Getting Over A Break Up - The Final Chapter

Getting Over A Break Up – The Final Chapter

by Eddie Corbano

Healing From A Break Up In my work with people who suffer from a break up or divorce there is one question which is mostly asked first: How long will it take to get over it? How long will the pain last?

Even I asked this question many years ago. I waited two and a half years for that answer to come. It was then I realized what the final chapter in getting over a break up was.

I know how it feels.

Sometimes it seems so unbearable that you cannot imagine your life ever to be happy again. I will tell you something that you already feel is true inside of you, but your analytic mind doesn’t allow you to acknowledge: You will be happy again. And if you take this challenge, you will be much stronger than you were before.

I’ve been there.

You must look at this terrible experience as an opportunity, only then you will have the right mindset to from upon it. I know that it is very difficult to get into that state and it may take you some time. But when you actually understand, the healing will begin.

Unfortunately, many do not look at this the way I do. They try to get their Exes back or jump into another relationship right away. They would do anything to stop the pain. Isn’t this understandable?

Don’t try to get your Ex back

Sure, this may help for some time, but eventually this will get back to them with much harder intensity. Because the problem is buried deep inside and it will not go away if you mask it or ignore it.

Why do many people betray themselves for the chance to learn and grow from this devastating experience? The answer is of course because it costs them too much. It’s too expensive, too damn hard and too alluring to take the easy way.

Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing, end them.
—Shakespeare’s Hamlet

So, what is the final chapter of getting over a break up?

When you heal from a relationship break up you have to go through the following four phases:

Acceptance: Your partner is gone and he/she won’t come back
Depression: You have to face the pain and all the negative emotions
Independence: You have to learn to live alone
Reopening: You have to learn to open up to other people and to a new relationship again

Everyone has to go through this steps. The two secrets on how to get over a break up are only an additional help, there is no healing without going through these steps.

The last chapter of the healing process therefore appears to be to prepare and actually step into a new relationship. But if you want to do this the right way, there is yet another step before that.

One of the greatest problems, before you can really open up to other relationships, is your attitude towards your Ex. It happens very often that you idealize your Ex, remembering only the positive aspects about your former relationship, but completely dismissing the negative ones.

You have put your Ex on a pedestal

This can cause pretty much damage in your upcoming new life. What you then have to do is to kick your Ex from that pedestal.

In order to do so, you have to face him/her again. I know this is a big one but very necessary. This is the only way to set the image right again and only when you pass this last test, then you’ll know that you are over him/her.

This is the last chapter in getting over a break up.

I am well aware that this is difficult and to a certain degree a risk. If you do this too early, for instance in phase 2, this may throw you even deeper into depression.

The final test

Take this as the final test to see if you are ready to move on.

How long will it take for you to reach this level? It really depends on your ability to accept and let go. I’ve seen it happen after 6 months, then again it may take up to 3 years. The deepness of your relationship is also a decisive factor.

But please, don’t look at this in terms of time. It takes as long as it takes for you to heal to a new person. It’s a path you consciously have to choose.

I’m here to help you along this path.

As always, if you have questions, I’m there for you.

All the best,

Eddie

(Photograph is from istockphoto / Imagine Golf)

Make your Ex suffer! Click here to watch my FREE presentation:
"How To Make Your Ex Regret They Broke Up With You"

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About The Author:

Eddie Corbano is a breakup-coach, relationship-advisor and founder of LovesAGame. He suffered from a devastating break up in 1998. Since then, he dedicated his life to helping others getting the best of this existential experience. The overcoming of a break up is an important step to autonomy and independency. Eddie Corbano developed some new coaching programs, which focus on evolving inner strength and the power to set and reach any personal goal. (Article written on September 25th, 2007)
Show all posts by Eddie Corbano

Category: Break Up and Divorce
Tags: break up, divorce, how to heal a broken heart, how to mend a broken heart

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Success Stories from other LovesAGame readers

Celiy

My boyfriend broke up with me last friday and i went through the mourning stage, but i rarely cried after it being nearly two years. I’m ready to try to not make it awkward and be friends, but he keeps yelling at me, and won’t let me talk to him, because my best friend keeps interfering, and its pissing me off frankly. Now my ex and i have been great friends before and i know he’s really nice… but even if i retracted all my friends he’d still be mad.

Should I try to talk to him and see what is bugging him, besides the obvious with my friend?

Shyla

I would not give that guy the time of day! Sounds like he's still upset about the break up even if he did do it he might think its a mistake. I'm assuming the reason you guys broke up was the fights?? I'd say forget about him and when he starts yelling at you don't talk back or even try just walk away with the satisfaction that you are obviously way better then him. He'll notice how his yelling isn't phasing you the way he'd wish it would and might try the more matture approach, like a conversation. You have to be strong and fight the urge no matter what he says to you though.

danny gomez

I have broke up with my girlfriend 5 years ago and i still can get over her.. i see her as the perfect one.. i have been in other realtionships but that has not made it any better. another thing that makes it tough is that we have a daughter so i can’t avoid seeing her… i mean i hardly talk to her and I only see her when I see my daughter.. I know i was the one who screwed over but its tough!!
jvrie

heLLo.. =’)
me & my boyfriend broke up a month ago.
we’ve been together 4 almost 7 months,
i know 8s not dat long compare to others experiences.
but why do i feel so much pain.

i thout breaking up w/ him can lessen the pain and gvs me relief.
but why do i suffer more ?

it really hurts to see he’s doing well while im suffering.. crying ol nyt. and thinking of him ol d tym. T_T

i know i should accept and face the fact.
i know that im too young
i know that there’s a lot of boys out dr i cn find some1 better,
some1 who deserve me
some1 who will love me 4 hu i am
some1 who will accept me
some1 who will never leave me…

but why do i can’t 4get him
why do i feel sooo much sadness

why i want him back.

i really3 do want him back.

bt 8 seems dat he don’t like & love me anymore.

he don’t even communc8 2 me.

it really2 hurts to see dat we’re both online but he dont even pm me. shud i do d 1st move? =(

i already send him a priv8 msg b4… bt he didn’t reply.

he deleted ol my comments and msgs to him.

what should i do?
pls help me

should i tell him dat i still love him???
what if he wl reject me? like wat he did to her ex girlfriend? T_T

or should i 4get him?
time heals as what dy always says.

i really3 want to forget dis feelings . now .
i cnt w8 4 dt tym to cum.
i want to be HAPPY again.

i did my best. i kept my self busy & enjoying my self w/ my friends.
bt when im, alone i cant help it bt cry :’(
d more i 4get him d more i think of him.

=’(

T_T

i’m tired crying…

Single_Girl_Swag

I get where your coming from, though I was with my boyfriend for 2 years and the last 6 months was hell! He gave up on us, though he and his actions were the root causes of our arguements… Its day 2 of our break up and what sucks is he is partying away in the city in a hotel room tonight because its his birthday party while im suffering, he didnt care about my feelings, so all in all you have to realise, HE DOES NOT WANT YOU BACK, Im not saying that in an angry tone but just trying to emphaise the fact that you trying to get in contact with him lets him know he still has control over you, why should he have control over you when he broke your heart? He obviously is not worth your time and energy, I understand its hard but on day 2 of my break up, I am going through the depression stage and though I want to go over to hotel room tonight and fucking kill him (excuse my language) I know getting revenge will just hurt me more… He broke up with me ovr the phone and text, he didnt have the guts to do it face to face, I thought we were so in sync and strong but he changed and your have to remeber its his fault not yours!! Hun you have to delete him off your PM list pronto, you will NEVER get over him if you don't remove all the things that remind you of him, your just hurting yourself! I did that as soon as we broke up, even crying when deleting the pictures and messages, but be fair to yourself! You at least deserve that much!

Yoli

@everyone guess what…karma is a b***h! Hehehehe. All these losers will get theirs! I keep thinking that the universe has better plans for me. And so the guy that dumped me will end up in a loveless, sexless and joyless relationship..

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Adriana

@jvrie -

I am so sorry to hear that,I know EXACLTY how you feel dont worry girlie you’re gonna be okay just give it time at night instaed of thinikinngg watch one of your fav moviee till you get exhausted that way you dont end up tjhinking of him. Girl look at hte brightside of it!! if he;’s stupid enough to hurt youu he isnt worth itt you’re so much valuablee than he’ll EVER bee
angelita

is been almost 7 months now, after he dumped me and i had broke the non-contact rule almost 10 times and every time i due it’s worst, but i just can’t understand why i still thinking about him and feeling bad and everything, if he is not the kind of guy i want next to me……… i guess everything will make sense later!
Rasvanthi

You know what ? You should seriously chuck him. Start the no contact rule. Start ignoring him. Remove him form facebook (if you have afb account) , Delete him from your contact list. Don’t ever call him or text him. Just be like you didnt come across him at all in your life.
All you have to do is… IGNORE him !
It really works. Trust me.
Take care.
Love.
Later.
Here’s my ID if at all you require: rasvanthi.reddy@hotmail.com
kathleen

Please someone help me!!! I feel like I am going to loose my mind… I have tried but I just want to know WHY?? please ??
Sarah

Thankyou so much for this article. I just found out a horrible detail about what my ex had been doing behind my back, and was overwhelmed with anger. I had so many questions and “why?” s and “F**K YOU” s.
I literally felt like that crazy girl who throws plates at her ex’s head. I was ready to drive to his house and beat the shit out of him. Thank god my phone was nowhere in sight or I would have broken the no contact rule (it’s been 10 days) and screamed down the phone and humiliated myself.

Instead:
I used the punching bag, then dissolved into tears of sheer relief.
I’m still angry, but it’s not overwhelming like before and I’m sure a few more punching bag sessions will being me closer to peace.

Vinay

ask me Sarah. until a few days back, i was the luckiest guy on earth with a perfect girlfriend cum would-be-wife and an acutely planned future. but this break-up took its toll on me. she, all of a sudden, became a bit too mature. more than what was needed. now she says she doesn't see a future in this relationship. would you beat that… this revelation is coming on her after 3 years of being together. I had planned my entire life according to her wishes and needs. now where should I go? to whom? with what?

Dionee

Well the guy i was dating, started to see another woman while my dad was dying in the hospital. I didnt have enough time to spend with him since I had to look after my dad. He then avoided me at all costs during the time I needed him most.

He would call occasionally but seldom asked how I was doing or about my dad. Actually one time he said “I don’t care about how you are feeling” and I was like “seriously??”. Now that I look back he was a real jerk and not worthy of my love.

I tried to get a confrontation out of him just so we could talk out what really happened and for me to tell him He was an ass and to wish him the best…but he wouldn’t commit to doing so . I got the message and made up my mind that, that was it.

He had photos up with him and this girl I knew on facebook and yet he said she was not his woman etc…damn liar. This guy hurt me deep and at the worst time …during the grieving period for my father…I severed contact with an occasional text or email (nothing personal at all) because I am a christian and i still wanted to show love. However it really did hurt so everything is over now.

I was way too into him and come to think of it way too good for him too…it was time to break free …there really is better out there. We just need to be patient and wait.
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Brandon

I’ve gone through acceptance & going through derpression.
Luckily I had the help of a close friend who has gone through this exact thing 8 years ago and has recently married the love of his life for the last 7 years. So I know it’s possible to move on.

I love the part about kicking your ex from her pedistal.
I never realized I was putting her up there.
Once kicked down it doesn’t seem as bad a loss.
I only focused on the ONE bad thing she did & not her other faults had been accepting (not easily or without problems) over the course of our 9 year marriage.
I couldn’t imagine my “Angel” doing this to me but now that I think of all the things that take her off her pedistal she doesn’t look so angelic anymore.
The part about facing them is probably true but I’ve been facing her the whole time since we are being civil in our divorce & not fighting over anything.

She also has answered just about every question I ever asked her.
This is good for closure/peace of mind.
She didn’t understand why I asked what I did but I explained that I was driving myself crazy trying to wonder how & what happened.
I hate secrets & told her she owed me answeres.
I do warn anyone thinking about asking for details because you might not be able to handle the answers.

Friends really help.
I’m in the process of reaching out myself.
Kevin

@Eddie Corbano – O wow, i know that all to well. I’m 18 and me and my ex dated for 4 years, we moved in together when we were 17( WHAT was i thinking) and i found this site 2 days after we broke up and after a month i felt fantastic, i wasn;t even going up and down, then we met up, talked for like an hour… boom i felt the same way i did when she broke up with me minus the panic. and now i feel im going through the motions again.
Jason

I really learned a lot from the article, my wife just left me 3 weeks ago, about one week prior to me having major surgery. The day of my surgery she proceeded to tell me had been with someone else. We have two children together, from 1yrs. Old to 3yrs and with me not working right doing rehab, now I am able to watch the kids while she works. So I guess what I’m asking is how do I start going through the steps when I see her everyday and all I can think about is us and our family and the good times together. Thank you for the good advice.
jessica

Hi i havent had the chance to seek help from other people about my break up, but it happened 5 days ago, he broke up with me over facebook!!!!
He is in another country and its hard enough as it is. I am absolutley devostated and im so lost.
It feels like mo whole world is going down around me. We were together for nearly 3 years.

Please help!

Jay

Do you feel after 3 months you are over it. I want to know for my situation

dumlock5

I feel my experience is somewhat unique in that I did phase 1 and 2 in the opposite order. Her reason was that she didn't know what she wanted and just didn't feel the strong feelings for me blah blah after 6 years, so I didn't fully accept that I lost her, and instead became depressed before even accepting what had happened. After visiting her at her farm and talking for a week I am now trying to accept that she is actually gone. The hardest part is that in the last weeks I have made every change that she had wanted me to change over the last 6 years ( stop smoking pot, stop biting my nails, excersise more, eat healthier, be happier, be more motivated, be driven and goal orriented) but I obviously made the necessary changes in my life just a bit too late, as I used to have every excuse in the book about why I couldnt change, until that slap in the face came around.

sarah

I know what you're going through, I went through phase 2 and I'm currently in phase 3 but I still haven't completely accepted that it's over for some reason.
I just want to tell you that sometimes it takes such a blow to wake us up and make us better people, and this break up in that way was a good thing for you. So use it as an experience to grow from

Jay

So this girl was my first everything, my first intense relationship, my first love, my first time, everything. I started to ask her some questions that you shouldn’t ask and I found that she did not love me and was not sure if she ever did; I was naive enough to believe when she told me she will love me no matter what happens between us. She’s moved on to another guy in less than a week and that makes me feel like I was nothing. I told her that having her around wasn't good for me. That we should end all communication, I also told her that I would talk to her on her birthday and if she ever needs me she shouldn’t hesitate to talk to me. I told her I loved her in the end and she didn’t say anything just smiled. She told me all of these sweet things and retracted each one. Saying she moved on and I should too.
Layla

Hi Eddie,

I just want to say how grateful I am for this site and for your advice!! My boyfriend of one year broke up with me two weeks ago, and since then I've been hurting like hell and couldn't understand why. All I was thinking was how I wanted him back, even if I knew perfectly well that I wasn't happy in the relationship and had been considering breaking up myself for a while. Thanks to your advice I am finally beginning to realise that this was panic and fear of being alone, and I can accept that it's over. I also realise why I've constantly been in relationships for the past 8 years, and that I have to take some time to get to know myself again. I know it's going to take a while before I feel completely fine, but your coaching is just great!! Thank you for doing something so important and helping so many people! I wish you all the best.
Princess

what if you are past the first 3 stages n yet still think about them alot? what if you cant completely erase them from your life?? how are you suppossed to manage to life your own life n block that person/their negativity away from you? i broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years about 4 months ago and i was pretty strong b/c i had gotten through the depression, anxiety and was loving my independence. but now i find myself thinking about him & all the good memories all over again. this i holding me back from even trying to make new friends. how can i trust people again & get back to jus being meeee in the “independence stage”?? i know these are alot of questions but i just tried to sum up the confusion & frustration im feeling to get some good advice
Heart Ache

My boyfriend of a year and half broke up yesterday with me because he was moving to another part of England, he calls it his next chapter. We still love each other but he doesnt want a relationship. I am now with my family who have no idea of the pain I am in and I have been so depressed. All my friends have given me advice and tried cheering me up but this just isnt happening. I want this pain to stop………..
No Goodbyes

My boyfriend and I made the mutual decsion to break up, a week ago today. This Jan. would have been our 6 year anniversary. I pretty much feel like I might die at any moment. Everyday seems to be getting a little better but it still hurts to much to even try to describe in words. How do you tell someone you love them and then turn and walk away? This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do…..
Alwaysgrowing

Wow! I almost didn't read this but I'm glad I did. A month ago I broke up with my boyfriend. I felt there were a couple of crucial problems I couldn't resolve with him, and felt I had no choice. But in the weeks since I can honestly say I've never missed anybody so much. All I could think about was how great he really is. Then I read the part about putting him on a pedestal and realized that's what I have done. So I had an idea. Being a list maker, I decided to make a list of why he's right for me and another of why he is wrong for me. To my surprise, the “wrong” list kept growing and growing, far surpassing the “right” list. What a breakthrough! I finally see in black and white, why I made the right decision, and I feel good about it. Just this morning I was crying over this man, and now tonight, I feel hopeful again. What a relief! I'm genuinely shocked at how that one piece of advice, and my list, has given me insight and peace. I'll sleep easier tonight. Thank you so much!!

93 broker

This is hell, It has been a month since my fiancee walked out on me and left me devestated, I have never been through such a close, emotionally charged break up, I have never been so needy nor dependent on someone…ever, I am still going through shock and panic attacks, i deleted her off facebook and all, been doing well with the whole NC rule, only after failing at it 5 times previously, I beged for her to come back, and all, but she wouldn t hear it, her mind is set that we are too differant, I never cheated or did any wrong play and i am only guilty of being too nice…I thought girls liked that, apprently not.I dont know what to do anymore… i ve been really sad and lonely, nothing interrests me as they once did, im not even career motavated… and the worst is i still hold on to hope , wishing she will come back, my pride is what protects me from makeing a fool out of myself again, I see who the other clowns she talks to are and they dont have much on me, but im still mad because i lost my fiancee…. its embaressing when family memebers and friends ask how she is doing all the time, worst of all everything i have reminds me of her… everything… what can i do! help

Blatant_narcissist

ah well, there will always be triggers hon. Its never as simple as 1234, its more like an up and down rollercoaster of emotions. two step forwards, one step back, you’ll get there.
Anon

Does anybody know when the crying actually stops? I haven’t come out of the shock of it after four weeks and can’t get her out of my head, and have no energy to do anything but sit still and gaze into space and cry. I am terrified that there is no end to this awful situation and I feel like I would rather not exist than feel this pain.

Bubbies

I’m so sorry to hear how hard you are finding it. I know exactly where you’re coming from, I was there 11 weeks ago. You’ve taken the first big step finding this website. The best place to start might be reading all of the articles. The one that really clicked with me is the one about ‘why a break up might be the best thing to ever happen to you’. Basically, it is asking you the question why you think that you need your ex to be happy, and telling you that you don’t, and true happiness lies only within yourself.

This is a huge, difficult, rocky and sad journey. But you will be ok. You will survive. You’ve got to view it as an opportunity to change your life now for the better. This site is a life saver, read everything, all the comments as well, post regularly, and in real life, use your friends and family if you can.

Good luck x

Anon

Thank you. It is a relief to hear that others have been there and are somehow getting through. I have read practically everything there is to read on this website and practising the no contact rule. Mine was a partnership of 27 years and I never thought for one minute that this would happen. Its just dismal: the crying, the hollowness, the endless thinking of her, the imagining of them together, the inability to function normally, no eating. Can’t even contemplate how my own life might be changed for the better. I guess its true, but impossible to see at this juncture. Thanks so much for the suppor.

Poop

For me it actually took about a month. First week or two was bad. I almost quit my job and I had been driven out of my apartment close to my family and I was in horrid debt. I lost alot but I gained so much more. Now I know what never to do again. I dated a sociopath or close go it.. It’s been over a year. I’m healed about 95%. you’ll never be 100% but don’t you dare let a negative breakup affect you and change you into a bad person for your next one. Or it’s just a cycle you see

Fred

Hey Ms. Florida- Call a friend or relative. You have a lot on your plate. If your son says you are beautiful you must be! What happened? Tell us your story. It will help.
http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

Facing the Ex means seeing them, talking to them.

But Careful! This is the very last step in breakup recovery, do this when you are essentially over your Ex, but feel incapable of making the very last step because of over-idealizing your Ex.

This can help you to realize that you are already over them, all that held you back was in your head alone.

Again careful! Do this too early and you will crush and burn.
Frozen-in-time

I can’t believe I found this site. Sort of an on-line support group! My story is short. My huband died in 1995 at the age of 35 leaving me with a 3 year old and a 16 month old. I didn’t date anyone until 2005, married him in 2006, divorced in 2007. He ruined my life, destroyed me financially. Now I can barely make ends meet as he took me for all my savings and my farm. It was 3 years before I tried going on a date….and he certainly wasn’t the match for me. A year later, was contacted by someone. Started with emails, led to phone conversations, talked twice a day, got along great! And yesterday, he decides we live too far apart to continue the relationship…It’s about an hours drive and yet both of us own our own business and don’t have to worry about kids.

Quite frankly, I am disillunsioned and tired of rejection. It just doesn’t seem to get any easier. I think it is the “starting over again” that I am tired of. It’s really really hard to see the positives in myself. Or to be confident at all. It’s like someone has knocked the wind out of my sails and I sit in limbo again.

What I really want to do is just go and talk face to face with this man (we ended it over the phone!) and discuss the “distance” issue. But I know this would be wrong. Why can’t I just accept this and let it go? Why do I keep thinking about this when he has told me how he feels. He says it isn’t about me, it is about the distance. Why do I feel the need to discuss this with him further?? Why can’t I just give it up? How do I just give up this feeling that I need to talk about this still with him?

Agggghhhhhh!! I feel frozen in time again!
Bla

these articles are amazing and after feeling awful i feel so much better now. thank you.
http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

You’re welcome, glad I could help!
ready2moveon

My ex and I have broke up more times than I care to admit, I am the one that usually leaves recently we decided to move back in together as I packed up my things to move back in she picked a fight with me, and told me to stay in my apartment, I am just wanting to move on with my life because this relationship is an unhappy and unstable one but what happens is I don’t seem to get all the way through the grief process and cave in and go back of which is usually worse, and I am always regretful of going back. I just want to move on with my life but over a period of time it becomes very painful and like I said I cave in and go back.
Tejas Shastha

Do you have any advice for dealing with an ex-girlfriend in the same class who pretends i don`t even exist while i`m drowning in misery every second? I have to see her everyday for the next year before college finally ends and i can get far away from her.
Tejas Shastha

Sophie help me understand this, you chose to leave him because he loved you TOO MUCH?! I ask because i feel i have been the victim of similar circumstances.
fish74

Tejas,

I feel your pain, I truely do. I work with my ex and seeing her everyday is SHEER HELL. She has no problem laughing and carrying on like we didnt even ever happen. She moved out of my home suddenly, a few days after Thanksgiving and though my birthday was two weeks ago, she didnt say a word. That is after I went WAY out of my way to make her birthday a special one. Leave your email if you want/need someone to talk to. Though I dont have good advice on how to handle it, I find that reading stories here helps.

Berny

@6739f26b5ba8490a48a6555121ef7a01:disqus : Bro, i can understand what u are feeling. I guess most of the men been through it…thats why i have decided not to date anyone in same class/office… the only thing u can do is be strong and try to be normal. Dont get into depression mode when u see here. Try putting on that fake smile and fake happiness. Dont let her win over u and…Even she thinks u dont exist, she may have eye on you. Best way to fight back is to be happy..i know its hard. But be a man, try having fun and keep saying urself ‘u are fine’..because at sometime ur brain starts accepting it. and u will move on. I know how it feels at this moment. But after few days u will just sit and laugh about it for wasting ur precious student life. I have been through hell of a times dude..so dont give much importance to all these things..buzz me back if u are still wanna talk..we all are here for u..remember : “cry for cuts and stiches, not for bastards and bitches”

regards

berny..

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