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How To Break Up With Somebody In 7 Steps

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How To Break Up

Everybody knows that it‘s a devastating experience to be left by someone you really love, be it a break up or divorce. We all have gone through this at least one time in our life. But the fact that it is also very difficult to be the one who actually leaves is something you only know if you have experienced it.

So, the question arises: how to break up with someone?

Relationships come to an end possibly, the reasons are numerous.

They all have in common that one member of the relationship is dissatisfied and pulls back. Maybe he has tried for some time to adjust the relationship according to his wishes. If this fails, he usually quits emotionally long before the actual break up. That is often the reason why the “dumpee” has the impression that the “dumper” is cold hearted—he left mentally months ago.

How to decide if the relationship should be ended or not?

They say that breaking up is hard to do
Now I know, I know that it’s true
—NEIL SEDACA

Here are some guidelines you can consider when taking into account to end a relationship:

  • Does the relationship allow you to evolve according to your wishes?
  • Does the relationship fulfill your needs?
  • Is it possible to have goals together and achieve them?
  • Does your partner accept you as you are?
  • Can you resolve conflicts together?
  • Are you feeling good in your relationship?
  • Is the communication with your partner good?

If your answer to these question is in the majority “no” then it is probably time to move on.

So, you want to break up with your girlfriend/boyfriend and you don’t know how to do this? You’ve never done it before or wrong in the past and you could use a helping hand?

The first thing you have to realize is that there is no painless way.

It simply doesn’t exist. No magical words which take the pain away. It will hurt them and it may also hurt you. There is nothing you can do about this. You can only avoid some common mistakes and make it a little easier for them.

As you continue reading, you are about to learn the steps on how to break up with someone the best way. If you have made your decision, just use the following steps as a guideline.

How to break up with someone in 7 steps:

1. Keep a few days distance

It is very advisable to maintain some distance to your partner before you actually break up. This has many advantages. On one side you will gain some emotional distance, which is important to be able to go through the steps listed below.

On the other side, your partner will sense that something is about to happen and will hopefully emotionally prepare himself.

Just cut off contact for a week before. Do not give too much information, just say you’re busy.

2. Try to be sure about your decision

I know, that’s a tough one, especially when you love the person in question, or are very close to him/her.

Chances are that you were thinking about breaking up for a long time. You have come to the conclusion that you don’t fit together, have different expectations about life or were unable to resolve or get to the bottom of your conflicts. Maybe you have simply realized that you do not love your partner.

Either way, try to be sure that there is no chance of getting things right again. I wrote “try”, because I know that these things are not always easy to realize. You can be relatively positive on your decision, if you have tried for several times to work on your relationship by talking about your problems with your partner.

To help you with making the decision I suggest that you make a list with all the reasons why you want to break up and write a possible solution beside it. Then go through your list and reflect if you have done everything to solve the problems you’ve had.

By knowing the reasons for the upcoming break up you will on one hand be prepared for questions your partner might ask, on the other hand they will help you to cope with the break up yourself.

So, are you absolutely sure?

Next step.

continue reading next page »

Pages: 1 2 3

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About The Author:

is a breakup-coach, relationship-advisor and founder of LovesAGame. He suffered from a devastating break up in 1998. Since then, he dedicated his life to helping others getting the best of this existential experience. The overcoming of a break up is an important step to autonomy and independency. Eddie Corbano developed some new coaching programs, which focus on evolving inner strength and the power to set and reach any personal goal. (Article written on September 10th, 2007)
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Category: Breaking Up
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  • babyj

    I have been with my current boyfriend for almost 3 years now. Early on I got warning signs that he was overly jealous, and aggressive. He has even been abusive. However, there are many things I adore about him. Since we have been together I have finished school, got a job in my field, and even a promotion. I have seen no action on his part working to get a better job during this 3 years. On top on all of this we are in a long distance relationship, seeing each other on the weekends. He wants to move in, but I keep putting him off when he asks me about it. I have tried to break up with him before, and he calls or texts over, and over….and I eventually give in and we talk again.
    I know I could be so much happier, even if I was alone(do not like the idea of being alone), and I know that he will make it hard for me to leave him. That ‘s just the kind of guy he is. Any sugesstions??

  • Ellie

    Hi,

    I am going through a very difficult break up, it has completely crushed me – I am lost. I keep calling him, I must stop. I am gathering strength from these pages and have made myself a weeks plan to keep busy.

    Must keep going.xxxx

  • Tri-Tri

    I was married 18 years to my former husband. Our total years together totalled over 22 years. We have two children. In that time I felt abused. We argued. Spied on each other’s whereabouts and cell phones. I survived 4 drug treatment programs, uncountable affairs by him, abandonment, verbal abuse, and ultimately I stopped making sense. Our worlds watched us get married, and our worlds witnessed a cataclysmic break up.

    Ending the relationship was the beginning of me saving my sanity. It was not easy. I cried and was definitely in mourning. But, I want everyone on this page to know that time and alot of work does, indeed, heal the wound. You have to be proactive in saving yourself. What do YOU need? You can restore your self respect, esteem, and worth. You can rise more dignified than when you started that relationship.

    Bless you all.

  • tom

    I have gone out with my girlfriend for just over two years. The last several months have been flat, we have been drifting apart literally. She has an alcohol problem that always resulted in a fight whenever i brought it up. It is only recently when I mentioned breaking up that she admitted to it and even promised to get help. She didn’t. Of course I am not a saint either.

    Lately we have been fighting over all sorts of issues, and she has even started being disrespectful and almost verbally abusive, especially when drunk. The more I think about it, the more I feel that the chance for long-term happiness in this relationship is too small to invest further. I therefore want out and I have brought it up with her, but she insisted on giving it a final chance but we never even got started on the actions we had agreed on.

    The issue I have is that she moved in almost a year ago. She cannot afford the rent by herself so she would have to move out. In addition to the break up she would have to deal with looking for a house and moving. What would be a sensitive way to handle this? Is there a ‘sensitive’ way? I was thinking about moving out for about a week to help her gather her thoughts and plans together. Is this good enough?

  • cjniya

    Exchanges take place between people’s characteristics, don’t they? Some people with high age and lots passion still enjoy every new thing in their life, while some young people just are the diehard and refuse to change their mind to accept the new things.
    Believe it or not, one young man I know lists all the exciting things on the forbidden list. He doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, and even doesn’t take part in the crazy party. All he likes to do is reading or taking part in some normal conferences. He even collects things he brought back from conferences. There are thirty rubber wristbands, twelve ID cards and even some strange hats used in the conference—- Jesus, what kind of conferences they are? —- in his collection. He is kind of bookish. But unfortunately, he is my boyfriend. Besides the old diehard things, he is a nice man. He cares about the family, cares about his friends, and the most important thing is we love each other. For the love’s sake, I could bear all the things for him. But when I am tired, I think may be I should give up him.
    He is a nice guy, he could cook meals and he is a good cook. But he refuses all the new style of dishes; he only cooks what he wants to eat. He could be a good athlete, but he plays football only and considers the basketball game as the one for giant nuts. For showing his attitude, he forbids me to take part in the cheer leader audition. He even does not like me to wear the short skirts or short dresses. With the consideration of these actions as the proof of love, I keep myself staying beside him. But this insisting made me crazy and tired, should I leave?

  • Rich Baum, Jr.

    Great article. Thanks. Will keep the link for reference.

  • Theresa Craft

    My son is twenty six and has been with the same woman for eight years, they married two years ago. A month ago she left him for a well to do couple, yes, a man and a woman!
    He is devastated. He has been making himself sick, making all of us worry, he speaks of ending his life. He loves this woman very much and feels that these people have bought her. Sometimes she will tell him she is coming over and then he is walking on air, but when she shines him on it starts all over again.
    This woman is my daughter in law and I love her too. I don’t understand why she has done this and if its over between them then why make him suffer with maybes?

    • debbie

      im sorry, my boyfreind of 4 years has cancer he and i agreed to work hard and for me to be strong he loves me everything im his life, well on thanksgiving i noticed his meds missing and i wanted to call police the care giver .freind got angry with me next day caregiver called in my bf’s family to kick me out and get away from my love my life he stood up for me told me he needed me loved cared etc, i told him i had to leave for my health he didnt want me to leave but its the cg’s house so i left he cried etc, so he tells me over misses me loves me so on and then today calls at 5pm to break up with me, i was shocked i didnt see it coming ever he said i cant take the stress i said what stress ( ihave 2 kids of my own and my son and him dont get aong) hes never been married and has no kids 52 yrs old. i was devastated all he kept saying wass i love and miss you care for you on and on i said then why are u doing this he said i cant take the stress, he started to get sick said honey ill call u tonight, he never did we never finished conv. i dont know what to think this is a man whom would never do anything to hurt anyone the perfect man, right.. all out of his charecter, all i can think is his caregive and family are telling him i caused his cancer and heartatche last year, i say that because he told me his mother said i and my kids are killing him, i would never , i didnt cause the heartattack, nor cancer, so what do i do , lost and dont have anywere to go no money no job, i quite to care for him during his 8 weeks of treatment, what do i do …what did i do for him to do this to me and the wearder part i have court in two days with my x which he knows i need to be strong for, he couldnt have waited, i also asked why is he doing this while sick lets discuss after…??? am i crazy what do i do???

  • lids

    I have a bf of 4 years. We are both in school and trying to accomplish our goals. He is unemployed and all he does is play video games am frustrated. I have to wait to hang out until his game is over. Am about to dump his ass he is 26 years old my gosh!! Video games are for kids.

  • Cam

    I have decided to end nearly a 2 year relationship with my partner who works in the same work place as I do. How should I approach this? I know that things need to be kept professional but I’m not sure what ground rules I need to set

  • cathy

    I have been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years. We are seniors in college and are on our second year living together in our apartment. I have been having serious doubts about our relationship over the past year. Our first year living together he was so lazy and never got a job. His parents paid for his rent and I paid for food and my rent. I pay for everything I have and take out loans for college. He has played video games ever since we met and has quit on and off, but only for weeks at a time. Every time we have a serious talk about him quitting he says he will and only does for a week. This is a huge issue in our relationship. We also haven’t had sex much for the past month. I feel like he is not interested and he always says he is too tired. But he is boring in bed and I finally realized that he is. The only reason I enjoy having sex with him is because I have an imagination. He is unwilling to try anything new and fun. He is so self conscious. We usually have great communication about everything in our relationship, but he doesn’t want to communicate lately. I have threatened to break up with him if he doesn’t try to change and compromise for our relationship. When I threatened to break up he was so scared and just kept telling me how much me loves me and how he will change and I don’t believe he will change. I have given him many chances. 3.5 years of chances. I don’t want to waste anymore time and I have my whole life ahead of me. It am not sure i am even ready to break up. We are so different and i wonder if we are too different to be together. I almost wish he would cheat on me so it would be easy to break it off and I would have a good reason to do so with out any regrets. I don’t want to feel like he was the one who got away. He is so nice and sweet, but lacks the passion that I have for romance, life and love. He is so serious and judgemental. He won’t go out because he is to insecure and anti social. He would rather play video games.

    A major problem is that we live together and have a pet bird together. Living together and having an pet bird makes things so much harder. We are in an apartment and i can’t afford rent by myself and wouldn’t be able to find a room mate. He would want me to take our bird and If i moved out i would need a pet friendly apartment. I am 21 and don’t have my drivers licence and am scared of being alone. I also reciently quit my job and now am relying on financial aid. I have no family support because I came from an abusive family and choose to exclude them from my life. I am terrified to be alone.

    I love my boyfriend very much still, but it is difficult to be with him at times because I wonder what I am missing in my life. I want more passion and excitement. He obviously doesn’t want to live live because he just plays video games, has no friends, and doesn’t like to go out and do things. I am opposite and I want much more out of life. I feel like things could work out if he decides to change, but I have given him so many opportunities. I feel stuck and scared. I also feel like I have no one. I have invested so much time into this relationship that I don’t have many close friends. I am so scared. I wish there was an answer or someone to help me through this difficult time, but I have no one.

    Belive me, I have tried to work things out and we have had many conversations about these things, but I don’t know what to do. I am willing to compromise and do anything to change this relationship for the better, but I don’t feel like he is.

    Sorry this is so long.

    PLEASE HELP!!!! Please

    • megan

      Candi, I hope you find the strength to move on. Start making plans to become more financially and physically independent of him. You will feel so much better if you do this for yourself. Stay focused and you will reach your goal. if you are social, lean on your friends to help you through this. There will be times you are lonely, but try to reach out to your friends. You are strong and can do this. You are young and have a bright future ahead of you. Good luck.

  • Barbie

    Get a bus pass, then a drivers license but first get out! When you say you share a bird let me say be glad it is NOT a child! You are staying because abuse is something you know but let me tell you with every confidence that not being used is the best of all feelings. You sound ready to go so make the plans necessary find a room to rent if you must but get out on your own and make yourself a great new life you earned it!!!!!

  • Ayesha

    My boyfriend and I are comin up on two years this jan, i have been thinking aboutusbreakin upfor a long time. It seems all we do is have problems. i am not happy with how things are between us and i’m sure he isnteither. but we keep insisting that things will get better and we can work it out. I’ve tried and tried and frankly i cant even see how we even spent this much time together. he dooesnt like me, i know he doesnt, we are not of the same religion, we dont have to same goals in life, we definately dont have the same drive to achieve those goals. There toomany areas where we dont see eye to eye. The biggest problem for me is that i always have to change for him, he doesnt like anything i do nor how i do it. I also dont appreaciate our financial problems. It doesnt make sense to me how everything was good for thefirst year and just took a complete 360 turn for the worst. I also dont feel attracted to him any more. I find myself thinkin about other people and talking to alot of other people. He is very overprotective and i cant have any male friends that he doesnt think i like. i dont like his friends he doesnt like mine. we never seem to appreciate or care about each other unless time has come between us.then we are like i missed you and i coudlt wait to see you and blah blah blah. it still just seems as thuogh we arent right for each other but we dont want to see the other with someone else. i think i’m afraid of breaking up with him because i dont know what i’m doing. I’m only 20 years old, i’m supposed to be having the time of my life right now, and yet i’m not. i wonder if we became to serious to quick or what.it seemed as if we could have spent forever together butit is all changed now. WHAT DO I DO, I”M SO CONFUSED!!!

  • Ayesha

    @cathy –

    Girl i feel like I am reading my life story to myself, and i cant even answer you i can only say i know exactly how u feel. Will someone please help us????????

  • Leah

    Help,

    I have been seing a younger guy for about 7 months now and things are all spicy and good so so. I dont go out with him with my friends and keep that “relationship” separate from my others. No one knows of him nor do they realise ive been with someone. I wanna break up and i dont want to im sooo confused. His a sweet guy n seems to do all the write things but the fact that i am 8 yrs older than him bothers me to no end … ive tried twice to break it off and then his like we agreed we just friends to get me to stay. In reality its become more than that im afraid to hurt him but …argh i hate being on the fence and i doubt ill ever be ok with people more especially my family knowing that im with someone sooo much younger.

  • Jaelyn

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, and we’re seniors in high school. In the past, he’s been an unintentionally emotionally abusive boyfriend, and his love for me back then bordered on obsession and controlling my wants. It’s not until recently that I’ve found my strength by finally confiding in my friends, and they agreed with me to give him a small break. It wasn’t until that moment that he realized that he was taking me for granted and completely took a 180 degree turn around.

    After about 3 months of an essential stalemate, I’ve asked for a week all to myself so that I can balance out my life better. While he’s extremely worried about the outcome– whether or not I break up with him– he understands and gives me my space. However, I am completely unsure as to what I want.

    In the last three days, we both understand each other better, there is more honesty in the relationship, and we both respect each other’s lives and dreams and goals. He is hardworking, knows how to joke around, makes me laugh, and very generous with his love. He still feels terrible about the things he’s forced me to do and still loves me the same as ever. He still feels as if he owes me a debt, and he’s doing all that he can to make it up to me. It’s my first relationship.

    In this week, I’ve been having such a great time just with my girlfriends and my family again. I feel renewed. I feel each day is a happy day. But I’m tempted by the light relationship that we both truly want: just exercising together, spending some time outside of school, little physical contact at school, and once in a while, go out for dinner or a movie. It sounds completely reasonable, and this is my ideal relationship. I know this is what he truly wants because I believe his warm honesty and logic when he was telling me all of this. Back then, I believe I was his first true love and he was so afraid of losing me that he unintentionally became controlling.

    I am a forgiving person, and I know I have the capacity to forgive him and reenter a lighter, healthier relationship with him if I had the incentive to. But what is my incentive? Balancing my life is a challenging enough. I’m often uncomfortable with his reactive, negative way of thinking. It feels awkward and uncomfortable when he is joking and swearing in front of his friends, and then turns around to kiss me and say something in his typical, uncomfortable brusque way. I’m not sure if I love him anymore. The pain I had to go through with him in the past is still slightly haunting me when I’m with him. Should I be strong enough to make the effort to forgive him, or just move on? Am I so young that it doesn’t matter at this point? I’m not sure I’m willing to make the change and be back in a relationship, or just break it off it with him.

    Truth to be told, I am perfectly happy, and in fact, freer and happier without him in my life. However, we’ve never been completely honest with each other and truly understood that what we both truly want now is a light relationship. He is a honest, intelligent guy. Now, the problem is if I’m willing to take the risk in being back in a relationship again.

    What do you think?

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_5UEZB2Q2HPKHWZXSGINXBHPMAI azade

      thats very close to my relationship.My bf and i been together for 2years.Very romantice,serious, deep,nice relationship but he was controling and doubtfull and i was too against these attitudes and reacted very sharply everytime! he always tried to fix it,,saying im no more having doubt,,but i could feel he is bugging me! he was acting like gentelmen,prestiges,veryyy nice to me! but in these matters sudenly he became too negative,doubtfull,,,and t was very unbearable for me! it never stopped! and we were about to get married,,he still countinued to distrust me,,so after 2years of challenging making him undrestand that life is about being free,positiveand turst each other & respect,,he made me tired and i hated him gradualy,! i was a free ,happy girl with great family,,i traveled alot,,he was too nice,,but his attitudes was totalty disrespecting me,,and it comes from a weakness! he was very weak when facing any tiny problem,,instead of handle it,,he was nagging.
      finaly althought we loved each other,,he is still not letting me go,,
      but after 1000times of break-up descion from me,,and i was back becuz of 100000 memories,kindness,,,great photos! we were so match looking even! same major!both doctors! but iwas scared and now i see this is not normal! a good normal mature boy never disrespect the one he loves! he made our 2years full of fights,dramasss,,,said he is sorry 1000times,but repeated doing it!
      he made my life into sadness,challenging life,! and finaly made me leave!,,,,,i want to break up with the deep feeling inside this time,,
      i told my parents not to let my emotional feeling getover my logical!
      this man insulted me,,he just says i love you,,but he made me cry like a crazy person 10000times! he doesnt love me! he is weak,,he loves himself,,! he i not normal,,not mature,,! its dangerous to make a life with a guy like this,,! i have everything! its damn hard to break up with some one who u were supoosed to be marry! u had ur own dreams!but,,i dont know,,,i feel deeply,,he is going to make me trouble with his badtempered,,weakness,,doubts,,and its the time to break up before its too late!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
      i wish i ve dcided the best descion. i wish,,i wish,,i wish,,!!

  • Kathy Hanna

    Hi, I am having problems with my boyfriend. He is a nice guy but I think I don’t really like him. The problem is that my last boyfriend never really talked to me, and we never got to hang out. So when I broke it off with him,(explaining to him that I liked him a lot but I could not deal with never seeing one another.) This other guy was sorta there to comfort me. Long story short he asked me out too my schools winter formal and I said yes. We then began to date each other and Have been going out for over 3 weeks.

    I am starting to feel bad about accepting this relationship. My friends don’t really know what I see in him, and we don’t have anything in common. Also he is a year ahead of me and will be going to a different school next year. I have started to make excuses to why I couldn’t hangout with him. And every morning I dread seeing his face. I never thought that I would hate dating someone! I get scared everytime he calls/texts me and I’m afraid to reply to them.

    What I don’t like about him is that he often lets people make fun of him and doesn’t stand up for himself. Then when people make fun of me for going out with them I end up defending him for his sake! I have enough problems on my plate I don’t need someone else’s too. He also Is an advid sports fan, I like to read. He loves math, I love drama. He watches the sports channel I watch tbs.

    My parents are going through a really bad period in their marrage and have decided to scream at each other every night. Because of this reason I don’t really believe in love anymore. In fact I don’t want to get in a another relationship for awhile. I know this sounds cheese but my heart hurts all the time now.

    Please, someone give me advice on how to handle this situation carefully.

  • Ms. Barbie

    I have been with my boyfriend for about 15 mos. and everything was fine the first year, we got matching tattoos with each other names on our backs we were love birds. We talked about marriage and how we really love each other then one day he started acting distant out of nowhere, he changed we stop having all the good romance we use to have and he started having a dont give a fu** attitude and start saying relationships are overrated and women are dogs and bla bla bla. This hurts me so much because a few months earlier he was just telling me to be patient he will make me the happiest woman in the world. And we live together now he started telling me he think we should move out. Please someone give me some advice I love this man and iam very scared to lose him this way.we had plans to be with each other for a long ride!

  • Barbie

    @Ms. Barbie –
    Ms. Barbie,
    Reading your comment made me wonder why you are hanging on. You are like most women, we hang on to the dream and refuse to face the reality. His present is the reality not the past and certainly not the future. I waited far too many years for a man I knew was a liar. Guess what all that love and faithfulness rewarded me with…..another set of lies.
    Having wasted far too much time and energy on a man that showed me by action that he was a liar I decided to end the realtionship and he refused to go away. I listened to the I love you’s and watching TV the other day I heard a quote from Maya Angelou, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time” . I heard that and realized I never gave him the credit he deserved from the begining of the relationship. He showed me who he was A LIAR and I refused to believe him the first second third….thousandth time but the last two days I decided to believe him…he is a liar he will always be a liar and everything he says to me is a liar’s words. Listen to this man he changed his mind and only absence makes the heart grow fonder so instead of hanging on leave and let him be.

  • Laura

    I have been with my boyfriend for almost 9 years now, off and on. In the beginning it was great, we did everything together. Then I guess I matured and he hasn’t. He was more involved in “college life”, for lack of a better term. He partied a lot, went out a lot, while I kept my nose in books trying to better my life. Then I ended up pregnant and we moved in together. Things got better at first, he was always there, stopped partying, etc. But after our son was born, he started to lapse back into those ways. I don’t get help around the house. I do the cleaning, laundry, practically everything. I go to school full-time to get my PhD, and he does stay home to watch our son so we don’t have to worry about daycare. But, am I wrong to expect a little help? Everytime I bring it up he says he wants help from me too. But I clean up everytime. After our son goes to sleep he goes out with his friends, whom Im not all too thrilled about. My boyfriend used to have ambitions in life, go to college and get a degree to be a teacher. Then he lost all that. I’ve come to realize that I’ve grown up and he hasn’t, and I can’t stay in a relationship where I take care of two children, when one doesnt have to be a child. However, I dont know what to do? We are very far from any family, and I am concerned about my son and what will happen to him. I go to school full-time and its hard to afford much on student loans. My schedule really doesn’t allow me to work. But I don’t want to stay in a relationship just for free childcare. I know that isn’t fair. I need some suggestion and some help. I dont know what to do or how to go about it. Everything’s harder when a child is involved.

    • Barbie

      Bravo! Bravo! A strong woman with goals and insight. Find the quality inexpensive daycare you are looking for by seeking out every avenue. I know it is a struggle but the light is at the end of the tunnel. Hug yourself woman you deserve it!
      There are so many loans grants and things available to you reach out and take advantage of these things. They were not there when I was in college and my generation of women worked hard to clear the road for your generation…you do us proud. Applause…..

  • DK

    @Laura – It doesn’t sound like you boyfriends heart is in the relationship. I’m sorry for your situation, but only you can really answer the question of if you want to continue living this way or not. The blame game is a comman one, you say he doesn’t do enough, he says you don’t do enough, been there done that.. I would suggest cutting back on college courses and perhaps getting a part time job to pay for child care, as he’s the father he would also need to help support the child, as long as he didn’t try/get them as custodial parent in court, as mine did with lies… another option is that the father still babysits but you don’t live together.

  • DK

    This statement in the article Im sure is true in some cases, but after my 19 year abusive relationship it wasn’t. “But the fact that it is also very difficult to be the one who actually leaves is something you only know if you have experienced it.” It was the happiest day of my life, that I was actually strong enough to leave, finances were an issue, but I had hope and strength to leave. I often think back to being with him, and even in my mind can’t stand it and run away as fast as possible. The mental abuse was horrific. I’d rather starve to death then be near him again.

  • DK

    @Jaelyn – Personally, it sounds like you’re not ready to share your life with any particular person. You like the “single” life.

  • nataly

    i think its really hard to break up with someone you really love according to me i feel that have to break up with the guy i love because i feel that he only wants me to have sex and feel good …
    so im gona make him choose between me and those things to see if he really loves me..
    so what do u think about it i see that its a big problem!!!

    • Nacarr1083

      omg i feel the same way you think you can help me please ! e-mail me at nacarr1083@yahoo.com

  • Zina

    my boyfriend is a great guy and there is really nothing to complain about in our relationship..he pays for me at restaurants, hes sweet, hes nice to me and my friends, hes bilingual, you know. what more could i ask for. i was crazy in love with him but suddenly my love for him went on a sharp decline. yesterday i was with him and a group of friends and my god he was annoying as fuck. he wouldnt sop picking me up and his jokes and the way he talks was suddenly really putting me off. he wouldnt stop literally clinging to me! i dont know how to make him understaaand that i dont love him anymore im not even sure if i can go through with dumping him what do i do??!!??!

  • Natalie

    Thank you so much this really helps as I have been unhappy for some time
    now. But it is still hard as I gave up everythink and everyone x

  • Kiana

    I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. Within the two years of us being together, a few skeletons have come out his closet. For example, within the first 3 months of us dating I found out that his baby mother was 7 months pregnant while. Of course he claimed their relationship was over when he met me, but over the past year, i have been harassed by her and found out they were taking family pictures together. You would think that would be enough for me to leave him alone, but I stayed. Now that it has been almost 2 years, i am so bored. He never takes me out, the only time we spend together is in my bed. I know i need to leave him alone because now he is getting in the habit of asking me for money and i am collecting unemployment. So my question is how do i end this? I try to stay away, but he pops up over my house, he blows my phone up when i try to duck his calls, when i tell him its over, he tells me we will never be over. I dont think he is crazy enough to hurt me or stalk me or anything like that but i do know he is in love with me and he cant handle me being with someone else. How do i handle this????

  • La

    They don’t always survive it, and you are left grieving a loved one with feelings of guilt and never being able to date again without fear. And if you finally seek comfort with someone, forget about the courage to end it with them. What do I do now? just marry him for lack of a better option?
    I know, I know, it can’t be all my fault that He threw away His entire life, His entire wonderful self, but shouldn’t I have seen it? Couldn’t I have stopped it? He would have stayed for me. He had never felt love like that before, and didn’t believe He would find it again. I thought we could find better fits, and even be best friends throughout life. I imagined telling Him girls were not good enough for Him, or loving His spunky, playful, artistic girl, seeing them happy without the problems we had. I never imagined what He later did, now its all I see.
    So the current guy, sweet, too old, lovable, not as emotionally stable as I first thought, not someone I am in love with anymore, not someone I respect enough anymore, someone I still love, so I just sit with him? Even if I thought he wouldn’t hurt himself (permanently at least) could I leave him to be alone? People stay alone here, just getting older, as years go by. There are more men here than women and he is passive. A friend I went out with as a teen is still single, no serious relationships thus far. How do I abandon him? He helped me hide from the world, for nearly a year, but I don’t want to hide anymore, I am fading away. He doesn’t seem to realize, he never met the person I was before, he doesn’t expect much of anything from me, except cuddles, chatting, zoning out to tv.
    Considering what is left of me, I didn’t really survive it the first time, what do I do if it happens again?
    No matter how I obsess over the idea, I will never do to my friends and family what He did to us, so what is left? Fade away?

  • Miss Jade

    I want so badly out of a four-year hellishly volatile relationship. We argue every other day, but he is so controlling and so needy, it’s hard to even get away from him for a second unless it’s to go to work. He smothers me… He keeps my car on a daily basis…and everything that I need to do, or places I may want to go get swept under the rug… He always feels that he has to drive me to wherever I need to go. Before we were together, I had time to myself just to do things I like…even if it’s just to go and do a little shopping. Since I’ve been with him, my wardrobe has fallen off , and all the other things I used to enjoy that made ME – ME… I find I I’m always going by his schedule, riding here or there because he doesn’t seem to want the car to leave his eyesight…He has to be wherever the car is… I have to ask him to stop by so that I can run in and quickly shop…It has to be a specific place as if I’m on some type of strict itinerary… I can’t enjoy life any more. I’m MISERABLE… We argue about everything, and he always threatens to leave… Packs up his things but he never leaves… He packs up at least one to three times out of a month…and it leaves our apartment dissheveled… I’m tired of it. He doesn’t work, and when I get home from work, the house is still in the sad state that it was when I left it. He leaves in the daytime as if he’s a visitor and roams around doing lord knows what all day long…until I get off work. He doesn’t pick up anything, but has the nerves to complain about what I need to do when I get home…I get off at about 6, and he’s hardly ever on time to pick me up…and when he finally does, he wants to ride to see his mother on the other side of town almost daily…stay for an hour or two, and ride other miscellaneous places for what – - I don’t know… and when we finally get home, it’s close to 10 or way past… By then I’m tired…and he’s expecting a homecooked meal and for me to clean up the entire house that he somehow neglected to clean up ALL DAY LONG while I was working. I never get to spend time with my family or friends because on Saturday mornings when I am off, he’ll jump up and try to beat me out of the house. He’ll take off and stay gone most of the day if not all of the day…leaving me inside the house… His excuse always is that he’s looking for work. Yeah right. I’m sick of it… When the subject of breaking up comes up, and I mean seriously comes up, he gets violent, and does things like ask me to take him and all his things someplace. When we get there he will just sit in the car, refusing to get out, while hurling all sorts of insults at me, and calling me names until I get pissed off. An argument ensues, and almost certainly a physical confrontation will follow. After I’ve been battered, and he’s wrestled my phone away from me to keep me from calling the police, he’ll try to apologize… and then want to go back to home and make up… By this time, hours and hours will have gone by, and I’m just ready to go home and go to bed. It doesn’t matter to him if I need to be at work in the morning, he will keep me up fighting until the wee hours of the morning… At the time it just seems easier to throw in the towel and go along with it, but I know for a fact that I need to find some kind of way to get rid of him… :-( I have never been in a situation like this. I have even thought about just leaving, if I ever get his ass out of my car… Just leave and never come back… The problem is, my furniture and all my things remain inside the apartment… How do I get rid of this deadbeat?

    • Toy

      Get a protective order against him, and have him escorted out.

  • Barbie

    Do you have a strong man in your life that can assist you when you confront him? An Uncle, brother, cousin with a car that can help him load his possessions into HIS car and take him away then return and change the locks? If not get an Order of Protection, pack his stuff and drop it off at his Mother’s you know where she lives….DO NOT TAKE ABUSE. Contact Battered Women for advise and assistance in your decision.

  • Gary

    I am truly at a loss as to whether or not I should break up with my girlfriend of about 3.5 years. I enjoy doing things with her and am still attracted to her. The physical part of our relationship is very nice. I certainly want to spend tomorrow with her, I am just not certain if I want to spend the rest of my life with her. There are some problems. I do not like her family and feel very out of place around them. It’s to the point where, if we were to have kinds, I would not want any of her relatives around. In addition, my GF and I are both somewhat sarcastic and I think have problems with depression. There have been many times when we’ve been hanging out and she has a big frown on her face. I ask her “what’s wrong?” She says “nothing.” Which is true, she can just be a glum person.

    Looking back, the people that I am most attracted to have always been chipper and outgoing. I guess it’s an opposites attract sort of thing: I want someone else to provide that little spark of enthusiasm and then I can join in. I just find that I cannot be the one to create that feeling of excitement.

    Two years ago, the woman that prepared my taxes flirted with me a whole bunch while she we were going through the tax prep together. When we were done I left and within a few moments knew that I was head over heels in love with the Tax Prep woman. I didn’t act on it because of my girlfriend. A year passed and I decided that I needed to follow my heart. The Tax Prep woman said that she wanted to get coffee with me. She then mentioned that she had a long-distance but long-term boyfriend. I said that I had a girlfriend. “On again, off again?” she asked.

    I responded with the truth: “Staying with her could be the biggest mistake of my life, not staying with her could be the biggest mistake of my life.” Long story short Tax Prep woman declined my invitations to hang out later.

    I’ve felt annoyed in my relationship since then. But I know that I depend on it. I do not have many friends and I truly like doing things with my girlfriend and making love to her.

    We had a big fight last Friday, and afterwards I expressed my uncertainty about our relationship. Last night I went out and met another couple. I had a good time hanging out with them and having drinks. I was also excited to be out and about and felt ready to mingle with other women. This morning I really missed my girlfriend, and honestly, still want to go out and do things with her.

    I just don’t know what to do or say or think…….

    • http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

      Gary,

      It looks like you should talk to your girlfriend and express your needs. Give her a change to react upon it before you quit emotionally, you would regret it.

      This is a mistake especially men make very often: They feel something is missing and start looking elsewhere for it. BUT, what there are looking for is very often already there, one must only recover it.

  • Dave

    I’m in a pretty similar situation to Gary I think. I’ve been with my girlfriend for nearly 3 years and in many ways she is the perfect girlfriend. Without being big-headed, she absolutely adores me (she loves me far more than I love her, and she knows it), is always doing things for me and tells me that she loves me about 20 times a day.

    For a long while I’ve been thinking that I might not be in love with her any more though. I enjoy her company and miss her when she’s not around, but I don’t feel any spark when I look at her. I’m becoming less physically attracted to her, and our sex life has gone downhill. We don’t have many common interests – all we ever seem to do together these days is sit and watch TV. It’s a bit of a rut.

    She also has some deep-seated psychological issues – problems with depression and drink which have caused us to separate in the past. She puts a brave face on, but I’ve always got this feeling that it’s only a matter of time before something goes wrong again. Even if it doesn’t, I can’t get that thought out of my head. I know that breaking up would absolutely devastate her, mainly because it would be pretty out of the blue, and she hasn’t really done anything wrong (although she clearly senses that I am not 100% happy). I actually worry about her mental state if I were to do it.

    She is always talking about our future – she sees marriage and a house and kids and pets etc., but I just can’t see myself doing all that with her, and the sad thing is that I don’t think I’ve ever been happy with the idea. Thing is, I actually don’t know if that’s because I don’t want to be with her, or I am scared of commitment in general. Would it be any different with someone else? The grass isn’t always greener I suppose.

    The thing is, I’m 28, but she is my first real serious “adult” relationship. Part of me is not sure whether I fell in love with her for who she is or was just happy to be with someone who loved me after a long time single.

    A few days ago I happened to meet a girl when out with friends and we clicked and seemed to get on great straight away. She is gorgeous and a real sweetheart, and seems to be very keen on me. I haven’t yet contacted her, because I know if I do so then that’s the end of my current relationship. Basically meeting this girl might be the catalyst that I needed to force my hand and get out of my current relationship. Or it could be something that forces me to make a hasty decision that I may regret later.

    The thing that worries me is the whole “you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone” idea… This is primarily because I haven’t been in many relationships, so I don’t know if what I’ve got is as good as I’m going to find. We have a great rapport and I can really be myself with her, but then that might also be the case with another girl, I just don’t know. I don’t want to break up and then realise it was the biggest mistake of my life because she was the one for me.

  • Fred

    Here’s my rule:

    If we break up we’ll have no contact for *double* the time we’ve gone out, minimum 6 months, maximum 2 years.

    Feel free to email me in 48 months ;-)

  • Harriet

    hi I need advice… my bf is like a best mate aswell as a bf it’s amazing we’ve been together for a couple of months and we get on so well. I’m great friends with his friends and he’s my best friends best friend so it’s all very close. there’s a problem though. I don’t fancy him anymore but I need him in a way cos I’m now prefering the ‘best friend’ side but I don’t no what to do! if I break with him it will ruin everything and we’ll no longer have our friendship group and i’ll be responsible for ruining everything :S help please!! should I stay with him even tho I don’t fancy him? or should I break up with him nd ruin everything??

  • Barbie

    He sounds controlling and it never gets better. You accept him for who he is and he must return that or respect for your individuality doesn’t exsist.
    If you want to do something that is not illegal or stupid and simply a matter of taste (like sports or clothes) it is you and if he loves you he will respect that.
    Aretha Franklin had it right R-E-S-P-E-C-T

  • Barbie

    Sounds like my son. Honey, just tell her you can’t deal with her drinking anymore and move on….life is way to short. Be honest, she may not like it but just maybe it will help her in the long run. As far as the rent her parents will help her until she can figure something else out.
    Mom

  • sujee

    I desperately need help !!

    I have been married to Sam for 4 year. Been seeing each other for 4 yrs before we got married. he is 15 yrs older than me. He was my boss at work, he was separated from his wife and had huge debts. i knew everything before we got along. he started liking me and the moment i realized that i started avoiding him as much as i cud without others noticing that. But then he was in the verge of tears n made me feel that he was indeed in luv with me. i was 22 yrs old then.

    In india we start seeing each other only if we know the relationship will lead to marriage. Since Sam was only separated i kept asking him when he will get his divorce so we can get married. he kept telling me that he is working on a fund on his son’s name so he can claim custody of his son…..but later i realized that there was no fund or anything…he was just lying to me…..but luv blindfolded me…..i kept telling myself that once his financial problems settle down he will get the divorce n marry me. sam used to day trade on shares. i didnt know then that it was addiction. I got a job in a neighboring state n moved there on sam’s advice. One day sam said he had again lost a lot of money on shares and that he had forged cheques and so is gonna commit suicide…..i was shocked n didnt know wot to do….i told him instead of committing suicide he can come off to my city and we both together can work our butt off n pay off the debts.

    he came to Bangalore (that was the city that i was in). So many people were searching for him and kept calling me to find out if i knew his whereabouts. i kept telling them i didnt know anything abt him. sam had sold off his car before coming to bangalore and started trading again and lost everything within a month. We both used to stay in different paying guest accomodations then. sam started fighting with me all the time n kept telling me that he is a failure n all that. he had never fought with me till then and it came as a shock to me….i used to feel bad for him and supported him as much as i cud. Then one day he took the 2 credit cards from me and encashed them and started trading again. i was too scared of him (since he was 15 yrs older than me and was my boss b4 – i was still not entirely close to him) to resist n not give him my credit cards. he lost all the money in no time and investment firm owners started coming to me asking for money that sam owed them. they used to come to talk to me with thugs. when they see me they used to b shocked to see wot a young girl i was….they were expecting to see a big woman who cud b sam’s fiance u know. i was strong and dealt with all of them. I was hardly 24 years old then.

    then sam made me take personal loans from 3 banks and started trading again. n lost again in no time. thats when all the fighting started. he used to b so heartless and also used to shout at the peak of his loud voice to the extent that neighbors used to come outside their home to see wots happening. by this time we had rented a house and moved in together.

    the he got a job in a BPO company and started working. and other than the frequent fights he used to be really really loving towards me. he was my friend, philosopher and guide. i adored him and fell madly in love with him. my parents started pestering me to get married to some one else and I kept telling them i will marry only sam.

    then he got a better job as a manager in a big company and he had stopped trading and we were happy. but the moment he started seeing better times his true color started showing. he used to buy hundreds and hundreds of clothes. he had so much of debt in Chennai (the city that we originally belong to) and so much of loans in my name in Bangalore. Instead of paying them off he started going on a shopping spree….i was paying off my loans from my income though i didn’t not use a penny from them. a man can have 10 may be 20 pants and shirts and t-shirts …but sam owned 100′s of them. and he used to buy all sorts of gadgets which he hardly ever used. he bought everything that he saw. when i told him not to do that he starting beating me up.

    if i need something sam will defintely get it for me. but when i confront him of wasting money while there is so much debt he will start beating me up like crazy. i started going to work with swollen face and black eye and bite marks on my face and arms. i was running out of reasons that i fell on the road, or tripped in the stairs or slipped in the bathroom. in the middle of all this i convinced my parents for our wedding and i got married to sam (sam hadnt gotten his divorce yet) i got married so people will stop asking my parents y i’m not married yet and also for my older brothers to get married (in india older brother’s will not get married until the sister is married).

    The beating got worser and worser. by now i had totally lost my financial independence. i was not allowed to access my online bank account. he used to beat me up if i try to. i didnt have access to my hard earned money. he wud not let me drive my car. he used to keep driving his car and mine. whenever i talk to him about his divorce he will beat me up. one day he beat me up on the road, chasing me on the road and beat me up black and blue with people watching no one coming to my rescue. there are so many occasions when he threw me out of the house and i had to go off to my friend’s place. then i will have to plead him after 3-4 days for him to come n get me. he will b good to me once i get back but not once has he apologized for having battered me.

    Since sam has a family history of diabetes i kept telling him to watch his diet since he was in his early 40′s and he wud fight with me. being a science graduate i know about diabetes. i suspected him of being diabetic and he wud fight with me. soon after we got married i forced him to go for a check up and it was confirmed that he was severely diabetic. then i put him on strict diet. but he wudnt have his medicines properly and would never go for walks or exercise. when i tell him to do that he wud beat me up.

    whenever i tell him at the rate he is going, he will have to run away from bangalore the same way he had to run from chennai he used to beat me up. but what i told him came true one day. sam lost his job because he had swindled money giving fake accounts in the company that he was working. he made me go talk to them so they wudnt press charges against him. i did that too. then both our cars vanished…sam said to manage the finances he had left the cars in some travel agency as cabs. i believed him. he used to get lots of phone calls. and i realized that sam had gotten into trading again. when i confronted him he beat me up. if i talk to him about his divorce that needs to be done he would beat me up. until he gets his divorce i am only his keep and that frustrated me.

    one fine day sam said he is going off for a training program to a different city and his phone was switched off after that. then after a coupla days i got an email from him saying “sujee i am sorry. if only i was open with u and discussed everything with u without any ego our lives would have been better. wotever u said will happen has happened. forget me and make a life for yourself”. i felt like my life was over. i cried like hell for days together. i answered all his phone calls which were from financiers who are all thugs. at the age of 27 i had become strong and got mature that a woman gets only when she is pushing 50′s. i did everything possible to settle the debts as much as i could.

    i sold off all our furniture and wotever could be liquidated and paid off as much as i could (i still didnt know where sam was, but he was constantly in touch with me thru email). then i relocated to my parent’s place in Chennai. Then sam came back to me. my parents did not even ask him a word about all that he did. they thought that he would have realized his mistakes and supported us as much as they could. i had to go through 2 surgeries in one month because of which i couldn’t look for a job. sam said his friend had organized for a job for him in a diff city Coimbatore and went there. And after a couple of months i went there to visit him i realized that he was trading there…..when i went he said he was in a big soup and asked for my credit cards which i had paid off a bit recently. he took out all the money and traded that also, lost and vanished. when i woke up the next morning i got a text msg asking me to run from there since people were coming there to get him, since he wasn’t there they wud get me. i didn’t know wot to do…i felt so betrayed and vulnerable in an alien city. i was crying like mad and took all my stuff and went to the train station and went back to my parent’s place. people again traced my parent’s place and came there looking for sam. we said we didn’t know where he was….then after a few days sam came bk.

    by now i was so frustrated that i started preparing for tests to join MBA in USA. i also got a job in a big company. After he returned sam was soooo good. he acted that he had realized all his mistakes. no fights, no trading. we all thought that he had hit rock bottom so many times that he wont do it again. we were staying with my parents for a year then. and sam had found a job with a real estate company. though he wasn”t making much money, whatever he was making was hard earned and we were all proud of him and loved him a lot.

    still i didn’t want to take the risk of staying in india. i got my admission and came off to the USA. sam kept telling me not to go. but deep down i still couldn’t trust sam wholeheartedly. i told sam he can join me in the USA soon. ( sam has traveled a lot to the states and all over the world on different projects while he used to work for big companies).

    sam met one of his friends who is the ceo of a big USA based firm in Chennai and joined the company as a manager a year ago. and the fightings started again. since i was in okc (oklahoma city) he used to fight with me over Skype or over the phone. i thought we were getting frustrated since we were missing each other. so i dropped a semester and came to India this January. we were so happy for a month. after that same old fighting started. since i know exactly how sam operates and know his pattern in and out, i had strong feeling that he had started trading again. and the beatings started. when my parents asked him about it he said he was not trading but working with 4 of his other friends on starting an online trade analysis website. its like sending a drunkard to work at a liquor shop. when my parents put their foot down and said he cannot get into any such thing, sam agreed. sam is paying off my debts that he had used before. he is paying the minimum due everymonth and my credit file in india is totally screwed since i am a defaulter.

    sam has rented a very expensive apartment to stay. he has again started buying hundreds of clothes and dozens of phones and gadgets and started hitting me if i tell him not to.
    For the past three months sam has not been even talking to me properly. he has not been able to perform sexually because of erectile dysfunction since his diabetes if gone for a six. when i told him to go for his diabetic chek up he beats me up for calling him an impotent (which i never did). he is not able to lift his hands and pelvis, he has burning sensation in his feet and lost a lot of weight and if i tell him to go to the doc he used to beat me up. i forced him to go to the doc one day and he told the doc that he doesn’t have any problem. then i told the doc all the problems that he has including his erectile dysfunction.

    since then the beatings have only gotten worse and my parents took me off to their place. he beat me up saying I embarrassed him in front of the doc. now he has hypertension, high cholesterol and lot of diabetic problems. i take care of him like a baby and do everything for him to take care of his health. but when i tell him to go for walk he wud fight with me. he has off late started insulting me in front of others. he shouts at me when my relatives visit. in front of his friends he will insult if i ever speak anything.

    since i am an international student i cannot get back into USA before may 25th and thats when my return ticket is. but i have had enough of beatings. last week sam beat me up and threw me out in my knee length night dress. i was so embarassed and humiliated. i called my parents and brother and came down immediately. looking at my half naked condition my father got so angry that he went to the apartment and battered sam up. then they took me off to their place.

    all this happened in the past 4 years can u believe it? now my folks have put their foot down and are telling me to leave sam. off late whenever he beats me up he has been saying that he lost the love for me. all that i did for him is past and he doesn’t want to talk about that anymore. that i am lunatic on him. that he knows i am 100% right and he is 100% wrong but still he wants to live the rest of his life according to his terms. threatens to stop paying for my cr cards and loans. though he was still living his life only on his terms he was still good to me when he needed me physically. now that he has problems and cannot perform sexually he doesn’t want me at all. i feel so betrayed and used. i did everything possible to protect him whenever he got into trouble due to his gambling. i am 31 now and sam is 46. i have been soooooo attached to sam that i am not able to think of a life without him.

    sam always had felt that whatever he does i wont leave him. but now i feel that he has really really used me and taken advantage of my blind love for him. I showered love and affection on him and took care of him as my babe though his own parents have washed their hands off him. but now i don’t know how to come out of this. he owe me so much of money. all my hard earned money was gambled off by him. i need the money to pay for my fees in okc.

    1. do i get out of this relationship? or do i give him another chance?
    2. do i just stay in this long distance relationship, hardly ever coming down to india? this way i will still be married to sam and don’t have to tell people that i am divorced (though i don’t have to go through divorce since our wedding was only an eyewash. he was never divorced from his previous wedding)
    3. how do i/my parents get him to pay for my college?

    i know this has been a very long email. i just need help. I don’t know what to do. I have a month to go before I can go off to the States.

    Please help.

  • Erica

    Needed this. Thanks.

  • Marie

    i found this man,he is so sweet but sometimes asks me alot of questions. i don't trust him because he hangs out with other girls. He takes time to be with me,but when I'm sick he acts weird like he don't care and wont talk to me.

  • tattoo

    i been wit my girl for 3 years and i know that shes not gud for me i really dont wanna b wit her cuz the way she is wit me i do everything for her i give her tha world nd all she do iz treat me like shyt i dont know wut to do from here i really do want to move on itz jus so hard wut should i do

  • Christy

    Wonderful read! it is so difficult to break up with someone long-term who you still have such a heart for. You offered up some great advice and suggestions to keep my sanity without feeling cold-hearted.

    Thank you for your assistance.

    • chewy

      I understand im in the same boat i still love him and had two of his kids a 7 year relationship gone to waste

  • stacy

    After two years ive realized….ive only been happy for 2 months. This feels like the desicion of my life. Two paths.I already know what i want…thanks for the steps

  • worried:(

    i live with my partner and his kids, he is not the person i thought he was and his kids are destorying my kids lives, they are destructive, rude and nasty, it is my house but i know he has no where else to go , i dont know what to do

    • Msgail

      Kick him to the curb! People change and he put on his best disguise to reel you in so he can be on easy street. A place for him and his kids. He's taking advantage of you. You deserve better than that! If not for you, do it for your kids sake honey.

  • Felicity Cormack

    I have been very angry because I wanted to break up and we decided to but the man kept on communicating as if nothing had happened and then slept with me twice more. He said he wasn't going to go out with anyone especially the womena he had been interested in that caused me to want to break up with him. Finally he put up on facebook that he was with her!
    I am now never wanting to see him again and have not and today after 4 weeks away finally started feeling I liked myself a bit for the first time of 2 years. I hope I will not feel angry with him for ever but it feels like it now.

  • mandalore907

    thank u so much

  • Susan

    I have been in a live in relationship with Randy for almost two years. He has always been fun and sweet but he has a big flaw, He is a flirt and he has cheated on me. He cheats online in web-cam sites and I have caught him so many times he lies about it even after I have caught him. He always turns it around and states you are just to jealous. I just want trust and honest in this relationship , however I know that is never going to happen. He has been out of work now for a year and all he does is sit on the computer while I work and struggle to pay the bills. Last night we had a hugh fight and he said some really awful things to me. I was raped right after we got together by a massage theraptist in the town where we live. I reported it to the police as he hurt me pretty bad. I have been waiting to go to court for two years now but they keep changing the date. This has caused me so much pain. I thought that Randy was supportive of me and then last night he said during our fight that I am the one with the problem because I went to his house for a massage and took off my clothes and there fore it must be my fault. I just wanted to die when those words came out of his mouth. I feel so betrayed and I told him to leave and that it is over. He left for about 30 minutes but then came back he says he has no where to go. I cannot forgive him for this and I don't want to continue this relationship. I know him and he will stay as long as I let him and pout and say that what he said was not what I heard and I just took it wrong. I am in cousling for the rape as I have had so many moments of depression. Your information here is helpful but I feel guilty kicking him out. But for my own sanity I need him to go.

    • Smiley7

      I think this guy is just an asshole. If you have caught him lying so many times and he denies it every time, I think you should break up with him. Trust and honesty are very important in a relationship. He doesn't even support you emotionally. He does not seem to appreciate the things that you do for him. You could do so much better than this guy. Best thing to do is to dump him and kick him out.

  • doesntmatter

    What if the answer was yes to most of those questions?

  • Playtime73

    I have been in a relationship with my man on and off for the past 2 years. We saw eachother after many years, we were neighbours as kids and I adored and worshipped him as a kid. His wife passed away and left him with 4 kids under 15yo.
    We were both in a vulnerable position, but wanted to try and make things work. Things were getting really hard for me and I felt that he was not appreciative and just wanted a replacement for his wife. The kids are a handful, his sister was helping out before we got together and she just left because she couldnt handle his temper and the kids behaviour. I left him on Christmas Day last year and he was devasted and wanted to try again. I didnt move back, but we tried to sort things out. Then I noticed that he started getting text messages from dating sites and had chat line charges on his cell bill. Other times he was lying as to where he was. Then I noticed changes in his grooming and confronted him. He also has some drug and anger issues. We are trying again, but I just dont trust him, and feel that he wants to just use me for his kids, to help him out. I love him, but I am getting really tired and resentful. He seems to burden me with his kids and his financial problems, and not consider that I have my own daughter and family and firends which he doesnt want me to be part of. He is too demanding from me and I feel that I am not getting anything out of this relationship.
    Help me

  • Lekula

    Please help me,I am a 25 year Male,I have a problem with my gf of 2.5 years.The problem here is that Iam a graduate with a degree and she didnt even complete matric and she has a kid of 5 years.I love her and I miss her when she is not around and she love me a lot aswell,what makes us not link is that we dont share the same interests as she doesnt work nor study,she only stays at home doing nothing and she will always insist that I should help her with money for clothes,comestics etc.
    I try to do that but Iam loosing my patience as she keeps demanding more,I tired to convince to find a job but since she is not that educated its unlikely that she can get a job,worse part my family criticize my affair,they say she is not right for me since she has a kid and not educated.
    I once tried to break up with her but she cries and reminds me all the times we had together,which makes me feel sad and guilty but the trouth is that I donot see a future between us,If I merry her she will depend on me for her entire life and its not nice,If ever I may loose my job that means our kids will have to starve and our family will get apart.
    I realy dont know what to do,I love her but I cant provide everything for her.

    • AG

      Don't let her make you feel guilty. Your relationship may or may not have potential, but you need to put your foot down. You don't have to be a dick about it.. you are not being a dick by telling her no. Do not give her more money. This will be a difficult transition, as it will force her to get work. Unless she is doing something in return, like cooking for you, cleaning, whatever you need done… it is not a fair trade. She will not like it… but in the long run, she will. Different interests are not always a reason to break up. The important thing is that you have some things in common that you enjoy doing. Even one or two things. Make something up. Start a new hobby. She can totally be an individual as can you. You wouldn't like it if she asked you to chill out on the books, just the same as she wouldn't like it if you asked her to read more. There is no harm in asking once- like it would be cool if we could read together or something. She is probably just a little intimidated. Never base your decisions on guilt. Do you love her? Do YOU want to be with her? If not, you are doing her more harm than good by staying.. it only feeds the situation. If you love her, find something to do with her that you enjoy. Take one day at a time, and don't worry about marriage. If it's right, it it will fall into place. If it isn't, you need to make a change.

    • Anon_90

      You are too young to be getting married with someone who already has a kid. It sounds to me that she is using you to live a life she cant afford. The second red flag is that she has a kid… look for someone who is just as yourself.. you deserve someone like that, not someone who is alreaady messed up (no carreer, someone else's kid, no responsibility, etc). Breaking up hurts a lot and she will cry but that is her way of distracting you from what you want. If you keep wasting your time being “nice” and not breaking up with her because she feels bad and cries, you will suddenly find yourself married and lots of years down the line you will still feel the same. You have the right to do what you want in a relationship, you have the right to have boundaries and limits that when overstepped, you explode and call it quits. Dont be afraid of telling her that you dont want to be in a relationship anymore. It sounds to me that you say you love her but you are not convinced of it, as if you were only saying it out of remorse or obligation. If you dont see a good fitting, comforting future with her then you dont really see her in the long term with you and you already know this but it seems that you need someone to tell you.

      However it is up to you to decide as it is only you who knows what you truly feel. Perhaps you do love her and really want things to work out, in which case, I wish you the best of luck. However if you dont feel like this, you should act on it and stop wasting time.

  • confused

    I have been in a relationship for 9 years with my ex just broke it off about a week ago, We have a 7 year old son together and I feel like the realtionship is going nowhere. I am a full time working mom as well as a girlfriend, and a maid. I do everything in the house from cleaning to cooking to paying the bills where he gives his “half” in. He owes alot of money out in debt as well as child support from previous marriage and cant work because he says he will be working for nothing. Because of that he applied for welfare and SSI saying his shoulder is messed up from a car he got hit by years ago broke his shoulder. He rarely ever spends time with our son, I am always running around like a lunatic and the best is we cant get married in church because he was already married. I thought I could show him a better life then what a nutt family he came from( his family is crazy) and i thought if he loved me and his son he would get a job, claim bankrupcy and get the ball moving, but he hasnt. He has tried to get around each and every way except climb over. I am lost for words, i feel horribly guilty, upset and i miss him dearly. I want to call him, tell him i love him and just want eveything to be ok. But in my heart i know it wont. Nothing has changed in all the years. I am 27 and he is 36. Please give some advice. I feel like i made the right choice but it hurts and i dont know why. I thought when you love someone you accept them for whatever reason? Does that mean support them if they dont want to do the right thing? He wont stop begging me to come back home telling me he loves me and he dont want to be with anyone else. please help.

    • Crystal

      It sounds like you've done the right thing, and now that you've done it, for goodness' sake don't go back on it! I am a child of divorced parents, still messed up by their divorce, 15 years later. I don't blame my parents for splitting up, but I wish they had behaved better. Some advice: never treat your child like a thing to be fought over. Never badmouth your ex to your child; that's his father you're talking about.

      I'm sorry for you, it must be very hard for all involved, but I'll say again that it sounds like you've made the right decision, and I hope things pick up for you.

    • Goldfishcrayon

      You have to stay strong. The only way I think he could get you back is if he does change. He needs to respect himself and you enough to get his life back on the right path. Got to stay separated and give it lots of time. When you love someone, support is important, but your well being is essential as well.

  • wellwisher

    i am in love with a guy who loves me more than himself.the problem in between us is his family is not satisfiedin our relation.they dont want us to get married.they tried hard to discourage us from this love.and finally they done something hard. without his permission the found someone whom they think that she will be a perfect match for him.the family loves that new girl very much but they dont even wants to hear my name when we came to know that his family done this. we got very upset because. we need everyones support.love and so. when he heard about his engagement with that girl he was really sad. but i know his charector well. when he is sad he shows is sadness as anger. like ways he said to his mom that he need no one other than me.then his sister talked with me and said they dont love our relation and we must break this for that lovely mom. i was really shocked and i am sure i cant forget him.i was really upset . because i have no one to share my prblms. and when my mom sees my sadness she is crying without knowing what is my prblm.
    the next day he didnt called he didnt msg me. i was really sad. i sent him msg that cal me other wise i will die. ten he msged me that ” i need my mom she is in hospital and she is in a serious condition”.i thought that he will hate me because because of me his mom was sick.But he didnt. he called me nite and cried .he said that everyone is angry with him. when he calls no one is attending the cal so and so.that time i thought he need his mom's love and care more than mine. so i said him ” hate me stupid and leave me alone”. he cried again and said ” i done all this for you and u r saying me to hate you. i thought that i must help him.i said him all about mom's love. said him about every one happiness. but he was till saying ” i cant live without you heart” . i will die if i losed u.
    i wana give back all the happiness which that family losed??? help me please

    • 1st love never die

      i think everyone should take their time off. all the three of you. stop the engagement and no contact with each other for months. let everything cool off first. love will always last and will always find its way and will always win. real love wouldnt die with time. when things are calm, then you can resume the relationship. but both of you must agree with this idea. you must be able to communicate well about this and remember when both of you take the time off, dont contact each other. parents especially mother cant accept the fact that her son love another woman more than her thats why she's jealous for the fact that she no longer is dominant in her son's life. but marriage is not a play thing. its his future and life. so he must decide it for himself. he need to bond with his mother, especially make her fully understand that she is important and always important to him. your role here is not to separate a mother and a son but to be the patience one. the key is, get the mother and you can get the son. all this can be done with time as she's still in shock over her son's crazy love feelings for you. do not let him hate you. and do not do foolish things that you'll regret. be wise… and you'll win. all the best.

    • http://christiantean.webs.com Goldfishcrayon

      If you two really love each other, you must stay together, or it'll be nearly impossible to be truly happy. He must show his mom how devoted he is to you and that he will not give you up, even though he wants her approval. Maybe his family will accept you eventually, but you two both have to be okay with the possibility that they might not.

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