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How To Fall Out Of Love With Your Ex… If Possible

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“Tell me again how you went from loving me to not loving me…”
-Movie Quote

When we experience a devastating loss through a break-up or divorce, sooner or later we will ask ourselves two specific questions:

  1. How could s/he stop loving me so suddenly?
  2. How can I fall out of love, so that I won’t have to endure this terrible emotional roller-coaster?

In the next few paragraphs, I will give you some answers and food for thought to these fundamental questions – and I will show you how you can use this knowledge to get over your own break-up faster. (Along with some additional philosophical lines demonstrating why love isn’t eternal).

So please read on.

Contents:
The Definition Of Falling Out Of Love
Reasons Why People Fall Out Of Love
The Reason Why Exes Move On So Fast
How Can You Fall Out Of Love The Fastest Way Possible
Isn’t Love Supposed To Be Eternal?

I had a client once – let’s call her Jennifer – who came to me a few weeks after her husband left her unexpectedly. They had been on a wonderful vacation together to Hawaii and at the very hour of their return home, he broke the news to her.

That day she felt as if someone had beamed her up into another reality. The very fact that this happened so suddenly made her break down completely.

What happened? And more over, why had he left her just after they had such a wonderful time together?

“No one falls in love by choice, it is by chance. No one stays in love by chance, it is by work. And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by choice”
-Unknown

The Definition Of Falling Out Of Love

Falling out of love is simply the opposite of falling into love – it’s ceasing to love someone. It’s an artificial phrase to describe an inexplicable circumstance.

An absence of love once present.

Which of course throws up even more questions, like when exactly does falling out of love happen? Is it a process, or does it happen from one moment to another?

Were those people ever IN love when the are able to fall OUT of love?

And most importantly – and here’s the romantic soul in me speaking – isn’t love supposed to last forever?

These are all great questions, all of which Jennifer had asked herself already while she was ranting to me about this man formerly known as her husband.

But before we can get to the bottom of this problem, we need to take a step back and acknowledge that most of us don’t do things without a reason. There’s always a core motivation to our every action.

My experience with people is that we all have two core motivations to do something:

It’s either to seek pleasure or to avoid pain (it’s an ancient cave-man, brain-wiring thing).

So which one was it for Jennifer’s husband?

Reasons Why People Fall Out Of Love

The number one reason people fall out of love – let’s assume for a moment that this oxymoron is possible – is due to incompatibilities.

When we start a new relationship, everything seems to be perfect. We see the world through rose-colored glasses and the whole world is love, peace and harmony.

Your partner doesn’t have ANY flaws whatsoever, you both are a perfect match to each other, and there’s not a single thing in the world you can think of why you shouldn’t be together forever.

Love is a powerful mind-bending drug.

I’m not writing this out of sarcasm, in fact I’m a big fan of love. And because I’m such a fan and maven of love, I know that it comes in different facets.

MORE: How I Found The Definition Of True Love

True love exists. It is what remains even when the fascination of the new fades out, and we suddenly and shockingly realize that our partner is all but perfect.

But at this point, when all of these flaws and shortcomings arise, many start to feel that this is not at all what they’ve signed up for.

Suddenly everything starts to become difficult and hard work.

That’s why so many bail.

It’s simply too arduous. And we don’t want that.

Not when there’s another potential candidate waiting in line ready to give us the love-drug again that we so dearly miss.

We want simple.

Again, I’m not being sarcastic, I’m simply calling the ugly thing by its name.

This is the main reason people fall out of love – simply because they realize it’s not at all what they wanted.

Can you prevent that from happening?

Well, for one, you can always be who you really are and you can be completely honest about what you are expecting from your partner.

Idealization at the beginning of a relationship is ok to some degree, but you should always know your needs and see them being met.

Am I saying that it’s your fault that your partner left?

No.

I’m just saying that a relationship is an equilibrium of the wants and needs of two people, of seeking pleasure and avoiding pain. And if that equilibrium gets out of balance, well then my friends, conflicts will occur.

Whose fault is that?

Exactly. No ones.

The Reason Why Exes Move On So Fast

The reasons why Jennifer’s husband was able to move on so fast, and why the break-up was perceived as “out of the blue” by Jennifer, was due to the fact that he started to separate himself emotionally from her a very long time ago.

He felt that the connection was lost and that his personal needs weren’t fulfilled, so he decided – consciously or unconsciously – to detach himself from this marriage.

Slowly, step-by-step, day by day he slipped away more and more.

Of course the signs were there. Jennifer must have seen them.

When my Ex left me back then, I also thought that it came out of the blue… like she just came up with that crazy idea to break up today.

“I don’t love you anymore”, she said. As if she just wanted to see how I would react when she crushed my world.

Later I realized that there were tons of red flags.

I just chose to ignore them, just like someone chooses to ignore a painful unwanted reality that so completely doesn’t fit in their lives.

That was my only fault I share with Jennifer.

So why in hell haven’t they said anything… given us a chance to change, repair, smooth things over… just to do something?

Well maybe they have, and we just didn’t have the time to listen.

Or maybe they haven’t.

Either way, it is not important whose fault it was.

It is important to know that they broke up with you a long time before you chose to accept it. Way before this painful, unwanted reality entered your life.

So, at the time of the actual break-up, Jennifer’s husband was emotionally already where she would not be for at least another 10 months.

That’s the sad truth. An Ex can move on fast, because they are simply miles ahead of us.

How Can You Fall Out Of Love The Fastest Way Possible?

So if our Exes are able to fall out of love with us, then shouldn’t WE be able to follow suit? Right?

Yes, we can… we are NOT helpless.

Here’s the agenda we need to accomplish:

We need to fall out of love with our Ex, we need to completely and utterly stop loving them. That means more precisely to stand in front of them and feel absolutely nothing.

Nada. As if we were standing in front of a stranger.

Given the fact that the addiction we have for our Ex is the root to all of our problems, it seems that this is the most desirable outcome.

I go yet one step further and say that the desire to do so is a precondition to recovery. You MUST WANT to fall out of love in order to heal and make way to the possibility of finding a better, more fulfilled relationship.

It is the right way. But the journey will be arduous.

As you may know, this said journey of break-up recovery leads you through different phases. All of which have their own pitfalls and challenges.

In a nutshell, when you want to heal from a broken heart you have to accomplish 3 miraculous things. You have to:

  1. contain the pain
  2. accept that it’s over
  3. make the leap into independence

All of these will stretch you to the limit.

What I’ve experienced personally, and most of my clients have as well, is that the “out-of-love-falling” happens with the leap into independence, where we shift off our dependence to our Ex, and take off our rose-colored glasses.

When we are able to truly see the world as it is again, with complete detoxification of the love-drug.

We then realize that we can very well make it alone, and we kick our Ex from their pedestal that we’ve build for them… with a blast.

MORE: Kicking The Ex From Their Pedestal – Getting Over A Break Up

This, and the time that follows, is where “the magic” happens and we simply fall out-of love and… hopefully, in-love again.

What did it for me personally, was a combination of self-realization, self-discovery and the complete physical absence of my Ex.

And as I preach so often my dear friends: it always starts with No-Contact. (You should sign-up to my newsletter if you need help with that).

One last mystery remains yet uncovered:

Isn’t Love Supposed To Be Eternal?

“It is impossible to fall out of love. Love is such a powerful emotion, that once it envelops you it does not depart. True love is eternal. If you think that you were once in love, but fell out of it, then it wasn’t love you were in. There are no ‘exit’ signs in love, there is only an ‘on’ ramp.”
-Unknown

I agree with this quote… with some reservations. Were ALL forms of love like the one eternal altruistic love, then yes… love would never die.

But knowing that there are many forms, including those created by our own power of will – remember how I once told you that I continuously forced myself to love my Ex – most love is mortal.

Unfortunately not EVERY love we experience is THAT eternal altruistic love.

So when you find yourself alone, after your Ex’s love for you has died, the question is NOT whether your love for him was THE “real” facet of love or not.

Nope my friends.

The question is how fast will you realize that you MUST get rid of this love the fastest way possible.

Because it’s either YOU kill it or IT kills you.

This is not being un-romatic… there is no romance in one-sided love.

This is being realistic. This is me having seen far too many of you who suffered way beyond they should have.

This is me helping you to take this break-up, squeeze every single drop of insight out of it and use this knowledge to become a better person… and eventually to dare to start this whole thing all over again.

But this time I promise you… you will be more complete, wiser and also stronger.

So is it possible to fall out of love?

It is and it is not… it solely depends on you.

What do YOU think? Please share in the comment section below.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

(Photograph is a courtesy of 0rangeya)

,

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110 Responses to How To Fall Out Of Love With Your Ex… If Possible

  1. Yuan August 21, 2013 at 11:06 am #

    I wish I saw this website when my live-in partner for 4 years broke up last end of June 2013. I didn’t know yet the relationship ended because it all started with a fight over an issue which we had always disagree-I was always against him helping his family (he is the first child in the family with 50+ yrs. old parents, a 1st year college son and 2 married sisters…all of them living in the same roof. One day, while video calling in Skype (he was at work) the sister gave birth and I have made bad comments about him helping her again. We fought as I explained my point. The night ended with him getting angry and saying that “I should leave him alone helping his family because it’s his money and I am not his wife anyway”. I felt bad and fought back and said words such as “ok you didn’t treat me like one so I don’t need any other explanations, pack your things here and leave without us talking about it. That week he didn’t contact me, I didn’t too coz I wanted to cool down myself and I was still angry.

    After 1 week, I texted him asking why hasn’t he gone home yet that if he has no intentions to go back, just come home and take his things while I am at work (though I really didn’t mean that. Whenever we fight I always say the same things but we always end up ok). But this time, he didn’t show up. I texted him, tried to convince him to come home so we can discuss our problems but he never replied. Following week I texted how much I love him, how sorry I was for the bad things I’ve said about his family and that I wanted to compromise about this frequently-fought-of- issue, but he never replied. Third week I started to be worried that I begged for his love , tell me honestly if he has already fallen for somebody else, discuss to see if we can fix our issues, but he never replied. 4th week I didn’t contact him but he came to our apartment and took some of his things. After leaving he sent me a text message saying that he took some of his things but it doesn’t mean he wants us to break up. He just wants to have “space” to find himself but in case I find another guy then he will understand. He also said that if it’s God’s will that we are meant, he hopes there will be no more insecurities and doubt about each other, but if we are not meant he hopes us to be friends and only remember the good things we’ve shared. I replied and said I agreed to the space so we can find both ourselves and find out myself about my own issues. I requested him not to give himself yet to another person as we evaluate ourselves so we can meet one day, sit and say if we continue or we say goodbye. I stopped contacting him for a while.

    August 08, 2013, I received our mobile bill statement and found a strange number. My heart started to beat fast and I felt weak. I doubted and so I tried to call the person. Only to find out that the woman is my boyfriend’s girlfriend since 1 month and they made plans of meeting together on March for marriage! I was shocked and hurt about what I heard. They were not physical, she works in another country but they were classmates in high school back in our home country. They started chatting / flirting via Facebook. She is still single too and both of them live in the same place.

    After learning about what happened, I didn’t still contact my boyfriend to confront him about it. I was waiting for him to contact me, but he didn’t. 2 weeks after my discovery of that childhood chat mate who is now as she claims his boyfriend, he came again to collect the rest of his things. He just left me a hand written note this time (not txt message) to say he collected the rest of his things and if there is anything left he shall just take it back along with his passport and ended it with a simple “thank you”.

    I don’t know what to feel! Shocked…in denial…total wreck. For almost 2 months on a weekly basis I was on an emotional roller coaster! Until now I am holding his passport and still continued with my no contact rule. He has not contacted me yet. Should I give it back by seeing him or just sending it by courier? Should I wait for a closure for us to talk and ask him why he left me? Should I beg to work things out? This has affected my appetite, productivity in work and ability to socialize with people. I am still staying in the apartment and have to tend to the house and bills. Thinking about leaving all the things and the memory we’ve had there makes me NOT want to leave it as well as having the difficulty to move/shift to a new apartment carrying the stuffs.

    Note: By the way I was married for 5 years but having to work abroad, I left my husband and son. In my stay of 2 years abroad, I met my guy and fall in love with him so I decided to leave my husband. When he found out I was cheating, he wanted annulment which I agreed since I am already in love with this boyfriend of mine. We moved-in together for 4 years and for 4 years I kept him secret to my colleagues here abroad at work (I am afraid they see us together so we only go to places where I know I will not be seen by them), but my relatives here and back home knew him and our relation, except for my son to whom I didn’t admit yet.
    I am so much of a total wreck! If you could give me an advice on what to do or to tell me anything to help me clear my cloudy mind is much appreciated.

    • Alystea April 21, 2014 at 9:56 pm #

      Sounds like you are jealous of his family and trying to control him from being around them is a bit selfish on your part, especially if his sister is giving birth – he is being a good sibling. Now if he was always putting his family first before you, then I would understand more. I just kicked my boyfriend out of my apartment for the same reason. He was always putting his mother before me, hanging out with her ALL day long and then only coming to see me right before bed and to sleep over or eat my food. He didn’t have a job and was just freeloading. His mom would invite me up for dinners but then he would get on me saying I wasn’t grateful or appreciative enough to such an outstanding person as his mother. I was thankful but he didn’t want to see that and just continued to play out this power struggle of having two women in his life, and he couldn’t fully commit to me. When I was on the phone with my mom once every few weeks, he would get a little irritable. When I wanted to talk to my brother who told me he was getting a divorce on New Year’s Day, it meant I would have to skip breakfast at his parents house and my ex railed me for that as well. He wasn’t able to respect my family in ANY way shape or form like expected me to worship his family. He would tell me that I have the problem with not wanting to be part of his family. So if you don’t see eye-to-eye on family issues, it’s best you get out sooner rather than later because it can really escalate. My problem was, I thought we had resolved our different ideas about family, but whenever a fight happened, he would bring the same things up about how unappreciative I was of his family and all the things they do for me. So he had an unhealthy attachment to his parents and was trying to drag me into the same. If your BF was ever holding that over your heard, you should be worried. If you thought his attachment to his family was unhealthy, then that’s justified to be upset. But it sounds like he was just tending to them as a thoughtful, family-oriented person and you may have some jealousy issues to figure out.

  2. jackie November 10, 2013 at 1:25 am #

    I am not sure how I feel honestly, My boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me right before my birthday two years ago now. I honestly thought he was the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with. He was everything I could hope for we where so happy together. At times I feel like I am over him but other times I don’t feel like I am. I still dream about him constantly and I miss him when I am alone. I have tried everything in the book to get over him but I don’t think for me it is possible. I am in a new relationship and I love my boyfriend now but I hate to say it but it dose not compare to the love I had for my ex. I feel terrible when I think about my ex or have dreams about him it almost makes me feel like I am cheating on my boyfriend now. Everytime I see his friends or hear about my ex my heart just sinks and I end up all depressed after. Every time I hear about him and his new girlfriend it bothers the crap out of me and makes me even more depressed. I guess im just stuck in a huge rut.

  3. Sillyhead December 25, 2013 at 6:20 am #

    this is indeed a great post on how to fall out of love. My partner of 18 months (we lived together) broke up with me after he moved out of country for only three weeks. He see no future in us by doing LD and doesnt consider marriage at the moment. We are in our late 20s.

    He wanted to remain friends, just doesn’t want to commit to the LDR which he thought meaningless. He was the one who moved away for his career and refused me to relocate with him. Our relationship was great so far, he was super loving and caring and I treated him so well even when he was jobless for almost 6 months. However, he left me with no option except break up with him. He said he still care for me but he refused LDR, he refused me to relocate with him (he said he can’t even manage himself properly) and he see no future with me! I was devastated. I am in NC with him. But I missed him badly, miserably especially during this festive season.

    I need help to fall out of love.

  4. KKS January 14, 2014 at 1:58 am #

    Me and my ex broke up 3 months ago we was together for a year. We didn’t contact each other for 3 months till a week ago he text me and asked for forgiveness.. He cheated on me with another girl while we was dating and I didn’t even know till after we broke up. I think he is still with that girl.. He told me she screwed him over and that he regrets losing me and leaving me. But today I had a weird feeling he was still with her? I was suppose to go see him today but at the last minute he was saying how his teeth were hurting and how he needs to make a dentist appointment as soon as he can. I believed it for a minute then I started to think he is probley with that girl right now so that’s why he is blowing me off? I texted him and told him I knew what he was doing and that he was still with that girl and that I hope she realizes how he really is and that I don’t want him to contact me anymore that I need to move on from him and that after this message I am blocking his number from texting me. He hasn’t texted me since and that been like 3 hours ago.. I do regret saying that but he was making me stressed all the time because he confused me.. I just couldn’t take it anymore and I wasn’t going to get hurt by him again and he is known for being a big cheater..I love him but I can’t let him do this to me anymore. I know there are a lot of men and women going threw things like I am and that does give me comfort because I know I’m not alone. I hope I did the right thing I don’t know if he’ll text me back or just leave me alone. I think he is thinking I will regret what I said later and say sorry and ask if he can forgive me.. But i’m not I mean’t what I said to him and I’m not taking it back. I feel stress coming off of me but then I feel sadness in my heart thinking I messed up that he really could be the one.. But he will never change.. And I did see him a few days ago and we had a good time he acted like he was when we first got together. But when I left I cried because all that getting over him and then him doing that really reset my healing process. Now I gotta start all over again but this time shouldn’t be as hard for me because we’ve only been in contact for a week but we barely text during that time that’s why I think he was still with that girl because he would barely text me at all. But in all reading this made me see a lot. I hope I can over come this and have No Contact Rule.

  5. Stills January 22, 2014 at 2:18 pm #

    I felt everything inside me shrink back and recoil in agony coupled with shock at the assertions here about what I’m experiencing following a break up. I can’t stop thinking about him, I can’t suppress the urge to go over to see him (they live four doors down. Ouch), I can’t see myself letting go because I’m afraid to let go of what I have left of our relationship–my love for him. In the vacuum world I call my mind, I find all of these ideas presented here unorthodox and disturbingly too realistic, too true to reject. I got it. But, God this is so incredibly painful especially as this is the first relationship I’ve ever had (yep, I’m a baby experiencing the hard-knocks of life). I feel skeptical about buying the Ex-Detox System (as with anything else sold online), but the more I read these articles the more I start to believe that maybe this could be something I need. Funny, I found this site after wailing out loud and begging God to put me out of my misery.

  6. Tbone March 1, 2014 at 4:44 pm #

    As the initiator of my divorce,reading this helped me to understand why he didnt see it coming and how by detaching little by little for the past 9 years i fell out of love with him… However, i still remain confused by the fact that although i am no longer in love with him i still love him, which seems so cliché. when i look at him or think of him rather than feel nothing, I feel concern and tenderness but nothing remotely romantic (no attraction/desire or hope for a bright future as a couple). I’ve got a few questions for you Eddie: How do i navigate that? Is there a healthy alternative to feeling nothing for an ex after you’ve spent 15 years together? Or do i need to work towards a more intense detachment and apathy?

  7. Edilez DeVille May 4, 2014 at 6:56 am #

    I was married for 8 years to the date as it end it on my wedding anniversary, he also said he did not love me any more and did not want to be marry any more he said some really hurtful things I tried to talk to him ,and I’m shame to admit I beg him to give us one last chance to work things out (you see i thought it was my fault) I even suggested professional help whatever I was willing. you see he had cheat it on me about a year and half before , I forgive him , but it made me very insecure as a woman and we really didn’t work on it we ignore it like with that will fix anything but by the time he left me two days later yeah after saying we will work things out the night he drop the bomb on my first day of work he move out taking our dog and more important my son with him I came home to find that out.My parents were living 7 month of the year with us the rest they will be with my brother at the time they were with us and we need it to move out of the house in about a week or so I found myself with two parents to worry about my self and find where we were going to go with not credit no money and a new job i couldn’t come for a 2nd day because i was not emotionally capable at the time so my Dad said we should come to FL to my brothers house. It has been so difficult I cry every day I did not sleep at all 0 hours for about a week finally my body break and i get to sleep 4 hours since them at the time he ended things i was and still are in a depression the worst part is my son. You see i’m not his biological mother but I raise him i’m the only mom he has ever known but I have not legal rights to him against his father. Despite all that he hurt me and intellectually knowing i should hate him or stop loving him I found myself doing so despite everything we have kept the testing minimal we text regarding our son , so how can I move on and do the not contact as things like school health etc of my son I need to talk to him? Like my son visiting and so for it has been 9 month and I’m still having difficulty sleeping,and getting out of my depression I’m getting good at masking it in front of friends and family but i feel lost and sinking I still hurting so much that is Physically
    I have been sick more than I can recall. I do not believe in this so books Cd’s etc I think is just a business like any other if you really care about people you will have free real help for people like me that don’t have any money and struggling to even eat and have a roof under their head, with that being said maybe free letters help a little but they always gear to buy and buy the products.I don’t think you can stop loving or fall out of love if it was true love it is unconditional what i hope is that with time that love will change and i can stop hurting, and when it come to my son , well that will never stop hurting if you are a parent you know what I’m talking about it. Sorry and thanks.

  8. Ren June 22, 2014 at 11:11 am #

    So me and my exbroke up about 3 months after we got together but it felt like we were together for 3 years he would always talk about his exs. And he would get depressed randomly but I never complained or did anything wrong finally he said I made him depressed and I was shocked I tried so hard to comfort him and do what I could for him I shouldn’t have even been with him in the first place because he hated all my friends and wanted me all to himself. But I loved him so I stayed after he told me I made him depressed he left telling me he loved me I lost track of time after he left i thought it might have been 3 weeks or a month but then he came back telling me how much he missed me and all that he told me it had only been a week since he left so I think I was addicted to him but anyway I took him back and felt with his depression and everything but we didn’t get back together right then because he had a girlfriend and I had a boyfriend so after a little while he broke up with his boyfriend and my boyfriend broke up withme (I didn’t really care much I only got with him because he asked) he asked if I wanted to be with h and I told him I dud but at the same tine I didn’t because I was still afraid of him leaving me again he understood and we were pretty much fwbs for a month and a half one day he just suddenly asked me to be his girlfriend and I I’m still afraid of him leaving me and I told him this and he still understood then about 2 weeks later he asked me again and I told him yes but I was still unsure if he would leave me or not not even 5 days later he texted me saying that he wanted to leave and he was tired of being so depressed all the time and he told me to be happy I don’t know what to do now

  9. Chloe August 7, 2014 at 8:42 am #

    “Tell me again how you went from loving me to not loving me…”
    -Movie Quote

    From which movie was this quote from? Thanks. :)

  10. JERRY WAGONER September 24, 2014 at 12:56 pm #

    I have reviewed each an every one of your comments. Only to find I would Love to trade places with any of you. I met someone and tried like hell to convince her we we not meant to be.
    However. She’s more than stubborn. And twice as adamant about what she wants. Because she wants it all.
    Her jealousy is rampant. Her honesty is a twisted combination of what never really happened. Mixed in with she’s sure it did. All you have to add i part beer. i part xanex and mix vigorously with methamphetamine and woolah! You now have another heartbreaking episode of “Let’s DRAMA”that has no validity to it.
    I have been accused of many atrocious violations. None of which I am guilty. I have lost far more in almost for years because of my desire to prove my love for this woman than I care to mention. The most important of all has to be the emotional discontent she deemed necessary in order to get back at all those who never did love her. Through me. I have always been faithful. Never hurt her physically. always encouraged her to do what ever she might feel like doing.Watched over her in times of trouble.And always did what she asked without question.
    Everything!
    She on the other hand rewarded me by leaving me three times. All for delusional reasons. One time I never got any reason at all. The main reason I decided to throw in the towel is because she admitted she will never trust any man again. She has broken every agreement so far to date we have had. Refuses to marry me because her daughter has convinced her that she needs a millionaire.My sisters became allies in the slow , painful mission to destroy any good I possess by hacking into my emails and sending dozens of ludicrous emails they wrote themselves containing what appeared to be my address and my doing. Causing so much discontent I almost hung myself.
    Though she can’t bring herself to admit it. It has never been love she had for me. I was more like her servant. And although I must admit. I still love her. However I’m not foolish enough to believe she will ever come around. Especially since she has also been convinced I have only been hanging around for monetary reasons. And possible possessions she was left by her brother who has since deceased.
    That broke the straw on the camels back for me. So I cut it off.I will never be able to forgive her for all she has put me through for nothing. And I’m finding that there really was no sense in putting out any more energy towards such a one sided relationship. I’m appalled by her decision to believe all the lies. When I have and always will be honest. Her disrespect by never once coming to me before making all her decisions in haste. Hurts more than I care to mention.Yet I still care for her. And worry about her constantly. I feel like the biggest fool on the planet. And that’s something I will never forgive myself for.
    Between her so called love. My sisters. Her daughter and family? The have caused more damage and suffering than I hardly deserve. And truthfully the only reason I’m still here is because I have a Mother whom I have to care for. Since I’m all she has. I could never be that selfish.
    I wish the best to all of you out there whom I know are brokenhearted. Filled with discontent. And suffering. I really do know how it feels. Especially when you find out the other half of who you thought cared? Never really gave a damn at all.
    It’s more than cruel and unkind. It should be criminal. Because she really has killed whatever I used to be about.And replaced it with more emptiness and shame than I could ever describe. Took it all away without any sign of remorse. And still to this day wants me to believe she’s done nothing wrong.
    I never would have believed doing the right thing… could turn out so wrong. I just can’t believe for the life of me why it is I still love her. And I’m hating me so much.

  11. Ernie Allen September 25, 2014 at 5:09 am #

    That was one of the best colums of advice I have read in weeks, thanks so much, I needed that straight talk about falling out of love, especially when seeing your ex , have feelings for her as a stranger , thank you

  12. Broken-hearted Girl September 25, 2014 at 2:29 pm #

    Every bit of words you said here hit a nerve on my end. Specially, the part where you said “he started to separate himself emotionally from her a very long time ago.” That too I asked myself over and over how could my ex moved on too quickly. How could he forget 5 1/2 years that fast, in a matter of less than a month he had a girlfriend. Just a little back story, I was with my bf for 5 1/2 years he broke up with me the day of our 6 year anniversary. His reasons were vague he said he loves me and his afraid to let me go but he knows he doesn’t want to be in a relationship. He felt that I deprived for so many years of partying and just dating around. As a girl, I didnt exactly know how to react, I thought the break up was temporarily. We have broken up quite a few times, I think have done the lowest of the low just to win him back. And I thought I was doing everything right. I have asked him quite a few times if he was seeing anyone he always deny’s it just like in the past. Finally, the day comes and someone I knew who I was friends with him in fb, sent me a message and told me his in a relationship. It’s not even a month yet and his already with the girl he worked with. That was a big slap in my face 5 1/2 years down in th drain just like that. In my head, I was thinking what happened to the 90 day rule. Of course, being a typical broken-hearted person I sent him several nasty text. I thought, from that point on it was over. Then a week after he started texting me, telling me he made a mistake and he rushed things and that him and that girl will not last. To make the story short I went from being the gf to the other woman. I couldn’t tell anyone except for one friend because I was embarrassed by it. That affair lasted for almost a month ended before Valentine’s day of 2012. He told me that his going to make things right, to wait for him but if I can’t he will understand I deserve to be happy. I knew deep down inside that he was just using me and it got to stop. I wouldn’t lie and say I didn’t expect that he will choose us, because he didn’t. He choosed her and less than a year of their relationship he got the girl pregnant and got married. I’m not proud of my decisions then, but I was desperate I didn’t expect that he was going to move on that quickly. I was tempted to forward all the text message he has sent me to her, but I didn’t see the point of that. And I let it be. It’s been more than 2 years since the break up, and I feel as though that break up took a lot of stuff from me, specially TRUST. I can’t seem to trust no one I’m always on guard I can’t allow anybody in because I’m afraid to get hurt. Everyone keep telling me I need to allow myself to be open more so I could allow somebody in. But how? It’s been more than 2 years even though his married and have one kid, their’s still this side of me that is hoping that he will come back. But all of those are wishful thinking and I need to move on and allow myself to fall out of love for him. So I can allow myself to love again. And wishful thinking I hope the next time I love it’s the one.

  13. Cha October 10, 2014 at 3:18 am #

    Thank you Eddie for your work, very helpful and heartfelt articles. I read a few and will continue to read on, a bit later on as my delusion is strong and likely to carry on as I still want it to… Because what if there is a chance. I can hear it myself, tell myself, repeat it, and still I won’t let it go. The pain of the guilt, regrets and remorse, all fuel the refusal to accept reality, also because all that time that was what I was already doing. Fears turn desperate tentative to control everything and the other, leading to a total delusion, experiencing reality through a distorted glass. I cannot accept it because I am the reason it broke. I put all my energy into it. Battling other issues took their toll on him and the relationship. It is (I still think ‘maybe’) too late when I realise and finally turn 180 degrees to care for him, the relationship, and myself. If I was to understand, let it go, move on, it could only be with the strength to believe that another perfect one will come to love and be loved. But as I wasted life’s gift being careless & reckless with it, it shouldn’t but give me another chance. He was the one and I made him go. I can’t recover from that. To forget. That’s what I tried to do in a preceding delusional phase when he may have still love me but I didn’t understand that. But I couldn’t forget, and repress my emotions, that came all back and gave way to this new, excruciating phase where I realise I have lost him. And refuse to believe it. Back to the start of my comment…
    Kudos Eddie. It’s sure a hard job you do, fighting people’s delusion.

  14. Fragmented Heart October 28, 2014 at 6:00 pm #

    My relationship of nearly 14 years abruptly ended on September 1st of this year. He already had someone else. They are already “in love” and speaking of marriage. My entire soul is crushed! Life is like a giant puzzle. Loved ones help complete the picture of your life. My puzzle pieces are a bit jagged – like they’ve been glued together yet ripped apart by some unseen force. I’m slowly working on completing my picture but I’m afraid there is an incomplete spot now…A piece that was broken away- shredded. I could do what others do- and try and force another piece to fit in that spot…but it doesn’t work like that…… I am only 30 and I have found and lost my other half- willingly let him walk away…because that’s what he wants.

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