First of all, I have to say that I find the strength and wisdom echoing from Blessed’s message very inspiring.

I’ve been dealing with a similar issue, not so successfully, though. My now ex broke up with me over email (we were doing long distance so it’s not exactly the end of the world but I would have appreciated the chance to speak) and in it he basically said things like, “I told you that this is an issue but you refused to acknowledge it”, “I asked you to change but you got defensive and said you won’t change your personality”, etc., ending in a very condescending way, wishing me to figure out my “complexities”, and in brief, just blaming me for the “downfall of the relationship” as he put it. I really do want to work on a number of issues that came up in my relationship, such as communication, avoiding arguments, etc. but I am paralyzed by a reluctance to address those because it would mean that I ultimately agree with my ex that the relationship did not work out only because of me, and I cannot accept that, because I really did my best. My self-esteem hit the bottom but with help from friends, counseling and some of the books recommended here I have realized that it is self-love I need to revisit and rebuild and that most of the problems that occurred in the relationship were caused by self-hate on both sides and the expectation that the other person will fill in that vacuum of love we seem to not be able to fill for ourselves. So I do see the breakup as being a potentially positive development because it opened my eyes to the need to learn to accept myself truly and not to expect that somebody else will fill in the vacuum. I have been much more relaxed and dealing relatively well with anger (which seems to have been the major issue following the breakup). But how do I remember any of the good things my ex said or did when he ended it all blaming me? How can I take anything positive out of his words if he apparently never really loved me for who I am and constantly asked me to change, threatening that if I didn’t, he would leave (which eventually happened, and unsurprisingly, having in mind that the entire burden of the “success” of the relationship was put on me)? How do I let go of the hurt and bitterness and focus on the positive sides of this new chapter of my life?

I kind of “hated” myself for feeling and acting like “kevin”, when my ex is dealing with the break up like “Julia”. He even told me that he can’t bear being alone at the moment, he’s spending the weekends going out and drinking a lot, during the week spending all the time at university and in the evening going to the gym.

I felt like an alien. I can’t imagine partying, because im not in the mood. Its so hard for me to be around people and “faking a smile”.
I can’t even concentrate on studying, while he seems to have no problem to study.

But after reading this post i realized whats going on and that i need to look after myself, rather than telling myself how “great” my ex is doing without me and shutting myself in.

I guess thats the big chance for finding myself.

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

-Alfred Lord Tennyson

I believe in that!

Love is a gift that we give ourselves.