How To Fall Out Of Love With Your Ex

Photograph is a courtesy of 0rangeya

“Tell me again how you went from loving me to not loving me…”
-Movie Quote

When we experience a devastating loss through a break-up or divorce, sooner or later we will ask ourselves two specific questions:

  1. How could s/he stop loving me so suddenly?
  2. How can I fall out of love, so that I won't have to endure this terrible emotional roller-coaster?

In the next few paragraphs, I will give you some answers and food for thought to these fundamental questions.

Also, I will show you how you can use this knowledge to get over your own break-up faster. (Along with some additional philosophical lines demonstrating why love isn't eternal).

So please read on.

Contents:
The Definition Of Falling Out Of Love
Reasons Why People Fall Out Of Love
The Reason Why Exes Move On So Fast
How Can You Fall Out Of Love The Fastest Way Possible
Isn't Love Supposed To Be Eternal?

I had a client once – let's call her Jennifer – who came to me a few weeks after her husband left her unexpectedly. They had been on an incredible vacation together to Hawaii, and at the very hour of their return home, he broke the news to her.

That day she felt as if someone had beamed her up into another reality. The very fact that this happened so suddenly made her break down completely.

What happened?

And moreover, why had he left her just after they had such an unforgettable time together?

“No one falls in love by choice, it is by chance. No one stays in love by chance, it is by work. And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by choice”
-Unknown

The Definition Of Falling Out Of Love

Falling out of love is simply the opposite of falling into love – it's ceasing to love someone. It's an artificial phrase to describe an inexplicable circumstance.

An absence of love once present.

Which of course throws up even more questions, like when exactly does falling out of love happen? Is it a process, or does it happen from one moment to another?

Were those people ever IN love when they could fall OUT of love?

And most importantly – and here's the romantic soul in me speaking – isn't love supposed to last forever?

These are all great questions, all of which Jennifer had asked herself already while she was ranting to me about this man formerly known as her husband.

But before we can get to the bottom of this problem, we need to take a step back and acknowledge that most of us don't do things without a reason.

There's always a core motivation to our every action.

My experience with people is that we all have two core motivations to do something:

It's either to seek pleasure or to avoid pain (it's an ancient cave-man, brain-wiring thing).

So which one was it for Jennifer's husband?

Reasons Why People Fall Out Of Love

The number one reason people fall out of love – let's assume for a moment that this oxymoron is possible – is due to incompatibilities.

When we start a new relationship, everything seems to be perfect. We see the world through rose-colored glasses, and the whole world is love, peace, and harmony.

Your partner doesn't have ANY flaws whatsoever, you both are a perfect match to each other, and there's not a single thing in the world you can think of why you shouldn't be together forever.

Love is a powerful mind-bending drug.Click To Tweet

I'm not writing this out of sarcasm, in fact, I'm a big fan of love. And because I'm such a fan and maven of love, I know that it comes in different facets.

MORE: How I Found The Definition Of True Love

True love exists. It is what remains even when the fascination of the new fades out, and we suddenly and shockingly realize that our partner is all but perfect.

But at this point, when all of these flaws and shortcomings arise, many start to feel that this is not at all what they've signed up for.

Suddenly everything starts to become complicated and hard work.

That's why so many bail.

It's simply too arduous. And we don't want that.

Not when there's another potential candidate waiting in line ready to give us the love-drug again that we so dearly miss.

We want simple.

Again, I'm not sarcastic; I'm merely calling the ugly thing by its name.

This is the main reason people fall out of love – simply because they realize it's not at all what they wanted.

Can you prevent that from happening?

Well, for one, you can always be who you really are, and you can be completely honest about what you are expecting from your partner.

Idealization at the beginning of a relationship is ok to some degree, but you should always know your needs and see them being met.

Am I saying that it's your fault that your partner left?

No.

I'm just saying that a relationship is an equilibrium of the wants and needs of two people, of seeking pleasure and avoiding pain. And if that equilibrium gets out of balance, well then my friends, conflicts will occur.

Whose fault is that?

Exactly. No ones.

The Reason Why Exes Move On So Fast

The reasons why Jennifer's husband was able to move on so fast, and why the break-up was perceived as “out of the blue” by Jennifer, was because he started to separate himself emotionally from her a very long time ago.

He felt that the connection was lost and that his personal needs weren't fulfilled, so he decided – consciously or unconsciously – to detach himself from this marriage.

Slowly, step-by-step, day by day he slipped away more and more.

Of course, the signs were there. Jennifer must have seen them.

When my Ex left me back then, I also thought that it came out of the blue… like she just came up with that crazy idea to break up today.

“I don't love you anymore,” she said. As if she just wanted to see how I would react when she crushed my world.

Later I realized that there were tons of red flags.

I just chose to ignore them, just like someone chooses to ignore a painful, unwanted reality that so completely doesn't fit in their lives.

That was my only fault I share with Jennifer.

So why in hell haven't they said anything – given us a chance to change, repair, smooth things over – just to do something?

Well maybe they have, and we just didn't have the time to listen.

Or maybe they haven't.

Either way, it is not important whose fault it was.

It is important to know that they broke up with you a long time before you chose to accept it. Way before this painful, unwanted reality entered your life.

So, at the time of the actual break-up, Jennifer's husband was emotionally already where she would not be for at least another ten months.

That's the sad truth. An Ex can move on fast because they are simply miles ahead of us.

How Can You Fall Out Of Love The Fastest Way Possible?

So if our Exes were able to fall out of love with us, then shouldn't WE be able to follow suit? Right?

Yes, we can … we are NOT helpless.

Here's the agenda we need to accomplish:

We need to fall out of love with our Ex; we need to completely and utterly stop loving them. That means more precisely to stand in front of them and feel absolutely nothing.

Nada … as if we were standing in front of a stranger.

Given the fact that the addiction we have for our Ex is the root to all of our problems, it seems that this is the most desirable outcome.

I go yet one step further and say that the desire to do so is a precondition to recovery. You MUST WANT to fall out of love in order to heal and make way to the possibility of finding a better, more fulfilled relationship.

It is the right way. But the journey will be arduous.

As you may know, this said journey of break-up recovery leads you through different phases. All of which have their own pitfalls and challenges.

In a nutshell, when you want to heal from a broken heart you have to accomplish three miraculous things. You have to:

  1. contain the pain
  2. accept that it's over
  3. make the leap into independence

All of these will stretch you to the limit.

What I've experienced personally, and most of my clients have as well, is that the “out-of-love-falling” happens with the leap into independence, where we shift off our dependence to our Ex and take off our rose-colored glasses.

When we can truly see the world as it is again, with complete detoxification of the love-drug.

We then realize that we can very well make it alone, and we kick our Ex from their pedestal that we've built for them … with a blast.

MORE: Kicking The Ex From Their Pedestal – Getting Over A Break Up

This, and the time that follows is where “the magic” happens, and we simply fall out-of love and … hopefully, IN love again.

What did it for me personally, was a combination of self-realization, self-discovery and the complete physical absence of my Ex.

And as I preach so often my dear friends: it always starts with No-Contact. (You should sign-up to my newsletter if you need help with that).

One last mystery remains yet uncovered:

Isn't Love Supposed To Be Eternal?

“It is impossible to fall out of love. Love is such a powerful emotion, that once it envelops you it does not depart. True love is eternal. If you think that you were once in love, but fell out of it, then it wasn't love you were in. There are no ‘exit' signs in love, there is only an ‘on' ramp.”
-Unknown

I agree with this quote… with some reservations. Were ALL forms of love like the one eternal altruistic love, then yes… love would never die.

But knowing that there are many forms, including those created by our own power of will – remember how I once told you that I continuously forced myself to love my Ex – most love is mortal.

Unfortunately not EVERY love we experience is THAT eternal altruistic love.Click To Tweet

So when you find yourself alone, after your Ex's love for you has died, the question is NOT whether your love for him was THE “real” facet of love or not.

Nope my, friends.

The question is how fast will you realize that you MUST get rid of this love the fastest way possible.

Because it's either YOU kill it or, IT kills you.

This is not being un-romatic… there is no romance in one-sided love.

This is being realistic. This is me having seen far too many of you who suffered way beyond they should have.

This is me helping you to take this break-up, squeeze every single drop of insight out of it and use this knowledge to become a better person… and eventually to dare to start this whole thing all over again.

But this time I promise you… you will be more complete, wiser and also stronger.

So is it possible to fall out of love?

It is and it is not… it solely depends on you.

What do YOU think? Please share in the comment section below.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

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