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How To Fall Out Of Love With Your Ex… If Possible

“Tell me again how you went from loving me to not loving me…”
-Movie Quote

When we experience a devastating loss through a break-up or divorce, sooner or later we will ask ourselves two specific questions:

  1. How could s/he stop loving me so suddenly?
  2. How can I fall out of love, so that I won’t have to endure this terrible emotional roller-coaster?

In the next few paragraphs, I will give you some answers and food for thought to these fundamental questions – and I will show you how you can use this knowledge to get over your own break-up faster. (Along with some additional philosophical lines demonstrating why love isn’t eternal).

So please read on.

The Definition Of Falling Out Of Love
Reasons Why People Fall Out Of Love
The Reason Why Exes Move On So Fast
How Can You Fall Out Of Love The Fastest Way Possible
Isn’t Love Supposed To Be Eternal?

I had a client once – let’s call her Jennifer – who came to me a few weeks after her husband left her unexpectedly. They had been on a wonderful vacation together to Hawaii and at the very hour of their return home, he broke the news to her.

That day she felt as if someone had beamed her up into another reality. The very fact that this happened so suddenly made her break down completely.

What happened? And more over, why had he left her just after they had such a wonderful time together?

“No one falls in love by choice, it is by chance. No one stays in love by chance, it is by work. And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by choice”

The Definition Of Falling Out Of Love

Falling out of love is simply the opposite of falling into love – it’s ceasing to love someone. It’s an artificial phrase to describe an inexplicable circumstance.

An absence of love once present.

Which of course throws up even more questions, like when exactly does falling out of love happen? Is it a process, or does it happen from one moment to another?

Were those people ever IN love when the are able to fall OUT of love?

And most importantly – and here’s the romantic soul in me speaking – isn’t love supposed to last forever?

These are all great questions, all of which Jennifer had asked herself already while she was ranting to me about this man formerly known as her husband.

But before we can get to the bottom of this problem, we need to take a step back and acknowledge that most of us don’t do things without a reason. There’s always a core motivation to our every action.

My experience with people is that we all have two core motivations to do something:

It’s either to seek pleasure or to avoid pain (it’s an ancient cave-man, brain-wiring thing).

So which one was it for Jennifer’s husband?

Reasons Why People Fall Out Of Love

The number one reason people fall out of love – let’s assume for a moment that this oxymoron is possible – is due to incompatibilities.

When we start a new relationship, everything seems to be perfect. We see the world through rose-colored glasses and the whole world is love, peace and harmony.

Your partner doesn’t have ANY flaws whatsoever, you both are a perfect match to each other, and there’s not a single thing in the world you can think of why you shouldn’t be together forever.

Love is a powerful mind-bending drug.

I’m not writing this out of sarcasm, in fact I’m a big fan of love. And because I’m such a fan and maven of love, I know that it comes in different facets.

MORE: How I Found The Definition Of True Love

True love exists. It is what remains even when the fascination of the new fades out, and we suddenly and shockingly realize that our partner is all but perfect.

But at this point, when all of these flaws and shortcomings arise, many start to feel that this is not at all what they’ve signed up for.

Suddenly everything starts to become difficult and hard work.

That’s why so many bail.

It’s simply too arduous. And we don’t want that.

Not when there’s another potential candidate waiting in line ready to give us the love-drug again that we so dearly miss.

We want simple.

Again, I’m not being sarcastic, I’m simply calling the ugly thing by its name.

This is the main reason people fall out of love – simply because they realize it’s not at all what they wanted.

Can you prevent that from happening?

Well, for one, you can always be who you really are and you can be completely honest about what you are expecting from your partner.

Idealization at the beginning of a relationship is ok to some degree, but you should always know your needs and see them being met.

Am I saying that it’s your fault that your partner left?


I’m just saying that a relationship is an equilibrium of the wants and needs of two people, of seeking pleasure and avoiding pain. And if that equilibrium gets out of balance, well then my friends, conflicts will occur.

Whose fault is that?

Exactly. No ones.

The Reason Why Exes Move On So Fast

The reasons why Jennifer’s husband was able to move on so fast, and why the break-up was perceived as “out of the blue” by Jennifer, was due to the fact that he started to separate himself emotionally from her a very long time ago.

He felt that the connection was lost and that his personal needs weren’t fulfilled, so he decided – consciously or unconsciously – to detach himself from this marriage.

Slowly, step-by-step, day by day he slipped away more and more.

Of course the signs were there. Jennifer must have seen them.

When my Ex left me back then, I also thought that it came out of the blue… like she just came up with that crazy idea to break up today.

“I don’t love you anymore”, she said. As if she just wanted to see how I would react when she crushed my world.

Later I realized that there were tons of red flags.

I just chose to ignore them, just like someone chooses to ignore a painful unwanted reality that so completely doesn’t fit in their lives.

That was my only fault I share with Jennifer.

So why in hell haven’t they said anything… given us a chance to change, repair, smooth things over… just to do something?

Well maybe they have, and we just didn’t have the time to listen.

Or maybe they haven’t.

Either way, it is not important whose fault it was.

It is important to know that they broke up with you a long time before you chose to accept it. Way before this painful, unwanted reality entered your life.

So, at the time of the actual break-up, Jennifer’s husband was emotionally already where she would not be for at least another 10 months.

That’s the sad truth. An Ex can move on fast, because they are simply miles ahead of us.

How Can You Fall Out Of Love The Fastest Way Possible?

So if our Exes are able to fall out of love with us, then shouldn’t WE be able to follow suit? Right?

Yes, we can… we are NOT helpless.

Here’s the agenda we need to accomplish:

We need to fall out of love with our Ex, we need to completely and utterly stop loving them. That means more precisely to stand in front of them and feel absolutely nothing.

Nada. As if we were standing in front of a stranger.

Given the fact that the addiction we have for our Ex is the root to all of our problems, it seems that this is the most desirable outcome.

I go yet one step further and say that the desire to do so is a precondition to recovery. You MUST WANT to fall out of love in order to heal and make way to the possibility of finding a better, more fulfilled relationship.

It is the right way. But the journey will be arduous.

As you may know, this said journey of break-up recovery leads you through different phases. All of which have their own pitfalls and challenges.

In a nutshell, when you want to heal from a broken heart you have to accomplish 3 miraculous things. You have to:

  1. contain the pain
  2. accept that it’s over
  3. make the leap into independence

All of these will stretch you to the limit.

What I’ve experienced personally, and most of my clients have as well, is that the “out-of-love-falling” happens with the leap into independence, where we shift off our dependence to our Ex, and take off our rose-colored glasses.

When we are able to truly see the world as it is again, with complete detoxification of the love-drug.

We then realize that we can very well make it alone, and we kick our Ex from their pedestal that we’ve build for them… with a blast.

MORE: Kicking The Ex From Their Pedestal – Getting Over A Break Up

This, and the time that follows, is where “the magic” happens and we simply fall out-of love and… hopefully, in-love again.

What did it for me personally, was a combination of self-realization, self-discovery and the complete physical absence of my Ex.

And as I preach so often my dear friends: it always starts with No-Contact. (You should sign-up to my newsletter if you need help with that).

One last mystery remains yet uncovered:

Isn’t Love Supposed To Be Eternal?

“It is impossible to fall out of love. Love is such a powerful emotion, that once it envelops you it does not depart. True love is eternal. If you think that you were once in love, but fell out of it, then it wasn’t love you were in. There are no ‘exit’ signs in love, there is only an ‘on’ ramp.”

I agree with this quote… with some reservations. Were ALL forms of love like the one eternal altruistic love, then yes… love would never die.

But knowing that there are many forms, including those created by our own power of will – remember how I once told you that I continuously forced myself to love my Ex – most love is mortal.

Unfortunately not EVERY love we experience is THAT eternal altruistic love.

So when you find yourself alone, after your Ex’s love for you has died, the question is NOT whether your love for him was THE “real” facet of love or not.

Nope my friends.

The question is how fast will you realize that you MUST get rid of this love the fastest way possible.

Because it’s either YOU kill it or IT kills you.

This is not being un-romatic… there is no romance in one-sided love.

This is being realistic. This is me having seen far too many of you who suffered way beyond they should have.

This is me helping you to take this break-up, squeeze every single drop of insight out of it and use this knowledge to become a better person… and eventually to dare to start this whole thing all over again.

But this time I promise you… you will be more complete, wiser and also stronger.

So is it possible to fall out of love?

It is and it is not… it solely depends on you.

What do YOU think? Please share in the comment section below.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

(Photograph is a courtesy of 0rangeya)


149 Responses to How To Fall Out Of Love With Your Ex… If Possible

  1. Yuan August 21, 2013 at 11:06 am #

    I wish I saw this website when my live-in partner for 4 years broke up last end of June 2013. I didn’t know yet the relationship ended because it all started with a fight over an issue which we had always disagree-I was always against him helping his family (he is the first child in the family with 50+ yrs. old parents, a 1st year college son and 2 married sisters…all of them living in the same roof. One day, while video calling in Skype (he was at work) the sister gave birth and I have made bad comments about him helping her again. We fought as I explained my point. The night ended with him getting angry and saying that “I should leave him alone helping his family because it’s his money and I am not his wife anyway”. I felt bad and fought back and said words such as “ok you didn’t treat me like one so I don’t need any other explanations, pack your things here and leave without us talking about it. That week he didn’t contact me, I didn’t too coz I wanted to cool down myself and I was still angry.

    After 1 week, I texted him asking why hasn’t he gone home yet that if he has no intentions to go back, just come home and take his things while I am at work (though I really didn’t mean that. Whenever we fight I always say the same things but we always end up ok). But this time, he didn’t show up. I texted him, tried to convince him to come home so we can discuss our problems but he never replied. Following week I texted how much I love him, how sorry I was for the bad things I’ve said about his family and that I wanted to compromise about this frequently-fought-of- issue, but he never replied. Third week I started to be worried that I begged for his love , tell me honestly if he has already fallen for somebody else, discuss to see if we can fix our issues, but he never replied. 4th week I didn’t contact him but he came to our apartment and took some of his things. After leaving he sent me a text message saying that he took some of his things but it doesn’t mean he wants us to break up. He just wants to have “space” to find himself but in case I find another guy then he will understand. He also said that if it’s God’s will that we are meant, he hopes there will be no more insecurities and doubt about each other, but if we are not meant he hopes us to be friends and only remember the good things we’ve shared. I replied and said I agreed to the space so we can find both ourselves and find out myself about my own issues. I requested him not to give himself yet to another person as we evaluate ourselves so we can meet one day, sit and say if we continue or we say goodbye. I stopped contacting him for a while.

    August 08, 2013, I received our mobile bill statement and found a strange number. My heart started to beat fast and I felt weak. I doubted and so I tried to call the person. Only to find out that the woman is my boyfriend’s girlfriend since 1 month and they made plans of meeting together on March for marriage! I was shocked and hurt about what I heard. They were not physical, she works in another country but they were classmates in high school back in our home country. They started chatting / flirting via Facebook. She is still single too and both of them live in the same place.

    After learning about what happened, I didn’t still contact my boyfriend to confront him about it. I was waiting for him to contact me, but he didn’t. 2 weeks after my discovery of that childhood chat mate who is now as she claims his boyfriend, he came again to collect the rest of his things. He just left me a hand written note this time (not txt message) to say he collected the rest of his things and if there is anything left he shall just take it back along with his passport and ended it with a simple “thank you”.

    I don’t know what to feel! Shocked…in denial…total wreck. For almost 2 months on a weekly basis I was on an emotional roller coaster! Until now I am holding his passport and still continued with my no contact rule. He has not contacted me yet. Should I give it back by seeing him or just sending it by courier? Should I wait for a closure for us to talk and ask him why he left me? Should I beg to work things out? This has affected my appetite, productivity in work and ability to socialize with people. I am still staying in the apartment and have to tend to the house and bills. Thinking about leaving all the things and the memory we’ve had there makes me NOT want to leave it as well as having the difficulty to move/shift to a new apartment carrying the stuffs.

    Note: By the way I was married for 5 years but having to work abroad, I left my husband and son. In my stay of 2 years abroad, I met my guy and fall in love with him so I decided to leave my husband. When he found out I was cheating, he wanted annulment which I agreed since I am already in love with this boyfriend of mine. We moved-in together for 4 years and for 4 years I kept him secret to my colleagues here abroad at work (I am afraid they see us together so we only go to places where I know I will not be seen by them), but my relatives here and back home knew him and our relation, except for my son to whom I didn’t admit yet.
    I am so much of a total wreck! If you could give me an advice on what to do or to tell me anything to help me clear my cloudy mind is much appreciated.

    • Alystea April 21, 2014 at 9:56 pm #

      Sounds like you are jealous of his family and trying to control him from being around them is a bit selfish on your part, especially if his sister is giving birth – he is being a good sibling. Now if he was always putting his family first before you, then I would understand more. I just kicked my boyfriend out of my apartment for the same reason. He was always putting his mother before me, hanging out with her ALL day long and then only coming to see me right before bed and to sleep over or eat my food. He didn’t have a job and was just freeloading. His mom would invite me up for dinners but then he would get on me saying I wasn’t grateful or appreciative enough to such an outstanding person as his mother. I was thankful but he didn’t want to see that and just continued to play out this power struggle of having two women in his life, and he couldn’t fully commit to me. When I was on the phone with my mom once every few weeks, he would get a little irritable. When I wanted to talk to my brother who told me he was getting a divorce on New Year’s Day, it meant I would have to skip breakfast at his parents house and my ex railed me for that as well. He wasn’t able to respect my family in ANY way shape or form like expected me to worship his family. He would tell me that I have the problem with not wanting to be part of his family. So if you don’t see eye-to-eye on family issues, it’s best you get out sooner rather than later because it can really escalate. My problem was, I thought we had resolved our different ideas about family, but whenever a fight happened, he would bring the same things up about how unappreciative I was of his family and all the things they do for me. So he had an unhealthy attachment to his parents and was trying to drag me into the same. If your BF was ever holding that over your heard, you should be worried. If you thought his attachment to his family was unhealthy, then that’s justified to be upset. But it sounds like he was just tending to them as a thoughtful, family-oriented person and you may have some jealousy issues to figure out.

    • Elisa October 30, 2016 at 10:40 pm #

      Well… i think to an extent .. its kinda ur fault… i mean .. would u choose not to help ur sister in need just cuz ur boyfriend isnt happy with it…? Ofcourse no…. it wouldve been preferable to sit down have a cool chat with him on how he can establish some sort of business for his family to live on and weigh him down with their needs.
      Its sad to hear that after just two months of flirting witg his childhood friend.. they were already making wedding plans

  2. jackie November 10, 2013 at 1:25 am #

    I am not sure how I feel honestly, My boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me right before my birthday two years ago now. I honestly thought he was the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with. He was everything I could hope for we where so happy together. At times I feel like I am over him but other times I don’t feel like I am. I still dream about him constantly and I miss him when I am alone. I have tried everything in the book to get over him but I don’t think for me it is possible. I am in a new relationship and I love my boyfriend now but I hate to say it but it dose not compare to the love I had for my ex. I feel terrible when I think about my ex or have dreams about him it almost makes me feel like I am cheating on my boyfriend now. Everytime I see his friends or hear about my ex my heart just sinks and I end up all depressed after. Every time I hear about him and his new girlfriend it bothers the crap out of me and makes me even more depressed. I guess im just stuck in a huge rut.

    • Daniel April 29, 2015 at 3:14 pm #

      Same here. I felt true love for my ex. I planned my life around her. Then all of a sudden, she just leaves me for another man. She dumps me by text because she said she couldn’t face me. But then she convinced us to go on a break giving me hope. No. The break was for me to get over her apparently. It was torture. Then she ends it. When I last saw her we were fine. I felt the love, but she didn’t and I never even got to see her again after she dumped me, leaving a big hole where I just wanted to hug her and say goodbye. I didn’t want that because I was so angry. Now I get heart palpitations every single time I think about her and her man. It’s hard to go to sleep. It’s just so hard…

      • Diane April 29, 2015 at 6:54 pm #

        I’m so sorry Daniel. I know the feeling all too well. You felt the love, they didn’t. I don’t know how it is for you, but when I take a good, hard look back, I think I always felt the love more than my ex. The signs were there all along, in big, red neon letters sometimes, but I willfully chose to ignore them. Then there were other times when I knew the feelings were mutual, allowing me to get comfortable for a moment and believe it was safe to give my heart to this person so completely. I knew, though. Something in me always knew. But I was so in love, I’d given so much of myself. How could they not see that and feel that, and surely they wouldn’t rip my heart out and leave me feeling like less than nothing. It’s been a long, long time since I’ve had to get over being dumped like this. I was a lot younger and more resilient the last time this happened. Right now, it feels like I’m never going to get past this. But, It’s only been eight days. I know, we all know, how long it can take for this kind of hurt to heal. Here’s to a speedy recovery for all of us.

        • Kathryn January 26, 2016 at 11:05 pm #

          HI Diane

          I know you posted this in April last year but your story sounds exactly like mine. My ex dumped me November 2015 after a 6 year relationship. I felt exactly the same as you that I loved my ex more than he loved me and sometimes doubted that he even did love me. I felt like I was a convenience and then became inconvenient. It appears he “lined” someone up then obviously left when it was going to work out with her. It was over the most stupid disagreement but it was the excuse he needed. The signs were always there in our relationship, and like you, I chose to ignore them hoping that my love would “conquer all”. I too was younger when this happened to me before but this time I’m 57 and it’s a very scary time but I’m learning to cope day by day. The break up from him was very cold, cruel and I feel, brutal. I felt humiliated when their relationship was plastered all over the facebook community and declaring their love for each other after just one week! It can take a long time and I hope you’ve moved on enough now – and that goes for everyone who has been through it. They will never know the damage they cause to someone.

      • Cale. June 18, 2015 at 6:25 pm #

        I hear that one bro, going on 10 months of it now. An ongoing 3 year live-in relationship shock break up by text. When I got home all her stuff was gone, and I never saw her again.

        When I eventually do get there, sleep is my escape, where my being gets to rest. Well, except when she finds her way into my dreams. In which case I wake up suddenly, and the cycle starts again.

        Call it stupid when people are out there suffering from things like brain cancer, but this often feels like the fight of my life. Settle in for the long haul, it’s real.

        • Alicia September 29, 2015 at 4:05 pm #

          Hi Cale

          I read your post and was moved. I get it. I so get it. I know it’s been a few months since you first wrote this. Are you doing better? My boyfriend of almost two years just broke up with me. It’s been a push/pull relationship for the past 4-5 months. I am in love with him. He was in love with me. I moved to another country and met him and we planned for a family and a life together. I truly truly believed we were amazing. It’s only been 5 days. He has been telling me on and off for months that he doesn’t love me the same and everytime he breaks it off, I leave but then he says he is making a mistake. This time it is really over. And I walked. It is so deeply painful. He told me it is finished. And then he had the balls to call and send messages saying he doesn’t know if we need time. The mental manipulation is brutal. He doesn’t love me. He broke up with me. He has thrown away a great girl who truly loves him.

          • Steve December 17, 2015 at 4:27 am #

            Hi Alicia,

            I hope ur doing better. I hope that ur closer to finding the strength to never allow urself to be played like a yoyo. I’m 3.5 months out of a 2.5 yr stint. It’s slightly easier today than it was last wk but still plenty of sadness. I loved her and she liked me. I ignored all the signs hoping for maturation during the time we were together but obviously time ran out. She’s already dating and I can’t even think about being with someone else and frankly, I wouldn’t trade places for the world. I’m going to be such a better person for it. Just got a Xmas card from her mom. At least she loved me….funny. Got to laugh at myself.

            I hope you all are a lil better today than you were last wk! Holidays are upon us. I encourage u all to find time and donate urselves to the more needy. I pledge myself on the weekends and it helps so much.

            I’ve gone limited contact but that works for me. I’ll answer her text (only 3 so far) politely but no phone or physical contact. It was thru social media that I learned of her relationship and that’s helped move on.

            I wish all of u fellow broken hearted a speedy recovery. I hope to see all of u on the other side.

  3. Sillyhead December 25, 2013 at 6:20 am #

    this is indeed a great post on how to fall out of love. My partner of 18 months (we lived together) broke up with me after he moved out of country for only three weeks. He see no future in us by doing LD and doesnt consider marriage at the moment. We are in our late 20s.

    He wanted to remain friends, just doesn’t want to commit to the LDR which he thought meaningless. He was the one who moved away for his career and refused me to relocate with him. Our relationship was great so far, he was super loving and caring and I treated him so well even when he was jobless for almost 6 months. However, he left me with no option except break up with him. He said he still care for me but he refused LDR, he refused me to relocate with him (he said he can’t even manage himself properly) and he see no future with me! I was devastated. I am in NC with him. But I missed him badly, miserably especially during this festive season.

    I need help to fall out of love.

    • anxious girl August 18, 2016 at 9:37 pm #

      Hey, I know you posted this almost three years ago, but I am exactly in the same situation as you right now—except we’re in early 20s. My bf did the same exact thing to me. He didn’t want to commit to LDR(despite talking to me every day) and said he wanted to remain friends; basically he, too, left me with no option but to cease contact with him permanently I am only a little less than a month into it… and the more I think about why he didn’t even want to try giving us a shot, what went wrong etc. the more tired and confused I get.

      Did you ever truly find out why he truly made the decision he made? How did you manage to fall out of love? What happened?

      I desperately need your guidance…

      • Dawn russell August 19, 2016 at 8:14 pm #

        Hi, i have recently been dumped by my husband, i really did not see this coming. Back in january i found out he had a second phone then i found is phone bill for hundreds of pounds. I asked what was going on he promised me he was just txting and calling a friend who was going through relationship problems silly me i believed him. On the 26th February he called me at work and told me he wanted a divorce and hung up on me and disappeared for a week. He came home and wouldnt speak to me, when he was home he was none stop on the phone and would sneak of for hours on is phone till 3 or 4 clock in the morning sometimes. In april he moved out of our home he told me he was getting a one bedroom apartment but in fact he had got 3 bedroom house. I also heard that he had told people that i had abused he that why he had to leave me. I later found out that he was having treatment for sti and was with a cleaner he worked with. I cant believe all the lies he told about me. I loved him to bits and never in a million years would i ever have hurt him. Im heart broken

  4. KKS January 14, 2014 at 1:58 am #

    Me and my ex broke up 3 months ago we was together for a year. We didn’t contact each other for 3 months till a week ago he text me and asked for forgiveness.. He cheated on me with another girl while we was dating and I didn’t even know till after we broke up. I think he is still with that girl.. He told me she screwed him over and that he regrets losing me and leaving me. But today I had a weird feeling he was still with her? I was suppose to go see him today but at the last minute he was saying how his teeth were hurting and how he needs to make a dentist appointment as soon as he can. I believed it for a minute then I started to think he is probley with that girl right now so that’s why he is blowing me off? I texted him and told him I knew what he was doing and that he was still with that girl and that I hope she realizes how he really is and that I don’t want him to contact me anymore that I need to move on from him and that after this message I am blocking his number from texting me. He hasn’t texted me since and that been like 3 hours ago.. I do regret saying that but he was making me stressed all the time because he confused me.. I just couldn’t take it anymore and I wasn’t going to get hurt by him again and he is known for being a big cheater..I love him but I can’t let him do this to me anymore. I know there are a lot of men and women going threw things like I am and that does give me comfort because I know I’m not alone. I hope I did the right thing I don’t know if he’ll text me back or just leave me alone. I think he is thinking I will regret what I said later and say sorry and ask if he can forgive me.. But i’m not I mean’t what I said to him and I’m not taking it back. I feel stress coming off of me but then I feel sadness in my heart thinking I messed up that he really could be the one.. But he will never change.. And I did see him a few days ago and we had a good time he acted like he was when we first got together. But when I left I cried because all that getting over him and then him doing that really reset my healing process. Now I gotta start all over again but this time shouldn’t be as hard for me because we’ve only been in contact for a week but we barely text during that time that’s why I think he was still with that girl because he would barely text me at all. But in all reading this made me see a lot. I hope I can over come this and have No Contact Rule.

  5. Stills January 22, 2014 at 2:18 pm #

    I felt everything inside me shrink back and recoil in agony coupled with shock at the assertions here about what I’m experiencing following a break up. I can’t stop thinking about him, I can’t suppress the urge to go over to see him (they live four doors down. Ouch), I can’t see myself letting go because I’m afraid to let go of what I have left of our relationship–my love for him. In the vacuum world I call my mind, I find all of these ideas presented here unorthodox and disturbingly too realistic, too true to reject. I got it. But, God this is so incredibly painful especially as this is the first relationship I’ve ever had (yep, I’m a baby experiencing the hard-knocks of life). I feel skeptical about buying the Ex-Detox System (as with anything else sold online), but the more I read these articles the more I start to believe that maybe this could be something I need. Funny, I found this site after wailing out loud and begging God to put me out of my misery.

  6. Tbone March 1, 2014 at 4:44 pm #

    As the initiator of my divorce,reading this helped me to understand why he didnt see it coming and how by detaching little by little for the past 9 years i fell out of love with him… However, i still remain confused by the fact that although i am no longer in love with him i still love him, which seems so cliché. when i look at him or think of him rather than feel nothing, I feel concern and tenderness but nothing remotely romantic (no attraction/desire or hope for a bright future as a couple). I’ve got a few questions for you Eddie: How do i navigate that? Is there a healthy alternative to feeling nothing for an ex after you’ve spent 15 years together? Or do i need to work towards a more intense detachment and apathy?

    • maninthemirror March 18, 2015 at 8:22 pm #

      Apathy is not good. You will kill a part of you in the process. You are truly a keeper of real love. Divine. The kind of love you still have for him is the real kind of love that lasts forever. That is so unique and special. What’s separating that from the rest of desire is due to something internal within you. There is something you are seeking that shouldn’t even come from another and this will be revealed at some point in your life. You may choose to accept the arduous path that rewards greater fulfillment or the easy path that is quicker and a perpetual cycle.

    • maninthemirror March 18, 2015 at 8:37 pm #

      Do not choose apathy. It is not good. You will kill a part of you in the process. You are truly a keeper of real love. Divine everlasting love. The kind of love you still have is the real kind of love that lasts forever. That is what makes it so unique and special. What’s separating that from the rest of desire is due to something internal within you. There is something you are seeking that shouldn’t even come from another and this will be revealed at some point in your life. You may choose to accept the arduous path that rewards greater fulfillment or the easy path that is quicker and a perpetual cycle. Choose love. Whenever I hear someone say “That’s life. Multiple loves and heartbreaks.” I am reminded that it’s simply a mantra we teach ourselves in order to excuse the “natural”. Sex is natural. Attraction is natural. Pleasure is natural. But love is everything but natural. It is supernatural. It defies all things and in ways makes absolutely no “sense”. The choice to commit to anything these days is a matter of will and character. To lay down one’s own life for another is the ultimate expression of love and universally rewarded. The problem is everyone has been slowly adapting to the ways of common societal values which happens to be progressively controlled by corporate agendas in favor of short turnovers and maximizes gains. And we see this strategy in relationships. But I digress. Choose love people. It’s never too late.

  7. Edilez DeVille May 4, 2014 at 6:56 am #

    I was married for 8 years to the date as it end it on my wedding anniversary, he also said he did not love me any more and did not want to be marry any more he said some really hurtful things I tried to talk to him ,and I’m shame to admit I beg him to give us one last chance to work things out (you see i thought it was my fault) I even suggested professional help whatever I was willing. you see he had cheat it on me about a year and half before , I forgive him , but it made me very insecure as a woman and we really didn’t work on it we ignore it like with that will fix anything but by the time he left me two days later yeah after saying we will work things out the night he drop the bomb on my first day of work he move out taking our dog and more important my son with him I came home to find that out.My parents were living 7 month of the year with us the rest they will be with my brother at the time they were with us and we need it to move out of the house in about a week or so I found myself with two parents to worry about my self and find where we were going to go with not credit no money and a new job i couldn’t come for a 2nd day because i was not emotionally capable at the time so my Dad said we should come to FL to my brothers house. It has been so difficult I cry every day I did not sleep at all 0 hours for about a week finally my body break and i get to sleep 4 hours since them at the time he ended things i was and still are in a depression the worst part is my son. You see i’m not his biological mother but I raise him i’m the only mom he has ever known but I have not legal rights to him against his father. Despite all that he hurt me and intellectually knowing i should hate him or stop loving him I found myself doing so despite everything we have kept the testing minimal we text regarding our son , so how can I move on and do the not contact as things like school health etc of my son I need to talk to him? Like my son visiting and so for it has been 9 month and I’m still having difficulty sleeping,and getting out of my depression I’m getting good at masking it in front of friends and family but i feel lost and sinking I still hurting so much that is Physically
    I have been sick more than I can recall. I do not believe in this so books Cd’s etc I think is just a business like any other if you really care about people you will have free real help for people like me that don’t have any money and struggling to even eat and have a roof under their head, with that being said maybe free letters help a little but they always gear to buy and buy the products.I don’t think you can stop loving or fall out of love if it was true love it is unconditional what i hope is that with time that love will change and i can stop hurting, and when it come to my son , well that will never stop hurting if you are a parent you know what I’m talking about it. Sorry and thanks.

  8. Ren June 22, 2014 at 11:11 am #

    So me and my exbroke up about 3 months after we got together but it felt like we were together for 3 years he would always talk about his exs. And he would get depressed randomly but I never complained or did anything wrong finally he said I made him depressed and I was shocked I tried so hard to comfort him and do what I could for him I shouldn’t have even been with him in the first place because he hated all my friends and wanted me all to himself. But I loved him so I stayed after he told me I made him depressed he left telling me he loved me I lost track of time after he left i thought it might have been 3 weeks or a month but then he came back telling me how much he missed me and all that he told me it had only been a week since he left so I think I was addicted to him but anyway I took him back and felt with his depression and everything but we didn’t get back together right then because he had a girlfriend and I had a boyfriend so after a little while he broke up with his boyfriend and my boyfriend broke up withme (I didn’t really care much I only got with him because he asked) he asked if I wanted to be with h and I told him I dud but at the same tine I didn’t because I was still afraid of him leaving me again he understood and we were pretty much fwbs for a month and a half one day he just suddenly asked me to be his girlfriend and I I’m still afraid of him leaving me and I told him this and he still understood then about 2 weeks later he asked me again and I told him yes but I was still unsure if he would leave me or not not even 5 days later he texted me saying that he wanted to leave and he was tired of being so depressed all the time and he told me to be happy I don’t know what to do now

  9. Chloe August 7, 2014 at 8:42 am #

    “Tell me again how you went from loving me to not loving me…”
    -Movie Quote

    From which movie was this quote from? Thanks. 🙂

  10. JERRY WAGONER September 24, 2014 at 12:56 pm #

    I have reviewed each an every one of your comments. Only to find I would Love to trade places with any of you. I met someone and tried like hell to convince her we we not meant to be.
    However. She’s more than stubborn. And twice as adamant about what she wants. Because she wants it all.
    Her jealousy is rampant. Her honesty is a twisted combination of what never really happened. Mixed in with she’s sure it did. All you have to add i part beer. i part xanex and mix vigorously with methamphetamine and woolah! You now have another heartbreaking episode of “Let’s DRAMA”that has no validity to it.
    I have been accused of many atrocious violations. None of which I am guilty. I have lost far more in almost for years because of my desire to prove my love for this woman than I care to mention. The most important of all has to be the emotional discontent she deemed necessary in order to get back at all those who never did love her. Through me. I have always been faithful. Never hurt her physically. always encouraged her to do what ever she might feel like doing.Watched over her in times of trouble.And always did what she asked without question.
    She on the other hand rewarded me by leaving me three times. All for delusional reasons. One time I never got any reason at all. The main reason I decided to throw in the towel is because she admitted she will never trust any man again. She has broken every agreement so far to date we have had. Refuses to marry me because her daughter has convinced her that she needs a millionaire.My sisters became allies in the slow , painful mission to destroy any good I possess by hacking into my emails and sending dozens of ludicrous emails they wrote themselves containing what appeared to be my address and my doing. Causing so much discontent I almost hung myself.
    Though she can’t bring herself to admit it. It has never been love she had for me. I was more like her servant. And although I must admit. I still love her. However I’m not foolish enough to believe she will ever come around. Especially since she has also been convinced I have only been hanging around for monetary reasons. And possible possessions she was left by her brother who has since deceased.
    That broke the straw on the camels back for me. So I cut it off.I will never be able to forgive her for all she has put me through for nothing. And I’m finding that there really was no sense in putting out any more energy towards such a one sided relationship. I’m appalled by her decision to believe all the lies. When I have and always will be honest. Her disrespect by never once coming to me before making all her decisions in haste. Hurts more than I care to mention.Yet I still care for her. And worry about her constantly. I feel like the biggest fool on the planet. And that’s something I will never forgive myself for.
    Between her so called love. My sisters. Her daughter and family? The have caused more damage and suffering than I hardly deserve. And truthfully the only reason I’m still here is because I have a Mother whom I have to care for. Since I’m all she has. I could never be that selfish.
    I wish the best to all of you out there whom I know are brokenhearted. Filled with discontent. And suffering. I really do know how it feels. Especially when you find out the other half of who you thought cared? Never really gave a damn at all.
    It’s more than cruel and unkind. It should be criminal. Because she really has killed whatever I used to be about.And replaced it with more emptiness and shame than I could ever describe. Took it all away without any sign of remorse. And still to this day wants me to believe she’s done nothing wrong.
    I never would have believed doing the right thing… could turn out so wrong. I just can’t believe for the life of me why it is I still love her. And I’m hating me so much.

    • KayGee December 11, 2014 at 6:39 am #

      I read your comment and can sympathize with your situation. I was married for 20years to a presciption drug addicted Narcissistic sociopath which is what you seem to be in love with. I divorced him because of mental and verbal abuse, but I find I still love him-the good parts of him anyway.. and I battle to not get involved with him and have to tell myself that everything he did was for his own selfish needs, that he knew how to get what he wanted from me by catering to my needs. I understand the love bombing that happens that is intoxicating and fills every internal need within. I understand the co-dependent dance that takes place at the emotional level as well as the physical. If you are anything like me, you are an emotional caretaker which is why you can’t let go because you feel sorry for her and know you can help her and improve her life and be there for every need which fullfills your needs. But the truth is that noone can help her but herself. Its not that she has done anything to you, you allow her to rent space in your head and allow her words and actions to activate your insecurities and trigger low self worth. I wonder if somewhere along the line growing up you associated love with suffering which is why you have accepted so much “drama” and stayed with this woman. I hope you can realize that you owe her nothing, that you deserve happiness and healthy relationships are about two whole people coming together sharing their wholeness with each other. not rescuing, saving, fixing, controlling, etc.

      • Jenn February 25, 2015 at 3:29 pm #

        I think the both of your experience best describe my situation as well. It’s so hard to break the codependency that’s resulted from being in a long-term and very deep relationship with someone with mental illness and/or instability. I almost feel like being exposed to “the drama” and heartbreaks of it, has caused me to have that same mental instability, even though I know deep down it is not me, and that leaving was the best and healthiest decision, no matter how painful and heart-wrenching it may feel.

  11. Ernie Allen September 25, 2014 at 5:09 am #

    That was one of the best colums of advice I have read in weeks, thanks so much, I needed that straight talk about falling out of love, especially when seeing your ex , have feelings for her as a stranger , thank you

  12. Broken-hearted Girl September 25, 2014 at 2:29 pm #

    Every bit of words you said here hit a nerve on my end. Specially, the part where you said “he started to separate himself emotionally from her a very long time ago.” That too I asked myself over and over how could my ex moved on too quickly. How could he forget 5 1/2 years that fast, in a matter of less than a month he had a girlfriend. Just a little back story, I was with my bf for 5 1/2 years he broke up with me the day of our 6 year anniversary. His reasons were vague he said he loves me and his afraid to let me go but he knows he doesn’t want to be in a relationship. He felt that I deprived for so many years of partying and just dating around. As a girl, I didnt exactly know how to react, I thought the break up was temporarily. We have broken up quite a few times, I think have done the lowest of the low just to win him back. And I thought I was doing everything right. I have asked him quite a few times if he was seeing anyone he always deny’s it just like in the past. Finally, the day comes and someone I knew who I was friends with him in fb, sent me a message and told me his in a relationship. It’s not even a month yet and his already with the girl he worked with. That was a big slap in my face 5 1/2 years down in th drain just like that. In my head, I was thinking what happened to the 90 day rule. Of course, being a typical broken-hearted person I sent him several nasty text. I thought, from that point on it was over. Then a week after he started texting me, telling me he made a mistake and he rushed things and that him and that girl will not last. To make the story short I went from being the gf to the other woman. I couldn’t tell anyone except for one friend because I was embarrassed by it. That affair lasted for almost a month ended before Valentine’s day of 2012. He told me that his going to make things right, to wait for him but if I can’t he will understand I deserve to be happy. I knew deep down inside that he was just using me and it got to stop. I wouldn’t lie and say I didn’t expect that he will choose us, because he didn’t. He choosed her and less than a year of their relationship he got the girl pregnant and got married. I’m not proud of my decisions then, but I was desperate I didn’t expect that he was going to move on that quickly. I was tempted to forward all the text message he has sent me to her, but I didn’t see the point of that. And I let it be. It’s been more than 2 years since the break up, and I feel as though that break up took a lot of stuff from me, specially TRUST. I can’t seem to trust no one I’m always on guard I can’t allow anybody in because I’m afraid to get hurt. Everyone keep telling me I need to allow myself to be open more so I could allow somebody in. But how? It’s been more than 2 years even though his married and have one kid, their’s still this side of me that is hoping that he will come back. But all of those are wishful thinking and I need to move on and allow myself to fall out of love for him. So I can allow myself to love again. And wishful thinking I hope the next time I love it’s the one.

  13. Cha October 10, 2014 at 3:18 am #

    Thank you Eddie for your work, very helpful and heartfelt articles. I read a few and will continue to read on, a bit later on as my delusion is strong and likely to carry on as I still want it to… Because what if there is a chance. I can hear it myself, tell myself, repeat it, and still I won’t let it go. The pain of the guilt, regrets and remorse, all fuel the refusal to accept reality, also because all that time that was what I was already doing. Fears turn desperate tentative to control everything and the other, leading to a total delusion, experiencing reality through a distorted glass. I cannot accept it because I am the reason it broke. I put all my energy into it. Battling other issues took their toll on him and the relationship. It is (I still think ‘maybe’) too late when I realise and finally turn 180 degrees to care for him, the relationship, and myself. If I was to understand, let it go, move on, it could only be with the strength to believe that another perfect one will come to love and be loved. But as I wasted life’s gift being careless & reckless with it, it shouldn’t but give me another chance. He was the one and I made him go. I can’t recover from that. To forget. That’s what I tried to do in a preceding delusional phase when he may have still love me but I didn’t understand that. But I couldn’t forget, and repress my emotions, that came all back and gave way to this new, excruciating phase where I realise I have lost him. And refuse to believe it. Back to the start of my comment…
    Kudos Eddie. It’s sure a hard job you do, fighting people’s delusion.

  14. Fragmented Heart October 28, 2014 at 6:00 pm #

    My relationship of nearly 14 years abruptly ended on September 1st of this year. He already had someone else. They are already “in love” and speaking of marriage. My entire soul is crushed! Life is like a giant puzzle. Loved ones help complete the picture of your life. My puzzle pieces are a bit jagged – like they’ve been glued together yet ripped apart by some unseen force. I’m slowly working on completing my picture but I’m afraid there is an incomplete spot now…A piece that was broken away- shredded. I could do what others do- and try and force another piece to fit in that spot…but it doesn’t work like that…… I am only 30 and I have found and lost my other half- willingly let him walk away…because that’s what he wants.

  15. Ava November 1, 2014 at 8:37 pm #

    I have been having an unstable relationship for a year now. My boyfriend and I are in the Same class. He’s a gr8 guy, he’s caring and sensible. But he doesn’t seem to take me seriously. In the beginning we were happy but later I observed he would spend a lot of time with his friends and random people. He wouldn’t be the first to text at night or in the morning . I would start fighting and he would only say he loves me but wouldn’t answer any of my question regarding his behavior . So far I have told him I was breaking up like a hundred times but it was impossible as we would see each other everyday . I want to stop loving him but he’s too good

  16. Mark November 13, 2014 at 5:10 pm #

    My ex (dumper) is the one that wouldn’t let go. The more he tried to keep in contact and invite me to dinner, lunch, breakfast, church, etc., the harder it became for me to move on. He did all this while seeing someone else, unbeknownst to me. It’s been almost a year now and I’m healing well. I had to move out of the country in order to get my life back together. The email has finally stopped and I’m feeling better. Thank goodness I never found myself begging and pleading in the beginning. I’m so proud I was able to keep my dignity intact. This has certainly been one of the hardest things I’ve ever been through including harder than the death of my parents. Nonetheless, I hope these kind of people get repaid in some way. I don’t know if I believe in karma, but feel it’s an injustice that someone would drag out a relationship by pretending that they care over months just to prepare for the one day that they are ready to throw the other person in the trash. It’s amazing. People say to me that these experiences teach us lessons. I don’t know if I really learned anything about myself, but I’ve certainly question the validity of “love” and “trust” in people in general. Like I told my ex. I got myself into this mess and I’m going to get myself out of it. Good luck to all those people hurting right now. It’s so hard to heal and move on.

  17. Jennifer November 20, 2014 at 4:39 pm #

    I just went through the emotional rollercoaster break up, back together dance. He was seeing someone else for 6 months. We broke up 2 months ago and he said he was only with her during break. Well, face book says differently. He lied about the length of time. He broke up with her this last time and 2 weeks later she calls him crying saying she cant move on…blah blah blah. So what does he do….he leaves my house with no car, walking somewhere to be with her. I told him if you walk out that door don’t ever come back. He left. That’s the end. It hurts and I miss what we had before his affair but I would never trust him again. Its not worth my time. Now to move on….

  18. Stephanie December 1, 2014 at 12:53 am #

    Thanks for this post. I just recently suffered my bf breaking up with me and I was so confused on what to do and I came across this and I suddenly felt like I didn’t need to wait or anything. Seriously I automatically felt no depression from the break up and the 3 miraculous things are really a miracle. The minute I read independence it clicked and I was over him… Maybe not completely but I’m sure out of the woods. So thanks!!!

  19. Daniel December 9, 2014 at 2:19 pm #

    I believe I truly, deeply love my ex wife. She threw me out of the house and threatened to call the police on me in front of our 7 yr old son. By the time the divorce was finalized we’d been married 14yrs. Actually, we got divorced the day before what would have been our 14th anniversary. I cried for hours. I started dating soon after simply because I had known these women for a long time and they told me how good I was and helped me through a phase that included a few thoughts of suicide. I’d lost my wife and son , my home which used to my grandparents before they died and I’d lost my job one week after being kicked out. So, I thought we had no chance of reconciling. She found out and got very angry yet she gave up on the physical part of our marriage years ago. I stood by her through her cancer, depression, and severe anxiety attacks but apparently because of my issues with keeping jobs she no longer loved me because she said she couldn’t trust me. So, anyway, she filed for divorce then got so angry that I was having physical relationships with other women and started insulting me and the women I was seeing. I started dating someone monogamously after a few months and she continued to be nasty and unwilling to be nice. She continued to struggle with depression and even through this I helped her through it. I was attempting to move on so I told her to try and other websites because she stated that she would never find anyone. She did meet some guy on match and after their first date she said she fell in love with him. Now, even though I am seeing someone, I am having a real hard time with it. I have a feeling she has been intimate with him and I guess the fact that she stopped being intimate with me so long ago hurts. She said I basically raped her when we were dating which is unbelievably hurtful and she acts as though she could care less if I died. This is the part that hurts the most. I have no choice but to see her at least twice a week due to custody of our son. Every time I see her I digress. I don’t want to care for her but I have been getting angry and crying over her and it is beginning to affect my current relationship. She’s trying to understand because she went through similar stuff with her ex husband but her process started before we met and she had time to sort things out before starting a relationship. How do I stop caring because I hadn’t had ” rose colored” glasses on for a long long time. I loved her in spite of her issues. I don’t want to hurt. Can anyone tell me how?

  20. Jill December 18, 2014 at 7:01 am #

    The No Contact Rule is crucial. Allowing myself to process the pain and accepting its over helps because it puts finality to it, instead of subconsciously wondering if maybe he may come back and maybe I made a mistake in walking away. If you are honest with yourself, you probably felt and knew a long time ago that your needs were not being met, than why settle for crumbs. When you realize that staying in the relationship hurts more than walking away your are in a better position to not contact the ex. Disrespect is definitely a deal breaker. For example he called me a bitch. The hardest part for me has been to forgive myself for waiting too long to accept that we did not work and that he did not love me. Work on you and doing things you stop doing because being with your ex did not allow you the time or he/she did not want to do certain things that you would have enjoyed doing with company.

  21. nat January 5, 2015 at 7:17 am #

    I was dating my ex girlfriend a little over a year. We had fights like crazy. Well I broke up with her to see if she’d try to get me back, which she didn’t. I knew she never loved me cause the way she would always put her friends first than me and etc. She told me that she doesn’t love me any more. When contrary she’d show me affection right after I broke up with her and even when she told me she doesn’t love me any more. How could that be love in the first place?

  22. map January 10, 2015 at 2:06 am #

    thank you for sharing this article.. it helps me a lot..

  23. ZPR March 12, 2015 at 8:12 am #

    I read a lot of comments and hear a lot of people’s experiences, and many of them say something along the lines of, “I asked God to take me.” I did not think much about that statement, other than the understanding that the pain was so great that the desire to live left them. I went through a 6 year saga that included the most intense love I have ever felt; after 2 and half years, it was tainted by the fact she cheated on me and then broke up with me all in the same day. The high from our love was so great though, that I continued to stay in contact with her and have a really weird pseudo relationship, wherein we would see each other and it would be like we were dating, but then while we were apart it was like I did not exist. This limbo state of emotional torment lasted for 3 years (I know, what the heck was I thinking – blinded by love). Finally, she opened up and told me how badly she had messed up, how sorry she was for putting me through all that she had, and that she had realized that I was the one for her. We decided to take another shot at a serious relationship, so I moved out to the city she was in, leaving all of my friends behind and a life I had created for myself despite the suffering emotionally she had been putting me through, just for the shot at getting back that feeling we once had. 6 months after moving to the city, she broke up with me, saying she didn’t know why, I was great; she loved me, bla bla bla. Basically, not providing me with any sort of why. We all know that the “why” the key to healing and moving on. Without it, we are stuck in a weird place where we cannot figure out why the love just stopped being enough, and it makes it nearly impossible to move on. This is where the incredible pain and suffering come in. We have no way to move passed what we had, because without knowing how to change and grow from it, we have no way of ensuring something better waits for us; this is also where people use the phrase mentioned above, and lose the will to live. I am typing this right now as someone who, just a few days ago, was overwhelmed with tears of sadness because of some stupid songs that were playing that reminded me of her; but as of this very moment, I am completely free of that suffering and I have an incredible feeling of freedom, purpose, and possibility! I am not a religious person by ANY means, but the one thing I did do differently in this time of suffering, was not praying to God to take me away, but rather praying to God to help me overcome the pain and see the bigger picture. Essentially, my statement to God was, “Please help me, I do not know what to do.” Every night for the past month this was my request, as I lay in bed depressed and suffering; and finally, something happened. I do not know if this is what a vision is, but I was lying in bed and for some reason I could not fall asleep. I just lay there, turning things over in my head like so many nights before. Except on this night, an image popped into my head. The image was of my ex-girlfriend and me in a rectangle box, symbolizing our life together. There were a lot of good things in that rectangle box but, all of a sudden, I exploded out of the top of the rectangle into a bright light. All around me was the most incredible view you could ever imagine. I flew up higher and higher until I opened my eyes and sat up in my bed. All of my prayers asking for help to overcome my pain and suffering had been answered in one simple image. I am going to find something SO much better than what I had before and I am destined for GREATER things. Being able to accept that you HAD a great relationship or that you HAD an incredible feeling with someone that has made you grow into a better more complete person is the understanding that flooded into my brain, washing over all of the negative thoughts. I was overwhelmed by a fierce certainty that I was destined for greater things. This experience has opened my eyes and in the course of a few seconds has completely changed my outlook on my situation and my life. I do not know if this strategy works for everyone, but by just changing my statement to God and asking for help rather than to be taken lead me to this moment. I hope everyone reading this at least gives it a try. I wish you all the best.

    • Rob April 30, 2015 at 3:09 am #

      Wow. What a powerful image! I truly appreciate you sharing this! I am still kinda stuck in the “just take me stage”. At least I have some better days lately, but I fall backwards and get really mad on others. It’s been 3 months since the break up and it was only due to circumstantial reasons which is agonizing! I haven’t been able to be mad at her because she is pursuing her dreams in life and how can you begrudge somebody of that, so my anger has turned to God. I have had a series of bad breakups over the years, all of which have left me scarred and jaded and always getting angry God put these people in my life just to rip them away from me! It’s like He just likes messing with me! Anyway, I think I will try to change my nightly wish to what you did. I can’t stand this pain and anger anymore and need to feel that relief and hope! Thank you again for your post! I hope it changes my life!

  24. MaryLee April 15, 2015 at 9:55 pm #

    I don’t think that you can actually decide to fall out of love. When we love someone for what they bring to the table it is not love. Love is kind and forgiving. It is there even if we know all the downsides of our ex or the situation.

    I maybe the only one here but I find some of the advice here cynical. When you love someone you just love them. You fall out of love when the energy expires and this happens only with time, drop by drop. In the meantime all you can do is learn how to minimize the pain and how to function. Channel your pain into something productive. Help someone. Volunteer. It takes a lot of effort and dedication but that’s all we can do when someone we love leaves us.

    Things become more difficult if they love you too and you simply can’t be together. Things become much more painful if they are mean to you after the breakup and try to invalidate all your feelings and even your memories.

    The no-contact rule is not a good thing if you want to get together and if there is chance of a reunion. I can’t believe everyone is buying into it. When someone signals to you that they do not need us, that they do not miss us, when they do not want to be with us, that they do not want to see us, when they are not showing us any signs of love, then we would think they don’t and didn’t love us at all. Telling them you are fine without them to fake and pretend that you are confident is pathetically immature and will only result in them being hurt in the wrong way, it would invalidate their feelings for you. If they wanted to get back with you and were afraid of bringing it up for this or that reason, telling them you are perfectly fine without them will prevent this from ever happening. I read some of the comments on the other website also written by the same author, one poor chap did just that. He called his ex and in their conversation mentioned that he is totally fine and already seeing someone else. His ex hung up on him and stopped returning his calls, and he has been suffering for months and months after that. Poor fool, do not take advice or take steps that go against normal human feelings. Violating human nature, however weak or imperfect, will lead to your own misery. Showing vulnerabilities and feelings is not humiliation, it it not being needy, it is needing to love and experiencing love, it is normal human behaviour. If someone still loves you, and if there is a chance for the two of you to get back together, they will respond to you loving them rather than you demonstrating neglect. This does not mean you need to lose your dignity and beg, of course not, but if you do not show the other person your true feelings, however you want to do that, they might never know that you still love them. And all this nonsense with starting a new relationship with you ex if you want to get back together, completely new. As if. You can’t just un-remember all the past. The new relationship will never be new, it will be different, based on the past, but there is no need to fake that it is completely new. If the two people love each other and genuinely want to make things work, they need to speak open-heatedly and honestly to each other, which yes, means exposing yourself and being vulnerable, but that’s what it would take to restore a relationship and not all those pathetic no-contact fake confidence games.

    The only valuable info I saw in this article in terms of helping you get over someone was concentrating on why you broke up in the first place and whether the pain of a breakup is worse than the pain of being in that relationship (assuming you didn’t want to be there).

  25. Diane April 23, 2015 at 6:07 am #

    Umm, help!! 😢 It’s only been a day and a half since I was dumped. Tossed. Discarded. My situation was different from the rest mentioned here. Not different in a way I can really talk about, and it’s something that never should’ve happened. I was foolish, just plain stupid, but I went into it with eyes wide open and never looked back. I was also extremely vulnerable when the relationship began, as a “harmless” Facebook flirtation, over two years ago. The signs that I was dealing with someone who was very self-involved, emotionally unavailable to a great degree, and looking for validation due to a burgeoning, soon-to-be-epic midlife crisis, were all there. I chose to ignore or overlook these red flags time and time again, because in three month’s time I was already head over heels in love. What I found out too late was that my ex is a manipulator of the highest order. So good that I didn’t realize how badly I was being manipulated until about six months ago. And I notice things. I tend to be hyper aware at all times — but not this time. Long story short, my ex tried to end the relationship several times in the past, and so did I. I’ve been ending it in my mind since New Years Eve of 2013. I almost succeeded then, but my ex decided to message me on Facebook, and that’s all it took for my resolve to crumble. Let me add that this was a long-distance relationship, which didn’t make it any easier. We’ve only been together five times in almost two years. Needless to say, this made our relationship incredibly intense and passionate, on every level. It also meant, for me at least, overwhelming sadness and a long recovery every time we had to say ‘goodbye’. I sensed early on that I was hurting after our time together far more than my ex, but attributed that to the depression and my unfortunate hypersensitivity. And I didn’t want to think my ex didn’t or couldn’t feel the same as I did. I mean, I have too many issues already; I didn’t want to add paranoia to the list, right? Excuses, excuses.

    Let me add that because of my health problems and financial limitations, among other things, I have a pretty negative disposition and outlook. I never lied about that or sugar-coated anything. My ex is the complete opposite, so much so that it bordered on downright irritating at times. I suppose that’s one of the reasons my ex was so attractive to me. That whole looking for the light in someone other than self, although it was an entirely unconscious thing. I didn’t know that light would burn me so badly. I didn’t know it would’ve been better to have avoided that light at all costs. I didn’t know what I was getting into until I was so in love that I would, and did, tolerate almost anything.

    So, skipping over the verbal and emotional roller coaster we were on almost from the very beginning, I was very coldly and unceremoniously dumped on Tuesday afternoon. Now, I’d been intentionally behaving in such a way that I hoped, or thought I hoped, would send the message that I’d had enough, I wanted it over, and had wanted it over for some time. Even though it was me who went crawling back every time there was a chance it could be over. Even though I swore to myself that I was finally going to say all the things I’d been holding inside for so long. I would tell it like it is, leave the ex destroyed with those words, no more allowing them to live in denial bordering on delusion, etc. But I knew, always knew, that when the end came for real, it wouldn’t be me ending it; I would be the one who was destroyed.

    The ‘why’ in my case? Because I’m too negative, too contrary, too difficult. Too much of a problem. Never mind the 1,001 things I did and said to express my love, with little reciprocation unless they wanted something, or unless they had to tell me something that they knew was going to cause me to want to end it. Back when they didn’t want to end it, that is. The more loving and…romantic? I was, the more distant the ex would get. If I became quiet and distant, if it was obvious I was upset or mad about something, that’s when I’d get a halfhearted romantic gesture. I was told that being romantic wasn’t in their nature, and I came to believe that, but in the end, it was my fault. All my fault.

    I am so broken. I’ve already cried so much that my eyes were almost swollen shut, and they ache so badly. And the crying isn’t over by a long shot. But I did get through the day without texting or calling. Barely, but I made it. I’ve known about the no contact rule for a while, and since my ex is clearly having no problem not contacting me, I’ll be damned if I’m going to cede one more shred of whatever dignity I have left and give in again. I know this has to be treated as an addiction, and it was an addiction, no question. The brain and body will do anything to get the fix they need so desperately, and I started preparing myself for this right after the awful last phone call yesterday.

    I’m very lucky to have found Eddie’s site when I searched ‘How to Get Over a Breakup’, and even luckier to be able to share this most painful heartbreak with others who’ve been there, sadly, and understand and support one another. I’m truly sorry that anyone other than those who’ve caused this kind of pain have to go through this.

    For now, it’s late and the demons will return again, I know. I’ll likely cry myself to sleep again tonight, and many more nights for quite some time. The last time I was dumped, and that was a long time ago, it took me about seven months to finally get over it, but it happened all in one day and it was such a wonderful feeling to be free. I hope I can make it happen even faster this time. I hope we all can.

  26. heart broken.... May 24, 2015 at 5:00 pm #

    My now ex and I was together for a yr and 8 months…some good some bad but I love and care about him a lot..well a month ago he was talking crazy to me so I said ima pull away for a min and let him get his self together because I could no longer take the mood swings…we were still talking and texting every day…saying I love u and I miss u, goodmorning and goodnight everyday…so 6 days agonize found out that he slept with a another woman during this month of getting himself together…the fling lasted about 5 days then she moved to another state….I’m so hurt and heartbroken because I never would’ve ever thought that he was having sex with someone else…I’m crushed..but I feel stupid because a part of Me still wants him..I feel I’ve done too much for him and I don’t deserve nothing like that…but I’m also wondering why every relationship I get in I’m always getting hurt..I keep picturing then having sex and it just keep breaking me down…what should I do..Somebody Please Help Me

  27. Susan PArr July 15, 2015 at 3:48 pm #

    After 22 years of marriage I found out my husband has been unfaithful, when i asked him about it he left and has been with her eversince, As you say I never saw it coming, but in the last 6 months I now see a few things that I should have spotted, there was a 10yr age gap between us , me being the older .
    we have 2 kids and I have found it very hard to let go, he was my soul mate for all thoes years and I miss his company so so much, He has let go completley , maybe he had a few years ago, but never said until he left , he told me he had not loved me for 2 years, but never had the guts to leave, that hurt alot.

    He see’s our youngest who is 15 twice a week and I try not to go to the door, but we have had things to sort out and I have had to discuss things with him, I still wonder why, as he has never really told me , just says he loves me but is not “in love with me” , he wants to be friends, but I just cannot , dont think I ever will be able to .

    Its hard as I have been treat by my mother in law as a daughter and we still go out and speek everyday, she has been my rock through the last year , but he is also his son , and I have to respect that.

    Just want the hurt to go away and for me to let go completly

  28. AJ July 17, 2015 at 9:55 am #

    Just broke up with my seven year boyfriend. I am spiraling out of control, going from extremely positive to flat out hopelessly depressed.

    I’ve read tons of articles about getting over my ex in the past three weeks that we’ve broken up. Heard all the mantra about being okay with yourself and standing on your own two feet. I know that most of what’s written is right but that doesn’t seem to be making me stop loving him.

    I read your article and the cut throat attitude and logic might be my best bet to get over my ex.

    Please help.

  29. Roselyne August 2, 2015 at 5:39 pm #

    I have tried for the last one year to fall out of love with my Ex boyfriend and move one but it seems, so impossible for me,

    what makes it so difficult is when am almost moving on he comes back in my life and i fall again in love and before i can realise am Brocken, it had happened three times now and I really want to do it now.

    I feel stupid i loved him to the point of repeatedly allowing him hurt me.
    Thank you for publishing this article

  30. Kylie August 4, 2015 at 6:21 am #

    My boyfriend of almost 2 years left me 3 days ago. We had a argument and I left the house to calm down (we lived together) and when i came back he was gone. I begged him to come home but all he kept saying was ‘when is a good time to get my things’ i went to his mum and dads to talk to him and he told me he doesnt love me anymore and he hasnt for about a week. It hurts because he told me he never loved anyone the way he loved me and the night before he broke up with me he was talking about moving into another house together and how i will never have to be without him. He lied to me and told me each day and night he loved me. I am so hurt i messaged him telling him how hurt i am and he told me to give up and move on. He is already using hook up sites not even a week later. I have had to take a week off work, i cant eat, and i cant bare to leave the house. The pain is unbareable and i just want it to end.

  31. sam August 10, 2015 at 7:51 am #

    how do you sleep at night thinking about them? i think I’m fine threw out the day because i occupied my self with work and other activities but as soon as i get home it hits me specially when i get in to the bedroom and see our bed that we shared. it kills me inside knowing that she left me.

  32. Patricia August 12, 2015 at 2:32 am #

    What´s even better then the article (in itself good) are all these comments, people opening out, others calming them down and sending warmth. I feel like in group therapy somehow.

    It has been only 10 days since my break up, but it feels much, much longer. God knows we had been breaking up with each other by withdrawing internally and physically for months before that. However we lived together, and it being my first live-in relationship, it has been incredible how noticable the lack of another´s voice is, of their daily chatter and presence…I almost even miss the arguments because they discharged some kind of passion. Overall, I miss him incredibly much, though I am the one that was more adamant about finally ending it.

    There are millions of reasons why we broke up. There are almost as many reasons to try to stay together. But in the end, I want us so much to be happy. Him and me separately happy, because now I see that we need different things, interpret life differently, want a different future. I dont see him in my future, this is true. But I feel as if I was seeing him now, before my eyes….and it´s like this every day. The only comfort I have is prayer and the feeling that it´s as tough for him as for me, but that nonetheless he understands why we had to end it. And also self-love, and exercise and respect for my mental and physical health are what keeps me going and living. And maybe, though Im not sure about this, it´s also the desperate wish NOT to stop loving, not to let my heart turn into a stone. I love him, but I needed more than he could give. I loved him, but imperfectly and our differences were insurmountable. Now I just need to accept this.

  33. Alice September 14, 2015 at 4:55 pm #

    My partner of 9 years and husband of 3 years left me 4 months ago. Luckily we are only 33 and have no children – though we were going to start trying this year. At the time it felt out of the blue but looking at it with the benefit of hindsight there were so many clues there. He said all the right things and straight after the bomb drop I found myself scrawling through texts where he would say ‘Love you’ or a voicemail from the week he left saying how much he loved me and couldn’t wait to get home to see me. He said all the right things but his actions were of a man checked out. He told me he had started to fall out of love with me 6months before he left, he was too scared to say anything as he didn’t want to upset me but by the time he eventually plucked up the courage he was already over it. We spent 2months in a kind of limbo not talking and having a semi (logistics about home / bills meant we had to talk) no contact separation. I wasn’t clingy or begging him back, I tried to have an adult conversation with him but he would just keep repeating all the things I had done wrong, crying and telling me how bad his situation was as he is now having to live with his family until he can find a place. This is not the man I married. I was feeling better about things: started seeing a therapist immediately, signed up to a great evening course that will help me change career path, have lost loads of weight so am looking better than ever before and I have been asked out a lot over the last few months (declined them all). I felt like things were getting on track then last week my ex emailed telling me he has filed for divorce and he has put all the bills etc in my name, so we no longer need to speak anymore. Since then he has become really active on social media – he can’t sneeze without commenting or putting up a picture. He is out every night, he’s lost weight, he looks good, he looks like a new man, smiling, happy, new clothes and out with friends drinking… Where as since he told me about the divorce I have been unable to sleep, I look like rubbish and I just can’t stop crying. Its hit me out of nowhere. I was honestly feeling very stable about things and how it was best for both of us to have a clean split whilst we are still young and can move on with out lives. I can meet someone who does love and want to be with me… but now I feel worse than ever. People mentioned that I’ve almost been coping ‘too well’ over the last few months and I just thought that was because things weren’t great with my ex so maybe a part of me had already checked out also. But this crying at the smallest thing, no sleep, obsessed with his social media… Its new. Is it just going to keep getting worse? All I want to do is curl up and cry. I think my friends & family are officially sick of me repeating the same things over and over…. I just don’t know how to work through this. I don’t miss him per se, I miss the security of the relationship and what he represented. But now I’ve been burnt so badly I don’t know how I will ever trust again. I should also mention that my ex has had an awful year prior to the breakup with a close family member (a child) being diagnosed with terminal cancer: they don’t expect them to last the year so I am aware that this may have had an impact on things. I just don’t know how to cope anymore. I can’t look after my ex anymore so now i’m just left with this empty feeling and pain.

  34. Shell January 20, 2016 at 2:39 pm #

    Hi everyone, like most of you here I’m also dealing with a breakup. I won’t go into my story for this post as I just want to let you all know that I know it isn’t easy. Some days you just feel like you can’t breathe.

    Other days, you just think it is a nightmare that you want to quickly wake up from.

    We all love with all our heart, mind, body and soul. When we love the person, it often seems like it would be forever and that no one or nothing could break that.

    Well, that is true. But not everyone is capable of doing that. And the fact that you can do it only means that when you get with someone who can do it too, you’d have what we call “eternal love”.

    Have you ever wondered why some people survive even when the odds are against them? Think about cases where someone is diagnosed with some illness that doctors all give up on him or her.

    But for some reason, they survived. They beat the odds and recovered fully.

    Then there are others who don’t fight for their lives or simply cave in.

    Is there anything that you can do for them? Maybe. Is there a guarantee that you can help them? Probably not.

    So when people choose to give up and not work on fixing things, that’s essentially what they are. Maybe even that’s who they are.

    Like most of you, I want to believe that I was in love with someone of substance, someone special, someone whom I built dreams with.

    But if they are the type to give up, they will continue to do so for their next relationship or other aspects of their lives.

    And there’s not much you can do for them except to wish them the best, because you love or loved them.

  35. Carol March 24, 2016 at 4:55 am #

    My ex broke up with me, after 4 years together, and deep down I’m still in love with him. That was 7 years ago. Meanwhile, I’ve been dating someone new for 6 years, we got married last year. And yet, I still think and dream about my ex.

    I’m in the middle of a very strong love relapse for him right now. It makes me feel very disconnected from my husband, and I keep daydreaming about the ex. Wish I knew how to let him go for good, but I feel I’ll never will.

  36. Lynn September 24, 2016 at 2:51 am #

    Hi all… I know this comment comes a bit late but jeez do we all have it rough. I ended a 7year relationship just two weeks ago. He cheated and I stayed. We tried to make it work but the trust was not there and by God it was getting unhealthy. All I can think about is him, he made it clear that he intends on moving on whilst I’m stuck on a glimmer of hope…. Guys it agony. I can’t sleep and I can’t seem to stomach anything anymore. I took a week long trip to try and get him out of my system but my heart knows what it wants but my mind won’t allow me to settle. The honeymoon stage ended long ago but we both wanted and needed each other so badly it hurt. When I found out what he did it came as the biggest shock of my life since we had just celebrated our 6years together. For the fact that even after I forgave him he was confused as to if he wanted me or not should have pushed me to make the decision earlier but I took him back and ended up hurting myself even more. I lost my best friend in the process. I’m losing myself to grief and I’m not sure how do I truimph after this. The truth is even though it’s over and even though I feel like there isn’t anything anyone can do or say to change the fundamental fact that I Am Still Inlove with him. I want to stop because I can’t breath and live with that anymore. I love him and I don’t know how to stop . I need help I just can’t take it anymore

  37. Minuki September 30, 2016 at 2:10 am #

    I was the one who left him due to the fact that we doesn’t match. Now because of the sorrow he has left home. His friends are telling me to bring him back home. But I not supposed to care right? But the truth is I care. I care a hell lot. What am i supposed to do?

  38. Coady October 16, 2016 at 11:06 pm #

    Hello, my ex from April 2014 to November 2015 recently broke up with me. It all started in erlie spring of 2014 . I had just became homless once again as I was since I was 15 on and off. At the time i was on warrent for a serious charge looking at quite some time .But this time I was told about a unique shelter called nova. ( ran threw the john Howard society) their I met this beautiful girl named tannis . we instantly clicked and I had seen in her eyes that her and I could relate our struggles with family but not only that feel nothing but ever ending happiness . couple months later I was locked away for my asault charge. The whole time I was in jail I was calling her and talking to her it helped me so much to know I had her to call and that I’d be happy when I was out. 7 1/2 months later I was out and she was mine again . from there I was back at nova and working on steps to have our own place. We got our place December just b4 Christmas was the best Christmas ever following into the best new years ever . we were both working and living alone and taking selfies and laughing and filled with love . this was the start of our new lives and new family. Then a friend stayed over and long story short he flooded our place by accident. From there we stuck it threw it was extremely hard but together we new we were stronger . august of 2015 we got in a fight she threatened to leave me . I was insecure and started to message other girls talking sexual and left the messages open as she found them . she was gunna leave me I stressed how I wouldn’t ever hurt her and how I was just insecure and shouldn’t of never done it so she stayed then she had threatened to leave again after another fight so I felt the need to keep talking to other girls . I loved tannis with everything in me and wanted nothing but to be happy with her and I seen it in her eyes as well. Late November tannis had been acting different that day wouldn’t say much was texting lots then out of the blue packed a small bag said shed be back in the am. I looked at her with a sure look that she wouldn’t be but instead of fighting more I said OK love you … And nothing was said back then I new from there I was dumped buy text. February of 2016 came tannis messaged me I returned it and she wanted me to meet her downtown erlie that morning so I did . only to find out she wanted to continue seeing me . I was fibaly happy again the emptyness was gone a month later looked to realize the tampons were not their questions were running three my head. So I asked….. My response was oh its none of ur business so I was rude and wanted to know so I snooped her phone to see it was some on else’s in fact someone who was less better looking less caring about her then I am and had been the one to knock her up . weeks past by we were still together but not dateing ad that was her choice not mine mine was just to be with her cuz it kept me happy . erlie April the day we met back in 2914 but now 2016 I walked out on her. But she must have known it was her fault bcs July a few days after her bday I got a message it was her again I new the circumstances but my love for her was and still is strong I took her back and she came to see me . then once again she stopped for a month or so then last time I seen her was august 2016 little over two months ago I looked to see she was messaging her baby daddy but not only just messaging…… So I did what I new the outcome would be and messaged him and when she left I told her threw text I told him she got mad and I haven’t seen her since . I talked at the beginning of the month on fb with her convo got rude and I’ve been blocked since. In that whole time she was pregnant I was with her threw most of it as he was not nor gave a shit clearly but she was and still is blind of it. She’s had the baby recently I’ve Hurd threw her mom and he wasn’t even there for her while she was giving birth as I would have been mine or not I love her to much to let her be threw that alone and it being her first kid and all. I don’t know what to do. I love this girl with all my heart. What I think happens is she never ment to leave she fucked up got pregnant and due to that and how I tried to express my feelings pushing personal boundries pushed her feelings away even more. I’m lost and hurt not knowing what to do if I get a message from my 1st committed longest and real relationship I had ever been to in . I’m 22 years old people say I’m young yes but that won’t change the fact she was and still is the girl I want to spend the rest if my life with ….. This tears me knowing she’s lost feelings her baby don’t want her but she don’t want me and knowing shell be looking for someone soon and if she doesn’t find someone I know I’ll be the one she messages but will it be for real this time I know her having a baby that isn’t mine won’t change my love for her but with it change hers for me will we ever be able to find that connection we once had :,(

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