Break Up and Divorce No Contact Help: Ways To Stop Thinking Of Your Ex

No Contact Help: Ways To Stop Thinking Of Your Ex

Photo by Shifteye

As you might very well know by now, following the “No Contact Rule” is one of the most challenging things you'll ever do.

During No-Contact, you have to try shielding yourself from all the thoughts and feelings that are flooding you.

To stop thinking of your Ex, day in day out, seems to be the biggest challenge of it all.

But it is one of the essential premises in breakup recovery because once you stop allowing them to dominate your mind, you subconsciously set a signal within yourself – like a beacon – that you finally WANT to get over them.

And once you manage that, you've made an important step forward in your journey.

In my coaching, I use a proven technique based on cognitive behavior to train yourself to not think of your Ex.

But are there other methods to control your negative thought patterns in such a way that they don't harm you anymore?

Psychologist Jeremy Dean from PsyBlog – a blog about scientific research into how the mind works – lists eight more methods to defeat persistent, unwanted thoughts.

Among them are things like “Focused Distraction,” which I think is an excellent, “common sense” way to deal with unwanted thoughts – whenever your Ex comes to mind, concentrate on a specific piece of music, task, etc.

What I think is the best-presented method in that article – and which I also use in my coaching – is “Self-Affirmation.”

Still thinking about your Ex? Click here to take the test to learn how long it takes to heal... and how you can speed up the process.

You practice this by replacing a negative “Ex-Thought” with a predefined self-affirmation.

One that works perfectly is:

“I love myself abundantly and unconditionally.”

or

“I let go of people who do not have my best interests at heart .”

This works in two ways:

  1. with a little practice, you can condition yourself to stop this negative thought process
  2. work on your self-love and self-worth.

Two birds with one stone.

One suggested way that doesn't fit into breakup recovery too well is “Paradoxical Therapy,” where instead of repetitive thoughts, you concentrate on them.

This can do more harm in your recovery than good, particularly in the very beginning of your break-up or divorce.

So you will have to try different methods to learn what best works for you.

Whatever it is, start right NOW.

And remember – baby steps and one day at a time.

You can read the article about eight ways to defeat persistent unwanted thoughts here.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

  • Want to begin the 60 day nc but not sure how it works with a young child who has contact time with ex husband 3 evenings and alternate weekends. Haven’t any friends or family near to help with the handover. Ex calls to speak to son at least twice a day and even though I am merely the facilitator of these calls it still hurts to hear him speak. Advice needed please.

  • My heart is broke. I’ve been with my ex for 2 years. I sacrificed for him and loved him and gave him so much grace. I knew from the beginning there were red flags but I fell in love. I’m 21 and he is my first love. The intimacy emotionally we shared was the closest I’ve ever been to anyone. Around a year and a half we started taking turns breaking up with each other .. One of us was always fighting for freedom at different times. Then it seemed we could never stay in love at the same time… Now it’s really per. He was being dishonest about a relationship with a mutual friend. Even after that because I am so sick mentally with him, I begged for him back even though I didn’t acrew up it was his fault ! I’m relieved its over bevause it was a tiresome relationship but I’m also so sad. I can’t eat and when I do it comes back up. I feel empty, pissed, lonely, hopeless, and extremely fearful of the pain I’m left with. I’m throwing temper tantrums like a 2 year old when I’m all alone because the emotions are so overwhelming. I work with him also I got him a job with me a year ago.. I’ve been able to switch schedule so I only work once a week but its not allowing me to heal. I got him that job so my pride is telling me “no do not let him get out of this with you having to move jobs!” But it doesn’t bother him to see me apparently. We’re also both in Alcoholics Anonymous, something which sucks because I can’t even feel comfortable going to my meetings bc fear of seeing him which is so painful … How do I deal with all these emotions!!? I feel so dumb for even being this sad I’m young I have my whole life ahead of me yet I can’t picture him not there. Help?

    • Lindsay, what you are going through sounds incredibly painful and difficult, it is never easy to lose your first love. It sounds like NC is very very challenging when you are working together, how frustrating! 🙁 Do the AA meetings have different nights that you and he could agree to go to different days? I imagine more than ever you need that support as well as support from friends and family. I have a close friend in AA right now and it is so important to her healing, also while she goes through a breakup.
      It is ok to have tantrums too: I’ll confess the last time my ex broke my heart, I was by myself and I broke a chair in my house, total throw-down rock star hotel broken,… broke a few more things in the weeks to follow, eventually stopped breaking things…felt a bit ashamed but it was a release for sure! The pain your feeling is normal even though it sucks so much!! Lots of deep breaths, cry when you need to, talk to your friends for as long as they will listen, don’t be afraid to ask for help now. What I learned recently is that losing a relationship causes real grief, and anger, sadness all rolled up into one. It will get easier, even though some days it feels like it will never end… Sometimes I think about bad colds and when you are in the middle of being that sick it feels like you will never feel better, but then slowly you get healed and feel robust and strong again. I know this is not the same thing, but you will feel bad for awhile and one day it will not suck as much, and it will get better. Take care of yourself and rely on the good people at work to help you through those times when you have to see him.

  • Hi SJ, I understand how that must feel. My previous ex kept me strung along and continued to ‘date’ me and whenever I’d ask him about the relationship he said he didn’t think it would work. It was excruciatingly painful each time. And although curiosity would get the best of me now and then the last I discovered was that he is now engaged and soon to be married. You’re doing the right thing with NC. People who only cause you pain don’t deserve to be in your life. Take care of yourself. 🙂

  • Nearly three weeks into nc I was feeling really good today. Then my mom made the mistake of asking my ex when he picked up out daughter if there was any chance and then telling me he said no. It’s like getting rejected all over again, and I didn’t even ask for it. I wish now I had explained nc to others too, I really didn’t need to hear this tonight. Sucky. I went form strong to destroyed and in tears in an instant. I wish she never asked or if not that I wish she never told me. Damn meddlers!

  • Day 8 of NC. We broke up 6 weeks ago after 3 years of being together. We have a child together so nc is hard but beyond talking about her I know I need to do this. We had been struggling for almost a year, I knew something wasn’t right but hoped it would pass. We got in a minor Arguement and that blew up into him calling me terrible names in front of our daughter. I asked him to leave, cool down. He took that as me kicking him out and really he hasn’t even tried to work on anything, seems to just want to walk away. I am in shock. I thought we would be together forever, I can’t believe he is not even wanting to try and fix things. He’s been very cruel since we split, would be mean every time I tried to talk about the relationship. I found this website and realized nc is the way to go, even if it is hard. At least I don’t keep getti g hurt over and over by more cruel words and blame. He seems to think I never loved him, used him, lied to him, etc. he is very jealous of a friend I dated briefly before we got together and he accused me of having an affair, which I didn’t. But he won’t listen, just blames me, seems to want it to be all my fault even though he is the one walking away wo even trying while I am willing to do counseling, try. I think he may be seeing someone new, a mutual acquaintance who is a very toxic and destructive person, but I can’t be sure and know it doesn’t really matter anyway. I come to this website whenever I want to contact him and it really helps. I know NC is best, otherwise I will just keep getting rejected and hurt. I have a lot of u answered questions about why this all happened but maybe I will never know. I am trying to focus on me, my kids, and our future and not keep going back to thoughts about him and trying to figure it out. I wish this wasn’t happening but I also know I can’t make him do something he doesn’t want to. Reading everyone else’s strokes helps me be strong, not feel so alone. I wish we could work it out but he doesn’t seem interested and I know I need to accept that bc trying to reach out to him just ends up w me getting rejected and hurt more. I feel like maybe I never really knew him, he is being so mean and not the person I knew and loved. Nc is the way. I need to heal and process this, not keep banging my head against a wall. It is hard not to take it personally but I know I am a good person and the things he said aren’t true. Good luck everyone, stay strong. I am joini g the gym and doing other things suggested on this site. Getting strong and letting this lead to a better me in a better place is my goal. Thanks for listening! Be strong!

  • S. the troubled one. says:

    I’m on day 6 of NC, day 8 of my breakup. We were together during the 4 years spent in college, and he broke up with me on the last day of my senior finals. The past week has been no less than an emotional rollercoaster; I’ve had moments of pure determination and positivity but minutes later I’ll be reminiscing about the past. I’ve really been trying to block out all thoughts of my ex but it’s been such a challenge. Mornings are the worst! For some strange reason, I’ve been dreaming of my ex these past few nights, and I wake up feeling terrible. The panic, anxiety, and loneliness were at an all-time high when I woke up. I’m determined to accept that the relationship is over but I don’t know how to quell the hope that I still harbour… it seems futile. I also don’t know what happens when I reach day 60 of NC. Do I get to contact him then? It seems my motives for NC aren’t fully to get over the relationship but to prove to myself how long I can go without him in my life. Does anyone else feel this way?

    • Tonight ad I checked off day 4 of NC on Eddie’s chart I said to myself only 56 more days to go. But then I thought the same thing, then what? Will I not care as much by then? Will I see more clearly? And decide it really wasn’t meant to be? I personally don’t ever want to talk to my ex, I work with an ex of 6 years in a large company and he’s now getting married and I cried when I found out but would never want to get back with him, I’m just bit attracted to him, but it still hurts. And I know it would still hurt to see or talk to this guy after 60 days or even a year. I am missing him a lot tonight. 🙁 and also find myself wondering if he has tried calling? I’m really beating myself up about blocking him from my phone. 🙁 I am starting to doubt myself a lot even though I did feel a sense of self dignity when I initially started this. 🙁

  • Travis J. says:

    I’m on day 29 of N.C. And I don’t know where I’d be without Eddie and everything he has created for us. I’m a 21 year old college student and dated my ex for 3 years. She was my first love and couldn’t imagine a lifetime without her. I know I was nieve, and just didn’t know how to handle a serious relationship. She ended up leaving me say she wanted to meet new people and ended up just totally changing alot of things about her. Her grades dropped, priorities changed and pretty soon I found myself alone and lost. It has been so hard for me not to talk to her but I know deep inside it’s what’s for the best. I know I couldn’t have spent the rest of my life with this person she is now. My hurt is soooo much less, and the anxiety is manageable now. I hope it only continues I get easier. I have really endulged in bettering myself both physically and mentally. I am constantly at the gym, while reading more and more self improvement books and taking my school studies extremely serious. I know I am going to make this a positive change, and I wont let this beat me. Luckily I have a great surrounding with friends and family that are always there for me. So I cling to them and try to cherish every minute I have with them. I hate not having that certain someone, because I consider myself someone who loves being in a relationship. But all I can do is hope that someone else is ou there waiting, and someone that will love me for me. Thank you for everyone that has posted on here, this has been such a positive influential factor on my recovery and I am forever grateful.

    It does get better!!!! Stay strong and carry on:)

  • Hi Eddie,

    R’ship ended in Jan, was a 6 month r’ship, my first ever. Basically things went really sour on holiday and ended up being incredibly stressful and traumatizing. I cut myself off with nc when she said she didnt want anything anymore, but the pain just kills me, itd be about day 150 now, so the days havent really meant all that much. Have done the cocasional fb stalk but i cant see anything due to her privacy settings. Technically this should mean i restart from 0 but I dont feel that way. I still am really emotional and am having thoughts about contacting her once again to try and get some sort of closure, as i know had she wanted me back she would have contacted me, but im struggling just getting on with my life. The pains come back badly lately feels like a relapse. I want to make this choice to flick her out of my head but it just doesnt happen for me.

  • I am on day 15 of NC but i still cry a lot.I had been dating this guy for about 6 months and we seemed so compatible to each other and enjoyed each others company a lot. but on may 30th , i came to know that he has already got enganged to someone else, but he didnt tell me a word about it. When a got to know, i got so furious. i called up his fiance and told her everything about us. What hurt me most is that guy denied everything between us and said that we are good friends. He even denied proposing me. From that day, i broke off all contact with him. But i am also very stupid. And somewhere down the line, i thought that he would say sorry to me. But then yesterday i discovered that he has blocked me from facebook, gmail and even on our office communicator. I felt so bad. I should have blocked him when i got the chance. Instaed i had hope that he would apologize to me. Tomorrow is my birthday and all i can think of are the plans we had made for the day.

    I hate him and want to forget him….but day 60 seems still a long way to go.

    • Hi Sheha, I wanted to wish you a happy birthday!! 🙂 I am so familiar with having my birthday ruined two years in a row and actually my boyfriend forgot it this last year on thanksgiving and cooked for his whole family and didn’t invite me or call all day long. Other holidays too. I think as women or just caring people these days are meaningful and create good memories that last and we can reflect on. The fact that he did this to you breaks my heart. I hope you had a wonderful day despite of it. I managed to make myself smile on those days he wasn’t there and really take in family and friends who were there on those special occasion and they will have a special place in my heart. I recently listened to the audio on one of Eddie’s articles, a message from the future you and it gave me so much strength. we are so worthy and deserving of beautiful things and surrounding ourselves with loved ones. 🙂 take tender-loving care of yourself.

      • Hi Tina,

        Thanks a lot for the wishes. I am 24 and this was my first serious relationship. So i am very heart broken. I know i deserve a lot better. But i loved him so much and it just pains to know how he denied everything in the first place and then broke off all contact with me to make me feel like i am the one who pushed him into this relationship. I am wrecked right now. he is in the same office as me, but thank god sits on a different floor.
        And hang on there as eddie says. Please dont break the NC rule. Talk to people u love whenever u feel lonely. I am there too.
        well u know what, initially i hadnot blocked him from my phone or facebook. i used to worry about what if he calls. Then i unblocked him but still didnt receive his calls. Finally i learnt that he has only blocked me..so dont try thinking and over- analysing. What they did to us was wrong. And they deserve better people.

    • i am alonek says:

      Hi Sneha

      I read your story.its really pathetic. follow the NC rules. you will feel better. i am also following this NC rule.
      My bf left me after 7yrs of our relationship. he promised me that he will marry me. i gave him everything , i sacrifice my all wishes for him. i was always with him in his any situation. but when i was in bad situation he just left me. this year my father died and my family had to pass many difficulties. the person whom i needed most left me alone.i cried and i could not eat. then i came to this site and i read the articles . now i am following the NC rules.

      my suggestion for you is to try to control your emotion. never contact with your ex. he lied to you so he can not b a good person for you. you deserve better person than him.

      Best of luck

  • Hi, I have been in a roller coaster relationship for almost 2 years, about ever 1-2 months he pushes me away and ignores me for days or weeks but always comes back around and is sorry. I forgive him and understand he’s got a lot on his plate with his family. But recently he ruined my birthday and his birthday and a holiday or two that has left me devastated. And things have only gotten worse. He begged me back last time and said he wanted to marry me and it was hard but I believed him and then something happened with his family on a night we had plans and he stood me up with no explanation I got upset and he then told me the reason and hung up on me. He has ignored me for 3 days and I tried contacting him today to talk about it like mature adults. He couldn’t even call and texted ‘a break is needed’ and he would call me after his family member passes, if I found someone else he would understand. I said no way and ended it right there. I blocked his calls got rid of his items and am determined this time to stick to my decision to get away from this. I want a loving and nurturing relationship and have had them before, this is the first ‘drama relationship’ I’ve ever been in so it took me a while to catch on that its toxic and things will not get better if we were married. I am starting my first NC day tomorrow, since we broke up today. Eddie, can you please send me day 1 again, the site won’t take my email a second time, being that I signed up before a few months ago. 🙁 thank you, I am looking forward to feeling good again and loving life like its intended.

  • Good morning to you Steph… you know, when I was a much younger man, there was a time when I believed I had endured more hardships than most others. I had pretty much lived a happy and charmed life as a youngster and enjoyed most of what life had to offer well into my 20s. Then a few things went off kilter, I caught some tough breaks and began to go through some difficult times. I was felling pretty sorry for myself. Looking back, I just didn’t know any better.

    Eventually I learned an important lesson. Just about everybody has walked down a hard tough road, some people for most of their lives and others in stretches breaking up the good times. I read your story and it reaffirms this lesson. Sometimes it takes more courage for some people to get out of bed and face the day than it does for someone else to perform a typically heroic deed. You, my friend, are an example of this and my hat is off to you.

    I’m intrigued by some of the things we have in common. I lost my father to a brain tumour in 1988. I know how difficult it is to see a loved one battle with all their might against such a terrible affliction. Losing my father was difficult. I can’t imagine how I would have felt if it was my wife.

    I’ve been through three marriages and three divorces. I’m no playboy and have had nothing but honourable intentions in all my relationships. Unfortunately, that hasn’t been enough. I’ve been through bankruptcies, fires, unexpected career changes, I’ve endured emotional and verbal abuse, depression, and had one partner leave me for another man. I’ve paid alimony and child support, lost investments and been financially ruined over and over. I’ve watched my daughter disown her own mother after enduring the same abuse I did when we were together. Lots of disappointment, lots of tears and crushing disappointment. And if there is one thing I am happy to say is I have somehow found a way to keep dusting myself off and hoping for the future. And smiling. I believe in the power of the smile because you never know what the other person is dealing with.

    But I have to admit it is a challenge to smile at all these days. It helps when you know you are not alone.

    I met my latest lady friend on February 18, 2012. We actually knew each other a little bit years earlier by socializing in the same circles but she was married at the time and busy with three young children. I was also married at the time. But when we got reacquainted at a mutual friend’s birthday party that night, there was an instant connection. And it lead to a wonderful and happy relationship. I would dare say we were madly in love with each other as late as March of this year. And then everything changed and on May 22, our relationship ended when my girlfriend said she wasn’t happy anymore. Now I’m alone again. But like you, I believe I still have much to do in this life. I’m 51 and I feel 21 at times.

    You are so right. One failed relationship can’t break me as a person. I felt wonderful and full of life just a few weeks ago and I really want to recapture that feeling again. But I know it starts at home. I have to be happy with myself, for my sake and my daughter’s sake. The rest will take care of itself. At least that is the way I have things figured out for now. This blog and Eddie’s advice sure helps. This is a pivotal time for self-improvement and a fresh start.

    Thanks for sharing your inspiring story, Steph. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    • Hi Blue, I really appreciate your openness. I’m on a day out with my daughters today. The weather is gorgeous and we are going to a concert later. My email is stefw29 @ gmail.com if you ever need to chat. Have a great day and keep your/ chin up and keep that smile of yours going.
      Stef

    • Stef and Bleu GOD BLESS ya both brothers. I feel your pain man! But let me offer you this: When you do THE WORK, the pain goes away that much quicker. cheers

      • Hi Mike, thanks for your support. I just want to say again that the support from this site is truly fantastic.
        Good luck and be strong to everyone.
        Stef

  • Hi Blue
    Thanks mate, much appreciated. Im in Edinburgh, I have no idea where you are but your post is helping me.
    Most of the time Iam coping but when im low I’m really low. I feel desperate. I had a week of texting, emailing and phoning. She ignored me completely. I struggle to. come to terms with the fact that she thinks so little of me at a time of tremendous bereavement.
    Enough about me. How are you? I admire yhe fact that you are holding down the job and looking after the kids. I know you are feeling that your life has fallen apart at the moment but keep in going. Im here anytime you need a chat. This is a great site.
    Thanks Eddie and everyone on here. Stef

    • Hi Stef, I’m near Niagara Falls, Canada. Funny how love and rejection is a universal theme that instantly brings people together from around the world. Yes, when I am low, it is very low and desperation and self-doubt creep into the mix. Fortunately for me (so far), anger has not played a major role. You mention “coming to terms.” That’s what I want as well, and I want it instantly, probably to help relieve the pain and rejection. Except coming to terms with anything so profound always takes time. I don’t know how to compensate between now and then.

      My 18-year-old daughter lives with me full time. The poor kid is going through her own pressures and stress, let alone seeing her father struggling to hold things together. I just can’t completely hide everything from her, nor should I. But I can’t drop all my issues on her either. The pressure is difficult to endure.

      My condolences on your family loss.

      You are right. I’m glad so many of us have a site like this to turn to.

      • Hi Blue, hope your well? I just want to say that you sound a very nice guy. You are doing. the right thing by your daughter and that is great. I will write more later but im pushed for time. I just want you to know that im here in Scotland miles away from you but you have my support. Stick in!

      • Your right Blue, all across the world people are facing the same heartbreak and exactly the same feelings that we are.
        Let me tell you my story.

        20 years ago I was at my friends house, his wife was out with her friends and we just shared a few beers and had a catch up. After midnight my friends wife came home, I was half asleep. I soon woke up though, my friends wife had brought a friend home with her. She was beautiful, I fell for her before I had spoken to her. I told my friend I was going to date her, he laughed. Anyway, not only did I date her but I married her too. We had the most incredible time together, it was a beautiful dream that I was actually living. In 2004, my wife developed speech and word finding issues. She was diagnosed with a brain tumour. A year later she died and my life crumbled too. After the darkest few years possible I began to rejoin the human race. I dated and fun, nothing really serious, just genuine fun and shared good times. Years pass as they tend to do and I was making the best of my life I think. February 2012 I met a girl that blew my mind. We clicked instantly, we shared so much in common and we had the most incredible 16 months or so. I thought this was another shot at a long term relationship for me. We shared all our spare, we enjoyed lots of vacations and weekend breaks. Everything was perfect, there was honestly no
        hint of what was to come. On the first of May my 18 year old nephew died. My family is devestated as you can imagine. We are all lost. My nephew was buried on the 14th of May, on the 21st of May I was dumped.

        At the time I did not have the strength to feel hurt or to fight for her. I felt hurt and let down that she would leave me such an obvious time of pain.

        I feel hurt that I have not had an explanation, I just feel hurt and alone and scared.

        Everything that I believe in and everything that I have read on here should make this breakup easier but it doesn’t. When my back was against the wall, when my family’s and my life were falling apart she just walked away. Why am I upset, I should be glad to get rid of someone who so obvioudly doesn’t have my best interests at heart. I should but I’m not, I love her and I miss her.

        This site has helped me enormously, thanks Eddie. I know I need to keep on going. This girl kids not on my side, that’s so OBVIOUS.

        But still those feelings are there, pain, loneliness, hurt, anger, frustration, stress, isolation. I now see how big a task I have infront of me in putting this relationship behind me. I’m almost into day 6 of NC, for you guys across the pond I’m 25 minutes away from Tuesday.

        This is my story, I know we al have variations of this. I don’t really have anything else to add. We are all dealing with situations and emotions that are raging out of control. We need to work hard to just cope with each day.

        I love and miss my wife dearly, I think of her every day. The world is all the poorer for her passing. However, we CANNOT let one relationship define our life. That would simply be crazy.

        I’m suffering and I’m struggling to get through this break up, but I know somehow I have to. I have so much more to do in this life. One relationship failing can’t break me as a person.

        I share every persons pain on this site, we will all get through this, Eddie will just make it easier and quicker for us to rebuild our lives. Good luck to everyone. Blue your a star, keep on my friend and you will get there. Anytime you need a chat, I’m here. The mighty Atlantic seperates us but we are together in this journey. Love and Peace
        Stef

        • Did your gf really give you no explanation of why she ended the relationship?

    • Stef,

      How are you now?

  • Hi everyone. My gf of 18months dumped me after 18 months. It came completely out the blue, but I’m sure there were signs as Eddie says. Being dumped coincided with a sudden and tragic death in my family, I was dumped less than a week after the funeral. I’m a few hours away from day 3 of NC. I just want to say thank you for such great assistance during a tough time.
    Stef

    • keep charging stef!!! do life dont think about the time, allow yourself the feelings, dont try push them away because then theyll get stronger and in a month compare how you feel now to how you feel in a month. go boy go!

      • Thanks Grick, thanks for your post, it really helps. Im struggling to accept that the person I wanted to spend the redt of my life with is capble of leaving me just as my life is falling apart. That should make it easier for me to move on but it doesn’t.
        Stef

        • Hi Stef… hang in there my friend. Like you, I am struggling to accept the fact that the woman I cared for so deeply decided her life would be better without me than with me. The feelings of rejection are so painful. I’ve lost my lover, my best friend, her family and friends… all of whom I liked and admired. I’m now in day five of no contact and am trying to take care of my day-to-day responsibilities as a father, running a household, and being a productive employee… while looking for another job since my current one is not paying enough to cover my bills. Plus, I don’t really have a close network of my own friends, people I can talk to. I’m in survival mode and my self esteem has taken another hit. My brain knows what I should be doing but my heart is very heavy. My thoughts are with you, as they are with every person in a similar circumstance. Be strong.

  • To write or not to write a farewell letter?

    Hi all,

    I’m almost at Day 60 of No Contact. I’m not over my ex yet but on the whole I’m feeling happier and more independent thanks to your Ex Detox program. He was as honourable as possible and I know that he did not want to hurt me but I was devastated. My last words to him were terribly harsh and judgemental and laid the blame entirely in his court. But in truth we were both architects of the break up. I do not want to try to get back together with him again (and I am in fact going overseas for a working holiday) but I don’t want my last words with him to be harsh either. I would like to write a letter to him as my final contact to say thank you for our 8 years together and farewell. The aim is to end our relationship on a positive note. On the other hand, I don’t want to reconnect.

    What do you think?

    M

    • What about writing the letter followed by another 60 days of no contact? That gives you an opportunity for closure without risking re-opening old wounds.

  • Hi Eddie, I’ve been reading a lot of stuff on your website and recently joined your newsletter mailing list. I’m a 51-year-old male, married and divorced three times. Contrary to the evidence, I am not a philanderer, a casa nova, or a playboy. I’ve never had anything but the best of intentions in my relationships and have tried to treat my partners with respect while communicating openly. Yet I still encounter all sorts of problems and the resulting failures and pain.

    About 15 months ago, I thought I had finally found the right partner, another woman my age. The relationship was terrific; we had much in common and it seemed like we were destined to be together forever. Until last Wednesday that is. We met at a park and she informed me she was not happy and that we could not be together anymore. I can honestly say I am crushed. I knew we had been drifting a bit the past four to six weeks but she has much going on in her life so making the time to discuss matters was difficult. I had hoped we could talk things out but unfortunately, it appears she had started along the breakup path several weeks ago. Now it is too late for us.

    I asked what went wrong and all she could say that night at the park is it wasn’t me, but her. We exchanged emails a couple of days later (I initiated) and she was a little more forthcoming. We had discussed a couple of serious issues just after new year and I was trying to address them but it wasn’t enough. The issues remained prominent enough in her mind that it compromised our relationship. I wish she could have tolerated or forgiven those circumstances but I can’t even say I blame her either.

    Of all the relationships I have had, she was the best. My pain right now seems overwhelming. I am giving myself one full week from the breakup to grieve and to process what happened ( as you suggested if a breakup is fresh and less than a week old). I am replaying all the mental tapes of our relationship in my head. I am crying, feeling sorry for myself, beating myself up and wishing I could turn back time. Then I will apply the 60-day no-contact rule. I have already informed her about it and she will respect my wishes. Fortunately, both of us have handled this maturely and with little or no anger, but it hurts so much.

    I am trying to follow as much of your advice as I can because much of what I have read resonates with me. And I keep re-reading the articles over and over.

    I have to admit I am at a point where I am seriously wondering what is the matter with me. I am also not very confident I will ever find the same caliber partner as my most recent one or that I will use her as a measuring stick for future partners.

    I can only trust that I will be in a better headspace by the end of July when the 60-day period is over. I don’t know if I can ever not have feelings for this lady, and I’m concerned it will affect my approach in any future relationships. I’m not sure how long I will have to wait to get back on track. My feelings of loneliness are powerful right now, and the thought of not having anyone for companionship or intimacy for months and months is discouraging to say the least.

    Eddie, I have faith in your advice but I am having difficulty seeing how I can draw enough strength to make it without beating myself up or all the emotions taking a serious toll on me. I will keep reading, keep hoping and keep praying.

    • Dear Blue,

      I am very sorry for what happened, my heart goes out to you.

      I know exactly what you are talking about, starting the recovery is like looking up to the top of a huge mountain you are about to climb and having no idea at all how to pull that off.

      I can only assure you that it’s possible and that you have to take one step after the other. Avoid looking to the top of the mountain and only watch the steps that you are taking in the moment… it’s so easy to slip off and slide down.

      Also, NEVER ever allow thoughts like “there is something wrong with me…”, immediately nip such thoughts in the bud. They serve no purpose at all, they can do damage.

      Hang in there and keep me posted!

      Your friend,
      Eddie

      • Thanks man… like everyone, I have my weak moments and that is when I question my character the most. It is curious how are psyche goes straight to beating yourself up in these situations. I will keep you posted, and I will keep reading.

        • Blue, have you addressed the ‘serious issues’ now? Your gf thought that the serious issues hadn’t or wouldn’t be addressed. What were they?

          • Hi Emily, one of the serious issues is a very personal matter. I’m not really prepared to air it out right here and now and I’m not sure if being vague will help. It was my fault each time and I accept full responsibility (it had nothing to do with abuse or infidelity). Unfortunately, it can’t be undone and the damage was irreversible.

            The other serious issue had to do with how we were sharing our lives. My girlfriend has three older children, all at home right now. They all have their own partners. She has a fairly large and very close network of friends. She works at a high-profile business in the community. I spent much time at her home and among her friends.

            On the other hand, I have a very small family. I’m a single father with an 18-year-old daughter. We are fairly quiet. I have friends but they are casual and I rarely have company. My home is not really set up for entertaining.

            In fact, I usually (and probably mistakenly) believed I was doing her a favour by not asking her to uproot from her home and her life to be more of a part in my home and my life. I was trying to be accommodating. Instead, I think she interpreted it as not being open and sharing.

            That is one tidbit she shared with me. I think there were other factors but maybe she is being kind by not being too critical.

            Our relationship was her first serious one in about 15 years. She did tell me something to the effect of, “Make sure your next relationship isn’t with someone who hasn’t been in a relationship for years.” Maybe she felt constrained by our relationship as well. I really don’t know and if I speculate, I tend to draw negative conclusions and that’s not good for me.

            I don’t know if that clarifies much. It is something I plan to address whenever I’m mentally ready to share my life again.

  • Mark Dice says:

    Hi Grick, I had a similar experience couple of years back and I can feel your pain! All I can say is that the pain really goes away with time. It took me a long time but I got over it and believe me when you do get over it, you´ll feel great!!

  • Hey guys! i was in a relationship with a girl for about 8 months, we fell in love with each other, we traveled together for 6 weeks, 2 weeks after we return she ends the relationship, this was about 3 months ago. i was an absaloute mess at first, went through all the notions, begging, calling, crying etc etc. i was gutted. i didnt speak to her for about 5 or 6 weeks and just before my birthday (last week) we met up. she told me she had ‘someone else in her life’ this set me back but not to square one. I asked her if she still had feelings for me, she said yes, and she also said that it was just a rebound for her.
    I havent talked to her since, i went to australia for a week, spent it pretty much by myself, reflecting and realising how big the world is. she emailed me while i was over there to wish me happy birthday, told me she loved me and said that even though i couldnt understand her actions now she hoped we could look back and treasure our memories in the future. i didnt reply. i returned home,deleted her off facebook, im back at uni, joined the gym and brought a new car. although im making progress and putting one foot in front of the other i cant help but have her in my mind the whole time, there are ups for sure and they seem to get longer but the down oh boy they suck. i saw a quote which said ‘yes time heals wounds, but its what we do with that time to kill it in the meantime is what matters’ and i guess im just waiting for it to all go away. im really thankful for forums like this because its nice to know im not in the same boat. the memories are memories, they are becoming more faint. but how much longer will i feel hollow?

    • Hi Grick. It will all get better.. give it a little more time. I see you feel like you started in square one so maybe you can start counting NC again. Cut off all contact, purge your place with all things that will make you remember her, and don’t stalk her or her friends on facebook. It also helps if you let your friends know that they should not mention her in your conversations. Start living your life without her. Remember who you were eight months ago. Or remember that you were also perfectly happy when you didn’t meet her. It will all get better in time, you are just healing for now, let yourself heal. It was a loss so of course you will essentially feel hollow but rest assure, it will go away eventually. Do something that will keep you busy, work, do overtime!haha, get involved with a hobby you wanted to try or learn something new. Be with your friends and family.

  • Thanks for the article Eddie! I’m on day 67 of NC and it hasn’t been easy. One of the hardest obstacles for me is the constant thinking. I can’t seem to shut my mind off and I know that it’s impossible to do that. This article is helpful because even though I can’t shut my mind off, I can focus on other things in my life. I’m going to try the ‘focused distraction’ and ‘affirmations.’ I liked the ones you wrote above so I’m going to use those.

    I’ve noticed some positive differences in my life now. I’ve been working out on a regular basis and getting in touch with old friends. I still have a long way to go, but I’m not giving up. I really want to get to know myself and be happy just being me (if that makes any sense). For years it seems as if I lost myself and allowed others to come into my life and change it around as they wish, but not anymore. I’ve noticed I’m becoming a stronger person. I have you to thank Eddie because you keep providing me with the tools to keep going. Thanks for so much support and guidance thru this.

    • Thank you PB, I am thankful that I could make a positive difference in your life.

      Yes, Distraction and Affirmations are the best ways to fight of the negativity at the very beginning, maybe also try the technique described in my newsletter.

      Hang in there!

  • Not every way of getting over a break up works for everyone but one thing that sometimes works is spending a bit of time thinking about what you did not like about your ex so that you are armed with a few “dislikes” when you think about him yet again with rose-colored specs. Let’s face it, no one is perfect but we tend to forget about the bad stuff when someone leaves us.

    Armed with your list, when you start feeling sad because he is no longer with you, you can focus on the dislikes instead – example “but at least I don’t have to live with him dumping his dirty socks on the bedroom floor or his mother calling or his beery breath after a night out” or whatever. The longer the list and the more critical you can be the better. If nothing else he’s a b*** the way he left you.

    It’s pretty difficult to train yourself not to think of someone. As soon as you say to yourself I’m not going to think about him, that’s the very thought you’re having, but you can also avoid making your relationship perfect, when it wasn’t.

  • Thanks for this Eddie! I am in Day 53 of NC and yes I still think about my ex but it doesn’t hurt as much as it did the first few days, few weeks of the breakup. Lately I have neglected to constantly distract myself from thinking about him! I still cry (as i am a very emotional person, with tears atleast) when I remember him (not the good stuff though) and how he treated me badly. I knew i didn’t deserve it! And maybe I am still so angry at the fact that I was not able to hit him or release that anger in some way at him or to make him realize how he traumatized me by using me for sex, for my money and for just me sacrificing so much for him. When I tell stories about how terrible he was to me I still get emotional. But as I constantly see friends, as I have a lot of them, I still feel the need to let them know my aide of the story. Let them know how I felt so they would understand. Is that a bad thing?

    And eddie, how do i deal with my ex’s debts (money loan) to me? I promised I will never make contact for 60 days and if I’m not yet ready I might even push it to 90days. Should I ask someone else to deal with the money he owes me? How do I deal with it? And how do I take control of the situation so if he responds, I wouldn’t feel powerless at all?

    And how do I control the thoughts of getting Him back? I am too nice and forgiving of a person like most ladies are and even though I know he doesnt want me back maybe from his own thinking or from other people’s wrong opinions… the stupid side of me still somehow wants him.

    Ladies, the pain gets easier! Trust me! Distract yourself with something to do everyday.. Join a club, hobby or a charity program! Something that will help you gain that confidence again! I am on Day 53 and already lost 15lbs, feel like the smartest person in my class (im training in a really high profile company) and can walk by myself to the mall or anywhere without worrying if i’m beautiful enough. It gets better, you just have to take the first step!

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