Break Up and Divorce Success Story: Contact vs. No-Contact

Success Story: Contact vs. No-Contact

The no-contact rule.

An excellent concept in theory, yet so difficult to put into action. No other rule shapes the outcome of our recovery more than this one; the rule is a precondition for our survival.

But why is it so hard to follow? Why do we come up with excuses NOT to follow it, even if we know how important it is?

The addiction to one person is not easy to overcome. It takes determination, strength and foremost -the insight on a deeper level that we cannot go on like this anymore, without losing ourselves completely.

The following success story from AJ is about following and NOT following the no-contact rule, and how important a support system can be:

Dear Eddie,

Several years ago I did the stupidest thing possible. I started dating my boss. My company had a strict no dating policy for its employees, but my boss convinced me that no one needed to find out. He pursued me like crazy until I gave in.

We were together over six years and amazingly (as far as I know) no one ever knew about it. We were very careful–my boss bordering on paranoid sometimes. I only told one friend about it, although I never told my boss that I shared our secret. Once the newness of the relationship wore off, he was terrified of losing his job and extremely careful about everything. Even his mother didn't know about me!

As anyone but me might have expected, he eventually decided he could no longer “live the lie.” Rather than looking for a new job or helping me to find one, he chose to break off the relationship. I was devastated. Of course, I had very little support, since I hadn't told most of my friends or any of my coworkers about him. His office was next to mine, and I'd hear him laughing and joking with other women through the thin walls. It was beyond horrible. I can't even describe the sick, sinking feeling I'd get in my stomach every day.

Still thinking about your Ex? Click here to take the test to learn how long it takes to heal... and how you can speed up the process.

He took another job a year later, but I still saw him occasionally because we traveled in the same business circles. And I'd like to say that business meetings were the only times I had to deal with this guy, but I was my own worst enemy. I called him for the stupidest reasons. I'd linger after meetings hoping to speak with him. But he'd walk right past me, and I'd inwardly fall apart. No matter how much time passed, the feelings of devastation were always the same. I can't tell you how many times I sat in my car and cried in parking lots. And it went on for over a year.

I tried not to call him, but I'd always give in. You would think I'd have learned from the horrible way I felt after each of these calls, but I didn't. The worst of it was that sometimes he'd give me a little grain of hope (“let's meet for lunch”). My entire world would come crashing down when the hope got dashed. (“Sorry. Something came up. I'll call you in the next month or so.”). Talk about letting someone else determine my happiness! I should have just given him a remote control.

Finally, my friend said, “Look. Calling this guy isn't getting you anywhere except that it makes you feel terrible. So I'll tell you what. Next time you want to call him, call me instead. I'll pretend to be him–I think I can reject you as well as he can, you'll get the same results but feel better about it.” I didn't put much stock in her idea, but I was desperate enough to try anything. So, the next time I wanted to call the guy, I called my friend. She was so like him, so coldly rejecting and horrible that I had to laugh. It was so much more fun than calling him ever was. I'd hang up laughing instead of feeling like a spineless rejected glob.

It still wasn't easy. The only thing that helped was that I kept telling myself he'd be expecting my calls. I reasoned that every time his phone rang, he'd expect it to be me. But it wouldn't be! I didn't want him to even see my number on his cell phone or caller ID. Nothing. I thought it might bother him that I'd dropped out of his life so quickly. I don't know if it bothered him at all, but it sure made me feel like I had some power back. I think that feeling powerless was the worst part of our breakup.

I took a job in another city, which also made me feel better, probably because I stopped hearing his name. I started dating again. I worked hard to stay busy, so I'd have no energy left over for worrying about him.

Within a few months I was pretty happy with my life, something I never would have believed possible. But then (and this is, to me, the important part) I ran into my ex-boyfriend at a business convention. By now a lot of time had passed–over two years. I accepted his invitation to dinner, thinking I was past my feelings for him. But, as usual, when it came to this guy, I was completely wrong. By the time the conference ended, I was the same needy person I'd been two years before. My ex-boyfriend gave off mixed signals, but I figured out pretty quickly that he didn't want a serious relationship with me. He wanted me to get him a better job (I professionally outranked him now).

Anyway, it was heartbreak all over again! I couldn't believe the feelings came back so quickly and that all the work I'd done hadn't moved me past him. I didn't have quite to start over, but it was way too close! I learned then and there that breaking the no contact rule ever (!) is a really bad idea. I also learned that logic and reasoning have nothing to do with how you feel. They can help control your actions, but there was nothing I could do to talk myself out of my attraction to him once he was in front of me. And boy oh boy did it hurt when I figured out the real reason for the dinner.

My friend, who had been quoting to me from your website, finally told me to read it for myself. So I followed her advice. Reading about the reasons for no contact, as well as learning from the stories of others, helped me. So did the newsletters–I learned something from everyone. I recovered a second time. Even so, I have finally learned why it's important never to see or speak with my ex-boyfriend again. He's called me a few times (must still be job hunting!), but I don't pick up when I recognize the number. I delete his messages without listening to them–way fun! I figure maybe it's some sort of addiction, like alcohol. Whatever it is, not seeing this guy at all, ever, is the best thing I can do for myself. I'm engaged to a great man now –and very happy, but still not taking any chances.

Apart from having lived the benefits of no contact, I want to say that if I can recover and be happy again, then so can anyone. I was about as far gone as a person can get. Needy, dependent, desperate, begging–those all described me–and over a prolonged period too!

Getting myself out of the cycle of contacting him, having hope and getting crushed was the best thing I ever did. It gave me my sense of power back. And, most importantly, it worked. Thanks for being there for all of us, Eddie. I've definitely learned that your advice is right on.

AJ

I hope AJ's story gave you some inspiration and insight about the importance of the no-contact rule, and that you are one step closer to following it with the necessary devotion.

Your friend,
Eddie

  • i broke up w my ex two months ago, i feel terrible, today has been hard, i miss him alot i had not felt this anxious in a while, i feel like calling him!! I have not gathered the courage do delete his email adress and although i dont have his number on my new phone, i have it on my old one. I dont know how to deal with moments like this, thats why im writing, i feel so alone!! i have been going out with friends, i had a great long weekend, except on saturday i had a breakdown and cried for about three hours in a row, i couldnt stop i felt like my pain was boundless, i thought it would be easier after a while and is not it is so hard when those waves of pain come,i feel like screaming and crying again it is too painful, i feel like i cant do this anymore, i want to make the pain stop! i want to forget about him or remember him without feeling this sadness!! what is wrong with meee! i love him and i want it to stoppp, there is always something that brings me back, something that trigers this emotions. I feel so sad, so sad. I want him to come back to me.. please!

    • I know how you feel exactly. Sad and very hard. But you are not alone.

    • Be strong! you know everything will be better soon

      • Thank you Dan… i actually was able to overcome that moment,it was pretty hard though… Since then, i've had my moments when i have genuinly felt happy, really, its so weird this whole thing right? One minute you feel good and the next your crying like there is no tommorrow, it is such a rollercoaster. Thank you for your kind words, is good to know we are not alone in this whole thing!

    • I'm going though the exact same thing! but find the strength to delete him completely out of your life (phone,email,fb, ect) its hard but its harder when you have the possibility of contacting them. but thanks for sharing it makes it a bit relieving your not the only one feeling the same thing.

      • its so hard not contacting a person that is giving you mixed signals. not giving hope on us yet he claims that he knows its not going anywhere. i go fine certain hours of days but then at some point i just choke and want to cry my head off just to tell him to please not give up on us.
        stepping outside my house gives me a hard time to breath as everything i ever do reminds me of him. when i see couples walking by shopping or holding hands i get all teary and wish i could have a say in it all.
        i wish i wish that i could move on and find the man that could really be able to make my heart laugh again.

    • I felt the same way. I know I deserve someone better, and who would treat me nice but it’s top painful not to contact him. I want the pain go away because it’s unbearable. He lives so far away and we communicate via text mostly, seen each other four times out of 6 months that we’ve known each other via online dating. Initially we like each other a lot but when I asked him whether he is looking for an exclusive relationship , he replied ” Its difficult that we live so far away. I really like you, but I don’t want to hold you back”. I don’t want to think that he is asking me to move on because he is really not into me and exclusivity us not in his vocabulary. Am I right it should I continue to hope that maybe someday , he will change his mind because I’m just not ready for no contact rule. It’s killing me. I need your advice desperately .

      • Venus, my heart goes out to you and I know how you are feeling as I’m still going through it myself. It is full of confusion, hope, despair, regret, anxiety, “I’ll never meet someone like him/her”, “I just want to be happy with him”, thinking about the past, thinking about a loveless future, you name it.

        Let me share you the continuation of my story from what I posted earlier here…
        I talked to my ex on Valentine’s day where I asked her if we could meet up this past Weds (2/20/13) to catch up and talk. She reluctantly agreed…MISTAKE #1..I had told myself all week that I was going to keep the meet to 1 hour and I even told that to her…but I let myself be strong-armed into staying there for 3 hours because I just wanted to be with her…MISTAKE #2…For the next 2 hours, she tore into me calling me a coward, selfish, a lesser man, how she lost respect for me because I lured her there under false pretenses, how I broke up with her, how she felt that I resented her, that I don’t know what I want, that she doesn’t trust me and I don’t trust myself, etc etc.

        Then she would act nice and laugh and joke, and finally when taking her back to her car, back to tearing into me, where (as she was drunk) she admitted that she was already looking to start dating her ex again. I knew she didn’t mean to let that one slip, but she was drunk and the truth comes out. Now she is calling me wanting to apologize for her behavior, have a closure talk to make herself feel better, and to make sure she has me as a back burner option in case her thing with her ex and any other guy doesn’t work out.

        But this is what I realize, I can’t talk to her….nothing she says will make me feel better, and will only cause me further confusion and false hope. I now realize that everything she said to me when she tore into me was a mirror of what she was feeling about herself, subconsciously. She is confused, I am not. She is insecure, I am not. I know what I want, and it was her. I am ready for a committed relationship with a woman who is whole and I will continue to work on myself while I look for that person.

        I now realize that the nicest thing she can do for me is to leave me alone and let sleeping dogs lie.

        Going back to your situation; you’re going to have these downward spirals where your mind is going to torture you into thinking this was your fault. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. The fact of the matter is that you have your shit together, and he does not. Please, Please understand that you are someone who deserves to be with someone who respects you, cares for you, will return the same amount of love you provide them, and accept you for who you are.

        The fact that you are here, listening to other people stories, and sharing your own is evidence that you are a wise person working on making yourself whole. Your self-esteem is your own and does not belong to anyone else, and not tied to anyone else. Don’t let someone have that kind of power over you because it is nothing but torture. Look at yourself in the mirror and remind yourself of how much you love you! Because the relationship between you and yourself is the most important one you will have in your life.

        *Books that have been helping me quell my mind chatter: “The Power of Now”, “The Observer’s Chair”

        Take care of yourself and know that you are an extremely special person in this world.

  • ZachGrazy says:

    Alright, all of a sudden i find my self reading out sites which has no connection to myself what so ever! and now i think to my self, ok.. issues as thus, does prevail in the world! Wait, dont get me wrong as of yet, i am not the kinda guy who lives in a pre historic era.

    Firstly, it really is a great deal of work that Eddie does, to those who are in need. Agreed, and i might some day, may be soon enough, keep on reading this site every night! Cuz, it seems inevitable right now.

    Anyhow, my comment is all about the no contact rule! Rather, it is about AJ's experience. As what i thought, she has not moved on even a bit yet! She thinks for her self, says it to other people, and rather pretends to be happily engaged with that one person! but, is it the truth? has not he(her ex) crossed your minds in your daily thoughts? would he not come up when you go to bed, at the desperate hours without sleep? Had after all, the no contact rule done any good to you? Questions raised! Yes, she'd rather choose to say! but my question being, why then do you choose not to contact him? The no contact rule far as i know only comes in to play, when you want to get over it. And completely forget him. But, would it not be rather ironical from your part to say that you do not contact him, or answer his calls any more? If you have gotten over your break up… if you know you are happy now,,, i find it very ironical from your part to not to answer the calls. Far as i see, the only reason why you make this much of fun out of his calls that you get once in a while compared to the series of calls you gave him, is because, you are afraid that you would fall for that guy again. You'd feel the need back! aren't you? if you are not.. i am sure you'd talk to him.

    Point blank, what is happening now is, you by pretending to be happy, is giving your now engaged guy nothing but the worst! The only thing you can do, to prove not me, or any one else, but rather, yourself wrong, go answer his calls next time he calls you, let him feel how happy you are in your words, do not let that agitation fall in to your voice when you hear 'hello' from the guy, and even after that, if you could say that you have not felt a thing for him… there you have proved… you are happy… and you are keeping your engaged guy happy too!

    I am sorry,if i offended anyone through my words. But, i feel it is rather more challenging, to those who say they have gotten over break up's to talk to their ex, and make sure they still say they are ok, than saying that they are ok, simply by ignoring their contact.

    It is kinda obvious that, AJ, you and me have had some of our best times with our ex'es! therefore, it is not that hard to put them away, but if you are ready for another one, please make sure that you have put them completely out of your desperate minds, and then move on, because, end of the day, we are not just by the person whom we are going out with now, unless we give everything we have to them, a bit more than what we gave to our ex'es!

    because just imagine, if we were that happy when we were with the wrong person, how happy would we be, when we are with the right one?

    Cheers!

    • holdingon1 says:

      The no-contact rule helped her realize she doesn't need to speak with him nor does she ever want to. He repeatedly hurt her and gave her hope and she (AJ) learned that to be happy in her life, he had to be out of it. Complete ties. Ignoring their contact at all (exes) not only lets them know that you're doing better without them, but it also tells them that they don't need you anymore. And that, after a break up like AJ's is the best thing she can do to someone who never wanted to be exclusive after 6 years and then broke it off with her, not caring how she felt and stringing her on for years…

  • charliezangel says:

    This really resonated with me – it reminded me that the guy(s) who have broken my heart never change and all it takes in a little contact for it all to come flooding back (feeling, hurt, attraction, hope, addiction)… i recently stopped blaming myself for pushing him away, you see i have read Christian Carter and know all the things i should do to be the girl a guy would want in his life… but i now know that sometimes, no matter what you do, there are some men who just won't be interested. My last bf was a PUA, we were together for nearly 2 years… it was on and off constantly, i never knew where i stood with him until it he was the one who cut off contact because he couldn't be friends and not constantly cross the line over and over… i should have known better and done it first

    Now i'm more prepared to keep no contact between us more permanent. Even though i don't miss him any more or feel hurt over what he did, i've even forgiven him and i'm moving on and happier for it… i know that all it will take is one look and i'd be right back at square one. Thanks for this post. x

  • I broke up with him two weeks ago, I think is the third time we go through this. This is an extremely long and painful story, the only thing I know is that this time I was fighting with all my soul to have him with me, for becoming a real couple, no fears, no hate, just love. I was so stupid! Once I asked him, I beg him that if he didn't really want to try things to work out with me, avoided any contact with me. But he didn't listen and rang and promised that this time everything will be different and I did believe him cause I needed to do so.
    But after one year reality is here. He never meant it seriously. He said he is going to a therapist and that he needs to find what he really wants in life before being with me. He sent the kind of e-mail that ” Moving on” received the other day, saying how much good love I gave to him, asking for being still in contact, for being friends.
    And I did reply! I was so devastated that I thought it would be a good idea and it wasn't at all.
    Now this e-mail is to say thank you for sharing your experiences with all of us, they confort me somehow even though I know I'm such an idiot for replying him.
    Thanks and real love for everyone of you

    • Moving_on says:

      Hi Lucy, you're not an idiot for replying to him. Hang in there, with everyone's help we can conquer this and be well & truly on our way to healing & recovery.

      • Thank you Moving_on. It is so hard to love someone who doesn't want to be with you anymore! Since I discover this site I feel less lonely but gosh why it is so difficult! I hope time goes fast and happiness come again.

    • I had the very same story but my guy returned to his ex … and forgot to mention this to me. I just found out last Saturday from his sister and am going thru the pain myself…hang in there and I will do the same here 🙂

  • Moving on says:

    It's been 40 days since my break up. I have maintained the no contact rule from day 1. All of a sudden, I receive this email from my ex. I've cut & pasted his message below. I'm tempted to reply, but something's stopping me. Perhaps my instinct is saying 'dont'. What do you guys think?

    This is his message:
    You, we, us still pop up regularly in my daily thoughts. Mixed emotions, different fronts, you may relate to this too.
    When a relationship breaks down to where we are at, it is natural to want the “real” answers to why it happened, and work on those areas so repeats can be minimised, and you can grow and therefore move forward with more confidence.

    Our biggest leasons come from our greatest pain so the saying goes. Dealing with that pain is not an easy thing, so avoiding it or minimising it is quite a natural responce, and escaping some of the blame by wiping all trace of what was and dealing, or thinking harshly of the other party is part of that. As difficult as I find it, I know it is important to look at myself so I can move foward in a positive and clear manner.

    Which brings me here today.

    Before the memories fade and the reasons for writing this don't seem that important to me any more, I want you to know, that I deeply honour the love we once shared together. You can question that love and was it really real in times like this, but I know it was. I will always cherish the leasons from you that will pop up at times down the track.
    I am sorry for falling short on my part of the deal and hope you can find forgivness. Although we still have sorting to be done, my intentions continue to be honourable and once everything is said and done I would wish us not to be “strangers on the street”.

    Hope this finds you well,

    • The subtext of this email (a typical Dumper email by the way):

      “The guilt is killing me and also the fact that you seem to be alright. I need you to be heartbroken over me so if something goes wrong with my new life, I could still have you.

      You haven't contacted me or begged me to come back. Why?

      I'm writing this to remind you that I'm still the most important person in your life and also to ease my overwhelming guilt. I'm waiting for a reply so that I could feel much better and carry on with my life without you (because I still DON'T want to be with you, I only want to feel better).”

      • Moving_on says:

        Thanks for your reply, Eddie. For the past 3 days, I've been tempted to reply to him but my instinct keeps telling me 'dont', so I'll let it guide me. Thanks for confirming that…

      • Eddie, that's brilliant. Thank you. I broke up with who I believe was the first true soul mate of my life last summer. Despite being shorter than my previous relationships it was a real intense year, almost got engaged and resulted in a messy breakup. She moved on quickly, infact she moved in with a new guy a few weeks after breaking up (yes, it was obviously brewing and I missed it).

        We avoided contact for 8 months but spied on each others MySpace/Facebook via mutual friends etc. Finally I responded to her after ignoring a months of emails very similar to the one above. Got back in touch genuinely wanting to be friends and get some closure. She was still with her rebound and confided many things in me, saying wait for her, she missed us so much, thought about me everyday and that she'd break up with him properly. This really messed with my feelings, forgetting friendship and giving me fresh hope.

        Two months later after giving her all the emotional support she needed, things are fine with her and her boyfriend. I don't feel we can be friends (unless it is very, very distant far in the future) as she betrayed my trust and used me and could do it again when she needs that support other guys can't give her.

        Although it has revealed her for the person she is, why we broke up and given me a bit of closure, I still think it would have been better never to get back in contact.

        Your website really helped last summer when I was taking sleeping pills and racked with worry despite having a healthy social life and plenty of understanding friends around me. Now your comment has REALLY helped now. NEVER regret the relationship but remember why you broke up! Set goals, do new things, and most importantly put YOURSELF first. Thank you and everyone who puts inspiring comments up!

      • Very nice Eddie thanks.

    • caribbean_kool says:

      @ moving on. donot reply no matter what… if u guys end up as friends it will ease the pain for the time being but make the healing phenomenon awfully lengthy…

      • Moving_on says:

        Thanks, caribbean_kool. I think he needs to feel that he's still in control. And if I replied, it'll be allowing him to control the situation. Thanks for reminding me.

  • he broke up with me without giving me a reason… he just called up and said its over between us and hung up.. at first i was numb…i didn feel any pain.. then i woke up in the morning and literally cried for 8 hours continuously that day..i kept telling myself that this cant happen.. he will have to talk to me… i called him again and again but he never picked my calls.. he didn reply to a single of my messages..
    then finally after 22 days he called me and said tht he wont give me any reasons for breaking up.. all he can be is just a friend..
    i was so desparate so i accepted that offer of JUST FRIENDSHIP[ a big mistake]…
    3 months passed in the same manner and they were the most torturing months of my life… he trotured me in every possible way he could…
    i expected his call all the time….he wud meet me but only after 2 weeks or so… i expected his call all the time but he never called..whenever i wud call him hed say that i am driving.. i am at work… i am busy will call u after 5 minutes but would never call atall…he being the dumpee knew that how much i was wanting him back..he took the advantage of the fact that i still was in love with him….
    all this reached the boiling point after 3 months and i absolutely exploded.. i used the energy of all the grief and all frustartion inside me and called him…. i said as many bad things to him as i could.. about his character..personality…life and everything…and u wont blv what was his response.. he said ” i beg u not to end it this way… the time i spent with u was the most beautiful time of my life. i really loved u when we were together.. i will come infront of u right now and u can beat me up as much as u want”
    i was so fuked up at that time that i just told him to go fuck his sister and hung up…. i deletd his number.. and everyother possible means of contact.. i received a few soft messages afterwards from him saying that i really had a great time with you…you have to study well and bring good results… i want to see you become a great surgeon and bla bla bla…
    i didnt reply to a single one of them….so he broke his contact aswell

    i seriously have no idea that how much i have recovered following the no contact rule…i dont know what my reaction will be like if he comes infront of me right now…will i hug him or will i just be indifferent.. but i do know that i am on the right path and recovering well…
    so no contact rule is really essential to recover from a breakup…

    but
    recently i was missing him soo much that i started searching his name on facebook.. i found him and it was so heart wretching to see his picture.. to see that face after so many days… i cried for 4 hours continuosly when i came to know through his facebook wall that he was dating.. how happy he was.. so guys no contact rule means that ur ex is dead for you.. in addition to cutting ur contact with him u also hav to tell urself that his life is none of ur business now.. he is dating.. ahh it hurts…so u dont need to know whether he is dating or not.. u dont need to hurt urself by finding out how happy he is with his life.. he is DEAD for me

    • i'm sorry to hear what your going through i'm going through the same thing and after reading your story i will get away from my ex…. he cheated on me after all i did for him i waited on him for 2 years while incarcelated i did everything in my power to make him happy, i wrote to him put $ on his books and made sure he was settle when he was out i helped him get a job did everything thinking of him. we were in a long distance relationship and he couldn't be faithful for 6 months we were engaged he had just proposed in january and cheated on me 3 months later grew feelings for the other women and got incarcelated again i was shocked and hurt to know he did not appreciate everything i did for him and now he wants to be friends he claims he cares and i agreed to be friends but after reading your story i realize i would just be hurting myself and it will take longer to move on its been 15 days since my world vanished i miss him love him so much but i could never forgive him i told him the same thing that he was dead for me

      • caribbean_kool says:

        the world is full of people like us. it happens all the time everywhere.
        i have been strong enough not to break the no contact rule for 3 months. but he called up last night and told me that he is moving out of the country.
        he asked me for forgiveness. i said it doesnt matter whether i forgive you or not and he said that he feels guilty after what he did to me.
        i was strong enough and i said i cannot forgive you. then he said bye.
        now he is not even in the same country as i. but ever since that call my heart is literally bleeding. i cant eat anything because everything comes out when i eat. i have no idea when this pain will end. but it is good to interact with people because it lets me know that i am not the only one going through all this. i am not alone

  • Its pathetic to avoid the urge to contact, I know it wont help but i feel like doing it every now and then and feel like im going to fall in the trap again. I m just hanging on and tryin to avoid the pits. But im not sure how long il be able to do it.

  • I read the following quote some time ago when going through my FIRST break-up with the ex (Yes, we broke up again for the LAST time). Anyway, I found it very helpful when it comes to the no-contact rule:

    “No new contact = no new hurt.”

    Think about that – it’s so true. Usually, when you contact an ex, you end up being disappointed in some form or another and you end up back at square one. All those days, weeks and sometimes months of healing (as in my case), end up being for nothing. No new contact means stopping the hurt dead in its tracks. Nothing new to rehash, no fresh wounds and no old wounds to re-open. It’s a powerful deterrent.

    Another one was to visualize yourself on the school playground when you were young – say 5, 6, or 7. I’m sure we can all remember a happy time on the playground during recess with the other kids. Really put yourself back there- remember who’s around you, what you’re doing, how much fun you’re having….laughing, without a care in the world.

    Then ask yourself – is your ex in that picture with you? Of course not! Trust me, if you really visualize this, it will remind you that you ARE capable of happiness without him or her – you were happy and joyous on your own terms and it would be years before they entered your life. You were perfectly wonderful without them back then – and you will again be perfectly wonderful today without their presence. I already know this to be true myself – But I just started no contact AGAIN – after giving him a last-ditch chance. He blew it….and I’m working through my own grief.

    Thank you for your wonderful site. Invaluable. It’s in my favorites now. 🙂

    dstep

  • How do you go about this rule if you have a child with this person you are trying to get over??

    • Hi lisa, im going throough the same thing. Its so hard because I have to speak to him because of the kids. I have read alot on here and for some reason it makes me feel better but i was hoping to speak wit eddie 1 on 1 to get some personal advice because im really suffering, but if you or anyone would like to speak with me please do so.. I cant have the no contact rule as much as i would love to change phone numbers everything complete lose of contact i just cant because of the kids its sooooo hard to get over him more because of this having to see him and speak to him everyday, we were toghther for 7 1/2 years.

  • Alexus, give her a break. You said yourself, you cheated throughout the relationship… so just leave her to heal. You obviously are not so into her or you wouldn’t have cheated.

    She sounds like a wonderful person, so if you truly do love her (in your own way) – love her enough for her to move on so she can attract her special man who will treat her right.

    In the meantime, consider doing some soul-searching yourself, why did you cheat? Why don’t you want to commit to this wonderful girl you are telling us about?

    Wishing you both true love in the future.

  • Me and my girlfriend recently broke up after I had told her about my cheating that had been occurring throughout the relationship. I told her because I wanted to set things straight, I do not regret ever telling her and I have forgiven myself for the actions I had made. In my current situation my close friends are overseas and my other close friends do not really understand the situation as they have not had much experience.

    I tried for a week not to contact her, and she put it back on me that I had been ignoring her and it just went to show how much I cared, I told her that space would be best for the both of us, although we have still been seeing each other, she had been sending mixed signals ever since we broke up.

    I told her that we should just go our separate ways and she tells me this is not what she wants. Yet she does not want to be in a relationship.

    I have absolutely no idea what to-do, and I can see the idea of the no-contact method and I can imagine how this will come in to play, but I do not want to end it on a note that makes me look like the bad person. Any input or advice would be great.

    I have found someone who I can trust and we have some fun times together, although I do not want a relationship and apparently she does neither, yet these things change, so I have decided to keep very distant in relation to this, and act more as friends then as lovers. This helps a lot when I am feeling sad I can call her up and we hang out and man does it make the time go so much quicker, and does the ex come running.

    I guess I need to get to a point where I can keep slight contact with my ex, without making it feel like I never loved her and don’t care. OR should I just delete her number, Facebook and ignore all her texts.

  • I did the no-contact rule after my boyfriend broke up with me…about a month and a half later he called me to “ask how i was doing.” i told him not to contact me anymore & we hung up…a few weeks after i saw him at a bar & he started texting me…he didn’t like that i was dancing with other guys. (not my problem)
    Anyway, somehow we spoke later on that night until about 4:30am & we’ve been back together ever since.
    Standing your ground DEFINITELY works & if its meant to be it WILL happen again.
    If that person breaks up w/ you they should be man/woman enough to not talk to you after, & if you keep feeding into their random texts/calls they’re going to think of you as their doormat that will always be there. you’re better than that!!

  • @Eddie Corbano

    EDDIE I REALLY NEED YOUR ADVICE, PLEASE!!!

    My boyfriend and I broke up 17 days ago, we were together for almost 6 years. There were many bad things in our relationship but now I realize that he is a really good manipulator and that is the reason why it was so hard for me to leave him.

    3 years ago, he started to email his ex, telling her how much he missed and loved her. They also met a couple of times. The day I found out was the day I broke up with him. In order to do so, I met him at the university campus, gave him the papers with the emails, wished him the best and I left… (I had to make it this way because he is very aggressive sometimes and I was sure he was going to react in a badly way).

    After I left him, he followed me into the common room and started shouting at me that I was a coward and if we were going to break up I should confront him and talk about it. A teacher intervened and he left.

    2 days later, he sent me an email saying how sorry he was about what happened with his ex. His excuse was she hurted him so bad and that he was obsessed with her because he never understood why she left him… but that the one he really love had always been me.

    I emailed him back saying: now that we are no longer together, you should have your closure or whatever you need with her and then begin with the healing process in order for to start seeing thing from a new persepective.

    I thought that would be the end but he keeps emailing me saying how much he misses me and that he stills there and that he wants to hear from me… I haven’t answer him because I don’t see the point and I know that if I did the emails will be more frequent, then they will become calls and then meetings… and I will return to the same vicious relationship… am I doing ok by not answering him???

    Im scared, I know he is not good for me, but I can’t forget his other side (the bad things he has are really bad, but his good things are really good) and I still love him and it hurts so bad to know how much he is suffering because of me…

    PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I really need your advice!!

    PS all your articles have helped me in so many ways! I am a grateful big fan!!

  • I am 18 and me and my girlfriend of 3 years broke up about two months ago. I’ve come a long way in these two months, and i really feel like i can see a light at the end of this tunnel. I’ve developed, self love, a self esteem, independence, a purpose in life, and i can feel myself letting go completely, more and more everyday. I can feel my self beginning to open up to all the new things the universe has to offer, Including new love. However, Things are still a tad shaky at times, nothing extreme anymore, and nothing i can’t handle. The only thing i feel that sets me back are the mornings, and the dreams. I’ll go my whole day, positive, happy, feeling free and healed, Then i’ll go to bed, have a dream regarding her, or the break up, then i’ll wake up feeling depressed. It usually takes me about 2 hours of meditation, music, and writing to get myself back to where i was the day before. Am i doing something wrong, the dreams aren’t as often, or as intense as they used to be, but i still feeling like i am doing something wrong. I used to be able to wake up and instantly feel amazing about life, without using positive affirmations or anything like that. Though i love positive affirmations, I would like to be able to wake up already feeling ready to take on the world. I feel really good Most of the Time, but i go to bed every night wondering if i’m going to be ok the next morning. It’s like my higher self sleeps in a few hours longer than i do(if you’ve read the “what pain has taught me the hard way” article, you’ll know what i mean by my higher self.)

    One thing that helps is to remind myself when i wake up from a bad dream, that what i am feeling are only chemical reactions caused by the dream, and that i don;t actually feel this way. I feel that when I can start waking up feeling GREAT again, I will be healed. ( and when that day comes eddie, get ready for the biggest thank you e-mail of your life)

    I also apologize that this comment is unrelated to the article.

    I create Everything in my life.

    • When me and my ex of three years broke up i experienced the same thing. It took me a year to get over everything. For the first six months I had awful re-occuring dreams about us; some were old memories, others new fears. He was my first love, but the feelings will go away and now I don’t think about him at all. I’m currently going through another break-up, but if that wasn’t the case I would feel great. So don’t worry, you’re doing all the right things. I just thought I would share this with you because I remembered at the time there seemed like there was no light at the end of the tunnel, but it really does get better and you’ll meet even deeper, sweeter loves.

  • Hi Lee, your words brought tears to my eyes.
    Probably because I was you 6 weeks ago, I had let him go I was stronger, happier and in control and then I broke the NO CONTACT rule. We started talking and sharing things and we spoke about our relationship the feelings we had, what we went through. He said all the things I wanted to hear. He told me how much he loved me, how he realised all the mistakes he made. And before I knew it we were “seeing” each other again. But this is the crazy part, not long after he and I broke up initially he started seeing anther girl and the all the time he continued wooing me he was seeing this girl, not knowing that I knew about her. And despite knowing about the two of them I let him woo me. I listened and I fell for him again. I guess at fiist it was intrigue been ” the other girl”. However after about two weeks of seeing each other I told him I knew about her. He denied it at first and then admitted that they were seeing each other but that she is not his girlfriend. They just see each other sometimes.Note that this girl is the complete opposite of me. At first he said she is just a distraction to not think of me and he could never have a future with her (she has a kid – 5yrs). I told him he cannot see us both at the same time. He agreed and told me he would stop seeing her. It’s been three weeks and as far I know he keeps seeing her, going there, doing stuff for her. All the while he is telling me how much he loves me, how he wants to marry me and that I’m the perfect girl for any guy. I know he is really confused. He is scared of comitting and it’s easier for him to be with this other girl, she doesn’t expect anything form him. He does as he pleases comes and goes as he wants whereas with me the feelings are deeper and not just on the surface. We are deeply deeply inlove with each other. We had spoken about getting married, kids, a life together. He knows that if we are together he needs to get his act together he needs to be seroius and really be there he needs to commit. I decided that we need to stop seeing each other. And even though I’m stronger since we first broke up, it’s still hurts.

    Lee, your words inspire me this morning that I will be ok again. Thank you!

    • Christine says:

      WOW this sound “exactly” like my story he kept promises me and I know he loved me but, scared of commitment.

      Just hang in there my friend we will get through this.

      Be strong and No Contact.

      Christine.

      • Christine, I feel like such an idiot. I’t been three months and I’m still “seeing” him. It’s like he has some kind of hold on me, each time I break up with him aor tell him we need t stop he makes all these promises he saysy all the things I want to here and I give in again. I really thought he’d stopped seeing this girl and I then I found out he hasn’t and for the last 3 months he has been lying and cheating all the time. When I confront him he can’t give me any answers, says he doesn’t know why he does it. I don’t understand how he can tell me he loves me, wants to marry me & have babies with me yet he be with another girl.
        I have reached it, my limit. I’m seeing him later and ending this totally dysfunctional situation and start all over again with no contact and this time sticking with it all the way.

        • Christine says:

          Hey Mak,

          Just take sometime for yourself, I know how you feel. you see my ex wasn't see the other girl anymore. He even told me about her too. The sad thing for me is he wants me back but, I am afraid cause I want him to take the step and he agree but, I don't know if I could wait cause I sense he's afraid of responsibilities and just telling me what I want to hear.

          Just be strong and hang in there my friend. if you have my email you can emailed me direct.

          God bless you and everyone else.

  • I am a firm believer in the no-contact rule! I finally hit rock bottom in a relationship with a man of 3 years. When it hit midnight ringing in 2010, I decided something had to shift. I called him on January 4th, told him I am finally ready to be kind to myself, live my life with happiness instead of constant pain and finally take the steps to be alone. I know he didn’t believe me….I’d said the same thing before. We had broken up in 2007 for over a month…and I did no-contact then. Because of my work I had to see him again (we live in different states) and it started all over. The addiction was back. So when 2010 came and I made the decision- I meant it…I couldn’t be miserable any longer. I blocked his phone numbers, his emails, told my friends/his friends/our friends to never tell me anything about him….never tell him anything about me….etc. I really feel if I make one phone call/text or look him up online…I’m going back to day one of what I call “my sobriety”. I’m not looking back. It hurt like hell the first month- I missed him, I missed his voice, I missed his touch, I wanted to call him for the smallest things, I wanted him to hear my voice so he’d realize how much he misses me and magically change all the toxic things about him……but that month went surprisingly fast. I knew the pain would pass. Tomorrow is my 3 month “sobriety anniversary”. I couldn’t be happier. Not having my friends talk about him, not calling him, not taking steps to just hear his voice for a second…I’m so much further along than I ever thought I’d be 2 months ago! After 3 years of being obsessed with the man I loved….I realized not contacting him and not letting him determine my happiness was the best thing I have ever done for myself. Trust me when I say I know it’s hard to cut someone off completely- doing anything cold turkey is hard! My heart, my soul and my mind are so much stronger for doing this the hard way. I knew we were broken….I knew the cycle would continue if I made one tiny phone call or put myself in a situation where I’d see him…..so I’m taking charge of MY life and not letting him have the reigns any more! I stepped down as a bridesmaid in a wedding he will be attending later this summer. And I will remove myself from any other situation like that so as not to be anywhere near him. I had to do something that drastic for my “sobriety”. If I’m serious about not turning back- I have to do what’s best for me. I truly hope everyone reading this can take a small bit of hope from me when I say it does get easier….each day is better. I missed him, I loved him and I wanted to be with him. But it was broken- it didn’t work out….and letting him go 100% was the only way I could prove to myself I will be not only JUST FINE without him….but I will be BETTER.

    • Christine says:

      Hi I admire your spirit, send some over for me pls.

      God bless you

    • Wow,so good to hear a story that I can relate to. I ended up dating my boss in 2003 when were were both going through bad divorces. I wasn’t even attracted to him, but I felt like he put me on the spot at a time when our company was restructuring and thought I might lose my job. I knew that was a sure way to keep it. However, I did fall in love with him and he turned out to be one of the most generous kindest people (or so I thought) I had ever met. We couldn’t be open about our relationship for 6 years after that. He lost his job in 2007 and that promptly changed him. He then took another job with the same boss who fired him and lost his job again in 2010.He has also be forced by one of his employers to seek help for anger management because of the way he treated people. After 2007 he became obsessed with work. His children both have serious emotional difficulties which he had always blamed on his ex wife. He became obsessed with controlling them. I got really sick in 2010 which meant many trips to the doctor and some horrible treatments. He never once showed up to be with me. When he got his new job in 2010 he was making less money so our topics of conversation became how he couldn’t spend money on me anymore his work and his children failing school. But I kept trying. Through those last years I found myself drinking and drinking when I was around him. I found myself drinking when I wasn’t around him. I am not a good drinker and I get mean (which I didn’t know until I met him). My friends used to say that I was just plain funny when I drank, but with him I said some very hurtful things to him. I have apologized. He was in ultimate control of our relationship i.e. when I could see him and when I couldn’t because of his work schedule and children. Two years ago when were on the downslide I chose not to have him to my new house or be around my child. I guess that was very telling. So fast forward to 6 weeks ago, his son was admitted to the hospital for serious depression (he is 16). When his son was released he decided to yet again dictate my schedule and told me I had to be at his house every Monday and Tuesday (which is when he has his kids) to be supportive. I guess that was his test of me, because I said no I couldn’t commit to that. He then some nasty words, as did I (by text) and we ended it there and then. I promptly went to rehab to get assistance and through that time I wrote to him to apologize for the things I had made myself accountable for. Those this past Friday he asked to meet me to tell me he had moved forward in his life but wants to be friends. I then realized he had never said he was sorry for his part and upon reflection he never uttered the word once in our relationship. That set me back an entire weekend. I drank 8 bottles of wine and didn’t get out of bed for two days. He told me he had my stuff packed and wanted to drop it off. I told him I would decide when I wanted it and would get it myself. How is it I still feel very so crappy about the whole thing. Sorry for the long email, but your thoughts would be so helpful.

  • Hello Eddie, could you tell me what to do when the man who broke up with me (didnt chose me to be with wont explain because its a long story) calls me or txts me? I loved him so much and im so tired of these emotions, i have no idea how to react what to think that i wouldnt want to call him back or txt him. Is there any method i could use?

  • anonymous says:

    what i found that helps me when i want to contact my ex is i write out what i want to say to him. it lets me release all that i have on my chest without getting interrupted. I’ve recently gone back and read for the first time what I’ve written and its such a relief to see my progression of the breakup. i went from being weak and hurt to a strong confident women again and all without him! I’ve fallen victim to breaking the no-contact rule and it never made me feel any better. to everyone out there stay strong i promise it gets better and read everything that Eddie has written he truly is a god send!

  • Addictions don’t seem to matter if they are for cigarettes, being right or men! If you choose to flirt with danger – you more than likely will get burned.

    Recently my ex visited the city where I lived and unexpectedly stayed at my place. Thank God I was strong enough to stick to not falling into bed with him – especially since this place is the one we chose together and holds so many memories.

    We still love each other and old hurts seem, at least on the surface, to have healed however….

    why have I had sleepless nights since….???

    The no-contact rule seems to be the only way to go.

    Although if you want to restore the broken relationship that is also possible – I attended an inspiring conference last year on addictions and restoration.

    However I ask you – where he is at the moment – physically, spiritually, emotionally – do you really want him?

  • Sourtimes says:

    Excellent story Eddie. It exemplifies the necessity of the no contact rule. I have a question:
    My ex and I broke up 10 days ago. I immediately implemented the no contact rule and I have not heard from her since. The breakup was extremely emotional and while cordial, she did it and now I’m crushed. I’m dying to e-mail her and just wish her the best. Is this a bad idea?

    I just want the hurt to go away. Any insight would be greatly appreciated. Should I stick to the no contact rule?

    • Yes absolutely, continue with no-contact and try to ignore the urge to contact her.

      There is this need to contact them right after the breakup happened and wish them the best, tell them how special there were, apologize for something, etc.

      Be honest to yourself and ask what you want to accomplish by doing so. Because all these things don’t really matter once it is over, and the ultimate goal during no-contact is to accept this fact.

      Hang in there!

      Eddie

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