Everyone who has ever started following the No Contact Rule knows about its relentlessness, even its cruelty sometimes.
But once we understand that the rule is actually there to protect us from even more pain, sorrow and disappointment – once we realize that breaking it means a huge leap backward in our recovery, following it gets a little bit easier.
But how do we come to such an understanding?
Well, first of all, many of us break the No Contact Rule before the 60 days run out and experience the devastating consequences.
This often works as a “reset” to get us back on track and motivates us to start the healing process finally.
Or we simply know and trust that breaking the rule means facing a completely changed Ex, and everything unpleasant that comes with it.
Sometimes the fear of such an experience is simply enough to keep you on track.
I miss you. I can't call, because it would only hurt me.
I found the above quote on a forum somewhere, and it really touched me deeply.
Standing there all on its own, an outcry of a bleeding heart.
The No Contact Rule and all its pitfalls condensed into just a few words.
A No Contact manifest.
Is the rule cruel? Oh yes, it is … but it is also just.
Use this quote as a reminder to hang in there, and to NOT contact your Ex. No matter how much you want to.
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
Thank you so much Wendy for your kind and wise words of encouragement. 🙂
today is the beginning of NC day 4. My son came down from up north to visit, in the middle of this, so it kind of forced me to have a good time. I took him to Union Station yesterday and felt so emotional and cried so hard to see him off. It felt good to be with my sons all together again for a short time. I had a nightmare that I felt so desperate and sad and had to call my ex with all my being but I could never dial the phone right, I kept dialing the wrong number and felt very sad. I woke up with stricken fear. I immediately jumped on this sight and read some things and calmed my self down. I’m feeling a little doubt right now and although its only been a few days, which should be a piece of cake compared to how long he’s ignored me before, I feel really estranged from him and the thought of calling him feels so unnatural, like it would be wrong. Because the last few times we made up, it did feel wrong, it took me some time to feel the same each of those times and I felt resentment and guarded with him. And even more so now. The only reason I can think of why I feel this way so soon is because I think deep down in my soul I feel it’s the right thing for me. Or I’m just traumatized by the whole experience of him. Nevertheless I am determined to stay on track and am so thankful for Eddie and each and everyone on here, good things.
Today is a very difficult day. The “collateral damage” from a breakup is harsh. My own family is not close at all, but my ex-girlfriend’s family is big and tight-knit. I loved the feeling of being a part of the big family gatherings, and I know they must be all getting together today for Father’s Day, which makes me feel even more alone and depressed.
Hello Richard, I feel your pain. I am an only child and have a very small family and no father. My ex has a large family and today is celebrating gathers day and a graduation dinner tonight for his daughter. I WAS invited 2 weeks ago but now that he broke up with me, I’m obviously not. Holidays are especially hard for me and I feel sometimes its just not fair. After seeing all the ads and signs heck even spam on my email coming through about Father’s Day, I avoided going to church with a friend who invited me to not be reminded. I’m sorry you feel alone today, but please know that you’re not. I decided to pick up a nice meal, my favorite drink at Starbucks, and watch a movie and just enjoy my day. Little things that make me happy.
A friend called to check up on me today and was so intense and adamant about me stuffing down my feelings about my ex that it made me depressed talking to her. I had to say I needed to let her Ho and that I have a support system that understands what I’m going through and encourages me to feel and take care of myself. It felt awful and made me tense up and just powerless like I wanted to just call my boyfriend for soothing, but jumped on here as fast as I could to remember that I need to remove those who cause me to hurt more than I feel happy with them.
Take care dear one and take it one minute at a time. I think I read somewhere on one if eddies blog to have 3 good things to think of that make you happy when those thoughts about them creep up. We can do this. 🙂 and a better day for us will be here soon.
Haloo Richard, Tina and Wendy,
I have been reading this blog. how encouraged i am that am not alone in this bitter wind of lonliness. Mine is a long story! so i met this man online thru a group on facebook. we became friends At the time i was in a relationship but one that i was not happy about. So this new friend lets call him Tom. i became so close to him, he really cared for me n gave me everything, was there for me when i needed him. He introduced me to his cousins and friends as his wifey invited me for get togethers. All this time i opened up to him n told him of the bad relationship i was in and he encouraged me not to settle for less.
So his dad passed on n i was there for him he had no one else to talk to esp because he had to put a brave face before the mother n the sister but at night when we talked he would break down. I assured him that i would be there. Things were good for us until begining of (2 days after i had officially broken up with my unhappy boyfriend)May when he asked whether we could date. Truth is i dint know i had fallen for him until he asked the question and i told him i dint think so. so hurt was he that day he said he had grown to love me! So that night when i went home to sleep we did not talk as we always did and i realized i loved him i missed him! Next day i woke up realizing my mistake n called him telling him i was willing to try but there he was, saying i had already decided that we cannot be. I begged him n cried and told him i loved him. But he was not ready to change his mind.
I have been trying to this NC rule to try and see if i can have him back but its too hard for me! i cant help but think he will get someone else! so av been sendin those “hey how a u messages” which he responds very well n we chat via text like for 10 minutes i do not revesit our “can we date” issue when we are chatting. instead i massage his ego with some nice but honest comments bout him n his work .then we go silent, i do this after a week and realizing that he wont initiate contact.
i this is the second month and nothing is forthcoming tho when we chat he sounds like the caring him i have always known. he even tells me to keep warm n to take care of myself. But i want more! i want him to call me like he used to. i want him to take care of me like he used to. none of this is forthcoming tho, so i want to start the NC from today (we had a chat yesterday) BUT do u pple think there is a chance i will have him back? we have romanced before but have never had sex.
Anna,
I am sure you have heard this before “if it is meant to be, it will be”. I know you are scared to do the NC rule, because he may venture eleswhere. You have to be strong and do it. If he truly cares about you, he won’t go eleswhere. When he stops receiving messages from you, he will wonder about you and start missing you. He will think to himself ” wow, she is actually moving on with her life and is doing so with out me in it”. Please give your self the respect and the dignity to stick to the NC rule for 30 days. I just broke the 30 day rule and contacted my ex, wishing him a happy birthday and a small very heartfelt email about our 1 year relationship. He never replied back. As much as that hurts me, It shows me his true colors that he never cared and he used me. I am not going to give him another thought or emotion. Why would I want to work so hard to keep a relationship ? Why woudl you want to work so hard to get him back? Let him go. If he truly is “the one” you will know. In the mean time, take care of yourself first. 🙂
I also feel that I can’t sit around and wait for his dad to pass away to be with him. I can’t even believe he said that. 🙁 knowing them for 2 years I cared about them also. He can be so cruel and that also is a concern for a future with him. My confidence is so low today. I stayed home today because I really feel I can’t function. He’s having a big party for his daughters graduation on Father’s Day he told me about last week and now I am shut out of his life and life events. It’s happened before on birthdays and other holidays. Being a woman I feel it so hurtful and creates a lasting negative memory in those days. The few friends I’ve told say leave him!!!! I know it’s easy to say when you’re not involved, but my choice to begin the NC rule is because before him I was loving life so much and happy and more connected. It’s time to really take care of myself now. I feel he’s so rough that my heart has been in a blender. 🙁
Hello Tina,
I am glad you reached out to the blog here. We are all here to support you and help you in any way. I am very sorry for your hurt. From what I read, it appears he has a lot going on in his life and it seems you do as well. Doesn’t give him the excuse to treat you like this no matter what is happening in his life. Don’t give him the control and power over you. It is now time you are in command of your life and I am happy to see that you blocked his calls and emails. This type of man is very selfish and you seem very patient and kind and loving.
You said your life was happy and more connected before this joker came along. Get control over your emotions, easier said then done, and be happy and love lilfe again. Get it out of your system…it is ok to cry and to be upset and hurting, but not for too long ok? Get up every morning and say, I am beautiful and I am worth it and make sure you smile. There is an entire world out there full of good men/and good woman. Life is gift and you get a 2nd chance now at finding someone who will RESPECT you, love you and treat you, and provide for you the way you should be.
I understand your pain and suffering. There is so much confusion and no closure. I have been through all these emotions and plus many more. I just came to realize that I am in control of my feelings, not him. HE will not do this to me or my mind or my body anymore, as he is NOT deserving of my thoughts.
Stay focused on your decision and stick to it. You will be better off in the long run. I promise~!
Wendy …..what would wendy do.com coming soon.
NC-day2. I found this site a while ago and since my relationship has been a roller coaster and he’s broken up with me about 15-20 times or ignored me for days upon weeks, I felt the next explosion he had I would be more prepared. He takes care of his dying dad and lives with them and works graveyard and coaches kids sports. He’s amazingly friendly and funny and nice yet a duplicity of sarcastic, controlling and mean and angry. He freaks out from time to time and always says its because of his ‘parents’. I’ve believed it because I’ve seen the amount of stress he’s dealing with and have been very understanding and patient. But we had a miscommunication over the weekend after he spent Friday night with the other coaches and all day Saturday practicing with the girls. He made plans for us that night earlier in the week and called me after practice early evening, I was running late and was in the shower and missed the call (that was the first I heard from him since Friday daytime), thinking he’d just come over like he usually does I continued to get ready and didn’t call back right away. About 8pm I tried to call and text and no answer. He finally called me at 9 and was being sarcastic saying I didn’t call him back!! And I said so your blowing me out? Meaning standing me up w/o calling and he went on to say his dad was having bathroom issues and a nurse was coming over and hung up on me (another one of his favorites). He ignored me for 2 days and I text asking him to please call to talk about this the right way. He TEXT me that since he was dealing with all of that and I thought he was “blowing me off” a break is needed! and he will call me AFTER his dad passes and if that’s something I can’t handle or find someone else, he understands and he does love. Honestly, I have Never been demanding of his time ever!! If anything I have always said to go check on his dad because I would never want anything to happen when he’s with me. I have even backed off giving him space some weekends to spend with him. And I’m devastated that he’s so fickle and can break it off for a miscommunication or maybe it was what I said that made him mad. But he does manage to coach all weekend and during the week or miss work for events he wants to attend during the week. And has told me before that he puts me last because he puts himself last and I am a part of him. He can’t say no to other people and everyone thinks he’s so wonderful. He said he can’t give his all as long as he’s taking care if his dad. Maybe reality is setting in because at first he pursued me and tried really hard and talked about marriage with me and living together and now he just can’t give me anything. I’m sure he’s at his breaking point but I feel that I have been a strong support for him and he doesn’t care. My mom is also sick and in and out of the hospital and I feel like he would abandon me if the shoe was on the other foot. I told myself that the next time he broke up I would not try and fight it or try to calm him down and reason with him. So I let it be, I didn’t explain my side if the story and just said I agreed and also in an attempt to make a clean break told him not to worry about contacting me after his dad passes and it’s best to just move on. Because there is still the issue of his mean temper and just the way he treats me. And the drama, I’ve never experienced that with a man before but he has so much drama and has brought many problems into our relationship and I try to keep unnecessary things out in hope to guard it. I can’t help but say I am in love with him and I guess I hoped for something wonderful to happen! He’d propose to me anyway, or we would see each other more,etc… He would always say things likes he couldn’t wait til that time comes for us to travel or spend more time together.:( and now I just can’t allow my heart to be open for more hurt that comes out of his anger. I blocked his numbers and email. Not that he will even call because the longest he’s ignored me was 3 weeks, and he had really been mean. but this time feels different, he was so definite about his decision. I feel I need to just let him go.:(
If you ever want to chat with me outside the blog.
wendy underscore thrush at yahoo dot com.
Wendy,
Thank you for your response. We’ve been married for 9 months. But weve been together for 5 years. Im really because this happened to me. I was really surprised that she did that to me because were truly in love with each other except when I got busy with work. I’ve told her that I forgive her and willing to trust her again and start all over. But she’s really the one who had trust issue. When were bf and gf shes paranoid and easily get jealous. She even chcked my phone every time. I tried to understand her because her ex bf cheated on her.
Hello Ben,
Only 9 months and she is cheating? Wow…so bascially in the 5 yeras you were together, she could have been cheating as well and you would not even know it. 70 percent of couples cheat without the knowledge of the other one knowing……I hate to sound harsh here but if I were you, I would file for an annulment and move on with life. I don’t know how old you are, but if you are young, why waste time on someone who can’t love you as much as you love them? Bottom line is, is she says she “loves you so much you are the man of her dreams, blah blah blah then why did she cheat in the first place? Love is the bind that ties……one would never do what she did if you truly love someone to begin with.
I am in your corner though and I wish you the best and try to heal. I can’t tell you what to do but take a long look at your life and what is happending right now.
Wendy 🙂
There is nothing more painful than being in love with someone who doesn’t feel the same way. Monday, I confronted the girl I’ve been dating for six months, because I went online and saw her profile on the dating websites was not only still there, she was still active (I had deleted my profiles months ago). I asked her how she felt about me, and she said she didn’t like the way I would introduce her to my friends and family as “my girlfriend” (and this is after dating for half a year!).
Yesterday I wrote her a long email, explaining how much I cared for her and how hurt I was by her actions. I ended it with “What do you want to do? Work it out, take a break, or call it quits?” A short while after that, I got a three-word response: “Call it quits.” No thanks, no goodbye, no good luck.
As you can well imagine, I’m pretty devastated right now. I woke up in the middle of the night, tossing and turning, trying to think of where I went wrong, and what I could have done differently.
The bottom line is–nothing. As much as I loved her, she didn’t feel the same about me, and there was nothing I could have done to change that.
Richard,
I am very sorry that happened to you. I was actually living with my boyfriend for the past year and he was on the dating site , active member, talking to other woman. I know exactly how you feel and he too, called it quites and left. Would not even give me closure or an explaination. I praise you for having enought strength to walk away. I know it is tough trying to figure it out, but unfortunately, you have to make peace with it and move on.
I wish you the best!
Wendy
Hurts like hell, doesn’t it, Wendy? I’m at work as I write this, and I feel like I’m in a fog. All I can think about is memories of all the happy times we had together. I’m my head, I know she wasn’t good for me and I need to move on, but unfortunately, I can’t just flip my feelings like turning off a light switch.
I’m dreading the first weekend without her…
Richard,
It does hurt like hell. I am 3 weeks into it, and his birthday is on Monday. It has been painful for me too. I drunk emailed him an I MISS U the other day and I got nothing in return. I vowed now not to drink anymore until I am fully healed. We deserve better and we will get better.
It is a long road ahead for us, but we will get there. :):):)
Wendy
Thanks for your kind words, Wendy. Feel free to post here anytime you need support, and of course I will do the same.
hi wendy. well first 4 years when were bf and gf i guaranteed that she did not cheat because she stayed home with her parents and shes not allowed to leave late at night. it just happened when she said i ignored her and didnt have time for her. heres the thing ive been texting her that we should fix our separation papers and fix legal issue so we can both be free. but guess what no response. i realy want her to cooperate so we can plan when were gonna file, if shes willing to sign it, and other questions. but how come shes not responding. she should be eager to response so we can be both be free. how am i gonna approach this issue? like how would i kow plans how to fix this , she should cooperate too. shes the one that did this situation. thank you wendy.
Hello Ben,
What State do you live in? I would not mess with her or the paper work anymore. Depending on what State you reside in, go to your local courthouse and file your paper work and have her served. If you are truly serious on wanthing to end the relationship and move forward. Why would you even want to give her the satisfication of being in control over this. Take the power back, take control over it and show her you are serious. She may think she has you wrapped around her finger. DONT LET THAT HAPPEN…..be rid of this as soon as possible and start working on being single and healing yourself. ( She is living with another man—– man, come on, get some __ALLS and be firm! ( saying that in a caring way )
I have this stupid fantasy that a lot of people can probably relate to. I have this hope in my heart that in weeks (or even months) my ex-girlfriend will miss me and realize what a great guy she gave up. Twice before we had problems and I did NC, and after two weeks she emailed me and said she missed me, and we worked things out.
Why does hope die so hard?
Ahh Richard,
I understand what you are saying. My question is , why would want to put all that hope and energy into a person who clearly isn’t ” all that in to you” or, you wouldn’t be in this situation. She will certainly miss you and as long as you are hoping she comes back and giving her the opportunity to think it is ok to “contact you whenever she wants to ” and you will welocme her back with open arms, she will continue doing this to you and you will forever be in this cirlce of…crap, and you are missing the opportunity of dating someone wonderful that is ready to committ and is waiting for you. …You know again, I can not stress enough that there is a reason these things happen. You seem like a nice, intelligent man. Be firm and stick to the No contact rule and do not respond to her at all. Go out and have fun with friends!! 🙂
Wendy
Thanks for the pep talk, Wendy. Isn’t it funny how it’s easy to give advice, but hard to take it? I’ve said your similar words to others on this forum to help them be strong–but now that I’M the one in that situation, I’m a wreck!
Oh dear Lord…I should laugh about it–better than crying.
Richard, yes laugh about it. Truly, smile each day and love yourself. happiness comes from with in my friend. If you shine on the inside, you will be so attractive to other woman, trust me, I am one, and I find strong, very confident men very attractive. Forget her, there are more woman out there than just that one , right? You have a lot to offer someone.
Her loss for sure, big time and she will come back around and want you again…especially if she knows you are doing fine with out her. Don’t give her that glory of hearing about you being unhappy or “still not over her”.
Yes, better to give advice than follow it, but I am getting stronger every day. Everytime I think about him I think about all the things that were not good in the relationship and it makes it eaiser for me… 3 weeks out and stronger every day!
Hello Ben,
I know what you feel, I’ve been through that. If you want to know my story look for my comment on the “A message from your future you” thread. Cheated in the worst possible way, and she left with the new guy. Then she called me, saying she loves me etc. Took her back, and she left again.
The only advice I can give you is one you don’t want to hear, like I didn’t want to hear it either. Forget her.
This is excruciating, because of all the love you have poured into this relationship, and all the good memories, and the good qualities I’m sure she has. But, honestly, those “I love you”s while leaving for someone else don’t mean AT ALL what you would like them to.
They mean “I feel bad for being so dishonest, so I give you something to soothe your pain and feel a little bit better myself, so I don’t have to face the shame of having behaved in such a coward way”. They don’t mean much more than that. That is the very sad truth.
If a woman truly LOVES someone, she will fight like a lionness to have him (back). The rest is just… well, words.
She basically can’t do but more harm to you right now,
Wendy’s advice is excellent. If there is the slightest chance for her to come back (but, would that be a good thing for you? I know you think so… but someday maybe you’ll think differently, just like me), is through you putting in place NC, trying to heal, and let her figure out what is really worth in her life.
Montague,
I think you’re right man if she really loves me she will fight for me.. I’m just so disappointed and depressed because she decided to choose the guy over me. There’s a feeling inside of me that I still love her and anger for not fighting for us. All my life i treated her right. Its just so hard for me to forget her. I miss her before I go to bed and still longing to see her wake up with me in the morning. I wonder if I can still someone like her, we were so compatible. But like what you said I should just forget her even it hurts and I’m missing her so bad.
Thanks Montag, you and are on the same boat! I am only 3 weeks in to the NC rule and I messed up and sent a drunk email that I missed him. Of course he did not respond, and why should he? It was only after I was sober dide I realize to myself, why would I miss some one who cheated on me? it is not HIM i miss but what I had. I know there there is one good guy left for me, when the time is right, he will be placed in my life. I have totally learned from this experience and now have set such high standards, it seems impossible to find someone who will meet them! LOL…but in the meantime, I am going to work on taking care of my children, myself and live a happy life and no matter what, I vowed to smile every day, whether it takes everything I have to do so, I am going to do it. You’d be surprised how a simple smile can change your day!
Hello everyone, i am here for the reason that im broken hearted right now. me and my sife separated because she cheated on me. i found out and i tried to accept her back and provided a choice for her if she wants me or the other guy. she was crying and devastated too for what happened. shes been cryin and telling me how sorry,ashamed and guilty she was for what she did to our marriage. shes living with the guy right now but she texted me last week that to keep what we had and she cares for me a lot. but how can she say that if shes living with the guy. her problem was the reason she left me was because i didnt have time for her at that time i was working double shift and came home just to sleep. i know it was my fault too but its not a reason for her to find somebodys affection. last time i saw her personally was when i went to her work weeks ago for her to come home but she asked me ” what if she loves the guy?” and i told her that i cant do anything, i tried my best and its up to her to fight for us now si i hugged her tight and she hugged me tight and said ” i love you” but took it back and as a friend.. then i hugged her back again and while shes leaving she said “i love you” again and she was crying. i dont know what to do now. been texting her and calling her and no answers. its been the toughest days of my lives. if i could just turn back time and make everything right. is there any advice you guys can give me. i am so devastated right now and dont know what to do anymore..
Ben,
How many years have you been married? I guess the BIGGEST question I have for you is, “are you able to forgive her and regain all trust in her again?” I think when cheating is a factor, it is the hardest issue one can face. The fact that she has moved in with him and is contacting you as well, shows me SHE is the unstable one and has NO idea what she wants, and doesn’t care whom she is hurting, you included. . Perhaps the NC rule would work best to help HER figure out her feelings and not be bouncing back and forth. If you truly care about her, you would initiate the NC rule immediately and let HER figure out what she wants and it will give you the space and peace YOU need to heal for YOU.
I was just in this similiar situation, but not married. I know what you are going through and you have to know that right now YOU have to come first for YOU. Please don’t rush in to any rash decisions . Think it out and keep in mind it is a huge world out there and life should be shared with someone who is has similiar values and morals as you do. Don’t fall prey to the victim. Stand strong, be strong and stop all communication and work on YOU.. Trust me, you will thank me later.
Wendy
I am in a pickle! I have had no contact with my ex for 6 months. Our mutual friends want us to go on vacation with them in 2 months. So it would be me my ex and the two friends who happen to be married. in the past we would always go on vacation together when my ex and I were together. My ex of course has agreed to go on vacation and that he for sure only wants to be friends nothing more.
I want to go obviously because it would be a vacation AND maybe it would be my time to show my ex what he gave up and that I have moved on with my life. BUT then again I know the feelings I have right now and I am still brokenhearted. When I even see a picture of my ex I feel all the blood rushing to my face. Maybe I won’t feel like that in 2 months when vacation time has rolled around…
What do I do! ? Please help!
Here is my opinion, and I’m also 6 months since I’ve talked to my ex and since our break up.
Don’t do it!!! A few weekends ago I just saw my ex driving her car with a bunch of people in it, and that threw me back A LOT! I was requestioning everything, and wanting to contact her, etc. While in 2 months you may be completely healed, if you’re not it could push you much farther back and take much longer for you to get back to a stable place.
Instead, maybe consider taking a vacation alone. It will give you lots of time to develop yourself without the pressure of trying to impress your ex. Don’t go on vacation with him of your heart isn’t completely healed!
Just my 2 cents. I have actually asked my mutual friends not to mention my ex or anything they may find out, until I have completely healed from it, at least.
I wish you all the best
I wouldn’t, it seems like way too painful of a situation to put yourself in, or it would be for me. Spend the money and time doing something that will leave you feeling better and skip the vacation w the ex and pals. Love yourself too much to do that to yourself, if that makes sense? Good luck!
Hello Wendy, I’m thinking of you. Hang in there.!!
Stef
Thanks Stef!
It has been 2 weeks today since he has moved out and on. I have not heard from him, nor will I contact him. I am just taking it one day at a time.
Wendy, as tough as this is, if he was the one who broke up with you, you have to realize that you can’t make him hurt because he doesn’t care. There’s no reason to torture yourself or over-analyze the situation. Think of a relationship in your past where the guy was really crazy about you, but you didn’t feel the same way about him. Was there anything he could have said or done to have made you feel guilty or change your mind? Of course not! That’s the perspective you need to see your current situation in. Break off all contact with your ex immediately. The sooner you do, the sooner the healing can begin.
I’m the one who kicked him out he initially wanted to sweep it u set the rug. He used me.
It’s very tough
Hello,
My live in boyfriend of a year has broken up with me. I found him talking to another woman with an on line dating site. I still love him and I wanted to work it out, but he packed up and left and even transferred to another town, about 45 min away. I have had no contact for 7 days after a very verbally insulting show down by the both of us. I have decided to the NC rule for as long as it takes for ME to get better. I am not 100 percent perfect and I am sure my insecurities got the best of him. I know what I need to do to work on myself. As of today, I am not sure if he would ever consider being together again or if this is a clean break. I sure would love to know he is missing me. Please give me some suggestions….
Wendy, I know exactly how you feel. Being 6 months past the worst heartbreak of my life with the woman I thought I was going to marry, I can assure you I experienced those exact feelings. The best thing you can do right now is live for you, don’t assume there is something wrong with you, someone out there is looking for exactly what you have to offer. If he was on an online dating site while you were dating, you’re better off without him. I know that’s not what you wanted to hear, but I hope in time you see it.
Its taken me a very long time and a very large support network to get to where I am, and while I still have setbacks, I am very confident the next girl I meet will be a much better match for me. Hang in there, keep yourself busy, and do things you’ve always been afraid to do or always wanted to do. I never thought I would go bungee jumping, but I did it 3 months after my breakup!
If it’s meant to be you’ll find each other again, if not you’ll find someone even better!
Thank you Colin–I’m still having a hard time understanding how someone could do this to a person who gave him everything-He used my car, stayed at my house, and was able to see his kids because of me. I totally feel like I was being taken advantage of how can someone be so cold hearted? How do they sleep at night? This one will be hard for me to overcome as I gave him my heart and he stomped on it.
I feel very insecure, unattractive, and not Worthy because of him I am back to square one trying to rebuild self-esteem
I can’t even think about going out on a date or even meeting people and everybody keeps telling me to get over it and move on not that simple
No, it’s not that simple at all. I was told the same thing right after my breakup and got quite angry when I was told that. Just take each day at a time, and you’ll eventually look back and see how different you see things. Just be patient and love yourself. My self-esteem was ripped apart too. I know what you’re going through.
It has only been a week and one day-Since he has moved out it feels so different not having him here- I thought this was my soulmate I feel horrible for sending him an email yesterday telling him that I will always love him kind of makes me look pathetic? I just want him to hurt as much as IM hurting and I don’t think he is 🙁
Well after having my sister send a text to get me my bracelet back, he sent me a message saying we could arrange a time and place to meet, and he was thinking we could go out to dinner and talk. This was on Day 9 of NC, and I gave in and texted him saying we didn’t have anything to talk about b/c we want different things, but I’d think about dinner. I went to dinner, had a great time, went to the movies, and out after. He was romantic and amazing, and I don’t regret going, except that I didn’t speak my mind and he never said what he supposedly wanted to talk about. I texted him today, I’m tired of going in circles and I’ve accepted that we want different things even though we love each other, but if we aren’t going to move forward then we need to stop seeing each other. Tomorrow will be the 2nd attempt at NC, and I don’t think I would have ever broken in the first time had he not texted me first. It is so hard to cut off someone you love, but he broke my heart, keeps playing games, and doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me.
I don’t even know where to begin except that I hate that I am not moving past the loss of my relationship as fast as he has. The very thought of dating doesn’t sit well with me and I often get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I don’t even know why I am allowing this man, who has made such cruel statements about my character which are completely false, to bother me. I’m not the one who moved on with someone else so soon like he has. I know for me, I need time to get to that point. I had seen him yesterday, with his new girlfriend and though it tore me up inside as I walked by, I held my head high and pretended it didn’t phase me. Then I came home and just cried. It’s hard living in the same apartment complex with him, I never know when he’s back home from being with her or going to see her. So when I’m out walking the dogs, it’s always a hold my breath kind of moment. I do seem to have the unfortunate luck to see him when he is leaving to catch the bus to be with her. I am, if nothing else, getting stronger mentally, but until I am completely over him, I have a lot of depressing moments. I pray everyday that I will just wake up and all this will be just a memory and I will be in a happy place mentally.
31st day of NC, and she’s just written me to ask to help her out getting back her cat, which still lives at my place.
I told her I won’t be there, but she says she needs help. Gosh why must it be SO HARD to tell her I WON’T ? For my sake ? Because seeing her just HURTS ? Why do I feel like a jerk only for telling her I won’t ? Maybe because it amounts to openly admitting that I am still not voer her ?
Is she doing that on purpose just to prove me that seeing me has no effect whatsoever on her ?
I feel like dying inside…
Hi Montag,
Would it surprise you that they are in fact often doing that on purpose? They are doing it for lots of reasons…
Don’t feel bad because you are looking out for yourself and telling her NO, your recovery is the most important thing right now… selfishness regarding your Ex is self-preservation at the moment.
Your friend,
Eddie
thanks for your reply Eddie.
Should I explicitly tell her “I don’t want to see you”? I’d like to ask her back the necklace I offered her as a birthday gift, now that I know that she was already cheating me back then. It just feels so childish, and useless…
Just tell her that you need time to heal and process things and don’t want any contact.
As for the necklace, I would wait with that and maybe after a few months ask a third party like a friend or a family member to get it for you.
That’s what I did. I told her I cannot see her right now.
She answered she was sorry to know that.
As if she didn’t expect me not to be able to forget everything (the cheating, the breakup) after only 3 months. It hurts to feel so much indifference and lack of basic empathy.
But she’s happy now, all her scheming and cheating had her a new relationship, a wealthy lifestyle, a well paid job. No reasons for her to linger on the past.
Well I blew it. I broke down and sent a text message about three or so weeks ago. Which started a string of text messages that seem to indicate he was thinking about me. By the way, I was the dumper.
I really thought there was hope that we could build something new and different. We had dinner last night and I cried the whole time. He is doing really, really good — going back to school, quitting the tobacco chew. All things I wanted him to take care of when we were together. And now it hurts……..He talked about how he found “himself” again — and made it sound like there wasn’t room in his life for a committed relationship.
He said he missed his friend TJ and I said I missed my friend too. And later that night, I sent a text saying I missed my lover. I got a smiley face this more — as if that wasn’t more proof that there’s nothing there.
I am devastated. Please, if you are the praying kind, say one for me.
Oh TJ, I will say a prayer for you. My heart goes out to you. Stay strong.
I am on day 5 of NC and I think my biggest fear is that he will attempt to contact me first.
A little background about the breakup: He broke up with me about 13 months ago via text message and when I woke up the next morning, he had already deleted me and all of my friends from facebook. We had been together officially for 8 months at that point and had been dating for a year. He had broken up with me twice before over stupid fights, once in person and once over the phone, but when I saw that he had deleted me on facebook, I thought wow this is for real.
Over the past year, it has been nothing but drama, him saying he doesn’t know what he wants, me trying to move on and date other people, him getting upset with me for dating other people. I don’t think we’ve ever gone more than 6 weeks without talking and 2 months without seeing each other, and that was a few months ago. I was the one who initiated contact again after things didn’t work out with another guy, and have since realized what a huge mistake it was. Every 2-3 weeks, he sends me a long text saying something along the lines as he doesn’t want a relationship right now, or I’m further along in my career and I deserve better. Then within a few days, he contacts me asking me to hang out again. 3 weeks ago, I sent him an email telling him how I was feeling and ended it by telling him to please leave me alone and stop doing this to me. Within 5 days, he texted me, and I ignored him, but then 2 days later he sent a text asking me to hang out a week later, and that was always one of our biggest fights- him refusing to make plans ahead of time, so I agreed.
After I went, I felt anxious and upset for days after, and decided the next time we hung out, I had to tell him in person that I can’t live like this anymore. A little over a week ago, I went over and hung out and finally got the courage to tell him how I was feeling. I told him I loved him, asked him if he loved me, and he said yes, and asked why he keeps doing this to me, and he just kept saying he didn’t know. He said he doesn’t see the point in hanging out more than once a week, didn’t want a label, and didn’t want anything serious, but wanted to see what happened. I said that wasn’t what I wanted, and said once I leave, you will never see me again, and left. But he texted me and convinced me to turn around by telling me he loved me. Before I Left again, I asked him if we were on the same page, that we were going to work on us and that we loved each other and there was no one else, and he said yes, I love you.
I didn’t hear from him for 3 days after, and something in my gut told me to check the online dating site that we met on, and sure enough he was an active member and had been active within 24 hours. I sent him a text asking why he would be on there if he didn’t want a serious relationship and I would never trust him again, and he told me he hasn’t trusted me since last summer when I dated someone else, even though I was completely honest about it and hadn’t seen him or spoken to him in weeks when I went out with the other guy.
I have accepted that I am at partially at fault for the original break up, and for putting up with his behavior for the past year. My question is, what do I do if he contacts me? I’ve been keeping a journal with everything I’d want to say, but haven’t sent it. Do I send him the generic NC response, or just ignore him like he’s ignored me when he didn’t feel like dealing with it? I’ve had severe anxiety and situational depression only related to him, and every time I talk to him or see him, it triggers it.
hey monty, i know im not really at liberty to say much about your situation but from what you have said it sounds like something thats really really horrible to be in. the idea behind the no contact rule is that there is ment to be no contact, whether or not you have things to say. write them down, but keep them. when he txts dont reply, when he calls, dont answer. yeah its hard, very hard. and your emotions and feelings are tied up in this guy and i bet it feels like you have no control over them whatsoever. the thing is no matter how uncontrollable you find the situation or your feelings or emotions you have control over two things, how you react and your dignity. if you react by responding to him he is winning, and you are loosing your dignity. i imagine you are an absolutely fantastic person, and to be honest you deserve so much better! the fact that hes treating you like a yoyo means hes not right for you. the man that is right for you is looking for you right now, and he will treat you right. its time to let go. so let go 🙂 watch time do its thing and smile to yourself every day you wake up and know you havent been in contact with the person who has hurt you the most. someone who loves you will never treat you like that or hurt you. hope that helps a little bit 🙂
That did help. Thank you. I think the past year has had some many ups and downs with him, and more downs that its been a slow healing process all together. I’ve had to stop talking to him before, and I want this to be the last time I have to go through this. I’ve started dating, but I’ve realized I’m not ready to open up to someone else yet because I’m going to keep comparing the new people to the good qualities that my ex did have. I think the thing I’m most upset about is starting the whole dating process over, because he and I had talked about getting married and I really thought it would eventually happen. Ignoring him if he tries to text me is going to be extremely hard, but if hasn’t by now, I honestly don’t think he will. And I’ve taken the step of moving all things that remind me of him out of my apartment, and I don’t like anywhere near him so no chance of running into him. Thanks for your advice.
One week of NC and he texted me that he found my bracelet that I left in his car two weeks ago, do I answer him and ask him to mail it, or have my sister text him and ask him to mail it/pick it up from him? I’m afraid if I want 53 more days to answer him, he’ll throw it out. Help anyone?
Hello Monty. I’ve read your story & I think it is best that you not respond to him at all. Have someone else do so on your behalf, but making it perfectly clear that they are to offer him no information about you & how you’re doing. Simply get what’s yours. And then make sure you ask nothing about him from the person picking your bracelet up. Don’t set your healing process back by contact w/ him. You need to stay strong even when it’s extremely difficult. I totally feel what you’re going through. But it gets easier.
Thank you. My sister volunteered to get it or ask him to mail it, and if he’s that petty that he can’t get it back to me that way, then I don’t need it. The bracelet isn’t sentimental and I had already thought I lost it anyway. I can’t help but wonder if he’s looking for a reasont to see me, and I’m hoping by ignoring him and having someone else contact him for me, it will make him realize I want nothing to do with him. My sister would be the best person to send, because she won’t ask him how he’s doing or give away any information about me. I wouldn’t even want to contact him after the 60 days and ask for it back, I really never want to see him ever again.
its good that you got your sis to do it. good on you for sticking to your guns and not replying!! if you did its back to square one. remember Monty you are awesome!!! you are fantastic!! and you deserve the best!
After spending a whole day thinking about whether or not to have my sister text him, I had her ask if he would be willing to mail it, let her pick it up, or even drop it off to her, and of course no response. Its making me feel like I need to explain to him why I had her contact him, that no contact with him will help me move on, but I know its better to just let it go and keep going toward my goal of 60 days. I really can’t help but wonder what he’s thinking about her responding instead of me and his intentions. I told my sister just to tell me if he agreed to get it back to me or not, nothing about how it was worded or how she was going to get it.
“Someone who loves you will never hurt you or treat you like that.” Words I really needed to hear right now! And so true. Thanks for the reminder — go forward not back. Hang in there everybody. All your stories and advice help keep me strong! Nc is hard, but better than the constant drama, blame, insults, and pain I was experiencing before. And of course i have moments of doubt but then i come here to remind myself to be strong. This site is a lifeline!
I am in day 2 of NC.I see my ex everyday as we work in the same place.What should i do if he talks to me ?The only way we communicate is through wats app.He might block me totally from their?Please advice guys…..I want to be with him but not on compromising on my self respect.The worst is he is now with another coleague of mine and many a times I see him with her exchanging glances and msges.It kills meto death…please guys just share your thoughts as it really supports me and helps me move on….
Hello hanan. First let me say I’m deeply sorry for the pain you are experiencing. Breakups truly are difficult to go through. It has to be really tough having to work with him on a daily basis and I wish there was something I could say to help you to cope with it. Sort of like my situation, except we live in the same apartment complex. It never fails that I see him when I am feeling really good and in a good place, and it sets me back. The NC rule is definitely a wise decision to make, but like anything it will take time to get used and a lot of kindness given to yourself. I am not going to pretend that it is easy, because it is not, you have to remain focused and stay strong. If you can read the other helpful links Eddie offers in his news letter, they’re awesome and very helpful. Having access to communicate with, through any resource, is not a good idea. You should delete him from everything. NC means just that, NC. It is going to be the only way for you to start getting any type of normalcy back into your life. It will allow you to begin healing your heart and gaining the respect you so deserve. I can tell you that the heartache does ease up with time. I wish you peace and joy.
thank you gale!!!!!!!!!Your words are very encouragung and soothing for me…. now as it is not only that I have to see him on a daily basis but he is going around with another coleague of mine which is so heart breaking.He was able to move on so quickly is something that hurts me to death.Though he is with her he wants to maintain a relationship with me too…though not the way like before where we used to talk for hours and always message each other…..yesterday he snet me 15 messages asking why I am not replying to him and wats wrong.
I stuck to my NC but he is very annoyed with my behaviour.
I feel completely for all of you. I would like to share my story, and I can completely say I’ve experienced the same thoughts as some of you. However, I’m rather embarrassed to say my breakup happened more than 5 months ago.
I’m 27 now, and she has turned 22 after the breakup. We were together for 35 wonderful months, and had discussed greatly about getting married, to the point of getting a ring designed. When it came time to pop the question, I learned that she had doubts and questions about what she wanted, and after 2 days of some heavy discussions which seemed to bring things to a happy resolution that we were not ready yet. Then the evening when I left her place to come home she broke things off. I talked to her on the phone after I arrived home, she said she loved me, and those are the last words I have ever heard from her. I unfortunately held on hope, writing a letter and such, and keeping her as a friend on my Facebook. In late February I realized the need to delete her off of Facebook and from my life in general, which is when I consider my portion of the no contact to have started.
I have done a lot of new things and made some new friends over the past 5 months, even reconnecting with old friends and finding out who the supportive ones really are. I had to ask some friends not to mention anything they learned about her on Facebook or if they saw her somewhere. It’s the ups and downs that really kill me right now. I’ve been seeing a therapist (on the second one now) since the breakup on and off, and I have been trying to keep myself busy, getting into a new routine, and I am in the process of becoming a Big Brother. Friday night I found myself thinking that I’m fine on my own, I’ve come a long ways even in the last month, and women may come and go, but I’m still here and still me. I have learned a lot and changed through the breakup into a better person.
However, I still have thoughts of hoping she’ll come back or somehow in the future we’ll find each other again. Yesterday I got a message from the mutual friend we met through. As he lived away for a while during our 3 year relationship and was travelling extensively during this breakup, he has only seen her once during the breakup but I’ve seen him a lot. His message said little about the ex, but through it I found a really had a desire to contact her now. She never returned some of my belongings, and I guess that’s helping me hang on, unfortunately. I just feel there was a lot unsaid, and unexplained, even though I realize contacting her is a bad idea. It’s not as though I miss specific things about her or anything, I think its just that I have so much hope in her because I believed so strongly in our future. I don’t want to find someone else yet, but when I’m lonely I find that as the most likely option going through my head.
I am certainly struggling with the premise of someone being able to walk away and not talk to you so easily, when they told you that you were such an important part of their life. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I probably don’t want that kind of person in my life, and that I’m better without them. Its really tough at times, but easier at others, and I find myself afraid of being alone for life at times, while at others I find I’m happy alone.
I haven’t wrote on here yet although I have been following it since about 4 months ago. I certainly feel for all of you and certainly hope we can all get through this and learn as much as possible.
Hi Colin,
needless to say, I can relate so much with own experience. One might think that having been so deeply betrayed it would be easier for me to move on, and I guess that’s true for some people.
But it’s not for me, and it makes everything so much more painful, because you have to cope with the idea that her new happiness is build on top of the destruction she caused in your heart and soul
I think we all have to accept the idea the person we loved so much is gone, she doesn’t exist anymore, it’s not more than a fiction of our mind, because her feelings for us were such an important part of what we used to call “us”, and now that those feelings are not there anymore, so she is.
I’ve been going out, making new friends, tried to be kind and gentle with myself as I would be with a beloved person who needs care. I’ve just found a new apartement, it gave me the feeling that a fresh start is at hand. I’m somewhat proud of still being able to function, struggling to open up to the world instead of giving up.
And still, when I wake up in the morning I can’t help but wonder where she is, with whom, doing what, and how long will it take for me to wake up next to someone I really care for, and not a total stranger with whom you’ve shared a few hours of physical intimacy.
Montag,
Thanks for sharing your comments and sympathy. I saw my ex yesterday, she was driving the other direction with her car full of people, I honked, but I’m not sure if she saw me. Now I really want to contact her again, even though right before this I was doing very very well. I feel like it’s a terrible idea for me to contact her, but since she hasn’t acknowledged me at all since the breakup, I feel like it is something I need to do, and a lesson I maybe need to experience to learn. I really don’t know what to do, but even almost 6 months later, seeing her for the first time made me want to throw up and my stomach has been doing somersaults ever since.
I just want her to be happy, and understand we may want different things, but I do miss speaking to her. I realize the person I loved is likely gone, and it’s painful for such a fast break, especially when things like this break the wound wide open.