I’m not quite sure when it started, but once it did, it was like an inescapable obsession that was driving me forward.
The overwhelming pain slowly subsided.
It felt as if a veil was lifted from my eyes, and something new was beginning.
Something that from now on would shape my recovery.
The Energy That Drove My Recovery
After experiencing a relationship break-up, you have to go through the different phases of recovery. Whether you want to or not.
It’s the same for each and every one of us – from shock to denial; from an emotional roller-coaster to acceptance; from letting go, all through to the re-opening.
It’s the natural way of healing after a break-up. (There are actually ways to sabotage your healing, but I’m ignoring those for the moment)
Part of this process, (especially in the beginning), is experiencing anger and resentment.
We are angry at ourselves for all the mistakes that we think we’ve made, (be they real or not), and we are angry at our Ex for everything they did to us, (leaving us is on top of the list).
Very few of us realize that anger can be a good thing at the beginning of our recovery. It keeps us away from depression and despair, (this is because anger is more positive than the latter, it’s higher on the “emotional ladder” ).
The tricky part, though, is that it has to be expressed in a healthy way or it will harm us.
Not expressing the anger in a positive way was a big mistake I made back then.
The unconscious anger I felt towards my Ex re-directed and became self-destructive.
The result was that it pushed me even further down.
What I couldn’t do at that time was to acknowledge that I was angry at her, so I turned it on myself.
(MORE: Dealing With Anger After A Break Up)
How I Took Revenge Upon My Ex
A natural consequence of anger is revenge: “To inflict punishment in return for injury” is the definition.
Many readers wrote me that the anger they feel towards their Ex, and their inability to resolve the anger non-violently, contributed negatively to their recovery.
But what to do when we want them to feel the same pain we are feeling right now?
My answer was always the same: “You have to find a healthy and positive way to express your anger.”
There are many ways to do this, (find some in the article I referenced above).
Back then, I discovered by accident what helped me the most – what became my “revenge.”
What I did was, invest almost all of my energy into becoming the person SHE wanted me to be.
I dressed better, I worked out harder, I became more confident.
I did lots of things she would approve of and became her “Mr. Perfect.”
The only problem was – and I didn’t know that at the time – most of this wasn’t ME.
What I desperately wanted her to say/think was:
“Wow, look at him, he’s exactly what I always wanted in a man… I made a terrible mistake leaving him. I want to reconcile desperately with him… but I know that he doesn’t want me anymore, and that is REALLY killing me” .
I cannot tell you enough how much it helped me imagining her saying these words.
It gave me back my power, it put me back in control … and I desperately needed that.
That was my revenge.
Becoming the person she desperately wanted and knowing that she couldn’t have me.
As written, you will have a problem later if the person you are becoming is NOT the person you really are.
If it’s not the real YOU.
But that’s ok.
You will enter a new phase where getting back at your Ex won’t matter anymore, and it will become irrelevant what they think.
Then you will understand that the most important thing is to be authentic, to re-connect with the real you – a person you might have missed for a long time.
(MORE: How To Re-Discover Your Identity After A Relationship Split)
My point is that this driving energy of revenge, by becoming the person they really want, is NOT a bad thing at the beginning. It will get you through the toughest times.
But it has to be temporary, a transportation device to get you from one break-up phase into another.
When you manage to do that, your perspective will change, (again), and it will release a self-finding process that is crucial for your recovery.
This kind of “revenge” might not necessarily be the right thing for you, but it has helped me tremendously.
Isn't it the ultimate revenge to finally get over them and live a happy fulfilled life?Being able to reach your full potential?
I, for one, had triumphed in the end… and also looked stunning as a positive side-effect.
What do you think? Do you want revenge on your Ex? Tell me in the comment section.
Your friend,
Eddie Corbano
P.S.: If you want a step-by-step plan for the “revenge,” just click the link below.
Hi Flo,
No problem.
This is THE hardest thing I have ever had to deal with (I’m 42!) & no doubt it’s the same for you too.
There were days when I would just weep; my sense of loss was so great & overwhelming. All the ‘whys’ and ‘what ifs’ kept going around in my head: & you just can’t make sense out of it. Flo, you’re grieving & there are things that you can do to help & things that you’ll do that won’t! I should hate her for what she did, the lies & betrayal etc but the truth is I don’t – no I still love her, yet she no longer loves me, if she ever did!!
How do you deal with that? It’s hard, very hard: almost like trying to stop living a parent or sibling! But the longer he’s gone the easier it will get. My breakup was 4 mths ago and I do feel better! I still miss her & want to tell her things but she’s gone…& I’ve just had to accept that. But the longer she’s gone for the stronger I’ve become. And it’ll be the same for you! Pls try & stop the self analysis: he left you! Why? Only he knows & no amount of over thinking will help you understand or bring him back.
I truly believe that one day I’ll thank HER for going, & I’ll meet someone else. Positive thinking, stop over thinking & try & believe that the same will happen to you too. You won’t stop loving overnight (it’s only been 7 mths) so don’t beat yourself up about it. But ‘love’ has to be fed and the longer he’s gone the stronger you’ll get & your love for him WILL mellow…
And you always have ‘us’ here on the utterly superb website to turn to. You don’t have to go through this alone!!
Kindest regards, be strong & you, me & all of us WILL make it!
Ray – UK
Dear all,
I’m truly devasted, I confirmed a couple of days ago that my Ex has a new girlfriend, not even six months after ending a four year relationship. His new girlfriend works with him in the same office, he even took her to his best friend’s wedding last month.
Did he cheat on me while we were together? Did he already have feelings for her when we broke up? Or did he really started unloving me while sitting right next to me, while telling me he loved me? Or even worse, did he ever love me at all? As it usually is in life, probably all four things happended.
I can’t get these questions out of my head, I’m feeling even worse than after our break up.
I still can’t understand how you can talk of marriage and children and then just poof!, take off like that without another word. And rebuilding your love life in record time.
Please, help me understand. And to move passed this… and him.
Hi Flo,
You’re not alone…
My ex said similar things: “we’ll get married, have kids & buy a house…” Etc
And then (within 1 week) things changed: she told me that she didn’t love me enough for all that we’d planned. My question (therefore) was why say / agree to it all in the first place then? Did she just string me along…? I have to say that’s what I now know.
Why people do this I haven’t a clue but please follow the advice on this website & download eddies book. I did & I’m much better than I was 4 mths ago. You WILL feel better but torturing yourself with the ‘why’ will get you nowhere. You deserve better than him! If he wants to leave you: let him go! Work on yourself and make friends here on this site & one day you’ll look back and thank him for going…
Eddie isn’t wrong!!!
With love & kindest – Ray
Hi Ray,
thank you so much for your kind words. I’ve been with NC since December 17th, 2013. It’s still very hard, I still think “I have to tell him what happended today at work, he’d find this very funny, etc”. Last monday we would have celebrated our 5th anniversary since we started dating. I know Eddie’s advice is excellent and well meant; it’s just so damn hard cutting someone out of my life when I thought we’d be together forever. I truly believed him and never hold back. I feel so betrayed and don’t seem able to let go of that feeling. I think he probably had feelings for the coworker he’s dating now while still being with me and that feels like a punch into the stomach. And into my face.
I know eventually I’ll have to let go; I seem to be unable to do so right now. And I don’t know how to forgive him and myself for the mistakes we both made.
I’ll follow your advice and reread Eddie’s posts, maybe I’ll find the answer there.
Thank you for being there.
Flo
Its been two or more years…..still do feel angry at times….how did i allow someone hurt me so badly or why was i so weak and scared,i gave control of my life to someone else…
though i do realise that this anger is because lack of happiness and confidence….She aint better than me…all are equal…i think more positive abt her than me…
so i started using this idea to improve myself professionally,because i knew if i build myself professionally i will b happy…
so my anger starts when i see a situation in romantic movie,breakup movie,revenge type of movies…So then i wud go to dream world and imagine and bad mouthin what if she wud hurt me more or make fun of me in front of world someday…
though this wud never happen for sure, because why wud someone comeback and hurt u…?no one wud do that…if u think very well it wud never happen…they feel ashamed for what they hav done…sure of it…
So it all started with a single thought and then reaches final stage of anger….so i decided i will postpone the thoughts to midnight 2 am…yes,i want to finish the task at home…one step at a time,postpone thoughts to 2 am…. or if she hurts me,i accept it,its ok hurt me more hurt me as much as you can …because the day i will grow i will burn u to ashes in mind :)…….
i feel there are three stages in my recovery 1. pain & struggle 2. pain,struggle& better future 3.better future…….i have reached all stages but i do fluctuate again back and forth in 2,3 because i am not yet happy with my life…i have not met my succesful professional life….but yes i have been to final stage,so i know it will be back soon…
till then anger pulls me back but i keep sayin after 2am and keep moving forward 🙂
I secretly longed for revenge, but now its irrelevant. I am on day 48 of NC and she is starting to become a distant memory. I am no longer afraid of bumping into her and I know exactly what to do if that is the case. Because of Eddie I was able to get out clean after almost a year of struggling with the indecisions and doubts of getting back together. She tried to contact me twice, and that gave me perspective that all she wants from me is financial help. That is my revenge, not contacting or helping her at all.
JC, thanks for your comment. It’s inspiring to know you feel this at only day 48 of NC. I’m on day 29 today and can’t say that I’m close to her becoming a distant memory, although I’m supposedly doing all the right things (NC, positive affirmations, focusing on new things, self confidence, gym, etc).
I guess I still struggle with the thoughts that I caused the demise in the relationship. I do wish I had an excuse like yours (ie – her just contacting you for financial help) to get angry at her but I can’t find one other than she abandoned the relationship..
When exactly do you feel was your turning point?
Dear Anna,
I’m roughly 3 months NC and it’s clearly better. What I can tell you personally (which doesn’t mean I can generalize) is that it felt really bad for 7 weeks to me before something clicked and I started to feel better (not really OK, but starting slowly to improve and reducing the frequency of crying and obsessive thinking). I don’t know your case but at a certain point the tide turns for everyone. Keep going with NC, positive affirmations and all the rest, you’re doing well, it seems to me 🙂
Good luck!
I was in a relationship for 4 years with a man … Who was not even near to what I wanted him to be. Immature, short, dark, loud sense of dressing, no good smile, makes a dull face most of the times if things don’t go his way, indulging too much in materialistic things like gifts and would want appreciation on every little effort he did. But then I stood by thinking one day he would mature up and understand that relationship is not always lovey dovey and pleasant. He would fight with me if I wanted or headed out of home with my friends for some short trip without him or went to party without him or spent too much time with my friends. He wanted me all the time and wanted I should leave everything and just be with him . that was suffocating. He kept himself in priority list I guess. I knew this all and how it was just ruining my dreams and life. When I decided to detach from him, he couldn’t take it. Did little efforts to make things right. And I melted. But deep down I knew it is not him unless he becomes mature and b little selfless. Living under the same roof might be totally different and perfect. But I knew I would have to compromise and accept and put lots of hard work. I did accept and tried. Just to hear that he cannot let go his friends and life. Probably my hard work n efforts drifted him away and some how he knew no matter how much he lies or commit mistakes I wld always accept him.
With time… He went for his post graduation, unfortunately the school he had convinced me was not good enough. And I knew he wld get carried away by life there. And he did. He started to blame me for everything. And fell in love with a girl who was committed already and still took care of him as a nurse. During thatvleriod I sensed all that was coming but ignored and did more efforts. And yes got angry and had panic attacks forcing for stupid acts. While ibcried he enjoyed his life. When I had melted and got too attached he started to drift away. And he got detached … I could see it all. Twice we met during that period and I could tell by his face and acts he was cheating and was being a coward to speak the truth and confess. I ignored. Twice we met and I had this strong urge to end it there and then in front of that girl. She was though committed at that time.
I didn’t end… And unfortuantly did all the mistakes which I feel horrible about today.
I cried and said all wrong to him over phone just tobrealise he is least bothered about it. Someone who said loved you truely can change all of a sudden in new eneviornment is hard to digest.
I suppressed my feelings. And flowed with what coming in my life. Because of him the girl broke up her relationship. I knew it wld happen and that they would marry.
And now when it’s official… I feel am back to step one and feeling all that revenge, hatered and like a dumb girl. I don’t want him back, but I want him to be in pain. I know it doesn’t bother, he will never be in pain because even if he is guilty he wouldn’t b sorry. He does the same mistake again n again and only with me .
I am finding it so tough to let go that feeling of “whh did he lie to me if he loved me”
“Why is he marrying that girl if he says he still loves me and wants to c me happy ”
“Why he says he will not do the same mistake again and leave that girl”
He is happy and still guilty and still wishes to stay with me… But will not leave her or talk to me…. !!
Is he selfish…. Or did I ignored those break up feelings when I shouldn’t have.
I don’t know … What fix I am in
i want revenge. problem is, to this day i still have no idea why he left. we had a 5 year relationship and towards the last week of the relationship, he was picking on fights and out of the blue of a very very stupid fight he broke up with me. and when i asked why, he said we have fundamental issues that he “doesn’t know how to verbalize”. said he still loves me a lot and sees a future. but when i said we should at least try to resolve this, he said he doesn’t want to fix it. 1.5 month later someone ran into him traveling with another girl, and another 2 months later he started dating someone who is worse than me in every way (older but less mature, rude, chainsmoker, not well educated, swears like a sailor, much less fit and much uglier). he has completely cut me out of his life since the day we broke up. i don’t even know what amount of improving myself i can do to make him think he wants me back because i feel like it’s the exact thing that drove him away – that he felt inferior to me (i knew this all along but i never saw him that way).
Hi,
Although I am past the anger phase. In the beginning I did feel anger towards my ex for leaving me and for lying to me. I just wanted to hurt in her someway. I wanted to tell her new boyfriend about my relationship with her and I just wanted to ruin her life. But, at that time people here helped me getting past through that phase. Now, I am happy for myself and well as for her.
Thanks Eddie for your support.
Thank you Eddie for this beautiful article. Some of these tips (not all) I did follow without even knowing that it will help me recover. But I am still learning and yet to recover. Thank you again.
Yes I want revenge from a narcissist that did emotionally horrible things to me!!
I am in month 6 of my breakup, I have gone through most stages, stuck to NC 100% and I have been reading the newsletters and information on this and many other websites. This is my first breakup and I have never experienced pain like it.. not even when a close relative has died. The advice Eddie has given has helped me so much and I have gone from strength to strength since he left that fateful day 1 week before Xmas, 2 before a milestone birthday! I decided back then that I needed to change, it was always at the back of my mind but I got complacent whilst in the relationship and ignored my inner self screaming to come out. I was changing into what he wanted and that wasn’t me. Revenge can feel sweet initially, it’s true was Eddie says, it gives you that temporary high then you come crashing down and feel worse than before, like when you eat something ‘naughty’ then instantly regret it after your last mouthful. My sweetest revenge (whether he knows it or not) is becoming what I wanted without him by my side. I have always been overweight, lacked self confidence and hid behind closed doors. I have (so far) lost weight, dropped a few dress sizes and my social calendar has never been so busy. I do have low moments and I do miss him sometimes but I wake up to another beautiful day and realise how lucky I am to be alive and well! Whatever you are going through now will pass, I never believed time is a healer but it is. I am living proof that you will succeed and you will be happy with or without a partner. Thank you Eddie your advice has got me through a lot and I hope others find you when they feel they cannot find help when they are feeling at their worse.
Great article, however, doing all that would seem to imply that you would be looking to see him or her again. That’s not the goal. The goal is to move on. Always just be yourself everyone else is already taken…right?
Do yourself a favor and never try and please someone who doesn’t want you.
Thanks.
Hi Eddie,
You’re right. Somehow in the beginning, when I thought of him as the devil, the one I am better off without, made me feel that the break up was the best thing that happened to me. Good riddance. I kept on thinking about his worst, in order to get over the feeling of wanting to be with him again and the never-ending questioning- why? what did I do wrong? How will I move on? and many more. Hating him helped me a lot.
What’s good about the recovery path I chose was trying to be the best person I can be as my REVENGE. Regardless of what I have gone through, I want to make sure that he won’t see me miserable, desperate, or worst- physically unappealing as if I have been sick since the day he left me. My revenge focused on how to improve myself such that no sign of pain will be left for him to think that he still matters to me when we see each other again. You know what, I have to say that my revenge tactic was all gain for me. 1 and a half years after we broke up, I got a promotion and I became the luckiest girlfriend in the whole world. I now have a boyfriend who takes good care of me and loves and accepts me for who I am. I have never felt this loved!
Now, if you ask me if I still want revenge, I can say with all honesty that I don’t care about my ex anymore and whatever he thinks about me is irrelevant. I even think that I have to thank him for breaking up with me since I met my soul mate afterwards.
And that for me is the greatest revenge… The ability to be happy, complete and successful (having a perfect life) without him. 🙂
Sincerely,
Ruth
Wow, I actually did exactly this unconsciously over the course of the last year. When people ask me why I’ve changed to the point where I didn’t even seem like myself, I didn’t know how to explain it to them, but this says it perfectly!
And yes it did help a lot, becoming a better person, someone who is now really out of my ex’s league 🙂
yes.. i desperately need a revenge for him
Long story short: My ex broke up with me after two and a half years. Right up until the end she maintained that “I was the one” and we’d planned to buy a house, have kids and get married etc.
During the week leading up to the split (4 mths ago) – she completely changed towards me: text msgs became short, less frequent and she was no longer available to meet as we usually would have done. When I confronted her she confessed that “she’d never really loved me enough to see a future for us” and was now planning on going on an around the world trip with her friend. In essence she confessed that it was all “just a bit of fun” – I was naturally devastated. She not only ended the ‘relationship’ but had also taken away all the nice memories I could have had of our time together by confessing that she had never really meant it all along.
The first 4 weeks were the worse period of my life ever (I’m 40!) and I just don’t know how I got through that time. I found Eddie’s website and it’s been a God-send, a real tonic. I went no contact, threw out EVERYTHING that reminded me of her, but was still ‘tortured’ by the ‘vicious cycle of thoughts.’ – I just kept going over, and over everything…
Eddie’s programme has helped me tremendously with these thoughts and I’m now (four mths down the road) feeling much, much better! I really didn’t think (back then) that I’d feel normal again – but as time has passed and with the practical exercises I’ve found on this website my load has lightened and I can see the light. It really does get better! – We’re all worth much more than the people who walked away from us! If they were stupid enough to walk away, we have to be wise enough to let them go.
Now, this post is about The Need For Revenge On Your Ex: How To Use It To Fuel Your Recovery
So, what’s the BEST revenge? In my humble opinion the answer to this question is simple: to stay away, rediscover your own happiness and (ultimately) to arrive at the blessed and tremendous state of complete and utter indifference towards our ex…
I never thought I’d get there – but revenge is sweet…
Love to you all,
Ray – UK.
Hi I wanted to say well done ray..and all u other wonderful people u can do it u will get there x im45 single ..my ex left because I was diagnosed with cancer in 06 ..he wanted a healthy fiancee he said…I let him go and not a word since from me ..he keeps texting saying oh babe I miss u ..get in touch and I will repay the thousands I owe u..he just wants a reaction ..I am worth more than than that..and u people are too..LOOK FORWARD THERES NO REGRET IN THAT DIRECTION…X
Hi Ray
I am in a similar situation, but on female side.
I am 39 and it feels like quite late to start the family and kids, especially now, when someone just threw you out of their life after 2.5 years being together and 1 year living together.
He broke up with me last week. It was building up for a few months. Suddenly he started to say that I should spend more time with my friends, care for myself, don’t focus on work so much. And he became distant. He is younger than me and I always thought is was a problem. But he convinced me it was a problem only for me.
And then last Monday he said he does not feel the same any more, the life is boring (routine) and when I asked what we should do the answer was we split up.
I started to write down how I feel to release these emotions. I can finally eat (could not for 2 weeks). I am upset because with the years I realised how difficult is to find somebody you really like…
Dear Svit,
my heart and thoughts go out to you. The turmoil and pain that such events can bring are beyond words. It’s been over 18 mths now since my break-up and I can honestly say that the pain HAS passed! This website and the comments left by others helped me a great deal.
I found it comforting to know that the pain does go and this helped me a lot.
I hope you are on the mend? if not – get back in touch; it’s good to chat about things!
Kind regards,
Ray
Hi Svit,
I’m in the same situation. 38 years old, took years to finally meet some guy which I believed was the ONE. And then one week ago, he dumped me. Now I’m not only handling the sadness and grief, and also the serious doubt if I can ever find another guy to build up a family before it’s too late.
And since we don’t live in the same country, I probably will never see him again. It makes me desperate that even one day I grow to the perfect woman he wants, he won’t see it. And I have nowhere to revenge. I have no target at all.
But this is life. We have to continue and we have to tough it out. No other choice.
My leaving him is all the revenge I will ever need.
My ex tried to get revenge on me this week by contacting me after three weeks and asking me to dinner and never letting me know where to meet him. He’s just bitter I dumped him a month ago.
My revenge is never reaching out to see if he chose a restaurant yesterday and I will NEVER respond to a text or call from him again.
Yes!! I absolutely want to revenge my ex.
I will definitely become a better person, working abroad and prove that his decision was a mistake, not mine!
I wish to find this site sooner, before i begged, pledged, told my ex that i was so desperate and lose my will to live.
I started NC for a week but i broke it yesterday and today.
Yesterday i saw his FB profile, today i found that he unfriended me on FB.
I am gonna make sure that he made the biggest mistake in his life.
And I will be forever in his memory as “the one that got away”
This is my NC day 1, start over. I hope that when I have fully recovered, I can give advice and cheer people in this community up.
PS. NC does work. Stick with it and do NOT break it. It the worst idea to break it.
PS2. your ex maybe still care for you but they don’t care enough to give us a chance. Don’t wasting your precious time waiting for them. GIVE YOURSELF A CHANCE!! not them
Thank you Eddie! Thank you so much. You literally save my life!
I lost myself and my head was filled with the suicide attempt.
And Thank you everyone here who shared experience, i feel a lot better, knowing i wasn’t alone.
Eddie, helped me in my darkest moments. I suffered a horrible breakup, it has taken me almost 4 years to heal, though I still think of him now and then but I have moved on and my life is richer and positive for that. When you truly are in love with someone and they hurt you,all you want is revenge,I did some things to him to run to get him fired from his job, that day I saw him with another woman caressing her face after only 2 month’s after our breakup I knew he had been cheating on me,how could someone that vowed to love you so much,find someone to replace you in just a few months. I was devastated,thought my world was falling apart. I find Eddie’s website and read and posted things everyday and writing about it helped me heal, I also turned to God and my faith grew and he was the reason I moved on. God helped me and picked me up when I thought my world was over because of this man. I forgave him, I will always Love him no matter what he did to me, but I let go on June 2011 and have never contacted him or seen him since. The no contact system Eddie has truly works if you follow out. I’m truly blessed to have healed,but for those of you who are going thru this right now,know that it does get better and you will survive this. “As God says This too shall pass”.. god bless all of you’ll and May you’ll find happiness again.
My revenge will be living my authentic life and feeling indifferent about what he thinks or doesn’t think about it. To me the best revenge is letting go and moving on. Like forgiveness. Eventually it has to be positive to set you free
Hi Eddie,
about a year ago I had a bad breakup… and to make it worse it was an office romance, so no-contact was a liitle bit less efficient. Of course I went through this anger and revenge phase (the bad thing that I saw, that I can still affect my Ex). But in the end, the ultimate revenge is ignorance.
Even better that she still hates me not a bit, while I found my peace. And nowadays I am a bit thankful to my Ex. She was a person, who made a lot of personal problem to surface and I started to solve them (by no small degree using the advises here).
I reduced a good deal of fears I carried, changed quite a lot one-sided/abusive relationships (work, friends, parents) to a much more healthy, eye-leveled one. I just found a magnificent girlfriend (a person whom I would not notice on the streets without this experience).
So bad breakups are just wake-up calls… the one who will learn from them will win, the one who failed to learn from them lose. That’s revenge.
😀
Dear Edie,
Your article is really help me and you safe me from getting me out from my addcited to my ex, i am indonesian who had boyfriend from the netherland, despite our differences that lead us to the end of relationship after 2 years. i broke like a pieces and lose my identity, i lose my self and tired from all the compromise i made to made my relationship work, but in the end i felt my break up like a divorced for me, that i really trust him, i made him like a white pise of paper and blamed myself a lot for the mistakes which came from both us, i couldnt hate him and i was suffer already for 5 month..when i found your website its like a light for me, i was so depress i still miss my ex bf but when i have a will to contact my exbf i imediatelly open your website and reads the articles again and after i felt better that i feel not alone…now i gained lot of weight,,my days i spend to eat and sleep, in the night i couldnt sleep so i sleep whole during the day light,,i feel more weak and weaker,,and i blame myself for not taking care of myself that i become ugly fat girl..i really want to get up and just like you said in this article that one of way is just to be the girl what my ex wanted (or what my ex family want it) i think there is nothing wrong with it,,i know it looks pathetic but i just want to recover soon, i follow the no contact for almost 3 month. i still miss my ex but now i use my brain not only my feeling, i will not force myself to be better soon bcause it is impossible but i move on with little step, now i really want to wake up i want to be able to love myself and getting myself again..thankyou so much edie! you safe me !
Dear Ika,
Don’t blame yourself if you gained weight, if you sleep during the day, if everything seems to be bad and wrong. You know it’s the right way and it’s gonna work. As you rightly said it takes patience and baby steps. Forcing yourself to do things little by little everyday it’s a good way, I think. If also didn’t see much progress for several weeks but I’m just trusted the process. Now, more than 3 months later I’ll smile a little when I’m look back. Not OK yet, not done yet, but it’s working. Keep going and be kind to yourself, you deserve that. It also couldn’t blame too much my ex and that’s not too much of a problem. Just don’t put too much blame on you. These things have shared responsibility 🙂
Good luck
Dear Paolo,
You are right after all, thankyou that i didn’t feel alone anymore, everytime i was stuck in the cycle of thinking about the past with my ex i imediately turn on my computer and go to this website, thats how i gained my confidence again. I still can’t sleep well there is time that i really tired and just want to sleep but when i closed my eyes i start to think about many things and especially after 6 month since we broke up now i start to not only remembering all the good things but also the bad things..i didn’t realize that i really lose myself so much and made so much compromise to amused my ex and didn’t think about myself, maybe now i start to think that i lucky enough to stop now…but i still really love him thats why it is hurting me even more to think that he did bad things in the past to me while i really try my very best for everything, i know he did but in the end..human heart is change and his heart is change toward me.
now im in indonesia and soon i will work in austria for one year, it leave me worries coz my range with him is not so far anymore (he is in Belgium). and i really want to stop thinking about him. my revenge is that : i will live very well and taking care of myself better, i will do sport and live very healthy and next year before i finish my contract i will visit him to give all his stuff back include his apartment key with my new look! i really hope that i can make it and maybe it can help me bit to move on. I want to meet better person than my ex. You know the feeling between love but not wanting him anymore. for me if he is happy it is enough…i want to be happy too..
step by step and dont force yourself otherwise when you realize how fragile you are after act being strong you will get hurt more. i had that before, i act arogant and thinking that he is nothing, but when my friend sended me his new pic on fb (i blocked him so i didnt know anything about him) i was crying for 1 day that time, realize how much i miss him but also how he takeing care of himself so he looks really great with his smile. but well…i sincerely happy, it is not the person who hurt me but i think it is myself and my expectation who hurt me most…
Rifka
Dear Ika,
Well, Belgium and Austria are still far enough to allow you some peace of mind, I think. I also live in a different city, which makes things easier (I live far away from my friends and family, but that’s tolerable). From what I’ve learned in these months (a lot, actually) I can safely say that you cannot really stop your feelings towards someone directly, it doesn’t work that way (some people fall out of love with a switch but not whenever they decide to, and I guess I am not one of those anyway). What you can do, as Eddie and others suggest, is redirecting your focus towards yourself. And also don’t beat yourself up you don’t succeed immediately, it might take a while. You’re already doing that, and I reckon understanding what went wrong and what you allowed to happen is fundamental in growing to more mature and healthy relationships.
Probably your revenge in the end won’t mean much to you, but it can be a good catalyst now. Indifference, even with some remaining tinge of affection, is probably the best revenge you can ever have.
Thanks for sharing and reading
p.s. 3 months NC (I am also there, roughly, I don’t count the days any longer) is pretty amazing. We should congratulate ourselves 🙂
What a willpower, uh? As someone said (don’t remember whom, right now), willpower is not something you have, but something you do and train.
Hi every one I’m Wilson (i’m27) . Breakups Survivor from 6 years relationship. We both plan to get married. Then she dumped me. Because I’m no longer have enough money for pay the bills because my business collapsed, Then She go to abroad. I was completely destroyed. Thanks for Eddie website that helps me to recovery . After she is at abroad. I try to reconcile. She agree. Then within days. She dumped me again. She say I’m not sure this is going to work (long distance). It hits me very hard. Right now I’m on NC for 20days, I want revenge, my best revenge is successful life, these days I focusing my last energy for my self. Creating the new me. I’ll make her sorry for leaving me, I don’t want to start dating soon. I want make this opportunity to create the best version of myself. Thanks for sharing your stories guys, I’m not alone. It’s not about us being good looking,moving on and rich in the end, but it’s about the smile, that you have confidence to start all over again, and start to believe in your self again. That’s what I learn from this.
Oh my word. This is so absolutely what I am doing and I did not even realise it. Over two and a half years of verbal and emotional abuse and manipulation I finally did not go back to my ex as I have done numerous times over the two years.
I am starting over with my no contact as I have contacted her and it was disastrous. I ended up blaming her and became very ugly and lost any dignity I had left.
What really got me just now was the issue of even two months after the last breakup I still try do be her “Mr Perfect” and is still lost.
I had to wear gel in my hair, my teeth had to be pulled and I needed to get dentures because my teeth are not nice (fortunately my dentist refused), I was lazy in her eyes (she is an Workaholic and has hysterical success syndrome, I had to dress smarter, my car always had to be spotless other wise I did not respect her, I was not intelligent enough for her, I was always wrong, I was tom kind and care too much for people less fortunate than me and so the list goes on.
I need to stop doing things to be her Mr Perfect even though she is not there to observe it, I need to do and will do things to be myself again.
Thanks for the insightful article.
Day one starts over, right now.