“There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.”
– Friedrich Nietzsche
Let me tell you a little story about my visit to the mountains of Turkey many years ago.
I met this beautiful, intelligent girl from Turkey, with crazy dark curly hair. We had this great relationship going, and one day she asked me if I would like to learn her origins and travel to Turkey with her.
I said “of course,” and the next thing I know I was on sitting on an airplane on my way to Anatolia, (the mountain region of Turkey).
Over the next few days, she showed me her beautiful country, full of friendly people and breathtaking scenery.
We were on a mountain trip looking for her hometown when she suddenly asked me:
“How do you like my village?”
“What village?” I asked. “You mean the three cabins over there?”
“Yes, kind of ” she replied, “this is where my parents grew up. My origins are right over there” .
We went to visit her grandparents.
They were living in a very small house, which decayed from the outside, but was surprisingly comfortable and well furnished on the inside. Not to our Western standards, of course, but adequate and pleasant.
Her grandparents were very nice, but somewhat scary people.
Do you know the type of seniors, who seem to be able to look you in the eye and know everything about you?
What you are thinking, what you've done, what you will do?
All of the world’s wisdom seemed to lie in them.
Especially her grandpa, with his white beard and stabbing blue eyes, as if he had jumped out of a fantasy movie.
Scary.
And I was sitting in front of them as the boyfriend of their loving grandchild.
After some meaningless chitchat, where no more than “yes” or “no” left my lips, her grandpa said something that I will never forget my whole life.
They seemed to have noticed that we were very in love – it was written all over us.
He said with a meaningful attitude and very earnest, if not threatening:
“Pay attention that you do not love too much. It's never good to love someone too much” .
Then he stood up, walked to his grandchild, kissed her gently and left the room, without looking at me once.
Needless to say, I was quite shocked.
“What did he mean by that?” I asked my girlfriend later.
“You have to find out by yourself” , she replied. “My grandpa says mysterious things all the time. People are coming to him and asking for his advice all over the country. When he says something like this, it always has some meaning.”
Never love too much.It didn't make sense to me.
To love someone was, for me, the ultimate altruistic gift you could possibly give.
I desperately wanted to do that, to love someone until madness. It was my personal goal.
The Turkish girl and I broke up months after that for various reasons, to my regret, but I never stopped thinking about this strange event that happened in the mountains of Turkey.
A few years later I would find out the meaning of this sentence, and what it meant to me, in the most painful way.
After that devastating breakup I experienced, I suddenly realized why it is bad to have loved TOO MUCH, and it made perfect sense to me.
It's bad because I lost myself completely.
I lived through the other person, defined my happiness by the other person, and connected all my future and past to her.
That is loving TOO MUCH.
Every time you find yourself disconnected from the person you really are because of the relationship, then you love too much, and it WILL lead to disaster.
Of course, I do NOT mean that you shouldn't give all the love you have, you definitely shouldn't hold anything back, but don't lose the person you are over it.
This is MY personal truth and interpretation of that mysterious phrase I heard so many years ago.
Do you think that it's possible to love too much, until madness? I'd love to read your opinion in the comment section.
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
It is very true. It happened to me.
yes it is…i love someone to madness. crazily. and yes ur girlfriend's grandfather said it so right. it destroys u. and i have destroyed myself. im not living but surviving only now…i wish someone could help me…or maybe i could help myself…
it is possible.. i just lost my son last month, my water broke and he could'nt be saved.. my son's father was the love of my life..but he left me alone in the hospital, as i waited for him i began to cry… five years of my life with this man and he has been leaving in and out of my life.. and i always seem to take him back.. i just love him too much , it hurts everyday.. i am so broken inside, he made me feel worthless and rejected. I've been trying to over come it but it's so hard.. I call him and text him just to see if he cares. I need to know some steps that will help me get pass the pain and move on with my life… thank you for hearing me out…
I think that is what happened to me also. My ex loved me to much. Then when she realized it was a bad thing and started getting a grip on herself, I started loving her too much to compensate and show her we were worth it. Now with her gone, I'm left with only the agony, no love. Trying to love myself again.
I know its possible because it happened to me. I go so consumed, that I didnt realise how a year slipped by and almost brought me to my ruins.
Heartbreaks can be devastating, especially if you never thought that you could fall in love, and if you DIDNT KNOW that you were suffering from a heartbreak.
My heartfelt congrats to all those who've experienced the madness of love, suffered in its aftermath, and come out of it.
dear eddie,
I agree with what you said. My parents did said that to me but i never listened.
Now, i'm left broken and depressed. It has been 4 months since my break up and i still find myself in a roller coaster of emotions. One day i'm fine the next i'm not..
….its so hard eddie
wishing you all the best from ASIA :)!
*yes your blog has reached us already cheers!
Hi Eddie,
I heard something similar to that in a movie once, it was actually an indian movie and translated a “call girl” in the movie said to this young man who was in love with this beautiful girl “never love someone so much, that you begin to hate yourself”. I think that is the danger when you love someone too much, you put your happiness in their hands and when they leave as a person you are shattered, you blame yourself, loathe yourself, in effect hate yourself becuase you think you lost the best thing in your life becuase of who you are…. But then, how can you not love too much? I guess you are right, if you love yourself the same way then you will not be as devastated when they leave as you would not have put your happiness in their hands. Thank you for this article… i found it really inspirational.
Patty,
There’s a Bob Dylan Song that ends with the lyrics ” don’t go mistaking paradise for that home across the road.” A lot of people want to be single when they’re committed because they miss the freedom, and those same people miss the comfort and security of a relationship shortly after attaining their “freedom.” I made a similar mistake a few years ago for the same reasons you described and I regretted it for a long time after. No amount of “fun” can ever duplicate unconditional love. It seems like your ex was genuinely crushed when you dumped him to fool around, and you came back just as he was starting to get over you and move on. I am sure a part of him still felt something for you, and that’s probably why he led you on. He might have been very confused about what to do. But it sounds like a part of him just couldn’t get over the pain you caused, and he might have wanted to retaliate out of spite for it.
The only way to “deal” with it is to be humble and accept it as a life lesson. I know it doesn’t sound pleasant, and honestly, it isn’t. But you’ll be gain the most value from this experience if you remember the consequences next time you meet someone special. When we’re in relationships, it’s not uncommon to wonder what you’re “missing out on. ” But you have to ask yourself if it’s worth missing what you already have to satisfy it.
This is SO true! The one serious relationship I’ve ever had just ended. I was so madly in love with this guy that I had lost myself completely. My happiness was derived from him. And now I realize how dangerous it is to give so much power to someone to be the exclusive source of happiness in your life. Same was the case with him. Except now he doesn’t love me anymore. He cheated on me.
I was in a long distance loving relationship with my ex for about 2 years. We broke up 10 months back because I felt too restricted, even though I loved him, I wanted to experience something new with no strings attached. So we broke up, and he was really hurt, and i felt horrible about hurting him because i cared about him immensely, he was like family to me. After which I had a random fling with a guy who I didn’t like or anything, there were no strings attached. That ended in about one month and I realized how I needed my ex back in my life because nothing compares to him. I felt horrible ofcourse about having behaved this way. It was so selfish of me. And i hurt the person who has always been there for me. I didn’t ask him to get back with me though because I wanted to be sure before making any decision this time, in order to not hurt him ever again in the future. But before I could tell him he started liking somebody else and I found out and it hurt me very much. I appologised to him, cried to him and felt way too guilty for ever breaking up with him for my temporary pleasures. I couldn’t stop blaming myself cuz I messed up first. After this he accepted my appology and said we need to give us time before we could start up again, till then he would get over this new girl he started liking. But through these 3 months of “giving us time” I felt helpless and hurt because I knew he was still continuing to flirt with that new girl and lying to me saying nothing was going on. I could feel the change in his attitude yet i couldn’t let go because i thought i owe him this wait because I did a horrible thing too and i was way too guilty about it. Then 3 months after making me wait and telling me that he will come back to me, one day he just flew off to london cooking up a story to me saying he’s going to california and would have no contact through those days. I tried to call him on his phone but he would never answer. I figured he was lying to me again and stopped calling him and waited for his call instead. One week passed and he didn’t call but finally emailed me saying i deserve better because he’s been lying to me all this while and confessed to me that he was in london and not in california with his new girlfriend. I somewhere at the back of my mind knew that he was lying to me all this while but yet waited for him because he asked me to wait and gave me hopes and accepted my appology. Now its truely over because he’s with her. But I can’t stop blaming myself because I messed up first, even though in my defence I never lied to him and didn’t deal with things this badly. But now I can’t get over how my life has changed so much in just one week. Its been 15 days since he sent me that email, I haven’t called him or contacted at all. I know I have to move on now, but I feel so terrible that I let someone so special go just because of a silly fling and I can’t stop blaming myself. Can you please tell me how to deal with this situation? Eddie I need your advice.
I heard this saying “you get what you give”. I wonder if that is true for relationships. I enjoy reading the comments on this blog. Love your blog articles too by the way! XOXO Patty Pasadena
I’m a divoced mom of 2 kids,I got in love with a married father for 2 kids 2 and half years ago,he didnt wanna get a divorce due to his kids,we shared lots of harmony and emotions,he used to show lot of effort to keep me with him in the relation and he used to show me more love and attention than lately.This period of time is hurting me a lot when im feeling him so shady and ignoring our emotions,he keeps me wondering why,after all the love that i give him and he knows that i give away everything for him,i feel he is stepping back in his love towards me and that he is not giving me feelings like he used to.Im hurt and confused i think of ending this relation and tried but couldnt at all becaused it hurts so bad,and i get back to him,i think that what makes him show off,but i want him back coz i truly love him as well as i know he does too but he is not showing that no more,I need a solution to my misery im lost,its being physically more than emotionally whats between us lately and i want him to feel me again….please help
These stories of people being with married people makes me sick to my stomach!
@Nilesh – Nilesh.. u seem to be an egyptian to me.. is that right?? i can understand what ur talking abt.. even the way u write, and the terms u use.. so egyptian..
anyway, yr story is not new for me. i heard it so many times. i know how bad u feel and i know u think u’ll never heal, but the good news is YOU WILL HEAL. times heals everything.
i just broke up with that guy that i loved so much, and my mom told me a very important thing ” everything is born so little, and grows bigger with each day, except for pain, its the only thing that is born so big, and goes smaller with every passing day. u will forget her, and u will love again.
i know u feel betrayed, and u can’t believe that she wouldnt fight for yr love. but u should know that parents in our society (if u r from egypt or an arab country like i assume u r), parents here control our lives big time! they have a say and they take us forgranted.
my story is similar to yrs. im divorced with 2 kids, fell in love with that guy, and gave him everything, i believe he loved me too. his parents wouldnt accept our marriage, they manipilated him and threatened him they would never talk to him again if we go through with our marriage. he wouldn’t fight for us, that hurted me a lot.
anyway, i’m trying so hard to get ver him.. and i will eventually.
so u have to understand that what she wants has very little to do with anything. her parents will make all most (if not all) important decisions in her life. if u’re egyptian/arab, then u should know better.
stop feeling so bitter, and focus on yrself. be positive, and know that what doesn’t kill u makes u stronger. ur not dead, or are u? so get yrself together, and know in yr heart that u will find someone to love and love u back, and get any negatice thoughts (the evil ones u mentioned) out of yr head.
go out with yr friends, study, play some sports. do new things, if ur from egypt, try to go to ”sa2yet el saway” in zamalek. ask about ”dragon academy” in mohandeseen and maadi where they teach u lots of interesting sports. just fill up yr time with useful stuff, Just get busy! stop feeling sorry for yrself. every ending is a new beginning to something else, but we just dont know it at the time.
i wish u the best of luck 🙂
i think its totaly true you can love to much. i meet the women 2 years ago and i was happy in a relationship and liveing with my ex, she was married and liveing with him. i fancied her for 14 months and watched from a far then one night at a party she come over and we started talking and got on really well. before i knew it we was having a affair and she told me she loved me. i was over the moon but couldnt say the same back as i was confused and wanted to be sure. the affair continued and before i knew it i was in love with her and told her. we talked and said we would both leave our partners to be together. i left mine and she half left him. i was so in love that she controled my life and before i knew i no longer did things for me because every thought i had was about her. needless to say she pushed me away and i kept coming running back but after 6 months i had hit rock bottom. it turned out that i think i become not the person she said she feel in love with but a strange person that hanged on her every word, someone who no longer was his own man but someone who had to live every waking second liveing her life. im still at rock botom and man it hurts. wheres the old me?
@Nilesh – its the worst feeling i know.try not to beat urself up.im in the same boat but the lady in mylife has returned to her husband and left me hurt and distrote.i dont know what to suggest because im so low.do these women really have feelings?beats me.but dont say that death is the only way to take away the pain because there are people out there who love u even if its not her.
hi eddie, i’ve been goggling since several days to find something that can soothe my pain a little thanks. several days ago my girlfriend with whom I’ve been about 4 years text me to tell me that her parents found a boy for her and she told me to forget her, how could she do that, she told me that its impossible for her to argue with her parents, i am completely devastated i don’t know what to do, i love her so deeply, yesterday i dropped out of university because i cannot concentrate anymore, everyone keep saying get over it, how can i do that, its impossible, its seems like death don’t make me scared anymore and that is the way to erase this pain burning inside me, am feeling terribly betrayed, why people always deceives those who really care for them, i have been a faithful lover for all these years, i’ve done nothing wrong, i don’t drink or smoke, we talked several times about marriages and even the names of our kids later, we both have 21 years old, why her parents do that, we live in a modern society, we are young and she was willing to wait we finish our studies, her parents know me, i’ve been to her place several times, i hate religions and foolish tradition, what hurts me the most is that why she is not fighting for our love, all the moments we shared together, if all this was fake then when will it be real, this is a real nightmare, i can’t sleep properly nor eat, i wake up very early because of that, am very tired physically and psychologically but i can’t find sleep, i cannot bear to see her go with another one which she was forced to go, and she appears not to suffer, she is like normal, maybe she is suffering inside silently thing which i don’t have the courage to do, she is the only one i love i won’t be able to love again, am losing a big part of myself, i never knew this would end like that, everything was fine and calm between us; great chemistry, humor, laughs,etc she told me several times she wanted to marry me and that she will always love me, now its like if she is another person, i can’t recognize her, i have absolutely no courage to move forward am feeling extremely weak and i don’t want to suffer like that, this suffering is not stopping y, i hate that feeling, i can feel its changing my inner self into becoming someone evil and am noticing that am finding some re-comfort in this evil inside me, i hate myself to have fallen so low in life, my hand are shaking while am writing this, am in tears despite being a man, i’ve always been open minded but i cannot bear that pain, other people are strong enough to take that pain but not me, i planned my future for us, even started making plans for our home thats the price am paying for having been a faithful partner and a good person which above all have sacrifice so much for this love to see all that energy and time and love disappear in the end, i have no motivation now
Dear Nilesh,
How are u now. Please come back here and tell all of us.
thank u for that article.. really i know the true meaning of losing oneself to love. i’ve loved this guy since i was a middle school kid. i graduate this march..and turn 18 but im still crying for him everyday. I buy only goth looking black dresses, wear only black nail polish, always have the same hair style, eat only chinese wen i go out, stick to my diet, food, books, music……all because it was all about him. Heck! i even go to law school cuz of him. i am going mad…i cant even be myself anymore!!
i know i have to get through this…but he’s made me into him!! i love being this way.. i love the things he likes, i love his dreams n i dont feel like being my old self. but i know i have to. Because it hurts every time my friends say “come back to us soon amru”
PLEASE RESPOND …plz give me suggestions
Hi amrutha,
You must reinvent your “old” self.
What were your dreams and aspirations before you met him? What was your self-picture? Start there.
Maybe you didn’t like yourself much before him, but at least it was YOU. That’s a good start to let go.
Work on your self-love and you will start to see some improvements in your life fast.
Love Until Madness – Did it happen to me? HELL YEAH, IT DID!!!
I think my ex and I loved each other way too much… Regardless, if that was a good or bad thing… We ended up breaking it off… That was rough… Very ROUGH. It hurt us, a lot… Both of us. At the time, we lost ourselves in ourselves… I don’t know what happened but by the end of the relationship, we had lost sight of why we initially chose to be together…
I’m the type that would have rather loved and lost than never loved at all… I’m happy we went through, what we had to go through together, good, bad, EVERYTHING… To be who we are today.
Yes, I've been there too, with my ex-boyfriend. We dated seriously for 5 months. He has 3 kids I have one and we were staying altogether a lot. Both of us lost ourselves in the relationship, as a result of perhaps loving each other too much. It blew up with the first sign of life stresses and he declared to me that he wasn't in love with me anymore. The relationship was very good, and the kids got along well, but when you lose yourselves in it then things will certainly go wrong. My regret in this is that we should have given ourselves more space and time just to work on ourselves. It seems to be a sad waste of a good relationship, but what can you do? Mistakes happen…learn from them.
This is totally truth! But my next question is when do you know that you have given too much??? & how do you stop?? When do you stop?? Seems like when its realized your already in too deep……….
This is so true. I am dealing with a very difficult break up and the cause for it being so bad — we both loved each other to the point of madness … I know he is no good for me, I just cant seem to find the strength to know when enough is enough. I am still thinking of ways to make this work. I feel I am at that point of madness more than ever 🙁 Ahhhh love, what a wicked thing.
it happens to everybody… i just recently broke up with my long distance boyfriend. i was mad and crazy, spent long hours goggling how to recovery from a breakup, one of the articles and answers I’ve stumbled upon was from a guy name THE REAL: “Some people know its true love after questioning themselves and coming up with valid answers. For others we know its true love by taking a leap of faith willing to embrace the idea that we may end up with a broken heart. Those who risk it all to find love are usually the ones who find love in its totality”
love is the most beautiful thing in the world, and to find love, to be able to feel it, and share it even though it didn’t worked out how you wanted it to be – you felt it and shared it with someone.
and in some way, you may have touched this person’s life and he/she have touched yours. life is unpredictable, and there are always a lot of risk, full of happiness and sadness. we must embrace it and learn from it and remember it. and so is it with love…
i have not yet gotten over him, and even sent him 3 white stemmed roses saying that i was sorry that it had to end, but thankful for all the memories and love we once shared.
call it madness but that’s what love is, isnt it?
Hasher, you are not alone in this feeling, my friend. I lost my best friend, the love of my life, maybe because she lost herself at first, and then later in the 5 year relationship I lost myself. Once she had regained her sense of self, perhaps in the last two years or so of the relationship, she drifted away from me, ever so slowly. At the end, I was desparate to hold on. But she did not want it, or me, or the “person” we created together in our love (not a baby, just the melding of two hearts into one, you know). I had to let her go. It was devastating when I let her go in February. To this day I grieve and pray the pain ends soon. But perhaps it is only through the pain that we learn to not make the same mistake in loving again. Loving too hard/much gives the impression of trying to control the other and they feel smothered. Eventually this will damage the relationship. If only… if only…. if only I knew and understood then (five or six years ago) what I understand now.