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No-Contact Help: How To Fight The Urge To Contact Your Ex – Part 3

You know the drill.

The second part of the No-Contact Help Thread quickly filled up with nearly 3600 comments!!! so we have to move to another one, because that page takes really long to load.

I am looking to find all “No-Contacters” a permanent home and this should be the last “move”.

Thank you for your understanding.

Until then, same procedure as last time:

  • Post your No-Contact Count (in days)
  • Get the things you want to say out of your system

Again I want to thank all posters who shared their stories and those who helped with words of advice and comfort.

Thank you!

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

12,549 Responses to No-Contact Help: How To Fight The Urge To Contact Your Ex – Part 3

  1. Angela March 3, 2013 at 2:52 am #

    Day 0 of NC. I’ve tried before got as far as five days. He was the one that I thought I would spend my life with after only three months. I told him I loved him, I couldn’t keep it in anymore. I wasn’t blinded I knew his faults, I knew his issues. He had just gotten divorced. I had gotten over my divorce a while back but had several years to get over it before it was finalized. After about five months he broke things off saying he couldn’t love me etc. but that he cared etc. Then after a few days we were back together but not quite together as he couldn’t name it. Then three months later a week before valentine’s day he breaks up with me. Saying he doesn’t think he loves himself and that the chemistry is missing to fall in love with me. But he’ll treasure our time together and that he’s learned alot from me. And then over the course of a few weeks of sporadic NC he tells me he misses me, yes I asked, and that he cares deeply. Yesterday he says he cares deeply for me, wants to be with me, but can’t love me and that’s why he called it quits. He wants me to be free to find someone better who can love and care for me as deeply as I am ready to love. He’s always said I was too good for him and that he didn’t deserve me. I just don’t understand how you can say you care for someone, plus other things he’s said that indicated that he could love me, and that you want to be with them but that you can’t love them. I just don’t understand the logic. If it’s because he’s got issues and can’t love himself then to me that simply says he can only love the wrong women for him and not someone he knows who can make his life more fulfilling and happy.

  2. Adam, UK March 3, 2013 at 3:25 pm #

    Update from me:-

    Last Thursday I was doing great. Had a fantastic day. My colleagues at work were stunned how happy I was and my friends were gradually welcoming the old Adam back.

    Went to bed nice and early and I dreamt about my ex. Not directly about her, but about pursuing her. About chasing her down. My friend who was in the dream pulled me away by my ear and that’s when I awoke. I woke up chuckling a little bit before I did something I don’t normally do when I woke up in the night. I checked my phone.

    At about 2am, I had received two texts from my ex. One of them said (along the lines of), ‘I know there’s no going back and there’s no resolution to the situation but I wanted you to know, for your solace, that I’m in absolute hell’.

    Almost immediately it was followed by another message that stated, ‘please disregard the previous message. Thank you in advance. I realise that my hell started a long time before your input, unfortunately’.

    That was it. A message basically saying ‘hey, you know I dumped you and we can’t be together, well we can’t be together. Also, please ignore this message.’

    I obviously couldn’t get back to sleep. I had a hell of a night. All sorts of thoughts. I quickly had deleted the messages in line with NC but since then its been a bit messy again for me. Constant thinking, constant wondering.

    I told my friends, some of them who are mutual acquaintances of my ex and they were angry that I received those messages. ‘How dare she do that to you’ was the most common comment. They said if I ever decided to revisit the situation, then I’d have no friends left. Also that if she contacts me again, I must be nasty in response to stop her from doing it again. I’m not sure i would be able to be, although she probably deserves it.

    So, yeah, that’s where I stand. Still observing NC but set back a bit, probably because my ex had an argument with the new guy and got drunk.

    It was funny tho, I saw my ex walk past a pub I was in on Friday and sitting in the window I was pretty visible. She started running as she saw me. My friends said ‘yeah carry on running’.

    I still miss her though.

  3. Claire March 3, 2013 at 6:53 pm #

    Day 3 of no contact.
    My ex and I were together for 3 years and unfortunately we work in the same office. We split up because of his constant need to email or text other women, he was sneaky with his phone and because we worked together, every time I went to his desk he’s mailing someone.
    We broke up in October but we’ve been in contact pretty much everyday, I’ve vented my anger and frustration at him and he kept saying that if I stopped giving him crap about other women then we would have a chance. The problem is is this has been going on ever since we got together, I know I have a lack of trust but I still love him a lot and last Thursday I said my final goodbye to him and asked him for nc, I am on day 3 now but I’m dreading going into work tomorrow because we work within close proximity to each other and it’s hard hearing him laugh and flirt with other girls
    I’m finding it hard not to contact him because I miss him so much

    • Adam, UK March 3, 2013 at 7:40 pm #

      I know how hard it must be Claire. I work with my ex too but thankfully we’re on different floors. I have to pretty much leave the office on all breaks and lunches because of the fear of seeing her around.

      Look at it this way, if he had any shred of respect for you, he wouldn’t do the flirting in the office in front of you. That, in my book, is a cowardly act. Even if he is doing it to make you feel better.

      Focus on your work. Book some time off. Consider moving to another department in your office far away from him.

      Don’t fall into the jealousy trap of biting because he’s showing off.

      NC is hard and you will have setbacks. I’m going through one right now.

      Stay as strong as you can.

      • Claire March 3, 2013 at 7:50 pm #

        Thanks Adam that helps a lot. He is quite selfish and has never considered my feelings even when we were together never mind now we’ve split.

        He always contacts me when he wants something and i’ve made so many mistakes with him. even the other day he texted me in work to ask if he could lend some money! then the same day i see him flirting and emailing this girl that sits opposite me!
        He looks at me as soon as he leaves her desk. It’s so childish and petty and I have been biting but I know I have to be strong and not let him know it bothers me anymore
        There’s no chance of me moving depts unfortunately but he is doing a uni course which ends this year so hopefully he will get a new job in that field

        • Adam, UK March 3, 2013 at 8:05 pm #

          I know it’s hard not to notice him emailing other women but that is part of NC, stopping snooping.

          I know you aren’t deliberately doing it, it’s just a natural reaction – you can’t help but look but you certainly need something to stop you taking that look.

          If he contacts you again, advise him that you don’t want to hear from him for the period of 60 days and then, again, if he has any respect for you, he will adhere to it and not ask you for money.

          If it gets too much, come on here and rant. We are all in this together and we can all get each other through it.

          I’ll certainly keep my eye on the forum throughout the day and advise where I can. In a way, it helps me with my situation to know that others are dealing with far harder.

          • Claire, UK March 3, 2013 at 8:31 pm #

            Yeah I will defo be ranting on here. My family are getting pretty fed up of me going on about him and I’m getting annoyed with myself. I need to stop worrying about him and start focusing on myself and this forum makes me feel really positive

          • Claire March 4, 2013 at 11:06 am #

            It’s so hard today! He’s here in work laughing and joking about his awesome weekend! I bet he pulled someone else. He’s making plans with the girls to go to the gym and I understand that he’s prob trying to keep busy and move on but it hurts so much! Why can’t I seem as happy as him? It’s driving me mad!

  4. Claire, UK March 3, 2013 at 11:39 pm #

    Arghhh!! Why hasn’t he contacted me? Am I really that easy to get over? I’m really struggling on Day 3, I know he went out last night and he normally calls me but I haven’t heard anything whatsoever! I know I need to be strong but this is so hard! I’ve kept myself busy all weekend but now I’m alone in my room I just can’t stop thinking about him
    Why is it so easy for him to move on? I’ve got to see him tomorrow in work and I know he will be laughing and joking like he hasn’t got a care in the world and probably talking about his awesome night out and it’s going to kill me. I’m dreading hearing he’s met someone, I don’t think I could cope with that. How can I act like I don’t care in work? I’m the type of person who wears my on on my sleeve 🙁

  5. Adam, UK March 4, 2013 at 11:25 am #

    Don’t listen, that means he didn’t have a amazing weekend!

    Let him go to the gym with the ‘girls’, what you need to do is plan some time for yourself and with friends.

    Keep yourself busy. Focus on you. It’s all about you. Not him. Don’t give him the power.

  6. Claire March 4, 2013 at 12:53 pm #

    I know I hate myself for being so weak and I know he’s trying to wind me up because he’s making a massive show of texting someone. I’m not going to contact him though I just have to be strong. 4 more hours in work then I don’t have to see him until tomorrow

    • Adam, UK March 4, 2013 at 2:02 pm #

      Exactly. You got this. Keep telling yourself that. Fit a smile in. That’s exactly my thought too. 3 1/2 hours to go.

      Keep yourself busy this evening Claire.

      • Claire March 4, 2013 at 2:45 pm #

        He texted me asking if I was ok saying I looked upset but I haven’t replied. I feel quite proud of myself I just gotta keep strong

        Thanks for all your help Adam I really appreciate it and hope I haven’t whined too much lol

        • Adam, UK March 4, 2013 at 3:29 pm #

          Because you haven’t reacted. He’s tried hard to get you to do something and now he’s resorted to contacting you directly.

          Make sure you tell him about NC and stick with it.

          And it’s certainly not whining! We’re all in it together.

          2 hours to go (for me)!

          • Claire March 4, 2013 at 4:29 pm #

            I’ve told him about the no contact and he’s agreed to respect my decision. Does this mean I’ve broke the NC rule?

            It’s pushed me even further back now!

            45 mins for me! Hope you’re doing ok

  7. Adam, UK March 4, 2013 at 4:32 pm #

    Not at all. You have to tell him if he keeps bothering you.

    As you can see from above, I got text messages at 3am from my ex last week, seemingly drunk. I chose not to respond and advise her of NC because of the fact I received them at that time under those circumstances. Had it been a reasonable time, I would have.

    It may have set you back, but only short term.

    You’ve done well today Claire. Be proud of yourself and treat yourself this evening! I did at lunch to some new clothes and I feel ok.

    We’re nearly there. It’s hard but then a nice evening of not having to worry about seeing them!

    • Claire, UK March 4, 2013 at 6:12 pm #

      The last half hour in work was awful. He said that is fine and he will never contact me ever again. It was awful to read. I wrote out numerous texts to ask him back, going to send them once I was out of the office but as I was leaving, he was coming towards me and it was so awkward that I just couldn’t bring myself to text him asking him back, knowing that I would just get another rejection.
      I came home and told my sister and she said he’s a control freak who doesn’t want to know on the weekends when he’s got people to see and stuff to do but she said in the week when he’s got no friends, he contacts me because he knows ill reply and therefore feed his control
      I said yeah but he’s said he won’t contact me again and she replied saying how many times has he promised that?
      I don’t know what to think, I’m so upset I’m just bawling in my room. Why would he want to keep me dangling like that and why is it so easy for him to move on?

      • Adam, UK March 4, 2013 at 8:07 pm #

        Oh no Claire. You were doing so well.

        Your sister, to me, has it nailed on. He’s a control freak and you are caught in his web.

        He lost control of the situation when you advised of NC and he is now trying to find a way to regain control but making his comments ‘final’.

        It is hard directly working with an ex and unfortunately I know this well.

        When I was 20 (11 years ago, wow) I got my then girlfriend a job at my place of work (she needed a job quickly).

        Within a few months, she had dumped me for my boss, who was also a friend at the time.

        Every single day I had to bare them arriving together, holding hands, kissing and flirting, just for my benefit. I had to grin and bare it but inside I was dying each and every day. I was doing similar to you, going home and being really upset. This went on for months.

        I found something to help me. I found what I called the ‘disconnect’.

        I realised that the person I saw at work wasn’t the person I had been in love with. It was a colleague. I was being paid to have to deal with them. She was no different to anyone else there. I convinced myself of this. I had to talk to her about work related activities and it got easier and easier. She had lost control. She messaged and mailed me about our relationship and I ignored her. The ‘disconnect’ was achieved.

        Seriously, she left not long after.

        What you need to do is remember that the work colleague is not the guy you fell in love with. You fell in love with him outside of work. Make the disconnect. He’s seriously not the same person. Even if you did lunch together, sneaked places to be together, that isn’t the colleague that’s the man.

        You can do it Claire. Crying is ok. It’s fresh in your mind.

        Do not allow him control over you anymore. You sound like a caring, sensitive person who deserves so much better. The man sounds like he’s a perfect match for my ex!!!

        You did great today. And just because the man through a mind messing grenade doesn’t mean you’ve lost.

        You can and will get through it.

        • Claire, UK March 4, 2013 at 8:13 pm #

          Thanks Adam you’re helping me more than you know. In just weak and stupid and always feels guilty for upsetting people
          I’m 32 on Friday and I’m acting like a lovesick teenager, I needs to get a grip lol

          • Adam, UK March 4, 2013 at 8:17 pm #

            I’m exactly the same, my friend.

            You aren’t weak. You aren’t a lovesick teenager. You certainly aren’t stupid! You are simply a sucker for love and have cared too much.

            Your birthday is on Friday? Here’s something you can do. Plan the BEST birthday ever (well, since your 18th). Get your friends round you and absolutely ‘get on it’.

            If you don’t feel like death on Saturday then it wasn’t a good enough night!

          • Claire, UK March 4, 2013 at 9:25 pm #

            Haha I’ll certainly try! Will leave the phone at home lol

            Broke the NC which im annoyed at but I’m determined to do the whole 60 days now

            We met in work see and were friends for a year before we got together. I had just come out of my marriage but that wasn’t half as hard as this is

            Hope you do great in your recovery, you seem like a really strong person and well done for not replying to your ex! 🙂

  8. Adam Justice, UK March 4, 2013 at 9:36 pm #

    Haha, thanks for the kind words. I’m far from a strong person. I struggle with it day to day but gradually coming out the other side.

    You’ll make the 60 days I’m sure. You just need to distract yourself from what is unfolding. You’ll know you’re getting there when you uncontrollably laugh for the first time.

    Today I spoke candidly about my ex for the first time without any real pain. I guess that’s a step!

  9. Claire, UK March 4, 2013 at 10:32 pm #

    Ok so I’ve ranted on here all day but here’s the latest

    so I was on day 4 of no contact and I broke it, quite badly. My ex contacted me to ask if I was ok and I stupidly thought I was strong enough to reply but I wasn’t. I got really upset and ended up asking him back. He said we can’t keep having these conversations and its just making things harder. So instead of agreeing, I push and push trying to get him to admit he doesn’t love me or miss me anymore. I really don’t know why I set myself up for this all the time. Anyways long story short, he basically told me to never wait for him or hope that we will get back together because it won’t happen. So again instead of agreeing I start getting nasty and telling him ill go out and find someone else coz this is what he wants, he doesn’t actually admit it he just says whatever

    Why am I struggling so much with this? I’ve acted like an idiot and I was so proud of myself for having nc for 3 days because that’s the longest we’ve ever not spoke for and now I have to go back to day 1 and face him in work tomorrow knowing how horrible I’ve been to him. He can’t help the way he feels, he’s had enough. The only thing is, is that it wasn’t a clean split, he kept the hope alive saying he needs to think about us and he wants me to prove I can change so obviously I kept getting frustrated because I didn’t know where I stood and 4 months later he’s finally told me its over for good so why can’t I accept that?

    I feel awful about being nasty but I’m physically and mentally drained over all this. I’ve been crying for nearly 5 hours and I know deep down that we can’t go back, this isn’t the first time we’ve split. We’ve been on and off for nearly 4 years and I can’t keep doing this to myself. It’s worse because I have to see him everyday in work and he acts like he’s the happiest guy on earth, laughing and joking with all the girls on the dept which drives me mad

    • Brooklyn March 5, 2013 at 4:30 am #

      Reading this sounds so frustrating. I couldnt work with my ex no way on earth. I recommend finding another position elsewhere. your never going to let go otherwise cause hes smack in your face! hes an ass for doing what he did to you for 4 months he was just leading you on. So YES YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE PISSED! dont feel guilty cause im sure he knows himself what he did was wrong. Find another job. Youll thank yuorself for it later

      • Claire, UK March 5, 2013 at 4:55 am #

        Thanks Brooklyn, unfortunately i love my job and have worked there for 11 years so im reluctant to switch. plus there’s not much out there. I don’t need to speak to him about work related issues because we do different roles its just seeing him and knowing that he’s moved on. He’s not at all sensitive to my feelings, he just says im being paranoid and hes entitled to talk to his friends

        these are my issues i guess and ive got to try and change my feelings for him and leave him alone

    • maryknowsit March 5, 2013 at 5:03 am #

      you can’t erase the past but you can create a new begining now. He is probably thinking that you will act all akward and embarressed tomorrow. act cool. pretend it,pretend it,pretend it. You already knows it will e akward,pretend you dont realise it because whatever happened yesterday is gone and today you are so concentrated in so many things you didnt even had time to think about anything…fake it. dont try to be slip into the floor, you woulnt just sit there lokking all akward. no you get up as fast as you slipped ,fix your posture,hair,clothes and keep walking away,no looking back,holding your head up. if you got hurted on the fall,u cry alone.and no one can point any fingers at you, who never “fell”? even your ex “fell” many times,im sure. believe its seems so easy for him to move on because he knows he has power over you, he has The power,why would he go crazy? only if he lost The power.he is a mind player,dont give in,he will try to contact you everytime he feels he is losing power over you,ignore him. dont flirt with anyone at work,it will let him know you miss him,you are desperate and maybe even willing to open your legs to anyone.hard truth.concentrate on yourself,try to really ignore what he is doing,right now it will hurt you. tell people around that you dont want any conversation related to him at work.just pretend nothing happened,

  10. lionessqueen March 5, 2013 at 4:32 am #

    I loved you…I probably still do.I told you about my dreams and fears.I trusted.I let you in because I thought we’re partners in this journey to our dream…Happiness. I was scared and insecure because I let you in where no one been before.You know how I had been hurted and disappointed before,you told about your own pain….before I met you I thought I couldnt hurt more than I did before. You’ve proved me wrong,you’ve hurted me beyond words.You disrespected me with your selfishness…still I couldnt let you totally go from my life and we engaged in this vicious cycle of empty promises, guilt,disappointment,longing,love. All I wanted was for you to fight for us,not your promises,not your “I love you’s”…not only words.I walked away because I want more, I deserve more but I love you…I’m rehab of love but I my body,my heart is asking for a quick love fix. I feel empty, I had to throw away my dreams because now they only remind me of you,they only make sense with you…so now I dont have dreams, I feel empty…sometimes I just walk but with no direction…but I will keep walking because it is better than standing still in the past, I will keep walking until I find new dreams,until I find the reflection of me smiling without you.

  11. Adam, UK March 5, 2013 at 8:16 am #

    Good luck today Claire. It’s a new day. Start afresh.

    It’s pretty tough this morning for me as I’d usually wake up to a message from her, I’ve handled it ok the last couple of weeks but today seems hard for some reason.

    Drop me a line if you need to. My work email is adam.justice at (if that makes sense).

    Maybe a pen pal might help us both!

  12. Sarah March 5, 2013 at 6:28 pm #

    Hi everybody, i am so glad i have found this site, last couple of hours i have been reading all your stories and knowing that there are others going through the same heartbreak makes me feel a bit less alone.

    Its been 7days since we have broken up and day 6 of no contact, its very hard.. The hardest part is that i never saw it coming when he broke up with me. I really thought that we had an amazing thing him and me.
    Last weekend we had a romantic weekend and tuesday its over. I simply dont comprehend it.

    My first resolution after the break up was that i would not contact him (because i was not going to embaress my self by begging en pleading.,, ) and so i still havent.

    I want so badly to be strong, and that this pain inside my chest vanishes.. When will that be? How long does it take to get over someone? This is my first real relationship so i have no clue..
    I thank all of you, god bless

    A friend

    • Claire, UK March 5, 2013 at 7:13 pm #

      Hi Sarah! Well done for being so strong! You are doing great, I wish I were as strong. Try and keep it up, I know it’s hard and you probably have loads of questions for him but trust me, it won’t make you feel any better. Good luck with it and post on here when you need to, that’s what I’ve done and it really helps 🙂

    • Angie March 6, 2013 at 6:13 am #

      I wish there was a formula to figure out how long this feeling stays for, actually I wish heartbreak didn’t exist at all! Mine has been going on for over 2 months and I don’t see an end in sight! I know my friends and family are tired of hearing about this, but I just don’t feel over it, I don’t know if I ever will be, so definitely helps coming and reading about other people who are going through the same and don’t mind hearing us rant about our ex at random times (because sometimes after weeks or months of being ok you may randomly feel terrible again). My mom told me something recently that makes so much sense, but at the same time doesn’t make me feel any better. She said “if they’re dumb enough to walk away, you have to be smart enough to let them go!” So I think you did the right thing. The no contact thing is not going to be easy, at times you’re going to be dying to text him, or he’s going to text you and you’re going to want to answer, but with no contact, you’ll always have your dignity…

      • Sarah March 6, 2013 at 11:59 am #

        Hi Angie, thank you so much for your reply, wow what your mother said is so true! Thanks i think saying that out loud every time i think of him or miss him is going to make me feel louds better( already tried it :)) Yes i believe you are right, with no contact rule at least i have my dignity.

        Today is day 7 of no contact and i must say i feel better. I went for a run this morning and afterwards i felt great, it was the first time since the break up i have actually laughed :D, so i guess im starting to believe everything is gonne be fine.

        Hope you have a nice day,

        Love S

    • Ann March 15, 2013 at 6:55 am #

      This happened to me too. I was blind-sided with a text message that said “time off please” amongst other things and I found out he just closed a big business deal recently – i want to be doing so much better than he is. day 15 of no contact now.

  13. Phil March 6, 2013 at 4:32 am #

    ahhhhhhh, It’s been a couple months since my GF broke up with me, I was never a great BF, I got lazy and stopped taking care of myself and taking her out. Her ex contacted her a lot during our relationship which I feel made my not try as hard as I could have, It should be mentioned that she cheated on her ex with me, but still kept in platonic contact with her ex afterwords. Anyway, It’s been 3 months since we’ve broken up and it ended really badly, we fought and didn’t talk for a week. I eventually became a pathetic excuse for a man and sent 1000 messages a day apologizing… We eventually started talking as friends and spoke about who we were seeing and it killed me every time we spoke as friends. We slept together 3 weeks ago and, while drunk, she expressed that she still loved me and wasn’t happy, sober however she expresses no love-type emotion for me, as if I was just another friend. I visit friends and see her and she asks me why I never see her, but whenever i text or call she says she’s busy. I’m trying to move on, but it is terribly hard to avoid her completely as she works in my mom’s restaurant and lives 2 blocks from me… I’m so lost…

  14. Amanda March 6, 2013 at 5:22 am #

    After a while of contacting my ex. I went back to no contact. He was pursuing me for about three weeks, telling me he wants me back, he was going to change, he was changing, waiting for me. I stood my ground and told him I would not take him back until he shows serious improvement on his issues (which he has many). I always knew I wouldn’t take him back, and his claims of change and undying love for me were false, but hearing them and seeing him cry was comforting because I felt loved. Anyway, only 3 days ago he was telling me how much he wants me back, how he isn’t going to be with anyone, only waiting for me, when I find out today that he has been seeing a 19 year old (he is 30) while claiming he still loves me! The NERVE! I also found out he did coke on the weekend, which is one of the reasons we broke up and one of his many “claims of change.”
    He would literally be crying and begging me to take him back Saturday afternoon, and wining and dining this woman (girl) Saturday night!
    As soon as I broke NC, he wiggled his way back into my heart and hurt me again.
    I vow this time will be the last. Wiped any means of me contacting him out.
    Help me stay strong!

    • Sarah March 8, 2013 at 7:38 am #

      Stay strong Amanda!
      You can do it, we are all here to help you when you need it. It sounds like it is for the better, you deserve much more!

  15. Tripp March 6, 2013 at 9:18 am #

    Day 0, Hour 2

    Over a month ago me and my ex had a mutual split. We decided to be friends because of our friendship before the relationship and the fact that we have a dog together (she has the dog but I get visits). I have been reading some messages on this website, and I am wondering if maybe this would be a good idea for me. She has my best friend, companion, buddy, and couch potato partner. I miss him every single day that he is not here, but if I go no contact I lose pretty much all rights to seeing him. She moved back home with her family, and “met someone” within the week it took me to decide to try and make it work again between us. I realized the problem after the break up was due to my own depression and anxiety. Ever since my ex fiance destroyed me by allowing me to catch her cheating on me, I have been carrying around this baggage which makes me run away from anything when it gets close to the “will you marry me?” words. I don’t blame her or hold anything really against my ex fiance for this, but it troubles me that when I’m not on guard over my heart the issues creep back inside me. So, now I have lost my ex and my dog over it, and I am not sure what to do. Some people would say dogs are nothing, but to me he was like my son. What should I do? My recent ex girl friend has told me she could never be with me again, and I understand her side of the table. Its just that part of me wants to hold on so badly. I know where the fault lies and its with me. How do i make this right? Can i make this right? Should I just give up all hope?

  16. Josh March 6, 2013 at 4:03 pm #

    I have been dating this girl for just over 1 year. She was unemployed, and I paid her rent, food, etc, etc.
    I live in the country, and she stays in town. So we saw each other over weekends, and maybe once or twice during the week.
    Although we are friends on facebook, I am blocked and can only see her pics. Her black berry also received emails and messages 24/7. Which is “out of bounds” for me. Although she has checked my cell in the past.
    So last month she eventually gets a job. And she suggests we get a flat in town, as she can contribute towards the rent. But I must sign up for the flat, and pay the deposit, as well as furnish the place.
    Which I agreed to do. Then just before signing the contract, I asked her to first put a pic of “us” on her facebook cover.
    She refused, told me I am insecure and childish, and broke up.
    Geez, I have just been done in. She is a con artist who use men for money. She sent an email last night, insulting me. The idea is that I mail back, and start a fight.
    NEVER BABES. You on your own now. I get my new cell number tomorrow. I will get you out of my life. Our photos that where in my house, are safely in the dirt box. I miss you like hell, but I WILL get over you. It will take time, but there is no coming back. Watch out for karma. You going to pay back all that money. Not to me, but in another way.
    Good Luck. God Bless. Good Riddence. Good Bye

    • Josh March 6, 2013 at 4:15 pm #

      I forgot to add. She is Catholic, and reads her Bible and prays every morning. I saw this every weekend she stayed over at my place. That is why I trusted her and supported her. Wow, wish someone could take care of all my expenses for 1 year, so I can do nothing.
      Hey Babes, the day you fall. It will be hard, and friends will be few. You’re beauty is so temporary. You could loose it tomorrow.
      I hold no grudges, forgive you and will move on.

    • Tammy March 6, 2013 at 5:00 pm #

      Hi josh I feel your pain. But be strong and know that someone waaay better will come along and who’s well deserving of the love you have. Your ex doesn’t deserve such a good and loving man like you. Take care of yourself and remember tomorrow the sun will ris

      • Josh March 6, 2013 at 5:11 pm #

        Thankx Tammy. Can’t believe I was so stupid. Also can’t believe that a woman can use a man is such a manner just for money.

        • Tammy March 6, 2013 at 6:07 pm #

          You’re not stupid. That’s just the way you love. It just happens you got the wrong recepient. I was like yo too. I was giving too much to my ex and although I didn’t expect anything material in return I only needed his love & affection, commitment and honesty but sad to say it just didn’t work out. I felt I gave110% in the rel’p but not the same from his end. It has been 4 mos since our break up and 25 days of NC on 2nd attempt to complete the 60 days (I failed the first time when I had reached 46 days ofNC already). I still think about him everyday but I know one day I will get over him. I am taking time. I’ve learned my lessons but I will nit change the loving person that I am.

  17. Chantal March 6, 2013 at 5:37 pm #

    I just purchased your e-book, but have been No Contact for 28 days. Is it still a good idea to start the journal ? I have made some progress, but his presence lingers in my mind.

    Thanks for any extra help you can give me.

    • Eddie Corbano March 7, 2013 at 3:31 pm #

      Hi Chantal,

      Yes, you should start the journal as described even if you’re already at day 28…

      Shoot me an email if you need more help with this!

  18. Tia March 6, 2013 at 5:56 pm #

    I broke NC after a few days because I found out my x was in jail. He called me from the jail and ofcourse I accepted the call. He had gotten picked up for drunk driving. The night he hit me (Drunk) he ran out the house and went driving around and got picked up. He called and begged me to bail him out saying he was sorry and that he would find away to make it up. We ll I told him I would not bail him out and that he should not call me. Well he did keep calling saying that he had done so much for me. spent all his money on me and the baby while he was not working (which he did) and that I could at least bail him out and help him get his car fixed so he can build his life again since he “gave up so much for me” I felt bad a little. Then he called again and I did not pick up. He left ra message and told me that he was divorcing me (Easy since we are only married in the eyes of the church and have no legal documentation) He said he did not want to see me or our son again. He also said he would send his brother and sister to pick up the things he brought for what use to be “our home” The couchs, rugs, the bed, etc.
    He made we feel like everything wass my fault and that I should be the one begging him to come back when I cut him off for hitting me and not getting help for his drinking problems. I am angry, bacuse for a while I was starting to feel better and tehn I had to take that call at 8:00 am and ruin my day before it had even begun 🙁 back to NC I guess and since he wants nothing to do with our 3month old son I guess it should be easier this time

    • Chantal March 6, 2013 at 6:48 pm #

      So sorry you had to go through that Tia. Maybe the NC will be easier this time around. If he hurt you and is being nasty towards you, that should help you forget him. Don’t let his alcoholic manipulative ways get to you. He has some serious issues to deal with and you are probably better off ways from him.

      Make sure you take good care of yourself and your baby.

      • Tia March 7, 2013 at 9:06 pm #

        Thank you! I’m surprised how hard it is to get over someone who treats you badly. I just keep going back and forth in my mind wondering if there was something I could have done.

  19. Jennifer March 7, 2013 at 1:32 am #

    Day 4 of NC.
    Walter, I miss you so much. We fought so much and you are right, that wasn’t healthy. You said you were tired of being hurt and feeling like you were being used as my punching bad. I feel like a monster when I remember you telling me you felt abused. I wish I could take it all back. I wish I had learned how to control my anger. I wish I could go back in time and control the hurtful things I said, change my actions, love you like if it was your last day. I know I made the mistake of begging you to stay and sending you all those text messages. I was willing to try. Yes, I know you gave me so many chances to change and I never saw them. Like they say, you never know what you have until it’s gone. Now I know. I know I lost something great and I want you back. I want to go to anger management classes and counseling. I want to treat you right. You said you were done, you didn’t want to be in the relationship anymore, and most of all, you weren’t happy. How do I make my heart understand that when I want to be the reason for your smile? You dropped off my letter yesterday but why did you just leave it on the bench outside my house? Why couldn’t you tell me you were going to drop it off? At times I feel hope that all this is something we will both learn from and you will be back soon. I miss you and I’m praying for you to come back. We can make up. You always said we were going to get married someday, grow old together. What happened to that? You deleted your facebook. Are you really getting over me? What do I do? Do I wait for you or move on?

    • Claire, UK March 7, 2013 at 3:43 pm #

      Wow Jennifer, that message could have been written from me to my ex! i’m still at that stage where i keep contacting my ex asking him back and hopefully i can stop doing it. Start my NC tomorrow. Fingers crossed i can do it. I feel your pain i really do and hope you are ok. Take care and be strong 🙂

    • Sasha March 12, 2013 at 7:20 pm #

      I feel like I have a cocaine addiction. I echo your post, Jennifer. NC is so hard.

  20. DC March 7, 2013 at 2:39 pm #

    This is day four of No Contact and my goal is to make it 31 days. I am addicted to my ex and I have to purge her from my system. I also suffer from OCD which make my addiction to the past and my ex harder to let go of. I am wrapped up in all the wonderful memories and moments that we shared.

  21. Broken March 8, 2013 at 12:16 am #


    Just started day two of NC. Was with my ex for two years until I found a putrid photo on his phone of some girl. At the time I was so angry, I slapped him and left. He has said absolutely nothing to me since. Just spent the weekend with his friends. Sent a message to him on Tuesday night saying how broken I was, and he did not even reply. How can someone who professed his love care so little for me?

    The fact that he has not explained anything properly is KILLING me. I am a resolver and I feel like I cannot get past this because he refuses to give me closure. He cut off his last gf like this too, and I doubt I will ever get anything out of him ever again.

    I know I need to move forward with the NC rule. I just need some support and people to confirm I am moving in the right direction.

  22. DC March 8, 2013 at 9:31 am #

    I have been reading all the tips and I have read the newsletter, there are so many wonderful tips to learn. I don’t know if I WANT to let go of my ex but I do know I HAVE to let go. I feel as though I have a million thoughts per minute which mainly are memories of my ex or visions of her being happy with her new boyfriend, both are crushing. Today I am starting day 5 of no contact and I am trying to stay positive even though I don’t want to.

  23. mitch March 8, 2013 at 6:20 pm #

    I’ve know my ex girlfriend since ’07, and we started officially being together since 2010. We broke up because she claim I wasn’t very emotional I started showing her that I was but she kept saying it was too late or that she’ll think about it. Same time I was just seeing what twitter was about and come to find out she was cheating on me for ahwile but she swear it was her and that it was a girl who was her bestfriend doing it. I know better and I actually stopped talking to her for awhile but then I alwasys gave in because she would keep texting me or she’ll message my cousin on facebook bout me. Long story shorter lol, she just moved in with the guy she cheated on me with but claims she still love me more and hope that we get back together and cheats on him with me. She was callin the weekend that just past so she can see me but I ignored her up until monday then she just text me randomly yestrday but I ignored her then also. I really want to move on and find someone better but I still deeply love this girl and its hard ignoring her. Is it bad to still sleep with her and keep contact or should I ignore/change my number.

    • Angie March 8, 2013 at 8:49 pm #

      That’s a nice situation she’s in! She gets to have her cake and eat it too. She has the guy she lives with and her ex who can’t let her go on the side. It’s a win win situation for her, she doesn’t have to give anything up. People will get away with as much as you let them get away with. Unless you put an end to it, she can keep this going, she has nothing to lose unless you choose to take yourself out of the equation….

      • mitch March 8, 2013 at 8:57 pm #

        Yea I figured that but figured I was still sleeping with her behind his back so I win also but yea I think its best I just loose all contact.

        • Angie March 8, 2013 at 9:06 pm #

          well yeah, but sleeping with her behind his back is revenge on him, not her. She still gets a pretty sweet deal…if you can look at it as just sex well then go for it, but if it’s keeping you from moving on, and keeping your feelings for her alive then I say lose all contact…

          • mitch March 8, 2013 at 9:17 pm #

            Thanks I think my feelings was staying alive because of stuff she tells me but forget her and your right the old me would had been left her alone and its plenty of other women I can meet if I just wanted sex.

      • Chantal March 8, 2013 at 9:24 pm #

        Day 30, Half way there. I still have an urge to see how he is doing, but I know in doing that, I will only set myself back.

        I have to keep reminding myself that I had a life, a great one before I met him and that I will have an even better one after I get over him.

        I secretly wish he would call or text me…just so that I would not answer him, just to show him I can live without him. After all, I have been living without him since January 17th, so why stop now.

        I just have to keep busy and to think of ME. Some days are harder than others, but hopefully, they will be easier as time goes on.

        Have a great week end and if you go out and plan on drinking, I suggest you give your cell phone, phone and computer mouse or laptop to a friend so even if you are tempted to drunk dial, email or text, you’ll have no tools around.

        • mitch March 8, 2013 at 9:34 pm #

          That helps a lot too, when I 1st cut off all contact I was thinking just like you.

          • Chantal March 8, 2013 at 9:39 pm #

            Did it help ? Did you end up breaking the NC rule ? I hope you are in a better place and living in the moment as much as you can.

          • mitch March 8, 2013 at 9:46 pm #

            When I 1st did it I was great and happy but then I gave in and now I’m in the situation I am now, but as of right now I feel happy and haven’t said anything to her and I don’t planning on too. @chantal.

          • mitch March 10, 2013 at 2:43 pm #

            Ugh she text me lastnight and I gave in and text her back and also this morning. This is waaaaaay harder than I thought.

  24. Dee March 8, 2013 at 8:04 pm #

    Hi guys,

    I am quite sure i am depressed.
    My ex borke up with me almost 5 months ago now and i have just started NC.
    I shouldnt have kept on talking to him, ive done things that i never thought i would do.
    I went a little bit crazy
    called him too many times, sent texts, begged everything.

    ive completely lost myself and i feel empty and lonely.

    I have never felt like this before.
    I break down at work.
    I keep myself busy, but nothing takes the constant thoughts of him in my mind.

    He contacts me sometimes saying that he loves me and he will get back with me once he figures himself out but the next second he is completely cold.

    I feel so foolish, i am so foolish in fact.
    I know what im doing wrong, i just cannot stop myself for some reason!
    I am so angry with myself.

    I was fine for a while when it first happened, i had a break down and pulled myself back together. Didnt contact him at all. And after a month he contacted me and apologize.
    First mistake; to keep on speaking to him.

    And i know exactly what i have to do and what im doing wrong, but why cant i do it!?

    I realized that i was truly depressive, so i seeked professional help, counsellors therapists etc.
    I dont feel like its helping only because i am the only one who has contrtol over this and i am losing my mind because i am NOT doing the right thing.

    I have alot of support, but i still feel so crappy. i have good days and then horrendous days.

    I dont know what to do with myself anymore. Reading the posts on this website help for a while but then it all comes crashing in again.

    I really jsut wanted to get this off my chest.
    I know what to do, why cant i get myself to do it?
    Why do i beg and believe the obvious lies he tells me..

    Yours truly,

    • Angie March 8, 2013 at 8:43 pm #

      Dee I swear reading your letter was like reading a letter from myself!!! I’ve followed most of the rules. I didn’t beg, text, contact his family, facebook stalk, or anything of the sort. And trust me I am still feeling the same things you are! So don’t beat yourself up for feeling that way, I don’t think it’s because you’ve broken the rules. I feel better coming to this site, and then a couple of hours later feel miserable again. Some days I don’t think of him, some days thoughts of him wake me out of my sleep. I break down crying at random times at work still 3 months later and find it hard to focus. I joined a gym, go out with friends, babysit my nephew, and I still come home feeling miserable. I picture him with his new gf and get these awful anxiety attacks where I physically hurt, my chest compresses and I can’t breathe. I went to counseling, and everything they said made sense, you can’t make someone love you, you can’t be “expecting” things, you just make the best out of your life and things will come to you. They told me to think that if he has moved on and is happy, he doesn’t deserve for me to still be dwelling and miserable over him, and it makes sense 100%, but it still didn’t make me feel better! My friends are frustrated with me for still being miserable, but it’s not like I try to be! I would give anything to feel better! I’ve done everything in my power to pretend like he never existed, remind myself there is no hope, yet I still feel it, every time I look at my phone, that hope that he’s called me to say he made a mistake and loves me and wants me back. I did respond to his text once, and it made me feel better to think he had thought of me, and then I felt awful when he just dropped the conversation. But I also feel like if I hadn’t answered I’d always be wondering “what would he have said had I answered? Was this him trying to win me back? Was he going to tell me what I wanted to hear”.
      On the other hand I feel like you still have hope if he tells you he loves you…and in your case I feel like if you do ignore him, he will realize what he’s lost, I am assuming he is not in any new relationship like mine is of course….

      • dee March 16, 2013 at 4:17 am #

        No, its hopes unfortunately. I am having one of those days when I thiabout the future and if whether or not he’d return and the fact that maybe if he did I’d get back him, but I know I shouldn’t I know so well it would not work .. And that the lovthat he may have for me isn’t the right kind of love, its more of a bad habit he’s trying to rid of after 8 years. Sometimes I think that I gave him unconditional love and was ready to put blood s and tears into the relationship no matter what, but there is not respect coming from him and that makes me realize that I shouldn’t be treated way. That I deserve so much more. But it still hurts nonetheless knowit he didn’t choose me. And y not, ill probably never even really know.

        That hurts, but I’m slowly getting better… Trying not to think too much. Its proving very difficult even distracted and busy…

  25. Down But Not Out March 9, 2013 at 6:55 am #

    Day 5 of no contact….

    My ex and I dated for two years, towards the end I tried everything in my power to reignite the spark and passion we shared at the start of the relationship, all for not. In January of last year she broke up with me. I was crushed…..felt like the world had come to an end, and I was a complete failure. My self esteem, confidence, and heart were completely broken. Now for the sad part; I’ve spent a little over a year trying to get her back. It would work for a while, then she would break it off again. 6 times!! That’s right 6 times. I’ve spent the better part of 13 months trying to get her back only to be crushed repeatedly. She spent those 13 months getting over me, she enjoyed the friendship and the physical benefits, all while offering nothing emotionally. Now she is happily moving on and I’m a shadow of the person I used to be. But of course she still wants to be friends.

    I found this website, read the e-book, and decided that I needed to apply as much of this knowledge as I possibly could in order to move on with my life, and regain the spirited person I once was. I erased all contact info, all of the pictures I could find, got rid of anything she ever bought me, and cleansed my house of all signs of her. Felt great……for a day! Seems getting rid of fond memories is a lot tougher. My thoughts quickly turn to her in moments when I’m not busy, or engaging with other people. I am committed to this 60 days and whatever life brings after that point.

    I know I have a long way to go but had a small break through over the past 24 hours. Last night at work I caught myself checking my phone over and over again. To see if “anyone” messaged me. So I decided to keep track…….41 times in 8 hours. I couldn’t believe it. Tonight at work I put my phone in a less accessible location and I only checked it a handful of times. To say I feel better this evening compared to last night is an understatement. It showed me that the power to get my self back is in my own hands. Every time I checked my phone last night it was a disappointment, even though I don’t want to talk to her, it still gets me that she won’t message me.

    To all those in my position, fighting to get over someone, I respect you so much. It’s unbearable to go through, but will be worth it in the end! Keep fighting.

    • DC March 9, 2013 at 1:01 pm #

      I so know the feeling that you are experiencing right now. I also habitually check my phone and email hoping that my ex tried to contact me and each time I don’t see anything I am disappointed.

      We are creatures of habit and I do realize that on a subconscious level our habits have a way of controlling us. I once went 21 days with no contact with my ex and then I sent her a message saying that I was thinking about her. Shortly after she called and sent a text saying that she realized how important I am in her life and that she thought that she would always love me romantically because of what we shared.

      Fast forward a month later, I asked her if she missed me, no response. I texted her that I still love her, no response. You get the picture. I know she is dating and more importantly to me having sex with someone else but yet like you something inside of me thinks that she will contact me.

      It is wise to put your phone in a place where you can’t have that knee jerk reaction when the urge arises, which it will often. I don’t know much but I will say I regret breaking the no contact rule after 21 days because I could have been so close to 60 days right now and in a much better place. A friend of mine told me this, even if she contacts you the reality of the break up does NOT change.

    • Doobie March 13, 2013 at 4:06 am #

      Wow your story really freaked me out, it’s so similar to mine. . My ex left me in Jan last year and spent the next 10 months trying to decide if he wanted me or not. I was a puppet b he had control if the strings. He came and left 8 times from march to October. It was the worst year of my life.. However after yet more promises made by him in september, we planned to move away and start a fresh. I was convinced he meant everything he promised and took out a loan to help with the move, I never should have taken out. I arranged everything for the move only to find out by text that he needs to do “some thinking”…. No discussion, nothing said about our plans, not even a phone call. For 2 weeks solid after he said he would come round and talk to me face to face to tell me what the heck was going on and everyday he had a new excuse not to come. We were friends for 20 years and together for 4. I’ve not heard or seen him since. That was 160 days ago… I can so relate to all these stories but yours the most. My world has been torn apart. The tears have stopped but the pain is still as fresh. The memories, the why’s, the dreams, delusions. Flashbacks and What if’s… And a huge loan that i will be paying for another 3 years. How we torture ourselves!! Hang in there everyone. Peace.

  26. Tia March 9, 2013 at 11:14 am #

    After two days Nc broken again cause he showed up out of the blue asking to see his son. I had a fit and started yelling about everything being his fault and all. He said everything was my fault and in the end I felt like carp the rest of the day. Couldn’t eat or sleep. I’m trying meditation but I still feel so trapped in the hurt.

  27. T March 10, 2013 at 4:11 am #

    Day 0 of NC

    My boyfriend of almost two years broke up with me about 5 days ago, and let me tell you I have been going through a type of emotional hell that I have never experienced. We mutually agreed on the reasoning behind our break up, but ultimately I have always been the one that is willing to try harder, forgive faster, and ‘not give up on us’. Since we started dating we would have the same fights…maybe about sex, or how much time he spent away, or him constantly being on his phone when we were spending time together, and eventually I guess you realize that these things are what make the person happy and they are not going to change. Meanwhile, our relationship slowly got worse and worse, we were both stressed and unhappy as we gave every last ounce of effort into salvaging what he had…..until we were both so exhausted we just ended it. It was a mutual understanding, yet I still feel so miserable and have to constantly remind myself over and over why we broke up, because obviously I still care for him as a person and miss the stability and comfort he brought to my life.

    The aftermath has been something I do not wish on anyone. I have been walking around with a 20 pound weight in my chest since we broke up, and sometimes feel like I am just choking on the sadness and can hardly take a full breath. If I keep myself busy every minute of every day (I literally have written out daily schedules so that I am never sitting alone), it is more bearable, although the thoughts do still creep up (I can’t exactly burst out in tears in Target). Staying busy during the day allows me to adopt a happier, more confident attitude, but once I set foot inside my bedroom door that evening, it is like a switch flips and I am a total mess. It’s like I let the feelings creep in just a bit and they avalanche. I sob but have no specific memory I am mourning…I mostly just am sad because I feel a deep void in my life and feel incredibly lonely. I have friends and family to talk to, but I am also prideful about blubbering to them day in and day out (that is why I really like this forum, where everyone understands you need that sometimes). I guess I realize that I do not necessarily miss our relationship, filled with fights, passive-aggressive conversations, and the constant stress of trying to find a happy medium, but I miss my best friend for who he was as a person. He is great, I am great, but we just couldn’t seem to make it work together; we just didn’t bring about happiness for the other person. That has made it hard to accept, I mean I still love the person he is…we just logistically want different things and that led to our break up.

    I was doing great about NC for a few days, but then was stupid and checked his profile today. The first thing I see is a status posted the day before about a bad car accident he was in on the freeway as he drove home for vacation and how we was lucky to be alive/okay. I immediately burst into tears, and was in shock that I had just found out over a day later and that something could have happened to him. I felt helpless, since I could not reach out to him, but after much deliberation, and after asking advice from friends, I sent him one text letting him know I heard about the accident was glad he was okay. He responded politely and courteously, but I felt terrible after as I wondered what he was doing, what I would be doing and saying if I were with him, and this all just amplified how much I missed him. I am back to Day 0 now…still not sure if texting him was a mistake because I feel like I ripped the wound open again, although I do want him to know that I am not some heartless ex that has turned off all feelings for him after 5 days. I too wonder how long I can really survive feeling this way…I do not feel like doing anything except fun, busy activities (aka not work) to keep my mind active. I feel like I won’t have that void filled in my life for a long time, and that is a depressing and panicking thought.

    Everyone’s stories on hear have helped me so much over the past day or two. Whenever I get overwhelmed and feel the sadness and loneliness crash in, it calms me to read that I am not alone, and to realize I am not crazy for mourning so fiercely. Thanks to everyone, and any advice on surviving the first few weeks is appreciated.

  28. Tom March 10, 2013 at 1:21 pm #

    So my ex and i went to school together but were never really close friends and so when i left school her and i didn’t really talk much and so lost contact with each other but then we met again at a mutual friends birthday party and the sparks flew, really quickly we started hanging out and were dating in 2 weeks and did for just over a year and it was the happiest time of my life i love her with all my heart and i thought she did to her family even loved me and i got along with all her friends. Since she turned 18 tho and started to go out we have started to grow apart (my mums pointed this out to me as I don’t go out clubbing) i only noticed it now looking back on our relationship. So the important bit is 11 days ago she asked for a break completely out of the blue i didn’t see it coming and then after 3 days she asked me over her house to talk and she said that she wanted to end our relationship (She didn’t actually say a word I had to ask her if she wanted to end it or work on it and she simply nodded) without giving me so much as an explanation and me being unable to even think I just took it and left. Over the next 3 days i broke the NC rule multiple times (neither of us having actually said that we didn’t want to talk or anything after the breakup) and found out to my horror that she never loved me that she had always just been trying to in her own words and that she had always know and just never brought it up as well as this when i asked why else she said because she wasn’t happy but then said that there was nothing i could have done to make it work ((including in her own words carrying her around like a princess)all of her previous boyfriends have been fairly short term because after the initial phase 2-6 months she would get bored of them or realise how badly they actually treated her which in most cases was horribly generally verbally abusive) and that there was nothing i could do now that it was over to change her mind or make her want me back and so i decided that NC was the only way for me to make her realize what she had done. So far it’s been 5 days since she asked for us to not talk for a while and so i have decided to go NC and tho it’s really hard i am currently studying and have been unable to do homework since we started the break but even so i know it’s the right thing to do and so i am just going to keep posting on here whenever i feel i need to talk to her and move through and make myself a better person. Good luck to you all.

  29. Claire, UK March 10, 2013 at 5:09 pm #

    Ok so i’ve acted mental over the past few days!

    Im an idiot! Had a really good night out, got wrecked and for some insane reason got a taxi to my ex’s instead of going home. I really do not know why I did this!! The door was unlocked and I just walked straight in up to his bedroom!! He was awake watching a film and went nuts that I just walked in. He kept calling me taxis and I kept turning them away, he just wanted me to go home but I kept refusing. In the end my sister came downstairs (her boyfriend lives with my ex) and took me home. I then proceeded to go mental at her and my mum, trying to get out of the house and saying nasty things to them, my sister and i got into a fight. Looking back it was just awful and I’m covered in bruises. I eventually managed to get out and what did i do? Got a taxi straight back to my ex’s!! Why did I do this? What was it going to achieve? He again just wanted me to go, didn’t want me near him or nothing! I went back home then and passed out. I woke up feeling so humiliated and embarrassed!!! What must he think of me??? He must think that I’m a right psycho ex!!! Why am I doing this? i feel so out of control and rejected!

    I rang him to apologise and he was ok about it and ended up telling me there’s a job lined up for him in London when he graduates. My first thought was that this is good, it will be easier once he goes but then it hit me that I could go with him and it would be a fresh start. I put the idea to him and he said he didn’t think it was a good idea and that we are over for good, he’s not devastated that we aren’t together because of the months of grief we’ve had. Why can I accept its over? My family are sick to the back teeth of me, they say I’m obsessed with him! He’s off out doing his own thing, not missing me or anything and its hard for me because all our socialising was with his friends and family and now I have no one. My sister won’t talk to me and all I keep thinking about is him having fun and being better off with out me. He has friends in London and I keep thinking about what his life is going to be like there and whether he’s seeing someone else. I can’t get these thoughts out of my head!! Why can’t I move on?? It’s seriously upsetting me now. I’ve tried doing other things but it doesn’t work. I just want to keep trying to get back with him. His life is sorted now so why ain’t mine???
    I just feel so depressed today, I just keep crying and want to text him begging his forgiveness and ask him back but i knows what the answer will be and how the conversation will go. I feel so weak and pathetic!! What is happening to me??? Why can’t I move on and accept things are over?? I just want to text him and ask him loads of questions but I can’t. He hates me and maybe I am obsessed with him, he won’t tell me anything because he won’t want to hurt my feelings and he lies to me anyways. Why can’t I get over this??? I’m 32 and acting like a pathetic teenager!!!

    • Sarah March 10, 2013 at 7:05 pm #

      Hi Claire,
      I really feel your pain, I know it hurts like hell to imagine him moving on and not seeing him again. But if you want to keep your sanity and your dignity you really should apply the NO Contact rule, its the only way you can heal.
      Just focus on yourself for now, excercise, eat healthy, meet new people,.. And if you really want your ex back (im not saying its a good idea) the best chance of getting him is by making him miss you wich again comes down to applying the no contact rule.
      I can tell from experience, when my ex broke up with me a couple of years ago, I had absolutely no contact with him, a month later he came at my door crying he had made a mistake. But by then i had already come to the realisation he wasnt for me and out relationship didnt work. This may be the case for you too.

      Stay strong Claire! We are here for you x

  30. Claire, UK March 10, 2013 at 7:18 pm #

    Thanks Sarah. Its hard to do though because we work together and I have to see him everyday laughing and joking which makes things a million times worse. I just have to stop reaching for the phone. I know his number off by heart as he’s had it for years so I have to try and forget that too lol.

    I doubt very much he would want me back even with no contact as i’ve handled everything badly in the 4 months we’ve been separated. He kept giving me hope though by saying stuff like, if we had a nice chilled out weekend, maybe we could talk about us then. He’s not saying that now though, he’s asking me to leave him alone and he’s sick of being grilled and having beef off me

    I’m losing all the people who care about me. My sister can’t stand me now and we were so close before so that’s hurting me too

    You’re right though, i just have to concentrate on myself and find my inner peace and pray i can get through this. I think that if i can get through this week then i might actually be ok as I don’t think i could sink any lower and the longest no contact we’ve had since w’ve split is only 3 days so i’m gonna target myself a week and just post on here when i feel the need to text or email him x

    • Sarah March 10, 2013 at 8:39 pm #

      Small goals at a time, when you reach it you can set higher goals. You’ll feel so good every time you reach one.
      Im on day 11 of no contact of my current break up, it really does hurt less over time. On day one I really thought life was over, now It still hurts but i can tell there is a ray of sunlight somewhere in front of me.
      I can tell it must be really hard working with your ex, is there a way you can be placed in different department or buildings? You said maybe he would move, maybe thats for the best.

      One more thing, i think it would be best to try to reconcile with your sister, family, friends just people who care about you are what you need right now.

      One week of nc, you can do it claire!

      • Claire, UK March 10, 2013 at 11:37 pm #

        Thanks Sarah, fingers crossed! I’ll be posting on here rather than contacting him 🙂

  31. DC March 10, 2013 at 11:32 pm #

    Going no contact flat out sucks because it hurts so much. I hope this pain that is making me feel sick goes away SOON! I know I have to stick to it but I hope I have the resolve to do it.

    • Claire, UK March 10, 2013 at 11:38 pm #

      Tell me about it! I can’t seem to go more than 3 days. How long have you been NC?

  32. amber March 11, 2013 at 7:18 am #

    It has been almost a week of no contact. I have cried only once, believe that was Tuesday. I have been doing the wrist rubber band snap when I berate myself ( not good enough, true love is lies and not for me etc.) I do the Indian breathing technique, also timing how long not to even let the man barge in my mind with memories. I do have hard time with no good morning, goodnight. I just say it out loud to myself. I get sexually angry, right along with angry for his actions, right along with just being damn angry that I ever aloud him in my life. its so weird!! I read so many comments, and actually very thankful that I am not alone. Feeling so strong for awhile, than Moppy and weak. The techniques and NC have been awesome, I don’t go near his Facebook, I erased his number, photos. I hold on to the fact that he made his choice and he is entitled to that and his opinions. Yes, so am I and I will love again, and for when that time comes it will be stronger and better than ever BC of me and no one else.

  33. Claire, UK March 11, 2013 at 1:45 pm #

    Day 0 no contact

    Ok so after my stressful weekend I felt really down when I woke up. I very nearly phoned in sick because I didn’t want to face him but I dragged myself up and when I got to work I felt better. People were talking to me about my night out Friday(no one knows I went to my exes) and I felt really happy. I passed my ex in the office and he say hi but I just ignored him. I had a wobbly moment when I went to make a coffee and saw him in there texting a really long message to someone. I was dying to ask him who it was but I didn’t and I made my coffee and went back to my desk. I then spent the next hour stewing over it and very nearly text him but I refrained. I can’t keep grilling him about who he’s talking to. It’s none of my business anymore and I’ve read through all the texts I’ve sent him over the past week and I sound so desperate and pathetic!
    Anyways it’s a small step but I’m very proud that I didn’t text him

    • Rachel, US March 11, 2013 at 6:06 pm #

      Hi Claire,

      You are not desperate or pathetic. You are HURT! We are all hurting on this site and I am so thankful to have come across it today. I felt so alone, but can see there are so many other people going through same thing at the exact same time. That thought alone does provide some comfort.

      My GF lives long distance and I flew to visit her (planned in advance) only to be told when I got there and we were at dinner she met someone else!!!!! I almost died! To make a long story short I flew home the next day and it cost me A LOT of money to get back!! i was a sobbing idiot in the airport and on my flight. I am so hurt and devasted! This happened two weeks ago and I went NC. She has text messaged me and called everyday since. I haven’t answered here calls, but I have responded with one word text messages. To be honest I enjoy the contact from here and am scared if I don’t reply she will stop texting completely. I know I should not even care if she contacts me, but it drives me insane!

      My mind is all over the board, does she regret her choice, does she want me back??? so I won’t keep going on and on…Just happy to know this site is here and I am not alone.

      Stay strong everyone!!!

    • Sarah March 11, 2013 at 7:43 pm #

      Good job! Keep it up 🙂

    • Chantal March 11, 2013 at 7:53 pm #

      Keep it up Claire. 🙂

  34. Simon March 11, 2013 at 8:34 pm #

    Day 8 of no contact – and I broke it today. -.-

    Today, it’s 4 weeks since my ex-girlfriend broke up with me. Duing the first 3 weeks, I did all the wrong things one can possible do. I wrote countless messages and I was constantly telling her how much I love her. I was asking her to come back etc. etc. etc.

    Last Saturday was the last time we talked. It was a good conversation in my opinion. The thing is that we didn’t break up because of fighting, cheating etc.

    The main problem is that we both are at different points in our lives I guess. And that, in my opinion, hurts even more. Knowing that it would work out if just the surrounding circumstances would be different.

    That pain and that steady question “Why?” are driving me crazy.

    She wants to remain friends, but she realized that I can’t be “just friends”. I didn’t write her since that conversation and neither did she. I don’t know if she already moved on or if she didn’t contact me out of respect for my feelings.

    Every day that I don’t have contact with her feels like an eternity to me. Even the simple exchange of messages with her makes me feel so much better – let alone hearing her voice on the telephone.

    Today, I broke my self-induced no contact rule. Why? Because I didn’t really tell her last Saturday. I just didn’t get back to her. And I think she deserves to know. So I wanted to tell her that I will not have any contact any more. But that she could contact me if she should change her mind in the future.

    I know, this is probably wrong right? But I can’t help myself. It’s already 4 weeks since she broke up and I am still doing really bad. Only little things have to go wrong right now and I completely break down time after time. I don’t know what to do anymore.

    I just can’t deal with the fact that it’s all because of external circumstances that forced her to make this step. We were so happy together. She told her friends that she never felt like this before – ever. And now everything is over…

  35. Rochelle (Aust) March 12, 2013 at 3:59 am #

    Well I’ve been lucky to have NC for 6 months and was doing ok. Although we started out as the perfect couple after 4 years, it became very unhealthy and we FINALLY went our seperate ways.

    All was fine until last night, when he new GF rang me to tell me he was in a bad way and was on his way to my place. This actually put me in fear of my phyiscal safety (have protection mechanisms in place), but after hearing how bad the space he is in at the moment, I can’t help but want to contact him. He didn’t show up last night.

    I know it won’t do any good – if he is in a bad way I’ll want to ‘resuce’ him, even though that is not my responsibility and will lead to no good… Will I feel better finding out he’s falling apart… NO

    If he’s got all of his sh*t sorted and is finally on the right path again, will I feel better… NO because then I’ll wonder why he couldn’t get his head in the game when we were together.

    No good will come of contacting him, I know that, but why why why is it all I want to do??? For goodness sake I’m posting to a random website during my lunch break as a distraction (Thanks for reading guys)

    It’s not like I haven’t experienced this all before – my marriage of 10 years broke up 8 years ago and I’m sure that was no where near as hard as this.

    I really was doing so well, and no doubt I’ll be back into clear space in the next few days, but geez the path is challenging!

  36. YY March 12, 2013 at 11:27 pm #

    It’s been 2 weeks now, and I feel like I’ve done all the right things – I’ve treated myself well, spent money I usually don’t spend to eat well, I spend time with my close friends, made appointments with friends but not so close ones, I’ve started a new project to rearrange my room, and I got back into hobbies.

    But some days grief still catches me unaware, no contact is so difficult when his office is just 20 steps from mine. Even though I was the one who initiated the break up, I feel like I was the one rejected because he wasn’t both feet into the relationship. I made up my mind that that wasn’t acceptable, and made the decision he didn’t dare to make.

    I get to work, I’m fine, I look fine, I enjoy time out with friends, I can find happiness and distraction in things, and then its the mornings the nights and the time alone I feel so empty. I yearn for the connection again.

    I wish time would pass faster.

  37. Hazz March 13, 2013 at 10:22 am #

    So my boyfriend broke up with me on the weekend. He came to visit me at university (we’re in different universities) and stayed over on the Friday night where we were intimate. I’d seen him 2 weeks before when I went down to his university and everything was fine. Over the 2 weeks the amount of contact was the same, he even made plans for the summer with me and said I should go down once my exams are over. He was perfectly fine all Saturday morning, planning on what we’d do that day and that we’d go to the cinema and stuff. Suddenly he went very quiet, and when I asked if he was alright he said yes, then said no and asked me to cuddle up to him. I asked him to tell me what was wrong and he said “you know how you said you’d want to know if I thought there was anything wrong with us.. well, I don’t think I’m in love with you any more”. This was followed by “I mean, I love you so much! But I’m just not IN love with you”. Seeing as he’d been totally normal all morning and suddenly was breaking up with me, I obviously found this come as a huge shock! And not only that, he became very upset so I felt I had to try not to cry as much as I wanted to break down because I had to get through this until he left. He then said “what should I do?”. I don’t know whether this was him trying to get me to tell him to break up with me so I replied with “I think you’ve made your mind up”. I then said I’d have to give him back the jewellery he gave me, and he got really upset and said “NO PLEASE! You have to keep it! If you don’t keep it there’s no hope!”. He also stated he still wants to be friends and doesn’t want to lose me because I know him better than anyone and was his best friend. I’m sorry but, no hope for what? And how can he expect to still be friends? He decided this. This is obviously false hope but I don’t know what to do now. I came home for a few days and my friends have been brilliant. And I know when you’re in university and have freedom then you want to experience that especially as he’s had to look after his mum for the past few years as she’s quite ill. But if he wanted his freedom I don’t understand why this didn’t happen sooner, and also I wish he’d given me some sort of idea, like cutting back on communication and saying things like “We’ll see” instead of happily planning the summer with me. I received a really nice text from his mum as I got on really well with his family and she said she wants to stay in touch with me because she still cares about me, but I don’t know whether this would be a good idea quite yet. I know that his future girlfriends will probably be compared to me as I fitted in so well with his family, but I still hope he comes back, although obviously he’d have to prove himself. I haven’t spoken to him in 2 days; the last time we spoke I stated that I couldn’t be his friend yet but maybe in a few months.. This probably wasn’t the right thing to do but I don’t know what to do/think at the moment. We were together almost a year and I know everyone will say I’m young and there’s plenty more fish, but it’s very hard to move on at the moment. I’m finding it very hard not speaking to him because we were best friends and very similar so we knew each other really well. Or atleast so I thought. My family and friends are being brilliant but I just read these blogs and really felt like commenting.

  38. Hosa March 13, 2013 at 2:14 pm #

    NC 5
    Very sad at night. Cried for the first time alone. For the first time after split up I wanted to contact him, but then I don’t know what to say.

    • Sarah March 17, 2013 at 10:45 am #

      Its hard i know, i really do.
      But stay strong, the first week is the very hardest and afterwards you will see day by day it will get better 🙂

      • Hosa March 17, 2013 at 10:54 am #

        Thanks Sarah. I’ve passed Day 7. It’s not easy. I pray for a quick fix but at the moment I accepted that there’s no quick fix. Life is different now. Life is more challenging than before. Guess all I can do is just to accept it and deal with it, the best I can.

        • Sarah March 17, 2013 at 11:21 am #

          Im at day 18 of nc, and this is what really helped me.
          – write a journal. I have written about 30 letters to my ex boyfriend, never send them offcourse. But something about writing your feelings down, it makes you feel better.
          – run excercise, really during and after your exercise you feel soo good
          -meditation, try it, it works!
          – Read the power of now! It will boggle your mind!
          – Fill your days full with friends, work,..

          The first week i was soo down, cries almost non stop. But the last couple of days i really feel fine. So can you be. Only you can make you happy, boys are stupid haha :p

  39. Tom March 13, 2013 at 2:46 pm #

    8 Days I miss yer so much but i know that i don’t need her to be happy or to have a good life i simply want her but i still haven’t figured out if i just want her because she wanted me and seemed to care about me and love me for who i am or if i truly see a future for the two of us anymore 52 days before i have to make the decision of whether to go after her or move on. Good luck to you all

    • Angie March 13, 2013 at 11:27 pm #

      So you left her because you weren’t sure of your feelings? Or she left you for that reason?
      I think that if you left the person.. you shouldn’t technically miss them that much? I know a couple of years ago when I broke up with my ex who I wasn’t sure I loved, I thought I’d miss him just because he was so good to me and because we spent so much time together that I was used to his company. But when I told him I couldn’t do it anymore, I just felt like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Even though I knew and still know no one will love me or treat me like he did, and at times I didn’t know what to do with my free time because it was all spent with him, I never felt like I missed him or his company (I know that sounds sad and cruel). I may be wrong, each person is different but just something to think about…

      • Tom March 14, 2013 at 12:30 am #

        She left me out of the blue i was the happiest id have ever been when she did asked for a break then three days later ended it and told me she had never loved me 🙂 but life goes on

        • Angie March 14, 2013 at 12:47 am #

          Yikes. Well I am glad you can still smile and say life goes on. I wish I felt that way!

          • Tom March 14, 2013 at 1:08 am #

            It’s all about your mind set, you can’t let someone else define your life or how you act or feel. It’s taken me 11 days since the breakup, and 4-5 meltdowns (i am not someone who lets my emotions out i am a bottler) to get to a point where. I know i miss her and i know i want her back but i don’t need her back and even if she does come back the likely hood of us working as a couple again are very low. I would still try i still love her, but she doesn’t love me or so she says. In the end it just seems stupid for me to let her have that kind of power over me when she obviously wasn’t willing to even try to work things out. Really just look at the bright side of things life’s just become cheaper you have more time to do whatever it is you want to do. Even if that means you spend hours on end just sitting thinking i did for about 6 days ((right after she broke up with me my parents went on holiday for a week) I live at home as well) but now i am going out and doing all these things to make myself better and become happier and healthier, not for her but for me, to make me feel like I am worth something. So that if I ever see her again at least I know that I used all the pain and suffering to make myself into a better person. 🙂

        • Sarah March 14, 2013 at 8:03 am #

          Hi Tom,
          Wauw you really took the words out of my mouth (your message below) I too was dumped in a relationship where i was truely happy for the first time. He ended things out of the blue and I was left feeling empty and worthless. Today is day 15 of no contact. It still hurts when things remind me of him or when I talk about it, but i did all the things i had to do like deleting his number facebook etc,

          About 4 days ago i came to the realisation that even if he would come back, i wouldnt take him back. I dont want to be in a relationship where the other person hs doubts about me, if im the one, if he truely loves me. Thats just not good enough. I want my partner to be over the moon and think im to love of his life, anything less than that is just not worth it for me.

          And i am trying to improve myself, do all the things i said i didnt have time for like running, going to interessting debats. Etc

          Glad to have found a kindred spirit 🙂

          • Angie March 14, 2013 at 2:38 pm #

            I totally admire you both Sarah and Tom! I know you’re right, but it still hurts like hell, and though I wish I could get up and do things that are good for myself, some days I just don’t have the strength!

  40. Hosa March 13, 2013 at 3:16 pm #

    Still on NC 5…errrr…today is so difficult. Hanging on there.

  41. Simon March 13, 2013 at 4:42 pm #

    Day 0 of no contact.

    My ex girlfriend broke up with me 4 weeks and 2 days ago. The first few weeks I did everything wrong that one possibly can do wrong. About 1 1/2 weeks ago I went no contact without saying anything. But after 8 days, I felt the urge to tell her my reasons for going no contact – I just didn’t want to disappear like that. I thought that’s classless and not what I wanted to do. So I contacted her Tuesday morning, letting her know that I wanted no contact because it would be better for me. She couldn’t understand it – she really wants to remain friends. In the end, we kept on texting for two days now. But we always seem to end up talking about the same things. It’s me of course who is directing the conversations towards these topics, if it would be up to hear, we would just talk like old friends. I am going crazy. I love this girl so much but she is just not willing to make any compromises for a relationship. She is Korean, I am German. I met her during her semester abroad at my university and we quickly became a couple. We really grew together and had an amazing time. She told her friends (not me, her friends told me) that she never felt anything like that. She told me that she loved me and that I was an amazing boyfriend, that I am like a best friend for her and that she felt a special and magical connection between us. However, it took only five days after she went back to Korea and she broke up. She says that she now faces reality and has to graduate with good grades and that she has to find a good job. She says that she wants a good life later on and without any limitations. She wants to live in Korea and I was willing to follow her but in her mind, I would face hard times in Korea when it comes to career possibilities and therefore, would limitate her in her life. I offered her to come to Germany for a few years while I would be learning Korean better so that I would have better chances later on. But she says she can’t and doesn’t want to. I don’t know what to do anymore. All of a sudden, she is very cold and only thinks about materialistic issues. That girl I met seems to be gone and I can’t deal with it. Even though she claims that she is still very much that sensitive girl I met. I can’t feel that anymore. It’s like she got brain-washed after her arrival. It’s so sad and I am devastated. I know that we are meant for each other, just the surrounding circumstances don’t allow us to be together and that is so painful.

    • Sarah March 15, 2013 at 10:11 pm #

      Wow that sounds hard, but be strong.
      If she is certain about the break up there is nothing you can do to change that.

      I have learned the hard way that no matter how hard i try, i cant make someone want to be with me.

      I am asian too, and in the asian culture its very very hard to be with someone who isnt, maybe thats whats keeping her away? Families opinion is a big thing for us

      Anyway stay strong, keep up the nc!

      • Simon March 17, 2013 at 10:30 am #

        Yeah, I know quite a few things about Asian culture – and Korean in particular – since I spent 8 months as an exchange student in Korea before (years before I met her). I am aware of these “family issues” and I know how hard it is for Asian girls to be with Westerners. But she knew (knows) how serious I was (and am) about us. She spend 2 1/2 weeks over the Christmas holidays with me and my family (and loved my family – she was crying with my mum when we said goodbye at the end of the holidays). Her family knew that. Ok, they never knew that we are together but still. She didn’t even give me the chance to meet her family. I am pretty sure that if given the chance, her family would have seen that I am different than the usual foreign dickheads that are running around in bunches in Itaewon etc. (and there are tons of them). I just can’t deal with it that she says all the things on one hand (like special connection, amazing boyfriend etc.) and on the other hand, just moves on like that. The last night before she went back to Korea, we blew off a candle together, holding our hands, while each making a wish. I asked her the other day what she wished for and she told me that she wished that we would make it and just be happy (and I believe her that). But 4 days later everything is different? 4 days?!? I skaed her if she things about all the moments we had together. She said no, she is just ignoring the past. I am 28 years now and I can honestly say that I have never been as happy in my life as I have been with her. I know that she is the one for me, my soulmate. When I see our pictures and how happy she was, I think I could be the same for her too. For the first time in my life I felt complete. Now I feel like somebody took away a part of me – and the remaining part is dying a little bit every day.

        • Sarah March 17, 2013 at 10:59 am #

          Hi Simon,
          I completely understand how you feel, When my boyfriend broke up with me i too was soo happy, i would fantasize about our life and children together.. I really thought he was the one. Its day 18 of nc today. And I start seeing my relationship without the glasses of inloveness(if that makes any sense?) it wasnt as perfect as i imagined while being in the relationship.

          Try it, be objective. Be completely honest to yourself. Was your relationship as perfect as you think? Try making a list.

          Now you really cant contact her, no matter how much you want to, give her the space to miss you, if she comes back thats good, if she doesnt by keeping up the nc you will give yourself the best chance of healing.
          Remember you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you, who is willing to fight for you,

          Keep it up and write here if you need it!

        • Sarah March 17, 2013 at 11:10 am #

          Did she give you other reasons? Or do you think it was the family that influenced her? Family can be sooo influencial, sometimes its just not an option to be with someone your family dont agree with.. I speak from experience i never told my parents about my ex boyfriend. But even so, if it was meant to be if she really wants to be with you she would find a way, i did too (sorry if this sounds harsh, but sometimes its what you need)

          how are you doing this weekend? Went to work?

          • Simon March 17, 2013 at 1:38 pm #

            Her family (mum, dad, brother) doesn’t know about us. She is living with two cousins in Seoul, her family is from Jeonju and still living there. Her two cousins know about us, she told them once she arrived in Seoul. The first day after her arrival, we had a Skype conversation. She told me that she told her cousins (she calls them sisters – they have a very special relationship) about us because she didn’t want to lie to them anymore. She said that her cousins weren’t against it. According to my ex, they just told her that they were disappointed that she came out so late with it. They thought she should have told them from the beginning. But that’s what she told me. I never met her cousins and I don’t know what is really going on right now in her every day life – obviously I can’t because of the distance. Her cousins just said (according to my ex) that she should think about us and that later on, she would have a lot of respnosibilities because of the language etc. She would have to do more because I couldn’t have a normal conversation with, lets say a principal in school if there are problems with the children and so on… So in some way, I think they put pressure on her, not directly but in a indirect way.

            What she basically says now is that I won’t earn enough money compared to a Korean, I would have language difficulties, our children wouldn’t be pure blooded (I so hate that term and could throw up every time I hear it. Fuck all those racists out there!) and therefore, would have disadvantages at school. The sad thing is, she is right. Mixed children are in fact discriminated but I am just not willing to let some f**cking racists dictate me who I can and should be in love with and not.

            I understand that all these things put a lot of pressure in a person. That’s why I am not even angry on her. Actually at the moment, I am angry on the entire Korean society. ^^ I just think she makes it too easy for herself. I wished she would put up at least a little bit of a fight for us. But it seems like she is just giving up herself to her fortune without any resistance at all.

          • Simon March 17, 2013 at 2:39 pm #

            Her family (mum, dad, brother) doesn’t know about us. She is living with two cousins in Seoul, her family is from Jeonju and still living there. Her two cousins know about us, she told them once she arrived in Seoul. The first day after her arrival, we had a Skype conversation. She told me that she told her cousins (she calls them sisters – they have a very special relationship) about us because she didn’t want to lie to them anymore. She said that her cousins weren’t against it. According to my ex, they just told her that they were disappointed that she came out so late with it. They thought she should have told them from the beginning. But that’s what she told me. I never met her cousins and I don’t know what is really going on right now in her every day life – obviously I can’t because of the distance. Her cousins just said (according to my ex) that she should think about us and that later on, she would have a lot of respnosibilities because of the language etc. She would have to do more because I couldn’t have a normal conversation with, lets say a principal in school if there are problems with the children and so on… So in some way, I think they put pressure on her, not directly but in a indirect way.

            What she basically says now is that I won’t earn enough money compared to a Korean, I would have language difficulties, our children wouldn’t be pure blooded (I so hate that term and could throw up every time I hear it. Fuck all those racists out there!) and therefore, would have disadvantages at school. The sad thing is, she is right. Mixed children are in fact discriminated but I am just not willing to let some f**cking racists dictate me who I can and should be in love with and not.

            I understand that all these things put a lot of pressure in a person. That’s why I am not even angry on her. Actually at the moment, I am angry on the entire Korean society. ^^ I just think she makes it too easy for herself. I wished she would put up at least a little bit of a fight for us. But it seems like she is just giving up herself to her fortune without any resistance at all.

  42. Claire, UK March 13, 2013 at 11:17 pm #

    ok so no contact was broken because he is now seeing someone!! he strolls into work an hour late because he’s hungover and took a girl to a gig so was out with her all last night!

    The news was such a shock! I haven’t been able to concentrate on work all day! I’ve been a right state but weirdly in some way, i’ve accepted now that its done for good. I can’t compete with someone else because that new person is gonna be all fun loving with no issues with my ex unlike me who would have to have a serious talk about everything before even considering going back so why would that person choose an ex?

    He’s tol me to never contact him again and he wants me out of his life for good and that he’s starting to hate me so i’ve changed my number because he actually text me yesterday asking me questions

    I don’t want to be the nutter ex but the rejection is so hard and i have so many questions! Who is she? is she younger than me? Is she prettier and funnier than me? Its so hard to know that the person you loved most in the world now hates you and wants someone else

    • Angie March 13, 2013 at 11:31 pm #

      🙁 So sorry Claire! The rejection feels just as bad/worse than the initial heartbreak. Don’t try to find out about the ex, it’ll only make you feel worse trust me, (been there done that, I went to her page only to see how gorgeous she is, and how much he and his family love her, it sunk me deeper into my depression)…
      What I don’t get is why is he texting you asking questions???? What was he asking? He sounds like the crazy one to me! If he hates you and has told you never to contact him again, he shouldn’t be the one contacting you either, it makes no sense.

  43. Claire, UK March 13, 2013 at 11:44 pm #

    He text me asking about my sofa because my sisters boyfriend who’s moving in with him and he’s on about taking it but he should be speaking to him about it not me. i didn’t reply so he text me first thing yesterday morning asking to please reply because he would like to know! But he lives with the guy so i don’t get why he’s asking me. Then when i get to work, he meets me in the coffee room and starts chatting asking about my family and trying to be mates but i just can’t do that. Its not like we’ve had a clean break, he texted me constantly, even texting me valentines day wishing me a happy valentines day and saying here’s a big kiss off me because i haven’t got you a present. I’ve been used constantly over the past few months, minding his dog whilst he went on holiday, him saying every weekend if we have a nice chilled out weekend then maybe we can work things out. its just been mind games and stress and when he says stuff like that i assume he’s seeing someone else and start questioning him then he gets annoyed and says this is why we ain’t together

    Today though he came in talking about it and it’s my fault for texting him but i was so upset and he’s told me he’s fine with me seeing other people and that i’m getting crazy now. If we’d had a clean break then i would n’t be like this but he’s been stringing me along for months giving me false hope and now he’s got someone else that i have to hear him bragging about in work whilst i’m on my own. I hate the way he’s treated me and i hate myself for constantly falling for it

  44. Joanne March 14, 2013 at 2:08 am #

    day 28 NC . I’m in a HUGE amount of pain .
    I’ve blocked his FB , his phone # , torn up all of his pictures, given away the gifts he gave me , and configured his e-mail to go directly to trash since g-mail won’t let you block an e-mail address.

    Yes , I want to contact him , but 1 day at a time I’m not going to. Sometimes I have to go hour by hour.

    It’s excruciating , so remember, you can’t do this alone . Use this website for support , call friends BEFORE you call him /her and recognize that this is one of the hardest things in the world to do . An addiction to a person is like an addiction to drugs , just worse.

    love , strength , and peace to all

  45. sleepless March 14, 2013 at 6:36 am #

    Claire…. i couldn’t sleep… been crying the last days… although I’ve been in NC since December 25th… was feeling kinda desperate but.. after reading all your posts i forgot my problems and just wanna tell you something…

    You have to take responsibility for your life…

    People can harm you of course… but finally its you that allow them to harm you or not… is you the one who decides if they’re going to keep digging in your flesh or not…

    I guess you’re mad at yourself for allowing it and for not getting what you want…

    So i think you have to stop looking at his life… is easier to look at his life and blame him and hate him i know… its really easier doing that than looking at your own life and spend time trying to find a way to know what is wrong with your own life instead of worrying for his and taking the decision to worry just about your own.. i know is way more difficult… but i can assure the second option is your only way out. ..

  46. sleepless March 14, 2013 at 6:43 am #

    So my only advice is to work on your self-esteem. .. to get to know yourself and get to love yourself first… if you don’t love yourself… then how will other people love you? Please… wake up and take care

  47. Tom March 14, 2013 at 11:12 am #

    So a mutual friend between my ex and i just told me that a party i was going to go to my ex is going so now i don’t know whether to just go or not and i am unsure as to whether i just broke NC by having her tell me that without me asking her to thoughts?

    • Angie March 14, 2013 at 4:01 pm #

      I don’t think you broke NC because you couldn’t help her telling you that! As far as the party, if you can see her without it affecting you then sure, go for it, it means you’re over it. But if it’s going to leave you thinking about her again, wondering, missing her…then I say wait it out, there will be more parties you can attend in the future!

    • Sarah March 15, 2013 at 1:18 am #

      Dont think it would be a good idea to go, i know you cant hide away forever but right now after not so long of no contact, i think it would do more harm than good.
      But do what you feel and think is best,

      Best of luck

  48. Dee March 14, 2013 at 6:35 pm #

    I got paranoid again accused him of cheating. that was a week yesterday. Never thought he would leave me. I text him to say i was sorry yesterday hoping the row was just like the others no reply I guess now I have to face hes gone. All I have done is cry today the thought of 19 months and my dreams gone. Every morning i wake hoping I will see morning on the text and every morning just a bank screen. If i could talk to him I would say” I am sorry I pushed things as far as I did. I didn’t think of the hurt it caused you. If you would give me just one more chance to prove things can change. I love you and always have and for the moment i still do.

  49. Steve March 15, 2013 at 3:00 am #

    Hi everyone, it has been so reaffirming to know I am not one with this damned feeling of what can only be described as grief, it just knocks you to the core and I have been a god awful mess, barley able to function! We broke up 3 weeks ago and I iniated the no contact rule only to break it on my birthday six days ago, huge mistake, I wish I hadn’t done it! It’s complicated since my ex is/used to be one of my heat friends and we know each other for a decade, furthermore we share mutual friends, work colleges and peer groups. Our lives became so emeshed that by the end of our two year relationship it became a co-dependent mess that wasn’t doing either of us any good, there was no option but to break the cycle but I wasn’t prepared for the absolute crushing heartbreak and isolation that would come with it. To top it off that meeting on my b’day was awful, I got a cold detached acquaintance and it hurt like hell!

    So day 3 of nc: I can do this I know I can, but the wknd is approaching and it’s the first one since the breakup that I have nothing planned, I could work, but the thought of going into that office on a grey weekend depresses me more!

    • Sarah March 15, 2013 at 9:58 pm #

      Hi Steve,

      I know its hard, defenitely when its so recent but if you really want to get over her the nc rule is a must! Actually the only way, in stead of working this weekend couldnt you go do something that you think is fun? I go running in the morning and it makes me feel so much better afterwards, Maybe meet with friends and go out (but no alcohol it makes you feel much worse)
      What did you love doing before you met her?

      • Steve March 15, 2013 at 11:22 pm #

        Thanks Sarah,

        Yeah exercise is definitely on the agenda. The interesting thing about not having someone who was such a huge part of your life is you realisethere are so many other people arountether enrich your life, old friends I’ve barley kept up with, my mom and teenage sister who I’ve missed and haven’t seen as much, it really opens your eyes. It also makes me realise how unhealthy and utterly codependent our relationship was! It still hurts like hell, more than anything I’ve endured before, it just sits there gnawing away at your senses. This may sound melodramatic but it’s not unlike the grief I experienced when I lost my dad to cancer a few years ago, and I really wasn’t expecting it to feel that way! I mean no ones dead right!! The reason Iwanted to work is I am in a very high demand, high stress job and I have been so unproductive these past few weeks, I just can’t concentrate and I suppose being a guy I didn’t want to make a big deal about what happened so am pretending to be ok, but it’s affecting my work so much!

        Ok so day 4 of nc, this is hard!!!

  50. Chantal March 15, 2013 at 10:14 pm #

    Day 36 no contact and day 58 without seeing him.

    It is still hard, but I can now say, as much as I miss him, I would never take him back. I realize that he was put into my life for a reason and that reason is that I have to work on myself and resolve my childhood issues. I am working on myself and laugh more lately…this is a good sign.

    Like I said, I do miss him but I don’t miss OUR daily routine anymore. Thank’s to the NC rule.

    I also know I should be journaling daily, but I haven’t felt like it in the past week. Somehow, it seems to be a bit better. I guess I’ll have to wait for the next “wave” to hit.

    Two steps forward, one step back.

    • Angie March 16, 2013 at 12:53 am #

      I’m right there with you. I went 37 days the first time and then he text me. Of course I was stupid and responded. It’s been 17 days since that but it’s felt like an eternity. I still with I’ll see his number pop up on my phone. Like you I’ve been feeling better, I got a big promotion at work and I guess that gave me a temporary high, I was keeping myself busy as much as I could (I still can’t figure out how to sleep through the night and not wake up missing him) but I was working out, shopping, booked a summer vacation to Cancun etc. But today I was deleting some apps I don’t use from my i-phone. I opened one I didn’t remember downloading before thinking it throughly, and the only contact I had in this app was him (it was an app he liked and downloaded for me), so of course his profile popped up, with a picture of him and his new girlfriend. Before I knew it I had been staring at the photo for 3 minutes crying. I snapped out of it and deleted the app all together, but am sitting here wondering what I could have done differently so he wouldn’t have stopped loving me, wondering why she gets to have him and I’m left to miss him, wondering what she did/had that I didn’t, and beating myself up wondering if all the time he was with me, he was still in love with her? I hate this! It’s so unfair that he gets to be ok and happy and move on when HE was the one who cheated, and I am the one left in pieces! Where is karma when you need it? 🙁 ;(

      • Chantal March 16, 2013 at 1:00 am #

        Hi Angie,

        So sorry you are going through a rough patch.

        Don’t beat yourself up. He left and it’s not because of you. You did nothing wrong and there is nothing you could have done differently that would have changed anything. You have to know and believe that no matter what the situation was, if he truly loved you, he would have worked things out WITH you. Instead, he cheated and left you.

        You have to focus on your wonderful self and see things for what they are. You deserve only the best and obviously he wasn’t man enough for you.

        I too feel like I am in pieces at time. After I have a good cry, I usually see his leaving me as a good thing. Nothing happens for no reason and I am sure that one day you will thank this man not staying in your life.

        Keep the No contact and take your life back. After all, it is your story, your life and not his anymore. You are the most important person in your life, don’t give him that power.

        I wish you all the best.

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