My Way Back Into Life – A Personal Story
by Eddie CorbanoThe Personal Nightmare
It happened in 1998: When my Ex broke up with me, we were about to get married. It was like the whole world as I knew it collapsed. I couldn’t function properly for weeks. It was as though someone had stolen something vitally important for survival from me – something that I could not exist without.
I couldn’t stand the pain or the thought that she wasn’t by my side anymore. I made her the center of my life and now that she was gone, what was left to live for?
I had no perspective, no joy in life – all the things I once liked to do stopped being attractive. I had no interest in the other sex whatsoever. In fact, I had no interest in doing anything besides lying around or sleeping. And sleeping lost its benefits due to extremely painful dreams that renewed the initial pain each time I went to sleep. (Check my newsletter for how to deal with those dreams).
Luckily for me, I intuitively felt the necessity for No-Contact -a rule which I broke only once after one month.
Breaking this No-Contact rule was terrible and extremely painful – to talk to that stranger who was my great love once upon a time. The pain was much worse after this, and I needed several weeks to reach the level I was at before the No-Contact break.
This existence, if you could call it such, lasted for 6 months.
Recovery Finally Started
Then suddenly it got better. I clearly felt an improvement in my overall state.
What happened?
I made a decision.
Standing at a crossroads, I made the decision whether to go left or right.
Turning left meant to continue with this pathetic existence without joy and perspective – an existence that equals death. Turning right meant to change, and eventually head towards a new and better life.
I consciously took that step into change. I decided that I couldn’t go on like this. All of that meant: accepting the fact that it was over and letting go.
Man that felt good! I felt an instant release.
Yes, it meant accepting that she would never come back. Yes, it meant saying goodbye to that golden future together that I had painted so well in my mind. Yes, it meant standing up and taking back what was mine – even if it meant that I had to kick myself every day.
While this day marked a milestone in my recovery journey, the way that followed was still a long, rocky road.
The Painful Road Ahead
I had to go through all the painful phases – through the depression, the missing, the anger, the lonely nights where I wondered if she slept alone, the guilt, the endless times I checked e-mails, mailboxes, picked up the phone and hung up again.
It was like two steps forward, one step back.
The next few months were very difficult. I had one especially bad problem: I was constantly rethinking and reliving the past, and every time I tried to block my thoughts, I would feel guilty. As if not thinking about her was some kind of betrayal.
It was impossible to let go while I kept her alive in my mind.
So I decided to approach this problem a different way.
The Secret Of Mind-Control
I remember that I visited some friends, (the first time I had gone out to meet someone), and I forced myself to NOT think about her for one hour.
Only for one hour.
What now seems almost laughable was nearly impossible to carry out back then. I committed to not beat myself up or feel guilty if I didn’t make it the hour.
But it worked. I made it – one hour without thinking about my Ex.
This was a real victory.
With time I expanded the time frame more and more. Additionally, I learned some mind-control techniques, like meditation and yoga.
The less I was thinking about her, the more I was able to let go.
My Recommendation For Further Reading:
- 10 Secrets About Men - Very Recommendable Inside-Tips from Christian Carter
- Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends - THE Classic Book About Breakup Recovery
- For Men: Getting Your Groove Back After A Breakup - Approaching Women and Getting Physical
5 Must-See Related Posts:
About The Author:
Eddie Corbano is a breakup-coach, relationship-advisor and founder of LovesAGame. He suffered from a devastating break up in 1998. Since then, he dedicated his life to helping others getting the best of this existential experience. The overcoming of a break up is an important step to autonomy and independency. Eddie Corbano developed some new coaching programs, which focus on evolving inner strength and the power to set and reach any personal goal. (Article written on March 16th, 2009)
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Tags: break up, coaching, depression, fear of loss, meditation, mind-control, newsletter, self-esteem
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Recent Comments:
Thanks alot Eddie, for the great advice. My girl broke up with me about 6 weeks ago. Its been an emoational rollercoaster. I love her dearly and want her...
DCnative | November 7, 2009 | more»
hey everyone…..i just wanted some advice…maybe someone can help. well….me and my boyfriend of 4 years broke up about 3 months ago. we have a 3...
lia | November 7, 2009 | more»
@-XchelsX- - hey well i think i would have done the same thing to be completely honest like idk i get a lil jealous when i think he is talk in to other girls i...
holly | November 6, 2009 | more»
It probably isn’t advisable but people do seem to need to do it! I’ve talked to lots of women who have done different things. Sometimes they get...
Sarah | November 6, 2009 | more»
I was dumped after two years of dating my Ex. I’ve known him for over 15 yrs but we only started dating in 07′ . When I met up with him in...
Jessie | November 5, 2009 | more»
Eddie,
okay, let me ask yu a very direct but a personal question. How have you done in relationships after your break-up? It has been many years since you broke up, and you are over it and a better person. But the real test is this: how successful have you been in a relationship after that?
Getting over should not mean a total detachment for relationships.
I hope I am not offending you in any way. Your insight will simply help me.
Shane,
Good question.
After this whole renewal process, I have gained a deeper understanding what being in a relationship really means. And by learning to be independent, I am now able to bring my whole person and personality into the relationship, not just a small part of it.
By defeating the fear of loss, I can now take my own decisions. The stronger you are and the better you know what you really want in a relationship, the more you attract that right partner for you, and the more you are able to acknowledge to yourself if it’s the wrong one.
Since I love myself unconditionally, I don’t need another person to fill the emptiness, I can exist on my own. And ONLY then finding true love is possible.
You’re right, the recovery process should not result in detachment for relationships, I strongly believe that if you do it right, the opposite is the case: the more you learn about yourself, the stronger your relationships will be.
As for my person, after the breakup I decided to enjoy life to the fullest, found my true love and am now happily married and father of twins (ups, gave away too much
).
Eddie
great article! i agree that the best way to get over a break up is to know one’s self and to help other people w their pain..thanks for giving hope and inspiration. . your articles helped me a lot! God bless!
Dear Eddie,
Your web site has been a tremendous help to me. I was involved in a long term (13 years) relationship that ended 5 months ago. It has been near impossible to impose the no contact rule since we have business ties that bind us together. He is now with another woman and this has been incredible painful. However, I read everything you write and it really does help. I am in the process of working on myself. Thanks.
Eddie, Best one yet. If you are not real neither am I. This is a very accurate description of my breakup and divorce. Having a little trouble moving on. I still get the pain and heartache like I have never felt. How can I miss someone who betrayed me and treated our marriage vows with total disrespect?
Thanks you help alot,
Wes
@Eddie Corbano -
Thank you Eddie. The biggest difficulty I am having is getting over the guilt and regrets…. What if I had not yelled at her when she “blew” away a thousand bucks on facials…. what if I had just accepted her many flaws and worked harder to compensate for them myself…. what if I didn’t do the “getting even with her” after she said or did something mean….
yes, I know I have a lot to learn…
eddie,
thank you for sharing with us your story. you helped me a lot–really.
Eddie, I love your break-up newsletters, it seems like each time I go thru a new phase of my break-up you’ve got some advice to help me see I’m not the only one going thru this. I really believe what you said about helping others to get over a break-up, that has been a big help for me. Thank you!
Good article – I’m in the same type of predicament myself as far as knowing the signs of where it’s all going with my gf of almost 6 years. I still care for her but I’m just not in love anymore and really really hate to hurt her. We display almost everything on the list – I can’t look her in the eye; she’ll talk of future plans and I remain silent; sex is maybe twice a month and that’s not even fun anymore..more like a chore. It’s probably been like this at least the last couple years. We broke up once for about a month but got back together and I’ve been regretting that ever since. She’ll even say (often) ‘you just look so miserable’. Guess that’s the answer and the biggest sign to what needs to be done. Alot of memories in 6 years to erase. Not only that, but she’s helped me with some biz ventures in the past few years – some good others not…so it’s almost like I feel I OWE her and stay for that reason. This guilt trip I have is killing me.
Hi,
pls help me. Desperately need help. I am going through a break up. It was a relationship that was going down hill for last 2 years but still when it ended 2 weeks back, i am not able to get over it. I know the no contact rule needs to be followed and he is not trying to contact me, but i have access to information regarding how he is doing, so I do find myself desperately seeking to know how he is dealing and hurt myself again and again. Its kinda become a addiction to wait every minute to get info about his whereabouts, what's he upto in his life etc etc. i want to stop doing this to myself. plspls help.
Kutty, Ive been in your shoes. I was in a realtionship for four yrs that ended 2months ago. Please dont look into his information, I had access to my exs phone and bank accounts. All it did was hurt me and pound me into the floor. After seeing the good time he was already having without me it was devestating! So my advice to you is be strong tell yourself that if you do that you are the one hurting yourself and no one else. Tell yourself everyday that you are choosing to be happy and dont let anyone tell you otherwise. You'll get through this stage just like I did!
eddy, I loved your article. I saw myself in every way. However I am not to the recovery point you got to. I had the same type of father, controlling and demanding, now I too have dependecy issues.
How do I, or how did you get over that???!
help!
@tina –
Tina, improving my self-esteem and self-worth did pretty much the trick for me (among other things). When I felt that changing many things in my life started to resolve.
Eddie
I am 6 months out of a 10 year relationship. I have learnt a lot about myself since the breakup. I see I was too focussed on him and his happiness and not my own (codependent issues). I recognise this now, and it’s such a relief to put a name to it.
Problem is I still love my ex and haven’t completely let go. He is dating again. He is trying to be friends and contacted me not long ago to talk about what we’ve both been going through. I’m not sure I want to – he left after all and is dating, so it’s not like he wants to reconcile. I have received mixed messages from him like sometimes he misses me a lot and it hurts, like he’s changing, etc. But bottom line is he isn’t here.
Not sure what to do.
@Eddie Corbano –
EDDIE, FOUND OUT ABOUT THIS WEBSITE WAS THE BEST!!!! THANK YOU FOR HELP PEOPLE LIKE ME, TO OVERCOME A BREAKUP.
Wow, I can totally relate to your story. I too was in a relationship for just about 10 years and all of a sudden he didn’t want to be with me anymore but as months passed by he started contacting me by text just to see if I was interested in a sex only relationship. I of course told him no even though it hurt like hell. To contact me only for sex was like a slap in the face. It was like he didn’t even acknowledge we had a 10 year relationship and it was so insensitive of him. It has been just about a year since I’ve seen him and I am still hurting but I am trying to adjust my life now. I have enrolled in school and am looking forward to attending so maybe I can start meeting people and re-connecting with people and moving on with my life. Everyday is a struggle but I force myself each day to get out of the house and inter-act with people. I wish you luck and I hope things get easier for you.
@Lisalisa – Codependent! Ha, I went out withsomeone like this and he dumped me! Crazy, took 2 years to get over, He tried to be all buddies and i said, you have issues, i htink you should see someone before you get intot another relationship. He then acknowldeged what a prick he was which sooo made me feel better closure. In the meantime, be STRONG! He wants your attention without wanting to commit to you. Keep reminding and retraining yourself to look for postivie people. Take on a new challenge, exercise.. Good luck!
I meant I was the one with codependent behaviours.
He is still trying to be buddies though. Just don’t know how to do that.
love yorself and wen u r in a crossroads make a decision u r in or u r out which side do u wanna be? , dont follow the no contact cuz I have achild with her, but tks, I feel i am getting out of a nut shell! exercise, exercise, excercise! patience, so a big reward will come! thks corbano
@ RJ – did you end it RJ?
IMHO, you either work towards a solution, or you don’t. If you don’t want to improve your relationship with your partner, why are you there? Be really sure of whatever decision you make.