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How I Finally Let Go Of My Ex – The Last Step

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When we are no longer able to change a situation – we are challenged to change ourselves. – Viktor E. Frankl

Many years ago, I was on the road to meet a friend who lived in a town quite far away. This happened approximately a year and a half after my life-changing break-up.

I was OK back then. I was essentially over my Ex. I had accepted the fact that it was over and I knew we wouldn’t get back together again. I was already in another relationship, and yes she came to my mind now and then, but I was able to handle it.

Again, I was OK.

Or so I thought.

What happened on that long lonesome trip threw me off my path so completely that I would never have believed it was possible.

But on the other hand, it was a blessing because it was the last step I had to take to completely get over her and finally let go of her.

What happened?

It all started with a song.

Now I know what you think – not an “our song” kind of song. It was something completely different.

The radio played an unfamiliar song that touched me on such a deep level that I never thought was possible. The lyrics and the melody knocked me out completely.

This song brutally brought to my mind what I once had, and what I was missing so dearly for such a long time, even though I was already in another relationship.

It was there all the time, close to the surface, waiting to push through.

I pulled my car over and started to weep like a small child for over 30 minutes.

After I composed myself again, I couldn’t believe what had happened. Wasn’t I over her? How come I lost it so easy?

Please read on.

The Last Resistance

While you move through all the phases of break-up recovery, with every step you bring yourself closer to the ultimate goal or “the big indifference” as I call it.

“The big indifference” is something you need in order to say you are truly “over your Ex”.

Because one fact that remains is that you’re NOT over your Ex and you haven’t let go until you can stand in front of them, talk to them and feel NOTHING. Just a distant memory of a once held emotion. (I know that this seems impossible for you today, but ultimately this will happen).

But before you reach that goal, there is one big bump on the road – the one I was facing at that time, triggered by a simple love song.

What happened that day was that in spite of being over her, I just hadn’t “let go of her” yet.

Where is the difference?

I went through all the phases. I followed the No-Contact Rule. I suffered through the “emotional roller-coaster”. I consciously accepted the fact that we were not together and would never be again. I re-discovered myself and learned to live alone. I found a life-goal, loved myself and found a wonderful girl who I started a relationship with.

And after all that, I still broke down hearing a silly, cheesy song?

A Powerful Belief

My problem was that in my head there was this mathematical equation I had set up so long ago. It was simple but effective and still held power over me.

It looked like this:

[happiness] = [Ex's Name]

and

no [Ex's Name] = no [happiness]

A simple belief that was so powerful that it made me break down after 1 1/2 years of breakup recovery. It was there from the beginning without me even realizing it. Lurking, waiting to come out in the open.

Never underestimate the power of a single belief.

Now that I knew what went wrong, what held me back all this time, I could approach that problem directly.

I did that in two ways.

How To Finally Let Go Of Your Ex

I knew how powerful affirmations are. I used them heavily in the acceptance-phase, so I was certain that they would help me also with this problem.

Affirmations are the best way to change false beliefs, (break-up recovery essentially boils down to one thing – changing a set of powerful beliefs).

So I came up with this one:

“I let go of [Ex's Name] with love and clear myself of chains to the past to make way for new love to enter my life”

Applied as usual: 3 times a day, 25 times in front of a mirror and one time in writing.

Let me tell you – it worked WONDERS.

After only 14 days, I felt a huge relief, as if a heavy weight I didn’t even knew existed was being lifted from my shoulders. The invisible blockade that was lingering in my newly formed relationship was removed so it started to thrive, and an overall well-being flooded my soul.

That was it. Mission accomplished?

Not yet. One last thing to do.

Remember? The “big indifference”.

Well that turned out very unexpectedly.

3 weeks after that road-trip-incident, I received a strange letter. It was an invitation to a wedding.

You guessed right.

The Final Pedestal-Test

My Ex was about to get married, and she invited ME to it.

I don’t have to tell you how I felt at that moment. I mean, even after 1 1/2 years it still was a huge shock. I knew that she had a new boyfriend, but she was getting married?

As much as I was shocked about this I knew that this was THE opportunity to test whether I had reached the “top” of my break-up recovery journey.

So I decided to go.

But I can tell you, to say I was anxious about it is an understatement. I was terrified. But I realized how important this could be for me.

The day of the wedding celebration approached and in my mind I was there a thousand times already. I knew what I planned to do. I would react as if nothing ever happened, putting on a big smile, but I still had that lingering fear of suffering a meltdown like what had occurred on that road.

Luckily it turned out differently.

Fast forward to the wedding celebration, entering the ballroom, seeing her for the first time after 12 months and I felt NOTHING.

Absolutely NOTHING. Like I was looking at a complete stranger.

She seemed to be more afraid of it than I was, because she completely avoided eye-contact at all costs.

At that time, I was in great shape, in fact the best shape of my life. I was confident, cocky, well dressed. In short – I was a catch.

At first I thought, “[her name] look what you are missing out on and look what a jerk you have standing next to you”, and I really smiled thinking this.

But then it shifted.

Suddenly I started to care less and less about what she was thinking of me. I was just in the now, enjoying the moment.

It was as if I suddenly got a good portion of power back that I was missing for so long. Slowly I started to feel free again. Really free.

So I went up to them and everybody was staring at me wondering what I would do, (most of the guests knew my former relationship to the bride).

I stood in front of them in that super cool black suit I wore and I heartily congratulated them both on their wedding. I wished them all the best for their forthcoming life together, and went back to my table. Full of confidence, pride and power.

I never felt better in my life than I did that day.

I had people coming up to me congratulating me for what I did and for the way I did it.

It was a complete victory.

It was the day I finally let go of my Ex and started a new life.

How To Take The Last Step of Getting Over Your Ex

Now, I don’t recommend doing what I did back then as a test whether you are over your Ex or not. The implications could be disastrous. At the beginning of your break-up recovery journey, it is advisable to respectfully decline invitations like the one I got.

Whether it’s time or not to face your Ex solely depends on your progress in your recovery. Do it at the beginning, and you will crash and burn. Instead, do it when you:

  • have accepted the fact that you’re no longer together
  • do not want them back
  • have gone through the emotional roller-coaster
  • basically feel alright

and you will profit from it.

For me, it was 1 1/2 years after the break-up, which was actually rather late. It took me a while to figure out how you can speed up the recovery process substantially.

For me, it was exactly the right time for what I needed to do. If I hadn’t, my recovery most certainly would have gone on much longer.

So what is letting go?

It is a conscious process of discarding the belief that only your Ex holds the key to your happiness. It is the final step you need to take before you can say that you are over your Ex, and you are ready to start a new relationship.

But what if your Ex is not available for confrontation?

Then we must take hold of different measures.

The Desensitization Method

There is a technique where you consciously expose yourself to your memories with your Ex in order to “desensitize”. You do this for one hour by going through your pictures, videos and stored memories.

The most important thing here is to really dig deep, and to completely allow yourself to get into it. Get emotional, cry if you have to. Continue despite the pain you feel, and do this until you feel numb.

It’s basically the same as confronting your Ex, only “virtually”.

After you’ve done this you will feel exhausted and completely numb and indifferent. Good. This means it worked.

But again, only do this if you fit the preconditions I’ve listed above! Otherwise it will throw you miles back. Trust me.

Conclusion

If your break-up was longer than one year ago and you have gone through the main phases of break-up recovery – and you generally feel OK, but still feel there is something holding you back, then I recommend taking this “last step”.

I get many emails from readers asking the same thing. They cannot believe that after that much time, they still suffer:

I do wonder though, why after a full year, I’m still thinking about him as much as I do. I worry that I cannot move on fully.

The reason for this is, in most cases, an unrealistic over-idealization of the Ex.

Consciously letting go means saying goodbye to that limiting belief that only your Ex means happiness and no one else.

I did that back then and it almost instantly improved my life, my relationship, and my view to life.

I am sure you can too.

Your friend,
Eddie

Make your Ex suffer! Click here to watch my FREE presentation:
"How To Make Your Ex Regret They Broke Up With You"

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About The Author:

is a breakup-coach, relationship-advisor and founder of LovesAGame. He suffered from a devastating break up in 1998. Since then, he dedicated his life to helping others getting the best of this existential experience. The overcoming of a break up is an important step to autonomy and independency. Eddie Corbano developed some new coaching programs, which focus on evolving inner strength and the power to set and reach any personal goal. (Article written on August 24th, 2011)
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  • Determined

    Great to see another new article from you Eddie.  Thanks again.

    • Determined

      My breakup has been 13 months now.  I am still not over it.  I am not in a new relationship.  I have tried dating, but those dates have not turned into anything.  I hide it, but I am very sad and angry most of the time.  Memories haunt me, even thought I try to push them away.  I have used NC pretty well, and no cheating.  This is the first time I have heard desensitizing to be used as a tool.  I know I am not ready to see her pictures.  More time is needed for me.

      • Another determined guy

        Dear Determined,

        I’m very much in your stage. 11 months since break up. No contact. No cheating. Not ready to see her pictures. More time needed.

        Care to share details? Just in case, if that helps. 

        Thanks,
        Another determined guy

      • patty

        i have also the same experience try a bit more harder,i know how painful it is but for our own selfbeing we need to get over these people ,while we are nursing our wounds these people move on without a thought about us crossing their minds.

  • Barb

    Thanks dear Eddie for sharing your story with us.:)

  • Anonymous

    Wow, this is one of the best posts you’ve made in a while. Great stuff Eddie. The ability for things to linger on subconsciously never ceases to amaze me. I’ve had a similar experience myself. I went through the whole recovery process, got over it, moved on with my life and was totally happy on my own and yet I was still secretely idealizing how special what I once had was. Once I finally let go and adopted a more realistic memory of what my relationship really consisted of, I was able to allow new love into my life again.Since I work in the break up area as well, I can definitely relate to going to great lengths just to make sure that I’m fully over my ex. I’ve never seen any of my ex’s get married but I can sure imagine what a powerful feeling that was for you.

  • readytocrossover

    Thanks Eddie, this article is great, now I’m going 2 read it again…so much information. I really like your site! :-)

  • Roshanbernard

    Its been 1 and half years since i broke up…And when i read the artical i felt u wrote this for me.:-)…i am in a new relationship, but yeah may be i still think about her.Since i erased all the memories of her like pictures and videos.I cant do this last step…..
      Whenever i start to think about her.Automatically, i also try to think of the the disastrous month i spent after break up.And how i lived through it.I am sure, i will overcome her…..Thanks a lot eddie….this post was really helpfull…
    regards,
    Berny

  • Dee

    When I first started coming to this site it was such a help for me on my path to getting over my break up. I am so thankful for this site and all the support I got from coming here. I am proud to say that I am so far from where I was. I have finally reached the I am over this stage.For the first time since my break up 7 months ago, I looked at photos of me and my ex and I felt nothing. Now I can look at them and recall a happy time I shared with this man. Things changed and now we have both moved on with our lives. My self esteem was so poor and my self worth was too. I have been working hard to get that back and I can look at myself in the mirror now and when I say to myself ” I love you ” I mean it. I now look at my break up as a blessing that helped set me free. I speak up for myself now and dont look for validation from others. I have worked hard on me and think now I come from a far different place than where I used to be. As hard as break ups can be, Please do the hard work because the way you feel after is a great reward.  

  • Starrrynight72

    Mr. Corbano, Your letters have helped me deal with my break up, and all the painful things that go with it, better than any other site I have found. I want to thank you for what you are doing from the very bottom of my heart.Thank you!!
                                                                          Vicky

  • april014

    From day 1 of my break up until now (it’s already been more than 1 yr ) I have been reading all of the articles here in your website and they are very effective for me. I was able to understand myself and love myself even more.This one is another remarkable article for me. After a year of my break up I can say I’m already over him… however sometimes when I have a glimpse of him with his baby and wife, I still feel a stroke of pain in my heart. Maybe inside I haven’t  let go yet…
    I’m afraid that I’m a slow learner at this but somehow this article helps me to continue on moving on and letting him go completely..I hope I will be able to reach this level that I won’t be feeling any pain anymore even if i see him in person.

    Thanks a lot Eddie! You’re articles really help us “brokenhearted people” to feel a lot better about ourselves; that someone like you could really understand and define what we are really feeling and could give us a practical and effective advice on how to fully recover over a painful break up.
    You’re the best! ><,

  • Angelo

    Hi Eddie , your letter is great one proble
    I read all this and I know what to doubt when I am in her presence or heard about hear I forget everything. I try to talk myself out and be self aware but as long we interact each other I forget and left my guard down. She told me a month ago ” I love you and want to come back” I was happy but caution . We meet on the weekend and we watch tv no kiss just a ” take it slow” since she change her mind. She is a dating website , me as well ” I even said good luck” she replied ” you are not what I am looking for now with lol”.. So I start dating and having fun. Today we had a wake and we saw each other. We didn’t talk but I felt anxious , talk myself out , explaining why she is not good for me and I should keep posture . We when to eat later with my ex wife( they are friends) she show me a ring she wanted, she kick me because I did early , she mention a restaurant when all met. But I wasn’t really uncomfortable I’ve been worse. Did the no contact rule but she always finds a way to txt me and me answering. She knows a love her but I know is impossible and we are not coming back . Today I felt uneasy , not sad but when we said good bye we kiss on the cheek on both side and she reach for my head and twist my finger so I twist her too plus I try to head lock her head but I stop because my ex was there and she said we are not in 6th grade anymore. Touching her hand felt good of course but I don’t need her to be happy . I want to be happy myself and I am still looking to love me myself more and found a passion or hobby . After today I should follow no contact rule , again, sorry Eddie and stick to it. Have to be strong . I am an immigrat and z citizen and zero family. That made it harder. If you have family and friends I will recommend hang with then . If not therapy helps. I need to let her ago. I fall twice and I can’t do it. She is a problem and needs to be solve: how? No contact, find a hobby or a passion, work harder, date online or just in bars, work out. It’s difficult I know. I still don’t have the balls to tell her : fuck off and leave alone nut that just not me. So no contact .. I will try .. Drinking is ok but is not the way to go . You can get depressed .thanks Eddie. Inside off me: fuck her. !!! Love urself and if you are not happy you can not make someone else happy.that is key. Hard to do but not impossible. Damn it. ( she is 26 . One kid. me 0, live 25 minutes away,mother day , father workalcoholic and some self stem issues.. But I sense good and a great butt haha .)

  • Tor

    Eddie, this article is amazing.. i havent written on the blog for a while because i let go of the first phase of the process a while ago.. the desperation and disbelief and i let others that had just started it have their say.. i do still follow.. its been nearly 8 months and i feel ok mostly because im starting my degree and following my goals and this year has been remarkable career wise but emotional nightmare.. but i did it! i found myself in tears last night and i logged in and here was your article.. i know i havent let go of him and it makes lots of sense.. iv a little way to go but i just wanted to thankyou.. and yes he is not my happiness!! x

  • Anna

    Eddie, thank you so much.
    My break-up took place 3 (!!!) years ago, and I thought I was totally over it. In fact, one year ago my ex wrote me a letter saying he loved me and was missing our friendship etc etc. – and I wrote back that I didn’t think it was possible for us to be true friends anymore, because the trust was not there anymore. I felt so proud of myself that i had the strength to say that… Anyway, last week my ex wrote to me that he is getting married soon. And it affected me so much – I cried and felt miserable for several days, never knowing why I felt that way. Reading your article gave me the tips on how to finally leave the “chains of the past” behind.
    Eddie, your support is so important. Thanks again.

  • sassy7

    Laura Im only coming up to the year mark and my thoughts especially on the walk home from work at the end of the day, always drift back to him. In that quiet time I realised something last night, like Eddie said, Ive idealised him. What Im replaying in my head were moments of happiness and loving memories but there werent enough of them and THATS WHY WERE OVER! Habitual thinking can be changed. When you start fantasising the good times, remeber all the shitty things about him, the mean things he did and said, the selfishness he showed again and again and pretty soon you will feel so relieved your rid of him. We loved them for who we wanted them to be, NOT what they actually were. Otherwise you would still be with him. Good Luck!

  • DJ29

    Absolutely amazing. Could not have been told better. Your site is what keeps me moving on and living a life I thought had no happiness in trail. 
    Your words of wisdom gives me hope and peace of mind.

  • Jazz63

    I am having trouble letting go even tho it has been almost a year to the day since he told me he can not have a relationship with me.  I do not face the prospect of having the opportunity of standing in front of him as Eddies article suggests in order to realise I have managed to let go.  It is very hard, I was truly truly heartbroken by our break up so much so I went on anti depressants and am waiting for counselling. 

  • http://friendfinder-123love.blogspot.com/ friendfinder-123love

    I have the same experience I would like to share.

  • canali

    affirmations (self talk) is so powerful…and think about it: much of the self talk we engage in breakups becomes so powerful and repetitive and ingrained that we don’t even challenge it and/or it becomes 2nd nature/unconscious, hence even more powerful, i.e., ‘i’m a loser’…’i'll never get over him/her’….’my life’s nothing now…so empty’…etc    at least with making positive self affirmations we’re challenging all this negative self talk (affirmations) and trying to get a sense of mature reality/equilibrium back.
    great article.

    • canali

      i don’t agree with the desensitization method however via looking at their pics….why open a bandage only to see the wound again, however ‘small’ and ‘healed’, only to perhaps re-flare up…i don’t think you can do this for MANY yrs down the road and/or until you’re not even any longer thinking about them.

      • http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

        Canali, good to hear from you again :) , I hope you are doing well.

        The desensitization method is controversial but recommended and applied by many therapists as it is a crucial part of cognitive behavioral treatments.

        I have witnessed many “dumpees” applying this method very successfully. However, it doesn’t work with everyone. If you feel a strong resistance in your gut then please don’t do it!

        I tried this also by recommendation of a therapist, but it was way too early for me back then and it had not the desired effect. In fact it threw me way back in my healing.

        Just make sure you fit the preconditions I’ve listed in the article.

        Eddie

  • 93 Broker

    I have been reading the posts and articales on this site over the last 12 months , after being completely ruined by my ex fiancee on my 26th birthday a year ago…now looking back and connecting the dots , it may have just been the best blessing I ever recieved.

    I was the ”Dumpee” and made all the possible mistakes a man can make in post break up warfare…I had to let go and forget what happened,I started going to the gym, touching base with old friends yet still found myself sad.I found out she has been sleeping with a random amount of guys (I had to brace myself for the impact) sent me back 2 months into sadness, I ran into her twice over the course of the year.I just walked by and pretended she didn t exist… however she was running through my mind. To my surprise one day while working at my job my director and informed me that my ex fiancee applied at my branch and that she was hired.

    why?who?when? ….. what the hell? was all that went through my mind. After freaking out and insulting all my bosses (they were aware of my break up as I had taken 3 weeks off at the rupture point) I quit and left.

    Thank god I had felt that pain again.. it transformed into motavation.A year later she still passes through my mind, but given the echos I ve been hearing given the no contact rule…I think she has become the village bicycle. I decided that in my mind I forgive her and am just moveing on. It helps me sleep at night. Ironicly after good marketing skills ,pain and motavation…I landed a job with a much more interresting salary than what any of my previous bosses were paid, and i never have to see my ex again. I didn t know it than but the roller coaster ride i had went through led me to ultimately better myself and move on. As far as dateing is concerned ,things have been interresting and it goes to show good things come to good people, and the best is yet to come.

    I just wanted to report my experiances a year after a devestating break up and the importance of letting go..best thing to do is sincerely forgive those who have hurt you and better yourself in any way possible…things will all start to come together and you guys will al be fine. Thank you – 93broker

  • Elmer

    Eddie, thanks a lot for your work and for this website. 
    I got dumped by my ex-girlfriend about a month ago. We dated for 2 years and I thought she was the love of my life. It was so devastating to me. Found out she started to get interested in a colleague from her work during the time we were together, and I’m 99% sure she cheated on me with him. I wasn’t expecting it and it knocked me out so badly. We broke up, but after a week she said that she wanted to try again. I tried, but after 3 days it didn’t work out, she was still keeping contact with the other guy. We broke up the second time, and this time it was worse, I got so so down, she ran back to the other guy and I got left like a rag. It’s still hurting, I have a lot of nightmares about them two, I wake up crying, have no energy, can’t work properly.

    I know were not gonna get back together and I’m convinced that I don’t want her ever again. But I still feel very very sad and devastated. 

    I’ve been reading your work and it’s the best in that subject that I’ve found in the web. Thanks for your support.

  • Scrapper14

    Eddie, 

    Excellent article and just what I needed to read. I broke it off with a guy 8 months ago and even though I was the “dumper” I feel as though I was the dumpee. The pain of losing something that I wanted so bad but just wasn’t right; ie: a lasting relationship has been tough and I haven’t been able to let go of it. While he moved on 3 months after we broke up, I haven’t been able to move on. Partially because I don’t think it’s fair to date someone when my heart hasn’t completely let go of my ex. 
    The hardest part of this entire break up has been the ruminating thoughts about my ex EVERY DAY… I beat myself up every day because I’m not “over it yet” and he found someone right away. I have had very minimal contact with him which has helped the healing process somewhat but still desire to reach out and hear from him. I know now that I have a ways to go in my recovery as I still think, at times, we could be back together and “make it work” (even though we tried several times to make it work over the course of 11 months) and I am still going through the emotional rollercoaster bargaining with myself left and right and doubting my decision.
    When I am able to “Let go” I will believe that my ex no longer holds the key to my happiness, as the article said. I want to experience love (I didn’t with the ex, but did care deeply) and I will… it just may take longer than I’d like.

  • http://www.brisbaneescorts4you.com/ Escort in Brisbane

    I always believe that your world should not revolve completely around a person because it hurts so much when they let you go. :’(

  • Lost

    Am shocked n surprise why this sudden thought of him why I wish we were together am so surprised. He was out of my thought for months now. N today I had an awesome day with my frds but somehow now while on my bed his thought kept coming on in my mind why is zat. Loved his company but it’s over n I’ve already accepted z fact but why today I was wishing he was with me. Am so angry at myself . Why z hell I dnt feel attracted to this new guy who is so caring n nice to me why I dnt feel it for him :( ( what’s wrong with me :( ((((

  • Avantgarde7882

    I was in a long term relationship for 6 years until she dumped me for another guy. It was devasting because it had happened before but i forgave her and she did it again in less than one year. It has been 8 months now. I kept chasing her right from the beginning of the break up until last month. Now. i finally gave up, realizing that she’s not worth it all. And i I have realised the bitter truth that if someone wants to leave, just let her go. A person who truly loves you will stick loyal to you through the thick and thin and he/she will never betray your trust.  Don’t ever rely your happiness on someone else. I have learnt my lessons well through the hard way. The guy she is dating now is a total jerk but that is her choice and i don’t give a damn anymore. I have changed my phone number and block her email address.  Hope tommorow is a better day.

  • http://www.broken-heart-friend.com Kim

    It took me a long time to get over my Ex. I was more obsesses with who he was dating and feeling sorry for myself, because he seemed happy while I was miserable.

    When I realized where my thoughts constantly centered, that’s when I opened my eyes. I wasn’t in love with my Ex….I was dealing with other emotions.

    Once I made this realization, I was able to let go.

    Great article.

  • http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

    By making a commitment not to be the victim anymore, by being so fed up with the whole situation that you must change something, by telling him that you don’t want contact anymore (only in matters related to your son).

    Also you must make him clear that the wellbeing of your son is in both interests and using a kid for base motives is just wrong.

  • Angelina

    This site is excellent!  I was in a very strange relationship for a while…one without much sexual chemistry (I didn’t feel much for HIM but really LIKED him). He was infatuated with me and I “went along for the ride.” He was needy. There was a lot of texting and I loved the attention! In person there was less of a connection than when he was not around. I’ve heard relationships can be classified as “healthy,” “compulsive” or “apathetic.” This one was apathetic. I always thought if it ended I wouldn’t care much.
    One day he told me he’d fallen in love with someone else. He still wanted to cling to me, though (he was very young and pretty undeveloped). I deleted his number, deleted and blocked him on FB, etc…he cried, was beside himself, he was stunned that I could do such a thing. “You don’t care about me? You’re just gonna ignore me?” he said. I cut him off but took it much, much harder than I expected to. It’s been two months of shock, weight loss, loss of interest in things, constant ruminating and idealization of him in a way I never did while I was “apathetic.” I miss him. Slowly I have begun to heal. Healing would never have happened if I hadn’t cut him off; he wanted to cling to me in a very odd, unhealthy way even while going out with someone else. That was flattering, I suppose, but it wouldn’t have worked. I suppose I was the one who “rejected” him in bed (he always complained I didn’t care!), so I can’t blame him, in a way. I can’t blame him at all. I chose him because I wanted to be needed and because I get obsessed and intimidated by my usual type. I have learned: 1) how intoxicating it can be to be needed and, yes, loved by someone  2) apathetic relationships still hurt when they end 3) a relationship with someone very immature and childish (and fickle) with whom I have nothing in common is unlikely to work, even if there is good rapport on some level.