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Have YOU Made These Mistakes After Your Relationship Break Up?

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Months, or even years after a relationship break up, we will fully realize the fatal mistakes we made right after it happened. Especially the panic controlled actions that made us appear as a different person – often we don’t recognize ourselves any more.

It can bring out the worst in us.

It usually happens that we hate ourselves later for the things we’ve done. This is understandable, but the wrong thing to do. Not only does it damage our self-esteem, which is urgently needed for the recovery, (what’s left of it), but it also destroys the new concept of self-love we are trying to build up.

Avoid these feelings by telling yourself that the past is the past, and concentrate on the NOW.

There is a famous quote where it says that one should learn from the mistakes OTHERS make and thereby avoid them.

On the other hand:

“The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.”
—John Powell

I believe that there are two kinds of mistakes: the kind that you can learn and evolve from, and the kind that should be avoided.

When it comes to post relationship break up mistakes, there are some which better be avoided.  The following fall into that category.

Here are the main mistakes most people make right AFTER a relationship break up:

Mistake #1: Panic Controlled Actions

Confronted by what we think is the worst that can happen to us, we do anything to fight it off: we plead, we beg, cry in front of our Exes, harass, stalk, write e-mails, IMs, etc.

All these things will make you cringe when you later think about it.

I think that almost every “Dumpee” makes these mistakes – I don’t think that they are completely avoidable. These are desperate actions by our “animal” part of the brain, fighting for survival.

The sad thing is that they are completely useless. I’ve never heard that a “Dumper” came back after the “Dumpee” wrote them a gazillion e-mails begging to have mercy.

If you’ve made these mistakes, don’t beat yourself up over them.   If you’re about to commit them, try to resist.

Mistake #2: Reassuring Love

We are committed to thinking that if they only KNEW how much we loved them, they would come back immediately, so we keep telling them – over and over again.

The only problem is, they KNOW. They’re breaking up anyway.

Breakups happen rarely because the “Dumper” thinks that they are not being loved. Constant reassurance only leads to humiliation.

Mistake #3: Hoping To Stay Friends

This is a very common mistake that is often made by those having little experience with relationship break ups.

I know that your Ex was your best friend, your intimate partner, the closest person to you. But it is impossible to maintain this kind of relationship AFTER the breakup. Everything has changed – nothing is as it was before.

You can’t count on your Ex any longer, because they will harm you more than they would help.

The good news is, you CAN find another support system: Look for old friends who used to be close. Your family should also be of great help.

Use every connection you have for support – you need it.

Mistake #3 leads us directly to the next one.

Mistake #4: Maintaining Contact

The no-contact rule is the number one precondition IF you want to get over your relationship break up fast.

Look at it like a drug addict: you can’t get clean with YOUR drug right in front of you.

I talk about this is more detail here.

Mistake #5: Use Your Exes Friends And Family

Out of the ambition to make sense out of all of it, we use their friends or their family. We interview, manipulate and try to use them for our purposes.

Besides the fact that they rarely know anything about the deeper reasons, it really is inappropriate to involve a third person in your breakup. This is something that’s between you and your Ex.

If you do this, you will regret it later.

Mistake #6: Rebound Relationships

Many people leapfrog into a new affair right after their relationship breaks up.

I absolutely do not recommend that.

It may appear that this is the best thing to do in order to get over your Ex but, believe me, the opposite is the case.

You will be constantly comparing to your Ex, everything will remind you of them and you will be frustrated, because NOBODY is as good as your Ex.  (This is an illusion of course).

It will throw you back and it will mask your pain, hiding you from the issues your breakup needs to resolve. Don’t deny yourself the opportunity to work these things out. If you do, you have to face that problem again and again, from relationship to relationship.

For many people, healing will not start until they are alone with themselves, confronting their inner demons.

These are the main mistakes most people make right AFTER their relationship breaks up.

Please don’t beat yourself up if you’ve already made some of them.  Even if they should be avoided, some of these mistakes are part of the healing and learning process.

So even IF you will look back month/years later and regret a few things you’ve done, they might have been necessary to get you to the point you are today.

Now it’s your turn, tell me, which one if these mistakes have you made?

(Photograph is a courtesy of LunaDiRimmel)

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About The Author:

is a breakup-coach, relationship-advisor and founder of LovesAGame. He suffered from a devastating break up in 1998. Since then, he dedicated his life to helping others getting the best of this existential experience. The overcoming of a break up is an important step to autonomy and independency. Eddie Corbano developed some new coaching programs, which focus on evolving inner strength and the power to set and reach any personal goal. (Article written on August 25th, 2009)
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  • Judy

    It has been awhile since I have visited this site, but I have read all the emails that have come to me. I just wanted to give a update…
    It has now been a year since the split from my boyfriend and if you would have asked me 6 months ago if I would be feeling the way I do today, I would have never believed it. I am doing really good. There is such a change in me since my first post on this site. I have to say, this site really helped me. Reading the emails that Eddie sends to us, to reading all of your comments and replies has helped alot. Also an important thing is believing in yourself. I went through every stage that is mentioned. My problem though was I got stuck in the hurt stage for way to long. I wasn’t angry with him, I was still thinking I lost the best thing that came into my life! OH My…have things changed. I finally dug deep inside and was truthful with myself. I don’t really know why I stuck it out for as long as I did with him. 3 yrs was a longtime. I had people telling me that I deserved so much more and that I should be shouting from the roof tops that I am free of him, but I didn’t see it. I was hurt, crushed, disappointed ect….Then one day….it hit me. Well, with him and another dig at me really woke me up to who this man really is. He isn’t that wonderful man that I thought he was. I will still say that he is a good person, but a very selfish one. I don’t wish bad things for him. I just don’t want to ever see or speak to him ever in my life. That part of my life is over and I am happy to tuck it away and not look back. I always thought that maybe on some level we could remain friends, but that isn’t possible. In order to heal, I can’t do that. All I would do is leave the door open for more hurt. That is why the no contact rule is so important. At the begining there was some issues that still needed to be resolved between us, so it was impossible to do that, but I tried as much as I could. I have only seen him once since out split and that was to get things from his house. The rest of my things I insisted it be given to his father so that I had no contact with him. There has only been a hand full of phone calls between us in this years time. Months ago I blocked him on the computer so that he couldn’t see me online. He has sent plenty of emails, but i don’t respond to any of them. My intention is not to be mean or hurtful to him, but to think of myself now.
    That is one of the things I realized, is that during our time together, I didn’t think of myself. It was all about him. I look back now and things are so clear. There was no “WE” with us…It was always “I”.
    Yes, we got along most of the time, but that was because I always did what he wanted. He never cared or did anything I wanted. With this relationship, on one level I was his princess, he complimented me always, was affectionate ect… then the first time I had a different opinion than his or had one of my own, it went down hill. Either my tone was bad or I had that look in my eyes. If I tried to explain, then I was arguing. After a certain amount of time he would ask me if I was ready to apologize to him. So I did to stop the silent treatment. Can you believe that? Our last dumb disagreement, it went as I listed above, but this time he said my apology wasn’t sincere enough. That is when my stomach flip flopped for the last time I knew I was done. It doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt to walk out, because it killed me, but I couldn’t take it anymore. I loved this man, but I didn’t like him at all. Then if you read my earlier posts…..Within a week he went out of town, met his friends step sister and has been with her ever since. That is what broke my heart, that he could move on so fast, but that is something I couldn’t control. It is…what it is. Probably on some level our relationship was over before I walked out of that door that day. Not giving him any excuses, but I was gone and he had every right to do what he wanted. That certainly didn’t help me the months later. He didn’t admit to this for awhile, but then finally he did and I heard..Oh I am sorry, I wasn’t looking for it ect…I just said..Stop there is no need to explain yourself to me. During this whole ordeal, I have held my head high and stayed on the high road. I never said a negative thing, never raised my voice, never said a word to his family or friends. As far as he is concerned…I didn’t care. If only he knew how badly he hurt me. I can’t say that I never think of him or about times we spent together, because I do, but it is getting less and less. Like I said…I wasn’t angry at him, I was hurt. This past Christmas he sent me a Christmas card signed from him, his girlfriend, her son and the dogs and cats that came along with her. That is what finally woke me up!! I thought..How dare you! If the card would have only been from him that would have been one thing, but he signed all of them and it was a direct dig at me for no reason. That was the very first time I got angry. My first thought was to call and cuss him out, then I thought about ripping the card up and sending it back, but then I took a long deep breath and thought…NO…he is looking for a response and I refuse to give him one. So I did nothing. He is the type of person that is always the victim. He wanted me to cuss him out to make him look and feel better. No way…He will remain looking like the jacka$$ he is all on his own.
    He still sends emails, but most are more the types about special friends, the real heart felt ones to me along to friends of mine and my family. None of us respond to him.
    That last day I was with him he said such hurtful things to me. Never once though did I take any of it to heart. I know I am not the person he described. That day I just stood there looking at him and just shook my head, got in my car and drove away. Sometimes I wish I would have let him have it, but doing what i did hurt him more.
    So he can live in is dysfunctional life he has. I wish him happiness. A friend told me that they saw him on a dating site, so I am guessing his new love isn’t quite as wonderful as he thought. It kinda makes me chuckle. lol I am sure in this length of time, her tone has been bad and she had that look in her eye too. I could get in my car and come back to my place 30 miles away. She is stuck unless she wants to load her truck and drive home 700 miles to where she lived. God Bless them both….
    I guess the reason i started this is to let you know that it does get better. Keep your head up. Trust me…It will get better.
    Just be truthful with yourself. When I dug deep inside and was really honest with myself, I realized he isn’t really what I wanted. I wasn’t really happy. I was to a point, but no where near as happy as I should have been. I asked myself …what if he called and told me how sorry he was. Could I go back?? No. Could I forget what has happened since I was gone?? NO. Would he be any different than he was? NO, that is him. He is 47. He isn’t going to change. It is sad in a way, because he does have a very good side of him. I truthfully believe this man will end up alone.
    Answering NO to all the questions I asked myself is when I thought…Ok Judy…Why are you so upset then? I could never find the answers on why all of this happened. How he could of moved on so quickly ect…But that doesn’t matter to me anymore.
    I learned a lot about myself during this past year. People have asked me what it is I am looking for in a man. I really couldn’t answer because I didn’t know. That is one thing that I have learned this past year is what i am looking for. I will never be involved again with the type of person that is all about themselfs. I will not be involved with anyone that doesn’t work to reslove issues. I refuse to keep things inside hoping that it will change. I want a partner. I want “WE” and not someone that is all about “I”.
    That is a important thing I learned.
    I am not claiming to be a perfect person. I am not. But I am a good hearted person that likes the simple things in life and I will stay true to myself. It is so nice to smile again…..I have not wanted to get involved with anyone because I really felt I needed to deal with these issues and not bring baggage into anything. I am open to the idea of meeting someone now one day. I know in my heart, I will meet that person that I meant to be with. I just look at this as a life lesson. I have learned a lot.
    So please…any of you that are in the begining stages of a break up…the advice I can give to you is…..Be true to yourself. Be honest with yourself, keep your head held high, try your best to stick to the no contact rule and I promise, it will get better!! Time does heal all. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the person you loved. It is a loss. So if you want to cry…go ahead. If you want to be sad…That’s ok. It is sad. Get mad if you want. Just becareful not to let that consume you. Get the anger that gives you strength. Remember..being angry all the time and hating the world is only hurting yourself and it isn’t doing a thing to him or her.
    Dig deep inside and ask yourself questions like I did. I bet you will find the same answers I did. I didn’t loose the best thing I had in my life. I didn’t loose anything. I walked away from the person I “thought” was the best thing in my life.
    Good Luck to all of you….I do wish all of you happiness and love!!
    Take Care
    Judy

    • Daisy747

      Judy, very nicely written and heart-felt. It is good to know you are doing well. I too was involved with a very self-centered man who was all about himself. I know how frustrating they can be!!!!! Thanks for posting your story..I wish you the best!

    • danica

      thank you, your story and advices were very inspiring. Now that I’m on the early stage of moving on I hope I can be strong as you.

    • danica

      HI judy, I read your post from the very beginning till the updated one. I really see how positive you are, unluckily we’re totally different. I have all the negative thoughts in my mind and I really feel angry everytime I remember that as of now he’s happy with his new girlfriend. Sometimes I can say life is so unfair. The one who hurt me is the one who’s happy while me having all the pain inside. He’s wise he escape from pain since he secured first himself by looking a new girl who will be his next girlfriend before he totally dumped me. I hate him but I cant deny the fact that I still miss him. I feel insecure though actually I passed the nursing licensure exam and I’m a registered nurse now. Sooner my ex will also be a registered nurse since he’ll be taking the board exam too.Sooner he will also be a registered nurse and I feel like I have no edge from him, sooner we’ll be on the same level. How will I overcome all the insecurities I have. Kindly give me some advice please. Thanks a lot.

  • Kate

    An open letter to my ex:

    Dear Ex-bf,

    Why the hell do you keep contacting me like nothing ever happened 3 weeks ago? You and I “decided” to go our separate ways… then I told you off via email and now you are continuing to call me and leave a voicemail every now & then like you never really digested what I wrote in my email? Are you going to acknowledge it? Does it make you feel like you have no control without me in your life? What is your deal and what do you want with me? I don’t understand why you would think that I am ready or willing to speak with you.

    Your ex-gf of many years (too many waiting for you to get your act together… well, now it’s way too late)

  • i gotcha a man

    my boyfriend recently broke up with me when we went out for 2.5 years and we was planning on getting married okay let me start from the begining

    okay my boyfriend broke up with me at 8:30 pm i will never forget it i thought he loved me i loved him but i guess i was wrong he got me prenant and eveything he said that it was either him or the baby i was dumb and picked him but he didnt want to take me to a doctor so he gave me some pills and he told me i made a good choice and he kept telling me he loved me and otha stuff so he was like you wanna go somewhere tonight i was like okay so we went to the park then the mall then the movies then to the club when we was at the mall he bought me a really really slutty outfit i wore it to the club and a whold bunch boys was ova me but of course he was the main one he kept feelin on me and otha stuff so we go sumwhere else and we haad sex then we go 2 the park and he says he loves me but we cant be together no more i was so sad i was crying and a mess how could i be so stupid to think he loved me he didnt love me he just loved the sex but now he trys to be my frienn but unfortuantly i see him everyday at college but anyways i got a new boyfrind and he said if my ex ever mess with me he goin 2 kick his azz i luv my new boyfriend soooo much :)

  • tony

    I am having a very difficult time letting go of the person who just broke up with me after a 13-month relationship. It has been about 6 weeks, but in that time she has sent me a few emails and text messages telling me things like how depressed she was and how hopeful she was that we could be together someday, but that i should not wait for that. then a couple of weeks later she tells me that has been to the doctor and that she has bipolar 2, which would cause most people to run, but has increased my thinkings of “what if?” she had just been diagnosed with this while we were together. I have wanted to call or write to ask about trying again now that she is on medication, but instead i wrote to request that she not contact me unless she wanted to work on our relationship. i haven’t heard from her in 10 days, so i should know the answer, but instead i am still hanging on to hope, based on all of the things that were said previously. since i put the ball “back in her court” i have been really struggling with wanting to talk to her, but i can sense that she just misses the stability that i brought to her life, so even though it is killing me inside, i had to let her go knowing that i couldn’t be friends with her. what makes it harder is that she had a 4-year old who i had been seeing 3 days a week for the last 11 months of our relationship, and in her last email, she told me that her daughter asks about me all of the time. does anyone know why, other than the obvious answer of bipolar disorder, someone would say things like this? am i crazy for thinking that she is still harboring feelings for me and really wants us to have “time apart/experiences on our own” in order to grow and be better for each other? she is 29, i am 37 and i know that she has been sheltered by her parents for a long time and needs to grow up, and i have some self-confidence issues to work through, but i really thought that we were working together until she pulled the rug out from under all of our plans.

  • sourtimes

    @tony –
    Hello Peoples.
    Really cool to see that I’m truly not alone here. I can’t compare scars with you guys, for it seems that everyone has a different yet similar story to tell. I am just lamenting and extremely depressed right now and this site is all I’ve been looking at for the past two days (breakup happened 3 days ago). It’s an extremely bitter pill to swallow when someone you love doesn’t want to be with you. I guess I will realy my story and hope for some insight.
    About 2 years ago I got out of a really nasty relationship, one where I was just down upon its end. About three months had past and I knew the only way to survive would be to find someone else. Thankfully I did. We went to college together and I never knew her but always had a big crush. Through much apprehension, I just went for it and a date turned into a year and a half.
    I knew we were different people from the get go. I come from more of a troubled past. Used to party and go crazy. She was very conservative and career oriented. I admired her and she inspired me to follow my goals. Being that our lives were different, I separated my friends and family from her. I was really close to her family and she never really had many friends to begin with. This turned out to be the achilles heel of the relationship and why it was terminated. I guess I was just afraid that they wouldn’t like each other and if they didn’t how much it would devastate me. The night we broke up I confessed my love and all of the reasons why I wanted to make this work. Through her tears, she just said that she can’t do it anymore.
    I want her back, but I know that it can’t be. I have followed the no contact rule so far (only been 3 days). I vowed to myself that I wouldn’t beg or show my weakness. I’m surprised I haven’t heard from her. No texts, emails, nothing. I feel extremely alone right now. So many sad thoughts of what I should have done differently and really beating myself up for not making things right when I had the chance.
    I’m in my late twenties and I feel old. I just wish I could press rewind, but I can’t. Unexpected change is so hard. I guess I would really like some insight as to what I should do now. 3 days is pretty fresh and I guess I should anticipate feeling like this for some time, I just don’t want to. I’m at work now and I’m completely miserable. I don’t want to be here, but I know I have to be. Where do I go from here?

  • tony

    I am going through the exact same thing, only I was the conservative one and she was the big partier, but i too got caught up in spending too much of my time wrapped up in her, and now she is out there on her own, living it up and just having fun, while i am left here all alone, wondering what went wrong. we had contact for awhile after (it has been 6 weeks) and i keep holding onto hope because we didn’t end on a bad note (she just said it wasn’t the right time for us). we haven’t had any contact for 11 days and it seems to be getting harder, but i know that no-contact is the best way to go.
    anyway, hang in there and try to keep doing things to take your mind off of her. i know that this is easier said than done, but i also know how quickly this can lead to depression if you don’t take care of yourself.

  • sourtimes

    @tony –
    Thanks Tony,
    Your situation mirrored mine 2 years ago (Relationship prior to the one I’m currently mourning). I feel your anguish my friend. My brother pointed out that this happens to the person who is dumped and if I were the dumper my feelings would be completely different. What I mean is, there were red flags that I knew, but accepted and dealt with them because of the comfort we feel when we are loved. When that just goes to the wayside so abruptly, it throws you into a state of apoplexy. Then you have to deal with guilt, despair, insecurities, and your inadequacies. This was the first girl that I admired, in that she had her head on straight. Of course there are chinks in the armor, but I guess we tend to idealize the person when they go. I guess what is hard is that I’m at a crossroad in my life and don’t know where to go. Like a previously stated, I’m in my late twenties, and I’m unsure of the future. This incident obviously brought me to this state of confusion. I just want the melancholy to subside. Maybe a “stream of concious” on this website is a bad idea. I tend to equate the people who have stopped posting for a long time have since recovered which gives me hope. I’m just sad that the phone doesn’t ring anymore. That the text messages have subsided. I said the way I feel to her and she said she just can’t. We broke up over the phone and that was Monday. I haven’t heard or spoke to her since. I’m going to follow the no contact rule by all means and I can’t waiver. I just never anticipated being so upset. I’m going to keep reading and no matter what I will post when I feel better. Hopefully sooner than later.

  • tony

    @sourtimes –
    Hey,

    If you ever want to talk here is my email address: lloyd89 (at) yahoo (dot) com

    I have been able to recognize the reasons why it wasn’t going to work but she broke all of the rules for breakups with the things that she said to me, and this has kept me holding onto hope, waiting for her feelings to come back around, once she has had time to have fun and be ready to settle down. I do know now that she has bipolar disorder, which explains alot of her behavior, but I am still struggling to let go of my feelings for her. I sent her an email asking her not to contact me anymore unless she wanted to work on our relationship, and even though it has been 12 days, I still check my email thinking she will have sent me something because she is ready to start again. It is getting easier, but my feelings and the memories are still holding on, and it hurts a lot to realize that her feelings aren’t the same. Keep holding on though because even though it is a slow process, it is getting a bit easier with each day.

  • Kate

    @Judy – Judy, Thanks for sharing… You are helping me to “wake up” and face the fact that I need to let go of my ex. He isn’t what I want – he is and always has been very self-engaged… selfish. I think I wanted him to change. For many years, I hung on – not really, truly feeling very fulfilled with our relationship but it was too painful to let him go. After I would get up the courage and be honest that I felt it wasn’t working, would end up running back to him because it was too emotionally draining for me to be done with it. Six-seven years of ups and downs… and still struggling to cut him off entirely. We aren’t “together” in the sense of the word anymore, but we still talk and occassionally see one another which is not healthy for me. I really need to just break off the communication. I do well for a few weeks and then I succumb to the contact. Tomorrow is a new day. I hope I can start fresh with no contact tomorrow.

  • Judy

    @danica –
    Hi Danica,
    You will be as strong as I feel right now. I promise. One day at a time. You will fall back at times like I did, but that is ok. I think that is very normal at the begining of a breakup. Like I said in my post…This is a loss, no matter if you were married or dating, so go ahead and grieve the loss of that person you loved. I also learned to forgive. Not for him, but for myself. I didn’t want to carry anger around with me. I wanted to be happy again. He was not worth upsetting myself everyday. I am done with that!!!
    I still have those memories of him that fade in at holidays or special occasions
    but, it doesn’t hurt as bad anymore. I have to admit….It feels so good. Remember…Time does heal all.
    Hang in there and believe in yourself. I am here if you ever want to talk…
    Take Care and Happy Easter!!
    Judy

  • Judy

    @Kate –
    Hi Kate!
    I hope things are still going well for you. It sounds like we were in the same type of relationship. Reading your post, I can see you know what you have to do, it is just hard making that step. Sounds like your on your way though. You will get there. It is hard to break the contact when he is calling ect…Just do what’s in your heart. If you really want to end it then you will end it. One day you will just know it’s time. The no contact rule is a big step, but well worth it in the end.
    In my case, there was contact and still is from my ex, ( via email) but I think it is more to make himself feel better. There is NO contact from me though. In my case, he moved on real fast, so that ended the contact for me. LOL I can laugh now, but I wasn’t when it happened. We don’t talk at all anymore and I don’t miss it. I don’t want to ever talk to him again truthfully. Actually if I ran into him, I wouldn’t even know what to say to this man.
    You will get there….Just stick to your guns. It will get better…I promise.
    Take Care
    Judy

  • N

    My fiance of 5 years broke up with me a few weeks ago and I have made most of these mistakes. I first tried the “be friends” route, which only made things worse because she decided it was too hard on both of us to do that. Then I called her and cried and begged her not to do it. The fact that she was so cold and seemed to not care or have the same pain really bothered me. I have been just so panicked that I was willing to try anything. I have also broke the no contact rule by calling her for random reasons. She has actually done this as well, which of course gave me hope a first, but when I start listening to her and her lack of compassion, I felt like she was just calling me to make herself feel better. Now, I am hearing that she is already “hanging out” with someone else and looking back at our last few months, I am starting to see bits and pieces of situations where she may have me this guy but I was too blinded to notice. This has knocked me back about 5 steps and I am back to that panic mode. I am just at a point where I dont know how to deal with this. I never thought this would happen, especially after 5 years.

    • abhi

      @N – this seems like my story word to word, i had a similar case where my gf of 5 years broke up with me and within a few days i found her hanging out with a new guy whom she had come to know just in the last few months of our relationship. I too felt cheated and stil do but we need to understand that u cannot do anything except accepting it and moving on. If a person does not want to be with u it does not matter who she is with because if not 2day, tommorow it wil happen. So only thing we can do is to pull our lives together and move on because looking back or trying to be in contact wud give us more pain than relief…just try to hang out the pain will wear itself out…take care

  • Terri

    11 days not, and I have broken a couple “rules.”

    The first when the dumper dumped me, begging, crying, but it was over the phone so spared some drama on my part.

    I broke the no contact yesterday, left him a message on his phone, telling him I never got to clarify some horrible things he said to me that night, trying to to cry, aplolgizing for bothering him, Course no call back, which is very enlightening to me, however I did not ask him to call back.

    I e-mailed one of his band members, one I thought I can trust to ask him to let me know if my ex ends up in the hospital or dead….this I really need to know….you see his reasons for breaking up with me were he wants to die alone and his health can not handle the stress of a relationship now, probably never will be ever again.

    In stage 3-4 heart failure.

    Sitll I do not know IF I believe him or not, well his reasons for the breakup anyway. After almost 2 years with this man I am quite sure of his health as I am a cardiac RN.

    I will not break any of the rules again, and I can forgive myself for acting out of fear, angre and grief.

    I still hurt alot and am finding myself being consumed with hate at this point

    blessings

    t

  • danica

    @Alex – MOve on, he just tell you those words “We will get back together in the future but just not now” because I think and as I can see he wanted to make revenge to what you did to him. He wanted to delay your healing and so the effect of that would be you’ll be waiting in vain. I know you did wrong to him but forgive yourself since it’s yourself who can help you. Give him also the chance to move on since he was also hurt. Just accept the fact. I know it’s hard but as the days go by you’ll be fine. Stop contacting him that will also delayed your healing. As of now the idea of being friends will not work out. Maybe someday once all wounds are healed.

  • Gator_gal

    Hello everyone,
    I am new to this site but after reading most of the comments and posts, it gives me a little bit of hope for the future. My ex boyfriend broke up with me about 2 months ago and it’s been REALLY hard on me. We weren’t together for too long (a couple of months) and it was a long distance relationship. He promised me we would make it work and that he would come visit me every month. As it turns out, he wasn’t true to his word and at the end he told me he wasn’t ready to be in a long distance relationship. He said I was an amazing person and blah blah blah but at this point in time he just couldn’t make it work. I was absolutely devasted. He was a good guy and we got along so well. He had so many qualities that I was looking for in my ideal guy and we had so many things in common as well. I feel like I was played and feel like an absolute idiot for believing him when he told me ‘we would make it work, no matter the distance’.
    So ever since then I’ve been so hurt, not wanting to go out or anything. I was coping ok for a while, but then I looked at some pics of him on Facebook (plus we have some mutual friends) and all the feelings came back and I got in that depression mode again. ugh…I don’t even have the desire to go to work anymore, as crazy as that may sound. I’ve had the worst luck when it comes to love. I feel like I’ll just never find that one person ever again. I don’t feel like I am ready just yet to go out there and start dating yet. I feel like it would just be a rebound relationship and that’s not what I’m looking for. It wouldn’t be fair to me or to the new person that enters my life. I hate feeling this way. I feel like everyone else around me is happy and just going on with their lives, except for me. People say time will heal me, but sometimes I’m not so sure about that…I know they mean well, but it seems like time moves so slow sometimes and like I just won’t ever meet anyone that compares to my ex.
    I’ve joined an online dating site, but I just haven’t met anyone that I ‘click’ with just yet, plus it’s the first time I give that a try, so I’m still kinda skeptical that I’ll actually find someone there. I’m just taking it one day at a time, some days are better than others and some days I do relapse and cry when I think about all the good times I had with him. I know I need to work on myself first before I try dating again and try to be happy being on my own. Of course, it’s all easier said than done, but I am gonna try. Right now I don’t really see the light at the end of the tunnel and I don’t know how much longer it’ll be until I do see at least a little glimpse of it. At least I don’t feel so alone knowing that most of you guys are going through something similar…good luck to everyone on your journey to finding happiness and true love!:-)

    One day at a time…

  • anna

    Well gator, i cn really imagine wt r u goin thru….cz its exactly d same m goin thru…break ups r so bad…dey jst destroy ur wil power…bt yes time is d best medicine..it will surely heel….bt at d same time even when i luk at dose good tyms between my n my ex,,,den again m surrounded by d depression..bt jst think it like dis way…..he mst b knowin dat ur hurt..n he wsnt able 2 stick 2 his words dat he will work out d relation well.same words wer spoken by my ex too..n moreover i had 5 yrs of relation..n he gave me d reasons dat he wsnt any more happy wid me..can u ‘B’ dat? ha ha!..den wt is love…no matter wt reasons dere r..bt d ulimate thing is dat dey jst left u….
    bt in ur case its mch more easier as comapred to luk a new life ahead..cz d person who can laeve u n dat too so early..how can he b loyal to you in ur entire life…i know love is very imp..n ul b missin dose tyms 2 d extent of cryin..bt at d same time hes not right for u…ul definately get a better person…il suggest u one thin in ur future..dnt trst any 1 so early n easily…giv ur relation atleast 2 3 yrs before takin any kinda of commitments…ur Bf tol u dat he will work on ur realtion..i guess he tol dis in sum kinda excitement or anxiety..n its jst 4 dat moment of tym..bt slowly slowly as dey move ahead dey forget wt r had already told…if dey wer really genuine at dat point of time wen dey commit u..den hw cn dey leave u?? i jst dnt understnd dis…well…..i jst want say…dnt try too hard to find another person..dis is nt d ryt tym 4 u 2 date anybosy…b alone..1st give ur self time….hadle urself…cope up wid ur emotions..cz if ul find a person at dis point of tym..den ul definately b comparin him wid ur Ex..den ultiamtely ul hurt urself even more…so at dis poit of time..stay alone..b wid anybosy els whom u like…nay gal fren..go out…do a makeover…den slowly slowly..ul start lovin ebin alone..n dere wil a time come wen ul feel gud about dat ur finally over wid it.
    den try 2 find sm1 els..or il suggest let dat happen..cz love jst happens ..dere is no need to find ur love…hel come ur way…dnt wory!!….
    all d best!

  • Mike

    It’s been 7 days since me and my Girlfriend broke up. We were together for 15 months but had been close friends for 3 years before that. She is the one that ended it and I would like to say it was out of the blue, but honestly I could feel it coming for the last 2 months. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking the past week and have begun to realize that we were pretty much doomed from the start, let me share our story with you I apologize for its length it just started pouring out when I started typing it:

    I met her thru a mutual friend one night and She was one of the most beautiful girls I have ever know, the only problem was she was my best friends girlfriend, so she was off limits and I knew and respected that. Eventually she and my best friend bought a house together and moved about 50 miles away from me and I rarely saw her anymore. Then one day I get the news that my best friend had committed suicide and she had found him dead in the garage. She was devastated, this was the love of her life and he was gone forever.

    After that she lost the house and moved back to my side of town, and we spent every weekend together, most of which were spent comforting her as she drowned her sorrows in alcohol and cried on my shoulder. I was there for her as a friend and nothing more and never had any other intention during that time. I spent the next six months of my life devoting all of my free time to making sure she was okay. And then one day something happened, We had be out drinking the whole night and ended up back at my apartment where she had stay many nights before but always slept on this couch, but this time she ended up in my bed with me.
    From that night on anytime we got to together it involved drinking and sex, which was great for awhile but left me wanting more from her, I was falling in love with her and wanted to be in a relationship but she was just not ready for that.

    Life pretty much went on like this for another 6 months, we spent all of our free time together, I knew she wasn’t seeing anyone else and neither was I. But she still did not want to commit to anything. We spent all of the holidays together and she even took me home to meet her family all the while referring to me as her “friend”. It begin to takes it toll on me and I found myself beginning to pressure her into giving me some kind of a commitment.

    Looking back now I understand why she was not ready to jump into another relationship, but she didn’t want to lose me and she must of felt obligated because of everything I had done for her since my friends suicide, so we then officially became a couple and my world was complete. Things were great for the first 2 months and then due to circumstances beyond my control I was forced to move out of my apartment and had really no other option but to move in her. So here we were, living together like a happy family, it was all I ever wanted and it was wonderful.

    Another year had past and we still were living together and had planned on moving into a bigger place this May, we even had furniture picked out, a name for the dog we planned to get, and big plans for the future. Then things started to change, all of a sudden she seemed so distant, so cold, I found myself having to chase her for any kind of affection. She would come to bed at night and just turn her back to me and go to sleep, I would have to ask her to kiss me good night, I knew something was wrong but I was afraid to ask because I knew I wouldn’t like the answer, so I just ignored it the best I could and hoped it would get better… but it never did.
    Friday March 5th, she emails me while I’m at work and telling me that she needs to break the date we had plan for the night because her friends invited her out to a “Girls Night Out”, that’s when I knew I had to say something, and she then reveals to me that she doesn’t feel like she is in love with me anymore and doesn’t know if she ever really was. I was crushed, I had a panic attack while at work and left early. I called her to confirm that this was what she really wanted and she told me that her mind was made up. So I pack an over night bag and went to stay with my brother for the weekend.

    I decided the next day that I needed to move out, threes no way I could stay with her if we were breaking up, so I made some arrangement and found a room to rent about 4 miles from where we were living together. I called her and told her I would be coming the next day to pick up all my stuff and it would be a lot easier for me if she wasn’t there and she agreed. After I had move all of my things out and settle into my new place, she then decided that she missed me and want to work things out and that maybe it would work if we just didn’t live together for awhile.

    So we were back together and we decided that we would just see each other on the weekends like we did before and it seemed to work out for another month, and then she started making all these plans for the weekends that did not involve me and I again began to question where her heart was. She assured me that everything was fine and that she just needed space right now. Then last Wednesdays she called me and said that She’s been trying so hard to be in love with me, but it just not there anymore and she doesn’t want to lead me on anymore. You can’t really argue with some one when they tell you that, so I just told her I understood and hung up the phone.

    We haven’t spoke since, no text messages, no emails and I miss her like crazy but I know hearing her voice or seeing her face will just make this harder on both of us. I got rid of everything in my life that reminded me of her and put it in a box in the garage. I was having a real hard time getting thru the day at work without torturing myself with thoughts of her and I stumbled upon this website. Everything I read here has really helped me in this very difficult time. Thank you Eddie for everything you do.

  • abhi

    Dumpee’s should not fall for rebound relationships as they are not emotionally ready. Is it true for dumpers also?

    • berny

      @abhi…
      I feel it depends upon the person…what kind of loosers are they….some person never allow them self to be loney..one dumps pick other..its rouitne for them..but everyone will have their time to learn something in life atleast once in life time…i learnt my lesson being in rebound always…and look at my ex..found someone within 2 days of break up….if u are indian,have seen this movie 'bachna ye haseeno'..just like that i called up all my ex and said sorry to everyone for breaking thier heart….when i truely felt i am in love,i got it back with interest…anyways i am over it…:-)

  • anna

    I had been through a break up. It happened 4 months ago. I was having 5 years of relation. My bf asked me for space, because things were getting really irritating for him. He couldn’t handle our long conversations anymore. He thought that we are arguing and nothing else. So, he started taking most of our talks for granted. They were irritating for me too. But I never kept “space” as d option to get rid of all that. But at the same time he said that we are friends. I got so damn confused that I asked him to stick to d word space only, but wt do u mean by we being friends. He said that we will be friends for a certain period of time. I asked for how much time does he needs space. He always use 2 to say “I don’t know”. He said that he will call me on his own. This was 19th of December, 2009 when we met for the last time. Before that we had a very nice meeting on 7th of Dec and on 8th we had a really bad day full of arguments regarding our future because he was confused regarding few of the things, then in the end I just asked him would he ever leave me no matter what happens. He said NO. I was satisfied. After 8th of Dec he wasn’t talking properly to me. He was kind of avoiding me, not calling me much and wasn’t even meeting me. Those were actually the last days we were communicating but in a very bad way because he use to be so pissed of from this relation and moreover he wasn’t able to clear his graduation from the past two years. His degree should have been completed in 4 years. But now it’s been 6 years he isn’t able to clear his exam. And this has made him so negative in life. And he has lost all his self confidence upon himself. And his parents were also not giving him the moral support he was looking for. They use to always curse him, but at d same time he wasn’t making any possible efforts on his own to get his life on the track. He had that one thought in his mind that no company will provide him with a job unless he has his degree. So he was just focusing on clearing his exam first and then searching for a job. I was the one who use to tell him to use internet for some preparation for his interviews rather than just for chatting purposes and downloading stuff. But he never studied. I use to boost up his confidence that everything will be fine. Don’t worry I am always with you. I was telling him to have patience that he will be getting the job and all. I told him to try giving some interviews in companies to just check what a company demands. Just for the sake of an experience. But he never did. He was just focusing that first his degree should get clear and then he will see what to do. This entire scenario was going on for one and a half years. He totally became frustrated.
    But….
    Now look every relation goes through bad times as well as good times and you should be able to face the bad phases if you really want to be in the relation. In the last one month I observed little changes. He was getting very much upset from our argues due to tiny issues. I felt that’s genuine as he was already irritated from his life and that time I was the only person who was giving him moral support and all (according to me). He use to ignore our all argues, all are serious conversations as they were destroying his mental peace. In those days one of his cousins came to stay with him for 3 months. My bf use 2 stay alone, he was a paying guest and I truly feel that a person becomes very frustrated if he stays alone and too doing nothing in his life and he is a man after all, it might hurt his ego as well.
    I am perusing post graduation, he use to feel awkward sometimes that he is not even a graduate. I use to feel bad, but I was still there for him. I use to handle his negative energy, his frustration and I wanted to also because I knew this was his bad time and its my responsibility that I should be with him.
    But when his cousin came I observed that he was kind of ignoring me, was not meeting me, he was really happy with his cousin. He use to call me for an about half an hour in between to cover the gap which he was also feeling. But he said that he isn’t able to meet me as he was busy, so that’s why was calling me 2 just make an effort to cover d gap, I use to feel nice. I use to miss him to the extent of crying everyday…and wanted to see him baldy. I actually needed him. This happened for 20 days he wasn’t meeting me. But slowly he was getting pissed off from my tears. He use to say that he’s tired of this relation and wanted to have that “single feel”. It shocked me (It was 19th of Dec when we met for the last time when he said this). He kept on saying stuff that was making me cry. He was trying to inject things into my brain. First of all entire space thing, then the tag of friends. I cried in front of him. He again got pissed off and in the end he got literally fucked up from the talks that were relating to our relation. He use to ignore my calls before our last meeting. And was happy with his cousin and his facebook friends….he started chatting frequently to divert his attention from me. I don’t know was it really intentional that he was only goin to chat with his friends just to divert his attention or he was talking to some one. Actually there was this girl whom he added 6 months back i.e. June. He said that she is one of his cousins and there is nothing like that. But I use to find it fishy, so whenever I use to ask about her he use to over react.
    The reason for asking for some space was that he said that he was already getting screwed from all sides and now this relation was also stressing him a lot. So he wanted some peace in his life. He said he didn’t want to break up, but just wants some space, but it was only me he wasn’t talking to. He was talking to his FB friends everyday. So I realized the problem was me actually, but I wasn’t able to figure out why. Initially he use to say that he wants space and he will be talking to me when he will start earning because he wasn’t happy at that time and if he will start earning that would make him feel happy and then he would talk to me. I said Ok that’s fine. He said he will cal me on X-Mas and New Year to wish, but he didn’t. I called him on X-Mas and asked why you didn’t call. He said he didn’t want me to bother him and neither had he wanted him to bother me. After listening to this I said bye to him.
    Then I started committing some mistakes. He told me not to call him unless he calls me on his own, but I use to call him after every 5 or 10 days. But there were some solid reasons that were making me call. He never listened to why I was calling. The moment he use to pick up the call, he use to say that he is busy and can’t talk. I wasn’t able to digest the entire thing. His voice was like oxygen for me at that point of time. I called him again and again, use to text him, not everyday, but did a long one on New Year. 3-4 times we had really bad fights on phone regarding this whole “space thing”. But he use to say that if I give him space that he wants then surely everything will be fine ,but at the same time he told my mother that if she finds a suitable guy 4 me, she should make me marry that guy and moreover he changed his relationship status on Facebook to “I am in relationship”. I was going so mad from his introvert things. Initially he said that we are friends. I digested that some how. And now he was trying to convince my mother to find a guy for me?? WTF was that?
    I almost lost trust on him. In between he also use to say( when I called him during the time he asked for space) that we will see what happens in d future and he will decide on his own whether he wants to come back to this relation or not. I was so helpless and he was treating me like a show piece. I wasn’t able to figure out whether he wants some space to calm and prepare himself for the relation or was he actually experimenting that he needs me anymore or not. Every time I use to call him, cry and plead, he use to get pissed off. One day I was getting thoughts of committing suicide. I immediately called him and told this to him, he said “he can’t do anything now”, then he said don’t worry I have just asked for some time and then everything will be fine…
    After that day I never called him, but it turned out all ugly n nasty. This happened for almost two months after when he asked for space …After that I never called…
    I never realized that by doing these things I am not helping my self but giving him more reasons of not coming back….but I was helpless at that time…
    After two months I again called….and again messaged. I was sure that he never come back now so I texted him to know the exact reasons why he wanted space and why he only had break up as the option and not any other way out. He replied and said that he asked for some space, that I never gave. I told him to look at the reasons that made me call him again and again. Now it’s been 4 months and he is really irritated of me and messaged me “it’s all over”. I mean he does not even wants 2 meet me. I am asking him from the past 3 months that I want to see him for the last time. I told him that we should meet for one last time if we respect our good times spent together, but he kept on giving excuses so that he doesn’t meet me. Then yesterday we had a really big fight. I called him and busted upon him and warned him that I will tell this to his father as his father is a strict person and only wants that his child should only concentrate on his studies and nothing else (he was rather an insane). He use to say that he will meet whenever he will feel like meeting me. He wasn’t even respecting me n our good times, that at least once I should confront my Ex gf whose begging so much for our last meeting.
    So now in few days he will be meeting me as he got scared that I might tell his father about this. He doesn’t want to look at the misunderstandings now he doesn’t want to understand anything now and want to forget everything now. He said that he loves me still but wants to be alone for his calmness. He told he doesn’t have any hard feeling for me but its just that time is not working us together. And even wrote don’t question me now, stop irritating me and leave me alone.
    now please can u tell me .How genuine can he really be…Am I the one who made this situation worse by calling him again and again
    The worst part is that he ended up everything by messaging me…he says that he did this because he wanted some peace in his life and he is happy without me…but loves me…but want to be alone…I tried to make him understand that please talk to me once, he said “leave me alone”.
    But now that he has agreed upon meeting…..what should I say to him?? How should I react? I want to say something that would make him realize that he shouldn’t have broken up. He might be expecting that I would again cry, plead or beg. But this time I don’t want to do that. I am thinking of treating him very nicely when we meet.
    I know I had made blunders by not giving him his space. But I really love him and want him back. Is there still anything I can do??
    Please help…..
    It’s been 4 months now and I am kind of loosing hopes. I he doesn’t come back what does that mean? Did I spoiled everything by not giving him space?
    Gove some advices

    • Nicah

      anna your bf/or ex bf as i can see is prolonging your agony. He doesn't want to lose you in my life but at the same time he doesn't want you to be part of him life. Better choose to get out of his life rather than staying. It's obvious than he doesn't need you anymore don't dig in for more reasons why especially from your ex. “Staying with someone you really love even if you know its better letting go is like standing under the rain,…it feels good but you know its gonna make you sick”…..

  • Cheyenne

    my ex broke up with me 12 days ago after 2 years. i was so i love with him and he talked about marrying me 5 days before he broke up with me. i am starting to feel a little better. I am finishing my first year of college and im moving back home for good. (i went to school 3 hours from home) we did really well for a long time with the distance, and all of a sudden, it came out of the blue. he said he would always love me but he thought it would be best. his good friend is going through the same thing and recently confessed that he liked me a lot. I straight up told him i am not interested and i am not ready for a relationship. he told me all about my ex. come to find out, he already has a new girlfriend and she is a junior in high school…and he is almost 20. he has already spent the night with her and has done stuff with her. i was crushed when i heard this because he moved on so fast. i have to go to his house unfortunately when i get back home to get some things from his house, and im nervous to go over there. i am just completely disgusted that i was left for a 17 year high school kid. this has made it easier to move on though, because i know i can do way better than that.

  • berny

    Hello everyone…
    I have done mistakes #1 to #5…However i dont feel like seeing someone else.because i am deeply hurt and i still cant take her out of my mind.I have been immature,stupid and what so ever u can call…and i did everything in order to get her back….i would like to share my story….its between 2 nationals…i am an indian and my ex was korean
    I am pursuing my phd in s.korea.We had met each other from some social networking site.we were friends initially and she had broken up from her bf which was of 5 year relationship.and eventually we got close and we both fell in love.she used to always tell me how special i am when compared to ex.she claims that her ex was violent and abusive.we used to spend our weekends together and during weekdays we used to keep in touch with phone.She used to get very possessive about me.even if she finds me wearing any dress which was gifted from my female friends she used to get annoyed.we both had problem communicating initially because she was litllt weak in english.but she got over it…i used to get scared to compltely give myself in the relationship because i was scared if i get serious,she may dump me and i will end up hurting myself.which i had learnt from my previous relationships…but she used to promise me that i am the best person she met and she cant even think of goig away from me.it was all fine for 4 months…then she went to austraila for working holiday….but she said she will come back to me and she wants me back in her life and we will get married in few years…we kept in touch through skype and we used to talk almost everyday….it went on for 3 months…..and seeing her love for me i became very serious with her.Inspite of different natinality i thought i will marry her….just 1 month agi she met few guys in australia in church and she was going out to few places…and i felt bit insecured.she assured me that she understand my feelings,but they are just church guys from prayer groups.but as days passed i used to see her gettign closed to one guy and in facebook,there used to always
    comments on each other pics and status messages….i just told her it really makes me feel insecured…just imagine how u used to feel when i used to comment on others pictures…..there it was all over…she said she wants to break up…i pleaded..begged..but she never picked my call neither replied to my mail.i was hospitalized for a day because out of shock i lost my conciousness…she blocked me from facebook…but used some other ID and saw her profile.but she was happy with her friends and she continuing posting messages to that guy…i called her again and this time she picked up call and said….move on in ur life and she is ready to be friend with me but she does not love me.and she is seeing someone else….she broke up with me because she found me obsessive….i was broke apart again.it was just 1 and half week she found someone else…..she used to say she loved me so much….but within 1 week she found some one else..i was resisting her obsession for 6 months.but she got fed of my obsession of one week.
    i did one more mistake..i spoke to one of her friend in australia and told whats happeing.he said…she is going around with the same church guy whom i had problem with.they are travelling all over australia and having fun.they are planning to get engaged now.my ex wil come back to korea to finish her education.then again she will go back to aus and get settle down with her……
    I feel horrifled imagining my ex with this guy..she assured me there is nothing between them and she landed up with same guy.I dont get sleep from 3 weeks..i dont feel hungry..lost weight upto 6 kg’s …..its affecting me a lot….i decided to assure myself it is over but memories haunt me….the memories of the time they spent haunts me….
    My mind says i never want her back in my life..but inspite of this why do i miss her so much…Infact i dont have much time to worry about this because i am busy with my research life….but from 3 weeks nothing happening…i cant concentrate on anything else….
    i am tired of fighting with myself everyday,seeking for a motivation to live….i feel like killing myself..but i dot have courage to do it…i know its wrong….i thought i would be fine in 3 weeks but it looks like the healing is taking forever……can anyone suggest me anything on this..has anyone been through this kind of situation…sometimes i feel she just played around with me….i dont know whata happening to me….

  • Judy

    @berny –
    Hello Berny,
    I just read your post and I have to comment to you. Berny. Please believe me when I say this…..You are going to be just fine. You are just like the rest of us on this site. We all have been hurt and the hurt will subside. I promise you. I too, like you was very hurt by someone I loved. My situation was different than yours, but the end result will be the same. You will smile again and go on with your life. After reading what you said about your situation, Berny you are so lucky to be away from this girl. Please reread what you wrote and you will see what I am seeing. This girl does not know what she wants and goes on in her life hurting people. She had just gotten out of a 5yr relationship when she met you. Within 4 months you both were talking of marriage. She goes on holiday, meets another man and within a very short time, she ends your relationship and now is talking of a engagement with this new man. Do you really think this new relationship she has is going to work?? Not in a million years my friend. This is her pattern. She goes from one to another with little regard for anyones feelings. I bet she is the one that ends up alone and she deserves that. I know you can’t see that right now because you are hurt. I was like you. I was stuck in the hurt stage for so long, that I couldn’t see the truth that was right in my face. It was that way until one day I really was honest with myself. Berny, it has been a year for me since my breakup, and I am doing great and have shut the door on my past relationship and I promise you will get there too. Your breakup is fresh and it is normal to be hurt, disappointed and sad, but Berny, there isn’t one person in this world that is worth harming yourself over!! Please believe me. If you continue to feel that way, please promise me you will talk to a profession about that. This is a loss, so grieve the loss you feel and go on. Keep busy with what you are doing. See friends and even do something you have wanted to do, but never have. Berny, you haven’t done anything wrong. we all seem to blame ourselves until we really dig deep inside ourselves and see the truth. Look at the truth about this girl. She isn’t ready to be involved with anyone and you are so lucky this ended before you invested years into a relationship with her and was hurt even more. Hold your head up. You sound like a very nice person and you didn’t deserve to be treated this way.
    One more bit of advice I would like to give you……Please stay with the no contact rule. Eddie is right when he tells us that this is a very important rule. Delete any facebook page you have with her. Don’t call, Don’t try to email and don’t accept any calls or emails from her. If not, all your going to do is leave the door open for more hurt. I have done that and it has helped me so much. I have no contact at all with my ex boyfriend and I thank God for that. He is blocked from everything I have and has been for months. I took his numbers out of my phone and I feel so good about that. I don’t hate my ex and I am not telling you to hate her, but look at the truth about her. She isn’t worth one more day of feeling sad. Smile and be glad you are away from her. It felt so good for me to smile and be happy again. Trust me…You will get there, but you have to want that and I hope you do.
    As far as your comment about not ready to get involved with anyone else right now. That is a smart thing to do. It works for some people, but you still need to grieve the loss of that person you loved to be able to have a healthy relationship with someone else. I am now open to meeting someone else and i am excited to one day meeting that person I am suppose to meet. I know in my heart that I will not think about my ex or compare anyone new to my ex. That is only fair to someone else.
    I wish you well and I promise…Time does heal all…..
    Judy

    • berny

      @judy…
      Its my second day.and i am smiling within for no reason.( i am not being crazy)..somehow sometimes i get pulled backwords….thats when i come and express my feelings here and try n prove myself to be strong.These three weeks i spoke to almost all possible persons and cry over it.But everything was like a temporary relief..i was so frustrated that i googled for for how to overcome breakup..and luckily i found eddie….its been 3 days i am glued into this site…practically doing nothing other than this..it makes me comfortable reading i am not the only one.I used to believe these internet philosphies are crap.But,eddie i solute u..we all owe u a lot for creating this webite…
      Just trying to get over the the The Vicious Cycle Of My Memories in eddie’s way…i have joined salsa classes too…its quite exciting because i have never danced before…i am sure once all these mess is over i will be a better person that before…trying to take this as a positive lesson in my life…and judy,i am sure even i will come and shout here..i am happy being alone..and if i find someone…i will share my experiences here…..somehow i feel like i am being personally attached to this blog…:-)….anyone really needs to talk i am here always…and catch me up roshanbernard at yahoo….i would really wanna help myself and others because i do realize breakup is part of life but it is’t fun…..

      • http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

        berny, thank you for your kind words.

        “The Vicious Cycle Of My Memories” is actually one of the biggest dangers to every Dumpee. The earlier you are aware of it and manage to escape it, the faster you will heal.

      • anna

        hi Berny!….thanks for taking your time and reading my story and responding to it.really thanks for that. what you said is absolutely right. I know its painful for me but yes time will heal everything. It will definitely. I am also not entirely happy these days. Each and every second I am surrounded by those memories. Sometimes I feel like cherishing them because they were so beautiful and I am the kind of person who likes to cherish her memories throughout.I am so helpless that I can't even cherish them now as they will hurt me more and more. I am a very emotional person but now I feel like I have to lead my life in a practical way so that I don't get hurt anymore. I know this is my past now and I use to hate the word 'EX-bf and Ex-gf' and now its attached with me too. I feel so disgusting. Well as far as my meeting with him is concerned, now I don't want to meet him to get him back. Actually I really don't know what is the real reason behind the break up. Sometimes I feel that it can be possible that he might not be having that tolerance power to handle the relation. I don't know how genuine he is.After when he asked me for space,since then we haven't met, everything happened on phone. So a person can hide his or her body language through that. He changes his reasons behind the break up, sometimes something and sometimes something else. So, actually the main reason I wanted to meet was that I just want him to look straight into my eyes and then say whatever he wants too. I want see what all reasons he has to give now, not because that I can make him understand again and want him back into my life. Not at all! He has been rude and mean to me over our phone calls. now i want to see how much he can get rude to me if I meet him face to face. I feel the reason he is not meeting me is because he cant face me or may be hes guilty. I feel that if a person behaves in a very rude manner to you, the one and the most foremost way to make him realize that he shouldn't have been so inhuman to the one who cares for him is that -just treat that person nicely. I don't want to do this to get him back now. But some things are really irritating me, like I don't know whats the actual reason behind the break up and he being so rude to me. So if I meet I can try to figure out at least something and I want to really treat him nicely so that he can himself realize one day what he has done. I want to meet him with full confidence this time.One more reason why I want to meet him because I still respect my past relation with him and all the good memories spent, so just before moving on in my life I want to end up everything in a nice way on his behalf too because the last time we talked we really had a big fight. so it keeps on bothering me that we ended up on a fight. So I just want to meet so that whenever we both meet in life we meet with a smile.And then this chapter is over for me. I know he doesn't want to do this. He has an attitude of 'let it go!' but i am not like that. I am not able to take this that if a relation has been started so nicely,it shouldn't be ended so drastically.Thats fine if it doesn't work but I feel that we shouldn't be so inhuman, we should respect our lives. anyways this is my perception. I read your story berny. I felt so bad that how quickly a person switches to another guy. that girl is not at all sure of her feelings this time too. Ha ha! pathetically funny! well, i read what Judy wrote. And I too agree with her that she doesn't know what she exactly wants. They are some kind of losers i feel and You surely don't deserve a loser. you are lucky that she is out of your life. She doesn't deserve you my dear. The person whom you will marry should understand your feelings. But she ,after knowing that you are getting thoughts of committing suicide, she doesn't even care whether you die or live. I know its very painful to realize that but I don't really understand how a person can be so inhuman and at times they were the one who use to say that they can do anything for us. crap! You know what !atleast you know what's the reason behind your break up. it was that guy.But I don't have any idea that is my ex going around with someone, it doesn't bother me now but it do bothers me a lot of times that what could be the reasons that my 5 yrs of relation is no more.And ya good you joined salsa classes, even i was looking forward to join some dance classes soon. I love dancing, it makes you feel happy and confident. Good luck with your research work. i know you will be 100 % happy(as you said) soon.Well do tell me what do you think about me meeting my ex for the last time keeping in ming the reasons i told regarding meeting him. Thanks!

        • Berny

          @anna…
          I must say that we both were born with the similar state of my mind i guess.because i carry the same emotions towards relations as u carried.I hate to be called as ex-bf…but i am one among them now.i read ur message thrice and i understand ur urge to meet him and clarify the reason to break up and get back with ur life.well,i would say it all depends upon how strong u are within urself to face this person and talk to him.But let me be honest with u anna…it will hurt u more than what u feeling now…trust me on this.Right after meeting him u will feel yesss…things are clear now.but after some time those thoughts will haunt u.i dont know u may go through the same thing or not.Let me relate my story in reagard to urs in this particular situation…i should have kept quite the moment she said she wants to break up.the reason she gave was i am being obssessive and her ex bf was also obssessive & he turned violent(as she claims)..so she thinks i wil become like him and spoil her life.Earlier, out of her obsession i had to tear off the shirt which my labmate gifted me,just to prove that it means nothing to me and u are everything to me.i understood her obsession but when i gave this example to her…she said she does't wanna talk about it…..I was not convinced with this reason why she is breaking off…then i peeped into her friend's facebook(her current bf) and those lovely comments still were on..it broke my heart….i should have stopped by then..but again i called her up….she picked the call after 2 weeks..and she was talking to me as thrash….she said..she is being with someone else and insulted me saying we are not meant to be with each other(same person used to say i am the best person she met,she can never leave me)as if i had done blunders..i said nothing..i just said be happy and i am sorry….i should have avoided….again i contacted one of her friend in aus to know whats happeing between these two…He said right after the break up she started to move on with this guy and they are hiding it form others because they all knew that i was her bf.he said..they are travelling all over australia and living with each other…Can u believe it within a day she went around with him and now she is living with him.when i had questined about this guy initially to her she said he said he is from church prayer group..she is among with them just like guy…he tease her that she is ugly….and whats happening now…she forgot he is from church…..
          anna i am telling this u in detail because …it feels devastating to know that the girl whom u thought of spending life with is living with someone else within 2 weeks…trust me its hard to take it.i used to go crazy in the night..imagining this guy with her in bed(sorry if i am being too irrational)…but it hurts anna…i should have kept quite when she said she wanted to break up and follow no contact rule…i would be fine within 2 weeks…but i went on digging up and made my life miserable…I should have realized the fact that once someone says that they dont wanna be together and they wanna break up…just break up rather than digging about it.Just try to digest the fact they dont love u anymore…I dont know why i still suggest u not to meet u anna…u already suffered so much because of him and what are u gonna get out of this confirmation about the break up.Lets just realize its over and we should never give the chance for them to enter our life again.In ur case u have given couple of chances but that guy does not deserve it.Why u still run behind the reason.Just read what eddie told u….right away get into no contact rule…soon u will be fine…tell urself..anyways this guy is out of ur life..and never u are gonna entertain him..so how does it matter if he is being with someone or not.This the decision i have made. and i am sure i will never see this girl's face again.Not to forget its hard to forget the memory…even i cherish the memories we had…but now its not doing any good..it just makes me feel sad….that thought is still there..but trust me the pain is healing now..i can sense it.i dont wake up in the night with horrifying thoughts in the night.i am making constant efforts to get rid of 'The Vicious Cycle Of My Memories'..i dont reason it out now anymore..i just ignore the thoughts….its there somewhere in my mind and i am sure i will be fine…
          So my dear…please make up ur mind..its better not meet him.Dont seek for the reason to break up.the more u try to seek things in this the more u feel sad.U may think u are strong to face him,but ask urself…u are still hurt…dont traumatise urself….just think its over…well,i am not expert in healing of hearts..but somehow i could relate myself with ur feelings here…u are precious and i dont want u to have that devastating experience….lets put a conclusion to this and try to move on.Trust me anna..i am really feeing fine from 1 week after i am in this blog…but i cant deny of feeling sad or lost…just keeping my faith in god and trying to look at the problem in the positive way….trust me once we are through with this..better life waiting for us>Just close ur eyes and say it urself…u are done with this guy and u dont care anymore about him……Even now if u are not convinced and if u wanna meet him…go ahead…we all are here to hold u up if u feel sad or down….and if u wanna talk i am always here…The regrt i have now is wish i could keep quite when she said she wanted to break up…and i could follow no contact rule…but its okie..make sure u are strong enough for this step…

  • anna

    hey can anybody from their experiences, help me. I am genuinely requesting for help..I really need it. Now that I have written everything in plain English, please do read it once and give me some advices.
    Thank you!

  • berny

    @Judy –
    Judy….thanks for ur message.Trust me tears rolled down my eyes as i was reading ur message.I will always remember u in my prayers and i am sure god does gives best things in life to best people like u.It feels so warm that someone whom i have never met cares about me so much and gives me such a warm advice.I will adhear to whatever u said judy.
    U are right,this girl was way too selfish.while leaving this country she had no one to take care of her cat,so i said i wil take care of her until she comes back.but now this cat reminds me of her and hurts me like hell.when i had called her she said..she will take the cat back when she comes back..i said i can not bear to see u and get hurt..she says i will be fine in 6 months,so she wants me to see her and give the cat to her…..but now i have decided to stick to eddie’s no contact rule…so one last time i messaged her saying ask ur friends to take ur cat away.it hurts me to see her..but she never replied.i am going to give the cat to hospital orphanage.she does not seem to have sentiments even for her pet how can i expect her to have sentiments for some guy……
    as of now i am avoiding to go to parties and take drinks,because after i drink i get way too emotional,upset and start crying,just like yesterday night….i just cry up to god and said,please give her back to me..i dont care even if she has 100 boy friends…i know i was being stupid….so no drinks until i get back to normal…
    i suffered a lot in these three weeks..however i started to going to gym and today morning i woke up and said to myself…its ur day berny..i had nice shower and gelled my hair…once i walked inside my research lab….i could see my lab manager smiling at me and saying….welcome back,its been month since i saw u this way…u look handsome….i felt so good….there are so many persons who take care of us….love us..admire us..why do v tend to waste our life behind one…..
    I will be alright in few days.i know as of now i am still hurt and sad within..but i am devoted catholic and praying to god to heal my heart and give me strength…and i am sure he will listens to me and i will pray for u all who is going through the similar situation like me.
    I will devote my self to eddie’s blogs…and i will prove that i will be the positive example who came out of his break up and being happy….remember me in ur prayers and thanks for ur support….keep blogging guys…
    @judy: can i ask for a hug ….u really made me feel so special…i will never forget u…

    • Judy

      Hi Berny!!
      I am so happy for you! See you will have good days!! With your attitude you will keep having more and more of them. I am so happy if anything I have said to you has helped. When I read posts from people going through what I did, it breaks my heart. I know that heartache is just life, but it isn’t fun. So, Thank you Berny for your kind words to me. I am so happy I could help. Trust me when i say…You will get stronger every single day. There could be some days that you take one step backwards and that is normal. We all have done that. But it is up to you to take two steps forward. In time you will see more and more about that person you once loved and why you are so much better off without them in your life. I think you are already seeing it now. I am glad you are taking the advice about the no contact rule. That is a big step, but well worth it in the end. If you feel that not going out and drinking is the best thing for you right now, then stick to it.
      I am not a expert on healing hearts. I can only speak of my own experience and try to help as much as I can. I am here if you want to talk again. Until then…enjoy yourself Berny! Keep smiling and trust me when I say….Everything happens for a reason. I promise..you will see the reason in time.
      Sending a big hug right back to you!! Thank you for the prayers my way. You are in my prayers as well. God works in mysterious ways…You will see why he brought you to this point. Trust that he will bring you through this. I use to ask God why is this happening? I couldn’t understand it….but I do now. You will as well.
      Take Care
      Judy

      • berny

        Hi judy,
        i am back again.I dont know whether i am leading to healing myself or i am in the same phase.Its been almost 40 days since i maintained NC.I dont know whether i am forgetting her…because i still think about her.I have made myself so strong not to call her or check her FB.But this betrayal is killing me.These thoughts are ruining my happiness.i just wonder how could people change with in days…how could anyone be so inhuman and hurt us this badly.When she spoke to me,she spoke to me like thrash.I dont think she ever remembered how i stood beside her in her tough times…but these days i get pretty good sleep,i woke up in the morning but getting up from bed is a challenge.These betrayal feelings kills me…why,how….such questions make me think of her every second….i know she does't deserve even a minute of my life…she is enjoying with her new bf….i would never wanna take her back….but may be my sub concious mind is stil thinking about it,i do get night mares about her…and it spoils my entire day….
        Now these thoughts are killing me.Because of this i am not able to concentrate on phd,i am scared i may loose this position and i may be thrown out from this institute….i dont wanna be a looser,and that too because of this girl…i dont wanna spoil my life.Studies are the only one thing i am good at.But from 2 months,i am not able to concentrate….If i am thrown out,i will be of no where..MY family have hopes on me and if i cant do this,i wont be able to show my face to them…..people will laugh at me that i ruined my career for some girl who just played around with me for 7 months…i am tired of fighting with myself,every moment i think i have be strong..this is happening for good….but until when i will keep fighting with myself….
        I see people getting recovered from break up even they had 5-10 years of relationship.but why i am not able to recover.
        i dont wanna loose my career..thats the only thing i have now..i hope someone could suggest me something..please help…

  • anna

    Hey guys!!…I can see there are people who have through this situation. Well, this was my first experience and I am really looking forward for some help. Please can anybody over here help me out. My entire story has been written in the above blogs. I know its too lengthy but this would make it easier for you to give clear suggestions. Please its a humble request.

    • skittles

      WOW!!! i honestly think you done everything in your power to make your ex realize that you love him. I dont think you should not meet up with him because it doesnt seem like he is in love with you he might love you as a person but is not in love with you. When men tell you they need space and are happy without you that means they dont feel the same way. I think your hurting yourself more trying to get him back i know its very hard but you need to let him go and accept he is no longer going to be part of your life i know its hard because im going through the same feeling i feel like my world just vanished and im sooooo in love with my ex but if the feelings aren’t mutual we cant do anything about it … Please take care of your broken heart and move on your going to go through alot of pain but i have faith we will go through it

    • berny

      @anna
      Hi anna…i read ur complte message.and i can understand what u are going trough right now….First of all i would like say…please dont meet him…what are u trying to prove by doing that.I did a similar mistakes as u did.It may sound rude,but let me tell u…if i put myself in his situation i would say…there is nothing called LOVE left in him for u…he does’t love u anymore…..everyone uses this word called ‘BUSY”..but do u really think anyone can be busy just to call and say..i miss u or i love u….its absolutely crap when someone says that.So please accept the fact its all over…u may still feel that i am wrong and u will get him back….but i am sure deserve better person that him.if some organ is maliganant,its better to ampute it rather than waiting it to spread to the whole body.It may be painfull when u loose that part,but yeah..eventually u will be fine….By saying this i am not trying to prove i am out of all my frustrations…but i have started to realize the fact and move on in our life….
      Let me tell u one thing…all those who got dumped in this blog are really beautifull persons within…..if we all were like heartless and inhuman like those who dumped us..we would be here…we knew wats love and selflessly expressed it….may be god has different plans and some bettter persons for us because we are maintained our human instintcs….
      Anna,just read my postings here and judy’s suggestions on them…i am not 100% happy..every second it makes me think of her..but yeah,i am not gonna give up.This is a chance for us to grow up.I am 26 now,and may be not much experinced in life..but i am considering this as a chance to grow up…
      U are truely beautifull person within anna..so try to realize it.i know its hard.But eventually u will feel it.This guy may come back to u after few months…but please dont entertain him….Even i had thoughts of commiting suicide…my friends messaged her saying he is killing himself…u know what she says…i dont care and i cant help him….what was my mistake…i loved her so much…she used to say she wants me to introduce me to her parents and come to india to meet my parents…but she found one more guy within 2 days of breakup…all i wonder now is…..was that love which she used to express all that…she never even felt little hurt after she broke up…Even i called her up for some mercy,her words were like i dont care even if u die….i felt like a thrash….but its okie..we never think of slef respect when we love someone…..its my 4th week of breakup..i have that emptiness in my heart….I am an indian living in korea…and in korea its hard for foreighners because of languge issue…i feel very loney..but its okie…i will get used to it..this a opportunity to grow up..
      So please wake up anna…this is not fair to hurt ourself and feel sad for persons who dont love us..and i am sure even this guy comes back..u will end up being no where after some time…u are doing post grad and be happy with that…its his fate that he can not finish his degree…if i was him i would love that moral suport which u provided…but this guy has no feelings left in for u..so please dont bother to meet him……just remember how ur pet greets u wen u come back home..or how happy ur mother or father sees u after long time and gives u hug…thats the love..thats the UNCONDITONAL LOVE…and thats the truth..just wait and pray u will get the one whom u deserve and he will love u more than u loved this guy….
      do something different..trust me it works..i go to gym and work out for 1 and half hours….honestly i remove my frustration there…then i joined salsa classes(i swear i never in my dreams i thought i could dance)…but i enjoy that….guess what..when learning salsa i never thought about my ex..mind was fresh….so keep ur self busy…god is looking upon us anna…he is right above u,having so much planned for future..let him decide what he wants to give u…dont force him to make the things which makes u sad….
      if u wanna talk more i am here always….hope i was being helpfull to u….
      i will pray for u and trust me…we will all be fine and happy soon….
      regards,
      roshan

    • http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

      Dearest Anna,

      I know how you feel, I really do.

      You’ve been fighting for him now for 4 months and he has NOT come back and I don’t think he ever will.

      I know this hurts like hell, but you really have to accept the fact that he’s gone.

      Calling him, seeing him, talking to his mom, checking his FB-Page will only hurt you more and more until the point where you get addicted to the pain (this actually happens a lot).

      Stop it now!

      Cut off all contact and start your healing now.

      There is no other way Anna, believe me.

  • anna

    Thanks Eddie. Thanks for your suggestions.

    • berny

      @anna…
      for some reason ur msg is't showing up here..but i got it in my e mail.Let me tell u u are too stubborn…:-)..gut good..i can understand ur passion behind this issue to settle down things in a nicer way.All i say is Go ahead…finish it off….trust me i am with u and all are here with u…but dont be too nice to him..be affirmative.Just look into his eyes and tell him thanks for teaching u such a big lesson…and u will have a better life without him…dont get panic or depressed in front of him.Trust me u will have better life anna…Please do keep me updated what happens..go ahead finish it off….I know how much u valued this relationship…so if u feel that u wanna close this in nicer way..go ahead..i dont think it would make any difference to that person…anf yeah..i suggest u to watch this movie 'Under the tuscan sun'(suggested by eddie)..trust me its a very beautifull movie..and do not miss even single dialogues…every dialogue is hard hitting…very inspirational for persons like me…i dont know whether i am giving u matured suggestion or not…but In this one month my brains got drilled like hell….and from one week i am glued to this website..reading
      everyone's problem….and just trying to realize 'who am i'…philosophical but yeah….i am being so thankfull to this relationship which made me kid to man…i am thankfull to everyone who stood beside me…and i am sure..i will be fine in few days…and anna…please finish this ASAP and get on with ur lovely life…end of the tunnel something good must be waiting for u…yesterday i visualized my whole future life with my ex..and i could't fix her anyways….as judy said..i became honest my self…On easter eve i had asked god to give me strength to have 'trust' in relathionship.And right after that my ex broke up with me….may be god wanted me to teach this lesson 'trust' with the person whom i really derserved it….but mine is just 7 months relationship…and i understand how does it feel being in 5 years relationship…but dont worry..we all are here for u…i am sure u will do well…keep me updated girll..:-)….will pray for u so that u will be strong….

  • anna

    hi Berny! I know you are right. I know that if il cum to know the reason, i mean whether there is some one else or any other reason, either ways it will hurt me. But yes i don’t feel more hurt now, coz as compared to when it was the 1st two months of my break up, I was really depressed but slowly slowly I feeling happy now. but you know what I just bothers me a lot that this relation has been ended up in big mess, I really treated this relation like my baby so this hurts me badly, I mean if he really wanted to end up everything then he should have ended up gracefully.I know sometimes we don’t get things the way we want. But I want to meet him properly and I want to make that meeting possible without any fights and shit so that nobody keeps bad feelings for each other. I just can’t resist this feeling that such a big relation came to an end like a smoker crushes his cigarette under his foot. So just for the sake of my relation I want to meet him nicely so that I can close this chapter in a nice way. i know this very well that he might treat me badly that day also if I meet him, I know this last meeting will hurt me, but I am prepared for that. At least it would make me happy that the last meeting i captured with him was a nice one. Well I would love to have suggestions from you on this. I am not 100% prepared right now to meet him. I want to have at least 1 week to prepare myself fully. Well I am following No contact rule.It really works. I don’t have any contact with him from last one month, I am really feeling fine but this thing bothers me a lot. Well i totally agree with you Berny regarding this website, this initiative by Eddie is so wonderful. i admire him for that.
    And yes I know how you must have felt after knowing what your ex did right after the break up. That’s really hard to handle. But you are a strong person and faced everything. That’s why I wanted to take this step of meeting him and for this I know I have to be strong. Lets see!…
    thanks again for responding. Thanks a lot!… coz i really wanted to have some mature suggestions on my situation since long.

  • Nicah

    HI Eddie,

    I have a question about what you have posted “Calling him, seeing him, talking to his mom, checking his FB-Page will only hurt you more and more until the point where you get addicted to the pain (this actually happens a lot).” I remeber the topic “desensitazation” in our psychiatric subject. This technique is about gradual exposure to threatening or hurtful things until anxiety decreases. As we all know that once we're broken hearted we experience anxiety and panics that usually if not controlled imade us beg,cry or even contact our ex. My friend used this technique. She let herself be expose to hurtful things like for example she let herself see or spy her ex and thr new girl. Instead of avoiding both of them, she really intended to even say hi to his ex and the new girl everytime they met in school. She even continue to listen to sad music and watched sad movies. For her this style will gradually decrease the effect of pain. Her point is that as you gradually expose to hurtful things bout your ex one day you'll be able to adjust and get along until it hurts no more. Is she correct Eddie?

    • http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

      Hi Nicah, yes I'm familiar with this technique, however I do NOT recommend it. I tell you why:

      My friend the psychiatrist told me back then that it was possible to make a leap forward in my healing if I tried this. And so I did: I tortured myself with pictures, videos and songs with her for hours. It was supposed to numb me into recovery, I was 6 month AFTER the breakup and 5 month no-contact.

      What can I say, I did NOT work for me. It threw me back for months and devastated me completely. It was like trying to get used to pain by getting kicked in the face for hours.

      It didn't felt right, so I usually don't recommend it.

      • Nicah

        Tnx for the reply Eddie.

  • breakdown47500

    My girlfriend broke up with me a month and half ago. It was the worst feeling ever, I sat in my room and cried for the whole afternoon.

    Let me tell you how my relationship was.

    I met my ex 2 years back through the unlikeliest of ways; through football and ever since then we started to talk to each other every single day for hours on end. We realized that we shared so many things in common and sometimes the both though it was so unlikely that this could have happened.

    The problem about this was that she was a Muslim girl and and I was a Catholic boy and back home in my country if I were to marry her eventually I would also have to convert to be a Muslim; my parents would definitely be disappointed as I only convert to Catholicism a few years prior to that. Despite this problem, I led my ex on we would go out almost everyday to watch movies, have meals and even take just long drives. It was the best time of my life; somehow deep inside she and I knew that it had to end.

    Thus a few months later I had to go to the UK to study and I left her back home. Throughout the period of 9 months I was in the UK I spoke to her almost everyday on Skype and on MSN. Sometimes I would even call her just to hear her voice. She was literally the best thing ever that happened to me.

    When I graduated from the UK I went back home. We were still seeing each other and one day she asked me; 'where is all of this going' So I thought that I would make if official that we were a couple. The first 6 months of being official were just plain amazing and since she was my ever first love the bond that I thought I had with her was so strong. I would sometimes just cry to myself because I miss her so much.

    The following year the both of us then went to the UK to study together. She was in one town and I was in another. Due to my coursework, I tried my best to see her at least once a month and this is where things got really rocky.

    On the day she broke up with me, she told me saying that I never made her feel special i.e. holding her hand when we went out, carrying her bag etc. I feel that this is such petty reasons. She was a whole different person and she was not the person that I had fallen in love in.

    When the break up had happened, she did it one day before my final exam and it was the most distraught thing ever. I found it really hard to concentrate on my studies as I was thinking about what I could have done to safe the relationship as I really did love her and I thought she was my everything.

    I therefore made the effort to go and see her ( while this being still in the UK). When I went there, I brought flowers, chocolates, a card and even did the whole sign thingy( if you remember from Love Actually) and played her favorite song to it. The whole time she just stood there and just looked at me; she eventually came up to me and gave a kiss on my cheek and told me straight in the face ' You shouldn`t have done all of this'. At that point of time I thought I had a chance to get her back since she did not show any signs of rejection or anger.

    Things however got worst. When I went to see her I even wrote a very long letter explaining my actions and what mistakes that I did and I think that made her really cold towards me. Because the both of us had mutual friends we would tend to make dinner together ( say 4-5 of us). I tried helping my ex in the kitchen and she got upset she told my other friend why on earth was I doing this for?

    Days went pass as I was in my ex's place for a week or so. I tried my best to care for her but she did not want to budge. Eventually I found out the truth which hurt so bad, she already had found someone else but she was keeping it on the low.

    The thing that I would never forget would be, that one evening my ex and me were sitting in a room and I thought I tell her how I felt that I was going to move on in my life. When I was telling her all of that, she had the cheek to go and skype and chat with her so called new love interest in front of me. Who did she think I was? Some fool? I saw it with my own eyes and she was basically flirting with him. Talking about now even hurts. I was so angry that day that I started to swear at her and call her a slut after I left the room, and never ever before had I cussed at her.

    After I left my ex's place, I went back to my university as I had enough of all of this and I felt that my life was being consumed day by day. I decided not to speak to her and then one day she messaged me on MSN asking how I was. I knew that I should have not replied to it but I did because I thought we could still have been friends as she was the best thing ever. She then told me that she would always love me and I would always have a place in her heart. When I heard that , it make me really happy but then the pain came again a few days later.

    I then thought that we could still have had the chance to be friends so I messaged her on MSN thinking we could still talk and that is when she became very cold towards me. All her replies were just one word. Upon reading that, I felt hurt again. I have come to realized that this is all not worth it at all.

    2 weeks from that period, I was on facebook on and off and I saw that this new bf of hers was writing on her wall and he even left certain dates on her wall; which definitely confirmed my suspicions that she was going out with him. He tagged her in videos and even put hearts next to it. I was so guttered when I saw it.

    A few days later, I logged into facebook and I saw that the both of them openly published that they were both in a relationship( after a month breaking up with me). I was so hurt I thought I was going to go mad. Instead of confronting her I complained to her floormate and that girl had to go and tell her. I compared my ex to a slut as I was feeling so jealous and hurt. I also felt how on earth could she have done this to me when she use to tell me that ' we were the perfect fit' . My ex then found out about this and we have a huge argument there. She cussed and swore at me and throughout all of this time I felt so hurt and I felt so sad, that the person that I once loved turned out to be like that. She told me things like she did not owe me a explanation and that I should have had the guts to go and confront her. It was nasty.

    I would never ever forget the last line in which she told me ' once you have found some self respect, then you can come back to me. as we had a deal that we will always be friends'. I mean if you were really my friend would you have sad something like that ? This happened last Sunday.

    Sometimes I feel that I should go and apologize but after reading this website I am going to stick to the no contact rule. Like they say time will heal. I have to say that this experience has made me learn so much more about myself, yes we are at the end of the day human and we have imperfections but if we can learn something new about ourselves from each relationship then its good.

    After my ex broke up with me, I lost 5 kg and I hardly ate for 3 weeks. I did not have any motivation to do anything, even my favorite pass time of going to the gym was out of sight. I have recently regained a little of my self esteem back in the past week or so.

    Despite this, the feelings of hurt come back when the memories return when the both of us use to have such a good time together. Where we would just lie in bed and cuddle the whole day and listen to really nice music. But that was not mean to be. I have to get this mindset out.

    What I have learnt from this is how to love and to be loved which is the best feeling in the world. And forgetting all sweet moments that you had with this person and the kisses and cuddles. I have learn to love as my ex was my first love.

    I will be positive and be strong so that I can move on in my life and eventually I know that I will find someone like her or even better than her.

    Remember that for every break up you go through there will always be another person waiting for you.

    To all those who are in pain, don`t worry as we are all in the same boat. Look up your old friends, family and go do something just to keep yourself occupied even if it means doing something really silly like for me watching trashy reality tv. It helps trust me. Remember also not to neglect your health.

    At the end of the day why feel sorry for yourself as it just goes to show that you are giving power to your ex to hurt you. Move on in life so that you can show them that you are a whole brand new you. Go for haircut, a manicure, buy new clothes etc. :) It helps

    Don`t worry everyone, time will heal and all will get better :)

    • berny

      @breakdown47500
      dear friend…i guess even i had the similar situation like u.But my relationship was only for 7 months….However,u are so true that we feel sorry to ourself for giving them so much of power to destroy our life or hurt us…It looks more devastating that they are with someone else and move on in life so easily…think of old times..about the promises they do like 'we both are perfect and i am the best thing happend to her in life..i just wonder how people break up'….i guess all of us listened to these words and fall for it and give our life in thier hand….i had to listen to the same insulting things as u did bro…however i feel,when we love someone if we never think about self respect or self esteem.If we had thought about it,then we would never be telling our stories.listen to this line which my ex told me 'i dont wanna be part of ur life,i wanna be ur life'…and what happend now.she is openly living with someone else .It really hurts looking through the past.But u are right..everyday if becomes less.I broke up 1 month ago…but i feel i have grown up in this one month…its getting hard to get back to my research..as i am doing my phd…but i am trying to get back to my schedule..keeping myself busy…but my friend..everyone gets back what they have done..this is life…but i would suggest u not to accept her if she comes back..even i made up my mind.even if she comes back i am sure things will be more worser than now.BEcause its hard to trust whatever they say.we have been separated with such a great force and that same force is trying to give us something good and worthy.I feel breakup is essential in everyone's life…its a excersice to one's heart and lesson to learn….and its such a lesson we should learn it rather than getting into rebound relationships…it was nice to read ur story….i will pray for u…even i am a catholic.u read read what i went through in this couple of days in my prevoious postings….we will be strong my friend…

      • Nicah

        You're definitely right berny:-)

        • berny

          Thanks nicah…this is life and i would never have such thoughts if i had not broken up.Eddie is always right..he says its good to have a breakup,which helps us to overcome ur mistakes and make u a better human being…and yesss….folks…be happy that u broke up with the wrong person.If he/she was right u would never broken up.This happend just because god wants us to meet right person..this is my perception now..cheers…..

    • Nicah

      It seems like we're on the same situation, the only difference is that I'm a girl and you're a guy. But honestly we're on the same situation. It's almost one month and two weeks that I haven't texted or called my ex but last thursday we chatted once in ym, a huge mistake why I did replied on him. But I forgive myself for that I know its normal to think that I need to reply to him because I don't wanted him to think that I don't care for him anymore. But enough is enough no more reply from me next time, I wanna pick up myself up off the floor firts. I think I had given my best to make everything work out again but then he still chooses to leave me and hurt me. Everyday is a tough day but I also see an improvement in myself. My self esteem is getting better little by little. As of now I don't want new bf automatically, the're were guys who wanted to court me but I told them honestly I wanna heal firts my broken heart since I don't wanted to be unfair to myself and to next guy. If my ex chooses to be with her new gf now even they are in a long distance relationship then that's his choice. I know someday I will not be affected with them anymore. I will not be jealous nor hurt anymore and I'll be proud to stand in front of my ex being strong and being a new me who's not dependent on him anymore. I know there's a big future ahead of me. YOu too breakdown47500, you'll be okay and you will see and realize that you deserve much better. NO regrets if we loved or care for them at least we did our best. Take care.

      • breakdown47500

        I have read your story and I know how badly you were affected by your breakup. I can feel your pain trust me.Yeah I guess we are in the same boat.

        I know I will overcome this one day but I guess not so soon.

        I was on facebook last night and I saw that even the both of them are calling each other by the term of endearment that I used to call my ex and that they were even planning to have a dinner with all my mutual friends as well and to go out for a night. Seeing that hurts cause I use to be part of that group.

        It hurts you know, cause sometimes you feel that that term of endearment was just for 'her' and I feel that she has no right to use it. But I know that she is not mine anymore, and I have to let go. My initial reaction upon seeing it really did hurt me.

        I really know that I should not be bothered honestly but it comes.

        I am really happy that your willing to give your heart time to heal from this pain. See it this way Nicah, that we are brave enough to face our inner demons by OURSELVES unlike our exe's who already have a companion. I believe that they just want to mask the pain of a break up. Trust me, it will haunt them one day. I know this sounds mean but this is what I tell myself everyday. Like they say what goes around comes around. Karma.

        • Nicah

          Breakdown47500 were really on the same boat:-) My ex and his new gf, they were calling each other by the term of endearment we used to do. That is why one time he sent me the wrong message, a sweet message that I thought it was for me but I was wrong, it was actually for the girl, a great slap on my face. So stupid, he was supposedly send the message for the new girl but then he sent it to me. I don't think if that was intentional or as he was typing that message maybe he's still thinking of me. That happend two weeks after I knew about the girl. I knew it that the message was not for me because I asked him why he sent me that kind of sweet message and what does it means. He honestly admitted that the message was not for me and he said sorry for the wrong sent. After what happend, I changed my number because I don't want another wrong sent message from him again. It kills me inside. As you can see by what he did it seems like he's in a rebound, he's coward to feel pain that is why he jumped into a new relationship that's his style. And one thing he told me his heart goes for me but his mind goes for the new girl. I just got confused the first time he said that to me but I know it was his way to make me feel good or for me to experience lesser pain but in the end he just don't know how I was hurt. I can't imagine him having a long distance relationship with the new girl, when we were still together he would complaint if we'll not be going out at least once a week. THe girl lives next town but then she goes to other country for job maybe for two years contract. Now it would be a great challenge to him and bad news he added me on the facebook yesterday. I haven't added him nor ignore him, I made his request to be pending. Should I accept his invitation or not? I'm afraid what if he'll be using me as back up or comforter now that he's gf is away. Give me some advice please. He's really distracting my recovery. I know he's super okay I can see it.He moved on so fast. I would like to show him that I'm also super okay but then I'm faking myself. What should I do?

          • berny

            @Nicah…
            This guy does't deserve u.and i am sure he does not have any regrets for what he has done.U better ignore the facebook request.As u said his gf is going out of the country he needs some shoulder for support.and he knows that u are easily accessible as of now.ans hen he finds someone else,he will repeat the same thing again.Are u ready to face this pain again???…SO dont make a fool out of urself .Once glass is broken but u cant blent it and look like before….Ask one thing to urself…u loved ur guy,inspite of he cheated upon him,u still have feeling for him.I know this is love.But what about that guy,he easily moved on with other girl.Do u call this love.i dont think he suffered even single day.if he had loved u even he could have waited for the misunderstanding to clear…Nicah,ignore the FB request…i know u are not super okay now.But just give a time.u will be fine…stick to no contact rule…or else healing will take time… else u will again get back to square one…u deserve someone better…feel the pain,trust me there is a reason behind it….its just making u face reality in life and u will be strong..i went through it and it breaks my heart to see anyone getting cheated or dumped…so be strong.

          • Nicah

            Thanks for the advice Berny. Last night I cried a lot. I was really hurt. The whole day was a tough day. I almost called him, thank God I haven't. I was thinking if I'll call or text him again I'm sure he's cold and cruel, not the same person who loved and cared for me. Do you experiece the feeling of wanting to have them back but then you also know there's no point of turning back. He's not the same person I used to know. I thought I was okay after one month and 3 weeks but then the shaky moments came back. My stomache every morning returns and also the nightmares. I felt anxious everytime I imagined he's with his new gf. Berny how could I handle being not jealous with his new gf?

          • berny

            Nicah…i can understand what u re going through.Trust me i am in the same situation even after one month and one week.I made myself strong these days and i was quite okie.This morning i had a dream about her…i had all the passion in that dream and i accepted her back..i did not wanted to open my eyes,thinking it was real.There i go…all efforts have been in vain.I was back to square one with this got damn dream…whole day i was sad.but i just spoke to few of my friends…not about this issue..just some stupid things and tried to laugh and i am normal…i know how it pains to imagine ur ex with this new gf.But its a reality.lets face it.I still shiver when i think of my ex in another guy's arm.But i make myself calm down by thinking that….'let that dirt not effect me'.I am very pure and i was honest to her.And tell it to myself..do what ever u guys wanna do.But i am so superior that never in my life i am gonna see ur face.My friends say that 'she will surely come back to me once this new guy ditch her,during that time u just enjoy with her…But a BIG 'NO” from my end.I dont wanna make myself dirty with this worthless people.I know those who are reading this can consider , me being very irrational and stupid.But i guess this is the way i handle myself to calm with this situation.So nicah,u were with such a person who did not deserve u.be happy that he is out of ur life.I know its not easy to digest the fact this guy is being with someone.just consider he is just a damn dirt and he is only fit for this.Dont think ur ex was very kind person.If he was kind, u would't have been writing about ur pain here.I sometimes still feel…i want my ex back in my life..i dont care whomever she is with now.But i tell it to myself….i deserve someone better.and i pray to god that i hope she never comes back in my life.U dont need this guy nicah.If u accept him,i am sure again u will end up making ur life a tragedy.U gave the best to him in his life…but if people like this who are worthless piece of shit,be thankfull that they are out of ur life.Thats the way i live.Its hard to forget them.But please do something which u have never done before…it helps….i am going to salsa classes.and trust me i forget this person sometimes for 5 minutes…and i feel 'wow'..i can do it..i just did't think about her 5 minutes….and gradually u forget it.Please dont try to reason out anything which happend in the past.because u will again get into depression.Trust me on this….just imagine….there is some person,who is just waiting for u..who is as equally as good as u. and understands u and loves u more than u do…just give it a time and god will lead him to u…When pain becomes unbearable,lets enjoy it.Because this is making us to meet the best person and also making us the better person to live.U are truely beautifull within…and u never tried to hook up with anyone to forget him.That shows what kind of person u are…Dont feel jealous about that girl,she must be knowing that u were his ex.But even then she is big time having fun with this guy…i feel sorry for her…because she does't know with whom she is with now.Everyone gets back what they have done in this life…and trust me life is a boomrang…today or tomorrow they will get what they deserve.Rather than being in anxious and painfull situation,try to have fun my dear..there is reason behind it.Never forget how amazing u are and how beautifull person u are…we all love u and everyone around u, loves u.Just delete this guy from ur life…and please please please dont call him.I did a mistake and i got insulted for no reason.I just said i am sorry and hung up the phone.If u call up,i am sure u wil again have a terrible days.This chapter is over…u will have good days my dear..try to do something innovative….when u go to bed..just hug urself and say…wow i am so special and i am only meant for that prince charming in my life.I am sure u wil feel good….please take care of urself….lets not screw up our life for such people…At the End of a tunnel there is always light….i will pray for u and u be strong…:-)

          • Nicah

            Thank you for your reply beryn, as I was reading your advices it touched me and made me cry.Thanks a lot. It had open my eyes. I can see that you're strong person. MMhhh . .One last question berny how important not viewing his profile in facebook is?

          • berny

            Nicah…let me tell u one thing clearly…No contact rule means that this person is dead for u…u are compltely throwing this person out of life.And we should also realize that its the best thing we can do for such worthless piece of shit…I stopped viewing her facebook from past 2 and half weeks and i am keeping fine.i dont have any urge to look into that thrash.We all are far better without them and we dont need inspiration from them to live.I almost looked into her facebook for around 3 weeks….and everytime i used see her status msg or pictures..i used to reason out things with that…there it ignities the 'The Vicious Cycle Of My Memories'..which is the most dangerous thing.and we wil not heal easily.First lets stop reasoning about past…i dont reason out now.i have realized it over.My current situation is just haunting memories…but its getting less day by day.Be strong nicah and stop viewing his facebook.just block him off.the sooner u do this,earlier u will get over.It worked out for me and i am sure it will work out for u too…Our suffering does not make difference to these guys.The more u show u are sad,it makes them feel good….so just cut off every contact.and throw him out of ur life….u will be fine nicah..dont worry.Once again..please stick to no contact….there are lot of better people around us than our ex's…plz watch 'under the tuscan sun'..it will make u keep a smile on ur face….

          • Nicah

            Berny as you said no contact rule means this person is dead to you, so we'll ignore them totally. In that case are we not also teaching them to live without us and to completely delete us from their lives?. .

          • berny

            Nicah…
            First thing..about no contact rule.Yes that person is dead for us.and i dont know whether we are teaching them to live thier life without us..it should be none of our concern what happens to them.Let me tell u onething,this guy is going around with someone else.i am not sure whether this guys was intestested in her when u were there with him or not(similar in my case with ex).But now the fact is they are out and they are living happpily with this new relationship.I know its hard nicah,but trust me..i don think they even think about us,even if they do we are remained as a joke for them to talk about us.I am not telling u to lower ur self esteem.But lets look it in the other way….which i believe is right….they are not making a joke of us,but they are making a joke of themselves.i feel pity to them.first of all so soon they get someone else and fall in love(!!!) and they think this is the beautifull relationship they are having.Nicah,when things are fresh, everything looks so beautifull and perfect.but let the time go on.and i am sure..trust me on this..they will realize they did a mistake.But lets not entertain such an assholes in our life.They made 1000 promises when they were with us and now they dont care.and i am sure until they get screwed they will never remember what we did to them…we loved them selflessly.But they just did not deserve it.Just like u i went through lots of shit in this one month.i lost my weight,i was hospitalized and things like that..but did it make a difference to them?.My friends carried me to hospital when i lost my concious in the night of break up.because i had cried non stop…when i looked into my friends now,tears rolls down from my eyes…that i have so many people who loves me so much.Just because some worth less piece of shit we worry.I read somewhere in eddie's blog…'just like our physical wounds heal,even our hearts also will heal'…i suffered a lot nicah..lets put an end to this.And i am sure one day u will thank eddie for no contact rule.because i am sure u will find someone just like how u are.make up ur mind…we are not kids anymore,this is our got damn life and lets not screw it for anyone.Our life is not that cheap that anyone can walk in and screw it up.Dont even give a second thought.Think of me..i have her cat with me,which she asked me to look after until she back to this country…but now she is not bothered..i am looking after that cat and this girl is having fun roaming all over aus with her new BF.but its okie…its just a animal.it pains seeing the cat.But i am not heartless as she is.I respect myself within saying 'berny u are really a god person,that u are still taking care of her cat inspite of she screwed me up big time,and god is looking at me and he will bless me'…just throw that book away…if he had really loved u he would not have made u suffer so much.even if he had loved u,but what kind of person is he who can easily get carried away with some other girl….do u wanna be in arms of such guy???.. its a insult to u to be even touched from him….I got a mail from her today,and my heart came into my mouth…i did not read it..i was thinking 100 times and i pressed delete button…and i am feeling great now…I DID IT…i compltely threw her out of my life.i want some one who is stable and knows the meaning of love…not the one who can move around with anyone within 2 days.i am not telling it to myself..its the same thing in ur case too nicah…and if this was true love,let it find u.U block every contact…if they love u,they will find a way to get back.But do u think
            its gonna happen???…the moment they get pain in relationship..they will keep finding new one.Just go to the terrace and scream ur lungs out ' i am free now..i am free from this freaking asshole'…so lets not bother whether we teach them to live without us.Now its all about 'ME'…how i should live and how i should make my life beautifull.And lets be thankfull that we got to learn a lesson which is helping us to be better person…
            And i am happy u got urself a new dress…there u go girl,u are stil the same…as beautifull as ever.nothing has changed.just a pain in heart,which wil heal soon.trust me.In fact i did the same thing lately,got myself new dress and spent some bucks on shopping and i am taking care of myself better than before…pamper urself..get some juice and tell it to urslef…u are my body,i will not let u get trashed away because of someone and eat healthy food and look healthy.People around me are saying that i am looking better these days.But i learnt a lot this one month.I started to love myself.and i am sure..one u start to love urself…just let me know the difference.My research was getting patented and it was great news for me.But because of this break up..it did not make any difference.even i lost few happy moments just like u did.we tend to get pushed back sometimes..just while ago i was thinking about the time we spent with each other and how she used to wrap her arms around me..but then i threw that thought away…i dont wanna get myself dirty again…..
            Lots of things come inside our mind now.we tend to frame thier future like how we want.stop doing it..and stop cursing him:-)…u cant curse anyone who is already cursed.Its not too late…please..please…dont meet him…..
            i know i am talking too much….but nicah i am feeling fine these days..and dont do the mistake of meeting him.u will heal..unknowingly it wil come down…its happening for good….there is a reason….if u wanna talk more..i am always here…take care of urself..remember..pamper urself more and more….just enjoy the attention people give u when u look good…dont fall for them until u are compltely get over this guy….its the time to be happy..:-)

          • Nicah

            Thank you for your reply berny I really appreciate it:-)

          • Nicah

            Lots of people and friends told me that I became more blooming in my physical looks:-). It made me happy realizing that my grooming came back I mean taking care of myself and having some effort to make myself beautiful lol. Last monday I wear a new nice dress. I got new hairstyle and new pair of shoes. My workmates appreciated it. Suddenly it came into my mind what if I call him so that he will see how pretty I am now without him. I still have one of his book because I was not able to return it to him. Supposedly my plan was I will call him via telephone instead of texting him so that he will not be able to know my new cellphone number then I will told him ” hey I still have your book forgot to return this to you can we see each other so that finally I can return this to you'' then if he will answer yes, we'll see each other and he'll see me looking good. Thank God I was busy and the plan in my mind was distracted. I wasn't able to call him. That night I made a deep thinking about my plan. I was analyzing the pros and cons of my of it. Some part myself made me realize that if I'll do that, yes he will see me loooking good seems like I'm okay but in fact I'm not so I'm just faking myself, fooling myself. And myself also told me that after seeing him it will only hurt me, will make me sad and it will make me feel empty like what happen before when I asked him we'll meet to discuss about why he did this to me (bout the third party). As of now I'm trying to understand and say to myself that let's be beautiful not for him but for yourself. My self esteem is so low, after I passed the nursing licensure exam and become a registered nurse that's the time I knew about the girl. It's a great slap on my face. I wasn't able to enjoy that blessing, the time I knew I passed the board exam because my focus was to fix our relationship. I wasn't able to enjoy our thanks giving party because whole night during the party my focus was checking my cellphone if he replied after I texted him and inforemed him that I am in the party but then he did not replied, it hurts me. That gave me a lesson. Expecting a message from him hurts and only wasted my time. This year he will also be taking the board exam for nurses. At first when I was consumed with anger I curse him and hoping he'll failed in the exam but I was thinking what if he'll pass the board?it will hurt me because I haven't meet my expectation so I decided to let go of the whatever the result is. If he pass then good if he will not pass then good too. At least in that way I'm preparing myself whatever success arrives in his life. And now I decided that if ever I'll meet him again I'll make sure I'm over him and not wanting to be in his arms again.

          • berny

            And one more thing….its not UR LOSS….ITS HIS LOSS….just remember this and say it to urself….

    • leirun

      wow, this sounds a little bit like my story, i was in a long relationship too with ex and would talk on skype all the time, i feel sad…

  • leirun

    I don't even know were to start, i cannot even call him my ex, i dont even what that my attached to the word ex or boyfriend. I am so dissapointed and hurt,he acted as a completely different person, not the one that cared about me and loved me… I dont know how im gonna get through this, all i know is that i have to… i broke the no contact rule today after a month of no contact, i was doing ok i guess, but deep inside i was hoping that we would end up talking things over. I know that he doesnt want to be with me anymore, he made his choice, yet i still wish he would come backkkkkkkk!! why?? i feel like i have no self esteem!! Ive been going out with my friends, taking care of myself and then just like that i did it, i called him, i felt like i needed to say what he didnt allow me to say when he broke up with me.. and also i didnt want to regret not calling him in the future. He was as cold and as he was the day he broke up with me.. i couldnt believe it. Yet in a way is better that he did that so that it finally sinks in my head and in my heart that he is gone for good.

    Ours was a long distance relationship, we were together for two years, i traveled several times to the country were he was. The last time i was there he seemed witdrawn, i discovered some things that made me question if this was the right person for me, when i confronted him he would deny everything and would get really upset at me! basically i know that he is not the person i want in my life and yet, this is so hard, i was willing to work things and thats what makes me even feel angrier,and that he didnt want to work it out!! i dont even know how to feel, im so confused all i know is that i need to move on and deal with this feelings for god knows how long, i just want this to be over!! I want to wake up!! its like a nightmare!!

    • skittles

      I know the way your feeling i was in a long distance relationship my ex was locked up for 18 months and after that were together for 5 months because he couldn't transfer back to his state home and then a couple weeks ago when he got locked up for a DUI i found out he was cheating on me, yes i waited for nothing we were engaged and 3 months later he cheated on me and grew feelings for the other women i put up with him 5 years and it was a rollercoaster, i started noticing he was not the same one month prior getting locked up he wouldn't call me often he would only call me twice for about 5 minutes and text me here and there he started going out and i had a feeling he was cheating and i was right so if he changed with you then he might be cheating and last week i begged him to be with me but he said NO cause he wanted me out there when he would get release and i wasnt going to leave my career, family and my whole life to be with a man i dont like ….. im in love with him but he is not the man for me we are sooooooooooo different but i fell in love with him i know the feeling i'm going through so much regret but i have faith and i know you feel like ur never going to find love i feel the same way i use to get so sad when all my friends had a date for valentimes day and i was stuck at home waiting on his call cause of his stupid choices i went so many days without him and when i thought we were finally going to start our lives together he gets locked up and found someone to replace me my world vanished but i have no choice but to move on its the best !so hang in there we all feel your pain

      • leirun

        Thank you for your kind words skittles, i feel better today though, ive been processing this whole brake up situation and i feel stronger, at least now i know that the only way out is to continue moving forward, i cannot force him to be with me so im letting go. We cannot do this to ourselves, we must move on expecting the best. Its obvious that they are not willing to compromise or to be in a comited relationship, in that sense we outgrew them, we must move on to make space for someone who is willing to stick around like us not only when things are great but also when things get difficult. I know that right now im having a good day and that maybe tomorrow will be different, all we can do right now is to hold on to this moments of strenght and know that we are ok, that we can do this. This is an opportunity for us to grow and rediscover ourselves again. We can do this.

    • Strangern

      My story too is simmillar to urs.. i liked ur last words “i just want this to be over!! I want to wake up!! its like a nightmare!! “.
      We had an intense desire for each other of every thing but sarcastically we never had even touched each other. We had talked abt every thing but never said the 3 golden words. Dont know wat it was.. but finally tat had to come to an end…

  • shawn

    My life is in shreds, feeling totally lost and heartbroken again. Im a gay man who only seams to be able to cope and function while in a relationship. Me and what was my current partner were together for 3 yrs and just came back from holiday a couple of weeks ago. Everything seamed ok with us from my point anyhow, yes a few problems and annyoying things my partner did. My biggest problem was I didnt have a life without him, we did everything together and I was lost if ever he went out, I would just sit at home and wait for him.

    This last weekend he was going out on friday night without me, which made me very uncomfortable and it brought it home to me that I had no friends or interests. What was I going to do, I didnt want him to see me as this pathetic person with no life or friends ?? An aquantance of mine offered to go out with me for the evening, however on arriving deciced he would rather just stay in at mine for the evening and watch videos.

    At the end of the Friday night, my friend left and my partner returned from his night out. On saturday morning my partner had suggested that we stayed in together on saturday night, something that we always did anyway. I was upset as I felt like I was his lapdog, in that he could go out when he wanted and make plans around me knowing I was always there. I said to him this time, actually I was planning to go out with my friend for a meal and that I needed to do it so I had a life and some friends. He seamed unhappy that I was going out, and I dont think he could understand that I was actually trying to do something positive for me and our relationship. He said “Fine” he will call his friends and will go out – he seamed quite pi**ed off with me.

    Saturday evening came and he went out again, I was sat waiting for my friend to come but he cancelled. I was sat fealing like billy no mates again and had no options of anything I could do on my own. In the end I forced myself out of the house into town, to visit the local gay bars which I wasnt a fan off, I did this as I dont feel comfortable anywhere else like say the cinema or a straight bar.

    I didnt enjoy my evening out, all alone and feeling so uncomfortable but I thought I had to go out. 3am came and I thought its time to go home, prior to arriving home I was looking forward and hoping that my partner was going to be there. I walked through the door and he wasnt there which I was surprised about as he had a late night the evening before.
    I checked my mobile for a msg or txt from him but nothing, I waited and checked the time. I knew there were no nightclubs open at this time and begun to worry, I left it a bit longer before deciding to call him. I called him and got no answer, I called his mother as supposedly he had gone out with her, no answer from her either. I was now very worried as to what could of happened, as we allways keept in touch. I keept trying to get in touch but nothing, then as time went on, i started thinking he most of met someone and gone home with them as I knew he wasnt that happy with me. I sent him a msg saying if ur still out with your mother dont bother coming home tonight. I was hoping that this would provoke a call to me but nothing.

    On sunday morning about 9.30 am he came home, and asked in a very guilty looking way why didnt I want him to come home. I was furious with him and told him we were finished and that I wanted him to move out of the house ASAP. I guess I was hoping for a damm good explanation as where he was, and why he didnt care enough for me to let me know what was going on. I never got this explanation, and he left back to his mothers, a few hours later he came back and started packing at which point I wondered if I had overreacted. I explained to him how i felt and what i was thinking, I asked him not to go and appologised, he still left.

    Severall days on now, I am regretting my behaviour and are wanting him to come back and see if we can sort this situation but he wont talk to me. I want him back and cant bare to think its all over between us. I now sit hoping for that call or txt from him but nothing comes, with each day that goes past I think and fear that is the end.

    Ive sent him some txts, and had one brief phone call with him in which he just wanted to ask for some money back from me for rent he had paid. I now sit totally heartbroken and wonder why he wont speak to me, I appologised for what I did and asked him how and what he would of done if he was in my situation.

    Should I assume this is the end with very little chance of him coming back or not ?

  • breakdown47500

    I would just like you guys to know that, its been 2 weeks since I have been here and I have been feeling so much better about myself.

    I have been definitely better about myself, I admit the feelings come and go once in a while.

    But you know what , its her loss and not MINE.

    I can even now look at her pictures and not feel hurt but felt that she made the MISTAKE and not me.

    I am feeling much of my old self and I believe that we all will fine true love one day. Really, I am so sure of it and that person will love us unconditionally like how we loved our ex's.

    Love finds you in the most of the unexpected ways.

    Don`t worry. Good days are truly ahead :)

    Listen to the song Ridin' Solo – Jason Derulo. Its so true.

    I have been watching romance comedies and they have also helped. If people can find love in movies why not in real life?

    Despite how things ended, I believe that one day I will talk to my ex but not now, not in 2 -3 months. Much much later, by then all the pain/ anger/ frustration would have subsided and yes I`ll be ready for the coffee conversation.

    I`ve forgiven her and there is no point of holding on to grudges

    She lives her life. I will live mine. Period.

    Stay strong everyone :)

    • Ben

      very well said..there loss..not ours.. and they will be the ones regretting it

  • jojo

    i made all those mistakes………….. any way to save myself now ? .. i called, text, emailed, and went by her place.. all the no nos.. i wish i had read this b/4 i done all this……………

    now i feel sorta stupid… but is there anyway to save myself now?

    • melie123

      Don't beat yourself up about it!! I did that too! Mostly text message, it was my way of fighting for someone I loved! That's what I thought I was doing anyway! He always kept that an open window, and made me think I actually stood a chance. I firmly believe in fighting for it til you personally can't fight anymore. I'm just glad I know for sure now instead of being on the wonder path! LOL Be proud of yourself that you tried! I am. =-)

  • Russ

    i've text and cried infront of her pleading for her not to leave,
    she does'nt give a definate answer just i'm enjoying doing my
    own thing, which kills me.

  • Alisha

    the sad put is i made all of them….. even sadder i was the “dumper”

    • Heilcm

      Oh Alisha, I hear you. I am the dumper yet I am coming off as desperate. It's like I think I may have dumped him to have him reaffirm my love because he's so emotionally unavailable, but it doesn't work….because he's a dick!

    • sarah

      same here! i left him, out of self respect, but then i couldnt go through with it and he did all he could to avoid me and get over me and i was the one panicking and begging and trying to reassure love.

      what's funny though is that i STILL cant see how pathetic it is, so im going to avoid it anyway because i know that pretty soon im going to wish i hadnt made these mistakes!

  • JD

    i got dumped by my boyfriend of 4 months…. he was leaving an 18 yr marriage when we met through a common friend and basically we just hit it off and had a whirlwind romance… everything went on too fast and the emotions and the commitment we had was so deep (at least that is what i thought so)… moving in together has been discussed (was his idea) as well as meeting the parents since we are both an expat…

    lots of plans and promises were made… and then some problems arises… i had some trust issues which he knows… i became so jealous of this girl cause he constantly flirts and chats with her,,, and i told him my issues… compromise was met but he didnt do his part and my doubts never went away… and then he just broke up with me.. giving me all this BS type of explanations that it is not right anymore, it was not my fault but his and a load of crap… we said our ammends, after a couple of weeks or so.. he started telling our friends that he likes this girl and he is asking her out.. and to add an insult to the injury, the girl even told me to move on cause my ex had, and that he was chasing her badly! and take note this girl is the issue that we had when we were together…

    I felt disrespected and really angry that they have to rub it in my face! i might have maintained contact with my ex before cause he wants us to be friends but after all those stuff that happened i completely blocked them from everything… I even turned up to his apartment(which is technically mine) to say my piece… and asked him to move out till the next day…

    i know i will be over him and that the thing we had is irrevocably damaged now… i had accepted that he will not be coming back but i just cant accept the kind of disrespect that he had shown to me infront of our friends..( him showing off his new girlfriend and i was even there at one point!)

  • rd

    all of them :D

  • JS001

    Last night i took anti-anxiety meds and then called my ex to come over cuz i just couldn't deal with everything. His voice was cold but he said he would come over. I basically told him that I'm cracking up and don't know what to do, and that it hurts me so much to know that he's out having fun while I'm in the ER cuz i can't deal with this shit. All he said is break up's suck and to take it one day at a time sometimes one foot at a time. I asked why we wern't togethere anymore and he said he just wasn't happy with the relationshio and basically got bored, and that he though i would get bored of him before he got bored of me! I feel dead inside with out him, so weak and I hate the times I spend alone, and when I'm with other's i wish they were him. I've been trying so hard this last month to get over him, but it hasn't really worked. I really just want to give up now and stay in bed. Whats the point i tried going out, got a new hair color and still feel like shit. I'm drained out, my tank is on empty. PLEASE HELP!

    • LostInLove

      I know what you mean, I have the exact same issues and I think I made all the misstakes on this page, so my question is: what now? I want to start over with misstake #1 but somehow that seems wrong. PLEASE HELP (me too)

  • Waterguitar

    I think number 3 is a complete lie, im still best friends with an ex from a 4 year long releationship.

    • Kay

      There's nothing wrong with being friends necessarily, but that HAS to be a mutual thing. If you both felt like the romantic connection wasn't there anymore and that you were both ready to go in new directions, then it is a lot easier to stay in each other's lives without bitterness or awkward feelings. Both partners must come to the realization that they really were never much more than friends to begin with (either from the beginning of the relationship, or for a long time towards the end).

      But when one is truly in love while the other has fallen out of love… friendships can never be healthy. In fact, they can even be harmful for both parties. The only time I think couples like that can be friends again is after several years when both have truly moved on. And even then, they can only stay acquaintances and not intimate friends, because the baggage prevents it.

  • Rupertsanfordscutt

    Wow, reading some of the posts on here, it is amazing how repetative and similar the majority of people act when leaving a relationship. And it seems to me that it doesn't have to be this way. The Sad thing is that the 'easy route' of lies and deception is often taken, unneccesarily and generally with much more painful outcomes in the long-term.

    My girlfried left me 4 weeks ago, totally out of the blue, without ever saying there was anything wrong with our relationship, after 8 years and 8 months. We are both 25 and met in high school. We moved to uni together in London from the town we were both from. From the moment we met it was always going to be forever and weddings and kids were talked about from very early on, by both of us. We lived for 6 years in london, where we were the happiest couple you could meet and did so much together, while both retaining our independence and own friends. Something that I think is important. We went to the theatre, cinema, restaurants, skking, diving, holidays, shopping, climbing…. the list goes on, together and had so much fun. We used to joke that when we were old we hoped we would die before the other so we wouldn't have to live without our loved one for even 1 minute.

    When i would be in the student union for post soccer drinks, i would then come out to my bike to find sweet notes on the saddle saying 'i love you rupe with all my heart, from your secret admirer xxx ps what do you wnt for dinner?' and stuff like that. She loved me so very much and never was interested at all in other dudes.

    My family moved to new zealand abut 5 years ago and in feb this year we moved over too. it wasnt forever neccessarily but i was to do my teacher training here and we could see if we liked the different lifestyle as we were both a bit disillusioned by london. I came over 5 weeks before her as she needed to stay in london for her masters graduation. when she arrived things were great.

    Then in May my mum left my dad after 30 years and 5 kids. Obv dad was devastated and especially as 2 days later she moved in with another guy (who had painted their house and sailed regularly with mum.) SO my dad and 13 year old bro moved down to the main city, Auckland to live with me, my gf and flatmate from london. It was cramped and after a few weeks we moved into a bigger place at the start of august.

    Meanwhile, in mid july my gf had started a new job at a big recruitment agency as receptionist and also had started rehearsing for a big musical production that was going to be on for 3 weeks from the beginning of october (she is a wonderful dancer, great body and good singer). So she qwas leaving every day at 7.45 and getting back at past 11, and then dancing all day sundey too, and as you can see when we did have time together it was helping my dad and little bro deal with things. Plus she missed her parents who are really clingy and 4 best friends back in the uk. Anyone would think these things would impact on any decision to leave me BUT when on 4th sept she said 'i don't love you anymore' and 'i think we should breakup' she said it was nothing to do with these things and was inevtable that she would fall out of love, because when i came to nz, she didnt miss me quite as much as usual in those 5 weeks. her grandad had just died 5 days b4 i left, she hadnt told her parents about staying in nz, and she was enjoying a last few weeks with her friends.

    Of course she might not miss me as much as the last time i went away withou her, but that doesnt mean things were always doomed, especially as she left it til september to say anything, and then it was 'its over'.

    Anyway, she said no one else involved, but i saw a message from her to friend saying 'i said to that guy, i hadnt expected it, that i thought he didnt like me, he said he's love to show me other wise… not sure i want to find out exactly what that means haha!! anyway, i feel REALLY BAD, TALKING TO HIM LIKE THIS, at the moment, sowont say much else FOR NOW, though it does make me more determined to breakup with rupe, a LITTLE TASTE OF SINGLE LIFE MAYBE!!'

    this was sent the day before she told me anything. anyway, she said some guy had said he liked her and she said she had a boyfriend. hmm, doesnt fit with what she was telliing her friend,, but i trusted her, after 9 years of never lying etc, of course i believed her. so she stayed at home for another week and a half, as i was in the middle of teacher placement in a school and if she left then, my career would have been seriously in trouble. So got to 18th sept, and there was a scene outside her work, where she came out with this guy who the messages were about, although she claimed b4 that she was going out with the girls. Long story short, she left me in tears on the ground in the rain, claiming that nothing was going on and being very cold and cruel. next day she moved out and claimed she was just going back to friends. i found out a few days later that she had been messaging this guy non stop for about a week, he to her too, very all over each other messages, and that an hour after she had moved out, she was out on a date with him, and kissed him, went to the beach, etc…

    She then claimed she wouldn't see him again as she knew how much it would make things worse for me. I believed her, when she looks into my eyes, the love of my life, I can't help it. Obviously i shuld have listened to everyone else, but you can't understand how someone who has put you above all else for nearly a decade, and you them, can suddenly lie to you so easily, about the smallest things. I went out to a bar this friday just gone, and she was grinding on the dance floor with him. my childhood sweetheart, and i asked to speak to her outside, she was cruel, swore at me, and wheh i asked if she was going home with him she basically said yes but it's not my business. I was shattered once more, and she kept saying we had been broken up for a month but she had moved out 2 weeks ago and slept next to me only 6 day before. She has always had such good morals and was so very indignant about how my mum lied to my dad and didnt treat him with any respect when she left him. Yet here was her doing all the same things.

    I have to admit that this is the hardest thing in the world to go through. When you love someone with all your being and they reject you, especiall with spurious reasons, it is hard enough, when there is someone else involved it is harder and when they treat you like a fool, boy it is nigh-on impossible to handle well. For my part i have tried to treat her as i would wish to be treated if i were the dumper and havent asked her to come back, etc… a single time since the day she told me.

    I miss her so damned much and when my parents moved to nz she became my everything. It is so hard when the person inflicting the pain is the person you care about most in the world, and the only person who knows and is able to make things right when you are sad and lonely. It also seems unfair that the person who has acted badly, lied when given the choice between honesty or deception, or even silence, is the one who is happy while you have done nothng wrong and are miserable, can't sleep or eat orr think about anything else.

    I know that it is a choice to not think about things but since friday i cant help going over so much to do with them going back to his place and all the little details, like underessing, a normal part of a relationship, but something that takes on extra significance when it is for the first time.

    I know lots of people act like this in these cirrcumstances but that doesnt excuse the behavior and i wish there was just a bit f compassion and understanding on their part for just how hard it is for us 'dumpees'. I still wake up and am shocked she isn't there. In july she she was talking about weddings and kids still, on the day she told me, she said i love you, and now 4 weeks later she is sleeping with some loser (nothing wrong with smoking but it has alwys been her biggest thing that she could nevr kiss/get with a smoker, it is the most disgusting thing she would say yet he smokes like a trooper) who is very different to me (i dont drink or smoke, i play loads of sports, his is cricket, i am a nice funnyish guy, he is a big 'lad' kind of guy.) When she waled off to go back to hi on fri night, at 2.30am, she had acted horrifically towards me in a way that is totally outrageous considering the commitment and time and love that has ben shared between us.

    i accept it is over notionally but emotioanlly it is just so very hard. I feel like there is nothing to look forward to, i am not interested in my teaching (i have 2 weeks left of my placement after the school holidays end this weekend). Seeing her in the show is so hard as i pursuaded her toaudition and have always supported her dancing 100%, this is the biggest thing she has done, on at the countries biggest theatre, they are on national tv tomorrow morning). I have tickets to go next week with my dad and bro, not sure what to do.

    Also no idea what to do life-wise. she is going back to uk, although who knows what might now happen with this guy from her work. All my good friends are in the uk and i miss so much, bt my 3 bros and parents are here (although things are pretty fractured with mum after how she screwed dad and little bro over this year). So not sure where to be, the gravitational core of my life has been ripped out. All my friends ay they never ever ever saw this coming, and neither did i. I knew she was homesick and would have moved back to uk happily for her.

    Finally, i am meant to see her on wed for lunch briefly. It was my idea, i want to begin no-contact (well i want this never to have happened but this is where i find myself) and feel that to do so i need to get a few questions about the true course of events, before i can stop contacting her. When she was still mantaining that she wasnt seeing/interested in this guy, (who she admits to liking for several weeks before she said she didnt love me… methinks he is more relevant than might first meet the eye), i held back from asking lots of things in order to keep her at home, and then so she would still deal with me. Now that i can see it really is time to try and deal with stuff as she went back to that guys place, ruining the chance f ever getting back the innocence of our relationship, i feel like to d so i need to ask what i need to, and if she doesnt answer, at least i asked and can try and start no contact, something which given my persoanlity and need to undertstand will be very hard indeed.

    I kind of find friends helpful, but the best ones are those that cant help but make you feel a bit better about yourself. One of my bros is that guy and i wish i had more of my uk friends here who do the same.

    Tonight i know she is out with him (not my bro, but this scumbag) and i cant help but think about all the details. People keep telling me to stop torturing myself, but I do try and things just pop back into my mind. How? So soon? why? what are they doing? do they have nicknames for each other already? my head is not a good place to be.

    Self-confidence and ones genreal belief in themself takes such a hit and whn i said i was trying my hardest to move on, on fri, she said 'well try harder', yet she had seen dad struggle through this and had been so understandign for months and saw how hard this is to cope with.

    Anyway, i know my happiness in the future is down to me, and that i need to make decisions to chnge my behavior and mindset to effect moving on, but right now i can't seem to get there and am a drag to most i talk to. I hope this isn't too long to read, probably is, but i saw some great posts on here that really helped me to see that i am not alone, although i feel totally so.

    One guy had similar circumstances on here, in jan and reading his post was insightful. anyway, sorry to vent, i just miss my darling so so much, and cant understand what has happened.

    • looloo

      Some people aren't nice and some act awful to help an ex get over them. It's a messed up thing to do but maybe she is doing that.
      Anyway, it is probably what you have been hearing all the time anyway, but things will get better in time and you seem to me to be a brilliant person. You committed yourself to a monogamous relationship and were a faithful and loving boyfriend, any girl would be lucky to have you, so this girl, is missing out BIG TIME. This whole situation must of felt awful for you, shocking, awful, you want to cry or just sleep for the rest of time. But don't do that. Do the opposite to what you want. I think in time you will realize that you are better off without her, and you will feel better than ever, but until that day, try to live your life as normally as you can. And venting, it really helps. You think your just repeating yourself and not getting anywhere but it's better to let it all out then keep it in.

      • Chasek8

        I agree with you looloo he does seem like an amazing man and yes often times the dumpee will feel bad about what they are doing and will often be awful just to protect themselves and sometimes you from the true feelings. I have suffered this pain with my ex and it is devastating!!! He is cruel to me know in the hopes that I will hate him and just move on, but it is harder than that when it is love…. if I could shut my feelings off I would have done it LONG AGO!!!

        Just try to keep your head up and express how you feel lon here instead of to her…. we will listen and help if we can.. I know just reading, writing and replying on here is helping me…slowly…..things will get better that much I know is true, we have survived bad break ups before un scared…. this too shall pass…..

        your friend Katherine (Canada) :)

    • BertieB

      I had the same thing done to me Rupert…its the way how your ex is so callous and calculating…like you have never existed in their lives…I've got two children….been through hell and back..stood by her going through depression…but all for what…my ex has a massive crush on a teacher she is working with (she's training as a teacher)…but he has not reacted to her and is oblivious to her feelings for him…I had to live with that for 5 months…till couldn't take any more…her friends seem to be egging her on…get shot of me so she could be single and available…but after 3 months still not getting the reaction she was hoping for..I have moved out…and feel so alone…still see the kids and thats the thing that is carrying me…life does get better..doesn't seem like it…I've got friends who are trying to build my confidence up…I know I'm better off without her…because I deserve a better person who will treat me right and with dignity….I hope everything works out for you…keep strong…and try not to contact her…if you do…it will only continue the pain…take care mate…Paul (UK)

    • Bubbies

      thank you for sharing this, i totally share your bewilderment and pain at how the one person you have shared your soul with and you love and rely on more than anyone has turned against you. It's like part of your own body turning against you. Stay strong, it's not your fault. Take some time to grieve and figure out the new person you are on your own. You'll be ok xx

    • Katherine

      Though all our situations differ we all feel for you, each person hurts the same, deep into our souls when we lose someone. Not seeing it coming only add to the blow. But your right, your future happiness depends on you, as mine does me. I hope that you find a way to move on a nd be happy….you seem like a very loving person…. eventually you will find the person that needs that love. I just stick hope to the fact that one day they will realise how bad a mistake they have made and realize that they never should have left…negative maybe but I am hurting to……

  • Willcaron11

    It has been a little over 2 weeks since my girlfriend and I broke up. It was completely my fault. I was drunk and got a little jealous and walked out on her at a bar in front of her friends. i made a total ass out of myself and her. Since we broke up i tried to talk with her, however she says she is too hurt by the sitution and we are done for ever! days after this i sent flowers and a few emails and she keeps saying via email that is is done. i then did not touch base with her for around 4 days and then i tried to call her but i got voicemail so i left a message. she emailed the next day and said as much i would like to give you another chance but i can't and talking on the phone will just make it more differcult. i told her that i would respect her wishes, however i would like to talk in a few weeks. this was our first real fight since we have been dating around 5 months. does anything buddy think there is a chance of reconcilation???

  • looloo

    I need everyones advice. I wasn't dumped and i didn't dump, my partner and i made a mutual decision, both were angry and found it hard to have no contact directly after but have maintained it for the last 5 days. Basically, we split, because my partner had had enough of certain aspects e.g. my depression, i became clingy and every bad thing really. Basically, he still loved me, we were still having good times, but a small argument seemed to tip things over edge. He was talking as if it was over, so i promised i would change things would be better, he didn't believe i would get help, so i said ok, its done, but then he said, ok, take time to get better, sort your problems etc and then we will re-evaluate. what the hell? Could anyone really tell somebody to do that and actually mean it. I know that we both struggled with it and we both love each other and want to make it work, always have, always fought against our issues. What am i to do?I am focusing on myself but i am also treating this as if it is a permanent thing, because i don't want to build my hope up just to be disapointed and plunged into depression. What should i do?Focus on everything around me and focus on me and try to not think about him, then maybe i will GET OVER HIM and it won't matter about the re-evaluating crap. But it's easier said than done.

    • Katherine

      it is easier said than done and I have been in the exact same situatuion in the past, if he truly means it than he will want to be updated on your progress at getting help, if he does want to help you help yourself than it is best just to let it go and focus on getting yourself better before you even consider thinking about him any longer

  • Leahy

    I ran into my ex at a party recently. I didn't think she would be there but sure enough there she was. I was drunk and I went up to talk to her. I made mistake #1. After a month of no contact I was thrown back to square one. No contact period. It was the best thing for me and got temporarily derailed. If anyone has any suggestions about how to keep it together when you run into your ex. Let me know

    • Rebeccas

      I know exactly what you mean about one thing just completely throwing you back when you thought you were doing so good! Running into an ex in the future I would say try to get away with a smile and wave as you walk by but if this is going to be too rude or awkward initiate the conversation and ask how they are if they start giving a long answer say “oh I'm sorry I just spotted…. OR I forgot something in the car” anything to get away because you DO NOT want to hear details about their life. When they ask how you are don't give an in depth answer just say “great thank you” and move AWAY.

  • Rebecca

    I have made ALL of the mistakes. I did absolutely everything wrong. I called him drunk, called him sober, kept sleeping with him for about a year (until he got another girlfriend), wrote him long letters, manipulated situations to be with him, stalked him on facebook and myspace, did everything I could to be with him at times, lied to him and lied to myself. I can't even believe how stupid I was I became a completely different person one I could not recognise. I felt like I used to be so confident and happy, stalking someone on facebook and sleeping with an ex were actions I probably would have completely judged! Then all of a sudden I was crying in the shower every day, crying myself to sleep every night, talking my friends ears off about it. I was miserable so miserable I can't even begin to describe it but coming on this site is incredible. All of a sudden you hear these people who have been through the exact same thing, the mistakes are common and everyone goes through this extremely difficult time. It is such a comfort. I still struggle sometimes though we have a lot of mutual friends, not too many, but every now and then I will hear things and the real kicker is that he is genuinely really happy now he does not flaunt it or put it in my face he is just happy in such a real way. I wish it still didn't hurt a little, when will it completely stop hurting!?

    • Green Bean

      Dear Rebecca,
      Please be strong… as time goes… everything will be better. Actually, I'm merely in the same situation :( I also really don't know how to help myself get through it… but I still hope… someday… I'll find my smile again… soon!

    • Daydrmer08

      Everything that you did, I DID! It is somehow comforting to know I'm not the only person going through the same heartache and pain. I myself have so many questions that I'm afraid would never be answered, and just like you I wonder when would the pain stop? when would I stop caring? when would I truly heal?

  • Katherine

    I am making mistakes #1 & #2 right now as we speak and I don't know how to stop myself… I am LOST.. I am a mess… I am barely able to care for my children and i have no one to help me… I lost all my friends during this relationship, gave up my whole life and now OUT-OF-NOWHERE it is falling apart… the one piece of stability I had is crashing down around me……ITS NOT FAIR!!!

    • HollyWood

      No, it's not! Hang in there Katherine! We're all in the same boat here! I lost myself too….I did make #1 for about 1 day, then now, she's texting me every other day or so trying to get an “i love you” out of me so there's #2 and #4 for you! The stranger thing is that SHE dumped me! I too am a complete mess! Everytime she text I ran out of air and then hope overwhelms me only to leave me 5mins after i text her back. it's like, even though she dumped me, she needs me around to complete some part of hers and then she can go on with her life normally.

      Anyway…I think I know what you feel…I gave up all my friends too for this to work, invested everything in it and still didn't got anything back.

      But don't worry. It doesn't say anywhere that you need to suffer. I know it's hard, I know! I KNOW! But you've got to try to make a conscious decision of not caring anymore for this. No use crying over spilled milk, right.

      Come on! Pull yourself together. You've got your kids there, don't you? Live by example. :)

    • Natalya

      Katherine,
      I absolutely understand your scream about this being so unfair. I am like you who lost the meaning of my life not so long ago. It's been 3 1/2 months since everything in the world crumbled for me… and Im ashamed of admitting that I made all of those mistakes… I know how hard it is to loose something we loved the most, it feels as if you can't survive on your own. But please, trust me – YOU CAN! I started to feel a little light of hope here and there… Don't get me wrong, some days are devastatingly difficult and having to still see him makes it so much harder… But Winston Churchill once said: “If you're going through hell, keep going.” The longer you hang on to your past the longer you will stay in hell… So make yourself move on, learn, deal with having to do this journey on your own… And look for support with friends, family, online, books, blogs, etc.
      Good luck. My love goes out to you…

  • nicole

    i dated my best friend. we had been best friends for four years. when i had a problem or just needed a friend, i could always count on him and we had always liked eachother. he wasnt just a friend or boyfriend, he was like a big brother; he was my hero. i had never looked up to anyone more. i regret to say that, in spite of all this and eventhough neither of us realized it at the time, i ended up being his rebound girlfriend. we honestly thought that we were soulmates. he even talked about marrying me. (fyi, we're only 17). then i started to see and hear less from him. i didnt understand why, but i knew from experience that it was leading to some sort of heartache. i knew if he really wanted to see or talk with me, he would have. people can always find a way.

    in the beggining i made mistakes #1 and #2. the funny thing is, he was the one that wanted to be friends right away; he wanted things to go back to the way they were. i wanted that too, but it wasnt the same. i couldnt handel it. i was debistated when he wouldnt return any messages or calls, which lead to more dramatic messages and calls and eventually my trying to see him at his work place (#1). after each of these, i hated myself even more because only then i saw how i was comming off. i dont know how many times i prayed for a rewind button. i have been at #3 and #4 for a few months now. it still hurts a lot, but its gotten better with help from some good friends. and things are slowly getting less ocward. i know its the smarter thing to do to have no contact, since i still care for him much more than i should, but i cant stand the thought of the person i considered a brother completely leaving my life. i am absolutely terrible at losing people.

  • tel

    almost one year on. i thought i was doing fine, recently he got back in touch to try and be friends. and i feel like im breaking up all over again. i can't believe i'm still hurt so much.

  • Andy9381

    I need someone to help me… I have been going through this pain for almost amonth now. We were together for 13 years. Our love knew no bounds. I was ready to proposed and started saving up last year. When my finanical situation made it not possible for me to pay for her ring in time to propose last New Year’s I began getting very sad, and to top it off I was in Inida at the time hearing about her getting hit on by guys in CO. This began my spiral and first bout with depression. When i got back to the states this year I was distant, drinking heavily and not a very good boyfriend. When girls at work started hitting on me I did not tell them to back off. This eventually lead to me having a sexual conversation over IM on skype with someone who will be working with me in January. She saw the message log that lead her to sleeping with someone else and breaking up with me the next day after she told me what she did. I have been trying desperately to get her back. Having her break up with me was a slap in the face that quickly got me to see how deppressed I was and how I needed to get better. I started working out and searching God back into my life. This past year I was a horrible boyfriend and I loathe everything I did to her. I want to die to remove the pain and shame I have for not being the guy I had been the 12 years prior (we started dating at 15 btw). Right now we have got to a point where I know she is just sleeping around with guys at work who told her they dont want a relationship and she calls herself a whore and really degrades herself which makes me feel even more guilty because I know I am to blame for this because of how I treated her this last year. The day after thanksgiving I broke down and cried and begged for her to not be with anyone until she made a decision about me. She made a good point that I was asking her to make a life altering decision in five minutes while she is working on her final before before graduation and still has to study for finals. However, she did promise me she would not be with anyone else (which I dont think is true based on her actions last night of being shady by taking her phone everywhere and being really defensive) and she did say she didnt want to throw away the 13 years we had together. She also said that she wouldnt choose the single life. Part of me believes she did this because she does care about me and didnt want to see me cry like that anymore. However, based on how she looks at me, I dont think she has the feelings of love as she did before. As of now she has her finals for the next two weeks and by the 15th she will either tell me what she wants to be single or not. I am doing my best to hold on to my faith that she will choose to stay with me. However, the pain is so great that I told her I cant be around her or anythign like that last night. That still didnt stop me from texting her this morning and teeling her how I was feeling, devestated but willing to give her space and time for now. Im not going to hang out with her anymore and that hurts. I feel like taking her off my phone and facebook so I can begint he process of moving on. However, there are little things like a christmas present I was making her father that I dont knwo what to do with. I feellike the best thing for me to do is move on and tell myself it is over. However, I have a very stubburn heart. I havent talked to my brother in 10 years because of how much her hurt me. When i cut people off I dont think I have ever let them back in again. Thats my fault and Im afriad if I do that i could seal the deal for us to never be together again. I hope my love is so far greater than my hate of pain that this is not true. I just dont knwo how to concerntrate at work when all I keep doing is thinking of her. Anyeon have any ideas on coping through a work day when this is happeneing?

    • leaaa

      I’ve been coping at work by spending extra time on my work, finding work to do to keep my mind busy, even if it’s just organizing files, small talk with co-workers and taking a walk after lunch.

    • Linda

      I could totally tell when my ex was slipping away. We used to text all day and suddenly the texts became further apart and she was full of excuses. Also, they were one liners. And…she stopped talking about future plans together. Just her whole body movement and tone told the sotry

  • Jmd_jamie

    5 out of 6…I would never get a rebound date…that’s just not my style…everything else is the pitiful truth!

    • patrol_cold

      same here 5 out of 6. In fact trillions of email. Loads of cry in front of her Friends.Logged into her facebook and yaho just to find how happy she was not having me only during the first week of breakup and was filrting to loads of people on a same time! i would never get a rebound date either. i have done it suffered from those mistakes and yet not recovered. So guys or girls whoever are about to make any of those mistake, It WONT WORK. Trust me it wont. it would only humiliate you. Just try to remember how important it is in life, not necessarily to be STRONG but to feel strong. I am suffering a lot. I shouldnt have done any of those mistake but since i already did and wont work. I dont want any body to do those mistake. REMEMBER you are already having lets say 100 problem by break up those each mistake would add next 1000 problems. So want to recover from 100 problem or Want to give it a try for 6000 Infact it may add even more than 1000. Its upto you to decide what to do! BUT PLEASE, DONT DO ANY ONE OF THOSE MISTAKE.

      patrol_cold

  • leaaa

    I read and understand the concept about not needing closure, but I feel that I need this. I’m certain that my ex’s extreme jealousy and lack of trust contributed to his leaving me. I contributed to this through the relationship by not bringing things up that I was sure he would misinterpret and make accusations over. This was after being honest with everything and having my honesty questioned. It was my effort to avoid arguments, emotional strain and unneccesary suspicion. I see now that this backfired on me, but it was the best way I knew how to handle it because even when I would attempt to correct misinterpretations or explain every detail of innocent things I was doing before I did them (for example going to a museum with my sister), I was interrogated anyway. The last time he was here I brought him to my computer to show him an email my mother sent. Coincidentally, there was an email from my previous ex. I never reach out to him, but every once in a while he decides to send a message to see how I’m doing. I hadn’t received an email from him for a while, so the last thing I expected was to see his name in my inbox. In order to avoid an argument, I deleted it thinking my bf didn’t see it. It turns out he did. After he returned home (long distance relationship) he broke the news that he wasn’t going through with our marriage visa for him to come here because he would miss home too much. I asked if he saw the email and explained why I deleted it. I even offered to show it to him because what my ex wrote would prove that I wasn’t in contact with him. The email only said “how are you? I haven’t heard from you.” He didn’t want to see it and insisted that it’s not the reason he’s leaving. SO, all I want to do is send a closure email explaining that I was 100% committed to him, but that due to living in fear of offending him and arguing (walking on eggshells) my instinct was to delete the email and that I wasn’t expecting an email from my ex and maybe I didn’t know how to make him stop sending these messages from time to time. That’s all. I’m not writing to get him back, I’m not going to plead or internet stalk him. I just think I will feel better if I clear my name so he doesn’t walk away with the wrong idea of me. It’s right to clear up miscommunications and misunderstandings, no?

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