Healing a broken heart from a lost love seems to be the most challenging venture one could imagine. A break up usually starts with a phase of paralyzing shock then turns into helplessness and deep grief. It appears impossible to ever be happy again. Wouldn’t it be good if there was a secret how to get over a break up?

What if I told you that a break up or divorce is also a very good chance? Your opportunity? Look into the abyss and see who you really are! Do you believe in this?

Well, I for one, I believe. Because it happened to me and I experienced it myself.

"You don’t know what love is
Until you’ve learned the meaning of the blues
Until you’ve loved a love you’ve had to lose
You don’t know what love is"

–Chet Baker

My own break up in 1998 was on the one hand the most terrible and painful incident that ever happened to me, again on the other hand, the very best that happened to me. Sounds pretty paradoxical, huh?

For now, I would like to ask you just to take my word for it and read on, you will understand.

The secret how to heal a broken heart didn’t come to me just like that, nor have I read about it in a book or the like. As I have written on my about-me-page, I’ve had a break up coach. Not a professional one. It was a very distant relative, who apparently called me out of the blue (today I know that it was no coincident at all). He then introduced me to the two main concepts on how to heal a broken heart.

He by himself has had a terrible divorce before and some other terrible things additionally. The measures he took, the thinking he developed literally saved his life.

Isn’t it strange that each and everyone of us has had or will have a certain point in his life where he finds himself standing at a crossroad? Ok, maybe not that strange, that’s how life works. Interesting though is why some take the way to the right and some to the left. Some recover very quickly from their break up or divorce and have grown with that experience, others take many many years to recover and after that they are not the person they used to be (in a negative way).

At the time when I met him, I have had six terrible months behind me, full of self pity, tortuous pain, loneliness and infinite grief. I was past the first painful phases of a break up, but yet not ready to move on, to make the vital step towards healing.

At first I didn’t want to meet him, I didn’t want to meet anybody. But he insisted. This was my chance.

We’ve met in a coffeehouse. I’ll never forget that. He had heard what happened to me from other people and after some chitchat the first question he asked me literally blew me away.

He asked me: "Why do you think that SHE is responsible for your happiness?"

And this was it. So simple.

In my eyes it was her I needed so badly in my life to be happy, to feel valuable. I held on to her to have a purpose, a meaning. I wasn’t happy on my own. It was she who made me going on, enduring myself. I absolutely didn’t love myself.

Of course I couldn’t think rationally at that time. But it was him who did the thinking for me.

He then explained his concept on how to get over a break up, how to lead a happy and fulfilling life and how to develop a stable personality. Healing a broken heart was just a side effect of his concept.

Extreme suffering during a break up is always a sign that your mindset towards life and your own person is not correct.

The main two pillars of a stable personality and therefore the main premises for a happy life, so he told me, are:

1. Complete and unconditionally self-love

2. The very personal purpose in life

Wow, that made an impression on me.

Does this make sense to you? It took me some time to get it.

Only if you love yourself completely and unconditionally, and this means to accept the way you are, your weaknesses and strengths, you can also love others. If not, everything you do is looking for approval in others. You will be looking for their light, instead of using yours.

There are quite a few methods to work on self love. Some have been discussed here and some will be discussed in future articles. They all have in common that you must take a closer look into yourself and accept what you see. Finding your inner child and affirmations are very good ways to increase your self love.

The second very important secret is to find your purpose in life and pursue it with all your heart.

What’s your purpose in life? Well, that’s the tricky part. I can’t help you much with that, that is something you have to figure out by yourself. I can only give you some tips on how to find it. There are some good books on that matter.

Deepak Chopra wrote in his book The Seven Spiritual Laws Of Success that your very purpose in life is your unique and very special talent. We have taken manifestation in physical form to fulfill this purpose. He calls it "Dharma". Something, when you picture yourself doing it, your heart lightens up and you feel a warm feeling of happiness.

When you combine your life purpose with service to humanity, then you make full use of the Law of Dharma.

I second that.

Find something you love and are passionate about, try to help other people with your talent and then simply be the best in it! There is no greater fulfillment than finding your life purpose and serving others.

Then you will not only have your blueprint for a happy life, you will eventually notice that you have gotten over your break up or divorce on the way:

If you are suffering from a break up or divorce right now, I sincerely wish you that you will find your path and come to a higher understanding of your true Self. Only then you will be ready to find the partner you deserve.

This is a small but vital fraction of the healing process. There are more things to consider especially in the first phases directly after a break up or divorce. Watch out for further articles on how to get over a break up on this site.

Your friend,

Eddie Corbano

Photograph is a courtesy of Jennifer Krug