When we are no longer able to change a situation – we are challenged to change ourselves. – Viktor E. Frankl
Many years ago, I was on the road to meet a friend who lived in a town quite far away. This happened approximately a year and a half after my life-changing break-up.
I was OK back then. I was essentially over my Ex. I had accepted the fact that it was over and I knew we wouldn’t get back together again. I was already in another relationship, and yes she came to my mind now and then, but I was able to handle it.
Again, I was OK.
Or so I thought.
What happened on that long lonesome trip threw me off my path so completely that I would never have believed it was possible.
But on the other hand, it was a blessing because it was the last step I had to take to completely get over her and finally let go of her.
What happened?
It all started with a song.
Now I know what you think – not an “our song” kind of song. It was something completely different.
The radio played an unfamiliar song that touched me on such a deep level that I never thought was possible. The lyrics and the melody knocked me out completely.
This song brutally brought to my mind what I once had, and what I was missing so dearly for such a long time, even though I was already in another relationship.
It was there all the time, close to the surface, waiting to push through.
I pulled my car over and started to weep like a small child for over 30 minutes.
After I composed myself again, I couldn’t believe what had happened. Wasn’t I over her? How come I lost it so easy?
Please read on.
The Last Resistance
While you move through all the phases of break-up recovery, with every step you bring yourself closer to the ultimate goal or “the big indifference” as I call it.
“The big indifference” is something you need in order to say you are truly “over your Ex”.
Because one fact that remains is that you’re NOT over your Ex and you haven’t let go until you can stand in front of them, talk to them and feel NOTHING. Just a distant memory of a once held emotion. (I know that this seems impossible for you today, but ultimately this will happen).
But before you reach that goal, there is one big bump on the road – the one I was facing at that time, triggered by a simple love song.
What happened that day was that in spite of being over her, I just hadn’t “let go of her” yet.
Where is the difference?
I went through all the phases. I followed the No-Contact Rule. I suffered through the “emotional roller-coaster”. I consciously accepted the fact that we were not together and would never be again. I re-discovered myself and learned to live alone. I found a life-goal, loved myself and found a wonderful girl who I started a relationship with.
And after all that, I still broke down hearing a silly, cheesy song?
A Powerful Belief
My problem was that in my head there was this mathematical equation I had set up so long ago. It was simple but effective and still held power over me.
It looked like this:
[happiness] = [Ex's Name]
and
no [Ex's Name] = no [happiness]
A simple belief that was so powerful that it made me break down after 1 1/2 years of breakup recovery. It was there from the beginning without me even realizing it. Lurking, waiting to come out in the open.
Never underestimate the power of a single belief.
Now that I knew what went wrong, what held me back all this time, I could approach that problem directly.
I did that in two ways.
How To Finally Let Go Of Your Ex
I knew how powerful affirmations are. I used them heavily in the acceptance-phase, so I was certain that they would help me also with this problem.
Affirmations are the best way to change false beliefs, (break-up recovery essentially boils down to one thing – changing a set of powerful beliefs).
So I came up with this one:
“I let go of [Ex's Name] with love and clear myself of chains to the past to make way for new love to enter my life”
Applied as usual: 3 times a day, 25 times in front of a mirror and one time in writing.
Let me tell you – it worked WONDERS.
After only 14 days, I felt a huge relief, as if a heavy weight I didn’t even knew existed was being lifted from my shoulders. The invisible blockade that was lingering in my newly formed relationship was removed so it started to thrive, and an overall well-being flooded my soul.
That was it. Mission accomplished?
Not yet. One last thing to do.
Remember? The “big indifference”.
Well that turned out very unexpectedly.
3 weeks after that road-trip-incident, I received a strange letter. It was an invitation to a wedding.
You guessed right.
The Final Pedestal-Test
My Ex was about to get married, and she invited ME to it.
I don’t have to tell you how I felt at that moment. I mean, even after 1 1/2 years it still was a huge shock. I knew that she had a new boyfriend, but she was getting married?
As much as I was shocked about this I knew that this was THE opportunity to test whether I had reached the “top” of my break-up recovery journey.
So I decided to go.
But I can tell you, to say I was anxious about it is an understatement. I was terrified. But I realized how important this could be for me.
The day of the wedding celebration approached and in my mind I was there a thousand times already. I knew what I planned to do. I would react as if nothing ever happened, putting on a big smile, but I still had that lingering fear of suffering a meltdown like what had occurred on that road.
Luckily it turned out differently.
Fast forward to the wedding celebration, entering the ballroom, seeing her for the first time after 12 months and I felt NOTHING.
Absolutely NOTHING. Like I was looking at a complete stranger.
She seemed to be more afraid of it than I was, because she completely avoided eye-contact at all costs.
At that time, I was in great shape, in fact the best shape of my life. I was confident, cocky, well dressed. In short – I was a catch.
At first I thought, “[her name] look what you are missing out on and look what a jerk you have standing next to you”, and I really smiled thinking this.
But then it shifted.
Suddenly I started to care less and less about what she was thinking of me. I was just in the now, enjoying the moment.
It was as if I suddenly got a good portion of power back that I was missing for so long. Slowly I started to feel free again. Really free.
So I went up to them and everybody was staring at me wondering what I would do, (most of the guests knew my former relationship to the bride).
I stood in front of them in that super cool black suit I wore and I heartily congratulated them both on their wedding. I wished them all the best for their forthcoming life together, and went back to my table. Full of confidence, pride and power.
I never felt better in my life than I did that day.
I had people coming up to me congratulating me for what I did and for the way I did it.
It was a complete victory.
It was the day I finally let go of my Ex and started a new life.
How To Take The Last Step of Getting Over Your Ex
Now, I don’t recommend doing what I did back then as a test whether you are over your Ex or not. The implications could be disastrous. At the beginning of your break-up recovery journey, it is advisable to respectfully decline invitations like the one I got.
Whether it’s time or not to face your Ex solely depends on your progress in your recovery. Do it at the beginning, and you will crash and burn. Instead, do it when you:
- have accepted the fact that you’re no longer together
- do not want them back
- have gone through the emotional roller-coaster
- basically feel alright
and you will profit from it.
For me, it was 1 1/2 years after the break-up, which was actually rather late. It took me a while to figure out how you can speed up the recovery process substantially.
For me, it was exactly the right time for what I needed to do. If I hadn’t, my recovery most certainly would have gone on much longer.
So what is letting go?
It is a conscious process of discarding the belief that only your Ex holds the key to your happiness. It is the final step you need to take before you can say that you are over your Ex, and you are ready to start a new relationship.
But what if your Ex is not available for confrontation?
Then we must take hold of different measures.
The Desensitization Method
There is a technique where you consciously expose yourself to your memories with your Ex in order to “desensitize”. You do this for one hour by going through your pictures, videos and stored memories.
The most important thing here is to really dig deep, and to completely allow yourself to get into it. Get emotional, cry if you have to. Continue despite the pain you feel, and do this until you feel numb.
It’s basically the same as confronting your Ex, only “virtually”.
After you’ve done this you will feel exhausted and completely numb and indifferent. Good. This means it worked.
But again, only do this if you fit the preconditions I’ve listed above! Otherwise it will throw you miles back. Trust me.
Conclusion
If your break-up was longer than one year ago and you have gone through the main phases of break-up recovery – and you generally feel OK, but still feel there is something holding you back, then I recommend taking this “last step”.
I get many emails from readers asking the same thing. They cannot believe that after that much time, they still suffer:
I do wonder though, why after a full year, I’m still thinking about him as much as I do. I worry that I cannot move on fully.
The reason for this is, in most cases, an unrealistic over-idealization of the Ex.
Consciously letting go means saying goodbye to that limiting belief that only your Ex means happiness and no one else.
I did that back then and it almost instantly improved my life, my relationship, and my view to life.
I am sure you can too.
Your friend,
Eddie
This amazing report and newsletter will teach you how to break your Ex-Addiction and finally live the life you deserve.
Great to see another new article from you Eddie. Thanks again.
My breakup has been 13 months now. I am still not over it. I am not in a new relationship. I have tried dating, but those dates have not turned into anything. I hide it, but I am very sad and angry most of the time. Memories haunt me, even thought I try to push them away. I have used NC pretty well, and no cheating. This is the first time I have heard desensitizing to be used as a tool. I know I am not ready to see her pictures. More time is needed for me.
Dear Determined,
I’m very much in your stage. 11 months since break up. No contact. No cheating. Not ready to see her pictures. More time needed.
Care to share details? Just in case, if that helps.
Thanks,
Another determined guy
i have also the same experience try a bit more harder,i know how painful it is but for our own selfbeing we need to get over these people ,while we are nursing our wounds these people move on without a thought about us crossing their minds.
In time it will be easier and I agree desensitizing also works wonders..It won’t be easy but it will eventually fade..NC also helps..
i cant let go of my ex husband..some people told me to let go and one of my relative says.hold on..i dnt want to let go but i dnt want to just hang on to something im not sure will happen..i really need some advice..what should i do?i still love him but i dont know hime anymore..he had a close girlfriends.and friends that i do not know.,,
some say,trust him..but after seing him with a girl,accidentally seeing msgs in his phone..vacations that i dont think where he spend it…things he bought for whom… he left me confuse..pls help
Thanks dear Eddie for sharing your story with us.:)
Wow, this is one of the best posts you’ve made in a while. Great stuff Eddie. The ability for things to linger on subconsciously never ceases to amaze me. I’ve had a similar experience myself. I went through the whole recovery process, got over it, moved on with my life and was totally happy on my own and yet I was still secretely idealizing how special what I once had was. Once I finally let go and adopted a more realistic memory of what my relationship really consisted of, I was able to allow new love into my life again.Since I work in the break up area as well, I can definitely relate to going to great lengths just to make sure that I’m fully over my ex. I’ve never seen any of my ex’s get married but I can sure imagine what a powerful feeling that was for you.
Thanks Eddie, this article is great, now I’m going 2 read it again…so much information. I really like your site!
Its been 1 and half years since i broke up…And when i read the artical i felt u wrote this for me.:-)…i am in a new relationship, but yeah may be i still think about her.Since i erased all the memories of her like pictures and videos.I cant do this last step…..
Whenever i start to think about her.Automatically, i also try to think of the the disastrous month i spent after break up.And how i lived through it.I am sure, i will overcome her…..Thanks a lot eddie….this post was really helpfull…
regards,
Berny
When I first started coming to this site it was such a help for me on my path to getting over my break up. I am so thankful for this site and all the support I got from coming here. I am proud to say that I am so far from where I was. I have finally reached the I am over this stage.For the first time since my break up 7 months ago, I looked at photos of me and my ex and I felt nothing. Now I can look at them and recall a happy time I shared with this man. Things changed and now we have both moved on with our lives. My self esteem was so poor and my self worth was too. I have been working hard to get that back and I can look at myself in the mirror now and when I say to myself ” I love you ” I mean it. I now look at my break up as a blessing that helped set me free. I speak up for myself now and dont look for validation from others. I have worked hard on me and think now I come from a far different place than where I used to be. As hard as break ups can be, Please do the hard work because the way you feel after is a great reward.
Mr. Corbano, Your letters have helped me deal with my break up, and all the painful things that go with it, better than any other site I have found. I want to thank you for what you are doing from the very bottom of my heart.Thank you!!
Vicky
From day 1 of my break up until now (it’s already been more than 1 yr ) I have been reading all of the articles here in your website and they are very effective for me. I was able to understand myself and love myself even more.This one is another remarkable article for me. After a year of my break up I can say I’m already over him… however sometimes when I have a glimpse of him with his baby and wife, I still feel a stroke of pain in my heart. Maybe inside I haven’t let go yet…
I’m afraid that I’m a slow learner at this but somehow this article helps me to continue on moving on and letting him go completely..I hope I will be able to reach this level that I won’t be feeling any pain anymore even if i see him in person.
Thanks a lot Eddie! You’re articles really help us “brokenhearted people” to feel a lot better about ourselves; that someone like you could really understand and define what we are really feeling and could give us a practical and effective advice on how to fully recover over a painful break up.
You’re the best! ><,
Hi Eddie , your letter is great one proble
I read all this and I know what to doubt when I am in her presence or heard about hear I forget everything. I try to talk myself out and be self aware but as long we interact each other I forget and left my guard down. She told me a month ago ” I love you and want to come back” I was happy but caution . We meet on the weekend and we watch tv no kiss just a ” take it slow” since she change her mind. She is a dating website , me as well ” I even said good luck” she replied ” you are not what I am looking for now with lol”.. So I start dating and having fun. Today we had a wake and we saw each other. We didn’t talk but I felt anxious , talk myself out , explaining why she is not good for me and I should keep posture . We when to eat later with my ex wife( they are friends) she show me a ring she wanted, she kick me because I did early , she mention a restaurant when all met. But I wasn’t really uncomfortable I’ve been worse. Did the no contact rule but she always finds a way to txt me and me answering. She knows a love her but I know is impossible and we are not coming back . Today I felt uneasy , not sad but when we said good bye we kiss on the cheek on both side and she reach for my head and twist my finger so I twist her too plus I try to head lock her head but I stop because my ex was there and she said we are not in 6th grade anymore. Touching her hand felt good of course but I don’t need her to be happy . I want to be happy myself and I am still looking to love me myself more and found a passion or hobby . After today I should follow no contact rule , again, sorry Eddie and stick to it. Have to be strong . I am an immigrat and z citizen and zero family. That made it harder. If you have family and friends I will recommend hang with then . If not therapy helps. I need to let her ago. I fall twice and I can’t do it. She is a problem and needs to be solve: how? No contact, find a hobby or a passion, work harder, date online or just in bars, work out. It’s difficult I know. I still don’t have the balls to tell her : fuck off and leave alone nut that just not me. So no contact .. I will try .. Drinking is ok but is not the way to go . You can get depressed .thanks Eddie. Inside off me: fuck her. !!! Love urself and if you are not happy you can not make someone else happy.that is key. Hard to do but not impossible. Damn it. ( she is 26 . One kid. me 0, live 25 minutes away,mother day , father workalcoholic and some self stem issues.. But I sense good and a great butt haha .)
Eddie, this article is amazing.. i havent written on the blog for a while because i let go of the first phase of the process a while ago.. the desperation and disbelief and i let others that had just started it have their say.. i do still follow.. its been nearly 8 months and i feel ok mostly because im starting my degree and following my goals and this year has been remarkable career wise but emotional nightmare.. but i did it! i found myself in tears last night and i logged in and here was your article.. i know i havent let go of him and it makes lots of sense.. iv a little way to go but i just wanted to thankyou.. and yes he is not my happiness!! x
Eddie, thank you so much.
My break-up took place 3 (!!!) years ago, and I thought I was totally over it. In fact, one year ago my ex wrote me a letter saying he loved me and was missing our friendship etc etc. – and I wrote back that I didn’t think it was possible for us to be true friends anymore, because the trust was not there anymore. I felt so proud of myself that i had the strength to say that… Anyway, last week my ex wrote to me that he is getting married soon. And it affected me so much – I cried and felt miserable for several days, never knowing why I felt that way. Reading your article gave me the tips on how to finally leave the “chains of the past” behind.
Eddie, your support is so important. Thanks again.
Laura Im only coming up to the year mark and my thoughts especially on the walk home from work at the end of the day, always drift back to him. In that quiet time I realised something last night, like Eddie said, Ive idealised him. What Im replaying in my head were moments of happiness and loving memories but there werent enough of them and THATS WHY WERE OVER! Habitual thinking can be changed. When you start fantasising the good times, remeber all the shitty things about him, the mean things he did and said, the selfishness he showed again and again and pretty soon you will feel so relieved your rid of him. We loved them for who we wanted them to be, NOT what they actually were. Otherwise you would still be with him. Good Luck!
Absolutely amazing. Could not have been told better. Your site is what keeps me moving on and living a life I thought had no happiness in trail.
Your words of wisdom gives me hope and peace of mind.
I am having trouble letting go even tho it has been almost a year to the day since he told me he can not have a relationship with me. I do not face the prospect of having the opportunity of standing in front of him as Eddies article suggests in order to realise I have managed to let go. It is very hard, I was truly truly heartbroken by our break up so much so I went on anti depressants and am waiting for counselling.
I have the same experience I would like to share.
affirmations (self talk) is so powerful…and think about it: much of the self talk we engage in breakups becomes so powerful and repetitive and ingrained that we don’t even challenge it and/or it becomes 2nd nature/unconscious, hence even more powerful, i.e., ‘i’m a loser’…’i'll never get over him/her’….’my life’s nothing now…so empty’…etc at least with making positive self affirmations we’re challenging all this negative self talk (affirmations) and trying to get a sense of mature reality/equilibrium back.
great article.
i don’t agree with the desensitization method however via looking at their pics….why open a bandage only to see the wound again, however ‘small’ and ‘healed’, only to perhaps re-flare up…i don’t think you can do this for MANY yrs down the road and/or until you’re not even any longer thinking about them.
Canali, good to hear from you again
, I hope you are doing well.
The desensitization method is controversial but recommended and applied by many therapists as it is a crucial part of cognitive behavioral treatments.
I have witnessed many “dumpees” applying this method very successfully. However, it doesn’t work with everyone. If you feel a strong resistance in your gut then please don’t do it!
I tried this also by recommendation of a therapist, but it was way too early for me back then and it had not the desired effect. In fact it threw me way back in my healing.
Just make sure you fit the preconditions I’ve listed in the article.
Eddie
I have been reading the posts and articales on this site over the last 12 months , after being completely ruined by my ex fiancee on my 26th birthday a year ago…now looking back and connecting the dots , it may have just been the best blessing I ever recieved.
I was the ”Dumpee” and made all the possible mistakes a man can make in post break up warfare…I had to let go and forget what happened,I started going to the gym, touching base with old friends yet still found myself sad.I found out she has been sleeping with a random amount of guys (I had to brace myself for the impact) sent me back 2 months into sadness, I ran into her twice over the course of the year.I just walked by and pretended she didn t exist… however she was running through my mind. To my surprise one day while working at my job my director and informed me that my ex fiancee applied at my branch and that she was hired.
why?who?when? ….. what the hell? was all that went through my mind. After freaking out and insulting all my bosses (they were aware of my break up as I had taken 3 weeks off at the rupture point) I quit and left.
Thank god I had felt that pain again.. it transformed into motavation.A year later she still passes through my mind, but given the echos I ve been hearing given the no contact rule…I think she has become the village bicycle. I decided that in my mind I forgive her and am just moveing on. It helps me sleep at night. Ironicly after good marketing skills ,pain and motavation…I landed a job with a much more interresting salary than what any of my previous bosses were paid, and i never have to see my ex again. I didn t know it than but the roller coaster ride i had went through led me to ultimately better myself and move on. As far as dateing is concerned ,things have been interresting and it goes to show good things come to good people, and the best is yet to come.
I just wanted to report my experiances a year after a devestating break up and the importance of letting go..best thing to do is sincerely forgive those who have hurt you and better yourself in any way possible…things will all start to come together and you guys will al be fine. Thank you – 93broker
Eddie, thanks a lot for your work and for this website.
I got dumped by my ex-girlfriend about a month ago. We dated for 2 years and I thought she was the love of my life. It was so devastating to me. Found out she started to get interested in a colleague from her work during the time we were together, and I’m 99% sure she cheated on me with him. I wasn’t expecting it and it knocked me out so badly. We broke up, but after a week she said that she wanted to try again. I tried, but after 3 days it didn’t work out, she was still keeping contact with the other guy. We broke up the second time, and this time it was worse, I got so so down, she ran back to the other guy and I got left like a rag. It’s still hurting, I have a lot of nightmares about them two, I wake up crying, have no energy, can’t work properly.
I know were not gonna get back together and I’m convinced that I don’t want her ever again. But I still feel very very sad and devastated.
I’ve been reading your work and it’s the best in that subject that I’ve found in the web. Thanks for your support.
Eddie,
Excellent article and just what I needed to read. I broke it off with a guy 8 months ago and even though I was the “dumper” I feel as though I was the dumpee. The pain of losing something that I wanted so bad but just wasn’t right; ie: a lasting relationship has been tough and I haven’t been able to let go of it. While he moved on 3 months after we broke up, I haven’t been able to move on. Partially because I don’t think it’s fair to date someone when my heart hasn’t completely let go of my ex.
The hardest part of this entire break up has been the ruminating thoughts about my ex EVERY DAY… I beat myself up every day because I’m not “over it yet” and he found someone right away. I have had very minimal contact with him which has helped the healing process somewhat but still desire to reach out and hear from him. I know now that I have a ways to go in my recovery as I still think, at times, we could be back together and “make it work” (even though we tried several times to make it work over the course of 11 months) and I am still going through the emotional rollercoaster bargaining with myself left and right and doubting my decision.
When I am able to “Let go” I will believe that my ex no longer holds the key to my happiness, as the article said. I want to experience love (I didn’t with the ex, but did care deeply) and I will… it just may take longer than I’d like.
I always believe that your world should not revolve completely around a person because it hurts so much when they let you go. :’(
Am shocked n surprise why this sudden thought of him why I wish we were together am so surprised. He was out of my thought for months now. N today I had an awesome day with my frds but somehow now while on my bed his thought kept coming on in my mind why is zat. Loved his company but it’s over n I’ve already accepted z fact but why today I was wishing he was with me. Am so angry at myself . Why z hell I dnt feel attracted to this new guy who is so caring n nice to me why I dnt feel it for him
( what’s wrong with me 
((((
I was in a long term relationship for 6 years until she dumped me for another guy. It was devasting because it had happened before but i forgave her and she did it again in less than one year. It has been 8 months now. I kept chasing her right from the beginning of the break up until last month. Now. i finally gave up, realizing that she’s not worth it all. And i I have realised the bitter truth that if someone wants to leave, just let her go. A person who truly loves you will stick loyal to you through the thick and thin and he/she will never betray your trust. Don’t ever rely your happiness on someone else. I have learnt my lessons well through the hard way. The guy she is dating now is a total jerk but that is her choice and i don’t give a damn anymore. I have changed my phone number and block her email address. Hope tommorow is a better day.
umnpp… the same for me my relationship for five years just ended , he dumped me for another woman… haaaay…
It took me a long time to get over my Ex. I was more obsesses with who he was dating and feeling sorry for myself, because he seemed happy while I was miserable.
When I realized where my thoughts constantly centered, that’s when I opened my eyes. I wasn’t in love with my Ex….I was dealing with other emotions.
Once I made this realization, I was able to let go.
Great article.
Wow! Even 18 months after I broke up with my ex, I’m still thinking about the relationship and specifically that he has been dating someone for over a year. I feel obsessed about who he is dating and thinking that he is happy while I am still single and haven’t dated since him. You are so right.. this isn’t about him or her.. it’s about me dealing with other emotions.. I hope I’m able to truly let go soon.. it’s been too long to hang on to this ruminating and obsessiveness…
By making a commitment not to be the victim anymore, by being so fed up with the whole situation that you must change something, by telling him that you don’t want contact anymore (only in matters related to your son).
Also you must make him clear that the wellbeing of your son is in both interests and using a kid for base motives is just wrong.
This site is excellent! I was in a very strange relationship for a while…one without much sexual chemistry (I didn’t feel much for HIM but really LIKED him). He was infatuated with me and I “went along for the ride.” He was needy. There was a lot of texting and I loved the attention! In person there was less of a connection than when he was not around. I’ve heard relationships can be classified as “healthy,” “compulsive” or “apathetic.” This one was apathetic. I always thought if it ended I wouldn’t care much.
One day he told me he’d fallen in love with someone else. He still wanted to cling to me, though (he was very young and pretty undeveloped). I deleted his number, deleted and blocked him on FB, etc…he cried, was beside himself, he was stunned that I could do such a thing. “You don’t care about me? You’re just gonna ignore me?” he said. I cut him off but took it much, much harder than I expected to. It’s been two months of shock, weight loss, loss of interest in things, constant ruminating and idealization of him in a way I never did while I was “apathetic.” I miss him. Slowly I have begun to heal. Healing would never have happened if I hadn’t cut him off; he wanted to cling to me in a very odd, unhealthy way even while going out with someone else. That was flattering, I suppose, but it wouldn’t have worked. I suppose I was the one who “rejected” him in bed (he always complained I didn’t care!), so I can’t blame him, in a way. I can’t blame him at all. I chose him because I wanted to be needed and because I get obsessed and intimidated by my usual type. I have learned: 1) how intoxicating it can be to be needed and, yes, loved by someone 2) apathetic relationships still hurt when they end 3) a relationship with someone very immature and childish (and fickle) with whom I have nothing in common is unlikely to work, even if there is good rapport on some level.
such a nice revelations….. umnpp.. thanx for this
We have the same situation. Until now I can’t recover from the breakup.
As I was reading through this, I was literally nodding and agreeing with every single word Eddie has written. Eddie, you’ve been with me through my first painful breakup and honestly your advice is GOLD. I am completely over my ex of a year and a half, and I’m so proud of myself for being able to look him in the eye and not feel a single thing. I do feel like I’ve gotten back the power that I lost, and I feel absolutely free. One thing though, is that I can’t help but feel a little jealous when I see him with other girls. I know for a fact that I don’t want him back and that I really have no feelings for him anymore, but the sight of him with another girl bugs me a little.
there is nothing as devastating and heartbreaking when you breakup with the person you first loved but the best part of it all is when you finally get over them when you find someone that loves you and treats you right. I went through that but I do not regret it since i found true love.
Hey Chris
I am in a similar situation as yours. My ex was just using me to get over his ex. Well, and i gave my 100 % to him thinking that it will help him forget his past. Who knew i would land up in the same situation. My family is also faraway and since i am new to the city, i have few friends. I feel so lonely sometimes.I stumbled upon this website just yesterday. Its been almost a month because of my breakup. I hope that i am able to get over him like you did with your ex.
I think this is what i needed to read! Thanks Eddie,lovely article
okay…
i fell in love first at 12, we broke up in 6 months…
i did all of what you did above… !
but now im 18, havent had a serious relationship with anybody in the past 6 years, we completely avoided each other till last month… (after 6 long year that is ! )
he turned out to be pretty spoiled now…
he started drinking and smoking, which i ‘hate ‘
but he never got in a relationship with a girl after our break up .
we both refer to it as ‘ im fed up ‘
guess what ? i think im in love with him again !!!
how is that even possible ?
i started giving myself reasons why i should let go of him…
1) he drinks/ smokes
2) he is not in love with me
3) i can get a guy whoz more handsome
but my heart does not listen… !
-____________________-
advice pleaaaaaaaaaaaaase !!!!
I hope you dont mind my advice. I didnt see a reply and wanted to help.
The fact that you’ve listed what you dont like, example-the smoking and drinking; should tell you that you would only be settling for less than what you want.
You and your needs are important. If you dont value your own needs, why would anyone else?
When making decisions remember your emotions make you hurry but wisdom makes you think.
.Best Hopes.
It’s been a year exactly since we split up two days after my birthday, I can honestly say I’m still not over him. I thought I had moved on I bought a flat, started a new job had some really good experiences. I had the no contact; I even had a relationship that didnt work out not because I compared him to my ex but because i identified him crushing my personality making me feel insecure- telling me i really wouldnt find anyone better than him!
I felt free nothing reminded me of him and when i bumped into his best friend I didnt even flinch when he mentioned him, and his new job i simply felt like he was just someone I used to know- i genuinely felt happy for him without my mind wondering what if.
But new years came and my drink was spiked I hadn’t a clue what was happening, i messaged him why i dont know despite the no contact for a year- I sent him a message saying i need him- with the address and he actually came to pick me up.
Now im back at square one- confused!
Suffering from the birthday blues and break up dilemma. As much as I thought I moved on and had come to terms with it, this has totally thrown me he was never there for me, when I truely needed him in the relationship, why now?
I am very sorry to hear that, I feel your pain.
But I think that you are asking the wrong question.
The question is not why he was never there for you back then (is picking you up now when you text him that you need help really a sign for being there for somebody?), the question should be WHY did you text him?
WHAT did you need in that very moment? What was missing?
And… could HE give you that?
Some food for thought…
Eddie
Thank you so much for this! It helps a lot
Eddie, It’s been two months since my girl broke up with me for the reason that she didn’t love me as much as she thought she did. This helped me understand my current state even more. Thank you.
Hi Eddie,
This is a great article.
After having an on/off relationship for a few months , my BF and I committed and things were going great .
A few weeks ago he suffered the loss of an extremely close family member and it brought up feelings of another loss he wasn’t over – his ex girlfriend.
They had started seeing each other again ( for about 3 weeks) while we were taking a break.
That didn’t last long obviously as their relationship was full of enmity and anger (as apparently it always was. )
He wanted to continue our relationship while he went through withdrawal from her ( and I’ve got to say he’s doing a huge amt of work to get there), but I told him I couldn’t be there while he mended his heartbreak over another woman.
I admit to feelings of intense jealousy and irrational thought ( what is so great about her that he’s not over her , why isn’t he as addicted to me as he is to her, I’ve been #2 ) I have such conflicting feelings I’m at a loss as to what to do . I want to be with him very , very much and don’t know whether my feelings of jealousy , fear , and my ego are clouding my judgement.
I’ve asked him why he’s so addicted to her and he doesn’t know and doesn’t want to talk about the relationship . I know he’s right , but on some level it bothers me.
We have seen each each other a few times since his revelation and it has left us both sad . He says that this is a bump in the road and we can get through it.
I don’t know whether to consider this a breakup and move on or what.
Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated
Being in a relationship with someone who carries “emotional baggage” is very difficult. It really depends on how “heavy” this baggage is and on the willingness to work it through.
The problem is that it is pretty much out of your hands, he has to be ready and willing to let her go… he has to make this conscious decision (and there are no half solutions here).
My advice is to take some “free time” from the relationship with no contact and after that have a talk together and decide whether you still want to be together.
It’s been 21 days since our breakup. I broke it off with her but it seems she was done before I did that. Her ‘seeming done’ is why I had to break it off. We have been on/off for a few years. We were both emotionally unstable but at separate times. The times we were actually on the same stable page at the same time are the things that make letting her go completely a bit difficult at times. But all in all its the best decision for us both. On day 20 I began to accept that we would no longer be together. I believe that she too has accepted that we are off for good. Granted, we’ve had No contact. The evening of Day 20 brought relief internally. It has those thoughts of her daily but I am now smiling, talking to others and focusing on becoming a better me. Im choosing healing sooner rather than later. I spent the last 20 days lying in bed, no shower for 2 days at times, no interest in doing anything or talking to anyone. Why waste more time on this unproductive behavior? So I Had to pull myself into the Acceptance part of the grieving stage. Out of all the times her and I broke up, this one has been the toughest for me because I now own that I will not go back this time. Eddie, you hit the nail on the head with much in this article. Its nice to read that & others replies because it makes us know, We are normal. To anyone that reads this please know that while taking these steps to accepting and letting go isnt easy, it is possible and it does hurt but thats growing pains.
My best hopes for all.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Not everything you see is what it truly is. My story goes like this . My love of my life left me out of the blue after 2 years .
I came home from work to find her stuff gone and a letter sitting on the counter saying how we were not right for each other, and how she was not the relationship type. How she was planning to leave me for over 6 months.
How she will always love me but never love me again. After several weeks of pain and feelings of rejection. I thought all love was lost and I could pick myself up, dust off and start the slow process of healing a broken heart.
Well guess what, no dice. She continued to keep in contact with me, even when I told her it would be best for her to go date other people, and I will leave you alone . She would only say if you don’t want to be friends then I will be deeply hurt and sad.
This coming from a women who tore my heart out and stepped on it. Its been a few months sense our break up. We are now seeing each other once a week on average, the love we once shared is building up again. My advice to anyone , if your not afraid of change or what could happen if you get your heart tore out again then try to work things out. Don’t hold your feelings back, let her know how much she means to you.
She will think about your words and most importently will see it in your actions if you truly love her and the things your doing to prove your love for her. Don’t pressure her, accept that you might never make it in a relationship with her again. But the most important thing to do is don’t be afraid of heart break.
If she meant that much to you, then she will see in time just how much you love her and it will have a positive affect on her feelings for you. My ex and I are now going on dates , holding hands, kissing and holding each other when both of us thought it was never possiable. Love will find away if its real love. If it don’t happen then you cant at least know you tried and your not afraid to love again. All realtionships have the potential to break your heart, in fact they all do sooner or later, its how you handle the pain that makes you stronger in the end, and your ex will see this and find it very attractive.
Hi Eddie . This is a great site . Thanks for what you’re doing to help others ( including myself ) . I’m a big believer in time being the strongest means of getting back to feeling good again after a break up . I know what I’m talking about here because the one I experienced just over a year and a half ago was absolutely devastating for me . I won’t get into details, but time was / is the only factor for me . That being said , when time feels like its not passing ( obviously it is but I think ppl will know what I mean ) or during the long period of feeling like you’re barely existing it sure is nice to feel some solace resulting from knowing you are not alone . I wouldn’t wish what I went through ( not quite 100% yet ) on anyone – but its sure nice to read the words of others and be able to relate to many of them . I’m alone physically but not spiritually . I truely believe we are all connected and in time of emotional trauma we draw unto one another . Thats why we exist . To help each other in our lives . So thank you Eddie and to others that visit here . You’re words and stories absorb me and comfort me in knowing that I am not as alone as I feel . I don’t think any of us are . Just feels that way I suppose .
Take care folks , and thanks and respect to all of you .
Thank you Murph for your kind words and for sharing your thoughts.
hi Eddie. I moved out of my boyfriends house 2 months ago and i’m in temporary accommodation. I moved to his city 3 1/2 years ago to be with him. left my friends and family and everything i knew. Were together 5 years. He took a job working away during the week only a few months after i moved in and he would only come home on the weekends and every other weekend we would have his children with us. He earned 5 times what i earned but he was very tight with money, he liked to save and invest for his childrens future. He would not buy a house together with me as he likes everything to be his and the kids made sure i knew it wasn’t my house too. This caused a lot of resentment on my part and in the end we did nothing but argue. I felt neglected. He said he couldn’t commit as we argue too much and it just became a vicious circle. I didn’t want to leave but i knew it was what he wanted and he didn’t try to stop me. it was heartbreaking. Soon after i left, he was on dating sites looking for another relationship. my old neighbor told me he got rid of all our photos from the house and rearranged everything and bought new things for the house. i’m gutted. we have exchanged a few text and emails. some still arguing and both apologizing but mostly on my part and not his. He wants to cut me out of his life. I contacted him about 8 days ago to see if we could try again living separately and take things slowly but he said he was too angry to think about it. I told him i was moving back home as work are transferring me as there is nothing for me here and he didn’t reply. Im leaving in a couple of weeks and he couldn’t care less. I miss him and the kids. can’t eat or sleep and truly heartbroken.
I hate to sound negative and all, but seem like your ex is trying to get the last laugh(so to speak) inviting you to the wedding. You showing up probably flip her upside down, no wonder she wouldn’t give you any eye contact lol. I don’t know if it was truely sincere or she just wanted drive the dagger deeper into the wound, but guess you had the last laugh!
Actually it wasn’t malicious intent to invite me to her wedding at all. Our families were very close at the time… so I think she thought it would have been unpolite NOT to invite me. Maybe she thought/hoped I wouldn’t show up.
I was lucky it turned out so great for the both of us.
I left my ex exactly 5 years ago after spending 12 years of lies with him…..the day I left him was the day he told me he was living a double life and had a family including a current wife and 3 kids. I was devastated to say the least….For years after the break up, I lived a double life myself – I was so ashamed of what had happen to me that I secretly dealt with my grief by myself….crying at any moment I was alone or heard a love song on the radio. I would never be the same….for years I did not live, merely survived everyday.
Then one day (after 3 years) as I was driving to work, I too heard a song on the radio….the song I heard made me realise that all this crying and being upset meant nothing because HE NEVER FELT THE SAME WAY OR PROBABLY EVEN LOVED ME because if he did, you wouldn’t never do what he did and in the 5 years I have not heard his voice or seen his face, he should have made some sort of effort to apologise.
I am not going to lie, I think about him everyday because for those 12 years, they were the time of my life…..we had a connection or should I say I had a connection with him that is irreplaceable – I considered him my soul mate, my best friend. But for me to start living, I just had to believe that he doesn’t care and never did.
2 years on from “my epiphany” and I have met someone new, genuine and someone who asked me to marry them! The hole in my heart has began to heal but the scar will always be there…..I hope one day I can love my future husband and feel the same way I did with my ex.
I don’t think I will ever forget the betrayal but I tell you what, it has changed me – my eyes are wide open and I am a stronger person now. I just hope one day I can finally let go of the anger I have inside as I don’t think I could ever confront him face to face….
you now what i been threw the same thing my ex girlfriend id thought she was my happiness we been broken up since september 2012 yes the thoughts still kill i was talking to her on facebook a couple of days ago but for some reason idgaf what she says or mean because yes we think about the good moments all the time which breaks me down and could ruin my day but dont forget about the bad ones when i find myself trying to miss her i think about all the things she did to hurt it just makes me stronger and looking foward to being a better person that she was and to find someone that would actually accept me for who i am and trying not to change her yea i loved her but like i say we broke up for a reason to actually find the one
Dear Eddie -How do I finally move on? It has been 7 years since I discovered my exhusband was cheating on me. I asked him to leave the house to to think it over, as he could not stay if he was still involved with her.They work together. To cut a long story short, he spent the next 5 months wildly angry with me for my role in the breakdown of our relationship, and I repeatedly spoke with him, at times pleading with him to consider our 14 year marriage and our 2 children, 1 of whom has special needs. This situation of our child together with my ex’s erratic work situation ( long periods of little or no income, supported by me or my family) had resulted in my depression. The man is a handsome, charming, funloving and interesting person but also hedonistic and extremely selfish.He always wanted to come and go as he pleased and plan his time around his numerous interests and friends, disregarding me and the children. Our relationship was not a happy one but I wanted so badly for it to work out.I filed for divorce eventually and after a messy 3 year fight over money, it was over.
I have worked hard to create harmony for the kids’ sake and am in my ex’s company biweekly on visitation handover. He comes in the house and has coffee and chats about the boys with me and the kids are the better for it. But I battle because now we get on well again as we did in th beginning of our relationship and he is as handsome, charming and exciting as ever. Also as selfish!
I feel the only way I can move on is NC – no voice or seeing him, but that is impractical igiven the kids’ needs. What kills me is that he iis charming to me but still with the igirlfriend though they do not live together. Sometimes she is in the car outside when he does a drop off but thn he does not come inside. Ugggh………I need to let go. Please help!
It’s been 34 days of No Contact.
After an 8 year relationship my ex left me to be with another woman.
It makes sense to me that he did. If I think about her entirely separate to me with no comparison to myself she’s beautiful, she’s intelligent, she shares his most beloved interest (they work in the same area), she’s at the same stage of life (one year younger than him and just finished her PhD) and she engages with him probably because she would be besotted and admire all the things that I admired about him (e.g. excellent memory, intelligent, well-read, perspicacious, articulate and entertaining orator, humourous, musical, proficient in a second language, patient, kind).
I had promised that I would never ask him to give up his work (his greatest source of happiness). But I wanted marriage and children, which would have been a big commitment and personal sacrifice for him. He neither has to do any of the mundane activities of daily living with her (e.g. chores) and nor will he have to deal with objections from his parents (because they idolise his work and I imagine it would be the same for her). He has everything that makes him happy now. If the most important thing in life is being happy, why should he not leave me to be with the person that makes him the happiest?
I guess the idea that is the most hurtful and confusing is that he was the person that made me the happiest and I’m impatient to find happiness again for myself but I don’t know what to do other than approach it in an ad hoc way like stumbling around in the darkness with no clue at all where I’m going.
I guess that what I need is to absolutely believe that I will find total happiness for myself. But how do I believe that? Life’s not fair after all. How can there be any guarantee that I will be happy? At the moment I find that very difficult.
Also my ex said that he believes there is (in his words) “power” in the way he and this new woman interact. I always thought there was “power” in a selfless commitment to one another. If so, maybe that means that he is not right for me now. But on the other hand, maybe I’m wrong because there’s maybe there’s no point in being committed to someone if you are unhappy. I would like to think that you can recreate happiness and passion with the same purpose but maybe that is too idealistic.
What do you think?
Also I used to find meaning and purpose in serving other people. I don’t feel like that now. I think that I feel burnt by investing so much in the relationship with Nathan because I feel like he’s taken the best I had to offer and left to pursue his own happiness. It makes me feel very gullible and foolish. I feel like going back to uni to study something that has nothing to do with serving others but makes me happy like mathematics did whilst I was at high school. I’ve stopped strict budgeting because I don’t feel like being responsible anymore. I shouldered so much of the responsibility in our relationship and now I’ve lost the companionship and intimacy that we had so I feel like “why bother”.
Anyway, I don’t always feel like this. Sometimes I feel motivated and optimistic. Just not today.
I feel for you, really I do. It is true that we cannot ever own those we love and certainly we cannot control their actions. You really loved him and now he chooses to leave and be with someone else. His priorities are different from yours and if he is not wanting what you want,there is little you can do to change this. It is deeply hurtful but it is him, not you. You deserve to be loved and appreciated and if he cannot do that, you must be free to allow this to happen. Sounds like you gave a lot more to him than he gave to you. Hold your head up high.There is no shame in having loved and lost. Go for what makes you happy. It is good, not selfish. Join the millions of people who have loved and lost. Be proud that you know how to love. You WILL BE HAPPY AND FULFILLED AGAIN. Right now love and honour yourself.He is not the only bloke in the world who has admirable qualities. There are many specail men and you just never know what is going to happen