The Secret How To Get Over A Break Up

by Eddie Corbano

1,398

i hate my ex girlfriend Healing a broken heart from a lost love seems to be the most challenging venture one could imagine. A break up usually starts with a phase of paralyzing shock then turns into helplessness and deep grief. It appears impossible to ever be happy again. Wouldn’t it be good if there was a secret how to get over a break up?

What if I told you that a break up or divorce is also a very good chance? Your opportunity? Look into the abyss and see who you really are! Do you believe in this?

Well, I for one, I believe. Because it happened to me and I experienced it myself.

“You don’t know what love is
Until you’ve learned the meaning of the blues
Until you’ve loved a love you’ve had to lose
You don’t know what love is”

–Chet Baker

My own break up in 1998 was on the one hand the most terrible and painful incident that ever happened to me, again on the other hand, the very best that happened to me. Sounds pretty paradoxical, huh?

For now, I would like to ask you just to take my word for it and read on, you will understand.

The secret how to heal a broken heart didn’t come to me just like that, nor have I read about it in a book or the like. As I have written on my about-me-page, I’ve had a break up coach. Not a professional one. It was a very distant relative, who apparently called me out of the blue (today I know that it was no coincident at all). He then introduced me to the two main concepts on how to heal a broken heart.

He by himself has had a terrible divorce before and some other terrible things additionally. The measures he took, the thinking he developed literally saved his life.

Isn’t it strange that each and everyone of us has had or will have a certain point in his life where he finds himself standing at a crossroad? Ok, maybe not that strange, that’s how life works. Interesting though is why some take the way to the right and some to the left. Some recover very quickly from their break up or divorce and have grown with that experience, others take many many years to recover and after that they are not the person they used to be (in a negative way).

At the time when I met him, I have had six terrible months behind me, full of self pity, tortuous pain, loneliness and infinite grief. I was past the first painful phases of a break up, but yet not ready to move on, to make the vital step towards healing.

At first I didn’t want to meet him, I didn’t want to meet anybody. But he insisted. This was my chance.

We’ve met in a coffeehouse. I’ll never forget that. He had heard what happened to me from other people and after some chitchat the first question he asked me literally blew me away.

He asked me: “Why do you think that SHE is responsible for your happiness?”

And this was it. So simple.

Healing A Broken Heart In my eyes it was her I needed so badly in my life to be happy, to feel valuable. I held on to her to have a purpose, a meaning. I wasn’t happy on my own. It was she who made me going on, enduring myself. I absolutely didn’t love myself.

Of course I couldn’t think rationally at that time. But it was him who did the thinking for me.

He then explained his concept on how to get over a break up, how to lead a happy and fulfilling life and how to develop a stable personality. Healing a broken heart was just a side effect of his concept.

Extreme suffering during a break up is always a sign that your mindset towards life and your own person is not correct.

The main two pillars of a stable personality and therefore the main premises for a happy life, so he told me, are:

1. Complete and unconditionally self-love

2. The very personal purpose in life

Wow, that made an impression on me.

Does this make sense to you? It took me some time to get it.

Only if you love yourself completely and unconditionally, and this means to accept the way you are, your weaknesses and strengths, you can also love others. If not, everything you do is looking for approval in others. You will be looking for their light, instead of using yours.

There are quite a few methods to work on self love. Some have been discussed here and some will be discussed in future articles. They all have in common that you must take a closer look into yourself and accept what you see. Finding your inner child and affirmations are very good ways to increase your self love.

The second very important secret is to find your purpose in life and pursue it with all your heart.

What’s your purpose in life? Well, that’s the tricky part. I can’t help you much with that, that is something you have to figure out by yourself. I can only give you some tips on how to find it. There are some good books on that matter.

Deepak Chopra wrote in his book The Seven Spiritual Laws Of Success that your very purpose in life is your unique and very special talent. We have taken manifestation in physical form to fulfill this purpose. He calls it “Dharma”. Something, when you picture yourself doing it, your heart lightens up and you feel a warm feeling of happiness.

When you combine your life purpose with service to humanity, then you make full use of the Law of Dharma.

I second that.

Find something you love and are passionate about, try to help other people with your talent and then simply be the best in it! There is no greater fulfillment than finding your life purpose and serving others.

Then you will not only have your blueprint for a happy life, you will eventually notice that you have gotten over your break up or divorce on the way:

How To Get Over A Break Up

If you are suffering from a break up or divorce right now, I sincerely wish you that you will find your path and come to a higher understanding of your true Self. Only then you will be ready to find the partner you deserve.

This is a small but vital fraction of the healing process. There are more things to consider especially in the first phases directly after a break up or divorce. Watch out for further articles on how to get over a break up on this site.

Your friend,

Eddie Corbano

Photograph is a courtesy of Jennifer Krug

My Recommendation For Further Reading:

10 Secrets About Men - Very Recommendable Inside-Tips from Christian Carter
Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends - THE Classic Book About Breakup Recovery
For Men: Getting Your Groove Back After A Breakup - Approaching Women and Getting Physical

5 Must-See Related Posts:

About The Author:

Eddie Corbano is a breakup-coach, relationship-advisor and founder of LovesAGame. He suffered from a devastating break up in 1998. Since then, he dedicated his life to helping others getting the best of this existential experience. The overcoming of a break up is an important step to autonomy and independency. Eddie Corbano developed some new coaching programs, which focus on evolving inner strength and the power to set and reach any personal goal. (Article written on July 31st, 2007)
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newmommy050909

girl, I would leave his ass so quick it would make his head spin. I can understand and feel where you are coming from though, because my ex which is also my baby’s father cheated on me, but it was with one of my good friends and he said he only did it to get back at me from something that happened earlier in our relationship. So I know how you feel and It hurt me SO MUCH to find that out after all we’ve been through and now that we have a baby together, but if he ever promised me he would NEVER cheat on me again, I would NOT EVER go back to him because he has to learn his lesson and if I were to go or If you go back to him then all it would let him know is that he can do whatever he wants and you’ll always forgive him and PLEASE don’t give him that kind of power. Just leave his ass and find someone who really will love you for you and at least enough to NOT EVER cheat on you. LEAVE HIS ASS GIRL AND GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE YOU’LL BE A BIGGER PERSON FOR IT AND YOU’LL ALSO FEEL BETTER ABOUT IT IN THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hope this helps!!!!
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Priscilla

My Darling Joe,

When you began this relationship she was a mother and an educator of young people, therefore she of all people should have known that you are a package deal. If she did not recognize that or respect that or be willing to be a part of the package then you don’t want her in your child’s life.

You are not a stalker, you are heartbroken and before you resent your child for ending this relationship, SNAP OUT OF IT!!!!!!!!! She doesn’t deserve to be a part of yours or your child’s life. She knew what she was getting into and anyone who has been a good mother would respect your devotion to your child and even consider it a breath of fresh air. Makes you wonder what kind of mother she was, doesn’t it? If she did not want to participate in the raising of a young child she should have headed for the hills at the onset. Your pain is real but so is your life including your child. Be glad, if you can, that she is not going to impose her toxcicity on your precious child.

So wipe your tears, feel sad for HER loss and rock on. There are plenty of women who would love you and your child and the two of you deserve no less. When you begin to feel that it is her loss and not yours you can feel true compassion and no regret.

Let’s face it, breaking up is hard to do. Things become familiar and comfortable and who wants to go through that dating thing, starting over again. It takes a great deal of energy and courage but in the end you end up with a worthy partner for you and your child. God speed for you and all of us.
Joe

@Priscilla –
Dear Priscilla,

Thank you for your kind words. I read your post about your experience and we have a lot in common. I too miss the intimacy, companionship, comfort and routine. We traveled to Aruba and Italy together and they were wonderful. I also looked toward a future life because we had a lot in common from a lifestyle perspective… but that’s probably where it ended.

I’m seeing a therapist now because I am still greiving the loss and need someone to help sort out answers that I will never truly get from my ex. The therapist has diagnosed my ex as a self-centered person with low self-esteem who’s cup is half empty. She looks for a man to fill her cup and when he no longer is fulfilling this need, she moves on to the next. She also said that she can love someone but does not have the “capacity” for love.

She has been the first person I have let into my heart since my divorce and I gave it 110%. I treated her like a princess and forgave her for her past as well as some of the mean things she said to me. I’ve never broken up with someone I was still in love with, but I had no choice. I’m beating myself up over how I ended being another victim of her shallowness. Despite her feelings about my son, she would have continued the charade and married me if I asked her. I know now that this is the right thing to do, but I’m still hurting.

I think the one thing that is bothering me the most is the thought of her in the arms of another man. It was a sunday night when I went to see her. It was around 9 pm and she was not home. I waited until 10:45 when she finally pulled into her garage. I approached in a kind manner and said I wanted to talk. I asked her where she was so late on a Sunday… she usually was ready for bed and preparing for the next day’s work. She told me she met her girlfriend out for a drink… I knew she was lying because she usually looked perfect, her lipstick always refreshed and her hair perfect as well. When I saw her, she was glassy-eyed, her lipstick was off and her hair messed. I was totally mortified, how could someone who 4 weeks earlier was asking you for an engagement ring, telling you that she could never love anyone else and would be devastated if it ended, be in the arms of someone else so soon?

I replay that picture over and over again in my mind and it makes me sad and sick to my stomach.

I’m trying to replace the positive memories with the bad ones as you suggested but it’s hard. I know it is her loss but the fact that I’m still greiving and she’s not is a hard pill to swallow.

Thank you again for your support. Joe

Emma

Joe!

I know these were wrote a few mths ago but i hope your feeling better, ive just been through the same thing he moved on like i was nothing.

I know how much it hurts.

Keep faith and hope alive, chin up. You sound lovely.
Emma

keeron

@Victoria (V) –

i lost my battle heroin now grips me only spliffs am desperatly trying to stop but cant see a way out my ex has a new boyfriend and wont let me see my kids i have a new girlfriend that i have told about my issues and she is becoming worried about being with me i have reached the point of no return it’s all collapsed and so have i. drugs alcohol will not help even though at the time it knocked me to sleep now on sure fire path to hell ce la vie thanks for the advideabout therapy but i’ve decided to let it slide everything my whole life can just slide i’m sick of fighting just to eat a meal totally alone now even though i got a new gf for how long i dont know

Kris

maybe go to a good church and tell them what’s going on, go to church that has a really strong program for people struggling with drugs.

Priscilla

Joe,

I am relieved to know that you are seing a therapist. You are so right that we had common experiences. My therapist diagnosed my ex as a Classic Narcisis. His capacity to truly love in the unconditional and commitment sense extended only to himself. He, therefore was very self centered and self absorbed. I made the very common mistake of believing that if I showed him an expression of true love and devotion that he would “get it”. That is a very nice way of saying I thought that I could change him. I see that only now. I was raised to never go into a relationship expecting to change my partner, so I rearranged the labels and convinced myself that wasnot what I was trying to do. I truly loved him and really thought someone had broken him and that he could mend (translation: be fixed).

Never say never, but I sincerely hope I never attempt that again. Why I didn;t recognize this at the time remains a mystery of the heart. I suppose love sometimes robs you of all rationale:).

My therapist was a wonderful godsend. I hope that yours will be too. But know this, you didn’t fall into love with her overnight and you won’t fall out of love overnight. The “snap out of it” comment was ment to say to you to get started in the recovery process, not a crass, emasculating command. You seem to have taken the first step. First steps, not unlike baby steps are good.

Know this, when you complete this particular journey you will be even more ready and suitable for the next. The best of luck to you in this most despairaging process. My wish for you is that one day, sooner,r ather than later it will be you in the arms of another; a better, more authentic, self confident you. She is out there and she will adore you and the life you can share.
http://www.Genker.com Cat

I agree on the importance of UNCONDITIONAL self-love (no, not masturbation. I mean a high regard for one’s self). Great article!
Joe

@Cat – I’m trying to get to unconditional self-love. After you’ve been beaten down by someone who “loved you” with many conditions, it’s very difficult. I’m still very sad all of the time even though I know that I made the right decision by removing her from my life. I’ve never had to break up with someone that I was in love with, so I feel miserable.

I’ve always been self-confident… I am attractive, look much younger than my age, am very successful yet I feel like a fool. While I continue to mourn the death of the relationship, she moves forward as if it never existed. I’m so hurt.

Ken

Hey Joe,..
I know it’s been awhile for you but oddly enough the exact same thing happened to me about the same time. I was with her for 3 years and actually engaged twice to her but she seems like the same type of woman you had. I did break it off, she tried to get me back with me for about 2 weeks though and I was stupid enough to try to go back because of the pain. Well a lot of emails, texts and 2 months later it is over for good and she is with someone now. I’m just wondering how you are now? and also wondering how long it took to get better. Your story is so similar, I was married for 8 years and have a daughter and that went horribly wrong, she was the first one that I really thought was going to work out with and I never broke up with anyone I was in love either. Let me know how you are doing if you would.

Thanks
Ken

Kelly

@Kelly –
Well, I took him back about a month after my post and he just recently let me down again. He began using drugs again and this time he stole from me and put our family in harms way. I had no choice but to walk away again. This will be the last time. I was giving in to the idea of him being sick and having an addiction problem I was forgiving of that since it is an illness. However he began creating situations that were not healthy for any of us. So here I am back a square one morning the loss of a great man (when he wanted to be) and questioning my every decision. Trying to stay happy and positive but crying all the time. I picture him sitting at his father’s house being miserable and sick and wishing I could just tell him to come home. I just want to put my arms around him and make it all better for us both. Ugh! I hurt!
Kdude

Everyone,

My GF and first everything broke up with me 3 days ago. We had been doing a long distance relationship for 8 months, came back from school this summer and left. We live 4 hours from each other. Her friends are very promiscuous and i always felt nervous about the fact that she would go drink with them and not talk to me. She came down and to break up with me but says she wants to be friends and i still am her best friend. She told me that she is breaking up with me for another guy and i cant get over the fact that she wants to be with another guy but she is the only girl that i have ever. She insists on being friends. She texts me litterally every 15 minutes and i text her back rarely. I know i cant get closure if we still talk but i do it anyways because i have relied on her in that way for 2 years. We still have plans in the future but i know that i should not do that. My friends say that i should just move on and be happy by myself but everytime i try that all i can think about her being happy with that other guy. In the past month, she has done horrible things to me. (skinny dipping with that guy and her friends and sleeping with him) I know this should push me away but it just hurts me that she would do this. I would love to hear from you Eddie but ANY ADVICE ON THIS WILL BE GREATLY APPRECIATED.
keeron

things are looking better know i managed to stop using with some help from friends i decided to open up nd ask for help due to fact i wasnt using it very long i managed to pull my self back with some support i’m now back on track and for all you folks i have to reccomend a tune by eddie kendricks can be found on most popular video site called best of strangers nice tune and definetly fitting to how we all feeling and victoria thank you for your advise
Atoosa

Dear Eddie,

This is a cry from a hopeless girl who´s been standing too long on the edge of the abyss.
I came across your website 10 months ago – at the time when my mysery started. I´ve read all the articles and advise and I have to say that at that time it helped me tremendously.

My EX broke up with me unofficially 10 months ago but officially it was maybe 8 or 7 months ago. Apparenty my ex wasn´t happy with the relationship. I know that every break-up is hard but this was even harder because he was seeing another woman at the time when we were still together. Our relationship lasted for 5 years and there were some ups and downs (as in every relationship) but I believed that this is the person I´m gonna spend my life with. He said that he would never leave me nor cheat on me. Well, both things happened. I´m blaming myself because I should have cared more, treated him better and other things. At least this is what he says – put all the blame on me (and I accepted it). Now he says he´s got someone who´s perfect (not like me). I had a very hard time living because he would play this on and off game for a few months – when I was starting to recover a bit he would come to me and said that he loves me and realised that he made a mistake and if I can forgive him. And I did I always did. The next day or just a few hours later he´d come and say that he´s sorry but that he can´t be with me because he wants to be with that other women. This went on for a few months and I was getting deeper and deeper, started smoking, lost so much weight that I looked like ill – I was having constant nervous breakdowns.
I read your advise about no contact rule but I couldn´t keep it because we work in the same organisation and study at the same university. First I thought that I can somehow manage that I´ll try to be in touch with him at work as less as possible, but it is impossible since we have our offices next to each other, we see each other at lunch and have to cooperate on some work things together. So you can imagine how tough it is. I thought I´m strong and can put up with it but I can´t. Eventhough I try not to be around him I can hear his laughter and hear when he´s talking with our colleagues about the holiday he went to or things he did during the weekend (with his new girlfriend). This is as if someone was twisting the knife in my open wound, when I hear this I have to go to my office and I can´t fight the tears. Not to mention that my work effectivity has dropped nearly to the point zero. I used to love my work, I get on very well with my colleagues but I´m no good employee anymore. So when I came home from work I cry and cry not being able to concentrate on anything just trying to pull myself together. Memories are haunting me and I can´t sleep. And then again I come to work (see him) and all that little strength is gone. I got myself into the point when I don´t want to die but I don´t want to live either. God I´m still madly in love with him.
My friend who knows about my struggles told me that I should leave this work (no matter how I love it) otherwise I´ll never heal and I might damage my health and even the worst could come to the worst.
And I´m scared that my leaving is gonna be just running away from the problem not trying to face it and fight it and that I could be even in the worse position if I didn´t have a work.
I don´t know what to do, I´m lost and tired, I´m destroying myself. I know that every time I see him my heart bleeds and I can´t cope. Well than again, even if I leave this work there is still the university that we attend together (it´s only once a month). I lost all the hope that my life is gonna get better, that I´ll be happy again. It´s gonna be a year since he´s been going out with his new girlfriend and it seems to me that Í´m still at the same position (not moving forward).
Please help me.
Ang

@Atoosa –

I’m going to start by saying this…you are BETTER than he is, BETTER than she is, and don’t let him make you feel any other way. I too was in a similar situation. With my ex for 10 years (14-24), moved away from my family because his job relocated him, got engaged, bought a house(2007), sounds great right? NOPE! In January of this year (two days after my b-day) he told me he wasn’t happy, that because I don’t trust him, and always ask where he is and who hes with, that he doesn’t love me anymore. I HAD A FEELING THAT HE WAS SLEEPING WITH THE WHORE OF A NEIGHBOUR, BUT HE PROMISED HE WASNT, THAT I WAS CRAZY. So we put the house for sale. Sold it three weeks later. With a move out date of April 1/09, I still had to live with him for 6 weeks. A week into it he started to say that he missed me, loved me, and that we should try and live seperate and see how things go. So I fell for it. We did EVERYTHING engaged people do. Once we moved out of the house we saw less and less of eachother. It hurt like hell when he told me that he liked being on his own. Promised that there was no one else. I tried to move on. I was sick, like you. Once he saw I started to be strong and move on he played his game again. In June he asked me out on a “date.” Like an IDIOT I said YES! We has a romatic date, got caught up, and so it began again. He said he wanted me to trust him. That we should take things slow and rebuild what we had. That he missed me. The whole works. So we did. We were acting like we were engaged again, doing EVERYTHING engaged people do. Just 4 weeks ago he tells me AGAIN that he wants to be alone, to figure out what he wants form his life. 1 week later I find out that he was sleeping and dating our old neighbour (who is 36 with a 20,19, and 15 year old kids, oh and a 1yr old grandchild)…he’s 24, he had being speeling with her for the whole time…she is the reason we split up. He left me for her! It was happening in my own home. Of course when I confronted him he denied it. Said he was dating a 21 year old that he met at a bar..LIES!!! Please please please, don’t look back. You are better off without him. He will keep doing it over and over again for your whole life. You deserve better. I believed it was my fault too, until 4 weeks ago. It is NOT YOUR FAULT!!! He is a complete PRICK!!! You can do so much beter. And as for his and his new toy, they won’t last!!! Trust me. If he did it to you he will do it to her…give it time. Karma is a bitch. He will get what he deserves, and you will get someone soooo much better! Don’t make the mistakes that I made. Dont give him anymore chances. CUT HIM OFF!!! Find a new job. It is the only way to move on. I cut off my ex 4 weeks ago, and I feel great now. Yes I still think about the last 10years, all the memories. Leave it in the past. You will find that you are way happier, no stress, and thats when you will realize how much of a fucking asshole he is. Please cut himm off, find a new job, and you WILL feel better. I have been there. Too many times. Don’t forget… KARMA IS A BITCH. He will get what he deserves. You dont really love him, you cant after all he has done to you. You just dont see it yet. But you will. Good luck, stay strong, good things come to those who wait. He will suffer, its just a matter of time:)

Ang

Atoosa

Thank you for sharing your story with me. I´m really at the end of my strenght. I made a decision that I´m gonna leave my work. Well, to tell the truth it wasn´t an easy decision because I really love my work and I have wonderful colleagues aswell. I´ve been working here for 3 and half years. It will be really tough to find a job like this. Well, some things just happen at the time we least need them. As if this thing with work wasn´t enough, this is also my final year at the university and I guess you can imagine how it is going with my studying. There´re days when I feel better but when I see him or just hear his laughter it brings me back to my misery. I just don´t know how to cope. I´m also considering visiting a psychologist or councelor. But I don´t want to end up on antidepressants, that´s what I know for sure. I´ve never considered myself as a suicidal or depressive person but I can really feel that if I carry on in this kind of “living” I´m not gonna be far from that. Sometimes I have to laugh at myself because I used to be such a strong person and now all that left from me now is just a wreck.

anonymous

@Atoosa -

Atoosa,
I read your letter and I would advise that you leave. Healing wont start until you do. It is possible to start your career in another location preferrable another city or state. My ex cheated on me 5 months before we got married (after 10 yrs together), and I found out I was pregnant. He moved in the “married girl” that he cheated on me with the day after I moved out, she finally got pregnant 2 and a half months after me, and married 7 days before my son was born. We lived in a small town, and it was extremely hard to watch them live the live we were supposed to live. I went to court and fought for my right to leave the state and when my son was 2 and a half I finally left. As I was driving away I had the feeling of such relief, although the hurt was still there. It has been 14 years since then and I am doing great, I rarely think about him. The road to recovery was hard but the limited contact was what I needed. I then went to no contact, and had to go through my parents for visitation. Now I havent seen nor spoke to him in several years, I usually text his wife if we need to communicate. I know it hurts soo much right now and that you must feel that the pain will never end. Once you leave and put closure on this relationship you will start to heal. You owe yourself the chance to live your life.
lilies

I ended my 3 years relationship with a guy recently. I was in the dark most of the time and was even lied to. The day I found out he has been going out with someone I used to know shattered the amount of trust I had for him. You see this person I used to know decided to end the friendship and a week later, we broke up. This was the same person who had been there with me through everything and at the end of everything i found out that they were all lies and perhaps had certain motives. It does allowed me to think of thousand possible reasons why this happened. What angered me the most was him not being able to let me know that he was going out with her, casually or not. He too wasnt able to let me know of his diminishing feelings for me and instead held on to me/the relationship for another 2 months before I ended it. Now, it seems pretty clear how the both of them have been much closer than ever and sometimes i try not to think so much of it but i cant help it if you know what i mean.

I left because i figured i couldnt continue staying in the relationship and be lied to and kept in the dark. Now, it does gives me the unsettling feeling every now and then. I question myself if i made the right choice but i’m convinced that i did. The break up gave me a clearer picture of how things was like and what kind of a person those people were to me. I guess i learnt a lot from it though you might say it was hard for me to accept reality for a moment. Now that i’ve read this site, i find it enlightening and insightful. Does help a lot and if anyone out there has any opinion etc, i’d love to hear too. Thanks!
Emily

Wow… I can’t believe it’s finally over, I mean we’ve been on and off for a while but I didn’t know it’d end like this. At first it was just a silly little relationship, but then I think I actually fell in love with you. I guess you’re not the type to love the girl you’re with. After I take him back each time I thought it’d be alright and we’d stay together forever. But I was so hopelessly wrong. You said you loved me countless times, and I started to believe you. Turns out I was a tool, you were using me, I fell into your trap yet again. You’ve always lied to me, but I was too much of a fool to see it. It’s almost impossible to stay away from you, everywhere I turn I see little pieces of you, all our interests, all our feelings. I always knew he wasn’t perfect, and I always knew we wouldn’t last, but I liked my little dream world where everything was perfect. In no time you were over me, I liked to believe you would fall back in “love” with me and everything would be perfect again. I was his “friend” and I gave him advice. Because he liked my friend. This girl was definitely his type. She was popular and all the boys liked her. She had them all wrapped around her finger. She had a boyfriend, and some more boys chasing after her, and now mine was too. I couldn’t believe it. I was so angry I could break the wall or tear out all my hair. I wanted us to be back together so badly, I wished I was the girl I was when I was fooled and unaware of all the evil stuff going on. I actually think I loved him right before it was over. Everytime he asks me out again I want to just jump into his arms and tell him I love him, but I know it’ll be over again…
Anonymous gal

Hi everyone there, read your comments….and came to know there are many people around with a broken heart…..but it really hurts a lot, when you love someone more than yourself and you lost that person……in my case it was my fault (i would rather agree that i let him go), he was my first love (and i guess last too),at that time i took lightly and when he left me…..the whole world seem to be changed….every little thing which used to make me laugh….now turned into a disaster….i used to remember him…n almost always used to burst into tears, i tried not to cry or to think of him but that wasnt working…And moreover i started living alone…not wanting to be with friends or anyone…
Now he has moved on, got engagged and i’m still there…i really tried hard to forget him and its been now 4 years….but i’m helpless….many guys came, showed interests, but am acting like i have locked myself into a cage…or a dark closed place where no one could reach me…being very rood to them…anoyed of myself…..many a times i felt like there is no point in living…but cant find a reason to die to…and now just tired of doing anything in life, tired of myself….dont think i’ll again love someone like that…!
i also shared this with my best friend, but after that we end up fighting bcoz she used to tease me in front of everybody…and more i used to miss him…and it was decided that we would not talk on this topic again… but i guess then she realised and after about 2 months she wanted to have a talk…but as i said earlier i locked myself,i did not share anything….and now am feeling very lonely.
I really loved him a lot and now badly miss him whatever i do, be with frieds, watching a movie or even exams….even after so many years!!!….I cant concentrate on my studies….now have understood the importance of friends to be happy in life…but they are also far…
And now when i look back,i think have ruined my life with my own hands…coz everything was so perfect…and thats what make me feel like no living anymore…but am healing up now…..your posts helped out, but it is not enough…help me.

Chief

Hey! anonymous girl, you need to stop. you have given him way to much time 4 years girl is way to much. You are denying yourself the pleasures that come with clarity, that come with new beginnings. You shall not be a matyr for your relationship. Afterall, if he would never take notice of you suffering up there on your cross Then what good is it to do! you’ve spent much to long. Find a really good friend, talk to your mom or dad open up! i would go to the grave yard and talk with my gramps all the time, morbib but effective. It may help to picture all your ancestors looking down on you, the ones who loved you dearly, how would they react to your inability to just let go? they want the best for you, and will show you if you just give a little effort. You dont need to be religious to pray, you just need to have some spirituality. You must let go. You have to let go. You dont ever want to be with someone who just doesnt feel the same as you. You have to read this website every day and try your damn hardest to apply even one principle. You must willingly overpower your urge to suffer and wallow and face the sun. You will love again, you will be stronger for it. You will be happy, i promise. take the necessary steps-push yourself…no more self-pity. FORGE A NEW BEING! you have to it. you no longer have a choice. do it!

Lana

You have no idea how much your kind words helped me. Thank you so much. Thank you. You have inspired hope in me again, and brought tears to my eyes. Thank you.
Anonymous gal

Hey chief,
thats really nice of you…n true…!!! I’ll really try for what you have suggested…!! I know its not gonna be easy for me…to let go off things..but i have to…!n true that he doesn’t even have any idea what m suffering…i think I’ve suffered a lot…n not anymore now…thanks 4 making me realize that……!!
No one ever explained this thing 2 me like what you have done….
thank you so much..!!!
colni lyth

hi all,

I have used this site for the last 11 weeks scince me and my ex broke up and ive appreciated all the support an help i have got from everyone.

Ive realised now that me and me “ex” will never be back together and although ive gone trough hell and nearly taken my own life over her, i feel now its time to heal and move on, even though im crying inside.

The point is never ever and i mean this let it on to the ex that its bothering you cause thats what they want and they will use this for their own sick games and i know this only too well to my cost.
Smile at them if they pass you (ive no choice as she lives across the road from me)….Give a whistle and a hum love yasself look after yaself, the importance of self love is priority here!!!!

I know what everyone is going through on this site and my thoughts and prayers are with you always….if it wasnt for this site i think id be dead so buck up move on and belive me there are plenty more fish belive me on that!!!!!!!!!!!!!

col xx
tg

hello my bf broke up with me a few days ago. I begged him to give it another try but he says we can only work it out while we are separate i am so miserable. i feel so helpless. I feel so alone. I moved to the same city as him to go to school. we had dated for around 5 years. we had plans to marry after I finished grad school. he was my first bf. i can’t sleep or eat or study. my life is just terrible. I never thought I was so needy or pathetic until now when I am all alone. we were so close to each other. I am trying to follow the advice about not talking to him but i didn’t realize how much I relied on him. he was my very best friend. I never people get that close to me. how am i supposed to get through this? I have things that need to get done but every time I just burst into tears!
Jenni

My boyfriend of one and a half years broke up with me a week ago. He seems fine, we broke up over jelousy issues. I cant stop talking to him I cant bare the fact that its over. He was my first everything , and i was his. we had so many great times, laughs, inside jokes, everything reminds me of him. Hes basically blocking me away from his life and i can’t control it. When we talk i get upset and say things i don’t mean. Its my first heart break and it hurts like hell i cant control it , my whole world revolved around him , he was my everything
gk

my boyfriend of 3 yrs and i just recently broke up too, and i totally feel ya.. EVERYTHING reminds me of him…. every part of my body, just my self, every song i listen to, food i eat, places i go to, clothes i wear, people i talk to, words i speak, the scent of my shampoo, just every little and big thing. things i never even thought of, our memories from years ago just out of nowhere, pops into my head and my insides just twist and turn, and it’s just killing me… i don’t know who i am without him, i dunno what life is without him.. but i already feel like i can do this, i can get over it, to become a better and stronger person..i mean.. you spent years of life with one person, it’s NORMAL! i tell you one thing, whatever you do or don’t do, it will take time to heal. you know tg, even if you go out with friends, talk to family or whatever, you will ALWAYS just be thinkin about him and distracted, wonder what he’s doing and if he’s thinkin about you at all, wanna cry, just don’t feel like doing anything, BUT STILL go out with your friends, cry in the middle of eating lunch with them if you have to but force yourself not to by yourself(make sure it’s a very supportive friend.. a sister if you have one). it’s tough thinkin MAYBE you will get back together, buT get rid of EVERYTHING that reminds you of him, pictures, gifts, just change yourself so those things don’t remind you of him. now, at night, it will be even harder but i sometimes listen to sad songs, cry my eyeballs out, and read others’ stories.. i know it may seem selfish but think of all the worse cases and you’re not the only one going through this. try doing crazy things like go kart racing, go to shooting range, etc. you know what i noticed helps A LOT??? LOTS AND LOTS OF ICE CREAM(man, sugar helps) AND WORK OUT!!!! work out like a maniac. cry all you want. get yourself out there. try to get new hobbies like knitting… DO nOT! DO NOT contact him.
Airfairy

Joe..

I’m exactly in your shoes.. My boyfriend who called me the perfect one for himself, one day out of the blue started to act weired and after a while I come to know he was seeing the HR of my company( yes he was my colleague too). We both were together always and he wanted me to join that work place so that we both would be together. But he ended up with that woman. She on the other hand was someone I was approaching to solve my issues with my guy coz I knew he was being good frds with her(apparently) and I didn’t even know that it was the same person my guy was fooling around with! I am so humiliated and feel like crap between those two, now that I came to know what exactly was happening.
I don’t even know how to get outta this coz that guy broke up with me putting all the blame on me for a few things said and done to hop outta his guilt feeling I believe.. And still claimed he loves me and that no one can take my place!! whats that supposed to mean?! If you love why would you leave.. But whatever it is.. I’ve never suffered so much in my entire life and still going through it and the thought that they both are all together and happy, laughing behind my back is a master killer.. I suddenly wake up from sleep almost everyday with such kinda thoughts still haunting me, even in my sleep.. Only God(if He exists) and I know what I’m going through. God forbid this happening to any sensitive people out there.

I don’t know how to get outta this thing. I’ve tried to quit the job but my boss only allowed me to take a break and come back in a month or two. By that time I dunno what is gonna happen or how I might become.. The thought of getting back to work itself is scary..
Coz I’m just stagnant and unable to move on from him yet..

How can people be so rude, mean, emotionless and value less… Most importantly how can they forget “love” and “Promises made”
Me

I broke up from my bf 3 days ago, after 4 months of absolute torture.
I must admit I loved him, so bad. In summer, after almost 2 years of living together, he cheated on me abroad. Of course he got cute Chlamydia, otherwise he probably never had told me. He said he loved me, and proposed soon after. I accepted, I still don`t know why.
And here I am,crying my heart out, in pain and agony, I have never felt before. I guess he was the love of my life, but things could not simply go on the way they used to.
Will I ever get over him, I don`t know. I turn 24 in spring, and I have wasted almost 3 years on him. And I can not move out until end of november, and he is sleeping in the other room, and I, in bed, where we once were so close.
Taylor

My boyfriend of five months broke up with me 2 weeks today. We started fighting the week before we broke up and I noticed he was acting really weird. Instead of being nice and caring like he had always been he started acting like a jerk and getting mad alot. One day we decided to talk at lunch at school. He said he wanted to be with me but he also didnt. He wanted to because he stil had feelings for me, but he didn’t because he was starting to loose them and there is other people out there. I said that I felt the same. We decided we were going to hang out on the weekend and see how it went, then the belll rang. I said that if he was intrested in anybody else then we could just be friends but if not then we could try to get back to normal. He replied with “Sorry were just going to have to be friends” I couldnt believe it, i wasnt sure if he was being serious or not but I went to class. After the next two classes I seen him outside of the school in the front. I walked up to him and asked him who he was intrested in, he said nobody but somebody liked him. Someone he had been hanging out with because she is like a ‘sister’ to him. I said I thought you loved me? He said I do and I said so whats this? he said i dont know. Its not fair that i’ve been around this hole time then I just get dumped for another girl. I asked him if he wanted to hang out on the weekend and he said he thinks we should just move on. I was absolutely crushed. The next week at school he carried on like nothing was wrong, while I cried every night… This following weekend he texted me telling me he was upset because he loved me and its so hard to let go. This really confused me cause I thought he didnt want to be with me anymore? I’ve had my hopes up that we are going to get back together because that is what I want wether I deny it or not.. Now he said he is good and feels better, but i’m not I hate the change. Were friends and we talk often and it hurts alot. I know that I will get over him but I don’t know how long its going to take.
GIRLS view…

Wow, this sounds like exactly what happened between me and my boyfriend. I hate to admit it to you, but hes falling for this other girl and he is way too scared to tell you. The fact that he mentioned one specific girl indicates that hes not concerned with going out and meeting ” other people” hes actually into this ONE person and knows he cant pursue them because of you. I know because I’m going through the same thing right now with my boyfriend. I thought I was in LOVE with him, and then I met someone who I just clicked with. I wasn’t looking, I wasn’t putting myself out there, but something in this persons eyes made me more interested. So interested that I started losing focus with my boyfriend and started to have actually feelings for this new guy. I was scared of losing my boyfriend so I never told him about the other guy. I hate to say it but its to protect him, I am a terrible person and should just tell him about the other guy, but I’m too selfish, because as messed up as this sounds, I would want my ex boyfriend to still be around if things didn’t work out between me and the new guy. So basically he’s stringing you along. I think anyone can agree, its not your fault and you should just be the one to move on. Closure is so hard, but when you find someone better than him you will have no problem moving on. Until then, cry, get mad, get angry, and then go out and meet new people, life will ALWAYS go on!
stronger ;)

@Taylor –

Taylor,

You can’t have feelings for the person and hang out/be friends pretending that there is nothing there. It would just hurt too much and you’ll never stop hoping while you are around them, that something will change at some point (and by change i mean getting back together with him). This is a torture, and it will not allow you to move on. You need to decide for yourself whether you would still want to give that person a second chance after the talk you had and the developments that followed. But once you have decided, consider the relationship a closed chapter, that is, don’t look back and just walk on to your new life. I know it sounds easier said than done, and disbelief is the first thing that strikes you when someone you have been so close with says ‘it’s over’, but you have to live your life for yourself – can you really switch every two weeks that he changes his mind? It would emotionally exhaust you, trust me. I’ve been on the other side and theirs isn’t too easy either – probably the person still has some feelings for you and probably feels very guilty for breaking up, but once the shadow of the doubt is there, it really isn’t the same, unless you have been together for a really long time and you are both willing and able to work it out. Really, things rarely change beyond this point…You can end up getting back together and breaking up again, and I’ve done that, and trust me, it is much more painful than taking the decision once and sticking to it. And, really, if you have some feelings for the person, do not stay with them just as a back-up option – it may seem more secure to you now, but it is really a great waste of time for both of you, it is emotionally confusing, and it doesn’t show the proper respect for the person you are with. I’ve been there and I know how you feel but getting used to insecurity is a very important part of life, and it gives you an opportunity to really grow as a person through the experience. Don’t deny yourself that chance,
lia

hey everyone…..i just wanted some advice…maybe someone can help. well….me and my boyfriend of 4 years broke up about 3 months ago. we have a 3 year old daughter together. but he decided that he just wanted a year to himself then we would see where we are at with everything. but all of a sudden like 3 or 4 days ago he started to act a little rude to me but i just ignored it so all of a sudden yesterday he said he didnt want to be with me. so i cried my eyes out and i said all the things that i was holding in all this time. he was just full of lies and mood swings. im just so confused and i dont know what to do anymore cuz i gotta deal with him for the rest of my life bcuz i have a little girl with him and he will continue to be in her life…he tells me that its my fault bcuz i dont trust him (obviously u cant trust someone who lies 24/7) and that he just doesnt love me anymore and that he cares about me but not in that way. its just so amazing to me that he can just walk away from this relationship after we have been through EVERYTHING with each other. i was always there for him and always thought for him for everything and i think that was the reason why this didnt work…bcuz he felt like he had me wrapped around his finger so it made him feel good and he always said”u will never leave me”… it drives me crazy and i just dont know what to do bcuz i know that i need to think about my daughter and about getting my life in order but its so hard when i see him so often and my daughter talks about him and asks why we arent living with him and i dont even know what to say. im just afraid that she is gonna grow up and feel bad. if he has another family and other kids, i dont want her to think that she wasnt good enough so he went and had other kids…its hurts me so much bcuz he is being so selish and thinking of noone but himself. he doesnt even think about our daughters feelings. im also afraid of having to split custody of my daughter if it ever comes to court bcuz i dont want to have to throw my daughter from one household to the next. his friends and family are not a great help either….they always brainwash him. thx for reading = ) if anyone has any advice please dont hesitate to help ….thx
ashley

@GIRLS view… – im going through something like this with my ex. we were both each others first true love & we lost our virginity’s to each other & everything. but he broke my heart for ANOTHER GIRL!! who happens to be my ex best friend, who stopped being friends with me because i was always with him & never had time for her anymore. but he chose her over me & he treats her sooo much better & he looks happy. but i began to move on & the very first day me & the new guy started dating…he texted me a long text asking to be friends!! why now?! i don’t understand him! like he texts me for the dumbest reasons & he always stares at me or tries to do things to get my attention. in high school, there isn’t much you can do to avoid the guy you were in love with & another girl. i walk different ways as him & i don’t look at him or pay him any attention anymore. his best friends tell me that he was crazy about me & always talked about me…but he doesn’t do that with her! like they all tell me that he will come back & he will realize that im the better one for him…but i don’t see that happening! i just don’t know what to do anymore. i honestly don’t think he is over me & i think he is starting to have some regret for dumping me for her. she isn’t anything like me & she is just….not him. like me & him had a lot in common & they just seem like two totally different people. they don’t even look cute together. & we looked way more happier together & you could tell we were in love. i just don’t understand. he has been dating her for almost 2 months now & im not as sad anymore. im just confused at why he picked her! but i know life goes on. i just hope one day he regrets it & misses me. did you ever regret it?
joseph

Wow. I’m very intrigued by this blog. Some stories I can relate with and others I can’t My situation is a little different because I live in the Florida Keys, on a small island, in a very small town (it gets better). I’m now 32 years old and have been in florida for 4 years. When I first met the love of my life, I had seen her in High School and thought she was the most beautiful creature that had ever walked this planet. After college, I had started hanging out with her a little and we became involved. We started our relationship in Ohio for four years and it was a little rocky at first but then panned out. I moved to florida for a 6 month internship and eventually landed a job. She followed shortly thereafter. She is a banker and a good one and finding a job was very easy for her. I lost that job in upper florida and moved to the keys. Of course being the best person on the planet, she moved with me. She stuck out it out with me and cared for me so much and I felt blessed. However, once we moved to the keys, I kind of got itchy feet and an old coworker started calling me and telling me how much she liked me. Well, we spent about two or three weeks emailing each other and saying things we shouldn’t have. I broke the email affair off because I knew that I loved my girlfriend so much and was just confused. My parents were on the verge of divorce and my mother thought she was in love with someone else after 30 yrs of marriage. That really screwed me up for a minute. So that was my big mistake. 1 month ago my love said she wanted to move out because we would appreciate each other more and that she wanted to see where we were going because she was 31 and wanted marriage. Granted marriage scared the living hell out of me but I knew that I could never marry anyone else but her. We drove each other crazy, fought hard and loved harder. I started turning over a new leaf and began having so much respect for her. So, she came home one day with a signed lease in her hand and we both cried. I was so upset and didn’t want to see her place. Well, it was only three streets down! So i stayed there with her the first week and then she went to Ohio for a trip to see her family. When she came back we talked for a day and then she said she didn’t want to talk anymore. Two days later she said she wasn’t in love with me anymore. I was devastated. I proposed marriage, therapy, church, whatever i could do to get her back into my arms. The answer was no. So i would get angry, try to be strong. didnt work. Next day i was apologizing and asking to talk or have dinner so we could talk. I’m very passionate about her and have been pretty controlling in the past when she has tried to leave (holding her arms and not letting her leave until she talked to me). I know it’s really weird to hear me say this. So we had made plans to hang out at our old place and so she could see her cat that i had kept for her because she couldn’t keep it. Well, she blew me off and i got curious so i stopped by her place. No answer but her car was there. So i went back to my place. I then poured a glass of wine and walked down there and was praying for god to give me some type of closure, explanation, etc… There was a white ford truck in her driveway. My heart sank. I walked up to the door, peaked in the window and saw her on top of someone kissing in a dimlit family room. I knocked on the door and walked in. When confronting them and screaming, she had a smirk on her face the whole time. Actually, made fun of my hat in front of this other man. He was my height, dark hair, brown eyes, clean cut, very handsome. So I apologized to him, shook his hand and walked out. I was so fucking devastated. My world caught fire and I was ready for death. I no longer feared it. Next day she called (after staying at his house because she was scared of me) and i went over to talk. I cried, no bawled the whole time. She seemed sympathetic at first and then began saying she couldn’t talk to me anymore and asked me to leave. I begged her for answers and got none. Just that it was their second date, they had known each other for two years and that he felt sorry for me (that makes me feel just great). So i sent her a dozen roses, apologizing and saying i won’t come around bugging her anymore. I am at a loss for words about how horrible I feel inside. I don’t know if i can live like this much longer and 8 years is such a long time invested in someone. She followed me down here so I could work on my career and now all of that is in jeopardy. I don’t have anyone to speak with down here about it as there are not many people my age. I’m horrified as to what is going to happen and I’m so scared. All i can think about is how that guys lips were supposed to be mine, and they were supposed to be mine forever. I don’t understand how someone can love you so deeply and then lie to you and date quickly thereafter. This is very painful and I can only pray that I’ll make it through it. She was always so kind and I never expected this ever. Please help.

Joe
Alf

Hi all, there’s some great stories up here, some good some bad, I thought I should add mine.

My ex ended things about 3 months ago after what was about a 3 and a half year relationship. We had magical chemistry and mind blowing sex and really were best friends along the way. However, we were both in our mid 20s when we found out she was pregnant and I decided I was way too young to have the child. She didnt want to lose the baby so she decided to keep it. We broke up partially for about 3 months but I decided if she was going to have the baby, then I was going to be there for her and the child.

We had the baby, moved in together and had been living with our bub for about 18 months when she decided she wanted to end things. To be fair, it wasn’t completely from left field. We had grown apart to a degree, wanted to do different things (she wanted to move to the country, I wanted us to move to another country). I also felt she didnt really trust me as much as she used to after the initial baby bust up, and this was quite frustrating. She seemed to trust her parents more than me and just lost that twinkle in her eye for me.

She ended it and I was devastated. I’ve probably made every mistake I can possible make since: begging, crying, stalking, rebounds.. I’ve tried to go no contact but in order to maintain contact with my son it’s just so hard not to. I miss him as much as I miss my ex and I need to call a lot to keep in touch with him. Usually I can go a few days no contact, and it feels great, but as soon as swapping the baby around, I have to see her and it kills me. She seems to be having such a great time at the moment and has been seemingly getting a lot of attention from the guys.

On top of all this, she wants to remain “best friends” for the sake of our boy. This is too hard. Any advice from those with kids?
Heert broken

I am going through a tough situation too… I was with my boyfriend for 2 and ahlf years, we lived in together… I thought I was going to marry him…I did something real foolish and stupid… I was leading a another guy on… he would ask me out, (in text messaging) and I would go along with it…but deep down inside I knew nothing was going to come out of it… I knew I was not going to go on a date with him but yet I still text him back….

My boyfirend saw these text and broke up with me and although I did not do anything he still does not want to ” be with someone life me.” he thinks I am a cheater but I am not…. I hurt so bad and all I want is to still be couple but he refuses to talk to me. He is moving out in a month and does not look or talk to me…. I know I did this but I can’t beleive this is happening ….
Gary Nunez

All i can say is do it for the kid. If you keep seeing her then it will hurt you everytime. Know that she has some other guys that will completely keep her busy and she will not think of you at the time sad but true. I have ended my relationship after 4 years and now it hurts me to talk to her and even see her. She had a rebound and it was her ex. Any advice?
stronger ;)

@Alf –

This can be a little tricky situation. My feeling about is that, if you want to keep your connection to your son, you should make the effort and go through some of that initial pain. You need to be honest with yourself that it is over between you and your ex. Minimize contact with her – while the child is still so young, it would be easier. By the time he grows up enough to ask you all those questions, both of you will likely be far beyond it and it will be easier to communicate without all this hurt. And, no, I don’t think you could honestly be “best friends”, but it might just be me being very skeptical about promises like that – usually, each one of the parties involved has its own vision of what that “friendship” is like, and this can be very frustrating. I’d rather say, treat it as business relations, focus on your relationship with your kid and your own personal growth, and consider it over with with your ex.
Good luck
Gary Nunez

Hi my name is Gary and my girlfriend just broke up with me after 4 years. I tried and tried to move on to find happiness with someone else. It has been 2 months since we have been broken up and we don’t talk to this day. She left me for her ex and i felt very hurt. Last time we talked she tells me she wants me back and so forth. It brings me happiness to here that but i know that i can’t hope anymore. I don’t know what to do….i need some really good advice here just cause i am not trying to let my heart die. Please help anyone.
G

When I first found this site I was in the midst of a terrible heartbreak.What I did to relieve the pain was to get involved with someone else.That was perhaps the greatest mistake I could have made.A year went by and the feelings for the other woman diminished and I began to fall in love with the girl I was seeing. 2 weeks ago she left me.I think about how many times I thought she couldn’t compare with the one before her and how I took her for granted because of this! WOW im in absolute shock right now.This one hurts just as much as the previous one.I’m back to ground zero again. The feeling is one of agony and absolute regret!
kevin

this is one of the best things ive read in a really long time an has helped alot !
kathleen

Hi everyone, my story is like everyone else.. I really wanted to believe in someone.. and of all persons someone from my distant past..
The last time I was involved with this person was 27 years ago.. He contact me out of the blue… He was my first boyfriend..when I was 16.. I start very slow, since I was just coming out of a broken engagement… and it was nice to hear from someone from the past…I guess like THERE IS NO FOOL LIKE AND OLD FOOL… I wanted this.. and of course he said all the right things.. I have been in contact with him for the last 4-5 months on the phone and internet.. I went to Miami to see him and it was nice.. Now he just dump me like a piece of #@@#@… and I am hurt.. I just want to die…Why??? Well I guess it is just another experience I have to go through… My best regards to everyone..Kate
joseph

Ok, so my girl of eight years moved out and a week later was dating another guy. She led me to believe that she was moving out so we’d have a better appreciation of each other and then I found her kissing some guy on her couch a week later. Totally took me by surprise because she was so kind and was not one to do something like this. So i spent thanksgiving with her all day long, riding bikes etc.. and we’ve been going out to eat a lot and talking a little bit. I offered to cook her dinner last night and she said her friends were coming back and she couldn’t maybe tomorrow. So, i find out that he was over her house again last night and she wasn’t feeling well to come over today. What in the hell do i do? I’m so devastated and i can’t even function to go to work. I started my career here and now i have to drive by her house and see his car there. Why would someone be so thoughtless and careless after eight long years? I’m crushed and could really use some advice.
kathleen

@joseph – Hi Joseph , i feel for you.. I guess now is the time to get your life back either with her or without her??? talk to her see where she is at… You seem like a nice guy, but the bottom line is that you want to know the truth GOOD or BAD…
You are not a puppet.. you are a human being with emotions and such.. You need to know now no matter how much it will hurt.. but at least you will know where you stand.. and from there you can make a decision…. I hope this somewhat helps.. God Bless Kathleen
Ashley

So, I am Ashley and my bf and I have been together for 4 1/2yrs. I broke up with him last night and I have been crying allllllll day and night. I broke up because I wasn’t happy anymore. We got together when I was 18 and since then have grown apart. I love him sooooo much but he brings out the worst in me. I wish I could change him but I cant. So, since I am not in the business of changing ppl, I jus let him go. I am in no way qualified to evr attempt to change someone God created so perfectly. I feel like my life is over. What if I nvr find someone who will love me jus as he did? What if I nvr find someone who can make me happy? What should I do? I am sooooo lost ppl!! This is the most complicated part here….I gave him Herpes 4yrs ago and we agreed to stay together. We promised we would nvr leave one another, but as time went on and we grew up and matured, we turned out to be 2 diff ppl who met up at one point of our lives and woke up 4yrs later only to find out that this person isn’t who you thought they would be. I feel soooooo guilty cuz I ruined his life, then had the nerve to leave him after he loved me regaurdless of the “gift” I gave him. What kind of monster am I?? I must be a cold hearted “blank”!! Since I kno that isn’t tru, I start to think about the fact that I have nvr been faithful to any bf I have evr had. (Not unfaithfulness in a sexual way but jus having friends on the side.) I wasn’t faithful in the beginning cuz I didn’t know if it was real or jus fun for him. Once I realized it was real, I stopped all contact with my male friends. We moved in together and he lost his job and didnt work almost the entire time we lived together. That is when our problems started. After a year and a half of struggling and crying as I am checking the mail, begging him to get up and look for a job, we moved out. He nvr did things to show me I was special and make me feel special. He leaves without saying bye or any kind of acknowledgement. He isnt affectionate as I am which in turn has made me less affectionate. I knew that if I sat on his lap and hugged him and kissed him to tell him how much I love and adore him, he would probably tell me to get up and maybe be a little annoyed with me. He nvr takes me out. He doesn’t like doing new things. I like laughter and romance and he prefers relaxing and recooperating. I don’t mind relaxing but we should have some fun cuz we r still young. I am 22 and he is 23 with no kids. We have 2 diff personalities and neither one of us should change who we r to fit eachother. He hardly liked talkin to me or listening to me (at least that’s how he made me feel). I would tell him my concern and he would jus ignore it or not take it serously at all. The bottom line is that I dont feel special nor do I feel appreciated. I have done alot and sacrificed alot and he nvr recognizes it. He blames everything on me and doesnt see his portion of the problem. Ugh! I am still oh so sad and I am doing my best to stick to this. I love him so much that I am evn considering staying with him eventho he doesnt compliment my personality. Eventho we have grown up to be diff ppl. Eventho I can be happier and enjoy life more without him. I love him that much. But with saying that….how much do I love myself?? What am I willing to do for myself? Am I willing to endure a little bit of hurt for a lifetime of happiness? Absolutlely I am!!
Kevin

Hey Jospeh, that’s pretty damn harsh of her. I’ve never experienced anything quite THAT brutal but I have had my fair share of painful breakups and have helped many people overcome the pain of their break up and get over their ex.
joseph

update
Thank you Kathleen and Kevin for your kind comments. They really do seem to help. So, minutes after my last post I decided to stop by her place with a dozen roses to leave on her porch, hoping it would make her feel better. Well, surprise again….there is the “white truck” that I loathe seeing in her driveway. So i placed the flowers on the window of her car and walked up to the door and knocked. So the other guy says through the door ” this shit is getting old. She doesn’t want you here”. So of course i asked him to step outside, but politely. Finally, i just said screw it and left without any further drama. Ten minutes later the police show up at my place and start hammering me about trespassing and all sorts of stuff. I just spent all day Thankgiving in Key West with this girl, riding bikes, buying her jewelry and paying for our meals. She even came over my place to hang out afterwards. I’ve been with her for 8 years. I’m just at a loss for words at this point. I haven’t contacted her since nor do I want to. It hurts so bad to drive by her place and see the white truck in her driveway. And i have to pass by there everyday. So I’m trying to get into see a therapist/psychologist and hopefully it will help a little. Then on the other hand, I go and by this stupid book on how to win your ex back. I think i just wasted some money. Completely hopeless at this point and want to quit my job and move back up North just to get away.
Lauren

Hey Everyone,

I am currently struggling with breaking up from my first love. Our “official” relationship only last about one month, but we continued on a little after that. Overall I’d say we were together for two months. I understand that a lot of people will say that’s too short of a time to fall in love, but I disagree. We spent every moment together. The second we met, there was an instant connection. That was something he and I both agreed on.

I admit that we rushed into a relationship very quickly. About a week and a half after meeting, we became a couple. It was wonderful! The euphoria I would feel around him was like nothing I had ever experienced. There was something about that boy that always got to me, and still does.

Roughly two weeks into the relationship, he admitted that things didn’t quite feel the same as they did right away. The day he told me this, I cried non-stop thinking that he was going to break up with me. The next day when we hung out, he apologized and said “I don’t know what I was thinking.” Everything went back to normal, but I was constantly feeling paranoid about it. Always wondering if he was going to change his mind again. I used to get so upset when he didn’t call or we couldn’t see each other, although he never knew that. During this entire time though, he used to talk about how much he loved me and missed me when we weren’t together. He used to say that we’d be together forever and make references to me as his wife in the future, and even mention our potential children. In my head, I knew that it was way too soon to think about these things and it was ridiculous to believe him. But in my heart, I did believe him. I melted when he talked to me so sweetly.

It was short-lived, however. About another two weeks later, he officially broke up with me. It was the day after one of the best nights together we had. I was at his house, and he acted very distant. There was just silence, and I couldn’t get him to talk about what was bothering him. He just kept saying, “I’m fine, I’ve just had a lot on my mind all day.” My panic set in again. I said if he had changed his mind again, and he said no. But something still didn’t seem right. So we went for a walk (one of our favorite activities together…) And he finally admitted that he didn’t feel the same anymore. He thought we rushed into things, and he thought we were better off as good friends because we had so many laughs and a lot of fun together.

Needless to say, I went home and cried. The next day I didn’t go to school. I was in a constant state of pain.

The next few weeks passed, and we were still really close like best friends. Almost everyday we would hang out, but on the inside I was dying. He was still kind of flirty and that made things so much worse because I would try and read into it. I wanted to be back in his arms in the worst way.

The bad part was that almost every few days, we would get into big fights. Usually it was because I would question him about why he didn’t want me back. It would typically end with one of us saying that we were done for good and never talking (This extremely because we promised to be there for each other forever, no matter what.) The next day, we’d always apologize and say that we didn’t mean it.

As the weeks went on, things got more intense. His actions began to really make me feel like he wanted me back, and he even admitted to missing our memories. One night, he left a belonging at my house. When he came back to get it, I teasingly said I would only let him have it in exchange for a kiss. He agreed, and we made out a little bit. Later that night he admitted that he enjoyed it and felt something. He ended up with flu and almost cut his finger off at the electrical shop, so we couldn’t see each other all week. When we finally hung out, it was very intimate. We took a walk and then when he had to mow the lawn, he asked me to stay. So basically I stood next to him with the mower and helped. The whole time we were flirting and goofing off, just being best friends. He brought up a lot of old memories, like when we rolled around making out in his backyard. At one point, I had to help him rewrap the bandage on his finger when I accidently made it going flying off his finger when we were in a tickle fight. (If you recall, I said that he accidentally got a huge gash in it) and he asked me to kiss it make it better, so I did. Then he was teasing me about flinging the bandage off on purpose, and we got really close. He put his arms around my waste and I put mine around his neck. We kissed and started to make out. Then his brother walked outside so we stopped, but he kept his arm around me and it was just like we were a couple again. The rest of the night that happened a few times, and when I had to go home he kept reminding me to text him. Like he was eager to hear from me.

The next day was Halloween and were going to hang out, but his dog has a seizure and they had to go put him down. It was a very sad and emotional day for the family because the dog was very important to them, so we didn’t get to hang out.

He (very nicely) said that we would talk about what happened between us the next day, but when I asked him about the situation, he got mad at me for questioning where we stood and said that we were done as a couple for good and it would always be that way. As you’ve probably noticed, this was a very up and down roller coaster kind of relationship. I was either at rock bottom always crying about our fights, or at the top and happy with him.

Once again, he apologized to me the next day. The worst part is, he grabbed my face and brought me really close while he looked me in the eye and said, “I’m really sorry for fighting.” I thought we were going to kiss again, but I stopped myself. That was the last time I ever saw him.

Two days later, I found that he and his ex girlfriend were going out again. I was livid! It hadn’t even been a week since our intimate afternoon together, and he was dating her. He hadn’t even told me, I had to find out online. The worst part is, this is the ex girlfriend he used to say was “a crazy bitch” and that he didn’t even talk to anymore. I was very surprised to find out they were dating, especially because he never even bothered to tell me that they were ever becoming friends again.

This girl really is a crazy bitch. While he and I were dating, she used to IM me and try to talk. She claimed to be over him and seeing someone else. Turns out, she dumped the new boy pretty damn quick when she had the opportunity to get back with Sean (the boy I love). And I also know she had quite a slutty reputation. When I found out they were together, I made my Facebook status very sad. She commented saying, “Whats wrong?” And I shot back, “Like you don’t know.” And she said, “No I don’t. Oh wait…the me and Sean thing? Hahahaha you will live. Get over it.” SHE RUBBED IT IN MY FACE! I told him, and he apologized but I was upset that he’d even want to be with a girl like that. (Side note: We both hate soccer, and ironically that’s alllll she plays. HA)

For the week following their reconnecting, he and I remained friends. But it was a lot of fighting because he would always he talking to her on the phone. I tried to make him jealous by hanging out a lot with his best friend, but it didn’t seem to work. “I’ll never be jealous.” He said once. I even fabricated a story after we fought about having to move away just to get him to call me. I said, “I really need you as a friend right now. I really need you. Please call.” And he did, obviously thinking I needed him. Which in truth, I did! I needed his love. Anyways, I told him the bullshit story and he was very sad, talking about missing me and flying out to visit when he could.

A few days later, I got annoyed because he wouldn’t talk to me over his girlfriend. We got into a huge fight and I called him out for being a hypocrite because he was dating her again after all that shit he had said. He just said, “Yeah well whatever. I’m fucking done with this.” I told him that I’d believe it when he told me to my face, because we always fought over some sort of messagin system and never in person. I had used that method before, and it got him to apologize and stop fighting. But this time, he saidm “No! I never have to see your face again and I’m so fucking happy about that. GOODBYE.” Basically he said that we were done for good, no more friends. And that he meant it this time.

Turns out, he did. No longer will he respond to me and he seems perfectly fine. I was diagnosed with depression by the therapist I started to see, and I tried to tell him. He just blew it off with “k” in a text message after I poured my heat out to him. He didn’t want to talk to me or see me ever again.

Its been about three weeks, and I’m still in a zombie state. I can’t cry anymore. Everything is just….very numb. My parents are getting me depression medication and my friends are really worried. Nobody can help me it feels like. There’s no advice that had made me feel better. Everywhere I go, something reminds me of him. I mean he lives right next door! My parents said it was an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. They hate him for what he did to me and we don’t talk about him anymore. We’re not allowed to be in contact with him or his family because they’re all a little messed up. He’s been in almost all my dreams. Over Thanksgiving break my parents even sent me to stay in Arizona with my uncle just to get away, but I ended up getting really sick and didn’t enjoy it. Even being so far away, the pain followed me and I didn’t relax.

I don’t know what to do. I want him back….I want to have the love that we shared. We had a connection that the two of us agreed could never be severed. Why do I feel so much, and he feels nothing at all? Or at least, it seems like he feels nothing at all. He definitely seems like the kind of person that can’t step forward and admit he was wrong. He can’t initiate the apology. But I know the minute I see him, the roller coaster of emotions will start again. Looking back, I wonder if his new girlfriend / ex had anything to do with us breaking up. She was obsessed with him. He broke up with her originally for the same reason of “losing the feelings”. They didn’t see each other at all over the summer and we got together right at the beginning of the school year. Is it possible that being around her again so much brought back feelings? I’m not sure, because even a month or so into school he still would get annoyed she IMed me and called her a “crazy bitch”.

I’m lonely and sad.

Any advice? I’m desperate.
Lacey

Hey Lauren,

Went through the same thing this year. He never changed. And he’s still with her. I know you may not want to hear this..but cut your losses, keep you dignity intact and move on. Don’t be desperate this is why he keeps treating you this way. When you act like he’s all there is to life, they don’t appreciate it, they take advantage. Please don’t let him. Don’t beg him, don’t call, and don’t let him keep going back and forth to you and the other girl. If he loved you, like you love him, he wouldn’t be treating you like this. It’s always easy for us girls to make excuses for the guy, because we don’t want to let go..let go. It will hurt now, but no since in fighting for him, he’s not fighting for you.

I can relate and I know it sounds dismissive, but its the best thing for you for now..

Hugs!

Lacey
Lauren

Thank you, Lacey. I really do appreciate what you had to say. This guy and I haven’t had any contact in about 3 or 4 weeks, but I must say its been easier than I expected to leave him alone. Things seem so much calmer without his drama in my life.

Yes…I do love him, and its very difficult to see him with this other girl. However, I know that they will never have anything that can compare to what he and I had. He broke her heart a few times before, and he’ll end up doing it again.

I had long discussion with my mother about this the other night, actually. The way he has been raised contributes a lot to his dating methods. After his parents divorced, his mother moved in with every new boyfriend she got and brought her sons along. They never were in a stable household, which I feel badly about. They never learned what a constant, loving relationship is supposed to be like. My mother got to know him, and she says that she saw I brought out the best and at times the worst in him. We had something really great, but based on his past experiences he “knew” things would end just like in all his mother’s relationships. So subconsciously he pushed me away, making himself thing that we weren’t working out.

Its a really sad story, but it makes me feel better knowing how good I was for him. He will probably realize it down the road, years and years from now. It will most likely be too late by then, but he will finally know what I know now.

Thank you for the support. Its very comforting to know that other people are going through the same thing. I hope that things get b better for you too, Lacey. This is definitely not a fun experience to go through and I’m sorry you are suffering as well. We just have to keep our chins up, because the right guy is out there somewhere

Hugs back!

- Lauren
Eva

Hi everyone,

My fiance and I officially broke up in June. We moved in together after dating for a short amount time (less than 6 months) but had a great time living together. Unfortunately when problems started we acted very immaturely and I just started doubting everything – more like fear of whether I had chosen the right person. That fear got transferred to him after a while as well and we had an on and off relationship last year – in the midst of all our conflicts. I also had just started law school last year and had a very stressful lifestyle which left me no time to actually sit down and resolve our problems. His biggest problem was that he was passive and depended on me to take control. At first I was fine with this because I just felt like I had more experience with things and could take charge but after awhile his passiveness got to me and I started saying harsh things and acting out of anger and frustration. That scared him as he was naturally a very calm person. Anyways, long story short, we officially broke up in June after about 2 years of being together (about 9 months of it was on and off) – when we broke up we still had feelings for each other bc I could see the reluctance in him and even though I didn’t show any emotions, deep down I just wanted him to say the right things to win me over. However, he didn’t because he was waiting for a sign from me instead. I guess logically we both believed that ending the relationship would be best but emotionally we were in doubt. Once we did break up I felt like a heavy burden was taken off my shoulder because the relationship had so many problems. Having said this, even when we were having our problems, we really enjoyed our time together. It was just the thought of the past that I couldn’t let go of. He had hurt me once in the relationship (by lying to me about an important matter, which he later explained was his way of protecting me – the matter was not girl related though – it was family related). I just had lost trust but still loved him and wanted to build the trust – however, the past kept coming up. Also families had become involved as well and things had become much more complex. I had suggested us going to counseling for the longest time but he had said that he didn’t believe in the concept. Towards the end of the relationship, when he saw that our relationship was falling apart, he asked that we go to counseling. I refused because I was too hurt and angry at him for wanting to see the counselor only now that our relationship was falling apart.

Six months have passed – I was on anti-depressants for some portion of the summer. I have put them aside now but I still end up having extreme down moments. I often spend 2-3 hours just crying – I’m mostly angry about the past and end up blaming everyone including my ex for the pain. I also take responsibility for the break up but when I do, I start thinking about what if we had another chance to work at things…we were both each other’s first love.

After our break up, I got in touch with him in August through email just to clear the air and say a few things that were still bothering me and to get closure. He wrote back regretting his mistakes and the past and said that the real reason he let me go was because he saw that whatever he was doing wouldn’t meet my expectations and wouldn’t make me happy. That part was true – I have a type A personality and given that this was my first serious relationship, I took things really hard for both of us and had unrealistic expectations sometimes — I regret this now. We haven’t spoken to each other since the email.

My problem at this point is that I don’t know if the email did the job of giving me closure. I still have all his possessions – we never decided to meet to exchange things.

I really want to remain in touch with him – I know about the no contact rule but I miss him a lot and there is still a bit of doubt in me as to whether the relationship should have ended. If I should accept the break up decision – even if it was wrong – how do I convince myself to move on and not want to be friends with him?

I would appreciate any feedback/suggestions.

I am glad I ran into this website.

Best,
Eva
Jeff

@Eva – Hi Eva,
I had been with my ex for over two years, closer to three. She was my second love-completely unlike the first. Much more mature and manageable. i loved how i really could just be myself with her. We split this september. Ou relationship was difficult because we both loved each other-but we couldnt be certain that a lifetime commitment was possible. Also she was very religious-i am not. It definitely caused problems; we fought often towrds the end, not just about religion but i think she was beginning to pull away, thus i started to grasp more. It came to a climax when i suggested that i wanted a future with her, further then now, engagement; she cracked i saw all her anxieties about an uncertain future with me come out, no decision-she put me on hold and after a week i really just lost all confindence in the matter. In short, she said she wasnt confident in us and so we opted for the break up.
its going on three months, no contact. the hardest thing ever. What hurts the most is religion and petty life troubles aside, i had a real friend in her- a lover and companion and someone i confided in. today was hard because i get panic attacks thinking about her-one day she was there the next i wake up alone, everyday reminded that shes not there.
regardless if the breakup was right or wrong it happened. And contacting her would probably make my knees buckle, i dont think im strong enough to act appropriate. We both are proud people as well, funny thing pride.
Eva, if you broke up it means there was something wrong. I know it hurts, i sometimes am minding my own business and a memory rises like a bubble to the surface-my heart longs and hurts. Its your body taking its natural course in healing. Its still withdrawl sypmtoms. I hurt thinking i may never talk to the woman i just spent the past three years-it makes my heart ache, but the reality is that you have to let it go. It is not easy, letting go doesnt just happen.
In fact, the strangest thing happend to me, after this relationship ended i finally got over the one before my current ex. Let me clear that up, my first love broke my heart into pieces-i moved on but never really let go. After this last relationship, i somehow looked at myself differently and that first love seemed so wrong and silly for me to ever hang on to. true it took 4 yrs to get here but it happened.
The example just shows that we really dont know what is in store for us. By trying your damndest to move on you already are on the right path and correct one. You allow yourself the chance to someday find that right guy and that moment’s clarity that will have you look back and say “that was all worth it”. crazy thought now-but a very possible future-if you want it.
Im not sure i had advice for you darling, i think rather it is just nice to know others care, and it feels good to write. I know christmas is right around the corner, and i simultaneously dread and welcome it. holidays are hard, sometimes hard for everyone, i want to reach out and help just one person if i can.
Im still heartbroken, but im looking forward and trying my best. Somedays are better than others.
You will do what is right for you, and even if you try a little you’ll see positive signs following you-guiding your path.
with love and christmas cheer
-jeff
Anna

Dear All,
I think I first came to this forum 1.5 years ago, shortly after the breakup with my boyfriend. At the time, I remember reading Eddie’s advice with lots of scepticism and even resentment. I thought this was so cruel not to be in contact, not to send a card to your ex for his birthday, etc etc. After all this time, I can see that this was the right thing to do. Going through the breakup was so much longer and harder than I thought it would. But it would have been even longer and more painful, had I chosen to be in contact with him, even as friends. The whole excercise is to learn to live without him, and learn NOT to be his confidante, NOT to be his best friend, NOT to be his lover, even in fantasies. This is so bloody hard to do even when you have no contact, it actually took me more than a year to get over. But it would be so much harder if I were to talk to him. Because – you would try to sound easy and relaxed, and your heart would bleed in pain. You would joke, but your head would ache with desperation. Silence is so much better. And now, after all this time, I truly feel I do not NEED to be in contact with him.

By the way, I found the strength to ignore his birthday this year!))) And you know what? He sent me flowers for mine, saying he was thinking of me etc… It made me happy and sad, but again I was strong enough not to continue any communication with him.

Be strong. You will heal. You really will.

Anna
Darlene

@Lacey –
Great advice Lacey! Thanks for the reminder….I needed it!

D

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