind (i’ve certainly tried).

this guy is obviously not good enough for you, and it makes perfect sense that you still have feelings for him, they always linger after an intense relationship. just try to keep being strong, and remember that you are doing the right thing, and that the feelings of anger, missing your ex, and constantly thinking about him are totally expected after a break up and that they will eventually go away.

good luck, and try to realize that you will find a guy who treats you well, and respects you as a person, and deserves you, just be patient, and in the mean time don’t forget that you are a good person and you deserve the best.
Sim

I’m just too lonely, sometimes I think it’s the loneliness that is killing me. I desperately need someone beside, I feel like I’m thrown away and I’m nothing than a loser.
I look at myself in the mirror and I know I’m losing who I am. I’ve tried my best to set goals for life, but sometimes I find it too hard to move on
Ron

Ron, First Post, Feb 19th, 2008

As you can read from my first post, I was pretty devastated, in four weeks, I lost 27 lbs, was on medication to sleep, medication to eat, and started seeing a therapist for the first time ever, there were times I didn’t think I was going to make it, I looked into the mirror and was shocked by what I saw looking back at me. I was so lonely, full of guilt, not knowing what to do, call, don’t call, lay low, push ahead and try to win back the Love I knew deep in my heart was the one for me.

Well, so much has happened since, its almost 10 months since our break-up, I gained back my weight, I’m off the medication, and stopped seeing my therapist, time does heal, never thought that was true back then, but it does, but its still not easy. I still have my highs and lows, and I’m still not where I want to be, but thank God, I’m not where I was.

I have agonized as I have watched my ex go from one new boyfriend to another, and each time it ends, I go charging back hoping for the best, but to no avail, when will I learn, we talk now from time to time, but its few and far between, but those conversions are to die for. When we talk she seems so happy and doesn’t have a care in the world, but I can barely control myself, the phone actually shaking in my hand for fear I might say something to push her further away or the fear that I might start crying again and lose what dignity I have regained since our breakup. I know I should stay away but I can’t.

She called on Thanksgiving Day to wish me well, I was on top of the world when she did, but at the end of our 5 minute conversation I was devastated once again, she told me she was having Thanksgiving dinner with her “New Boyfriend,” well, its been 10 months but that statement destroyed my entire day, once I hung up I started to cry, I barely ate anything at dinner, and now all I can do is think about her with someone other than me, its still so hard.
My birthday is in two weeks, then 2 weeks later its Christmas and then New Years, I don’t even want to think about my disappointment if she doesn’t come visit, which is my secret desire, I know after the holidays it will get better, but for the first time ever I now know why people get depressed around the holidays, when you are all alone, and the one you love more than life itself is not with you, but could be, but doesn’t want to be, and to make matters worse, rather be with someone other than you, someone that you know for a fact won’t treat her half as good as you would, rips your heart out and makes you want to fall to your knees and scream!

I’m trying to stay positive, and Lord knows I am better then I was, but God, when will the agony end! I now know the pain will subside, because it has, but I don’t think I will ever get over her, and God help the one that replaces her, Lord knows she will never fill her shoes! As for dating, all I see is trash, no one compares, after I had sex with someone else for the first time, when she left I started to cry, why, because it reminded me of my ex, what we used to share, the tender moments, plus, I felt guilty because I had sex with someone other than the one I Loved, it felt wrong after it was over, I just pulled the covers over my head and cried myself to sleep.

Bottom line to everyone else, it does get better, but its so very, very hard, each day is a struggle, good luck to each of you, we all need it, and deserve so much better!
melissa de la maine

Hi Sim! I am devastated to read that yo you feel this way! It is terrible! Don’t ever think you are nothing and that you deserve this pain because you do not! Find a way of liking what you see in the mirror! Surround yourself with people who make you feel good! Keep busy do things that make you feel good! I started going to church when I was 18 and had depression! I didn’t find God or anything like that it just made me feel safer. I also started doing charity work, voluneter work, fundraising! Helping others can really make us appreciate what we have and how well off we really are!
I am sure I have said nothing which has helped but please please don’t think you are worth nothing! To the world you may be one person but to one person you may be the world! Appearance and wealth are not the things which make our dreams come true it is strength of character, it is loving ourselves in spite of our imperfections, it is seeing perfection in our inperfections! Be who you are and be proud! You don’t need somebody to make you whole, you are already as whole as you need to be! Remember strangers are friends we have not met yet. Go and meet them!

@Sim -
Marshal67

Eddie, you gotta help me out.

I & my g.f was in relationship for 6 months. Then last week, I called her 20 times, she didn’t pick up the phone. Then she comes online and says that she wants to break up because of her mum. Her mum went to the astrologer and found that from chinese zodiac, Mine(“RAT”) and hers(“RABBIT”) marriage doesn’t work and would be really horrible if we did marry. So she forced her daughter to break up with me. When I said that she is the one who’s gonna spend life with me but she denies and says that my mum went through the same situation like ours and her dad died because of that. Her mum doesn’t want that to happen for her daughter. I called her mum and tried to persuade her not to believe in superstitions but I failed. This is my final semester of undergraduate degree and I am really being frustrated and unfocused. I also need to focus on my studies so I was wondering if you would give some suggestions to get over it ASAP.
Thank you
Thomas

I left my partner of 8 years in December. It wasnt working out and we knew it had to end. I looked outside this relationship for love and thought i had found the love of my life in Late November. This other women showed she cared and loved me as i did her. After 6 weeks she told me she didnt love me and didnt want a realtionship as the time wasnt right for her and her feelings of love where now more like friendship,,,this was confusing as 6 days before that she said she loved me more and more every day..two weeks after this she told me we would be only friends after taking a trip we planned together in March. We couldnt get the money back so we went. For another 5 weeks up until the trip and on the trip she showed me she really did care for me. Im sure she does. This women has never striked me a a player but she says the time is not right for her. This has hurt as i was the first time I had felt love and given it back freely for years. Last night i told her it hurt what had happened, I had loved her and the feelings have been more wanting to be in love with her , getting the same back more then actually feeling in love. But I do feel I love her but I think its confused with not loving myself and thats what the pain and hurt I feel is about..Maybe I want her to heal the pain i feel inside me. We meet last night and to clear the air and have closure..We hug and it felt right ,,,she sms me today and said she feels so comfortable with me,,,I do care deeply for this women but i seem to latch oto everything she says when its only her being caring,,,
Stephanie

What do i say to my ex if i meet them?? Thanks for the advice.
xx
dave

I can totally understand how you feel. Ive been broken up with my gf for 2 months now and I was so depressed. Ive lost myself and despite all the signs telling me we wont get back I ignore them. I wake up every morning thinking of her feeling terrible, every night before I got to sleep I think of her and pray we will work it out. I am sometimes sick and lost loads of weight. Im better than I was but im in denial and I cant let go. I wonder how I will feel in the future and If I will ever be happy without her. I love her so much but everytime we speak I some how bring the relationship into it pleading with her and asking if we will ever get back which annoys her and upsets her. I tried the no contact rule but it lasted 5 days and I had to ring her. We had a nice cinversation but the next day I rang her and for some reason asked her if she was seeing anyone which she told me was none of my business and hung up. So im back to square one, Ive been hoping all this time we could work things out and its all I want more than anything in the world, and yet any chance I had I make it worse for myself by bringing it up. The pain I feel is so immense and the memories haunt me everyday. i dont know what to do and ask myself if it will ever end. Its like a curse, I want to move on but I cant seem to let go the hope of us getting back together which she hasnt ruled out yet. She wont rule it out she says if its meant to be it will be but I dont know how to interprit that. I need to move on either way but its hard and I dont know how to control my thoughts.

Hope you feel better, I know the pain you feel and it sucks
Sharon Plahay

I am on the verge of a breakdown, I have started antidepressants because I have been feeling suicidal!
I met my husband on Myspace Aug 07, we fell in love instantly and married a year to the day I messaged him Aug 08. Thing is he has moved 200 miles to live with me, it was the happiest moment in my life. But my daughter of 15 has managed to finally split us up. It was only last night I heard from my eldest daughter that her sister had said a few months back that she was going to to make a Masterplan to split me and my husband up. Everything falls into place now when me, my husband and eldest daughter talked about all the arguments. we found out she had told lies about him and I stood by my daughter and didnt punish her. My husband said he felt alone and ganged up on. He said after all blood is thicker than water and if we stay together she would be in our lives forever. He said he still loves me and is going back to his hometown as he couldnt live with her under the same roof after all she has done. I am devastated that he is going and cant handle the way he has been so cold to me. He says he doesnt want to get close because it will cloud his jugement and he has made his decision to leave and start fresh. I said I hate her for ruining my future and said she can go live with her father and I will move down to my husbands home, but he said it wouldnt work as she would still be in his life wether or not he ever saw her again., and he doesnt want anything connected to her. He was a wonderful man and husband who never raised a hand to me and bought both of the girls presents and went out as a family, and ive losed him. Why ?, because I have a selfish unfeeling child, who wanted not just me to herself but to have the run of the home as it was before my husband moved in. I dont think I will get over him, its harder when you BOTH love each other and know its the end. I will have him on a PEDISTAL because he was the most loving generous man ive ever met, and for the short time we had together I will make sure those memories stay in my heart. We both cried together this morning, knowing we will not see each other again, but now im left with a volotile anger towards my daughter, who has taken my lovely future away in a click. She starts college in Sept 09, she will meet new friends, have a new life and still have her boyfriend of 2 years by her side. I am left in a big 3 bedroomed house on my own and no one to share anything with, i feel lonely scared and abandoned..please help, Any advice from anyone would be apperciated my email is scubasharron@yahoo.co.uk Hope you all find happiness x

Sharon

I can now look at this message and it seems soooo dramatic. I thought my husband was the the best thing that had happened to me, but since the previous message I discovered he was texting and forwarding my personal texts to his new lady friend. He slept with her on the 13 july and text me on the 15th July to say we could make a go of it. I NOW FEEL LIKE i CAN NEVER TRUST HIM AGAIN. I love him, but now that i KNOW HE HAS SLEPT WITH Sarah St Clair Gunn within a few hours of meeting ( slapper ) I dont think the relationship will work. Although it is me who has travelled 208 miles to be together, and he still thinks he has done nothing wrong cuz we where on ” a break ”. Everyone and anyone can do beter !

Isabel

I can relate to everyone’s story in some way. One year ago, I was in a wonderful relationship. I had never before felt the things he made me feel and no one had ever cared for me in the ways he did. It was without a doubt the happiest part of my life. He is the first man I have ever been in love with. We made plans together, we discussed marriage and everyday he told me I was the one. He bought me a promise ring for Christmas and I still remember every word he said to me that night and how lucky I felt to have him. We were in deep love and I never thought it would end. Come January, I started to see a different person. He didn’t look at me the same, didn’t touch me the same and after a while he seemed to just stop showing affection. We broke up at the end of February. Two weeks later, he called me to tell me he missed me and wanted to work on things. As I find out, he had gone on a date already and it made him miss having me. I was angry but I forgave him. So we worked on our relationship and got back together in April, which was the mark of our one year. Three weeks later, here I sit broken hearted again. He broke my heart twice. It’s horrible because I don’t think he’ll come back this time. He seemed content with the break up and ready to move on. He just fell out of love with me and didn’t feel the same anymore. He was a completely different person. I just don’t understand how people and feelings can change so abruptly. One month we were crazy in love and the next, we were breaking up. The pain I feel right now is nothing like I’ve ever felt. I don’t know what to do and I’m so tired of crying and praying for him to come back to me. I think it’s even harder because he is the only man I’ve ever been in love with and because we had discussed marriage and he referred to me as his soulmate all the time. I don’t know what to do anymore. This site was very helpful, and I’m trying to get through the acceptance stage. I want to see him so badly again but I think it may make the situation worse. It hurts to lose the one person you thought you’d spend forever with. I am young, and I know there are other fish in the sea, but I can’t help but feel like he is the one and I lost him. I can’t help but feel like I will never find anyone else like him again. It hurts everytime I think about it.
stephanie

i dont know where to begin all i know is i am feeling very depressed, abonded and all alone with 4 kids. my now ex of seven years and father to my kids just left me. We had gone on vacation back to his home town in california and on the day we arrived home to Texas he started and argument and walked out on us. Drove back to California just dropped us off like dogs with no money food or transportation. I cant seem to function right i cant sleep eat and feeling like my world has ended and asking myself why this is happening to me? it is very difficult for me to even type this out so forgive me if its not in proper grammer. Im just feeling all alone i have no one to talk to and have no idea whats going to happen. What makes it so much harder is im all alone with four kids i have all these bills and only enough to cover the rent. So im in a world of stress. i just dont understand how someone could be so cold and heartless and just get up and leave with no worries behind, I dont know how to even begin to get over the pain and heartache. will i ever get over him and these feelings? What scares me the most is i planned my life with him and our kids and dont know how i can even see myself with someone else. Im trying so hard to be strong for my kids sake but its sooo hard when they are constintly asking for him and asking when is he coming back. I am litteraly feeling sick to my stomach just thinking about it. What can i do? How can i move on ? Thanks for taking time to read this i just really needed to get this out somehow. Its so hard because i have no one to talk to this is the only way i could really express myself and how i am feeling.
Christy

I have a beautiful love story that ended in disaster. My ex’s mother and my mom have been best friends since we were kids. His mother remarried and moved away when we were ten. We are both 37 and hadn’t seen each other for 18 years until Christmas of ’07 when he came in to visit family. He was living in Colorodo and we started corresponding by phone and email. Six months later he was counting down the minutes to come and be with me. I live in a very small city and have a 16 year old daughter. He moved in with us and everything seemed to be perfect. I’ve had my share of dysfunctional relationships and had never had a relationship that we could both be around each other’s families. A couple of months ago he started saying that we didn’t have enough in common, that I didn’t support his artwork (he draws comic books) and started staying out a lot. I began to drink more frequently and didn’t know what to do because I felt like I was losing him. Needless to say this didn’t help and I started going through his belongings. I found a paper about a month ago with his plan to move to Wilmington and never said anything. I fooled myself into thinking we could work it out. The crazy thing is that he insisted that he loved me but didn’t want to argue. I just don’t understand why he dropped everything and didn’t care what anyone said to come be with me and now he won’t even call.
http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

@stephanie -

Dear Stephanie,

My heart goes out to you.

It’s not easy to give practical advice in such a difficult situation. I would first sort out the financial situation: does he plan to support you financially, is he obligated to do so by law? Etc.

Then try to be there for your kids. Concentrate on them, especially on their emotional needs.

It is important that you try to find a “support group”: parents, old friends from high school, neighbors, coworkers… you need to be able to talk things off your chest.

Also, find something to do at the “quit times”, especially at the evenings. It’s important to keep your mind busy, negative thoughts are your enemy now.

If you think that you couldn’t bear it any longer just post here!

All the best for you,
Eddie
http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

@Christy -

Christy,

Sometimes the reality didn’t match our expectations. In fact this happens a lot. It is very important that you realize that this is definitely NOT your fault.

Just try to NOT think about the “if onlys” and “what ifs”.

Eddie
Carolyn

Hey,
I’m trying to get over my break-up, the hardest part is trying not to hold onto hope that it might still one day work out. This break has been particularly difficult for me as it was my first relationship ever, and we dated over a year. When it ended my best friend involved herself in it and wants nothing to do with me now, and my other friends were all friends with both of us and for some reason, they’ve all decided I’ve acted badly by involving my “best friend.” But she’s the one who inserted herself in it in the first place by advising him to break up with me again b/c earlier in that morning he’d said he was sorry he left me and he’d never do it again and he wanted to work things out. Unfortunately I’m also rooming with her boyfriend, who hates me now too b/c when i was trying to make up with my ‘best friend’ after she interfered with my break up, she mentioned that she got the vibe i’d never really approved of her relationship. And it’s not that I haven’t approved but she only cares about him and dropped me out of her life a lot when she started dating him, and I feel lik ehe treats her with a lot of disrespect when drunk. So now she hates me b/c I finally told her how i feel about him, but she asked me in the first place.

My mom doesn’t have any patience at all really and she and I got into a huge argument the other day over the same shit she always does, and I normally put up with it but i’ve been so stressed out recently i couldn’t handle it. I’m the type of person that functions well when I have the support of my friends and family. Recently, it’s just been me. And losing all of this in a month’s time sucks. He broke up with me the week after our one year anniversary too, which I know he enjoyed, and he says he still loves me but it’s not working. I’ve gotten upset and crazy and I know that he doesn’t want to be back with me. I’ve never been the type of person to have a lot of self-confidence, I know I need to work on myself and I try. But it’s been that much harder b/c I’ve lost my support system. And my boyfriend like, a couple months ago got really drunk and shoved me and choked me, and we’ve been trying to wokr through that. but he doesn’t like dealing with emotions, especially my negative ones all the time. Everyone says I can do better, everyone says move on. I just can’t find that switch that clicks to magically letting go.
AK

Hello Everyone,

I wondered if anybody has any advice from experience about meeting one’s ex after a mutually agreed-on breakup. Me and my ex decided on not continuing the relationship after a bunch of problems and eventually, my departure overseas for temporary work. I was the one who initiated the breakup and my ex agreed, somewhat reluctantly in the beginning, but I also tend to think, with a dose of relief. We’ve been talking since then, although I took a break during which I stayed away from the communication or kept it to a minimum. I really don’t feel the same way about him, but I have to see him to pick up some of my things from his place, and I also want to see him and catch up, and see where things are in his life. At the same time, I am afraid of falling into it again, because I have made so much progress over the past few months, and with each day after the separation, it just feels more right to be apart, and I see light in the end of the tunnel. How to avoid a disaster? I haven’t seen him for a couple of months now and I don’t even know if I will feel anything when I see him, but even if I do, how to avoid falling into this trap, after going such a long way in realizing we’re not good for each other?

Thank you,
Auburn Arens

I have to say that losing your first love isn’t easy. I was going out with someone for almost 2 years. He was love of my life. He left me in about May of this year. Really, he just was not ready for the commitment of a long term relationship. He just wanted to be a kid, and even though he loved me I think he knew this isn’t what either of us wanted. And even though we loved each other, right now wasn’t the best time to stay in a relationship.

I watched him grow from the boy he was when I met him into who he is now. I feel like we both learn’t from each other. We didn’t have the perfect relationship, but we were in love.

The only problem was I love him to much, I left my friends, my school, I moved for him cause he wanted me around more. I started going to his school, and things were perfect. But I think I was “cramping his style” cause NOW the problem wasn’t I was never around. I was around ALL the time. And I feel like it ruined our relationship.

To be honest I am still hurting from losing him, I think, “What did I do wrong?” I found some old pictures of us and I realized that I had some wondeful times with him. And I will never forget them. Those pictures made me laugh, smile, and cry all at the same time.

We don’t really talk as much anymore, and things are still tense between us. But I think we were both done crying about it.

I miss him, more than words can even say. When I hear a song that reminds me of him, I am almost brought to tears. Really, I an still in love with him. But I know in time that will fade, and I will be able to move on with my life.

This summer is nothing like the last, our two years will be next month, and I was hoping I would still have him. And he would be all mine. But I see now that he doesn’t need me anymore. And if he is happy, I am happy for him. I loved him so much, I let him go.

I will always love him, and I get the feeling there will always be apart of him that loves me too.
MS

If someone doesn’t want to be with you, there is nothing you can do or say to make them stay. – I know this NOW~ I have been living with my boyfriend for over a year. He was a stock broker and due to the current situation had lost it all. I had helped him get into a place by signing a lease (since his credit was beyond bad) stood by his side and always comforted him in any decisions he made. I might have been a little controlling with some issues regarding the cleanliness i liked the house-or the fact that its NOT ok to go out with your friends thinking you’re a single guy. And the major one was that i do not tolerate lies-whatever you do-dont lie….just didnt know i was dealing with a pathological liar.
He has recently started a new job (which i was happy for him). I thought this would finally be a turning page to the bad experiences that we had gone through within the last 2 yrs. I had lost my job and have unfortunately been in the dumps in all aspects of my life… so if anything I was excited for the change. Well, just 4 days into the job and making a lot of money-his attitude completely changes. He decides to not come home one night, the following day he calls and tell me that he will be home-but then threatens that ‘if i dont want to be home-i dont have to…stop being a nag’. I had just recently called a number on his phone that belonged to a girl he had met on a plane-which was contacting him to hook him up with her single friends since he told her that he was ‘taking applications’- I had put her on speakerphone so he would listen-but it didnt even shake him. In his mind he did nothing wrong-and that there are two sides to every story. So thats was the way that I was beginning my week with him-on Monday he starts the new job…everything is going as normal as it can (i am still deeply bothered and hurt) and by Thurs he texts me at 930 to tell me that he will be staying with a friend bc its late, tired, and doesnt want to commute an hour to come home. I got upset-but by the next morning had no chance but to move on and for my own sanity give him the benefit of the doubt. Now Friday is here-at 330 he calls and says that he had a good day at work and will be getting a drink and some dinner with a friend and would be home shortly after… Which i was fine with…An hour later he calls ‘what are your plans this weekend? are you going out? i have to work tomorrow and my friend wants to stay over-but isnt going to if your there’ I was caught off gaurd and didnt even know what to say- We ended up getting into a fight about this and the conversation ended in ‘i dont even know if im coming home’-the usual. A few hours go by (I had been texting him that we were finished-i will be taking care of this place on my own and to come pick up his things, etc) he undertstood very well that he needed to get out-but then ends up thinking and calling me ‘oh-im coming home now..and my friends staying the night’ Like this was sort of game to him. I was extremely upset and had to stand on my 2 feet for once and told him that with all this “money” (which he has been rubbing in my face) he was making now to get himself a hotel. That really pissed him off but he knew that he wasn’t going to come home. Since at this point in time he doesnt have a car-he is dependent on his friends to pick him up and drive him to work,etc. The night goes by and he then starts texting me randomness about the great hotel room he’s in…. i end up falling asleep and ignoring his childs play. Today is Saturday and his friend is suppose to drop him off today after work and we are suppose to figure out what is going to happen. As much as the emotions are tied and i (in my heart) want things to work-and us be happy.. I find that to be impossible due to his selfish-narsasistic character. I need to move on for MYSELF. I know what i should do and need to do-but i am just torn. I feel like I need guidance or a 3rd party to look in and tell me what is going on here, That is where i come in and say ‘if someone doesnt want to be with you-you cant force them’ So there is no need for me to do that anymore. I need to kick him out today-and finally move on. This is going to the hardest thing to do-and I really do hope that I get the courage and self control to finally do this today and not let him come in and manipulate the situation-like he does with his entire iife. I just wish the pain and crying, not sleeping nor eatting-would just go away already-im exhausted in every term
stronger ;)

@MS –

Dear MS,

You are on the right path – if you have already realized that this relationship is not bringing you happiness, but only hurt, it would be a big mistake to close your eyes for the truth and ‘try to make things work’ – because for this, it takes both people involved in the relationship, and as you have explained here, the other person is not committed to that. I realize that your emotional attachment to him makes breaking up so difficult and painful. But you know that if you remain in the relationship, you will never be truly happy and truly loved by this person. And you deserve your own happiness, and you deserve to be loved. The only way to achieve those is to break up, heal and move on. You have to believe that there is something better for you over there, and a brighter future ahead. You deserve to be happy. Go for it.
Staci

Reading all of these comments have helped me feel not so alone. My boyfriend lived with me for 2 years. I had never let myself trust or love anyone before him. From the beginning, he told me repeatedly that i needed to trust him and stop being insecure and I did. I believed we would always be together and love each other no matter what. From the beginning, if we got into an argument he would leave and not take my calls. He would say he was never coming back but after a day or two, he always did. He did that about 5 times in 2 years. The last time he did it was 4 months ago. He told me he would never come back and that i needed to focus on myself. After a week, he came back. He said that being without me didnt feel ‘normal’ for him. He said that he couldn’t imagine his life with out me. Then, he lost his job. I’ve been financially and emotionally supporting him for 4 months. I did my best to keep his self esteem up. We got along better and argued less than we had for the 20 months before. I was really truly happy and felt at peace. Then, Saturday before last, i went to my neices birthday and he called and said he was leaving. He hasn’t spoken to me sence. I have emailed him and he has only responded to 3 of my emails. Each time, he has said i need to move on and get over him. He said he is never comming back and he has things he needs to accomplish. In his last email, he told me he has “been where I am” and he know’s it hurts, but i’ve got to let go. He said he couldn’t be “everything” to some one. I told him that he wasn’t everything to me, but he was everything i wanted in a man.
I’m just in such incredible shock. I don’t understand how some one can just shatter the life of someone they supposedly loved.
Sharon

@stephanie – please get in touch and let me know how you are gettign on, Sharon x
Jay

Wow. After an 8 month relationship, I just got broken up with. I got a DM on Twitter (worse than a text message). Saying she thought her (abusive, manipulative) ex husband would make her happier than I would.

We’d been together 12 hours previously (we’re in a long distance relationship), and she’d been distant all week… so I guess I know why now.

After we parted, I tried to call her to tell her I loved her. No answer. Tried to call her from the airport. No answer. Tried to call her when I got home. No answer. At midnight, breakup DM.

It’s 2 days later, and I have no idea how I’ll ever get over this. Mostly it’s the total lack of closure. Of why. Of what went wrong (the trip was great besides her distance, which I chalked up to her work). Of what I did. Of why she couldn’t TALK to me, even via EMAIL, or a VOICEMAIL…. a 100 character breakup message, followed by silence?

I’ve finally moved to the point where I’m no longer calling her. I’ve realized it wasn’t an accident, nor was it her ex, since she’s been silent for 36 hours. She did actually break up. While I feel a huge need to get drunk, I’m not going to call anymore. I have no idea why it happened or what to do, but I’m at least going to have enough self respect to not beg.

I hope.

Gawd.

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