Preface from Eddie Corbano: Narcissists are out there and they need to be recognized and exposed. I knew they existed, but never had an idea of the devastation they could create in other people's lives. Until I read Marce's post about her personal experiences with a narcissist.
It was in fact so helpful, that I asked her to write a whole article on the topic to educate people what narcissists are and what they do… and most of all – to help you identify if your Ex was one of them.
This is an article in two parts, starting with Marce's story – her suffering, her attempts to fix things and ultimately… how she got out.
You will find that the following is written from a very subjective, personal point of view, and this is exactly what makes it so helpful and valuable.
Please read this. This is a MUST for everyone.
Narcissism:
“A pattern of traits and behaviors which signify infatuation and obsession with one's self to the exclusion of all others and the egotistic and ruthless pursuit of one's gratification, dominance, and ambition.”
He laughed the most beguiling and gentle laugh.
‘Of course, you are,' he replied. ‘I understand perfectly because I'm in love with myself. The fact that I'm not transfixed in front of the nearest mirror takes a great deal of self-control.'
It was my turn to laugh.”
– Anne Rice, Blackwood Farm
By Marce.
My life with a Narcissist – A Personal Story
In the beginning, he was considerate, understanding, charming, suave, loving, and this is what “sucked” me in.
I WAS IN LOVE – hook, line and sinker.
The Suck In
The relationship was intense and romantic, and he wanted to spend most of his free time with me. He called me pet names like “Princess” and “gorgeous.”
He told me that I was beautiful and “just perfect.” He made me feel secure in the relationship and said things like, “he would ALWAYS be there for me” – he was going nowhere.
He kept telling me how much he loved me, and needed me, and that he had never met, (or found), anyone like me.
However, this was short-lived because, after the “honeymoon” or “sucking in” stage, the tables turned.
Why?
Well, Narcissists love the “honeymoon” stage where they can just have fun and not be responsible or accountable for anything. Nor do they have to deal with any REAL issues that are necessary to take the relationship to a deeper emotional level.
He loved the romance, adoration, admiration, and uplifting that I gave to him… and I think he thought he had found THE ONE who would tolerate his weirdness without questioning it.
In the beginning stages of our relationship, I NEVER questioned anything because I loved him and completely trusted him. What I did not know at the time is that he did not have the ability, or willingness, to move past this stage of the relationship and that soon he would get bored.
He groomed me and trained me up to be the perfect source of his narcissistic supply – in fact, he even told others in my presence “she is in training.”
He also told me on occasion that I continued to “pass” all the tests he'd set for me. When asked what he meant, he changed the subject and said, “I just can't fault you in any way.”
I would laugh coyly, but little did I know that he actually meant it – he was training me up and he was testing me ALL the time to see if I fitted in with his plans.
Getting his attention and love made me very happy – so in reply, being his constant source of attention, sex, affection and nurturing was absolutely no problem for me at all, and in fact was very easy for me to do naturally.
I loved him, and I wanted him to be as happy as I was.
The Devaluing
So what happened after the “honeymoon” stage?
“Was it something I said?”
I saw a change in him which resulted in a change in me.
I was still his eager, willing, worthless, doting floor mat – BUT I started asking questions because things did not seem right in the relationship.
Although I DID take this very personally at the time and thought I was doing something wrong, and it was ME that was the problem. I also felt that perhaps I had failed to do something that I should have done or said.
Was it something I said?
So I would re-hash conversations over and over again in my head. For FEAR of losing the love of my life, I used to end up apologizing for something that was NOT my fault, and that I did NOT cause or create.
In fact, often I did not even know WHY or WHAT I was apologizing for, but I did it anyway because I did not want to lose him.
Then I started to see a side of him that created so much confusion for me.
With no valid reason, he started distancing himself from me, failing to keep arrangements that we had made, he seemed distracted and would make excuses.
When I tried to establish what was going on and told him I felt we needed to talk about things, he quickly distracted me by sidestepping the questions. (Narcs are brilliant at dodging questions that they do not want to answer, or in fact, cannot answer, on important issues that affect you).
One time after probing, he admitted that he had changed towards me, but offered no explanation or a valid reason why.
He made me feel like I was going crazy, especially when I caught him out in a lie. In fact he would often say things like, “You are insane!” or, “You are always looking for problems!” or, “If that's the way you feel about it, let's call it a day!” or, “You have no idea what you are talking about!” or, “Don't you trust me?!”.
Narcs are very subtle liars – they simply omit information and say things like, “You took it out of context” or, “I never said that.”
A few more classic examples are, “You read into everything I say and hear things that are not even there” or, “The reason I never told you the truth is because you always react just like this.”
One of my best was, “But I told you,” when we BOTH know he never did!
“He made me feel like I was insane and was suffering from short-term memory loss”
So yes, he made me feel like I was insane and was suffering from short term memory loss, and all this made me paranoid, distrustful of him, insecure, sad, out of control, fearful, drained, lethargic and vulnerable.
AWFUL feelings to have, especially since I was never normally like that.
He just became a LOT of hard work and was high maintenance – I felt that he was not putting any effort into the relationship and that I had to do all the hard work to keep us together.
The only thing I was 100% sure of during this devaluing stage, was that I loved him even more, (now that is insane, isn't it?).
And so I carried on like this, even though there were so many unanswered questions and concerns I had.
Deep down I KNEW things were not right – but I could not put my finger on the exact problem, though. He created smoke screens, and I so wanted to trust him.
So I kept trying to “behave” and in the process I neglected my job, never met up with friends much, refused to go out at night in case he made contact with me – my personality changed, (I became an introvert).
And worst of all, I became complacent.
It was okay to be ignored, it was okay for me to do things I would never normally do, (even sexually), it was okay for him not to call or to go out of his way for me, or it was okay for him to disappear from time to time, it was okay for him to forget my birthday.
I also made up excuses for him in my mind to make myself feel better. I lied to myself that it was not his fault or that he has so much to deal with or that he has lots of stress.
The bottom line here is that he conditioned me to accept his bad behavior, and not to question him or show how upset it made me that he did this to me – because he was NORMAL and I was the INSANE one with unreasonable demands.
So I ended up turning a blind eye and pretty much suffered alone.
I allowed my boundaries to be bent – I allowed him to overstep the line.
He once said to me, “Why do you allow me to abuse you? Would you take this crap from anyone else?” To which I answered, “No I wouldn't, and it's because I understand you and love you.”
I was his perfect supply.
What I found was that as long as I was submissive, made his life fun, praised him and gave him ALL the attention without expecting or demanding anything in return, things went well.
The moment I started to express my dislike of something, disagreed with him or if I expressed my own opinion that may not have coincided with his, I became a THREAT to his perfect world of control.
The Break-Up – Dealing With The Aftermath
That's when he went “cold” on me, giving me the silent treatment.
I was cut off and abandoned, (he ran away – disappeared) – which is the only way a Narc knows how to deal with this, and also his way of punishing you for non-compliance.
With a Narc, it's all about HIM, HIS day, HIS life, HIS ambitions, what HE is doing or going to do. He feels he is entitled to constant attention without having to invest anything more into the relationship other than the initial time it took him to “suck you in.”
Why?
Because that's what he wants, that's what he expects.
“He was looking for unconditional love, but was totally incapable of giving it back in return”
And the worst thing is that you have to tolerate his indiscretions and his unacceptable behavior.
Of course, this is an unrealistic game to play in the REAL world, and I started to realize that that was all it was to him – a GAME.
To add to the confusion, he would come back days or weeks or months after having disappeared telling me he loved me.
He did say, “I will always come back because I just can't stay away from you,” but I figured out that it is NOT the kind of love NORMAL people are familiar with.
He was looking for unconditional love but was totally incapable of giving it back in return. He wanted HIS needs met but didn't give a damn about what I needed. He loved the way I made him feel, and he loved the way he made me feel – desperate and needy and stupid because that puts him in CONTROL.
So you may be asking: “Are you telling me he never loved you and never had any real feelings for you?”
Yes, of course, he had real feelings for me, but they sure as hell were NOT love.
After my research on Narcissists, I learned that they only love to the extent that they are ABLE to love.
I say this because love does not USE people, love does not ABUSE people, love does not DEVALUE people and love does not DISCARD or ABANDON people and toss them to the side like rubbish.
I, (the dumpee), was devastated and emotionally I had been reduced to a mere “zombie” of my former self.
I immediately started researching everything and anything on “relationships,” “men who just disappear,” “booty calls,” “will he come back to me,” “no contact,” “how long would I have to wait,” “what must I do,” etc.
Every day I learned something new – but the articles, although very valuable and informative, just didn't quite fit his profile and/or our situation in its entirety.
Click here to read part two: My Life With A Narcissist – What I've Learned
Quick question.
How do you deal with everything when there is severe abuse involved?
I had to go stay because my ex threatened to harm familymembers, my 60 days of no contact involved me still living with him getting abused. And no there where no ways out.
He wanted to keep me as he saw me change back to myself, I threw him out of my life entirely but there is nothing making me heal faster as today.
Still have to meet him at court, deal with him and his lies about me and what I am according to him.
Thank you for writing this, it describes my experience as nearly as I have ever seen. Narc announced he was done with our 13 years of marriage on the first day of our Christmas vacation last year, but would still fly with the kids and I to see my family for the holidays just to “make it easier on me”. No explanation, no wanting to try counseling or anything. He moved out the day we got back. I stumbled upon his long term betrayal and affair on New Years Eve. One hellish year later were still locked in battle.
It never occurred to me my ex is a narcissist. Is he? Or was I just a rebound for his own broken heart? Here’s my story:
We met in Oct 2013 by chance at a bar. I wasn’t looking…I was in an on and off relationship of 7+ years, at the time in an “off” period.
He was charming and chased me. I found out by mistake (he let it slip) that he had just broken up with his GF of 4 years less than 2 weeks before we met. He had moved out of the GF’s house and in with his mom. He lied about this (I later realized). He said he was living with friends, so he always came to my place, but really he was living with his mother. I chalked up the lie to pride…he didn’t want to admit living with mom to a new girl.
I fell hopelessly in love…he consumed my every thought. But it was always weird, he would never express affection or talk about feelings. He just gave an “I really like you” vibe. But he was always guarded about it, careful never to get too close to me. We rarely talked on the phone, it was always texting. There was nothing romantic or affectionate about him–we were more “pals” and the sex was amazing
Three months in, I got courage to ask the “what are we” question. He said he couldn’t give me commitment. I asked him to leave, but the NC never lasted. He would text, I would cave and respond, we’d have sex, and it would all start again.
The confusing part? He was either really interested in spending time with me (even introduced me to his whole family) but NOT interested in sex during those times…then he would get distant and there was no “quality time” but a whole lot of sex.
It’s like he couldn’t do both at the same time–be physically AND emotionally close to me. I could feel his feelings for me, but he never expressed them. EVER. I would tell him I wasn’t a booty call, tell him my feelings, tell him I needed more, ask him why he was so hot-and-cold with me…but he would never respond. He’d either ignore me for days or weeks, or he’d respond as if I never just said what I said (it was always texting, he simply would not have a verbal conversation with me about anything “important.”)
This went on for 2 years. I would’ve done anything for him and started doing things I don’t normally do. It was confusing as I never knew where we stood…I’d ask but he would never answer. He would send a million mixed messages. One week I got all kinds of his attention, then suddenly he didn’t have time.
Recently, things heated up more than they ever had. Suddenly we were inseparable and he was paying attention, acting like he actually wanted to be with me in a relationship. I was ecstatic! He invited me to his best friend’s wedding where he was best man. I saw this as a HUGE step! He was finally acknowledging me! We met friends one weekend at a campground and when someone asked if I was his GF, he said, “Yea, kinda.” This was the closest he’d ever come to commitment or expressing a desire to be committed to me.
Those few weeks were amazing–he really wanted to be with me! Emotionally, that was. Sex just stopped COLD. Nothing for 2 months; he just wasn’t interested. But he wanted to spend time with me, so I accepted no sex just to get his attention and time.This was also very confusing, because without going into TMI…when were being sexual, he was REALLY into it. Then when he didn’t want sex, he REALLY didn’t want it and made this very clear.
Then I had a major blow in my life–I was laid off from my job of 15 years. He texted back something like “damn, I’m sorry,” and that was about all I got. I desperately wanted to talk to him…see him…hear his words of encouragement and support. Nothing. Honestly, it’s been that way for 2 years. He never asked about me, my life, my interests, my goals in life, etc. But he did talk a lot about himself.
It’s just so confusing because he is NOT a vain or self-centered person. He’s very humble, lives simply, pays his bills, close to his family, shows kindness and compassion. But with me? It’s like there was a wall up I was never getting past.
After the news about my job and no support from him, I again tried having the talk…it was a fail. It always had to be on a text message, he would never talk in person. Then I finally said I loved him–texted it, as pathetic as that is. He never even acknowledged it. I told him that it messed me up to hear from him–that i needed to move on if he couldn’t commit. I told him I wouldn’t be his booty call anymore.
And the next morning? He “sexts” as if he never heard any of my heart-wrenching words. I told him I was hurting and that he was playing with my emotions. He would never acknowledge any of it, just come back a week or two later with more sexual texting. (Because now we weren’t “spending time” together as “couple,” so now he wanted me physically again.)
I do not contact him, but I still have a hard time not responding to his texts. I don’t know if he is just a selfish narcissist or someone who is still hurting from his own heartbreak. I know that he loved his ex…he told me so. But he never said those words to me. EVER.
So what do others think? Narcissist? Or jerk who used me as a rebound while he mends his broken heart?
It is all very well to say , ” expose a narcissist”, all good to write your story, all good that people read it and think, ” that was me”. But it does not expose them, They go on and do it over and over again because no one names them. Its not revenge to name and shame them, its a healing process, it saves lives and with a bit of luck will make people think, will make people be less trusting of them. If you stick to the facts, tell the truth and can back it up with proof, then name them for the world to see who and what they really are.
Wow you just wrote my entire life. I just got out of life with a complete narcissist… Everything you wrote was the exact case. The hurt and devastation left behind for me to pick back up… Alone no less, I’m not getting any explanations from him… Has been a struggle. I didn’t even know what was going on until I found one little thread and it all unraveled… His cheating, the levels of his lies, and then the abandonment like I was a piece of trash (despite us having a whole life built together). Can someone please tell me it gets easier and less painful? Can I really move on from this?
It does, time and distance from the narc. Find a hobby, don’t worry about the next relationship till you feel ready. It’s what helped me, hope this helps. Good luck to you all.
tomorrow will be six months since my breakup with my bimbo. since she ended it without closure (suddenly), i’ve been grappling with breaking no contact and making a last ditch effort for the face to face. well guess what folks…it’ ain’t gonna happen. i simply just couldn’t connect the dots until i was able to identify with 15 of marce’s narc characteristics (see part 2). please pass the eggscraper. my thanks go out to marce and eddie. the both of you were spot on. you just saved me a great amount of future grief and heartache! i’m gonna sleep like a baby tonight!! finally….peace of mind !! how sweet it is !!
Hi Ucuredme
I tried so hard to hold on to this relationship, but there came a time when I decided it was time to let it go – sometimes the best way to be happy is to learn to let go of things you try so hard to hold onto that are no longer good for you (and in fact, were never good for you)…sometimes you have to give up on people, not because you don’t care or don’t love them, but because they don’t care about or love you.
To add a little to my story based on my research on Narcs, I needed to walk away, quickly and silently. Yes, it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. But I had to do it for me and my heart. I was hurt so badly, not once, not twice, not three times…..but far too many times to even count…..and in the process the Narc killed my trust, changed me as a person and slowly and deliberately chipped away at my love for him.
I had to force myself to stop fantasizing that it would change, and I eventually realized that it would never change because the Narc saw no need to change and saw no wrong in what he was doing to me.
I had to stop giving him chances over and over again, chances to someone who abused my forgiveness time and time again……someone who would come in and out of my life at whim and whenever he felt like it, who never offered a valid explanation for his disappearance nor offered a sincere and genuine apology for hurting me….he would just reappear and carry on where we left off, and so nothing was ever resolved and just caused greater confusion and hurt for me.
My advice to you, learn to stop walking back to the place where your heart ran from.
Stop trusting her words alone and ignoring her actions….focus on and pay attention to her actions regardless of what she says. What I’m trying to say is that no matter how many times your Narc says/said she loves you, her actions just didn’t show that love; because her love is not unconditional and because she is unable to love like a ‘normal’ person.
Stop giving your ALL to someone who gives you very little in return.
Stop fighting for a relationship with her, when you are the only one standing in the ring. Stop breaking your own heart.
The more chances you give them, the less the Narc respects you…..
If you stay, you are only fooling yourself.
I had to be smart enough to know when “enough is enough” .
Not everything is meant to be a “forever” kind of thing; and I had to accept that and be honest with myself, even when it hurt so badly.
Choosing to walk away from your Narc is the ONLY choice you have ….cutting her out of your life does not mean you HATE her, if just means you love and respect yourself more, that’s all.
My Narc was way too inconsistent for me – blowing hot then cold without valid reason; flitting in and out of my life; treating me like a queen and then like trash; disregarding my feelings; and so on; and quite frankly I could not tolerate this any longer.
I do not like the way his actions made me feel.
I have now come to realize that Narcs will never be happy, because they are not happy with themselves and do not know how to love themselves. You can only truly love other people by first and foremost loving yourself.
I hate to say this, but I find these disappearing acts the most low-class, disrespectful move a person can pull on anyone, let alone someone they supposedly love….
If being in love with someone means being in pain most of the time, then I really don’t want to be in love with that person anymore.
I know when my Narc started pulling away, went cold on me and abandoned me and disappeared without valid reason, it was because he was out there trying to meet other women or had already met another woman….then when those relationships became hard work or when the new girl didn’t buy into his game or when they didn’t pan out as he wanted, then he would come back to good old me for that boost of self-esteem.
I would accept him back with open arms again, and then the whole process would start over…and so this goes around and around, never ceasing.
Narcs are selfish. They have a sense of entitlement. They are control freaks.
You deserve someone in your life without any doubts – trust is essential….
CAN YOU TRUST YOUR NARC NOT TO HURT YOU AGAIN?
Be strong…..look after yourself!
Marce
Hi Marce,
I would love to hear a few words of advise from you too.
I’m 41years old, married to my husband for 18 years and we have three teenagers (13, 16 and 17) together. I’m German, my husband is Algerian. We met during my work experience in London towards the end of my apprenticeship and promised each other to move in together on completion of my degree. Within a month of moving we also got officially married, as this was a religious requirement for my Muslim husband.
The first time I experienced doubt and a funny gut feeling was before my actual move to the U.K. My husband used to call me every few days reminding me that he was only prepared to wait three months for me. If I didn’t come, then he would start looking elsewhere. As a loyal but highly sensitive and rather introverted person I felt pressured and was in tears after each of such phone calls but dismissed it, thinking this was a reasonable request in order to show my commitment and make this relationship work.
We had 4-5 lovely years, full of fun, outings and day trips to the sea, until our oldest one reached school age. With me being busy with the daily routine, my husband decided to work longer hours as he was still financially supporting his parents and building a house back home.
Over the years his work schedule became so crazy that I began to feel like a spare tire with three young kids at home. He wouldn’t be home during the week, neither would he be home on weekends anymore. His family praised him for his tireless work and the money blessing while I grew increasingly frustrated, resentful towards his work and house project back home. I started questioning, complaining and criticising as I couldn’t feel any connection, love or empathy from him anymore. Actually, I felt numb. Why wouldn’t he see that I needed him occasionally at home too? Why was his priority always what his dad expected from him?
What followed in an attempt to calm the murky waters was an endless string of empty promises without an actual action. Make believe. “Next year we’ll go on a family holiday for sure.” Come next year and nothing once again. “I will be 100% there for our son’s first drama play in high school for which I bought tickets.” And guess who didn’t show up? How can you ever trust someone’s word like this again?
The constant feeling of neglect and disconnection, yet an incredible longing for him had created such a torment and hurt in me that I started not wanting to have sex with my husband anymore. The result: a sexless marriage for the past 10 years. For me trust has been broken over and over again. Sex is very intimate and intimacy is based on love and trust.
“I was hurt so badly, not once, not twice, not three times…..but far too many times to even count…..and in the process the Narc killed my trust, changed me as a person and slowly and deliberately chipped away at my love for him.”
Too many letdowns by a person you love and his/her inconsistent behaviour rob you slowly but surely of your trust, love and respect for him/her. What’s left for yourself is a strange gut feeling that you are trying to suppress, constant ruminating, loneliness, sadness, wishful thinking, yet despite all you being unable to see clearly, come to a decision and finally act!!!
The constant arguing, hoping, criticising, sarcasm, making up for a day or two, resenting, crying etc. have made me so confused regarding my own feelings that it has been like on a never ending roller coaster ride. I seriously wonder sometimes who of us two is the real Narc here!
All these years I have been trying to ignore the feeling that something was off with our marriage. It has felt like going round and round in a vicious circle and not reaching the destination ‘happiness’. The difficult part is to pinpoint what’s really going on as narcissists are masters of manipulation. It took me about 17 years to go online and google ‘toxic relationships’ to learn about narcissism!
And still I’m not completely sure if my husband is one.
“I had to force myself to stop fantasizing that it would change, and I eventually realized that it would never change because the Narc saw no need to change and saw no wrong in what he was doing to me.”
Fantasising that things will eventually change is a true problem. It keeps you grid locked and paralysed. I’m guilty of hoping and wishing that things will change for nearly a decade but they simply don’t. My other half doesn’t see anything wrong in working four months with only ONE single day off. Sometimes I’m wondering if he is addicted to work and money. Like an alcoholic is addicted to alcohol. Or a drug addict is addicted to heroin. Sadly he doesn’t want to be confronted with that or with how I am feeling in the marriage. I have tried to argue, cry, explain patiently, appeal to his feelings and asked him what kind of role model we are for our children in terms of a loving relationship. No reaction. He simply goes his ways and does what HE thinks he needs to do.
But as he works tirelessly, looks after the garden, interacts with the kids and is so charming with family and friends, I often doubt my feelings. Everyone loves him!
Since the beginning of the year my husband has been stonewalling me but still interacts with our kids. He is a firm but good and loving dad to them when he is around. According to my husband we are too different to make it work and he just wants peace and no more confrontations. We haven’t spoken a single word since then, despite numerous attempts from me.
No replies. No answers to texts or calls. No further explanation what happens or how we will go on from here. No effort. As if I don’t exist and we are only co-inhabiting. Now that hurts because it makes you ruminate and question yourself a lot.
I got so miserable after returning from a wonderful week in Spain with the kids and my mum that I booked an appointment for Talking Therapies to get treated for depression, anxiety and work on my self esteem. My husband refused once again to come with me to marriage counselling to work on our differences or go our separate ways. He once said to me that HE made me the person I am today and that I owed everything to him. If I wanted to leave, fine. – “Go. You are free.” – But of course he would stay in the house because he had invested so much of his earnings over the years.
At other times he was constantly reinforcing that I was free and could do what I wanted, e.g. go out with the kids alone or pursue a job/hobby as long as it did not involve him and he could continue with his job. What is the meaning or purpose in the money he earns?
I must say this hot-cold treatment is very confusing indeed. What the inconsistent (or at times very consistent, ignoring) behaviour does is it messes up your psychology. It confuses you and drives you literally nuts. As you feel so deprived of love, you are willing to grab the small finger once a year while others get to grab the entire hand. This can’t be unconditional love but rather some sort of dependency!
“Stop giving your ALL to someone who gives you very little in return. Stop fighting for a relationship with her, when you are the only one standing in the ring. Stop breaking your own heart.
The more chances you give them, the less the Narc respects you…..”
I find the latter you wrote to be very true. Not sure what to do though if kids are involved who are NOT affected in the same way as I am. Any ideas? They deserve to grow up in a family setting with both their mum and dad present but I hate the idea of staying mute and not taking any action towards improving our marriage. Do narcs target only certain people they can’t stand and want to punish/hurt/show their superiority?
Thanks,
Anne
I am laying here in bed reading this article with pure sadness in my heart. I just got abandoned by the man I love who is a an extreme narcissist. I feel like I’ve been hit by a train. 3 weeks I’ve cried everyday. I can’t eat or sleep well. I’ve denied myself my own pleasure and find smiling difficult. He was so confusing and hurtful towards the end but so wonderful and irresistible in the beginnings. I fell so much in love and I am falling so far down. I’m devastatingly broken hearted. J
This is exactly what I am experiencing and I don’t know how to make it go away or if it will go away. I truly pray for us that it does.
Wishing you all the best,
Sarah
Sarah, the pain does get better. I’m currently still going through pain right now but I can say at least from around Oct to today the pain is coming easier to deal with. Of course mine is still playing games with me while bluntly telling me how much he no longer wants to work on the marriage we have had for so many years unless I stop asking for love and affection from him as he says it is constantly telling him what he is not doing and this doesn’t come natural to him. My husband is a good manipulator and liar and I am a little on the naive side when it comes to him (this come with the training)that he can tell me the truth right in front of my face and somehow convince me that isn’t what he is saying.The best way I have found to begin best to deal with things is begin focusing more on me, as I am realizing with all the overfunctioning for him I lost who I was which from what he saying has never been enough. I can tell you it pains me to even write the things I am writing about someone I put all my trust in at one point for a very long time. Rule of advice Never show them your true emotional state and to help deal with the manipulation and lies that become brighter day by day when they decide their bored my suggestion is you have to practiticly shut your emotions down inside you toward everything being done. I find/ found this easier said then done but is possible. I see you mentioned prayer so I will say that prayer will provide refuge in all of the hurt. If you look at things a little different then where they are in eyesight you may find a journey of beginning to understand more of putting the creator first. We are made in his image and he lives within us… Something to think about???
Know your worth and love yourself. Wish you all the best in life.
Heart broken2
I promise you all…it does get better. It does take time to but once you have decided you’ve had enough & make that commitment to get out of a that toxic relationship you will start to heal. Be strong…the best advise I can give is be committed to having no contact! It works. You will go through stages of sadness, weakness, madness, grief but just know you are brave, strong and smart. I was with my ex-N for almost 30 years…married for 21 and divorced now just over a year. I’m still harassed every day by ex-N via text & voicemail…but I am happy in my decision knowing it was the right one. Still have court issues to finish up but will never let ex-N wear me down again!! Get your support system in place and talk, talk, talk!! Sending love to all!
Hey Jackie
I’ve never done anything like this before. As in reply to such an article but I have gone through this for 3 and a half years, an exmaple of one of the most extreme cases of a narc who is totally in denial and believes he does nothing wrong. Yet from the time of meeting him, when i was a confident woman with a great social life, many friends and a job I had been established in for 8 yrs, I am no longer any of that. I have spent more of that time with him crying and feeling the greatest pain i thought possible, even more so than losing my parents, than i ever have feeling happy. I have read so much about this yet it still feels like an out of body experience. I know who he is and that he can’t teuly love me for all he’s done, yet i cling on hopelessly. He has disgarded me so many times i’ve lost count. The worst being just months after i moved in with him, gave up everything having just lost my Mum to cancer and he swept me off my feet to the Maldives and proposed. Suddenly I thought all the previous hurt and breakups had been worth it. It had all led to that point. But yet again from the minute his feet hit british soil, the wonderful, romantic, caring man that took me back to when i first me him. Turned into a cold, distant inpatient man. Who snapped at me while still expecting me to do everything for him and if i dared even address it, i woukd be accused of moaning, or unsupportive, or his favourote line to this day if i ever showed emotion….suffering pmt. it spiralled downhill rapidly but i remained blinkered. We booked the wedding venue, i bought my dress, only for him to call off the wedding on what woukd have been my Mum’s 70th just a few months on from losing her. He gave me 2 wks to move out but on the first wknd of that 2 wks, he returned home drunk & launched an attack on me, which while not so bad physically, saw me lose everything. Including a valuable violin that had been part of my life and my career from 6 yes old. I had to pack up my things that night and move temporarily into a friends. Sleeping on a sofa and living out of bin liners, while trying to find another job, which he also ended uo sabotaging with lies and slander. Stupidly 2 months later following bail conditions being dropped i went back and am still clinging on in the hope he will change. While the episodes of discard have gone from every few months to every few wks or less, i think he has somehow made me feel so worthless that despite my friends and own logic telling me i deserve so much more and this has gone on so long, he is somehow my life support.
I sympathise with how you feel as I know it is the most debilitating pain. To be left questioning your own sanity. Forever blaming yourself for ‘losing’ them, not pleasing them. Days and weeks spent crying, existing. Knowing this isn’t right yet somehow unable to break free. Bending over backwards and accepting so much less than you deserve in a desperate attempt to bring back the honeymoon period….but it never comes back. Trust me from someone who doesn’t have the strength to break free from it right now…..it may not feel it but you have already come far, keep going and never look back. Xx
You do have the strength, one baby step at a time. You are worth it…you are brave and courageous…he is the coward…hiding behind that false mask of his. You can do it…if I can, you can!! I’m. It saying it’s easy but doable!! Yes you can! 💪
This is my ex, no matter how many times she would leave or cheat it was some how my fault, lack of empathy is the dead give away for narcissistic personality disorder. She does not even have it for her own children and openly says her happiness is more important than what the kids want. She has ruined my kids and my life’s and does not even blink.
My narcissist was a very close friend. I trusted him from the word go.. and although i knew that he had been unfaithful to both his ex wifes i believed as he had me believe that it was their fault.. He was everything that i ever wanted.. everything i dreamed off. I got gifts delivered at my work practically on a weekly basis as well as flowers i was showered with all these gifts and all this time i told him that he was trying to appease me with expensive gifts when all i wanted was his time and his love. I also did things that i would never ordinarily do but with him it seemed so natural… I just wanted to please him which is so ironic because usually I am a strong willed person. Having gone through 2 failed relationships and being single mother to 3 I thought that this was a dream come true. Finally someone who would take care of me as well and not take my love for granted. I was so wrong.. He started making me feel that i was going crazy and imagining things and even told me that i was behaving like a four year old.. I thought it was all my fault that I had ruined this perfect relationship with my neediness and actually apologized and asked for his forgiveness.. time after time after time… I had a bit of a breakdown and am on anti depressants at the moment and he just continues with his life as if i never existed. Lol I was also told the bit about the honey moon period being over and as such I need to get over it. Where is the fairness in that!!! I feel like such a failure.. why do I always attract the wrong men.. all that time, energy and love wasted.. I am doing fine I think and for some strange reason I don’t hate him.. I just don’t get what satisfaction anyone could possibly get out of building someone up and then breaking them down piece by piece. And it is exactly this thought that plagues me.. I just keep thinking about it all the time.. trying to find some kind explanation when I know that there probably is none.
Holy crap – his name wasn’t ‘Jack’, was it?
You described my ex to a ‘t’. You described my reactions to a ‘t’. In fact, you described everything perfectly.
I did truly feel like I was going insane at one point – and he was (subtly and manipulatively, of course) quite happy to let me to think so.
What I find interesting – in hindsight – is that he actually and honestly believes that there’s nothing at all wrong with him – that it’s the rest of the world that’s at fault…and he’ll quite happily tell you that without a moment’s hesitation.
I wonder if all narcissists have high IQ’s with zero EO’s and are addicted to playing online D&D games?
That would be an interesting study in itself….
The online stuff is I’m guessing like my ex Gabrielle, that they need that extra supply from people, my ex is attractive girl in the video game world she had other men begging to leave their wives for her and her manipulation games, it’s sad.
Thats how I feel too. This described my ex perfectly. Even his exact words when he lied. And my reactions.
Wow. This was an eye opener for me!
I was with someone for 11 years – since I was a senior in high school actually. In the beginning our relationship was insane – passionate, fun, adventurous…I was head over heels in love with him. He would send me flowers on a whim, write me love notes, etc.
Rewind 5 years later, when we actually started living together and the honeymoon stage ended. The once social butterfly in me started to die. My friends were only friends that I met through him and I started to care more about him than myself. Our fights would get intense; screaming matches, name-calling, etc. I kept thinking I was the one at fault, and boy did he let me know that. Everytime he would call me a name and make me feel terrible about myself, his excuse would be “I was drunk” or “you drove me to say those things.”
Our relationship over the last few years have been challenging. We have had many ups and downs – I was diagnosed with depression, and, although he was there for me, he likes to remind me of that terrible time in my life all the time. He stopped calling me while he was away at work, stopped treating me like I was a priority, and everytime I wanted to hang out, he always had an excuse. New Years, birthdays, Valentine’s Day….he would normally choose to hang out with friends on these holidays and ignore me on these special days. Whenever we would get ready or go out on a date night, he would never say I looked beautiful or give me compliments – it was always about how he liked. Still, I continued to love him and would go out of my way to do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted it. I started to eat for comfort – something I never understood or thought I would resort to. I gained about 75 lbs in a few years. He would then call me “fat ass” when we got into fights and told me that he wasn’t attracted to me anymore.
11 years into our relationship, it was he who decided to end things. I was absolutely devastated – and still am to this day (over 6 months after we ended things). He said he wanted to remain friends with me, but has instead been a total ass. I lost everything – my house, my income, my friends, the love of my life – and he doesn’t care. Of course this is my own fault too – and by no means do I blame him for everything. When we do talk, he tells me that everything is my fault and that our break up was 100% caused by my actions. If I would have just done this better or that better, things would not have ended up this way is what he always says. He still acts like he is perfect and has never done anything wrong. Everyone noticed how he treated me during our relationship, but no one would ever say anything to him because he would literally have a freak out.
The reason I wanted to share my story is because for the longest time – and still to this day – am not able to figure him out. The word “narcissist” was a word that I knew very little about. I did some research into this and truly believe that he has this disorder. The story you shared and your own personal experiences are so relatible it’s scary!
The problem with narcissists is that they are usually very charming, outgoing people. There is something about them that you are drawn to. And that is why I think it is so hard for me to let go. Still to this day, I let him suck me into believing that all our fights and our breakups were my fault. Deep down I know he has some self-esteem and self-confidence issues, but bringing that up to him would be the worst thing to do. He does not take criticism well.
Why do I let this man control me? Why do I think about him 24/7 and continue to allow him to treat me like he does? Is this normal?
He sounds like my ex tom
Many women these days are Narcissist.
this is so crazy. This is happening to me right now. I’ve read so much on NPD and it helps to understand my situation. I’ve never been treated this way in my life. It all started Aug 2013 and to this day, it’s push and pull with him. All my friends and family know me as someone who is jovial, cheerful, optimistic, confident, and when since I met this narc, my friends have noticed that I have become less happy about life, just very subdued, not myself. I have been through hell with this narc, when he doesn’t contact me, i get so angry then i regain my strength and also not be in contact with him, then when he contacts me i always give in. Now i realize it’s because his source is depleting. He talks to so many girls via text and cannot rid of them. it’s because we are all his sources. He drove me crazy, depressed, almost had suicidal ideations! when i’m never that kind of a person!! I have to not break this no contact bc it’s always the same afterwards!!! i feel so horrible about myself!!! thank you for your story.
This from my exoerience with a NPD girlfriend: We love a particular person who has the serious mental illness of NPD precisely because we feel empathy for their infant like emotional development. They are lovable people which means they are basically good. They un justifiably cannot love anything that is not perfect in themselves, so they don’t have empathy for you loving them. However your love for them does not dissappear or go unappreciated by them. In another time or universe they will eventually rejoice in the love you showed them. There is no other way in a world with God it can be. While on earth plane probably best to love a narcissist for a short time and then send them love them from a distance.. .
I appreciate this article, and the other, so much. I’ve been almost two months out of a relationship with a narc, and just found out that six weeks after I moved out of his house, he got engaged to his ex before me! And after spouting terrible things about her the entire time we were together, and swearing up and down he never wanted to be in a relationship with her again. Well, it turns out that, and his entire description of his relationship with her, were a lie. And I’m sure he’s now spouting the same negativity about me to her, despite his proclamations that we were soul mates, that I was perfect, everything he’d ever wanted in someone, and meant to be together forever.
Just six months ago he asked my father for my hand in marriage, five months ago he impregnated me with his child (fortunately for my sanity, though much to the destruction of my body and soul, I miscarried), three months ago he called me an f’ing moron among other colorful expletives, and when I tried to take a stand and said I was going to leave because I didn’t deserve to be treated that way, he sweet talked me back and then spent the following three months berating me, withdrawing, and holding it over my head that I said I was going to leave and saying the issues in our relationship were all my fault because he now couldn’t trust me. When I finally took a stand with my actions and stopped pandering to his petty needs, he broke up with me. Then, when I took actions to move out the following day he told me I was being irrational and unkind, and sobbingly exclaimed “why did you have to do it, I would have stayed with you forever!”
Looking back, I see so many red flags, and I see that if I had just listened to my intuition instead of believing his words (which were all lies, despite his constant need to tell me what an honest person he was… though in hindsight I realize genuinely honest people don’t need to tell others how honest they are) I could have saved myself. But alas, here I am. I keep telling myself I broke my own heart by allowing myself to be abused by him, and this helps me take my power back. But it’s still hard.
I haven’t wanted to actually be with him since before we broke up because I was miserable. I still now can’t quite put my finger on how he manipulated me, because his ways were so subtle and subversive. I’ve realized he was never really my friend, or my partner, or anything I actually want in a mate, but it’s still so hard to move on! I know that everything he says is a manipulation, everything he does is calculated and disingenuous, but I still have this pain in my chest because there’s still some part of me that wants to believe the wonderful man he had seemed to be exists. But I know that man never existed. And even if he’s putting on that face for his new fiance it won’t last.
I’m angry at him for reducing me to a depressed shadow of myself, living a life that doesn’t even begin to compare with the truly amazing existence I had before he sucked me into his vortex of drama.
Today, I finally blocked he and everyone associated with him from my facebook, blocked his emails, phone numbers, and essentially made it impossible for him to contact me, or for me to hope for contact (crazy as that is).
And I’m writing this reply, something I’d typically never do, to force myself to admit to the world that I was fooled. And it wasn’t worth it.
It feels like I am reading about my own life, he even bought a massive canvas of the John William Waterhouse painting you have at the top of the page! He hung it opposite his bed! He convinced me to give up my career and home to move closer to him, he told me he was getting a key cut to his place then changed his mind, I had to move back in with my parents as I was homeless. He ostracised me from my friends and family and he was cheating on me the whole time, emailing other women contstantly whilst sitting right next to me, telling me it was work related. He’d hone from grooming me “you’re the one, amazing, can’t believe I’ve found you” to “shit head, shut the fuck up, dance bitch”. I ended twice but regretted it each time pining for him, yet he bullied me so I became a shell of my former self.
10 days ago, my fiancé dumped me. We were meant to be going away on a romantic weekend, but instead, I got violently dumped. It arose out of the blue. He came out of one of his therapy sessions, came home, and – coldly – threw abuse at me (“you pressured me into getting engaged with you, and as it turns out I don’t want to marry you, nor have kids with you”… “You’re completely paranoid and neurotic”. “I can’t stand being with you”). I pulled up a chair in the kitchen and sat down. This “crisis, this outburst of rage was not the first. Since he started therapy a couple of years ago, I have been on the receiving end of these cyclical outbursts. They occurred every few months, and they broke me completely. Outside of these crises my fiancé was a dream. He was never a very self-confident person; he was constantly looking for validation from the outside world, but together we were like peas and carrots.
Often, these outbursts would occur after something positive, or whenever our relationship took a step up on the commitment ladder, sometimes they would occur after he gave me a gift. It’s as though he would make me happy, then take my happiness from me. The day after he proposed to me (of his own accord – he bought the ring over a month before even popping the question, and I never once asked him for that kind of commitment), he accused me of wanting to “tie a rope around his neck” because I had randomly asked who he intended to pick to be his best man.
In October of last year, I miscarried at 5 weeks. The pregnancy was accidental, but as soon as I found out I was expecting he went and bought champagne (for himself), and took me in his arms, and celebrated. Then I lost the pregnancy. A day or two later, he started to grow cold. He spent his time online, or outside, and three days into the miscarriage (I was still in bed, feeling rotten), came another outburst: “I’m glad you miscarried! I would have had to be responsible! I wouldn’t have been able to live my dream of becoming a writer/celebrity!”. I kid you not, those were his exact words. Two days later, when I started to feel better, I began separating my possessions from his (especially my papers), with the intention of leaving. But as the days/weeks went by, he came towards me, and told me that all that anger was just one of his crises, and that he wanted to try for a family with me as soon as he had received his job transfer info. I bought it, because I love him, and strangely, I felt as though I loved him even more than before. In fact, the more violent the crises became, the more hooked I was. I became deadly thin, and the only thing I was able to think about and focus on was him.
I knew he was narcissistic, but a part of me wouldn’t quite allow it to sink in. How could he be so incredibly loving and wonderful all the while being so abusive on random occasions? I didn’t get how he could be so adorable and so abusive at the same time. I had no energy left to see my friends and enjoy my hobbies. I used to practice the piano and sing; I used to draw, and go to concerts; I used to laugh all the time; but he drained me of all my energy. When he arrived home from work I would have prepared all the food he loved, and he would sit down and tell me all his (futile) problems, and I would listen, and take them seriously, and massage his back. I totally lost sight of who I was and what I wanted. And when I did express an opinion – even on something as trivial as a piece of furniture or a house – he would systematically contradict me, and if it was a negative comment he would accuse me of being harsh and opinionated.
10 days ago, he said: “look at yourself. You do everything for me. You don’t even punish me when I’m cruel to you. I could walk-in dressed up in women’s clothes and you would still find excuses for me”. I sat there, bewildered. He said, “I HAD to lie to you and dissimulate things… I mean, living with you is like being in prison!” He also said, “you’re so stable, it’s scary”. And to top it off, he ended it (all the while guzzling beer at top speed) with, “you want me to love you, and I though I loved you… I don’t exactly know what I feel for you, but it isn’t love, that’s for sure”.
That was it. I packed a bag and left. Since then, he has called me, firstly to insult me, then to patronize me and tell me I needed to “see someone” because I was “totally neurotic”, and finally he has sent me text messages telling me he loves me, but he needs his own space. There have also been mixed messages asking how I was, and one text message telling me, “let’s not see this as a definite break-up, but more as a temporary and necessary “break” (who the f*** does he think he is?)!
I have found my own place, and I intend to pick up the rest of my stuff and my pets this coming weekend. I have already initiated ‘next to no contact’ – we still need to communicate a basic minimum for practical details, but I think that by this weekend I will be able to initiate full-on no-contact.
I won’t lie. I feel like the ghost of myself. I am skeleton-thin. I am exhausted. I have lost countless work opportunities and I am picking up the pieces of my shattered existence all over the place. For the first time in 5 years, I feel free, and yet I also feel as though I’ve just lost my best friend. We had nicknames for each other, we had a million inside jokes, we were so close, we could talk about anything together. This is by far the most dreadful experience I have ever gone through in my entire life. I am only just beginning to accept the fact that the man I loved and was with for 5 years was a narcissist. Sadly, nobody in our circle of friends would likely believe me, as he is so incredibly angelic and forthcoming with others. This is the epitome of loneliness.
Having a psychology degree and years of working in childrens homes, you may think I would be better equipped than most to deal with a narcissist. WRONG. At the time all my knowledge and experience gave me was a deeper level of empathy for why people behave badly. I had learned to widen my concept of normality to the point I felt I could excuse bad behaviours. “Something must have caused this, something must have happened to them in the past, they might be ill, they need my help, i can fix them.” I believed all people had a goodness within them that could be nurtured and I could do something about it, I could save them.
These days I lean more towards the side of “how many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?” “None, its got to want to change itself!” A more balanced approach…lol
have you ever heard that if a frog is dropped into boiling water it jumps out immediately but if it is put in cold water then the temp increased it doesnt even realise its dying? This could be likened to abuse experienced by a narcissistic sociopath.
With a narcissist, heaven ends up as HELL! the love bombing stage is the stuff of movies, everything you’ve ever dreamed of! Here are some of my examples of the heaven:
– organising a vintage fair at my works and he ‘bravely’ turns up in a specially hired soldier outfit stating “a girl like you i knew i had to do something special to get your attention.”
– filling a room full of candles, cooking curry-even slicing bananas up trying to impress me, buying my favourite wine
– running a bath with candles and music then bathing me and washing me with a sponge ever so seductively- it was like the pottery scene in ghost!
-giving me a key and a toothbrush to his house within 3 days (why did i not see it was weird grr)
-in bed everything was about me- he spent hours trying to please me. He played a song by haim called ‘dont save me’- which was saying i never knew i could feel a love so gold, dont save me if ur going to hurt me. He made himself look vulnerable which warmed me to him. (He was trying to control and conquer me)
-telling me i was so beautiful why was i with him i could have anyone, nearly crying he seemed so flattered
– he never wanted kids or to get married or live with anyone else but he did with me!
– sending me poetic thoughtful text messages
– OTT attention, charm and ‘love…’ you feel like a queen
He had me hooked, I felt I had never met anyone so attentive- all the nice crazy conscientious effort he kept making made me think “aw this vulnerable guy just wants to be loved…
then the HELL! And some red flags
– giving me a book by neil strauss called the game. Its a book on how shy insecure nerds learn how to manipulate, use and abuse women.
– walking past his old house and he goes ‘i had some good times in that bedroom and sex on that bridge over there
– saying i was a 9 out of 10 then denying it
– saying a very pretty girl in a nightie had been flirting with him when he did a delivery and he was flattered but he wud never do anything cuz he loves me so much
– telling me he ‘had a moment’ with his best mates wife!
-bragging about his days as a DJ saying “you wouldnt believe wot happened in that dj booth, i once had a 3sum and i once got offered money to have sex with a hot bisexual”
– telling me he was all over me cuz hed been watching porn at work. When i showed my disgust he said ‘one of them sounded like you.’
– liking ex girlfriends profile pictures on facebook & still messaging them
at first if i showed my contempt at these disrespectful horrible statements and actions he would come out with some excuse and buy me flowers and try to put my mind at rest. But then once he knew he had me heart and soul it got worse…he felt safe to do discards…
-he took me to his friends house. They were a couple who admitted strangling each other to the point they passed out, enjoyed beating each other up during sex and having threesomes, but only with women. I showed my utter disdain and he goes ‘each to their own, my ex didnt like them either, i was trying to give u a fun weekend away u cud appreciate it ur ungrateful ur just starting arguments’
-he paid for me and took me on holiday. After 2 days he started an argument over nothing and locked me out. He laughed at me as i sat there crying. He drank a full bottle of alcohol and told me to get out his hotel room and to fly home. As i stayed calm he threatened to smash the tele on my head- it was like he wanted me to get mad and the less i reacted he upped the ante. I tried to talk him round after he sobered up to no avail. I had to sleep in a 70 year old neighbours room and i flew home the next day.
After the holiday i refused to see him, which lasted for 3 weeks. I told him he needed some serious help and to stop drinking. He threatened suicide but i didnt buckle. He ended up in hospital apparently not breathing and having a panic attack. He kept writing me letters, sending me flowers, messages etc.
He went to counselling and he also quit drinking, and sustained it for a short period. ( i later found his counselling notes and he had done nothing but blame me!wtf) I genuinely believed he was truly sorry and gave him another chance. He once again turned into the man i wanted him to be. He got me pregnant and we were both seemingly happy…
At first he seemed delighted and spoke of buying a new house etc. 3 days in he kept saying his libido had gone and now he wouldnt be able to travel due to the baby. I tried to talk to him one night and he kept saying he was tired. One night he turned the volume up on the tele as i tried to speak. I started crying i felt unloved and he ended up locking me out his house, telling me he didnt love me, told me to get an abortion etc. I felt so hysterical i was crying frantically and pleading with him-i called the samaritans in front of him to show my desperation-it was real. He said “this is revenge for when u left me on holiday.”
I ended up losing my baby in a miscarriage i believe through stress. I have never felt a pain so horrible in my life i didnt know i could feel so bad. He has no idea the sheer horror he has put me through.
I believe he has done this to other girls too. In the early days he told me one of his exes had an abortion with him but he didnt know if it was true, another had left the army for him and when she came out he split up with her “for crying all the time”, another had text him saying “you wont break me,” hw had left his male friend after 1 week stranded on a 2 week holiday, he had come back early from another holiday with a woman…
his attitude to his exes was odd as well. He was always the victim. His first girlfriend cheated and “got the better of him,” he didnt fancy his last girlfriend anymore-she was an alcoholic and he was lonely and using her…the list could go on and on.
I have shared my experiences to hopefully help others. I have now done no contact and am flying away for a month to clear my head, as he has been coming to my house since i blocked him. He seems to be leaving me alone now which is good i just cant stand to see him right now im too raw.
im glad i have good role models to inspire me to try again in life and move forward armed with my new knowledge. All i can do is pity him that he will never have true love, as true love is two way. He will never feel happiness that j am capable of. I feel like educating the world on these people!
Stay strong, accept reality, control only yourself, increase your contentment. Thanks
Another small post to friends….
Please dont keep saying the ex used you,ex cheat me,ex took me for granted….forget it…kick them off…
u need to respect yourself first,so dont complain,instead if u get that feeling or thoughts or u want to share with your friends ur sadness,please dont share after few initial days as it will backoff your friendship …instead i suggest you to write down in book,some good points,ur special person,respect yourself with great words,enjoy the moments by saying i m the best, i had great meal,i have money to enjoy clothes, i am beautiful person, i have love for people,i loved …………
if u dont respect yourself and thank yourself who will…try to search motivation books and videos..
even if others dont see what you are worth of you need to….
so respect yourself….
“Someones opinion of you is not meant to be reality”…..
please keep respecting yourself thats imp……………….moments have come to pass and let them pass….but u need to work on,dont keep dreaming,keep working on your daily routines,work on self like going to gym,tennis ,keep grooming by attending places….see initially u feel broken and lost but u have to make initial struggle register yourself for following activites any of them:
gym,aerobics,cardio,dance,salsa,zumba,swimming,cooking,tennis many things check newspapers whats news attend programmes see initially u feel u dont need to and u dont want to,but break the blady barriers since you want to be warrior….rediscover self love…
keep saying to self
“passivity causes death,so u have to be active””””””
i wish my post can help atleast one person…i wud b grateful 😉
You’re so right Sid, passivity does cause death!!! I was dead for most of the relationship and its time I start living again. Thanks for your posts 🙂
Hi Sid,
Thanks for these encouraging words. I am learning meditation to control my mind and studying hard to get a good job. T
Hi Sid,
I appreciate your words. No more cryin..a lot more tryin.
Thank you.
Your great sid honestly!! I had left my comments in part two of my situation but every time I feel a little weak I read ober other peoples comments and this was my first time reading over yours! Thanks x
Hey arun and guys
Bro chillllll…..what happened hack happened…..u need to take eddies and our other mates posts as relief to get over your ideas and thoughts which keep hitting your mind always…..the main idea is please stop analysing your post ….what ever happens ,it does for best…..if u keep complaining life got many….em nt sayin don’t say it out,but c’mmn its over,jus think u wanna live with person who don’t love u and emotionally abused u so much??so don’t even think what happened ,kick them off stop analysing…..when my ex left lol she complained 1000 things abt me,and even she always blamed me…..I was shocked but I never called her again,I knew life wud b Hell,but had feeling some day I wud learn to live great happier life by giving…. away weakness….trust me she abused and humiliated me in front of world for weakness…..but lol em happy she’s gone….its been 8 months and today I have got the power to remove eliminate things from my life …thoughts that disturb me are removed,I don’t think of past,I don’t dwell in future,I don’t say dream. ….its nt that thoughts don’t arise they do…but I have matured my mind in such a way that it knows what it needs at the moment…..I had always had problems with my life in exams,because my mind is always lost….but eddies post mental strength of masai warrior was the one that helped me….I read it many times but never got it till one day…I kept concentratin….
There are many more things ,I m nt best but I’m better person and with fine character….
What I have learnt is one thing,when my ex left I wondered can iever forget her,can I live without her,blah blah …..but I say u what …instead of giving away your kingdom fight for it and…..so fight the war of pain and learn how to survive any war in your life….don’t beg Ur enemy for mercy ,there are things which you can rely on to groom yourself awarrior….yes it takes pain to train….but when u win,u r the king of your throne….even Sylvester Stallone wudnt star in Rocky jus for being what he is after he was born….lol u know what he was before gettin to Hollywood….its over its over…..ppl say move on….I say fight with war of pain,train go to gym,go to work,study,run hard,swim,hangout with friends but don’t share too much you will feel sad if they don’t respond way u want….
All I can say I have been there,and em here goin to give my exam soon for good future after 8 months…..I have been there a very devastating life…..a very one….but em here….it starts slowly but please dnt punish with past….praise the God and make promise in front of mirror everyday u wake up,thank you for this new beautiful day and I will do my best and make u proud…..forget those ex kick them offvand write there name in paper and throw in dustbin….but please build yourself….
To be a warrior you have to train,so let the pain flow because result matters……
I won’t say you will b fine,I will say you will b strong warrior …..at start u won’t know where u heading,but as days go u will ……dnt think much …its ok…
Please Ur special person…respect it ,u need to build u r dream and live…..it doesn’t matter u r 99 ,if u fulfil u r dream before 100,jus imagine how beautiful …it looks…..
Eddie u were there for me and I dnt knw what I can say or give in return but if I ever meet u someday I wanna hug u…..
If any help needed plz reply back ..wud love to help u….:)
Lots of love….
This is.. I am shocked. I would never believe that my ex would be one of those kind of people. This is so.. so unbelievable! A guy who used to tell you that he couldn’t live his life without YOU is actually USING you! How come those people even exist?
And the worst, is that deep inside you know he is really not for you and you keep thinking about how to get him back.
This is really not love.
Hi Rim,
I know the exact feeling, how could someone who made it seem like their lives woud shatter without u, end up abandoning u?
Hi Rim,
I know the exact feeling, how could someone who made it seem like their lives would shatter without u, end up abandoning u?
Exactly.. I am still in a state of shock.
I not only spent 8 years with this guy, but he brought his 2 and 4 year old daughters into the mix. In January…he left. I’ve never seen his face or heard his voice again. He posted an anniversary date regarding his current girl as 5 months before he left.
He LOVED me right away. I had to adjust. He bought me gifts, ran me baths with lavender and rose petals…cooked, cleaned…..everything but worked full time. I had nothing but compassion for him and his awful circumstances growing up. He didn’t have a car, we shared mine. He would have had more control if he were more independent but we shared everything I and my family had. He moved in my townhouse while I traveled out of state for 3 months for my new job. I came home and he had candles, music, food, and romance. I thought here’s a great heart, a wonderful spirit who has never had the resources or anyone who believed in him, and with that, he’d be nothing but incredible. During our relationship, my best friend moved away, my brother moved out of state, my other brother, who lived next door, moved and my father died. While with him, I became in need and he wasn’t up for it. That wasn’t the plan. I could write about this relationship for pages….the end was sudden and devastating. I’m now financially, and emotionally devastated. I feel used, abused, alone, and embarrassed. The article about Narcisism makes SO much sense. The overwhelming honeymoon stage, feeling crazy, confused. I’m educated, now 49 yrs old and yet here I am. 6 months not enough time to put things in the right place. Crying, scared, alone, ashamed, angry, confused. The article Marce wrote helps. Maybe a new starting point for healing. A lot of the responses have helped a lot. Kim and Sherri put it in a way that I could sincerely relate to. I appreciate this more than I thought I would. I feel like I have some answers to some big questions as to my feelings that seem irrational. ‘Can’t wait to feel like myself again…if ever.