plzzz someone help me cleaar my mind am so confuse dnt knw wat to do. i just broke up with my bf of 3 months. it did hurt me a bit in the beginning but deep inside me i wasnt really happy being with him. n wen we broke up i realise am much happier without him. but now there another prob. before i met my ex bf i was friend with another guy we use to do so many fun stuff together we were just so happy being best frd we were so compatible as frd so many thng in common between us. but since i met my ex my friend got really distant from me. i never really told him about my boyfriend. but now i really miss the moment me n my friend had. i knew he liked me but he never really propose me so i cant even approach him in that way. now wen i think back i was so much happier with him n so myself with him but i dnt knw wats happening to me. why am thinkg abt my friend is it becoz i just broke up with my ex or i did liked him before but becoz he never propose me we couldnt be together. wats wrong with me....what to do???

Hi Eddie, I do agree with you with people thinking of "the one" it doesn't exist also, about the six (6) type of love it give me a better understanding of true love. What you said about A relationship is good if both are compatible and willing to make an effort to make it work "I totally agree". I am going through a break up presently and recently found your site and I was feeling really down and I knew your site would have something to make me feel better and this article did.

Thank you so much

Christine
Guyana, SA

I completely agree! I have recently broken up with my boyfriend of 10 months and he was always asking me to try and be someway else that I wasn't. In the end I told him exactly that I was waiting for him to love me unconditionally, faults and all without trying to change me, because that was how I felt towards him. Needless to say we didn't work out.

wow. i am in love with this site. my boyfriend of 5 years ended things with me two day ago,and it was ROUGH!! I entered a crazy depression and anxiety state back in November and I have been all over the place in trying to find that happiness i once had in my life.If you have gone through anxiety and depression you know how essential your family and loved ones are at keeping you grounded. there were days when i really thought i was going crazy and my boyfriend was really a big motivator for me. I have been seeing a therapist for about a month a half and things were really looking amazing. Last week I felt happy for the first time in a looooong time and it felt soooo GOOD. my boyfriend and i were doing "great" but then he said i dont want to hurt you but i need something different. I had two panick attacks and thought i was gonna be right back where i started with my depression. then i found this site =) i dont know if something is wrong with me, but the first day i cried like there was no tomorrow and after coming on here and reading some of the posts i feel so empowered!! the fact that we are not together still hurts like hell because i though, and maybe still think, that he is "the one" but i am slowly starting to realize that the fantasy doesnt exist. i am the only one that can be "the one" for me. so my new goal has become to truly find and love myself like no one else can, and then i will be ready to commit to someone else, without forgetting about myself. thanks eddie!!!!!

Where is the category of love called ‘unexplainable’?

I have been involved in a long distance relationship for two years now, and despite not seeing the man who holds my heard for one year (will be seeing him in a few days though !), my feelings for him have not swayed. We met in a conflict zone and it took two months of eye contact and smiling before we actually said hello to each other. The following 4 months we spent all of our free time together - talking (well trying to!) and drawing pictures to get our point across. We come from different countries and I don’t speak his native language and he speaks limited English. The electricity certainly flew between us.

Once we were both back home, we continued to communicate regularly over the phone and via txt messaging (challenging when language is an issue) and I’ve visited him a few times. Due to both of our jobs and the distance between us, it is extremely difficult to see one another but when we are together ….. sighhhhh… He treats me like an absolute princess and the physical/emotional connection we have is mindblowing.

For me, I feel like I would wait as long as I had to, to see where this relationship will take us but at the same time there is no pressure to make things happen.

Is there a definition for that?

I'm very happy to have tumbled on to this blog ( Thanks Eddie). From what it sounds like nearly all of you are taking a good look at yourselves and trying to find real answers.

I've been separated now for around 16 months of my marraige of 17 years. The separation, now divorce (St. Pats day) has been very hard, and has left me feeling hallow, empty, angry, well you name it. The ex announced just announced to me that she met someone and will be going to Europe to get married in September. As you can imagine, this has crushed me, because, as it turns out, I'm still in love with her. Or at least, I think I am. If I am or not, have no power to change this situation. Slowly, I am coming to terms with it, and hopefully, one day, I will loose my hostility towards her and her new husband. This is also hard as we have 2 great kids, and my daughter will be moving in with my ex.

I turned 40 yesterday. I have been dating a nice girl for about 7 months now. She's right for me in many ways, but ultimately, I'm not recovered from my breakup and I carry a lot of baggage, considering. On top of that, I'm not "IN" love w/ her. I have been trying, but I just cannot will it to be. We are at a crossroads where she has to go back to her country, but she's only staying for me. I have been thinking quite hard and have determined that I'm doing her a great diservice and need to let her go. This is very painful as I care for her and want to love her, but I have changed as a person within a commited realtionship for so long. I just don't have what it takes to invest myself in someone else anymore.

The glass 1/2 full on this unfortunate situation is I know we both will be better off after I let her go. I am more jaded based of my long recovery experience, so I feel I will end up on my feet faster than she might. Though I hope all the best for her. I'll likely do this this weekend, though there NEVER seems to be a good time to do this.

this is really really really really a great message which u can convey to the world to prevent divorces, heart aches, pain becoz of break ups... etc

tis one message will solve all in this world.............. i have undergone this similar episode in my life....

thanks for making my views clear... now i feel i have found the proper guidance for my life...


may god bless u

I found myself to be the "Mania".
And what happened to me is a reminder that we should really love ourselves before we should love anyone.
And here's my story;

I've always have low self esteem due to my awkward teenage years.
I was pimply and constantly being mocked at for it.
Even my mum was rather harsh with her critics(I don't blame her).

It was only in my late teens, that I discovered that dressing up & looking good on the outside helped to improved my self esteem a little.
Gradually, over time, I take on a new persona & pretended to be really comfortable & confident about myself.. but deep down, I was still very much the same insecure boy that I was years ago.

I never had a gf till I was 24yrs old.
When she came along, it was the best thing that happened to me in my entire adult life.
She was vivacious, gorgeous & full of life.
We fell madly in love.
The sex was marvellous & the passion was strong.
However, over time, I grew increasing insecure & was afraid to lose something so wonderful..
My insecurities got the better of me & I was increasing harsh towards her..
Constantly being fault-finding & verbally abusive towards her, in hopes of being in control of the relationship.
I knew that was a wrong thing to do but I just couldn't help it due to my low self esteem.
She eventually left me when she could no longer feel love from me.
I was devastated and was suicidal.
We were together for 1.5 years.

However, 3 months later, she came back & wanted me back but I screwed up yet again. I was prideful & dumped her after being back together for 3 weeks, only to realise I still love her dearly( I'm a total mess-up).
But this time, she left for good.
No amount of pleading, calls or emails helped. (Just when I thought I couldn't screw up any furrther)
I was back to depression again.

Shortly after that, triggered by a desperate attempt to numb my emotional pain, I jumped into a relationship with another girl that came my way.
One that I know, right at the beginning, that I wasn't able to give my love & attention fully.
The relationship lasted for a year as she became increasing clingy.
She was the one who ended the relationship hoping that I might show her some love in return.. Or that I might court her back.
I didn't went back to the relationship, for it was getting increasing difficult to have any proper conversation with her.
Thinking back, I guess she belongs to the "mania" category as well, as I do see my reflection in her.

After which, I went single for a year, decided that I should just not meddle with affairs of the heart.
However, in between this one year period, I caught myself thinking about my 1st gf, realising that I haven't gotten over her(even after more than 2years).
Just when I thought I'm a better person to give love after my one year hiatus from love..
I just wasn't ready for it.

Then early 2008, I met a lady on the internet, she was everything I ever wanted, matured, attractive, driven & highly successful in her career.
We fell in love.
I thought I have found "the one" for me.
We shared the same hobbies, photography, travelling & a love for japanese food. We visited almost half the globe within our one year & 5 months together.
And guess what, she left me a few weeks back.
I screwed up. Yet. Again.
I was insecure & felt that I didn't deserve her, the same fault finding cycle repeat itself again.
I literally killed her love for me, single handedly.
And now, I'm all alone.
Picking up my pieces..
Punished by my own insecurity..
Life have lost its meaning to me..

@Jack and joseR..
Guys....u have one more partner here....i was being the same,trying to jump from one relationship to other...tryign to mask the pain.But this time it was quite devastating,but however i am holding on not to jump into another relathionship and makes things worser for me.It hard to come out of it.But i am far better compared to last month except bit of haunting memory.its the time to grow up and love ourself..
@Jack:its been 3 months since u broke up.how are u feeling now??...i hope u are fine....

dude wow your story has touched me i am the same way bro and i killed the relationship but bro i am finally learning to love myself put myslef first i hated being so insecure and codependent on my partner i suggest you get into a support group or something or a course to love yourself and focus on yourself bc in the end its never about her but about you! so hey i dont wanna push u or anything but i want to challenge you to love yourself bro i hope you are up to the challengwe to do w.e it takes to love yourself and be "mania" again

Thanks, Eddie. This is very helpful. I'm a several days post-breakup (yes, again.... *sigh*). While this one is nowhere near as painful as the one I endured a little over a year ago, I can't help but wonder if there's something wrong with me. Maybe I'm not supposed to be in a relationship? Maybe I will never find true love? Maybe not everyone (including myself) has a "one"?

Hi Angelica,

Please don't do this! This "is-there-something-wrong-with-me"-mindset is really bad for you.

Take this whole thing as a learning process. Each step brings you closer to the partner who's perfect for you. Just be patient.

You got over your Ex the first time and you will again... and this time much faster.

Your friend,
Eddie

I do understand where you’re coming from, and it's very plain to see that you've been hurt, bad. I understand it was 1998, this is 2010 and you’re still talking about it. But it is the way you make a living. Lol I guess we never forget.. You did ask for comments, so this is how I feel….
I do believe in true love, it is un-conditional love. One must love them selves before they are capable of this. One must also be able to give it in order to receive it. Most people are not capable of loving un-conditionally. Some love with their mind and not their heart, just as some love for purely physical reasons and not what’s inside. I don’t think one can think of love as being realistic unless you love solely with your mind. I don’t think we can choose who we fall in love not where our heart is concerned, except to monitor the kind of people we associate ourselves with.. That being said, To love or not to love is a chose we make. Some, after being hurt choose not to love again, they close themselves off and are just num inside..
As for the “one”, after getting thru a terrible breakup with who I thought was the "one", I certainly hope there is more than just that one. I don’t know yet, but I haven’t given up.
I have learned a lot of what I’m telling here from the one who broke my heart. Thou it ended, we had a amazing relationship, I think he would say the same. Looking over my life, I’ve only loved a couple of times, each time was better than the one before and when it ended hurt worse than the one before. I think it is better to feel love or even pain, than nothing at all.. Finding true, un-conditional love is not easy, but when you do it takes commitment on both sides for happiness.
So I guess a part of me is cautiously looking forward to the next and if it’s better than the last, OMG, this should be good. Maybe it will be the “one” that last a life time..

@Ryan -I agree with much of Ryan's comments. The question," is there the one out there?" Yes I believe there is , but you would be very lucky to find them at the beginning of a relationship, when either partner are doing all they can to give a good impression.
Relationships are complex, there is respect, trust, commitment, sharing, and effective communication, involved.
I have been married for twenty years. It's been a roller coaster of highs and a very stressful low several years ago, which almost tore us apart. We emerged closer and more caring to each other, and are living now in a happy, content relationship. So I can in all honesty say, she is the one!

I always believe of an unselfish love to be true love. It was even taught in the Bible, just like how Jesus let himself be crucified just because of an unselfish loves towards mankind. This kind of love is true and sincere. When we are going to relate this to relationships, does it mean that setting someone go shows how much we love them?

Well I guess, letting go is not the bravest thing to do to show love. It's fighting for it and then eventually giving up and accepting defeat if you see you are just causing unhappiness.

I have read the article and all the posts and there is something from everyones post that relates with me. I agree with Staphanie on the fact that when you know all that is to know about someone (good & bad) and you are still there, you are willing to give everything and love unconditionally. That's apart of true love. My ex keeps telling people how much he still loves me but he chose to not be with me he chose "Good Times" and material things rather than been with me and the love we shared. The last few months of our relationship he wasn't really there, he was just going through the motions. As Eddie says, a relationship takes daily commitment, you have to want to be there. I heard a quote from a movie where the guy tells the girl " I WOULD RATHER FIGHT WITH YOU THAN MAKE LOVE WITH ANYONE ELSE" .
I agree that every relationship you have prepares you, makes you wiser and makes you stronger for the next.
I loved my Ex to the point where all that mattered was his happiness. He was my everything, my sun rose and set on him. I was willing to give up everything for him. I realise now how wrong that was. You need to be a whole person BEFORE you go into a relationship, you need to love yourself. Each day I learn to Love myself a little more, every part of me, unconditionally

This site is amazing, it makes the heartache more bearable knowing that so many others are out there going through the same thing. And as so many bear testament, it does get better and time will heal all your wounds.

I remember to be gratefull for all I have each day and know that each day I get stronger.

That is a good article and right in time! I completely agree with true love definition. I suspect i wasn't quite ready for it yet. And truely i would classify mine as "mania" as well. My break up happened half a year ago. It was a complete nightmare to go through the first few months. Though right now the suffering isn't so much and i can smile and got a new routine I still often have the thought that he was the one...i agree there are many...though it is so hard to find someone compatible. I meet the guys but they are really not my match...and everytime that happens I guess i unwillingly think why did we have to break up it was so good....i know why we had to break up though in my head and i know it was the right thing to happen but this annoying thought comes back over and over again....
Good luck everyone fighting the illusion. what works best is to kill that thought right were it starts and tell yourself something like...come on...he's not the only man on the planet...what makes you think he's the only one who'd fit you....and the best thing about this thinking...it is true! The person behind is not the only option in life and if at the moment none pass by doesn't mean there are none....
Anyhow...thanks for the article read it right at the moment when was thinking why in the world we had to break up and it had to be over...huh...that helped quit this thinking...:)

I believe in soul mates, but I don't believe everyone is ready to meet theirs in every lifetime... I believe that every man I've met and been involved with has been "the one" because every relationship prepares you for the next one. He was "the one" for the moment. You can't be with the one you're going to end up with unless you went through the experiences of the ones from your past. That's like going from being overweight to a body builder overnight. Therefore every relationship you have is important and necessary, whether it ends in what you consider to be favorable or not.
I also believe that you absolutely have to love yourself before you can be in a healthy relationship. But most people never learn to completely love themselves so they're in relationships that require dependency to some extent, and if they don't see this, they'll never be truly happy. But again, not everyone is ready to meet their soul mate in every lifetime...

A few months ago my boyfriend broke up with me. It left me falling through an abyss of darkness.
I guess my love would have been categorised as the "mania"type. I had an extremely low self-esteem which i have suffered from all my life. Being with my boyfriend let me taste moments of happiness and I lived for them. But most of the time it was hard work. I was scared he would leave me, scared he didn't love me as much, scared that I wasn't good enough... My insecurities tore him down and after a year he couldn't do it anymore.
I thought he was "the one". It was so hard letting go of the idea that we fitted so perfectly together, that I would never find anyone who was like him. But slowly I came to a realisation:
I wasn't happy. I wasn't happy before I met him, I wasn't happy with him either. Not for real.
To become happy I had to love myself. I had to stop concentrating on him and the idea óf being or not being with him, and concentrate on myself.
Now, 4 months later, I am happier than I've ever been. I feel so strong, that I made it through all the darkness. I did it all by myself, with help from friends and family, and I couldn't be more proud.
My ex and I are giving our relationship another go. The difference now is, that I don't stress by asking myself if he's the one or if i'm his true love. I believe that right now we are together, and in this moment he is the one for me, but i know by experience all that can change, but that's ok. Then I will find another "one" for me. And I will try never to lose myself again, because as long as I have this love for myself, I will always come out on the other side, I won't stay in the darkness.
It might be cliché but it is so for a reason:you can't love someone without loving yourself. Or at least, you will never find true happiness until you do. The wonderful thing is that you can find that love. I did, so I know for sure anyone else can as well =)

way to go bella! congrats hahha how long did it take u to get to this point? bc i am on the same path and wow i suffered from low self esteem and really codependent on my x partner for everything i know ew! anything that u found that helped u would be great to know

first, I don't know how to really classify feelings like love as they are so complex and affected by many variables of your past, your experiences, your culture, and your innate personality. Nevertheless, I think that love is basically the comfort and happiness we feel towards the presence of the loved one in our lives, and the well to sacrifice to keep him or her in our lives.

However, is it alone, enough to build a lifelong fulfilling, healthy relationship? In my opinion it is not. You need both the acceptance of mind, along with agreement of heart to start a healthy relationship with high chances of survival, and even then you need the wisdom, knowledge, patience, and effort to sustain it in the face of other life happenings like children, relatives, crashing interests and habits, and unexpected misfortune. So I think that when we intend to start a relationship with the other, we have to ask our selves, do we love this person? does he or she has the qualities that I can't live without. on the other side, what are his faults. Does he or she has faults that I can't live with? and the last questions are relative ones whose answer maybe different from one individual to another, and what satisfies a humanbenig may not satisfy another.

a last thought is that we do tend to idealize love and romantic relationships. There are many kinds of love we need to search and practice, love of god, love of family, love of nation, and so many other kinds of love. There are so many things to do and more to life itself than being married or in a relationship.

Thanks for this article! its a great point that we have to be realistic and look past a lot of society's views of love. In reference to Ryan's comment, I'd have to ask though; wouldn't agape make more sense than mania as being a ''correct'' view of love? Mania is generally obsessive and based on low self esteem, and I have experienced a relationship including this type of love - it wasn't a positive point for me.. We can make a relationship work with many different types of people, and have a measure of happiness at that. Whether its the best relationship for us is a different matter! So no, I personally don't believe there is ''the one'' out there. But I do aspire to being in the healthiest and most satisfying relationship I can be in.and this site has helped me on the journey... :)

Being a male reader of your email newsletter and articles only since this past November (Yep. Surprise. That’s when my girlfriend broke up with me), I would like to take this time to commend you for all of your efforts constructing this online community for all of us (including us men) who are going through the experience of heartbreak. Thank you for that.

The way I see it, when we were born and were brought into this world which we now call life, we consisted of what I like to think of as pure love. Unfortunately, we were all born into a world that suppresses love. So, in the process of growing up, we've gotten hurt. We've experienced very painful losses of love. But the question remains: What is love? What is the definition of true love?

I'm not so sure one single definition will suffice as an adequate answer to this question. Each and every person has different ways of expressing love, of expressing true love (hence the six love styles -- And by the way, none of these Lee's Love Styles are meant to be the "correct" way of loving. Agape is not necessarily better than Mania). After taking Lee’s Love Styles survey myself, I found that out of the six dimensions (Eros, Mania, Ludus, Storge, Agape, and Pragma) of love styles I ended up being a combination of two: Eros and Pragma. For me, love requires an initial spark at the beginning, and unexplainable attraction. At the same time, I'm realistic with love – in the sense that there are also factors other than the initial spark of attraction which must be met too (there's Pragma's shopping list quality :D). Therefore, I do believe in love at first sight and don't view it as being an unrealistic view of love. I felt it once, and if it was possible once, I have faith I'll find/have it again someday.

That being said, the question remains: is there “the one”?

Personally, I’d still like to think that there is “the one” out there. If things with my ex never turn around, than she wasn’t “the one”. It’s like Michael Bublé sings, “I just haven’t met you yet”.

'forever' 'happily ever after' and 'the one' are romantic myths that do us more harm than good....life is full of change...what we have today we don't necessarily have tomorrow (and that's not always a bad thing)...lovers come and go, and the thing i've realized most important is that the most important relationship one will ever have has to be with oneself because you're with yourself 24x7...it really is 'til death due us part'...so take better care of yourself, everyone.

I really love this story and topic. One thing Eddie describes, is something I really learned from my break-up experience. Life is about loving yourself. Independence: You have to be able to get it together yourself!!! You should not wait until 'the one' (although I agree with Eddie and also do not think the one exists...it's about meeting the right people at a certain timing in your life. I believe that different people/relationships belong to different parts of your life). Don't wait for that person...that person will come by, sooner or later. And until that time, live your life to the full. You are responsible for your own happiness, no one else is. That's the main thing that I've learned. Life is what you make of it!

Around 9 months I ago, I stumbled upon this website. After spending some time reading the posts and articles, I felt something gaining momentum inside me. It wasnt the anger that caused this feeling, it was the feeling of insight, the feeling that I wasnt alone, the feeling of a new life, a new ME.!

The journey so far has seen plateaus and valleys and steep climbs but the scenery has been breathtaking, if not humbling and inspiring. There were days when, out of the blue, a clear day changed into a storm by some small, insignificant memory. I welcomed the storm, it allowed me to appreciate the better days I knew was ahead. By the way, when someone says "Time Heals All Wounds", it does.! Just be patient.

I have grown stronger and gained insight about "ME" and through my journey I kept on coming back to the question "What is Love", did she deserve the "Love" I gave to her.?

Thanks for this article Eddie, this knowledge will surely be usefull during my journey to find Love.!


My Biggest advice to ppl on this site, feel every emotion during your trials and as much as its a cliche, it does get better and with time, you heal.!

:)

I love this site..!

Dear Eddie,
I understand about the Agape love, however it leaves me confused. I had to stop sleeping with my lover because I was in love with him and he said he was not in love with me and only felt friendship. It nearly killed me to stop seeing him, but i found that staying with him was destroying my self esteem because it hurt me so much to be treated like a buddy instead of a lady. You know, no loving carresses, no I love you and miss you and such. It was odd and left me with a bad feeling in my stomach. He wanted it to continue because he does care about me, but i just couldn't. But i really feel like i love him. Are you saying that I don't love him just because I could not fulfill my own needs? Should I have stayed with him and just worked on myself?

OH this is exactly what I am going through! It really sucks to love someone and accept them as they are and yet they don't reciprocate! We had the most wonderful friendship but I had to give that up because my heart broke looking at him and knowing he did not want more. Hindsight he is immature and emotionally unavailable and I knoew that but I was not smart and threw caution to the wind and allowed myself to love him anyway. I will be smarter the next time.

That's a BIG question...I think LOVE is when you love yourself enough to know when someone is reciprocating the same feeling that you feel about yourself!

Or, when you take all the information that you have been given and all the opinions that you may have formed about a person (good and bad) and its OK...and you're still willing to put your heart and energy on the line for them.

Or, when someone elses interest and well being are just as important as your own.