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The Dangers Of Post Break-Up Dating

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A typical mistake people often make after their break-up is to start dating too soon.

The unpleasant reality unfortunately is that if you start dating too soon after your break-up, especially when you decide to try something like online dating, you most probably will crash and burn.

Why is that so?

Let me explain.

After a break-up there is a huge void. A void that needs to be filled.

You may have accepted that you can’t get your Ex back, you’ve even managed to get through the 60 days of No-Contact, but you crave for that special “feeling”. The feeling of security and intimacy.

So you go out in desperate search for what you once had. The problem however is in order to find Mr or Ms Right you have to be in peace with yourself and more or less over your Ex. Because if you are NOT you will compare each potential partner with your Ex and undermine every chance you had for finding that perfect partner you are looking for.

So how soon is too soon?

Six months? A year?

Actually I talk about that in great detail in my free newsletter, but the bottom line is: if your Ex is still dominating your mind and they still have power over you one way or another then it is too early.

Period.

Another factor that especially applies if you have been out of the dating game for far too long is dating inexperience. You will have lots of unpleasant experiences if you start (online) dating after years of absence from the dating game.

You can either prepare yourself (for women, for men) or start off simple.

A good idea for post break-up dating is to follow 3 simple rules:

  1. flirt
  2. have fun
  3. don’t have a new relationship in mind

Whatever you do, don’t go against your instincts and don’t date because you think it will help you getting over your Ex faster.

Because it won’t. You can take my word for it.

Here is a success story from our dear reader Lyndsey, who wanted to share her experiences with online dating.

Breakup Success Story from our reader Lyndsey

Will I Ever Love Again? By Lyndsey Sahasranam

After I ended my marriage, I so desperately wanted to be accepted and loved again. I was missing the intimacy and love and I craved it so much. I went out and put myself out on display, hoping others would find me and want me.

I searched the ocean of online dating sites to see the plenty of fish available.

Finding men was easy! I had 80 messages the first day. 40 were married men who wanted nothing but sex. 20 were young boys looking for an interesting intimate experience with an older, more experienced woman. But of the last 20, only a few peaked my interest enough to hold a conversation.

It felt nice at first. I was hearing compliments like, “you have such a beautiful smile” or “how am I so lucky to have met you”.

Unfortunately, I learned the hard way that there are some despicable men out there.

Some men are preying on the vulnerable women. They are waiting, like sharks, to attack fish who may still be injured or sick. They manipulate and lie and cheat their way into the hearts of the women, only to cause more pain in the end.

And then there are other men who are nice and kind but who are going through the same emotional transitions and grief as me and who are not ready to fall back into a relationship quickly after being hurt before.

The love and intimacy felt good but the pain and loss of them dropping me again was intense. It hurt. I felt rejected. I could feel my self-esteem being chipped away until I had nothing left to give.

Some men told me that I was too intense. I was trying too hard. And they were right.

So what I learned was this (and I still need to listen to this advice myself.):

Sometimes you need to put your fishing rod down and go and enjoy your life. You need to hang out friends and family, who love you for who you are. You can start to live again and fill your days and nights with all the things you love to do. You can live in the moment and start to appreciate what you already have. You can start to love yourself and build the confidence you need to be able to go fishing again.

The next time I go fishing I am going to remember that I have a choice. I can throw the fish back in the ocean. Or better still, I am hoping I never have to fish again. Perhaps the right man is out there and he might find me while I am doing the things I love, with the people I love. I think I will know when I am ready and when it feels right to love again.

Thank you Lyndsey for sharing your experiences. And yes, I strongly believe that the right man for you IS out there, waiting. I’m certain that you will meet each other when the time is right.

The same applies to all of those who are suffering from a break-up right now: “Mr/s Right” is out there and you will meet the day you’re ready.

I know that I did… and I’m happier than ever.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

P.S.: Have you had some post break-up experiences? Please share in the comment-section below.

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8 Responses to The Dangers Of Post Break-Up Dating

  1. Barb July 14, 2011 at 8:51 pm #

    Thank you for this article. It’s just a conformation of what I’ve already known…I’m sure I will love again but right now it’s way to soon to start dating. :) Hehe, sometimes It’s even cool to single. :)

  2. Prettyinpink2011 July 25, 2011 at 5:47 pm #

    This is what has me scared out of my mind. It has been 9 months and I don’t know if I am ready yet for someone new in my life.  I am overly cautious and really terrified of being hurt. But at the same time I am worried I might miss out on a wonderful human being.  That leap of faith to try again is so hard. I almost feel panicky about thinking about the future. It is not that I haven’t let my ex go. I don’t want him back or cannot even imagine rekindeling anything with him either through friendship or anything else. He hurt me and I don’t ever want to go through that pain. So now I am scared of love or at least the possibility of it?  I don’t want that. When is the time right? Will I just know? I hope that answer comes to me in a way I can understand. Cause right now confused is how I am feeling.

  3. Penney777 November 9, 2011 at 6:33 pm #

    I needed to read this article.

    I joined an online dating service a few weeks after my breakup. I was and still am hurt over the quick way he moved on to someone else. I wanted that for myself. I did, and still do, want to feel like I am still attractive to men. I know that my self-esteem is totally shattered right now.

    I went to coffee with one guy and I was upfront with him … I was not ready for a relationship. Fortunately he never called me again! However, another guy emailed me who sounds interesting, and he is probably going to call me tonight. I am torn now … I know that I need to be upfront with him by telling him I am not ready for a relationship. Stupid me already put myself out there. I would take my profile off visibility, then back on … I live close to my ex and the other day I saw him driving around with new gf. I got upset and put my visibility back on. Guys keep on messaging me …

    Ugh, it really stinks going through this while my ex is enjoying his rebound relationship. It is so hard to do this the right way! I need to keep on coming here for inspiration and remindings that I need to heal before even dating again.

  4. Colin June 8, 2013 at 3:35 pm #

    I’m so glad I read this. I joined an online dating site a couple months after the breakup and lately have been browsing it quote frequently and messaging women, but I know I’m not ready, so I have promised to myself to love life for a while and enjoy being me while I get back to a stable spot. Thanks Eddie!

    • Stacey July 1, 2013 at 9:46 pm #

      Now I am at the 11 month mark and he still pops in my thoughts every day. Its sad because I dont want him too and it is hindering me moving on because I do compare others to him. He was not perfect and I could find things that I did not like about him but I really loved him and fell hard for him, he made me feel special and loved. I have been dating even soon after the break up just no sparks with anyone. So I am not pushing it chatting with a few guys but no definite plans, I am just going with the flow. You have to trust your gut when it tells you to stay away and I knew he was trouble before I started dating him. So silly of me not to listen, that was on lesson I learned. I have had no contact for just about five months he was contacting me and wanted to see me I blew him off because I knew he still had his gf and he had already cheated on her with me once. But the contact is over and he has not messaged me or anything. I did said him a bday wish trhough text and email but no response, which was good so that I didnt get my hopes up. Its not like I would ever want to date him again I would lose friends and family. So I think once the right man walks in my heart I will be completely healed.

  5. aliaa August 14, 2013 at 2:05 pm #

    Hey Eddie.
    So we the dumpees shouldn’t go for rebound relationships right? It won’t work because we are still not over our ex’s. But what about the dumpers? What will happen if they get into a relationship soon after the breakup? Since they have already moved on and our way ahead of us. Will their rebound work?
    I’m asking this question as my ex broke up with me as he wasn’t happy in the relationship and wanted to go out with someone else. He hadn’t found a girl then and he is still single, but there’s a good chance he might find someone soon.

    Thanks a lot.

  6. Stephanie Franco September 4, 2013 at 1:01 am #

    I was in a 5 year relationship and we parted 3 mos ago. First month was hard after that i started to feel good and spend time doing the things i use to enjoy, … Then I started seeing him on my way to work, texts started , then saying hi.. Then the question “let’s be friends”. Of course I agreed. I started to feel he was getting what he wanted & I wasn’t so I started the no contact & emailed him. But now I have took two mos backwards of the breakup . Anyways I have tried moving forward meeting people nothing serious on my part and i am totallt honest i dont want a relationship but when “they” text me or call a lot I start to feel I can’t breathe & I get stressed. I think for now I will just have fun & do me because the breakup took all my self esteem and confidence. I look forward to meeting the right person someday I just know its not now

  7. PRA March 11, 2014 at 5:37 am #

    When my relationship was falling apart after 22 years (!!) and I found out he had been cheating the last couple of years too. Besides all of the other feelings, hurt, issues, pain, anger, turmoil, etc; I felt so strongly in my heart (head?) that no matter what happened, we couldn’t move on if that was an option, w/o me evening the score. I felt so strongly that if we were back together, he’d have ‘her’ in his mind (my insecurity) and I thought that at least he’d have to worry about the same thing – even the playing field. I told him (and friends, etc) that I was going to ‘get laid’. Everyone including him said, “that’s not you, not your style”. Well it turns out they were right. I went online and I can’t believe how quick I found someone! I was honest (without the dirty details) about how I was just out of a mess, etc and that I had the present but not future to offer. This guy is so nice, so everything good and what was missing and all the right stuff. He patiently let’s me keep him at arms-length, so to speak. We both are busy with kids at home and aren’t trying to push the relationship faster than needed, just trying to get some quality time together to date and get to know each other. I actually see potential for us, so much in common, it’s weird. So over the past year, the prior relationship fell further and is irrevocably over and dead and gone (not my choice) so I am using all the great methods on this site, because it ALL is exactly me. I feel like 2 separate people, heartbreak recovery on one side and new relationship on the other. I’m trying to keep the two separate so that it isn’t the usual rebound thing. I call him my ‘slice of nice’ because we truly have a great time together. I don’t love him, my heart is still mending and there’s just no room for new. I can tell he’s ready to let me know that “L” word, but he doesn’t push. Is it even possible to handle this in some way as to really have this relationship NOT be the standard rebound thing? Are there any things to say or do, aside from cryogenically storing him away until my heart is pumping again? Isn’t it possible, like you indicated that there are a few ‘come back from cheating’ success stories? Maybe this has the makings of the rebound guy really being Mr Right? What are my odds?

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