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My Way Back Into Life – A Personal Story

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Know Thyself

Step by step, I learned to function again, to find myself again. The more I concentrated on myself and not on the outside, the more I learned who I really was.

I found out many things about myself back then, things I didn’t know before: what kind of a person I was and why I’d become like that. For a few months, I focused very intently upon this task: to learn who I really was.

I worked with counselors, (a very good friend who is a psychotherapist helped me tremendously to reach my personal goals), and educated myself in different categories of self-improvement.

It was all about self-improvement. Find out who you are and become a better person.

I learned more in 2 months about myself and how to improve my circumstances than in my entire life until then. And you know what happened? As I got to know myself, I started to like myself for the first time in my adult life.

The Mission

After that came a period where I wanted to give back what I had learned. I decided to help others, because I truly believed, (and still do believe), that this is one major secret to overcoming a break up.

I joined a breakup helpline, run by a nonprofit-making organization. I had to take a counseling course for a few months first before they would let me take calls from real people.

The experience was overwhelming.

I learned so much about breakup recovery and what people are mostly suffering from. I learned what helped them and what didn’t.

I learned that I wasn’t alone, that nearly every caller had the exact same problem that I had been suffering from.

Additionally, I did surveys with family, friends and other people on how they overcame their break ups.

I really was determined to find an applicable method to shorten the recovery time of a break up, and at the same time to improve themselves as a person.

Showdown

My next personal hurdle was something I was terribly afraid of: to face my Ex again.

I maintained No-Contact for almost 2 years and really didn’t know what to expect.

The result after I saw her again for the first time was very surprising: I was completely indifferent about my feelings toward her and it felt like I was meeting an old friend.

That was the proof for me that I was over her.

I finally did it.

A New Man

What happened after that?

Well, my life took a very fortunate turn after that. I had been able to resolve most of my issues, became stronger and confident, and understood the main pillars of a fulfilling relationship.

Like a phoenix I rose from the ashes and became a new person, a better me.

I’ve learned even more about effective break up recovery, and together with my friend the psychoanalyst, I developed a 7-step coaching program which has helped many people to get over their break ups in a record time.

So, what would you say – am I real?

Man, you won’t believe how real I am.

Your friend and coach,

Eddie Corbano

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About The Author:

is a breakup-coach, relationship-advisor and founder of LovesAGame. He suffered from a devastating break up in 1998. Since then, he dedicated his life to helping others getting the best of this existential experience. The overcoming of a break up is an important step to autonomy and independency. Eddie Corbano developed some new coaching programs, which focus on evolving inner strength and the power to set and reach any personal goal. (Article written on March 16th, 2009)
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  • Shane

    Eddie,
    okay, let me ask yu a very direct but a personal question. How have you done in relationships after your break-up? It has been many years since you broke up, and you are over it and a better person. But the real test is this: how successful have you been in a relationship after that?
    Getting over should not mean a total detachment for relationships.

    I hope I am not offending you in any way. Your insight will simply help me.

    • http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

      Shane,

      Good question.

      After this whole renewal process, I have gained a deeper understanding what being in a relationship really means. And by learning to be independent, I am now able to bring my whole person and personality into the relationship, not just a small part of it.

      By defeating the fear of loss, I can now take my own decisions. The stronger you are and the better you know what you really want in a relationship, the more you attract that right partner for you, and the more you are able to acknowledge to yourself if it’s the wrong one.

      Since I love myself unconditionally, I don’t need another person to fill the emptiness, I can exist on my own. And ONLY then finding true love is possible.

      You’re right, the recovery process should not result in detachment for relationships, I strongly believe that if you do it right, the opposite is the case: the more you learn about yourself, the stronger your relationships will be.

      As for my person, after the breakup I decided to enjoy life to the fullest, found my true love and am now happily married and father of twins (ups, gave away too much ;) ).

      Eddie

  • bubbles

    great article! i agree that the best way to get over a break up is to know one’s self and to help other people w their pain..thanks for giving hope and inspiration. . your articles helped me a lot! God bless!

  • Donna

    Dear Eddie,
    Your web site has been a tremendous help to me. I was involved in a long term (13 years) relationship that ended 5 months ago. It has been near impossible to impose the no contact rule since we have business ties that bind us together. He is now with another woman and this has been incredible painful. However, I read everything you write and it really does help. I am in the process of working on myself. Thanks.

  • Wes

    Eddie, Best one yet. If you are not real neither am I. This is a very accurate description of my breakup and divorce. Having a little trouble moving on. I still get the pain and heartache like I have never felt. How can I miss someone who betrayed me and treated our marriage vows with total disrespect?
    Thanks you help alot,
    Wes

  • Shane

    @Eddie Corbano -

    Thank you Eddie. The biggest difficulty I am having is getting over the guilt and regrets…. What if I had not yelled at her when she “blew” away a thousand bucks on facials…. what if I had just accepted her many flaws and worked harder to compensate for them myself…. what if I didn’t do the “getting even with her” after she said or did something mean….

    yes, I know I have a lot to learn…

  • http://ilaavhearts.blog.com ilaavhearts

    eddie,

    thank you for sharing with us your story. you helped me a lot–really.

  • Evi

    Eddie, I love your break-up newsletters, it seems like each time I go thru a new phase of my break-up you’ve got some advice to help me see I’m not the only one going thru this. I really believe what you said about helping others to get over a break-up, that has been a big help for me. Thank you!

  • RJ

    Good article – I’m in the same type of predicament myself as far as knowing the signs of where it’s all going with my gf of almost 6 years. I still care for her but I’m just not in love anymore and really really hate to hurt her. We display almost everything on the list – I can’t look her in the eye; she’ll talk of future plans and I remain silent; sex is maybe twice a month and that’s not even fun anymore..more like a chore. It’s probably been like this at least the last couple years. We broke up once for about a month but got back together and I’ve been regretting that ever since. She’ll even say (often) ‘you just look so miserable’. Guess that’s the answer and the biggest sign to what needs to be done. Alot of memories in 6 years to erase. Not only that, but she’s helped me with some biz ventures in the past few years – some good others not…so it’s almost like I feel I OWE her and stay for that reason. This guilt trip I have is killing me.

  • kutty

    Hi,
    pls help me. Desperately need help. I am going through a break up. It was a relationship that was going down hill for last 2 years but still when it ended 2 weeks back, i am not able to get over it. I know the no contact rule needs to be followed and he is not trying to contact me, but i have access to information regarding how he is doing, so I do find myself desperately seeking to know how he is dealing and hurt myself again and again. Its kinda become a addiction to wait every minute to get info about his whereabouts, what's he upto in his life etc etc. i want to stop doing this to myself. plspls help.

  • Cindy

    Kutty, Ive been in your shoes. I was in a realtionship for four yrs that ended 2months ago. Please dont look into his information, I had access to my exs phone and bank accounts. All it did was hurt me and pound me into the floor. After seeing the good time he was already having without me it was devestating! So my advice to you is be strong tell yourself that if you do that you are the one hurting yourself and no one else. Tell yourself everyday that you are choosing to be happy and dont let anyone tell you otherwise. You'll get through this stage just like I did!

  • tina

    eddy, I loved your article. I saw myself in every way. However I am not to the recovery point you got to. I had the same type of father, controlling and demanding, now I too have dependecy issues.

    How do I, or how did you get over that???!

    help!

  • http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

    @tina –

    Tina, improving my self-esteem and self-worth did pretty much the trick for me (among other things). When I felt that changing many things in my life started to resolve.

    Eddie

  • Lisalisa

    I am 6 months out of a 10 year relationship. I have learnt a lot about myself since the breakup. I see I was too focussed on him and his happiness and not my own (codependent issues). I recognise this now, and it’s such a relief to put a name to it.

    Problem is I still love my ex and haven’t completely let go. He is dating again. He is trying to be friends and contacted me not long ago to talk about what we’ve both been going through. I’m not sure I want to – he left after all and is dating, so it’s not like he wants to reconcile. I have received mixed messages from him like sometimes he misses me a lot and it hurts, like he’s changing, etc. But bottom line is he isn’t here.

    Not sure what to do.

  • FLAKA

    @Eddie Corbano –

    EDDIE, FOUND OUT ABOUT THIS WEBSITE WAS THE BEST!!!! THANK YOU FOR HELP PEOPLE LIKE ME, TO OVERCOME A BREAKUP.

  • Shopper

    Wow, I can totally relate to your story. I too was in a relationship for just about 10 years and all of a sudden he didn’t want to be with me anymore but as months passed by he started contacting me by text just to see if I was interested in a sex only relationship. I of course told him no even though it hurt like hell. To contact me only for sex was like a slap in the face. It was like he didn’t even acknowledge we had a 10 year relationship and it was so insensitive of him. It has been just about a year since I’ve seen him and I am still hurting but I am trying to adjust my life now. I have enrolled in school and am looking forward to attending so maybe I can start meeting people and re-connecting with people and moving on with my life. Everyday is a struggle but I force myself each day to get out of the house and inter-act with people. I wish you luck and I hope things get easier for you.

  • stacey

    @Lisalisa – Codependent! Ha, I went out withsomeone like this and he dumped me! Crazy, took 2 years to get over, He tried to be all buddies and i said, you have issues, i htink you should see someone before you get intot another relationship. He then acknowldeged what a prick he was which sooo made me feel better closure. In the meantime, be STRONG! He wants your attention without wanting to commit to you. Keep reminding and retraining yourself to look for postivie people. Take on a new challenge, exercise.. Good luck!

  • Lisalisa

    I meant I was the one with codependent behaviours.

    He is still trying to be buddies though. Just don’t know how to do that.

  • BILLY IN TX.

    love yorself and wen u r in a crossroads make a decision u r in or u r out which side do u wanna be? , dont follow the no contact cuz I have achild with her, but tks, I feel i am getting out of a nut shell! exercise, exercise, excercise! patience, so a big reward will come! thks corbano

  • lisalisa

    @ RJ – did you end it RJ?

    IMHO, you either work towards a solution, or you don’t. If you don’t want to improve your relationship with your partner, why are you there? Be really sure of whatever decision you make.

  • Abhijeet

    Eddie, You are doing a great service to people like me by way of this site. And I absolutely love the comments section. It gives great solace to know that there are others like me, and my heartbreak and suffering is not as unique as I had thought.

  • Paolo

    Dear Eddie;

    Good thing I stumbled unto your blog. My girlfriend broke up with me and we have dated for the past 7 years. I’m having the difficult time to move on because she has been a part of me for the longest time. Reading some of your entries, it got to me, that I should rediscover my self again, though it sounds easy, I know it takes a lot of hard work and focus. But can I ask you something? What coping mechanism can you suggest for me? I think I’m being clingy to her to the point that I can’t stop thinking about her and I want to be updated to her activities. Please help

    - Paolo

  • trueblue

    dear eddie

    i really enjoyed reading this article. you made me realize what i was when i was with my ex. i never realized that i was so afraid of losing him, just bec i felt that i never deserved him… and just like you, i was very dependent on him… and he became the center of my life. there was even a time when i absolutely dont care if i lose my family, as long as his still with me…

    after he broke up with me this January, my world literally crushed. i couldn't study or concentrate. it was torture.. the worse of it all after not talking for 4 months, he texted me and i told him that we needed to talk.. i guess i thought i wanted closure..

    and when we met, i cried and told him everything that i felt.. now i realize that it was so wrong.. showing him my true emotions.. i even asked him if we have a future together.. and he told me no, saying that we were so different.. before the day ended we agreed to be friends and managed to be together the whole time talking about the past and having fun ( so i thought) when i went home we texted again and he offered to teach me for my finals.. and so we met again 2 days after

    and from that time i was so happy, that time i said to myself that i'd rather be his friend than lose him forever… before we met, i was so excited to see him.. and when we finally met at the library he told me if it was a good idea meeting.. i told him whats wrong since he was the one who offered to help.. he then shrug his shoulders and said that maybe its not a good idea.. i felt bad… before i went home.. he told me that maybe after tonight we shouldn't be friends for a while and should wait it out…

    and once again he dumped me.. this time as friends..

    after some soul searching, i felt really tired of this feeling. feeling like a doormat.. i feel really better now.. your site really helps me regain my confidence back…

    maybe someday, i could really get over with this feeling and trully grow as a person.

    • http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

      Thank you for sharing.

      You WILL feel better and more confident, just give yourself time and permission to heal. And most important: maintain no-contact!

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  • erick

    Eddie, I'm from Brazil and really pleased to read about what you went through, because I felt just like you, being in this shoes of a person who lost the will to carry on, and had to make that choice. every single step, and the duration is about the same. I broke up a year ago after a 4 year destructive relationship full of jealousy, I had abandoned all that i was before and was merely a shadow to my partner. It took me 4 months in the first stage, i dropped out of university, went back to my parents', it was a very difficult period, i took anti-depressive pills, went to counselors and group therapy, churches and shamanic rituals, its almost comic looking back. Then it was another 6 months in the second stage, missing, feeling lonely, but i was taking better care of myself, looking better, lost all the weight i gained during the relationship, started dating again… but getting over made me feel guilty, like i had to be loyal to someone who didn't exist anymore. I started dating a month ago, and for the first time i feel in love again, ready to move on, to face my ex again, because i'm letting go. It's still painful, and i got really traumatized, but I'm in love and determined to make this new relationship works, to marriage. I'm trying to act more healthy now, and I won't accept anything but a happy and healthy relationship. i would pretty much like to help people too, here in Brazil. is there a way we can keep in touch?

  • http://www.luvfree.com FreeDating

    I am in the process of working on myself. Thanks.

  • Sparkynh2004

    I have been googling how to get over a break up for several days. I was in a 6 year relationship with someone that I thougt was great for me since we had alot of the same interests and goals. Although I look back and I knew the last few years that things weren't that great. We both had problems the last few years with adjustments to our lives outside the relationship. I just hoped that things would improve I really wanted us to be back to the way we were before. Anyways I read the article and I saw myself in much of it. I had a controlling mother who clamped down on everything I did, she is very religious and got pregnant with me before getting married and was very controlling on everything I did outside of home. I guess she just didn't want me to make her mistake and get someone pregnant too, but it just made me want to just stay home and not do anything so I wouldn't get the fifth degree afterwards. It made me bitter to my mother and not talk to her but I have started again because I realize she was just doing what she thought was best at the time. It just stinks that my relationship ended and now I see all of this when it is too late to save it. I am feeling scared of being alone, I moved out of my hometown recently (my dilema outside of the relationship) due to my place of employment closing and had a hard time adjusting. Having a hard time meeting people when I had a good core of friends back at home. I guess that might have to do with my low self esteem too. I just find things frustrating and here I am just sitting in bed typing away when normally I would be out hunting, one of my favorite pastimes. I just don't know what to do or how to go about it.

  • Isa Belle

    Thanks so much for sharing, I felt like I was reading about my childhood in your post, but instead of it being my father, it was my mother. And instead of being the dumpee, I've been the dumper in my long-term relationship (over 8 years)- not once but at least 4 times. Each time going back because I loved her so much, and needed her constant acceptance of me as a way to boost up my self esteem. I also felt such guilt about being the dumpee and almost used that as a way to punish myself for not making it work. Needless to say, I've been in this vicious cycle for a long time. I left 2 years ago and went to New Zealand and thought that was it, but I left a lot of my stuff at her place. Now I came back thinking I could handle being 'friends', and take my stuff, but seeing that she is doing great without me, even better actually leaves me devastated. I also realize that I gave everything to her, all of me. How do you take that back? How do you start? I'm doing the no-contact rule as soon as I get my stuff out, but I'm terrified of who I'm going to find under this layer of guilt and loneliness. I just hope that I can move on the way she has.

  • Tanu

    Well I never thought i would be writing this, but I dumped a guy after a relationship of 5 years. I loved him so much, but when he moved out of the country, just to get some emotional support i fell for some other guy. All this while my ex was trying to get back to me, and I was feeling very guilty. But i really did not wanted to go back to him and be alone here. Now this new guy is nice to me, but he is very practical, on the other hand i am very emotional and thought of being alone scares the hell out of me. We fight a lot, so he thinks that it is best we break up. I too want to get back to my ex and break up with thsi new guy, but just because I don wanna leave my life here and this guy with who i have so much fun and a great life (if we don fight), I don wanna go back. I am guilty and sad that i left him, and i don love this new guy much, but i still want to be here with him. And i cry whenever he says that he dosent want to be with me, even though i don love him much.
    This am sure is so confusing, for you to understand may be. But this is, how much confused I am.

  • BABA…BABABOOMANDCRASH

    Question Eddie,
    Have you had any breakups post 1998 that made you feel as bad as that? and how different was your reaction and how did you handle it in comparrison to 1998?  Thanks.

    • http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

      I have not had any break-ups where I was the “dumpee” since that time, believe it or not (and I am married since 2007).

      I attribute that mainly to the fact that I gained a new sense of ME. A stronger me that does not rely on a partner to find happiness.

      If you need a partner in order to feel good about yourself you will always be in a needy and low power position. That was MY personal main issue.

      However, I had quite a few breakups where I was the “dumper” since then. This was very difficult at first as I knew how devastating it was, but later on it became easier (due to different reasons).

      Eddie

      • BABA…BABABOOMANDCRASH

        Hmmmm…does tht mean you broke up BEFORE someone could dump you ? was that a reactionary response as to what happened as oppossed to it just being a stronger sense of self…obviously I realize you cant quiet respond in depth and there were probably many different experiences and different reasons for any and all relationships.  I am happy that you are happily married.  I wasnt reliant on my partner for happiness. I am still very happy with myself and my life and I actually have a higher than normal need for alone time.  I was in real love I loved him he was awesome and a good person I am the one feeoling rejected and angry about it out of pain but my rational mind understands this.  I dont regret the relationship I was very lucky to have had an incredible 10 months with someone who I was happy to be around and luckier than alot of pople who havent ever felt such connectedness and love with someone.  It ran its course we never fought, disagreement maybe once.  it just wasnt meant to be I had too much baggage with a special needs child and it was too much, I think.  I feel strong in myself, just so sad at the loss of such an incredible time, even tho logically I KNOW there will be happiness as I am happy and have a happy full life and am sure , only because I choose to want to share my life with someone, that I will have more chances that will happen.  I LOVE your site your insight, your words are wonderful  and am thankfull it helps me as it does others.  thanks for responding, take care. NC working on day 9 tomorrow 1.5 hrs away…its tough LOL. Its for me!!! :)

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  • Beca

    This article is so true.

    I know because I have experienced the effects of not loving yourself and relying on your partner for happiness.

    This really contributed to my breakup. At the moment I am really struggling with feelings of self-worth.

    Because the FIRST time he dumped me, I told myself it would get better.

    I found this site and read Eddie’s advice… Started working on loving myself and realising he wasnt good enough for me….

    But then I broke no contact accidentally- we bumped into each other,,, and  it led to me falling for him again, and him AGAIN dumping me…..

    So I am back on this site re-reading Eddie’s advice… 

    It is a lot harder for me this time around, because I feel i let myself down.. 

    I should have followed the NC… instead I let myself become the needy emotionally unstable person I had been months before… 

    So that scares me. But I know I have to make an extra-big effort this time round… 
    He dumped me, I tried to make it work- but it could NEVER HAVE WORKED while I didnt love myself.
    So like Eddie says, him dumping me is going to be the best thing that ever happened… 
    And I need to start believing that and rebuilding my confidence after the knock it has taken in the last few months.

  • http://lovesagame.com/ Eddie Corbano

    Hi Yokilittlerain,

    The “7 steps program” is my one-on-one live coaching program that I do since 2005.

    The last 6 month I have been working on transforming this into a home study program I call “Ex-Detox System”. This will go live in approx. two weeks.

    Please subscribe to my list for updates and a huge discount.

    Thanks,
    Eddie