Comments on: Success Story: How Closure Made Me Stronger

By: Meccamega

Meccamega — Sun, 16 Jan 2011 11:52:00 +0000

I envy this story above. My ex dumped me out of the blue, for no reason. Then insulted me by text. I asked for answers, but he told me to f**k off. So I’ll never have the meeting like this story. I still have no answers.

By: Ccfooty

Ccfooty — Sat, 13 Nov 2010 13:45:42 +0000

I am in the same situation… someone who says they “truly believe we'll find each other when the time is right”…. and i've asked if they never want me in their life again to tell me to go, and they say they don't want that. It makes it difficult and confusing.

By: Mandaholaway

Mandaholaway — Thu, 04 Nov 2010 17:26:12 +0000

I completely agree with you Sachao. I, too, dealt with a guy that is similar to your ex in the aspect that he is immature and can't handle putting in the effort to make a relationship work. I think one of the hardest things to accept is when you feel as though you have given 110% in a relationship, only to get half that (if not less) from your significant other. Guys and girls are totally different. That's how I feel at least. I put everything into my relationship and did what i could to make it work. Unfortunately, a one sided relationship will never work. If your significant other is not putting in the effort, then the relationship is doomed. My ex and I had been through so many ups and downs…I was his first real girlfriend-we lasted 2 and a half years. I look back on it and realize that one of the main reasons we lasted as long as we did was because of me. I tried so hard to keep that relationship together. I think I created a fantasy relationship in my mind, making things seem better than what they really were because I loved him. When I caught him cheating, lying, etc. he would never really chase after me. He would say how i deserved better. I have always felt that if you hurt somebody you “love” you will not let them walk away so easily due to a mistake you made. Again, looking back on the relationship, I can see he clearly wasn't man enough and mature enough to handle a relationship. Chances are he will be the same in his next relationship.

By: Revmdn

Revmdn — Thu, 16 Sep 2010 01:59:01 +0000

Personally I feel the need for closure. This is because she told me there was a possibility for us “in the future.” “I'm a big believer in fate”, she tells me. I've asked several time for her to tell me to leave her alone forever and I would. She told me she never wanted that, and I don't get to have that. I still don't know what that means. I however have decided to create my own closure and walk away. No contact rule for me. I deleted her contact info. If she wants me, she can try and contact me. I'm not sure how I would react, I guess it would depend on what she has to say. If it's lets give this one more chance, balls to the wall try, then ok. Otherwise, I need no more contact. Even then I may not. If I heal from this, I don't know if I could go back. So, I guess if there is no given closure, make your own.

By: Anna

Anna — Wed, 26 May 2010 21:07:08 +0000

Kelly, I admire you. What you've just said is so wise. If I only had that sober way of thinking 2 years ago, after my boyfriend asked for "more space" and then confirmed that we should stay apart.

I suffered terribly, and longed for a "clear-up" conversation and a closure... I wrote many mails but never sent them to him. I never asked him for a conversation either - mostly from the fear that this will hurt me even more.

Now, after 2 years, I've received a letter from him where he says he loves me and that he would like to restore communication with me, with close friendship and good understanding of each other. I replied by saying it was difficult for me to do that, because the trust is gone.

I keep thinking whether I still want a closure from him, now that he is so open to a dialogue... And I don't know. Maybe this is no longer necessary. What will I ask him? Do I really need to know the reasons and reasons behind the reasons for him leaving me back then? As you say, this is not going to change my future. I've made the conclusions from this experience, it's been heart wrenching to go through all this.

The only type of an ideal closure I can imagine would be just hugging each other and saying "sorry" and "thank you" to each other, and that's all. But I don't know if this would be possible.

By: berny

berny — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 04:44:54 +0000

@GoldenChildEmcee –
hi,
i guess its been 3 months since u broke up…i am sure u have got over it…how are u feeling now…well,i am in a same position..my girl friend found someone else within 2 weeks after dumping me….and that thought kills me…

By: Mishu Islam

Mishu Islam — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 17:21:02 +0000

I think closure is a necessity but not always in the same way that Sachao did. If I were in her situation I would probably do the same as long as the partner was willing like her ex. I have to give him some credit too; he did also face a difficult situation.
I had a closure with a crush(a relationship I had in my head); he didn’t respond and I accept that.

By: lila

lila — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 18:13:01 +0000

Once upon a time I was in a relationship with a guy who I thought loved me and I loved him. One day, prince charming was “busy”….then his phone “wasn’t working correctly” he “didn’t get” my texts….I confronted him and asked what was going on…just wanted honesty….he said everything was fine, then he stopped talking to me altogether..i was very hurt..i didn’t know what was going on, really. Guess I needed to be hit with a 2×4. Why couldn’t he just tell me? I think I deserved something better than him ignoring me. When I had to break up with someone, I met them face to face….it hurt like hell and was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but I did it and it was the best for both of us. Can someone tell me why in the world can’t people just be honest and mature when it comes to break ups? If you ever cared for someone, show them the consideration….be honest about your feelings. It really will help them and you in the long run!

By: Kelly

Kelly — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 19:14:25 +0000

I don’t really understand this term “closure”. I guess every situation is difficult. But last week, I was dumped by a guy who decided to sleep with is ex wife and says they need to “work stuff out” and he “needs a break”. He didn’t tell me he slept with her – he sent me an email (see other thread on things not to say when being dumped), saying his ex had come round on his birthday and said she wanted to get back together. I telephoned and asked if he slept with her. I think he was so taken aback by the question, he stumbled for a minute and said “yes”. For me, that was the “closure” I needed. I just told him to send my stuff back to me. I sent him a short, terse email but that was it. Because much as I would love to see him to rant and scream and say “How could you do this to me?” I know I don’t want to be with a man who cheated on me – and with is ex wife no less. So there is no “closure” – because I haven’t seen him or spoken to him, and it seems shocking to be in his bed one night (and then the next night his ex wife is in it), kissing him goodbye the next morning and then NEVER seeing him again. I have not discussed why he did it, what he was thinking, why he lied, cheated, etc. And I would LOVE to have that conversation with him. But where would it lead me? I know I would never trust him or want anything to do with him again – so what does a “closure” meeting achieve? Revenge? Ack. That’s just going to make me feel worse. It’s a tug – I want to see his face, understand how he could do this. I feel like he got off “easily” because I’ve not confronted him. And it seems unfair. But at the end of the day, nothing he would say or do would change the fact that I want nothing to do with him ever again, so what’s the point? I try to console myself with the knowledge that i may be sad and angry and hurt and cry a lot this week, but he’s the one that has to live with his conscience every day and come to terms with what he did to me. And if he really wants to go back to his ex wife and doesn’t tell her about me, then that’s doomed anyway. And if he does tell her and she’s willing to take him back anyway then she’s a fool – because he divorced her to be with someone else (not me) anyway. It’s tough – I don’t want him to have the satisfaction of not having to deal with me in this whole sordid mess, but revenge isn’t going to make me heal quicker.

By: J.J.

J.J. — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 22:24:02 +0000

Eddie and all,
Sharing your situations has given me the courage to write you. It has been hard to contain this frustration and lack of closure. I would love to hear your thoughts.
A bit of background, I dated this girl for almost 2 years and broke up last february. The 2 years of relationship proved hard, because we had some long distance, unemployment in her part and risk of losing my job while I had bought the apt where she was going to move in with me. She comes from a broken family. So a lot of fears are in her head already. I am no angel, although my family has been more united than hers. Anyhow, with all this stress last february, I ask her for a bit of space/help and she freaked out, I wasn’t breaking up but she got anxious to the point that she reacted in a way that made me want to break up. After the break up, unfortunately Eddie, we didn’t follow your rule of no contact (in hindsight we should’ve). She first tried but I was frustrated with her lack of solidarity in a stressful time. Then I finally worked it around my head and when I came back (after a few weeks) she pulled away and said she was really hurt by me. This hurt me again and I felt it was a game, so I ended things (again). We didn’t talk for a few weeks or so. When we finally did (after 3 months of the breakup) when I wanted to talk, she said she decided to go out with this guy (a co-worker). I was livid, because she was the jealous one (I can be too) but someone she had ‘been friends w/ for a while’ but had a gf too and broke up w her to date my ex. I told her what I have learned and she said she was giving him a chance. I decided to let go. And to noones surprise, while dating him, she would still txt me how I hurt her so much, and how she hadn’t moved on and other hot/cold messages like that. She would see me every 4 days or so, while nothing really happened except talking, she was still dating this dude. She said she wasnt serious, until recently when she admitted ‘he was going too fast’. It hurts me that she introduced him to the family so fast. Might be more the ego hurt, I am not sure, but it really hurts knowing that know, especially since she was deceiving saying it wasn’t serious. They broke up after 2-3 months. She then started talking to me more often, we would go out for dinner and she would tell me she was just scared of giving me a chance, because the break-up put her on the edge, and she was so scared of us getting there too. I have since June been supportive in everything, from her buying a place, the marathon she ran, and being available. Somehow along the way, my mistakes seemed to have weighted more, and I took the break up as my fault, and her behavior as justified? The last months before the holidays she was getting closer to be together (she didn’t want to be ‘official’ she was scared). She said she didn’t know how to take the next step and wanted to get over her fears. Right during thx giving holidays and xmas, she pulled away. It was all of the sudden. Messed me up.
She said it reminded her of last years. When I needed a big favor during xmas after she apologized for being distant, she said she could (pick up some paperwork from my apt) and then she changed her mind. It hurt me to know I couldnt count on her, especially in time of crisis. I don’t really ask for many things. She felt bad and asked for communication again, send emails saying she knew she had to decide whether to go for it or not, but that she didn’t know how to, that it was a big risk because of the hurt of last year. I have been pretty good to her especially the last months, and all of our arguments have still been over last years things.
Anyhow, last week after in the morning sending sweet messages, and telling me: you know you could call or reach out sometimes too? although when I messaged her months ago, she would feel ‘pressured’. Later in that day, we were having a conversation where it felt like she just wanted to be reassured that I was not going to hurt her, and it was going well, then all of the sudden it’s like she remember the anger from last year and she just said she couldnt do it. So I asked if that was the end and she said yes. I asked then we needed to stop communication totally.
Now a week later, I find myself still shocked, things improved in the last 2 wks and she was more constructive on our relationship and she pulled away. She said it stressed her out to talk about us all the time and wasnt getting her closer to me. But I wanted to go back to us too. We have not talked/txted/emailed.
I think this is the end for good. But I feel like there are some things left I wanted to say. Like in the marathon, I feel like she left right before the end. I want to tell her it was not fair to have send those messages earlier those days if her intent was to finish things.
It kills me a bit to know she is better at blocking things off from her head, and to know that I am still hurting. I am trying to put things in perspective, bring her down from the pedestal, but part of me still doesn’t know or want to let go. Even when she broke up, she didn’t seem sure. I asked for a goodbye hug, and she didnt want to give it to me. Like if she were angry. I was hesitant whether to contact her and ask her if it was a rash decision she made (and now she’s being proud) or realize the other possibility: she chose not to be with me.
Any thoughts, advice from you guys would be great during this hardship. I feel it’s just been almost a year of sadness and not sure how to go from here. Thank you