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No-Contact Help: How To Fight The Urge To Contact Your Ex – Part 3

You know the drill.

The second part of the No-Contact Help Thread quickly filled up with nearly 3600 comments!!! so we have to move to another one, because that page takes really long to load.

I am looking to find all “No-Contacters” a permanent home and this should be the last “move”.

Thank you for your understanding.

Until then, same procedure as last time:

  • Post your No-Contact Count (in days)
  • Get the things you want to say out of your system

Again I want to thank all posters who shared their stories and those who helped with words of advice and comfort.

Thank you!

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

12,488 Responses to No-Contact Help: How To Fight The Urge To Contact Your Ex – Part 3

  1. Anon August 27, 2016 at 10:13 am #

    My ex and I split one week ago today. Am now only on day 3 of full no contact. We have an 11 week old son together. I have to say today has been so hard. Because I want to tell him things that our son has been doing. But I can’t because if I message now I will feel like I am back at square one again.

    • Cosmin August 27, 2016 at 11:24 am #

      Anon: don’t break the NC, it will be hard days like today, but in the end will be good, when you feel the need to talk, call a friend , a member of family, or distract yourself for that moment, but keep the NC, you can do that, and you will find a better person on the end of this road…

  2. Tod marty August 28, 2016 at 6:03 am #

    5 year realtionship with her. Ended 4 months ago. broke nc one month after it ended. I am now 2 months 6 days no contact and the urge to contact is just uncomfortable but i guess contacting just digs me in a deeper hole so i see no other option. As shes already been with a rebound. Most would say move on and yes my brain is but my hearts not. Shes my first it sucks but life moves on and god dam its rough.

  3. Anonymous September 5, 2016 at 5:37 am #

    Over a year dating a highly attentive man – text every single morning, phone calls every night…the perfect boyfriend. The caveat: despite a monogomous relationship as a couple (met his kids, friends, family, taken long weekends), he wouldn’t call me his girlfriend. He wasn’t able to commit to a relationship. He was struggling with balancing kids & work and was not ready for a relationship. He wanted to grow together slowly – and maybe have a relationship in the future. WTH? He wouldn’t commit but wouldn’t let me go the multiple times I tried.

    I finally cut the cord. He was on Tinder the next day. Aside from “it was hard for him because he feels a void,” he had zero grief. I began to heal through NC (8 days) until finding out he was trying to hook up with my hairdresser thru Tinder – they could be soul mates & he was open to have more kids (compete lies). Verbally shredded him with crazy extreme cruelty feeling humiliated and crushed. His response: I’m sorry my actions hurt you.

    5-days of NC, and received a birthday text. I didn’t respond. That night received an email “Happy Birthday. Thinking of you.” Replied with Thanks!

    It set me back to square one of anxiety and pain. 3 days of NC went to church for a touching sermon which prompted me to make amends. I sent a text of apology and had brief exchanges His responses were one line, but he started in with his manipulative vague half truths which are really half lies!!

    The positive is that I clearly see his manipulation. BUT WHY?!? His actions showed he cared and he couldn’t let me go, but he couldn’t be my BF?!? How was this entire relationship fake?! How did he remain disconnected after 14 months? How did I not see him stringing me along?

    We’ll never understand the answers to these questions other than to know we have learned. Someone better is out there. His ambivalence is his loss for missing out on the beauty of love.

    He has admitted he was selfish, that I am amazing, it will hurt him to know I will be with someone else, and he sees are time together as only goodness.

    I DONT UNDERSTAND?!?! It is the rejection and my complete stupidity of believing we had so much more. How could I be so stupid? I want to scream at him! But it is really me I hate.

    The volatile emotions make NC so very difficult. I saw it help within the first week. Today the clock was reset. We all need to take it day by day knowing each day will get better.

    Sending my love out to everyone on here. We are strong. We are worthy. This is a lesson. This pain will pass.

  4. Louis September 5, 2016 at 7:49 pm #

    June 8 she said I can’t marry you. She left me once before last September for 3 months when my brother was dying. I wrote letters to her then about once a month. Last one was to tell her my brother had died. All of my family lives 1100 miles away. While we were apart then she dated someone. I was so devastated I semi-stalked her because I had too much pain on my plate. It was a rebound for her I suppose. I went out a couple of times myself. But, my heart was not in it. December 3 she sends me one line text “I want to be friends.”

    They say the person who cares the least has the easiest time letting go.

    Anyway, March 27 she asks me to marry her. I say yes, but fact she was dating while my brother was dying is eating on me, but I love this girl and still do. I asked her if she was intimate with this guy and her response was that we were broken up and me asking about that was an invasion of her privacy. Meanwhile I told her that I had dated and told the woman I was dating that my brother was dying and I couldn’t get involved because I had just broken up. The woman I was dating said “I completely understand.” My ex said when I told her that “I don’t need to know about that” and got angry when what I was trying to do was give her assurance that I didn’t do anything while we were apart. (My ex finally told me in May 2 weeks before we broke up “nothing happened.”)

    We bought her ring, paid off honeymoon cabin. Make plans to get married the day after the 1 year anniversary of my brother’s death.

    In May, we fought about the dating thing. I couldn’t let it go. Realize now that jealousy is controlling behavior and I was co-dependent because I have no family here. I understand how co-dependency ruins things. It doesn’t make me the man she wants to follow. I have a few friends, but I think I was too needy when we got back together. I have done a ton of soul searching to accept my responsibility and admit this. I really want a chance to explain this to her, but I may never get that chance. I can’t fix what happened before June 8. I wish I would have had communication skills to have worked all of that out with her then. I guess she just wanted me to be strong enough to deal with it on my own.

    Since June 8, I have hurt beyond anything I have ever experienced. I’m in my 50’s so this isn’t some puppy love thing. I NC’D her until July 2 (23 days), then broke down and sent her a book called Plan B which is about what do you do when God doesn’t show up the way you thought he would. Put a short note in there saying that it was helpful to me and wished her well (no groveling). No response. NC’d her again July 28 and wrote letter apologizing for things I had done wrong in the relationship — admitted controlling behaviors that I was not proud of and humbled myself (semi-groveling). No response. NC’d her again until Aug. 8. Emailed her re getting things I had left at her house that I needed to get, plus discussion about getting refund on cabin rented for honeymoon. I had given her money to pay for it because she is good at budgeting. Her response was to tell me to have someone meet her to get my things. Wrote her back Aug. 14 and said I didn’t want money back on cabin and asked her to drop things off behind gate at my house during time I would not be here. No response. Sept. 3, I give her contact info to a friend for her to go pick up my stuff. Exchange occurred yesterday morning at 10am. She put note and a gift inside. Gift was zip drive of restoration conference (John Eldredge and Dan Allender) she attended last March. Note said “I am not angry. I wish you only blessings in this life and the next (I had used that same language in 2 previous emails to her). Remember Phil 4:8. Let that be your guide. I am giving you this gift from a heart of hopefulness that it will set you free from the past. Thank you for not communicating with me, it helps my heart to heal. Will look for you in heaven. (She used that exact same language last fall when we broke up).

    I had been getting stronger, but the reality of her returning my things and that note devastated me. I broke down, because I have missed her so bad. Foolishly sent her a text telling her that I had been grieving this breakup for 3 months. That I just wanted a chance to sit down and talk because the break was so sudden and told her I was moving away because there are too many painful reminders of us in this city. No response. Later, after calming down, I sent short email apologizing for communicating by text because that violated the boundary she set by thanking me for not contacting her.

    I’m a mess, can’t let go of the thought of us, especially knowing she has. Knowing that me honoring her request not to communicate so she can heal, means that my heart hurts so bad because we can’t communicate. I know I have to NC this again and build myself back up again. But there is this impending sense of dread about our once planned wedding date and anniversary of my brother’s death coming up in November. We deliberately planned the date then so as to alleviate the anniversary of my brother’s death. Now it will be a double whammy. Plus for Valentine’s day I bought her tickets to a concert by her favorite musical artist. Concert is Oct 22.

    My history is that I can go about a month NC and then my willpower gives out. I think she’s gone for good this time. It is like a drug. I’m fighting against co-dependency. It is just so much pain because I was very caring and loving to her, but the controlling from insecurity ruined it. That’s killing me because I can’t take it back no matter how much I wish she could see that I want to be done with being that way.

    Sorry so long.

  5. John September 13, 2016 at 6:14 pm #

    I just broke up with my ex 2 weeks ago was a relationship of 2 years . I’m 21. She was my first and I did love her a lot. Somewhere I guess I did give her power during the relationship. We were in a long distance relationship. She cheated on me with a guy and told me the next morning. Then she dumped me. When I asked why she said we were over long ago and I should move on. I cried and am in pain. I wasn’t her first bf and she has quite a past. After a week of trying to “find answers” I finally cut her off. I mean I know it should have been done immediately but I was too hurt and not thinking straight. It just kills me to know she has moved on and is happy with this guy(probably) . I have been loyal to her and we were really serious. Now and again I think about our time together. I still have our photos somewhere in my hard-disk and can’t get myself delete them. I hate her I do but I used to love her so much that I can’t get myself to believe what she did and how cold she became . I’m away from my family and friends (for further studies) so basically have less support. Hence its been really tough to move on. Its just been a week of no contact and I always feel like shouting at her or Making her feel bad in any way possible. And I want to see her suffer how I am suffering. I get jealous of the other guy because she met him 2 days before (they are in same university). And she said he’s a nice guy and she hangs out at his place etc. If I could I really want to beat up that guy ( ya I know real mature). Its just I’m struggling.
    I grew a bit insecure towards the end cz of her being with him and another guy for long time at his place. So I blame myself for that. Also just the night before we Skyped and she said she loves me a lot and we will get through the phase. That’s why it’s hurting so much I just wish that day didn’t happen
    This is the first time I’ve ever written on a site
    I want to be stronger at dealing with this.
    Thank you for helping me let my feelings out. 🙂

    • Kimber September 20, 2016 at 10:08 pm #

      Hi! I hope your better today than when you posted. I feel that each day there is distance from the ex the better I feel. I know you want to lash out, hurt her deeply but I think the best revenge is to be the better person. To hold your head up high, smile and appear that your life is great even without her. I know that is hard. But, it’s like the saying goes “fake it till you make it.” Also, when you think about your own character, morals and principles you don’t want to have bad thoughts about your behavior to reflect upon. For instance, you don’t want to look back and be embarrassed that you couldn’t control yourself and beat up the new guy. Or that you made her cry. You want to look back and think that was painful but I handled it well. I handled it like a man with a broken heart but with integrity and class. Seems to me she is being mean to you bringing up the other guy. This is “on her”. Her class, her integrity, her character. Don’t stoop to her level. Just say to her “Good for you I am glad we are both happy now.” I know the last part “we are both happy now” will stick in her mind. That is as much of a dig as you should give her only b/c she is being a little mean. But, don’t take it further. Remember words can’t hurt just as much as a punch and last forever. Good luck. We are all in the same boat. Trying to heal and move on.

      • John September 26, 2016 at 6:27 am #

        Hi ! Thank you for your advice. It makes sense. And i am doing better just sometimes when i see other couples i envy them. I also envy the fact that she had it easy and now is with the new guy. And I feel she was should have broken up before cheating which makes me upset like i got played. Its true that now that i look back i realized i was too much into her and somewhere i didnt enjoy everytime. I used to be the one trying harder to make it work. But i really envy how easily she moved on, and that she already found a guy to sleep arounf with. I on the other hand am an introvert and i have no intentions of having any flings etc. I just miss the old her sometimes. The one who actually love me.
        And yes when i told her that i never thought she would ever cheat as its damaging her character. She said yes i know but i did it cause i wanted to and so you would go out of this relationship. So those words still sting me kinda feel like a loser who got dumped.
        Thanks again for your advice. 😀

  6. Panda September 23, 2016 at 3:30 pm #

    I broke up with my ex 3 days ago and this is what I would desperately like to tell him, but I wont:

    You are a pathetic, jealous, insecure loser. I wish I had let go of you 4 years ago. Your desire to control me is sick. You need psychological help. You sexually harassed me. You disrespected me. You hurt and damaged me. You murdered my soul. You threw the most precious belonging I had in the river. You are mentally ill for doing something so messed up like that. I feel so sorry for you. I feel so much pity. I can’t see how you could ever find love in life. I don’t understand why I love you, but I still do. It is because I know you love me too. However, we can never be together. We are not meant to be. If we really love each other we have to let each other go and be in peace.

    The ultimate tragedy is not the oppression and cruelty by the bad people but the silence over that by the good people. Thank you, for showing me the value to speak. I choose to draw my lessons from this relationship and be the best person I can be.

    I hope everyone else will do too.

  7. Ted September 24, 2016 at 3:12 am #

    Im going on day 5 of no contact. I have been hitting the gym like crazy and running for the last 5 days. The only thing that really helps. Trouble sleeping and feeling really numb!

    It was only a 3month short-term relationship that i screwd up really badly with a few bad misstakes. Anyways i have been singel for the last 2 years after a really though breakup and she is the first girl in all that time i fell for, fell really heard and started to like her. We hade a connection, she said it also.

    Anywyas she told me that she has so much in her life right now and that she just couldn’t let go of the misstakes i made (Drunk called her and flipped i few weeks ago), she said we will see in the future and that she is going to miss me.

    So i told her that i hope you manage to sort out your problems and be happy one day, you desirve it, take care and thank you for this time. Few of the best months in along time.

    Im struggilng, going on day 6, night time is the worse! So i really want her back and another chance.

    Hope she will forget the drama and start to miss me. I know NC is for moving on and thats what im trying to do but i miss her som darn much!

    Really helpfull tread, sry for the bad english, please reply and give me your thoughts. And im sry for the bad english, greats from Finland.

  8. eptxguy September 26, 2016 at 7:07 am #

    Well, it is day 20 since NC. We had broken up several times before, but the NC would not last and we would get back together. One thing we had, the sex was great.
    She has texted me 3x since I had last spoken to her, but I have not responded. Have I wanted? Yes. Have I checked her Facebook page? Yes. However, since 20 days have gone by, the feeling to contact her lessens, and checking her FB page also has lessened. I am happier now that I don’t have to explain myself to her. She was very controlling, but she could have all her FB male friend she wanted, and would not give that up. She was also involved in her high school alumni association where her ex was heavily involved in also. She would not give that up and did not know why it would bother me. I really should have never gotten involved with her. I want to text her so many ugly things but I won’t . I will voice my feelings here. She lives in the past and can’t let highs school go. By the way, she is 52 years old, and still lives in high school days.

  9. Claire September 27, 2016 at 4:00 am #

    I’m struggling. I knew from day one I had to start no contact if I had any hope of winning him back so we’ve been split up 7 days and no contact 6.5 days. (One text was sent but nothing at all horrendous). I’m usually the girl that’s texting and calling. I’m being so strong this time and it’s so hard. Why hasn’t he text me to see if I’m okay? We broke up because he didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore but he still had feelings for me. So confused and just want him back. I know this isn’t the end for us so how do I make it not the end.

  10. MindScrewed September 27, 2016 at 12:00 pm #

    Day 2 of no contact which I’ve broken more times than I care to admit.

    I’m determined to do it this time because all contact had been abusive mean and nasty and each time I offer the olive branch I’m rail traded again. I’m sick of causing myself this pain over and over again. He’s emotionally manipulative and his lies go around in my head and make me so sad I want to defend myself against them and each time it’s chaos so I’m finished with this.

    Finding courage from anywhere to keep this up!

    We broke up August 18th and it’s just been hell after two years together.

    Help me. 😢

  11. mugnomore September 27, 2016 at 9:24 pm #

    Hope all of you are ok, my god finding this site has helped! I’ve just been out to walk the dogs as needed to try to escape from my mind for a bit. It ended with my ex after saying I couldn’t go it anymore because of his actions. The next day I had a feeling in my gut that he was with someone, so I grabbed a girlfriend and went around there and bang there is a girl in his bed with him! Instead of grovelling back he blamed me for everything! I begged and pleaded and admitted I may have a part to play in it! Anyway it got nasty and we stopped contact just after Xmas. I missed him like crazy but not sure if it was a habit I was used to! I contacted him in Jan and no reply. I then found out this girl was still on the scene and that made me strong, it actually made me feel how could he do that to me! Then in Feb I got a text from him saying how hard it had been etc! I didn’t respond, he then called me, I find Him I knew! He said she wasn’t on scene anymore, blah blah! Anyway suggested meeting but said he wasn’t ready! All got nasty again! I then called him and told him I could never forgive him for what he had done and why! Again no contact for a bit until I got a text saying he www going through family trouble and he had no one to talk to, I was texting him as I was out the country. I then arrive back in U.K. And the texts come flooding in, I miss you etc! I then find out there is another little girl on the scene! His friends ex! So I call him up going mad at him saying how can you fill me with loads of crap yet do that? He gave me all the bull etc and wanted to meet, I said I would give him a couple of weeks to sort out his situation. Day before we were going to meet came and he didn’t reply to my text! I went out that eve with the girls and I see him stood in the same nightclub with yet another girl! All kicked off again! He then called me the next day saying I deserved an explanation etc! We were ok and he said he would contact me the next day, he didn’t! So I went mad on a text giving him all the home truths then blocked him! He then contacted my family wanting his stuff back, it got very nasty! I then went to a festival and got caught up in moment and text him I was sorry as I didn’t like being bitter! He then text back filling me with the love crap! Said he would get back to me, a week later I got a text! I had to act and say enough is enough and we were actually fine and wished each other all the best! I then get a text weeks later when he was on holiday saying he missed me and all the love stuff etc! He then acted very cold when he got back, I suggested meeting and that was a struggle to get him to meet me! We met and I was an anxious mess! Shaking etc! Couldn’t say the things I wanted too! We then left and I said I needed to meet up again as has things to say, he couldn’t give me a date just that he was busy! It all took me back to the beginning and I didn’t want to feel like that again so I sent a text wishing him well and blocked him! I then got the urge to contact him weeks later and it all turned messy again! Nasty etc! I’ve recently been on holiday and missed him terribly as I had lots of time to think, I stupidly text him when I got back last week pouring my heart out to get a blunt text back saying “I’ve moved on, don’t contact me” ouch that hurt like hell! I then found out it’s yet another little girl! So I sent a text saying how dare you fill me with crap about love yet you move on so fast etc! He was blocked for the last time! He then turned up on my doorstep the day after! I didn’t answer. This has been going almost 10 months! I’m so annoyed at myself for letting him in after what he did! He has played me for a fool for so long! I’m so bitter about it all as the things he said were mega serious yet he moves on so quick! No contact is so important people, you don’t want to end up like me after 10 months. I’ll know I’ll be fine as I’m over the worst, what happened in December made me feel pain I’ve never felt in my life! And I’ve lost close family members. It’s comforting to know I’m not alone

    • Susan September 29, 2016 at 4:15 pm #

      Mug,

      Oh how we all know your pain! I’m a year out now and have the unfortunate “pleasure” of working for my ex.

      The key is understanding that the exes don’t deserve to control the way we feel about ourselves. Their behaviors have absolutely nothing to do with us – are in fact, none of our business!

      Narcissists in particular have a way of holding us down in that hole of desperation despair and self-loathing. We must stop giving them permission to do that. They are not that important.

      The way out, scratching and clawing, is to center our lives, attention and emotions around ourselves. Spoil ourselves the way we used to spoil them.

      NC is the path out of the hole. You will with time, I promise, gain perspective on the life-suck that the wrong partner can be in your life. The freedom is delicious and it will come. Be gentle with yourself, and patient.

  12. Danielle September 30, 2016 at 9:48 pm #

    Thank you so much for your kind words Susan, it means a lot. Wow working with your ex, that sounds hard but you sounds ok now?

    I get good days and bad days. I’m not sure if I’m more annoyed at myself believing all the words that came from his mouth for such a long time. Maybe I’m bitter as they clearly meant nothing saying as he has moved on so fast to a young girl, I don’t know 🙁 still confused as to why after this long I’ve allowed him to do this. X

  13. Kimber September 30, 2016 at 10:04 pm #

    I am back on no contact day 1. My heart and my struggle every moment of every day. I do not understand why I think and feel the way I do. I wish I could be strong and just make a decision and stick to it. I will start my no contact and blow it at some point. This last time was 13 days. I text him. I don’t understand why I am attached to this man. Why I won’t let go. I have read every article. I have journaled. ect. And yet I feel like I am at the same place I was after break up. Currently we are friends. Including fb friends. Platonic. Our contact is 75% me and 25 % him. We have met for lunch and/or dinner. I know who he is. His character, morals, the bad things he has done and would probably still do b/c doesn’t seem like he has remorse. Also seems like he has rewritten history to minimize what he had done. I was no easy partner either. I made things difficult for him. I overanalyzed, nagged, badgered, didn’t trust. ect. I haven’t moved on. I have not dated anyone in more than a year. I tried. I did the online dating but every guy I ended up talking to was really bad. Like no job, or still married, or gets into fights just b/c. I closed that profile. To many weird guys. Any way, part of me wants to remain friends. But then when we are done eating and we say our good bye’s I want more. I want him to text me the next day to get together. I want him to call me. I want a relationship. And I get nothing. I know it’s different for men and women. A man can enjoy dinner with you and never think of you again. So logically my head says don’t even be his friend. He did bad things to me in relationship i.e. lying. But, the part of him that is good and we get along my heart has hope and wants more. I feel consumed by thoughts of him. I have anxiety b/c of my thoughts and feelings. When I did the no contact for like months I was happy. Well as happy as I could be. But now that we are friends all the old anxiety and stress, and overanalyzing ect have come back. I hate it…. I want it to stop. I want to be strong enough to just stop. Sometimes I feel like I’m addicted to him. Which I don’t understand that part of me. I am not an addict any where in my life to anything. Except him. I believe he does things to antagonize me too. To get a reaction from me. It’s a vicious cycle.

  14. ANONYMOUS October 1, 2016 at 4:44 am #

    If you are at the beginning of the no contact period how do u guys deal with the urge of looking at their social media page I currently dont have my ex as a friend on my FB page but i feel anxiety to look at it although i know im goung to see things that will hurt me . Help i feel this urge and i get anxiety ive already son the mistake of sending messages and calling him after our break up its been like a week but its barely day one for no contact help im going crazy

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