Will I Ever Love Again? By Lyndsey Sahasranam

After I ended my marriage, I so desperately wanted to be accepted and loved again. I was missing the intimacy and love and I craved it so much. I went out and put myself out on display, hoping others would find me and want me.

I searched the ocean of online dating sites to see the plenty of fish available.

Finding men was easy! I had 80 messages the first day. 40 were married men who wanted nothing but sex. 20 were young boys looking for an interesting intimate experience with an older, more experienced woman. But of the last 20, only a few peaked my interest enough to hold a conversation.

It felt nice at first. I was hearing compliments like, “you have such a beautiful smile” or “how am I so lucky to have met you”.

Unfortunately, I learned the hard way that there are some despicable men out there.

Some men are preying on the vulnerable women. They are waiting, like sharks, to attack fish who may still be injured or sick. They manipulate and lie and cheat their way into the hearts of the women, only to cause more pain in the end.

And then there are other men who are nice and kind but who are going through the same emotional transitions and grief as me and who are not ready to fall back into a relationship quickly after being hurt before.

The love and intimacy felt good but the pain and loss of them dropping me again was intense. It hurt. I felt rejected. I could feel my self-esteem being chipped away until I had nothing left to give.

Some men told me that I was too intense. I was trying too hard. And they were right.

So what I learned was this (and I still need to listen to this advice myself.):

Sometimes you need to put your fishing rod down and go and enjoy your life. You need to hang out friends and family, who love you for who you are. You can start to live again and fill your days and nights with all the things you love to do. You can live in the moment and start to appreciate what you already have. You can start to love yourself and build the confidence you need to be able to go fishing again.

The next time I go fishing I am going to remember that I have a choice. I can throw the fish back in the ocean. Or better still, I am hoping I never have to fish again. Perhaps the right man is out there and he might find me while I am doing the things I love, with the people I love. I think I will know when I am ready and when it feels right to love again.