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Have YOU Made These Mistakes After Your Relationship Break Up?

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Months, or even years after a relationship break up, we will fully realize the fatal mistakes we made right after it happened. Especially the panic controlled actions that made us appear as a different person – often we don’t recognize ourselves any more.

It can bring out the worst in us.

It usually happens that we hate ourselves later for the things we’ve done. This is understandable, but the wrong thing to do. Not only does it damage our self-esteem, which is urgently needed for the recovery, (what’s left of it), but it also destroys the new concept of self-love we are trying to build up.

Avoid these feelings by telling yourself that the past is the past, and concentrate on the NOW.

There is a famous quote where it says that one should learn from the mistakes OTHERS make and thereby avoid them.

On the other hand:

“The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.”
—John Powell

I believe that there are two kinds of mistakes: the kind that you can learn and evolve from, and the kind that should be avoided.

When it comes to post relationship break up mistakes, there are some which better be avoided.  The following fall into that category.

Here are the main mistakes most people make right AFTER a relationship break up:

Mistake #1: Panic Controlled Actions

Confronted by what we think is the worst that can happen to us, we do anything to fight it off: we plead, we beg, cry in front of our Exes, harass, stalk, write e-mails, IMs, etc.

All these things will make you cringe when you later think about it.

I think that almost every “Dumpee” makes these mistakes – I don’t think that they are completely avoidable. These are desperate actions by our “animal” part of the brain, fighting for survival.

The sad thing is that they are completely useless. I’ve never heard that a “Dumper” came back after the “Dumpee” wrote them a gazillion e-mails begging to have mercy.

If you’ve made these mistakes, don’t beat yourself up over them.   If you’re about to commit them, try to resist.

Mistake #2: Reassuring Love

We are committed to thinking that if they only KNEW how much we loved them, they would come back immediately, so we keep telling them – over and over again.

The only problem is, they KNOW. They’re breaking up anyway.

Breakups happen rarely because the “Dumper” thinks that they are not being loved. Constant reassurance only leads to humiliation.

Mistake #3: Hoping To Stay Friends

This is a very common mistake that is often made by those having little experience with relationship break ups.

I know that your Ex was your best friend, your intimate partner, the closest person to you. But it is impossible to maintain this kind of relationship AFTER the breakup. Everything has changed – nothing is as it was before.

You can’t count on your Ex any longer, because they will harm you more than they would help.

The good news is, you CAN find another support system: Look for old friends who used to be close. Your family should also be of great help.

Use every connection you have for support – you need it.

Mistake #3 leads us directly to the next one.

Mistake #4: Maintaining Contact

The no-contact rule is the number one precondition IF you want to get over your relationship break up fast.

Look at it like a drug addict: you can’t get clean with YOUR drug right in front of you.

I talk about this is more detail here.

Mistake #5: Use Your Exes Friends And Family

Out of the ambition to make sense out of all of it, we use their friends or their family. We interview, manipulate and try to use them for our purposes.

Besides the fact that they rarely know anything about the deeper reasons, it really is inappropriate to involve a third person in your breakup. This is something that’s between you and your Ex.

If you do this, you will regret it later.

Mistake #6: Rebound Relationships

Many people leapfrog into a new affair right after their relationship breaks up.

I absolutely do not recommend that.

It may appear that this is the best thing to do in order to get over your Ex but, believe me, the opposite is the case.

You will be constantly comparing to your Ex, everything will remind you of them and you will be frustrated, because NOBODY is as good as your Ex.  (This is an illusion of course).

It will throw you back and it will mask your pain, hiding you from the issues your breakup needs to resolve. Don’t deny yourself the opportunity to work these things out. If you do, you have to face that problem again and again, from relationship to relationship.

For many people, healing will not start until they are alone with themselves, confronting their inner demons.

These are the main mistakes most people make right AFTER their relationship breaks up.

Please don’t beat yourself up if you’ve already made some of them.  Even if they should be avoided, some of these mistakes are part of the healing and learning process.

So even IF you will look back month/years later and regret a few things you’ve done, they might have been necessary to get you to the point you are today.

Now it’s your turn, tell me, which one if these mistakes have you made?

(Photograph is a courtesy of LunaDiRimmel)

My Recommendation For Further Reading:

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About The Author:

is a breakup-coach, relationship-advisor and founder of LovesAGame. He suffered from a devastating break up in 1998. Since then, he dedicated his life to helping others getting the best of this existential experience. The overcoming of a break up is an important step to autonomy and independency. Eddie Corbano developed some new coaching programs, which focus on evolving inner strength and the power to set and reach any personal goal. (Article written on August 25th, 2009)
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  • The #1 mistake almost every "Dumpee" makes
  • The secret about No-Contact that your Ex don't want you to know
  • The reason why you don't need closure
  • How to NOT make the same mistakes over an over again
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Newer Comments →
  • Aaron

    ive done most of these things. I learned how much i regretted doing all of these things. Once the hurt is gone and your ex is just another person in the world (though it may feel like that will never happen), the thought of all the emails, texts, and crying voicemails i sent her is just embarassing. Luckily i learned it years ago, and i avoided them all with my current state of woe, which is going on three months. I gave her a single call a few days after the fact. sure i cried, but i just asked her if she was sure of her decision. She was. and that was that. Haven’t spoken to her since, other then a text arranging the pick up of her things. As much as i want to call, text, email every single day since, i know it is futile and i know that i would regret it. so i just gotta keep on keepin on. right?
    right.

    • Tatiana

      my ex breakup with me about 4 months ago and i did every single mistake(jajajaj) the thing is i just realize how much pain this was giving to me, about 2 weeks ago. i can’t wait to get over this, but i know i will

    • Celia

      Me and my ex are colleagues. My ex wanted us to stay friends and wanted me to stay in his life. After we broke up, we continued to hang out just like before. The worst part was we continued to have sex. Everything was just like we were still dating…the only difference was he no longer identified this as “we dating” anymore…we were only friends. Since we work togther, we can still see each other everyday in the office. We continued to talk to each other on the phone after work everyday. It was very hard to have a clean break in this situation. This lasted for 2 months until he left for Australia for 1& 1/2 months. I talked to him 3 times while he was back in Australia (I had to contact him). I struggled so much and completely broke down while he was away. I underwent all these stages…….. depressed, regrets, guilts, sad, hurt, anger….it is very painful! My mom encouraged me to write him an email so that i would know whether we can still work things out or it would be the end of it. I did….and I knew even without the email……he wouldn’t want to work things out. All I need was just a closure for myself. Of course….i was devastated…..and I told myself it was time to “accept” this fact.
      I go on with my life doing all those things Eddie says in this website…….I made myself so busy……..til I’m exhausted everyday.
      I stay strong……. This week, my ex is finally back to the office. It has been a rough week for me. We didn’t talk at all. I didn’t even look at him…trying to avoid any eye-contact. i started crying myself to sleep again ……the fact that he is around again is an excruicating pain to deal with this breakup. I read the “no-contact” rule and decided to stick with this. It has been 3 weeks that we haven’t talked. But I still need to deal with his existence in the office everyday………..I know eventually…I have to face this with courage. one day, i’ll still need to look him in the eyes and talk to him. I think I can only do this when I can completely “let go”. I have to deal with the fact that we are physically in close proximity again on Monday. I can actually hear him from my office. I have to walk by him so many times each day. Can you imagine what i have to go through every single day……….

  • Patrick

    I am guilty of all of the above except #5, they were already mad at her for giving up so quickly. I wish I could do it all over again. I made myself look like a weak, shell of a man. I wish I could tell her that I regret doing it all, but that would mean contacting her and that is not going to happen. Live, learn & move on!

  • RLee

    I think my situation takes the cake for what not to do.
    I tried to remain friends with my ex for years. We had keys to eachothers apartments and for a while I thought it would be fine even though deep inside the pain was knawing at my insides. One night he got really drunk and called me so I wanted to make sure he got home ok so I told him to call me when he got home, I fell asleep for like two hours and it was late, I called his cell and home # with no answer. Fearing the worst I raced to his place only to find him home having sex with some one else. I wanted to die inside. After that I knew it was truly time to move on and there could be no contact. It was hard at first for like a few months but eventually I stronger than ever and am really moving on with my life and have met someone that makes me happy. Thanks Eddie for all your advice.

  • Karen

    Unfortunaltely all of them! yikes

  • Loreny

    I’ts been about 2 months that me n my ex broke up. An yes I did blame myself at first and then i would blame him. I went back and forth. The no contact rule was a no brainer for me because i had no other choice. I knew for a fact he wouldnt call me and i have too much pride to call him. I also know for a fact that things are completely over but it still hurts. I also made a major mistake by looking for a rebound and its true I only ended up hurting myself more. I’m still trying to deal with my pain, my low self steem that I gained from this breakup. I really want to believe that time heals all, but it just seems time is going by so slowly.

  • Shopper

    The no contact. I have not seen my ex in over a year now but he still will do the text thing here and there. Instead of me ignoring the text messages I would respond sometimes. The text messages would always ask for sex and of course I would not give in to it. I asked him to stop texting me because I will not have sex with him but he still does. I just started school and as soon as my financial aid kicks in I am changing my phone number. I have come a long way since our break up but can go even further once my number is changed because that tells me that I have accepted that the relationship is over/has been over for over a year. I still hurt from the relationship because it was a 10 year relationship but I now know that I am strong enough to move forward and know that there is someone out there who will love me for me.

  • Robert

    It was my first real relationship and I had waited so long, it seemed so perfect. I met this girl at work and we had a lot of common interest and got along great. I thought to myself “I’m not gonna be another a-hole, I’m gonna be her savior”. 6 weeks later she broke up with me and I was a mess. Looking online trying to figure out what to do I found some help and thankfully I had 2 great friends with break up experience, one was the office Casanova so he gave directions that I followed exactly despite the way I felt emotionally. During the first 4 weeks of the breakup her behavior was (I’m sorry to say) erratic. It was daily messenger texting about random things and her swinging by my desk to try and see what I was doing. She even asked my boss if I was acting weird and would send other co-workers to see if I was “alright’. This made me pretty angry, I guess we were in the first phase of the breakup where the relationship still seems like it’s happening. I came upon several sites that laid out these mistakes and I tried my hardest not to make them. I also found your site and it was just a Godsend. Your site was telling me exactly how I felt and what not to do which was generally NO CONTACT! And I tried the hardest I could, avoiding her, trying not to “stalk” her. I admit I did some at the beginning very discretely but it eventually wore off. With my friends help I was able to avoid these mistakes. I even remember asking him if I should make these mistakes! I wanted to call her tell her how much I loved her; I was told that would make me look desperate. I wondered if I could be her friend still; nope, not till at least a year when I’ve forgotten about her and even then it would start from scratch. I’m so glad I didn’t make those mistakes; I don’t regret anything at this point. I knew I had to fix myself and started seeing a Psychologist and also started a steps program. Now after several months of therapy and support I feel the best I have my entire life. I’m actually happy now despite not having anyone else. I’m learning to love myself, because in the end that’s who you’ll be left with so you better get along now! Thanks so much to my friends, and thank you!

  • Suzette

    I’ve broken the no-contact rule twice, and both times, I felt hurt and rejected all over again. The second time I broke contact happened because I truly believed we could stay friends. Everything in my gut says that that will only keep me stuck in misery, and that I need to let go if I’m going to grow from this a better person. I’m bouncing back quicker so I guess that’s a sign of improvement.

    I know now that absolute no-contact is the way to go, and am committed to the rule more so now than when I first tried it. I can’t say I’ve broken any of the others but I have thought about them.

    Thanks for your website, Eddie! And stay strong, everyone!

    S

  • allen

    rebound relationship. dragged on for almost a year. bad outcome for all parties involved.

  • Teresa

    OMG
    It seems to me I’m doing all of the above… but do i have a choice? We have 3 kids who still needs his support…we move in the same circle of friends because of our profession, … I must learn to treat him as a friend and feel nothing as a wife… And I believe if I set my mind to it .. IT WILL BE SO. It will probably be harder but IT WILL BE DONE!!! and when iam sooooo determined … SO IT IS…

  • patricia

    Yes, I’ve done all those things plus I slapped him in front of his new girlfriend. Now I regret it. I felt as if my animal instinct went into full gear. I apologized to the girl (i don’t blame her), i told her that i had nothing against her just him.
    I lost my dignity, i felt humiliated and I so regret it because he was not worth my time.

  • patricia

    @RLee –
    I was in a similar situation

  • Abbie

    I have made 5 of the 6 mistakes in the past 3 months since my boyfriend broke up with me, although the not making contact is impossible because we are in school together, and we have classes together, and are also involved in student council together. I was recently tempted to do the whole getting his best friend involved, and explain to him how much I cared about his friend…I was advised other wise by a friend though and didn’t, and after I got over the idea of doing it, I was so glad I hadn’t! The hardest thing though is seeing him everyday, having to talk to him, I can’t put behind what we had, which gives me an excuse to hold on, and I try convince myself he still has feelings for me thats why, he acts awkward and makes no effort to approach me unless he has to, which I know should make the no contact thing easier, but it doesn’t becaue he is right there in front of me, if he wasn’t around I could understand not talking…but we’re in the same room!..it makes it 10x more painful, and most recently he has a new thing with a girl which is even harder because I have to see it everyday, he is has moved on, while I pathetically hope that he will come back, and regret his choice….the one mistake I haven’t made is rebounding because I don’t want anyone else.

  • stronger ;)

    #3 and #4 – committed and regretted because they almost resulted in #5….

    Although I was in the role of the “Dumper”, as Eddie writes, I felt completely lacking a support base after I initiated the breakup. I thought, quite naively, that me and my ex can remain just friends, and I could still have him save me from any obstacle I faced. Definitely not the right logic, because, as many of us know, there is no free lunch…Keeping contact quickly got us in each other’s arms again, which resulted in a lot of frustration for both – it felt like we had made one step forward and three steps back. I can only say that there is nothing better than the No Contact rule, yet I know it is the hardest one to follow.

  • Sylvie

    I’m afraid to say I’ve done all of these things. Beaten myself up about what I did wrong, professed my mistakes and my undying love etc etc, and eventually agreed to remain friends and ‘be there if he needed be’. Thinking back very pathetic. we’d been together 16 years. Of course, the inevitable happened and over the course of the new 2 years we got back together, split up, back together … you know the drill. But he would always leave me. He even got someone else pregnant (twice) and ended up proposing to someone he’d met after only one month. My ex had battered my self confidence to the point where I had no self worth, no self esteem and, because I kept in contact with him, I kept allowing him to use me as his ‘fall back option’, not realising the effect it was having on me. So, I woke up, dusted myself off, determined to find someone worthy and deserving of my love and attention. And wonder why I wasted so much time and energy. And the no contact rule is the only way to go now, as no matter how many phone calls and texts I get, I don’t respond to them. I’m moving on, even if he isn’t or never will.

  • Quinn

    I started dating my ex boyfriend when I was 19 and he was 46. I guess because I never had a father figure in my life I ended up in this relationship. The first year was great and I really thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. Then I found out he was going on internet sex sites but he claimed he was only having online sex with these girls. Finally in the third year I dumped him but I was not ready for no contact because he was so helpful in everyday activites, like fixing things around the apartment, oil changes and other stuff (I’m kind of a girly-girl) that he was good at and basically I thought it we be ok. I tried dating other guys my own age but I alwyas hurt them, they were never good enough. I also would check my ex’s email and followed who he was hooking up with online incuding some prostitutes and I started sufering from low self esteem. I would ask myself why would he pay for sex, was I not good enough. Finally, the last straw was a couple of months ago when he started dating this 22 year old girl(I’m 26 now) and I couldn’t handle it. It felt like the ultimate rejection especailly when he said she was a wild woman in bed and etc. He told me he loves her and at first I tried to be cool about it but one night I got drunk and went to his place cussed him and the girl out and cut myself with a knife. That was the wakeup call for me. The following day I felt so embarassed, I crossed a line. I apologized to him and the girl. Now there is no contact and even though it hurts I know now this is the right thing. I realize now that I can fix things around the house myself and that I was not in love with him I was obssessed with trying to achieve the family-normalcy I lacked in childhood through a relationship with him. Big no-no. Wish me luck.

  • Sachao

    also made some of them…no contact is just almost impossible when you are going to the same uni, going to the same bars and sharing some friends…

    furthermore, he would like to stay friends…and i think he wants to stay friends to ‘have me close’ when he comes to realize that his new relationship is a total facade where he jumped into to forget about me. I will not lend myself for this, i vowed to myself i would never become his ‘comfort’.

    as Madonna sang “freedom comes when you learn to let go, freedom comes when you learn to say no”…

    i’m not completely there yet, but on my way :)

  • Terri

    NO CONTACT!!!! I think that this is the hardest rule to apply to a break up, but it is absolutely effective. I tried it and it works. It has been 19 days since I talked to my ex and over 3 weeks since I allowed him to see me. And yes, i know this may seem like little to no progress, but oh what JOY AND PLEASURE I get out off ignoring his many calls. Lol. Now, I have the power and I am loving every minute of it. Girls, there is one thing I am for sure about…. Once you completely separate your heart from a LOSER, you’ll never go back, but they’ll always come back to you, TRUST ME!! So women, you need to recognize that you have what men NEEDS TO SURVIVE (we all know what I’m talking about), and its up to you, to take advantage of your power and USE IT BEFORE YOU LOSE IT!!!!

    • Tatiana

      you are so right!!

  • Karla

    I recently got broken up with on monday after dating the guy for three months :( . He had the gutts to break up with me via email and we talked for about five mins afterwards. I am to pick up my stuff from his place tomorrow and I want to avoid all of the mistake listed above.. even though I have the urge to make a few such as try to get him back (no worries I will not its just the urge to do it) and

    Here is a little bit of background:

    He is a 30yr old man (looks 25 has awesome body) and Im a 22 yr Anyways We started dating right when i turned 22 He was such a gentlemen so attentive and just wonderful in every aspect for the first couple of weeks. I didn’t want to date him at that time becuase I was actually interested in someone else, but he knew his game and got me within a few days. I entered the relationship thinking that it would be someone to spend time with and saw no future in the relationship (of course I did not tell him that) He introduce me to his family and we would spend almost 80% of our times together I would stay with him every single weekend and sometimes even during the week. He started to become distant a month into the relationship.. I tried to be understanding and was extremely supportive because I knew he was going through a hard with work. money, and family. He continued to be distant but polite and we still saw each other very often. I thought ok he is just under a lot of stress and I can’t bring up his attitude towards me and bring more stress to his life, so I didn’t. Now on monday I didn’t see him becuase i had school so I called him to say good night and what I get is “i sent you and email,” I asked what about and his reponse was “about Us, you can read it and we can talk after you read it” I read the email and was shocked. He had just broken up with me via email WTF.. He was very polite in the email and admitted that I was the nicest person and no one could do half of the things i did for him, but that he was under alot of stress and couldn’t be in a relationship at the moment. He said that he would regret the decision, but that he knew also that it was best for both of us because it wasn’t fair for me to keep putting up with him until things got better. he said he also didn’t believe in breaks, but he would love to stay in touch and see me because i was a very very kind person..

    Im so upset I even got sick and can’t stop thinking about how he couldn’t done it via email. Also because of him I will now lose most of my friends given that we were in the same group and they are all and obviously will support him because they are of the same culture :( .. I am so MAD..I cried all day Tuesday and im just very depressed, But I don’t understand why since I don’t love him, but wanted to keep seeing him for a couple of more months because it was so much Fun being with him and his friends, it was a distraction from all of the other things going on in my life. I feel so mad, outrage for him doing this to me… It really smashed my self esteem… Im experiencing stomach and head aches…. I want this to be over ASAP. OMG is horrible being dumped.. Any advice on how to get better would be greatly appreciate…

    I have written a response to his email which I plan on reading it to him (not sending it at all) since we said we would talk more when I picked up my stuff. In the response I make no effort on getting him back or anything but I just do let him know that I don’t buy the reason for the break up since I have been nothing but a great support to him. But that I respect his decision and that just like he doesn’t believe in break ups I don’t believe in staying friends because is not healthy for either of us (Im trying to follow the no contact rule so that the healing is faster). I sound pretty confident in the letter, but I am afraid that when I see him I will break down and make an attempt to get him back.

    I am so glad to have found this website it helps sharing how I feel. Now I just need some advice or comments on how some of you avoided making the mistakes above.

    OMG I do want him back…But I also know that if he decided to end it… then he has no intention of staying with me and I shouldn’t put myself through the shame of begging if I know he won’t give us another chance. OH I just want to cry and scream out loud….This is horrible PAIN and I want it to go away please help…

    • tracey

      Karla please hang in there. The ”no contact” rule has to start from now. I should talk though, I just sent an email and texts to my ex. It was to clear any misunderstandings and also to apologise for the way I behaved. But I’ve done it and now im starting the ”no contact” rule. It will be hard but if it helps me get over the pain quicker then i’m going to give it a bloody good try ..

  • Karla

    Thank you Tracey for your comment… I’ll keep you posted on how it went. I talked to him yesterday for 1.27mins just to tell him the time I would be picking up my stuff nothing else. He said it worked unless he got called into work, which I hope he doesn’t because I seriously want to do this so that I may move on. I was very firm on the phone but dying inside :( I went to the gym and try not to think about it, but I did :(

  • blark

    Except of course if you break up to end a dysfunctional relationship but both people want to work it out. Some break ups are not final break ups but the end of the dysfunction. However if you are in this boat and your partner doesn’t truly want to work on it with you, then you need to go through a final break up. We all know of couples that break up and get back together and remain together. It might take a number of tries too. Thats fine as long as both people want to try. But when you have a true incompatibility which includes not wanting to try, then it has to be over for good. I don’t prescribe to the “cold turkey” cut off unless you know for sure the relationship is final. The way you find out is to communicate with your ex, whether you broke up with them or v.v., and see if they are interested to work it out. if not, you have to move on. if they do, and they seem sincere and willing and able and are able to commit to it, then you can decide to try it, perhaps with a counsellor.

    • bella

      My boyfriend broke up with me 2 months ago. We were together for a year, it was the first relationship for both of us. We were really good together in many ways, sharing interests, values, humour etc. But I had always suffered from low self-esteem and anxiety. It affected our relationship alot. At first he was optimistic about it, believing he could “fix” me. I wanted to believe him, but after a few months it became clear to me and him that it doesn’t work that way. I had to do the work myself. After years of self destructive thinking I had a long process in front of me. Yet he stayed by my side for several months more. Then as I was feeling better, the anxiety was getting more and more rare, he broke up with me. I guess it had been too much for him, he had never dared to tell me how hard it was for him. So he felt tired and unsure if he loved me anymore.
      It was horrible, but I wasn’t giving up on myself or us. I wanted to get better. I followed many of the advice from this site, and it helped. First we didn’t have any contact but then he called me. After a month we got back together. I thought we had both learned from our mistakes so the past wouldn’t matter anymore. But I couldn’t stop being afraid. Scared to fall back in old ways, scared to lose him again. And I suppose it was a self-prophecy which came true. I was so scared I came off as not trusting him and he was really hurt by that. So one week ago he broke it off again. Saying he cares for me and that he isn’t sure what will happen in the future, that we might be a couple again, but that we can’t for now. We decided not to be in any contact for 2 weeks.
      I’m really hurting for I know if we had met under different circumstances, if only I hadn’t been in that bad place, I believe we would have been perfect for each other. I still believe we could be. So I’m not sure I can follow the no contact-rule. But I’m still thinking maybe I should, because all the advice says so. I know it would hurt me deeply if I learn he’s moved on. I can’t be friends with him, pretending I don’t have feelings for him. I know that would be awful. So I’m wondering what I should do. Is it worth waiting? Can it work, even though we’ve already tried twice and failed?

  • ashley

    Me and my boyfriend broke up excalty 1 week ago.
    We have broken up several times in the past and gotten back together. I went 5 days and then I started calling him and he didn’t answer. I finally got to talk to him when I droped by his place. He said that he still loves me but isn’t in love with me enough to be with me right now. He said he needed to fix himself. Which he has some issuse. He said he needed his space and I was being pushy about it. I really didn’t give him too much space so he broke up with me. He said that he loved me but he said that he was falling out of love with me, but he still wanted to be bestfriends. but he isn’t ready right now to hangout and just be friends. I don’t want to just be his friend. I mean we have been together for 3 years I love him. He said he needed time to get over me before we could hangout. Do you think that he could possibly want to make this work later or him saying he wants to be friends is it?

    .His friends also told me that if I just leave him alone and let him do his own thing for a while that he would begin to miss me. I think that ive screwed that up already.I was also too available for him. I can be with him 24-7 and be good and content. He needs his space and time with his friends. I decided today that I’m not going to call or txt him anymore. I also told him that I couldn’t be his friend. I made the mistake to send him a txt saying that I hated him and that have a good life without me. what to do?!?!?!?!

  • blark

    to ashley. first follow your heart, which you did. but if your ex wants time away from you, you should stay away as hard as that might be to do. but there is that grey area where an ex wants you around but doesnt want to get back together. that requires more self honesty. if you feel you’d be ok with that then do it as long as you are comfortable. but if you cant do it or its hurting you, as youve said it does, then although its awful you should stay away. as for the txt you sent, send him another one that just says you are sorry, you were feeling hurt, and its ok to tell him you love him and with him the best and you respect his need to be alone.

  • blark

    @Karla -
    hi karla. if you dont mind me saying, and this is just something to think about, but maybe you placed him in too high an esteem to make up for some of your own missing self esteem. this can really make a
    person feel empty and like some part of them has been taken away. especially if you didnt love him. if thats it then you could consider digging a little deeper into yourself and look for the places that make you feel hurt and look at how can love those parts of yourself.

  • blark

    @Quinn -
    hi quinn. thats quite a story. but i think you know that the challenges for you lie in your own self esteem. use the net to fin resources on loving yourself and speaking with a councelor might help too. its hard to love someone else when you dont love yourself and we all suffer from a lack of self love around certain aspects of ourselves. its those aspects that appear as holes in our ability to love someone else

  • Jay

    As I commented on another thread, I got brutally broken up with, I think, on Friday. I called Friday/Saturday. Mostly cause the text message (seriously, who breaks up via txt message?) wasn’t clear if we were broken up.

    I got a txt Saturday night saying she “needed space”. So, as hard as it is, I haven’t responded since then. Female friends have said she coudl actually need space and need to see I can be strong/happy without her.

    At this point I’ve decided to give her until Thursday night, 1 week. If she hasn’t responded by then, the relationship’s over. If she wants to try again… Dunno. We’re both just going through divorces, so maybe time is a good thing all around.

    We work in the same industry, so no contact won’t happen, but we can keep it to a minimum until I can look at her picture and not want her/ be sad.

  • Movingon

    Guilty as charged!!! Was with my ex for nearly a year. Not long after we met (5 weeks) he got a job offer to work interstate (about 5 hours drive away) This gave him the opportunity to clear some debts and put some money in the bank. Even though his contract was for approx. 1 year, we decided that we wanted to further our relationship and that we would try long distance. Everything was going along nicely although towards the end of his contract he was a bit nervous coming back to possibly having to take a lesser paying job. A few weeks before he was due to come back, I received a call from him basically ‘warning’ me that he might be getting a job offer to work away somewhere else for 2-4 years. He told me that he would call me to let me know in a few days (I think he knew all along). In the meantime, I was left in limbo. Got a call from him while I was on the way to the hairdressers a few days later telling me that he had accepted the job offer. His reason for accepting the offer was ‘Don’t know if I can live with you or your son’ (from a previous relationship), ‘this is the same reason why my marriage broke up’ (was not mentioned previously), ” this is what I do for a living. This is a step up in my career’. Well, of course I was extremely hurt and in shock. Oh, he did mention that he enjoyed the times we spent together. Of course he did. The work that he was doing was hard work, 10 hours a day, 7 days a week at times. So his time with me was an escape from his dull life away. Anyway, a few days later I sent him a text message as I did not want to disturb him during work asking ‘if I had the opportunity to join you, would you want me to?’. His response, ‘don’t really have an answer to that question, too many unkowns’…in other words NO. I responded by saying that I felt used and that he kept me around until something better came along. That I had basically put my life on hold for 1 year believing that everything was going to work out. No response from him. A few days later after I cooled down, I sent him an email apologising for accusing him of using me as I did not believe that was so. I mentioned that it was hard as I did not get a chance to put my thoughts and feelings across to him as the break up happened over the phone etc. I finished it off nicely by wishing him well and that I now had closure. (or so I thought). No repsonse. No thanks for the email, no confirmation that he received it. So I left it, all the time wondering if he got it? Could not contain myself, so 4 weeks later I had to call to find out. His response ‘yeah, thanks for that, I appreciated it, I just thought i’d leave it that’. I mentioned AGAIN that I was sorry for the text message and that there were no hard feelings. NO HARD FEELINGS? Since I have never been ‘dumped’ before, little did I know that there were still a whole lot of feelings lurking around ready to rear their ugly heads. In hindsight, I should of asked him to be a man and make the effort to break it off in person so I could get everything off my chest and walk away knowing that everything that needed to be said had been said. A final goodbye if you will. But silly me thought I was fine and that I could deal with it. Come 6 weeks later (two and a half months after the break up), I could not take it anymore. I needed to get face to face closure. So, I sent him an email not pleading, just requesting (or maybe demanding, in his eyes) thinking that if he cared about my feelings he would oblige. I made it perfectly clear that I had no other ulterior motive. I just needed to do it for me. Nope, silly me again. He basically told me that I had to find my own closure. Well, there went my dignity! I do regret sending the last email in one way, but I also know that if I did not send it, I would have regretted not sending it as well. Although it made me feel rejected once again, it also made me realise that he obviously does not care, or understand how all this has affected me. So in reality, I do need to find my own closure and it all starts with ACCEPTANCE. Accepting that what has happened, has happened and I cannot go back and change things that I have said etc. The only way to do it is to move forward. Put all that in the past. Take everything that I have learnt into the next chapter of my life so If I ever have to go through this again (god forbid!), I will know exactly how to handle it.

  • Sachao

    Movingon, i know exactly how important closure is. It must be so hard that your ex did not even took the effort to reply to your emails. I admire how you say the only thing you can do is look forward. I know how hard it is if someone breaks up with you over the phone when someone is abroad. My ex broke up with my while I was studying 5 months in France. 6 Weeks after I left, he broke up with me. For me, closure was really hard, since the break up was over the phone. It is exactly what you say, you have no chance to really commmunicate or express YOUR thoughts. I had no contact with my ex until I got back from France and then sent him an email to ask for a ‘talk’, since there were still some things to say. I went there, head up in the air, pretending like I was strong (which I wasnt). I took control over the conversation, told him everything that had bothered me about the break up in a strong, clear manner. He had a chance to defeat himself, I gave him that. But he didnt. He admitted the things I stated, and for me, that was closure. He did not admitted it just for me, I saw that he meant it. For me, it was closure. suddenly, I saw my ex as a loser who was immature and could not handle difficult things (i.e. me in another country). I felt so strong afterwards, I kept my dignity during the conversation, showing once more that I was the strongest one.

    I am so sorry that you have to do this completely on you own, but you are strong. The fact that you realize all of it, is already a big step, since some people do not want to get better, do not want to get help. Stay strong. It’s no use for you now; but it will all get better. And even if this is advice from a 19 year old girl, I’ve been there. He was my first love, and I fell apart afterwards. Now, I am revcovered and loving life to the full, suddenly seeing all my ex’s shortcomings.

    Good luck and keep up the good spirit.

  • Chris

    Well, first of all I’m gay, but I feel just the same as everyone here.

    I met this guy who I thought was great. It took me 3 years to find a guy I thought was everything I wanted: creative, spiritual, sincere, intellectual, deep. I thought this guy was a gift, an answer to my prayers. We dated 3 months but he had to move, because he had already made plans to move out to California before we met. So we had a great 3 months and a painful but not bitter ending. Well, I just couldn’t let him go. I offered a long distance relationship, that was shot down. I offered to move over there and he told me he didn’t know what he wanted anymore. That hurt me a lot and I thought it should just be over. He was training for his job over the country for the summer and we didn’t really stay in touch. I tried staying in touch because I thought he genuinely cared for me, but would often be ignored in my emails, txts and calls. It was a really tough summer, a roller coaster ride of emotions and questions about it all. I genuinely fell for this guy. But I was finally starting to move on when he starts texting me the last month of the summer. He kept friendly contact, but that was all. I took this as a sign of him being interested still and decided to make a move all the way to California to see if things could work out (also to finish school).

    Well, I came out here and for 3 wks nothing much happened with him, we went out dancing, had some drinks. It was going well, he would give me a hug and a kiss and thank me for a great night. About a week ago, I just decided to ask if he still cared and he said he did and that we should talk about it in person. The next day we go out and have a few beers, etc. We have a long talk about everything that happened, he said he was just scared to get hurt again, etc. etc. I was overjoyed, I finally thought that I had the answer I wanted to hear, the person whom I love really DOES love me and they were just afraid of getting hurt like I was. He asks me to spend the night and I do, we don’t have sex, just cuddle all night. When I held him I told him that I loved him and he said he loved me.

    Well, over the next few days I didn’t hear from him at all really. I knew something was up, so I was just honest and had to txt (he wouldn’t call me back) that if he didn’t care for me like I care for him just be honest with me, because I needed closure and that if he didn’t love me like I love him, just let me go so I can find someone who will. That life was too short to be wasting time on bs and games. He responded that he didn’t think we should be together, that “we were in two different places” (don’t know what the hell that means) and that he loved me, but he wasn’t in love. Thats all I needed to FINALLY get my closure, after all these months. I responded that we couldn’t keep any communication anymore, that I just needed time to forget about him. I then proceeded to delete him from my phone and facebook (hadn’t done that yet).

    So here I am, feeling like a fool, feeling like I lost the person I loved and wanted to be with for my life and the pain sometimes just seems suffocating. Love seems like a joke now…like all the stuff I felt and thought was just a big painful illusion. It seems like I’ll never love again and I don’t want to open my heart again. I still love him but I know he doesn’t feel the same way. Its hard to love someone for all the right reasons and have them just not care. I try to be positive, but its hard.

  • Brit

    My ex broke things off with my about 2 months ago. For about the next month there was no contact. Until one night he texted me saying something about how we were still supposed to be friends and all. And for the last month we have hung out and we text all the time. Thing is, I’m still not over him. Sometimes I think he still feels the same about me, and then others I remind myself he doesn’t. But I’m not sure either way. The night we broke up he said that he wasn’t sure what he wanted. Like he needed to figure his life out or something? And I can understand that. But he also said maybe in a few months we would be able to get back together again. At the same time saying we would be really good friends. So here I am, wondering what he is thinking, but I don’t want to ruin the new friendship by telling him how I feel. I’ve thought about starting the no contact thing again, but I don’t want him to forget about me….

    • Ally

      Hey I know exactly how you are feel, my ex boyfriend who I fell in love with mostly over the summer even thought we dated for 6 months dumped me via text 3 days after he left for college.. After promising me that I was the only one he ever wanted to be with and there was no better girl then me. I was shocked be he said he wanted to “take a break” but we would def get back together he just needed time to figure out what he wants.. Well this made me want to keep in contact with him because after all we made a pact wed be best friends forever no matter what happend between us. Well id go on facebook nd see all these pics of him nd tons of girls from college.. And for some reason I told myself oh well he still loves me when he clearly didn’t.. My point is sometimes we lie to ourselves and listen to the things we wanna believe just because the truth hurts more..but if we can overcome our hurt feelings and try and move on even though we don’t really want to eventually it will happen… I stopped talking to him because even though hell always be in my heart I can’t deal with depression and I’m only 16 and still in highschool.. And no matter the age you are lifes going to pass you by if you waste it on negative feelings.. There are people out there who want to give you the time but until you find them you gotta keep yourslef busy and stay true to yourselff cause in the end its your life and if your unhappy its up to you to change it. My mom really has helped me get through this because she has similair stories.. Just find someone you can talk to.. And I promise you everything will get better

      From,
      Ally

  • Michele

    I haven’t made any of these mistakes, but I think I am making even bigger ones. I am systematically blaming myself for everything that went wrong in the relationship. He broke up with me citing that he loves me, but is not in love with me anymore, amongst other gems. I have no closure. So, I blame me for everything. I can’t stop. I am treating myself so badly, like I somehow deserved this.

  • Chris

    @Brit –

    Brit,

    I had to learn this the hard way…honestly, if he cares, let him come back to you. Break off all contact with him, let him miss you. If he wants to be with you that much, he will make the effort to make it happen. Otherwise your just lining yourself up for more heartache. Don’t waste time on someone who “isn’t sure what they want” I’m sorry to say, thats just another way of saying he’s not sure you are the one. Find someone whom loves you the way you WANT and KNOW you deserve to be loved. Cut him out of your life. I know its painful, but its saving you an extended heartache and waste of time. YOU CANNOT be a good friend to him right now and you know it. You love him and want him back, but he’s “confused” which means he just wants you for a backup or is not ready to commit…in any case he doesn’t want a serious relationship with you right now. If he wants you, he will come back with his answer. Make him want it, love is not a one way street. If its meant to be, it will be. Don’t waste months on a maybe. I made that mistake and it just delayed the pain I didn’t want to feel.

    Peace,

    Chris

  • Debbie

    I am in a long distance relationship of sorts. He lives in California and I live in Florida..we are both established in our lives. He has grandchildren that he says he cannot leave that they need. Never fail about every six months or so he will absolutely have no contact with me whatsoever. I will text him, call him, etc and he will totally ignore me, then out of the blue he will call and act like nothing has happened….he always reverts back to the same thing – I can not leave my grand kids, they need me….We have been doing this dance for about 2 years…when he first started doing the whole not talking routine it would totally hurt me to no end, know it just like wonder how long this time. I will the last time it happened couple weeks ago, we are both different. I do not know if I can continue on this roller coaster ride. I do not believe he is seeing anyone else, I just think he is scared to move. Do I continue or dump him?? Since it has been long distance, I have been able to open up to him like I have never done with anyone before and I do not know if I can honestly tell him I do not want to talk to him anymore.

  • Lee

    No matter how or who breaks up the relationship, it’s not ever going to be an easy process. Time heals most wounds & heartbreaks, as long as you stay strong, stay true to yourself, have faith. Be creative & learn to let go. Love is love, try not to blame your ex for how they have broken up with you. It’s all part of the matting game of living to love. Now learn to forgive your self, mistakes will happen and guilt will take a hold of you, besides you’ve just bn dumped! Or if your the dumper. Have respect & understanding, if possible & accept it’s over. Just remember it takes patience to move on. Focus and learn to like the disowned you again and again… Your moving forward without your ex now. No matter what’s changed, it won’t help you to try to contact an ex!!! My message to all the broken hearts to come, learn to like and love your self. Always. (Peace and love, to all). Including my ex for dumping me. Thanks… for I have & still am learning much, about myself, and could not of done so…without
    my heart break. Long live a broken heart, for we have much to say and learn.
    Lol. Love always ;-)

  • L

    I’ve wanted #3, done #4 (but only twice) and wanted #6 but knew already that I couldn’t do it. I compared my friends and to him and even they didn’t measure up. I am going on 3 months Nov. 4

    @Celia –

    Only reading yours I feel bad. Couldn’t imagine myself there cause now you have to deliberately ignore or stay away from him.

    @Loreny –

    Same here time seems to snail by.

    @Loreny –

    Same here time seems to snail by.

  • Lee

    The central concern is your happiness and not that of the person you love. Yet if you do love them, than their happiness is of the greatest importance, even if it means you must deny yourself happiness, in order to allow their happiness. What greater gift could you give and what greater love could you show than to put their happiness above yours? You don’t have to ever stop loving the significant people in your life, but do yourself a favor and find someone who loves you as much as the person you love. LOL. That is why I like coming here, and frankly, this place has probably helped me heal more than I could ever give it credit for. So many different people…so much in common.

  • SS

    So far only #2 and I wish I could take it back. I sent an email and a letter, and it didn’t do anything except make me feel pathetic. She just moved along and started seeing another guy, and now wants to be friends. No way. Thanks to everyone for posting and sharing.

  • CCS

    You are so right…………
    I’ve loved this woman for 18 years and didn’t see her for 13 of those. We dated for 6 month when we were young, her 16 and myself 18, we even lived together with her parents the majority of that time. We were forced to separate when her parents caught us going at it. I had to move 4 hours away from her we tried to stay together, she even wanted to run away with me but I would not have it she was still in school and I didn’t want her to quit. She moved on shortly after our separation, but I never really did I had some relationships but could never rid my mind of her I became a bit of a stalker you might say; drove to try and see her, waited outside her work place, I even went to see her when I was taking a current girlfriend to tour a college campus…. campus just happened to be in the same city as she was, I called her parents house during Holidays thinking she should be home visiting, when the Internet became available to me I searched for her there as well. these thing took place over 13 years and on occasion I would get through to her but she had little interest, maybe a 10 min. phone conversation. Years would go by between my attempts to get her in my life.
    Then comes Myspace I found her profile and sent a message, she was in a relationship and responded a little rude and I responded a little bit more rude. A couple of months went by and guess what, she sent me a message. She was newly single and I finally got her back in my life.
    We’ve been together for the last 4 years her, her son, and myself. It has been amazing yet here I am trying to get over her once more. I never felt as though I got over her the first time around and I have already made so many of the mistakes that are discussed here, but I’m trying not to make any more.
    I don’t want to spend any more time trying to be a part of this amazing womans life, I just want us to both be happy……..

  • Diana

    I have done most of them in the last month. My husband told me he wants a divorce when he gets back from a year-long tour in Afghanistan. The last two months of his training, I was sending him loving letters, card and care packages. He was a bit distant but would leave loving messages here and there. When he came to say goodbye at the end of training (and before getting on plane to go to war) he admitted to having an affair with a married soldier (who is also on her way to Afghanistan). He didn’t really apologize because he said it should tell me something. We have been together 5 years, married 3. Only problem is we are still married and I have to take care of all of our finances while he’s gone. There has to be some communication involved, but I pathetically have been sending him emails letting him know that although I accept how he feels, I still love and care for him. :( He asked me to not send cards, letters or care packages. And although he treated me horribly, I feel so guilty for not doing these things. He is in a bad and dangerous place. He gets back in October of next year. Anyway, my friends and family tell me to resist the urge to send him anything. He must really not love me, because he’d rather make his situation worse, than acccept love from his wife. He’s not promised tomorrow! Anyway, I will have to respect his wishes and not send anything, and I have to try and get over this before he gets back. It’s just a tough place to be because I am trying to get over this man, have no feelings for him, all with the thought of what if he dies over there? Will I regret not being there for him? Anyway, this breakup is one of the toughest things I’ve had to go through. :(

  • Kate

    My boyfriend broke up with me today. I suppose it was a few days ago, but we said we’d try to ‘work things out’ however I think that was just his fear of hurting me too badly and my fear of letting him go.
    Basically, he fell out of love with me. We met over the internet in July ’08, not on a dating website or anything… he just contacted me because he liked my photography and we started talking on msn. He was in the UK and I was in Australia, I didn’t even consider the possibility of us hooking up. We started talking more and more, and then one day admitted that we fancied eachother. A few weeks later, conveniently enough, my dad announes that he’s getting a job transfer to the UK in Jan ’09, and we could all go with him, haha. I thought it was a great opportunity – I didn’t want to stay in Australia all my life and I was about to finish my HSC so it seemed perfect. The fact that Andy was there made it all the more appealing. Before I moved, we gradually fell in love (my first love haha and before that I didn’t even quite believe it was possible for me). We wanted to be together so badly it was insane. The first day that we met we were just like how we both knew we would be, except I was extremely shy (although I’d given him prior warning of this). Regardless, we ended up kissing by the end of that first day and were ‘together’ ever since. We met up regularly, he spent hundreds of pounds on visiting me when he could and we spent so much time together. I used to go to his place in the country and stay there for a week at a time. We had so much fun together. We did have the occassional argument but we never broke up and when all was sorted out our relationship seemed even better than before. I persuaded him to go to university, he’s been too scared to do it himself and I gave him the courage – I was moving to Brighton and he decided to go to Sussex Uni and move down there with me. Since we both started working we became incredibly busy and quite stressed. We had less and less time to spend together and when we were together we didn’t do much. We both became really irritable but I always thought that eventually things would sort themselves out – we’d get used to our hectic schedules and everything would be okay. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case for him. Over the past few weeks we’d been getting less and less affectionate and I could sense that he didn’t feel at least the same as he used to. We were hugging one day and I could… sense the lack of love, haha. So I just asked him – do you still love me? He didn’t answer, he just started crying and telling me he was sorry. We had a bit of a chat and a cry, and basically just agreed to try to work things out – but I don’t think he really meant it. The day afterwards we spent the whole day together and we were all happy and stuff but… it wasn’t the same. The fact that I knew he didn’t love me anymore meant that I couldn’t act the same around him as I did before, and he didn’t act quite the same around me. We still cuddled and stuff but I was scared he was just doing it because he felt sorry for me. Yesterday I barely saw him and he got home really late. There was no closeness at all when he did get home, and neither of us could sleep. We were friendly enough this morning but I couldn’t stop crying – I think from last night I knew it was over. We went for a walk and had a big talk about everything, and we agreed to stay friends. I know that breaks the ‘no-contact’ rule but… we live together at the moment so… yeah. Haha. We were best friends, I’ve never been so close to anyone. The idea of completely breaking away from him is unbearable and I know he wants to stay friends with me. We’re going to a party together this Saturday, too. I know I’m not meant to stay friends with him but, I think its possible. I don’t think that I’ll continue to be hurt by him – if the friendship fails it will be because we’ve both changed (and we have, so much). We’ll just have to see what happens but I can’t just stop being friends with him.
    I’ve never, ever felt anything as emotionally painful as this. Yesterday night I considered suicide, but I regret even thinking that now. I know I just need to stay strong, but it is hard so far. It’s only been a few days (technically a day) but I just hope that this feeling won’t drag on for months.
    One of the worst things about it is that because I’m new to the country, and new to the city, I have no friends, really. I have acquaintainces (hence the party) but I haven’t really met anyone I’ve ‘clicked’ with. I have comfort from my friends in Australia via the internet but obviously that’s not the same as in real life. I plan on using this opportunity to begin, though. I used to be so sociable, and have such an ego haha, but not anymore. I’m determined to rebuild that, and I believe that I can. I’m just not quite prepared for the inevitable bouts of intense depression I’ll be getting over the next few weeks haha.

  • Jamie

    It’s only been 3 days for me… I dumped him only because I wanted to teach him he can be mean to me. He slept over 5 days ago, and I fell asleep during the Phillies game so I texted my friend to see what the score of the game was at 1am, and he woke up and accused me of being shady and texting a guy even though I showed him the text. He called me a scum bag, etc, then ignored me yet one again all night, my phone calls, text msgs, so I called him the next day and asked why he ignored me when I didn’t do nothing wrong, he said “he had nothing to say” so I told him I was done and sick of him hurting me… Reason I say that is because he has ignored me many many times when “he had nothing to say” even though I pleaded and I begged for a text or a call back. Anyway, he said he wouldn’t do it again, and he did, so thats why I ended it. He didn’t care, he didn’t try to fight for me back, call me, nothing, so that hurt even more. If he loved me, why was it so easy for him to let me go. So I couldn’t even wait 24 hours after I broke up with him before i texted him and called him. He ignored me again until yesterday morning, and I asked him why. He said I made the right decision by breaking up with him, and that he just thinks I’m shady, he doesn’t trust me, and he’s not happy because of that. I have never given him a reason not to trust me, so I don’t get it. Then he said he needed time to think, and thought we could use a break… I told him I’m not in high school anymore and I am not doing a break so he can go screw other girls. I told him I won’t text him or call him again, and he was like “OK”. I think I am hurting so bad because of how cold he was, and I want to text him or call him so bad but i would look so stupid if I did. I was only seeing him for 11 months, been serious for 4 months. I just don’t get how you go from loving someone one day, to “not being happy” the next… I am hurting so bad… It’s officially been 24 hrs since last contact… How do I prevent myself from not texting him again. I want to get over him, and just want the pain to go away.

  • Scott

    @Diana – I am so sorry. I went through a divorce several years ago and my ex-wife had an affair (I believe) with a friend of ours. You will heal in time.

    I have made all of these mistakes. I am crushed and humiliated. A lot of what you said however makes me feel better in that I know that I am not crazy just hurt. I don’t do well with break-ups. I think I am worse then the average person as I have a huge fear of abandonment. I guess I have always defined myself by others. What a loser I am – right?

  • Judy

    My ex bf and I were together for 3 yrs and it has been 8 months now since our split. It was the best for me and I see that now. It didn’t make it any easier, but I chose to take the high road for myself. So I tried to avoid any of the mistakes above. There has been very little contact with each other, but there was still things that needed to be settled between us. He went to visit a friend a few days after our split and unknown to me, he met a girl. He had emailed the next month to tell me he had to put his dog to sleep, so feeling his pain, I called to say how sorry I was for his loss. It was then, that I caught on to a few things that were said, I asked if there was someone else in his life and he told me the truth. Even though it broke my heart, I kept my cool, never got upset and as he attemped to explain himself, I stopped him and told him there was no explainations needed. I have remained the bigger person here and I refuse to allow him to see the pain he has caused me.
    I have always been very close to his family and have talked and visited them when they have asked me to visit,(but never spoke of him or what happened to anyone in his family) but recently I received a email from my ex and he spoke about his new gf (who after a month moved 700 miles to live with him) to me and even compared the two of us. He talked about things they did together, which is what we use to do together. I knew right then, that I have to stop all contact with him and his family. It still hurts. I have gone over and over in my mind how could he just go one within days of our break up like I never mattered? I realize that he is just that kind of person. That is the reason why I walked away when I did. There was no compromise in our relationship.I see now, that this relationship was very abusive mentally, but I loved him and didn’t see it. We had a lot of fun and got a long good, but I see now it was because I did everything he wanted. I see how very one sided our relationsip was. So why am I surprised he went on in a matter of days? It was always about what he wanted. He truly is not worth it. I know I deserve so much better. I have deleted the email he sent and will not reply to any of the questions he asked. Thank you for the article. I know in time the wounds will heal, I just have to completely cut the ties, don’t respond to any emails or phone calls and put the past 3 yrs behind me.
    Good luck to all of you…I know we all have a bright future ahead of us.

  • D

    Originally Posted By JudyMy ex bf and I were together for 3 yrs and it has been 8 months now since our split. It was the best for me and I see that now. It didn’t make it any easier, but I chose to take the high road for myself. So I tried to avoid any of the mistakes above. There has been very little contact with each other, but there was still things that needed to be settled between us. He went to visit a friend a few days after our split and unknown to me, he met a girl. He had emailed the next month to tell me he had to put his dog to sleep, so feeling his pain, I called to say how sorry I was for his loss. It was then, that I caught on to a few things that were said, I asked if there was someone else in his life and he told me the truth. Even though it broke my heart, I kept my cool, never got upset and as he attemped to explain himself, I stopped him and told him there was no explainations needed. I have remained the bigger person here and I refuse to allow him to see the pain he has caused me.
    I have always been very close to his family and have talked and visited them when they have asked me to visit,(but never spoke of him or what happened to anyone in his family) but recently I received a email from my ex and he spoke about his new gf (who after a month moved 700 miles to live with him) to me and even compared the two of us. He talked about things they did together, which is what we use to do together. I knew right then, that I have to stop all contact with him and his family. It still hurts. I have gone over and over in my mind how could he just go one within days of our break up like I never mattered? I realize that he is just that kind of person. That is the reason why I walked away when I did. There was no compromise in our relationship.I see now, that this relationship was very abusive mentally, but I loved him and didn’t see it. We had a lot of fun and got a long good, but I see now it was because I did everything he wanted. I see how very one sided our relationsip was. So why am I surprised he went on in a matter of days? It was always about what he wanted. He truly is not worth it. I know I deserve so much better. I have deleted the email he sent and will not reply to any of the questions he asked. Thank you for the article. I know in time the wounds will heal, I just have to completely cut the ties, don’t respond to any emails or phone calls and put the past 3 yrs behind me.
    Good luck to all of you…I know we all have a bright future ahead of us.

    Judy- Good for You!!!! You sound very stable and smart.

    Ok let’s see…since my ex 0f 18 months dumped me I have:

    1) had sex with him (more then once), one time to get back at his new GF (the one he cheated on me with) and the second third fourth times because i was dumb.
    2) started out blocking hi from phone and email but then unblocked him whichled to number 1.
    3) told his new GF EVERYTHING bad I could about him (all true) and then told her he and I were together every time we were.

    However…what he did to me POST BREAKUP:
    lied and told new gf that he had a restraining order against me so tehy could “finally be hapy again” whatever..he has been with her for 4 weeks at that point. He even produced a DOCUMENT. there is no order ..he is just psycho.

    lied and told new GF that he NEVER speaks to or see’s me when we had def. been in contact and had DEF. seen eaach other.

    Asked me to meet him out and then proceeded to call me a whore loudly in a bar/restaurant for an hour…he was totaly drunk/high on coke..which is nothing new. I left..he texted me calling me a whore 24 times in between calls asking m to come back.

    I found out that he had stolen my purse and its contents…one of which was my daiughters ipod…and GAVE THE IPOD TO NEW GF’S KID. She told me this..it has my pictures on it.

    I could go on but ya’ll get the pic. He’s psycho and I am jus stupid. Thank GOD I am almst completely over him. Still think about him..but WOW when I think of ALL the things he has done to me…DONE.

    @Karla –

    We all do…..its hard to get hem out of our heads even when we get to the stage of really hating them.

    @D –

    Oh and also….I went on her FB page and sort of..well posted things about her (she knew we were together when she cheated w him)….it was really bad and immature but you know what? It felt GOOD. They actualy DID break up and just recently got bk and he cheated on her w me…..he’s a slime ball.

    • Judy

      D- I am sorry to hear about all the garbage you have had to deal with. Hey…don’t beat yourself up about having contact with him, your human. Sounds like that man has some really bad issues and the new gf even more to put up with this knowing the truth.
      Time does heal all and I have to believe for both of us…a door closes to allow another to open to bigger and better things. It is the hurt that we all have to get over and it is very hard.
      I was married once and I didn’t hurt this much. I think in my case now though, there was more dissapointment in him than anythng. I finally started to realize the type of person he was, but I still loved him. That is my fault for staying for as long as I did. I know in his mind he was never wrong. It was always me, but don’t tell me when he is by himself, he don’t realize it. He is just a very insecure person and people like that have to blame others to make themselves feel better. Our last arugement was actually really stupid, but when I confronted him and stood up for myself is when all He$$ broke out. Then he got in my face and said some things that I know I shouldn’t type here. LOL That is when I knew I was done. The next morning I packed as much as I could and tried to get out before he got home, but I didn’t. He stood there and put me down and said some really awful things to me. I just shook my head and got in my car. He confirmed at that point, I was making the best decision for myself. But…he blamed me for our break up. LOL LOL I just said..Ok, I did then. LOL There was no getting any sense in this grown mans head. He was married twice before. He worked in CA, met his first wife and then they moved back to OH.She didn’t work, didn’t have friends or family here and then she ended up leaving him and going back to CA. He went back to CA for work and eventually met his second wife, they moved to Ohio, again she didn’t work, didn’t have friends and family and she eventually left him and moved back to CA. Then i came into the picture. I lived around 35 miles away. I worked, had my own place and family here. I was at this place most of the time, ran to work, ran to my parents house, ran to my house, and then back out the door to his place. While I was there, I did everything for him ect….So guess what…the girl he was with in a matter of days from me??? She lived in SC, like I said earlier, she moved to OH in a matter of a month of meeting him, she don’t work, don’t have family or friends here. So she has fell into his pattern. He didn’t want a girl like me that has a mind of her own, that can support herself, that has family and friends and obligations. He wanted to have complete control over me and do and say what he wants. I put up with it for as long as I could, but when I left, I still loved him. So that is where the hurt has come in…I don’t think I have ever had my heart broken like that or have been so completely disappointed in someone more in my life. I am not sure what he has told his family about me and why we split, but him being a victim, I am sure it was something good. Like I said earlier, I have been very close to his family, but we are drifting apart now. I don’t want to put any of them in a awkward position, so I hope they know they will always be in my heart and if not, there isn’t anything I can do about it. He had told me once online as he instant messaged me, that this new girl has a huge issue with me , so he can’t talk to me as much as he wants to. He is the one that contact me, not the other way around. I could careless what this women’s issue with me is about. They certainly didn’t care how I felt when they got to together a few days after we split. She had to know there was things that still needed to be settled between us. She felt good enough to be in his house with all of my stuff still there. She is the last person, I could careless about. I could tell her things like you told your ex’s new gf, but I think I am going to let this girl find out everything all by herself. LOL
      This one is a desperate one though. I know this man isn’t worth moving 700 miles to be with. He is her free ride, So god bless them both. They deserve each other. But I know him…I know he has regrets and that is probably where this email came in. He wants to hurt me. But he will never know how deep he really has. I am not a perfect person by any means, and I most certainly are not looking for the perfect man out there. But right now…I am enjoying myself, doing what I want to do, when i want to it and how I want to do it. I am not wanting to meet anymore that is more than a friend to me at this point in my life. Unfortunally, he has dragged his feet on just a few more things that has to be settled, so I can’t promise the no contact rule completely, but most certainly the most I can I will do. I just have to shake off his most recent comments to me, hold my head up and know…I am a better person than that. For any men that might be reading this…I don’t believe all men is like my ex. I just seem to be attracted to the wrong ones. LOL
      D- Hang in there. I bet before long we both can say, these men are distant memories of ours.

  • Judy

    Oh gezzzz…I just have to say something. I just read what I wrote back to you, and wow….does this whole thing sound disgusting. LOL
    Why in the world am I even upset or hurt about this man? I should be shouting from the roof tops…Whoo Hooo..I am free! LOL
    It is pretty ugly what I wrote, but it is the honest the god truth.
    I guess maybe this recent email to me is what stirred up all the emotions again, so I truly understand the no contact rule more than ever. Like I said…I am almost there. Just a few more things to clear up between us and we are done. I have gotten my things from his place, two car loads, and I didn’t even live with him full time. Plus we went to a lake house and I got a truck load from there. He didn’t even have pair of socks at my place, so you can see how one sided this relationship was.
    I was invited by mutral friends from the lake we went to please come visit, so being laid off right now…I went a few times, but only on Monday’s when I knew he wasn’t there. I wasn’t sure how I would feel seeing our old place, but actually as I drove by, I had to laugh. It wasn’t near as nice as it was when I was there. LOL That made me feel good. So I had nice visits with friends and again…no talk of him and his father took me for long boat rides.
    So wish me luck…I have all of my things and yes…If you knew me…I am a very giving person by nature, so I was very generous with what I left for him.
    Good luck all…Hopefully soon all of us will be shouting from the roof tops…WHoooHooo!! xxoo

  • Ally

    i made mistake 2,3,4 & 6. and after reading it i think i should have just listen to my mom. she told me just to completely put him outt of my life but i thought that by talking to him it would make everything better. then he kept leading me on while he was at college sending me texts saying i love you after we broke up and saying hell get back together when i realize now that it wasnt true. if he really cared he would have not broken up wit me in the first place.. but college is a tough time.. and it absolutly sucks for me cause im still in highschool. he made me lose my bestfriend and everything pretty much sucks for me now. im trying my hardest to move on but its so hard.

  • Movingon

    There is a point to this story! I had a pretty bad childhood, therefore I suffered with low self esteem and insecurity. I then got into an abusive marriage that lasted for nearly 15 years. My ex was verbally and physically abusive. I soon became an emotional wreck. I was always walking on egg shells and always relying on him to fix things and make me ‘happy’. Not long after I had my son I realised that things were not going to change. I did not want my son to grow up in an unhealthy environment therefore I decided that I had to leave and found that it was the best thing I did for myself and my son. Move forward to a few months earlier this year, the person that I was in a long distance relationship with was offered a job that would involve working around the country and possibly around the world. He decided that he wanted to take a different path in life so he broke it off. He gave his reasons as to why he came to the decision. He assured me that he did have very strong feelings for me and that there were no other reasons for his decision other than a step up in his career. All this happened over the phone as he was away at work yet he did not try and rush the conversation and he gave me plenty of time to ask questions. I was shattered and in shock. One minute he was coming back and the next minute I would never see him again. All my hopes and dreams for a future with him were now in tatters. Over the next few days and weeks I went through sadness, depression, despair, anger etc. I felt rejected and worthless. I proceeded to accuse him of using me, of not showing respect by breaking it off over the phone etc. I kept on going over and over in my head that maybe I did or said something wrong. That there had to be another reason as to why he did not choose me instead of the job. I drove myself sick with worry. I was then also dealing with the regret of accusing him of using me etc. as I knew that that was not the case. I also knew that had I asked for a face to face meeting at the start he would of agreed, yet all along I gave him the impression that I was okay with it. One minute I was telling him I had closure, the next I was blaming him for not giving me closure. By the end of it all, he got very frustrated and in no uncertain terms told me that it was up to me to find my own closure. I came to a stage where I knew I had to start looking into why I reacted the way I did. I found that because I had not fully dealt with the issues from my childhood and marriage, I took the break up personally. He just wanted to take another path in life yet I had convinced myself that he broke it off because of ‘me’. All the feelings of low self esteem and insecurities were still lurking around and they made their appearance again with this break up. Because of these feelings I completely blew things out of proportion. Once I realised this I started to look at the whole situation from a different perspective. I realised that I had to deal with my issues once and for all. By doing so I have since learnt some very valuable lessons. Lessons I know I would not have learnt had the break up not have happened. Yes, life does not always work out the way we plan at times. Regardless of how we are feeling, how the other person treats us and makes us feel, we have the choice to be miserable or happy, to retaliate or to let it go. Yes, the other peson might have done us wrong or hurt us but what really matters is how we deal with the situation. At times we might complain and feel sorry for ourselves because of the bad and sad situation we are in with our partners, friends, family or ex-partners etc. but no other person can make you happy, sad, depressed etc. We, ourselves, are responsible for our feelings and how we react to a situation. We can dwell and stew about how we’ve been hard done by and continue blaming the other person and play the victim or we can take responsibility for our own happiness and choose to move forward, find happiness within ourselves, not waste energy on negative thoughts and learn from our past mistakes. I now realise that no matter what I said or done, it was not going to change the situation. Poeple have a right to choose how they live their lives. You cannot try and keep someone in your life when all they want to do is move on with theirs. There are no guarantees in life. We waste too much time and energy living with regrets and thinking about the past, worrying about the future and forgetting to live in the moment. I am still learning but I can honestly say that I will most certainly know how to deal with any difficult situations in the future Peace, Hope an Love to all!

  • Movingon

    Oops! I did not mention at the start of my recent post that when I first posted in September, my emotions were still all over the place and I was only looking at things from my point of view. With my recent post, I was able to see things from both sides. Sorry about the confusion!

  • Judy

    Movingon, You sound very strong and you know what you want. I am happy for you. I know in my heart I will be there. I actually had some really great months this past summer. I have had to deal with a few set backs, but I know I will be at that place of peace very soon.
    I understand a lot of what you said in your post…It is our choice to live our life grieving or get on with it. I am choosing to go on with it.
    I want to be happy and one day find a healthy realationship.
    I had to be completley honest with myself and that I know that we loved each other very much, it wasn’t a healthy relationship for me. I seen it much earlier, but I stuck it out, so I will own that. As I sat here after our break, I honestly wasn’t sure if it was the man I was hurt about loosing or the life that I had known for the past 3 yrs. It was his house that I spent 90% at, his lake house that I spent every weekend at. Everything we did together is what he had done and I adapted to. So after our split, I sat here wondering…what do I do now? Thankfully, I have great family and friends. His choice of being with someone in a few day after our split, was his choice and if that is what he wants, then I have had to deal with it. Your right…he does have the choice to gone on whether it was within days or months. It just hurt that he had so little respect for me, and our relationship. I will say that things that were said and how I was treated, I did not deserve and I refuse to beleive that I did. That is my part to own. Like I mentioned in my first post, I have taken the high road with this, never showed how hurt I was, never said a negative word to him. I do feel better about myself by doing so. I don’t want to live with any regrets. I know I can hold my head high and keep true to myself and the type of person that I am.
    I will be honest and say…I was at a low point in my life at the time of our split. Within that last year prior to our split, I lost my mom, a brother and a week after our split, I lost my job I had for 15 yrs due to downsizing. So needless to say…I have had my fair share of loss recently. He was just one more loss in my life. I know he was a huge part of my life and It is ok to be sad, hurt ect..It was a loss, so I have grieved the loss of him and what I thought was my forever. I know I am only human and that is a human response.. I am over coming all of this, and I know I will be where your at. I am just giving myself sometime of adjustments. I believe the no contact rule is one the biggest rules out there. I am a firm believer in..Out of sight…Out of mind. There is just a few things yet to be completed and he is dragging his feet. I don’t want to even contact him about it. It sickens me to even contact him via email to discuss it. I just want all ties to be severed. Hopefully very soon they will be. Thank you for your post…It has helped. I just know that being alone right now is the best thing for me. I know in the future if I am liucky enough to meet someone else…It will be without baggage.

  • Movingon

    Judy, one of the biggest lessons I have learnt is that we are all human, we all make mistakes. After my recent break up I realised that I delayed the healing process by constantly beating myself up about the way I handled the break up. The most important part of my healing process was to forgive myself and to believe that everything happens for a reason. In order to truly move on and put the past behind you, you need to forgive yourself and if possible, forgive the other person. You do not necessarily have to contact him and tell him you forgive him. All you need to do is to forgive him in your heart. Easier said than done at times but it does make a huge difference. Too many people carry alot of anger and resentment which in turn keeps them in the past and prevents them from carrying on with their lives and letting someone else into their hearts. When we are in the midst of despair and heartache we get scared thinking that we will never get out of the ‘black hole’ and that we will never meet anyone else. This in turn creates more anxiety and panic which leads us to more irrational and negative thoughts! Forgiveness is key! The fact that my ex went away for work 5 weeks after we met made it extra hard when it ended because we did not even get a chance to find out whether we could of had a life together. We were still in the ‘honeymoon’ stage when things ended so I only got to see his good side. Therefore I did not have any ‘bad’ points to at least think “oh well, he did have some bad habits that bothered me etc. so I’m better off without him” All I could think about was the ‘what ifs’. The lost dream of a life together I suppose. However, I am getting through it by thinking that there is no reason why I can’t have that dream with someone else. I also have the added bonus taking all the lessons that I have learnt into my next relationship! You sound like a strong, smart and caring person. Why waste any more energy on someone who did not appreciate you. Life is too short. Give yourself to someone who deserves and appreciates you!

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