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No Contact Help: Ways To Stop Thinking Of Your Ex

Photo by Shifteye

As you might very well know by now, following the “No Contact Rule” is one of the most challenging things you’ll ever do.

During No-Contact, you have to try shielding yourself from all the thoughts and feelings that are flooding you.

To stop thinking of your Ex, day in day out, seems to be the biggest challenge of it all.

But it is one of the most essential premises in breakup recovery, because once you stop allowing them to dominate your mind, you subconsciously set a signal within yourself – like a beacon – that you finally WANT to get over them.

And once you manage that, you’ve made an important step forward in your journey.

In my coaching, I use a proven technique based on cognitive behavior to train yourself to not think of your Ex. (It’s in my free Ebook that you receive when joining my newsletter.)

But are there other methods to control your negative thought patterns in such a way that they don’t harm you any more?

Psychologist Jeremy Dean from PsyBlog – a blog about scientific research into how the mind works – lists 8 more methods to defeat persistent, unwanted thoughts.

Among them are things like “Focused Distraction”, which I think is an excellent, “common sense” way to deal with unwanted thoughts – whenever your Ex comes to mind, concentrate on a specific piece of music, task, etc.

What I think is the best presented method in that article – and which I also use in my own coaching – is “Self-Affirmation”.

You practice this by replacing a negative “Ex-Thought” with a predefined self-affirmation.

One that works perfectly is: “I love myself abundantly and unconditionally” or “I let go of people who do not have my best interests at heart “.

This works in two ways – with a little practice, you can condition yourself to stop this negative thought process and at the same time, work on your self-love and self-worth.

Two birds with one stone.

One suggested way that doesn’t fit into breakup recovery too well is “Paradoxical Therapy”, where instead of repetitive thoughts, you concentrate on them.

This can do more harm in your recovery than good, especially at the very beginning of your break-up or divorce.

So you will have to try different methods in order to learn what best works for you.  Whatever it is, start right NOW.

And remember – baby-steps and one day at a time.

You can read the article about 8 ways to defeat persistent unwanted thoughts here.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

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71 Responses to No Contact Help: Ways To Stop Thinking Of Your Ex

  1. Dorene May 8, 2013 at 12:49 am #

    Thanks for this Eddie! I am in Day 53 of NC and yes I still think about my ex but it doesn’t hurt as much as it did the first few days, few weeks of the breakup. Lately I have neglected to constantly distract myself from thinking about him! I still cry (as i am a very emotional person, with tears atleast) when I remember him (not the good stuff though) and how he treated me badly. I knew i didn’t deserve it! And maybe I am still so angry at the fact that I was not able to hit him or release that anger in some way at him or to make him realize how he traumatized me by using me for sex, for my money and for just me sacrificing so much for him. When I tell stories about how terrible he was to me I still get emotional. But as I constantly see friends, as I have a lot of them, I still feel the need to let them know my aide of the story. Let them know how I felt so they would understand. Is that a bad thing?

    And eddie, how do i deal with my ex’s debts (money loan) to me? I promised I will never make contact for 60 days and if I’m not yet ready I might even push it to 90days. Should I ask someone else to deal with the money he owes me? How do I deal with it? And how do I take control of the situation so if he responds, I wouldn’t feel powerless at all?

    And how do I control the thoughts of getting Him back? I am too nice and forgiving of a person like most ladies are and even though I know he doesnt want me back maybe from his own thinking or from other people’s wrong opinions… the stupid side of me still somehow wants him.

    Ladies, the pain gets easier! Trust me! Distract yourself with something to do everyday.. Join a club, hobby or a charity program! Something that will help you gain that confidence again! I am on Day 53 and already lost 15lbs, feel like the smartest person in my class (im training in a really high profile company) and can walk by myself to the mall or anywhere without worrying if i’m beautiful enough. It gets better, you just have to take the first step!

  2. Ana May 8, 2013 at 5:48 pm #

    Not every way of getting over a break up works for everyone but one thing that sometimes works is spending a bit of time thinking about what you did not like about your ex so that you are armed with a few “dislikes” when you think about him yet again with rose-colored specs. Let’s face it, no one is perfect but we tend to forget about the bad stuff when someone leaves us.

    Armed with your list, when you start feeling sad because he is no longer with you, you can focus on the dislikes instead – example “but at least I don’t have to live with him dumping his dirty socks on the bedroom floor or his mother calling or his beery breath after a night out” or whatever. The longer the list and the more critical you can be the better. If nothing else he’s a b*** the way he left you.

    It’s pretty difficult to train yourself not to think of someone. As soon as you say to yourself I’m not going to think about him, that’s the very thought you’re having, but you can also avoid making your relationship perfect, when it wasn’t.

  3. PB May 13, 2013 at 8:34 pm #

    Thanks for the article Eddie! I’m on day 67 of NC and it hasn’t been easy. One of the hardest obstacles for me is the constant thinking. I can’t seem to shut my mind off and I know that it’s impossible to do that. This article is helpful because even though I can’t shut my mind off, I can focus on other things in my life. I’m going to try the ‘focused distraction’ and ‘affirmations.’ I liked the ones you wrote above so I’m going to use those.

    I’ve noticed some positive differences in my life now. I’ve been working out on a regular basis and getting in touch with old friends. I still have a long way to go, but I’m not giving up. I really want to get to know myself and be happy just being me (if that makes any sense). For years it seems as if I lost myself and allowed others to come into my life and change it around as they wish, but not anymore. I’ve noticed I’m becoming a stronger person. I have you to thank Eddie because you keep providing me with the tools to keep going. Thanks for so much support and guidance thru this.

    • Eddie Corbano May 14, 2013 at 8:41 pm #

      Thank you PB, I am thankful that I could make a positive difference in your life.

      Yes, Distraction and Affirmations are the best ways to fight of the negativity at the very beginning, maybe also try the technique described in my newsletter.

      Hang in there!

  4. grick May 15, 2013 at 9:11 am #

    Hey guys! i was in a relationship with a girl for about 8 months, we fell in love with each other, we traveled together for 6 weeks, 2 weeks after we return she ends the relationship, this was about 3 months ago. i was an absaloute mess at first, went through all the notions, begging, calling, crying etc etc. i was gutted. i didnt speak to her for about 5 or 6 weeks and just before my birthday (last week) we met up. she told me she had ‘someone else in her life’ this set me back but not to square one. I asked her if she still had feelings for me, she said yes, and she also said that it was just a rebound for her.
    I havent talked to her since, i went to australia for a week, spent it pretty much by myself, reflecting and realising how big the world is. she emailed me while i was over there to wish me happy birthday, told me she loved me and said that even though i couldnt understand her actions now she hoped we could look back and treasure our memories in the future. i didnt reply. i returned home,deleted her off facebook, im back at uni, joined the gym and brought a new car. although im making progress and putting one foot in front of the other i cant help but have her in my mind the whole time, there are ups for sure and they seem to get longer but the down oh boy they suck. i saw a quote which said ‘yes time heals wounds, but its what we do with that time to kill it in the meantime is what matters’ and i guess im just waiting for it to all go away. im really thankful for forums like this because its nice to know im not in the same boat. the memories are memories, they are becoming more faint. but how much longer will i feel hollow?

    • Dorene May 16, 2013 at 12:51 am #

      Hi Grick. It will all get better.. give it a little more time. I see you feel like you started in square one so maybe you can start counting NC again. Cut off all contact, purge your place with all things that will make you remember her, and don’t stalk her or her friends on facebook. It also helps if you let your friends know that they should not mention her in your conversations. Start living your life without her. Remember who you were eight months ago. Or remember that you were also perfectly happy when you didn’t meet her. It will all get better in time, you are just healing for now, let yourself heal. It was a loss so of course you will essentially feel hollow but rest assure, it will go away eventually. Do something that will keep you busy, work, do overtime!haha, get involved with a hobby you wanted to try or learn something new. Be with your friends and family.

  5. Mark Dice May 24, 2013 at 7:24 pm #

    Hi Grick, I had a similar experience couple of years back and I can feel your pain! All I can say is that the pain really goes away with time. It took me a long time but I got over it and believe me when you do get over it, you´ll feel great!!

  6. Blue May 27, 2013 at 1:31 am #

    Hi Eddie, I’ve been reading a lot of stuff on your website and recently joined your newsletter mailing list. I’m a 51-year-old male, married and divorced three times. Contrary to the evidence, I am not a philanderer, a casa nova, or a playboy. I’ve never had anything but the best of intentions in my relationships and have tried to treat my partners with respect while communicating openly. Yet I still encounter all sorts of problems and the resulting failures and pain.

    About 15 months ago, I thought I had finally found the right partner, another woman my age. The relationship was terrific; we had much in common and it seemed like we were destined to be together forever. Until last Wednesday that is. We met at a park and she informed me she was not happy and that we could not be together anymore. I can honestly say I am crushed. I knew we had been drifting a bit the past four to six weeks but she has much going on in her life so making the time to discuss matters was difficult. I had hoped we could talk things out but unfortunately, it appears she had started along the breakup path several weeks ago. Now it is too late for us.

    I asked what went wrong and all she could say that night at the park is it wasn’t me, but her. We exchanged emails a couple of days later (I initiated) and she was a little more forthcoming. We had discussed a couple of serious issues just after new year and I was trying to address them but it wasn’t enough. The issues remained prominent enough in her mind that it compromised our relationship. I wish she could have tolerated or forgiven those circumstances but I can’t even say I blame her either.

    Of all the relationships I have had, she was the best. My pain right now seems overwhelming. I am giving myself one full week from the breakup to grieve and to process what happened ( as you suggested if a breakup is fresh and less than a week old). I am replaying all the mental tapes of our relationship in my head. I am crying, feeling sorry for myself, beating myself up and wishing I could turn back time. Then I will apply the 60-day no-contact rule. I have already informed her about it and she will respect my wishes. Fortunately, both of us have handled this maturely and with little or no anger, but it hurts so much.

    I am trying to follow as much of your advice as I can because much of what I have read resonates with me. And I keep re-reading the articles over and over.

    I have to admit I am at a point where I am seriously wondering what is the matter with me. I am also not very confident I will ever find the same caliber partner as my most recent one or that I will use her as a measuring stick for future partners.

    I can only trust that I will be in a better headspace by the end of July when the 60-day period is over. I don’t know if I can ever not have feelings for this lady, and I’m concerned it will affect my approach in any future relationships. I’m not sure how long I will have to wait to get back on track. My feelings of loneliness are powerful right now, and the thought of not having anyone for companionship or intimacy for months and months is discouraging to say the least.

    Eddie, I have faith in your advice but I am having difficulty seeing how I can draw enough strength to make it without beating myself up or all the emotions taking a serious toll on me. I will keep reading, keep hoping and keep praying.

    • Eddie Corbano May 27, 2013 at 8:53 pm #

      Dear Blue,

      I am very sorry for what happened, my heart goes out to you.

      I know exactly what you are talking about, starting the recovery is like looking up to the top of a huge mountain you are about to climb and having no idea at all how to pull that off.

      I can only assure you that it’s possible and that you have to take one step after the other. Avoid looking to the top of the mountain and only watch the steps that you are taking in the moment… it’s so easy to slip off and slide down.

      Also, NEVER ever allow thoughts like “there is something wrong with me…”, immediately nip such thoughts in the bud. They serve no purpose at all, they can do damage.

      Hang in there and keep me posted!

      Your friend,
      Eddie

      • Blue May 28, 2013 at 3:06 am #

        Thanks man… like everyone, I have my weak moments and that is when I question my character the most. It is curious how are psyche goes straight to beating yourself up in these situations. I will keep you posted, and I will keep reading.

        • Emily June 10, 2013 at 8:10 pm #

          Blue, have you addressed the ‘serious issues’ now? Your gf thought that the serious issues hadn’t or wouldn’t be addressed. What were they?

          • Blue June 11, 2013 at 10:29 pm #

            Hi Emily, one of the serious issues is a very personal matter. I’m not really prepared to air it out right here and now and I’m not sure if being vague will help. It was my fault each time and I accept full responsibility (it had nothing to do with abuse or infidelity). Unfortunately, it can’t be undone and the damage was irreversible.

            The other serious issue had to do with how we were sharing our lives. My girlfriend has three older children, all at home right now. They all have their own partners. She has a fairly large and very close network of friends. She works at a high-profile business in the community. I spent much time at her home and among her friends.

            On the other hand, I have a very small family. I’m a single father with an 18-year-old daughter. We are fairly quiet. I have friends but they are casual and I rarely have company. My home is not really set up for entertaining.

            In fact, I usually (and probably mistakenly) believed I was doing her a favour by not asking her to uproot from her home and her life to be more of a part in my home and my life. I was trying to be accommodating. Instead, I think she interpreted it as not being open and sharing.

            That is one tidbit she shared with me. I think there were other factors but maybe she is being kind by not being too critical.

            Our relationship was her first serious one in about 15 years. She did tell me something to the effect of, “Make sure your next relationship isn’t with someone who hasn’t been in a relationship for years.” Maybe she felt constrained by our relationship as well. I really don’t know and if I speculate, I tend to draw negative conclusions and that’s not good for me.

            I don’t know if that clarifies much. It is something I plan to address whenever I’m mentally ready to share my life again.

  7. M May 29, 2013 at 12:37 pm #

    To write or not to write a farewell letter?

    Hi all,

    I’m almost at Day 60 of No Contact. I’m not over my ex yet but on the whole I’m feeling happier and more independent thanks to your Ex Detox program. He was as honourable as possible and I know that he did not want to hurt me but I was devastated. My last words to him were terribly harsh and judgemental and laid the blame entirely in his court. But in truth we were both architects of the break up. I do not want to try to get back together with him again (and I am in fact going overseas for a working holiday) but I don’t want my last words with him to be harsh either. I would like to write a letter to him as my final contact to say thank you for our 8 years together and farewell. The aim is to end our relationship on a positive note. On the other hand, I don’t want to reconnect.

    What do you think?

    M

    • Blue May 30, 2013 at 7:25 pm #

      What about writing the letter followed by another 60 days of no contact? That gives you an opportunity for closure without risking re-opening old wounds.

  8. stef May 31, 2013 at 9:36 pm #

    Hi everyone. My gf of 18months dumped me after 18 months. It came completely out the blue, but I’m sure there were signs as Eddie says. Being dumped coincided with a sudden and tragic death in my family, I was dumped less than a week after the funeral. I’m a few hours away from day 3 of NC. I just want to say thank you for such great assistance during a tough time.
    Stef

    • grick June 3, 2013 at 2:48 am #

      keep charging stef!!! do life dont think about the time, allow yourself the feelings, dont try push them away because then theyll get stronger and in a month compare how you feel now to how you feel in a month. go boy go!

      • stef June 3, 2013 at 12:07 pm #

        Thanks Grick, thanks for your post, it really helps. Im struggling to accept that the person I wanted to spend the redt of my life with is capble of leaving me just as my life is falling apart. That should make it easier for me to move on but it doesn’t.
        Stef

        • Blue June 3, 2013 at 1:29 pm #

          Hi Stef… hang in there my friend. Like you, I am struggling to accept the fact that the woman I cared for so deeply decided her life would be better without me than with me. The feelings of rejection are so painful. I’ve lost my lover, my best friend, her family and friends… all of whom I liked and admired. I’m now in day five of no contact and am trying to take care of my day-to-day responsibilities as a father, running a household, and being a productive employee… while looking for another job since my current one is not paying enough to cover my bills. Plus, I don’t really have a close network of my own friends, people I can talk to. I’m in survival mode and my self esteem has taken another hit. My brain knows what I should be doing but my heart is very heavy. My thoughts are with you, as they are with every person in a similar circumstance. Be strong.

  9. stef June 3, 2013 at 1:44 pm #

    Hi Blue
    Thanks mate, much appreciated. Im in Edinburgh, I have no idea where you are but your post is helping me.
    Most of the time Iam coping but when im low I’m really low. I feel desperate. I had a week of texting, emailing and phoning. She ignored me completely. I struggle to. come to terms with the fact that she thinks so little of me at a time of tremendous bereavement.
    Enough about me. How are you? I admire yhe fact that you are holding down the job and looking after the kids. I know you are feeling that your life has fallen apart at the moment but keep in going. Im here anytime you need a chat. This is a great site.
    Thanks Eddie and everyone on here. Stef

    • Blue June 3, 2013 at 5:14 pm #

      Hi Stef, I’m near Niagara Falls, Canada. Funny how love and rejection is a universal theme that instantly brings people together from around the world. Yes, when I am low, it is very low and desperation and self-doubt creep into the mix. Fortunately for me (so far), anger has not played a major role. You mention “coming to terms.” That’s what I want as well, and I want it instantly, probably to help relieve the pain and rejection. Except coming to terms with anything so profound always takes time. I don’t know how to compensate between now and then.

      My 18-year-old daughter lives with me full time. The poor kid is going through her own pressures and stress, let alone seeing her father struggling to hold things together. I just can’t completely hide everything from her, nor should I. But I can’t drop all my issues on her either. The pressure is difficult to endure.

      My condolences on your family loss.

      You are right. I’m glad so many of us have a site like this to turn to.

      • stef June 3, 2013 at 9:29 pm #

        Hi Blue, hope your well? I just want to say that you sound a very nice guy. You are doing. the right thing by your daughter and that is great. I will write more later but im pushed for time. I just want you to know that im here in Scotland miles away from you but you have my support. Stick in!

      • stef June 4, 2013 at 12:49 am #

        Your right Blue, all across the world people are facing the same heartbreak and exactly the same feelings that we are.
        Let me tell you my story.

        20 years ago I was at my friends house, his wife was out with her friends and we just shared a few beers and had a catch up. After midnight my friends wife came home, I was half asleep. I soon woke up though, my friends wife had brought a friend home with her. She was beautiful, I fell for her before I had spoken to her. I told my friend I was going to date her, he laughed. Anyway, not only did I date her but I married her too. We had the most incredible time together, it was a beautiful dream that I was actually living. In 2004, my wife developed speech and word finding issues. She was diagnosed with a brain tumour. A year later she died and my life crumbled too. After the darkest few years possible I began to rejoin the human race. I dated and fun, nothing really serious, just genuine fun and shared good times. Years pass as they tend to do and I was making the best of my life I think. February 2012 I met a girl that blew my mind. We clicked instantly, we shared so much in common and we had the most incredible 16 months or so. I thought this was another shot at a long term relationship for me. We shared all our spare, we enjoyed lots of vacations and weekend breaks. Everything was perfect, there was honestly no
        hint of what was to come. On the first of May my 18 year old nephew died. My family is devestated as you can imagine. We are all lost. My nephew was buried on the 14th of May, on the 21st of May I was dumped.

        At the time I did not have the strength to feel hurt or to fight for her. I felt hurt and let down that she would leave me such an obvious time of pain.

        I feel hurt that I have not had an explanation, I just feel hurt and alone and scared.

        Everything that I believe in and everything that I have read on here should make this breakup easier but it doesn’t. When my back was against the wall, when my family’s and my life were falling apart she just walked away. Why am I upset, I should be glad to get rid of someone who so obvioudly doesn’t have my best interests at heart. I should but I’m not, I love her and I miss her.

        This site has helped me enormously, thanks Eddie. I know I need to keep on going. This girl kids not on my side, that’s so OBVIOUS.

        But still those feelings are there, pain, loneliness, hurt, anger, frustration, stress, isolation. I now see how big a task I have infront of me in putting this relationship behind me. I’m almost into day 6 of NC, for you guys across the pond I’m 25 minutes away from Tuesday.

        This is my story, I know we al have variations of this. I don’t really have anything else to add. We are all dealing with situations and emotions that are raging out of control. We need to work hard to just cope with each day.

        I love and miss my wife dearly, I think of her every day. The world is all the poorer for her passing. However, we CANNOT let one relationship define our life. That would simply be crazy.

        I’m suffering and I’m struggling to get through this break up, but I know somehow I have to. I have so much more to do in this life. One relationship failing can’t break me as a person.

        I share every persons pain on this site, we will all get through this, Eddie will just make it easier and quicker for us to rebuild our lives. Good luck to everyone. Blue your a star, keep on my friend and you will get there. Anytime you need a chat, I’m here. The mighty Atlantic seperates us but we are together in this journey. Love and Peace
        Stef

        • Emily June 10, 2013 at 8:12 pm #

          Did your gf really give you no explanation of why she ended the relationship?

    • Seeker November 2, 2015 at 4:19 pm #

      Stef,

      How are you now?

  10. Blue June 4, 2013 at 5:09 am #

    Good morning to you Steph… you know, when I was a much younger man, there was a time when I believed I had endured more hardships than most others. I had pretty much lived a happy and charmed life as a youngster and enjoyed most of what life had to offer well into my 20s. Then a few things went off kilter, I caught some tough breaks and began to go through some difficult times. I was felling pretty sorry for myself. Looking back, I just didn’t know any better.

    Eventually I learned an important lesson. Just about everybody has walked down a hard tough road, some people for most of their lives and others in stretches breaking up the good times. I read your story and it reaffirms this lesson. Sometimes it takes more courage for some people to get out of bed and face the day than it does for someone else to perform a typically heroic deed. You, my friend, are an example of this and my hat is off to you.

    I’m intrigued by some of the things we have in common. I lost my father to a brain tumour in 1988. I know how difficult it is to see a loved one battle with all their might against such a terrible affliction. Losing my father was difficult. I can’t imagine how I would have felt if it was my wife.

    I’ve been through three marriages and three divorces. I’m no playboy and have had nothing but honourable intentions in all my relationships. Unfortunately, that hasn’t been enough. I’ve been through bankruptcies, fires, unexpected career changes, I’ve endured emotional and verbal abuse, depression, and had one partner leave me for another man. I’ve paid alimony and child support, lost investments and been financially ruined over and over. I’ve watched my daughter disown her own mother after enduring the same abuse I did when we were together. Lots of disappointment, lots of tears and crushing disappointment. And if there is one thing I am happy to say is I have somehow found a way to keep dusting myself off and hoping for the future. And smiling. I believe in the power of the smile because you never know what the other person is dealing with.

    But I have to admit it is a challenge to smile at all these days. It helps when you know you are not alone.

    I met my latest lady friend on February 18, 2012. We actually knew each other a little bit years earlier by socializing in the same circles but she was married at the time and busy with three young children. I was also married at the time. But when we got reacquainted at a mutual friend’s birthday party that night, there was an instant connection. And it lead to a wonderful and happy relationship. I would dare say we were madly in love with each other as late as March of this year. And then everything changed and on May 22, our relationship ended when my girlfriend said she wasn’t happy anymore. Now I’m alone again. But like you, I believe I still have much to do in this life. I’m 51 and I feel 21 at times.

    You are so right. One failed relationship can’t break me as a person. I felt wonderful and full of life just a few weeks ago and I really want to recapture that feeling again. But I know it starts at home. I have to be happy with myself, for my sake and my daughter’s sake. The rest will take care of itself. At least that is the way I have things figured out for now. This blog and Eddie’s advice sure helps. This is a pivotal time for self-improvement and a fresh start.

    Thanks for sharing your inspiring story, Steph. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    • stef June 4, 2013 at 12:43 pm #

      Hi Blue, I really appreciate your openness. I’m on a day out with my daughters today. The weather is gorgeous and we are going to a concert later. My email is stefw29 @ gmail.com if you ever need to chat. Have a great day and keep your/ chin up and keep that smile of yours going.
      Stef

    • mike June 5, 2013 at 11:24 am #

      Stef and Bleu GOD BLESS ya both brothers. I feel your pain man! But let me offer you this: When you do THE WORK, the pain goes away that much quicker. cheers

      • stef June 5, 2013 at 8:30 pm #

        Hi Mike, thanks for your support. I just want to say again that the support from this site is truly fantastic.
        Good luck and be strong to everyone.
        Stef

  11. T June 12, 2013 at 3:08 am #

    Hi, I have been in a roller coaster relationship for almost 2 years, about ever 1-2 months he pushes me away and ignores me for days or weeks but always comes back around and is sorry. I forgive him and understand he’s got a lot on his plate with his family. But recently he ruined my birthday and his birthday and a holiday or two that has left me devastated. And things have only gotten worse. He begged me back last time and said he wanted to marry me and it was hard but I believed him and then something happened with his family on a night we had plans and he stood me up with no explanation I got upset and he then told me the reason and hung up on me. He has ignored me for 3 days and I tried contacting him today to talk about it like mature adults. He couldn’t even call and texted ‘a break is needed’ and he would call me after his family member passes, if I found someone else he would understand. I said no way and ended it right there. I blocked his calls got rid of his items and am determined this time to stick to my decision to get away from this. I want a loving and nurturing relationship and have had them before, this is the first ‘drama relationship’ I’ve ever been in so it took me a while to catch on that its toxic and things will not get better if we were married. I am starting my first NC day tomorrow, since we broke up today. Eddie, can you please send me day 1 again, the site won’t take my email a second time, being that I signed up before a few months ago. 🙁 thank you, I am looking forward to feeling good again and loving life like its intended.

  12. Sneha June 12, 2013 at 6:38 am #

    I am on day 15 of NC but i still cry a lot.I had been dating this guy for about 6 months and we seemed so compatible to each other and enjoyed each others company a lot. but on may 30th , i came to know that he has already got enganged to someone else, but he didnt tell me a word about it. When a got to know, i got so furious. i called up his fiance and told her everything about us. What hurt me most is that guy denied everything between us and said that we are good friends. He even denied proposing me. From that day, i broke off all contact with him. But i am also very stupid. And somewhere down the line, i thought that he would say sorry to me. But then yesterday i discovered that he has blocked me from facebook, gmail and even on our office communicator. I felt so bad. I should have blocked him when i got the chance. Instaed i had hope that he would apologize to me. Tomorrow is my birthday and all i can think of are the plans we had made for the day.

    I hate him and want to forget him….but day 60 seems still a long way to go.

    • T June 14, 2013 at 6:19 pm #

      Hi Sheha, I wanted to wish you a happy birthday!! 🙂 I am so familiar with having my birthday ruined two years in a row and actually my boyfriend forgot it this last year on thanksgiving and cooked for his whole family and didn’t invite me or call all day long. Other holidays too. I think as women or just caring people these days are meaningful and create good memories that last and we can reflect on. The fact that he did this to you breaks my heart. I hope you had a wonderful day despite of it. I managed to make myself smile on those days he wasn’t there and really take in family and friends who were there on those special occasion and they will have a special place in my heart. I recently listened to the audio on one of Eddie’s articles, a message from the future you and it gave me so much strength. we are so worthy and deserving of beautiful things and surrounding ourselves with loved ones. 🙂 take tender-loving care of yourself.

      • Sneha June 17, 2013 at 8:03 am #

        Hi Tina,

        Thanks a lot for the wishes. I am 24 and this was my first serious relationship. So i am very heart broken. I know i deserve a lot better. But i loved him so much and it just pains to know how he denied everything in the first place and then broke off all contact with me to make me feel like i am the one who pushed him into this relationship. I am wrecked right now. he is in the same office as me, but thank god sits on a different floor.
        And hang on there as eddie says. Please dont break the NC rule. Talk to people u love whenever u feel lonely. I am there too.
        well u know what, initially i hadnot blocked him from my phone or facebook. i used to worry about what if he calls. Then i unblocked him but still didnt receive his calls. Finally i learnt that he has only blocked me..so dont try thinking and over- analysing. What they did to us was wrong. And they deserve better people.

    • i am alonek July 13, 2013 at 11:42 am #

      Hi Sneha

      I read your story.its really pathetic. follow the NC rules. you will feel better. i am also following this NC rule.
      My bf left me after 7yrs of our relationship. he promised me that he will marry me. i gave him everything , i sacrifice my all wishes for him. i was always with him in his any situation. but when i was in bad situation he just left me. this year my father died and my family had to pass many difficulties. the person whom i needed most left me alone.i cried and i could not eat. then i came to this site and i read the articles . now i am following the NC rules.

      my suggestion for you is to try to control your emotion. never contact with your ex. he lied to you so he can not b a good person for you. you deserve better person than him.

      Best of luck

  13. Tough June 12, 2013 at 1:22 pm #

    Hi Eddie,

    R’ship ended in Jan, was a 6 month r’ship, my first ever. Basically things went really sour on holiday and ended up being incredibly stressful and traumatizing. I cut myself off with nc when she said she didnt want anything anymore, but the pain just kills me, itd be about day 150 now, so the days havent really meant all that much. Have done the cocasional fb stalk but i cant see anything due to her privacy settings. Technically this should mean i restart from 0 but I dont feel that way. I still am really emotional and am having thoughts about contacting her once again to try and get some sort of closure, as i know had she wanted me back she would have contacted me, but im struggling just getting on with my life. The pains come back badly lately feels like a relapse. I want to make this choice to flick her out of my head but it just doesnt happen for me.

  14. Travis J. June 14, 2013 at 2:36 pm #

    I’m on day 29 of N.C. And I don’t know where I’d be without Eddie and everything he has created for us. I’m a 21 year old college student and dated my ex for 3 years. She was my first love and couldn’t imagine a lifetime without her. I know I was nieve, and just didn’t know how to handle a serious relationship. She ended up leaving me say she wanted to meet new people and ended up just totally changing alot of things about her. Her grades dropped, priorities changed and pretty soon I found myself alone and lost. It has been so hard for me not to talk to her but I know deep inside it’s what’s for the best. I know I couldn’t have spent the rest of my life with this person she is now. My hurt is soooo much less, and the anxiety is manageable now. I hope it only continues I get easier. I have really endulged in bettering myself both physically and mentally. I am constantly at the gym, while reading more and more self improvement books and taking my school studies extremely serious. I know I am going to make this a positive change, and I wont let this beat me. Luckily I have a great surrounding with friends and family that are always there for me. So I cling to them and try to cherish every minute I have with them. I hate not having that certain someone, because I consider myself someone who loves being in a relationship. But all I can do is hope that someone else is ou there waiting, and someone that will love me for me. Thank you for everyone that has posted on here, this has been such a positive influential factor on my recovery and I am forever grateful.

    It does get better!!!! Stay strong and carry on:)

  15. S. the troubled one. June 15, 2013 at 6:18 am #

    I’m on day 6 of NC, day 8 of my breakup. We were together during the 4 years spent in college, and he broke up with me on the last day of my senior finals. The past week has been no less than an emotional rollercoaster; I’ve had moments of pure determination and positivity but minutes later I’ll be reminiscing about the past. I’ve really been trying to block out all thoughts of my ex but it’s been such a challenge. Mornings are the worst! For some strange reason, I’ve been dreaming of my ex these past few nights, and I wake up feeling terrible. The panic, anxiety, and loneliness were at an all-time high when I woke up. I’m determined to accept that the relationship is over but I don’t know how to quell the hope that I still harbour… it seems futile. I also don’t know what happens when I reach day 60 of NC. Do I get to contact him then? It seems my motives for NC aren’t fully to get over the relationship but to prove to myself how long I can go without him in my life. Does anyone else feel this way?

    • T June 16, 2013 at 10:57 am #

      Tonight ad I checked off day 4 of NC on Eddie’s chart I said to myself only 56 more days to go. But then I thought the same thing, then what? Will I not care as much by then? Will I see more clearly? And decide it really wasn’t meant to be? I personally don’t ever want to talk to my ex, I work with an ex of 6 years in a large company and he’s now getting married and I cried when I found out but would never want to get back with him, I’m just bit attracted to him, but it still hurts. And I know it would still hurt to see or talk to this guy after 60 days or even a year. I am missing him a lot tonight. 🙁 and also find myself wondering if he has tried calling? I’m really beating myself up about blocking him from my phone. 🙁 I am starting to doubt myself a lot even though I did feel a sense of self dignity when I initially started this. 🙁

  16. Shelly June 25, 2013 at 1:06 pm #

    Day 8 of NC. We broke up 6 weeks ago after 3 years of being together. We have a child together so nc is hard but beyond talking about her I know I need to do this. We had been struggling for almost a year, I knew something wasn’t right but hoped it would pass. We got in a minor Arguement and that blew up into him calling me terrible names in front of our daughter. I asked him to leave, cool down. He took that as me kicking him out and really he hasn’t even tried to work on anything, seems to just want to walk away. I am in shock. I thought we would be together forever, I can’t believe he is not even wanting to try and fix things. He’s been very cruel since we split, would be mean every time I tried to talk about the relationship. I found this website and realized nc is the way to go, even if it is hard. At least I don’t keep getti g hurt over and over by more cruel words and blame. He seems to think I never loved him, used him, lied to him, etc. he is very jealous of a friend I dated briefly before we got together and he accused me of having an affair, which I didn’t. But he won’t listen, just blames me, seems to want it to be all my fault even though he is the one walking away wo even trying while I am willing to do counseling, try. I think he may be seeing someone new, a mutual acquaintance who is a very toxic and destructive person, but I can’t be sure and know it doesn’t really matter anyway. I come to this website whenever I want to contact him and it really helps. I know NC is best, otherwise I will just keep getting rejected and hurt. I have a lot of u answered questions about why this all happened but maybe I will never know. I am trying to focus on me, my kids, and our future and not keep going back to thoughts about him and trying to figure it out. I wish this wasn’t happening but I also know I can’t make him do something he doesn’t want to. Reading everyone else’s strokes helps me be strong, not feel so alone. I wish we could work it out but he doesn’t seem interested and I know I need to accept that bc trying to reach out to him just ends up w me getting rejected and hurt more. I feel like maybe I never really knew him, he is being so mean and not the person I knew and loved. Nc is the way. I need to heal and process this, not keep banging my head against a wall. It is hard not to take it personally but I know I am a good person and the things he said aren’t true. Good luck everyone, stay strong. I am joini g the gym and doing other things suggested on this site. Getting strong and letting this lead to a better me in a better place is my goal. Thanks for listening! Be strong!

  17. SJ June 29, 2013 at 4:22 am #

    Nearly three weeks into nc I was feeling really good today. Then my mom made the mistake of asking my ex when he picked up out daughter if there was any chance and then telling me he said no. It’s like getting rejected all over again, and I didn’t even ask for it. I wish now I had explained nc to others too, I really didn’t need to hear this tonight. Sucky. I went form strong to destroyed and in tears in an instant. I wish she never asked or if not that I wish she never told me. Damn meddlers!

  18. T June 30, 2013 at 6:49 pm #

    Hi SJ, I understand how that must feel. My previous ex kept me strung along and continued to ‘date’ me and whenever I’d ask him about the relationship he said he didn’t think it would work. It was excruciatingly painful each time. And although curiosity would get the best of me now and then the last I discovered was that he is now engaged and soon to be married. You’re doing the right thing with NC. People who only cause you pain don’t deserve to be in your life. Take care of yourself. 🙂

  19. Lindsay July 6, 2013 at 7:21 am #

    My heart is broke. I’ve been with my ex for 2 years. I sacrificed for him and loved him and gave him so much grace. I knew from the beginning there were red flags but I fell in love. I’m 21 and he is my first love. The intimacy emotionally we shared was the closest I’ve ever been to anyone. Around a year and a half we started taking turns breaking up with each other .. One of us was always fighting for freedom at different times. Then it seemed we could never stay in love at the same time… Now it’s really per. He was being dishonest about a relationship with a mutual friend. Even after that because I am so sick mentally with him, I begged for him back even though I didn’t acrew up it was his fault ! I’m relieved its over bevause it was a tiresome relationship but I’m also so sad. I can’t eat and when I do it comes back up. I feel empty, pissed, lonely, hopeless, and extremely fearful of the pain I’m left with. I’m throwing temper tantrums like a 2 year old when I’m all alone because the emotions are so overwhelming. I work with him also I got him a job with me a year ago.. I’ve been able to switch schedule so I only work once a week but its not allowing me to heal. I got him that job so my pride is telling me “no do not let him get out of this with you having to move jobs!” But it doesn’t bother him to see me apparently. We’re also both in Alcoholics Anonymous, something which sucks because I can’t even feel comfortable going to my meetings bc fear of seeing him which is so painful … How do I deal with all these emotions!!? I feel so dumb for even being this sad I’m young I have my whole life ahead of me yet I can’t picture him not there. Help?

    • Lau July 8, 2013 at 5:05 am #

      Lindsay, what you are going through sounds incredibly painful and difficult, it is never easy to lose your first love. It sounds like NC is very very challenging when you are working together, how frustrating! 🙁 Do the AA meetings have different nights that you and he could agree to go to different days? I imagine more than ever you need that support as well as support from friends and family. I have a close friend in AA right now and it is so important to her healing, also while she goes through a breakup.
      It is ok to have tantrums too: I’ll confess the last time my ex broke my heart, I was by myself and I broke a chair in my house, total throw-down rock star hotel broken,… broke a few more things in the weeks to follow, eventually stopped breaking things…felt a bit ashamed but it was a release for sure! The pain your feeling is normal even though it sucks so much!! Lots of deep breaths, cry when you need to, talk to your friends for as long as they will listen, don’t be afraid to ask for help now. What I learned recently is that losing a relationship causes real grief, and anger, sadness all rolled up into one. It will get easier, even though some days it feels like it will never end… Sometimes I think about bad colds and when you are in the middle of being that sick it feels like you will never feel better, but then slowly you get healed and feel robust and strong again. I know this is not the same thing, but you will feel bad for awhile and one day it will not suck as much, and it will get better. Take care of yourself and rely on the good people at work to help you through those times when you have to see him.

  20. JD July 14, 2013 at 6:57 pm #

    Want to begin the 60 day nc but not sure how it works with a young child who has contact time with ex husband 3 evenings and alternate weekends. Haven’t any friends or family near to help with the handover. Ex calls to speak to son at least twice a day and even though I am merely the facilitator of these calls it still hurts to hear him speak. Advice needed please.

  21. Rats July 15, 2013 at 9:25 am #

    Hi Eddie….i’ve been in a reltnship frm 12th sept,2010 to 12th march 2012….my ex was even my best frnd….v used hang around all the time…..v used to talk whole night on phone….or through texting….bt nw things had changed alot…..she left me last year saying her parents won’t ever agree to our relationship…..n she dnt think that it was love b/w us…..it was just a mistake….v were frnds n v take it to wrong side…..the hard part is she was the one who proposed me n nw she dnt even want to hear my voice…..it’s very hard for me to let go bcz our relationship was very very intense….nw i’m on NC 1 n i knw after 60 days it’d b 12th sept again…..3yrs gone…..

    Rats…21yrs

  22. Jeannie July 17, 2013 at 6:43 pm #

    Hi Eddie,
    I came upon your website at a most opportune time. I am in a desperate attempt to get rid of the pain in my heart from a recent breakup (of course).

    My bf and I are neighbours (he’s at 2C and I’m at 4D) so NC is going to be a challange, but I sent him the email respectfully asking him to not contact me so I can have the time I need to heal.

    We dated for just over a year, had a wonderful trip to the Dominican in March and then, almost as if he was looking for an excuse to argue so he could end it – completely shut me out – I mean drove right by me without even waving. Ouch. That really hurt.

    I packed up his crap and left it on his dining room table (I still have a key – not sure how to get mine back without contact).

    I was reading another users comments about having some good negative thoughts to run to whenever I miss him or think about him. I know in my heart that I am better off without him and that my happiness and worthiness is not dependant on what someone else thinks of me (or doesn’t).

    I am only on day two of NC. We broke up before Canada Day and I made up some excuse to go see him last Sunday just so I could see if he still missed me and see if we could be friends. That was a bad idea. I felt used and small and stupid.

    I’m taking my power back – and my life.

    Thank you for your exceptionally valuable website at a time when I REALLY need the help.

    God bless the broken hearted. May we find Peace and the courage to love again.

    • Blue July 17, 2013 at 10:22 pm #

      Hi Jeannie,

      Sounds like you are Canadian. So am I! I’m in day 48 of nc and some of the rawness and emotion over my breakup has dulled a bit but it took about six weeks to make any noticeable progress. I’m a middle-aged guy who got dumped by my girlfriend of 15 months. It happened somewhat suddenly. Despite the fact the relationship was relatively short, this breakup has hurt me more than any other, especially since she was my best friend. Unlike many others here (thankfully), this breakup was not angry or hurtful. There was no deceit or bad behaviour. One big problem was when I pressed my girlfriend for reasons for her decision, all she could initially say was “it’s not you, it’s me.” That can be incredibly difficult because we always look for reasons. Within the first week of our breakup, I was able to pull a little more info out of her via a series of emails and that helped a little bit. Still, I can’t help but think we had so many more positives between us than negatives. I’m still left scratching my head. I started no contact exactly one week after our breakup.

      You may find your progress is more measurable on a weekly basis than a daily one. Things that have helped me so far are interacting and conversing with friends, journaling, writing a daily list of all the good things about my day, reading self-help books, and trying to stay active either with a hobby or with activities out of the home. The first few weeks were very challenging. I wrote letters to my ex (which I did not send), had imaginary conversations with her, and I cried a lot. I think the crying was therapeutic. My work benefits permit me to see a family counsellor for a few sessions and that is helping too. This website has also given me strength. Pouring yourself into your work may also help in the short term though everyone says balance is your life is essential.

      As it stands, I think I’m being as proactive as possible but I also know that time must run its course. The healing cannot be rushed. I’m still incredibly discouraged and sad at times. I want to get better by tomorrow but it just doesn’t work that way.

      Anyway, I hope you find my rambling at least a little bit helpful. Good luck and keep us posted.

  23. HH July 23, 2013 at 5:50 pm #

    Hello
    I am new to here. 5 days ago my boyfriend told me that he wants to stop the relationship, because he thinks we are different. We have been dating for 10 months already. Our relationship has never been a calm one: always quarrels. But we could always end up being together because we love each other. He has always been so patient to me. I don’t know what to do. Until yesterday I was begging him not to leave me, but yesterday I found this website and I started to read and watch the videos and stopped stalking him. I can’t believe that it is over. He doesn’t believe it either, because he called me today though he was very cold. I can’t start No Contact now, I feel that I need some more weeks for that. Do you think if I don’t do anything he will come back to me , because I really don’t want to stop this relationship, even though we are different people? I am sure I can change myself and become what he wants to see, if that can save the relationship.
    What can you advice me? I am in a desperate situation.

  24. Lauren August 1, 2013 at 4:53 pm #

    Today is day 7 of NC. So far for me the worst part of all of this have been the mornings. He’s the first thing I think about when I wake up-even before I open my eyes. It’s been so difficult not to let that initial pain not set a course for the tone of my day. I want to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind him out of my head. I’ve been reading a lot of self help books on learning to let go and move on, and how to survive a break up, but I just feel so hopeless and stuck. As much as I don’t want to love him and miss him anymore, I can’t seem to let it go. I’m not living each day right now, I’m surviving each day. And that sucks. I really hope that it will feel better soon. I miss being happy.

  25. Arun Kumar August 5, 2013 at 11:49 am #

    Dear Lauren,

    You are not alone. The same thing is happening with me. I am on day 4 of NC today, 1 month after breakup. At night I think of her I wonder is she sleeping or awake. I even don’t remember the day when I laughed with my heart. I just laugh for my parents and relatives to show them I am happy but the feeling inside me is very painful. I just want to forget her.

    May God Bless all of us and Eddie our guru.

  26. Sue August 5, 2013 at 10:27 pm #

    Dear Eddie,

    I was on day 14 of NC and sent the recommended letter to ask that there be no contact. Just the basic template that was provided. He sent a very nice response pretty much wishing me luck, love and happiness. He has clearly moved on. I am soooo depressed and just hurting all over again. Like day one. It will be 2 months since he left and I am no better for it. I’ve followed the rules, I’ve done the work but I can’t stand this feeling anymore.

    This is too long to feel this way. I feel like I’ve made no progress. Please help..

    • Blue August 6, 2013 at 12:37 am #

      Sue, I strongly recommend a book called The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Perhaps you already know of it. If you have not read it, please get a copy asap. Combined with Eddie’s teachings and some other things I have done, it has made a big difference for me.

      • Sue August 6, 2013 at 12:49 am #

        Thanks so much for the recommendation Blue. I do know this author as I have his first book. I will take your advice. I am also starting meditation with Deepak Chopra. I need all the help I can get. Eddie’s teachings are always a plus. You hang in there as well. It’s been very helpful to support one another on this website. Stay in peace.

        • Blue August 6, 2013 at 12:56 am #

          Thank you Sue. Day 68 for me and I was really struggling for all I was worth until about the six-week mark. That was a bit of a turning point. I’ve also been trying to stay super busy with activities and not mope around my apartment too much where I tended to over-think things. I’ve been reading a lot of self-help material, crying when I need a release, taking long walks, and distracting myself with personal hobbies and/or passions. Give yourself until that six-week mark of strict nc and see if that doesn’t serve as a turning point for you.

  27. Ely August 8, 2013 at 4:34 pm #

    Hello,

    My name is Ely. I dated this guy , Bert, that lives an hour away from me. I have known him for 3 years. He has always been my best friend, someone I can go to for almost ANYTHING. He is a year older than me, so in my first year of college,
    I went through a really rough breakup where I was cheated on. Of course, here came Bert to the rescue and was my shoulder to cry on.
    Since that day, everything was going great and we finally decided to become a one day, I noticed that he would always talk to some girl on all his social networks.
    I didn’t see anything of it because I’ve always been one to give my partner space, you know, his does have a life as well.
    But it wouldn’t stop, he was starting to push me to the side for “school” but I noticed he would always talk to her when he would say “he was busy”.
    Until one day, she added me on almost every social network I had, and she ended up tweeting how she was going to find someone else they way (whoever she was talking about) had someone.
    This was literally 5 min after she added me.
    What I’m thinking is that she saw all my pictures and stuff with Bert, and so I finally I out my foot down and asked him and her what was going on,
    Turns out it was one of his ex’s but that they were only friends. I forgave him, but ever since that, my trust for him was slowly decreasing. He would always talk to all these girls, which of course I didn’t know because we didn’t live in the same town. He always claimed were his “friends”.
    Bert always just said that it was my jealousy and that I need to just “chill”. that he wasn’t doing anything wrong. He would continue with the messaging and always liking their pictures on facebook or instagram, but he would never like mine. Much less post a picture of us together.

    Finally, my uncle came into the office that I am an intern for, and asked to speak to me.
    He asked me if I still dated Bert. The weird thing about it was that my parents were the only people who have met and knew about Bert. So I answered him yes and asked why?
    Turns out Bert was messing with his niece through his wife side. That niece lives in the same town Bert lives in. So, I called him to ask him about it and he just went off on me, saying how I never believe him and that she is his cousin. I finally couldn’t bite my tongue anymore and I let everything out. He ended up dumping me for being to “insecure’ and “jealous”.
    Within the second day of the breakup he was already messaging girls, liking their pictures and so on. I even came upon a picture that a girl had with Bert, where she was sitting on his lap. This even took place when we were still dating.

    I am on barely on day 4 of NC, and already Bert has thrown the whole “I’m sorry” text on me bust said he wasn’t trying to get me back. He was going to graduate from LVN school and asked it I still wanted to attend because his parents didn’t know what was going on and that “they” were expecting me there.
    I didn’t want to reply. I am so mentally and emotionally hurt that I didn’t think it was fair for only that “sorry” for everything he has done. I admit I did feel like I was on top of the world because he messaged me and kept calling me. I had been doing so good, I was being very active, going to the gym, hanging with friends, even becoming closer to my family( at the fact that I had pushed them to the side because of all the stress with Bert).

    But The next day, I felt completely different. I felt sad. There’s times where I want to give in and just talk to him. I even came across the idea of going to the graduation, But I cant give in! I know this is my first week of NC, but I feel like breaking the seal.. What do I do?

    HELP!

  28. Mark D August 16, 2013 at 5:06 pm #

    I cannot tell you the hell I am going through with a breakup with a girl. Actually we have broken up 15 times in the last 2 years. Shes has been back and forth with me and another guy she knows from her workplace. Just recently, she told me we are done, and admitted shes been talking with him, seeing him, and now getting engaged to him. I’ve lost my job because I cannot focus, cry all day, constantly call her crying trying to get her back again.
    All my friends and family tell me to let it go. I can’t. I’m either going to get in trouble with the law, or hurt myself. I try and date other girls but can’t stop thinking about “her”
    She has done many things that have hurt me, and I have done the same. She even threw me out of her house last Xmas day but we still have gotten back together 10 times back and forth after that. We had great sex, etc. Did many things together
    I am just severly depressed Dont know what to do with myself
    need help

  29. Rick August 21, 2013 at 9:48 am #

    Hi all
    Was on day 40 with no contact when I get a text asking for a receipt of an iPad gift I gave her as it no longer works. The text was purely that she needed it. No how are you or anything and kind of business like. My response matched the tone although I did say nice to hear from you. Anyway her request was fullifilled without fanfare with a simple thank you from her at the end. My question is do I now restart the nc count or continue as the contact was for specific and not emotional
    Hmmm.

    • Sue August 21, 2013 at 4:16 pm #

      Hi Rick

      I’ve asked myself those same questions as I am still married and we must be in contact for business. There is a post here where Eddie talks about business contact and how it relates to our NC but I can’t remember how to treat it. Sometimes NC cannot be avoided.

      What I’ve done is keep the contact strictly business and count it as NC. Congratulations on day 40. I am only on day 13 but I am getting stronger day by day. My ex texted me for school transcripts that he needed. I did not respond. Not trying to be mean I just know if he is resourceful he will figure it out. Because he left me I have no desire to help him with anything. This way I feel no obligation to respond. What would he do if I was dead? Hope this helps. Stay strong.

  30. tb September 10, 2013 at 9:47 am #

    hello well i was with my ex for over 5 years she left a year but we have a daughter together and honestly spent a lot of time together going out dinners movies taking my daughter places even though she stop living with me this year kinda felt like we were still together and i spent the whole year begging pleading begging some more for her to give me another chance which she says stressed her out so i left town to be closer to my family for a while 3 months really hoping the space and time would bring her back to me and i thought it was wworking she would tell me she missed me and was thinking about me but still didnt see us working but i wasnt ready to give up she told me a week ago she has met someone so i spent the week begging for another chance and told her i will always fight for us today after more begging she says there is no chance for us and i finally have to throw in the white flag i know i have to give her up i gotta let go for me for my daughter for her this is so hard and dont know how im gonna do it she was everything to me and this hurts

    The the a feel the most is fear honestly im so scared and of everything like how can i live with out her who would love me now im scared of being alone scared of being replaced scared to let go right now its hard to see anything good for my future and im a god fearing man leaning on my faith but its still hard

    Im a single father of a 7 yr from a earlier relationship and its being really hard being the type of father i should have being to her this past year because of this broken heart i have not all there mentally for her this break up comsumes my thought all day i get no escape from it

    I ran across the site tonight and gonna try the nc i do have a child with the ex so there will be some contact but i am gonna make it as limited as i can i have been up reading peoples comments and they have made me fee; better there are a lot of broken hearts out there if all of you feel the pain i do right now than my heart goes out to yoiu my concern is that i read a lot of post that were on day 40 and further alnoe but was still in pain that worries me but i need to change something up so i will give it a try

  31. Sandra Lavini October 18, 2013 at 5:27 pm #

    My friends: I was on this site constantly back in 2012, and it was a lifesaver. My thanks to Eddie and to everyone here for their support during my recovery. I have recovered. I can’t say I’m 100% where I want to be, but I have a fun life. I’m 56. This is possible at any age. Unfortunately, one of my dear friends who was separated from my ex’s brother committed suicide last month. So sad, and the last thing to do, particularly when people leave you voluntarily. My ex’s brother is probably clicking his heels–no alimony, no division of assets . . .he’s free to move on with his new woman. You may protest that “he’s probably haunted.” I assure you: he’s not. He’s singing and dancing in his band. Another nice person.

    One of the things that I find particularly revolting is when people are close to walking down the aisle, have plans made for a wedding and a life together, and someone pulls out of the deal. I’m not saying people have to marry people they don’t want to marry, but for Pete’s sake, can’t they figure this out sooner–before they leave someone on the ground? Well, here’s a great story of a woman who turned jilted into gold:

    http://now.msn.com/michelle-marxen-jilted-bride-donates-wedding-reception-for-disabled-groups-halloween-party

    Now that’s “amore!!”

    I send my love and support to all of you here. Things will get better. Things pass. With a little elbow grease, they pass sooner. Good luck. Be good to yourself during this period of time.

  32. Venks December 1, 2013 at 6:49 pm #

    THANKS A LOT EDDIE! 🙂

    Am in 30th day of my initial 60 days NC and trust me guys, It has been amazing to follow NC.

    The first week was terrible. The urge to call him was killing. I woke up from sleep, to call him. To hear him. To hear that voice which had held me like magic for years. BUT, Eddie’s posts kept me motivated to hold on to NC. My ex tried reaching me on phone. But I didn’t pick. I shivered the first time when I saw his call. I just didn’t pick. I was more composed in rejecting the call second time, without picking it.
    After that the next 3 weeks have been more and more revealing and relaxing. I am not completely out of my ex’ thoughts. I would say am 95% out of the hangover. But, I am feeling much much better now, than a month back!

    Some of the things I did during the NC time
    1. Read posts and comments in this website and some others, but not get depressed or discouraged because of the negativity.
    2. Start writing all the emotions in a blog. Also, started keeping an online journal.
    3. Prepared a list, with thoughts that came about my ex, how would I rate it on a scale of 0 to 100, what I did to handle that emotion, my rating post handling the emotion.. Initially, my self-rating was 90 to 100 on some days.. But as days passed, I was less emotional and eventually I stopped rating, because my emotions seem to have vanished after following NC rule.
    4. Mindless distraction. Cleaning stuff which I had left uncleaned at home for long, helping mom with cooking, walking down the road and observing things I had missed earlier etc
    5. READING. Started my book reading habit again. Finished two books, fiction and non-fiction. Trust me, reading is such a relief!
    6. Talking to friends who can understand and try to give other perspectives.
    7. Eating healthy, avoid binge eating/ drinking
    8. Partying in moderation with friends! 🙂

    So, I am doing much better than a month back. Thanks to Eddie and fellow folks here who gave some good insight into breakup management.

    All the best folks! Life’s exciting ahead! Don’t waste time on past people in life! They’re not with us for a reason 🙂

    • Sue December 1, 2013 at 10:17 pm #

      Haven’t posted for quite some time now. I was well into 90 days of NC. My only fault was the holiday and contacting my ex for email addresses and phone numbers of his family members for xmas. Well that went over like a lead balloon. I wasn’t expecting a call or a detailed text message. What I got was totally unexpected. “your gifts won’t be necessary!”. That’s it! That lit a fire under my ass and I started called and texting! I got no response which was good but I totally lost it. What gives him the right?

      The good news is it was a great reminder that this chapter is done, family and all. I guess we all have set backs from time to time and the only advice I have is to learn from the mistake, because it really is a mistake. Jane is so right about how God is in charge. Happy holidays to everyone and be strong, These milestones can be devastating but they pass as quickly as they come if we continue to remain positive.

  33. Connie January 16, 2014 at 11:57 pm #

    I been broken apart and I feel like I will never get over the trauma my ex caused me. First, he starts treating me different avoiding me and finally when I confronted him he told me he was tired of me and needed a break I got so angry and he pushed me out of his house. Then a week goes by he doesnt contact me and im the one who is the one calling me, texting him. Then he contacts me on 12/25 to let me know he was leaving town and should be back by the new years but he crashed his car which was the last I heard he doesnt contact me until 12/31 to tell me hes been living in the streets witn no $ or a way to come back. I pick him up and he convience me to get him a rental car for 1 day. He avoids me after and i begged him to turn in the rental he turns off his phone and I find out by his credit card activity he was in Vegas, I start stressing 5 days later he still hasnt return the car or havent received a call I finally decide to file a report (stolen ) for leaving without permission. On his way back home he had an accident I pick him up and he tells me he was in Vegas with another women which I know I was so upset about the problems i have to deal. He finds out I file a police report and he threaten to hurt me and my family if i dont cancel the report. The next day he calls me crying begging to take him back and i stand firm with NO. Then the next day I sneaked into his place and I find him in bed with the same women he left to Vegas, he has nothing else to tell me but he dont want me. I am devastated I been for this guy for 8 yrs he has been in and out of jail and I been supporting him, I bought him his first car so he could get to his job, he had cheated in the past in 09 we were engage and cheated and left me for another women I took him back and now he pays me with this. I dont know what to do i changed my number but i feel like i will never recover.

  34. chris March 17, 2014 at 9:21 pm #

    Thanks for everyone who put their personal life out there for complete strangers! I had a complete blow up around 6 months ago and my ex and I never talked or communicated. One random night I reached out totally expected a FU and it was just the opposite. We got close, after a couple weeks of fun and buying her things she kicked me to the curb. I feel completely used and maybe she planned the whole thing but for some reason I cant stop thinking about her and want to still make it work. I am a very smart person and realize what happened so how can I miss her and want her back!!? 🙁

  35. Kate September 16, 2014 at 9:00 pm #

    Thank you for this resource Eddie! Reading these threads is so helpful in feeling normal about what I’m experiencing. My ex broke up with me after 10.5 years together. We lived together for 6 of them, and he was my first love and only partner. He saw me through some really difficult times in my life and we were very close friends. It all unraveled in about a month which totally blindsided me. After taking a solo vacation to visit a friend he came back wanting to take a break because he wanted to try being single. We went back and forth for about a month during which he treated me awfully, in a way he never had before, and when I pushed him for more details about the proposed break he dumped me. I had to move out and disentangle my life from him.

    I am 5 weeks into the breakup and on day 9 of no contact. We had kind of agreed to talk after about 3 months, but I think this is off the table now. I am extremely hurt but don’t want to become bitter toward him. I am not putting him on a pedestal because I recognize his flaws, and I did not deserve to be treated the way he did at the end. However, he is a good and kind person and I want him to be happy down the road. I guess my fear is that I have to either become very angry to get past this, or that I will live with a low level of pain underscoring my daily life for a very long time. I blocked all social media contact, but I also keep comparing my “recovery” activities with what I imagine his to be and it is so painful. I feel like I’m not healing fast enough.

    I know time will do the trick, but I plan to use these tips to try to stop thinking about him so much. I need to focus on myself now, not how he is doing or daydreaming that he will realize his mistake. Anyway, hugs to everyone out there feeling the same pain.

  36. Donna February 10, 2015 at 6:01 pm #

    I wish I would of found this site 7 years ago when I was going through my break-up. I found this site by accident trying to help a friend. Even though it’s been so long I’m getting so much out of these articles. It’s like I’m becoming a whole new person again. Thanks Eddie

    • Eddie Corbano February 11, 2015 at 3:22 pm #

      You are welcome, thanks for your kind words! 🙂

  37. Ann August 28, 2015 at 5:10 am #

    We were only together 5 weeks. We’re an older couple. He was so quick to commit, and we had such dreams for the future. He had a traumatic childhood. He really opened up to me, gave me codes for computer, his phone. He offered me a key after 2 weeks.
    He over reacted to a comment, we had a big argument. He thrashed me. I apologized, to no avail. He said he didn’t want to break up, but I believe he did. He dropped me off, said he’d call next day after we slept on it and go to brunch.
    2 days later he text, hi, how are you? I know about the NC rule. This happened before and he was so upset he said he had to cool down. I responded a day later, ” It’s disappointed I didn’t get a call about brunch.” It’s been 11 days since I saw him. I know he’s stubborn, but it seemed that I didn’t make him happy. We promised we wouldn’t break up over something small. We really wanted it to work.
    If we only dated five weeks, does the NC rule prevail? I love him, but I think he has too many issues.he can’t get over things. I’m baffled. Thx…

  38. Rita October 25, 2015 at 11:02 am #

    Hi. I am having trouble getting over my ex. I am on day 30 of NC but probably since I didnt get closer, it is very difficult. We dated for 2 years but he kept me a secret.Most of our relationship was long distance but we were very closer nevertheless. Two weeks after my father passed away I found out he was still with his ex and I was just a mistress. He denies this and tells me he loves me but her facebook says otherwise. I even think they are living together. I dont know when he is saying the truth and thats making it very difficult to move on. I dont know if I misunderstood the situation and made a mistake. I have blocked both of them on fb but I am constantly tempted to check up. I am confused, lost and miserable.

  39. John April 4, 2016 at 5:17 pm #

    so i broke up with my what is now my ex because i was on facebook one day and saw that she was acting as if she was with this one new guy( that’s butt ugly lol) but i asked her whats ging on and she said its no big deal then alot of things happened after that and I ended up breaking up with her because it was a lot of lies that were coming onto me. now ive been missing her alot and i was on fb and she like a picture i posted a while back? I dont know if she still has feelings for me or what? help

  40. al May 2, 2016 at 3:58 pm #

    Hi ,
    I’m in long distances marriage we live in different country , last year I meet this lady whom I didn’t want fall in love with her in the beginning and it was more like casual realition , however we fall in love with each others and things get deeper and she asked me to marry her and I always tried to run a way from replying back to her for 2 reason first I hardly trusted her behaviour and always knew she is hiding something from me 2nd I didn’t want leave my marriage of many years for her even I love d her . Anyway I introduced her to my best friend and she used to talk to him a lot when we meet I told her that I don’t like that and we fight many time about it how ever I went for short trip outside the country and when I get back I felt there is something wrong is happening between her and my best friend so I followed her one time and saw her meeting with him and I want crazy started to shaut at them and called them with names and my friend run a way with his car . Later on they tried to convinced me that she was feeling bad after our fight and she called him to meet and wanted to know why I refused to marry her and that was the only time they talked together later on same day I want to talk to him why he did that to me he said the same words, I asked him to show me his phone and he did and I found message from her saying to him that I just called her and if I left him , I couldn’t believe both of them and I asked them to show me their phone bills and the number they have been calling for the last 48 hours they rejected my request and it has been 2 weeks no with NC and both r blooming me in their fb , it hurts me so much every time I think about them. What shall I do to start feel better again I already go to gym almost everyday I get a new house but still can’t stop thinking of what happened from the ppl I loved

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