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How I Finally Let Go Of My Ex – The Last Step

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When we are no longer able to change a situation – we are challenged to change ourselves. – Viktor E. Frankl

Many years ago, I was on the road to meet a friend who lived in a town quite far away. This happened approximately a year and a half after my life-changing break-up.

I was OK back then. I was essentially over my Ex. I had accepted the fact that it was over and I knew we wouldn’t get back together again. I was already in another relationship, and yes she came to my mind now and then, but I was able to handle it.

Again, I was OK.

Or so I thought.

What happened on that long lonesome trip threw me off my path so completely that I would never have believed it was possible.

But on the other hand, it was a blessing because it was the last step I had to take to completely get over her and finally let go of her.

What happened?

It all started with a song.

Now I know what you think – not an “our song” kind of song. It was something completely different.

The radio played an unfamiliar song that touched me on such a deep level that I never thought was possible. The lyrics and the melody knocked me out completely.

This song brutally brought to my mind what I once had, and what I was missing so dearly for such a long time, even though I was already in another relationship.

It was there all the time, close to the surface, waiting to push through.

I pulled my car over and started to weep like a small child for over 30 minutes.

After I composed myself again, I couldn’t believe what had happened. Wasn’t I over her? How come I lost it so easy?

Please read on.

The Last Resistance

While you move through all the phases of break-up recovery, with every step you bring yourself closer to the ultimate goal or “the big indifference” as I call it.

“The big indifference” is something you need in order to say you are truly “over your Ex”.

Because one fact that remains is that you’re NOT over your Ex and you haven’t let go until you can stand in front of them, talk to them and feel NOTHING. Just a distant memory of a once held emotion. (I know that this seems impossible for you today, but ultimately this will happen).

But before you reach that goal, there is one big bump on the road – the one I was facing at that time, triggered by a simple love song.

What happened that day was that in spite of being over her, I just hadn’t “let go of her” yet.

Where is the difference?

I went through all the phases. I followed the No-Contact Rule. I suffered through the “emotional roller-coaster”. I consciously accepted the fact that we were not together and would never be again. I re-discovered myself and learned to live alone. I found a life-goal, loved myself and found a wonderful girl who I started a relationship with.

And after all that, I still broke down hearing a silly, cheesy song?

A Powerful Belief

My problem was that in my head there was this mathematical equation I had set up so long ago. It was simple but effective and still held power over me.

It looked like this:

[happiness] = [Ex’s Name]

and

no [Ex’s Name] = no [happiness]

A simple belief that was so powerful that it made me break down after 1 1/2 years of breakup recovery. It was there from the beginning without me even realizing it. Lurking, waiting to come out in the open.

Never underestimate the power of a single belief.

Now that I knew what went wrong, what held me back all this time, I could approach that problem directly.

I did that in two ways.

How To Finally Let Go Of Your Ex

I knew how powerful affirmations are. I used them heavily in the acceptance-phase, so I was certain that they would help me also with this problem.

Affirmations are the best way to change false beliefs, (break-up recovery essentially boils down to one thing – changing a set of powerful beliefs).

So I came up with this one:

“I let go of [Ex’s Name] with love and clear myself of chains to the past to make way for new love to enter my life”

Applied as usual: 3 times a day, 25 times in front of a mirror and one time in writing.

Let me tell you – it worked WONDERS.

After only 14 days, I felt a huge relief, as if a heavy weight I didn’t even knew existed was being lifted from my shoulders. The invisible blockade that was lingering in my newly formed relationship was removed so it started to thrive, and an overall well-being flooded my soul.

That was it. Mission accomplished?

Not yet. One last thing to do.

Remember? The “big indifference”.

Well that turned out very unexpectedly.

3 weeks after that road-trip-incident, I received a strange letter. It was an invitation to a wedding.

You guessed right.

The Final Pedestal-Test

My Ex was about to get married, and she invited ME to it.

I don’t have to tell you how I felt at that moment. I mean, even after 1 1/2 years it still was a huge shock. I knew that she had a new boyfriend, but she was getting married?

As much as I was shocked about this I knew that this was THE opportunity to test whether I had reached the “top” of my break-up recovery journey.

So I decided to go.

But I can tell you, to say I was anxious about it is an understatement. I was terrified. But I realized how important this could be for me.

The day of the wedding celebration approached and in my mind I was there a thousand times already. I knew what I planned to do. I would react as if nothing ever happened, putting on a big smile, but I still had that lingering fear of suffering a meltdown like what had occurred on that road.

Luckily it turned out differently.

Fast forward to the wedding celebration, entering the ballroom, seeing her for the first time after 12 months and I felt NOTHING.

Absolutely NOTHING. Like I was looking at a complete stranger.

She seemed to be more afraid of it than I was, because she completely avoided eye-contact at all costs.

At that time, I was in great shape, in fact the best shape of my life. I was confident, cocky, well dressed. In short – I was a catch.

At first I thought, “[her name] look what you are missing out on and look what a jerk you have standing next to you”, and I really smiled thinking this.

But then it shifted.

Suddenly I started to care less and less about what she was thinking of me. I was just in the now, enjoying the moment.

It was as if I suddenly got a good portion of power back that I was missing for so long. Slowly I started to feel free again. Really free.

So I went up to them and everybody was staring at me wondering what I would do, (most of the guests knew my former relationship to the bride).

I stood in front of them in that super cool black suit I wore and I heartily congratulated them both on their wedding. I wished them all the best for their forthcoming life together, and went back to my table. Full of confidence, pride and power.

I never felt better in my life than I did that day.

I had people coming up to me congratulating me for what I did and for the way I did it.

It was a complete victory.

It was the day I finally let go of my Ex and started a new life.

How To Take The Last Step of Getting Over Your Ex

Now, I don’t recommend doing what I did back then as a test whether you are over your Ex or not. The implications could be disastrous. At the beginning of your break-up recovery journey, it is advisable to respectfully decline invitations like the one I got.

Whether it’s time or not to face your Ex solely depends on your progress in your recovery. Do it at the beginning, and you will crash and burn. Instead, do it when you:

  • have accepted the fact that you’re no longer together
  • do not want them back
  • have gone through the emotional roller-coaster
  • basically feel alright

and you will profit from it.

For me, it was 1 1/2 years after the break-up, which was actually rather late. It took me a while to figure out how you can speed up the recovery process substantially.

For me, it was exactly the right time for what I needed to do. If I hadn’t, my recovery most certainly would have gone on much longer.

So what is letting go?

It is a conscious process of discarding the belief that only your Ex holds the key to your happiness. It is the final step you need to take before you can say that you are over your Ex, and you are ready to start a new relationship.

But what if your Ex is not available for confrontation?

Then we must take hold of different measures.

The Desensitization Method

There is a technique where you consciously expose yourself to your memories with your Ex in order to “desensitize”. You do this for one hour by going through your pictures, videos and stored memories.

The most important thing here is to really dig deep, and to completely allow yourself to get into it. Get emotional, cry if you have to. Continue despite the pain you feel, and do this until you feel numb.

It’s basically the same as confronting your Ex, only “virtually”.

After you’ve done this you will feel exhausted and completely numb and indifferent. Good. This means it worked.

But again, only do this if you fit the preconditions I’ve listed above! Otherwise it will throw you miles back. Trust me.

Conclusion

If your break-up was longer than one year ago and you have gone through the main phases of break-up recovery – and you generally feel OK, but still feel there is something holding you back, then I recommend taking this “last step”.

I get many emails from readers asking the same thing. They cannot believe that after that much time, they still suffer:

I do wonder though, why after a full year, I’m still thinking about him as much as I do. I worry that I cannot move on fully.

The reason for this is, in most cases, an unrealistic over-idealization of the Ex.

Consciously letting go means saying goodbye to that limiting belief that only your Ex means happiness and no one else.

I did that back then and it almost instantly improved my life, my relationship, and my view to life.

I am sure you can too.

Your friend,
Eddie

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135 Responses to How I Finally Let Go Of My Ex – The Last Step

  1. Gail August 6, 2013 at 7:14 am #

    Great Advice – Very Heartfelt
    I was married for 17 years & 2 kids and it took me along time to get over my X.
    He was a great guy everyone best mate – but what I thought we had together wasn’t as strong as I thought.
    After 30 he decided he wanted to retire early – and refused to work. We ended up job swapping and he played golf everyday and drank and I went to work.
    I ran a poor 2nd to Golf and drinking & ended up being Mum and Dad to the kids so they didnt miss out.
    It took me 8 years to say I’d had enough.
    Come Sunday morning: If you want me you know where I am on the golf course.
    I felt like a “Big Nothing” He never spent anytime with me, I never received compliments and I sadly I felt like I did not matter anymore.
    When I said I couldnt do this anymore he went and got drunk for 3 months.
    I told him and wanted him to say – No matter what it takes I wont give up you and the kids.
    Sadly that never happened – he just moved on with his life and is now married to the woman he used to drink with at the golf club.
    He then starting doing all the things I asked for and wanted for us with her and her son.
    It took me along time to get over it as it was just re-enforced more that I was worth nothing and I was easily replaced.
    It was like if your a Man you don’t have to put the effort with your wife and kids coz you can just move on with another.
    I felt very used and abused for a long-time

    • shellie July 29, 2015 at 2:08 am #

      Omg Omg Omg I did it after 11 years of verbal abuse and being with a narcissistic piece of crap, I told him off. Way out of my character but it was the right thing to do for me. Stayed after almost being pushed out of moving car, the countless times he blamed me for things I didn’t do, got remarried behind my back to a mail order bride who left him after 2 years used me in every possible way you can think of never took any responsibility for anything he has ever done, never apologized, and worst of all would disappear and give me the silent treatment for no explanation at all. I am so beaten down by this man. I think the worst thing is, is he just doesn’t care. It’s funny because I was warned by so many people but I just accepted his bad behavior. I am loving , nurturing and funny and I gave and gave and he took and took. He is 11 years older then me and looks like a troll. I was the best little thing he ever had. I will be OK because I will open the door for someone deserving of my love and affection. What I don’t understand is is why did I stay so long? Trust me there is no coming back from this one. I let him have it. Thanks for listening everyone. It’s hard to do but once you cut the ties with these toxic freaks it lightens your soul. Hell I even look better

      • Monalisza October 8, 2015 at 11:06 pm #

        wow!! I am glad that you made the right decision…. I hope you find someone that you truly deserved and live a happy life!

      • Bruce March 22, 2016 at 10:51 am #

        You nailed it!!!
        What I am curious about now is, whether it was my (easy to take advantage of) personality that made it easy for my ex to become who she is (a spirit killer who drains everything that is good in you) or was she like that from the beginning.

      • DeeBabby March 25, 2016 at 2:57 am #

        Toxic relationships are dangerous. I think I’m currently involved in one. But get this, I really want to be wit him . Hoping one day he will all of a sudden be who I loved him to be. We both have been untruthful and as for now we have no trust.

  2. Sue August 21, 2013 at 6:31 am #

    I know I am not even close to letting my ex go psychologically. I am only on day 12 of NC but I know it is my goal to let him go. After 10 years of marriage he left me. We had problems, many of which was his immaturity. He was younger but I am learning men can be idiots at any age.

    I need to be free of him emotionally because it’s killing me. Good news is I’ve had more good days lately than bad days. I still have a long road. I love Eddie’s story because it gives me hope. This website has been my saving grace. We certainly have something better in store for us once we drop this luggage.

    • Dan August 17, 2015 at 10:38 am #

      Wow, I’m in the complete same situation but only I’m a male and she is female, as much as I want to let go i can’t, I want to as I know she’s toxic for me, but when things were good they were great but when things were bad they could not get any worse, I done things and said things that are just no me, we have been split for 3 months she’s been with 2 other people sense then and in a relationship now and it kills me every minute of every day , I just want to let go and move forward and be happy, how did you do it, I would really love to know, these kind of people condition you to how they want you and manipulate you it’s horrible, please give me some advice

      • Ron August 18, 2015 at 12:04 am #

        Hi Dan,

        I feel for you man! The thing is there is nothing you can do apart from controlling yourself. I know you want your ex back but ask yourself first, do you really want her to come back to you just because she feels sorry for you? You don’t need mercy bro.

        My ex left me without any reason. We have been together for 3 years. It has been 3 months since she broke up with me. I still don’t know the reason. Her ex was a control freak. He used to beat her up. I am not this kind of person. I am not insecure in my life. I have never ever abused or controlled any of my ex’s. I have never hurt her or made her cry but I still don’t know why she left me. I don’t even know if she is dating someone else or not. I don’t even want to know. I don’t stalk her on any social media. I take it this way- she left me and its her loss. If she is happy without me then thats great. You never want to force anyone to love you. You want them to love you as they way you are.

        I have a very good job and a busy life. I have worked hard all my life to be where I am at the moment. I don’t need her to fulfill my life. She was a part of my life and now she is not. So what? I haven’t stopped living my life. I have good friends and family who are always supportive.

        I have stopped contacting her but she always initiates contacts. This hi, how are you, what are you doing etc… doesn’t do anything for me. Now I have stopped replying to her. I wanted a closure so I asked her to meet up with me. We fixed a date but as the day came closer, she stopped replying to me. I asked her that we need to talk but she doesn’t want to talk. I wanted to end it nicely so then I can move on but she is so immature when it comes to relationship. By the way I am 31 and she is 33.

        Now I am thinking, I am better off without her. Her leaving me is a blessings in disguise.

        First 6 weeks after the break up was terrible for me. I have stopped eating and sleeping but I never showed or told her that I am suffering. I started to work on myself. Its not because I want her back. Its because I want to forget her. I started running. I started to go out with my friends. I started to stay longer at work in order to distract myself from thinking about her. I have stopped constantly checking on my phone. I realized that the best way to move on from a break up is to isolate yourself from your phone. I have written down her number, hidden it somewhere and then removed her number, pictures and old messages from my phone. If you still have these then please remove these asap. Otherwise you will never move on. At this moment, you have to look after yourself. Don’t pay any attention to her. Don’t pay attention to any messages she sends you. She is living her life then why shouldn’t you? If she wants you then no matter what you do, she will ask you to get back but please don’t keep any hope. Hoping she will be back to you is the worst damage you can do to yourself.

        Believe in yourself. Believe in your love. Believe that if you have made her happy ( I assume she was happy with you) then you can made someone else happy. People who don’t want you for what you are then they can f**k off. Don’t stop living. Please do not stay in your room all day. You need to force yourself to go out. Go to field for an hour. Lie down on the grass, walk, do some exercise etc but just do not stay in your room. Thats how I overcame the break up. Do I still think of her. yes, I do but I am not desperate to get back with her.

        Please do not spend time reading forums and watching videos about getting your ex back. If you keep watching these then you are stopping yourself from moving on. You will find on forums that no-contact rule is the best way to get your ex back. You need to understand that this is completely wrong idea. No-contact rule for you to move on, not to get her back. No, I am not a relationship expert. I am just a normal bloke who believes in reality.

        One last thing, never think about taking a revenge on her or rude to her. Just be polite. In order to move on, first need to learn to forgive her. The sooner you forgive her, the faster you will accept that it is over and the faster you accept that it is over, the sooner you will move on.

        Please feel free to PM me or reply on this forum if you would like to share your pain with me.

        My special thanks Eddie for this forum. Your forum has helped a lot of men/women to move on. Hats off bro.

        Guys, please excuse my English.

        Thanks,

        Ron

        • Dan August 25, 2015 at 2:38 am #

          Dear Ron (and of course Eddie),

          Thank you for your writings they both helped. My ex girlfriend ended our relationship a year ago next week and whilst most of the pain and heart ache has gone there’s still some left which is really hard to stop, as also is thinking about her every day. … I’ll try to take both of your advice (in particular) as by reading especially your two writings has helped and there’s some very good suggestions and advice.
          Dan.

          • Dan August 25, 2015 at 2:40 am #

            We were together for seven years by the way and had loads of great times but she’s now dating another woman, apparently she’s bisexual which she didn’t know (we’re both 25 now so started dating when we were 18). … Thanks again.

          • Ron August 25, 2015 at 4:13 pm #

            Dan,

            I think you are doing great. Just hang in there. Don’t hang in there to get her back but hang in there to get yourself back. It will take time. From my experience, the first step to moving on was very difficult. It was difficult because my mind said move on but my heart didn’t want to move on. My heart was having a second thought that I should wait for her and she might come back to me. The thing is- these what if…, if else…, conditions doesn’t have any values when it comes to relationship. These will only give you false hope but nothing else. Hope is the worst enemy when it comes to moving on from any relationship. You don’t know what will happen next. She might be missing you or she might not. You don’t know. She is not telling you anything so why should you hope that she would be back? I was struggling to move on. I realised that I became my worst enemy. She wasn’t physically with me but her ghost was inside my head. It didn’t let her go. So my fight was against her ghost, not against her as a person. Her ghost wanted to pin me down but I didn’t let it to pin me down. I stood up and fight against it. Now I can say that I am on a good situation than I was a month ago.

            I realised that I wasn’t sad because she left me. I was sad because of the amount of effort and hard work I put in to this relationship and didn’t achieve anything. I was very committed to this relationship. I wanted to make it work. I put my heart, time, energy, effort and commitment etc to make this work. It was because I treated this relationship as MY KID. After a baby born- we look after it, we invest our mind, time and energy for upbringing on this baby. We love this baby more than anything. I didn’t want my KID to leave me, I didn’t want to put my KID in to a coffin but I had to and this was the hardest part. It was very painful when I had to cut all the ties with my KID.

            I understand yours was a long relationship. So what? She didn’t give a f**k about you when she made up her mind to break up with you. You have to be realistic here. You have to deal with your emotions. You will have to let your KID (relation) go. You have to cut off all the ties. There will be some memories but you have to tell yourself “it is your fight and you have to win it”. I am sorry to be harsh but trust me, I understand your feelings/pain and we all have been through these in our life. What I am trying to do here is trying to bring you back to reality. I am trying to make you to realise that there is no hope. You will be happy as soon as you let go of your hopes. Hoping she will be will make thing worst for you.

            You need to man up. You need to be tough. Every single day is a brand new day. Wake up in the morning, move the curtain and look at the sky for 30-45 seconds, close your eyes, take a deep breath and tell your mind that you have to have a emotion/pain free day.

            Please don’t be jealous. If you show her that you are jealous then all the work you have been doing to forget her will be worthless to her. You will have to start again. If she calls you then answer her calls. Don’t ignore her. If she starts talking about relationship then tell her politely that you don’t want to discuss about your relationship status but let her know that you are happy for her. You MUST not show/tell her that you are missing her or sad for her. You have to show her that you are OK with the break up. No one likes a person who is sad and emotional. Everybody likes a person who has mental strength to deal with bad situations in life. If she sees that you are mentally stronger then she will start to respect you. She will show you that she doesn’t care about you but inside, she will feel deep respect for you and this is what counts at the end of the day.

            She is in a new relationship and let her to enjoy it. You said on your previous thread that she was seeing 2 other guys before this new relationship. Let her to have fun as much as she can. When she will be bored of this new relationship, she will start to think about her past relationship and when she will think her past relationship- you will be in her mind. She might call you or text you. She will only contact you if she respects you. So you must not get angry or rude to her if you want her to respect you. Please don’t take my word for it. I might be completely wrong. As I mentioned earlier, I am not a relationship expert. The advice I am giving you is from my past experience. You shouldn’t stick by my advice. You should do what suits you well.

            Again, please stop reading blogs about getting your ex back. Instead, read how to move on. You can watch some motivational videos on Youtube.

            Thanks for reading it. I hope you find it useful.

        • Tom December 7, 2015 at 6:07 pm #

          Hi Ron,

          I’ve read up a lot on break ups, getting your ex back, getting over your ex etc etc and I have to say your advice is the best I have come across!! You sound so down to earth and sharing your experience that you’ve got through things and come out the other side shows what a strong person you are. I’m going through a tough time at the moment, broken up with my girlfriend of 3 years a couple months ago. It’s hit me like a train!

          So my situation; We had a great 3 years together, however there were bad moments (mainly down to drink) where she would take things out on me. After one too many incidents I finally got fed up. I really wish we had couples counselling or sat down to talk about things but we didn’t, I just said I needed space and we should go our separate ways. She agreed. She was a wreck for the first week whilst I was clearing my head and seeing friends/family. By the time I had got my thoughts together and wanted to speak to her again (2 weeks) she had slept with 2 guys and was seeing one of them. My world fell apart. Ok she was single but how could she have done all that so quickly?! I’ve made so many mistakes since, pretty much begging her back, calling, texting, meeting up.. All the while she was still seeing someone else and is now in a relationship with him. I now know I need to move on. She’s told me all this and has now blocked me. I gave her the control and now I feel useless. So you’re right, I need to focus on me and realise that if she can react like this and rub things in my face, that she is showing her true colours.

          Thanks for the inspiration.

          • Ron December 11, 2015 at 1:12 am #

            Hi Tom,

            It’s good to know that I was able to help.

            I understand the pain and bad times you are going though at the moment. We all have been there and got over it. This is a learning curve for you and you MUST learn from it. People say time is a great healer and it is 100% true. You must prove to yourself that you can get over it. She is gone from your life. Now it’s only you. Your ex and the relationship you had with her- doesn’t matter any more. Getting over from this relationship will be hell of a long journey but you have to be dedicated and focused to get over it. Otherwise you will be back to square again.

            3 years is a long time with someone. You were brave to ask for some space and I don’t blame you at all. In fact I would say you did the right thing. I wasn’t so brave to ask for space when I saw that things weren’t going right. But hey, love is blind. I was blind to see this was coming. Now, I have the ability to see things from outside the box and I am glad that it was over.

            Don’t beat yourself about begging or pleading and her blocking you. It is normal to beg to someone you love. She has decided not to carry on with this relationship so you must respect her opinion. When someone loves you, they will do anything to be with you and that’s 100% true. At the moment, she has decided to be with other guy so let her go. Now it is your time to put your energy into yourself. You have to come out of this situation and become a better man. Again, you are not doing it to get her back but yourself. When she will she this changes and confidence in you then she will have a deep thought about you. No, I am not saying this to give you any hope. Hope is the killer. It will kill you. You have to move forward without hoping that she will be back to you. The odds are 99.9% against you my friend. You are alone in the game now and you have to win it by working on yourself. This is the only option you have at the moment. You will never have someone to love you when they will see you that you are sad and pathetic. So you know what you have to do now.

            When someone blocks you, it doesn’t mean that they hate you or they are over you. She did it in order to move on from you. She doesn’t want you to contact her because she still has feelings for you unless you have crossed the limit. I blocked my ex after the break up. It is not because I didn’t love her. I did it because I wanted to move on. I did it for myself.

            Now you must be thinking that what should you do when she has another fella? I can tell you that it is a rebound and it will not last long unless you are contently bugging her. Dating someone within a month of break up is not normal. It takes 4-6 months for dumper to get over their ex. Please leave her alone. Let her be with this guy. She is using this new guy to get over you. This is the honeymoon period of her new relationship and at the same time, this is very crucial that you MUST work on yourself. Just try to forget about her. Don’t stalk her on any social media. You must detach her from your mind in order to improve your self-esteem and be a better person. Any contact from you will push her away further. She is expecting you to do something crazy for her or beg to her so then she can have the mental satisfaction for dumping you; and when you don’t do that, she will start to question her decision. YOU MUST NOT CONTACT HER. If she doesn’t contact you then you will either move on or maybe she wasn’t the right girl for you. You said she used to have a go at you when she was drunk. Ask yourself- do you really want this? You must respect yourself. You have begged and pleaded to her. You have desired your love for her. Now if she wants you then she will be in touch. If not, then forget her.

            I am over my break up. I still have some left over feelings but I am not so sad about it. I have accepted the breakup and moving on. In fact I have started to go on a few dates and I am really enjoying it. No, I am not rushing to be in a relationship again. I am just playing in the field to see what’s best for me. My job is going well. I am earning a decent salary. I have treated myself with new watch, shades, clothes etc and you know what, I am not doing that for her. I am doing it for myself. She doesn’t matter to me anymore. My feeling for her has naturally faded away. There is a saying that out of side, out of mind. Now I don’t care if she is in a relationship or f***ing someone else. I don’t even know and don’t want to know. No, I am not an alpha male or even trying to be an alpha male. I have just learnt a lot from this breakup and I am using this experience in my favor. I believe in myself. I also believe that I am a good lover and the girl who will chose to be with me- will be a lucky girl. I am not being an arrogant prick. I just believe in myself. Someone who throws away your love, respect, care, attention, good times, trust, affection – don’t deserve to be in your arms. It’s a very simple logic. I am sharing you my story because I want you to know what’s waiting for you after you get over this bad time.

            I don’t like giving people any false hope. I like to say the brutal truth. When you let go of your hope, you will feel better and get yourself back.

            Life is very challenging. You never know what is going to happen. We have to look after yourself first.

            Feel free to share if you have any thoughts.

            Thanks Tom and Eddie of course.

            Ron

          • Tom December 11, 2015 at 10:17 am #

            Thanks Ron,

            Yeah I really wish I looked for advice on how to deal with things or rebuilding the relationship. I was naive and didn’t know what to expect! So yeah like any break up, it’s been really difficult. I’m a 6″3 mid twenties grown man and I must have cried a dozen times over her, even got to a point where I thought life isn’t worth living without her anymore. I know I have to get back on track and think positively, hearing your experience has certainly helped.

            A couple mutual friends have told me that things aren’t going well between her and this new guy, which Im not surprised at all. But it’s not my concern. We haven’t contacted each other for a week and to be honest I don’t have a lot to say. It’s so hard when you want someone but they don’t seem to want you anymore. When I say want, I mean just to sit down and iron out our differences and be positive again. I know that’ll take longer for her but she’s got herself into this situation. Ive taken a step back to evaluate what I want in life and working on myself. The funny thing is, we both go to the same gym! And I’ve been going religiously these past 2 months and I’m really beginning to notice a difference! I’m weighing around 85kg and down to 10% body fat. I’m feeling good about myself and like you say, it may put a deep thought in her mind. I’m no way a d***head type of guy who boasts about things on social media etc, so even if she did want to say hi in the gym, I’d still be courteous about it and make small talk.

            Anyway, I guess the hardest part about all this was her moving on so quickly (which she’s probably regretting) and I’ve tried to get myself back on the dating scene. But it’s just not happening for me at the moment. Online dating can be very fickle. Sure I’ve spoken to 8-10 girls and even gone on a couple dates, but they’ve lead no where. So I might just back off that for a little bit. Not saying I’m looking for the one at the moment, I think I should just keep concentrating on me till the new year and what will be, will be.

            Ron, your situation is truly an inspiration to me. I was at my lowest a week or so ago and reading your post really put things into perspective.

            Thanks again.

            Tom

          • Ron December 12, 2015 at 3:40 am #

            Hi Tom,

            Just rethink what you have said – I must have cried a dozen times over her, even got to a point where I thought life isn’t worth living without her anymore. Mate, you have to think positive otherwise you will never be able to get out this tunnel. You break up in still raw and that’s why you are thinking like that. You have to TAKE HER OFF THE PEDESTAL and it will take time but you will get there eventually.

            There are few stages you will have to go through in order to move on and currently you are in the depressions phase. It will take a bit of time for you to understand and accept the break up. It is completely normal to feel like that.

            I think you are doing great. Keep working hard at the gym and make a change in yourself. Get in a good shape. Then you will feel better about yourself and your self-esteem will start to kick off. This should be your main priority now and you are already doing that, which is great.

            You also understand that you are doing no contact for not to get her back but getting yourself back. If you are doing no contact thinking that she will miss you and get in touch with you then you will be fooling yourself. It will defeat the whole purpose. You are doing it for yourself.

            Do not stop hanging out with your mutual friends. Do not ask or talk your friends about her. If they ask or talk to you about her them show them that you don’t care. Your body language will play a very crucial role here. You must not show her or your friends that you are feeling low and sad about this break up even though you know that you are burning inside. You have to act as a cheerful person. Again, you are not doing it for her. You are doing it for yourself.

            It doesn’t matter whether her relationship with the new guy is going well or bad. It is not your problem any more. She can do whatever she wants and you MUST NOT interfere or even try to find out about what’s going on in her life. You are working on yourself and keep doing so.

            It doesn’t matter whether you are a dumper or the dumpee- you must respect the other person. No need to be mean about ignoring her or saying bad things about her. If you guys bump in to each other then just say a simple ‘hi’ and then walk away. Don’t stand there. The respect and politeness counts at the end of the day.

            Always respect the other person. Always keep your head high. Your relationship with her doesn’t exist anymore but what exists is your self-respect and pride. You got to admire these. Never compromise yourself on being the second best.

            Maybe she has move on or may be she hasn’t. Maybe she regrets or maybe she doesn’t. You don’t know that for sure and you don’t need to know that until she tells you. You shouldn’t keep any hope about getting back together. I always say that- hope is a killer. It will take a good 6 months in order for you to feel positive about yourself.

            I would say that your break up was much easier than mine. You at least know that reason behind your break up. I still don’t know the reason behind my breakup. By the way I am 30 and she is 32. I spent 3 months just trying to find the reason behind the break up. I have even begged her to give me a reason so then I could accept it was over and move on but I never got any of that and it made my situation worst. I don’t want you to go through that bad passage I went through. I just thought one day that there is no point to waste my valuable time and energy for someone who doesn’t have the decency to give me a reason for break up so I just accepted and moved on. She texted me once and I completely ignored her. Yes, I wanted to reply but then I thought I need to look after myself and since then I started to feel better.

            You are doing the right thing at the moment. Go out and meet new girls. You need to play in the field however do not fall into any kind of relationship unless you are clear in your head and you are completely over her. It will take time though.

            So, to finalize- eat well, sleep well, work hard at the gym, go for running, set a goal or target when working out at the gym and try to reach the goal, spend time with your friends, meet new women, watch some motivational movies, listen to some motivational songs etc. You have to have a strategy in order to get back on track. No strategy, no success. Success means getting yourself back.

            “Always believe in yourself” – that’s the only best advice I can give you now.

            And finally- DO NOT CONTACT HER AT ANY CASE (unless someone has passed away or she is in hospital). NO BIRTHDAY CARDS OR WISHES, NO CHRISTMAS GIFTS OR WISHES, NO NEW YEAR CARDS OR WISHES, NO LOOKING AT THE OLD MESSAGES AND PHOTOS. You have to learn living your life alone. Remember Rocky III movie? After Rocky lost his game to Clubber Lang, he had to start again from the beginning, he had to go back to his root and he had to go back to basics. Clubber Lang was talking a lot but Rocky was silent. He was working hard and then he shut Clubber out at the ring. I guess you understand what I was trying to say.

            Good luck mate.

            Thanks,

            Ron

        • Anne April 1, 2016 at 3:21 pm #

          It inspire me a lot to move on. I am 34 lady just broke up with an emotional abusive 32 years old guy drug addict which i help even when he is sick and give him a good life. I put him in the pedestal. And maybe i am afraid to be alone all my life. I think its true that he also cheats. He is in denial of his addiction. I also need help emotionally. I am loyal to him and have loved him, i dont know he can do this to me. I am a decent woman.

  3. Monica October 4, 2013 at 1:53 pm #

    Hi Eddie,
    I am 3 weeks away from the final test of seeing my ex for the first time after the break up. It’s been over a year since I last saw him, was devastated after he dumped me for someone else and your ebook helped me find my way back. I feel stronger and happier than ever. Got a promotion, moved, started doing the things I always wanted, even started a new healthy relationship with a nice man who treats me very well. I could say I am over my ex.
    One of his friends contacted me a few months ago to tell me he is a bad apple and better off without him. He took advantage of his friends too, cheated on all the girls he dated since, even beat them, got one pregnant and left her stranded in a foreign country…

    His friend emailed me again to warn me that he had been transferred to the place where I will be at for 5 weeks from november. He doesn’t know I will be there.

    For the first time in months I looked up my ex and found a few recent work videos. I just wanted to see how I feel, like you say to desensitize. Well… first reaction was… he looks great… lost weight…but didn’t manage to watch the whole thing…, I felt bored…. I will do another proper sesion of desensitizing closer to the date just to make sure.

    But I don’t really know what to do.
    1. Avoid him completely? Don’t really want to keep looking after my shoulder to see if he’s in the right side of the room for me to go left…
    2. Go find him as soon as possible and say hi, I am here too. No hard feelings. We’re cool and then carry on as normal, like he’s just an acquintance.
    3. Leave it to chance. If we meet say hi, but that’s all. Don’t actually approach him. Don’t know if he’d be violent towards me too.

    I would appreciate any sort of advice.

    M :)

  4. Cammy January 19, 2014 at 9:15 pm #

    My heart was so broken n hurt I thought I was having a heart attack n now I still get pains In my heart over a year but the relationship was a distant one towards the end so it was the emotional dependency n shock of his emotional infidelity n shiftyness not necessarily unfaithful in the bedroom that shocked me…why do I still get days when I feel utterly drained and preoccupied but thoughts of my ex!? I miss his help and support but it sucks that he is still close to his ex who expected him to lie to me to protect her drug problems and said he was like a dad to her when he was someone else’s man…privileges should stop with exes when a new woman comes into a mans life…I would not expect an ex of mine to drop everything for me n upset his new woman and risk damaging their relationship…no thanks who enjoys doing things like that? I want a man who is happy to make boundaries as clear as they can be to avoid hurting or upsetting me instead of worrying about exes…who he kept secret n I found out after 4 1/2 years!! I was shocked! I said I deserve better…he agreed so he knew he’d been out of order…so many things he was doing behind my back I had no idea until he got caught out joining fb n an email proved it n he shouted at me that it was ,want to be private lol there were two girls on his friends list n he had not even tried looking for me! Thanks for proving what your priorities are lol I just wish I could let go of his caring side as we had a strong connection HE actually stated…I wish I could meet someone special n kiss n forget the whole past relationship n move on big time but I have struggled…it sucks it really sucks

  5. gg March 7, 2014 at 9:16 pm #

    Thank for publishing this. This has helped put my mind back into perspective and see things as they are suppose to be again not how they used to be. amazing

  6. Angélique April 4, 2014 at 3:07 am #

    Absolutely brilliant. I just woke up feeling incredibly down and anxious. I read your article which really explains so well what I am going through. I need to experience the final desensitisation stage or my life will not improve and I will never experience possible happiness in another relationship.
    Thank you

  7. Mayla June 10, 2014 at 1:49 am #

    Well, i came across this to find out why the one im in love with now is not capable of moving on, and its the same case, after 2 years of break up, he still is stuck in the past..
    they were together for almost 8 years, he was willing to leave everything for her as he told me him when we were just friends, and she was the world for him.
    and when she broke up with him, months or a year later, she got engaged and is planning to get married, they do not communicate..
    but he is stuck in this past that he’s not letting go with me,
    his happiness is with her, and it ended there he says.
    Like he reached a peak of happiness with here, that anything after that would be happiness but not at that level.
    It hurts to hear and know that,
    i feel helpless sometimes, and not strong enough to carry on from there..
    but im still there, he says he loves me and all..and im the closest someone that ever reached this level after her, cause he dated few girls after the breakup.
    I still didnt win him,or win his heart..
    he knows that the past is past.he accepted it ended..
    he meditated.. and did all of that, but what’s written in the article is quite amazing, about ex’s name = happiness.. tht was the missing piece that i cldnt understand..
    but i still dont know what i can do to fix that.. knowing he won’t be able or willing to get that

  8. T June 22, 2014 at 4:23 am #

    fall in love but never ever give your heart away to someone, when you put the other person on a pedestal you will get hurt when they prove they are not worthy… I have moved on from some of the hardest relationships and with each ending I have become wiser and stronger. After 20 years of being on this love journey…I still have no regrets and I always forgive those who have hurt me as well as I hope I am forgiven to those I have hurt.

  9. Izabella July 22, 2014 at 6:34 am #

    Thank YOU Very Much! This article definitely was a wake up call and a great tool to finish off with my pseudo hopes and expectations. Your line: “I let go of [Ex’s Name] with love and clear myself of chains to the past to make way for new love to enter my life” truly reach out to me. An equation statement ex= happiness no longer true in my mind. I forgive and forget.This mini death experience made me a new person. I feel much stringer and I started actually living and appreciate Life.

  10. JusB July 27, 2014 at 3:29 am #

    Finding this post came just at the right time. My ex and I broke up four years ago, and for the first two years, I established NC and thought that what I was feeling was the indifference I needed to get over him. What it was, in fact, was raw, heartfelt hatred and rage — not only for him, but towards myself for not being strong enough to read the signs that we would never work out.

    For these last two years, we’ve attempted a bit of a friendship — and it might have worked had my ex, now married for three years, hadn’t all but begged to know if I still loved and wanted him. He has no intention of leaving his wife — and despite my still caring about him, I don’t want him back. The mind games he played originally, whether he realized he was doing it, nearly broke me. I never want to experience that pain again.

    I’m reaching an interesting crossroads where I can almost FEEL the real man of my dreams coming my way, and I want to be totally ready to accept him. I’m going to take your affirmation (if you don’t mind :P) and use it at the recommended frequency. I know that I (and everybody) deserves to have true, requited love, and this would be such a welcome miracle if it works. Thank you again for sharing your story.

  11. cheryl August 26, 2014 at 7:45 pm #

    Im meeting my ex husband tonight. Im glad I came across this artical. I was with him for 6 years on and off. He cheated, lied, faked cancer, several times and i went back each time. I was in love with him. I believed he was my happiness.

    I finally left and divorced him. But still held on to the fact that we would still be together and that he could change. I know deep in my heart that he want. I know he loves me in his own way. again I have started a new relationship with a most amazing man, but i still think of my ex daily. I will use this method and I just want to move on and let him go. I have forgave him and h knows I could never truly trust him again.

    I am a surviour! I know i can laugh again the way i did with him. I put him on a pedistal.. He says he will do anyting for me and that he still loves me.. but i want closure and i want him to know he lost a good thing…

    I have a story to tell and i want other women out there to know the signs for a nartisitc personality. one day I will write the story.

    thanks for the information
    Cheryl

  12. Lilac October 2, 2014 at 2:14 am #

    I wrote to an ex after 20 years just to say hello because I read that there was a natural disaster in his area that ruined a lot of property.
    He ignored the communication. I wrote again, asking if everything was OK.
    He wrote back saying that the felt uncomfortable hearing from me and wanted me to stop all communication. He wished me the best at the end of a 4-line note.
    We parted amicably and for a few years he wrote me until I moved to another country. I didn’t tell him I was leaving the country.
    Could he possibly still have feelings for me after all these years? He certainly didn’t seem to be indifferent.
    I was kind of shocked by his negativity. I thought we would be forever friends even if we didn’t communicate for many years. We’re both is solid long-term relationships.
    I would think that he should have been able to be cool about hearing from an ex from many years ago, who lives very far away and us both being in stable relationships.
    Could he still have feelings for me?

    • Midnight Rambler May 26, 2016 at 6:53 am #

      After 20 YEARS I’m inclined to believe his response suggests he sees no point in risking whatever he has now over something in the distant past. His current girlfriend/wife could be the jealous type and he doesn’t need the aggravation.

  13. Raoul October 26, 2014 at 8:32 pm #

    Thanks for the story Eddie. I am quite surprised most of the reactions here are from women. And also the fact that they say men can be idiots at any age ;). Believe me when I say that girls can be fools too ;). I only broke up 16 days ago. After being together for about three years and living together in our cozy apartment, where we enjoyed every single moment we had and told each other we would work for each other during bad times. I have noticed we started to grow apart from one another more than five months ago. She went on holidays with friends (both guys and girls) and came back as a different person. Later I found out she had cheated on me with one of the guys and even still texted him and saw him frequently after being back home. These weeks I experienced as very confusing. We were so happy before her trip, and after her being back she suddenly blamed me for everything. I didn’t give her enough freedom, our relationship was boring, she wanted to travel and see more of the world etc etc. Then some weeks later I found out about the guy. She cried, wanted me back, said how guilty she felt and how she wanted to work on our relationship. And as stupid as I am I gave her another chance. However, with the agreement that she would actively do her best to make things better. For example by seeking help at a psychologist. Unfortunately she never kept her promise. Later on I found out she lied to me again and again. Kept texting other boys and hurt me over and over again. Then she left me. Today I heard from friends that she is sleeping around with basically everyone possible and how she is so open minded to every guy. I feel treated so shit. I always gave my very best for both of us, was good for her, cooked for her, gave her full freedom but I was paid back with a knive in my back. And it seems like she has already forgotten me. That hurts. I hope that also I can say I am over it within a short amount of time. I know for sure typing out my thoughts helps me right now. It just feels funny how a person can tell you she loves you one day, and then be in bed with another person the other day. I hope I will get over this soon. P.s. I am no native, so my english might be off now and then.

  14. Yauna November 4, 2014 at 5:26 am #

    Hi This was a wonderful article to read. I recently broke up with my ex back in June. We were together for 5.5 years. One day we were talking and I told her that she was selfish and that day ( a day I will never forget), she told me she needed some time to work on herself, because she didn’t want to lose me. I trusted her word that she will be back, but she never really came back. She was there but not emotionally. I found out that she was talking to other Guys and that really hurt me. She had told me over and over again that she loves me and that she is still in love with me but we can’t be together right now. Every time I try the no contact phase, she will call me over and over and over again. I will eventually answer and we are back at the I love you stage. I want to get over her, but I just can’t let her go. I thought that we would be together forever, but now I feel like it was just all a dream. I pray that I am able to get over her without having a emotional break down.

  15. Stacie December 31, 2014 at 7:38 pm #

    I am so glad I read this article. I love my ex so much and still do. Sometimes I think I’m crazy for loving him so much but I also understand that I must move on to better my life. He cheated on me several times when we were together and even cried like a baby the first time he got caught cheating for me to take him back. I held on to the guy that I thought he could be rather than the guy he actually is. Even after we broke up we talked almost every day (not a good idea) He wanted to be friends so I agreed but I still loved him so much. He would tell me he loved me and wanted to get back together but his actions were different. One day I ran into him in the mall with his new girlfriend that he had previously denied seeing. I told her that we had been together and he denied it and threatened to call security on me. She seemed unbotheted and it let me see that he truly never cared and everything was just a game for him. Of course he called and apologized and wants to get back together. This just happened a few days ago but I know I must move on and let him go. He has hurt me enough already.

  16. Jenn January 25, 2015 at 5:22 am #

    Hi, thank you for writing this article. Today I was feeling a bit down because I miss my ex so much. Recently he broke up with me after 3 years of dating and the way he did it was painful. I traveled to Korea to see him and to spend time with him but things went to a different direction.. and his excuse for breaking up was that I was sensitive and I was different to his past experiences with girls… those words made me feel like I was a failure and etc. However I decided to go see him again to fiz ohr relationship but he acted like he didn’t care.. I was there alone because he was always “busy” and I only got to see him one time.. but guess what he did?! He went to see me to the place I was staying at and he just went straight to sleep . I understand he worked all night but we did not talk about us.. he would only complain about his life and etc. At that moment I felt bad for him so I let him sleep.. but he promised to see me again and that did not happen.. he didn’t reply to my messages or calls.. it has been almost 2 months and I have not heard anything from him since then. I have sent him so many messages but still no reply. I feel stupid but at the same time I miss him so much, my first love, my first boyfriend.. I feel pain everyday but I hope one day not too far from today I will be okay.

  17. Al March 1, 2015 at 12:28 pm #

    Hi Eddie,

    I cant believe i am back here again after 2 years. your articles helped me immensely when i was going through a hard time letting go of an Ex i broke up with.

    Indeed there were a whole lot of tangible reasons why i broke up with her. However, i still maintained contact with her which was what had kept me in this situation i am in, even after 4 years of breaking up with her. I remember back then that i started the journey to recovery pretty well and stayed out of contact with her for three months and as always the case had been i continuously i allowed her in only find out that things are still the same even though it always felt lovely to have her back in my life. I went on and off the no contact rule every 3 months for 4 conservative times.

    My down side is, i always gave her the chance to come back as a friend only to find out that i had not fully let go and was still wishing for the opportunity to be together. Surprisingly she always comes back when things do not go right with the current relationship she finds herself in. Well, i believe the problem is solely mine because i made it clear to her that it would not work but i still held on to her only for her to find a new person and leave. i am really torturing myself by doing this over and over again but i just can not master the courage to say enough is enough i am letting go even if i loose a leg in doing so.

    Well, here am i again starting afresh the road to recovery. i have learnt a lot of lessons and i hope my emotions do not crowd my judgement anymore so that i can see what has happened for what it is.

    I miss her though but i will continue to stick to my reasons for breaking up with her and try harder to move on. All the best to me i guess and i truly want to say i wish her well but it hurts because i know this time round she is not coming back anymore.

    Br,

    Al.

  18. Niyati Melody March 5, 2015 at 10:03 am #

    Eddie,

    I think yours will be the article and the advice in it that is going to make me get over my devastating break up of a 5-year relationship (he cheated, is with her now, moving fast and it’ll be a year soon).

    Thanks for potentially changing my life.

    -N

    • Eddie Corbano March 5, 2015 at 11:35 am #

      I’m very sorry for what happened, just follow the advice here and you’ll be feeling better soon.

      Hang in there!

      Your friend,
      Eddie

  19. Barefoot Assasin March 7, 2015 at 11:06 pm #

    my ex has always been insecure about me being in the last year and her being in the first year of college. Am graduating this year and she got on my nerves so bad that i said something very brutal and that kind of summarized or terminated our relationship. I did the no contact rule, she called me and cancelled her calls. But the what bugs me a lot is the idea that if i continue this she will just be with another guy. Trust me, this girl is very hot and just today she won the University beauty competition and some guys started saying stuff about me being mad and stupid for letting such a great creation go. As am writing this its eating me up and lord knows i have tried. What should i do ?

  20. taylor March 25, 2015 at 10:35 am #

    that indifference does not sound liberating it sounds and feels so wasteful and sad. My ex had that indifference and it pisses me off. I was an excellent BF and deserve to be thought of as more than a rock or tree on the side of the road.

  21. kyle April 22, 2015 at 1:10 am #

    Does anybody have kids and deal with this stuff? It’s been a whole year since my ex wife destroyed my soul and I hold extreme anger and hatred that consumes me. I have 2 of our 3 kids and they are what keeps me sane. But my HATE for her grows stronger everyday and although I believe I’m healed of heartbreak, my hate stops me from loving myself or figuring out what i really want with my life. Nothing helps, all i can do is read these online blogs to feel like I’m not alone. I’m scared I’ll hate her for the rest of my or her life.

  22. Don April 26, 2015 at 2:51 pm #

    I am about to break up with my wife of 24 years as she is on chat rooms with other men and has treated me horribly! I have been loving faithful and have done so much for her!
    I am now starting to realize that I will be much better off with out her and miss the 2 dogs that she is taking with her then her! I hope to find a woman that wants a loving and faithful man!
    It is so sad because we had so much together! She would rather chat with a bunch of losers on line! She will only find unhappiness and guys that will treat her like shit!
    Then again maybe thats what she needs and deserves!

  23. Sherry May 7, 2015 at 9:48 pm #

    Thank you for your article. I broke up with my fiance and I’m currently in the emotional roller coaster phase. It has only been a month but he said has “completely let go” already, acting very indifferent. It makes me feel so unimportant as if the whole relationship wasn’t real, but hearing that was critical for me to heal.

    Reading your article gave me insight in the following healing process. Thanks.

  24. Vasiliki May 13, 2015 at 7:21 pm #

    I broke up with my ex about 2 months ago, we weren’t in a relationship for very long (2 months) but we were a part of each other’s lives for about 9 months. I broke up with him because he lied to me and didn’t treat me the way I deserved to be treated. He would always act funny and a lot of his excuses sometimes wouldn’t make sense. I have no solid evidence to this day but I do believe he may have been cheating on me as well. Another thing was that he changed. When we first met he was so great and so affectionate! But once we got into a relationship it was as if he stopped trying! As if he didn’t have to try anymore because he “finally had me”. He was my first boyfriend and God I miss him so much….. The pain in unbearable at times but I have been doing NC since the day we broke up (we haven’t been in contact at all since that day). He has since moved on and started seeing another girl 2 weeks after the breakup which totally destroyed me. I know that I am much better off without him but I still care for him so much….I hope that I can get through this and come out of this in one piece. God bless you Eddie this website has been so helpful during my dark moments. I wish everyone on here the best with their journeys and may you all find the peace, love, and happiness you so truly deserve

  25. Tim June 2, 2015 at 1:05 am #

    So I found myself here after looking up things that related to my situation. My situation involves me struggling for months and I’m talking tears everyday, loss of weight, and all the long list of things that I’m sure most of you reading this could relate to. However, in the last month or two, I have started to gain my smile back, my energy, and some would say I seem to be happy again. I would agree that I do feel a lot better and have even thought to myself that I was in the last stage of being completely over her. I started to put days and weeks together of being able to work without her on my mind every second. And I literally think it was every second for at least 2 months maybe 3 months straight. I was finally able to hear the country music on the job radio without damn near crying every time I heard a “reminder” song. With that being said, I started to make all this progress and then for some reason I have suffered what I consider a setback. I’m having a few episodes of crying which I haven’t had in a while and I’m starting to think about her more frequently again. It’s kind of weird, there hasn’t been a phone call or a break of No Contact. There may have possibly been a dream which actually may explain everything but I’m really not sure why or what the reason is for this setback. I’m going on two weeks now of excessive thoughts similar to before any progress. Any thoughts people?

  26. Sad Girl June 12, 2015 at 10:40 pm #

    Hello All,

    I came across this e-mail and made me feel a bit better of my situation. I just broke up with my ex after 5 years, on and off which seems to be the common scenario here. When we first met everything was great!!! I met him at baseball game and he seemed to be ery interested in me an after that day we were always together. When I first met him, he said that he was going thru a break-up with his girlfriend and that she was “crazy” and a complete “psycho” That should have been the first red flag. After a few weeks of hanging out he asked if we could see each other more and that he really liked me. I was hesitant because I knew that he was still going thru a break-up with this woman, which he said he couldn’t stand, but still spoke to her every day. After month of dating, he asked me to be his girlfriend. He had told me that he has absolutely no contact with his ex or any of the other women that he was dating, that he began to fall in love with me. After a while of being exclusive, I began getting calls and texts from his ex, saying that he was still in love with her and that he would not leave her alone. She and I met and she showed me texts, letter, and the call logs, she was not lying. He claimed that she was “his love, his world, his everything.” I was completely heart broken and decided that I could not continue on with this relationship. He and I broke up for a 4 months and I lost weight and was finally moving on. He called me every day and came to my home asking me back and that he could let her and other go, that he loved me. After a few weeks of begging, I gave him another chance, I LOVED him and thought ” ex=happiness” that is far from the truth. He was very convincing that I thought we were happy again. After a few days, again, the calls and text from his ex and other women began to come in. I confronted him and asked how they got my number, even after I had changed it, he said “I don’t know! You probably gave it to them, since you are more concerned about them then me.” I was suspicious and one day decided o go thru his phone. His texts to his ex were the same he would send to me. That he loved her and wanted o marry her and wanted to be with her. That I meant nothing to him and that he was with my out of pity. There were not only messages to her, but several other women. Inappropriate messages. After that I ended it. I confronted him and he said that he only said those things because he wanted to make sure that I loved him and that the texts were only words that he did not see them, but I knew that it was all lies, from the texts exchanged. Again, I began to move on with my life and he continued to not let me go. After 5 months, I gave him another chance, at this point we moved in together, thinking again that he has changed. The first day that we had moved into our new home, I find out that he had picked an area where is ex lived 2 blocks away from us. I was shattered, not wonder he didn’t want me to have input in where we lived. I confronted him, he told me that she had shoved in, but that he didn’t know where she exactly lived, I knew that was not true. I let it go and things turned bad. I travel for work and one night I received pictures from his sex to my phone of her and him in my home and in bed, cuddling. Her texts read ” HA HA HA I WIN!!” As soon as I got home I moved immediately with my parents and let me go. He searched and searched me for days saying how sorry he was and how much he loved me and that he made a mistake, it was a “blurry night and full of alcohol” I never forgave him. After 5 months again, I was in the best shape of my life, because he would tell me how fat I was and that he couldn’t be with a fat girl, to get in shape. In the beginning I worked out to get back at him, but then I actually enjoyed it. I always struggled with my weight. One day I was walking home and he caught me outside my house again, begging me to take him back that nothing happened with his ex and that they were just friends, but that I meant more to him then her. I took him back again, I loved him terribly! He was good for a few months, attentive loving and no talking to his ex or other women. after 8 months he began to speak to her again and not only to her, but to other women. Telling me ” I have friends!! GET OVER IT!” Wouldn’t you want to make sure that the woman you claim to “love” is happy? If you know you have problems when your partner finds out you are speaking to your ex or other women, would you quit? He never did and still to this day continues to do so. After a while he changed. Drinking and using drugs and violent towards me. I couldn’t take it anymore and I decided to keep away from this emotional and physically violent person. I noticed that we were no longer speaking as much and we were very distant. I spoke to him about this and I told him I did not feel this was a healthy or good relationship anymore. That I was done with all the lies, manipulation and abuse. He told me, “I will always love you and you are mine. You need to work on yourself and once you are together, we can get back together. Just work on yourself, especially your diet. I have noticed you have been gaining some weight and it drives me crazy” I just shook my head and said goodbye. I am very happy that I came across this article, hopefully, someone else has gone thru something similar t my experience. I have written down you quote ” I let go of [Ex’s Name] with love and clear myself of chains to the past to make way for new love to enter my life” and I plan to star today. I need to remember who I was and what I love. Even though, he was a horrible about admitting this, I still love him and I hope to let go for good this time. He is 10 years older then me and is great shape. I always felt less then him when we were out even though I dressed up and tried to look good, make-up, shoes, hair, nails, tan skin….ect and I was still not good enough for him, But, I am starting to know that he was the one that was not good for me.

    Thank you for listening and I wish all those broken hearts a rainbow of happiness at the end of the tunnel.

    Sad Girl

    • Tonia January 2, 2016 at 5:11 pm #

      Well I have been going through the same things we broke after 4yrs and I found out he was with someone after the 3mnths living with her too but yet he still wants to have contact he will never admit that he slept with her or anything he keeps saying here are friends ,no I wasn’t the best girlfriend ,but for the last yr we separated I worked on myself giving my life to God and it still is very hard after I found out he was living with her I couldn’t eat, sleep and I lost a lot of weight.I asked him to talk one day cause I felt like I needed closure but he still will never admit anything ,he says he is hurt and that in order for him to get through this he wants to be friends ,I can’t believe crap. I hadto go through this whole thing alone cause no one understood how much I really loved this person actually, i had friends but we all were going through same things. I had to distance myself from people and work on me. Is has been hard but I have to let him go completely .I know what to do but it is hard I have my strong days and my weak moments .But I know the person i have become he doesn’t deserve .If he can be honest with himself and I shouldn’t expect him to be honest with me .

  27. Cal June 18, 2015 at 9:26 pm #

    How do you reconcile the advice of confronting your ex with the no contact rule? What is the pretense you would use for such a meeting (Can’t exactly say “Hey there, after 2 years I’m still not totally over you, and I want to meet up just so I can see if I can feel indifferent about you”)? Is this to be a one-time only meeting and then you resume no contact and cut them out of your life?

  28. Crystal July 1, 2015 at 4:06 pm #

    I absolutely loved your article. I’ve been trying to get over my ex for what feels like forever, and I know I’m changing in leaps and bounds. I was just wondering what song it was that changed everything for you?

    • Eddie Corbano July 2, 2015 at 8:26 pm #

      Unfortunately I have no idea… I’ve been trying to find that out for years but never heard it again. Weird.

  29. Connie August 7, 2015 at 5:15 am #

    I still love my ex husband, but he has moved on with someone else. And, he avoids me now because of her. After our divorce, we remained friends for two years and even tried reconciliation, but he wasn’t fully on board. I guess we both had doubts and concerns. But, I miss him terribly and regret not reconciliating. I needed some more time to sort things out. And, he seemed to need that too. Now, it’s too late. He has a new woman and stopped contacting me. A part of me wants to respect them and not interfere. But, I still love and care for him so much it’s hurting. I wonder if I should let him know. Most likely, he will turn me down. But, maybe that’s what I need in order to get over him. Advice is appreciated.

    • Eddie Corbano August 7, 2015 at 9:07 pm #

      I advice against it… a negative response (or no response at all) will throw you miles back in your recovery and destroy your self-esteem. Don’t give him control over you!

  30. Cristin September 8, 2015 at 6:52 pm #

    I still love my ex. He never moved on…even though he admitted that most of what went wrong was within himself and he thought I did an great job dealing with it as things fell apart. I moved on (sort of). We both knew a man who was in love with me and I settled. I knew when I settled that I was settling, but I wanted a home, security and more children. The first couple years of my new relationship, my ex and I had back slides somewhat regulary. We would put rules in place to avoid the pitfalls, but one minute of laxness and there would be something as simple as a kiss that would shatter us. If you’ve ever seen 2 people where the sexual tension nearly sparks in the air…that is us. Trying to move on with my partner, I cut off all contact, except for him with his kids. I did not talk to him, I didn’t send him happy birthdays or Christmas cards. I could never quite bring myself to marry my partner though.
    Fast forward 14 years, I have 3 children with the man who loves me, a home, security AND an ever present unquenchable desire for my ex.
    In July I took our kids (his and mine with my partner) on vacation. Just me alone with the kids, but I had to stop by his house on the way back to drop 2 off for his visit. We sat and talked like no time had ever passed. I drank some wine trying to get the courage to really talk to him and then, foolish me, followed the wine with a beer. Doesn’t everyone know not to do that? I lost my cookies all over his deck and he was great about it. He hosed off the deck, got my shoes, took me to the car to get clean clothes and got me in the shower. Moment passed. Blessing? I don’t know.
    This past weekend I had to go to his Mom’s house to drop the kids off for a visit and stayed overnight because we were going to see an elder care lawyer the following morning regarding a care plan and guardianship for his aging mother and the whole conversation I wanted to have in July came to the surface in a sober atmosphere for both of us. I nearly touched his shoulder…seems so simple, but it would have been our complete undoing. I don’t know where to go from here. I have to think of my children (his and my partners) before myself. I want to hate him or be indifferent to him, but, in all honesty, I do not think that is ever possible. I want to love my partner who is not a bad person just not my ex. I might be a horrible person or maybe I am just human.

    • Ed May 4, 2016 at 4:29 pm #

      Hi Christin my situation is similar to yours and the article. I have been split from my ex for nearly one and a half years. We were together for 8 although it was on and off at the end.
      So a little bit of background. I have aspergers so can struggle with intense situations but on the whole do OK, my ex has low self-esteem and wanted to spend nearly every available moment with me, she also has her own very strong moral compass and she felt others and myself should act as she would, which would cause lots of conflict between us.
      Basically when we were good we were great she was my best friend and I believed sole mate but when things weren’t good it was stifling and becamet o much for me. Eventually I left her for good and tried moving on with my life.
      I did no contact for about 6 months & when she contacted me I was pretty much OK with it despite thinking about her everyday, the contact lasted a few days via text message then faded away this happens every 3 or so months now, I never ask if she’s seeing anyone as I don’t want to know but just assumed she was/had and I always kept things brief. I am still friends with her brother on facebook but not her and we never discuss her.
      Fast forward to now, I’m in a new relationship for sometime with someone who is very understanding of my condition, it is going well although I still think about my ex in some form all be it briefly on a daily basis. 2 weeks ago my ex texts again and we have a brief conversation about the cat we got together and she said she now realizes she has issues, I didn’t want to comment too much but told her she was brave to admit it and it was the first step to getting help, she agreed and the conversation ended with the usual “speak soon”

      2 days ago I was on facebook about to go to bed and I saw a picture of her brothers family, I was about to comment when I saw that she already had done and her profile picture was of her and another man looking really happy, it was like being shot, I instantly closed facebook and tried to distract myself but got hardly any sleep. I got a friend to bloke her profile for me so I wouldn’t have to see it again and have restricted what I can see from her brother.
      For some reason this has hit me hard, it’s not with me all the time but I’m struggling to sleep and when I do my dreams are about her. I thought I was pretty much over her, I still have love for her and want her to be OK and happy but I was moving forward with my life and thought I was doing well, I was doing fine with the brief occasional contact we had and felt fairly indifferent about it. I always new that she would start a new relationship at some point and has every right to but for some reason it has been a blow to me and I don’t want it to effect my current relationship or my life but I’m starting to wonder if subconsciously I’ve been holding on to hope concerning my ex.
      Who else been/going through something similar and how did/do you manage?

  31. hurting October 2, 2015 at 2:34 am #

    Hi Eddie.. i used ur site a long time ago when obsessing over my first break up. Eventually in time i go there but instantly found myself in an 18 month love triangle. It has finally come to a close and i understand all the reasons for moving on. My heart just cant accept it and im going through withdrawals. I also have to work with her. Any advice?

    Just want a happy life back.

  32. Nate October 6, 2015 at 4:32 am #

    Hey, I’m on the last step of letting go, I had a three year girlfriend and was in love with her( at least what I thought was love) but she cheated on me and then said she loved him as much as me and couldn’t choose between us, so I broke up with her. It broke my heart. Its been about a year and since then I had cried, thought about going back to her (didn’t), heard she got married to the dude, accepted that I’m better off, and had another girlfriend( we broke up too but we are still friends) and don’t really think about her, but I had a dream about her last night where me and her where happy together, and when I woke up I really missed her. All through out the work day I thought about her and the dream and it just made me sad. I havent thought about her for a couple months now and thought I was over her but know I’m having memories and stuff come back( all the good ones like staying up late txting, holding hands, dancing, just being with her) and it hurts, not as bad as when we broke up, but it still hurts.
    Any advice you can give me would really help, I’m just kinda lost on where to go from here.
    Nathan.

  33. Aprilaces October 13, 2015 at 8:11 pm #

    Over the summer at a very low point in my life, unexpectedly I met a highly compassionate man that I took things slow with and eventually fell HEAD OVER HEELS for.

    During our 3rd month, he started to change. The man that was sympathetic, understanding, faithful and caring became very insecure, flirtatious with other woman and started to care less. I confronted him and he was honest, stated that his finances, living situation and having no car was getting to him. I told him all those things will be fixed soon… He then mentioned the number one issue which was the fact that he wasn’t over his ex.

    At first I was devastated, but I cared too much to let this go. I let him vent, and still carried the relationship. We still went on as though nothing happened, there was no ex, however, he went back to the flirting, crying over his ex and feeling sorry for himself. One day I had enough and asked him how would he feel if I treated him the way he treated me. I never got a direct response to that question, only that they weren’t mentally stable, not over their ex, and had a lot of issues. I made the hard choice to close the door. I realized that I would never be respected as long as I kept myself in that situation. I wasn’t in love with this man, but his former self and the idea of the beautiful relationship we once had. He has gotten a car, still flirts with other women, goes on with his life as though I was never there.

    It hurts still, and I initiated NC about 3 weeks ago often having to stop myself and think deeply about everything which has happened between us. For me, I love deeply, and I was ready for a full relationship. I put my all into this relationship and was there for this man, who in turn was emotionally unavailable for me especially the end of the relationship…

    I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, if either one of us will reconcile, or meet someone else. But reading this article for right now in the present made me once again realize my own self importance and worth. Unfortunately sometimes we get involved with people who may not be ready for a full commitment and while they think you are a great person, they just are not that into you. Especially if the relationship was intense and followed trauma (me being sick, his breakup). I had to remove myself from feeling rejected and see the bigger picture. If I gave this man my all, and he thought I was so amazing as he said, why are we not together right now… Because its not right.

    I encourage you all to make sure you think deeply about you first, before allowing another moment spent wallowing in pity over basically a fantasy. Think about the reality now. And its not worth your tears or pain. We all have something to offer someone who will appreciate it. Never forget that. Trust me, its hard sometimes, but life goes on, and you will meet someone special. <3

  34. ArtInChicago October 18, 2015 at 6:27 pm #

    I’m in my 50’s. So is my soon to be ex-wife. I was working remotely and flying home regularly.(yeah, I get the long distance challenge, but I thought we were old enough, had sown our wild oats and were committed to our marriage. ) I called and texted daily, was home several days per month and even telecommuted to be home for extended periods.
    She says she wants to divorce me from an argument we had in October 2013. Mind you, she tells me this in July 2015 via an effen email with an mpg attachment. She then tells me not to contact her again, via email, with her attorney’s email addressed attached. All while I was out of town on a work assignment and had recently gotten out of the hospital. While I was out of town. Yeah, there were signs but she said it was her dealing with the death of her mother and sister and a difficult boss at work. I was there for her during all of those challenges. I attributed it to that. In other words I believed what she said to me.

    Though we traveled, did the holidays together and the like and she knew I was working an impossible job, she started a relationship. The depth of the betrayal is staggering. Mind you, I STILL love this woman though she has been involved and probably moved on from the marriage a year and a half ago. I filed for divorce and we go to court in a couple of weeks. When I came back permanently from my assignment at the end of August, I made one more effort to say my marriage. She then yelled on the phone “I no longer love you that way!” okee dokee. Haven’t contacted her since. Her birthday and our wedding anniversary were a few days ago. Again, no contact.

    Over the past few weeks, she sent cards to my mother and my friends, kinda saying she was sorry for how things transpired. As much as I love this woman, I love my self more. No not narcissistic, just more of self preservation from someone who told me she doesn’t love me. Mind you, forget heartbreak. I truly hope no one feels the pain nor hears the sound of their soul shattering, as I experience with my marriage relationship. No matter how much I love her today, I will not go back to that. It’s a painful revelation to realize the person who I would have taken a bullet for is the one that is pulling the trigger to the gun.

  35. Lucy December 16, 2015 at 1:42 am #

    Hi, I’m Lucy. I too have written articles about my ex, and the different phases over getting over the relationship. Some articles are specifically about the process of getting over the most significant relationship I’ve ever had (so far), but I think for the two years I’ve been blogging (@ getresurgatized (dot) com), it’s shown my process in it’s entirety, and it is a great reference for me, to read my previous posts, and see how far I’ve come.
    I know what i felt, and I know what I feel now. It’s it empowering to know that you are at least making changes and progress? In whatever way that is for all of us. Just a few days ago I found my “indifference” as you put it, because my ex reached out to me (again after a long silence), and he gave me the perfect opportunity to “test” where I was at, and I’m so proud and happy to have felt nothing, and to be out of the emotional hold!

  36. Ron December 28, 2015 at 1:41 pm #

    My situation is a bit different.

    We split over 1 1/2 years ago and we’ve both moved on. We have two kids and I basically let her dumb decisions piss me off because they affect our kids in more ways than she is able to comprehend. What can I do to stop letting her choices make me mad or anxious?

  37. wyatt January 6, 2016 at 3:42 am #

    I listened to the audio but never saw where you take the “healing test”?

    • Eddie Corbano January 6, 2016 at 12:30 pm #

      Hi Wyatt, link to the “Healing Test” is in the first email you received (it may have gone into your spam folder, could you please check there?).

  38. jen January 7, 2016 at 7:00 pm #

    Honestly, not long ago, I know I still haven’t moved on with my 1st ex bf. We were in a relationship for almost a year. I thought I’d never get over him ever.

    I was the one who left him 3 yrs ago due to compatibility issues and he pleaded and cried to me but I thought that our relationship don’t work anymore and so I wrote him a letter saying that if he really loves me, he will have the initiative to avoid me coz I can’t, I really loved him and it’s really hard for me.

    After a year I heard he got into a new relationship, I was suddenly really hurt and so I contacted him and asked if he still loves me and he said that he doesn’t love me anymore. I was so frustrated, that time there was a guy who likes me, I kinda like him too and so I dated him and answered yes immediately. We ended only for 2 months, I kinda felt guilty thinking that I was just using him to get over my 1st bf, it was more of a rebound relationship.

    And so 2 years passed, I still cry for him sometimes, I still think of him late at night, wondering when will I ever move on and if I ever will. And then 3 months ago. Me and my friend went to a park. When I got home, a guy added me on facebook, he was really familiar, and I remember I saw him a few times years ago in that park I went to and thought of him before as pretty hot LOL. He chatted me, I hesitated to reply at first because after my 1st relationship, I felt like I do not know the feeling to be close again to another guy. And then a day passed I was bored and so I replied to him. I asked him how he added me on fb, he said that he had a crush on me when he saw me there in the park also a few times years ago and when he finally saw me again that day, he asked my name to his friend, and I was kinda surprised that someone knows my name there.

    And as months passed, I noticed that I seldom think of my 1st bf, Or it doesn’t hurt anymore if he suddenly comes to my mind. Maybe because I was now treating this guy, the way I was with my 1st bf, the way I was in our past relationship, the way I wanted in a relationship. I was really kinda introvert, I thought I’d never ever gonna show this character of mine again to someone else, my silly and sassy side to another guy, like the cartoon Pucca to Garru, or in the movie My Sassy Girl.

    So yeah, maybe I’ve already moved on.

    For me, I think that moving on is just a matter of getting used to.
    In a way like getting used to be without that person in your life anymore, or getting used to someone else, and finding a new life experience that could make you happy again. Really I thought i’d never get over my 1st bf, but I was wrong.

  39. Chelsea January 25, 2016 at 3:00 pm #

    Hi Eddie,

    Great post! I am about six months post-breakup from the man I thought I would marry and this blog helped me tremendously. I went through the roller coaster, moved past it and can NOT believe how much better I feel. I’m rebuilding my life and actually HAPPY. My question is–I feel like I’m ready to take the next step. I would like to face him and not feel anything. I think most of all, I just want to see him objectively–not as the rose-colored version I saw before. My question is–we don’t live in the same city anymore so I’m not going to bump into him accidentally. Is the best way to do this just to initiate a conversation? Face him? Ask him some of the questions I wanted to know when we broke up so suddenly? What’s the best approach to make this happen? I think I want to ask him generally what happened from his perspective–if there was anything going on that he didn’t tell me about at the time (other women, etc…), and if he thinks he made the right decision. What do you think?

    • Eddie Corbano January 25, 2016 at 6:18 pm #

      Hi Chelsea, are you a member of the DETOX Course? We have a checklist there that might help you with the decision to see whether you are ready or not.

      If you think that you are ready to meet him, just write him a short email/text and say that you’d like to meet in person. No fluff talk, just get to the point…

  40. Cindy January 28, 2016 at 8:54 pm #

    My ex (we’ll call him Don) ended our 3 year relationship March 3, 2014 asking me for space, I was blindsided. I aodored him and he was the same with me. We had a fight the weekend before and I now revognize my part in our issues in the relationship.
    The first 6 weeks we had contact then saw he had added someone on fb and I confronted him to then not hear anything from him for exactly 30 days. There was something that went on between him and the girl, I’m guessing she didn’t want to pursue it further. The day after his birthday I got the drunken phone call. We have been off and on ever since that night. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing continuing this rollercoaster. I am always heartbroken. I have zero trust for him. We can’t get through a week without me feeling like I am not at all a priority to him. This past week we agreed to try yet again, I thought I would try to let go of my insecurities and stop my overthinking. I noticed someone on his fb that he has liked every picture of and even commented on the one picture in December the same day that he msg me freaking out because he thought I was dating someone he knew, he even went as far as saying he would put a ring on my finger. So this past Saturday we went out but he went home early ( he works 3 jobs) because he was tired and had to work
    at 7am next morning. Well on Monday someone had posted a bonfire picture with him tagged in it. So I asked when the fire was, he says Saturday so of course I say wow ok too tired to be with me but you leave me to be with all of your new friends( he has moved to a different town, new friends, new hang outs and has pretty much abandoned all of his old friends). So he says they called him asking for him to bring skids of wood for the fire. So ok great the thing is if he would have told me that then I wouldn’t have been blindsided by the post, if I trusted him it also wouldn’t be an issue but because he has done so many things to make me question him I feel like I’m waiting for him to screw up.
    He keeps insisting he only dropped wood off and didn’t stay. Well why would they tag someone who wasn’t there. I feel like a giant doormat. I finally told him I believed him and he should have told me or then not make plans with me if he wants to be with these new friends. That it made it look like he left me to go be with them. Anyways, I wanted the convo to end so I told him to have a good day at work. He said thanks you too. So I asked him if he wanted to go for coffee and I haven’t heard a word since. I know I need to walk away. I know I have my own issues to work on but I do recognize them and want to better myself. I was confident and so positive right after I left my ex husband 6 years ago. I felt like a million bucks. Now I feel like nothing I do is good enough for Don. I feel old and insecure. He is 9 years younger then me. I don’t know how to move on or walk away. It’s like Groundhog Day…..I know I want more for me. Oh and we are both going to be on a group trip to Cuba in April with all of our mutual friends I made through him which I’m surprised he is going on because he complains about them and how left out he feels, yet he is the one who left and never goes to anything they invite him to. Apparently his old friends say this is a pattern for him. They all tell me he was an ass before he met me and even with his previous girlfriends he was an ass, but they thought I was the one. He became responsible, he showed up to things, he adored me. But know he’s an ass again. If he has this new life, new friends I don’t get why he tells me he wants to get back what we had. Or he is enjoying this game of pulling me back in.

  41. z March 7, 2016 at 3:52 pm #

    Hi,

    I have been in the same thing for many years im heading to 4 years next month. This guy is my first love. But he has broken up with me or gone AWOL over 50 times, he has had 3 other relationships and ive had none where im not allowed to go off with anyone else but he doesnt need to commit to me and he breaks me down constantly however, always tries to come back into my life, i put it down as he loves me but doesnt know it yet but i think now he is taking the piss and enjoys eating his cake- he doesnt care if he hurts me and how much i cry- he does not take me seriously. He talks about his ex’s that he loved them and constantloy makes me feel insecure but he doesnt let me go. When things are good they are amazing the high I get when i am around him however, he totally disregards my feeling and hurts me.

    I am stuck and dont know what to do and today i told him that is it and blocked him- he is probably thinking i will unblock him as i always do.

  42. Ed May 4, 2016 at 6:50 am #

    Hi, my situation is similar to the article. I have been split from my ex for nearly one and a half years. We were together for 8 although it was on and off at the end.
    So a little bit of background. I have aspergers so can struggle with intense situations but on the whole do OK, my ex has low self-esteem and wanted to spend nearly every available moment with me, she also has her own very strong moral compass and she felt others and myself should act as she would, which would cause lots of conflict between us.
    Basically when we were good we were great she was my best friend and I believed sole mate but when things weren’t good it was stifling and becamet o much for me. Eventually I left her for good and tried moving on with my life.
    I did no contact for about 6 months & when she contacted me I was pretty much OK with it despite thinking about her everyday, the contact lasted a few days via text message then faded away this happens every 3 or so months now, I never ask if she’s seeing anyone as I don’t want to know but just assumed she was/had and I always kept things brief. I am still friends with her brother on facebook but not her and we never discuss her.
    Fast forward to now, I’m in a new relationship for sometime with someone who is very understanding of my condition, it is going well although I still think about my ex in some form all be it briefly on a daily basis. 2 weeks ago my ex texts again and we have a brief conversation about the cat we got together and she said she now realizes she has issues, I didn’t want to comment too much but told her she was brave to admit it and it was the first step to getting help, she agreed and the conversation ended with the usual “speak soon”

    2 days ago I was on facebook about to go to bed and I saw a picture of her brothers family, I was about to comment when I saw that she already had done and her profile picture was of her and another man looking really happy, it was like being shot, I instantly closed facebook and tried to distract myself but got hardly any sleep. I got a friend to bloke her profile for me so I wouldn’t have to see it again and have restricted what I can see from her brother.
    For some reason this has hit me hard, it’s not with me all the time but I’m struggling to sleep and when I do my dreams are about her. I thought I was pretty much over her, I still have love for her and want her to be OK and happy but I was moving forward with my life and thought I was doing well, I was doing fine with the brief occasional contact we had and felt fairly indifferent about it. I always new that she would start a new relationship at some point and has every right to but for some reason it has been a blow to me and I don’t want it to effect my current relationship or my life but I’m starting to wonder if subconsciously I’ve been holding on.
    Has anyone else been/going through something similar and how did/do you manage?

  43. Brokenhearted May 13, 2016 at 7:38 am #

    I have just split up from a romance. It’s just been gutting because we said we would always be friends but we work together and since the split he has acted like a stranger. No one at work knew we were seeing each other. I have had to go into work devestated and heartbroken and I coudlnt stop crying . Then he did something sweet for a female colleague and I was devestated again. I was so hurt and humiliated and I couldn’t say anything. Anyway after that I blocked him and I did have a panic because I thought I shoudl t have but to be honest it’s stopped me checking up on him. He probably hasn’t even noticed im not on his friends list anymore . I just feel ill never meet anyone again, is knocked my confidence and I feel ugly. I just want to meet a sweet kind guy to share a future with . I am trying to move on though and I need to learn to love myself more and put more value on myself. I know there are good men out there and I so t want to be cynical . I will try the affirmation everyday . Thank you Eddie

  44. Alondra June 3, 2016 at 8:06 pm #

    HI Eddie,
    I’ve been over and over reading blogs and different webpages during this week, until I finally found this one and I’m grateful.
    In my case, I’m the “new girlfriend”, that hopes to move forward with a divorced man that, apparently, is over his ex (break-up was 1,5 years ago too), he’s happy with me, making plans together and telling me how much he loves me and I’ve helped to go over all of the sufffering of the break-up.

    The thing is that I can sense how he’s still paying attention, to what she does, to whom she’s seeing and he cares about her not knowing too much about me or our newly relationship. And I just can’t stand the idea of losing him, over something that is already in the past. (supposedly)

    The extra seasoning here, is that they have a kid. That complicates everything. I’m not asking to be introduced to the kid just yet, but eventually, that’ll have to happen. What I’m asking here, is for him to face the fact that he has some unsolved issues with his ex, and that if he doesn’t do something about it, I will not be able to fully commit to and trust our relationship.

    I’m going to show him this article. It just nails it.

    Thanks again for sharing your story.

    Regards from the other side of the globe.

  45. Daniel Santos June 10, 2016 at 10:46 pm #

    Its just more difficult when you have kids.

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