Break Up and Divorce Success Story: Contact vs. No-Contact

Success Story: Contact vs. No-Contact

The no-contact rule.

An excellent concept in theory, yet so difficult to put into action. No other rule shapes the outcome of our recovery more than this one; the rule is a precondition for our survival.

But why is it so hard to follow? Why do we come up with excuses NOT to follow it, even if we know how important it is?

The addiction to one person is not easy to overcome. It takes determination, strength and foremost -the insight on a deeper level that we cannot go on like this anymore, without losing ourselves completely.

The following success story from AJ is about following and NOT following the no-contact rule, and how important a support system can be:

Dear Eddie,

Several years ago I did the stupidest thing possible. I started dating my boss. My company had a strict no dating policy for its employees, but my boss convinced me that no one needed to find out. He pursued me like crazy until I gave in.

We were together over six years and amazingly (as far as I know) no one ever knew about it. We were very careful–my boss bordering on paranoid sometimes. I only told one friend about it, although I never told my boss that I shared our secret. Once the newness of the relationship wore off, he was terrified of losing his job and extremely careful about everything. Even his mother didn't know about me!

As anyone but me might have expected, he eventually decided he could no longer “live the lie.” Rather than looking for a new job or helping me to find one, he chose to break off the relationship. I was devastated. Of course, I had very little support, since I hadn't told most of my friends or any of my coworkers about him. His office was next to mine, and I'd hear him laughing and joking with other women through the thin walls. It was beyond horrible. I can't even describe the sick, sinking feeling I'd get in my stomach every day.

Still thinking about your Ex? Click here to take the test to learn how long it takes to heal... and how you can speed up the process.

He took another job a year later, but I still saw him occasionally because we traveled in the same business circles. And I'd like to say that business meetings were the only times I had to deal with this guy, but I was my own worst enemy. I called him for the stupidest reasons. I'd linger after meetings hoping to speak with him. But he'd walk right past me, and I'd inwardly fall apart. No matter how much time passed, the feelings of devastation were always the same. I can't tell you how many times I sat in my car and cried in parking lots. And it went on for over a year.

I tried not to call him, but I'd always give in. You would think I'd have learned from the horrible way I felt after each of these calls, but I didn't. The worst of it was that sometimes he'd give me a little grain of hope (“let's meet for lunch”). My entire world would come crashing down when the hope got dashed. (“Sorry. Something came up. I'll call you in the next month or so.”). Talk about letting someone else determine my happiness! I should have just given him a remote control.

Finally, my friend said, “Look. Calling this guy isn't getting you anywhere except that it makes you feel terrible. So I'll tell you what. Next time you want to call him, call me instead. I'll pretend to be him–I think I can reject you as well as he can, you'll get the same results but feel better about it.” I didn't put much stock in her idea, but I was desperate enough to try anything. So, the next time I wanted to call the guy, I called my friend. She was so like him, so coldly rejecting and horrible that I had to laugh. It was so much more fun than calling him ever was. I'd hang up laughing instead of feeling like a spineless rejected glob.

It still wasn't easy. The only thing that helped was that I kept telling myself he'd be expecting my calls. I reasoned that every time his phone rang, he'd expect it to be me. But it wouldn't be! I didn't want him to even see my number on his cell phone or caller ID. Nothing. I thought it might bother him that I'd dropped out of his life so quickly. I don't know if it bothered him at all, but it sure made me feel like I had some power back. I think that feeling powerless was the worst part of our breakup.

I took a job in another city, which also made me feel better, probably because I stopped hearing his name. I started dating again. I worked hard to stay busy, so I'd have no energy left over for worrying about him.

Within a few months I was pretty happy with my life, something I never would have believed possible. But then (and this is, to me, the important part) I ran into my ex-boyfriend at a business convention. By now a lot of time had passed–over two years. I accepted his invitation to dinner, thinking I was past my feelings for him. But, as usual, when it came to this guy, I was completely wrong. By the time the conference ended, I was the same needy person I'd been two years before. My ex-boyfriend gave off mixed signals, but I figured out pretty quickly that he didn't want a serious relationship with me. He wanted me to get him a better job (I professionally outranked him now).

Anyway, it was heartbreak all over again! I couldn't believe the feelings came back so quickly and that all the work I'd done hadn't moved me past him. I didn't have quite to start over, but it was way too close! I learned then and there that breaking the no contact rule ever (!) is a really bad idea. I also learned that logic and reasoning have nothing to do with how you feel. They can help control your actions, but there was nothing I could do to talk myself out of my attraction to him once he was in front of me. And boy oh boy did it hurt when I figured out the real reason for the dinner.

My friend, who had been quoting to me from your website, finally told me to read it for myself. So I followed her advice. Reading about the reasons for no contact, as well as learning from the stories of others, helped me. So did the newsletters–I learned something from everyone. I recovered a second time. Even so, I have finally learned why it's important never to see or speak with my ex-boyfriend again. He's called me a few times (must still be job hunting!), but I don't pick up when I recognize the number. I delete his messages without listening to them–way fun! I figure maybe it's some sort of addiction, like alcohol. Whatever it is, not seeing this guy at all, ever, is the best thing I can do for myself. I'm engaged to a great man now –and very happy, but still not taking any chances.

Apart from having lived the benefits of no contact, I want to say that if I can recover and be happy again, then so can anyone. I was about as far gone as a person can get. Needy, dependent, desperate, begging–those all described me–and over a prolonged period too!

Getting myself out of the cycle of contacting him, having hope and getting crushed was the best thing I ever did. It gave me my sense of power back. And, most importantly, it worked. Thanks for being there for all of us, Eddie. I've definitely learned that your advice is right on.

AJ

I hope AJ's story gave you some inspiration and insight about the importance of the no-contact rule, and that you are one step closer to following it with the necessary devotion.

Your friend,
Eddie

  • my gf of 7 months as recently asked me to give her space,no talking or texting,shes recently been diagnosed with breast cancer and we werent getting on too well mainly because of stress,she still has me as her boyfriend on facebook,but she needs space to determine if she wants to be with me,im confused and hurt,any advice please would be welcome.

  • Tonight marks day 2 for me starting the NC rule. We were together off and on for over 8 months. I was strong the first night, he sent me a text right after I told him via email not to contact me. I again stated via text do not contact me unless u are willing to have a relationship. Our reason for breaking up. His narcissistic personality always pulled me in then away. I’m trying so hard not to think of him. I love him but I know this will get better. I’ve deleted his #but I want to text him so badly….. Reading the posts and stories here help. May we all find love!

  • Tonight marks day 2 for me starting the NC rule. We were together off and on for over 8 months. I was strong the first night, he sent me a text right after I told him via email not to contact me. I again stated via text do not contact me unless u are willing to have a relationship. Our reason for breaking up. His narcissistic personality always pulled me in then away. I’m trying so hard not to think of him. I love him but I know this will get better. I’ve deleted his #but I want to text him so badly….. Reading the posts and stories here help. May we all find love!

  • Today will be my first day of NC, we were together for 13 years, since I was 17- in that much time a lot can happen, I dislike his family, he dislikes mine, and it has become a big problem over the years. We are practically married, have mtg, bills together and about 3 months ago I kicked him out, we were living as roomates it felt and he gave me zero affection. He was deceptive after 11 years together, and I caught him having an emotional affair with his sisters friend, much younger than him. It disgusted me and I lost trust and respect for him. After that happened I completely changed and he was no longer my first priority and he didnt like that. I feel our relationship is beyond repair even though I still love him, its time to move on and stop the contact- hes ignored several of my texts so I basically deleted his # and texts off my phone, I dont have his # memorized so thats a good thing, it is a fairly new number. I would change my phone number but it is my work cell so I can’t. I am trying to remain strong and face reality

  • Vinka Maras says:

    Is there any story you have that has success at breaking the no-contact rule 😀 I think it is ok to see both sides 🙂

    • Lifeissweet says:

      Eddie himself broke the no contact once, after one month of applying it. Which he regret later because it hurted him like hell and it took away all the progress he made and it took another couple to months to bring him back to the position he was before no contact, but he then realizes the mistake and didn’t make contact any further.
      so he broke the rule once but still got over.

  • sheisamess says:

    So this is really hard for me and I almost feel on my own, compared to you all, about this whole break up thing because I am the dumper. Tomorrow I am going to start Day 1 of NC and I hope I can do it. To start off with, I broke up with my now ex. Long story short we were going in different paths (long distance), different future goals/plans, the relationship had a lot of baggage (previous cheating on me etc), and I wasn’t happy anymore. So I broke it off last week. I am currently having mixed feelings about the situation (you know, when you can’t decide if you made the right choice or not). This time I am going to stick to my guns and just do it. If I don’t do it now I will never do it! I am very lonely as I have just moved to a new town for summer work and I am going to move again for school in the fall. I find that it is hard to meet people when you are just working, but I am sure I will be fine. I feel like everything will get better and that I need to stop hurting him (and myself) and making him think that I will hold on to him and that we will be together because I don’t think it is the right thing for me and my happiness. I also don’t think that I love myself enough to be in a relationship and that I have a lot of emotional/mental issues that I need to fix/work on. Here is to a long journey to happiness ahead of me! Let’s hope I live through this mess I am in.

  • I’ve in a relationship for almost 11 years since i was 14 now im 25. He always cheated on me and I always got back with him because he did everything and showed me that he love me . He’s family didn’t like me because im american and according to them i don’t have the same values and he stood up for me and always gave me my place as his girlfriend and wife to be. He bought me a ring and everything. Then he moved to another state and for 4 years we tried the long distance thing. I discovered that he had a girlfriend so he sold his business and broke up with her to move back to my city . 4 months later she told him that she is pregnant. I really love him but im tired of everything , the lies the cheating i want to break up for good but i don’t know how to because he is all i ever known and my friends are his friend :”( HELP!

  • Hi every one and Eddie ,
    My one year old boyfriend broke up with me one month ago just before our one year anniversary.
    A week before the breakup he was on vacation telling me that next time our vacation will be together because he misses me so much there. I m divorced in may late and he is divorced too with two kids. This never bothered me as we were almost talking about marriage in time.
    He just changed totally telling me he is confused , he does not feel for me anymore the same way, he does not love me but just cares for me etc the typical thing anyone would say when breaking up. He is in his late thirties and told me he still needs to settle down and may be later he will reassess and if he felt there is a little chance we might get together… Is so humiliating actually that am I side option?
    He said he wants to remain friends and frankly I thought it would be a good idea that we will stay in touch and he might change his feelings and love me again. I am very upset as not for a single second he is out of my mind. We had great time together. He also wanted to get physical after break up which I totally refused to.
    We still hangout like once in a while and although I try to draw the line some way or the other I find my self brining in the relationship question and which spoils his mood again. He just wants to be friends. Each time I see him I feel hurt because he is so casual and I still love him.
    Frankly I called him after the breakup but not to an extend that would make me appear desperate or so. I have been trying to be patient.
    I just want to know if I want him back , is there a chance if I stay in touch with him casually or I should just cut off the contact totally. I am not sure about this. Mostly of the time he initiated the contact.
    But I have noticed since I talked about out relationship he stopped going that.
    If I want him back should I cut off or stay in touch casually?
    Can some one’s feeling change back in love?

  • I broke up with my girlfriend after a 7 year relationship last year in oct.its been a whole year now but i still havent gotten my peace.i feel guilty because it started off as my fault. i was giving her less attention and had started talking to someone else.though i had no intention of leaving her nor did i have any feelings for this new person. but when she found out she just wanted to end the relationship.when i realised how badly things had turned and that i had jeopardized such a long and happy relationship i tried to fix it.i apologized to her showed her how much i loved her did everything i could to tell her how much she means to me.which she did.if only i could go back on my mistake. but she never gave me another chance.she didnt even want to talk things out.for her the relationship was just done.
    i made all the mistakes possible throughout the year. calling her,texting her, trying to meet her,begging her,crying; but nothing worked.she just wanted me to go away.the fact is she had moved on right away.but i was devastated. i just wanted her back in my life.then a few months ago i found out from her friend that shes going out with someone else now and infact shes been going out with him for months now.which means she got interested in somone just 2-3 months after we broke up.and even during that time i was begging her to take me back.
    i went ahead with the no contact rule after i found that out.i didnt contact her for 3 months.then one day when i just couldnt hold it back no more i tried calling her.she never picked up my phone.which made me so angry that she didnt even want to hear my voice after all these years of being with me when all i did was love her during that time.
    while i know that its over and i know i shudnt be thinking about her when shes clearly over me,i just cant get her out of my mind.i still feel that one day she will call me herself and ask me to get back with her. i do miss her. and it hurts me to think she doesnt miss me at all and is happy with someone else.
    i visit this blog everyday read the articles which do make me feel a little better. but im still not out of my rut. and its already been a year.

    • OMG!!! are you sure you are not my ex, your story is way too familiar, that exactlyl what he did to me, had someone else on the side though he didnt intend to leave me. Its been a year now and shortly after the breakup he was already dating two other ladies. How quickly he replaced me(YES THAT HURTS LIKE HELL) but kept calling and texting and begging though he was busy banging his new love.

      • It is crazy how quick your ex can seem to move on. After years of love that fact that such a strong emotion as love can just be turned off so quick is mind boggling to me.
        What hurts too is the thought of how they emotionally let you go while they were still in the relationship before the breakup actually happens, while you remain blissfully unaware and happily plodding along… *sigh*

        It's craziness!

        • Hey Luke, just read your post and it struck a chord with me. I realise that I have been plodding along, blissfully unaware that there was an issue. He is standing strong that our 20 year relationship is over and I think he let me go several months ago. This is just what I find so hard to deal with. How can someone I have loved devoutly to the exclussion of all others, even sacrificing family relationships some times, just turn off his love for me?? How can he carry on with out me when I can't with out him. Can anyone explain to me why he will not even discuss with me what went wrong…I just don't understand any of this.

          • Hey EJ, Oh I wish I had the answer, I really do.
            It is exactly the same with my ex too. I haven't been in contact with her for a while now but my past attempts to get some kind of explanation or reason as to why she suddenly 'switched off' to me was met with no response or she got angry and refused to answer, accusing me of trying to make her feel guilty for breaking it off.

            Are they afraid the truth will hurt us? Are they scared to admit something to themselves? Was there another person involved secretly? Do they even know why themselves?
            Who knows :/
            Either way, screw her! I'll find someone who is willing to appreciate and respect my feelings to not leave me out to dry, thank you very much.

          • Luke, I think you're right….they can't face their guilt. My head is telling me all the right things but my heart is still hanging on in there. I read comments on this site nearly every day. Just for a bit of encouragement that I can get through all this. I realised some thing today… Why am I worried about being alone and if I can cope with it… when I am alone now and coping quite well most days considering! Everything is still really scarey though. I usually dig my heels in at the thought of change and now my whole life is changing. Perhaps that is another lesson I have to learn…embrace change….It may be for the good. EJ

          • Change is good.
            Life is so short. Live. 🙂

      • No Pebbles i dont think so. I wasnt really unfaithful, or atleast i did not intend to be. I had just become more friendlier with an old friend while i told my gf i needed a little space. God knows what i really wanted. Not like anything happened between me and this other girl. But by the time i realised what i was doing, it was too late. i had already lost the love of my life.
        I read this somewhere which made my heart bleed; “Dont risk something you cant afford to lose”
        That is exactly what I did.

    • patrol_cold says:

      Omg. Its the carbon copy of my story except for the 7 years long. Other was exactly same. Its been 3 months since things started going wrong and all i did to work out this relationship went in vain. I tried my best to say her sorry but doesn’t work at all. i wonder how the very moment of love can turn out into hatred. I ruined my exams, i haven’t been eating since the day things went bad. All i think about is that someday sometime she would be back but why the hell my mind does not accept the fact that shes gone now and for forever. I am so devastated, broke and full of pain. Gizmo, its been a year and you still feel like that? I am scared. Why does it hurts like hell. After she have done alll that a person could say. She told me it was her mistake to love me, she told me if only she could turn back the time when she never knew me, she would do that. After being treated like a bitch by her. Why still my heart is so addicted to her! Oh god, its bad. Its really very bad. I know i am not the only one here, and whenever i see peoples story i feel so sad. I just want to answer one question to you,” If your seven years of relationship ended just because of this small act, and if you tried your best to convince her and things didn’t go well, ask yourself how strong was your relationship?” Well, dear friend, shes gone now and we cannot do anything about that could we? you have done your best and it was her choice to leave you. what could we do? i know its easy for me to say you but my wound is even more fresh than Yours, it really is so bad Gizmo.
      Well you survived Your first year that’s a heroic act! Congratulation. I dont know much about what you should do but i guess life would be normal soon again. Cause the longer the relationship was the longer it takes for you to be normal again. i hope after few more weeks You would be fine. atleast i will hope that!
      patrol_cold

  • It's now my life says:

    This site has helped me through one of the most devestating times in my life. My relationship of 20 years and my marriage of 4 years ended abruptly a week ago when my husband left. He said he was unhappy and wanted to be on his own with out the responsibility of anyone else. Because we have a house to sell etc I have to have some contact with him but this time I have kept the emotion out of it. This is the 3rd time in 20 years that he has done this to me and normally I turn into a complete bunny boiler, phoning him all the time, begging him to come back. This time I have made the desperatly hard decission not to do all that. I have realised that all this only did was make him stronger knowing I was in that state. This time I am sure he is stitting there, on his own, wondering what on earth is going on. I have told everybody I know that I am not taking him back this time. I have done this to make it harder for me to break this time. It would be the easiest thing in the world to let him back into my life but I have now asked myself – would it really give me what I want – a happy life? I have realised that I basically let him off all responsibilities and let him pretty much lead his own life in the past all through my fear that saying no would make him leave. I have realised that perhaps it wasn't actully him but just somebody I needed along with the security of my life. I realise that now, now that my life has been taken away from me. We lived a quiet priveledge life – nice house, no shortage of money but he was the major wage earner and my life is going to be very different now. That is why it would be soooo easy for me to let him back in but I have to stay strong. I have to get off the “will he won't he” merry go round. I have to start living my life for me. He does not deserve me. Perhaps because I didn't set realistic boundaries it gave him the green light to cheat on me in the past. Yes, I fogave him this aswell, again all because I didn't think I could cope on my own. I now think (I don't know for sure but I am going to try really hard) I can cope on my own. I realise that he was a stronger person because of my insecutities. After 20 years together I do love him but I can't take him back this time. I have told my family the truth about everything that has happened in the past as I kept it secret from them. He has just made the biggest mistake in his life but he will only realise that in a few weeks time when he tries to contact me as he made a mistake. I have to stay strong until then as it is only after this has happened, after I say no to him, that I will truely be able to move on and take another step towards getting my life back.

    Thanks to everyone who has posted on here and to Ed as I have found his advice “empowering” during this time of complete devestation.

    Good luck to you all, stay stronger.

  • Just broke up with my girlfriend yesterday. after 7 months together. i really loved her, i did everything for her and for making her happy, she was everything to me. But she wasnt good to me sometimes, and i didn't feel needed, loved. i mean she loved me but maybe in a strange way. dunno, she never used to call me, invite me to hang out, or show some interest on me and my things. she was always waiting me to call first. i told her that many times, but she'd always tell me “well, thats the way i am”. she never made not a tiny effort to change. so i felt that i wasnt that important to her.
    when i told her that it was over she told me “ok, i respect your decision”. isn't that weird? i was only trying to make her react, so she'd tell me that she wanted to make an effort and change, because she loved me. but instead..she was simply ok with that.
    I won't call her ever again. she probably won't call me either.
    I'm okay, i think i'll be fine in a couple of weeks. it was a hard decision but i know it was the best and i hope to find someone who really loves me someday. love is something beautiful.
    i wish you the best to all, and don't you guys call your ex's! You don't need to beg to anyone for love. you deserve better.

    love you all.

    • Hey there Fabrizo, gee thats harsh aye??its fantastic u can c tha light at tha end of tha tunnel..keep ya head up .I love ya last 2 sentences,very inspiring!

  • I just broke up with a guy who I dated for almost 10 months. He deceived me. First he kept texting me, I felt bad, and texted him back, it gave him hope, and continued calling. The more he wanted to fix the problems he created, the more lie he had to tell. Last time he texted, called. I totoally ignored them. It hurts me, but I think I would get hurt more later if I kept him around. In this case I treated him as enemy, and to an enemy, the best revenge is ignore them, disdain them.

  • : sometimes it takes the breath out of you when you miss an ex so much; sometimes you cry your heart out and wail in pain out of nothing at all.

    But like the saying goes; it's always darkest before dawn. All we can do is hang tight, breathe in and out until we no longer have to remind to do that because we are already ok.

  • After three months of being apart, I still miss him every day! We have begun to have contact again and I think it's a mistake… We spoke on the phone for about a half an hour the other day about just every day stuff. It was a nice conversation and good to catch up but it left me feeling like I wanted more! He sent a text after that said it was always nice to talk. i replied that I agree.
    He moved to a new place a couple of weeks ago and after our conversation I decided to send the house warming gift I had gotten for him. He sent a “TY…:) very nice” text to me yesterday and now I'm missing him all over again…. I want so badly to call him and to tell him how I feel but I am well aware of how that will go. I will hurt and feel rejected all over again! I don't want that!
    I still don't feel this is completely over, but I will fight with all I have to keep from contacting him again for now. He'll call or text again soon enough and I'll have to make a decision on whether to answer or not.
    Someday, I know he will miss me and regret the fact that he got scared. I'm not sure if I will be here when he does, but I am certain that it will happen.
    Until then I will continue to date and live my life, making plans that do not include the possibility of “us”.

  • Tsaundra73 says:

    after being married for fifteen years to a man i've known more than half my life, i was dumped for a woman we had met the weekend of our anniversary. i didn't kick him out until the end of january. and six months later i have still been trying to “fix” a marriage that i should have walked out on two years ago. I tried to make everything about him and make him happy and it just wasn't possible. so he has moved on but kept coming back around over and over again. i have finally instituted the no contact rule and it is hard because we have a four year old. but i can do it and he is doing it as well because it had ended up getting violent last week.

  • Hollyrojas says:

    I thought I was dating the love of my life. We were friends for a year before we started dating. Each milestone in our relationship was important and done appropriately. We met and had our first date in Chicago when I was living there. Unfortunately, the project I was working on was ending so I decided to move back home to Houston. I wanted nothing more than a friendship and I made it clear that I wanted to remain friends. Little did I know that he was head over heels about me.
    At home, I started getting calls from him at least once a week for about an hour each time. We would talk about everything and anything and just to catch up as best we could. I never thought twice about what his intentions were and I never considered doing long distance. A full year goes by, we hadn’t seen each other, and he persuades me to meet up with him in Vegas for a weekend in the summer with a whole bunch of friends. We met up and as soon as I saw him I knew. I knew that I wanted to be with him and that I had missed him. He revealed to me that he had always wanted a relationship with me and that nothing would make him happier than to be my boyfriend. We told each other that the distance between us would not stop us from being together. I’m a teacher and I had already signed a contract to teach at my school for another year. Right then and there we decided that as soon as I finished the school year I would move in with him in Chicago.
    We were long distance but, we made it work. The year went by and every chance we had we would get on a plane to see each other. We were so happy. We would tell each other “I love you” all the time. He told me the most beautiful things I have ever heard. Hearing him speak so sweetly about me would always make me thank God I was with such a perfect man. I thought I was on my way to permanent happiness. Meaning, that I had met the man I was going to marry and have kids with. He was the perfect boyfriend and the sweetest most thoughtful person I had ever met in my life. Not to mention he has a career and a condo in downtown Chicago. He was ideal.
    I was supposed to move to Chicago in June. But, 3 weeks before I was supposed to move he broke up with me because he said he wasn’t ready for this type of commitment and wanted none of the responsibilities of being in a real relationship. I was devastated and cried nonstop every day. I was hurt to say the least. My dreams of a happy marriage, perfect kids and the perfect man were so quickly taken away from me by the very person that had promised me these same things. I would cry all the time. I was so confused. I put into practice the ‘NO Contact’ rule immediately. (Its worked for me in the past). I was so heartbroken that everything that had to do with him made me cry. So I deleted his phone number, blocked him on facebook, spammed his email address and blocked him on google chat. But, I was desperate and I still loved him and YES I wanted him back.
    So when he did contact me I gave in and started to talk to him again. He told me he wanted me in his life and that maybe he made a mistake and that we can work things out. So he flew me out to Chicago and we had an amazing weekend. He promised he would never do this again and that I was “the One” and that he was going to make it work. He asked me to move in with him in 2 weeks. I gave in and took him back. It was exactly what I wanted and I told myself that everyone made mistakes and that he deserved another chance. As soon as I got home I purchased my ticket to Chicago and was ready to start packing. But, soon after I returned home he did the same thing. He broke up with me over email and told me that I was perfect but that he just isn’t ready for anything serious and that maybe he will never ever be. How could he do this to me? Again?!!!
    I think back now and tell myself, “If you had only stuck to the ‘No Contact’ rule maybe I wouldn’t be so sad still maybe I would’ve been well on my way to being over him. And not gone through the same shit he put me through. But because I talked to him, and let him come back to my life so easily just so that he could lie to me and hurt me all over again, I have to deal with the consequences of putting my life back together again. Something I started to do the first time he broke up with me. I have to start from square one all over again! You see, when someone breaks up with you NO! they don’t deserve a second chance. They’re mind is already made up anything they have to say after is all bullshit. They only care about getting out of something that they don’t want to be a part of anymore. Your feelings don’t matter.
    I’m still hurting but I have to be strong and move on for real this time. And I’m going to do it by never speaking to him again. Because I know that he will contact me at some point but, I am going to be strong and never entertain him by responding back. He doesn’t deserve to hear what I have to say. I learned my lesson. The ‘NO Contact’ rule never fails. You fail yourself by not being strong enough to follow the ‘NO Contact’ rule.

    • Well, this is my take on it, and you don't have to agree with it, but maybe it'll help you:

      You might always be wondering later on in your life if he asks for you back, and you don't give into him. You'd be wondering whether or not you made a mistake in not taking back your “ideal guy.”

      I know a guy friend who was very young and he ran away from a committed relationship with a great girl. When he realized what he had done, he asked her to take him back and she wouldn't. That was several years ago, and he still feels bad about it and he still thinks about her from time to time. So guys like that do exist, and sometimes, it would've be nice for them to be given another chance. =(

      So, in letting him back in your life, you really know NOW that he's not the one. You can lead a life with no regrets, knowing that you've tried your best.

    • Franciele Thorpe says:

      Wow I am going to almost the same situation right now. It hurts so bad. Can you e-mail me so we can talk and maybe you can help me a little..
      Thanks,

      Franciele ( franciele.thorpe@gmail.com)

  • We dated for 6 months!! When we first started dating we used to see each other 2 times a week! Eventually it became less and less and we were seeing each other once every 3 weeks. He would give me excuses when i initiated more contact. During the 6 months he lost his job! I stayed with him through it! He then got a job and used that as an excuse for not seeing me enough! One day i was on his facebook page and checked “like” on one of his friends. That same night he sent me a text message that said “how dare i do that” that he doesnt get into anybodys business and doesnt like people in his business. Mind you that was the beginning of the end! He didnt call or text for 7 days after that! He ignored the text messages that i sent him so i finally sent him an e-mail! Telling him how i felt! He e-mailed me back and told me that he wasnt ready for a serious relationship and since he cared so much for me he knew he wasnt right for me at the moment! That he couldnt have anyone control him or pressure him! He told me that he wanted to stay friends because he didnt want to lose me! Like an idiot i agreed to the friendship part! For the last 2 months we have been texting or talking on the phone daily! But we have not seen each other! Well this last week the texts went from daily to every 4 days! And they became very short! I have been suffering and hurting since the breakup. But agreed to being friends because i still wanted him in my life! He is again on the on-line dating site that we met on! So he has had no problem in moving on with his pathetic life! I finally know that it was a mistake in keeping contact with him! The no-contact rule is the only way to go! I just didnt want to accept it! So today is officialy the first day of no contact!!!!!!!!! Yikes how many more to go? How many when i will not miss him? Or want to talk to him? He is emotionally unavailable! an ass-clown! Ill keep reminding myself!!!!!!!!!

    • wow Nini, that guy is a real douchebag.
      You deserve so much better.
      i hope to find someday a girl like you.
      i just broke up with my girlfriend after 7 months. she never used to call me or show interest on my things. she was weird.
      anyways. i wish you the best!

  • kate, i try so hard not to contact you. When i do its just to wish you well for competitions you are doing. When you reply u keep saying speak soon, and i don't know if you will, or if i should talk as you are not open with your feelings. Its less than 3 weeks since you said it was unfair on me to keep trying to resolve this problem. I've heard you may be seeing someone else, and i want to ask if its true. If it is, i don't want to talk to you, i love you too much. I'm over the pain, had that in the 2 months when i tried to be something i'm not, trying to get you back. Now i've found myself again, and i'm happy. I want you happy, know you would be if yo tried again. But if you could be seeing someone else, better that we have no contact ever, and i love you enough to give you that. I want to ask you so much, but i'll guess that would be the very end, whatever the answer. I wish you could understand that a relationship needs both to be open and talking, because then both know the real issues and can work them out. You loved me so much, and i just needed a little time to commit.

  • Please help! 2 months ago my ex and I broke up after being engaged. I had decided to not contact him as I was pretty much falling into his arms everytime we laid eyes on each other. My best friend answered my phone to my ex today by mistake when she was looking after my mob at work. So I had to talk to him. He said he just fancied a catch up. I called him after my meeting and we spoke for about half an hour. I was cool, calm and collected and it was a nice conversation. I have arranged to pick up my post next week in a bar. I am so excited to see him, but sooooo nervous as I don't want him to hurt me again (ie casual sex wham bam thankyou mam). Any ideas please help!

  • Moving_on says:

    It's been 2 months since our breakup and out of the blue he sends me an sms saying that he still thinks of me, asking how i am and wishing that all is well. I know that I should just ignore this but somehow it's consumed my head all day. I still love him and sometimes wish that we're back together but I know I deserve so much better.

  • >