Break Up and Divorce The Need For Revenge On Your Ex: How To Use It To Fuel Your Recovery

The Need For Revenge On Your Ex: How To Use It To Fuel Your Recovery

Revenge on your Ex
Photo by lady-fretten

I’m not quite sure when it started, but once it did, it was like an inescapable obsession that was driving me forward.

The overwhelming pain slowly subsided.

It felt as if a veil was lifted from my eyes, and something new was beginning.

Something that from now on would shape my recovery.

The Energy That Drove My Recovery

After experiencing a relationship break-up, you have to go through the different phases of recovery. Whether you want to or not.

It’s the same for each and every one of us – from shock to denial; from an emotional roller-coaster to acceptance; from letting go, all through to the re-opening.

It’s the natural way of healing after a break-up. (There are actually ways to sabotage your healing, but I’m ignoring those for the moment)

Part of this process, (especially in the beginning), is experiencing anger and resentment.

We are angry at ourselves for all the mistakes that we think we’ve made, (be they real or not), and we are angry at our Ex for everything they did to us, (leaving us is on top of the list).

Very few of us realize that anger can be a good thing at the beginning of our recovery. It keeps us away from depression and despair, (this is because anger is more positive than the latter, it’s higher on the “emotional ladder” ).

Still thinking about your Ex? Click here to take the test to learn how long it takes to heal... and how you can speed up the process.

The tricky part, though, is that it has to be expressed in a healthy way or it will harm us.

Not expressing the anger in a positive way was a big mistake I made back then.

The unconscious anger I felt towards my Ex re-directed and became self-destructive.

The result was that it pushed me even further down.

What I couldn’t do at that time was to acknowledge that I was angry at her, so I turned it on myself.

(MORE: Dealing With Anger After A Break Up)

How I Took Revenge Upon My Ex

“I will hurt you for this. I don’t know how yet, but give me time. A day will come when you think yourself safe and happy, and suddenly your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth, and you’ll know the debt is paid.” – George R.R. Martin, A Clash of Kings

A natural consequence of anger is revenge: “To inflict punishment in return for injury” is the definition.

Many readers wrote me that the anger they feel towards their Ex, and their inability to resolve the anger non-violently, contributed negatively to their recovery.

But what to do when we want them to feel the same pain we are feeling right now?

My answer was always the same: “You have to find a healthy and positive way to express your anger.”

There are many ways to do this, (find some in the article I referenced above).

Back then, I discovered by accident what helped me the most – what became my “revenge.”

What I did was, invest almost all of my energy into becoming the person SHE wanted me to be.

I dressed better, I worked out harder, I became more confident.

I did lots of things she would approve of and became her “Mr. Perfect.”

The only problem was – and I didn’t know that at the time – most of this wasn’t ME.

What I desperately wanted her to say/think was:

“Wow, look at him, he’s exactly what I always wanted in a man… I made a terrible mistake leaving him. I want to reconcile desperately with him… but I know that he doesn’t want me anymore, and that is REALLY killing me” .

I cannot tell you enough how much it helped me imagining her saying these words.

It gave me back my power, it put me back in control … and I desperately needed that.

That was my revenge.

Becoming the person she desperately wanted and knowing that she couldn’t have me.

As written, you will have a problem later if the person you are becoming is NOT the person you really are.

If it’s not the real YOU.

But that’s ok.

You will enter a new phase where getting back at your Ex won’t matter anymore, and it will become irrelevant what they think.

Then you will understand that the most important thing is to be authentic, to re-connect with the real you – a person you might have missed for a long time.

(MORE: How To Re-Discover Your Identity After A Relationship Split)

My point is that this driving energy of revenge, by becoming the person they really want, is NOT a bad thing at the beginning. It will get you through the toughest times.

But it has to be temporary, a transportation device to get you from one break-up phase into another.

When you manage to do that, your perspective will change, (again), and it will release a self-finding process that is crucial for your recovery.

This kind of “revenge” might not necessarily be the right thing for you, but it has helped me tremendously.

Isn't it the ultimate revenge to finally get over them and live a happy fulfilled life? Click to Tweet

Being able to reach your full potential?

I, for one, had triumphed in the end… and also looked stunning as a positive side-effect.

What do you think? Do you want revenge on your Ex? Tell me in the comment section.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

P.S.: If you want a step-by-step plan for the “revenge,” just click the link below.

  • I really want a revenge…she always hurt my feelings and when i became angry she dumped me for a another….i want to give her a painful one…she always told i was always sobber and acting like a child….i want to get revenge

  • I truly believe that people come into your life for a reason so I try to think of what I have learned from the relationship and grow into a person who is capable of a better newer relationship. NC is the only way to fully recover. We think we can be friends but it doesn’t work that way. It prolongs the healing. I think initially I stuck around as a friend to see what this next girl would have that I didn’t. Well nothing great really other than she was a real easy target. She was skinny, quiet, cooked , massaged and was like his personal rub and tug. There was nothing great about her. He is using her the same way he uses all girls, to boOst his ego!

    He is not capable of love! So I feel sorry for him and that helps my healing! Enough is enough! I’ve wasted so much time on this man. He is so not worth it. I deserve better!

    Love yourself first, know your self worth. I think we all want answers and so we hold on hoping that we can go on if we could just know or change into what they want! But we shouldn’t have to change.

    Believe in yourself and love yourself enough to walk away from toxic narcissists!!

    • My husband was verbally and spiritually abusive our whole 17 years of marriage and called him self a Christian. I filed for divorce and within one month after our Divorce he approached his longtime high school friend, Widow of his best friend, and also my dear friend for 16 years and asked her if she wanted to try to have a relationship. My heart is broken. She’s not that kind to hurt someone yet she agreeD to take it slow with him and see how it works out. No one told me they had decided this and I found out from him by pushing him to tell me. How could they do this? She was my close friend and he knew it. I feel so betrayed and I want revenge so I’m texting verbally mean comments to both of them and trying to expose his abuse to her but it’s breaking me apart because I am a very strong Christian Christian woman who actually mentors other hurting women at church. I feel like some sort of evil has entered my soul. When the mean over, I want to say the meanest things ever to them both. HELP

  • Monica Zoe says:

    I fell in love with a woman. She claimed it be mutual and we moved in together. One day she mentioned the fact that she wanted an open-relationship. Something that I wasn’t into nor could I give. She told me we could be together in a 50/50 relationship and broke it off with me. I continued to live with her trying to make things work and she decided to go on a date with some guy. The day after she broke it off with me. I’ve since moved out and I’ve contacted her several times.. my pride has gone straight out of the window. I want to try this 60 days of no contact but it’s hard to think about. I just need a shoulder to lean on to help me get out of this situation. Does anyone have any suggestions?

    • Bob Besser says:

      Just know there are people out there going through the same thing… it gets better…..

      • This is a common thing I hear people say but you’re not providing solid evidence or examples, just an FYI!

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