The Secret How To Get Over A Break Up

by Eddie Corbano

1,405

i hate my ex girlfriend Healing a broken heart from a lost love seems to be the most challenging venture one could imagine. A break up usually starts with a phase of paralyzing shock then turns into helplessness and deep grief. It appears impossible to ever be happy again. Wouldn’t it be good if there was a secret how to get over a break up?

What if I told you that a break up or divorce is also a very good chance? Your opportunity? Look into the abyss and see who you really are! Do you believe in this?

Well, I for one, I believe. Because it happened to me and I experienced it myself.

“You don’t know what love is
Until you’ve learned the meaning of the blues
Until you’ve loved a love you’ve had to lose
You don’t know what love is”

–Chet Baker

My own break up in 1998 was on the one hand the most terrible and painful incident that ever happened to me, again on the other hand, the very best that happened to me. Sounds pretty paradoxical, huh?

For now, I would like to ask you just to take my word for it and read on, you will understand.

The secret how to heal a broken heart didn’t come to me just like that, nor have I read about it in a book or the like. As I have written on my about-me-page, I’ve had a break up coach. Not a professional one. It was a very distant relative, who apparently called me out of the blue (today I know that it was no coincident at all). He then introduced me to the two main concepts on how to heal a broken heart.

He by himself has had a terrible divorce before and some other terrible things additionally. The measures he took, the thinking he developed literally saved his life.

Isn’t it strange that each and everyone of us has had or will have a certain point in his life where he finds himself standing at a crossroad? Ok, maybe not that strange, that’s how life works. Interesting though is why some take the way to the right and some to the left. Some recover very quickly from their break up or divorce and have grown with that experience, others take many many years to recover and after that they are not the person they used to be (in a negative way).

At the time when I met him, I have had six terrible months behind me, full of self pity, tortuous pain, loneliness and infinite grief. I was past the first painful phases of a break up, but yet not ready to move on, to make the vital step towards healing.

At first I didn’t want to meet him, I didn’t want to meet anybody. But he insisted. This was my chance.

We’ve met in a coffeehouse. I’ll never forget that. He had heard what happened to me from other people and after some chitchat the first question he asked me literally blew me away.

He asked me: “Why do you think that SHE is responsible for your happiness?”

And this was it. So simple.

Healing A Broken Heart In my eyes it was her I needed so badly in my life to be happy, to feel valuable. I held on to her to have a purpose, a meaning. I wasn’t happy on my own. It was she who made me going on, enduring myself. I absolutely didn’t love myself.

Of course I couldn’t think rationally at that time. But it was him who did the thinking for me.

He then explained his concept on how to get over a break up, how to lead a happy and fulfilling life and how to develop a stable personality. Healing a broken heart was just a side effect of his concept.

Extreme suffering during a break up is always a sign that your mindset towards life and your own person is not correct.

The main two pillars of a stable personality and therefore the main premises for a happy life, so he told me, are:

1. Complete and unconditionally self-love

2. The very personal purpose in life

Wow, that made an impression on me.

Does this make sense to you? It took me some time to get it.

Only if you love yourself completely and unconditionally, and this means to accept the way you are, your weaknesses and strengths, you can also love others. If not, everything you do is looking for approval in others. You will be looking for their light, instead of using yours.

There are quite a few methods to work on self love. Some have been discussed here and some will be discussed in future articles. They all have in common that you must take a closer look into yourself and accept what you see. Finding your inner child and affirmations are very good ways to increase your self love.

The second very important secret is to find your purpose in life and pursue it with all your heart.

What’s your purpose in life? Well, that’s the tricky part. I can’t help you much with that, that is something you have to figure out by yourself. I can only give you some tips on how to find it. There are some good books on that matter.

Deepak Chopra wrote in his book The Seven Spiritual Laws Of Success that your very purpose in life is your unique and very special talent. We have taken manifestation in physical form to fulfill this purpose. He calls it “Dharma”. Something, when you picture yourself doing it, your heart lightens up and you feel a warm feeling of happiness.

When you combine your life purpose with service to humanity, then you make full use of the Law of Dharma.

I second that.

Find something you love and are passionate about, try to help other people with your talent and then simply be the best in it! There is no greater fulfillment than finding your life purpose and serving others.

Then you will not only have your blueprint for a happy life, you will eventually notice that you have gotten over your break up or divorce on the way:

How To Get Over A Break Up

If you are suffering from a break up or divorce right now, I sincerely wish you that you will find your path and come to a higher understanding of your true Self. Only then you will be ready to find the partner you deserve.

This is a small but vital fraction of the healing process. There are more things to consider especially in the first phases directly after a break up or divorce. Watch out for further articles on how to get over a break up on this site.

Your friend,

Eddie Corbano

Photograph is a courtesy of Jennifer Krug

Make your Ex suffer! Click here to watch my FREE presentation:
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About The Author:

Eddie Corbano is a breakup-coach, relationship-advisor and founder of LovesAGame. He suffered from a devastating break up in 1998. Since then, he dedicated his life to helping others getting the best of this existential experience. The overcoming of a break up is an important step to autonomy and independency. Eddie Corbano developed some new coaching programs, which focus on evolving inner strength and the power to set and reach any personal goal. (Article written on July 31st, 2007)
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Anne Low

I sort of agree with what was said here, but I’m asking a question here: how come it’s also very difficult to get over a seperation when you are the one who ends the relationship?

Magster

Funny enough i just broke up with my bf (long story why, thing is i had to and still love him)

i think that not only do you still love them but your guilty cuz your the one who ended it and you feel regret to ending a relationship.

thats my opinion

http://www.foundahost.com Recanter

I think I agree, but I’m just trying to digest all the info that’s been presented here. It’s really scientific the way it’s been set out but I can really feel some method and logic here.

The first break up I had really left a gaping hole in my life. It’s a shame they didn’t have internet back then heheh

Best wishes and thanks!
Recanter
http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

@ Anne

Very good question! I’ve been on both sides, so I also know how bad it can be to be the one who’s leaving.

That lies at my heart, so I will cover that topic in an article soon. Stay tuned.

@ Recanter

It was my intent to make a theoretical approach first, before I present some practical methods.
http://www.mybluesquare.com Aleksandroz

Hi, Eddie Corbano
I run to your site, seeking an advice how to deal with break up.
I once red that some man said: “You can’t imagine how your life can change if you change your standpoint”.
“You alone are responsible for your happiness” – is very good example.
Karen

Thank you so much for this article It made me feel so much better you truly are an amazing person <3
http://meetspot.com Paul

I completely agree with your article, Even though some people say that you are destined to be where you are, but I sort of disagree with this statement, because we are the drivers of our lives, no women or men can change that, if you choose to be happy – you will be.
Kelly

Thank you so much for this article this really makes me think differently about everything! I’m learning to love myself again and getting through a break up too, trying my hardest!
http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

Thank you guys for your kind words, I really appreciate them.

All the best for you,

Eddie
bob

who can come up with the best definition of love?
Niloy

@ Eddie Corbano

A hearty thanks to you Mr. Eddie Corbano.
I contemplated suicide after my break up.
My mom somehow managed me to survive, though her soothing words were not enough for me.
IT’s through your wonderful article I’m getting some potential to move on in LIFE.
Once again a hearty thanks to you Eddie from bottom of my heart.
Now, I removed the thought of attempting suicide again.
http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

Dear Niloy,

I’m so happy that my article helped you and prevented you from that terrible thoughts.

You know, years after a break up, when we’ve maybe found the “right one” or we have really learned to live and enjoy our lives, we realize that such thoughts are terribly wrong.

There is a purpose in a break up or divorce, it’s to learn, to get stronger and to live a better life.

You’ve made the first step.

Take care and if you struggle again, shoot me a mail.

Eddie

ren

I was betrayed bu my bf he lied to me about things he’s done and involved people to help him lie and when i didnt believe him before finding out it was all a lie he slapped me and we broke up there after that i was soo hurt and i did the stupidest thing which was scratching his brothers car and now he knows its me and he asked me to stay away from him it killed me soo much since i was working on forgiving him and wanted to get back i guess its time to move on but i dnt know why i am waiting

Liss

I did the same thing you did after hearing the two pillars of of a stable personality and therefore the main premises for a happy life,
I went, “WOW!”.

If we fully accept WHO we are we will realize that our worth is based not upon failures of not having met the standards of others (we are so human and each of us is well aware of our limitations) but that all in all, we have something of value to offer (ourselves and others). If another rejects us because of some percieved imperfection, it really isn’t the end of the world. Just the end of something that wasn’t working out in the best interest of all parties involved. I’m not making light of anyone’s pain. I am currently going through a seperation as we speak, but it helps to put the truth into persepctive.
And I agree. If we have a quest, a purpose in life, we take our attention off of us and our joy is made complete because we are giving life to something and that in and of itself breathes back life into our souls.
http://www.seriousthings.com Joseph

thank you kind sir. i just lost my soul mate 2 days ago and I haven’t stopped crying since. I feel like I lost my heart. I was ignoring the self growth and wisdom I have learned, and reading your article brought me back to my special place. God bless you and thank you so much. I thank God for finding this article. I was crashing very very very hard.. this has picked me up, thank you thank you thank you.
http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

Hey Joseph,

I’m very happy that my article helped you. Just never lose faith and hope, there is still a long way to go, but you can make it. You are not alone!
Andrew

I feel stupid at myself at times when I still wish for my could’ve been ex. (Imagine that!) Some attachment I got from this person has been hard to get rid of. As you said, it is just a symptom for my lack of self-love and life purpose. Thanks for the enlightenment. Thanks for getting me back on my path and making it crystal clear.
Tarun

I had a break up,certainly didnt approve me,she said dunno wat al thngs to get away…bt m stil confusd,i knw i cn get her bk,my way ofcourse.dis delirium isnt lettin me heal ma heart nd muv on,i dnt find a reasn 2 cntinue datin her coz it appears ours wuld be a difficult to sustain example like bfr.me a cancer,she a gemini.
Bt m nt lettin ma heart get her off….
Atleast m tryin best to cncentrate on ma work…nd seekin other thngs to divert maself,be it i find ne interest or nt…maybe d article helps me..thanks.
denise

hey thnx alot hope this works
Ashu

Hi,
I just came out of a 5 yr serious relationship today and I don’t quite know where what went wrong. All she has to say is the classic “It’s not you, it’s me” routine. I still can’t help but feel It can’t just be all her and nothing from me; and of course the feeling of could I have done anything to prevent it or can I still save it (considering it happened today). If I was to summarize the feeling, I would say that it feels like the person I knew, loved, cherished, adored and wanted to be with in life is dead and the person I was and knew about is also dead. That’s a lot of metaphorical deaths to handle at one shot! At this stage, it is too early to start the process of what is written in your article and to agree to everything but I have no doubt that there is sheer wisdom in this article and ultimately, after running around in circles, I will have to come back over and over again until I feel cleansed. I am still trying to figure out what my purpose in life is and It feels like i’ll be 50 before I figure out what that is. If you have any suggestions on that as i’m 24 right now, I would appreciate that. Thanks to you and to everyone who’s loved n lost, if u’ve come out knowing that you and you alone control your happiness then you have unlocked the portal to a more enriched and fulfilled life.
Mina

Hi Eddie,

Thank you so much for the article. One month ago I just came out from a 2 and half years relationship and I was devastated. This is the first time in my life to have a broken heart, I lost all my direction in life and I can only cry and cry. I have been searching around the internet to look for article that inspires me and to help me to heal my broken heart, because I really don’t know what to do, and how to handle a broken heart. On your article when your distant relative said “Why do you think that SHE is responsible for your happiness?” All the sudden that shock me. Yes, why is he responsible for my happiness anyway??

My heart still hurts, but I will overcome it. I know I will be better and better everyday. If you don’t say goodbye to the “wrong” how can you find the “right”? I don’t know how much longer this will take me to overcome and finally moved on, but I will keep reading article like this and support me spiritually. This is the first time I have a broken heart, and I hope this is the last.
Daniel

Its been two months since my break up from a 6 year relationship. Its been a roller coaster ride of emotions, through the classic, denial, lonelyness and hate and then turning it all back in on myself and repeating it many times over. I just wish it would stop so much so I think oblivion would be better. I knew my self worth/esteem was low to have hung on so long to a girl that didnt return my love but now I no for sure its one of the problems , so now I can fix it. Im on the mend, good luck everyone, its not the end its the beginning.
Techie

Hi Eddie,

I wanted to know your opinion about “staying as friend” after breakup. I personally find it hard to believe that your ex can be a “close” and “trustworthy” friend whose shoulder you can cry on. What is your take on this issue?
http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

@ Techie

I think that it’s very very difficult (if not impossible) to stay friends with your Ex without jeopardizing your healing process.

You can only lose with this and I really don’t recommend it at all.

No contact is the proven way to go and after you’ve kicked your Ex from the pedestal (usually after a few years) MAYBE you could be friends again.
Aaron

Eddie listen to this one. I had a small crush on my freinds sister for years. Then all a sudden i moved in with my freind and his sister and what do you know? We ended up hooking up, she was my first “love” i suppose you can say even though it only lasted like 5 months lol. All though we did quite a bit together. She ended up gettin back with her ex of 6 year’s who had just broken her heart! But she still wants to be freinds, and the worst part about it….is that her brothers 1 of my best freinds! Now please tell me how to get over this what i must do. Its been 4 months since i broke up and im still not over it. I feel so unhappy everywhere….
SOPHIA

I don’t know how to put it, but I’m feeling hurtor like i suffered a (death) again after another break up. By the way , I broke up with him first and wanted him back right away and he flipped it on me and broke up with me.
1st. I dont even like him any more.
2nd. Not attracted to him either.
3rd. I knew he wasn’t good for me at all and I still wanted to be with him.
Made a list of 33 reasons why it would never work and still want to be with him.
I know it’s the idea of love , which is keeping me so attached to him.
I know the problem but how can i move on from the idea of falling in Love with the wrong men?
http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

@ Sophia

I think your problem is that you really have no clue why you still want to be with him.

You’ve listed 33 reasons why it would never work, how about a list of reasons why you are STILL attracted to him?

Take a piece of paper an make a list: 10 reasons why I still want him. Go deep inside and be honest with yourself.

There could be lots of reasons: the idea of a partnership, hurt pride, because you don’t want him to be with someone else, fear of being alone, etc.

There must be some reasons, otherwise you would have broken up already.

Once you know the reasons, you can address them directly and work on them, that will give you the strength to make the right decision.

All the best,

Eddie
summi

Hi Eddie,
I had a relationship for 6 yrs ,although I used to be with her..eating out ,movies ,sharedeverything etc but I was never attracted to her ,although she always had feelings for me.Finally I told her to look for another guy ,and now she got married
she told me abt her hubby but I never felt anything but after sometime I was missing her so much since there was no one else with whom I shared the things and I went into depression felt like killing myself ,why did i let her goaway in the phirst place, memories haunts me, althought your suggestions are really helpfull ,but I dunno understand was it love or its just a phase m passing through ?
Alustriel

Hi Eddie,

I read all your articles and it motivated me to just let go. My ex and I have been together for 5 yrs and he ended it recently. Sometimes it already feels ok, then it would hit me again. He’s already with someone new but still wants to be friends with me. Is it alright to be friends? I’m a little confused.
Rachel

Hey,

That’s great advice. I was the person to leave in the relationship but really I was given no other choice, with so much awkwardness and withdrawal in the relationship (coming from him) I decided to confront him, and in a discussion he admitted he ‘didn’t think he could commit to me’. I was heartbroken, I remembered his promises, him saying repeatedly how I was the only one for him. It hurts because I have always guarded my heart and he finally broke through and I started loving him, and then not long after he tells me he cannot commit to me.
I am a smart woman so I knew I didn’t want to be in a relationship in which I knew he would be withdrawn from me and may cheat on me, so I told him there was no point continuing the relationship.
http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

@ Alustriel

I’m sorry to disappoint: but no, it’s not ok to be friends.

After some years have passed, then maybe, but now no contact is definitely the best!

@ Rachel

Congratulations!

It takes strength to make such a decision. But it’s definitely a good one.

If a relationship doesn’t evolve, then there is no point in continuing it (as you say).

There problem here is, you can never be sure, because mind and heart are two different things.

But you can make a list and an take objective look at your relationship.

Check out the guidelines at http://lovesagame.com/how-to-break-up-with-somebody-in-7-steps/.

Eddie
Mina, UK

Firstly, thank you for your article. Very inspiring!

What if you have a young child together, and can’t avoid to not be friends?

Neither of us feel comfortable with him taking our baby out on his own, so we do together or he comes round to see her.

I don’t want to get in the habit of just leaving her in a room with him as I want us to have mummy, daddy and baby time all together. I’m finding it hard to heal though. I don’t want to be with him, but I still mourn our relationship (not him, if that makes sense!?)

What should I do?
Victoria

I was with my ex for almost four years and he broke up with me about two months ago. He came back during those couple months and wanted to get back together, just to break up with me again a week later.
I have horrible thoughts and the only thing that keeps me going on is my mother.
The bad part is, I lost all of my friends when I was dating this person because I was so consumed in the relationship that I left no room for my friends. It was all about him. Huge mistake. So now I’m left with no one to talk to and a heart that’s broken into a million pieces. I’m only 22, so this isn’t the end of it all. I’m sure I will get through it…it’s just really difficult. I spend most of the day sleeping and dread getting out of bed when I’m awake. I hate myself for getting so attached to this person and letting my guard down. I can’t believe that he can go on without a care in the world and I’m left with such grief contemplating what went wrong, what he’s doing, etc…
I read the above article about finding my own path in life and how I need to be happy on my own. I depended and still depend on him to make my life complete and happy.
This is obviously the major problem. My new focus is going to be making myself a complete and happy person without the need of someone else to make me feel whole and complete. Like I said, this will be hard because I had this “dependency” for almost four years. I guess it’s like a drug in a way, right?
Anyways, thank you, Eddie, for your helpful site and your goal to help others get through something so horrible. You’re a wonderful person.

V
Charlotte

About: Relationships and marriage – what is the importance of timing or is it only a question of love or not? And .. if a guy hasn’t proposed after 5 year relationship, will he ever do..?

My BF and I through 6 years broke up two days ago. Well – it’s more like he dumped me and now it just feels as if my world is falling apart. He was EVERYTHING to me. We also lived together for 5, 5 years.

However, I know that I personally led him to this dumping of me – I was the one who had been continually rejecting him and not giving any love or signs of caring to him for 9 months, living my live as if I were not in a relationship, nagging at him for nothing.

But the fact of the matter is, that prior to all this, I had started feeling very, very unhappy and unsatisfied – I wanted the relationship to move on, meaning that I wanted him to propose to me so that we could get married and start a family life together. He always knew that I wanted to get married someday, but I never pressurised him and lived my life and enjoyed our relationship together so much. But after 5 years, I started feeling very upset, hurt and negative that nothing happened. At the same time, I lost my job and became financially dependent upon him, so I was not able to act myself on my feelings at the time, which told me that I was not satisfied with the non-development of the relationship and tell him that I wanted it to stop. Furthermore, I was also afraid to leave him, because he represented a very unique BF – he was the most committed, enthousiastic and caring BF, he has a heart of gold, he is funny.. Everything was rather perfect – except that marriage stuff that btw also started affecting our physical intimacy that became non-existant.

When we talked about the marriage stuff, he said to me that he wasn’t ready for marriage until after the 5 years passed – right at the point where I started being very impatient, and bringing out the worst side of me and therefore not really igniting any romantic feelings that could lead to a proposal. REALLY bad timing. However, before my worst side really came out, there was a three months period around our 5 year day, which would according to him also be a time where he would have been ready to propose, and where there were plenty of occasions, like we went on a trip to Paris or my birthday, or we went to Spain.. But nothing happened. And then things evolved badly.

During the 9 months where I ignored him, I developed myself and eventually I started feeling love for my BF again. I digged my way through all my anger and my unsatifaction with him and reconnected with my reasons as to why I really loved him. In that light, the marriage stuff seemed totally irrelevant and not important, and I realised that after this, I could have went on with him without feeling resentment but only love – and then thereby, I think that the right conditions for a loving proposal would have been present. But when I finally reconnnected with my feelings of love for him again, then it was too late because he finally had enough of it and to my outmost grief let me know that he wanted it to end.

My learnings in this is that one should always maintain a healthy balance in a relationship and I have to acknowledge that the balance in ours was not good. Even though our relationship was very healthy in so many, many ways, I know that he started feeling that I was too needy. Both for the marriage stuff where my wish became too explicit and claiming in light of that he didn’t follow through on it, and for the financial issues, where I became too dependent upon him.

I underestimated my own ability to go it alone even though under financial pressure. Also, I should have acknowledged, that if I were not able to continue the relationship in a caring and loving way, even though my need for the relationship to evolve into the stages of marriage and family were not met, I really should have ended it. It is not acceptable to treat the guy who loves you like that, because he’s not asking you for marriage. I should have accepted that he was not ready, what ever his reasons. After all, marriage is about love and one can never ask or like I did claim love – it should come freely and naturally. And I should have respected myself and my wishes enough to say that when these were not being met, I had to move on.

Really, I must learn that I myself am responsible for my own happines and learn to be on my own financially. And also that if marriage should ever happen to me, I want the proposal to come from the guy in a excited and free way, not something that I impose. Else I’d rather be without.

Regardless of all of these realisations, the bottomline is however, that I really, really loved this guy, he really touched my heart in a way nobody else has ever done. It started out as a very, very true and pure love .. but somehow we lost it along the way. Love is such a fragile creature and should be nurtured and never taking for granted, EVERY day. I did take it for granted, thinking that I could keep him even though I was not treating him lovingly for the past 9 months, and thinking that somehow, I could just fix all of the broken stuff in the relationship, when my feelings for him were up and running again. WHAT a fool to think like that. I really think that I made a FATAL error. I really ruined everything.

.. Any comments from you Eddie on the above or experience from others as to relationships and marriage-ordeals..? Would be great to hear.

Thanks.
Kailey

Dear Eddie,

My best friend Jordan just went through a break up. None of her friends or relatives seem to be helping much and she’s just not snapping out of this depression. Here’s her story.

She went out with a guy named Tanner, he said he loved her, she said she loved him too. It was her first serious relationship. Everything was going smoothly. Later there were some rumors that Tanner was going to kiss her. Jordan had been so nervous yet anxious. We met up a few days later at a Dairy Queen and she quickly hugged him after what seemed like forever (about 10 minutes), then kissed. When she lit up people noticed but were bummed that they missed it so they kissed again. A few minutes later Jordan and I left. It was all she could talk about, and I, along with her friends were happy for her that she found a better relationship then her last one (long, crappy story). A few days later she received a text from him, it was pretty simple and it went like this:

I’m sorry Jordan but I have to break up with you.

Jordan was crushed and asked why but got no reply. Days later after she sent many texts asking why he sent a long text in reply, I don’t have it anymore so I’m reciting this from memory:

Ok Gosh… I was away from my phone for a while…….. The reason I broke up with you was because I just stopped liking you after a while………. I kissed you because I felt like everyone and you wanted me too…. Now will you please stop texting me because every time you do it rips my heart out.

Jordan was crushed. There was nothing nobody could do. Immediately afterwards he asked out a girl named Tia. She ended up turning him down (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! WOOOOOO!! Was Jordans and my reaction). Of course my butt kicked into gear and I sent him some (ALOT) texts that I’m not proud of… But were pretty funny…

Anyway after the break up there was shock, then hate, and now mixed feelings of hate and depression. during the hate phase he texted her and said they could get back together. Of course there was a harsh reaction followed by a long text of hahas and never-gonna-happens. But during the mixed feeling stage (which she is still in), in a moment of weakness she texted him from her moms cellphone pretending to be someone else, but in the end revealing not only her identity but a secret that she wanted to be with him and missed him. No reply. That was just a few days ago. Now she is slipping out of the hate and fully into the depression and missing him. Like I said she is my best friend and I want to be there for her but I don’t know what to do. That’s why I’m sending you this outrageously long email (by the way, sorry) about her break up. I need a little advice. I know that know that you’ve read this half your day is gone, but if you could find some more time to reply that would mean the world to me. Thankyou sooooooo much for reading this!!!!

Yours Truly,

Kailey.
JR

Hey Charlotte,

I was in a similar situation, but I was the guy; she met someone else and is no longer with me because she feels hope with him because I waited too long?

How is it working out for you?

I’m just moving on, and wish he treats her in a way I could not. So for me it came down to loving someone enough to let go.

JR
lisa

i remember goin through a break up (my first and still only love), i felt so sad, cried for like four hours, crying is not something i was accostomed to, then every morning when i wake, i will say to myself “what can i do to make me happy today?” it was a routine which made me fall in love with me for the first time, cause i started giving me attention, and loving me more made me closer to everyone in my life such as friends and family… the biggest challenge is really actually finding something that i liked deeply, i recently figured it out but ain’t start to do it yet, requires planning… i still miss my guy and still feel responsible for the break up, recalls it now and then, but i don’t allow it to get to me, and realised from reading your article that the answer i am looking for is still work in progress, but sometimes wish someone could flash a wand over my head and make my feelings go away… but the plus is that i learned to really love myself..

Been a year now, and i still ain’t forget him, any suggestions on an easy way of doin so… when we run into each other, we always greet like long lost friends, like we are so cool with each other, i don’t know why we do that..
http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

@ Lisa

You did everything right. Sometimes it just takes time.

When I think about my own break up, I was far from being healed after a year.

You should go No Contact, this is always the first step.

Make yourself clear that you won’t forget him, but you can shift the significance he has in your life.

Concentrating on yourself is definitely the best way to achieve that.

I do an exercise in my coaching named “Finding the inner child”: Remember what dreams you had in your childhood and fulfill them now. This is very powerful!

Eddie
-S

Hi Eddie,

I recently broke up with my girlfriend. She cheated on me the second time. It feels like the end of the world. I have tried exercising, talking with friends and family, writing in journals, crying, but nothing is working! My mind is consumed with thoughts about her and why she cheated on me AGAIN! I know that I am addicted and attached to her. I am obsessed. I really want to be out of this mourning depressed phase. I have cut off contact from her, but I really want her back in my life again. What should I do?

-S

http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

@ S

You should let her go.

There are circumstances where we can forgive infidelity, if we have identified where the problem was as a couple and whose needs weren’t met.

But cheating TWICE is too much in my opinion.

My advice is to accept the break up and move forward.

As to your addiction and consumption with negative thoughts, check out my article about the vicious cycle of your memories.

I wish you strength and determination.

Your friend,
Eddie

http://www.seriousthings.com Joseph

S,

The mourning/depressed stage can be exited in a split second by pushing the thoughts out. The problem being, we get stuck in a rut. Our thoughts form bad feelings, which form more bad thoughts, which form more bad feelings…etc… you get the idea. It just snowballs and there isn’t an exit in sight. But in all honesty, you can exit those thoughts immediately. Try looking at the situation from a 3rd party stand point. Look at it as your friend would look at it. Think the honest thoughts he would think. Think the thoughts you would think if you were to give your friend advice in this situation. Now, as you can see, your current thoughts are irrational. This is not to discount your feelings, but in all honesty, to be attached and addicted to a woman, who has cheated on you twice… well, doesn’t that sound irrational? It doesn’t when you are in your rut… but when you take a hard look at what you typed, you can then start to see how your thinking is emotionally guided versus being guided analytically, rationally, justifiably, intelligently, etc.

This type of mentality took me years to figure out and to put them into practice. I’m not always successful, but what I am saying is if you take a very hard look at it…and evaluate yourself, you’ll see that it isnt’ worth it. a year from now, this will just be a bump in the road of life… but right now, it’s a 20mile wide crater… the only way out is to stop thinking about it and realize how irrational you are being. Again, not to discredit your feelings, they are real. But they are as real as your thinking is. If you use intelligent thinking and not allow the emotions to kick in, you’re on the path of enlightenment.

She has cheated on you twice. She’s taught you twice that she will cheat. That’s called “Wisdom”. Rationally thinking, if you go back to her, the odds of her cheating on you again are high and in my humble opinion, is a close guarantee to happen again. So with this Wisdom, what choice do you make? You can choose to continue to be without her…Or you can choose to be with her, and then go through these feelings again in a few months, a year, whatever. Also, is this the type of person you want to marry? Of course not. So again, you’re being irrational. Let it go brother, let it go. You have a great gift that no other animal on the planet has.. and that’s the gift of Choice. You choose what you think, and the results are what you feel. If you choose to think bad things, you feel bad. If you choose to think good things, you feel good. Your reality is always a result of your thinking. Evaluate your thoughts, intelligently (not emotionally), and you’ll see it.
Trust me, I know all of these things I say are easier said than done. They are truth though. Again, if you look at it from a 3rd party point of view, you will see clearly. You have to break out of your own thinking, think rationally, and you’ll see clearly. As long as you’re thinking these thoughts and feeling those feelings, you wont’ see clearly. Your reality begins with a thought, your self talk, etc. You are a result of your thinking.

Unfulfilled expectations always end in a negative emotion. Let go of the expecting, and the negative emotions will be no more. You’re expecting her to act a certain way, she failed your expectation. If you go back to her, Wisdom tells you that she will fail your expectation again and you’ll be in the same boat. You have been tested in this same area 2 times now and both times, it turned out bad. Guess what, you have become a fortune teller of your own life. Go back to her and watch the same thing cycle through for a 3rd time. There is a high chnace of it happening again. How many times will it take before you make a better choice? 3 times, 4 times, 5 times? At what point do you break the cycle and use your wisdom..?

The ONLY way it will work with this woman is if you accept the fact that she will cheat on you again. (let go of expecting her to be a person that doesn’t cheat. Let go of that expectation, and you won’t feel bad any longer the next time she cheats on you). If you love her enough to ignore the fact that she will cheat on you, then you will be ok the next time it happens. But, how rational is that? Isn’t that irrational to think that? There’s no way I could do that and I’m sure you can’t either. So as you can see, you only have one choice here… let it go and stop thinking about it. As soon as your self talk kicks in and you notice the bad emotions starting, watch what happens to your thinking… watch it snowball. you can stop it immediately w/ a new thought or pushing that thought out. This is what I do – Imagine my mind as an etch-a-sketch. I’m drawing a picture in my mind. It’s humming along, then all of a sudden a bad picture starts getting formed w/ my self talk. I know I will feel bad if I keep thinking it. I then grab the etch-a-sketch and shake it. Clear the mind… start over. If the same thinking starts agian, I shake it again. I keep going until I don’t have those thoughts any longer. It takes pracctice brother…

Wisdom and Choice. They are the 2 most gracious gifts from God. It’s too bad we aren’t raised in society to know about them, to use them, etc. We have to teach ourselves. We are formed to believe that we must feel bad in situation. We are formed/molded to believe that this situation is bad and I must feel bad. Why not look at the glass 1/2 full? Maybe this is a learning situation for you or her? Maybe this one moment will help you 10yrs from now? Maybe it will help you pass along wisdom to a friend, to a future child? Maybe this one moment will help her in her life? By you separating yourself from her, she may see the light and become a better person in the future? She may find her salvation by you leaving her? When looking at it this way, is this situation so bad or is it a blessing? It’s like a story I heard, about a man on the corner smoking a crack pipe. We see him and we say that’s a bad thing. But, play the ‘what if’ scenarios. What if this man is thinking hard about his addiction and corrects it? What if he teaches other kids how to avoid such a situation? What if one of these kids grows up to write a book that helps thousands of people? What if…. what if this man on the corner smoking a crack pipe ends up affecting millions of people in a postive manner for generation after generation? Now, is this man on the corner smoking a crack pipe a bad thing or is it a blessing? Is your situation a bad thing or is it a blessing?

Boy, we’d all be pretty good humans if we learned these thigns from childhood. It’s quite sad that we have to learn these powerful and important items of life when we get older.

God bless you, God bless you brother. May God bless you with knowledge and wisdom. God grant S the serenity to accept the things he cannot change; courage to change the things he can; and wisdom to know the difference.
kat

heya eddie jsut reading through your site.
My boyfriend just broke up with me after nearly a year. I know it might not seem like a long time to you but he was my first major love and an escape from a terrible homelife which i now have to return to thanks to nit having him anymore. Thats kinda why i ee him as being the reason im happpy. Only im not anymore. He split up with me a few monhs ago and we get back together, but hes now said things didnt feel right. He made a long list of all these problems, and i was just sat there thiking if youd me about them at the time we coulve worked on them. I know i need to get over it and so on, but i feel ugly and unlovable. i have no transport to get anywhere, and he also wants to remain close friends. I know that that is not a good idea and i would find it hard to handle, but if we dont remain friends i have no escape from my homelife and i dont know what to do.
The reason we broke up in the first place was becasuse his cousin tried to kiss me, and my boyfriend didnt believe that i pushed him away. He brought it up again this time and i know that if he cant trust me hes no good for me, but i also jsut keep thinking what did i do wrong.
Im so confused
Star

Hi,
My bf dumped me for no apparent reason in may ….One month later he called sayin he was missin me and wanted to get back together….I told him i needed some time to be ok before i cud talk to him….Den wen i contacted him in August to meet and sort out our problems (He lives in another city btw)he simply refused saying evrything is over between us. So basically it was like gettin dumped all over again.
Now im really hurt and angry.
I dont know wat to do.

http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

@Star

Sorry to hear that, my heart goes out to you.

Simply move on, without judging the situation. Also work on your anger.

That’s why no contact is so important. You can concentrate on yourself and your healing and you don’t have to take BS from your Exes.

Anna

We broke up 5 months ago (with “more space” thing which was beginning of the end anyway), and finally 2 months ago, when my BF of 4.5 years said we can’t be together (too different). Deep in my heart, I still hope that we can be back together even though I’ve been through all those classic stages (shock, denial, anger, sadness) several times, like in a spiral. Each time I thought I’ve healed, but then it starts again and again… We are not in contact, but I question myself if it’s a good idea to send him greetings for his birthday. In a way, it’s a personal thing, and you don’t know what to write, and whether to sign “Love xx” etc. On the other hand, I still care so much for him, and ignoring his birthday would be like showing he is no one for me… Eddie, what do you think?

http://lovesagame.com Eddie Corbano

@Anna -

Don’t do it!

I know it’s tempting, but no contact means no contact. You gain nothing by sending him birthday greetings, but you can lose so much.

Stay strong!

jimmyjedi

Anna,

Don’t do it…it’ll wind up hurting you if he doesn’t reply or if he replies back with something spiteful or hurtfull.

People choose to not be with us for whatever their reasons, and if they wanted to be with us because they made a mistake they would make it known to us. Don’t chase a ghost that is your past, it’ll hurt too much.

JJ
Anna

@jimmyjedi

I think the main reason for me doubting about sending him birthday greetings is… the fact that MY birthday is soon after his… And I want to hear from him, and think that if I don’t send him anything, he won’t congratulate me either… I’m probably just hoping that he will change his mind as he says he still loves me (but chose to stop it because a long distance relationship is too hard to survive). And that me ignoring his birthday would be rude and will cut the last thread of hope. I’m probably just fooling myself then. First it will be birthday, then Christmas, then Easter, then something else. Endless chain of holidays to keep thinking about … and never get over it!
http://www.seriousthings.com Joseph

Originally Posted By Anna @jimmyjedi –
I think the main reason for me doubting about sending him birthday greetings is… the fact that MY birthday is soon after his… And I want to hear from him, and think that if I don’t send him anything, he won’t congratulate me either…

You’re basically manipulating the situation so that the ego can be fed.

Play out this scenario: you send him a card, he doesn’t send you one in return. How will you feel?

Don’t draw up ways to deal w/ the situation. Don’t drive yourself nuts by looking at all different kinds of “what if” scenarios. “If I act this way, he will do this..” <– That’s being manipulative/egocentric. Just be yourself. If you love the person, send him a card… but expect nothing in return. You send him a card because you are thinking of him… NOT becaues you want one in return. If you are sending him a card because you expect something in return, then you’re not being true, you’re being manipulative and egocentric…and sister, you will never be successful when fake actions are taken. Be real… if YOU are the type of person that is thoughtful and YOU are a kind person…and YOU want to send a card, then send it. Do NOT send a card based off of anything else. Do NOT expect anything in return or you will be let down.

Be Real….
Anna

@Joseph –
You are so right, and just to the point, Joseph. Thank you for what you wrote
http://www.seriousthings.com Joseph

Np.

Unfulfilled expectations always end in a negative emotion. Let go of the expecting and the negative emotions will be no more.
nikki

I need help please help me. me and my boyfriend have been dating for amost 3 years but it seems way longer then that. just a few days ago he broke up with me. it was te most hardest thing anyone could ever go trough. my heart is in puzzle pices. i feeel like im one person againt the world now. all ive ever wanted was to be with someone that not only loved me but someone that wanted to share there life with me. i vry myself to sleep every night. i dont know where to turn anymore. i need help. i think that one day he will come back for me. but i dont think ill ever have the heart to frgive him but i think that hes the one for me and i love him with everything i have. i gave up the world for him . i lost my family, friends mt job and my life because of him.
http://www.seriousthings.com Joseph

God bless you Nikki.

I went through the same thing, a 12yr relationship. I have nothing now, zilch. zero friends, zero family, nothing. She was my everything. Luckily I have God in my life. He picks me up. I know it’s only a matter of time before my life comes around.

Have patience…try to relax. Take some deep breaths. Read a book, pray, cook, clean, watch some comedy TV, go for a walk, ride a bike, go to Church, go shopping, jam some tunes, etc. Do what you have to do in order to get your mind off of it. Whatever you do, make sure the focus is to get your mind off of this topic. If the mind starts to think about it again, shove it out of your head and clear yourself of it. The mind is so focused on this situation that it will snowball constantly. If you’re thinking of it, you will feel bad…and if you keep thinking about it, you will feel worse… and if it keeps snowballing, the next thing you know, you’re sobbing so hard that you can’t take it… and you are crawled up in a ball. It’s a sad thing to go through.. I suggest the inner-dialog within your mind is concentrated on. Try your best to refocus your mind on healthy things… things that make you feel good. Try to be glorious w/ God. Don’t get sucked into this world. It won’t be too long before this situation is a distant memory… A bump in the road. but right now, it’s a crater and you can’t get out of it. You will get out of it… and that 20km wide crater you’re in right now will be a mere bump in the road of life within a matter of weeks… maybe a month or 2.

If you’re religious, I recommend you read Romans 6, 7 and 8. You’ll realize that your mind is on things that are of this world, which profits nothing.

Your next day or 2 can be hard, that’s why I recommend you get busy. Get off the computer, off the couch, out of bed…and do something. An idle mind is the devil’s playground.
V

NIKKI-

Why did you guys break up?

Right now you’re probably feeling so many different emotions…it’s still early in the break-up, so it could get easier, but most likely it will get worse.

Everything Eddie says on here is true. If you get back together, or even keep in contact with the person, you are going to end up getting hurt even more. I know this is true fromy my own personal experiences. The break-up obviously occured for some good reason, so if you get back together, you’ll just be fooling yourselves.

Try to keep your mind off of him. Don’t let your thoughts get the best of you wondering what he’s doing or who he’s with. Just don’t think about him right now.

Try to keep busy. You can write in a journal about how you’re feeling, you can work out, cook, watch a great film, shop, get a pedicure…whatever you can do to keep your mind off of him will help a lot. Just keep busy. The more you sit around contemplating, the worse it will be. PLEASE trust me. I was with someone for 4 years before my break-up, so I know where you’re coming from. I changed my life around for this person, too, but he left. But then I would ask myself…why do I want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me??? Who can’t commit??? Who is selfish??? If he fits this description you’re better off without him.

There is no greater feeling than working through this, learning from your mistakes, and coming out a better person.

Good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anna

Hi All,
Remember I asked for your opinion about sending or not sending birthday greetings to my ex? Well, I did, and I honestly meant this as a one-way “present”, not expecting anything back. He wrote back a warm lovely letter, thanking me for the mail, thanking me for the happiness and the memories, saying he still misses me and loves me and always will… but clearly showed that the “door is closed”, that we have separate lives and should keep having them separate, that this decision has been taken…
I didn’t expect such a “deep” mail back, it did make me feel so so sad, again. I question myself if I did the right thing writing him. I don’t know what’s worse – knowing the person you love no longer loves you, or that he still loves you but doesn’t want to be with you…never.
And I think that yes – I expressed to him all the best wishes and the love I had for him (thinking this was probably my last mail to him), and got the reply that filled me with love and warmth – but cut all my illusions away. This is tough, but was probably worth it – for me to finally move on, after several months after our breakup.

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