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No-Contact Help: How To Fight The Urge To Contact Your Ex – Part 2

Your friend,
Eddie

I know it hurts. You can’t breathe, you can’t do anything… it’s life-shattering and completely heartbreaking. I’m day 34 of NC – was totally just there, trust me. It’s this pain that teaches you things about yourself, it’s this pain that makes you a stronger and better person, and it’s this pain that shows you just how amazing a person you are. Damn right, I said it, and I’ll say it again because you didn’t believe me. It’s this pain that shows you just how amazing a person you are. Please continue to reach out to your friends and family, they’re there to help you. We’re obviously here to help out too when we can. You’re hardly alone though… even if you are single or lonely, this doesn’t make you alone.

Sure, I’m single, and a little lonely from time to time, but I’m FAR from alone. Same goes for you:

You matter to people. You’re a loved family member, a trusted friend, an esteemed co-worker, a fellow classmate to hundreds of people. These people give a damn: they buy you lunch sometime, you carpool, or you workout at the local gym together perhaps. You may have pushed these people aside over the past few weeks, but bring them back into your life again. Prove to yourself that you’re frickin awesome and beautiful. Keep your head up strong, and don’t be scared. Be the best person who you can be, and you will find someone who can appreciate it… whether it’s tomorrow morning, or in ten years, you should be just as excited and thrilled at the prospect of this individual.

You know how they behave, you know how they make you feel, and you know just how incredible they are. And what’s great about this person, when you find them, is that they’ll feel the same things about you. And that, my dear, is the relationship and the person you want to be with. Once you can learn to love yourself, put every drop of enthusiasm and care into pursuing this person. Neither of us knows what they look like, where they live, or what it is that they will do when they see you, but know that said person is out there.

I never thought of myself as an addict. I always thought I was a strong person because I deal with my pain without drinking or anything like that. But I just realized I’m not that strong at all. I’m addicted to relationships. Not deep and meaningful ones, as I have few of those, but just relationships that distract my heart from my pain. I post my profile or go out to flirt with guys just to feel I’m desirable or attractive. I’ve decided this is worse than drinking ’cause it does more damage than drinking ever could. When you drink, the pain is still there when the person wakes the next day, but they haven’t emotionally added to it. Seeking new relationships to lessen my pain only causes me more pain.

It hurts me so, so much to be alone. When I realize how alone I am in the world I feel like I’m sinking deeper and deeper into something … or into nothing. I feel on the verge of tears all day, and I see nothing really as worth living for. I feel like I’m worthless. It’s as though all my accomplishments don’t matter because no one cares. No one is here to love me and care for me. This hurts so much … sometimes more than I think I can bare.

I realized that I’ve never been able to be totally alone, without being some kind of relationship, for any amount of time. I don’t know how to make myself happy. I don’t even know who I or what I want most of the time because my focus is always someone else. I know if this doens’t change, I’ll somehow end up in another disfunctional relationship. I’m determined to not date anyone for a while, and if my depression gets too bad I’ll just have to bare it.

So, today’s lesson: I was born alone and will die alone. I need to find myself, get to know who I am, and learn to love myself.