When you go through the recovery period after a relationship split, you will sooner or later notice one very disturbing fact –
that you may have lost a good part of your true “self”.
You simply are not the person you were at the beginning of the relationship.
This partial identity loss is one of the main reasons you feel how you feel today, the feeling like someone pulled the rug out from under you.
What does this really mean, and how is it actually possible to lose parts of our “selves”?
The Identity Loss After A Relationship Split
Most of us spend our lives in the pursuit of the perfect “one”, the ultimate partner. The “perfect one” stands for happiness, security, love and intimacy.
Unfortunately, the “one” also stands for the belief that all the personal issues we are struggling with our whole lives will just cease to exist.
Wiped away by eternal love.
Society reinforces such beliefs, (ask my 5 year old twin daughters about princesses and princes).
There are consequences for these unrealistic expectations.
When we finally find this special one, and this relationship is able to fill the emptiness we may have inside of us, we will come to the conclusion that our life’s happiness and fulfillment depend on THIS very relationship.
So we do everything to nurture this belief. We hold on tight to this relationship. We cling to it as hard as we can.
And why would we not? Our life depends on it.
Not all of us experience this to the extreme, most of us will find themselves in the middle somewhere.
I definitely was an extreme case back then.
I used to tell myself over and over again that I couldn’t make it alone. That I needed her in my life in order to survive.
I even told HER that.
And that’s the biggest turn-off any partner could ever receive.
It means that you are dependent, needy, clingy and weak.
All of which are traits that will drive your partner away… guaranteed.
So how did we lose ourselves?
To lose yourself in love, may sound shocking at first, but it is not that unusual.
When we are in love, we tend to wear those rose-colored glasses, everything is so fascinating and exciting. As the relationship continues, and we tie our life’s happiness to it, we often end up sacrificing our personal needs.
But it’s OUR personal needs that nurture our “true self”.
Without them, we become someone else… and it absolutely doesn’t feel right.
That is why it is so important to never sacrifice the very things you need to be YOU. The relationship wouldn’t survive without YOU.
And guess what happens should you ever break-up?
Your world is in pieces, and so is your personality.
But there’s actually good news now: you can build yourself up from the ground. Not only re-claim your true “self”, but also find a better “you”.
How To Re-Discover Yourself After A Break-Up
After being asked how to find out who you really are, Deepak Chopra answered that this was only possible with practicing silent meditation.
He said that with time and practice, you will experience a “growing silence” inside. This experience is your real “self” that will guide you to your life-purpose.
Meditation is a great way to re-connect to the person who you really are. If you manage to silence your mind, your fears, just be in the now, then what remains is simply good old YOU.
I know from experience that it is not an easy task to accomplish, especially not after a loss when you tend to be everywhere, just NOT in the NOW.
But I’ve had nothing but good experiences with meditation, even and especially through the turmoil of my own break-up.
Sidenote: Please don’t fall into the “I-know-this” trap and try it now. There is plenty of information out there, (you can start here).
If you have the persistence and endurance, I promise you that meditation will change your life.
Another great way to re-claim your “self” is to simply do the things you’ve always loved to do.
This may sound trivial and standard “post break-up procedure” but I’ve noticed that as the years pass by, we do the things that fulfill and define us less and less.
Maybe it collided with your Ex’s interests, or life simply got in the way, but doing these things again is a direct way to recover what was lost.
Let me give you an example from my own life.
I was a guitar-player my whole life. It started when I was nine years old, and as an adult I even considered a professional musician’s career.
I stopped playing cold turkey when my twins were born because I had no time at all, and everything was more important than the guitar.
This was five years ago.
I started playing again recently, and it felt just as if a lost part of me was somehow unlocked again.
Making music is a deep wired part of myself, and since I’m doing it again, I’m feeling happier and more balanced. So much more “me”.
So do the things that define you and make you happy. Make them a number 1 priority.
It might also be a good idea to connect to an old childhood friend, to relive happy-times again.
What I also do in my coaching, (and in the home-study version, the “Ex-Detox System”), I give my clients a list with specifically designed questions and exercises that will help you discover not only the real YOU, but also YOUR specific life-purpose.
Because these are the two things – re-discovering yourself and finding your life-purpose – that you must aspire to if you want to get the best out of this devastating experience. And these – among others things – will also protect you in the future by showing you the path you should follow.
So that you never ever again derail from your destined path and stay true to the real YOU.