Have YOU Made These Mistakes After Your Relationship Break Up?

by Eddie Corbano

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Months, or even years after a relationship break up, we will fully realize the fatal mistakes we made right after it happened. Especially the panic controlled actions that made us appear as a different person – often we don’t recognize ourselves any more.

It can bring out the worst in us.

It usually happens that we hate ourselves later for the things we’ve done. This is understandable, but the wrong thing to do. Not only does it damage our self-esteem, which is urgently needed for the recovery, (what’s left of it), but it also destroys the new concept of self-love we are trying to build up.

Avoid these feelings by telling yourself that the past is the past, and concentrate on the NOW.

There is a famous quote where it says that one should learn from the mistakes OTHERS make and thereby avoid them.

On the other hand:

“The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.”
—John Powell

I believe that there are two kinds of mistakes: the kind that you can learn and evolve from, and the kind that should be avoided.

When it comes to post relationship break up mistakes, there are some which better be avoided. The following fall into that category.

Here are the main mistakes most people make right AFTER a relationship break up:

Mistake #1: Panic Controlled Actions

Confronted by what we think is the worst that can happen to us, we do anything to fight it off: we plead, we beg, cry in front of our Exes, harass, stalk, write e-mails, IMs, etc.

All these things will make you cringe when you later think about it.

I think that almost every “Dumpee” makes these mistakes – I don’t think that they are completely avoidable. These are desperate actions by our “animal” part of the brain, fighting for survival.

The sad thing is that they are completely useless. I’ve never heard that a “Dumper” came back after the “Dumpee” wrote them a gazillion e-mails begging to have mercy.

If you’ve made these mistakes, don’t beat yourself up over them. If you’re about to commit them, try to resist.

Mistake #2: Reassuring Love

We are committed to thinking that if they only KNEW how much we loved them, they would come back immediately, so we keep telling them – over and over again.

The only problem is, they KNOW. They’re breaking up anyway.

Breakups happen rarely because the “Dumper” thinks that they are not being loved. Constant reassurance only leads to humiliation.

Mistake #3: Hoping To Stay Friends

This is a very common mistake that is often made by those having little experience with relationship break ups.

I know that your Ex was your best friend, your intimate partner, the closest person to you. But it is impossible to maintain this kind of relationship AFTER the breakup. Everything has changed – nothing is as it was before.

You can’t count on your Ex any longer, because they will harm you more than they would help.

The good news is, you CAN find another support system: Look for old friends who used to be close. Your family should also be of great help.

Use every connection you have for support – you need it.

Mistake #3 leads us directly to the next one.

Mistake #4: Maintaining Contact

The no-contact rule is the number one precondition IF you want to get over your relationship break up fast.

Look at it like a drug addict: you can’t get clean with YOUR drug right in front of you.

I talk about this is more detail here.

Mistake #5: Use Your Exes Friends And Family

Out of the ambition to make sense out of all of it, we use their friends or their family. We interview, manipulate and try to use them for our purposes.

Besides the fact that they rarely know anything about the deeper reasons, it really is inappropriate to involve a third person in your breakup. This is something that’s between you and your Ex.

If you do this, you will regret it later.

Mistake #6: Rebound Relationships

Many people leapfrog into a new affair right after their relationship breaks up.

I absolutely do not recommend that.

It may appear that this is the best thing to do in order to get over your Ex but, believe me, the opposite is the case.

You will be constantly comparing to your Ex, everything will remind you of them and you will be frustrated, because NOBODY is as good as your Ex. (This is an illusion of course).

It will throw you back and it will mask your pain, hiding you from the issues your breakup needs to resolve. Don’t deny yourself the opportunity to work these things out. If you do, you have to face that problem again and again, from relationship to relationship.

For many people, healing will not start until they are alone with themselves, confronting their inner demons.

These are the main mistakes most people make right AFTER their relationship breaks up.

Please don’t beat yourself up if you’ve already made some of them. Even if they should be avoided, some of these mistakes are part of the healing and learning process.

So even IF you will look back month/years later and regret a few things you’ve done, they might have been necessary to get you to the point you are today.

Now it’s your turn, tell me, which one if these mistakes have you made?

(Photograph is a courtesy of LunaDiRimmel)

My Recommendation For Further Reading:

10 Secrets About Men - Very Recommendable Inside-Tips from Christian Carter
Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends - THE Classic Book About Breakup Recovery
For Men: Getting Your Groove Back After A Breakup - Approaching Women and Getting Physical

5 Must-See Related Posts:

About The Author:

Eddie Corbano is a breakup-coach, relationship-advisor and founder of LovesAGame. He suffered from a devastating break up in 1998. Since then, he dedicated his life to helping others getting the best of this existential experience. The overcoming of a break up is an important step to autonomy and independency. Eddie Corbano developed some new coaching programs, which focus on evolving inner strength and the power to set and reach any personal goal. (Article written on August 25th, 2009)
Show all posts by Eddie Corbano

Category: Break Up and Divorce
Tags: healing, mistakes, pain, relationship break up, self-esteem, self-love

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Success Stories from other LovesAGame readers

Erin

I’ve done most of those things. Worst still, I held on till the bitter end. It got so sour because I couldn’t let go (I wanted us to remain close and so had unfair expectations of him…) that he resorted to disappearing altogether. I went through something traumatic, called him, and he chose not to be there for me. That hurt like hell. He chose not to care about my well being at all. I continued on to send one last email giving him the choice to stay in my life or not, and he declined. That hurts like hell, yet again. So I’ve made mistakes #1-4. It’s gotten me nowhere. I’m still hurt and confused…after one long year. Thank you for the site and everyone contributing to it, it helps.
Judy

Hi Everyone!
Since I posted my first post on here last week, I have had feed back from so many great people. I have replied and have really looked at what I was writing. Looking from the outside and reading what I wrote, it is so ugly, but why can’t I shake this? I know I am a strong person. This isn’t my first time. I have gone through the pain of divorce, I have loved another deeply before, but why am I having such a hard time with this man? He has gone on….why can’t i? I was thinking today…In the past relationships I thought I would never get over it, but I did. I just have to smile thinking about that now. I know I will over come this. I know I will go on and he will become a distant memory, but in the mean time…I just hate feeling this way…I hate being on the verge of tears, I hate being sad, I hate feeling lonely. Can anyone help me with this? I wish there was a magic cure for this and I will feel better. I can’t think of anything that I did in the past to deal with the loss…I guess it just takes time.
I have avoided any contact with him, I have remained a strong person to him and never have I let him know how hurt I really am. I have never told him how I miss him. I have never discussed any of this with his family. To him…I have moved on and acted like our parting has never botherd me. I should hate him for everything he has put me through, but I can’t.. One thing I have never done is blame myself for this. I refuse to take the blame even though he had put it on me. It has been 8 months and he has been living with another women a month after I was gone. I have only seen him once since our split. I have only talked to him on the phone a couple times in all of this time. There has been some slight email contact between us regarding a few material things that needed to be resolved. He did recently send a email to me and threw somethings in my face. I don’t know if that is what put me in this sad situation right now or what? Like I said in a earlier post…I should be shouting from the roof tops that I am away from him. Everything that I have said about him is the truth. Yes, we got a long good, yes we laughed, joked and was silly a lot of the times. Yes, I loved his family and friends and they loved me too. But the terrible truth is….I really didn’t like him all the time. Yes, there was love, but there was a lot of issues too. I was so tired of being afraid of saying the wrong thing. I was so tired that everything was my fault, I was so tired of everything was what he wanted, what he wanted to do, where he wanted to go ect…That is the truth. It was all about him. Yes, he wasn’t mean to me, but my needs and wants didn’t matter and I see that now that I have been away. Was I happy…yes and no. Did I really think this was forever??? To be completely honest…I don’t think so. I just settled and was comfortable.
I have been doing some shopping for the holidays and I find myself thinking…WOW..he would of loved this. That was the way I was with him. I was so giving and truthfully, I loved giving him things that I knew he wanted or would love. Last Christmas he opened his presents and he hugged me and said…How do you always know what I want? He said he has never had anyone do for him like I do. Is it the holidays coming up that is getting to me?
I am so frustrated now because I just want to look at it for what it truthfully is. He was not my “Forever”, but I miss him. After everything that I just wrote here, you would think I would just be thankful, walk away and go on with my life, but I am stuck.
I have tried to do everything, from excerising, to going back to school ect….but the hurt is still here. By things that he has said…I believe he thinks that i have moved on with someone else. I have never said that or implied that. If he chooses to believe that, then that is his issue. He always thought that I was the girl that had all the boyfriends ect…..So maybe to justify his own actions, I think he believes I have moved on. I have met some really nice men, but I am no where near getting into any kind of relationship. I just want to take care of myself right now.
So after reading this…..If any of you have any suggestions, I would really appreciate it. Until then…I will dry my tears, be thankful for what I do have in my life and do my very best to lift my head up and go on.
Take Care…xo

ShopforaLiving

I feel so bad for you. I know exactly how you feel. I broke up with my ex about a year and a half ago and I am still dealing with it. I was with him for 10 years so I guess it takes time to fully get over someone especially if you were with them for a while. I have enrolled in school to keep my mind off of a lot of things but at the end of the day when you get ready for bed and all you have time to do is think, you can’t help but think about some things. I must say I am not traumatized as I was in the beginning but I still have a ways to go. If you have friends, then consider yourself lucky. At least you have them to turn to when you need someone to talk to or just hang out and have fun. I really do feel that if you just stay focused, keep busy, and remember why you are not together in the first place, that everything will be ok. We break up for a reason, even though we don’t want to believe that other person doesn’t want to be with us, we have to accept it and move on. They did. Once you accept that person doesn’t want to be with you anymore, doors will start opening for you. There is someone for you who will love you for you and treat you like you are supposed to be treated. Just remember, there is someone for each of us and in time you will meet. Stay strong and I wish you well.

Judy

Thank you so much. Reading what you wrote, really made me think long and hard about things. Everything you said is so true.
We can’t change the way they feel or what they decide to do with thier life. I know in my heart that after our last argument that I was done. It was late that night, so I decided to sleep on the couch. I had such a over whelming sense of peace that night. I think I had finally realized what I had to do for me and that was to walk away. I just couldn’t say I was sorry again for something I really felt in my heart was not my fault. He said some terrible things to me. That is what I have to remember on days like today. I have to remember why I had to leave that day and never come back. I wasn’t happy anymore, but it didn’t make it easier. He said to me the next day…We both are just to stubborn to be a couple. In some ways that is true. It is always his way, and I fought against that. We were a team, it wasn’t one way or another. I am a firm believer in team work and partnership. I wanted to be his partner, not his child. That is what I fought for.
This is what I had to remember reading what you wrote. I didn’t loose the best thing in my life. I lost what I thought might have been the best thing. I know different…I just have to remember that.
I did what was best for me. If him meeting someone within a few days after our split is what he felt was best for him, then I wish him well and I have told him that. I am choosing to not do that. I want to deal with whatever I need to do for myself first and don’t want any baggage with anyone new that I might meet.
I am lucky to have a great family and friends. A lot of them have helped me. I am the only girl with five brothers. My brothers have talked to me. At first, it was….Do you think you guys can work this out?? If you love each other it will work out ect…..I finally had to admit to them everything that went on and that he went out of town to visit a friend two days after our split and met his friends step sister and that a week later she drove up here and after a few weeks was living with him. Thier mouths just hung open. All they could say was….You have got to be kidding me?? He has done what??
After that…each one of them told me… You deserve so much more.
That I deserve to be treated so much better than he did me. Although my family thought the world of him…. they are all glad I am no longer with him.
I am taking your advice on staying focused. I need to stay focused and remember that I do deserve so much better. I am going to try my best to get up, start doing things again….get busy and put this person out of my mind. There are things for Christmas that I realize now that I left in his basement that I brought from my house. But…if I really need something, I will go out and buy new. The thought of talking to him makes my stomach sick. Since his email to me late last week, I have since blocked him from my computer. I can not see him online and he can’t see me. I have deleted everything he has ever sent me. I don’t know if this is the best thing for me, but it is what I need to do. I have always been very close to his father, he invited me to the lake that we went to every weekend this past summer. I would only go during the week while I knew my ex was working. I had great times with his father going for long boat rides and visiting him and our other friends at the lake. I will add…without a mention of my ex. It was just us having fun. His father would call me to say hi and ask how I am and that he misses me. So, I have a gift for him for Christmas I already bought. and I will send that by mail to his house. His mother has passed, so for the past 3 yrs at Christmas I have made a beautiful arrangement for her grave site. His family has cried and thanked me for doing that. My mom has passed also, so as I made my mom something, I wanted to do the same for his mother. So, I will send the present to his father, I will make and put the arrangement on his mothers grave without anyone knowing that I have done so. That is my closure. After that…I am done. I will go forward as of that point and put the past 3 yrs behind me. That is the best present I could give to myself. I guess…I just needed to be woke up to what I truly need to be thankful for and I have so much to be thankful for. I know I won’t live the rest of my life and never be hurt again. I have had a lot of loss in my life in the past two years, but sometimes I forgot how very strong I am. I never give myself credit for that.
So from now on…If I feel like crying..I will do that. If I feel sad…I will do that, but shake it off and go on. I know one day I will meet that person I am suppose to be with. I know one day I will find that person that will treat me the way I deserve to be treated.
I know it is hard after 3 yrs. I have no idea what it would be like after 10 yrs. I wish you well.
Thank You again for everything. It really did help me.

Bret Z

Earlier this year, I went through a hard time in my life. My father died unexpectedly from lung cancer. A week later I got into a car accident and got a couple cars totaled. A few weeks later, under all the stress, I flipped at my girlfriend of 4 years, who I deeply loved. A girl at school I had been friends with for a year and half (We’re juniors in college, in the same major) asked me to hang out with her and a friend of hers one night. I did, and during that night we each talked about how upset we were in our relationships (She had dated a guy 2 1/2 years). So we agreed to break up with our significant others, and we would support each other in this. Sooner than later, me and her started dating, but she never really broke up with the guy. She gave me excuses and such, but I took her word for it that she would. Me and her hit it off amazingly. We both described it as ‘perfect’, without a hitch. Unfortunately, her guilt when she finally broke up with him was too much, and she wanted to try again with him. After about 3 months of dating, she broke up with me one night under some very strange conditions. I told her I was accepting of this, and I still wanted to work with her, as friends, because we had been friends for so long. She agreed and said we should still be good friends.

However, she quit talking to me, and later, through friends of hers, I found out she denied we had ever dated. She had accused me of being a stalker, and of being some sort of “manipulative control freak”. We were very sexually active, and she even denied this to everyone.

How do I stop the rage that I feel. This has been 6 months, and I feel ridiculous, but I’m unfortunately stuck in many classes with her, and will probably continue to be. She emailed me today, after several months, and seems like she’s open to talking. But we haven’t talked in person since about 2 weeks from before we broke up. And she is still refusing to meet in person. What do I do to stop this anger? I love her, and I care about her as a friend, so I could not do anything to hurt her, and yet, I feel so screwed, so mislead. She even told me for the first 2 months that we were so compatible that she just needed some time and we might go out again. Not the case now… But it hurts so much….
Carly

I am embarrassed to say I’ve pretty much done all of the above..just recently in fact. I honestly believe though, that there is something psychologically wrong with someone that can turn their feelings off at a flip of a switch.

I kept emailing and calling hoping to get some kind of response..and the more I received silence, the more determined I became. I think I was looking for acknowledgment, a sign to say that I didn’t just waste a year of my life on something that didn’t have an impact.

I think deep down I know I made a difference, and I’ve learned some things about myself. I guess that’s the best satisfaction really..at least on my side, it was a lesson learned. I’m ready to focus on myself for now. I definitely deserve better!
Jody

My fiance left me 12 months ago and I’ve been through every stage imaginable, the pain I felt and am now feeling again after she told me she had just started seeing someone is unbearable at times! The first couple of months were the worst I tried everything to win her back, probably at the expense of my dignity. We’d been together nearly six years and had shared so much, we had a house, dog and were planning a wedding. It seemed to put pressure on are relationship as soon as we got engaged and we had started to fight more, but as far as I was concerned it was nothing out of the ordinary! I just couldn’t understand it when she said she was going. Over the past year we have had contact over the house and the money she was going to get, but in my mind they were excuses to talk to her and the chats would last up to an hour, we would talk like best friends which I thought was helping me, but I was only kidding myself! Now after reading this website and reading peoples stories, I know what I have to do and I feel a real sense of empowerment from that, today is a good day and long may that continue!!
Msla

I have to say that I broke the no contact rule about a thousand times and have to say came up with nothing…I just dont know why we are actually broken up…He will not give me any closure and I really want that but hard to get…I am now at the phase were I really am confident in doing the no contact rule and just leaving it behind im done chasing him and done trying to see him im at the tired point now…I know in my heart that I was a good woman to him and I deserve better and that it is truly his loss…I wanted to so bad to be with him but I just cant do this anymore im done with all the calling and chasing and just feeling to damn depressed…A new year is coming and I always look to make my life better then the last year so hey im looking into the future and moving up.
Msla

P.S. I love this site I just found it on bing.com and hey needed a little help and reading all the post I dont feel like the “Lone Ranger” I wanna thank you for making such a wonderful site Eddie!!!
Anna

I agree with most of the except the rebound. However, I this might be because my case was different. I never really compared my rebound to my ex and, if anything, I chose a rebound who was more considerate than my ex which just made me feel comforted at the time when I needed it. You do have to be careful with bonds though because as soon as you become emotionally attached, that’s when things start getting messy and it just builds a bad foundation if it turns into a relationship.

@Anna –
Also, my rebound knew he was a rebound and there was a mutual understanding, to clear that up.
Diana

@Scott – Just read your reply. It’s been a busy, emotional two months, but you are right. I am already healing. I too was afraid to be alone, but it took several hurtful emails from him to finally accept – it’s over. And I’m ok. Alone! Now, I am focused on me, and it feels so good. I hired a personal trainer (for myself, all) and have lost 20 lbs. I’m on my way… still hurts a little, and when he returns, I’m sure I’ll have to deal with the pain that comes from the divorce process. But, I’m excited about the next chapter in my life. My husband is the one losing out – really. I was so good to him, and now that loyalty, love, respect, support, etc etc will go to someone that will appreciate it. I hope things worked out for you too.
joseph

@Anna –

So how did your rebound end? Are you still with him or not?
sara

@Carly –
3 weeks ago my boyfriend broke up with me on my birthday.my boyfriend who put me true hell.we broke up before but we made up and went on a romantic trip to renew our love. when we came back, a month after i found out that i was pregnant. i wanted this baby very much but he gave me an ultermatium, it’s he or the baby and if i go thru havin the baby. he would deny it and make every1 believe i’m a slut. i’m from a good family, so i had to give in. he did’nt want to take me to a doctor so he bought these pills and gave it to me. that day i remembered, he took me out to lunch, talked nice, bought desert. it’s d way i always wanted him to be. then when i reached home he said, you can’t eat anything u have to take the pills.i did everything for him. 2 days laater he broke up with me. i had no one to share dis with. this is the first time i’m talking about it. i love him so much and he did that to me, without even considering that i wanted the baby nor that i’m human and i have feelings… he just did’nt care, then i went thru a nervous break down, he stayed a bit then 1 month later he broke u with me.i don’t understand why i should feel like this, he hurt me so much. he was abusive to me, mentally, physically and emotionally. i have no one after we break up. i forsake my family and frens for him so he’ll feel more secured, but now i doh even see hope of moving on. it’s like i can’t eat,sleep nor think about anything beside him.i tryied everything but he changd his number.i’m still bleeding from d abortion and my parents want to take me to the doctor, but i’m scared because they would find out what happened… i love him so much, any normal person would hate someone who put them thru all this, wat is wrong with me…
Melody

I just wanted to say that i too just went throw a break-up almost 8 months ago and am syill having a hard time with no closer. I don’t need to rebound, don’t want anyone in fact i was so shocked and devastated{ still am} that she left me that i don;t want to be with women anymore. The emotional and unbelivable connection with a women is wonderful and i never have felt so connected and happy but…. i am now 48 years old, she was 36, and i can’t take it and do not trust anyone and thats sad because i love to be in love and all the great things that come with that. anyway, i guess i’m saying i am tired of wonering what happened when we had just gotten back from cancun, bought into the place and a week later she tells me she’s not happy and doesn’t even want to work on us? what kind of love is that? if i and we really mean something i believe anything is workable except cheating… thats a hard one for me. anyway, lots more to say, she has never talked to me and it has been really hard.
Judy

I have written a few posts in the past about my breakup and my progress…….
I have to say the other day I almost broke the no contact rule. I received a Christmas Card from my ex boyfriend and he actually signed it with his name, his new girlfriend( the one that moved in with him a month after we split) and the 3 dogs and cat that aquired after she moved in! When I saw the envelope, I was suprised he sent a card, but when I opened it and saw that he signed all of that, I was fit to be tired. I swear if he was in my face right then I probably would have slapped him right in the face. My first thought was to call and cuss him out or tear up the card in little pieces and send it back. It wasn’t until I gave myself time to calm down to realize, he is looking for a response and I will not give it to him. I honestly don’t know if he sent that trying to be nice, but certainly did NOT use his brain by signing her name or if it was another dig at me? Truthfully at this time…I don’t care. I let a entire day be ruined by being so mad at him and I am done. Truthfully, this has helped me. For nine months, I have been hurt, cried ect…For the first time, I was mad. That made me realize and think back about a lot of things that happened our last day together and I know now that he is not the man I thought he was. Instead of wasting anymore time mourning the loss of him, I am shouting from the roof tops…Thank god I am away from this man!
It hasn’t been easy these past month preparing for Christmas and all the memories of the past 3 yrs with him ect….When I received that card, that made everything come into place. I am not sad anymore, I feel like a girl that has pride and self respect. I have chosen to take the high road through out this ordeal. I never said anything negitive, I have been nice, I never has spoken to his family or friends about what actually did happen between us. There has been some contact between us via phone and email, but each time I sucked it up and was as nice as could be. Actually in my case….I believe that hurts him more than if I would ever yell and scream at him and tell him he is a sick person. I have had some really hard times with our breakup. I won’t lie about that. I have missed him, I have wondered to the point it was driving me crazy, how he could just move in within days of the end of our 3 yr relationship ect…I see things a lot more clearly now in the 9 months that we have been apart. I see how unhappy I was, I loved him, but I didn’t like him. I had to be truthfully honest with myself and I wasn’t happy. That day I left, I left because I wanted to. He didint’ tell me to go. For everyone that has posted things on this site..I have written things here in the past few months and most of the time with tears in my eyes as I wrote it. Time does heal us…be open to really seeing things as they are. You will get to the point that you will stop blaming yourself and actually see how much better off you are without them. When things happen like this, there is nothing we can do about it. It is….what it is. They chose to move on ect…and there is nothing we can do to do change that. I sat here one day and I thought to myself…..What would I do if he ever called and said…I am sorry for everything, I love you, please come back? Could I do it?? My honest answer was NO. Yeah…You would get that person you loved so much back in your life, but could I honestly forgot what has happened in the past 9 months? Could I honestly forgot the pain he caused me? Could I trust this person again? Am I going to risk my heart breaking all over again?? NO..NO…NO! I have forgiven him for the pain he has caused me. Not for him, but for myself. I will not carry anger around with me. But I could never forget what was done. So, I hold my head up and go on. SInce I received the card the other day, he has sent some jokes via email to me. I have not replied to any of them, I have not sent anything to him. I am blocked on the computer. He can not see me on his list and I have deleted him from mine. Actually it has been this way for months. He is probably expecting a card from me honestly. He knows how I love Christmas and he also knows I am a giving person by nature. He will NOT get a card from me, he won’t get a ecard from me, he will not get a email wishing him anything for Christmas. Everyone that I have told that he sent that card has had the came response…No one can believe he would do such a thing to me. This is our first Christmas not together and he sends me a card signed by him and his new girlfriend?? I should thank him actually because it was the slap in the face I needed. Everyone has told me…You are doing the right thing. Keep your head up and don’t respond to him. That is hurting him more than if you would cuss him out. I don’t wish bad things for him, but I have no desire to be his friend, to ever see him again or speak to him again in my life. He is in my past and I don’t know if I will ever forget him, but I will go on.
I have not been involved with any other man since our split. It was important to me to grieve the loss of this person, deal with what I needed to deal with so that I don’t bring any unfinished baggage into a future relationship. I am not looking for a new relationship, but I honeslty think that I would be open to it if it happened. That is a great feeling. I hope that anyone that has read what I have posted on here for the past few months and see the different stages I have gone through. Try to be honest with yourself and be open to really looking at it as it truthfully is. Time does help, but being honest with yourself is very good. I think I was so stuck on what he did and the hurt that I felt, that I wasn’t honest with myself in that I really didn’t believe he was my forever. Yeah, I was hurt, but was I happy with him? The answer was No. Like I said earlier…I chose to leave that day. I packed my things and left because I knew in my heart I was done. Yes, it hurt that he went on…Yes it hurt that another women is living in the place I was in. Yes, it hurts that she has what I left, Yes, it hurts that is her with his family who I loved dearly. But it’s life. Things happened and most of the time it happens for a reason. I still have some contact with his family. I have received emails from his sisters and they tell me they miss me. His father calles me and tells me how he is thinking of me and his father actually sent me a Christmas card with a gift of money to go out and buy myself something from him. I have sent his father a gift and a beautiful card, but that is between his father and me. I appreciate so much how his father still cares about me. He loved me for me and not because I was his son’s girlfriend. When we do speak, we never speak of his son. It is just about us.
I wish all of you a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy and Healthy New Year. I am looking forward to 2010. Who knows?? It could be my year and if not….that’s ok too. There is some great people out in this world. Not everyone is like our ex’s. We have just had some bad luck….that’s all.
Take Care
Love,
Judy

Sugandha

@Judy

hi!!!!
i must say that i have been really touched by your posts.I am going through a break up phase and your comments have given me some hope. I really admire the way you are dealing with everything.

Linda

@Judy –

Your posts have really hit my heart and actually really inspired me… Thanku…. I too am dealing with a hard situation and hope that i can be as strong as u have..

Judy

Hi Linda,
I am glad that anything that I have written has helped. You will get there…..I promise. Let yourself grieve the loss you feel. It is normal and healthy. One day it will hit you and you will say….I’m done.
You have read what I have written and could see how I was on a roller coater ride. I had more up’s and down’s it was crazy. I would really suggest digging deep down inside and be honest with yourself. That is what I did and I had to be honest with myself. I thought one day…Is it the loss of him or is it the thought of being alone? I wasn’t happy. Like I said in my recent post….I do believe I loved him, but I didn’t like him very much. I wasn’t happy, but I hung in there for some reason. Maybe it was because It was something I was use to?? Right after the break up I felt so lost. I didn’t know what to do because I was so wrapped up in him for so long that I lost myself. I decided that I want to be that girl that smiles all the time, I want to be that person that use to joke and laugh and make other people laugh. I decided I wanted to go visit friends and not stay home and grieve my loss anymore. What did I lose? That is when I started to get better. I am a sensitive person, I do take a lot to heart so dealing with everything he had said and done really hit me hard. I have such a hard time believing people can be that way, but there are different types of people out there. One the hardest parts for me is really believing the type of person he was. Truthfully, when I first met him, I wasn’t physically attracted to him. It was who he was as a person is who I fell in love with. So when the real person came out…It was so hard to see it. What happened to that man that was kind, giving, loving ect…? .He still has a part of that in him, I know it. He is just a very stubborn, insecure person that truthfuly has to control people to make himself feel better. I guess what I am saying is….Look at your ex and who they really are. Is that a person you really want to spend time grieving over? Are they worth it? I am not saying that I might not ever feel sad again or hear a song that reminds me of him or go to place and memories won’t flood my mind, but I do know he isn’t worth shedding one more tear over. It was a huge loss in my life, I have grieved the loss of him and it is over. It all came so clear to me when I receieve that dumb ugly Christmas card from him.
I was so mad, but the next day I had to laugh at how stupid he really has become. I know him…He probably was expecting to get a card from me or atleast a email thanking him for the card he sent. He knows that I would typically do that. But no way….he will get no response from me. I have been nice through out this ordeal and I am done now. That is why I feel so strongly about the no contact rule. The more we have contact, even if it is simple, the more we let them in to say or do something else to hurt us and bring back all the ugly things. I honestly don’t want to ever see or speak to my ex again in my life. I have nothing more to say to him. He was suppose to do take care of one more thing between us and he has never done it. I have asked him a few times to take care of it and he says..I promise I didn’t forget…and it has been 4 months and he hasn’t done it. I am done asking. I do feel good about myself that I have taken the high road through out this ordeal. Even though I know that hurts him more than if I would have yelled and screamed at him, I did it for me. Do I feel that this new person is in life is his one and only?? Not at all. Do I really feel he is happy?? Maybe some what. Do I believe his life is completely different with her than with me?? Yes and not for the better. I just say…God Bless you both! Being honest with yourself will help a lot. That is when I realized that I would never want to be with him anymore. I could never forget what has happened. I know that I could fall right back into the same ole same ole, but would I truthfully be happy? No.
I wish you well Linda…..Take it one day at a time.
Take Care
Judy

Linda

@Judy –
I really am not sure where u find ur strength but i really admire it and wish i had half of it. I have been beating myself up for days about i should have done this i could have done that. In reality I wanted to let go and i was the one who packed up his stuff and told him to get out. So why now am i regretting it? Why am i feeling like i am the worst person ever- that i couldn’t quite understand just what he was going through and even though i stood by his side each and everytime he had a breakdown i could have maybe done a bit more. I feel one thing but i know the complete opposite and i wish i could just move forward.
Heidi

@Carly – I compleatly agree with you that there is something wrong with people who can just turn off love at a flip of a switch. I dated my ex for a year and almost six months an then one day after we went through our first rough patch he was like idk its not working out – just GAVE up dropped the love and me when our issues were simple things . LOve just plain sucks sometimes but when we get involed with someone we never think of how thier going to hurt us. I always gave to him- yet I never got anything in return
Heidi

@Linda – The truth of the matter is Linda we’re women- we give and forgive but, men they get and forget- as I’m learning now. Like for instance i took everything my ex gave me in abox and threw it up the attic. when i decided to torture myself and look on his facebook i saw a pictur of him wearing a compleate outfit of all the stuff i gave him and we broke up a month and a half ago! – Honestly i questioned my self and asked God why -wha did i do to deserve this? And i continue to think Im lesser than him bc hes a freshman at Harvard – im greatly confused on how he could just drop me like that since we were best friends and yet think of how they treated us! are they thinking about us while we type our sob stories about them? Of course not. Its xmas and im still sad about him – im going to kick myself later but i dont know how to just get over it. I think its just the fact that we dont want to let go- only when you say i dont want you as emotional baggage anymore do we let him go. I dont know how to do that yet
Emiy

My boyfriend of 3 years recently broke up with me- he said that he just “didn’t have feelings for me” anymore. Our situation had recently became a little tricky. I had graduated from college, and he still had one more year. Although i only lived about 20 min away from him, he started hanging out with younger girls, going out all the time, and I was lucky if I saw him once every 2 weeks. I felt that although he was a huge priority in my life, I was no longer important to him.
When he finally brought up the break-up talk, I cant say that I hadn’t seen it coming. We were just at two different points in our lives. I was willing to try to make it work, but he was not.
He really wanted to try to be friends, because he still claimed that he cared for me, but he ended up doing some very hurtful things right after we broke up (lying, found out he cheated etc) which proved to me he didnt really care at all.
I know that I heal better with the no contact rule. I know he’s out there hooking up with random girls etc, but if i dont see it or hear about it, i can just be oblivious. The problem is that he is the one that keeps calling me to talk, and to try to be “friends.”
I know that i cannot be friends with him, but how do I get that point through to him? When i do answer his calls, i end up saying things that upset him and i’m the one that ends up feeling bad, even though this whole thing was HIS choice. I’ve recently deeted him from my facebook, and refuse to pick up his phone calls. I feel so guilty though- any suggestions?
Josie

I can’t tell you how much you all have helped me. I was in the same exact situation. Met a guy I wasn’t that attracted to, but everyone said he was such a great christian guy. So I gave him a chance and fell in love with who he was. Within weeks he said I was the one and announced it to our friends and family. He bought part of my ring (but not all RED FLAG hello!) and we moved in together. He suffered from erectile dysfunction, but we “worked” at it. He drank daily, at least a six pack and about a case each night on the weekends. Regularly, he would get wasted and get into fights, kicked out of bars and almost get arrested (almost got me arrested along with him for trying to break up one of his fights!) Within the first 4 months of our relationship, we went from having sex once a week, to once a month and by the new year not at all. He left it at that and said that’s just the way it would be from now on. Within another month, he asked me to move out due to religious reasons. What a slap in the face! You drink every day, do drugs, look at porn and go to strip clubs. We tried to make it work for a few more months, but it got worse. I caught him doing cocaine and hitting up my friends to find him drugs. Not something a “Christian” in his mid-30′s would do. On our vacation, he announced we would probably be getting engaged soon. Shortly, after confronting him about his drinking and needing to work on our sexual relationship he said he never had any intentions of marrying me. I was upset, but glad to be done with it. I cut off all communication to him. I lost weight got asked out on dates and started school again. I felt great! One problem… our friends are all mutual. I had to hear about him going out and getting drunk , crying in public, and starting fights because he’s so upset. What? He’s the one that broke up with me! I pitied him and prayed for him. Then ran into him at a function a month later. We had a great time talking and I told him this was all for the best! He even started to cry, but I cheered him up. He sent a text after apologizing for showing up 4 hrs late at the house to meet me to get some of my old stuff, but he had been out drinking all night. I was nice since I pitied him and sent one or two more texts till I realized some weird stupid small part of me missed him and wanted him back. I stopped communicating and soon found out he was already in a SERIOUS relationship with one of our mutual friends. Now to be honest, she is disabled so that makes sense that he is with her so they won’t have to have sex. She is also an alcoholic so I’m sure that makes him feel less guilty. But I still felt terrible! Why did he get upset seeing me if he had a serious girlfriend? If he loved me so much why did he get into a serious relationship within a month? I know some of this sounds outrageoues, but this is the hell I’ve been going through for a year. I am a smart woman, with a great job. I never had a problem getting dates, but decided to take a chance on a “nice” guy. I’m trying to focus on the fact that, just because they are together they are not super happy. I’m also looking at, just because I am single right now, doesn’t mean it will be that way forever. I literally can’t do any worse than him. I guess I am still dumb founded that this guy who went to church, had a great well paying job, great house, and wonderful friends could be like this! You would have never known it. The bad part is our friends don’t know all of this about him and tell everyone what a great guy he is and how happy he is with her. It felt alot better getting this out, since if I tell my friends I will seem bitter. All I can think of is in time they will start to see the real him as well!
Sebastian

Hello everyone. My GF broke up with me 5 months ago ( its amazing how it can take so much of our lives). I thought 5 months of pain was exagerated, but I have read articles where people are still having getting over this pain of the lost of a loved one.
I am here to give people out there some personal opinions and get some from others as well.
A break up is very personal therefore it has unique way that affect to the person that is suffering about it. even though its unique way they all have something in common. How to recover from this painful experience. I believe that every little thing happens with a porpuse..one proof for this is the suffering. I personaly wouldnt have learned the importance of giving a little time to do an unforgettable moments until my suffery showed me.
Right now i am still in pain for the lost of a wonderful women, but now , everytime I feel terrible about it, I ask myself WHAT IMPORTANT LESSON I NEED TO LEARN FROM THIS. trying to find the answears have become one of the helpful tool to heal my pain. I also wanted to mention something that might be true for other as its for me. While I try to find the lesson that the break up has for me I didnt realize that I was rebuilding my self-esteem which has been broken and that is one of the reason of the undescriptible pain in our soul. START FOCUSING ON YOUR SELF-ESTEEM and HOW TO RECOVER IT. ITS VERY IMPORTANT.
We are unique as humans and there is no other like each individual.

I would like to share this hoping that someone can get back his/her opinion. send it to quichuaruna (at) yahoo (dot) com

@ SARA
I am really sorry for what is happening to you.
Dont forget that you are a wonderful person. The guy doesnt deserve your love. Love that your family sow into you and is where it should go for recovery…trust your family. family support each other.
God Bless you with endless happiness.
prem

I am very much impressed by your thought, it really helped me. I am going through a break up face. I was just browsing net as i typed how to overcome break up , i saw your site,, and it is really helping me out,,, mine is a simple story,,, i am from india was in love with a girl for 3 years. she is a christian and I am hindu. her family is very conserveative. they didnt agree for her marriage and she was pressurised from her parrents and she call me on 25 dec and told me that she is stoping our relation ship, I felt as if i have lost everything in my life. never in my wildest of dream had i ever thought she would say such things to me. Still I cant belive,,,I am going through one of the critical phase in my life,, and some time feels like ending my ……
In India it is very much essential to get the consent of both parrents to get married..I hope things might change for the future generation…
Dee

@Emiy –

I know what you are going thru with the no contact with ex. I have told my ex several times not to contact me after our break-up and that past 2 month he has emailed me through FB and via text message. I have responded to both and I have come to the conclusion that IM JUST GOING TO IGNORE HIM. I felt like that If I don’t respond that I’m being mean. But after reading your post I realized that I’m the one that has the control JUST TO IGNORE HIM. If you want to move on like I choose to do everyday. Use my motto -JUST IGNORE HIM. Girl don’t feel guilty- THIS IS YOUR LIFE. As it was his choice to break with you like my ex broke up with me, It’s my choice to not respond and move on.
Paul J

I had been dating a woman for 7 months, and everything seemed perfect; she kept telling me how happy she was with me and how much she loved me. We got along great, we didn’t argue, and we were really good to each other. Then out of the blue she dumps me (via e-mail from 7000 km away, while she was on a trip to Europe), telling me that her feelings for me were not as strong as mine for her, and how she was trying to convince herself she loved me, but realized she didn’t. I was devastated, as all the signs she had given me prior to the breakup indicated that our relationship was going strong.

About a month later, we started communicating via email, and within a few weeks, she indicated she might want to get back together. We met, had a long talk, where she told me that she’d made a mistake, and felt that I was the best thing to have come into her life, and assured me that if I’d take her back, she would remain committed to me. She was sorry for hurting me the way she did, and promised that if I took her back she wouldn’t do something like that again. Despite my better judgement, I agreed to try again.

For the next 4 weeks things were fantastic; she even started talking to me about moving in together one day, and she told me how sorry she was for almost having ruined this wonderful life we’ll have together. She kept telling me she loved me, and how happy she was with me, and everything seemed to be perfect.

Then all of a sudden, she tells me the same exact thing she told me the first time she dumped me, and that she tried to convince herself of her love for me, but didn’t really feel it. Then she tells me that the first time she dumped me, she got together with her ex-boyfriend, but after just a couple of weeks of being with him, she started seeing that the same issues he had, which caused her to leave him before meeting me, were still there, so she broke up with him again, and came back to me. But now she realizes she still had feelings for him, and didn’t want to see me anymore. She told me she’d need to take some time to sort herself out.
5 days later, she got ENGAGED to her ex-boyfriend, which made me feel like I must not have meant anything to her. I mean, how can one go and tell someone they love them, and literally the next day dump them, and 5 days later get engaged to another man?

I’m feeling terribly hurt and betrayed by what she did to me. Everyone tells me that she must be emotionally unstable to do what she did, and that I’m better off without her; I know they’re probably right, but my feelings for her were genuine, and I loved her deeply (I still do). I’m having a really hard time letting go of my feelings for her, and of my feelings of anger and jeaousy towards this other man. I still don’t understand what happened, and have sent her a couple of emails asking for some answers, but her answers to me only create more questions in my mind, so I know I’m wasting my time and energy on her.
I wish I could just shut off my emotions and my hurt for what happened.
Judy

@Sugandha –
I am so happy that I could help. After reading my many posts you can see the roller coaster ride of emotions I have been on. I wish I could tell you when you will just be done with the hurt, dissappointment ect…but I can’t. You will just know one day your done. For me it was when I finally got mad and let the hurt go. But I also know there is two things to anger…1) Anger can give you strength and 2) Anger can stay with you and eat you up if you don’t let it go. In my case, it gave me strength.
I finally was truthful with myself. That is when I knew I could never forgot a lot of what happened and knew that if things were different we could never have a healthy relationship. I would end up going right back into a situation where I was blamed for everything and made to always say I was sorry. YUK…I will never do that again. A longtime ago when I got divorced I swore right then that I would never let another man make me feel like I wasn’t good enough or put me down in the dirt. I almost let my ex bf do this to me. Almost is the key word. That is why in my heart I don’t believe all the things he blamed me for. A good friend of mine told me….”Hurt People…..Hurt People”. I had to think about that for a second……I did hurt him the day that I packed my stuff, so he fired back and said terrible things to me to hurt me.
I received another email from him on New Years day. He sent it to a few people including my family and best friend. He wanted to wish everyone a Happy New Year and also said…I truly wish every single person listed best wishes for the new year. I read the email and deleted it. I didn’t respond like I use to. I do believe it bothers him that I don’t respond to him anymore, but I am doing it for myself and not to hurt him. Hopefully one day, he will delete me from his contacts and not send anymore emails to me. I am sticking to the no contact rule and it has helped. I don’t wish bad things for him, but honestly…he chose it the way it is now, so live with it. To this day….he has no idea how bad he hurt me and broke my heart. There were times when I wish I would have just let him have it a few times and really said how I felt, but that would have just fed into his ego. As of now…he believes that I have moved on and really didn’t care for him like he thought I did.
I know in time the contact with his father will fade. I will always care about his father and sister’s, but they are his family and If I choose not to hear anything about him anymore, I will have to break that contact. His father called me right after Christmas and told me he really wants to take me to lunch one day when it is good for me. I have not made my mind up if I will go or not, but I will decided that soon.

This site is a great place to be going through this. Eddie has posted a lot of good tips for getting over a ex and dealing with different situations.
Just remember….Your a stong person. You are probably like me and never realized how strong you really are.
Hold you head up….take the high road, you deserve that much.
I truly believe that this new year is going to be a great year for all of us.
Take Care and remember…One day at a time.
Judy
Sugandha

@Judy –
hello!!!
I am very inspired by your posts.It has been 4 months since my boyfriend broke up with me and I am still feeling so lonely and devastated.I am having great difficulty in sticking to the no contact rule.I really wish i had your strength.
Judy

@Sugandha –
Hello!!
After only 4 months, it is normal to still feel lonely and devastated. Don’t beat yourself up over that. Your human. You had a huge loss in your life and it is ok to greive the loss of that person. I think that is healthy. It has been 10 months for me and at 4 months, I was feeling the same way you are right now. With the holidays just ending, I am sure that was a hard time for you. I thought of my ex a lot too and remembered a lot of what we did together in the past. But this time…I didn’t let it get to me. You will get there….trust me.
One of my biggest things I had to overcome was the hurt and the constant question “How could he just go on like I never mattered’?
I thought a lot about that and that is when I realized….Why in the world am I surprised? That was one of our major issues as a couple. It was always about him. It was always what he wanted. So why am I surprised that he did what he did? I should have been shouting from the roof tops..WoooHooo…I am free, but I wasn’t. It wasn’t always terrible with us. Actually most of the time it was great. But then I thought…well, yeah it was great, but I was always doing everything he wanted. It wasn’t a two way street. It wasn’t a partnership. So as long as I did everything he wanted…it was perfect. That is what I realized after being away and truly being honest with myself. That is what I mean by really being truthful with yourself and digging deep inside and asking yourself…..Was I truly happy?? Did I really just loose the best thing in my life?? You might find the same answers like I did. A big NO!
I don’t hate my ex……It doesn’t make either one of us horrible people because him and I couldn’t make this work, but I also have realized he is not the man that I thought he was. I wish him well, but I want nothing to do with him any longer.
We did have some contact during the months we have been apart. It felt good at the time when he would email to say Hi or when he said…I haven’t talked to you and wanted to know how you are doing. But at the sametime…It just broght back the loneliness and I opened the door for hurtful things to be said. I heard stuff like….his new girlfriend had a huge issue with me, so he couldn’t talk to me as much as he would like to, or he would mention things they did that him and I would do together ect….Each time, I would get upset and take two steps backwards. Truthfully, I have only seen him once since our split. Everytime I met with his father ( who lives next door) was when he was at work. When I went to the lake ( that we went to every weekend), to visit mutual friends, it was always when he was not there. We have only spoke on the phone a few times since our split too. I always felt the outta sight…outta mind rule was a good one. But the contact via email was a hard one to follow. I know all I have to do is respond to one of his emails and it would start all over again. I am so sick and tired of being upset about this. I have let this take up way to much time for me and he isn’t worth it anymore. Like I said in a earlier post….When he sent me that xmas card and he actually signed it from him and her….I thought that is it, I will never respond to you again. If he could do that to me without batting a eye, he doesn’t deserve me being friendly to him any longer.
I honestly believe that a door closes for a reason and that is to allow another one to open to bigger and better things. There is a lot of different people out in this world and not everyone is like our ex’s. I just seem to be finding the wrong ones. HAHA I know…One day I will meet the person I am suppose to be with for the rest of my life and you will too.
Try to keep yourself busy. That helps a lot. At first I was sitting at home and really didn’t want to talk to anyone ect…That was the wrong thing to do. Get out there, keep your mind busy. One thing I have done was go on facebook. ( my ex is not on there, but even if he was I would block him) I have reconnected with so many people that I haven’t spoke to in years. There is a farm game on there that I have become so addicted to. HA HA It is actually fun.
Give yourself sometime…grieve your loss, cry if you want, get mad if you want and then pick youself up….dust yourself off and hold your head up. Things will get brighter…I promise!!
Take Care
Judy
Anhelica

Judy, I read your story and it sounds similar to mine…I finished a 2 year relationship about 10 days ago (3 days before New Years, actually), in a similar fashion as you, it was about him always, I felt I could not be myself, I was exhausted from “hauling” the entire emotional part of the relationship, etc. I don’t hate my ex, and its hard for me to feel ok for having been the one to break it off, but I just couldn’t do it anymore, I felt like I was dying.

But even though I was the one who left, he keeps contacting me and acting like a friend. I am a huge mess right now, in the “roller coaster” you described: one day Im ok, the next I’m crushed. But he appears to be doing ok. When we spoke on chat the subject of how things are with him came up and he said “things are pretty much the same”, and when I asked him to clarify, he said, “well, besides the obvious”. How can he be so normal? A friend of mine said maybe he’s faking and pretending to be strong, and acts friendly to not make you mad and drive you away, but I feel hurt somehow, that he can switch so fast to “friends” mode. I still love him and miss him, but I realized I could not be with him. This is a person who told me (we were in a long distance relationship) that I could date other guys if ” I was bored” and that he wanted to “try other women” before settling down, and that its ok because its just sex, and that he loves me.

How could I have been so blind?

There are other issues of course, I never really felt included in his plans, it was always about HIS situation, and I had to accomodate to it. And on top, when we started dating, he had just come out of a 5 yr relationship, still kept in VERY close contact with his ex( to the point that I felt they were not together, but still “emotionally” attached). And what hurt the most was the fact that he never told her we were dating until 1 YEAR after the fact, and during that time I had to endure him getting emails, IM, letters and even presents in the mail from her.

Why was I so stupid? I truly loved him, with EVERYTHING I had. now he’s acting like a victim. and I feel like amonster.

Sorry if this is incoherent, I am just in a world of hurt right now and I don’t know what to do.
George

@Anhelica –

One of the most difficult things to deal with emotionally is unrequited love, or love that is not returned in the same intensity or fashion. The tragedy is that often people persist, or even try harder in their efforts, with the thought that maybe their partners will finally see, and value them how they should. This often does not happen. I can’t tell you not to feel bad that you removed yourself from the situation; feelings are not rational things. I can, however, tell you that you’ve taken a step in the right direction, and that you shouldn’t let yourself feel bad for too long. Don’t let yourself be fooled by the “victim” act. This is designed to draw you back in, with minimal effort. Instead, see this for what it is: a chance to get to know yourself, reevaluate your motives, self-improve, and move on to something better for you. No-Contact is very important, I might add. The reason your ex keeps trying to be your friend is to sabotage your recovery. It’s an emotional lure. Don’t be fooled.
George

I had a particularly unique experience with someone whom I never expected to get involved with, let alone become so emotionally and physically attached to. In retrospect, I realize that the relationship had the bonds of codependency, and that both parties had deep personal issues, sometimes unidentified, but mostly unaddressed. When things finally disintegrate, its easy to find feelings of guilt because one remembers the things one did or didn’t do. Its so much more difficult to commit to memory and acknowledge the mistakes the other person made. The guilty feelings, and many others, are exacerbated when the person you were with finds someone new, free of the emotional baggage. It rips out a huge piece of the heart thinking that your former love is now in love with another… but that’s the way it goes, isn’t it? I wouldn’t wish what I’ve had to go through on my worst enemy. The funny thing is, I put myself in this, and many other situations. What is the most important lesson I’ve learned in all this? “Know Thyself”. Knowing yourself isn’t a surefire way to avoid all personal problems, but it goes a long way if you know what you want and you know what you don’t want. I lost myself in that relationship. Its affected me on so many levels that I can’t believe I’m still here, typing about it, telling whomever will read this. I am struggling. Struggling to find meaning for myself. I am at a crossroad and I don’t know which road to take.
Anhelica

@George – Yes, I know how you feel…I’m the same way, I “lose” myself in a relationship, I give ALL of myself, without holding back, because it’s what we’re all taught, that true love is complete sacrifice and surrender. And while that’s very beautiful, it’s incredibly painful when not returned. Truth is, we give love but we also need love. We all need love to survive. So it needs to be equal. Otherwise, someone will suffer very much…

For me right now, I’m trying hard not to get cynical about things because of this failure. Part of me thinks that well, maybe you’re just not supposed to give your heart out when you’re in a relationship, to love with my “head” and be more detached in the future, but another part wants to feel that abandon and passion, but is scared. How to strike a balance? That is my new goal.

I will not give up on love. I KNOW that I can have a great relationship, but what does it actually take? It’s hard not to lose hope when you fail over and over again, even after you give everything of yourself.

So hang in there George. You’re not alone on this journey
stilllovehim

it’s been almost 2 weeks since ive broken up with my ex. in my situation i broke it off. and we;ve been on and off for a very long time and we been thru this before. i miss him so much and i think ive made a mistake. i think about him all the time cant seem to keep him off my mind. i can say i was unhappy with him and felt like he didnt appreciate me for all i was worth. when i really needed him he acted completely selfish and only thought about himself. i want to call him and email him and just hear his voice adn i just seem as though i cant live with out him its so unbareable.i cry often becuase i miss him so much and cant get over making this mistake.but i think about the times he was rude and mean an just his behavior towards me and his actions. to him there was nothing wrong with it and i should be glad i was with him and he came back to me. we have a son together and we went thru this before a few years ago because he cheated on me and felt so guilty and thought i deserved better so he left then he came back thinkign we could work it out. i stayed single thinking also it could be worked out. im hurting and i am still in love with this man after all hes done to me emotionally ….why do i want to hang on to him. it hurts and its painful but did i make the right decision to leave him but why do i still feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest. he will contact me sooner or later because of our son but how can i even face him now. was i the foolish one.
George

@stilllovehim –

This seems to be a more difficult situation for you to overcome since you have a son with your ex. You’ve been through one of the worst things that can happen in a relationship as well, infidelity. Something strange happens to many people when they are put in terrible situations during a relationship: they tend to be resolved to make it work out at any cost (has a lot to do with self esteem, experience, and level of attachment). It’s noble, but for change to occur, both people need to acknowledge the problems, and also to accept their faults, and most importantly they need to have the willingness to change, and the right direction. Sometimes we are victims of codependency , and we don’t realize it… I think you made the correct first step in walking away from that relationship. It’s going to be a little more difficult for you since you have to be in touch with him at times because of your son, but try to keep those encounters quick and as dry as possible. That pain you feel, like your heart has been ripped from your chest, is your emotional desire to return to what you perceive to be your happiness, just waiting to unfold. In other words, you feel like somehow he’s going to change over time, and all the struggles you went through will be worth it in the end. This is a delusion of the heart, and it interferes with the rational mind because emotions are so powerful. You definitely need to take some time to focus on what you want for yourself. Don’t stay single with the idea that you’re waiting around for him, or for anyone, thinking it could be worked out. Stay single because you need to be alright with yourself first, and you need to rediscover yourself and what you want out of life. This is an awesome site to find the right kind of material you’ll need if you truly want to overcome, and persevere, in what might be the greatest personal challenge you’ll undertake. You aren’t foolish for wanting to end an emotional nightmare. Have faith in yourself, and remember that only you are responsible for your happiness.
Debra

I cried as I read through everyone’s comments and stories. I feel exactly the way all of you do! My boyfriend of six years broke up with me and in less than two weeks an old girlfriend found him on Facebook and they reconnected. They are now together and I feel destroyed. I read all the stories on this site and was amazed at how many of you explained EXACTLY what I am feeling. I feel like I will never be okay again. And the anger is as bad as the sadness.
Thank you all for sharing your stories. It really does help somewhat to know that there are others going through the same thing.

At some point I hope we all find peace and happiness again!
SadInOhio

My girlfriend just left me after 3.5 years. She broke up with me over the phone at 5am. We decided to go “on a break” because she wanted to figure out what she wants. I immediately assumed there was someone else, and she said there was not.

She left town for the weekend and claimed that we would talk when she got back and decide what was going to happen. From the monday night she broke up with me, to this day(it was last monday), I still have not seen her. She texts me daily telling me how she wants to still be close as friends.

Oh, and I found out through her friends that there was someone else. The guy was a guy I had seen her texting frequently, but she always claimed “it was about psychology class”. I trusted her after 3 years(which I clearly shouldn’t have, as she cheated on me so many times before) and got backstabbed… again.

I have never cheated on her, or even gotten close in text messages with another girl over the span of our 3.5yr relationship(honestly, im not that kind of guy). I actually turned a girl down only 2-3weeks ago because my girlfriend and I have been getting along SOOO well recently(we spent almost 4-5hrs/day together, and couldnt have laughed/kissed/nappedtogether more, I thought we were finally on the right track.

I got blindsighted completely… I don’t think she was physically cheating on me, because we literally spent all of our time together. But clearly she was emotionally, which I consider to be just as bad. This is the only girl I ever consider myself to have been “seriously” dating and in love with. I knew every member of her family, went to every family get-together, had plans for college, hell we even had plans for valentines day(which she brought up constantly, even last monday on the last day I saw her).

The guy she is with is simply the “jock” type, and I guess I fit the bill of the skater boi. I would not consider myself attractive in any sort of way other than the fact I am somewhat in shape, my ex is a 9/10 easily, I bragged about her all the time and really I loved her companionship more than anything. She was the person I went to for EVERYTHING, no matter how small, and she actually listened and cared. Currently I am talking to my mom about everything, and she’s all I’ve got. As A guy its very demasculating to know the only person I can go to is my mother.

My future plans remain the same and we are going to end up going to the same college. She told me she wants me to still go there… I really have no choice but to go there either way, but I’m afraid she will confront me when we both arrive and immediately want to get together(its almost a sure thing). There is no way I will be able to spend time with her and know she basically just left me for the summer so she could get some other guys on the side. I have such a low self-esteem I could never pick up girls.

I have a low self-esteem and high standards for the girls I date, which is a total disaster when it comes to “my game”. The only girl I’ve ever actually courted was my ex, back when I was a junior in high school and she was a freshman(I was muscular and on the wrestling team… so it didn’t take much convincing really). Girls have openly made comments to my face about how ugly I am, while my ex was in the room(my ex’s, friends, little sister to be exact(who is a freshman this year)). I am an active party-goer(almost every weekend), but I’ve never actually successfully hit on a girl at a party or had a girl hid on me at a party.

I am currently living in a shitty duplex which I rent for practically nothing due to its condition. I am going back to college in the fall for e-commerce, because I am a self-taught web-designer, and its my hobby as well as USED to be my full-time job until the recession hit last year around this time. I can’t bring girls here, ever, the condition of this place is just too horrible to admit to girls that I actually live here.

I miss her so much, but I know I shouldn’t be with her. Throughout the 3.5yrs we’ve been together I’m about 99% sure there has never been a span of a year where she didn’t cheat on me physically, OR emotionally.

And now… a week after she broke up with me, she still hasn’t talked to me in person. I never got to say goodbye to the girl I called the love of my life for the past 3 1/2 years. I confronted her about it and she says she wants to talk, but she thinks it would be too hard right now, and doesn’t want to do it until she thinks we both wont erupt in tears(which we will, no matter when it happens).

The worst part is I see her on facebook now… she is not “with” this person yet, but she is already talking to his sister like they are best friends, and according to a comment she left, she already hangs out at his house frequently. Its currently 6:43am here and I’m sitting here basically waiting for her to wake up for school(she is a senior and I am graduated) just so maybe I will get a message from her… I don’t want to respond to it, but I’m so weak-willed right now, I know I will in the end. I can’t imagine not being able to talk to her….

I lost my baby and now I go to work for hrs/day… where I stand alone the entire time in silence… just thinking. Almost every night I choke back tears all throughout the night so my bosses won’t notice. There is a permanent lump in the back of my throat and it wont go away.

My last girlfriend before this I dated for 6 months(I was a freshman so it really was nothing), I remember feeling the same way so I know I will eventually get over it. But 3.5 years…. and all i get is a phone call at 5am…… My heart is in pieces on the floor right now and so far the only one to successfully help even a little is my mom, my friends basically give me the “i told you so” response, because they had told me so many times to leave her.

Am I an idiot for staying with her for so long…? And what should I do…? I know its stupid to think I will never meet anyone else, and everyone meets someone eventually… but I really dont know… I can’t imagine a scenario where I could win a girl over and have her actually wanting me. I want true love this time… I want my girl to brag about me to her friends and be there for me… anytime. I want someone who will take me serious this time, someone who can love me for me, and not just my money and muscles(although I am going to start working out again.. i want my muscles back… I had confidence back then…). I need that soul mate that just gets me…. I think my standards are just too high and my self esteem is too low. Any girl I ever want to try hitting on always is out of my league… and I’m so shy I just never try.. I honestly think I’m a great boyfriend… I just don’t have the looks to offer…. and pretty girls know they are above me… so they use me. Nice guys always finish last and I’m a firm believer, but that doesn’t mean i want to become a dick… I like being a nice guy…

My ex says she still loves me, but shes not IN LOVE with me. I basically think its because this kid is a jock, and I’m no longer the ripped wrestler I once was(I’m not fat by any means, I have a faint 6pack actually… i would call it a rockstar stomach…). She says I can text/call her anytime and she will drop everything and come to my side… but I know that she is just being nice until I finally get over her, or until she gets over me… I don’t think theres any way she could truly be over me just like that… not with all the memories we have….

Look at me rambling about my ex…. i miss her. It honestly hurts to admit it but I do, even though everyone around me(including her friends) have told me I deserve better because she doesn’t really care, and has cheated and will cheat again. I know I can’t ever date her again… but it hurts so bad to see her go.. especially like this… I didnt get to say goodbye. I went from being with her everyday to a phone breakup and not seeing her again….. The worst part is… my best friends sister.. is her best friend. Its guaranteed I will see her again…. a lot. Facebook also doesnt help.

Im hurting….. soooooo bad…… tears rolling down my face as I type this…. i’m done now… i really needed to get my feelings off my chest. If you read this whole thing I’m sorry for how repetitive these messages got….
SadInOhio

@Celia – I feel for you celia…. Facebook these days basically makes it so you see your ex everyday. My ex has moved on after 3.5 years… and it has only been a week… and she broke up with me on the phone and never confronted me in person.

Be strong… maybe it is time to find a new job? I know if I worked with my ex I would NEVER be able to move on after having to see them every day.

@Abbie –
My ex has moved on also.. and im just waiting… even now im waiting up at 7am for a message from her. I hope she doesnt send one. I want to move on, and I know I’m still too weak to just ignore her

@goodguy – I feel you, the same for me, only it was 3.5 years. My ex also didn’t even give me a reason. In my case, it was someone else. I’m not saying thats whats going on for you, but it would make sense that she wouldn’t want to tell you, but wants you to know it’s not you’re fault. She probably feels something(even if its only a little) for someone else.

She was my life too, and I know it feels like we will never get over them and we can never find another “one”, but if they’re willing to dump us without reason after so long, they clearly do not care enough that we should be with them the rest of our lives.

I’m keeping positive hoping someone better is out there. My ex was everything I had, I literally spend every day going to work… sitting around… and going to bed. Thats been my every day since it ended over a week ago. I want to just go out and get with other girls for revenge too. But honestly.. I don’t think they would mind… most likely they would be relieved because they thought we moved on, when clearly we havent yet
Steelerfan33

I need some advice re: my relationship w/ my ex-girlfriend.

Here are the details. We met in the middle of May 2009 on a blind date. Before the date, I only knew that she’d broken up with her previous boyfriend three months earlier in February 2009. I didn’t know all the details of her previous reliationship until a few months into our relationship.

Needless to say, May, June, July, and August were great, although I did eventually learn that she’d dated her previous boyfriend for 3 years, had lived with him for 2 1/2 years, and that things ended badly b/t them — i.e., he cheated on her several times and left her at a bar on Valentine’s Day 2009. Then, in September 2009, we had our first significant disagreement/argument. After the argument, she emailed me the next day aplogizing for the argument, and informing me that she’d quit taking her Prozac cold turkey a couple weeks ago. This was news to me b/c I had no clue she was on Prozac. She was on Prozac b/c of what she went through w/ her ex-boyfriend.

Needless to say, once she went off Prozac in late August her behavior changed dramatically during September and October — i.e., lack of affect, weight gain (15 lbs), lack of sex drive, sleeping a lot, etc. By the beginning of November she told me she couldn’t be in the relationship anymore b/c she had to get her life back in order, which I didn’t disagree w/ b/c I believe she was clincally depressed.

When she told me she just wanted to be friends, I told her I understood, and that once she got healthy again to contact me to see if either of us wanted to continue the relationship. When I told her this, though, she said still wanted to talk and see me and that there “was no one else.” At first I tried to explain to her why that wouldn’t work, but being the “nice guy” I am, I told her I’d try the “friend” thing out.

Needless to say, I think the friend thing has been a momunmental disaster for me. I try to be supportive of her, but it seems like when I contact her — like she wanted — she calls back on her terms, she replies on her terms, and — to be honest — I don’t quite know what she’s doing to “get healthy.” I know she went back on Prozac, but she isn’t seeing a therapist or counselor. Because of this — I’m in this emotional rut; I want to be supportive of her, but I also really just want to move on if this relationship is going no where.

To be honest, she never got over her ex-boyfriend and towards the end of our relationship, I now know, that she was displacing her anger for him onto me.

I guess my question is… is it too late to start the 60 day no contact rule. I started it on Saturday, January 23rd, but then she emailed yesterday (January 25th) asking how my weekend was.

I’m just emotionally drained from trying to figure her out…

Any thoughts?

Thanks,

Steelersfan33
joseph

@SadInOhio –

I need to vent, so I’ll repy to your post with some things that helped me.

Ohio, heh? I’m also from Ohio. Went to Miami University in Oxford. So, the hottest girl you’ve ever known, no chance of meeting another one just as hot? Blah man. Seriously, women like that don’t deserve your love. So I’ll give you my situation as it helped me to read others situations and them tell me about theirs.

Dated a girl for 9 years, as serious as serious can be. We started dating in Ohio, then i got a job offer in florida. Moved to Palm beach for a job, she followed 6 months later. First time she ever moved out of her parents house and it was with me. Now,……I knew this girl in high school and she was the apple in every man’s eye. Cheerleader, and all the other extracurricular activities involved in boosting the status of a rising socialite. Me, well I smoked a lot of herb and skated as well. Long hair, the whole bit. We didn’t hook up until 3 years out of high school when she started hanging around similar friends and such. Never in my life did i think this girl would want to be with me. I was elated. So, she moved to florida with me. Eventually i lost my job in PBC due to economy and was offered a job in the fla keys. Ok, this is where it gets tricky. I didn’t want to move down here because it was so small and localized and there are no people my age here. BUT, my ex really loved it and I thought “with her it would be a good chance to get to appreciate her more and we would have so much fun together and all that”. Two years in the keys, and things were great. Ups and downs of course, but overall, great. So, she talks about marriage acouple of times, i kind of shyed away from the conversation. Eventually, I was ready to marry her, and was planning on getting the ring. One day she decides she wants to get her own place so that “WE CAN APPRECIATE EACH OTHER MORE AND THAT I CAN FIGURE OUT WHAT I WANT BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO GET MARRIED AND HAVE KIDS”. So, like a stubborn dumbass, I said OK and she moved three streets down from me. First week I stayed with her and then she came home to visit familly in ohio for a week. When she came back, she said that she didn’t know if she was in love with me anymore. I was crushed. I asked if there was someone else, did i do something, yadda yadda. She said that i had to many friends that were girls and i didn’t care about how she felt about that situation.(passing the blame onto me so she could avoid the guilt of what was really going on) I offered to do anything she wanted me to do. This girl, at one point, worshipped the ground i walked on. never lied, cheated, etc…. So, she blew me off that weekend so that she could think. Well after 6 beers and a couple of shots of Petron, I decided to WALK down to her apartment and say hi and see how she was. Hmm….white truck in the driveway. Walk up to the door and peer over at the window to find her on top of another guy making out with him. Busted in the door, made a scene, apologized to the guy, shook his hand and said “you’ll never care for this girl as much as i have, and you’ll soon realize that”. Normally, i would have picked a table up and beat his ass with it. But i realized when i walked through her door to confront them that “this wasn’t his fault, it was her fault”. So as she smirked at me while i ranted and screamed about how awful she was, I just turned around and left. Week later, she calls me for dinner and like a dumbass, a weeping crying dumbass, i decide that it was just a GREAT idea. So we have dinner the whole week, and she won’t tell me a thing. She doesn’t want to talk about anything. So we are both acting like nothing happened and I’m just paying for dinners and sitting there and smiling and trying to make her smile once more. I can tell something is missing at times. I know that i do not see the admiration in her eyes she once had for me. Yet, I continute on with high hopes that it was just a mistake and we’ll figure it out as we have always done. So thanksgiving we go to key west, rent bikes for the day, go to a nice t day dinner, have icecream, take pics, hold hands, buy her jewelry, talk about marriage a bit, etc.. I thought i was back in motion after this day. So next day, i ask her to come over for dinner. She said she couldn’t because her friend was coming down for the night from WPB and that she would the next day. Next day comes and she isn’t feeling well. So i go get some roses, drop by her place, and there is the white truck. By now, you’ve realized that this “white truck” symbolizes pain and fear in this litte story. I mean a pain and fear that drives most men over the edge and into a raging, tear flooded fury. It subsides. I leave the roses on her car, knock on the door and was told to leave by this guy, of course, through the thick wooden door. so i leave. Cops are at my door ten minutes later. She let this asshole, whom she doesnt even know, call the cops on me from her place. So, I was crushed. Devastated. My best friend, love of my life, true soulmate just snuck out the back door and didn’t so much as say goodbye. I had no closure whatsoever. Just knew his name and that she kept telling me that he was “just a friend”. How cliche’. So, for the next 3-5 weeks (felt like years) I had to drive by her place on my way to work (as there is only one road through this shit farm) and see this guys truck in her driveway…..at night….in the morning….on the weekends…..on the holidays….etc. I cried for two months straight. Not one day went by when i didn’t check her facebook, look at her place when driving by, or text her shitty things like ‘you are such a slut. I love you so much. how could you do this to me? evil bitch!!” lol j/k It was more intense than that i’m sure. So after new years (9 yr anniversary and proposal date) I decided I was done trying to win her heart back with my heartful text messages and flowers. So, I quit facebook (deactivated it), quit texting her, and never ever called her. I did not want to see her ever again. I missed her so damn much, still do, but i would not call her because she made a real big mess of things after 9 long wonderful years and it wasn’t me that should be calling and apologzing. She was pointing the finger at me as if I made her lick all over this new guys face. Petty. I started working out and drinking as much as I could, and believe it or not, I feel a little better. I haven’t cried since new years day (well i did last saturday bceause i ran into her boss), haven’t texted her, haven’t even heard from her.
Point is, you will never get an answer no matter how bad you want one, and this will never make sense to you. It drove me nuts for 3 months straight. I mean every damn day. I still look down her street and peek at her facebook, but I shouldn’t but that is my next challenge. Fact of the matter is, we can’t control these situations. We can’t make them talk if they choose to be cowardice and just go with the gain of pleasure rather than deal with the guilt. You need to pick your self esteem back up someway. Those girls who are her friends that say you didn’t deserve this? Play on their pity for a couple dates or something. seriously, women love a fixer upper. Female companionship helped me quite a bit through a very hard time. Even if it is plutonic, just the company of women who are willing to be your friend boost your esteem in one way or another. And additinoally, other people see you how you perceive yourself. Beauty fades. Heart is forever. My ex’s new man is 10 times better looking than me. Apparently a heart-throb at the bank she worked at. seriously??? Who gives a fuck! He is dumber than a bag of shit and has never worked a day in his life! His parents are well beyond wealthy but she is gonna have to go through hell for a very long time to be around that money. It doesn’t matter what you look like. It doesn’t matter what you look like. It doesn’t matter what you look like. (REPEAT). You sound like someone who is really down on themselves. Stop it. You are playing into what she has created for you…..which is self doubt. Your ego just took a major hit. There will be other women, and you’ll look back at this one day and realize just what a slut she was for doing that shit to you. Me, well its only been three months. Still hard as hell. Still have questions. Still want to choke the shit out of both of them and chum their asses up! But, for now I’ll stand by idlely and keep myself occupied anyway i know how. Three months, you’ll be a little better. That’s all i can tell you. The crying will subside and once again, mental clarity will poke it’s shiny head out. My girl was a 10 as well. I mean it. I place so much value on her looks that I didn’t even see her flaws. I did, but I let them roll right past me. However, now I see that she was an airhead! The girl was seriously retarded! I once asked her who the first person on the moon was and her reply was “buzz lightyear”? Swear to god. It made me sick. So, make a list of all her shortcomings. This will help you to place value on yourself rather than her. It kind of turns the tables a bit, skews them so that your perspective slowly but surely begins to change about your relationship with her. Never thought I’d be on a blog bout heartbreak, but damn, also never thought I would feel a pain that struck so deep into my core. I don’t wish it upon my worst enemies.
Day by day. And even those days aren’t promised to you. Make em’ count.

joe
SadInOhio

Wow, your story reminded me so much of myself its uncanny. I definitely overvalued her looks. You caught your girl twice, I never caught mine, but I know she cheated on me a minimum of 5 times, and still she was the one that broke it off with me. I am a complete jackass for ever continuing it after even the first time. I will never stay with any girl that cheats on me again, and I hope you have the same mentality. I know I won’t cheat on anyone I am with so I want the same in return, and I think that is pretty reasonable.

I have been having alright days so far.. but my mood changes easily. This morning I was bad, but right now I just feel indifferent about it. I have to go to work here in about 2 hours for a 9 hour shift. Thats really the problem for me because I basically stand in silence the whole time just mauling over everything in my head. Especially since today I dropped off her things while she wasn’t home… and she hasn’t talked to me all day. I have a feeling shes got what she wants and she wont talk to me anymore, period.

Although, today I did get decent news, I’m going back to university starting this summer so ill be able to get away.

I feel stupid for not ending it so long ago. My friends have absolutely no sympathy for me either. This same thing happened to 2 of my friends, and I never thought that my girl was like that. Nice guys finish last in almost every scenario when it comes to women. The only one of my friends that has his gf around his finger is the one who cheats all the time.

There is a girl that talks to me constantly right now, but I’m in no way interested in her.. and if it wasn’t for me moving away I would have had an awkward situation when she started trying to date. I don’t want to string her along but I really enjoy just talking to someone. I need someone to talk to.

What I’ve been doing is sitting on facebook reconnecting with old friends through the chat, and texting this girl. It keeps me occupied and takes my mind off of it. You should try it if you haven’t already.

Since we are going to end up at the same college, I’m sure she will start talking to me next fall when she gets there. I know that the guy she is with isn’t going there and she won’t do the long distance thing again, I don’t see them making it anywhere near that far anyways. So when she comes a knockin’, if I haven’t met someone, I plan on stringing her along. I will never “date” or be in a relationship with her, but I will probably use her if the chance arises. It may sound horrible but there was basically a year or two period where she constantly cheated on me every few months and lied about it, she still has never admitted to the things that her friends have told me they witnessed.

It would be nice to find someone by then though I think, so I wouldn’t have to take that path.
joseph

@SadInOhio –

Well man if you go back and read what you wrote, she sounds like a real loser. I realized this about my ex when I was writing on here. I was pointing out all the things that i had turned my ex on to, and started thinking about what she had turned me on to…..and i got nothing. She literally did nothing for me but keep me company and ACT like she was the girl of my dreams. In reality, it sounds like your ex was stringing you along as a backup plan. For the last two months of my ex living with me she was indifferent to me and I knew something was up. She had eyes for another person, even though she would never admit this to any of our friends, me or even herself. She had it planned out and this guy had his best foot forward so she thought he was the better of two evils. I withdrew a bit towards the end because i was kind of confused. So i began to put it into perspective……as such: she wanted to get married, yet she was moving out; there wasn’t another guy, yet she needed space all of a sudden; found the new guy at her house, yet he is just a friend; spends the night over her place, yet he is just a friend. It’s all pre-planned. Just sucks because after 9 years you’d think they would have enough compassion and respect to be up front and honest about everything and have the decency to wait a couple of months before dating, and NOT do it three streets away. But there are no magic words, women are just as big of cowards as cheating men, and the pattern is repeated. Every relationship my ex had ever been in since high school, always ended up with two guys fighting. I was the better man this time, and by not fighting with the new guy, she feels like maybe i don’t care anymore and that she has lost me. Well she did. Such a magnificent friendship and romance and i seriously will never speak to her ever again. Maybe forgive her one day, but i’ll never be able to hold a conversation with her because of how she ended things with me. It literally makes me sick to my stomach to think about. She was so cruel in her dismeanor that I don’t want to be friends with her down the road. And this will eventually cause her pain, even though it’s not my intention. Not only did she lose a lover but she lost a great friend.
So now I’m dealing with the new boyfriend and he is a real dope. Parents own some property and a resort down here so they are loaded, he dropped out of high school to basically fish and party for 10 years, and being as dumb as he is thinks he wants to go at it with me now. As if wooing my girl of 9 years and taking her away from me wasn’t insult enough, this asshole wants to beat my ass because ?????? I was driving to work this morning and he pulls out in front of me (from my ex’s place) and drives real slow. So i’m thinking, “wtf?”. Of course my adrenalin was pumping and i was ready to just ram my truck into the back of his and run over his pretty boy face, maybe peel out on it a couple of times, but that’s neither here nor there. So i go to pass him, and he pulls over on the side of the road and looks over at me. Little does he know that I would really knock the gel out of his hair permanently if he ever confronts me about anything, because I have done absolutely nothing wrong. So, be lucky you don’t have to deal with a new boyfriend only streets away, at your ex’s place. It sucks tremendously and seeing his car there at night and in the morning is a sting that I will never forget. It has lessened though.
So, yes tried facebooking friends but I always end up checking out her page and am tempted to chat with her, so i just ended it. She still has a bunch of our pictures up on there and it makes me sick to even look at now. I should tell her new boy toy about that. Sure he would appreciate it. Fact is, none of her friends back home or here, know about her new boyfriend because she doesn’t want to feel guilty or have others judge her based on her lack of judgement and compassion. She is so worried about what other people think that she has no identity whatsoever. My friends use to jokingly call her “robot”, but now I get it. She is soulless and just takes on the identity of what the next guy wants her to be. I call women like this “morphers” (its my sci-fi name). They constantly need validation from others and cannot be alone by themselves long enough to find out who they are, so they just jump right into another relationship and begin MORPHING into the next guys dream girl. It’s a scam. Just don’t fall for the next one.
Yes, more than likely things with the new guy won’t last, and she’s probably just having her fun with him, but truth is, she will find someone she likes, and it will turn into a relationship. My ex is passive independant so it’s a little different with her. Your ex sounds like she is a party girl who just wants to do whatever she wants, but have something serious waiting back at home. Someone to call her own. I didn’t see my ex making things work with this new guy, but the type of person she is, I don’t know. I bet she will make it work because she has displaced her feelings for me into someone else. BUT, there is one thing that is going to haunt her and that is all the wonderful memories that we have together. A looooooonnngg history to keep her up late at nights thinking about when he is not there. And that….I love.
Best advice, move on. I would if i didn’t live on a damn island full of toothless drunks. Literally, no women here. And if i want to go meet someone, i have to drive an hour to Miami, where the girls ARE out of your league and their handbags cost more than my car! Maybe I can pretend to be a rockstar and have a couple of my friends follow me around with a camera everywhere i go so that I may look wealthy enough to consider dating. So, i’m in a lose – lose situation down here. Nothing comes through here but married couples, retirees and vermin.
I don’t know what your job is but if you are sitting around all day, write down shit, start a journal, etc… I found the worst thing for me is idle hands. I, too sat around an just cried and didn’t want to be around anyone at all. But, now i just want to find a hottie and hook up. At first the thought of dating another girl made me sick. But then seeing my ex screw this new guy and spend so much time with him made me even sicker that she could do it that i decided to tap into dating pool (literally a handful of girls). can’t say it’s the same, feels weird, constantly comparing them to my ex. But, it does take your mind of it and it makes you feel better about yourself knowing there is a girl out there that admires you and respects you for who you are.
For me, I think that girls are better of in my head for the time being.

Things will get better. Slowly, very slowly, but they do. You’ll notice after the crying stops (1-2 months) you’ll start looking at your situation a lot differently. It will still hurt, but not as bad.

Feel free to talk to me anytime you want. It helps for sure. My email is locustcapri (at) yahoo (dot) com Someone did it for me and it truly helped.
sharon

@Erin – hi i’m reading these posts cuz i just got out of a relationship too. it was on better terms cuz i learned that he wasn’t into me anymore after being engaged to me and us living together. we were together a little over a year. anyway, i just wanted to tell you that no contact is the best way to get over the person who dumped you. with my first relationship i was the same way. i would have done anything for that guy after he dumped me. i have no self esteem. its about self esteem no matter where you are in life, you don’t need him!! there are many men out there. if one finds you great enough to be in a relationship with then so will another. i’m starting the no contact thing…i’m more concerned about my self esteem and getting my groove back now! at the end of a relationship(healthy one) you should be more concerned about YOU not THEM. They don’t need you or they would have never broken up with you.
eddie

@Erin –
This message isnt to anyone specific i just gotta get this off my chest and i need some pointers so anyone please feel free to give any tips..
so me and my ex broke up about 3 weeks ago..she said she had wanted to be single for a while do to jumping from one relationship to next for the previous 5 years. there were other reasons as well..I apparently was too controlling..she always had these guy friends of hers which she hung out with pretty often..and its not that i didnt trust her..it was more of me not trusting other guys,and im not gonna lie these guys looked as if they could be abercromby n fitch models..so needless to say i got a bit jealous but i never once said who she could and could not hang out with .i just made it apparent that i didnt like the idea but she could go ahead and do it anyways….i would always ask her “well what if i went out with a bunch of good looking girls, would that bother you?” she always replied no..which was a complete lie..and also it was as if she was keeping me a secret from her friends and when i asked to meet them,after dating for 6 months she flips out and says”im just not ready for you to meet them” i thought it was kinda sketchy.it always seemed like i was hidden like her friends didnt even know she had a boyfriend. for what reason she did that,i dont know.

but anyways..my plan to deal with the breakup was to just stop all contact with her via myspace,facebook,phone calls,txting..just stop everything…we met up a couple times to exchange some of each others stuff.the first time we met it was a few days after the breakup and i told her then and there that i didnt want this and i could change and we could make it work and i was sorry just about everything i could say to try and change her mind..i was desperate i know…she continued to txt me though and me like an idiot continued as well…a few days later i sent her a message on facebook saying all this stuff about where things went sour and how i was willing to change and i still wanted her and all that bs…i messed up again..she calls me and we meet up..and she says “i dont wanna get back together” and again i tell her all that stuff i sent in the facebook message and she says” we both need to just grow up and work on ourselves” so im like “alright fine,i thought id just give it one more shot,at least to know that its really over” then i kissed her..at first she didnt want to,even though i know she did..and we kissed a few more times after that n she tells me to kiss her neck..then we part ways..and we both realized that it was bad..and we’ve still been txting and she even asked me if she should stop all contact..and as much as i know i shouldve said yes..i didnt and now im in a hole…she says she still wants to sleep with me..but i dont know if thats a good idea either..i told her if we’re to go down that road we should wait a bit..i do want her back..i just need to know how get her back with out acting desperate and needy cause that will only push her away…i was thinking i should just tell her now that we should stop talking altogether…but whats holding me back is the chance of sleeping with her again..and i know i shouldnt be thinking that way..please help
Alex

me and my boyfriend just broke up and sad to say i have done pretty much all these break up mistakes.. its hard i cheated on him and it was a hugh mistake i love him and i want to fix it and get back with him. he says he can forgive me and we can be together. but he made me move all my stuff out but he still texting me and telling me he still wants to be friends im not sure what to do. he says we will get back together in the future but just not now. should i just move on? or what
i need outsiders help!
bromontana

@Alex – Honestly, move on. Don’t hold on waiting for the future. That has been my mistake. There IS a reason why you cheated. So, move on. It’s better for the both of you.
Kate

Hi,
I’m trying to figure out why my ex wants to “talk” after he and I decided that it be best that we go our separate ways.

He blurted that out last Saturday night – I agreed – He left. And, over the next two days I was an absolute emotional mess. After that I started feeling better… stronger… like I can move on & I’ll be better for it. But then I get a text from him about wanting to talk a few days ago and then a voicemail this afternoon about how he wants to know how everything is going.

For context, he and I have been back-pedaling, trying to make a broken relationship work for months, in some sense people who know us would say years.

It’s as if we don’t know how not to be in one another’s lives and now that I’m getting strong and just ready to seriously call it OVER, he is contacting me. Is this a control thing? I don’t understand what he even wants to talk about? Is this a way for him to try to get back in my head? Keep me emotionally tied to him? Make me not want to move on? Can a couple that doesn’t work be addicted to the drama, the heartache, the conflict? More context: he is a year and a few months in recovery from addictions.

How should I handle this situation? Ignore his contact?
TJ

Hello Everyone, I am looking for some advice, I too have made most of these mistakes, but we are only human and we hurt and feel emotions. My gf of a year and a half broke up with me about 6 weeks ago and moved out on her own for the first time. She says that she doesn’t feel in control of her own life and she has never been independent and always relied on relationships to make her happy. She also has a 3 year old. She was talking about marriage just before the break up and tells me right now she cant have me in her life while she does this. I feel that she is trying to prove things to herself as well as her dysfunctional family. I also feel like she pushed me away because she let me get too close. I have done everything for her and am a great guy who wears his heart on his sleeve and shes kind of tough because of how she grew up. She has made some attempts to contact me and when we talk, I talk about us and she gets upset and says things arent going to change right now. Can someone help me please! I am 29 and she is 23. Thanks and hope to talk to someone soon. TJ
TJ

@Kate –
Im sorry to hear that Kate, Honestly I would sit down and try to have a honest conversation with him to see where his head is at and figure out ways you both can do your part to make it work, but if you have been having problems it may be best to take some time apart, let things cool down and then see how you both really feel. I hope this helps, maybe you can give me your perspective on my situation below. take care, TJ
MICHELLE

hi!
first I wanna say that i love this page, its helping me a lot.
i think that the biggest mistake i made was that i begged alot. I poured my heart to him and he didn’t cared and left with her. Sometimes i feel like writing emails to him but i know its wrong. The truth is that he’s with her and my heart it’s still in pain!
miserablEnlightening

Well, I am on this site since I am going through a breakup. My story is a bit out of the norm when it comes to relationships. I am going to backpedal to tell my story on some type of timeline. I appreciate feedback if you choose share or simply read to gain some strength like I did reading all the comments.
This relationship started a year after a breakup with my ex fiancé. I broke up with my finance since there was too much pressure on me at a very young age (19-20). He wanted kids and a perfect housewife. I was the dumper in that situation. This site has made me see many mistakes I made with him since he still did not want to let go; I kept being “friends” with him so I did not appear as a bitch. But I ended up only using him for when I needed extra attention. I have realized how messed up this was of me a long time ago.
I meet this new guy and at first I did not pay much attention to him because I was going through a “single-dater” phase. We were both on the same wave length in terms of relationships, marriage and kids; the less of those things there were, the better. At this point I was very young and immature in my personality. Then we started to hang out more and to bond more. Always with this understanding that we were not exclusive. Then the more he was around the less I dated till my days were filled with him and communicating with him. I naturally fell more and more in love with him. At the six months point I wanted to know what he thought on our “status”. He said he was not ready for a relationship but he treasured the friendship. I did too but I said hurtful and childish things. I committed all of the mistakes above. Begged, cried, emailed. We talked and things slowly got better. He helped me grow, see things on a different light. I matured by his side. Fast forward…. the convo was brought up again a year later via im’s. Same response. The only difference here is that I was changing. I was seeing in him everything I would like in a significant other. Humor, responsibility, connection; views in life. I became seeing myself in a relationship and with kids; this was only because I felt secure to have all things with the right person. I began to grow, and with this growth I wanted deep down inside that he too would be feeling the same things with me. This all began 6 months ago. All the while we would see each other every week contact each other every day; shared big events (mostly mine). I had the seed of bringing up the matter again. Since this thought had been lingering in my head I was in conflict with the “what if he had the same response” issue. I knew I could not handle having him any longer in my life as a big unknown. The trouble is that if I decided to leave I knew that I had to cut all ties. We couldn’t still be friends since we were already “friends”. So I brought the subject up again last wed over aim ( i know… but it needed to be said and I could not wait till Sunday). The response was the same. He said he appreciated the friendship and cared a lot for me but did not find himself in a relationship. That he was retrograding into himself for some reason (asked if it was b/c of me… answer was no). Ok. So now what? My whole life was filled with him. His memories the looking forward to his next text ect. All matters were discussed with him. He is… WAS my best friend. I am mourning the loss of a dear friend. Yesterday he forwarded me a “funny” message about friendship. Stating he was my friend forever. Great. Amazing. I did not reply.
The no contact rule is my little mantra, along with some positive ones. It is so hard having someone you love so dearly in your life for so long and then it’s over. Tomorrow, Sunday; and all upcoming Sundays will be so rough since we hung out every Sunday. I don’t know if he will ever take that step to contact me. I fear it actually. I know I won’t contact him; I am too weak internally to talk to him. I have done all the mistakes already. I don’t plan on doing that to myself again.
This site has helped me a lot in my grief. I feel like I have gone through at least 3 of the bad phases in one day (I also think the fact that I was half expecting it for months now helped my mental accepting of the situation).
So now what?
Well the purpose of this move was to figure out my life. I told him there was no way I was going to wait around until something major occurred (he finding someone else and deciding to be with that someone….my biggest fear). I refused to get to the point of exasperation, who knows when that would be…5 more years? I refused to be 30 y.o., single and going through a ten year relationship breakup. I don’t care how much he can say we were friends, we were together. We knew each other we shared our secrets and dreams. We comforted each other. We laughed.
In my sick head I always thought that I didn’t care if we were on a friends stint as long as he was with me he couldn’t be officially with any other girl. That was me one year ago. It wasn’t until I started to feel the need for something deeper b/c this situation was guarding me up so hard inside, that I do not think he actually got to know the real me b/c I was always so scared/guarded around him. Things lately has been changing, there has been less laughter and more serious talk. That could be due to the fact that I was changing and my blocks were so many and intense that I refused to be free and have fun again scared to be falling harder for him.
Moving forward, I need to get my life on track. I am getting my license this week. I decided that this comment was the last big effort I was going to put into this. After this all of my weekends will be spent in a productive fashion (I want to advance in my career and look into going back to school) and concentrating on whom ultimately is my only best friend… ME. I am getting back in shape for my own self-esteem. Fortunately, I am leaving for vacation with my family in the begging of April and I am taking that as a trip of change. The “me” who comes back will be in better shape mentally spiritually and physically. I am already beginning to be change, because if I remain the same and doing the same things it will be harder to ignore the lack of his presence in my life. Does that make sense? I have stopped smoking herb (started b/c of him). I am in the process of quitting smoking ciggs hopefully to achieve a negative connotation to them by associating it to this phase of my life.
In my ideal world would I be happy with him of course, on different circumstances. Will I be happy w/o him… that’s my goa, it will take time, but it will happen. I just can’t wait for this pain to dull b/c right now its piercing my soul.

Forever trust in who you are… for nothing else matters….
Denise

Everyone writes about the no contact rule. How is this possible when we have a 13 year old daughter ???? When he comes to pick her up or drop her off we see each other. We both agreed to not do ” curb side” drop off.
Amy

hello.. I done everything too…funny thing is we still talk but after reading this i dont think i want to anymore becasue YOU are completely right. This page is a life saver… its the honest truth. I was stuck in a vicious cycle of hysterical phones calls and meeting and get this… after he had invited me round to his , he then stopped talkin to me after and this kept happening…. how could i be so thick!!!! neway have to say the embarassment of it all… i really have to laugh at myself and jus GET OVER IT, cus the truth is i dont need him and neone else hu has been hurt by me… he/she is not worth your tears so dont waste ur time… keep the head up =] xx

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