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Love Until Madness – Did It Happen To You?

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“There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche

Let me tell you a little story about my visit to the mountains of Turkey many years ago.

I met this beautiful, intelligent girl from Turkey, with crazy dark curly hair. We had this great relationship going and one day she asked me if I would like to learn her origins and travel to Turkey with her. I said “of course”, and the next thing I know I was on sitting on an airplane on my way to Anatolia, (the mountain region of Turkey).

Over the next few days she showed me her beautiful country, full of nice people and breathtaking scenery.

We were on a mountain trip looking for her hometown when she suddenly asked me:

“How do you like my village?”

“What village?” I asked. “You mean the three cabins over there?”

“Yes” she replied, “this is where my parents grew up. My origins are right over there”.

We went to visit her grandparents. They were living in a very small house, which looked kind of decayed from the outside, but was surprisingly comfortable and well furnished on the inside. Not to our western standards, of course, but adequate and pleasant.

Her grandparents were very nice, but somewhat scary people. Do you know the type of elderly people, who seem to be able to look you in the eye and know all about you? What you are thinking, what you’ve done, what you will do? All of the world’s wisdom seemed to lie in them.

Especially her grandpa, with his white beard and stabbing blue eyes, as if he had jumped out of a fantasy movie.

Scary.

And I was sitting in front of them as the boyfriend of their loving grandchild.

After some meaningless chitchat, where no more than “yes” or “no” left my lips, her grandpa said something that I will never forget my whole life.

They seemed to have noticed that we were very in love- it was written all over us. He said with a meaningful attitude and very earnest, if not threatening:

“Pay attention that you do not love too much.  It’s never good to love someone too much”.

Then he stood up, walked to his grandchild, kissed her gently and left the room, without looking at me once.

Needless to say, I was quite shocked.

“What did he mean by that?” I asked my girlfriend later.

“You have to find out by yourself”, she replied. “My grandpa says mysterious things all the time. People are coming to him and asking for his advice all over the country. When he says something like this, it always has some meaning.”

Never love too much.

It absolutely didn’t make sense to me. To love someone was, for me, the ultimate altruistic gift you could possibly give. I desperately wanted to do that, to love someone until madness. It was my personal goal.

The Turkish girl and I broke up months after that for various reasons, to my regret, but I never stopped thinking about this strange event that happened in the mountains of Turkey.

A few years later I would find out the meaning of this sentence, and what it meant to me, in the most painful way.

After that devastating breakup I experienced, I suddenly realized why it is bad to have loved TOO MUCH, and it made perfect sense to me.

It’s bad because I lost myself completely. I lived through the other person, defined my happiness by the other person, and connected all my future and past to her.

That is loving TOO MUCH.

Every time you find yourself disconnected from the person you really are because of the relationship, then you are loving too much and it WILL lead into disaster.

Of course I do NOT mean that you shouldn’t give all the love you have, you definitely shouldn’t hold anything back, but don’t lose the person you are over it.

This is MY personal truth and interpretation of that mysterious phrase I heard so many years ago.

Do you think that it’s possible to love too much, until madness? I’d love to read your opinion in the comment section.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

(Photograph is a courtesy of KorayGokhan)

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About The Author:

is a breakup-coach, relationship-advisor and founder of LovesAGame. He suffered from a devastating break up in 1998. Since then, he dedicated his life to helping others getting the best of this existential experience. The overcoming of a break up is an important step to autonomy and independency. Eddie Corbano developed some new coaching programs, which focus on evolving inner strength and the power to set and reach any personal goal. (Article written on August 8th, 2009)
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  • RRRosh

    Oh my God, so right! One has to go through this madness to understand. I experienced and was not myself for a long long time. Held nothing back – that’s what I always believed in but madness…I lost myself! And then came the disaster! It is absolutely possible to love to madness but its not “healthy” and I stronly believe in it – now – I would not have some years back. I would have laughed at you if you had told me this had I not experienced the madness of love….very critical stage of love!!!!!

  • Insane

    Yes I’ve done it too, and the end was equally disastrous. I totally agree that if you love someone too much there is only one way it can ever end up. What a shame though and what a hard lesson that was to learn, it took me over a year of absolute heartbreak, unbearable self-pity and total devastation in every single area of my life before I finally realised what a mess I had made of it all. Still, good to see I’m not the only one ;o))

  • Wolfy

    Hehe…I found out this the hard way. I just came out from a 2 year relationship and your post just seems to fit in like the final piece of the puzzle.

  • JOn

    Yes it is possible to love someone too much, if one loves and do not give back that is.

    The old adage give and take is very true here because it is only by doing so that the relationship can have some sort of equilibrium.

    There is too much to say here, such as communication skills, values and so forth that i will not venture into; loving too much is hazardous, and sometimes the solution can be as simple as requesting to take from the significant other if he/she can provide it

  • Jonte

    I found my answer through article….

    I broke up 2 months ago, but now I still feel something there is haunting me…
    5 months ago my commitment to life : 120%, 1 month ago : 7%, but till now still guess roughly 19%….. I heal damn slow…

    yea, I insist NOT to love someone… too much… Just remember to reserve a place for yourself in your heart… always do!

  • http://www.isabellamuse.com Isabell’a

    Thank you for the thoughtful blog!

    I do think it is very possible to lose ourselves in our love relationships. We forget that the important thing isn’t the relationships itself, but the product of that relationship. What are we bringing back out of our associations, into the world? In what way are we contributing to our growth and to the growth of others? In this case, “loving someone too much” is perhaps redirecting all of our creative focus and energy to one person. I think we can love openly and passionately, but we must also continue to work on the project that is The Self.

  • Suzette

    I can relate to this, and 9 months after my break-up with my ex, I’m still picking up the pieces of the life I lost while I was with him. I thought something like that wouldn’t ever happen to me but I stopped doing so many things because I wanted to be somone I thought he wanted me to be, and I lost my self-respect. In the end, it wasn’t worth it but I learned a valuable lesson. It’s so important to stay true to yourself, and be a happy person apart from being in a relationship.

    Thanks for sharing this story, Eddie.

  • Alexandra

    Thank you so much for this blog Eddie. Without it I don’t know how I would have gotten through my breakup. I felt compelled to post to give people hope – as I received so much comfort in reading other people’s posts while I was going through the worst.

    In a nutshell, my ex dumped me out of the blue after nearly 6 years of being together. We had talked about marriage, had joint assets and had we lived together. It wasn’t perfect – but we were committed to therapy to grow together. I won’t go into anymore details about the relationship but when we broke up I was devestated. I couldn’t get out of bed, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t talk to anybody…..I really couldn’t function at all. I nearly lost my job over it.

    I thought that I would never survive. I cried constantly thinking that I had lost the best thing ever and that my life was ruined. I wanted to just disappear and not exist.

    That was nearly 6 months ago and it’s an entirely different story now. Eddie’s advice was really helpful – especially with no contact and the fact that you REALLY put your ex on a pedestal. I actually can’t believe that not only did I survive – but I am thriving. Happy, busy, social. I sometimes get some sadness at being single (I’m in my mid 30s and thought I’d be married by now) but I fill up my time with friends, new activities and keeping busy.

    Anyway – I wanted to let all of you broken hearts out there know that there is HOPE! I went from not thinking that I wouldn’t survive and that I had lost the greatest love of my life and best friend – to being happy and healthy. I PROMISE you that you will get over this. LIsten to Eddie – he really knows what he’s talking about. Even though his advice may seem to go against what you are FEELING, you need to follow it because you aren’t thinking with your head – you are thinking with your emotions. Think of Eddie’s advice as a light in the fog – you can’t see properly so you need to rely on guidance to get you out. Even if it feels weird and wrong – just trust and it will eventually get better. I’m not going to lie – it’s not easy – but you will absolutely survive and get through this.

    Hugs.

  • unexpected inevitiable

    I met a man two and half years ago. He fell inlove with me the day he met me, and within a couple of days I was right there with him. We had an extordinary love affair. We met under the sun on an Island in the Carribean. He was from Europe and I was from North America. Our words were not strong in a mutual language in the first moment, but everything made sense. We loved each other with amounts that seemed impossible.
    After we departed from each other we continued to gravitate towards eachother. With 10,000km inbetween our houses we continued to see eachother every three months, and after a year I made the move to be with him. We drank in the high of being inlove, but it was never enough. Once reality caught up and our day to day obligations & expectations weighed in, our differences started to become more apparent. Each debate, misunderstanding, and full out argument triggered an internal alarm, that never went away. When you give so much love it hurts when the other one hits a wall and doesn’t understand where you are coming from. When you give up to much love you begin to sacrifice your happiness to continue keep the love. When it is not enough you give away love you reserved for yourself to your partner, and your inner self begins to notice. You become upset that you have neglected yourself, and your partner probably was doing the same. In the end you both used up all the love you had, and there is nothing left. Not for you to give to him, or even to yourself… or at least that’s what I think happened with me. We pretend like things are ok, but the madness has settled deep within us. I am leaving in just a few days, and I wish that old man would have told us ‘It’s never good to love someone too much.”

  • Kelly

    I read this and i nearly started bawling! I just went through a pretty bad breakup and i consumed my life in my boyfriend. We were together everyday all day unless he was working! He was my first love, we dated for 4 years and i feel like i will never get over him and im scared to Death that i will never over come this and i will always want him back. I dont know why i want him so bad though i know he is no good for me! I honestly thought that only girls could love like this but apparently i was wrong I’m glad to know that im not alone and i have more hope now more than other because i just read this.

  • Kay

    My marriage was not so happy and i had to leave my kids to work abroad. Then i met this guy who promised to love me the way my ex was not able to do. I tried and trusted him and we fell in love. He has kids from a woman who maltreated him back home. Then there came a time when we became dependent of each other. We needed and helped each other, emotionally & financially but most of the time i did the latter. Until his time came to take his vacation, he promised he just went for his kids. Yet after 3 days that he left for vacation, he would not answer my messages nor take my calls. I was in panic. It was very painful for me because i thought he already forgot about his sons’ mother but everything was totally different now. I pleaded for him to talk to me a lot times but he refused to do so. After a few agonizing days, i picked myself up and decided to get on and make sure he repays me everything he owes me when he gets back. I was never so humiliated in my whole life than this very moment when he rejected me. Then lately, after several days of his stay there, he would call and send me messages including sweet nothings only to know at the end that he needs money. I was shivering in disbelief that there exist a person like him in this world. A shameless abusive person…after he’d rejected, now he’s come back to me to ask help. Please can you advise me what to do with this wolf? I’m afraid what i might do to him when I see him.

    • Beruska

      Dear Kay, as I read your story, I am almost sure your man is an African. Or am I wrong? Well, if it is the case, please do not try to understand his behavior and immorality. I do not want to sound racist but it is somehow their “cultural” behavior. Make sure he pays you back what he owns you and run away. Do not waste your mental energy over someone who has such natural. Do not think your screaming or moralizing speach will make him to improve.

  • joey

    Yeah…it’s true…..When you love someone so much that you start defining yourself based on the other persons view…it becomes very difficult to break up …
    I have felt that madness and it hurts a lot …. I agree with u all…

  • Nikki

    This happened to me…just the other way around. My fiance became obsessive over me, trying to do everything for me and getting angry with me when I did not let him. He then walked out on me two days ago, saying that I had changed and that I never respected him. I tried to tell him that he did this to himself, but it was no use. I am obviously devestated by this but I’m pulling myself back together. I loved him like no one else, and as I see it now, like no one ever again. This was the man whom I saw, and knew in that moment that I was going to marry him. Then I let him screw it up.

  • Shirinyan

    I’m madly in love with a close friend who seemed to have intentions for me as well. 1 year later he got a so called “serious” girlfriend and i decided to stop being friends w him bcz it hurt me too much. These past few weeks I barely moved… ii’m always in my bed crying thinking why was he giving me all the cute sigs, why did we hang out soooo much… but all that was meant for nothing i guess. We were never bf/gf.. he never said the magical I love you words but he did give contradicting signs. Honestly.. i don’t know how to live me life now that i have finally lost hope. I have a lot of projects to finish up but i’m not motivated to do anything. I’m always sad and crying. I used to be really strong before meeting him.. He was there when my dad passed away he helped me through the most difficult times of my life but now he’s gone too. I’m afraid i’ll never find someone as good as he is… i’m sure i’ll get more dates but i’ll never love as madly as i love him. I love loving him… even though i want to move on and be happy again but i don’t want to let go of him and sweet memories of him. Wish me good luck :) lol

  • Maggie

    Unfortunatelly, when you realize you are loving too much, it is too late because the damage is already done. I know exactly how devastating this is.
    It is so hard to get over it.
    I have felt the pain you are talking about. If feels like dying would be actually a relief. But that is what people should be careful about because some actually take that route.
    If you are ever feeling like this, reach out for God and remember to love him more than anybody else. Then reach out for family and friends, and even counseling.

  • Nele

    Definitely guilty! However, it gets easier and better after a few major traumas, if one decides to learn from them. I’m just splitting up with somebody and while it’s sad and draining, it’s nowhere near as incapacitating as former split-ups used to be. I function well and realise that my whole life is basically in order. All throughout this relationship I forced myself to keep seeing my friends, go out and do things I enjoyed without him. This not only made me realise that I am an interesting person with A LIFE … but also, that he isn’t. Being ‘crazy in love’ is just that, crazy. Stop yourself.

  • Sofia

    Yes i know for a fact that one can lose himself completely in someone. i lost myself completely. i feel that i don’t have control over myself. i love that man so much, and as much as we wanna be together, we can’t be together. it’s not impossible, but we have to fight everyone and everything in order for us to be together. i am willing to do that, BUT, he’s not a fighter! he’s got zero persistance. I can’t tell u how hurt i am that im losing him just because he refuses to fight for our love.
    i gave him everything, and loved him unconditionally. there’s nothing that i wouldn’t do for him. i did all sorts of crazy things, things that i usually wouldn’t do.
    We still didn’t break up, but we’re gonna have to soon. i donnu how am i gonna make it without him.. i wish someone would just tell me.

  • dianne

    letting go of someone you have loved so much is one of the most hardest part we could ever handle!

  • shirinya

    there is a wonderful saying that taught me sooo much… ” if u love something let it go, if it comes back it’s yours, if it doesn’t it never was ” we should realize and admit the fact that the more we hold on to them the more they wanna run away… It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t fight for love… But he has to be worth to fight for…. I left a comment earlier…. I feel different now… I still love him but I’v learned how to live without him and still be happy…. Love yourself so others ( well meaning guys and especially him) will to! By staying strong and NOT letting myself down I made him respect me more… Yes we’re not together but I’m not just another chick for him…. I became the girl whom he calls at midnight after a long period of not talking to wish a happy birthday… Its better to end a relationship with pride and not burn bridges cuz life is full of surprises you never know what might happen in the future. We all wright our stories here seeking support from those who really understand us so I hope I was helpful :)

  • Hasher

    Brilliant, its an eyeopener for me, as well as my life…..i did commit this mistake…. loved the woman of my life.. till madness… and now she has moved away from me… and am literally dead and aimless…. i have no words… but an amazing article…. a lesson to all those who are in love… or going to get into a relationship…

  • John

    Hasher, you are not alone in this feeling, my friend. I lost my best friend, the love of my life, maybe because she lost herself at first, and then later in the 5 year relationship I lost myself. Once she had regained her sense of self, perhaps in the last two years or so of the relationship, she drifted away from me, ever so slowly. At the end, I was desparate to hold on. But she did not want it, or me, or the “person” we created together in our love (not a baby, just the melding of two hearts into one, you know). I had to let her go. It was devastating when I let her go in February. To this day I grieve and pray the pain ends soon. But perhaps it is only through the pain that we learn to not make the same mistake in loving again. Loving too hard/much gives the impression of trying to control the other and they feel smothered. Eventually this will damage the relationship. If only… if only…. if only I knew and understood then (five or six years ago) what I understand now.

  • Mimi

    it happens to everybody… i just recently broke up with my long distance boyfriend. i was mad and crazy, spent long hours goggling how to recovery from a breakup, one of the articles and answers I’ve stumbled upon was from a guy name THE REAL: “Some people know its true love after questioning themselves and coming up with valid answers. For others we know its true love by taking a leap of faith willing to embrace the idea that we may end up with a broken heart. Those who risk it all to find love are usually the ones who find love in its totality”
    love is the most beautiful thing in the world, and to find love, to be able to feel it, and share it even though it didn’t worked out how you wanted it to be – you felt it and shared it with someone.
    and in some way, you may have touched this person’s life and he/she have touched yours. life is unpredictable, and there are always a lot of risk, full of happiness and sadness. we must embrace it and learn from it and remember it. and so is it with love…
    i have not yet gotten over him, and even sent him 3 white stemmed roses saying that i was sorry that it had to end, but thankful for all the memories and love we once shared.
    call it madness but that’s what love is, isnt it?

  • Nikki

    This is so true. I am dealing with a very difficult break up and the cause for it being so bad — we both loved each other to the point of madness … I know he is no good for me, I just cant seem to find the strength to know when enough is enough. I am still thinking of ways to make this work. I feel I am at that point of madness more than ever :-( Ahhhh love, what a wicked thing.

  • Neicy

    This is totally truth! But my next question is when do you know that you have given too much??? & how do you stop?? When do you stop?? Seems like when its realized your already in too deep……….

  • Cynthia

    Love Until Madness – Did it happen to me? HELL YEAH, IT DID!!!
    I think my ex and I loved each other way too much… Regardless, if that was a good or bad thing… We ended up breaking it off… That was rough… Very ROUGH. It hurt us, a lot… Both of us. At the time, we lost ourselves in ourselves… I don’t know what happened but by the end of the relationship, we had lost sight of why we initially chose to be together…
    I’m the type that would have rather loved and lost than never loved at all… I’m happy we went through, what we had to go through together, good, bad, EVERYTHING… To be who we are today.

    • Vicky

      Yes, I've been there too, with my ex-boyfriend. We dated seriously for 5 months. He has 3 kids I have one and we were staying altogether a lot. Both of us lost ourselves in the relationship, as a result of perhaps loving each other too much. It blew up with the first sign of life stresses and he declared to me that he wasn't in love with me anymore. The relationship was very good, and the kids got along well, but when you lose yourselves in it then things will certainly go wrong. My regret in this is that we should have given ourselves more space and time just to work on ourselves. It seems to be a sad waste of a good relationship, but what can you do? Mistakes happen…learn from them.

  • http://www.amrutha92.blogspot.com amrutha

    thank u for that article.. really i know the true meaning of losing oneself to love. i’ve loved this guy since i was a middle school kid. i graduate this march..and turn 18 but im still crying for him everyday. I buy only goth looking black dresses, wear only black nail polish, always have the same hair style, eat only chinese wen i go out, stick to my diet, food, books, music……all because it was all about him. Heck! i even go to law school cuz of him. i am going mad…i cant even be myself anymore!!
    i know i have to get through this…but he’s made me into him!! i love being this way.. i love the things he likes, i love his dreams n i dont feel like being my old self. but i know i have to. Because it hurts every time my friends say “come back to us soon amru”
    PLEASE RESPOND …plz give me suggestions

    • http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

      Hi amrutha,

      You must reinvent your “old” self.

      What were your dreams and aspirations before you met him? What was your self-picture? Start there.

      Maybe you didn’t like yourself much before him, but at least it was YOU. That’s a good start to let go.

      Work on your self-love and you will start to see some improvements in your life fast.

  • Nilesh

    hi eddie, i’ve been goggling since several days to find something that can soothe my pain a little thanks. several days ago my girlfriend with whom I’ve been about 4 years text me to tell me that her parents found a boy for her and she told me to forget her, how could she do that, she told me that its impossible for her to argue with her parents, i am completely devastated i don’t know what to do, i love her so deeply, yesterday i dropped out of university because i cannot concentrate anymore, everyone keep saying get over it, how can i do that, its impossible, its seems like death don’t make me scared anymore and that is the way to erase this pain burning inside me, am feeling terribly betrayed, why people always deceives those who really care for them, i have been a faithful lover for all these years, i’ve done nothing wrong, i don’t drink or smoke, we talked several times about marriages and even the names of our kids later, we both have 21 years old, why her parents do that, we live in a modern society, we are young and she was willing to wait we finish our studies, her parents know me, i’ve been to her place several times, i hate religions and foolish tradition, what hurts me the most is that why she is not fighting for our love, all the moments we shared together, if all this was fake then when will it be real, this is a real nightmare, i can’t sleep properly nor eat, i wake up very early because of that, am very tired physically and psychologically but i can’t find sleep, i cannot bear to see her go with another one which she was forced to go, and she appears not to suffer, she is like normal, maybe she is suffering inside silently thing which i don’t have the courage to do, she is the only one i love i won’t be able to love again, am losing a big part of myself, i never knew this would end like that, everything was fine and calm between us; great chemistry, humor, laughs,etc she told me several times she wanted to marry me and that she will always love me, now its like if she is another person, i can’t recognize her, i have absolutely no courage to move forward am feeling extremely weak and i don’t want to suffer like that, this suffering is not stopping y, i hate that feeling, i can feel its changing my inner self into becoming someone evil and am noticing that am finding some re-comfort in this evil inside me, i hate myself to have fallen so low in life, my hand are shaking while am writing this, am in tears despite being a man, i’ve always been open minded but i cannot bear that pain, other people are strong enough to take that pain but not me, i planned my future for us, even started making plans for our home thats the price am paying for having been a faithful partner and a good person which above all have sacrifice so much for this love to see all that energy and time and love disappear in the end, i have no motivation now

  • lee jones

    i think its totaly true you can love to much. i meet the women 2 years ago and i was happy in a relationship and liveing with my ex, she was married and liveing with him. i fancied her for 14 months and watched from a far then one night at a party she come over and we started talking and got on really well. before i knew it we was having a affair and she told me she loved me. i was over the moon but couldnt say the same back as i was confused and wanted to be sure. the affair continued and before i knew it i was in love with her and told her. we talked and said we would both leave our partners to be together. i left mine and she half left him. i was so in love that she controled my life and before i knew i no longer did things for me because every thought i had was about her. needless to say she pushed me away and i kept coming running back but after 6 months i had hit rock bottom. it turned out that i think i become not the person she said she feel in love with but a strange person that hanged on her every word, someone who no longer was his own man but someone who had to live every waking second liveing her life. im still at rock botom and man it hurts. wheres the old me?

    @Nilesh – its the worst feeling i know.try not to beat urself up.im in the same boat but the lady in mylife has returned to her husband and left me hurt and distrote.i dont know what to suggest because im so low.do these women really have feelings?beats me.but dont say that death is the only way to take away the pain because there are people out there who love u even if its not her.

  • Sofia

    @Nilesh – Nilesh.. u seem to be an egyptian to me.. is that right?? i can understand what ur talking abt.. even the way u write, and the terms u use.. so egyptian..
    anyway, yr story is not new for me. i heard it so many times. i know how bad u feel and i know u think u’ll never heal, but the good news is YOU WILL HEAL. times heals everything.
    i just broke up with that guy that i loved so much, and my mom told me a very important thing ” everything is born so little, and grows bigger with each day, except for pain, its the only thing that is born so big, and goes smaller with every passing day. u will forget her, and u will love again.
    i know u feel betrayed, and u can’t believe that she wouldnt fight for yr love. but u should know that parents in our society (if u r from egypt or an arab country like i assume u r), parents here control our lives big time! they have a say and they take us forgranted.
    my story is similar to yrs. im divorced with 2 kids, fell in love with that guy, and gave him everything, i believe he loved me too. his parents wouldnt accept our marriage, they manipilated him and threatened him they would never talk to him again if we go through with our marriage. he wouldn’t fight for us, that hurted me a lot.
    anyway, i’m trying so hard to get ver him.. and i will eventually.
    so u have to understand that what she wants has very little to do with anything. her parents will make all most (if not all) important decisions in her life. if u’re egyptian/arab, then u should know better.
    stop feeling so bitter, and focus on yrself. be positive, and know that what doesn’t kill u makes u stronger. ur not dead, or are u? so get yrself together, and know in yr heart that u will find someone to love and love u back, and get any negatice thoughts (the evil ones u mentioned) out of yr head.
    go out with yr friends, study, play some sports. do new things, if ur from egypt, try to go to ”sa2yet el saway” in zamalek. ask about ”dragon academy” in mohandeseen and maadi where they teach u lots of interesting sports. just fill up yr time with useful stuff, Just get busy! stop feeling sorry for yrself. every ending is a new beginning to something else, but we just dont know it at the time.
    i wish u the best of luck :)

  • Angelina

    I’m a divoced mom of 2 kids,I got in love with a married father for 2 kids 2 and half years ago,he didnt wanna get a divorce due to his kids,we shared lots of harmony and emotions,he used to show lot of effort to keep me with him in the relation and he used to show me more love and attention than lately.This period of time is hurting me a lot when im feeling him so shady and ignoring our emotions,he keeps me wondering why,after all the love that i give him and he knows that i give away everything for him,i feel he is stepping back in his love towards me and that he is not giving me feelings like he used to.Im hurt and confused i think of ending this relation and tried but couldnt at all becaused it hurts so bad,and i get back to him,i think that what makes him show off,but i want him back coz i truly love him as well as i know he does too but he is not showing that no more,I need a solution to my misery im lost,its being physically more than emotionally whats between us lately and i want him to feel me again….please help

    • growing

      These stories of people being with married people makes me sick to my stomach!

  • http://www.maturebeauty.com Patty Pasadena

    I heard this saying “you get what you give”. I wonder if that is true for relationships. I enjoy reading the comments on this blog. Love your blog articles too by the way! XOXO Patty Pasadena

  • TL

    This is SO true! The one serious relationship I’ve ever had just ended. I was so madly in love with this guy that I had lost myself completely. My happiness was derived from him. And now I realize how dangerous it is to give so much power to someone to be the exclusive source of happiness in your life. Same was the case with him. Except now he doesn’t love me anymore. He cheated on me.
    I was in a long distance loving relationship with my ex for about 2 years. We broke up 10 months back because I felt too restricted, even though I loved him, I wanted to experience something new with no strings attached. So we broke up, and he was really hurt, and i felt horrible about hurting him because i cared about him immensely, he was like family to me. After which I had a random fling with a guy who I didn’t like or anything, there were no strings attached. That ended in about one month and I realized how I needed my ex back in my life because nothing compares to him. I felt horrible ofcourse about having behaved this way. It was so selfish of me. And i hurt the person who has always been there for me. I didn’t ask him to get back with me though because I wanted to be sure before making any decision this time, in order to not hurt him ever again in the future. But before I could tell him he started liking somebody else and I found out and it hurt me very much. I appologised to him, cried to him and felt way too guilty for ever breaking up with him for my temporary pleasures. I couldn’t stop blaming myself cuz I messed up first. After this he accepted my appology and said we need to give us time before we could start up again, till then he would get over this new girl he started liking. But through these 3 months of “giving us time” I felt helpless and hurt because I knew he was still continuing to flirt with that new girl and lying to me saying nothing was going on. I could feel the change in his attitude yet i couldn’t let go because i thought i owe him this wait because I did a horrible thing too and i was way too guilty about it. Then 3 months after making me wait and telling me that he will come back to me, one day he just flew off to london cooking up a story to me saying he’s going to california and would have no contact through those days. I tried to call him on his phone but he would never answer. I figured he was lying to me again and stopped calling him and waited for his call instead. One week passed and he didn’t call but finally emailed me saying i deserve better because he’s been lying to me all this while and confessed to me that he was in london and not in california with his new girlfriend. I somewhere at the back of my mind knew that he was lying to me all this while but yet waited for him because he asked me to wait and gave me hopes and accepted my appology. Now its truely over because he’s with her. But I can’t stop blaming myself because I messed up first, even though in my defence I never lied to him and didn’t deal with things this badly. But now I can’t get over how my life has changed so much in just one week. Its been 15 days since he sent me that email, I haven’t called him or contacted at all. I know I have to move on now, but I feel so terrible that I let someone so special go just because of a silly fling and I can’t stop blaming myself. Can you please tell me how to deal with this situation? Eddie I need your advice.

  • http://longdistanceandromance.blogspot.com/ Chris

    Patty,

    There’s a Bob Dylan Song that ends with the lyrics ” don’t go mistaking paradise for that home across the road.” A lot of people want to be single when they’re committed because they miss the freedom, and those same people miss the comfort and security of a relationship shortly after attaining their “freedom.” I made a similar mistake a few years ago for the same reasons you described and I regretted it for a long time after. No amount of “fun” can ever duplicate unconditional love. It seems like your ex was genuinely crushed when you dumped him to fool around, and you came back just as he was starting to get over you and move on. I am sure a part of him still felt something for you, and that’s probably why he led you on. He might have been very confused about what to do. But it sounds like a part of him just couldn’t get over the pain you caused, and he might have wanted to retaliate out of spite for it.

    The only way to “deal” with it is to be humble and accept it as a life lesson. I know it doesn’t sound pleasant, and honestly, it isn’t. But you’ll be gain the most value from this experience if you remember the consequences next time you meet someone special. When we’re in relationships, it’s not uncommon to wonder what you’re “missing out on. ” But you have to ask yourself if it’s worth missing what you already have to satisfy it.

  • Varne

    Hi Eddie,

    I heard something similar to that in a movie once, it was actually an indian movie and translated a “call girl” in the movie said to this young man who was in love with this beautiful girl “never love someone so much, that you begin to hate yourself”. I think that is the danger when you love someone too much, you put your happiness in their hands and when they leave as a person you are shattered, you blame yourself, loathe yourself, in effect hate yourself becuase you think you lost the best thing in your life becuase of who you are…. But then, how can you not love too much? I guess you are right, if you love yourself the same way then you will not be as devastated when they leave as you would not have put your happiness in their hands. Thank you for this article… i found it really inspirational.

  • trueblue

    dear eddie,

    I agree with what you said. My parents did said that to me but i never listened.

    Now, i'm left broken and depressed. It has been 4 months since my break up and i still find myself in a roller coaster of emotions. One day i'm fine the next i'm not..

    ….its so hard eddie

    wishing you all the best from ASIA :) !
    *yes your blog has reached us already cheers!

  • Arya

    I know its possible because it happened to me. I go so consumed, that I didnt realise how a year slipped by and almost brought me to my ruins.

    Heartbreaks can be devastating, especially if you never thought that you could fall in love, and if you DIDNT KNOW that you were suffering from a heartbreak.

    My heartfelt congrats to all those who've experienced the madness of love, suffered in its aftermath, and come out of it.

  • Revmdn

    I think that is what happened to me also. My ex loved me to much. Then when she realized it was a bad thing and started getting a grip on herself, I started loving her too much to compensate and show her we were worth it. Now with her gone, I'm left with only the agony, no love. Trying to love myself again.

  • Queen 843

    it is possible.. i just lost my son last month, my water broke and he could'nt be saved.. my son's father was the love of my life..but he left me alone in the hospital, as i waited for him i began to cry… five years of my life with this man and he has been leaving in and out of my life.. and i always seem to take him back.. i just love him too much , it hurts everyday.. i am so broken inside, he made me feel worthless and rejected. I've been trying to over come it but it's so hard.. I call him and text him just to see if he cares. I need to know some steps that will help me get pass the pain and move on with my life… thank you for hearing me out…

  • iqraa

    yes it is…i love someone to madness. crazily. and yes ur girlfriend's grandfather said it so right. it destroys u. and i have destroyed myself. im not living but surviving only now…i wish someone could help me…or maybe i could help myself…

  • Infinity

    It is very true. It happened to me.

  • Alphonse

    Absolutely!! And only can say this now due to my recent break-up. We were very much in love, or so I thought. The sex and Intimacy were out of this world off the charts. Which blinded me to her insecurities and Jealousy. I mistook her jealousy and loving attention. This relationship was 2 years long as we both were separated from our souses at the time, Once my divorce was finial she forbid me to talk to my Ex. My Ex and I have 2 children, and are doing our best to Co-Parent. This is imposable with out communication. This was finally not the red flag I should have seen earlier but a huge red beacon flashing at me. I can now look back and honestly admit to Loving her too much and allowing myself to not be treated with the respect we all deserve. I definitely was no longer my self in the final 8 months of that relationship. I certainly miss the great times we had, but it is very clear to me that was not the right person for me and HOPEFULLY learned a valuable lesson. Always; “To thine own self be true!”

  • Presunto

    What about obsession and controlling relationships? This site is too useful but it seems it's just about “average” break ups. Some of us have had to literally “run away” from a freaky partner…..

  • Sweet68november

    You learn by loving and giving, sometimes we meet people throughout our journey in life, that have learned these lessons,you were able to hear the the words, embeded them in your mind, a diaster waiting to happen,months later it did, any message when well received can be learned from someone who has treaded down the same path, to shed light on your own personal love disaster, we can only know and learn these lessons on our own,trust and do anything in life with all your heart,

    but it is always better if he/she loves you more…

  • guest

    Hey ppl! Everyone here is talking just about someone whom he has lost! About someone whom s/he used to love!!! Why ppl realize how much they loved only after hey lose their partner??? Nobody writes how mad s/he is in love now!!! That is what ppl should try to do! To feel all the love deep inside when they through it and not when they brake up! I came p with this articles because I want to keep my love so big and forver now, when I have it! And hope I will not use it! Just think like this and then maybe less suffer will be ;)

    • bc

      i believe we do love to much, I am madly deeply in love with someone now and have been for 8 years, I know he feels to same but it scares him. He said he loves me then threw it back in my face by saying he using me.. almost to justify himself and his feelings.

      I hope we don’t break up after all this time, as they say time will tell.

  • Mandaholaway

    I absolutely think it's possible to love too much until madness. I have always had a big heart and always dreamed of one day finding somebody to give all that love I had to. At 20, I dated my first boyfriend and we dated for about 2 and a half years. I fell so completely in love with him. Not because he was the perfect guy for me (he really wasn't…) but because I felt like I found somebody to give away all that love that I had. I have always been a very independent girl and I never expected myself to get to the point of “love” and “madness” that I did with my ex. But, as they say, love makes you do crazy things. I lost myself in him. Everything was about him. I dedicated all my time and energy to him. I would cancel activities with friends, stay out late when I had work the next morning-all to be with him. I spent so much money on him. Doing those things for him made ME happy though. At the end of our relationship, I could clearly see that I loved him more than he loved me. The things I was willing to do for him went far beyond what he was willing to do for me. It was almost a one way street with our relationship. I lost it when we broke up. I felt like my world came to an end because I became dependent on him to make me happy. I wish I hadn't lost myself in the relationship like I did. I believe had I not loved too much, I would have been able to cope easier. There is nothing wrong with loving, but never forget yourself in the process. There IS a world outside of your significant other. In my next relationship, I now know how to and how to not act. Ever life experience is a blessing in disguise. It makes you the person you are and helps you to make better decisions.

  • Juli

    i find it quite interesting that this story is so similar to my own love story. When i was in High School I also met a turkish guy and we fell in love. It was great while it lasted, i had never met somebody like him and i loved him soooooooooo much that i can't even explain. Unfortunately i loved him too much and when our relationship ended i lost myself. I went through depression and just couldn't get my life back. Sadly until today i can't say that i have completely forgotten about him :(

  • Vballgrl769

    Yes it is definitely possible to love too much. My ex-boyfriend and I were together over 2 years. We talked about marriage and kids and lived through each other but I completely lost who I was. Before we dated I was all about my friends and never sat home for 1 night. He was the guy I had loved all through high school and when I got my chance to be with him I took it.. little did I know that I would throw away everything for him. I blew off my friends and lied to them because I knew they would be upset if they knew I was with him. He didn’t like my friends and my friends didn’t like him. I wouldn’t believe anything bad that they told me about him and gave him everything I had. Soon I realized, when my friends would stop calling, that I had started to lose everything. When my boyfriend went on vacation and I had a chance to spend time with my friends I realized what I had done. I broke it off right away and blamed it on him for pulling me away from my friends because I was looking at any reason to get out. I was truly as deeply in love with him as it is possible to be with one person and will always wonder if I made the right choice, but I have found myself again and regained the friendships that I regretfully threw away at one point in time. It is definitely possible to love until madness.